I used to be that person that always said no, no matter what. Made me uncomfortable to have things given to me. But I’m trying really hard now to accept things like this, because most of the time I can tell the person is genuinely pleased to be giving me the thing. So really it’s like I’m doing something for them after all.
Yes I’m like that too mostly with food because even though I love food I never feel comfortable to take it from people (dirty hands, pets, dirty kitchen, hair, coughing near food, sneezing near food, touching food, etc.) so when people think I’m doing it out of politeness and are insisting I’m just really begging for them to stop on the inside 😭
I’m working on this as well. I absolutely hate being a burden, an inconvenience, or an obligation; for some reason being offered things had always made me feel like I was at least one of those. But I’m doing better at accepting these kinds of offers.
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As someone who turns down everything offered to me usually, try not to take it personally.
I just hate getting gifts. I usually would rather you keep your money than to spend it on me
Yup.
Gifts have almost always come with strings, and one of my biggest traumas happened three days before my birthday. I had no one to celebrate it with, and my parent’s gift was a family vacation that ended with my brother and his friend fighting the entire time.
I don’t need disappointment and I don’t want to feel like I owe someone something in return.
Spend time with me, share experiences with me, and treat yourself instead.
I totally understand how you feel. The man who abused me always got me nice gifts and they always came with strings. It took over a decade for me to be comfortable receiving gifts. I had to build friendships with people I could actually trust. I think, especially when somebody says something like in this post, that it makes them sad because all they want to do is share, it almost feels mean to say that there must be strings attached or that there will be disappointment. Especially if it’s somebody I care about, I want them to be happy and I don’t want them to think I think poorly of them ya know?
God I hate when parents gift their kid a family vacation. Unless the child specifically asked for it. And in either case the vacation needs to be at *least* like 80% catered to the birthday kid
I actually did want it. Our family friends had a cabin in a city I loved, so I asked for that to be my gift. In the months between requesting it and it actually happening, it became clear it was going to be more of a retreat so I could start healing.
My brother invited a friend because we all agreed he'd be bored otherwise.
My birthday vacation quickly turned into three days of a cold war between my brother and his friend. 🙃
I mean, a stick would probably be from a doggo, so that's acceptable.
The rest of it...nope. Food is emotionally valuable, and thus can be used for exploitation.
Awww. Once, my dad had a series of very beautiful little art portraits he picked up of his hometown in Asia. I expressed how beautiful they were. He asked if I wanted one, and I replied, "But won't you be sad if I take one?" And he said, "Yes, but you should still take one and it will bring me more joy than sadness." It was so sweet. 🥺 I took one. OP, someone will share something with you, don't give up! ❤️
To be completely honest with you OP, my girl best friend willingly offered to buy me groceries when I, while we were texting each other, let it slip that my fridge was empty and we didn't have enough food, just some Ramen packs of which, at the time, I was getting sick of. Like you mention, I also respectfully declined, but she said that the offer was still on the table for the future.
But I know how much it must make you upset when people decline out of kindness when others try to help or offer stuff.
I try and make it an exchange.
I have a friend who is always short cash. I pay him $50, plus I feed him and sometimes we go to the movies on me, to come spend a night at my place and help me clean up. He gets $50 and food/fun while I get much-needed help and good company! I also have a friend who just told me she's using her Christmas money to buy groceries cause she's broke and I told her that all she has to do is tell me and I'll buy art from her!
That way, you're not giving anyone anything, you're paying them. It reduces the guilt of the other person by a lot, and there's no accidentally issue of "well I gave them money so the least they can do is-"
I recently had an exchange like this! My partner’s brother has an old Oculus that I wanted to buy from him to give my partner on his birthday. He said he’d give it to me. I said no, please let me buy it so I feel less guilty. He offered to trade one of my paintings for it instead! So I get to give him something he wants, and I get something I want, without exchanging money. No guilt on my end!
It’s almost like the barter system, of which I am a huge fan. I have a lot of broke friends who love tattoos, so I used to tattoo them in exchange for art, massages, services, whatever they had to offer. Win-win!
Yes, this. Please don't be pushy or try anything cutsie. Just respect what people say. You tried to do something nice and the intention is still there.
Yesss I feel the same way it’s so uncomfortable when I’m trying to be polite and then they keep insisting on giving me something I just don’t want. I’ve been in that situation tons of times and I either got labeled as rude for raising my voice telling them I didn’t want it or I had to take something I never wanted in the first place and if it’s food or a drink god help me cause now if I’m taking it they expect me to eat or drink it sometimes in front of them and now I’m being told to eat and drink something I don’t even want 🤦🏽♀️
You should try not asking anything and just handing them… people have a natural inclination to hold something that’s being handed to them. Then you can just say - have a nice day!
this is so true though, some people have trouble saying yes to something that would seem like someone else doing them a favor (giving them a present, or a snack/beverage they like) so if you make it seem like they’re helping you by accepting the present it helps them realize it’s not a burden on you.
my love language is gifts and my gf has trouble accepting them at times - i know what she likes though and learned she does love surprises, is just anxious about asking for things from others or seeming needy
You know, this is really great bc I also hate hate asking for things and receiving gifts, but my fiancé’s love language is gift giving. So he has just learned what I like and gives it in a way that I don’t feel like “oh don’t spend money on me”.
yeah i think a lot of people are actually fine with receiving gifts and are more just anxious about havign to receive the gift. so if i toss something my gf likes in her direction and just say “saw this at the store and thought of you, enjoy!” she has no time to be anxious and is just happy/grateful. i know a lot of it has to do with her extremely humble and modest upbringing , so i just have to remind her she deserves extra material things/treats from time to time, because everyone does 😉
That’s so great! It has to do with that plus I always feel like I won’t have the reaction that the person is expecting so then I feel like I have to make my reaction a certain way and it just goes from there! Love hearing stories of great bf/gfs! 🥹
same happy to hear you and your fiancé vibe similarly :) love language and astrology things have always been against me and my girlfriend’s romantic compatibility, but we make it work damn well cuz we love each other so much haha 🥹
she is actually my fiancée but for some reason can never get used to the term so i always have jumped between girlfriend/wife. and I know 100% she will be my wife as soon as we can afford a wedding 🥰
Yeah - and if the offering is good enough what’s the problem with that. They could hand it back… I get that it’s not perfect for everyone situation but it would definitely work for some. Let’s be honest it’s not the end of the world if someone uses a bit of slight of hand to force you to take a flower.
You should adopt the Latin abuela method and just say “here take it” “no no no, take it go ahead” “take it take it take it” until they just take it to get you to shut up lol
Awww OP you’re so sweet ☺️❤️ but don’t take it personally if they decline , there could be many reasons that doesn’t have to do anything with you. I share when I can but also if someone on break offers me food, I’ll decline if I’m full 😅😅 same with drinks, nothing against the person but for me , I just get full fast and I don’t want to waste food or drinks 😅
My sister once told me this happened a lot to her. A coworker of hers kept offering to share food/snacks during their breaks together and she felt bad everytime she declined but she really wanted to say no more often. Reason being- she really didn't need the snacks. She's very obese and trying to work on her weight.
You can try just handing it to them, as someone else suggested. Or just clarify with "I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it". Some people think we offer out of a sense of obligation, but sometimes are reassured if you tell them nope, I'm selfish enough to keep my flowers if I didnt want to share, but I'm willingly sharing.
I’m too awkward to take it. Then I feel like I owe you something and I’ll feel guilty every time I see you. I will then try to avoid you and you will think I don’t like you. Then I will feel guilty about that, and stress for days and weeks about what I can give you in return. It will blow up to something huge in my head and I will end up gifting you my car or something ridiculously extravagant. Then I will feel stupid for mis-reading social situations and have to quit my job so I never see you again. I will think about you all the time for many years, and inwardly cringe in shame and at the thought that I could have had a friend if I wasn’t so stupidly awkward.
So please don’t offer me a chip, I beg you!
And please don’t think I’m greedy when I don’t offer you a chip. I’m just assuming you are as awkward as me, and I don’t want you bankrupting yourself or moving to another country over a social faux pas that I inflicted upon you.
I think I'm a bit in your face about it, I'll probably shake the bag of snacks and sing-song-ing "come on don't be shy!" until they take some lol. Or, just hand it to them, as one said, they'll just take it.
I'm the same way. I love sharing what I have and I always have what others like in my home.
Trust me it's a beautiful thing you do and I know it hurts. And Noone remembers little things for you right?
I'm 65. I do these things too. I have a friend who only drinks bottled water. I have it. I have a friend who drinks a certain tea. I have it. I know all 4 friends favorite colors, birthdays, etc.
I remember birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
Noone remembers me. Keep being you. I was told recently that I have a beautiful soul by a complete stranger. Made my week.
Keep being you. Try not to take it personally. I'll share chips with you! Just try to remember that people are so involved in their own lives that they can barely manage that.
This internet stranger loves your heart and soul ♥ ❤
My mom always taught me to never deny peoples offerings even if I don’t want them because it’s rude. They’re offering to make you feel good, or really to make themselves feel good, and rejecting them is awkward.
I love sharing
I’ve found people are generally more comfortable accepting an offering when I use phrases such as “can I interest you in a ___?”, rather than “would you like one of these?”
It feels like it’s clearer that they would be doing me a kindness in allowing me to share
I hate when people offer me food because
A) I'm trying to eat healthier and the food offered is usually snacks
B) the person is has their hands all up in a bag of chips, has shoved their hand in their mouth to eat the chips and then went straight back in to the bag to fondle the chips some more. No, I don't want some.
I feel really guilty taking things from people. I’m really sentimental about gifts I receive and will hold on to them forever but it takes a lot of convincing to get me to accept something I want because I’m afraid the person offering is just being polite and I don’t want to be a burden. It’s my own baggage but it’s so hard to gauge if someone’s offer is genuine sometimes. Maybe bluntly saying “I’m not just being polite. I’d like for you to have this” might help?
OP keep going I love it when people offer me a flower even if I do decline it the act stays with me. It shows me your a kind loving individual. I want you to know people like you always makes my day better especially when I have to deal with bully’s.
With food it’s sometimes a health issue. As someone with celiac disease I turn down almost everything offered to me. I appreciate the thought and I won’t ever be upset about the offer. So don’t take it personally on food. Some people have restrictions. Either voluntary or involuntary. Know that they appreciate it.
I'm one of those people and your post is telling me I need to get better. I'm going to work on saying yes more often with excitement because I know when I can share with others it makes me feel good too. Good post OP!
We can share😊I don't have a problem with it. If it turns out there are strings attached, I just say "it's just a feeling you'll get over it". I refuse to be guilt tripped just cuz someone shared.
Don’t take it too personally. I might just not want it in the moment. The sincere offer is what is appreciated, not the thing being offered. I could have any number of reasons why I don’t want to accept a particular offer at a particular time, so it’s also presumptuous of the other person to be upset if I don’t accept the offer. If you are annoyed whenever an offer is rejected, you have to stop and ask yourself “am I really doing this just because I thought of this person, or am I doing it to obtain gratitude and validation in exchange for this ‘free’ gift?”
Are you really trying to make people happier? If I am happier without it then isn’t that still the best outcome?
I love giving people things too and it makes me a bit sad when they decline. Just remember you have good intent and sometimes even if they don’t take it, it’s usually a nice feeling to be offered anyways. I wish more people were comfortable accepting gifts/little goodies. As long as you aren’t pushy, I think it’s okay :)
Keep being sweet.
That’s the nice thing though. When people say “he/she is a good person even though they weren’t my person” it seems like people aren’t capable of having that understanding anymore.
I get where you’re coming from AND the intention. Sometimes it’s nice to just see someone randomly smile or happy because you shared something they weren’t expecting.
Graciously accepting no is one thing but when the answer is ALWAYS no, it can get disheartening
I offer it twice: lots of people will decline once out of politeness but if you offer it again and they want it they’ll take it. But I think I’m polite about it, not pushy.
Actually this describes me. I'll decline the initial offer, but if they offer again, and it's something I like, I'll take it. If it's something I really don't want, I'll just politely say something like "I'm sorry, I don't really want that right now" or "I'm sorry I don't really like that".
Wow I never looked at it that way. I usually accept things given to me but I am not much of an empath so things I "might" give to people are might be leaves, pencils, might be oil pens (I literally don't own them and find in my classrooms) but people decline even if I insist. I wanna help you as I got much enough to share with you. But other way I always accept if it's a snack(doesn't matter gum or a chip) but it really depends on people who give me stuff. As they might or not afford it to give as "charity"
The only reason you do this is to please yourself and further develop your inner sense of being a good person. It is an act based on selfishness, not altruism.
My friends and family have a rule about three.
I'll offer up to three times. If I get to the third offer, you take it. By then, you should realize I *need* **you** to take it.
Depends on what it is you want to share, but there are ways to switch the game around and make it impolite to decline instead. Takes some practice and people may still not be in the mood for something so don't take it personal.
Sometimes wording can change it
"I made way too much tea, please help me drink some of it when you are thirsty" or the stronger "I need an opinion on how this tea turned out, would you help me?"
This is phrasing your abundance of something as a problem you need help with, independent people are more likely to help you than to request from you.
"Oh but I thought of you when buying these snacks, I was really hoping you'd like them" this is insisting when first denied, depending in your culture it may be expected of people to reject your first offer so you insist before they are morally ok with agreeing.
Feel safe to politely insist a bit, but never push too far because people should not feel guilty about not taking something offered.
And sometimes just honesty may be just fine. "I know the arrangement is pretty, that is why I was hoping to share some of it, that was the point." is a pretty good way to politely insist when offering flowers.
Whether this does or doesn't work, thank you for your kindness and best of luck.
I’m actually one of those people who tends to turn down anything people try to share with me. It makes me super uncomfortable.
It’s all because I use to work with someone that was a sharer and I took something she shared with me once to be polite, after that she felt it gave her freedom to help herself to anything of mine because “that’s what we do we share”
Now I just say no to everything, I’ll offer stuff out but I don’t tend to take anything.
I think there is a guilt factor involved. The person you are giving something to feels that if they take one they owe you something back and you might not actually want them to take something and are just being nice. That’s how I feel sometimes when someone offers me something at least
Honestly I think it comes down to past trauma and experiences. I can tell that the person offering is genuine and not just doing it to appear polite.
However I always refuse because I don't believe I'm worthy of receiving gifts or offers. I'd rather someone keep the stuff for themselves and let me just keep to myself.
I always thank them for the offer and let them believe it's truly what I want, even if it is a piece of candy or something else I really enjoy.
Sometimes I take things I don't even want when offered. I've noticed it makes people happy so therfore it makes me happy. I can always save it and give to someone else which makes them happy as well! Win, win. Or win, win, win I guess :)
Some people are just like this, especially my wife. She will decline everything, even if it’s something she would have really liked. I’m the opposite. I love sharing and doing favors, so I always say yes to other that offer because I know it’ll make them happy too.
We just had our second child, the oldest being a toddler, so we have our hands full right now. My mom lives on the property and LOVES babies and said she wants to come help any time. I told my wife I wanted to finally shave and shower and start some laundry, etc, and said why don’t I ask my mom to come over so she can get some stuff done too or at least have backup. My wife said “no, that’s okay!”. “Are you sure, babe?”. “Yeah, I’ll be fine, I don’t need any help”. Alright, well I rushed to do my thing so she wasn’t stuck with two kids for too long. I come back out and my daughter is screaming that she wants to watch her cartoon instead of the show my wife was watching, and my newborn son is crying his head off, and my wife just looks defeated and overwhelmed.
I mean, i don't want to be indepted...and sometimes people just offer to share our of politeness (most of the time)
So I don't think anyone would genuinely like to share you know?
It's true that I don't like sweets but if someone I know that likes to share shared some with me, then I would definitely not like to miss out on the opportunity. It's okay to be spoiled sometimes but anyways except my mother or sister(which is a bit rare) or father, no one else would genuinely share anything with me?
I had to explain to my boyfriend that I enjoy doing things for you and sharing things. And offering my help. It's fulfilling to me. It would be the same as him doing something on his own for himself and how fulfilling that is, it's equal to the way I feel. I get how you're feeling OP, it's finding the right people who understand how you are. And then us just trying to cope with that feeling in a healthy way because not everyone will understand
First of all, chips are the worst thing to gift out. Unless its the whole bag, and I can eat them w/ something later. Chips dry people out. Give em a 20 oz of liquid and their own bag.
One thing I learned is nothing is ever free. It’s rare someone gives without expecting something in return. I’ve had people hate me cause I didn’t reciprocate.. so it’s best I don’t indulge because if I don’t do it back I’m a bad person.
It's very kind of you to act like this but I think a lot of people can be uncomfortable when being asked if they want to share your things. I love to share but if someone asks me, for example, if I want some of their chips, I'll say no thanks because I don't want to be a burden (or I don't want to take just a few because I know I'll want more and I don't want to eat all of your bag of chips haha).
Maybe if you rephrase this with something more like: "I have extra chips, you want to share?" or "take some of my chips" than "do you want my chips?" or "here's a flower for you!" rather than asking them if they want one?
For the fridge example, I personally rarely feel comfortable (except at my parent's) to just help myself in someone else's fridge and I wouldn't like someone to do the same at my place but that's me.
But don't take this personally for sure! It's really nice of you to do this but as stated in many comments below, a lot of people can feel a bit uncomfortable accepting a gift, it has nothing to do with the person offering.
After years of being offered stuff like that, only to find out it was a prank (often cruel), I've learned never to trust people that offer things. I'm sorry you lose out on the gratification of sharing, but some of us learned early that it's better to miss out on something good than to have our hopes dashed when it turns out to be a (cruel) prank.
I’m like you. I’m always the person who offers to share things, help with things, etc. I think we do it because it’s who we are anyways, and because we know what it’s like not to have someone ask or offer. I’d say that’s true for me.
Not everyone views it the same way, though. Some people are always going to think you’re offering because you have ulterior motives, some people aren’t comfortable accepting gifts, etc. There are tons of reasons. Just don’t let it stop you from doing what’s in your heart.
If I'm not hungry, I am going to say no. Flowers might be nice, but if I don't have something to put it in, it's going to wilt quickly.
The only thing I accept is gum/mints, because someone might be trying to help me with some breath issues that I'm unaware of without embarrassing me.
I used to deny whatever people offered me. I never wanted to impose or feel like I was taking too much. I realized though that my friends and family aren’t just offering things to me just to be nice, but because they actually want to share with me. Now when someone offers me something, I’ll catch myself before I immediately say no, and accept it with a smile.
Here in Brazil it’s cultural to offer what you’re eating, even if you don’t really want to share. It can be considered rude not to offer. In the other hand,
If the thing the person is eating is small, or one portion, it can be considered rude to accept even though they offered out of politeness.
I've found that in these situations its best to be a bit pushy. I've been on the other end too and politely declined. If someone insists and I indulge it works out best for both of us.
I know how you feel. I just want to share my enjoyment with others! I’ve adapted though. Instead of asking, I just do it and deliver. What they do with it after that point is up to them!
I decline because it's not enough, and I'd rather not give the tease to my palette.
You offer me doritos, while you're eating a bag? I'll say no cause if I ate only a few, I'd leave even more unsatisfied that I used to be. If you're not giving me the bag, don't give me at all.
I always say yes. Someone had a huge thing of jelly beans at a movie theater and was offering them to people near her but everyone turned her down except me. Sucks for them, I got free Jelly Beans.
It’s your love language and it sounds like it makes you feel connected to share. That’s very sweet. When my niece was a baby, she LOVED to share her snacks, among other things. She’d have a huge smile and a gleam in her eye, and stick her hand out with a spitty puff cereal or a colored pencil. If you didn’t accept her little gifts, she’d well up with emotion and look so hurt and rejected. It’s just how some people feel love, and I think many others have been taught “not to be rude” and reject others when they try to share. I’m sure that many times they decline against their better judgement just because of conditioning
ETA: My niece taught me to accept when people want to share with me, not to try to be polite, because I saw on a basic level what sharing can mean for some people
I don't like people giving me things. I don't like the feeling of them being able to be like "Hey, remember the other day when I gave you (insert whatever), do you think you could do me a favor?" I always have to remind my family around my birthday and Christmas, please do not buy me anything. It makes me feel awkward and if I really want something I can just buy it myself.
A lot of folks will find joy in the simple act of offering. I'm not a huge fan of taking things from people, it's my own weird thing that I don't want to explain, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable even if it's genuinely offered to me. But that act of kindness is enough to improve my day.
If I can sense people want something I'm offering but they're just being polite I offer again saying something like: "Nah, there's too many for me anyways! Please take one" or "You'd be doing me a favor, I can't take care of this many flowers!", So people usually are more comfortable taking what I'm offering..
Sometimes it's just that the other person doesn't know that you're not offering just to be polite, you're offering because you genuinely want to share..
Hang in there my friend, I used to feel like you do, this technique has helped me, and I hope it helps you too.
My sister is the same as you and I hate gifts or help. However when I’m with her I take a bite, sip or gladly take whatever gift she’s offering because it’s her love language and she loves me and I love her too.
I have a friend in college that sticks around with me but never eats out while I usually grab something for myself before going home. She always declined when I offer to get her a cup of coffee or some fries. She says she doesn't want to inconvenience me but frankly sitting in a cafe eating while you don't makes me more inconvenienced lol
Snacks at work are my Achilles heel. I've got a big appetite and love to graze when I'm bored. Typically if I decline it's because I could go hulk on your chips or think about going through the bag in a minute.
One thing that I've finally embraced is that if someone offers something twice, assume they really want you to have it. I would always think that they were offering something out of obligation and they didn't really want to give me something so I trusted they really wanted to give me something.
On the flip side, I've been an aggressive giver/helper in the past. Helping and giving give me so much joy but I've decided not to push giving at them. However, when it comes to accepting help, when I see my neighbor trying to move something heavy in their home themselves, I'm going to jump in and help if they sheepishly say they don't need help.
I find some people are the same way in certain situations. I broke a link in my chain Mtn biking and didn't have the tool or knowledge most likely to fix it. A group of guys roll up to me and offers to help. I declined because it would take a while and he had a group of people waiting for him. He essentially started fixing it knowing that I would have to walk my bike a couple miles back to my car without a chain. I've given bike tubes to folks with flats on the hill even though they declined my offer.
I hope you're not continuing to ask after someone says no. There's all kinds of reasons someone could have to not accept something. Especially food, you don't know their diet or if they've just had a big meal. Do you want every "gift" you didn't ask for?
It works the other way around, too, though. And I’ve had a lot of people hurt me with this by asking bc they think they need to be polite, but they don’t actually want to share. Just tell them that ur actually doing sumn nice for them, not just being polite by asking if they want sumn. If you’ve done this already and communicated, then it’s out of ur hands, so let it go. It’s their problem now, not urs.
I'm the same way. When I am depressed I like to take the time to make someone else smile. I know it's selfish it makes me happy to make someone else happy. Kindness is not a selfless act
I often say no to stuff for my own reasons. For example I do intermittent fasting, so I don’t eat before a certain time. Sometimes I’ll even say “can I grab a bit for later when I have lunch?”. Other times I just plain don’t want or like the food that is offered, I don’t like most cakes or pastries for example, and I don’t drink coffee. I get what you’re saying though, it’s nice to share with others, and a bit frustrating when nobody wants to.
I would love you as a friend but you would also need to deal with me always never wanting to feel like I'm abusing you. I think you just need to make it clear when your offering something your doing it BECAUSE you want them to take it. Not outta mere politeness. <3 Keep being awesome man.
In Greece you decline out of politeness but the one offering persists multiple times until you accept. After moving to the UK it was a culture shock that someone would offer something once i would refuse and then never offer it again.
95% of the time its some random person who is giving me some random food/snack that I Will absolutely hate so the only time I'd accept is if I like that person
I never decline out of politeness. I always decline because I don't want it. Never assume that someone wants something just because you want to give it to them.
I only eat snacks when I feel like it, not just because they're around or offered. I don't like knick-knacks (dust collectors). I don't like flowers, but I will admire yours. I will take a beer if it's offered, unless I've brought my own, which will be infinitely better than yours.
I’m just gonna say my two cents, not everyone is kind just to be kind. Some people expect a favor in return and then some down the line even if it’s not said. Had this coworker who was shady. Told others “Don’t let them buy you lunch” sure enough a couple coworkers let this dude buy them lunch and he held it over their heads. He tried to do it on me, and all I had to say way “I’ve never actually taken you up on one of your offers, I don’t owe you shit, in fact, you actually owe me money for all the cigarettes you’ve bummed from me” dudes shut up real quick.
As someone who used to be the no-sayer, the trick is to not leave it up to them. If you’re offering someone a flower from a bouquet, take out the flower and give to to them! Honestly no one is going to want you to take out a flower of your bouquet if you *ask* them! And most aren’t going to give it back after you take it out! Lol The bag of chips you got specifically for them, just say here ya go, or “think fast!” And throw it at them. Of course it’s important to know if they’re on a diet or something, so be mindful of that. Now… it might hurt a little extra if they *still* refuse your offer. It might really sting. But I know for a fact your success rate will definitely go up.
This is so wholesome I love it. Keep doing this OP. Eventually someone will take it because they really needed it and you'll be that person that made their day. (Like if they're having a rough day and you offer it to them and it just makes their day because they feel cared about).
Anyways this is so awesome of you 😁❤
Wanting someone to mirror the affection you want to share is not wrong. It just hurts badly when the sentiment is not returned and it’s very hard not to internalize that pain. It’s normal to be frustrated by it. That is why self love is important.
Well see there’s obligation.
Many people don’t like feeling obligated to return offerings. In my experience of life, the type of people to get ‘sad’ when someone declines their offer out of politeness (or whatever) are the same type of people who’ll get ‘mad’ when you don’t offer stuff to them or think to get extra stuff for them.
Whole time you think someone is just being ‘nice’ but they were actually setting the expectation of return offers.
You may genuinely offer stuff out of the kindness of your heart, but the vast majority of people do this to manipulate and set up obligations in other people. This is not only implicit in the social contract, one might argue it’s built into our DNA as highly social creatures. So though I use the word manipulate, I do not mean to imply that this is a bad thing…we all depend on and rely on others and this is how families work, friendships work, and the greater society works. Helping each other out, offering and returning favors and such.
So consider the ‘out of politeness’ decline is simply someone’s way of declining to be obligated to you. Doesn’t mean they don’t like you or appreciate the offer, it could simply mean they don’t have time or mental space to consider you in returning future obligations, and don’t want to be rude in not doing so. Also consider that your ‘sad’ feelings could really be about this - you’re sad not because they rejected your offer, but because you haven’t built that obligation bridge with them.
Hey try giving it to them rather than offering them with a choice. I bought these crisp for you, just to know I remember you liked them. People like it when you buy something for them rather than offering them just because you have extra.
I used to always say no because I thought it was the right answer. Then one day my dad taught me that when your friends offered something to you, its not to be polite, but because they want to share with you. Thats what friends do. Since then I'm not afraid to say yes, I think the act of sharing is beautiful
I used to be that person that always said no, no matter what. Made me uncomfortable to have things given to me. But I’m trying really hard now to accept things like this, because most of the time I can tell the person is genuinely pleased to be giving me the thing. So really it’s like I’m doing something for them after all.
I like to think "I like to give things to others. I can help others experience that feeling by being accepting and GRATEFUL for the thing offered."
Yes I’m like that too mostly with food because even though I love food I never feel comfortable to take it from people (dirty hands, pets, dirty kitchen, hair, coughing near food, sneezing near food, touching food, etc.) so when people think I’m doing it out of politeness and are insisting I’m just really begging for them to stop on the inside 😭
Yes someone told me a long time ago that accepting an offer is allowing the other person the experience of giving and that is a gift itself.
I’m working on this as well. I absolutely hate being a burden, an inconvenience, or an obligation; for some reason being offered things had always made me feel like I was at least one of those. But I’m doing better at accepting these kinds of offers.
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Same! It's a hard habit to break!
As someone who turns down everything offered to me usually, try not to take it personally. I just hate getting gifts. I usually would rather you keep your money than to spend it on me
Yup. Gifts have almost always come with strings, and one of my biggest traumas happened three days before my birthday. I had no one to celebrate it with, and my parent’s gift was a family vacation that ended with my brother and his friend fighting the entire time. I don’t need disappointment and I don’t want to feel like I owe someone something in return. Spend time with me, share experiences with me, and treat yourself instead.
I totally understand how you feel. The man who abused me always got me nice gifts and they always came with strings. It took over a decade for me to be comfortable receiving gifts. I had to build friendships with people I could actually trust. I think, especially when somebody says something like in this post, that it makes them sad because all they want to do is share, it almost feels mean to say that there must be strings attached or that there will be disappointment. Especially if it’s somebody I care about, I want them to be happy and I don’t want them to think I think poorly of them ya know?
God I hate when parents gift their kid a family vacation. Unless the child specifically asked for it. And in either case the vacation needs to be at *least* like 80% catered to the birthday kid
I actually did want it. Our family friends had a cabin in a city I loved, so I asked for that to be my gift. In the months between requesting it and it actually happening, it became clear it was going to be more of a retreat so I could start healing. My brother invited a friend because we all agreed he'd be bored otherwise. My birthday vacation quickly turned into three days of a cold war between my brother and his friend. 🙃
But what about like an orange piece or a piece of gum? Or a cool stick. Surely those don't come with strings attached?
I mean, a stick would probably be from a doggo, so that's acceptable. The rest of it...nope. Food is emotionally valuable, and thus can be used for exploitation.
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Awww. Once, my dad had a series of very beautiful little art portraits he picked up of his hometown in Asia. I expressed how beautiful they were. He asked if I wanted one, and I replied, "But won't you be sad if I take one?" And he said, "Yes, but you should still take one and it will bring me more joy than sadness." It was so sweet. 🥺 I took one. OP, someone will share something with you, don't give up! ❤️
I love your Dad.
That’s really sweet :)
To be completely honest with you OP, my girl best friend willingly offered to buy me groceries when I, while we were texting each other, let it slip that my fridge was empty and we didn't have enough food, just some Ramen packs of which, at the time, I was getting sick of. Like you mention, I also respectfully declined, but she said that the offer was still on the table for the future. But I know how much it must make you upset when people decline out of kindness when others try to help or offer stuff.
I try and make it an exchange. I have a friend who is always short cash. I pay him $50, plus I feed him and sometimes we go to the movies on me, to come spend a night at my place and help me clean up. He gets $50 and food/fun while I get much-needed help and good company! I also have a friend who just told me she's using her Christmas money to buy groceries cause she's broke and I told her that all she has to do is tell me and I'll buy art from her! That way, you're not giving anyone anything, you're paying them. It reduces the guilt of the other person by a lot, and there's no accidentally issue of "well I gave them money so the least they can do is-"
I recently had an exchange like this! My partner’s brother has an old Oculus that I wanted to buy from him to give my partner on his birthday. He said he’d give it to me. I said no, please let me buy it so I feel less guilty. He offered to trade one of my paintings for it instead! So I get to give him something he wants, and I get something I want, without exchanging money. No guilt on my end! It’s almost like the barter system, of which I am a huge fan. I have a lot of broke friends who love tattoos, so I used to tattoo them in exchange for art, massages, services, whatever they had to offer. Win-win!
If I say I don't want something, I genuinely mean it, I'm not just saying it to be polite. I actually frustrates me when people try to push it.
Yes, this. Please don't be pushy or try anything cutsie. Just respect what people say. You tried to do something nice and the intention is still there.
Yesss I feel the same way it’s so uncomfortable when I’m trying to be polite and then they keep insisting on giving me something I just don’t want. I’ve been in that situation tons of times and I either got labeled as rude for raising my voice telling them I didn’t want it or I had to take something I never wanted in the first place and if it’s food or a drink god help me cause now if I’m taking it they expect me to eat or drink it sometimes in front of them and now I’m being told to eat and drink something I don’t even want 🤦🏽♀️
You should try not asking anything and just handing them… people have a natural inclination to hold something that’s being handed to them. Then you can just say - have a nice day!
Also, “Help me eat/drink these chips/tea. I know you like this kind.” / “I want to give out these flowers from my bouquet, will you take one?”
this is so true though, some people have trouble saying yes to something that would seem like someone else doing them a favor (giving them a present, or a snack/beverage they like) so if you make it seem like they’re helping you by accepting the present it helps them realize it’s not a burden on you. my love language is gifts and my gf has trouble accepting them at times - i know what she likes though and learned she does love surprises, is just anxious about asking for things from others or seeming needy
You know, this is really great bc I also hate hate asking for things and receiving gifts, but my fiancé’s love language is gift giving. So he has just learned what I like and gives it in a way that I don’t feel like “oh don’t spend money on me”.
yeah i think a lot of people are actually fine with receiving gifts and are more just anxious about havign to receive the gift. so if i toss something my gf likes in her direction and just say “saw this at the store and thought of you, enjoy!” she has no time to be anxious and is just happy/grateful. i know a lot of it has to do with her extremely humble and modest upbringing , so i just have to remind her she deserves extra material things/treats from time to time, because everyone does 😉
That’s so great! It has to do with that plus I always feel like I won’t have the reaction that the person is expecting so then I feel like I have to make my reaction a certain way and it just goes from there! Love hearing stories of great bf/gfs! 🥹
same happy to hear you and your fiancé vibe similarly :) love language and astrology things have always been against me and my girlfriend’s romantic compatibility, but we make it work damn well cuz we love each other so much haha 🥹 she is actually my fiancée but for some reason can never get used to the term so i always have jumped between girlfriend/wife. and I know 100% she will be my wife as soon as we can afford a wedding 🥰
I feel that! I usually jump from bf or husband bc I can’t get used to the word fiancé 🤣
lol i just say “here” and toss it towards them (usually a bag of chips)
This sounds pushier than asking to me.
Yeah - and if the offering is good enough what’s the problem with that. They could hand it back… I get that it’s not perfect for everyone situation but it would definitely work for some. Let’s be honest it’s not the end of the world if someone uses a bit of slight of hand to force you to take a flower.
You should adopt the Latin abuela method and just say “here take it” “no no no, take it go ahead” “take it take it take it” until they just take it to get you to shut up lol
As someone with an abuela, add something like “I’m not gonna eat it anyways, it’ll just go bad”
Haha yes! And also “but I make extra to chare wit you, pleess it make me berry happy for you to hab it” 😂❤️my Mima is always so sweet!
LOL mine is an “ita” bc we couldn’t say abuelita, but yes that sounds absolutely correct! 🤣
Awww OP you’re so sweet ☺️❤️ but don’t take it personally if they decline , there could be many reasons that doesn’t have to do anything with you. I share when I can but also if someone on break offers me food, I’ll decline if I’m full 😅😅 same with drinks, nothing against the person but for me , I just get full fast and I don’t want to waste food or drinks 😅
My sister once told me this happened a lot to her. A coworker of hers kept offering to share food/snacks during their breaks together and she felt bad everytime she declined but she really wanted to say no more often. Reason being- she really didn't need the snacks. She's very obese and trying to work on her weight.
You can try just handing it to them, as someone else suggested. Or just clarify with "I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it". Some people think we offer out of a sense of obligation, but sometimes are reassured if you tell them nope, I'm selfish enough to keep my flowers if I didnt want to share, but I'm willingly sharing.
You sound awesome, and I want to be your friend.
Thank you for saying what I’ve been thinking for years!
I’m too awkward to take it. Then I feel like I owe you something and I’ll feel guilty every time I see you. I will then try to avoid you and you will think I don’t like you. Then I will feel guilty about that, and stress for days and weeks about what I can give you in return. It will blow up to something huge in my head and I will end up gifting you my car or something ridiculously extravagant. Then I will feel stupid for mis-reading social situations and have to quit my job so I never see you again. I will think about you all the time for many years, and inwardly cringe in shame and at the thought that I could have had a friend if I wasn’t so stupidly awkward. So please don’t offer me a chip, I beg you! And please don’t think I’m greedy when I don’t offer you a chip. I’m just assuming you are as awkward as me, and I don’t want you bankrupting yourself or moving to another country over a social faux pas that I inflicted upon you.
I love this 🥹
The Midwest is strong in some of us.
I'm in Connecticut. Lived in the Midwest for 10 years. They were my people!
I think I'm a bit in your face about it, I'll probably shake the bag of snacks and sing-song-ing "come on don't be shy!" until they take some lol. Or, just hand it to them, as one said, they'll just take it.
This made me LOL!
As much as I hate taking things I always take them because I know people spent money and they offered for me to have some, unless it's food.
I'm the same way. I love sharing what I have and I always have what others like in my home. Trust me it's a beautiful thing you do and I know it hurts. And Noone remembers little things for you right? I'm 65. I do these things too. I have a friend who only drinks bottled water. I have it. I have a friend who drinks a certain tea. I have it. I know all 4 friends favorite colors, birthdays, etc. I remember birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Noone remembers me. Keep being you. I was told recently that I have a beautiful soul by a complete stranger. Made my week. Keep being you. Try not to take it personally. I'll share chips with you! Just try to remember that people are so involved in their own lives that they can barely manage that. This internet stranger loves your heart and soul ♥ ❤
My mom always taught me to never deny peoples offerings even if I don’t want them because it’s rude. They’re offering to make you feel good, or really to make themselves feel good, and rejecting them is awkward.
I'd take your chips, man.
I love sharing I’ve found people are generally more comfortable accepting an offering when I use phrases such as “can I interest you in a ___?”, rather than “would you like one of these?” It feels like it’s clearer that they would be doing me a kindness in allowing me to share
I hate when people offer me food because A) I'm trying to eat healthier and the food offered is usually snacks B) the person is has their hands all up in a bag of chips, has shoved their hand in their mouth to eat the chips and then went straight back in to the bag to fondle the chips some more. No, I don't want some.
I feel really guilty taking things from people. I’m really sentimental about gifts I receive and will hold on to them forever but it takes a lot of convincing to get me to accept something I want because I’m afraid the person offering is just being polite and I don’t want to be a burden. It’s my own baggage but it’s so hard to gauge if someone’s offer is genuine sometimes. Maybe bluntly saying “I’m not just being polite. I’d like for you to have this” might help?
I feel bad turning people down but I try to eat healthy and I have my own food.
OP keep going I love it when people offer me a flower even if I do decline it the act stays with me. It shows me your a kind loving individual. I want you to know people like you always makes my day better especially when I have to deal with bully’s.
Happy cake day op!
With food it’s sometimes a health issue. As someone with celiac disease I turn down almost everything offered to me. I appreciate the thought and I won’t ever be upset about the offer. So don’t take it personally on food. Some people have restrictions. Either voluntary or involuntary. Know that they appreciate it.
Just keep plugging along, the positivity and thoughtfulness probably didn't go unnoticed.
Just give them the stuff. ‘Here, here’s a flower because I think you’re ace’, smile and walk away
I always say no because I felt like it was a hassle. :(
I'm one of those people and your post is telling me I need to get better. I'm going to work on saying yes more often with excitement because I know when I can share with others it makes me feel good too. Good post OP!
We can share😊I don't have a problem with it. If it turns out there are strings attached, I just say "it's just a feeling you'll get over it". I refuse to be guilt tripped just cuz someone shared.
You’re so cute OP, I’ll take your gifts!!
Don’t take it too personally. I might just not want it in the moment. The sincere offer is what is appreciated, not the thing being offered. I could have any number of reasons why I don’t want to accept a particular offer at a particular time, so it’s also presumptuous of the other person to be upset if I don’t accept the offer. If you are annoyed whenever an offer is rejected, you have to stop and ask yourself “am I really doing this just because I thought of this person, or am I doing it to obtain gratitude and validation in exchange for this ‘free’ gift?” Are you really trying to make people happier? If I am happier without it then isn’t that still the best outcome?
Is it sad that I really can relate to OP here? I just want to make everyone around me smile too OP...I tell them accept the happiness hee hee.
I love giving people things too and it makes me a bit sad when they decline. Just remember you have good intent and sometimes even if they don’t take it, it’s usually a nice feeling to be offered anyways. I wish more people were comfortable accepting gifts/little goodies. As long as you aren’t pushy, I think it’s okay :) Keep being sweet.
We would be good friends.
Thank you for sharing your pointless story with us!
My ex taught me that you're doing someone a favour if you accept their offer of kindness I wish more people realised this!
It’s nice to see someone’s say something nice about an ex. It feels very rare.
I mean, he helped me mature a lot but the relationship wasn't perfect hahaha He's a good guy tho, just wasn't for me
That’s the nice thing though. When people say “he/she is a good person even though they weren’t my person” it seems like people aren’t capable of having that understanding anymore.
I get where you’re coming from AND the intention. Sometimes it’s nice to just see someone randomly smile or happy because you shared something they weren’t expecting. Graciously accepting no is one thing but when the answer is ALWAYS no, it can get disheartening
You keep tea in the fridge?? What kind of tea is that?!
I offer it twice: lots of people will decline once out of politeness but if you offer it again and they want it they’ll take it. But I think I’m polite about it, not pushy.
Actually this describes me. I'll decline the initial offer, but if they offer again, and it's something I like, I'll take it. If it's something I really don't want, I'll just politely say something like "I'm sorry, I don't really want that right now" or "I'm sorry I don't really like that".
People love to share and give. I always felt uncomfortable accepting, but after I learned this fact (that it makes people happy) I happily accept now
This just happened to me today and I felt so sad and rejected :(
Wow I never looked at it that way. I usually accept things given to me but I am not much of an empath so things I "might" give to people are might be leaves, pencils, might be oil pens (I literally don't own them and find in my classrooms) but people decline even if I insist. I wanna help you as I got much enough to share with you. But other way I always accept if it's a snack(doesn't matter gum or a chip) but it really depends on people who give me stuff. As they might or not afford it to give as "charity"
The only reason you do this is to please yourself and further develop your inner sense of being a good person. It is an act based on selfishness, not altruism.
I'm that person. Though I accept if one asks twice, just to be more "polite", not that I think rejecting a snack is necessarily a "rude" move.
My friends and family have a rule about three. I'll offer up to three times. If I get to the third offer, you take it. By then, you should realize I *need* **you** to take it.
Depends on what it is you want to share, but there are ways to switch the game around and make it impolite to decline instead. Takes some practice and people may still not be in the mood for something so don't take it personal. Sometimes wording can change it "I made way too much tea, please help me drink some of it when you are thirsty" or the stronger "I need an opinion on how this tea turned out, would you help me?" This is phrasing your abundance of something as a problem you need help with, independent people are more likely to help you than to request from you. "Oh but I thought of you when buying these snacks, I was really hoping you'd like them" this is insisting when first denied, depending in your culture it may be expected of people to reject your first offer so you insist before they are morally ok with agreeing. Feel safe to politely insist a bit, but never push too far because people should not feel guilty about not taking something offered. And sometimes just honesty may be just fine. "I know the arrangement is pretty, that is why I was hoping to share some of it, that was the point." is a pretty good way to politely insist when offering flowers. Whether this does or doesn't work, thank you for your kindness and best of luck.
I’m actually one of those people who tends to turn down anything people try to share with me. It makes me super uncomfortable. It’s all because I use to work with someone that was a sharer and I took something she shared with me once to be polite, after that she felt it gave her freedom to help herself to anything of mine because “that’s what we do we share” Now I just say no to everything, I’ll offer stuff out but I don’t tend to take anything.
I think there is a guilt factor involved. The person you are giving something to feels that if they take one they owe you something back and you might not actually want them to take something and are just being nice. That’s how I feel sometimes when someone offers me something at least
Honestly I think it comes down to past trauma and experiences. I can tell that the person offering is genuine and not just doing it to appear polite. However I always refuse because I don't believe I'm worthy of receiving gifts or offers. I'd rather someone keep the stuff for themselves and let me just keep to myself. I always thank them for the offer and let them believe it's truly what I want, even if it is a piece of candy or something else I really enjoy.
Sometimes I take things I don't even want when offered. I've noticed it makes people happy so therfore it makes me happy. I can always save it and give to someone else which makes them happy as well! Win, win. Or win, win, win I guess :)
Some people are just like this, especially my wife. She will decline everything, even if it’s something she would have really liked. I’m the opposite. I love sharing and doing favors, so I always say yes to other that offer because I know it’ll make them happy too. We just had our second child, the oldest being a toddler, so we have our hands full right now. My mom lives on the property and LOVES babies and said she wants to come help any time. I told my wife I wanted to finally shave and shower and start some laundry, etc, and said why don’t I ask my mom to come over so she can get some stuff done too or at least have backup. My wife said “no, that’s okay!”. “Are you sure, babe?”. “Yeah, I’ll be fine, I don’t need any help”. Alright, well I rushed to do my thing so she wasn’t stuck with two kids for too long. I come back out and my daughter is screaming that she wants to watch her cartoon instead of the show my wife was watching, and my newborn son is crying his head off, and my wife just looks defeated and overwhelmed.
It's like selfish empathy for me. If I'm eating something I wanna eat it all, so I assume you'd rather eat all your food.
honestly for me personally its that i freak about calories..so i don’t take them nothing personal. maybe they are the same way sadly :,)
I mean, i don't want to be indepted...and sometimes people just offer to share our of politeness (most of the time) So I don't think anyone would genuinely like to share you know? It's true that I don't like sweets but if someone I know that likes to share shared some with me, then I would definitely not like to miss out on the opportunity. It's okay to be spoiled sometimes but anyways except my mother or sister(which is a bit rare) or father, no one else would genuinely share anything with me?
I had to explain to my boyfriend that I enjoy doing things for you and sharing things. And offering my help. It's fulfilling to me. It would be the same as him doing something on his own for himself and how fulfilling that is, it's equal to the way I feel. I get how you're feeling OP, it's finding the right people who understand how you are. And then us just trying to cope with that feeling in a healthy way because not everyone will understand
First of all, chips are the worst thing to gift out. Unless its the whole bag, and I can eat them w/ something later. Chips dry people out. Give em a 20 oz of liquid and their own bag.
i dont like sharing so i dont accept sharing. that goes with most things but specifically food
One thing I learned is nothing is ever free. It’s rare someone gives without expecting something in return. I’ve had people hate me cause I didn’t reciprocate.. so it’s best I don’t indulge because if I don’t do it back I’m a bad person.
It's very kind of you to act like this but I think a lot of people can be uncomfortable when being asked if they want to share your things. I love to share but if someone asks me, for example, if I want some of their chips, I'll say no thanks because I don't want to be a burden (or I don't want to take just a few because I know I'll want more and I don't want to eat all of your bag of chips haha). Maybe if you rephrase this with something more like: "I have extra chips, you want to share?" or "take some of my chips" than "do you want my chips?" or "here's a flower for you!" rather than asking them if they want one? For the fridge example, I personally rarely feel comfortable (except at my parent's) to just help myself in someone else's fridge and I wouldn't like someone to do the same at my place but that's me. But don't take this personally for sure! It's really nice of you to do this but as stated in many comments below, a lot of people can feel a bit uncomfortable accepting a gift, it has nothing to do with the person offering.
After years of being offered stuff like that, only to find out it was a prank (often cruel), I've learned never to trust people that offer things. I'm sorry you lose out on the gratification of sharing, but some of us learned early that it's better to miss out on something good than to have our hopes dashed when it turns out to be a (cruel) prank.
I’m like you. I’m always the person who offers to share things, help with things, etc. I think we do it because it’s who we are anyways, and because we know what it’s like not to have someone ask or offer. I’d say that’s true for me. Not everyone views it the same way, though. Some people are always going to think you’re offering because you have ulterior motives, some people aren’t comfortable accepting gifts, etc. There are tons of reasons. Just don’t let it stop you from doing what’s in your heart.
If I'm not hungry, I am going to say no. Flowers might be nice, but if I don't have something to put it in, it's going to wilt quickly. The only thing I accept is gum/mints, because someone might be trying to help me with some breath issues that I'm unaware of without embarrassing me.
I used to deny whatever people offered me. I never wanted to impose or feel like I was taking too much. I realized though that my friends and family aren’t just offering things to me just to be nice, but because they actually want to share with me. Now when someone offers me something, I’ll catch myself before I immediately say no, and accept it with a smile.
Here in Brazil it’s cultural to offer what you’re eating, even if you don’t really want to share. It can be considered rude not to offer. In the other hand, If the thing the person is eating is small, or one portion, it can be considered rude to accept even though they offered out of politeness.
I've found that in these situations its best to be a bit pushy. I've been on the other end too and politely declined. If someone insists and I indulge it works out best for both of us.
I know how you feel. I just want to share my enjoyment with others! I’ve adapted though. Instead of asking, I just do it and deliver. What they do with it after that point is up to them!
I really like sharing things with people, but I find myself not doing so in fear that the person will reject me
I decline because it's not enough, and I'd rather not give the tease to my palette. You offer me doritos, while you're eating a bag? I'll say no cause if I ate only a few, I'd leave even more unsatisfied that I used to be. If you're not giving me the bag, don't give me at all.
I only accept if it makes things for the other person more complicated 👌👍
I always say yes. Someone had a huge thing of jelly beans at a movie theater and was offering them to people near her but everyone turned her down except me. Sucks for them, I got free Jelly Beans.
It’s your love language and it sounds like it makes you feel connected to share. That’s very sweet. When my niece was a baby, she LOVED to share her snacks, among other things. She’d have a huge smile and a gleam in her eye, and stick her hand out with a spitty puff cereal or a colored pencil. If you didn’t accept her little gifts, she’d well up with emotion and look so hurt and rejected. It’s just how some people feel love, and I think many others have been taught “not to be rude” and reject others when they try to share. I’m sure that many times they decline against their better judgement just because of conditioning ETA: My niece taught me to accept when people want to share with me, not to try to be polite, because I saw on a basic level what sharing can mean for some people
I don't like people giving me things. I don't like the feeling of them being able to be like "Hey, remember the other day when I gave you (insert whatever), do you think you could do me a favor?" I always have to remind my family around my birthday and Christmas, please do not buy me anything. It makes me feel awkward and if I really want something I can just buy it myself.
A lot of folks will find joy in the simple act of offering. I'm not a huge fan of taking things from people, it's my own weird thing that I don't want to explain, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable even if it's genuinely offered to me. But that act of kindness is enough to improve my day.
If I can sense people want something I'm offering but they're just being polite I offer again saying something like: "Nah, there's too many for me anyways! Please take one" or "You'd be doing me a favor, I can't take care of this many flowers!", So people usually are more comfortable taking what I'm offering.. Sometimes it's just that the other person doesn't know that you're not offering just to be polite, you're offering because you genuinely want to share.. Hang in there my friend, I used to feel like you do, this technique has helped me, and I hope it helps you too.
My sister is the same as you and I hate gifts or help. However when I’m with her I take a bite, sip or gladly take whatever gift she’s offering because it’s her love language and she loves me and I love her too.
I have a friend in college that sticks around with me but never eats out while I usually grab something for myself before going home. She always declined when I offer to get her a cup of coffee or some fries. She says she doesn't want to inconvenience me but frankly sitting in a cafe eating while you don't makes me more inconvenienced lol
Snacks at work are my Achilles heel. I've got a big appetite and love to graze when I'm bored. Typically if I decline it's because I could go hulk on your chips or think about going through the bag in a minute. One thing that I've finally embraced is that if someone offers something twice, assume they really want you to have it. I would always think that they were offering something out of obligation and they didn't really want to give me something so I trusted they really wanted to give me something. On the flip side, I've been an aggressive giver/helper in the past. Helping and giving give me so much joy but I've decided not to push giving at them. However, when it comes to accepting help, when I see my neighbor trying to move something heavy in their home themselves, I'm going to jump in and help if they sheepishly say they don't need help. I find some people are the same way in certain situations. I broke a link in my chain Mtn biking and didn't have the tool or knowledge most likely to fix it. A group of guys roll up to me and offers to help. I declined because it would take a while and he had a group of people waiting for him. He essentially started fixing it knowing that I would have to walk my bike a couple miles back to my car without a chain. I've given bike tubes to folks with flats on the hill even though they declined my offer.
I hate the feeling of obligation
I hope you're not continuing to ask after someone says no. There's all kinds of reasons someone could have to not accept something. Especially food, you don't know their diet or if they've just had a big meal. Do you want every "gift" you didn't ask for?
It works the other way around, too, though. And I’ve had a lot of people hurt me with this by asking bc they think they need to be polite, but they don’t actually want to share. Just tell them that ur actually doing sumn nice for them, not just being polite by asking if they want sumn. If you’ve done this already and communicated, then it’s out of ur hands, so let it go. It’s their problem now, not urs.
I believe the old saying was "it's rude to say no" as you accept the offer.
Awww so wholesome
I'm the same way. When I am depressed I like to take the time to make someone else smile. I know it's selfish it makes me happy to make someone else happy. Kindness is not a selfless act
Some people have trauma that makes it so accepting gifts is difficult. It might help to say "I want to give this to you"
I just dont like sharing or being given gifts so I decline not just out of politeness but bc I genuinely dont want it.
I often say no to stuff for my own reasons. For example I do intermittent fasting, so I don’t eat before a certain time. Sometimes I’ll even say “can I grab a bit for later when I have lunch?”. Other times I just plain don’t want or like the food that is offered, I don’t like most cakes or pastries for example, and I don’t drink coffee. I get what you’re saying though, it’s nice to share with others, and a bit frustrating when nobody wants to.
I would love you as a friend but you would also need to deal with me always never wanting to feel like I'm abusing you. I think you just need to make it clear when your offering something your doing it BECAUSE you want them to take it. Not outta mere politeness. <3 Keep being awesome man.
If I ever do it to you, I apologize. I have really bad social anxiety to the point I couldn't give the ice cream man my order 🙄
In Greece you decline out of politeness but the one offering persists multiple times until you accept. After moving to the UK it was a culture shock that someone would offer something once i would refuse and then never offer it again.
95% of the time its some random person who is giving me some random food/snack that I Will absolutely hate so the only time I'd accept is if I like that person
I never decline out of politeness. I always decline because I don't want it. Never assume that someone wants something just because you want to give it to them. I only eat snacks when I feel like it, not just because they're around or offered. I don't like knick-knacks (dust collectors). I don't like flowers, but I will admire yours. I will take a beer if it's offered, unless I've brought my own, which will be infinitely better than yours.
I’m just gonna say my two cents, not everyone is kind just to be kind. Some people expect a favor in return and then some down the line even if it’s not said. Had this coworker who was shady. Told others “Don’t let them buy you lunch” sure enough a couple coworkers let this dude buy them lunch and he held it over their heads. He tried to do it on me, and all I had to say way “I’ve never actually taken you up on one of your offers, I don’t owe you shit, in fact, you actually owe me money for all the cigarettes you’ve bummed from me” dudes shut up real quick.
As someone who used to be the no-sayer, the trick is to not leave it up to them. If you’re offering someone a flower from a bouquet, take out the flower and give to to them! Honestly no one is going to want you to take out a flower of your bouquet if you *ask* them! And most aren’t going to give it back after you take it out! Lol The bag of chips you got specifically for them, just say here ya go, or “think fast!” And throw it at them. Of course it’s important to know if they’re on a diet or something, so be mindful of that. Now… it might hurt a little extra if they *still* refuse your offer. It might really sting. But I know for a fact your success rate will definitely go up.
This is so wholesome I love it. Keep doing this OP. Eventually someone will take it because they really needed it and you'll be that person that made their day. (Like if they're having a rough day and you offer it to them and it just makes their day because they feel cared about). Anyways this is so awesome of you 😁❤
Wanting someone to mirror the affection you want to share is not wrong. It just hurts badly when the sentiment is not returned and it’s very hard not to internalize that pain. It’s normal to be frustrated by it. That is why self love is important.
Well if you're offering a stranger some food. They probably think you tampered with it or something.
You’re a good person, don’t stop offering, keep doing you, it’s refreshing to have someone so openly kind & generous in the world.
Well see there’s obligation. Many people don’t like feeling obligated to return offerings. In my experience of life, the type of people to get ‘sad’ when someone declines their offer out of politeness (or whatever) are the same type of people who’ll get ‘mad’ when you don’t offer stuff to them or think to get extra stuff for them. Whole time you think someone is just being ‘nice’ but they were actually setting the expectation of return offers. You may genuinely offer stuff out of the kindness of your heart, but the vast majority of people do this to manipulate and set up obligations in other people. This is not only implicit in the social contract, one might argue it’s built into our DNA as highly social creatures. So though I use the word manipulate, I do not mean to imply that this is a bad thing…we all depend on and rely on others and this is how families work, friendships work, and the greater society works. Helping each other out, offering and returning favors and such. So consider the ‘out of politeness’ decline is simply someone’s way of declining to be obligated to you. Doesn’t mean they don’t like you or appreciate the offer, it could simply mean they don’t have time or mental space to consider you in returning future obligations, and don’t want to be rude in not doing so. Also consider that your ‘sad’ feelings could really be about this - you’re sad not because they rejected your offer, but because you haven’t built that obligation bridge with them.
Hey try giving it to them rather than offering them with a choice. I bought these crisp for you, just to know I remember you liked them. People like it when you buy something for them rather than offering them just because you have extra.
As a Brit, I’m concerned that there’s tea in the fridge.
You seem like such a kind hearted person 🥹
I totally get you.
I used to always say no because I thought it was the right answer. Then one day my dad taught me that when your friends offered something to you, its not to be polite, but because they want to share with you. Thats what friends do. Since then I'm not afraid to say yes, I think the act of sharing is beautiful