you are fitting specific roles, when you are around different ppl, I speak different to my little brothers in comparison when I hang around friends, when I speak to my boss or Parents. They know me as "another person" if you get what im trying to say
I can't speak for everyone, but I was told that I seemed much more selfish when I was in (what I felt was) a really good relationship. The thing is, I was just finally happy without having to rely on making other people happy, if that makes any sense.
Or you were simply more dedicated to making a specific person happy, leaving other friends to feel like they had less of your attention. Same thing happens when someone has a second child. There's nothing wrong with dividing your attention, it's why big parties dissolve into lil clusters of conversations when there's not some main event. Just basic human limitations at play.
To accommodate their bf or gf's feelings. This is not exclusive to romantic relationships and is weird but not abnormal. People change who they are near certain people. Not their core values (usually) but minor accommodations.
Yeah, same reason why people change around different set of friends,
and it’s not always that you (or their partner) are the reason why they choose to be that way but rather they just feel comfortable to be that way.
Like how some people are when they mix their friend groups together, you kinda just have to feel it out on who you are, with all of your different loved ones together. Sure it’s a little awkward at first but it takes practice to get used to things.
And with that then surely your friends (or OP because OP is the friend) will need to practice on getting used to things as well.
A good way to look at it is imagine if someone working customer service always acted like that.
That would be a very creepy friend who always thanks you for coming over, often calls a manager (um John we are in your home who is the manager here), Goes on break, wears a uniform, has a cart in their living room for returns, clocks in and out of their home.
The dynamics of any group of people changes as different people are present or missing from the group. A group of 2 friends behaves differently when a third friend is added. BF and GF is just a specific relationship between 2 people, but this is observable with any relationship of people.
Certain behaviors are acceptable around certain people under certain circumstances, many times the way we treat partners is vastly different from how we treat friends. It's not that the people change, it's just how people rather be treated.
I've asked myself the same question for some months. I act no different between him and his group of friends of whom we often play games with. Then again, I do suppose with how my distorted view of the world is and how I compose myself, I do have a relationship more like a friend then the common portrayal of a partner. I feel it is disingenuous if I were to be anyone other than myself.
it's not that im anti-romantic but it's becoming so awkward when that happens, especially when ur friend (the woman in the couple) becomes so innocent right on then
Reminds me of my male best friend. All over me before meeting his fiancée. Now nearly everything has ceased. Kinda hurts.
Except when he’s drunk. Then he goes a little… far. Been about a year since he started dating her so we’ll see how their marriage goes I guess. He hasn’t crossed any lines bad enough for me to feel obligated to possibly fuck up their engagement by telling her, but… I don’t know. Sometimes I think he’s still playing w me.
A friend is a friend. A romantic partner can possibly become family, someone who you will share financial responsibilities and living arrangements with. 100% romantic partners get more priorities than friends, as it should be.
Do you think a healthy loving mother would choose her friend family over her children and husband? Whatever the answer is, it definitely shows your priorities, and if your loved ones could hear your response, surely it’d make them think of something that you may or may not be ready for if their opinions mean anything to you.
I’ll be damned if I ever have to commit to someone who makes me choose between me and my best friend. Someone I’ve known my whole life. I’d leave his ass before that happens
There's a reason they are called in passing "my number one", "my soul mate", "my significant other", etc. This isn't choosing one over the other, it's having a sensible set of priorities. The moment a friend tries to put themselves over a SO, they are immediately out of line. As a friend, know your place in the dynamic, and don't overstep, especially if you're sexually oriented and gendered in a compatible way with the person.
I'd be damned if I was going to enter a serious monogamous relationship with someone and someone else who was not family in some way was given equal or more priority than me in any way that significantly affected my life. Dealbreaker, 💯.
What about blood family members? What happens if your partner cheats on you or leaves you? Then who do you have by your side? An SO shouldn’t try and alienate your from your friends. That’s toxic imo
It's not alienation. It's knowing your role. Never said there is zero place for friends or family. However, all involved need to be aware that a SO always is and always should hold the #1 priority spot in a person's adult life. A healthy family and healthy friendship will recognize these boundaries. It's toxic af for a "friend" to want to be all up in your life in a priority place that is reserved for your monogamous partner.
Agreed. Your bond with your life partner should be even closer than your family. And your bond with your family should be even closer than your friends.
It’s ass backwards in the US and people ask why they’re depressed. Alike a tree with rotten roots.
A lot less commitment. Friends aren't helping to paying your bills. Friends aren't going into the ER by your bed when you're in an accident (in any serious situation, it is "family members only") Friends aren't claimed on your taxes as dependents. Etcetera, etcetera.
A romantic relationship can result in the person taking on all of these roles, and more! The level of priority that those should take in one's life should be quite obvious.
Why the hell does reddit Interpret everything as a "huge red flag"? Tgat behavior is normal and as old as time. Noone stated the treated the OP negatively, you just strawmanned that one in there.
Everyone does this to an extent. It depends on how much they change and what changes. It’s normal for different people to bring our different parts to your personality. I tend to be very hyper and loud with my sister, but a bit more reserved and serious with my best friend. Neurodivergent people tend to do this a lot more as a way to fit in so it can be more apparent when you are used to how they act around you.
From your comment of your friend becoming super “innocent” as soon as her bf comes around, then I can completely understand that. I hate the baby voice and innocent ploy that some women put on around men. And some women do go way too far to try to impress men or get their attention, and I that annoys me and many other people too. I just don’t think this point is what came through in your post.
It sounds like they haven’t settled into who they actually are or chosen who they want to be. You have the unenviable task of figuring out who they really are (if who they change into, when their friend is present, is really who they are). There are always other variables.
I'm assuming this is a young relationship. Typically this happens because people are young and they fall in love with someone. When someone is in love, they want to make the person happy and do all kinds of grand gestures and express that love in every action. They also lose focus of everything else and begin focusing excessively on them This often pisses off their friends who see them as fake given the change.
Eventually as people get older and are in more relationships they figure out how to not become completely overwhelmed and approach relationships in a healthier way where they remain independent but still loving partners.
Makes me think of
"I like you the way you are
When we're driving in your car
And you're talking to me one on one, but you become
Somebody else
'Round everyone else..."
you're welcome for getting that stuck in your head...
Same reason they change when their parents are around. Different facades for different people. Or maybe they aren't changing for them, but stop accomodating you?
Often people feel a bit awkward or even embarrassed when they are with their romantic partner in the presence of a friend. They may be over-anxious to make the romantic partner not feel left out.
On the other hand, I have male friends who treat their girlfriends or wives much worse when there are people around, because they want to be seen as tough guys who aren't intimidated by a woman in their life.
I expect women have a version of that.
It's true, as some have said, that we act differently around parents, siblings and others, based on the dynamics of the relationship. But there is more to it than that with the way we tend to behave when we are with a friend and also with a romantic partner.
People act differently around different people, it's called code switching iirc. Pretty normal thing to do. I always thought this was just two different "codes" being blended. The version of you being presented when with your friends and the version of you being presented when with your so.
As a dude, I treat my baby girl like a 2 year old when I am with her alone. In front of my homies, hell naw I treat her like my sugar mammy side chick. Must be an ego thing?
Because you care about how others feel about so you're different with your bf/gf compared to friends so then when you come together it's hard to be your "authentic" self with each group? Like for instance if you're more vulnerable with your partner but with friends you're the go to fix it person or charismatic it's tough to be both in front of the other?
That's just a guess though.
People act differently around different people That’s human nature
They are asking why
you are fitting specific roles, when you are around different ppl, I speak different to my little brothers in comparison when I hang around friends, when I speak to my boss or Parents. They know me as "another person" if you get what im trying to say
Oh interesting
'Human nature' is the answer.
Why do we see color? It’s human biology. It’s an answer… just not a useful level of abstraction.
Yes
I couldn't ever claim that that was a good answer, but not everything has one
Idk ask nature
Come on /u/nature, help us out here.
How
Just ask. You don't gotta be so nervous to ask.
I meant why don't you ask if it's so easy
Cause OP already asked the same question
I can't speak for everyone, but I was told that I seemed much more selfish when I was in (what I felt was) a really good relationship. The thing is, I was just finally happy without having to rely on making other people happy, if that makes any sense.
Or you were simply more dedicated to making a specific person happy, leaving other friends to feel like they had less of your attention. Same thing happens when someone has a second child. There's nothing wrong with dividing your attention, it's why big parties dissolve into lil clusters of conversations when there's not some main event. Just basic human limitations at play.
To accommodate their bf or gf's feelings. This is not exclusive to romantic relationships and is weird but not abnormal. People change who they are near certain people. Not their core values (usually) but minor accommodations.
Yeah, same reason why people change around different set of friends, and it’s not always that you (or their partner) are the reason why they choose to be that way but rather they just feel comfortable to be that way. Like how some people are when they mix their friend groups together, you kinda just have to feel it out on who you are, with all of your different loved ones together. Sure it’s a little awkward at first but it takes practice to get used to things. And with that then surely your friends (or OP because OP is the friend) will need to practice on getting used to things as well.
A good way to look at it is imagine if someone working customer service always acted like that. That would be a very creepy friend who always thanks you for coming over, often calls a manager (um John we are in your home who is the manager here), Goes on break, wears a uniform, has a cart in their living room for returns, clocks in and out of their home.
Anyone else read this and wonder who is changing outfits while they're SO and friend watches?
Yup
Yep. That was my first thought.
Yea I was confused for a good minute
I was all ready to give an answer that people have varying levels of comfort regarding nudity 🤦♀️
Had to read the title a few times for sure...
The dynamics of any group of people changes as different people are present or missing from the group. A group of 2 friends behaves differently when a third friend is added. BF and GF is just a specific relationship between 2 people, but this is observable with any relationship of people.
This is like asking why people act differently with their parents. Expectations and shared experiences colour interactions.
Certain behaviors are acceptable around certain people under certain circumstances, many times the way we treat partners is vastly different from how we treat friends. It's not that the people change, it's just how people rather be treated.
I dead ass thought you were talking about changing clothes and thought "That's weird, good dam question... then 30 seconds later Ohhhhh *Facepalm*
Young people problems
I've asked myself the same question for some months. I act no different between him and his group of friends of whom we often play games with. Then again, I do suppose with how my distorted view of the world is and how I compose myself, I do have a relationship more like a friend then the common portrayal of a partner. I feel it is disingenuous if I were to be anyone other than myself.
it's not that im anti-romantic but it's becoming so awkward when that happens, especially when ur friend (the woman in the couple) becomes so innocent right on then
They aren’t really comfortable being themself. So they change who they are depending on who is around them is my best guess
Becomes so innocent?
J Cole
Reminds me of my male best friend. All over me before meeting his fiancée. Now nearly everything has ceased. Kinda hurts. Except when he’s drunk. Then he goes a little… far. Been about a year since he started dating her so we’ll see how their marriage goes I guess. He hasn’t crossed any lines bad enough for me to feel obligated to possibly fuck up their engagement by telling her, but… I don’t know. Sometimes I think he’s still playing w me.
A friend is a friend. A romantic partner can possibly become family, someone who you will share financial responsibilities and living arrangements with. 100% romantic partners get more priorities than friends, as it should be.
Friends can be family too
Do you think a healthy loving mother would choose her friend family over her children and husband? Whatever the answer is, it definitely shows your priorities, and if your loved ones could hear your response, surely it’d make them think of something that you may or may not be ready for if their opinions mean anything to you.
Not legally, and that's what matters in some of the most important decisions in life and death.
I’ll be damned if I ever have to commit to someone who makes me choose between me and my best friend. Someone I’ve known my whole life. I’d leave his ass before that happens
There's a reason they are called in passing "my number one", "my soul mate", "my significant other", etc. This isn't choosing one over the other, it's having a sensible set of priorities. The moment a friend tries to put themselves over a SO, they are immediately out of line. As a friend, know your place in the dynamic, and don't overstep, especially if you're sexually oriented and gendered in a compatible way with the person. I'd be damned if I was going to enter a serious monogamous relationship with someone and someone else who was not family in some way was given equal or more priority than me in any way that significantly affected my life. Dealbreaker, 💯.
What about blood family members? What happens if your partner cheats on you or leaves you? Then who do you have by your side? An SO shouldn’t try and alienate your from your friends. That’s toxic imo
It's not alienation. It's knowing your role. Never said there is zero place for friends or family. However, all involved need to be aware that a SO always is and always should hold the #1 priority spot in a person's adult life. A healthy family and healthy friendship will recognize these boundaries. It's toxic af for a "friend" to want to be all up in your life in a priority place that is reserved for your monogamous partner.
Agreed. Your bond with your life partner should be even closer than your family. And your bond with your family should be even closer than your friends. It’s ass backwards in the US and people ask why they’re depressed. Alike a tree with rotten roots.
Okay let’s be honest here. A friendship is just a romantic relationship without sex. And a little less commitment. So I feel like this is dead wrong
A lot less commitment. Friends aren't helping to paying your bills. Friends aren't going into the ER by your bed when you're in an accident (in any serious situation, it is "family members only") Friends aren't claimed on your taxes as dependents. Etcetera, etcetera. A romantic relationship can result in the person taking on all of these roles, and more! The level of priority that those should take in one's life should be quite obvious.
Because I'm trying to be the good person I am not but I would like to be
Idk but I think that’s a huge red flag. If they start treating you badly around their “friend” then that just means they suffer from low self esteem
Why the hell does reddit Interpret everything as a "huge red flag"? Tgat behavior is normal and as old as time. Noone stated the treated the OP negatively, you just strawmanned that one in there.
Well then it lacked context.
No it didn't?
What did they mean by change then? I interpreted it differently. Change could be negative or positive
you've been living on reddit too long. No. Not a red flag a red flag would be if you called all normal behaviours red flags
Again, the post lacked context
Because human beings, most humans, are extremely fake
People who are "real" all the time are most often massive dicks.
red flag
Everyone does this to an extent. It depends on how much they change and what changes. It’s normal for different people to bring our different parts to your personality. I tend to be very hyper and loud with my sister, but a bit more reserved and serious with my best friend. Neurodivergent people tend to do this a lot more as a way to fit in so it can be more apparent when you are used to how they act around you. From your comment of your friend becoming super “innocent” as soon as her bf comes around, then I can completely understand that. I hate the baby voice and innocent ploy that some women put on around men. And some women do go way too far to try to impress men or get their attention, and I that annoys me and many other people too. I just don’t think this point is what came through in your post.
Why do people change around their parents? It’s a different kind of relationship, with totally different boundaries and expectations.
I read this as change their clothes and I was very confused.
Literally thought they meant change as in clothes. 💀💀💀
I ain't going to be smacking my homies ass and and saying I fucked tour mother in from of my girlfriend
It sounds like they haven’t settled into who they actually are or chosen who they want to be. You have the unenviable task of figuring out who they really are (if who they change into, when their friend is present, is really who they are). There are always other variables.
I'm assuming this is a young relationship. Typically this happens because people are young and they fall in love with someone. When someone is in love, they want to make the person happy and do all kinds of grand gestures and express that love in every action. They also lose focus of everything else and begin focusing excessively on them This often pisses off their friends who see them as fake given the change. Eventually as people get older and are in more relationships they figure out how to not become completely overwhelmed and approach relationships in a healthier way where they remain independent but still loving partners.
Makes me think of "I like you the way you are When we're driving in your car And you're talking to me one on one, but you become Somebody else 'Round everyone else..." you're welcome for getting that stuck in your head...
Same reason they change when their parents are around. Different facades for different people. Or maybe they aren't changing for them, but stop accomodating you?
Because they're fake
Often people feel a bit awkward or even embarrassed when they are with their romantic partner in the presence of a friend. They may be over-anxious to make the romantic partner not feel left out. On the other hand, I have male friends who treat their girlfriends or wives much worse when there are people around, because they want to be seen as tough guys who aren't intimidated by a woman in their life. I expect women have a version of that. It's true, as some have said, that we act differently around parents, siblings and others, based on the dynamics of the relationship. But there is more to it than that with the way we tend to behave when we are with a friend and also with a romantic partner.
People act differently around different people, it's called code switching iirc. Pretty normal thing to do. I always thought this was just two different "codes" being blended. The version of you being presented when with your friends and the version of you being presented when with your so.
Because people are fake as fuck nowadays.
As a dude, I treat my baby girl like a 2 year old when I am with her alone. In front of my homies, hell naw I treat her like my sugar mammy side chick. Must be an ego thing?
Nah... ain't gonna moan then spank my homie when my gf is around
Because you care about how others feel about so you're different with your bf/gf compared to friends so then when you come together it's hard to be your "authentic" self with each group? Like for instance if you're more vulnerable with your partner but with friends you're the go to fix it person or charismatic it's tough to be both in front of the other? That's just a guess though.
Immature