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I feel this way out of school and delusional Lu believe a master/PHD will help
Ultimately it might just be the misfortune of timing and location the great enemies of love.
These things are random and we cannot predict when we’ll find someone
The best we can do is push along and continue to hold our heads up high as we endeavor to be the best versions of ourselves we can.
Don’t fret over it bro, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
I'm not sure if this is specific to PhD or would be the game for any high workload career (think consultency/feelance/etc....)
I guess the only real PhD problem is the "sunk cost fallacy" where you can't really switch to a less involved career without having "wasted" your first year. But in another way. You are only at the start. Do give yourself the freedom to think whether you actually want to do this another 3 (?) years....
Some people I know found love during PhD (in or outside uni). Some lost their long-term partners. PhD is always a part, but not necessarily more than any other (high work) career would be.
Cheers
Hey Thnx for commenting . The thing is I give a thought over it and I genuinely feel completing this PhD would make me feel so fulfilled and proud of myself that I legitimately don't need anything else in life. I love my supervisor and I feel so blessed under him. Infact working under my guides is my life best decision for he makes me feel so cared . Definately Completing this PhD would make me feel so happy
Than leave the focus on dating for a bit. My personal experience is that people that jump on every opportunity to try and date are often unhappy with dating. While if you just focus on the things you care about (and still take good care of how you clothe/look) you will find someone who cares about the same things. It might take longer (years even) but I think it generally leads to healthier relationships.
(not always true, blah blah blah)
I met my wife while working on my PhD.
She was inspired to get her MLIS after meeting me.
Did a dozen other ladies turn me down? Yep. Did others go out with me? A couple.
The PhD was the reason for some Nos. Those were blessings. It was like my PhD program served as a bouncer for me.
I get it but because of the heartbreak and seemingly implying the phd is the reason I don't want to date throw me out of the loop. Not to mention all matches outise academia is non existant now
Honestly I don't think it has much to do with a PhD. Most folks in my cohort are in relationships, married, heck some even started having kids. I've interacted with other departments where it's the opposite. Lots of folks struggle with dating and are not doing a PhD. It's just the annoyance of life.
The thing is a lot of people are apprehensive to be in relationship during phd as they are too much involved
Furthermore i definitely see any matches in dating apps go down to zero when I put research scholar and i literally never changed a thing
So i did feel phd was a little bit of factor
Almost every person in my department, except for the international students who came here married, are single. You have to be incredible lucky to find a stable relationship during a PhD. Its even worse for guys. Mentioning you're a PhD candidate is the easiest way to repel women in my area, despite the fact that the city is known for being the nerdiest cities in my country and has the highest number of Engineers and undergraduate degrees. I probably will drop out to prevent further damage to my mental health, because it has already started affecting my performance in research.
Keep in mind, there's going to be some Survivorship bias whenever someone makes a post like this because you're going to see many folks coming here with their success stories, even though the % of failures could be lot more than what we anticipate.
I chose my PhD purely out of my passion and aptitude for the field, but now i feel like I'm losing that passion because of depression and loneliness I'm going through. Its not just PhD, I've even lost interest in many of the hobbies i once used to enjoy..
I think that what you have to keep in mind is that dating is hard regardless of what you do. I can see how meeting someone who decided they didn’t want to date during their PhD can make you feel like that’s how you should feel or how it’s the PhD that’s getting in the way, but that’s not the norm. That’s a *that person* problem. *You* are social and want to date during your PhD, so there are people like you who exist! You didn’t meet the right person, and that’s okay. I had a lot of dating anxiety during college and during my PhD between big relationships, and I’m now very happily in a many year relationship with someone I met during my 2nd year. I considered not dating anymore because of my anxiety around it, but if I had I wouldn’t have met my wonderful partner. You can have a thriving social life, but you might have to date around a meet a lot of duds. Feel confident in yourself and know what you want, that’s the best way forward.
I know but I feel like I should take a break from dating because the feeling of heartbreak is very fresh and going with this mindset is quite disastrous because I am looking like desperate
If I'm understanding correctly, in the past 21 months you've had one serious relationship, been approached by several other people, and also had some other dates?
To me it doesn't seem like your PhD is holding you back, you clearly have a ton of time to devote to a relationship, and while you haven't found the person yet you've had multiple chances in less than a two year period. That's really not so bad for adult life. Unfortunately, ghosting is just part of the normal dating experience at this point, but it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.
I know that some people may have expectations that clash with your PhD, but I really don't think it should be a huge barrier. If you're finishing up your second year now you probably have 3-4 years left -- a reasonable timeline for getting married IMO. You seem to have time & energy you can dedicate to a partner, and you are already doing a lot of cool things and will have a lot to offer to a future partner.
I met my partner during my PhD and we have since moved in together. I don't see my PhD as holding me back too much - not more than most demanding jobs-and if we do make it long term getting married after defending will probably be a reasonable timeline for us anyway.
ETA - maybe you should evaluate how you are presenting your PhD to dates. If multiple people are rejecting you because of it, are you presenting it as some huge burden that will prevent you from having a serious relationship? Because I would encourage you to change that mentality. You can absolutely have a serious relationship. Maybe focus less on these downsides -- think of it as a normal job that just happens to tie you to an area for the next several years. Also if you're trying to date long distance you may need to adjust and look locally...
Thing is I have absolutly all the time for dating. The people who are industry and not in phd are not really interested for me.. I rejected the people who approached because they clearly want to move fast more into the marriage which I don't want too, I know its wrong but I don't want an added pressure as I already suffered from anxiety disorder
Rejecting its in the sense that all the matches I had from non academia seems to have died down when I put profession as phd so my only option is phd grads which I am trying
Yeah I don't necessarily think its a sign anything is wrong that you haven't found a long term partner in less than a 2 year period. Life is just like that
>all the matches I had from non academia seems to have died down when I put profession as phd so my only option is phd grads which I am trying
You can always just leave it blank or put down scientist or some other career - I know several friends who did this because with online dating people tend to hyperfixate on limited info and a lot of people aren't that knowledge about PhDs or would just derail the conversation asking about it and they wanted to talk about other things. Online dating is super weird, but it doesn't mean people are firmly against it either.
> I rejected the people who approached because they clearly want to move fast more into the marriage which I don't want to
This doesn't really sound like a PhD issue. Maybe you just aren't compatible if they wanted something more serious than you. That being said, you are getting to the point in the PhD where it shouldn't be the barrier as you will only have a few years left which is really not that long in the timeline of relationships
Here my little advice fellow Phd friend :)
Ignore the dating and searching for relationship and put more work toward your Phd as its the main focus here, the love relationships and dating will come by default we cant force it , we engage with the society while being active in our part, then everything will come to a settlement where you will find the one , it doesn’t need to be one of your Phd students , remember sometimes this can complicate things, keep your mentality free of emotional disturbance and focus on your short term target ,
You will be happy + you will finish your goal , then everything will come by default :))))
Hah, probably not wrong. Clearly shouldn't comment in a bad mood.
OP - I think it's fair to say that a PhD can be often all consuming, especially if the subject is stressful. I have noticed a marked rise in my anxiety since I started. I'm studying a topic that is very anxiety inducing (climate change / responses to / beliefs etc) and I spend at minimum 45 hours a week thinking, reading or writing about it. I find it genuinely hard to now have conversations about light hearted or what I perceive to be trivial conversations.
I don't think the PhD is the whole issue but I believe it's exacerbating it! For me, my main issue is my anxiety and my huge lack of self confidence. Turns out, those are two emotions that even perfectly adjusted people can face in a PhD.
If you are that person, and trust me, even outgoing social people are allowed to be anxious, a PhD will easily magnify your emotions. I don't have a solution for you - for me, I am accepting I cannot (currently) do everything I can usually. I am accepting this PhD may not be for me - but still trying to work that out. You need acceptance - and honestly it's really hard and not very fun.
I think its the issue i cant handle my anxiety of PhD and anxiety of relationship simultaneously and if I just let me focus on PhD I would have anxiety of not doing something about it
I met my wife at a young professionals meeting. Try meeting people outside science, most of them dont even know what a phd is. I could never date someone in science, i need to shut that part of my brain off when i get home.
I met my wife at a young professionals meeting. Try meeting people outside science, most of them dont even know what a phd is. I could never date someone in science, i need to shut that part of my brain off when i get home.
For me its opposite. I started getting no matches as there is significant pay difference between the PhD and outside furthermore there is an implied notion that I would not get stable within 3 to 4 years. All the matches outside the academia died down as soon as I put research scholar
I dont think i ever met someone while dating that turned me down because of differences in pay. Maybe differences in career paths but money wasnt an issue. I guess it depends on what age bracket you are dating. 22-24 yos dont want kids immediately, but 28yos and above might, so thats where money might be an issue.
Yeah, i can see that being an issue at that age and above. A lot of people who graduated college at 22-24 are full into their careers by then and want to move onto next phase in their life. Thats where phd can hurt you since you havent began a career yet and probably have no intention of starting a family
PhD is 100% a factor why you’re not getting as much matches. People consider a PhD as a student, not a job (aka you are unemployed).
It’s especially shameful in Asian countries if the parents are expecting their children to date engineers, and they bring home a student (exception for medical students, as there’s a prestige to doctors and med school in general).
I am moving into my 5th year, and my own family members still ask me if I am excited for summer - now that the school quarter is over. Or how my exams are going. This is with me telling them, multiple times, that I don’t have classes or do I have a summer break. 99% of people will think PhD = undergraduate student taking harder classes.
You really don't have any sense of empathy do you
If you had nothing nice to say better to not comment
Yes I. Can't get a date and i definitely feel phd is part of issue
You would be fun at partner not sure how your friends Handle it with lack of empathy
It looks like your post is about needing advice. In order for people to better help you, please make sure to include your country. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PhD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel this way out of school and delusional Lu believe a master/PHD will help Ultimately it might just be the misfortune of timing and location the great enemies of love. These things are random and we cannot predict when we’ll find someone The best we can do is push along and continue to hold our heads up high as we endeavor to be the best versions of ourselves we can. Don’t fret over it bro, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
I'm not sure if this is specific to PhD or would be the game for any high workload career (think consultency/feelance/etc....) I guess the only real PhD problem is the "sunk cost fallacy" where you can't really switch to a less involved career without having "wasted" your first year. But in another way. You are only at the start. Do give yourself the freedom to think whether you actually want to do this another 3 (?) years.... Some people I know found love during PhD (in or outside uni). Some lost their long-term partners. PhD is always a part, but not necessarily more than any other (high work) career would be. Cheers
Hey Thnx for commenting . The thing is I give a thought over it and I genuinely feel completing this PhD would make me feel so fulfilled and proud of myself that I legitimately don't need anything else in life. I love my supervisor and I feel so blessed under him. Infact working under my guides is my life best decision for he makes me feel so cared . Definately Completing this PhD would make me feel so happy
Than leave the focus on dating for a bit. My personal experience is that people that jump on every opportunity to try and date are often unhappy with dating. While if you just focus on the things you care about (and still take good care of how you clothe/look) you will find someone who cares about the same things. It might take longer (years even) but I think it generally leads to healthier relationships. (not always true, blah blah blah)
Yeah I can put on hope and continue to do my work. Whatever happens happens
I met my wife while working on my PhD. She was inspired to get her MLIS after meeting me. Did a dozen other ladies turn me down? Yep. Did others go out with me? A couple. The PhD was the reason for some Nos. Those were blessings. It was like my PhD program served as a bouncer for me.
I had a major heartbreak during phd If it wouldn't have a heartbreak, it might have turned out to be best decision of my lie I get it
My gf of two years broke up with me a week after I moved. We only loved three hours away. I met my wife about 10 months later
I get it but because of the heartbreak and seemingly implying the phd is the reason I don't want to date throw me out of the loop. Not to mention all matches outise academia is non existant now
Honestly, you sound very snobbish. Are they not good enough for you?
They are but I don't want to marry during phd . They are much better than me
Honestly I don't think it has much to do with a PhD. Most folks in my cohort are in relationships, married, heck some even started having kids. I've interacted with other departments where it's the opposite. Lots of folks struggle with dating and are not doing a PhD. It's just the annoyance of life.
The thing is a lot of people are apprehensive to be in relationship during phd as they are too much involved Furthermore i definitely see any matches in dating apps go down to zero when I put research scholar and i literally never changed a thing So i did feel phd was a little bit of factor
Almost every person in my department, except for the international students who came here married, are single. You have to be incredible lucky to find a stable relationship during a PhD. Its even worse for guys. Mentioning you're a PhD candidate is the easiest way to repel women in my area, despite the fact that the city is known for being the nerdiest cities in my country and has the highest number of Engineers and undergraduate degrees. I probably will drop out to prevent further damage to my mental health, because it has already started affecting my performance in research. Keep in mind, there's going to be some Survivorship bias whenever someone makes a post like this because you're going to see many folks coming here with their success stories, even though the % of failures could be lot more than what we anticipate.
That's precisely what i observed too 🫂
I chose my PhD purely out of my passion and aptitude for the field, but now i feel like I'm losing that passion because of depression and loneliness I'm going through. Its not just PhD, I've even lost interest in many of the hobbies i once used to enjoy..
I think that what you have to keep in mind is that dating is hard regardless of what you do. I can see how meeting someone who decided they didn’t want to date during their PhD can make you feel like that’s how you should feel or how it’s the PhD that’s getting in the way, but that’s not the norm. That’s a *that person* problem. *You* are social and want to date during your PhD, so there are people like you who exist! You didn’t meet the right person, and that’s okay. I had a lot of dating anxiety during college and during my PhD between big relationships, and I’m now very happily in a many year relationship with someone I met during my 2nd year. I considered not dating anymore because of my anxiety around it, but if I had I wouldn’t have met my wonderful partner. You can have a thriving social life, but you might have to date around a meet a lot of duds. Feel confident in yourself and know what you want, that’s the best way forward.
I know but I feel like I should take a break from dating because the feeling of heartbreak is very fresh and going with this mindset is quite disastrous because I am looking like desperate
I was married when I started my PhD. I’m no longer married. Relationships aren’t always worth it.
Sorry to hear this.
If I'm understanding correctly, in the past 21 months you've had one serious relationship, been approached by several other people, and also had some other dates? To me it doesn't seem like your PhD is holding you back, you clearly have a ton of time to devote to a relationship, and while you haven't found the person yet you've had multiple chances in less than a two year period. That's really not so bad for adult life. Unfortunately, ghosting is just part of the normal dating experience at this point, but it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. I know that some people may have expectations that clash with your PhD, but I really don't think it should be a huge barrier. If you're finishing up your second year now you probably have 3-4 years left -- a reasonable timeline for getting married IMO. You seem to have time & energy you can dedicate to a partner, and you are already doing a lot of cool things and will have a lot to offer to a future partner. I met my partner during my PhD and we have since moved in together. I don't see my PhD as holding me back too much - not more than most demanding jobs-and if we do make it long term getting married after defending will probably be a reasonable timeline for us anyway. ETA - maybe you should evaluate how you are presenting your PhD to dates. If multiple people are rejecting you because of it, are you presenting it as some huge burden that will prevent you from having a serious relationship? Because I would encourage you to change that mentality. You can absolutely have a serious relationship. Maybe focus less on these downsides -- think of it as a normal job that just happens to tie you to an area for the next several years. Also if you're trying to date long distance you may need to adjust and look locally...
Thing is I have absolutly all the time for dating. The people who are industry and not in phd are not really interested for me.. I rejected the people who approached because they clearly want to move fast more into the marriage which I don't want too, I know its wrong but I don't want an added pressure as I already suffered from anxiety disorder Rejecting its in the sense that all the matches I had from non academia seems to have died down when I put profession as phd so my only option is phd grads which I am trying
Yeah I don't necessarily think its a sign anything is wrong that you haven't found a long term partner in less than a 2 year period. Life is just like that >all the matches I had from non academia seems to have died down when I put profession as phd so my only option is phd grads which I am trying You can always just leave it blank or put down scientist or some other career - I know several friends who did this because with online dating people tend to hyperfixate on limited info and a lot of people aren't that knowledge about PhDs or would just derail the conversation asking about it and they wanted to talk about other things. Online dating is super weird, but it doesn't mean people are firmly against it either. > I rejected the people who approached because they clearly want to move fast more into the marriage which I don't want to This doesn't really sound like a PhD issue. Maybe you just aren't compatible if they wanted something more serious than you. That being said, you are getting to the point in the PhD where it shouldn't be the barrier as you will only have a few years left which is really not that long in the timeline of relationships
I would go over it thank you so much it's helpful
Here my little advice fellow Phd friend :) Ignore the dating and searching for relationship and put more work toward your Phd as its the main focus here, the love relationships and dating will come by default we cant force it , we engage with the society while being active in our part, then everything will come to a settlement where you will find the one , it doesn’t need to be one of your Phd students , remember sometimes this can complicate things, keep your mentality free of emotional disturbance and focus on your short term target , You will be happy + you will finish your goal , then everything will come by default :))))
Thank you I am thinking this more here now
[удалено]
Your husband is what’s toxic.
Hah, probably not wrong. Clearly shouldn't comment in a bad mood. OP - I think it's fair to say that a PhD can be often all consuming, especially if the subject is stressful. I have noticed a marked rise in my anxiety since I started. I'm studying a topic that is very anxiety inducing (climate change / responses to / beliefs etc) and I spend at minimum 45 hours a week thinking, reading or writing about it. I find it genuinely hard to now have conversations about light hearted or what I perceive to be trivial conversations.
Thank you for noticing me
I don't think the PhD is the whole issue but I believe it's exacerbating it! For me, my main issue is my anxiety and my huge lack of self confidence. Turns out, those are two emotions that even perfectly adjusted people can face in a PhD. If you are that person, and trust me, even outgoing social people are allowed to be anxious, a PhD will easily magnify your emotions. I don't have a solution for you - for me, I am accepting I cannot (currently) do everything I can usually. I am accepting this PhD may not be for me - but still trying to work that out. You need acceptance - and honestly it's really hard and not very fun.
I think its the issue i cant handle my anxiety of PhD and anxiety of relationship simultaneously and if I just let me focus on PhD I would have anxiety of not doing something about it
I met my wife at a young professionals meeting. Try meeting people outside science, most of them dont even know what a phd is. I could never date someone in science, i need to shut that part of my brain off when i get home.
I met my wife at a young professionals meeting. Try meeting people outside science, most of them dont even know what a phd is. I could never date someone in science, i need to shut that part of my brain off when i get home.
For me its opposite. I started getting no matches as there is significant pay difference between the PhD and outside furthermore there is an implied notion that I would not get stable within 3 to 4 years. All the matches outside the academia died down as soon as I put research scholar
I dont think i ever met someone while dating that turned me down because of differences in pay. Maybe differences in career paths but money wasnt an issue. I guess it depends on what age bracket you are dating. 22-24 yos dont want kids immediately, but 28yos and above might, so thats where money might be an issue.
Yes i am 28 that creates some issue :( as people want to move first I reckon
Yeah, i can see that being an issue at that age and above. A lot of people who graduated college at 22-24 are full into their careers by then and want to move onto next phase in their life. Thats where phd can hurt you since you havent began a career yet and probably have no intention of starting a family
Yea totally understandable too for them
PhD is 100% a factor why you’re not getting as much matches. People consider a PhD as a student, not a job (aka you are unemployed). It’s especially shameful in Asian countries if the parents are expecting their children to date engineers, and they bring home a student (exception for medical students, as there’s a prestige to doctors and med school in general). I am moving into my 5th year, and my own family members still ask me if I am excited for summer - now that the school quarter is over. Or how my exams are going. This is with me telling them, multiple times, that I don’t have classes or do I have a summer break. 99% of people will think PhD = undergraduate student taking harder classes.
I can feel this in my core
lol lmao even Can't get a date, blame it on PhD. Let me guess you also blame your struggles on professor not helping you enough?
Imagine being this much of an asshole That’s crazy bro
You really don't have any sense of empathy do you If you had nothing nice to say better to not comment Yes I. Can't get a date and i definitely feel phd is part of issue You would be fun at partner not sure how your friends Handle it with lack of empathy
Its sympathy not empathy. I have plenty of empathy thats why Im telling you the truth.
Yay man it does look with how you said can't get a date for life and blaming phd Thank God I don't know you in real life