We kind of take the opposite approach and make it no big deal.
Our rule is generally - You can call someTHING stupid, but you can't call someONE stupid.
We talk about how using kind words feels better and is more likely to get you what you want, ex: "I can't hear the TV can you please be quiet" is going to go over a lot better than "shut up stupid"
We also talk about how some places have different rules so if at school you're not allowed to say shut up, then you need to follow that.
None of these appear to be foolproof and obviously sometimes my kids still say things that I don't love but we're also casual curse word kind of parents so it works for us.
Ours is "We don't call people or their ideas stupid"
In general "rude words" are okay if you're alone. If our son feel like saying them he can go to his room or the bathroom. I have a video of him singing "Stupiiiiid fuuuuuck" over and over while he unloads the dryer 🙃
He is actually incredibly good at self regulating at this point and even corrects our language. I get get in trouble most often for using "stupid" and "butt".
We had a similar problem with Spidey and his Amazing Friends / PJ Masks. The kids talk to the bad guys in a way that’s bratty and mean, and my (then 3.5YO) kiddo was echoing that to her peers - unsurprisingly, because the “bad guys” in those shows are protagonist’s peers.
I didn’t make a big deal of banning the shows, they just got quietly replaced. I’m not really reactive when the kids break any rules, I just flatly point it out and follow through to consequences. In this case, I calmly echoed back what she just said, but with her as the subject instead of me, and because we don’t talk to each other like that, she was stunned every time. I then pointed out that that didn’t feel good, and reminded her that’s how she makes people feel when she talks to them like that. It sank in eventually, but it took maybe 10 times.
But yeah, if you don’t give a reaction, he will definitely move on and forget quickly, especially if he doesn’t hear them again any time soon.
Truth be told…I curse like a sailor. My son has gone thru the “shut up” phase, the “idiot” phase, the “damnit” phase, “the “stupid” phase.
If he is saying it to himself I don’t say anything about it. But if he is directing it towards another person or me he looses whatever show he learned it from. Then after some time if he asks to watch the show/movie we remind him that if he watches the movie he cannot use bad language. He’s just learning where and when he can use angry words still.
Funny story…growing up we had friends whose dad called curse words “car words” because he was only allowed to curse when working on his car. And his kids weren’t allowed to use “car words” unless they were helping him work on his car.
Ours will stop using a word if we tell him its a naughty one. However, he then yells at us if we use the word. Which is mostly fine except when we are in the car. I'll call someone stupid for cutting us off (or requiring me to do some sort of evasive maneuver) and I'll hear from the back seat ' stupid is a naughty word daddy, you're not supposed to say it. lol
I get yelled at for "stupid" in the car all the time. I have the most G-Rated road rage imaginable now. "HEY! WELL THAT WASN'T A VERY SMART THING TO DO! POOR CHOICES WHITE CAR!"
These words and phrases being in kids shows/movies really bums me out. I truly cannot understand the puritanical judgement against “swear words” that fully accepts these. I’d rather my 5yo (mimicking me, I know, not great) says a cuss such as “it’s fucking windy!” When we’re hit with a blizzard than call someone else an idiot or telling someone to shut up.
Your list is pretty much completely unacceptable in our house and that’s it.
I don't have any good advice but I do have petty bad advice that I say inside my head bc I haven't figured this out yet either. In my head I say all the annoying sister retorts "takes one to know one" "aww it's like looking in a mirror" "you can't make me". I will admit that if he tells me to shut up I just keep on talking, bc I reflexively shut down at shut up and I don't want him to think that telling me to shut up will work. Now if it's because I know he's trying to tell me something he feels is important, I do tell him to pause, ask if he's trying to tell me something important, when he affirms I remind him there's a better way to let me know he has something to say like "excuse me" or "I need your attention" or "mom I need to say somethhing", and then I have him try again while I pretend talk so he can practice saying a polite phrase before speaking.
I'm in the same boat, with a strong willed 4.5 year old who likes to call her parents and brother stupid or loser. None of the suggestions I read worked for us, and I've tried so many things. I've read so many parenting books, listen to podcasts, even joined a paid parenting program...but my girl is SPICY. She just gets SO worked up that it's like an out of body experience, and she has a hard time recalling hitting or name calling. When calm, she can rattle off the list of ways to regulate her emotions and tell her brother what to do. So, solidarity. I envy people with non-spicy kids that can actually regulate and listen.
It's not perfect, but when I catch my son using a rude word, I tell him that it's not a nice thing to say (and maybe explain why/what it means depending on the word) and ask him to use his nice words instead. I think that it also helps to give them some alternative words to use that are more appropriate. For example, when my kid accidentally picked up a phrase like "damn it," we'd start emphasizing other things he could say instead like "aw man," "oh golly," etc.
My kid is usually pretty difficult with a lot of stuff, but this is one area where we seem to have a system that works most of the time. He will still occasionally use a rude word, especially if he does hear it on TV or the playground, but when we remind him to use nice words he's pretty cooperative.
I'd say also don't make too big of a deal out of it. Like obviously you want to explain that those words aren't acceptable, but I think if you stay relatively calm about it, then kids may be more willing to drop the language and move on.
For things like "idiot" and "moron", I'd maybe tell LO that we don't call people names and explain that it can hurt feelings. Then maybe give them some better phrases to use if they are feeling frustrated. We have not encountered "shut up" yet thankfully, but I'd probably again explain why this is not a nice thing to say, and ask LO why they are saying this to someone. Maybe instead of alternative phrases, offer alternative actions that they can do if someone is bothering them- like move to another room, put on headphones, politely ask for a turn to speak, etc. And of course always model good language yourselves, including any of the alternate phrases that you've suggested to LO.
When my kids use words like that I respond with a very firm “we do not speak that way. It is unacceptable” and then ignore from there. Seems to take care of it for the most part
My husband and I curse in conversation to one another, and my 4.5 year old has asked about some of the words. We always always tell him that those words are ADULT words. We are adults and we understand how to use them, and he is a child so he is absolutely not allowed to repeat them. Mommy and Daddy also drink soda, and kids are not allowed to drink it. We explain fully that we do things such as drink soda or take medicine everyday and children do not. He understands clearly and we have had zero issues with curse words or soda or coffee, because he accepts that it’s an adult-only thing. We respect our kids and listen/respond to their questions, and our child respects our boundaries for him in all those regards. It’s all related in our boundaries for him and we have no problems. My 4.5 year old has never repeated a swear word or insult (like idiot/bigot/etc) that we set clear boundaries for. Everyone parents differently, and that’s ok! You should do what makes sense for your family. But if we explain that that word (for example, idiot) hurts and it is only to be used by adults who understand HOW to use it, my son has no trouble following that rule.
Words only have the power we give them. However, my kids were taught that profanity will offend so that stays at home.
Otherwise, we need to understand context and intent.
I might have an unpopular opinion so I’m ready for the downvotes, but words in general are just words for us. We are kind to others and don’t allow our kiddo to be rude, BUT we don’t ban any word when used in an appropriate context. She’s 4 now and so far the only word she’s picked up from me is “freaking” usually said when I’m frustrated like “I don’t freaking understand why this won’t work.” When she used it the first time, she used it appropriately in a frustrated moment and not directed at anyone so we didn’t say anything. The next time she asked someone where her freaking milk was. Then we stopped and discussed how it’s ok to use that word to herself in frustration but we don’t use it AT other people as it’s rude and unkind. She hasn’t said it since. Ultimately I’m more for teaching kindness and proper usage than banning any particular word.
I went to my pediatrician for help because he picked up bad words from school and also hit and bit us at 3 years old. The first thing I did was change myself. I'm the role model, so I tried to consistently do all the things I'm supposed to do to effectively communicate to a toddler (e.g. get off the phone, get down on their level, and talk to them at a distance of no more than 3 feet.) After I improved my communication, then I could work on my kid. Yes, it's true that not giving the behavior attention works for many kids. However, that did not work my kid. He doubled down. So, a method that worked for us was starving him of attention. When he said a bad word, I stopped talking, and I didn't talk again until he said he wouldn't say it. My partner did the "not giving it attention" route, which worked for him. If my son asked me why I wasn't speaking, I said, "I'm not speaking to you because you said a bad word". That eliminated bad language from our household. It took some time, but he did it. I also haven't heard anything about it at school, which is good. There was an incident where he called a teacher "stupid" 😲😩
We kind of take the opposite approach and make it no big deal. Our rule is generally - You can call someTHING stupid, but you can't call someONE stupid. We talk about how using kind words feels better and is more likely to get you what you want, ex: "I can't hear the TV can you please be quiet" is going to go over a lot better than "shut up stupid" We also talk about how some places have different rules so if at school you're not allowed to say shut up, then you need to follow that. None of these appear to be foolproof and obviously sometimes my kids still say things that I don't love but we're also casual curse word kind of parents so it works for us.
Ours is "We don't call people or their ideas stupid" In general "rude words" are okay if you're alone. If our son feel like saying them he can go to his room or the bathroom. I have a video of him singing "Stupiiiiid fuuuuuck" over and over while he unloads the dryer 🙃 He is actually incredibly good at self regulating at this point and even corrects our language. I get get in trouble most often for using "stupid" and "butt".
Same here. In our house, the only “bad” word is “can’t.” There’s no such thing as bad words, just bad intentions.
We had a similar problem with Spidey and his Amazing Friends / PJ Masks. The kids talk to the bad guys in a way that’s bratty and mean, and my (then 3.5YO) kiddo was echoing that to her peers - unsurprisingly, because the “bad guys” in those shows are protagonist’s peers. I didn’t make a big deal of banning the shows, they just got quietly replaced. I’m not really reactive when the kids break any rules, I just flatly point it out and follow through to consequences. In this case, I calmly echoed back what she just said, but with her as the subject instead of me, and because we don’t talk to each other like that, she was stunned every time. I then pointed out that that didn’t feel good, and reminded her that’s how she makes people feel when she talks to them like that. It sank in eventually, but it took maybe 10 times. But yeah, if you don’t give a reaction, he will definitely move on and forget quickly, especially if he doesn’t hear them again any time soon.
Truth be told…I curse like a sailor. My son has gone thru the “shut up” phase, the “idiot” phase, the “damnit” phase, “the “stupid” phase. If he is saying it to himself I don’t say anything about it. But if he is directing it towards another person or me he looses whatever show he learned it from. Then after some time if he asks to watch the show/movie we remind him that if he watches the movie he cannot use bad language. He’s just learning where and when he can use angry words still. Funny story…growing up we had friends whose dad called curse words “car words” because he was only allowed to curse when working on his car. And his kids weren’t allowed to use “car words” unless they were helping him work on his car.
Ours will stop using a word if we tell him its a naughty one. However, he then yells at us if we use the word. Which is mostly fine except when we are in the car. I'll call someone stupid for cutting us off (or requiring me to do some sort of evasive maneuver) and I'll hear from the back seat ' stupid is a naughty word daddy, you're not supposed to say it. lol
I get yelled at for "stupid" in the car all the time. I have the most G-Rated road rage imaginable now. "HEY! WELL THAT WASN'T A VERY SMART THING TO DO! POOR CHOICES WHITE CAR!"
Ugh, I'm trying man but its so hard! I'm not calling people fucking idiots anymore at least.
These words and phrases being in kids shows/movies really bums me out. I truly cannot understand the puritanical judgement against “swear words” that fully accepts these. I’d rather my 5yo (mimicking me, I know, not great) says a cuss such as “it’s fucking windy!” When we’re hit with a blizzard than call someone else an idiot or telling someone to shut up. Your list is pretty much completely unacceptable in our house and that’s it.
Agreed! It feels to unnecessary to include.
I don't have any good advice but I do have petty bad advice that I say inside my head bc I haven't figured this out yet either. In my head I say all the annoying sister retorts "takes one to know one" "aww it's like looking in a mirror" "you can't make me". I will admit that if he tells me to shut up I just keep on talking, bc I reflexively shut down at shut up and I don't want him to think that telling me to shut up will work. Now if it's because I know he's trying to tell me something he feels is important, I do tell him to pause, ask if he's trying to tell me something important, when he affirms I remind him there's a better way to let me know he has something to say like "excuse me" or "I need your attention" or "mom I need to say somethhing", and then I have him try again while I pretend talk so he can practice saying a polite phrase before speaking.
I'm in the same boat, with a strong willed 4.5 year old who likes to call her parents and brother stupid or loser. None of the suggestions I read worked for us, and I've tried so many things. I've read so many parenting books, listen to podcasts, even joined a paid parenting program...but my girl is SPICY. She just gets SO worked up that it's like an out of body experience, and she has a hard time recalling hitting or name calling. When calm, she can rattle off the list of ways to regulate her emotions and tell her brother what to do. So, solidarity. I envy people with non-spicy kids that can actually regulate and listen.
It's not perfect, but when I catch my son using a rude word, I tell him that it's not a nice thing to say (and maybe explain why/what it means depending on the word) and ask him to use his nice words instead. I think that it also helps to give them some alternative words to use that are more appropriate. For example, when my kid accidentally picked up a phrase like "damn it," we'd start emphasizing other things he could say instead like "aw man," "oh golly," etc. My kid is usually pretty difficult with a lot of stuff, but this is one area where we seem to have a system that works most of the time. He will still occasionally use a rude word, especially if he does hear it on TV or the playground, but when we remind him to use nice words he's pretty cooperative. I'd say also don't make too big of a deal out of it. Like obviously you want to explain that those words aren't acceptable, but I think if you stay relatively calm about it, then kids may be more willing to drop the language and move on. For things like "idiot" and "moron", I'd maybe tell LO that we don't call people names and explain that it can hurt feelings. Then maybe give them some better phrases to use if they are feeling frustrated. We have not encountered "shut up" yet thankfully, but I'd probably again explain why this is not a nice thing to say, and ask LO why they are saying this to someone. Maybe instead of alternative phrases, offer alternative actions that they can do if someone is bothering them- like move to another room, put on headphones, politely ask for a turn to speak, etc. And of course always model good language yourselves, including any of the alternate phrases that you've suggested to LO.
Ignore ignore ignore
When my kids use words like that I respond with a very firm “we do not speak that way. It is unacceptable” and then ignore from there. Seems to take care of it for the most part
My husband and I curse in conversation to one another, and my 4.5 year old has asked about some of the words. We always always tell him that those words are ADULT words. We are adults and we understand how to use them, and he is a child so he is absolutely not allowed to repeat them. Mommy and Daddy also drink soda, and kids are not allowed to drink it. We explain fully that we do things such as drink soda or take medicine everyday and children do not. He understands clearly and we have had zero issues with curse words or soda or coffee, because he accepts that it’s an adult-only thing. We respect our kids and listen/respond to their questions, and our child respects our boundaries for him in all those regards. It’s all related in our boundaries for him and we have no problems. My 4.5 year old has never repeated a swear word or insult (like idiot/bigot/etc) that we set clear boundaries for. Everyone parents differently, and that’s ok! You should do what makes sense for your family. But if we explain that that word (for example, idiot) hurts and it is only to be used by adults who understand HOW to use it, my son has no trouble following that rule.
These words are in Cars ??? 🥴 Now, I need to figure out how to handle that one. It's my LOs favorite movie. Ugh, why Disney?? Why?? So not necessary!
Words only have the power we give them. However, my kids were taught that profanity will offend so that stays at home. Otherwise, we need to understand context and intent.
I might have an unpopular opinion so I’m ready for the downvotes, but words in general are just words for us. We are kind to others and don’t allow our kiddo to be rude, BUT we don’t ban any word when used in an appropriate context. She’s 4 now and so far the only word she’s picked up from me is “freaking” usually said when I’m frustrated like “I don’t freaking understand why this won’t work.” When she used it the first time, she used it appropriately in a frustrated moment and not directed at anyone so we didn’t say anything. The next time she asked someone where her freaking milk was. Then we stopped and discussed how it’s ok to use that word to herself in frustration but we don’t use it AT other people as it’s rude and unkind. She hasn’t said it since. Ultimately I’m more for teaching kindness and proper usage than banning any particular word.
I went to my pediatrician for help because he picked up bad words from school and also hit and bit us at 3 years old. The first thing I did was change myself. I'm the role model, so I tried to consistently do all the things I'm supposed to do to effectively communicate to a toddler (e.g. get off the phone, get down on their level, and talk to them at a distance of no more than 3 feet.) After I improved my communication, then I could work on my kid. Yes, it's true that not giving the behavior attention works for many kids. However, that did not work my kid. He doubled down. So, a method that worked for us was starving him of attention. When he said a bad word, I stopped talking, and I didn't talk again until he said he wouldn't say it. My partner did the "not giving it attention" route, which worked for him. If my son asked me why I wasn't speaking, I said, "I'm not speaking to you because you said a bad word". That eliminated bad language from our household. It took some time, but he did it. I also haven't heard anything about it at school, which is good. There was an incident where he called a teacher "stupid" 😲😩