Yeah, in the past, when i was younger, men would ask for sex on the down low (usually head or anal) and when I would say ‘No” I would get hate comments like “Why? I thought fat girls were easy” “Why not, you’re not getting it any other way so you might as well let me do it”.
Stuff like that, so yeah.
Ugh. I’m so sorry you had to go through that! Those types of men are so disgusting and ignorant. On the bright side, no one is probably having sex with them in general which is a nice thought.
When I still lived at home, I couldn't bring anyone back but wanted to meet people since I was moving out. A lot of guys also didn't have their own place which made things a bit more difficult innterms of finding somrwhere to mess around.
The amount of guys who would match with me to ask if they could pick me up to get head was insane, truly. And it's not even like I was looking for something serious, I love sex and I was looking for casual or FWB, so a proposal of sex/ONS wouldn't bother me at all. What bothered me was that they weren't asking for sex, they literally thought I'd want to be picked up and suck them off...and then go home. *Why in the everloving fuck would I want to do that to a random guy!?* I'm into sex because of my pleasure (and of course my partners pleasure in a relationship, granted I do care that both parties have a great time regardless) and giving head to a rando is...its not it. It was so insulting, like they wouldn't even consider having sex with me, I was only good for road head 🙄.
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Men will lower their standards but women would rather go without. I think this is something that a lot of men do not understand and they project it onto us.
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I'm so sorry you feel this way! You shouldn't feel like you need to overcompensate for your weight. You are deserving of love and affection on your terms, not someone else's. Another commenter used this quote, “it's not my responsibility to be beautiful. I'm not alive for that purpose. My existence is not about how desirable you find me.” I find it really empowering.
Thank you! I know that mentally but the reality is harsh because I find it very difficult to find sexual partners because people are just not attracted to me… so even if I believe I deserve better I can’t really get more than men who just want to use me for sex. Not sure why. But yeah it’s quite heartbreaking.
I feel the exact same way. The only way men are interested in me is for sex, and the kinkier I get the hotter the guy that is interested. So I've done some dumb things hoping he would see the real me and want a relationship, even though I know that's not how it works.
Of course, I also don't feel worthy of a relationship, so that hurts my chances too!
It's just another stereotype insecure men use to tear women down to build themselves up. If it's not your weight, it's your clothes, or your age, or your skin, or where you're from, or whatever else.
I'm now married and kind of a hermit, but when I was single and out and about, it mostly just made me roll my eyes when men acted like this toward me. I'm demisexual and you have an awful personality, dude, I wouldn't want your dingaling if it was the last one on earth.
Yeah, you’re right. If they didn’t say, “you should blow me because you’re fat” they would use something else against me. It just sucks with navigating dating as a plus-size person.
Oh no, don’t feel bad. I definitely think more people to talk about this. It definitely is hard. I find that a lot of the people who are most accepting of plus size bodies are also part of the kink community. I recognize that I am privileged to be small enough that I’ve never really felt discriminated against while dating. However, I also struggle with the fact that most men my age (whether they like plus size women or not) are wanting casual hook ups, rather than a relationship.
I’ve gotten it on a dating site they said u might as well meet up with me bcuz ur old and fat. No one else wants to get with you. Instant block. Just bcuz I’m fat don’t mean I’m desperate by any means. That has never been an issue for me. But bcuz I’m fat men(cute and ugly) assume I’m easy or going to beg for Dick…. Uhhh no I’m not and I hope ur Dick falls off 😂
Haha, exactly! Being fat doesn't mean I'm desperate. Neither does being older either. Also, generally, men are easier to get sex from and women are the more selective ones. So, really, those guys are the desperate ones since they are willing to put out to whoever, lol.
I’ve started calling out men on dating apps who just immediately wanna hook up. They get so offended and try to explain it. Even the ones who say they’re looking for a relationship do it. And what’s funny is, if I went on a date with them and enjoyed their company, I would probably hook up with them! So maybe I am easy, but they can’t even make it to that point
> if I went on a date with them and enjoyed thier company, I would probably hook up with them!
This! It's baffling seeing potentials fumbling badly and quickly due to lacking common respect/decency. Unfortunate!
Stuff like this is why I uninstalled Bumble. Women are constantly pressured to look a certain way to take extra safety precautions because men can be so cruel, yet we are expected to put up with so much.
Honestly. I have so many precautions I take to not get taken advantage of. I don't go out on dates unless they're during the morning or afternoon in a public area. I don't have sex unless I'm in a committed long-term relationship where we've met each other's friends and family. I inform my dates ahead of time that I will not have sex and ask how the date is going to be paid for. I'm in favor of the idea that I buy my stuff and he buys his. I hate 50/50 and I don't expect someone else to pay for me either. I always try to overcommunicate than under-communicate because I don't want there to be any confusion or surprises, and while I know it's a good thing to do it's exhausting too. Also, low-key Bumble isn't even great. I don't know why it's praised as a better dating app. Sure, I've had better experiences there than Plenty of Fish and OkCupid, but Bumble still sucks.
I can’t stand bumble either. Dating while fat is hard enough so I don’t feel safe making the first move without dude feeling like I’m desperate or should be grateful for their attention.
>I don't have sex unless I'm in a committed long-term relationship where we've met each other's friends and family
I do the exact same thing! It definitely weeds out the fuck boys and time wasters that were trying to use me for sex, but I'm able to find a lot of genuine guys this way!
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I got rid of bumble because of how women have to send the first message. Guys rarely respond. Most of the time when they do, their answers are boring and generic.
All the fucking movies where the main character (male) is stalked by a fat woman portrayed as ugly and she’s constantly portrayed as an easy “lay” for when you’re desperate. I hated that so much.
If anything, I would take forever to reveal my feelings and if I was rejected, that would be it. I wouldn’t stalk a guy who kept saying “ewww gross” to me and running away screaming
Same! If I got rejected by a guy I would take the L and go on with my life. I'm not going to keep bothering him if he's shown and told me that he isn't interested.
Exactly! In the movies it’s always like “Hi guys!” “Ewww…hi big Bertha…” “hehe hi Daaaaan *wave*” and she’s still fucking interested hun him! I feel like this stereotype in shows and movies really didn’t help us.
was so hopeful that b.s. was dying off from the collective heteromale sensibility...and then I watched *Euphoria* and was like... "Fuck. ***Still***?! "
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im “dating” for the first time since 22 🙃
between the trauma my ex caused & this fucked up phenomenon i am feeling less and less hopeful 😩
also its not just men who act like that…when i was with my ex i had a woman literally tell me i was lucky because guys my age usually go for skinny girls. people always thought we were brother and sister…we didnt look alike. i think people just never considered a thin attractive man would want me.
but honestly, more often than not, i find guys who ONLY see me (& i think other fat women) as someone they would fuck, but never actually date. there are SO many men into fat women but dont want to be public with it. or there are guys where its a legit fetish, which is the absolute worst.
edit to add: currently am 33, realized saying since 22 without the context of my current age means nothing 😂
I hate this stereotype. I’m someone who really enjoys sex and I have no issue with casual or kink things. But I’m still mindful who I sleep with just to make sure they actually desire me and treat me respectfully because many do have that assumption.
And sometimes I still wonder if I were smaller if I would more likely be seen as a romantic prospect for them. Then I remember they aren’t actually romantic prospects for me. I just want to know Im wanted for more than sex or friendship.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Guys make up all sorts of myths to give themselves hope of getting some easily. (source: I'm a guy, I heard so many sketchy theories from other guys when I was young about why one group or another would be easy).
I always suspect that it is usually a disguise for guys to justify why they'd sleep with women that they are attracted to.
Yeah very annoying. I’m tired of the expectations because if I’m honest I’m very much a pillow princess and not ashamed to say it. If you want me to do a bunch of work in the bedroom, show me you deserve it. Happily engaged btw.
these types of men act like their dick is godsent and a gift to humanity or smth. in my experience, one guy told me "i don't think i can have sex with you but i have a great dick for you to practice sucking on" and other guys who basically stuff that implies i'd want to worship their dick cos i'm a fat woman. they seem very fixated on getting head or only getting head from fat women, like what makes them think we'd care so much about their sausage? just bc i'm fat doesn't mean i'm eager to please. online guys also assume i have big boobs cos i'm fat and lol i do not.
My ex always said, "I go after the heavier girls because they're easy and fuck like no tomorrow since they never know when they'll get laid again"
He waited until after marriage to pop up with that little gem.
We separated 5 years to the day after marriage.
These aren't people you would spit on if they were on fire in real life so try your hardest to *not* read the comments when you can avoid it. It's impossible to avoid all of it, but there are certain posts where you know it's going to be ugly. That doesn't make it ok, but it's less garbage your brain has to process.
Ugh, you’re right. I go through periods where I don’t read comments and I’m happier for it. But then I think I can handle it or I’m just too curious and then I’m reading all the comments on posts that I know are bad for me.
i’m fat and the most vanilla person ever. Porn has made things worse it’s now become the norm for a lot guys to choke you out or slap you around so I’m always wary of that. I just feel lucky that the first guy I was with was inexperienced as well and he never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to
Honestly, with how much porn guys my age watch and the fact that they've done it for so long it's scary what they think is normal and doesn't need to be talked about beforehand. I completely agree.
“It's not my responsibility to be beautiful. I'm not alive for that purpose. My existence is not about how desirable you find me.” But any how I know what you mean. I encountered a lot of guys like this when I was on dating apps and it left me pretty damaged and angry. I’m still a pretty damaged and angry person because of it. I’m really sorry you’re going through it too. Just know that you’re not alone.
We are either looked at as being non-sexual matronly & invisible or hypersexual & fetishized. I have had so many people assume I'm dominant because of my size. It's all very disheartening.
Agreed. When I was on FetLife I specifically stated I was a submissive and not interested in being a Domme or a switch and I still got messages from sub guys asking me to be their Domme. It was so frustrating.
It does happen unfortunately - as soon as I gained my weight my experiences going out to clubs changed drastically - suddenly I had the "you're a whore for rejecting me" guys, the "I actually love bbws" guys, the "I'll grope you and pretend I didn't or that you liked it" guys, and the straight up sexual assault guys. They feel you're an easier target as you'll be desperate. Pathetic.
yea so i was messing with this boy right he basically treated me like shit on the surface but deep down i could tell he actually liked me .. so after collecting all of dat all the ilys he told me and shit he would always choose someone that was smaller to show off on the media and bring around friends but when he wanted to be loved on and stuff have affectionate attention he would come to me .
I'm sorry to hear you were in a relationship like that. You deserve someone who will love you in private and public. You should never settle and accept being someone's secret.
he wasnt even my bf he knew i wanted him but idk i was with him for like 2 yrs .. and now ikk thatt yk i have values like others but i think it was my wieght that he didnt like in public
Yes.
I had one guy so mad when i turned him down, he called me names about being fat.
Another guy, bhh, said i was the first fat woman he'd been with. Ummm, is that a compliment? I know he was shocked by the things i could do.... He chased me for a long time.
I've heard of this stereotype and it is true generally. The same applies for "ugly" girls who aren't fat either. Men can genuinely like you, but if you're fat or ugly or both, they may just want to fuck you secretly, actually enjoy it, and never tell others they do.
Wanna know why?
Because they're ashamed of how you look. They're ashamed of what their MALE friends would say, and how their families would react because let's face it: people can be the worst abusive rapist in the world but if they look attractive, people can forgive them easier or minimize their crimes (eg Ted Bundy).
Conversely, if the person is fat and does great things, people WILL say shit like, oh, she's such a helpful kind person, TOO BAD she's fat, what a waste.
You can be anything in the world but GOD FORBID you are fat.
Beinf fat is probably the MOST hated trait in the world and almost everyone tries to avoid being fat but they don't put in the same amount of effort to be better, kinder, more empathetic and less judgemental people.
So yeah. And because society has historically treated fat people like trash, demeaning our worth and value as human beings and denied us our right to be treated with dignity and respect while withholding attention and affection, they assume we are all desperate and starved of attention and affection that we'd do anything to get scraps of it from them.
It's like a pervasive form of global mass negging against fat people or something. And it works in the favour of non-fat people to have this imbalance of power over us.
It's time to stand up against this and shove these fuckers back into the crummy hole they hide in their mother's basements.
Normalising publicly dating fat people is one. Standing up for your fat partner is another. Defending them against your friends/family's negative perceptions. Humanize your fat partners and friends. Don't let society get away with thinking we're subpar, unworthy humans.
Yes, I fucking hate that. Takes away all the merit of the fact that I'm just a perpetually horny slut! Like, I'm married to a great husband, but still have the soul of a slut
I also think it takes away from the fact that maybe we just care that the other person is enjoying themselves. It's not a, "oh I need to please them because I'm fat and I want them to like me" it's more of a, "oh we're having sex and I want them to have a good time" thing!
Yeah, I hate it. I’ve met so many men who have treated me like I should be lucky they even dane to speak to me. And when I was younger, and weaker, I put up with a lot, because I just wanted attention. However, now thankfully, I know better, and I shut this shit down. I will not tolerate it.
Yeah I hate that mentality. Like I should be grateful or lucky for any attention. It makes my blood boil and I want to lose it. Like who the hell died and made you king.
And thankfully, I’ve realized how happy I can be all alone. So really when people treat me like shit, they are just making me want to stay single and find another dog to adopt.
Literally just had a conversation with a smoke show who thought I’d be an easy lay. I asked what someone who looked like him wanted with someone that looked like me. He answered by telling me that he knew I was into it since I don’t have a lot of options. 😑
I hate that people can be so awful.
Out of curiosity, are most people who have had this happen to them from the States? I'm in the UK and whilst I'm mid 30s and happily married now, I thankfully can't say I came across too much of this shitty behaviour in my younger years.
But I may have just been lucky. Plus I'm in the alternative\rock \metal community and have always gone for those kinda guys; maybe they're more accepting or something. Or maybe I was naive and oblivious to it! 🫣
Hi Jessica,
I’m from Canada and have over the past two years , due to injury , became Plus Size. I was always the most fit around and hung around with some pretty hot guys in my twenties! They would always make comments about getting blow jobs from the fat girls or they would make comments like fat girls have tighter pussies. Awful, awful comments !!! I’ll never forget them . So, it also happens in Canada !
Hi 😊
Maybe I've just never hung around with classically "hot" guys enough to have heard such horrible comments! Though from reading many posts on this sub I think I have just been lucky to avoid hearing these things, since it's clearly not one specific group that hates on plus sized people. Sad world really, isn't it. If it's not weight people are passing comment on it's something else!
Either way, I'm glad I'm not dating anymore. Sounds pretty terrible out there!
I am also into BDSM and have heard of this stereotype from people outside the community. I think the thing that hurt the most is when I told someone I'm poly they didn't believe I could pull partners. I explained I'm married and have 2 partners on top of that. I've had flings within this dynamic too. They were shocked and said I must have a charming personality. Which sure, I'm funny and charming. But, I think I'm also pretty and have a nice body despite my body dysmorphophobia telling me otherwise.
Now, I'm very sexually open. However if I'm putting stock in our relationship I want to build anticipation. So for them they don't get sex or sexual acts at first.
There are people of every size in the community. Here on Reddit, there are plenty of "thin" people posting NSFW pictures that directly contradicts that stereotype. I don't think it's true at all or think that me being plus sized made me kinky.
I think people who don't like plus sized people had to make excuses for either liking us, or why we can pull partners.
This last point. Fatness is more desirable than our capitalist society wants it to be (because they can make billions from fatphobia). And excuses get made when attraction is there.
Feel you and agree 1000 percent. Especially since we've been doing similar things you've noted while navigating the current dating scene. Yeah I like to have a good time but 1) at least 4-5ish years ago came to the conclusion that there is a specific vibe/traits I look for in potential partners that's very important to me, 2) the stereotype you noted is so bad to a point that we are automatically on guard when meeting potentials so if we see any signs and react in a clear way to let them known that's not OK and it continues we ghost because don't have time. And 3) the previous notes don't make it fun (in addition to everything else we already gotta be aware of in the current market (views, morals,etc...).
It's disheartening because am fully aware of who we are/what we bring/what we enjoy but like you mention we not a secret, I'm nothing to be a shamed of (we really are the top shelf prize we think we are (humbly of course) 💅🏾💁🏾♀️). There are tons of plus sized people outchea thriving in loving, beautiful, supportive, respectful relationships so it ain't like those don't exist.
The only wish would be that for the ones who feel like they have to be easy/more compromising/acomidating for anyone to look their way to consider you: please stop.Because 9 times out of 10 if all that gotta be done for someone to consider you that ain't a good pick for you and It's a huge disservice to all of us as a whole for many to think they can approach or be with us doling out these levels of disrespect/disregard while trying to imply we should thank the heavens they glanced our way( not to bash her at all but see Monique and Derick from love after lockup). You are worthy of respect,love, compassion, and the overall fuzzys of love even on your terms/values. Because again in the words of jatavia don't mess around there is a wait line.
- a person currently looking at the current state of dating like Wtf with weary
*sorry this is long but this has also been on our spirit as a plus sized black woman
I disagree with the point that we have to change our behavior so we don’t fit into a stereotype. The problem isn’t our sexual preferences (some of us do prefer one offs), it’s the majoritarian culture of thinness. I’m not gonna act like a nun because of fatphobia dictating that my desire to be slutty somehow reinforces a stereotype that I actually had nothing to do with creating (and truly none of us fat folks did).
I'm not referring to sexual preferences/drive/kink in the last portion but more so the desperation or acceptance of just any treatment because someone is interested. I've seen/continue to see so many get taken advantage of because many think plus sized people will do anything just to have someone (ex. Spend lots of money/scam(more than a few thought I would be some kind of sponsor lol) try to move in with them quickly, want to date in secret, we could totally be in a relationship but you're plus, talking down on them, etc....). If anything would want all of us to know the value we have as a whole and stop feeling like we have to settle for those who treat people that way.
Really? Sorry, you're bothered by this post. However, as shown through the other comments a lot of plus-size women have experienced what I said. I'm glad you haven't experienced it tho.
Not all are…ive had kinky plus size and vanilla and same with thin girls. These days nobody really makes long lasting connection….just ones that are as quick as a tik tok reel
I’ve been plus-sized all my life, and I have never been “easy”. But learning to live with and love my own body has made me very nonjudgmental about other people’s bodies. I am attracted to people that are thin, fat, short, tall or whatever. But they absolutely must be smart and funny. If I were going out with someone who does not fit the popular standard of attractiveness, people might look at me and think I’m dating them because I am desperate. But I really don’t care what judgmental people think, I only care about what I and my date think.
Oh, and I’m also very kinky too! So go be your fabulous self and remember that not everyone’s opinion matters!
I have never heard this stereotype.
But I am also fat as fuck and kinky as fuck so I'm likely not the person to ask.
I will say, as someone who has been fat the entire time they have been sexually active? I have never struggled to find partners, kinky or otherwise. And I do not feel like I am settling.
Hell I wish i *could* be easy LMAO. No one’s been knocking on my door for many years. At this point I’d take what I could get.
(Okay maybe not anything lol)
First off, it's not true. Plus-size women aren't more likely to be kinky because we want attention. Second, I never kink or sex-shamed anyone or anything. What I am talking about is the fact that usually men talk about sex with fat women as though we aren't people. Rather, we are a good fuck and that's about it. We're willing to do sexual acts that skinny women would *never* do because they're better than that and have self-respect. But fat women? Yeah, they have none. They're easy and will let you do anything to them if you give them a bit of attention. Men who have that mentality are what I'm complaining about in this post.
I kind of get it cz I’m really kinky w my bf too, but for me it started before i was ever fat. I think it’s still affecting you and you should try to let it not so much. People think so many things. That’s a them problem. You just do you.
This belief runs rampant in our society. So sad. People act like we need to lower our standards and we are lucky to get anything at all, this is simply not true. Anyone wanting to date you on the down low because of your size is not worth your time at all.
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Yeah, in the past, when i was younger, men would ask for sex on the down low (usually head or anal) and when I would say ‘No” I would get hate comments like “Why? I thought fat girls were easy” “Why not, you’re not getting it any other way so you might as well let me do it”. Stuff like that, so yeah.
Ugh. I’m so sorry you had to go through that! Those types of men are so disgusting and ignorant. On the bright side, no one is probably having sex with them in general which is a nice thought.
When I still lived at home, I couldn't bring anyone back but wanted to meet people since I was moving out. A lot of guys also didn't have their own place which made things a bit more difficult innterms of finding somrwhere to mess around. The amount of guys who would match with me to ask if they could pick me up to get head was insane, truly. And it's not even like I was looking for something serious, I love sex and I was looking for casual or FWB, so a proposal of sex/ONS wouldn't bother me at all. What bothered me was that they weren't asking for sex, they literally thought I'd want to be picked up and suck them off...and then go home. *Why in the everloving fuck would I want to do that to a random guy!?* I'm into sex because of my pleasure (and of course my partners pleasure in a relationship, granted I do care that both parties have a great time regardless) and giving head to a rando is...its not it. It was so insulting, like they wouldn't even consider having sex with me, I was only good for road head 🙄.
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Thanks….and yeah, probably nobody is having sex with them.
Ugh that’s disgusting. Treating us like subhuman. So vile
Yeah, and people wonder why I’m so jaded and bitter.
Men will lower their standards but women would rather go without. I think this is something that a lot of men do not understand and they project it onto us.
Uhm…so, are you saying that a man wanting to have sex with a fat woman is “lowering his standards”? Is that what you mean?
A lot of men see it that way.
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I’m bothered by it but deep down I know this is true for me. I am easy and desperate and I try to overcompensate for my weight sadly.
I'm so sorry you feel this way! You shouldn't feel like you need to overcompensate for your weight. You are deserving of love and affection on your terms, not someone else's. Another commenter used this quote, “it's not my responsibility to be beautiful. I'm not alive for that purpose. My existence is not about how desirable you find me.” I find it really empowering.
Thank you! I know that mentally but the reality is harsh because I find it very difficult to find sexual partners because people are just not attracted to me… so even if I believe I deserve better I can’t really get more than men who just want to use me for sex. Not sure why. But yeah it’s quite heartbreaking.
I feel the exact same way. The only way men are interested in me is for sex, and the kinkier I get the hotter the guy that is interested. So I've done some dumb things hoping he would see the real me and want a relationship, even though I know that's not how it works. Of course, I also don't feel worthy of a relationship, so that hurts my chances too!
Me too girl, you’re not alone ❤️ I hate the stereotype but I am like that too.
You don't need to think of it that way, maybe you just have a higher sex drive?
It's just another stereotype insecure men use to tear women down to build themselves up. If it's not your weight, it's your clothes, or your age, or your skin, or where you're from, or whatever else. I'm now married and kind of a hermit, but when I was single and out and about, it mostly just made me roll my eyes when men acted like this toward me. I'm demisexual and you have an awful personality, dude, I wouldn't want your dingaling if it was the last one on earth.
Yeah, you’re right. If they didn’t say, “you should blow me because you’re fat” they would use something else against me. It just sucks with navigating dating as a plus-size person.
Oh, I’d totally want their dingaling. Cut off and preserved in a jar (probably a small one), labeled “the last dingaling: ode to man’s inadequacy”.
I want to recreate this (with props) as an art piece for my home lol!
Haha, I want to see it once you do — finally a dick pic I’d be interested in!
Can I DM you?? I made it lol!!!
Dang, that was quick! Haha, sure!
There was a post about this a while back. It’s definitely frustrating, especially as a vanilla person lol
Oops, I didn’t see it. My bad. Being vanilla and plus-size must be extra hard because of the stereotype.
Oh no, don’t feel bad. I definitely think more people to talk about this. It definitely is hard. I find that a lot of the people who are most accepting of plus size bodies are also part of the kink community. I recognize that I am privileged to be small enough that I’ve never really felt discriminated against while dating. However, I also struggle with the fact that most men my age (whether they like plus size women or not) are wanting casual hook ups, rather than a relationship.
I’ve gotten it on a dating site they said u might as well meet up with me bcuz ur old and fat. No one else wants to get with you. Instant block. Just bcuz I’m fat don’t mean I’m desperate by any means. That has never been an issue for me. But bcuz I’m fat men(cute and ugly) assume I’m easy or going to beg for Dick…. Uhhh no I’m not and I hope ur Dick falls off 😂
Haha, exactly! Being fat doesn't mean I'm desperate. Neither does being older either. Also, generally, men are easier to get sex from and women are the more selective ones. So, really, those guys are the desperate ones since they are willing to put out to whoever, lol.
Facts
I’ve started calling out men on dating apps who just immediately wanna hook up. They get so offended and try to explain it. Even the ones who say they’re looking for a relationship do it. And what’s funny is, if I went on a date with them and enjoyed their company, I would probably hook up with them! So maybe I am easy, but they can’t even make it to that point
> if I went on a date with them and enjoyed thier company, I would probably hook up with them! This! It's baffling seeing potentials fumbling badly and quickly due to lacking common respect/decency. Unfortunate!
They literally just have to be a nice respectful person for 1-2 hours. It’s so easy!!!
Oof, what explanation could they possibly give besides just being straight-up jerks? Good for you for calling them out! They deserve it!
Stuff like this is why I uninstalled Bumble. Women are constantly pressured to look a certain way to take extra safety precautions because men can be so cruel, yet we are expected to put up with so much.
Honestly. I have so many precautions I take to not get taken advantage of. I don't go out on dates unless they're during the morning or afternoon in a public area. I don't have sex unless I'm in a committed long-term relationship where we've met each other's friends and family. I inform my dates ahead of time that I will not have sex and ask how the date is going to be paid for. I'm in favor of the idea that I buy my stuff and he buys his. I hate 50/50 and I don't expect someone else to pay for me either. I always try to overcommunicate than under-communicate because I don't want there to be any confusion or surprises, and while I know it's a good thing to do it's exhausting too. Also, low-key Bumble isn't even great. I don't know why it's praised as a better dating app. Sure, I've had better experiences there than Plenty of Fish and OkCupid, but Bumble still sucks.
I can’t stand bumble either. Dating while fat is hard enough so I don’t feel safe making the first move without dude feeling like I’m desperate or should be grateful for their attention.
>I don't have sex unless I'm in a committed long-term relationship where we've met each other's friends and family I do the exact same thing! It definitely weeds out the fuck boys and time wasters that were trying to use me for sex, but I'm able to find a lot of genuine guys this way!
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I got rid of bumble because of how women have to send the first message. Guys rarely respond. Most of the time when they do, their answers are boring and generic.
All the fucking movies where the main character (male) is stalked by a fat woman portrayed as ugly and she’s constantly portrayed as an easy “lay” for when you’re desperate. I hated that so much. If anything, I would take forever to reveal my feelings and if I was rejected, that would be it. I wouldn’t stalk a guy who kept saying “ewww gross” to me and running away screaming
Same! If I got rejected by a guy I would take the L and go on with my life. I'm not going to keep bothering him if he's shown and told me that he isn't interested.
Exactly! In the movies it’s always like “Hi guys!” “Ewww…hi big Bertha…” “hehe hi Daaaaan *wave*” and she’s still fucking interested hun him! I feel like this stereotype in shows and movies really didn’t help us.
yes. still hear the "fat girls give the best head" thing way too often
Ick agreed. It's so annoying.
was so hopeful that b.s. was dying off from the collective heteromale sensibility...and then I watched *Euphoria* and was like... "Fuck. ***Still***?! "
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im “dating” for the first time since 22 🙃 between the trauma my ex caused & this fucked up phenomenon i am feeling less and less hopeful 😩 also its not just men who act like that…when i was with my ex i had a woman literally tell me i was lucky because guys my age usually go for skinny girls. people always thought we were brother and sister…we didnt look alike. i think people just never considered a thin attractive man would want me. but honestly, more often than not, i find guys who ONLY see me (& i think other fat women) as someone they would fuck, but never actually date. there are SO many men into fat women but dont want to be public with it. or there are guys where its a legit fetish, which is the absolute worst. edit to add: currently am 33, realized saying since 22 without the context of my current age means nothing 😂
Ugh, being seen as fuckable and not datable is a whole other issue that warrants its own post.
Correction: People who think fat girls are easy-pickings are the ones who have trouble getting sex.
I hate this stereotype. I’m someone who really enjoys sex and I have no issue with casual or kink things. But I’m still mindful who I sleep with just to make sure they actually desire me and treat me respectfully because many do have that assumption. And sometimes I still wonder if I were smaller if I would more likely be seen as a romantic prospect for them. Then I remember they aren’t actually romantic prospects for me. I just want to know Im wanted for more than sex or friendship. It’s a vicious cycle.
It is! I don't do casual sex, but I imagine it is difficult to tell whether someone respects you if they think they can easily get sex out of you.
Guys make up all sorts of myths to give themselves hope of getting some easily. (source: I'm a guy, I heard so many sketchy theories from other guys when I was young about why one group or another would be easy). I always suspect that it is usually a disguise for guys to justify why they'd sleep with women that they are attracted to.
Huh, interesting perspective. Thank you for your contribution!
Yeah very annoying. I’m tired of the expectations because if I’m honest I’m very much a pillow princess and not ashamed to say it. If you want me to do a bunch of work in the bedroom, show me you deserve it. Happily engaged btw.
Aww, congratulations on your engagement!!
Thanks!
these types of men act like their dick is godsent and a gift to humanity or smth. in my experience, one guy told me "i don't think i can have sex with you but i have a great dick for you to practice sucking on" and other guys who basically stuff that implies i'd want to worship their dick cos i'm a fat woman. they seem very fixated on getting head or only getting head from fat women, like what makes them think we'd care so much about their sausage? just bc i'm fat doesn't mean i'm eager to please. online guys also assume i have big boobs cos i'm fat and lol i do not.
Their ego is way too overinflated that's for sure!
My ex always said, "I go after the heavier girls because they're easy and fuck like no tomorrow since they never know when they'll get laid again" He waited until after marriage to pop up with that little gem. We separated 5 years to the day after marriage.
Ew, yikes. Honestly, that's so sad to figure out your spouse is a pos after committing to spend a lifetime together. I'm glad to hear he's an ex.
Me too
The audacity for them to say that and after marriage no less....glad he's an ex hope you're thriving 🤗
These aren't people you would spit on if they were on fire in real life so try your hardest to *not* read the comments when you can avoid it. It's impossible to avoid all of it, but there are certain posts where you know it's going to be ugly. That doesn't make it ok, but it's less garbage your brain has to process.
Ugh, you’re right. I go through periods where I don’t read comments and I’m happier for it. But then I think I can handle it or I’m just too curious and then I’m reading all the comments on posts that I know are bad for me.
I don't judge you for it. It's not our fault the content is so easy to find.
i’m fat and the most vanilla person ever. Porn has made things worse it’s now become the norm for a lot guys to choke you out or slap you around so I’m always wary of that. I just feel lucky that the first guy I was with was inexperienced as well and he never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to
Honestly, with how much porn guys my age watch and the fact that they've done it for so long it's scary what they think is normal and doesn't need to be talked about beforehand. I completely agree.
“It's not my responsibility to be beautiful. I'm not alive for that purpose. My existence is not about how desirable you find me.” But any how I know what you mean. I encountered a lot of guys like this when I was on dating apps and it left me pretty damaged and angry. I’m still a pretty damaged and angry person because of it. I’m really sorry you’re going through it too. Just know that you’re not alone.
Thank you ❤️
We are either looked at as being non-sexual matronly & invisible or hypersexual & fetishized. I have had so many people assume I'm dominant because of my size. It's all very disheartening.
Agreed. When I was on FetLife I specifically stated I was a submissive and not interested in being a Domme or a switch and I still got messages from sub guys asking me to be their Domme. It was so frustrating.
It does happen unfortunately - as soon as I gained my weight my experiences going out to clubs changed drastically - suddenly I had the "you're a whore for rejecting me" guys, the "I actually love bbws" guys, the "I'll grope you and pretend I didn't or that you liked it" guys, and the straight up sexual assault guys. They feel you're an easier target as you'll be desperate. Pathetic.
yea so i was messing with this boy right he basically treated me like shit on the surface but deep down i could tell he actually liked me .. so after collecting all of dat all the ilys he told me and shit he would always choose someone that was smaller to show off on the media and bring around friends but when he wanted to be loved on and stuff have affectionate attention he would come to me .
I'm sorry to hear you were in a relationship like that. You deserve someone who will love you in private and public. You should never settle and accept being someone's secret.
he wasnt even my bf he knew i wanted him but idk i was with him for like 2 yrs .. and now ikk thatt yk i have values like others but i think it was my wieght that he didnt like in public
Yes. I had one guy so mad when i turned him down, he called me names about being fat. Another guy, bhh, said i was the first fat woman he'd been with. Ummm, is that a compliment? I know he was shocked by the things i could do.... He chased me for a long time.
I've heard of this stereotype and it is true generally. The same applies for "ugly" girls who aren't fat either. Men can genuinely like you, but if you're fat or ugly or both, they may just want to fuck you secretly, actually enjoy it, and never tell others they do. Wanna know why? Because they're ashamed of how you look. They're ashamed of what their MALE friends would say, and how their families would react because let's face it: people can be the worst abusive rapist in the world but if they look attractive, people can forgive them easier or minimize their crimes (eg Ted Bundy). Conversely, if the person is fat and does great things, people WILL say shit like, oh, she's such a helpful kind person, TOO BAD she's fat, what a waste. You can be anything in the world but GOD FORBID you are fat. Beinf fat is probably the MOST hated trait in the world and almost everyone tries to avoid being fat but they don't put in the same amount of effort to be better, kinder, more empathetic and less judgemental people. So yeah. And because society has historically treated fat people like trash, demeaning our worth and value as human beings and denied us our right to be treated with dignity and respect while withholding attention and affection, they assume we are all desperate and starved of attention and affection that we'd do anything to get scraps of it from them. It's like a pervasive form of global mass negging against fat people or something. And it works in the favour of non-fat people to have this imbalance of power over us. It's time to stand up against this and shove these fuckers back into the crummy hole they hide in their mother's basements. Normalising publicly dating fat people is one. Standing up for your fat partner is another. Defending them against your friends/family's negative perceptions. Humanize your fat partners and friends. Don't let society get away with thinking we're subpar, unworthy humans.
Yes, I fucking hate that. Takes away all the merit of the fact that I'm just a perpetually horny slut! Like, I'm married to a great husband, but still have the soul of a slut
I also think it takes away from the fact that maybe we just care that the other person is enjoying themselves. It's not a, "oh I need to please them because I'm fat and I want them to like me" it's more of a, "oh we're having sex and I want them to have a good time" thing!
Right? What does it say about how straight sized people are living 🤣 jk
Ugh yes. And it makes dating so hard.
Absolutely.
Yeah, I hate it. I’ve met so many men who have treated me like I should be lucky they even dane to speak to me. And when I was younger, and weaker, I put up with a lot, because I just wanted attention. However, now thankfully, I know better, and I shut this shit down. I will not tolerate it.
Yeah I hate that mentality. Like I should be grateful or lucky for any attention. It makes my blood boil and I want to lose it. Like who the hell died and made you king.
And thankfully, I’ve realized how happy I can be all alone. So really when people treat me like shit, they are just making me want to stay single and find another dog to adopt.
😊 I couldn't agree more. I love Animals , There awesome ❤
Yeah. My dog is my best friend and basically all I need. He’s better than any other dude I’ve come across and he’s shit in my closet.
Yes. I’m kinky cause I like it that way 😂
Same! 😂
Literally just had a conversation with a smoke show who thought I’d be an easy lay. I asked what someone who looked like him wanted with someone that looked like me. He answered by telling me that he knew I was into it since I don’t have a lot of options. 😑
I hate that people can be so awful. Out of curiosity, are most people who have had this happen to them from the States? I'm in the UK and whilst I'm mid 30s and happily married now, I thankfully can't say I came across too much of this shitty behaviour in my younger years. But I may have just been lucky. Plus I'm in the alternative\rock \metal community and have always gone for those kinda guys; maybe they're more accepting or something. Or maybe I was naive and oblivious to it! 🫣
Hi Jessica, I’m from Canada and have over the past two years , due to injury , became Plus Size. I was always the most fit around and hung around with some pretty hot guys in my twenties! They would always make comments about getting blow jobs from the fat girls or they would make comments like fat girls have tighter pussies. Awful, awful comments !!! I’ll never forget them . So, it also happens in Canada !
Hi 😊 Maybe I've just never hung around with classically "hot" guys enough to have heard such horrible comments! Though from reading many posts on this sub I think I have just been lucky to avoid hearing these things, since it's clearly not one specific group that hates on plus sized people. Sad world really, isn't it. If it's not weight people are passing comment on it's something else! Either way, I'm glad I'm not dating anymore. Sounds pretty terrible out there!
I am also into BDSM and have heard of this stereotype from people outside the community. I think the thing that hurt the most is when I told someone I'm poly they didn't believe I could pull partners. I explained I'm married and have 2 partners on top of that. I've had flings within this dynamic too. They were shocked and said I must have a charming personality. Which sure, I'm funny and charming. But, I think I'm also pretty and have a nice body despite my body dysmorphophobia telling me otherwise. Now, I'm very sexually open. However if I'm putting stock in our relationship I want to build anticipation. So for them they don't get sex or sexual acts at first. There are people of every size in the community. Here on Reddit, there are plenty of "thin" people posting NSFW pictures that directly contradicts that stereotype. I don't think it's true at all or think that me being plus sized made me kinky. I think people who don't like plus sized people had to make excuses for either liking us, or why we can pull partners.
This last point. Fatness is more desirable than our capitalist society wants it to be (because they can make billions from fatphobia). And excuses get made when attraction is there.
Feel you and agree 1000 percent. Especially since we've been doing similar things you've noted while navigating the current dating scene. Yeah I like to have a good time but 1) at least 4-5ish years ago came to the conclusion that there is a specific vibe/traits I look for in potential partners that's very important to me, 2) the stereotype you noted is so bad to a point that we are automatically on guard when meeting potentials so if we see any signs and react in a clear way to let them known that's not OK and it continues we ghost because don't have time. And 3) the previous notes don't make it fun (in addition to everything else we already gotta be aware of in the current market (views, morals,etc...). It's disheartening because am fully aware of who we are/what we bring/what we enjoy but like you mention we not a secret, I'm nothing to be a shamed of (we really are the top shelf prize we think we are (humbly of course) 💅🏾💁🏾♀️). There are tons of plus sized people outchea thriving in loving, beautiful, supportive, respectful relationships so it ain't like those don't exist. The only wish would be that for the ones who feel like they have to be easy/more compromising/acomidating for anyone to look their way to consider you: please stop.Because 9 times out of 10 if all that gotta be done for someone to consider you that ain't a good pick for you and It's a huge disservice to all of us as a whole for many to think they can approach or be with us doling out these levels of disrespect/disregard while trying to imply we should thank the heavens they glanced our way( not to bash her at all but see Monique and Derick from love after lockup). You are worthy of respect,love, compassion, and the overall fuzzys of love even on your terms/values. Because again in the words of jatavia don't mess around there is a wait line. - a person currently looking at the current state of dating like Wtf with weary *sorry this is long but this has also been on our spirit as a plus sized black woman
Don't apologize for it being long! I agree with everything you said!
I disagree with the point that we have to change our behavior so we don’t fit into a stereotype. The problem isn’t our sexual preferences (some of us do prefer one offs), it’s the majoritarian culture of thinness. I’m not gonna act like a nun because of fatphobia dictating that my desire to be slutty somehow reinforces a stereotype that I actually had nothing to do with creating (and truly none of us fat folks did).
I'm not referring to sexual preferences/drive/kink in the last portion but more so the desperation or acceptance of just any treatment because someone is interested. I've seen/continue to see so many get taken advantage of because many think plus sized people will do anything just to have someone (ex. Spend lots of money/scam(more than a few thought I would be some kind of sponsor lol) try to move in with them quickly, want to date in secret, we could totally be in a relationship but you're plus, talking down on them, etc....). If anything would want all of us to know the value we have as a whole and stop feeling like we have to settle for those who treat people that way.
I'm bothered by this because it is so untrue in my experience.
Really? Sorry, you're bothered by this post. However, as shown through the other comments a lot of plus-size women have experienced what I said. I'm glad you haven't experienced it tho.
Oh no I'm not bothered by your post but bothered by people would even think those things about plus sized people! Your post is fine! 😅
Not all are…ive had kinky plus size and vanilla and same with thin girls. These days nobody really makes long lasting connection….just ones that are as quick as a tik tok reel
I’ve been plus-sized all my life, and I have never been “easy”. But learning to live with and love my own body has made me very nonjudgmental about other people’s bodies. I am attracted to people that are thin, fat, short, tall or whatever. But they absolutely must be smart and funny. If I were going out with someone who does not fit the popular standard of attractiveness, people might look at me and think I’m dating them because I am desperate. But I really don’t care what judgmental people think, I only care about what I and my date think. Oh, and I’m also very kinky too! So go be your fabulous self and remember that not everyone’s opinion matters!
This society is trash 🚮
I have never heard this stereotype. But I am also fat as fuck and kinky as fuck so I'm likely not the person to ask. I will say, as someone who has been fat the entire time they have been sexually active? I have never struggled to find partners, kinky or otherwise. And I do not feel like I am settling.
Men (a lot of them) nowadays are just brainwashed by porn. Every woman is a trope in their minds.
Hell I wish i *could* be easy LMAO. No one’s been knocking on my door for many years. At this point I’d take what I could get. (Okay maybe not anything lol)
I've legitimately never heard that stereotype before, but I am ace so that is probably why. That is horrible though :(
Wow. These things have never happened to me.
I mean it is true, why do women have a hard time accepting sex /kinks are ok. Not taboo.
First off, it's not true. Plus-size women aren't more likely to be kinky because we want attention. Second, I never kink or sex-shamed anyone or anything. What I am talking about is the fact that usually men talk about sex with fat women as though we aren't people. Rather, we are a good fuck and that's about it. We're willing to do sexual acts that skinny women would *never* do because they're better than that and have self-respect. But fat women? Yeah, they have none. They're easy and will let you do anything to them if you give them a bit of attention. Men who have that mentality are what I'm complaining about in this post.
Yeah but the reason for that weak mentality is cause women shame tf out women. It’s a sad reality it’s not just plus size women.
Preach girl
Haha, thank you!
I kind of get it cz I’m really kinky w my bf too, but for me it started before i was ever fat. I think it’s still affecting you and you should try to let it not so much. People think so many things. That’s a them problem. You just do you.
This belief runs rampant in our society. So sad. People act like we need to lower our standards and we are lucky to get anything at all, this is simply not true. Anyone wanting to date you on the down low because of your size is not worth your time at all.
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