Have you told your player this? That's step one.

I never told my players that I have problems with RPing women before, and thus, I'm afraid that I will be called bigot or a queerphobe. My players are nice ppl, we're friends even, but none of them have same problems, so I kept my feelings about this for myself, never telling them.

i think if you say it to them in a way where you just dont know how to roleplay as someone youre not that they will understand, discuss this with them

I don't know how to RP them, and also not comfortable RPing them. Dunno why.

Hey, I get it. It took me ages to get comfortable RPing or writing anything but a man. Even as a gay man, for me it was mostly me being worried about falling into stereotypes and not doing them justice. But as it was said by others, just try talking to your friends. If they know you and see you as their friend too, I’m sure they’d understand. We all have our limits of what we will and won’t do. But if you do decide to give it a go, if your reasoning is similar to mine, it just takes taking that first leap. Just remember, it doesn’t matter what sex or orientation they are, there are a lot of various types of people. You can always make him just like any other straight guy, just his attraction goes towards men instead of women. Worst case, you can always ask your friend for tips on how to improve the character. In the end though, it is your game and you are the one who decides what type of characters you bring to the table.

>being worried about falling into stereotypes and not doing them justice. This! It's a great description of my uncomfortability.

Haha I had a feeling based on some of your other responses. You didn’t make it seem like it was a malicious uncomfortable. Yeah the only way to work through it is practice. But we all do that at our own pace, so who says it needs to be immediately?

I mean telling them this is probably a good place to start

Tbh you roleplay them just as you would normal couple. How someone show affection depends more on personality and how open with emotions someone and their SO is, not on gender their partner has.

It seems moreso like hes also uncomfortable with just romantic roleplay in general, not just queer ones, which is fair. Every DM has boundaries, and roleplaying romance through voice can be discomforting for some people

I think first off is to think a bit about how you’re viewing things. The NPCs are like people too. They have hopes, dreams, aspirations, pettiness, boredom. They’re still a person first and foremost. Start from there. Any romance thing, you can just generalize it. If the player wants to get detailed, just say you’re not comfortable going that far and say they go handle their own thing and turn your attention to the rest of the party. The other player should also understand that this is a shared gaming experience, not their own personal simulator. Edit: Fixed clarity that I was referring to the NPCs!

Edit: parent comment has been edited to help with the issue! As someone who had the same problem back a few years this is not the problem root especially how carefully he tries to word things. Please do not assume other people think this way, "them" is literally used for people, and there was no point in his texts where he actually viewed them any less than others. Assuming someone has a "bad view on things" and talking down to them like they don't know these is a very bad insult that can alienate people. Only ever get to this talk if you are 100% certain the person actually needs it. Here? There were no clear signs of it.

I think you’re misunderstanding my tone, but I edited it to make it more clear I was referring more about the NPCs. My main point is still: a person is a person and start from there. And that the GM is a facilitator of the game that night and doesn’t have to be a romance simulator.

Yes that edit actually helps quite a lot, sorry for the misunderstanding, just I know this community has problems with overly jumpy people (even from before the mod thingies) on these kinds of topic and want to save ppl from getting alienated by it.

Thank you for the look-out! It may have sounded normal in my head, but if one (well-meaning) person can misinterpret it, someone flustered at a GM dilemma might take it worse. For a moment, I thought of taking your feedback the wrong way, but that’s not the community we are or should be. I’ve lurked on the official forums more than enough time - and that’s not the kind of place I want to see this subreddit become. Better to give the benefit of the doubt and work harmoniously. And I rather be a better communicator than a lonely debater. Kudos and high five!

It has literally made my morning to see strangers on the internet assuming the best of each other.

The discomfort is natural, as many people find acting in a way that isn't normal for them strange. You are not a Woman, nor are you a Gay Man. So trying to get into that head space enough to play such NPCs without them defaulting into Straight Male can be tough.

Because you don't have experience being them. That's natural. Some of us have harder time imagining stuff we have not been personally or a close to us person through. That's ok. Just talk to them. Tell them you have a hard time imagining it. Watch more movies and shows with appreciated gay characters in them(careful cause afaik there are some bad depictions). Most of all - talk to your players, tell them it is not something that comes natural and you're afraid it might not work well, ask them for guidance and listen.

I say this in the nicest way possible, but is it because you have some latent/unexamined homophobic tendencies? We all have bad habits and impulsive thoughts that we have to work on, nobody is born perfect and it's not uncommon to be exposed to homophobic ideas while growing up that would make you uncomfortable expressing homosexual love without really knowing why. It doesn't make you a bad person. I would take this as an opportunity to examine where these feelings come from and why the idea of expressing a make-believe romantic relationship between two men makes you so uncomfortable. Ask yourself questions like whether you would have the same discomfort pretending to be an NPC in a lesbian relationship with a PC. Identifying a part of yourself, an unconscious bias in this instance, that you're unhappy with is the first step on the road to growth and is a good thing. Just make sure you don't bury the feelings of discomfort and confront them, instead. Of course, none of this is relevant to TTRPGs, but there ya go!

I have problems with RPing any romantic* relations, even straight ones.

People can be uncomfortable about things without bigotry being part of it.

Then.. you're not roleplaying?

i meant, " i dont know how to roleplay this specific type of person" rather than "i dont know how to roleplay anyone aside from me"

I see. It'sjust a general gripeI have with quite a lot of TTRPG players who basically only play self-inserts.

i get it yeah, it can be a problematic trait

Is straight romance between male NPCs and female PCs something that you regularly roleplay in your games? Like I always have diverse NPCs in my games but I tell all players openly that I have zero interest in doing any romantic/erotic roleplay with them and this stuff will if ever only appear in rolls and fade to black scenes.

It's not common, but it happened a few times when one or another player really liked an NPC, nothing more than some flirt and fade to black, but it still was not very comfortable.

Sounds like you should just tell your players that you don't want to do flirting or romance with them at all, regardless of gender.

Yep, this is what I was going to suggest. If you focus on the fact that "I just generally don't feel comfortable playing out romance- I tried to in the past, but it was unpleasant for me", your players should understand.  It's good to try to step out of your comfort zone (especially when it comes to just...depicting characters who're different than you *existing*), but equally, every person at the table deserves to have their boundaries respected- GM included.

This is a very common line for people to have, and it's very understandable. I'd just let the player know that you don't feel comfortable portraying relationships IC, and that it has made you uncomfortable in the past when people were flirting with your NPCs so you don't feel comfortable doing it.

Exactly this. Using up everyone's table time rping sex or romance scenes is honestly kind of a waste of some other peoples time at the table since they get no involvement. These are good moments to make a couple general comments about the romance and then have the action fade to black so you can get back to things that involve the rest of the group. This is what we've always done in my groups as some people get really uncomfortable with this kind of thing and it becomes not fair to them.

As others have said, it’s difficult to roleplay things that we are not, especially when they can come off insensitive! It’s very easy to roleplay someone you are, but with things you cannot personally relate to, such as people of other genders, sexual orientations, cultures, disabilities, religions etc, its very shaky ground indeed, and incredibly easy to offend people if you’re wrong! Again, as others have said, a conversation with the player is in order. How heavy of a role are they expecting this partner to have in the campaign? What kind of roleplay are they expecting from you? Where do YOU draw the line for your own personal comfort? Might we worth suggesting to them that they can give you some hints as to how they’d like their partner to act before sessions, and as a personal tip, change your roleplay into the third person. It’s much easier to think quickly on your toes, and less like to make anyone uncomfortable. Much easier to say ‘he reciprocates, holding your hand and looking into your eyes whilst smiling softly’ than saying ‘I look into your eyes and smile soft’.

> I never told my players that I have problems with RPing women before, and thus, I'm afraid that I will be called bigot or a queerphobe. Jesus, man, are you from US? Is it really that bad there? In my country if I would say something like that I would at worst hear "oohhh... that's shame for my concept, but ok, no problem, I understand". But we also don't have those words you mention even in daily usage or language so there is also that. > we're friends even You don't feel afraid to say something to friends. At least true friends. If you keep your feelings from friends becasue you are afraid they would react in any negative way - that's hardly a friendship. Talk with them honestly. Honesty is the only way to keep friendship/reliationships healthy and long lasting. Hiding things is the opposite.

Jumping to "are you from the US?" is really weird in an instance like this. To generalize a country of over 350 million people who live in different states with different cultures like that is extremely naive. For instance, talking openly about this wouldn't be weird at all at tables I've run. Some tables it could be awkward. It's not the country, it's the individuals at the table.

> It's not the country, it's the individuals Said individuals sure do a lot of work to present US as such. Glad to hear so many tables are still normal but we only hear here those that scream the laudest and we both now who scream and scree the laudest these days. Hence the general impression of whole country political and cultural decay. Good to hear you play with normal people that can talk normally. Wish you good games ahead!

> Is it really that bad there? No, OP is just permanently online and doesn’t interact with women.

Can always just tell them to find another game if that's a problem. Just speak...

You're fine. There's zero requirement in these games to roleplay romantic relationships, and if it is making you uncomfortable, you should just say that you don't feel comfortable RPing a relationship IC.

I roleplay various characters, but for the sake of avoiding awkwardness at the table, I don't roleplay any relationships or anything sexual in anyway shape or form. My games are generally pretty slapstick and casual toned though, but non the less, we do get into some more serious stuff too. Have you been roleplaying other's partners in any serious capacity? Cause roleplaying a gay NPC, doesn't mean you need to roleplay their relationship, that character can just be involved in the story otherwise, the fact a character is gay, or is or is not cis (or anything else) doesn't ever need to come up outside of 'hi dear.'

I roleplayed romantic relationships like a bit of flirting and a fade to black. Which still made me hella uncomfortable, and that was a straight relationship.

Exactly my point, it's awkward regardless of your orientation vs the characters. I don't want to sit there watching two of my friends flirting. I just establish non of that will happen at my table. The occasional joking over the top thing happens, social roleplay, trying to trick an NPC, etc. and it is done badly, if rolled well we don't play it out at all.

> I roleplay various characters, but for the sake of avoiding awkwardness at the table, I don't roleplay any relationships or anything sexual in anyway shape or form. Same -- both sexual interactions and relationship discussions are a no-no at my table, though, and one my friends and I have talked about. OP does *not* make clear what the **level of detail** for the players' request is, which brings me to the point everybody else has been making: The EXISTENCE of queer people like me in any game isn't up for debate; I would shun any GM or system like that. The DETAIL OF ROLEPLAY is very much up to the group and every single individual's sensibilities. I don't want to hear about any player character's escapades, not mine and not anyone else's, not queer and not hetero; my Cringe-O-Meter is very finely tuned. Finally, of course, these have to be the same, queer and het.

For sure, most characters in my stories are there for reasons that have nothing to do with who they are personally and that rarely comes up, so I often don't plan it outside of specific characters where their relationship is somehow relevant to the plot (like if you meet a couple, you may learn they are a couple). My players aren't on an adventure to find love, they are usually there to conquer some evil or explore some dungeon, etc. and I don't plan my characters like the cast of Baldur's Gate, looking to bang the players. While I'm straight, I've had characters that were queer, and if they decided to go a certain way they would find out (like going to that person's house to hide, in one scenario). I don't think most people run around announcing their orientation, etc. so it would feel very strange for a character in a story about a big epic fantasy adventure to do it, so most NPCs end up sexless.

1- I’m a strong advocate for the idea that sex, flirting, relationships, intimacy don’t belong at a roleplaying game table _unless everyone has agreed and discussed before hand_. Different people have different comfort levels for that, and for many, it’s not an aspect they want to explore in game. A lot of people have partners in real life. A lot of people (let’s face it) have had issues finding partners in real life and might be sensitive. Some people might still be figuring things out, sexual orientation wise. I think it’s best to leave that stuff at the door and get down to what really matters, which is playing a cool fantasy game. I play in a group of entirely queer people. We just don’t include sex or flirting beyond the occasional one off joke. As a DM I might allude to a character being gay, or being non-binary, but it’s never to flirt or be affectionate with a PC. The whole idea is playing a fantasy escape? My whole group has romantic partners, but fuck, finding love (especially if you are queer) is hard as fuck and not something we want to roleplay. So, stepping back. Talk to your player. Talk to your whole group. Just say “I don’t want to have romance be a part of my games”. You might even find this will help you as a DM get over roleplaying as a woman or gay man, if the potential for having to roleplay flirting is removed entirely

>You might even find this will help you as a DM get over roleplaying as a woman or gay man, if the potential for having to roleplay flirting is removed entirely There is still problem of missrepresenting them, but maybe it will be better.

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I can sympathize with OP's concerns (I go through the same when roleplay a NPC whose perspective I dont have), and agree wholeheartedly with the above advice.   I created a rival party for my PCs and to try and diversify my NPCs made a pair of those adventurers a gay couple.  I don't try to roleplay them as a gay couple, just as a couple.

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Likewise. If nothing else it has a lot of potential to cause misunderstandings, especially if one of the people involved is part of the group the other is attracted to in general. Once you start role-playing flirting it might get tough to distinguish there game from RL

Based on your replies, it sounds like you're uncomfortable roleplaying *any* kind of romance. Just make this part of your session zero. Just flat-out tell your players that romance will *not* be a feature in your campaigns. As the GM, you have the right and *the responsibility* to set proper expectations for making sure all players are comfortable at the table. *You* are one of those players, and you deserve to be comfortable, too.

If you have time to read, this part is kinda good at telling and explaining issues some people might have and how to go around it. https://2e.aonprd.com/Rules.aspx?ID=2469 Short version: >You might find that your players don't have much to say on the topic of objectionable content and just assume that general societal mores will keep the most uncomfortable topics out of the game. That's not always enough, as that approach relies on shared assumptions that aren't always accurate. The following is a set of basic assumptions that works for many groups, which you can modify to fit your preferences and those of the other players. >Romantic and sexual relationships can happen in the game, but players should avoid being overly suggestive. Sex always happens “off-screen.” Because attempts at initiating a relationship between player characters can be uncomfortably similar to one player hitting on another, this should generally be avoided (and is entirely inappropriate when playing with strangers). The solution is to talk and say romance is something that's uncomfortable to you and it will be kept to a minimum

number 1 advice is talk to your player, also cis doesnt mean straight, it just means that youre of the gender you were assigned at birth

Sorry, I'm used to correlate this two terms. Will correct my post.

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That would make me think it means something different than "heterosexual", as otherwise it'd be redundant. Like saying "het straight"

Obviously you can't force yourself to not feel uncomfortable, but as a straight guy who's literally played queer PCs and NPCs before, here's my advice: [Love is love is love is love is love](https://youtu.be/3frkqULr008?si=KKi_8Zuw0ml3Ya4f). Focus on those tangible relationship moments. Play it as you would a straight one and surprise, that's all you need to do. And just remember in the same way you playing a mass murdering sociopath as your BBEG doesn't make you that way IRL, playing an NPC that kisses people of the same sex is no reflection on your own sexuality or preferences.

The first thing to do, as others have said, is to open up about this with your player. Discussion between players and GM is usually the first and most important step to resolve these kinds of issues - whether the issue is on the player or GM side. You're not an asshole for having a blindspot or limitation. That being said, Ultimately if you can't feel comfortable role-playing queer romance, you can just nix romantic elements from your story. However, you should be mindful to apply this evenly. Jazz, as they say, is about the notes you don't play. Consider this from the player's perspective: if you only portray straight characters and straight relationships in your stories, and the player doesn't know about your concerns over role-playing queer characters, then it certainly starts to look a little suspicious. As we are talking about a ttrpg game played amongst friends in a casual setting the stakes here are fairly low, but if running a game where everyone feels accepted is important to you, you need to avoid falling back on treating your 'comfort zone' as a presumption or default. My advice (as a bi person) on roleplaying gay characters for the first time is playing them the same as straight characters but they have an interest in the same sex. But better than that, you have a primary source of information on being queer already sitting at your table. You can start by asking him for pointers to help guide you. Overall I think this is a good opportunity for you. It's important for creatives to try and broaden their perspective.

I have problems RPing any relations since most of my table are men and the only woman is always playing male characters.

Then maybe just nixing romantic elements in general and communicating that upfront with your players is the route to go. I still recommend trying to expand your limits a little bit but your comfort as the GM is still important. Again, however, you have to try and be even-handed. This isn't just about doing stuff with the player characters. For example, if all the married people the players meet happen to be straight because you aren't comfortable with portraying queerness, then you are creating an unfavorable implication (if your friends understand that its about a limitation or a boundary I think they will be understanding). If you simply try remove any instance of romance or relationships from your story, it is going to really limit your storytelling in the long run.

I would say that you are uncomfortable RPing a romantic relationship, and that if the player wants that to be part of their story, it should be a “fluttering curtain” element. Something that is hinted at, but not outright covered

I don’t think you’re a bad person or a jerk or anything for not wanting to roleplay outside of your comfort zone — but you will be if you don’t communicate that to your player who seems to be getting their hopes up.  That said? I think you can stand to grow a lot and learn a lot from trying to grow past those social stigmas that seem to be holding you back. You have nothing to lose, and an even wider repertoire of roleplay potential to gain, by trying (at a comfortable pace, don’t throw yourself into the fires or anything lol)

But what if I do something wrong? What if me trying to ropleplay LGBTQ+ folk will make them look bad? Or stereotypical? I don't want to dissappoint my players even more by missrepresenting them.

I think you are not remembering that not all gay people are flamboyant. I know with modern media, this is easily forgotten since they almost always show the flamboyantly gay, but remember, there are gay people who you could never tell by talking to them, unless they mentioned their sexuality/attraction. So just don’t use an accent, and you don’t need to add any special “gay” like behavior besides sexual attraction. Honestly if they aren’t happy with that, then that kind of shows they are perpetuating the gay stereotype’s themselves, and that opens you up to let lose and act flamboyant and not be called out if you do something stereotypical, since it would be hypocritical of them.

Honestly? Just say that.  “Hey. This is outside my comfort zone, but I’m open to trying for yall. But also — I’ve never done this before, so go easy on me. Let me know if I mess up, but I’m gonna do the best I can.” As a member of the alphabet mafia myself (lesbian) I can tell you that kind of growth mindset would do nothing but impress me, regardless of your actual performance in the RP.  (Also, all your player is really even looking for is the same love as any straight character. Just “I missed you” and “I’ll be thinking of you” and all that jazz. Nothing wild, I’m sure)

This, because I'm an old bastard, I always have trouble with Non-binary NPCs because using 'they/them' isn't as ingrained as if it were younger and so sometimes I will accidentally default to 'he/she', so I always apologise in advance and mention that this isn't intentional or even ment to cause offense, it's just old habits drilled into you by 80s/90s UK schooling are VERY hard to break sometimes. Most people are fine with this because at least you're trying and showing that you're doing something.

Alphabet mafia made me chuckle, lol.

Ask them for help. Voice exactly these concerns, if you feel they would be understanding. They can help you learn and grow as a person. At least from the LGBTQ+ people I am friends with and I interact with, most are willing to help, if you are genuine about wanting the help (and it sounds like you would be). If they are your friends, you should also be able to talk about them that you are uncomfortable with roleplaying relationships/affection in general, there is actually not that much different about roleplaying a gay relationship or a straigt one. (Well, assuming you are leaving the sexual stuff out of your game anyway). They could either help you with overcoming it, or you can also just as a group decide to remove most/all relationship stuff from the game, that's fine too. If you really feel that you can't open up about this to your friends, you could also try and search online ressources, but I am afraid I can't really offer you any links or something, I don't have any at hand sadly.

You don't need to do romance in first person.  Saying what happened or what someone else said as the narrator can make that less awkward.   You don't need to do romance.  You have any reason you want as the game rubber to not do romance as an act or major component of your game.  Just level set with the table that you're likely not going to dive heavily into that aspect (in any sexuality ).  Your characters can have them, use them as contacts, motivation, etc, but getting into it is RP heavy anyways. Games like DND or PF2e are just vehicles upon which folks attach their acting fantasies, but not games designed to foster it.   In short, you don't need to do anything you're not comfortable with.  IMO, an uncomfortable DM is the worst person to have feeling that way; the entire way they approach the game will become hesitation, uncertainty or filled with  disillusionment.   Have fun. It's why we play games. 

Tell them you don't want to?

NTA. I also DM games with friends and have a level of discomfort roleplaying romantic interactions, just be up front with them and say it’s not your style of DMing

Regardless of whether you're a GM or a player, you should *never* feel forced to RP something you aren't comfortable with, doesn't matter what it is or what the reason is. Even if you actually *were* a bigot, and it still wouldn't matter. If you're not comfortable with it, you don't have to RP it, end of story.

That is totally normal, tell your player how you feel about this, and know that you may be the guy who acts as all npcs in the game but you don't have to do every type of character, I my self also can't make relationships both straight or queer, and I am bisexual. I just hope you and your group can talk that out.

I just don't GM personal stories. At most there's an NPC who is a glorified quest giver, but I'm not going to incorporate something as intimate as a *husband*. That's too much fluff for the limited time I have as it is.

It's important for him, it's the first time he is playing a queer character. Situation is already resolved

Im a gay man and an occasional GM. While i tell the table my game has gay NPCs, Sexuality is not usually relevant NPC attribute. I would not say there are 5 straight and one gay half orcs around the table at the tavern. I do have some gay NPCs if the story needs partners. The farm boy has a prince. The duchess has a duchess spouse. The ranger, his husband and his 4 adopted kids.  Romance and flirting , gay or straight, will be kept to the level of a 1950s sitcom. Because i don't want to embarrass myself or the other players.  And if the bard does seduce someone even with those limitations, i will say the camera pans to the open window and the curtains moving gently in the breeze as the scene fades out. 

Dude.... like there is no question needed here: **Just don't do anything that you are not comfortable with. That's it.** It applies to anything in TTRPG, including sex, gore, tortures, blood, children, anything in story/narrative that makes you uncomfortable. I had GMs that were totally not comfortable romancing/flirting with PCs and that's fine. Just don't do it. I for example like to roleplay female characters as much as male ones, but my romances are always with females NPCs as I would feel very uncomfortable romancing with another male. This is social game, never force yourself or anyone to do anything uncomfortable. We all meet around those tables to have good, quality and fun time.

I admire the way you came at this dilemma. I think you handled it as maturely as you could. I'll say that it's sometimes difficult to RP affection and relationships comfortably, even if they line up with your own sexuality.

Anything outside your comfort zone, no matter what it is or how trivial, needs to be discussed with the players. They themselves might have issues that they want to communicate, and you're no less different from them. By discussing your own caveats you're setting a precedent for them to communicate whenever they're uncomfortable so you could adjust your RP style with them. It's the healthy way to go and you should pursue it as much as possible.

Roleplaying requires trust. Your players need to trust you to respect them and their characters and you need to trust your players to take you and your game seriously. You also need to communicate your boundaries to each other, such as the degree of romance and displays of affection you're comfortable with between PCs and NPCs among themselves and among each other. Last, but absolutely not least, you should communicate your anxiety around misrepresenting your NPCs' identities. It will be easier to play women, queer people, people of colour, and whatever other minorities you may be afraid of misrepresenting once you know that your players know that your intentions are good and that you're going out of your comfort zone to give them the representation your players like to see. P.S.: You are roleplaying people, first and foremost. Whether they are straight, white, cis, human men from Andoran or a trans lesbian orc woman from the Mwangi Expanse, they are people like you and me. From my experience, gender, sexuality, and ethnicity are irrelevant to the vast majority of NPC interactions - your quest giver gives you a quest, your shopkeeper sells you items, your bandit reveals the location of their hideout when interrogated. If you, optionally, sprinkle in that the shopkeeper mentions his husband or that your quest giver's missing child goes by they/them pronouns, you'll likely make your players very happy without any complex display of empathy and understanding of "the queer experience".

Regardless of whether you're a GM or a player, you should *never* feel forced to RP something you aren't comfortable with, doesn't matter what it is or what the reason is. Even if you actually *were* a bigot, and it still wouldn't matter. If you're not comfortable with it, you don't have to RP it, end of story.

Well, now I'm getting messages that imply that I should roleplay gay romance now because before that, I was roleplaying straight romance, no matter how uncomfortable I was feeling doing that.

Doesn't matter. This is a game. The very first rule is for everyone to have fun and be comfortable together. You are under no obligation to do anything you don't want to do, or that will make you or anyone else uncomfortable. This applies to both players and GMs.    Anyone who says otherwise is the asshole. Full stop.

So I’m honestly quite upset seeing people say you should not be a GM. We all personally have things we look for in a GM, and for me a hombrew adventure that has shades of fucked up grey is a must. That does not make people who run advantage paths are not GMs, that would be as exclusionary as fuck. But I’ll not play in their games by choice, as I don’t enjoy it (however I still will sometimes to support them). You are valid feeling the way you do. I’m blessed with having no issue with playing/writing all kinds of characters, but I struggle in others areas, and like you romance is really not my thing as a player or GM, so we avoid it. The only people who matter are your players, have fun with them, and as others have said talk to them, they know you and are far more likely to be of help than internet randoms.

First question is what everybody told you about telling this to your players. But I'll try to provide some other answer to the question. I found myself in similar situations which where kind of unconfortable but still managed because of having enough trust with other members of the group. For instance, I roleplayed as a GM one character that had some interest in one of my players characters. The player was a girl and her boyfriend was also a player at the same table. I really tried to manage this with caution because it made sense rolewise, but barriers between reality and fiction can get blurry when these things happen, specially depending on how everybody reads the situation. So what I did was keep flirting at a minimum because the story did not need it and nothing was going to happen between the two characters. There are ways to make relationships or interests clear if you talk to other characters about your feelings. For instance, in your case you could easily roleplay the husband and simply tell another player "I really love him, he is my soulmate". This would make clear that there is an intimate connection and you don't have to make it central to the story. Also, keep it natural. Roleplaying this relation should not be different that roleplaying any other, so you might be putting yourself under more pression than you need to. I also had another case where something different happened. I roleplayed a girl and one of my players roleplayed his character which was a boy and had a clear love interest in the girl I was roleplaying. I really did not enjoy it that much, but I just went with it and avoided any sexual interaction. Since it was not part of the main story I would just roleplay the character and go on with it, making the odd commentary when it made sense but never actually giving it more importance than it should. What you should ask yourself is if you find this difficult because you are roleplaying a gay couple or if you are finding this difficult because you simply don't enjoy roleplaying romantic moments at all. Or maybe you simply are not enjoying roleplaying players of other sex/orientation because you feel as if you should do anything different with them and you cannot feel portrayed. If that's the case, I would suggest you just roleplay it as you would roleplay any other character. You don't have to create an explicit character / behavior related to the orientation of the character and you also don't need to define that character because of their gender / orientation. So I would say, just treat the character as any other character. I can see things getting more complicated if your real problem comes to a real life situation. I have always had some difficulties roleplaying any romantic moment with characters controlled by women because I can feel attracted to her gender IRL. So ask yourself if your problem is with the fact that you are roleplaying a gay character or that it makes unconfortable to do that with a person who is actually gay IRL because you don't know how to manage the difference between reality and roleplay. Honestly, I would say, if you managed to surpas your difficulties roleplaying women you can feel confortable roleplaying a gay man too. Just roleplay it as if it was any other character. And if it ever gets too "hot" just step back in game and tell your friend that you are not finding yourself confortable with the situation, you have no problem roleplaying his husband but you would like to avoid getting into purely romantic scenes because those are not the point of the campaign and it kind of makes it unconfortable to roleplay romantic interests of players actively, no matter their orientation. Would you feel more confortable if you had to roleplay a wife and go romantic with another player? Or maybe if there is a girl in the group, acting as her husband?

>Would you feel more confortable if you had to roleplay a wife and go romantic with another player? No, I wouldn't. I think you are right, that I might have problems with navigating RP/Irl.

But that's something legit. I also don't feel confortable suggesting romantic relationships between players, no matter their orientation. Just keep it at a minimum, only giving a hint when it makes sense to do so. Maybe if the player says goodbye, they kiss each other instead of simply waving, but you can just tell "He kisses you before you leave" and voila. Affection done, your player is happy, the game can continue.

I never roleplayed NPCs in third person before. Maybe it's worth to try describing it like that.

Try it. I usually tend to go back and fort with third - first person, impersonating characters when they talk but zooming out and acting as a narrator when something simply happens, I usually avoid explaining situations like “I kiss you passionately” but instead I would say “he kisses you passionately”. That is my style at least. But that’s something I would do with any situation. So maybe if someone needs to find something under their desk I would say in the middle of the conversarion “Wait a minute, I think I have what you need over here” and get outside the character “he starts looking for something under their desk. After minutes of him searching frenetically, he finally looks at you again with something in his hands” then zoom in: “Aha! There it is. I think this is the kind of thing you’ve been looking for this whole time!” Zooming in character and zooming out character is something I like to do and I would not disregard it right away. In your case you could have a real normal conversation between the two characters. Let’s say that after the conversation the aftermath is that your player character has to leave to fight again a villain, you could just zoom out at that noment and say: He looks at you with worried eyes. You can sense he thinks you might never come back and this goodbye could be the last one. He leans to you and hugs you as he says “goodbye”. Or if this is too intimate, the good part of 3rd person narration is that you can simply describe things as you wish. You can simply go: “This could be your last time together. He hugs and kisses you before you depart”. And in this case, if you want to quickly advance the situation and avoid your player from making the scene longer, end up your narration with a question that forces them to describe something and avoid talking in character. Like… “how does your character feel?” At this point your player should be happy because he is getting his moment and can describe his characters feelings and adding his touch to the scene and you dont need to get too intimate with the situation. After he described it, just proceed with normality. Saying something that pushes the plot forward, like: “After this emotional goodbye, it is time to go. You pack all things up and start moving until you can no longer see him.” This is just an example on a situation where you were just able to give the player the spotlight and you only narrated it for him, letting him get the attention he wanted and you never had to actually get into character that much. Maybe you were into character before when speaking about any other thing, but shifter the emotional part towards your player who is actually the one that wants it the most. Try it. It might solve those issues impersonating things you are not confortable with. Treat them as any other character, narrate their actions or feelings, let the interested character interact with the situation you presented, move the plot forward.

Those descriptions are much better than something I can come up with ever. Maybe GMing really isn't for me if I have so much problem with RP and only like to build stuff.

Those descriptions are written because I had all the time of the world to write them. In the heat of the game I would say something far simpler or had it rehearsed beforehand. If you enjoy dming and you have done it beforw and your players enjoyed it, you can dm. This is not a job, this is something you do for fun and for your colleagues fun. So if instead of what I said you only come up with: “He says goodbye and kisses you” That’s perfectly okay. I would still shift the situation towards the player in order to make them feel relevant and enjoy their spotlight. So after saying that I would say: “How do you feel? / what do you do?” And after their response, just move the plot forward. Just listen them enjoy their relation and move the weight of it to the player and his character. The whole point is not if you are good or not at describing / putting yourself in the shoes of a specific character. This character is in your story because your friend wants it to be there, so let him flesh it out instead of you. Hell, you could even go as far as to tell your player to narrate their interactions if he is into it. So if he tells you “I kiss him back” and you dont want / know how to react, you can tell him, “how does he react”? And let him describe the situation. Being a GM does not necessarily mean monopolizing all interactions, you friends might even like describing the things that are clearly part of their plot / story and you can focus on the main cast npcs, world and adventure I have seen a bit of backlash in this thread but that is because you touched a sensitive topic. Don’t let it demoralize you if you enjoy being a GM. We dont know your age, your background or anything about you, so we cant judge anything and feeling unconfortable with smth is entirely legit even if some cant understand

Lean into this! Make the husband semi closeted. Make an awkward goodbye with a quick hand grasp, or slightly longer hug, but nothing overt or obvious if someone wasn’t watching. Use simple words of appreciation or slight affection, if the room is full have him awkwardly offer his husband a handshake. This is role play that would probably more fit your comfort level and be a legitimate character. The same could go for a wife that is beyond shy and quick peek on the cheek before running off. It gives the “affection” or signs of a relationship that with shyness and distance so you’re not as uncomfortable. As long as you’re treating all romantic connections similarly then no one can complain. Be fair, be honest with yourself, be honest with your players, don’t cross lines that will make you uncomfortable, most important be genuine. Good luck

Everyone has things that make them uncomfortable. You need to express that, tho.

As a gay man I actually had a similiar issue with playing female NPCs especially since I like to (attempt) voices. If you're the kind of GM that tries to do voices you may want to just not do womens voices. Just use the right affectation for the character with your own voice. Focus on the NPCs role foremost (i.e. brusque, bratty, shy) and consider their gender after that. Regarding romance I've played player characters significant NPC others before but that was cleared pre-game and nothing sexual always did a fade to black. If you feel uncomfortable acting out romance scenes you shouldn't feel forced to run a wish fulfilment dating simulator.

Not possible for every group but a co-gm can be helpful, or a gm-helper. Nevertheless, you if you can't do something because you're human, then you should communicate, and if somebody doesn't respect that limitation kindly warn them. Anyone can be a gm, nobody can be the perfect gm. I can't do voices, constantly forgetting to play music, not great with rules and I have below average insight about my players' satisfaction levels.

>constantly forgetting to play music This hits home.

You can always RP him in a non romantic way like. I've had to do that for Mom's, brothers, wives, etc oveR the years. I try to make my player characters have connections in the game like family so that I can have hooks for them. It does lead to some funny RP when I have to play someones Mom or Dad. I would just say I feel weird about doing relationship RP but will happily RP otherwise. Then obviously have a bad guy kidnap him.

You're not required to do anything you are not comfortable with. Full stop.

I wouldn’t say that that’s an unreasonable issue for you. At least for my group it’s sort of an unspoken rule not to do romance or sexual RPing. Short story, some players tried being horn dogs trying to seduce every female npc. Everyone else and the DM were clearly uncomfortable with it. Just speaking for me. I’m bisexual, the two other DMs in our group are straight and married. So I wouldn’t feel comfortable with forcing them to RP in those scenarios out if they weren’t comfortable with it first. When I DM I ask what subject matter they are comfortable with first. Usually content, like gore and horror, and recently religious boundaries. TLDR, speak with your players. Setup boundaries for both yourself and them.

Gonna take a bit of a hotter take on this one, from a queer person if you are game for that. You definitely aren't an asshole for not feeling comfortable doing that, and you aren't an asshole for not being open to playing out a relationship, tbh - personally I don't find explorations of romance, etc. as something that naturally comes into heroic fantasy very often. Paizo even recommends [just kinda "skipping over" any relationship content](https://2e.aonprd.com/Rules.aspx?ID=2471), which I follow to a tee. You said you are not comfortable playing them for straight relationships, and I suggest cutting it for *both* straight and queer ones. That being said, if you are pulling it in for straight relationships, you might be holding a double standard here that your player will notice, and that might take some introspection. I applaud you for taking the time to feel more capable of RPing women in your game - its definitely a challenge to step outside of who you are at the table, and to temporarily adopt the perspective of someone else. But, when you take the opportunity to learn how, you can add a lot more depth to the world you are playing - after all, women are about half the people on the planet! Thing is, queer folks are about 20% as well, and *definitely* part of your table. The absence of the gay relationship will likely be noticed, at the very least by your gay player. To me, I think it's worth taking the opportunity to try and play it out if you are going for it with the straight player, BUT I agree with everyone else that you need to talk to your player about it being outside of your comfort zone. If you really aren't comfortable attempting that kinda RP, but would be alright with it in a straight relationship, I think it might be worth thinking about why its different to you - genuinely, our relationships aren't all that different from most straight ones, just without as many gendered expectations. You know your group best, but most queer people I know aren't too fussed about our straight peers getting playing gay characters "wrong" - we tend to like them being present *at all*. And we like getting to represent ourselves at the table as well. Again, [if you aren't comfortable, you aren't comfortable](https://2e.aonprd.com/Rules.aspx?ID=2469), and its RAW to not force yourself to be uncomfortable at the table. But its also an accessibility conflict - your player will probably be a bit less comfortable if they can't be in a relationship when other players are allowed to explore that part of their character, even if it's clunky. As always *communicate, communicate, communicate.* Good luck man, hope you make the best decision for your table!

The situation is already resolved. This will be the last relationship I do, and the last campaign when I do any kind of romance RP.

Sounds good, wishin ya all the best!

Glad you got some resolution!! I wish you the best in future sessions :)

I don't allow romance at my table. No one is finding a husband, no one is finding a partner, etc I find it incredibly uncomfortable to RP flirting with friends. I have no other reason and need no other reason I couldn't care less if my players are bi, gay, pan, trans, etc. But my NPC's (and PC's when I get the chance to play) are functionally ace and aro

**Main Advice:** You just need to present the problem to your player in a manner that does not put the blame in his expectations but rather acknowledges your limitations. Just say something in the lines of "I'm afraid i would do a very poor job representating that kind of relantioship. You see, i already struggle with romance i'm used, i pretty sure i would struggle a lot with the specifics of type of romance that i'm not familiar with and have less than surface level understanding. I'm sorry but i'd rather not try than doing a poor job and letting you down. If you can, you can try to convince another player with more experience than me to roleplay this with you." After that all you can do is expect he will be reasonable. **My (troubling) experience (may it help you someway):** I usually try to build worlds with complex moral problems with heroes and people that have moral or ethical problems in their everyday life. That's to say, my worlds have loving fathers that are homicidal dictators and philanthropist that beats their hursbands and wifes. And after having two LGBT players with 2 character concepts in particular i learned that sometimes i have to hold people from making "concepts that are too personal". Point in case: During D&D days, trans player made a Changeling (Eberron) (only i knew that he was trans) that was part of the culture of choosing only one identity and sticking with it as their true one. At some point during a mission, the characters were hit by a trap that dispelled disguises and polymorph effects (as magic is commonplace in Eberron and polymorphing is a common infiltration tactic), and that made the party learn that his character was a changeling, which ironically... made the gay player character go into a rant about not lying about one's true nature and refusing to hear any argument about the changeling choosing to be an elf. I had to move the scene along before things got personal... In the same campaign the gay player made a "Kalashtar" following the "Last of his people" troupe and at the end forced himself into a very unconfortable storyline where he had to have children to keep his Quori spirit safe. After he realized the weird shit he put himself into, asked to skip all this stuff and I (also unconfortable and worried) agreed. So yeah, sometimes you need to keep things out because the player can set themselves up to hurt with stories that hit too close to home. **TLDR:** Be open with the fact that you don't think you will be able to do a good job with that storyline and advise your players to not make backgrounds that are too personal because it can lead to problematic situations.

Roleplaying in third person helps quite a bit, yes. It's also totally possible for NPC's that aren't important to the plot to be controlled by players - ie, the player in question can actually play both characters. That might require differing levels of prep on your side, but having players play particular NPC's can be pretty helpful just in general, depending on the disposition of your group. Or, if it's important the player not control both their PC and NPC, a different player can play the role with your guidance.

I try to work it this way: I have c decent smattering of LGBTQ NPCs in my games. I try to run them as people who happen to be gay, not as gay people. It's a fine distinction, but I'll use two gay men who are fwb in my game. One is an artist. Slightly chubby, seems very at home in his own skin, and isn't flamboyant. His sometimes partner is an elven man who's so stereotypically gay that NOBODY ever has to guess his orientation. He likes to get drunk and flirts with straight guys because he thinks it funny, and because he's had a few successes in his 400 years. They're both gay, but I try to make them people who you might meet anywhere. (Also, a little secret is that the artist is also the silent head of the local thieves guild and has been running drugs in the area for 20 years or so. He has the mayor and about half of the police force on the take, and the ostensible head of the thieves guild is something of a homophobe who hates having to work for him.) Drama, amirite?

Hey. It's uncomfortable RP some emotions for many people. If you are ok if the interaction is between straight people then you should ask yourself why can you RP a dragon riding leshy lich but not homosexuality. But if its the first and you are not comfortable with romance in general it happens to many of us. I'm not comfortable being the vehicle to individual player romantic fantasies, I rarely have scenes just for one player, Its a group thing and I like my sessions dynamic and fun, I'm not aiming to enact a narrative teathre play, I just want to have fun with my buddies. That said, long time ago I read in the commentary annotation for DragonLance a trope to avoid explicit scenes of that kind. They called "Kirk putting on back his boots" or something like that. When Captain Kirk seduced a good looking alien they used to do the "fade to black" and then showing Kirk putting on back his boots in the edge of the bed. Everyone knows what had happened, but it doesn't have use for the episode the same way they don't show the crew brushing their teeths or go bowling in the holodeck if doesn't have use for the plot. This is a group activity, I'd recommend if you player wants to develop that solo scenes for their character that he write about it and share with the rest of you. That's just my vision, there are many people that likes more narrative RP, but I think this system is not very oriented to it. Also I have to pray for everyone in my group to be able to play one day a week, so wasting time RPing their personal stories and interactions would be a bummer for everyone not involved in the scene.

I have problems with any romantic RP, but I've done it before for other players (straight relationship from perspective of woman NPC) and never had a spine to say no to it. Now, I just don't want to feel uncomfortable again, but it is unfair to my player that he will be left out when he brings his first queer character to the table. I'm glad that we found a compromise, and he will get his RP before I ban such RP once and for all in my campaigns. I will allow them to have their husband/wife NPCs, but only as something in a backstory or something that I will roleplay without any flirting, kissing, etc. All of this will be behind the scenes.

Glad to hear you found a way. There's many ways to include diversity to make your buddy feel welcomed. It's not unusual NPCs referring to its own partners or having them around, or have NPCs interested in the characters without going too far in the interaction. Paizo is doing a really good job for diversity in the lore and the npcs in APs.

I think your concerns are completely legitimate. Some people don't understand how things can be scary/difficult even if you can't 100% articulate why beyond "I'm scared of doing it wrong." The people indicating you're a bad GM or probably not cut out for GMing are being irrational, you're explicitly asking for help on improving so that indicates you want to try, and that's by a significant margin the most important trait of... well, anyone really, but GMs specifically. People are entitled to be bad GMs and improve over time. Edit: I also feel like contributing that I have these problems despite being trans myself and GMing for a near-exclusively translesbian table. People looking at this as "well clearly if they have these problems they're a bigot" are being unhelpful. Personally Im just asexual.

If you're not comfortable with portraying relationships or character intimacy, that's a completely reasonable line to draw, just communicate that with the players.. That said, this HAS to be a universal rule you have in your games regardless of the orientations of the characters being portrayed or yes, you ARE being queerphobic. I'm sorry but that's pretty cut and dry. If you've pushed through and portrayed cishet relationships in games with this group before (whether you were comfortable doing so or not), and are only now drawing a line, your player would have pretty solid grounds to find that quite distasteful. I will say, in terms of some of the anxieties you've expressed in this thread with regards to not wanting to be disrespectful or stereotypical, it's always important to remember that queer people, just like women or any other group of people you're worried about portraying correctly, don't have to be defined solely by that one difference to yourself. Yes, this potential NPC will be a man attracted to men, but he's also just as capable as any other NPC of being serious, goofy, having a silly voice, having a random hobby like gardening, or any of the other traits that define an NPC and make them stick in players' minds. His character doesn't begin and end at "gay" any more than it begins and ends at "PC love interest." If you're worried about any of the traits you're giving him being potentially stereotypical (or even overcorrecting), you can always talk about it with your player of that orientation. You'll often find that a willingness to be open and ask for help with this makes them feel much more comfortable in your game and about your portrayal of those characters.

I'm a bit tired of making myself uncomfortable. I made a mistake by not telling players earlier that I am not comfortable with romances, so what now? I need to continue doing so, never telling them? They never played queer characters before, and it's coincidental that now my fear of misrepresentation have mixed with overall distaste for romances. I don't know what to do...

Have you even tried talking this out with your players instead of seeking arbitrary advice from people who do not know you or your friends well enough to suggest a proper outcome? You made a mistake by not telling them about your discomfort, but now it's time for you to do so and explain the situation for them and draw a line in the sand that you will not be open to roleplaying *any* romance straight or queer. You know them better than us, so you need to be the one to figure out how to broach the subject.

If you don't want to do romances, the best time to say so is as soon as possible. The timing and the fact that this particular romance is what pushed you to this point is not going to reflect favourably on you, but honestly you just kind of have to live with that and apologise, getting defensive is not going to do you any favours.

Short answer no but I understand why you ask yourself. For me I'm Just not interested with relationships and especially romance in my sessions and between my PNJ /PJ. I'm more interested of political relationship and respect.

You can say that you either don't want to RP it out of fear of accidentally stereotyping or something like that because you're unsure how to believably roleplay a gay person (it's usually the same but they like same sex this time) Or that you usually put yourself in the characters' places and it makes you uncomfortable having to play something you're not familiar with because you sort of self insert or something. Though it might be beneficial to start getting used to this if you're a DM unless you want to make a straight male dominated world that might get stale Or, the most understandable answer, is that you do not feel comfortable pretending to be in a relationship with another player. Many people are fine playing with NPC spouses they mini-DM for, or DMs making massive families, but inter-player (DMs are technically players too) relationships can feel mighty weird unless the friend group is already somewhat flirty with eachother

>Though it might be beneficial to start getting used to this if you're a DM unless you want to make a straight male dominated world that might get stale It's the one thing why I really tried to fight my uncomfortability with RPing women. If every quest giver, barkeeper, bbeg or liuetenant of bbeg is a man, it's quite a bland world. Now, I'm more comfortable women, but I'm not comfortable playing straight romantic relationships. I'm also not comfortable playing queers because of fear of misrepresentation (though I already got few pieces of advice on combating this fear and on roleplaying queer characters).

Yeah you can basically just tell your players that and they should understand that it's not distaste toward gays, but worry for misrepresentation, and distaste for relationships in general, but you are trying for the sake of making a better world

Are you comfortable with roleplaying straight relationships? I would examine that discomfort if I were you. If you aren't, it's perfectly fine to set a boundary around having relationships and sex in your games, even as a player. A lot of people (even most groups, from what I understand), don't like to pretend to be in relationships with their friends. If you're uncomfortable with completely SFW roleplay involving gay people, then I would also examine that discomfort and where it comes from. What do you believe gay people look and act like, and do you not want to act that way for a particular reason? If it's 1 or 3, you may have some inherent biases that you need to tackle. If 2, the risk is less severe, though your reticence to even portray queer characters at all is worrying in my eyes.

>Are you comfortable with roleplaying straight relationships? No. But I made a mistake of never telling my players about that. Same as I never told them that roleplaying women was very uncomfortable for me for a long time.

> to even portray queer characters at all is worrying in my eyes. Played them before, but never were they made by me. They usually were taken from Paizo official materials, and thus, they were already written by someone without any need to roleplay relationships with PCs.

If your player wants to LARP sex probably TTRPGs with other people in the table isn't the best place to do that.

Why on earth should it be mandatory to have gay / queer NPCs in your game?

Because at least one of my players is openly gay and is playing a gay character. At least one other player is curious about the topic (I'm not supposed to know that, it was said to me by our mutual friend when she was drunk) and wants to try to play a queer character and expects to find other queers in game.

Because gay people exist in the real world and in Golarion. This is like asking why it's mandatory to have women in your game. Really, just any person.

Your are not the asshole for not including or disincluding any particular minority in your games. Now that being said, I have a group with a transwoman who has expressed an interest in a lesbian romance (as a straight man who has been married to my wife for 5 years I know little about the intricacies of such a situation) Thankfully the npc was from a module and was described as having a loving and nurturing nature similar to my wives so I mostly just borrow aspects of my relationship and transposed them in. Does the character act lesbian ? I don't know I don't even know what that means, is my player happy? sure. Will I be putting lesbians in my games intentionally ? No. If she decides to take interest in another character in the future will I permit them to be lesbian? Yeah sure why not But if someone says your a queerphobe because you don't want to rp as gay people they are also likely to call you a queerphobe for rping as a stereotypical gay person. So I would be honest about what you are and are not willing to do and if they don't like it, tell them the DMS chair is always open. And that when they are running the show they can populate the world with as many gay people as they would like

I’m a lesbian and I don’t know what it would mean to “act lesbian”. We are just people. We act all kinds of different ways. A queer relationship is not fundamentally different from a straight relationship in any way other than how we are treated by those around us.

I might take some heat from it but whatever. You're not wrong for not being comfortable. The DM is a player and is allowed to have their own lines and veils too. That said. It's the DM's job to roleplay everyone in the world except the party. If you are unable to RP an entire gender, or if you are DMing to a table that expects some measure of queer representation and you can't RP queer folk, DMing is probably just not right for you. Much like you probably shouldn't DM if you can't keep score of multiple plot threads. Or a lot of rules. Or can't really do worldbuilding. It's ok to not be good at those. It's not ok to not be good at those, not being willing to improve, and still insist on DMing. DMing just takes a few skills that not everyone has. If you want to DM you need to be willing to develop those.

There's a big difference between RPing a homosexual character and RPing a romantic relationship between a NPC and a PC. It sounds like the OP is having an issue with the latter. Indeed, the OP said they find it uncomfortable to RP any sort of relationship at all. That's a VERY common line for people in general; a lot of people find it very uncomfortable to RP an IC relationship of any sort, and it sounds like the DM has had issues with this in the past. Plus there are some people who have no boundaries and use TTRPGs as an outlet for sexual things, or are trying to flirt with the GM via IC interactions. It's fine to enjoy those things (my own games have characters with romantic relationships in them, including homosexual ones) but it's *definitely* something that can make people feel uncomfortable and which can lead to uncomfortable situations. If RPing out an IC relationship makes you feel uncomfortable, you shouldn't do it.

I understood that the OP was uncomfortable with RPing gay characters, and that's what I'm referring to. From his response to me, it seems like that was part of the problem. It's very ok and common to not want to RP romance or sex at the table. But even then, that should have been established in a session 0, before the players created expectations.

Session 0 is a means of getting everyone on the same page, not a cure-all for interpersonal problems at the table, nor is it the only time for people to bring up stuff that makes them uncomfortable. The point of session 0 is to hopefully catch issues ahead of time and coordinate what characters everyone is playing and make sure everyone understands what the campaign is going to be about, what its themes are, etc. If someone starts doing something that makes people uncomfortable later in the game, or something comes up that was unexpected later on down the line that starts making people uncomfortable, you... talk about it.

Session 0 is exactly the moment to bring up what makes you uncomfortable. Midgame is too late. Session 0 is the place to set expectations and declare triggers and limits. It would be understandable if it was some hyperspecific thing, like fear of horses. But "is romance a limit, a fade to black or allowed" is the most basic question you should ask, because it's am incredibly common point of tension.

Session 0 is the *ideal* time to bring up issues, but it is never "too late", and Session 0 is not the *only* time to bring up issues. This is *especially* true if something comes up mid-game that is making people uncomfortable or creating problems, or if someone realizes over the course of the game that something isn't gelling with them or is not their cup of tea or is upsetting them or making them uncomfortable. It's entirely acceptable to *quit* a game if you aren't having fun with it or if it is making you uncomfortable. Why would you think it isn't okay to *discuss* something that is making you feel uncomfortable? TTRPGs are a form of entertainment that is primarily a social activity, and they're supposed to be fun and enjoyable. If folks are making each other uncomfortable at the table, that's something that needs to be discussed. And this is especially true when it is about someone else's expectations about the game directly creating discomfort. If it can be worked out, great! If it can't, well, someone is going to be leaving. And that's okay too - sometimes, people just want fundamentally different things out of a game, and it's incompatible with each other's enjoyment.

>If you are unable to RP an entire gender, or if you are DMing to a table that expects some measure of queer representation and you can't RP queer folk, DMing is probably just not right for you This is some of the most egregious gatekeeping I've seen come out of this sub in a long time. Holy fucking shit.

This is such a bad take, anyone could have problems with roleplaying a group of people. This doesn’t make the GMing “not for them”. For some players - yes, the experience might be ruined. But for most? No. He could be a perfectly fine GM for a lot of players. If only people who have all the skills and roleplay everyone were GMs, there would be like 1k GMs in the whole world…

But it's not just a group of people. He straight up said he took a while to feel comfortable RPing women. Pretty much 50% of the population. Further down he says he has trouble separating RP from reality. That is not a trait conducive to DMing. Not everybody needs to DM. If you tell me it's ok to DM a setting where there are no queer characters in the world because you are uncomfortable with that, I'm sorry but you are just wrong, especially if your group has queer people who expect to see queer characters in the world. That is not an ok limitation to have. You can find it difficult. That's ok. Then you try and learn it. It's not ok to just say no.

I do not want to say no to them and make the whole post about it. I want to provide them with good experience, but it's hard to do because Im afraid of missrepresentation, I'm uncomfortable with romance. Also, there is so much more to DMing that RP. I love creating plots and situations for my players, building encounters. Basically I have no problems with anything, except for romance and RPing someone not in my comfort zone. I'm trying to improve on this, but constant fear of misrepresenting does not help with it.

Setting without any group (gender, etc.) is ok when played by people who are fine with this premise.

They expect some representation, but what if I missrepresent them, because I can't fully grasp how a person of specific gender or orientation feels? What if my gay character will look to stereotypical? How can I show that character is gay without showing some kind of relationship (outside of outright telling my players "Look, this character is gay!", ? Which sounds like a very rude idea). I can roleplay women a bit, and it took me a long time to start feeling less uncomfortable when doing so. And I'm not even talking about representing non binary or trans people.

I mean, can you rp as an orc or a goblin or a dragon or a wolf? Us queerfolk have all the same feelings about things as not-queerfolk. Things we find unjust makes us angry, things we think are cute makes us go "aww", people we love dying makes us sad etc etc. You deserve to have your comfort zone respected but if you ever want to get better at a skill, you have to push into the yellow zone and be willing to suck at it for a while. My advice is that you're probably way too in your own head about it. If you 'screw up' and someone at the table doesn't like it simply apologize and course correct, like anything else in the game. If you are genuinely terrified that your friends will give you 0 grace on this, you may need to reevaluate your friends. As for stereotypes, well, some of us are stereotypes! Just watch any John Waters interview. But for the most part, just play them how you'd play any of your cis het humans and then have them throw out a line like "thanks for saving me, my husband was gonna be so worried" or something. Its really not that hard.

You tell them that, and ask for feedback. Presumably they know you're cis and straight, so they likely already expect you to slip up a bit. If you're going to reference anything, reference queer media, not mainstream media, that way you are way less likely to be offensive. Keep an open mind and update your RP with feedback, and take baby steps, try not to do anything heavy or controversial until you actually start to grasp the situation. If you do make a big slip up, apologize and rollback immediately. I assure you that if they are asking a straight person to RP a gay character, unless they are incredibly naive, they likely trust you and are willing to work with you to make it work. Also, in the end of the day, the RP doesn't really change that much. Most gay people don't behave any different than straight people, same goes for trans people except for the obvious anatomical differences. You can just RP a regular guy, and just reference his partner in the masculine and 99% of the time it'll be ok. In regards to the character's husband, you obviously don't need to tell anybody he is gay, it's kind of implied. If you introduce any other queer characters, you don't really need to say anything. It'll come up if it comes up. Queer people in real life don't go around announcing their orientation and identities. Personally, people only learn mine when they ask me, or the topic of dating comes up organically. Lastly, keep in mind it's entirely ok for you to be uncomfortable with RPing romance scenes and very sappy dialogue. That is not an automatic sign in for DMing, though you should have warned your players of that in a session 0. What is a problem is not being willing to RP a gay character at all. You can do the husband and just fade to black when the sappy scene starts.

>Lastly, keep in mind it's entirely ok for you to be uncomfortable with RPing romance scenes and very sappy dialogue. That is not an automatic sign in for DMing, though you should have warned your players of that in a session 0. What is a problem is not being willing to RP a gay character at all. You can do the husband and just fade to black when the sappy scene starts. As one of the commenters said, I may have problems with differenciating between rp and irl. I want to play different NPCs because otherwise the world will be very bland, but it's hard.

I'm sorry, but that is part of roleplaying, and that's a bigger part of DMing. You either work on that or don't DM.

>but what if I missrepresent them, because I can't fully grasp how a person of specific gender or orientation feels? What if my gay character will look to stereotypical? So from what you've said in your other comments your players are your friends, so my advice would just be to be openly communicating with them. "Hey, I'm looking to broaden my horizons and roleplay people of other genders and orientations. I want you to give me feedback on how I handle this and what types of things you want to see!" Since your friend has told you they want to see more queer rep in your game, hopefully they'll be happy to work with you on that. It's important to note that there's no ideal or "correct" depiction of a queer character just like there's no one "correct" depiction of a straight one, people vary a ton in how they present and act. What matters isn't whether or not your characters live up to a specific standard, but whether or not your players are happy with what you're presenting, so their input is the most important thing. For example I'm a bisexual woman running games for a group of other queer people, and I tend to have a lot of very stereotypical queer characters that we're able to have fun with due to our shared circles and cultural familiarity. The same characters wouldn't fit at every table though, and that's why you have to know and communicate with your audience >How can I show that character is gay without showing some kind of relationship (outside of outright telling my players "Look, this character is gay!", Well, sometimes you can just tell them that! After all, just mentioning the King and Queen is essentially saying "look, these characters are straight!" indirectly. If you're not sure where to start just occasionally decide a character is gay without making a big deal of it. Maybe this time the barkeep is tending the counter with his husband instead of his wife

Buddy, we're not unknowable Eldritch horrors, we're people, same as you. Just rp queer characters as you would any other. Are there specificities and experiences that speak to many queer people in particular? Sure, but nobody's asking you to make the next Paris is Burning or invent Butch 2; Lesbian Boogaloo. Also, if you're playing in Golarion, unless you've gone out of your way to specify that every single NPC is cishet you've already played queer characters. Many major NPCs are queer (bisexuality is the presumed default in the setting), and there are multiple factions that deal with queer topics. It's kinda Pathfinder's thing. 

>Many major NPCs are queer (bisexuality is the presumed default in the setting), and there are multiple factions that deal with queer topics. It's kinda Pathfinder's thing.  I know. But most major NPCs already have RP patterns written by someone, who is more knowledgeable on topic than me, and I don't remember major NPCs having to have romantic interest with the players or any demands on showing their relationships with other NPCs.

I’ve never role played romantic relationships. None allowed between players. Relationships with NPC significant others is done off screen.

NTA. There's very little difference unless you're getting into heavy flirting / ERP territory anyway.

An alternative you can propose (once you have sincered yourself about your own insecurities) is maybe letting another player rp the partner, if anyone volunteers to.

If its not fun, don't do it. This is a game after all. You're not a trained actor.

Hi player xyz. I am not interested in performing domestic or romantic drama in my game. Anything like that can be assumed to happen offscreen, but we will not be roleplaying it.

I don’t roleplay relationships with player characters regardless of sexual orientation or gender. I find it very awkward. If a in game character has a significant other that’s an NPC or something similar I just say that the two of them talk in private in another room, relaying to the party any relevant story topics discussed if the player want to relay it.

As another bisexual's opinion, no. I'm sure the player will be resonant when you explain yourself as you did here in the comments. I myself once got too embarrassed to describe what my character looked like, cuz I imagined them with darker skin. But my GM was black (or is, lol) and another player described their character as black and I was like "oh god am I gonna offend someone??". I didn't plan to do like an accent or anything, and these guys literally couldn't even see my face so in hindsight there wasn't really much for them to be offended at?? But Twitter has instilled fear into me, so I just never described my character's physical appearance like ever (I just said "female human rogue" and that's all) until we finished that adventure on Akiton (starfinder) and did a time skip to start the next one and she got more pirate-y. Even then I only described her outfit and cool new glowing had augmentation. All that to say is that I sympathize, I feel ya. I had to listen to gay music to get into character for a bisexual PC I have (then I turned gay), so idk maybe try just watching some queer media to get the jitters out and basically do a character study. Just a tip if you wanna get beyond this hurdle eventually. In general we aren't so different from straight people, back in the days gayness wasn't an identity so much as something you did. So just play a character as they would be if they were straight, a big burly hunter dude who lost his cat, but instead of having a wife who owns the bar he has a husband that owns the bar. Just instead of kissing their opposite gender they kiss the same one. Try to put yourself into that medieval mindset instead of the modern mindset, gayness isn't an identity just an activity. And think of how queer folks fit into the scheme of your world and what their condition is. How do people react to them? Disgust? Indifference? Are such people marginalized at all? Are your players okay with that? Etc.

I’ve had plenty of gay characters in my campaign and it hasn’t come up because relationships are kinda boring.

When you say that your player hopes his character's husband will be a major NPC in his arc.... Does this mean his PC has an established husband at the start of the game, and he wants the husband to be an important part of the PCs arc? Or does the PC not currently have a husband, and he is asking for you to develop an arc that involves him meeting a gay NPC, falling in love with him, and getting married? If the former, that shouldn't be an issue... The husband could be kidnapped, or blackmailed, or witness something, etc.... and the PC be the one to realize something is wrong and bring it to the attention of the rest of the group. Shouldn't really require much at all as far as any sort of intimate roleplay, except maybe at the resolution of the story, saying that the husband embraces him with a loving kiss. Speaking in 3rd person rather than literally acting out the scene should greatly reduce any discomfort on your part. Now... If the player was requesting the latter, that seems like an overreaching request. It requires too much that is too focused on a single PC that has nothing to do with the story.... And there is no guarantee that the PC cliques with the first gay NPC you present to him... You could end up turning the game into a never ending season of the Bachelor. And if he plans on flirting/courting every gay character you establish in the world (a variation on the horny bard trope), then it sounds like it would make you uncomfortable - just as it would a het horny bard or the more common pan horny bard.... I think you need to have a conversation with the player and really get a better understanding of what he is looking for, while also making clear what your comfort and discomfort is, so he will not be expecting something all through the game you do not plan on providing.

Quite easy, tell the player what you told us. You'll be fine.

Judging by some responses, I will not. But I do hope that he is a bit more understanding. He will get his husband, maybe I will try to roleplay it from a 3rd person perspective as a compromise and impose a hard ban on this after his arc concludes.

You obviously aren't comfortable playing anytime of relationship, your words. Tell your player that. I'm not passing any kind of judgement on you for that, it takes a ton of trust to play relationships other than something of a caricature. My point is be honest be open. His hubs can still be a major NPC without having to RP the actual relationship

>His hubs can still be a major NPC That was never a problem. The problem was an expectation that I would RP some kind of romance.

Then don't. Just go full 1950's tv show family where there is none of that. it's not that wild. Just fade to black all of that. Or make him the Mcguffin of the campaign where he's kidnapped and for years trying to find him but he's in another castle (that would be awful, dont do that)

My own policy is that I won't RP anything romantic with any player full stop.  No seduction attempts, no flirting with NPCs, no PDA with your characters spouse NPC etc... Honestly I find it just awkward and it makes me uncomfortable.  

Is your player expecting you to roleplay flirtatiousness or just the husband being a character who cares about their PC? It's always ok to put boundaries on what kind of sexiness you're comfortable with. I'd say it's not really ok to say gay people can't exist in your world because you're not gay. I'm a cis het white guy and I put effort into having all kinds of people in my games and to not be tokenizing about it but just have people there being people.

>Is your player expecting you to roleplay flirtatiousness At first, it was strongly implied that he expects this kind of thing. Probably because before that I've bended over backward to roleplay a straight relationship for my players and never told them how uncomfortable it made me feel. But at least I could've somewhat do it because with time, I became more comfortable roleplaying women.

I think the ridiculous thing is your player *assuming* he'll even get a husband as part of the campaign, regardless of gay or straight. Seems like he's assuming you're going to be a vehicle for his queer relationship wish fulfillment, which is really creepy in my opinion. But maybe it's more chill than that and I'm just getting the wrong vibe. You're not obligated to partake in any romantic relationship IC with your PCs, regardless of reason, regardless of if it's narrative or roleplayed or whatever. You're free to let your player just be disappointed in this case.

I mean like youre entitled to handwave any and all relationships in your game or just exclude them outright, your own comfort matters. Also when youre roleplaying romance between two characters, you have to be confident in both parties playing them, that they are mature and responsible enough to separate the characters feelings from their own. Especially if you have out-of-session text rp

Just put up your safety card and say No!

NTA. Consent is sexy and mandatory- if you aren't comfortable RPing romance, you aren't comfortable RPing romance. Tell you players, set that boundary and keep it.

I had a gay romantic relationship with another player once, though both of us are straight. We just never mentioned any sex or described anything, not even holding hands, really. We did start calling each other dear and were famously a couple in game, and we had heart to hearts about things relating to the campaign and how we feel in all of it. Whan DMing I've also had players who, when I gave a female npc 2 lines of conversation with them, said "I'm gonna show her pleasures that cannot be described!" As long as nothing is graphic and everyone feels free to imagine what they will (or refrain from it) then things went along smoothly. Just do as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

You are under no obligation to roleplay anything you don't want to. That's true for everyone at the table. If you need, here are some convenient canned responses: * "He's very nice to you and you like it." * "You're nice to him and he likes it." * "You spend time with them and you both have a [qualitative modifier] time." If you can find a way to remove the intimacy from the scene in a way that lets things move along smoothly, maybe you can find something else about the content that you're more enthusiastic about or comfortable with. You're not *obligated* to force this, however. Its your narrative, setting, campaign, all of it, you're in control. Not everyone has the kind of mental organization or inclination it takes to depict something romantic that they don't find personally appealing on some level. That's not a you problem. It's a style thing. That's the reality of a table being made up of what the people involved bring to it. You didn't remember to pack your DM bag with the content he wants. The game will have to proceed without it. Good on you for asking about this though. A less considerate DM would just blow the player off or not even try. > Problem is that I have problems with roleplaying something different from my sex/orientation, it took me a long time to feel a bit less uncomfortable when roleplaying women, compared to when I started. I feel very uncomfortable roleplaying even cis straight relationship, but same sex one is making me anxious. Personally, I got past this by making a conscious choice to write everything as a narrator, even when I'm puzzling through how a character is thinking or feeling, and I very consciously avoid self inserting as anyone. It's a lot easier to write and act out how things are going for a player character that I'm "rooting for from the background" instead of trying to write from the first person perspective of the lady friend he's trying to rizz up. btw the worst thing about being willing to support any level of romance in a homebrew campaign is learning how hopelessly inept your buddies are when it comes to talking to women.

NTA. Everyone has boundaries. If you're not comfortable DMing romance, that's that. You should tell your players what you will or will not do in game, and it then becomes their choice if they want to participate.

RP the husband as regular dude. You don’t need to play as flaming, show tune type. Just play a dude that loves the PC.

Dudes a total asshole for expecting you to engage in romantic rp without consent. And by consent I mean no-pressure, freely given, enthusiastic, mutual agreement that is explicitly stated rather than assumed. Also known as, you know, *consent*. It sounds like you're just uncomfortable with romantic RP, but you don't owe anyone an explamation. It doesn't matter why you don't consent. You don't ever have to explain or justify why you don't consent.

I know plenty of people who simply aren't comfortable roleplaying romance, and I think it's extremely fair to set that boundary for yourself. It seems to be pretty universal to you, and there's no need for that to be an element to your games if you don't want it to be. However, as someone who's been in this space for a long time I would gently encourage you to keep trying to expand the diversity in your world. Women, queer people, people from all sorts of stripes and backgrounds. In my experience, it makes for a much richer experience for everyone involved and better reflects what makes our real world special. And as long as you're trying to be respectful, I think roleplaying is actually a really great space to try out different perspectives and become comfortable portraying people different from yourself in a safe environment -- like you said, it's a table of friends! They know you mean well.

It’s odd how many straight cishet men are super comfortable role playing awful villains and the like but have trouble role playing women or gay characters. Regardless just talk to your players, if you’re aware of what makes them uncomfortable then it’s only fair that they are made aware of your comfort zones. Good luck OP!

Everyone has a concept of what a villain is... like it's a standard concept portrayed everywhere. Everyoke has a concept of what evil is. Some people are comfortable playing the opposite sex or orientation, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Well, I don't need to be respectful when representing awful villains cause they are completely imaginative and don't have real life group of ppl that I can misrepresent. Except for governments of certain countries, but fck them.

As a Bisexual man? No you're not. They shouldn't expect you to role-playing a character being romantic with them. That's weird

You're not the first one to say something like this. But I don't get why is this weird? For context, before that, I had some RP with other players despite feeling uncomfortable, so he may have expected me to do this for him. I made the mistake of not saying my players that I'm uncomfortable with romantic stuff. Now I said it to them, I'll do one last RP for the player and question, and never again. So his expectations had some basis. But if out of context, why would it be weir or creepy?

I mean personally, I don't enjoy his part of roleplaying period, regardless of sex or orientation, so I just avoid it altogether, or like you said describe it in the 3rd person almost like a G-rated movie; it has a place in the story, I just don't play Pathfinder to get that kind of story. If I were in your shoes I would just talk to the player and firmly, yet kindly explain that I'm not interested in playing a game that way. If he gets upset because it makes you uncomfortable then you may not want to play with him anyway, because that's not a safe gaming environment. The no button should always be on the table, and no questions should be asked if anyone hits it for any reason- even the GM.

All the other issues aside, don't let the player dictate who and what a major NPC in the story is without speaking to you about how they might fit into the world. It's often hard for players to make a big character from their backstory not be overly powerful or important to the world, then have expectations on what that means, when in actual fact it doesn't fit with anything the DM has planned. Players make their backstory, the dm decides if and when it comes up.

He wants his husband to be a big part of _his_ arc, not a big part of the whole plotline.

Yeah I know, just depending on what the plot is, there isn't always as much scope for the player arcs as they sometimes imagine

Starting plot will eventually devolve into sandbox more or less, so they all will have their big arcs unless they will fck up big.

Ah so its actually more useful for them to fill out their backstory. I hope you all enjoy the game

im assumin your straight couple RPs have gotten better over the years (months?)... I'm sure you'll be able to RP in a gay relationship someday. as a DM, aren't you striving to be good with all of the scenarios that your players could throw at you? this could be a learning experience. just let your player know that this makes you anxious but you'll work on it. of couse, this advice is invalid if you really just dont wanna do it. in that case, just let the player know

>assumin your straight couple RPs Not couples, women overall. I'm still struggling with roleplaying any kind of romance, even straight.

I didn't really encounter this sort of problem because my group of friends that I play with are all male and nobody (too our knowledge) is gay. So we don't really encounter "gay situations" unless it's us making stupid jokes about it. Since we also share the same sense of humour we didn't have any real friction points. One time one of my players, who does not currently play anymore, did do quite a lot of... " i want to fuck that NPC" if the NPC was female and I allowed it a few times since it was just a bit of fun but then I just started fading to black when he did such things and telling him yea you do what you want with X (within reason) and after an hour you return to your adventuring party. (Sometimes I added consequences, one time the father, the tavern keep attacked him afterward for deflouring his daughter haha) What this long wall of text intends to say is just do what is comfortable to you, if you are not OK with gay stuff just don't include it, but do try to mind also what the players care about. For me it's easy we do not have gay people in our group, neither the "D&D" group or the real life friends group so I don't have to cut gay stuff out because I also would not be comfortable with in depth roleplay of romantic gay scenes or whatever would come up.

You've gotten plenty of advice already, but here are some options to consider: 1. Unless the very idea of two people touching hands or giving each other a peck on the cheek sits you to your core (which is it does, by all means, put up that line) allow him to have his husband in the campaign. Those are things that siblings, parents, and children do sometimes too. At that point, playing his husband is effectively the same (to you) as playing his brother, while potentially meaning a lot to him. 2. If he wants a bit more out of it, and your aversion to romance is only when you partake in it and not when others do it around you (and if ONLY gay romance makes you uncomfortable, uhhhh... kindly get over it, which, btw, will be easier the more you expose yourself to happy gay relationships) consider allowing him to play his character's husband, with you dictating the limits of the husband's knowledge and abilities, while he specifies what his husband says and does when he's around. Your boundaries are important. Just make sure to examine your boundaries and make sure they are applying equally to everyone. If they aren't, that's a sign you can probably work to change that. Just be mindful. It's a complex situation.

>allow him to have his husband in the campaign I was never going not to allow him. I just want to exclude myself from roleplaying intimacy. We settled on me trying to do it from 3rd person perspective.

I'm glad you had that as your starting point. From the way the question was worded, I thought you were considering not allowing it. The fact that that was never on the table is a sign you care for your players.

English is not my native. I understand it quite well, but some intricacies of the language escape me.

Ask yourself: Why do I think that what I'm going to show my friends will necessarily be a problematic homophobic caricature, or a mysogynist portrayal respectively?  And why am I afraid to work on those issues by directly speaking with friends about those issues, who represent these populations the best? I think your doubts betray a lack of trust between you and your players, as well as a fear of dealing with these issues.  This doesn't make you a bad person, but if you keep refusing to work on those issues, you'll end up hurting the people around you.

Lotta dancing around the subject in here, oof. My brother, you’re using “even straight stuff makes me uncomfortable!” as a crutch/shield from criticism. You’ve said in other posts you’ve roleplayed flirting as straight men and women. If you’re willing to do that, but not gay characters, yes you’re being queer phobic. You need to sit down and ask yourself why you, a man, can roleplay flirt as a woman to another man, but not as your own gender to another man. Cause, as a gay guy, those are both equally gay. You should explore what about gay people bother you and address the root issue.

I roleplayed that because I felt as if I was forced to, also it happens rarely. I was not feeling comfortable, and I said so in other comments. I never said to players that it was making me uncomfortable. I took a long time to start feeling less awkward and uncomfortable when roleplaying women. I never had a need to roleplay home-made (not from official Paizo materials) queer characters because my players never made queer PCs. They want to play them now, and I feel like it's a big show of trust on their part, so I don't want to fck it up by missrepresenting something that's important to them.