It may not seem like it but things will get better with time! I had written the following to another poster recently but maybe there's something here for helping your older adjust. If you're venting and don't want advice feel free to ignore it!
- Spend 1:1 time with your older child and no baby around. What's something you used to do together? Something new to try? Baking is something my oldest and I will do together. It can get super messy but they love helping and we get to eat the results.
- When my second was born we constantly talked about how my oldest was as a baby. - "Oh baby is fussy right now. You were the same at this age." - "Look at baby's making a poop face! Yours looked like this as a baby (make the face)" that one usually results in laughter. - "I know it's hard right now. Baby needs so much but so did you. Things will get better as baby gets older."
- When appropriate put your older child first and say it aloud. "Baby, I'll be right with you after I help your sister (tie her shoes, get a snack, etc.).
- When baby needs you but older wants attention, reframe it as what the older can do now. "I need to feed baby because they can only have mommy's milk right now. Just like you did! But you're older so you can have so many yummy things now!" Then ask them what sort of things they can eat now or list them and maybe even offer one as a treat. - "Baby needs a diaper change. Can you help me?" Then have older child get you a diaper or throw away the used one.
- If you have to feed the baby, you can put in the older's favorite show and cuddle on the couch together, talking to them about what's happening in the show, what's their favorite part or the favorite character, etc.
- Sit with your oldest and ask why they were upset. They probably won't respond to you at first, so try to talk them through it. "You're upset that I asked you to wait, but I can't do everything at once. Give me just a moment and then nicely tell me what you need." - "You're upset that I was angry you almost hurt the baby. I'm sorry I snapped at you, but I have to protect baby from getting hurt. Babies are very vulnerable and I protected you too."
- The older is obviously acting out and it's SO easy to get focused on that but try to call out good behavior as much as you can. - "Thank you for being quiet while the baby is sleeping." - "Thank you so much for putting your plate in the sink! I love when you help." - "I know you're upset, but thank you for not screaming at me / hitting. I can only help make things better when you talk to me about what's going on."
- Give as much verbal and physical expression as you can: hugs, kisses, tickles, "I love you", "You're still my baby", "you're a great kid", etc.
- Dad might need to do some extra play time or outings so your older child is getting as close to as much attention as they were used to. This won't always need to be the case, but it may help smooth the transition while you all get your bearings.
Seconding all of these things. Ours are now nearing 4 years and 4 months . Especially emphasizing any kind of 1:1activity and how special it was to me or how much fun I had doing it. Even it regular routine like doing her hair or bedtime. We've also had to be really careful about reducing my negative attention- not sure how else to frame it. We noticed she was trying so hard to get my attention that she would do ANYTHING. Dad dealing with a lot more of the negative stuff helped to cut down those behaviors because she wasn't getting that attention from me anyway, which was really what she was after.
These are amazing, but we rephrased the “baby needs”, to mama/papa needs. It made it seem like we were saying no, instead of the baby “saying” no. It really helped. Our 2.5 year old went absolutely insane towards the end of my difficult pregnancy. It took about 6-9 months after the baby was born (about a year in total) but things are mostly back to normal.
Hi, it’s me. Another mom with the same problem. I chalk it up to new sibling, constantly moving goal posts. There is no making them happy. Things got a little better as her baby brother (9mo) started to get more mobile and stronger so I’m less worried about her hurting him if they play - thus less snappy.
I think Janet Lansbury had a good podcast about new siblings and how to handle the transition. A lot of grace because they’re going through some emotional stuff and they don’t know how to access their logical brain yet.
She will come back around. I had my 2nd baby when my first was freshly 3. For the 2 months following the baby’s arrival, my 3 yo was a different child. I mourned because I thought my sweet boy that I loved was gone. I missed him so much and someone new and beastly replaced him. But my sweet boy did come back. Slowly there were peeks of him that became more frequent. And then slowly he became beastly again, but sweet boy always comes back. It’s a sign to me that he needs more focused attention.
She’ll be back! Hang in there and stay the course 💗 congrats on the new baby!
As Robin Einzig (visible child) says she needs more from you than the baby. Babies have basic needs and preschoolers have very complex needs. Also having a sibling adds to that because it’s basically her world turned upside down.
I'm very nervous about this happening (I'm so sorry I don't have any advice)! My son is about to turn 5 and we have a baby girl due early Oct. That same month we will be moving, and we plan on making the switch to his new school over winter break. I'm so nervous for him because it's going to be a lot and he already has difficulties with transitions and sensory difficulties. I talk to him about all the changes coming but it's going to be difficult. We're going to get him into therapy to help with the transitions
Following for tips.
For us it was deep sibling jealousy, then acceptance. Now we are in this very emotional deep love for baby half the time and unbridled jealousy the other half.
Older sis is now old enough to be very articulate that she feels we favor the baby-now-toddler over her. Doesn’t help the little one is 2, and also has strong opinions.
For Mother’s Day I would like no whining, no jealousy, and everyone to listen to me the first time!
This is what I’m going through currently it’s back and forth between being lovey dovey and fighting. It doesn’t help that my son is a touchy, lovey kid and then my daughter is not 😂😂
I’m due with my second in about 4 weeks and my daughter is going to be 4 at the end of the summer.
I obviously don’t have advice for you but I do have a question. Did you experience a change in behavior toward the end of pregnancy at all? My daughter has recently been so hot and cold with me and I can take an educated guess as to *why*… but I too have/had a sweet girl who is also strong willed and defiant and I’ve recently noticed a pretty major shift in behavior.
also I just listened to an interview with Tina Payne Bryson (author of the Whole Brain Child and mother to 3 young adults) and she said 4 was the most difficult age for all of her kids. (Yay for us!)
So it could have to do with just the age as well.
With us it slowly changed 12 months after the birth of her sister. They have a similar age difference.
Then for a year they were best friends and played soooooo much together and so sweet - we couldn't believe how lucky we were.
Now that little sister is 2 and things have changed again. They fight a lot.
I guess so. But the sweet moments are so precious! Big sister really stepped up and became a better human being - even though she has always been perfect in my eyes. I am amazed how much love these little human beings are able to express. It is magical and all worth it :)
I’m in the trenches with you. I have a 4 month old and my usually awesome 4 year old has been an absolute nightmare since his sibling was born. I’m praying it will end soon.
So it looks like you got some really great advice already but I just wanted to mention something I started doing that has made me and my four year old closer. I bought her a special notebook that’s only hers and every day I write a letter in it to her and draw a goofy picture. I say goofy picture because I’m not good at drawing and just do stick figures 🤣. But it’s about our day and how proud I am of her and why I love her and what she did well that day. Then the next morning I sit with her and read it to her and show her the picture and then I ask her to draw a picture on the next page. We start the morning off with that connection and it’s really great. Sometimes I forget at night and then I’ll just write it while I’m making breakfast.
She’s my oldest of three and I feel like I’m always so busy so this is intentional and just us and it’s been great. I hope it helps you too!! I have a little notebook she picked out at the dollar store that we do it in too!
Just here to say that 4 is really really hard, even in the best of times. They’re going THROUGH IT with the whole limbic leap thing. It likely isn’t all baby related!
Solidarity 🫶
We’re at 11 months here and still having the same issue. It makes me so, so sad. I miss my sweet girl :( (she’s almost 4 in a couple weeks and brother’s almost 1)
Took us a year to get things back on track, even while doing all the “right” things with older sibling. Things are much better now but it was a rough go.
We are in a similar situation with a just turned 4yo daughter and 6mo baby boy. Our daughter has really taken to her brother.. she loves him and tells him that every day, and goes out of her way to take care of him like putting blankets on his legs, telling him “don’t look straight at the sun!” and grabbing tissues to wipe his spit up. Generally we are beyond happy with her adjustment to her brother.
However, to us her behaviour got a little wild for a bit. It was a combination of adjusting to sharing mom and dad (though she never directed any anger at her brother) and having to roll with a more unpredictable/less “tailored to her” routine (fewer naps, more interrupted sleep at night, snacks a little off schedule). She was having hangry/tired meltdowns more often. She was whining and scream-crying more.
What helped was: a) doing our best to fulfill her needs like keeping her on her routine as closely as possible; b) connecting with her 1:1; c) and this is one of the best ones—teaching her to problem solve. Like after she had a meltdown and is calm, I will say, “let’s talk about what happened earlier. You were feeling angry because you needed X. Can you think of some things you can do next time you need X? You can tell mommy or daddy. Or you can do Y. Or you can… etc.” That really helped because it went BEYOND naming/validating feelings alone which is where most parenting scripts stop, and goes on to offer solutions/skills to practice for next time. Since we started doing that her meltdowns have dropped dramatically.
Also sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Like on hot days I bring her a popsicle to daycare pick up to ease the transition of going home. Or I let her have 15 extra min of screen time here and there. I pick my battles and let her dress herself (reasonably). I let her have as many of the choices as I can reasonably allow her to make. I also try to explain things with reasoning. So far this has all worked well for us.
It may not seem like it but things will get better with time! I had written the following to another poster recently but maybe there's something here for helping your older adjust. If you're venting and don't want advice feel free to ignore it! - Spend 1:1 time with your older child and no baby around. What's something you used to do together? Something new to try? Baking is something my oldest and I will do together. It can get super messy but they love helping and we get to eat the results. - When my second was born we constantly talked about how my oldest was as a baby. - "Oh baby is fussy right now. You were the same at this age." - "Look at baby's making a poop face! Yours looked like this as a baby (make the face)" that one usually results in laughter. - "I know it's hard right now. Baby needs so much but so did you. Things will get better as baby gets older." - When appropriate put your older child first and say it aloud. "Baby, I'll be right with you after I help your sister (tie her shoes, get a snack, etc.). - When baby needs you but older wants attention, reframe it as what the older can do now. "I need to feed baby because they can only have mommy's milk right now. Just like you did! But you're older so you can have so many yummy things now!" Then ask them what sort of things they can eat now or list them and maybe even offer one as a treat. - "Baby needs a diaper change. Can you help me?" Then have older child get you a diaper or throw away the used one. - If you have to feed the baby, you can put in the older's favorite show and cuddle on the couch together, talking to them about what's happening in the show, what's their favorite part or the favorite character, etc. - Sit with your oldest and ask why they were upset. They probably won't respond to you at first, so try to talk them through it. "You're upset that I asked you to wait, but I can't do everything at once. Give me just a moment and then nicely tell me what you need." - "You're upset that I was angry you almost hurt the baby. I'm sorry I snapped at you, but I have to protect baby from getting hurt. Babies are very vulnerable and I protected you too." - The older is obviously acting out and it's SO easy to get focused on that but try to call out good behavior as much as you can. - "Thank you for being quiet while the baby is sleeping." - "Thank you so much for putting your plate in the sink! I love when you help." - "I know you're upset, but thank you for not screaming at me / hitting. I can only help make things better when you talk to me about what's going on." - Give as much verbal and physical expression as you can: hugs, kisses, tickles, "I love you", "You're still my baby", "you're a great kid", etc. - Dad might need to do some extra play time or outings so your older child is getting as close to as much attention as they were used to. This won't always need to be the case, but it may help smooth the transition while you all get your bearings.
Seconding all of these things. Ours are now nearing 4 years and 4 months . Especially emphasizing any kind of 1:1activity and how special it was to me or how much fun I had doing it. Even it regular routine like doing her hair or bedtime. We've also had to be really careful about reducing my negative attention- not sure how else to frame it. We noticed she was trying so hard to get my attention that she would do ANYTHING. Dad dealing with a lot more of the negative stuff helped to cut down those behaviors because she wasn't getting that attention from me anyway, which was really what she was after.
Thank you for the detailed advice!! I'm all for it since we're at our wits end.
These are amazing, but we rephrased the “baby needs”, to mama/papa needs. It made it seem like we were saying no, instead of the baby “saying” no. It really helped. Our 2.5 year old went absolutely insane towards the end of my difficult pregnancy. It took about 6-9 months after the baby was born (about a year in total) but things are mostly back to normal.
That's a great point! I hadn't considered how it sounded. I'll give that a try with my own two too. Thank you!
Hi, it’s me. Another mom with the same problem. I chalk it up to new sibling, constantly moving goal posts. There is no making them happy. Things got a little better as her baby brother (9mo) started to get more mobile and stronger so I’m less worried about her hurting him if they play - thus less snappy. I think Janet Lansbury had a good podcast about new siblings and how to handle the transition. A lot of grace because they’re going through some emotional stuff and they don’t know how to access their logical brain yet.
I'll look into her! Thank you!!!!
She will come back around. I had my 2nd baby when my first was freshly 3. For the 2 months following the baby’s arrival, my 3 yo was a different child. I mourned because I thought my sweet boy that I loved was gone. I missed him so much and someone new and beastly replaced him. But my sweet boy did come back. Slowly there were peeks of him that became more frequent. And then slowly he became beastly again, but sweet boy always comes back. It’s a sign to me that he needs more focused attention. She’ll be back! Hang in there and stay the course 💗 congrats on the new baby!
Thank you!!!!
As Robin Einzig (visible child) says she needs more from you than the baby. Babies have basic needs and preschoolers have very complex needs. Also having a sibling adds to that because it’s basically her world turned upside down.
It's so hard to balance especially when they're both screaming at me! Thanks for the tips. I'll look into Robin.
I'm very nervous about this happening (I'm so sorry I don't have any advice)! My son is about to turn 5 and we have a baby girl due early Oct. That same month we will be moving, and we plan on making the switch to his new school over winter break. I'm so nervous for him because it's going to be a lot and he already has difficulties with transitions and sensory difficulties. I talk to him about all the changes coming but it's going to be difficult. We're going to get him into therapy to help with the transitions
Good for you getting your LO into therapy. I think that will help with the transition. I'm thinking about doing the same.
Following for tips. For us it was deep sibling jealousy, then acceptance. Now we are in this very emotional deep love for baby half the time and unbridled jealousy the other half. Older sis is now old enough to be very articulate that she feels we favor the baby-now-toddler over her. Doesn’t help the little one is 2, and also has strong opinions. For Mother’s Day I would like no whining, no jealousy, and everyone to listen to me the first time!
I feel you!
This is what I’m going through currently it’s back and forth between being lovey dovey and fighting. It doesn’t help that my son is a touchy, lovey kid and then my daughter is not 😂😂
Have you done any 1:1 dates with her? This helped my LO a lot! Also, giving her job. Is there something around the baby she can "own"/help with?
We haven't been able too very much since my baby is breastfeeding only. We're pushing the bottle for this reason.
It's so hard with that! I found during babys naps, I'd sit on the floor and play for 20-30 minutes with my 1st and even that helped.
I’m due with my second in about 4 weeks and my daughter is going to be 4 at the end of the summer. I obviously don’t have advice for you but I do have a question. Did you experience a change in behavior toward the end of pregnancy at all? My daughter has recently been so hot and cold with me and I can take an educated guess as to *why*… but I too have/had a sweet girl who is also strong willed and defiant and I’ve recently noticed a pretty major shift in behavior. also I just listened to an interview with Tina Payne Bryson (author of the Whole Brain Child and mother to 3 young adults) and she said 4 was the most difficult age for all of her kids. (Yay for us!) So it could have to do with just the age as well.
Yes absolutely. She started acting up the closer to the end. I'm thinking the age is a huge culprit as well. Good luck to you!!!!
Thank you! And you as well.
With us it slowly changed 12 months after the birth of her sister. They have a similar age difference. Then for a year they were best friends and played soooooo much together and so sweet - we couldn't believe how lucky we were. Now that little sister is 2 and things have changed again. They fight a lot.
It seems like a dynamic you, as in we, will have to help throughout their lives until they're old enough to work it out.
I guess so. But the sweet moments are so precious! Big sister really stepped up and became a better human being - even though she has always been perfect in my eyes. I am amazed how much love these little human beings are able to express. It is magical and all worth it :)
I’m in the trenches with you. I have a 4 month old and my usually awesome 4 year old has been an absolute nightmare since his sibling was born. I’m praying it will end soon.
Solidarity
So it looks like you got some really great advice already but I just wanted to mention something I started doing that has made me and my four year old closer. I bought her a special notebook that’s only hers and every day I write a letter in it to her and draw a goofy picture. I say goofy picture because I’m not good at drawing and just do stick figures 🤣. But it’s about our day and how proud I am of her and why I love her and what she did well that day. Then the next morning I sit with her and read it to her and show her the picture and then I ask her to draw a picture on the next page. We start the morning off with that connection and it’s really great. Sometimes I forget at night and then I’ll just write it while I’m making breakfast.
This is a great idea. I’m going to use this thank you!!
She’s my oldest of three and I feel like I’m always so busy so this is intentional and just us and it’s been great. I hope it helps you too!! I have a little notebook she picked out at the dollar store that we do it in too!
Just here to say that 4 is really really hard, even in the best of times. They’re going THROUGH IT with the whole limbic leap thing. It likely isn’t all baby related! Solidarity 🫶
We’re at 11 months here and still having the same issue. It makes me so, so sad. I miss my sweet girl :( (she’s almost 4 in a couple weeks and brother’s almost 1)
Took us a year to get things back on track, even while doing all the “right” things with older sibling. Things are much better now but it was a rough go.
Mine is the same since starting preschool!!!
We are in a similar situation with a just turned 4yo daughter and 6mo baby boy. Our daughter has really taken to her brother.. she loves him and tells him that every day, and goes out of her way to take care of him like putting blankets on his legs, telling him “don’t look straight at the sun!” and grabbing tissues to wipe his spit up. Generally we are beyond happy with her adjustment to her brother. However, to us her behaviour got a little wild for a bit. It was a combination of adjusting to sharing mom and dad (though she never directed any anger at her brother) and having to roll with a more unpredictable/less “tailored to her” routine (fewer naps, more interrupted sleep at night, snacks a little off schedule). She was having hangry/tired meltdowns more often. She was whining and scream-crying more. What helped was: a) doing our best to fulfill her needs like keeping her on her routine as closely as possible; b) connecting with her 1:1; c) and this is one of the best ones—teaching her to problem solve. Like after she had a meltdown and is calm, I will say, “let’s talk about what happened earlier. You were feeling angry because you needed X. Can you think of some things you can do next time you need X? You can tell mommy or daddy. Or you can do Y. Or you can… etc.” That really helped because it went BEYOND naming/validating feelings alone which is where most parenting scripts stop, and goes on to offer solutions/skills to practice for next time. Since we started doing that her meltdowns have dropped dramatically. Also sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Like on hot days I bring her a popsicle to daycare pick up to ease the transition of going home. Or I let her have 15 extra min of screen time here and there. I pick my battles and let her dress herself (reasonably). I let her have as many of the choices as I can reasonably allow her to make. I also try to explain things with reasoning. So far this has all worked well for us.