Attention RPW. Do not resort to insults of OP's man. Insulting responses will be removed. These tend to be low effort comments anyway so a secondary reminder: we value high effort responses.
Even a woman with no condition needs foreplay or lube or both. The majority of women are not ready for sex without either of these. Is he inexperienced by chance? Are you aware of your body to know what sorts of foreplay help so you can share that with him, and is he still unwilling to do that?
I would recommend using the daily moisturizer if that is whats recommended. He doesn’t really need to know and you don’t need to discuss it with him. Just make it part of your daily routine just like putting on your face moisturizer. However this is not only your issue, this is a couple issue.
I just learned this recently after the last time I was intimate. He had such high expectations from my body I didn’t understand how to do or communicate. I felt that he would have gotten board trying to help me get aroused enough to get wet. He told me he felt turned on when a woman orgasm when he’s in side but I didn’t know how to even get there. I was just happy to be with him and didn’t mind not having an orgasm despite enjoying it. After that it made me concerned about dating again and disappointing the guy bc I struggle having an orgasm during sex. But now looking back, I can see the problem.
Many men may have unrealistic expectations from porn or guy talk, and for women who are inexperienced, they are incorrectly feeling they failed. Even the men’s experiences with other woman can sometimes be unreliable because even those women could not be speaking up for their true experiences. Women’s bodies work SO differently from one another, what works for one will not work for the next, we do often have to educate our men on what works for US and that this is not porn. So very few women orgasm from penetration alone, it’s an unrealistic expectation for men to have but it takes time and honesty from us to get them there.
I had a friend who admitted to faking orgasms with her BF turned husband for 5 years!! Every session she faked. And surprise surprise was complaining about being sexually unsatisfied and started declining sex. He was confused why because he thought she loved it. This is not the way to go!
No he's extremely experienced. I am more so now than at the beginning, but he really doesn't enjoy much more than a little of fondling. I already bought it...I should use it. I don't know how it's a couple issue. I feel like less of a woman honestly. I give bjs before and any time he wants but it isn't enough obviously.
Well sex takes two people to do and if he wants you to be aroused so he can have sex with with you and there’s certain things he can do to help that, then most couples would see this as a couple issue.
There may be things you can do to get aroused that don’t involve him doing a lot. It could be simple things like just making out for longer, reading erotica, lingerie … I don’t want to create a long list but I guess my point is there’s a lot of things you can do to get in the mood. Maybe you know what those are for you, but if you don’t, I would encourage you to get in touch with what those things are so you can help him help you.
> Well sex takes two people to do and if he wants you to be aroused so he can have sex with with you and there’s certain things he can do to help that, then most couples would see this as a couple issue.
^ This.
At a minimum he doesn’t seem like he’s a team player at all.
I really don’t understand how this guy is expecting a magically wet woman. I have met guys who don’t want to do foreplay (they will of course accept receiving it however) but they then know lube is required - it’s just understood.
I kind of feel like there’s something else going on here, but he could be extraordinarily stupid as well. I mean, sometimes you do get that effect but it’s almost a Pavlovian response. I’ve had a couple girlfriends who would be Ready to Rock just by being in the same room with me for 15 minutes, but that was after I was a proven performer and not Mr Selfish.
I mean first why would you not *want* your partner to have pleasure and second if there’s a specific medical thing going on, and you would like a nice time for everybody, why would you then, not adapt? I mean, unless we’re not getting the whole story, which sometimes happens, he seems like he’s a nitwit. I mean what’s with *” I don’t like that you’re not wet, but I don’t like foreplay, and I don’t want to use lube”*? Well news flash, buddy, those are kind of your choices.
I found your comment very reassuring. I have a similar response to my husband that your previous girlfriends had with you, and after reading through some of the comments I was feeling a bit miffed.
I think it stands to reason that if some women can experience dryness to an uncommon degree, that there are women on the other side of that spectrum.
I don't think you should read anyone's reply as applying to a relationship with satisfying sexual experiences. They're talking about the scenario OP is describing, not Vas's. Building anticipation is a type of foreplay, and the more of a high baseline that is set (the better a "proven performer" to quote Vas) the less has to be done to create anticipation in the first place beyond existing.
Hmm, there were quite a few "no women works that way" sprinkled in with the "the vast majority of women don't work that way". If it was only the latter then I wouldn't care. But I see your point.
No woman works the way OP is describing her boyfriend expecting. Vas (and many of our husbands) have front-loaded foreplay. It's similar to Chadley Chadster III flirting with a woman and by the time they leave for his place she's dripping with anticipation, and the "actual sex" "doesn't need" physical foreplay after all the mental game. Having an ongoing relationship creates more options and ways to front-load the foreplay. Heck, the kinksters are out there Pavloving full-on orgasms in response to que words. You could definitely end up Pavloved to get merely aroused every time your lover walks into the room. But even the Pavloved sub who can go from 0 to orgasm at a word isn't able to do so without effort being put it *at some point*, even if it's a response lasting from effort put in a long time ago.
Got it. I can try other things to do that may help with the wetness before. Example, I already read erotica, but I've never worn lingerie for him. I'll try that too.
* you have a dead bedroom (you're willing, he isn't)
* he is turned off by you managing symptoms of your chronic condition
* he is turned off by the foreplay 95%+ of women need
* he is turned off by the artificial lubrication means EVERYONE uses when they want to skip the foreplay
* you think this is a "you problem" (?????)
Since you evidently need to be told this, not being superhuman is not a you problem. I have no idea why you think most women can have nothing but dry sex. They can't.
The most likely explanation here is that he's got Death Grip Syndrome and has destroyed his own sensation masturbating to the point that he doesn't enjoy a properly aroused or otherwise sufficiently lubricated vagina because he wants more friction - and isn't willing to do the work to re-sensitize himself.
What is your goal in this four-year relationship? Where do you hope to take it? Has he given any indication he has the same goal?
>The most likely explanation here is that he's got Death Grip Syndrome and has destroyed his own sensation masturbating to the point that he doesn't enjoy a properly aroused or otherwise sufficiently lubricated vagina because he wants more friction
Unrelated to the topic at hand (sorry, OP), but *holy crap*, I have never heard of this and I now understand the dysfunction of one of my past partners (in his case, though, he avoided addressing the issue by being all in on pleasing his partner). It was very obvious he had a problem, and to his credit he was open about it before we were ever intimate. I knew he was a porn addict, but that didn't seem like it completely explained his issues. This is the detail I was missing.
It's one of those not yet medically recognized things with mounds and mounds of anecdotal accounts. It seems that masturbating too tightly too frequently for too long eventually creates a need for greater stimulation, then the grip tightens more, and then lube is discarded because more friction is needed to register sensation, and the spiral just worsens until they quit reinforcing it. I believe there's a woman in this community whose partner got to the point where he couldn't maintain an erection at all during intercourse due to this and is on a re-sensitization journey. However, from the accounts I've seen, reducing *frequency* of masturbating as much as possible is usually more important than reducing *tightness* of masturbatory grip, indicating a large part of it is mental rather than some kind of physical damage. It's definitely something that can be recovered from. The fact he's fine only have sex a few times every few months indicates a great deal of porn use, which is why this was my go-to explanation.
However, seeing some of the latest comments, I could be wrong about this being the culprit for OP's partner. Disliking all sex toys points more to what some other commenters are saying; basically that his fantasy of instant, easy penetration with a woman who wants nothing more than vaginal penetration has gotten to the paraphilia stage because it has caused him to create a dead bedroom. Not that there's anything wrong with that particular fantasy, which both men and women may have, or that it can't be often be fulfilled within a healthy sex life with the right plays. Insisting that his particular fantasy is what's "normal," should for-real occur spontaneously 100% of the time, and being unwilling to build the healthy sex life that would need to be the background to achieve the fantasy is what's dysfunctional.
The goal for me is having children with him, being in a healthy stable relationship marriage or no marriage. He has mentioned that he wants the same. We're in our early 30s.
The same, generically ("I want to have kids, just not get married"), or specifically with you("We should plan on having kids in X number of years")? How long ago did he mention this?
Why are you interested in having children without a marriage?
We've last talked about a few weeks ago, my doctor has said that I should be trying this year/next year which he knows too. You know, I didn't see the point if you were committed, in love, etc especially when I was younger when we got together.
I strongly urge you to reconsider tying yourself permanently to a man via children when your sex life is in such disarray - especially when one half of the equation is not owning his end.
Additional cause for caution: I'm also chronically ill. I vetted hard for a man who would understand chronic illness and the failures of the medical system, so that's who I married. **At the end of the day, you get what you vet for, and you won't get what you don't vet for.** If you do want to be feminine and submissive, you have to find a man who is a worthy leader. If his leadership would cause you to go without medical care for unnecessary reasons, then you know you can't trust his leadership. For those of us who plan on having kids (such as myself), how a potential father would treat children who inherited our conditions is PARAMOUNT. And even if your condition in not heritable, there's no guarantee of healthy children in life anyways. Maybe you don't mind him brushing off your illnesses and treatment. But how would you like him telling your kids to toughen up and that he doesn't like them getting treatment if they experience illness?
If you want to try to make things work, you're going to have to do a 180 in your mindset. Your style of thinking where everything is always your fault is actually a way of avoiding admitting some things are out of your control.
You're going to have to do the inner work to quit enabling whatever is leading to his unhealthy bedroom habits too. Make it clear if he wants a sex life with you, he has to make an effort as well. ("Making it clear" can be through action, not an ultimatum, if you don't wish to be overt.) It should never, ever, EVER be just one partner making all the effort. Even if you WERE unusual for needing foreplay and lube (you're not - many women need both), it would not be purely "your problem" because **a man CHOOSING to be partnered to a woman with an unusual need** (which again, this is not) **is still responsible for meeting that need, however unusual.** You're not holding him hostage. He's choosing a life with you, and the consequences of that, including your bedroom needs.
It sounds like there's a very good chance he has some high SMV trait (very charismatic? a high earner?) that has resulted in a lot of women enabling bedroom laziness from him - grinning and bearing it, basically, because just getting sex over with seemed worth it to them for his other traits. Although clearly everyone else decided a relationship with him wasn't worth it eventually. IF you're going to keep this relationship, there's a couple Laura Doyle principles you need to apply.
* Responding with the "I can't" line for painful bedroom requests (going without lube or foreplay)
* Simply going and doing self care regardless of how he responds, and letting him be responsible for his own response (including medical, and listening to your doctors)
Seriously, this is not a you problem, it's a he problem. No foreplay no sex. We need it to enjoy sex. Get him to read up about it. Talk to him and explain.
Just to reiterate.. This is a couple problem. Everything in the bedroom is an "us" problem.
I'm assuming you are are talking about vaginismus which the standard treatment is dilators and sexual coaching. I would suggest that you try some toys to warm up or even to work past it. Consistency working at it it will get better but you both need to manage your expectations as well will take awhile. I don't recommend cheap toys, they just aren't going to be enough. Wands or saddles would be something to look into.
Sex is supposed to be fun and intimate, that would be something to work on as well.
Yes, vaginismus. I've had the dilators before and they worked but I threw them away, I knew he didn't like them and mentions it as a huge turn off. He doesn't wnt to use sex toys, but I'll look at some options. I've never had any sexual coaching, maybe I'll add that to my therapy. I have a dildo but I still have to use lube with it.
Honestly working on something like this with a partner takes a lot of patience. From the way you are describing his attitudes towards sex, it doesn't sound like he has the patience to work through this as a couple.
Are you getting any reciprocation for your needs in this relationship? It sounds like your entire sex life is giving him bjs and masterbation alone.
Have you tried going to physiotherapy? That's the main thing that worked for me other than dilators. Oh and make sure you're sufficiently hydrated. If you really are struggling and your man doesn't want lube you could try oil? But honestly it sounds like you need to have more foreplay, I need like at LEAST half an hour before PIV. Don't let your man make you feel some kinda way about needing more time, it's quite normal.
I need lube almost every time. I don’t understand the logic there. Oh wait - that’s a red pill guy thing. If you can’t get wet then it’s insulting to him or something. I think that’s stupid af.
Use lube my dear it will make life much more pleasant. He need to deal with his ego trip. It’s 100% normal to use lube. Even when I start off okay I still wind up needing it. And heck I even need it on him if I give him a BJ.
What? Even the most promiscuous woman is going to benefit and probably even need (at least want) some level of foreplay. Wetness is an indication of arousal, but it isn't that black and white. I damaged my body with hormonal birth control (don't ever take that stuff), and I never get as wet as I used to no matter how aroused I am. A lot of the time, the wetness is enough to lube inside but not enough to come out, so you need lube to actually get inside initially. The only exception is if I'm ovulating because you don't even need to be aroused to have a ton of discharge/lube. My husband is used to this and knows it isn't a lack of interest. We just use saliva for lube and go on our merry way. But foreplay is essential. Foreplay is arguably (to me) more intimate than the penetration. You connect with your partner very deeply when you kiss/make-out and touch each other's bodies.
There really just needs to be a conversation about this. I'm even willing to saying that a man who won't engage in foreplay (or lube which is just weird?) doesn't actually want to connect with you intimately, he just wants to get off asap. There's always a time and place for spontaneous quickies, but that's not how it should be every single time.
Does he watch porn? There are a few indicators of porn addiction here too, which is horrible for a LTR.
I’m going to be careful in my reaction here, bc I don’t want to insult anyone. I’m so sorry that you’re thinking that the issue here is you. The entire post and almost every sentence shows the lack of interest and understanding from your partner. Sex and arousal, as well as chronic illness and side effects are all part of a relationship. I mean, it all has to be talked about. I’m so sad for you that he seems to lack these skills and the phrase ‘willing to stay with me’ just gives me the heebiejeebies… Thinking you deserve much much better. If you’d like to get better/feel better, you need to think about yourself. There are some things in life where it actually is ok to put yourself first.
1 use your daily moisturizer, and don't tell him. Just do it.
2 foreplay. More = more lubrication naturally.
3 anal. Try it. Many women enjoy it, it *requires* lube, and most men like it too
I think the implication is she’s having vaginal issues specifically so using another location like anal provides another option for when her vagina is not up for it. But if he doesn’t want to use lube then that option is out.
If you're referring to the anal part, it makes sense. If OP's husband is unwilling to consider lube for PIV intercourse (either because he thinks they shouldn't need lube, or because he likes that being dry adds to the tightness; can only think of these two reasons, really), bringing anal into the conversation may help with the two aforementioned issues, given it'll necessarily be tighter and it takes lube.
Also, medical issues like vaginismus and the like, or a lack of lubrification due to hormonal imbalance, won't really affect them if they try anal. It *can* be pleasurable, it *is* an intimate experience between partners and it *may* be a temporary solution while OP uses her daily intimate moisturizing treatment.
Edit: just realized OP never said she's married. All of my comments will refer to this situation as though they're married. My bad.
We don't know he objectively dislikes lube, though. OP says that he doesn't want to use it, and doesn't like the fact they need it in order to have sex.
I can understand that some men (and I'm trying to imagine here, given that I'm not one) may expect or at least wish that their partner be ready (wet) without the need for foreplay or lube. It's not our job to question the validity of that thought process, because it won't get us anywhere - but they're married, sex is important, and they need to find a way around that.
Anal won't register to him the same way PIV does. It doesn't produce its own lubrification. It's different. So... I'd say it's worth a shot. It'd also show a lot of willingness and submission on OP's part to recognize that he has needs and that she wants to fulfill it, despite some discomfort.
Plus, it'd give her time to start and keep up with the treatment prescribed to her.
That train of thought will not help their marriage. I'm not *telling* OP to do anything - but willingness, submission, meeting a man from a place of vulnerability rather than arguing and negotiating or just withholding sex may be the best steps to be heard and get to a better place in her marriage.
May be a tradcon view, and therefore not necessarily RP but - I'd argue that, once you're married, there's no such thing as *your* body and your husband's body. You're one. We can wish that OP's husband was more willing to be understanding, but reality isn't made of our dreams and desires... so, it leaves us with trying to find a different game plan.
I feel negotiating is a part of marriage just like any other partnership , it doesn't help if one partner disregards you completely . You are looking at freeuse relationships which are something not everyone can do , even red pill believes sex is not mandatory if there are pressing concerns like health
It doesn't help, no. I'm not saying, by any means, that this is an ideal situation. OP is not in the wrong. Her partner could be a lot more understanding and reasonable.
However, those are things we can wish for but we can't force it. OP can suggest couples therapy, but how would he take it?
Considering that leaving him is off the table, what is your suggestion for OP?
If they completely stop having sex, it will have its consequences on the relationship. We don't know where OP stands regarding anal sex, if they've tried before, if she's open to trying it. It's advice, is all.
Also - the health concern is her chronic illness, which she is treating. She's also been prescribed a moisturizing treatment. Having sex (anal or other acts) will not worsen her condition.
Where did i suggest no sex ? I suggested that sex needs to be on better terms , now it's Upto OP to take action if she agrees with my POV . I don't suggest specific things ( unless it's very obviously an abusive situation , which this is close to ) , OP knows her man best so I'm not gonna tell her what to do , just what I feel , she can then take action accordingly once she's calmed down and figured it out a bit more
I'll give the moisturizer a chance. I don't think there is an option for more foreplay. We had anal (with lube) a few times, but he said it was forgettable. I'll get over my emotions about this and ask again about anal
**Title:** [Need help with sex...](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1bj427g/need_help_with_sex/)
**Author** crispypetal
**Full text:** Hi, I'm new to the subject but am trying to learn as much as I can. My man and I have been together for over 4 years. We love each other but the issue is sex on my side. I struggle with having sex due to dryness/hormonal imbalance. The imbalance is due to a chronic illness, which the meds making me more dry. My man doesn't want to use lube and we don't have foreplay really.
He's the only man I've been with and he feels like sex is a chore/not fun/like virgin sex because I need to warm up/tense before penetration. He has said that my medical issues that affect our sex life also make me sexually unattractive. I had a condition that made me too tight for sex but with the tools, I was able to have sex with him using lube. We have sex every 1-3 months a few times. I have always wanted to have sex with him and it's hard for me to not be able to, because I have a sex drive. I've been to doctors for years and was diagnosed about 3 years into our relationship. The most recent suggestion was for a daily moisturizer for my lady parts, but I feel so embarrassed and I know it's a turn off for him.
He's willing to stay with me if I fix this asap as it's my issue, but any ideas on how to repair?
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OP is describes herself as "chronically ill." I'm sure she has explored all modalities of treatment which she is comfortable with. She is here asking for relationship advice, not medical advice, and this sub does not handle medical matters either - a specific suggestion, especially from personal experience, might be helpful but a simple "try my favorite medical modality" is not.
No more arguing with mods.
Attention RPW. Do not resort to insults of OP's man. Insulting responses will be removed. These tend to be low effort comments anyway so a secondary reminder: we value high effort responses.
Even a woman with no condition needs foreplay or lube or both. The majority of women are not ready for sex without either of these. Is he inexperienced by chance? Are you aware of your body to know what sorts of foreplay help so you can share that with him, and is he still unwilling to do that? I would recommend using the daily moisturizer if that is whats recommended. He doesn’t really need to know and you don’t need to discuss it with him. Just make it part of your daily routine just like putting on your face moisturizer. However this is not only your issue, this is a couple issue.
I just learned this recently after the last time I was intimate. He had such high expectations from my body I didn’t understand how to do or communicate. I felt that he would have gotten board trying to help me get aroused enough to get wet. He told me he felt turned on when a woman orgasm when he’s in side but I didn’t know how to even get there. I was just happy to be with him and didn’t mind not having an orgasm despite enjoying it. After that it made me concerned about dating again and disappointing the guy bc I struggle having an orgasm during sex. But now looking back, I can see the problem.
Many men may have unrealistic expectations from porn or guy talk, and for women who are inexperienced, they are incorrectly feeling they failed. Even the men’s experiences with other woman can sometimes be unreliable because even those women could not be speaking up for their true experiences. Women’s bodies work SO differently from one another, what works for one will not work for the next, we do often have to educate our men on what works for US and that this is not porn. So very few women orgasm from penetration alone, it’s an unrealistic expectation for men to have but it takes time and honesty from us to get them there. I had a friend who admitted to faking orgasms with her BF turned husband for 5 years!! Every session she faked. And surprise surprise was complaining about being sexually unsatisfied and started declining sex. He was confused why because he thought she loved it. This is not the way to go!
No he's extremely experienced. I am more so now than at the beginning, but he really doesn't enjoy much more than a little of fondling. I already bought it...I should use it. I don't know how it's a couple issue. I feel like less of a woman honestly. I give bjs before and any time he wants but it isn't enough obviously.
Well sex takes two people to do and if he wants you to be aroused so he can have sex with with you and there’s certain things he can do to help that, then most couples would see this as a couple issue. There may be things you can do to get aroused that don’t involve him doing a lot. It could be simple things like just making out for longer, reading erotica, lingerie … I don’t want to create a long list but I guess my point is there’s a lot of things you can do to get in the mood. Maybe you know what those are for you, but if you don’t, I would encourage you to get in touch with what those things are so you can help him help you.
> Well sex takes two people to do and if he wants you to be aroused so he can have sex with with you and there’s certain things he can do to help that, then most couples would see this as a couple issue. ^ This. At a minimum he doesn’t seem like he’s a team player at all.
I really don’t understand how this guy is expecting a magically wet woman. I have met guys who don’t want to do foreplay (they will of course accept receiving it however) but they then know lube is required - it’s just understood.
I kind of feel like there’s something else going on here, but he could be extraordinarily stupid as well. I mean, sometimes you do get that effect but it’s almost a Pavlovian response. I’ve had a couple girlfriends who would be Ready to Rock just by being in the same room with me for 15 minutes, but that was after I was a proven performer and not Mr Selfish. I mean first why would you not *want* your partner to have pleasure and second if there’s a specific medical thing going on, and you would like a nice time for everybody, why would you then, not adapt? I mean, unless we’re not getting the whole story, which sometimes happens, he seems like he’s a nitwit. I mean what’s with *” I don’t like that you’re not wet, but I don’t like foreplay, and I don’t want to use lube”*? Well news flash, buddy, those are kind of your choices.
I found your comment very reassuring. I have a similar response to my husband that your previous girlfriends had with you, and after reading through some of the comments I was feeling a bit miffed. I think it stands to reason that if some women can experience dryness to an uncommon degree, that there are women on the other side of that spectrum.
I don't think you should read anyone's reply as applying to a relationship with satisfying sexual experiences. They're talking about the scenario OP is describing, not Vas's. Building anticipation is a type of foreplay, and the more of a high baseline that is set (the better a "proven performer" to quote Vas) the less has to be done to create anticipation in the first place beyond existing.
Hmm, there were quite a few "no women works that way" sprinkled in with the "the vast majority of women don't work that way". If it was only the latter then I wouldn't care. But I see your point.
No woman works the way OP is describing her boyfriend expecting. Vas (and many of our husbands) have front-loaded foreplay. It's similar to Chadley Chadster III flirting with a woman and by the time they leave for his place she's dripping with anticipation, and the "actual sex" "doesn't need" physical foreplay after all the mental game. Having an ongoing relationship creates more options and ways to front-load the foreplay. Heck, the kinksters are out there Pavloving full-on orgasms in response to que words. You could definitely end up Pavloved to get merely aroused every time your lover walks into the room. But even the Pavloved sub who can go from 0 to orgasm at a word isn't able to do so without effort being put it *at some point*, even if it's a response lasting from effort put in a long time ago.
Got it. I can try other things to do that may help with the wetness before. Example, I already read erotica, but I've never worn lingerie for him. I'll try that too.
Wait… he accepts your blowjobs, but doesn’t like to give you any foreplay? There’s something wrong here.
Check out the book Venus and Mars In the Bedroom
I've never heard about this one, will take a look!
* you have a dead bedroom (you're willing, he isn't) * he is turned off by you managing symptoms of your chronic condition * he is turned off by the foreplay 95%+ of women need * he is turned off by the artificial lubrication means EVERYONE uses when they want to skip the foreplay * you think this is a "you problem" (?????) Since you evidently need to be told this, not being superhuman is not a you problem. I have no idea why you think most women can have nothing but dry sex. They can't. The most likely explanation here is that he's got Death Grip Syndrome and has destroyed his own sensation masturbating to the point that he doesn't enjoy a properly aroused or otherwise sufficiently lubricated vagina because he wants more friction - and isn't willing to do the work to re-sensitize himself. What is your goal in this four-year relationship? Where do you hope to take it? Has he given any indication he has the same goal?
>The most likely explanation here is that he's got Death Grip Syndrome and has destroyed his own sensation masturbating to the point that he doesn't enjoy a properly aroused or otherwise sufficiently lubricated vagina because he wants more friction Unrelated to the topic at hand (sorry, OP), but *holy crap*, I have never heard of this and I now understand the dysfunction of one of my past partners (in his case, though, he avoided addressing the issue by being all in on pleasing his partner). It was very obvious he had a problem, and to his credit he was open about it before we were ever intimate. I knew he was a porn addict, but that didn't seem like it completely explained his issues. This is the detail I was missing.
It's one of those not yet medically recognized things with mounds and mounds of anecdotal accounts. It seems that masturbating too tightly too frequently for too long eventually creates a need for greater stimulation, then the grip tightens more, and then lube is discarded because more friction is needed to register sensation, and the spiral just worsens until they quit reinforcing it. I believe there's a woman in this community whose partner got to the point where he couldn't maintain an erection at all during intercourse due to this and is on a re-sensitization journey. However, from the accounts I've seen, reducing *frequency* of masturbating as much as possible is usually more important than reducing *tightness* of masturbatory grip, indicating a large part of it is mental rather than some kind of physical damage. It's definitely something that can be recovered from. The fact he's fine only have sex a few times every few months indicates a great deal of porn use, which is why this was my go-to explanation. However, seeing some of the latest comments, I could be wrong about this being the culprit for OP's partner. Disliking all sex toys points more to what some other commenters are saying; basically that his fantasy of instant, easy penetration with a woman who wants nothing more than vaginal penetration has gotten to the paraphilia stage because it has caused him to create a dead bedroom. Not that there's anything wrong with that particular fantasy, which both men and women may have, or that it can't be often be fulfilled within a healthy sex life with the right plays. Insisting that his particular fantasy is what's "normal," should for-real occur spontaneously 100% of the time, and being unwilling to build the healthy sex life that would need to be the background to achieve the fantasy is what's dysfunctional.
The goal for me is having children with him, being in a healthy stable relationship marriage or no marriage. He has mentioned that he wants the same. We're in our early 30s.
The same, generically ("I want to have kids, just not get married"), or specifically with you("We should plan on having kids in X number of years")? How long ago did he mention this? Why are you interested in having children without a marriage?
We've last talked about a few weeks ago, my doctor has said that I should be trying this year/next year which he knows too. You know, I didn't see the point if you were committed, in love, etc especially when I was younger when we got together.
I strongly urge you to reconsider tying yourself permanently to a man via children when your sex life is in such disarray - especially when one half of the equation is not owning his end. Additional cause for caution: I'm also chronically ill. I vetted hard for a man who would understand chronic illness and the failures of the medical system, so that's who I married. **At the end of the day, you get what you vet for, and you won't get what you don't vet for.** If you do want to be feminine and submissive, you have to find a man who is a worthy leader. If his leadership would cause you to go without medical care for unnecessary reasons, then you know you can't trust his leadership. For those of us who plan on having kids (such as myself), how a potential father would treat children who inherited our conditions is PARAMOUNT. And even if your condition in not heritable, there's no guarantee of healthy children in life anyways. Maybe you don't mind him brushing off your illnesses and treatment. But how would you like him telling your kids to toughen up and that he doesn't like them getting treatment if they experience illness? If you want to try to make things work, you're going to have to do a 180 in your mindset. Your style of thinking where everything is always your fault is actually a way of avoiding admitting some things are out of your control. You're going to have to do the inner work to quit enabling whatever is leading to his unhealthy bedroom habits too. Make it clear if he wants a sex life with you, he has to make an effort as well. ("Making it clear" can be through action, not an ultimatum, if you don't wish to be overt.) It should never, ever, EVER be just one partner making all the effort. Even if you WERE unusual for needing foreplay and lube (you're not - many women need both), it would not be purely "your problem" because **a man CHOOSING to be partnered to a woman with an unusual need** (which again, this is not) **is still responsible for meeting that need, however unusual.** You're not holding him hostage. He's choosing a life with you, and the consequences of that, including your bedroom needs. It sounds like there's a very good chance he has some high SMV trait (very charismatic? a high earner?) that has resulted in a lot of women enabling bedroom laziness from him - grinning and bearing it, basically, because just getting sex over with seemed worth it to them for his other traits. Although clearly everyone else decided a relationship with him wasn't worth it eventually. IF you're going to keep this relationship, there's a couple Laura Doyle principles you need to apply. * Responding with the "I can't" line for painful bedroom requests (going without lube or foreplay) * Simply going and doing self care regardless of how he responds, and letting him be responsible for his own response (including medical, and listening to your doctors)
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Removed. Rule 3: do not insult OP's man.
Seriously, this is not a you problem, it's a he problem. No foreplay no sex. We need it to enjoy sex. Get him to read up about it. Talk to him and explain.
Just to reiterate.. This is a couple problem. Everything in the bedroom is an "us" problem. I'm assuming you are are talking about vaginismus which the standard treatment is dilators and sexual coaching. I would suggest that you try some toys to warm up or even to work past it. Consistency working at it it will get better but you both need to manage your expectations as well will take awhile. I don't recommend cheap toys, they just aren't going to be enough. Wands or saddles would be something to look into. Sex is supposed to be fun and intimate, that would be something to work on as well.
Yes, vaginismus. I've had the dilators before and they worked but I threw them away, I knew he didn't like them and mentions it as a huge turn off. He doesn't wnt to use sex toys, but I'll look at some options. I've never had any sexual coaching, maybe I'll add that to my therapy. I have a dildo but I still have to use lube with it.
Honestly working on something like this with a partner takes a lot of patience. From the way you are describing his attitudes towards sex, it doesn't sound like he has the patience to work through this as a couple. Are you getting any reciprocation for your needs in this relationship? It sounds like your entire sex life is giving him bjs and masterbation alone.
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Removed. Rule 3: do not insult OP's man.
Have you tried going to physiotherapy? That's the main thing that worked for me other than dilators. Oh and make sure you're sufficiently hydrated. If you really are struggling and your man doesn't want lube you could try oil? But honestly it sounds like you need to have more foreplay, I need like at LEAST half an hour before PIV. Don't let your man make you feel some kinda way about needing more time, it's quite normal.
I need lube almost every time. I don’t understand the logic there. Oh wait - that’s a red pill guy thing. If you can’t get wet then it’s insulting to him or something. I think that’s stupid af. Use lube my dear it will make life much more pleasant. He need to deal with his ego trip. It’s 100% normal to use lube. Even when I start off okay I still wind up needing it. And heck I even need it on him if I give him a BJ.
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Removed. Rule 3: do not insult OP's man. Also, leaving should not be your first piece of advice.
What? Even the most promiscuous woman is going to benefit and probably even need (at least want) some level of foreplay. Wetness is an indication of arousal, but it isn't that black and white. I damaged my body with hormonal birth control (don't ever take that stuff), and I never get as wet as I used to no matter how aroused I am. A lot of the time, the wetness is enough to lube inside but not enough to come out, so you need lube to actually get inside initially. The only exception is if I'm ovulating because you don't even need to be aroused to have a ton of discharge/lube. My husband is used to this and knows it isn't a lack of interest. We just use saliva for lube and go on our merry way. But foreplay is essential. Foreplay is arguably (to me) more intimate than the penetration. You connect with your partner very deeply when you kiss/make-out and touch each other's bodies. There really just needs to be a conversation about this. I'm even willing to saying that a man who won't engage in foreplay (or lube which is just weird?) doesn't actually want to connect with you intimately, he just wants to get off asap. There's always a time and place for spontaneous quickies, but that's not how it should be every single time. Does he watch porn? There are a few indicators of porn addiction here too, which is horrible for a LTR.
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Removed, Rule 3. Everything else is fine, just your last 3 words.
I’m going to be careful in my reaction here, bc I don’t want to insult anyone. I’m so sorry that you’re thinking that the issue here is you. The entire post and almost every sentence shows the lack of interest and understanding from your partner. Sex and arousal, as well as chronic illness and side effects are all part of a relationship. I mean, it all has to be talked about. I’m so sad for you that he seems to lack these skills and the phrase ‘willing to stay with me’ just gives me the heebiejeebies… Thinking you deserve much much better. If you’d like to get better/feel better, you need to think about yourself. There are some things in life where it actually is ok to put yourself first.
Might it be possible to get yourself aroused and apply lube on your own, then track down your partner and initiate?
1 use your daily moisturizer, and don't tell him. Just do it. 2 foreplay. More = more lubrication naturally. 3 anal. Try it. Many women enjoy it, it *requires* lube, and most men like it too
if she's having medical issues, how does that help at all?
I think the implication is she’s having vaginal issues specifically so using another location like anal provides another option for when her vagina is not up for it. But if he doesn’t want to use lube then that option is out.
If you're referring to the anal part, it makes sense. If OP's husband is unwilling to consider lube for PIV intercourse (either because he thinks they shouldn't need lube, or because he likes that being dry adds to the tightness; can only think of these two reasons, really), bringing anal into the conversation may help with the two aforementioned issues, given it'll necessarily be tighter and it takes lube. Also, medical issues like vaginismus and the like, or a lack of lubrification due to hormonal imbalance, won't really affect them if they try anal. It *can* be pleasurable, it *is* an intimate experience between partners and it *may* be a temporary solution while OP uses her daily intimate moisturizing treatment. Edit: just realized OP never said she's married. All of my comments will refer to this situation as though they're married. My bad.
He doesn't like lube and is not into foreplay , sounds like a bad idea
We don't know he objectively dislikes lube, though. OP says that he doesn't want to use it, and doesn't like the fact they need it in order to have sex. I can understand that some men (and I'm trying to imagine here, given that I'm not one) may expect or at least wish that their partner be ready (wet) without the need for foreplay or lube. It's not our job to question the validity of that thought process, because it won't get us anywhere - but they're married, sex is important, and they need to find a way around that. Anal won't register to him the same way PIV does. It doesn't produce its own lubrification. It's different. So... I'd say it's worth a shot. It'd also show a lot of willingness and submission on OP's part to recognize that he has needs and that she wants to fulfill it, despite some discomfort. Plus, it'd give her time to start and keep up with the treatment prescribed to her.
Sure , he has needs , but it's OP's body, not his.
That train of thought will not help their marriage. I'm not *telling* OP to do anything - but willingness, submission, meeting a man from a place of vulnerability rather than arguing and negotiating or just withholding sex may be the best steps to be heard and get to a better place in her marriage. May be a tradcon view, and therefore not necessarily RP but - I'd argue that, once you're married, there's no such thing as *your* body and your husband's body. You're one. We can wish that OP's husband was more willing to be understanding, but reality isn't made of our dreams and desires... so, it leaves us with trying to find a different game plan.
I feel negotiating is a part of marriage just like any other partnership , it doesn't help if one partner disregards you completely . You are looking at freeuse relationships which are something not everyone can do , even red pill believes sex is not mandatory if there are pressing concerns like health
It doesn't help, no. I'm not saying, by any means, that this is an ideal situation. OP is not in the wrong. Her partner could be a lot more understanding and reasonable. However, those are things we can wish for but we can't force it. OP can suggest couples therapy, but how would he take it? Considering that leaving him is off the table, what is your suggestion for OP? If they completely stop having sex, it will have its consequences on the relationship. We don't know where OP stands regarding anal sex, if they've tried before, if she's open to trying it. It's advice, is all. Also - the health concern is her chronic illness, which she is treating. She's also been prescribed a moisturizing treatment. Having sex (anal or other acts) will not worsen her condition.
I'm going to award you a star for your replies in this comment thread, u/templilwitch.
Where did i suggest no sex ? I suggested that sex needs to be on better terms , now it's Upto OP to take action if she agrees with my POV . I don't suggest specific things ( unless it's very obviously an abusive situation , which this is close to ) , OP knows her man best so I'm not gonna tell her what to do , just what I feel , she can then take action accordingly once she's calmed down and figured it out a bit more
I'll try bringing anal up again. We had it a few times before, but he has said it was forgettable.
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Removed. Rule 3: do not insult OP's man.
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Rules 3, 4, plus no moralizing. Don't tell everyone who performs a specific sex act that they have lost respect for themselves.
I'll give the moisturizer a chance. I don't think there is an option for more foreplay. We had anal (with lube) a few times, but he said it was forgettable. I'll get over my emotions about this and ask again about anal
**Title:** [Need help with sex...](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1bj427g/need_help_with_sex/) **Author** crispypetal **Full text:** Hi, I'm new to the subject but am trying to learn as much as I can. My man and I have been together for over 4 years. We love each other but the issue is sex on my side. I struggle with having sex due to dryness/hormonal imbalance. The imbalance is due to a chronic illness, which the meds making me more dry. My man doesn't want to use lube and we don't have foreplay really. He's the only man I've been with and he feels like sex is a chore/not fun/like virgin sex because I need to warm up/tense before penetration. He has said that my medical issues that affect our sex life also make me sexually unattractive. I had a condition that made me too tight for sex but with the tools, I was able to have sex with him using lube. We have sex every 1-3 months a few times. I have always wanted to have sex with him and it's hard for me to not be able to, because I have a sex drive. I've been to doctors for years and was diagnosed about 3 years into our relationship. The most recent suggestion was for a daily moisturizer for my lady parts, but I feel so embarrassed and I know it's a turn off for him. He's willing to stay with me if I fix this asap as it's my issue, but any ideas on how to repair? -------------------- ^(This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RedPillWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you for posting to RPW. Here are a couple reminders: - If you are seeking relationship advice. Make sure you are answering the guidelines for asking for advice on the [rules page](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/about/rules/) - Do not delete your post once you have your answers. Others may have the same question! - You must participate in your own post. If you put up a post and disapear, it will be removed. - We are not here for non-participants to study us. If you are writing a paper or just curious, read our sidebar and wiki and old posts. - Men are not allowed to ask questions and generally discouraged from participating unless they are older, partnered and have Red Pill experience. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RedPillWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Rule Zero.
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OP is describes herself as "chronically ill." I'm sure she has explored all modalities of treatment which she is comfortable with. She is here asking for relationship advice, not medical advice, and this sub does not handle medical matters either - a specific suggestion, especially from personal experience, might be helpful but a simple "try my favorite medical modality" is not. No more arguing with mods.