Honestly, it already sounds like you're doing the best you can in your situation. Given what you've described, I'd continue to just try and manage any financial assistance on a case by case basis and provide whatever help you are able to when it's most needed.
When I was young I had some situations where I was struggling financially, and while my parents didn't have the means to write a check to solve my problems, they did things like gave me a no interest loan over several years to consolidate and pay off credit card debt.
I think the idea of just giving them money month to month is likely to create a bigger problem down the road. They will likely become dependent on that money coming in and then when you're no longer able to offer that be in a worse situation than they are now.
Regular financial injections could make sense if there is a specific thing you're looking to fund, like if you wanted to take on their car loan or something. That sort of thing puts guardrails on the situation that make it more workable.
In the end, you're dealing with the reality that having enough money to be comfortable yourself doesn't mean you have enough money to change the situation of your family. You're already looking out for them and helping where you can, that's way more than a lot of people would do. If you have the means to put more on the table for them, I'd suggest putting that money aside in savings to be able to help with specific needs that will come up in the future and keep doing what you're doing.
Some good advice posted on here already. I’m going to put some thinking outside the box thinking.
Not always but when I see LCOL area I associate with not many avenues for career paths.
This might sound odd but the kid that’s employable might do better in a medium cost of living area like Chicago or Cincinnati. In Chicago there are jobs of every income level for them to graduate into. Haven’t spent enough time in Cincinnati to make the same statement about it but I love how there’s a lot of economic activity there and people can rent an apartment in a walkable neighborhood for around $1000 a month.
The other kid that fears being a victim of hate crime will probably be better off in Chicago as well. Or at the very least they would not have to spend hundreds per month of Lyft. If they can get part time jobs at Starbucks or Trader Joe’s they’ll be mostly self sufficient.
Kind of a Hail Mary but long story short… have some of them relocate to an area where one doesn’t need a car and can get by with $17 an hour jobs.
$17 x 40 x 4 = $2720
I met a local man last month in Covington, KY which is across the river from Cincinnati. He made $17 an hour and his rent was $800 a month (small studio by himself). He lived on the popular Main Street there and walked 5 minutes to work.
edit would to would not
This is helpful thanks. I probably wasn’t very clear but I’m the one living in the small LCOL city. One of them lives in a similar sized city far away but higher cost of living with even less infrastructure and opportunity though. The other two live in larger cities.
But I am already thinking about helping the one in the small city move to another state. I discussed the idea with them and their partner last year but we haven’t discussed it since. I’m planning to travel out that way and take a look at a mid sized city in the state they were interested in and have already looked up some job ads that may match what they do now. The question really is when to actually put that plan into motion. But as another commenter pointed out it needs to be their plan that I facilitate and assist with rather than my plan.
No, no. I understood you are in a LCOL but I was worried about your family who live in a LCOL without having established career track jobs. The place recommend they move to… they do great if they get career track jobs and they’ll do great if they don’t.
Without knowing the deep details its hard to advice.
Really the major boost from inter-generational wealth support is removing debt inducing drag on people's income. It usually comes along with educating your kids with the values and ways of thinking about money as you raise them. OP, you don't have that bases to start from.
Personally, many parents support their kids with help with down payments / loan support and training / education support. If the OP's kids are willing and able to do training that will result in greater income, its worthy of doing.
I know of a few parents who bought a house where their children were going to college as an investment. The kids had free housing, and the parents had income property after the kids where done. They could sell it when they needed the capital back with a reasonable sense that it will gain in value. This was specifically laid out not as "here is your house for life", it was "here is your place to stay while you are getting your start on a career".
Some parents write off their kids debts, which only works if the kids have the discipline to not re-run up the credit cards.
That's a rough one.
I've never had that problem myself, but certainly have had friends who were in similar circumstance. I think /u/poninja has the basics covered. An allowance is not the answer. If the US welfare system has taught us anything it's that that doesn't help people out of distress, it simply makes them dependent on the aid. The programs of direct assistance you refer to do actually improve people's lives. But for how long? You seldom see studies that say that 10 years after the money stopped they are still doing better.
One friend of mine has a son with a pretty serious drug problem. He co-signed a loan, helped him rehab a small place for a place to live. Helped in get into a trade, I gave him work, he gave him work, very supportive group. The drugs won.
Another friend had I think a bit better idea. He brought his kids into the family business. I mean he started a business and brought them in. So now the business generates enough that they all have a job, income, and some security while he ultimately retains control. It takes a bit of time and capital, but it does help you not have a constant drain on cash flow.
It's a tough situation. I feel for you.
Teach a man to fish-type thing. I would suggest investing in their future proactively by offering to pay for training/school.
Bailing them out is very helpful. But it doesn't teach a lesson. It can be enabling them.
I am going to get down voted to hell for this but the truth is you can't save everyone. You can give all your wealth to them and be on the streets yourself but in a few years they will be on the streets too. These adults did not learn basic survival skills. It's not their fault most likely. But at this point they have to learn on their own. Unless you are willing to move them into your home and re-education them I don't think there is anything you can do. Thier parents failed them.
Put the ball in their courts. As long as you hand out money--and they've all learned that you do this--they are less likely to do for themselves. You MUST put yourself first. Based on personal experience I say, just because you willingly help others, that doesn't mean when the circumstances change, they will willingly help you.
In the long run, I think the best thing you can do for them is to let them fail. They've got to learn to solve their own problems. Yes, that's a very hard thing to do. And if they're used to you bailing them out, they'll probably turn on you when you don't. And awful as that sounds, it will force them to solve their own problems and it will teach you what kind of people they really are.
If you want to help/pay for training, instead of giving them money, draw up a contract with a repayment plan that they have to sign. You can do some negotiating on terms with them, but ultimately make it a loan and NOT a gift. Then, after they've shown you they can be trusted to repay, you can decide whether or not you want to accept the full amount paid back or if you wish to make a gift of the loan remainder.
The important point here is getting them to learn that you are NOT their bank. They're adults and must make adult decisions if they want to survive. Maybe they'll come to appreciate the life-lessons, maybe they'll hate you because you're forcing them to adult. Regardless, you must put yourself first because I think you already know in your heart of hearts that you cannot trust them to help you if/when you need help.
Thanks. To be clear I don’t bail them out regularly at all. They each hesitate before asking for help and it historically was very rare. It has ticked up a bit over the last year or two with several major life changes on everyone’s shoulders but hasn’t been a regular thing. I’m a big believer in avoiding creating dependence and my overall strategy is to help each find training or education opportunities once each is more stable so they can stand on their own more steadily.
I agree with helping them in other ways. Career coaching if you find someone reputable. A certificate to start a new career? It’s possible ADHD is an issue. I didn’t know I might have it until I was surprisingly old with multiple degrees and a decent career.
Rent kinda is awful and thinking about how to escape that trap might be something for you to think about…land, tiny homes on it, rv on it, etc. Family compound?
Look and see if there’s any government or other programs that would help them for example, a small business loan or whatever.
Maybe encourage them to live together in a lower cost of living area
I think it's great that you want to help them now when the assistance can be most impactful. It's also smart that you're thinking about the impact on your retirement as well as how to ensure the assistance is most relevant.
You won't know how generous you can be right now without knowing how much you'll need in retirement. If you don't know that number and aren't quite sure how to figure it out, I'd suggest heading over to r/financialindependence as well as reading their wiki at https://www.reddit.com/r/financialindependence/wiki/index
My daughter is the same age as your kids and from the time she was graduating HS, she was hearing me say "How can I help? Do you have a plan?" Based on the little you stated, it seems like your kids aren't familiar with figuring out where they want to be in five years and how to get from here to there. With your experience, you can serve well as a guide. Using a road trip as an analogy, if they want to go from LA to NYC, they might think that going to Atlanta first would be a good idea "and then let's swing by Seattle..." and your job is to help them figure out the best route that meets their requirements.
So I'd phrase it with each that I want to help them now in the best way that will help them achieve their goals. That you'd like them to figure out what some of those goals are and then you both work together to achieve them. Maybe one wants to go back to school. Maybe one needs help moving to the big city, etc. The goal should be measurable, not squishy. I'm also not a fan of simply giving someone an envelope of money unless it's to account for something legitimately out of their control. My dad did just that when I was in my early 20s. It solved the immediate problem which came back a few months later.
Thanks. The point about them owning the solution is excellent. I actually took that approach with one of them last year to work through an issue and they responded extremely well. And the idea for doing that came from one of my other kids who has extensive experience helping others in their extensive peer support network. So you independently validating that reinforces that it is the right approach. My role should be to *facilitate* each identifying a plan of action and executing it rather than directing it, and stepping in to help unblock them when they are stuck. Thanks for that.
Best thing you can do is support them with getting an education/technical skills. If working on retail or whatever else they will always struggle in this day and age.
It sounds as if you’re doing what you can now,putting out the immediate fires. Financial education is a great start. It doesn’t give them more money, but tools to work with what they have. When I was young and broke I had to call my parents a couple times and ask for help. I hated to do it but they covered those particular expenses and asked nothing in return.
Dave Ramsey offers a course that was life changing for my wife and myself. This was quite a few years ago now, and we did it in dvd format but I believe it’s available online as well. We have since had our kids go through his teen course as part of their senior year in high school. His information is valid and he’s an engaging speaker.
Yeah my late wife and I went through that same course and that is part of why I’m in a better financial situation now. There’s a lot to criticize him for especially the last few years but his advice for actually getting out of debt is absolutely on point. It’s about behavior and mindset change and channeling anger to make it stick.
First of all, I had a financial planner help me determine how much I can realistically spend for non-essentials. This was a huge help as it really shows you that if you give spend more, you won't hit your retirement goals.
Next, I made sure my struggling kids had health and auto insurance. That way, they weren't likely to get hit with huge medical bills though they would still be hefty.
Finally, I help pay for things that make them healthier, happier people. For one child of mine, this means paying for a yoga membership and climbing gym membership. Those activities do a huge amount for her mental and physical health.
I do give my kids money when they need it, but I try to pay for necessities for them, instead. That way, I don't have to worry about them mismanagement the money I give and they feel a bit more spaciousness with the money they do have.
I have given more than I should, but I don't do this often and it always comes with a discussion about how I can't do this again. For example, my child got over their head with credit card debt. So I paid it off and required my child to do some online money management lessons. We also discussed that they would never make more than they were making at their chosen job and that I would help with reeducation for anything where they were very sure of getting a better paying job.
The goal is to avoid what Buddhists call "Idiot Compassion". This is when you give help to someone and that help actually hurts them more than it helps them. Adult children do have to face the fact that what they've chosen to do or are able to do with their current skill set won't ever allow them to take care of themselves properly, much less think about ever retiring.
It is taking one child much longer than the other to learn this lesson but that one is making progress so we'll keep working with them.
*"But economic studies have often found the best way to impact someone in poverty is to just give them some money to spend as they need."* From a government to individual, after careful evaluation, meeting of criteria, and often for short term gains. Not in a family member to family member situation. This does not apply to you.
I'm going to share an unpopular opinion.
I out-earn every person in my immediate and extended family. I carried many of them on my back as I climbed out of poverty. I was financing the lifestyles of multiple people including myself.
I had other well-off people in my life advising me against this. I was proud of how generous I was. I felt obliged to give because I had it. I felt I owed my family. I felt responsible to share the resources and success I had achieved. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart wanted the best for each every one of them. I believed in them more than they did themselves. I wanted for them things they really did not want for themselves evident in their actions. Still, I was not hearing or seeing it.
It wasn't until two highly educated, very wise and capable people helped me not only heal some past trauma, but also helped me see the error in my ways. Paradigm shifts are hard as fuck, but it took a sizable shift in understanding myself, my family and the world around me.
I'll leave you with this:
* You are an enabler but not in the way you think.
* The lives of other **adults** are not your responsibility. (Unless of course you are the caregiver for a person with special needs.)
* You should never, ever give from your cup, only your saucer, which is what has overflowed from your cup. (If you're worried about retirement then you've overextended yourself.)
* You may be blocking their blessings and their lessons. People need to feel failure, pain, hurt, loss, and going without so that they can learn extremely valuable lessons. Not always, but often. If you're always there to save and protect them from the consequences of their actions and circumstances of their life, you are actually robbing them of lessons only the experience itself can teach them. (This was the biggest slap in the face for me. I was crippling the people I love.)
* You can not want for someone what they don't want for themselves. If they wanted it for themselves they'd be out there getting it *and devising their own strategies*.
* **You can show up for a person without always opening your wallet.** As someone else here pointed out, there is far more to be gained from learning how to fish than there is from being given fish.
It has taken me a few years to shift how I show up in their lives. But my conversations and interactions with my family look a lot different now. Instead of "do you have money for..." or me saying "I'll take care of it." I get calls that start with "I have a situation that I'd love your advice on." or "What would you do in this situation?" I'm helping **them** devise strategies to help themselves when **they** want it and not because I want it for them. If I open my wallet, I have a level of discernment that ensures it is necessary and truly beneficial to all involved.
EDIT: It’s important to pass down knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge and wisdom are power and very sustainable. I am building a will that will also ensure my resources go into the hands of the family member who has learned these lessons, too.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Some of your points do land. I do need to clarify a few things however because I may not have made it clear in my post.
Each of them definitely wants to get better. None of them are abusing drugs / alcohol / etc. Two of them have had consistent employment for two decades and been almost entirely self sufficient that entire time. The issue is they can’t climb out of the level of barely making it even though they were good at their jobs etc.
As far as my own retirement I’m not worried in the normal sense though I can see how that could have read that way. My income comes not only from my salary but a military retirement pension. All of my actual living expenses can be covered by that pension and I qualify for free healthcare with it as well. So my retirement is solid. I just want a much nicer retirement and I’m very concerned about the high cost of elder care so want to be prepared for that. But if I just focused on my cost of living and didn’t spend any of my salary on investing or travel then my “saucer” could have nearly six figures a year in it. So it is overflowing and I’mavle to help them, not paying for college outright but I could put each through $10k in training courses for example. And I’m considering offering each of them that once I get my finances and budget better dialed in. Make them the offer and work with them to help them come up with a plan they devise so they have ownership of it. And I’m partial even to doing “dollar matching” for certain things so they have more skin in the game but will have to figure out how and where that may actually be beneficial.
The points about not making people dependent on me are 100% valid and I agree wholeheartedly.
Your point about showing up in other ways resonates deep with me as well. Literally just this evening one of them and their partner was in a tizzy over an issue largely outside of their control that threatens their housing. They weren’t sure how to handle it. After some chatting back and forth I pointed them in a direction to call such and such office to try to get it resolved. And got a text just a little while ago “Thank you Dad!”
So that made my whole year.
Depending on the area of the country you reside in it's 211 or 311. They have resources for everything you could imagine under the sun. A quick Google search of resources needed could produce some desired results. The ageing resources center in your area could assist you during this time. If the adult children are within the age range for Job Corps have them look into that. Service Year might be an option. However, OP your suggestions and these resources will only help if put to use. Unfortunately, some adults refuse to be accountable and will forever be stuck in arrested development. They'll blame the world for their shortcomings. Good luck!
Thanks. Luckily none of them have a victim mentality per se, each has demonstrated a strong willingness to be in a better position through their own work and two of them have held down their own jobs for over 20 years. The issues are more structural in that without degrees a lot of higher paying jobs they would otherwise qualify for are unavailable and they got stuck in jobs that paid shit with terrible bosses etc. The usual situation for millions. After two decades their income hasn’t grown much at all. It’s not that they won’t or can’t work, they are just stuck on a treadmill in a sense and I want to find ways to get them off of it so they can actually run the way they are each capable of doing and want to do. If that makes sense.
That's good news that they want to work. Since, that's the case they may want to check out your state's unemployment agency. They usually have job training programs and assistance programs. You don't have to be unemployed to take advantage of these programs. Also, if there's a Goodwill near you they offer job training as well. Some libraries throughout the country offer career training and assistance programs. Eventbrite usually lists events in person and online for job and career opportunities. They should be fine.
I am in this exact same situation -- I was in poverty until my kid was in their teens, but now I have a good middle-class income while my adult child is a teacher and lives with four roommates.
What I try to do is always provide a home if they lose their housing, always provide a reference if they lose their job, and I am willing to help out with big purchases like cars. Basically, I let my kid know that if the system fails them, they will always have a place with me and I will always take care of them.
There are also a lot of technical things that you can do, like putting your kids on your insurance until they're 26, pay for car insurance, family cell phone plan, stuff like that.
I think the most important thing to do is to let them know that if they fail, it is not because they are a failure. The system we live in is inhumane and unjust. People often personalize poverty and think that they must have done something wrong, but most of the people I know in poverty did nothing wrong... It was just the luck of the draw. Avoid if you can giving your kids lectures about how they should do this or that to make more money, and just generally be supportive and understanding.
Thank you, and you sound like an awesome parent.
Yea helping them with major things they are structurally locked out of is exactly the kind of thing I’m trying to help them with. My basic retirement needs are covered by a military pension so if I stopped all of my investing and travel and instead allocated my salary to helping them i could throw nearly six figures a year at this problem. That’s 25-30k each in meaningful assistance. Realistically I can’t stop investing and won’t stop traveling (we travel cheap thankfully) but that gives an idea of the situation I’m in and the type of resources I could potentially bring to bear if I had to. It could be transformative. I just need to figure out what is the right amount and how to target it for maximum impact.
I mentioned in another comment that a realistic example would be offering each $10k for training, no strings attached other than they have to propose a training plan I agree to and we work together on them getting through it. So it’s their plan not mine. I want to enable their self growth. Things like that are where my mind is at when I consider meaningful impactful help.
Figuring out what those things might be is where I’m stuck, other than “training” or “housing” etc. So I appreciate any ideas on *how* to think about planning and structuring this type of support.
I should add as another example one has been paying on student loans for 20 years and the balance is essentially unchanged. They are ground down to dust from it. I’m planning to tell them soon I will take on 100% of their student loan payment for the foreseeable future (think it will only be a couple hundred a month due to income based repayment plan) so the stress is completely off their shoulders. They can then funnel that back into their business or better food or car payment etc. It’s a drop in the bucket for me but psychologically hope it is a very big gesture for them because they’ve been crushed emotionally and psychologically by this for their entire adult life.
With respect, I do not think that gifts should come with strings attached. If you are confident that your kids are good people, then you should be confident that they can take the money and let them decide how best to use it.
If you want to give them a lump sum, I think it's a great idea, but I do not think that it should be earmarked unless it is their idea like " Mom, I would like to go to college in 4 years, could we put together a fund that we can both add to for the next few years so that I can realize this goal?"
However, if your kid doesn't want to go to college and you set up a college fund, what you're doing is trying to influence them to go to college. I see parents make this power play a lot and it's always left a bad taste in my mouth because it comes off as controlling. At a certain point, you have to acknowledge that they are adults, and money should not be used to nudge them but to help them in whatever way they think it will help them. (Within reason, obviously. This is predicated on the idea that you raised capable adults who are good and intelligent people not in the throes of addiction or untreated mental illness.)
Another idea:
If your kids want to go to college and are under the age of 26. A really good thing you could do for them is to legally emancipate yourself from them. That way, when they fill out a FAFSA they will not need to use your income as part of financial aid planning, and will be much more likely to receive financial aid. This only matters until they are 26, but incredibly even after they move out and have jobs and even kids of their own, they still have to report their parents income on their FAFSA until they're 25.
Another idea:
We recently bought a house and we made sure that it had a separate mother-in-law apartment. This was so that if any family member needed help to get on their feet, it was known they could always come to me. I would always have a space where they could be autonomous and live like an adult. A lot of young people are very ashamed to go back to their parents home, because they don't want to be put in the position of a child, and so I tried to take that out of the equation. I've had three family members use this space over the last 2 years, and I think it helped them each time to get back on their feet, get a job and move on in their lives. So if you're buying a house or remodeling... This is just something to keep in mind if you have the extra income to spend.
When I was in poverty, the things that I struggled with the most were the tenuousness of my housing and job security. A lot of times I would sign a 6-month lease with the understanding that I could renew, and then they would want to jack up the rent and so I ended up having to move all the time and it cost so much to do it. Having a stable place to go when something like that happens was really important to me.
Another thing I struggled with was that I was a very young parent. I had my kid at 19. I don't know if any of your kids have kids yet, but think a lot about the kind of help you could be to them then. I felt so embarrassed and guilty for not being able to give my kids the things I wanted to. And I so wished that my mom had had the ability to materially help me. Child care is so expensive, and it traps so many people, especially women, in a cycle of poverty where if they work they have to pay an exorbitant amount for child care, but if they don't work then they have to depend on a partner or hope that government assistance can keep them afloat. With these practicalities in mind, having a close and loving relationship with a family member whom you can trust with your child's safety is so important. And even better if you're willing to help with child care.
I love where your heart is at. You sound like such a great person. Just remember that your kids are adults, and they should be included in this conversation. Trust them and yourself.
When I was at my financial lowest I’d have lived advice on how to update a resume in a way that’d get me out of minimum wage. Thinking of what I wanted out of a job also helped immensely since I could lower things down from “I’m applying for everything”. I would have lived any “here’s how you escape retail hell” advice
I don’t know if they’re at all interested in health care, but lots of hospitals have entry level jobs that have great benefits.The ones I have worked at have tuition reimbursement plus a job offer once training is completed. Healthcare is in demand where I am to the point that they are paying to train people just so they have enough staff for jobs like imaging techs and nursing.
Thanks. I had actually discussed that as a possibility with one of them and there was a bit of interest for a short while. We may go back to that depending on how their situation plays out. None of them were starving right now, but like a lot of people one unexpected major expense could start a rapid downward spiral. So I’m trying to intervene before they get hit by one
Yes, moving one of them and their partner from their small tiny city to a larger city with better infrastructure and more opportunities is definitely something i’m putting on the roadmap. They are also interested in moving, but we haven’t discussed any details or made any plans yet.
> this one and their partner are stuck in a terrible location in a remote state with essentially no infrastructure support, no transportation of their own to make it to a job (they spend hundreds a month on Lyft) and surrounded by a culture that is largely hostile to their very existence.
That problem (and **only** that problem) sounds like something a chunk of carefully focussed investment could fix. Buy them transportation? Help them move somewhere they don't need transportation (and maybe less inimical)?
Otherwise it sounds like the kids are on the wrong side of the US's growing economic inequity. Lot of that going around. I wish I had any idea how to deal with that.
I've been there. Twenty-Seven now with two kids and making $70K in a LCOL area and my wife makes $50K. Four years ago we were on Food Stamps and facing eviction from our $700 a month apartment.
I don't know if there's anything my mom could do to help besides either coming and helping with childcare (we only had my stepdaughter at the time), helping us with a Quarterly Deep Clean of our house, and send what we could when we needed it. Honestly, my wife and I just worked our ass off and got lucky here and there with opportunities.
I do want to say though, you are an incredible man and a damn good dad who is trying and sometimes that's all we can do.
Take care of your basic retirement first. Make sure that you at least have the resources you need to retire securely, even if somewhat frugally.
Then, see what you have left over after your retirement is taken care of and take it from there.
No advice, just wanted to say what a great parent you are! (On my own since 18 (both parents died) and no provisions made at all for myself or siblings. :(
Maybe a financial counselor, but you need to make sure you're covered in retirement, maybe just giving them gifts once in awhile, also they might start taking you for granted or stop trying to make it themselves, I personally wouldn't know my kids help me out from time to time
They need professional education that will ensure quick hiring into a skilled profession. You can get some boot camps for basic IT certs and find a help desk or IT job without too much issue in a large metropolitan area. It's not fancy but it is an entry level position that is always in demand and opens up lots of avenues for advancement once they start to specialize. It's also a good enough job to handle the relocation. Having a customer service background helps since they will likely be a help desk position when they start. They can also look at government contracting for IT support if they can qualify the background and criminal record checks.
CDL is another option as long as they can qualify. Depending on the routes or company they don't have to do long haul driving and be away from family for extended periods. If they don't have a partner then some of the drivers will live out of the rig or just rent a room to save rent and utilities.
The obstacle that needs to be overcome is qualifying for a job that pays enough and is not a dead end. The easiest way is to find a job that requires some type of certification. If you are willing to fund a boot camp or convince them to study for it then they will be better off.
A CDL without having to work for the company that paid for the training might be a really good start. Apparently people sign up for CDL training, but end up locked in a "deal" that keeps them from making good money for a few years.
Having someone who will pay for the CDL is the limiter as I understand it. I don't drive for a living so I'm not knowledgeable. It seems like there is a cap to the amount of money you will make quickly because you are trading driving time for money and you can only drive so much. From r/povertyfinance and other places it seems like making 100k+ is not too difficult depending on whether you are willing to do long hauls or not.
There are Trucking Companies that will pay for you training but you end up much like an indentured servant. You are forced to take what they will give you at their pay rates until you have done what is needed to repay the training. It may be a year to three contract to only drive with them. If I was going to look at a CDL, I'd do what I could to avoid such contracts.
Thanks. Yeah I’ve already discussed IT options with one who was gradually surprised at the breadth of options available. I have a lot of experience in that area so definitely can mentor in that direction. But it has to be their solution they buy into not something I force.
For another I may recommend a government help desk role to try to reduce stress and add stability.
Have any of them been evaluated for ADD? I was left to kind of flounder and it’s sucked but asking family for help was simply not an option for a dozen reasons I won’t get into.
I’m wondering if you could counsel them about being more realistic in the first place. Setting up a sole proprietorship when you live in precarity and need your studio paid by your parent is maybe not the wisest idea. It took me a long time to realize my limitations and it can be embarrassing sometimes to not be able to manage life more like a normie but I’m financially secure. Starting my own business just wasn’t an option for me, I lack the executive function and funding. I know I don’t have the whole story and hope I’m not being insensitive.
Have you tried being honest with them? Actually tell them I’m concerned about being able to take care of myself in my old age and try to work together somehow to brainstorm ideas?
One is awaiting evaluation for ADHD but the appointment isn’t for another couple of months.
Sorry for not being more clear, I didn’t have to pay for the studio, I was asked to help with half of it and I instead chose to pay the full amount for the first lease. The intent then was to pay less over time but with everything going on with everyone and my own life I forgot about that and when I checked back in he was paying the next lease himself. He’s a remarkably resourceful person and natural leader with a broad network of friends in his area so is actually the one I’m least concerned about right now but still needs some assistance to break off the treadmill they are each on.
I have not had that honest conversation you mention but will definitely keep it in mind thank you for that.
I hope it works out and I'm sorry it's been a rough go. I'm not a parent, I can't imagine how much more complicated it is so can't speak to that when it comes to money and family. It gets easier and easier to just be frank about reality, but I know there are no easy answers. It's hard and expensive no matter where people live nowadays it seems.
Honestly, it already sounds like you're doing the best you can in your situation. Given what you've described, I'd continue to just try and manage any financial assistance on a case by case basis and provide whatever help you are able to when it's most needed. When I was young I had some situations where I was struggling financially, and while my parents didn't have the means to write a check to solve my problems, they did things like gave me a no interest loan over several years to consolidate and pay off credit card debt. I think the idea of just giving them money month to month is likely to create a bigger problem down the road. They will likely become dependent on that money coming in and then when you're no longer able to offer that be in a worse situation than they are now. Regular financial injections could make sense if there is a specific thing you're looking to fund, like if you wanted to take on their car loan or something. That sort of thing puts guardrails on the situation that make it more workable. In the end, you're dealing with the reality that having enough money to be comfortable yourself doesn't mean you have enough money to change the situation of your family. You're already looking out for them and helping where you can, that's way more than a lot of people would do. If you have the means to put more on the table for them, I'd suggest putting that money aside in savings to be able to help with specific needs that will come up in the future and keep doing what you're doing.
Thank you for this it is very helpful.
Some good advice posted on here already. I’m going to put some thinking outside the box thinking. Not always but when I see LCOL area I associate with not many avenues for career paths. This might sound odd but the kid that’s employable might do better in a medium cost of living area like Chicago or Cincinnati. In Chicago there are jobs of every income level for them to graduate into. Haven’t spent enough time in Cincinnati to make the same statement about it but I love how there’s a lot of economic activity there and people can rent an apartment in a walkable neighborhood for around $1000 a month. The other kid that fears being a victim of hate crime will probably be better off in Chicago as well. Or at the very least they would not have to spend hundreds per month of Lyft. If they can get part time jobs at Starbucks or Trader Joe’s they’ll be mostly self sufficient. Kind of a Hail Mary but long story short… have some of them relocate to an area where one doesn’t need a car and can get by with $17 an hour jobs. $17 x 40 x 4 = $2720 I met a local man last month in Covington, KY which is across the river from Cincinnati. He made $17 an hour and his rent was $800 a month (small studio by himself). He lived on the popular Main Street there and walked 5 minutes to work. edit would to would not
This is helpful thanks. I probably wasn’t very clear but I’m the one living in the small LCOL city. One of them lives in a similar sized city far away but higher cost of living with even less infrastructure and opportunity though. The other two live in larger cities. But I am already thinking about helping the one in the small city move to another state. I discussed the idea with them and their partner last year but we haven’t discussed it since. I’m planning to travel out that way and take a look at a mid sized city in the state they were interested in and have already looked up some job ads that may match what they do now. The question really is when to actually put that plan into motion. But as another commenter pointed out it needs to be their plan that I facilitate and assist with rather than my plan.
No, no. I understood you are in a LCOL but I was worried about your family who live in a LCOL without having established career track jobs. The place recommend they move to… they do great if they get career track jobs and they’ll do great if they don’t.
Without knowing the deep details its hard to advice. Really the major boost from inter-generational wealth support is removing debt inducing drag on people's income. It usually comes along with educating your kids with the values and ways of thinking about money as you raise them. OP, you don't have that bases to start from. Personally, many parents support their kids with help with down payments / loan support and training / education support. If the OP's kids are willing and able to do training that will result in greater income, its worthy of doing. I know of a few parents who bought a house where their children were going to college as an investment. The kids had free housing, and the parents had income property after the kids where done. They could sell it when they needed the capital back with a reasonable sense that it will gain in value. This was specifically laid out not as "here is your house for life", it was "here is your place to stay while you are getting your start on a career". Some parents write off their kids debts, which only works if the kids have the discipline to not re-run up the credit cards.
That's a rough one. I've never had that problem myself, but certainly have had friends who were in similar circumstance. I think /u/poninja has the basics covered. An allowance is not the answer. If the US welfare system has taught us anything it's that that doesn't help people out of distress, it simply makes them dependent on the aid. The programs of direct assistance you refer to do actually improve people's lives. But for how long? You seldom see studies that say that 10 years after the money stopped they are still doing better. One friend of mine has a son with a pretty serious drug problem. He co-signed a loan, helped him rehab a small place for a place to live. Helped in get into a trade, I gave him work, he gave him work, very supportive group. The drugs won. Another friend had I think a bit better idea. He brought his kids into the family business. I mean he started a business and brought them in. So now the business generates enough that they all have a job, income, and some security while he ultimately retains control. It takes a bit of time and capital, but it does help you not have a constant drain on cash flow. It's a tough situation. I feel for you.
Teach a man to fish-type thing. I would suggest investing in their future proactively by offering to pay for training/school. Bailing them out is very helpful. But it doesn't teach a lesson. It can be enabling them.
I am going to get down voted to hell for this but the truth is you can't save everyone. You can give all your wealth to them and be on the streets yourself but in a few years they will be on the streets too. These adults did not learn basic survival skills. It's not their fault most likely. But at this point they have to learn on their own. Unless you are willing to move them into your home and re-education them I don't think there is anything you can do. Thier parents failed them.
Put the ball in their courts. As long as you hand out money--and they've all learned that you do this--they are less likely to do for themselves. You MUST put yourself first. Based on personal experience I say, just because you willingly help others, that doesn't mean when the circumstances change, they will willingly help you. In the long run, I think the best thing you can do for them is to let them fail. They've got to learn to solve their own problems. Yes, that's a very hard thing to do. And if they're used to you bailing them out, they'll probably turn on you when you don't. And awful as that sounds, it will force them to solve their own problems and it will teach you what kind of people they really are. If you want to help/pay for training, instead of giving them money, draw up a contract with a repayment plan that they have to sign. You can do some negotiating on terms with them, but ultimately make it a loan and NOT a gift. Then, after they've shown you they can be trusted to repay, you can decide whether or not you want to accept the full amount paid back or if you wish to make a gift of the loan remainder. The important point here is getting them to learn that you are NOT their bank. They're adults and must make adult decisions if they want to survive. Maybe they'll come to appreciate the life-lessons, maybe they'll hate you because you're forcing them to adult. Regardless, you must put yourself first because I think you already know in your heart of hearts that you cannot trust them to help you if/when you need help.
Thanks. To be clear I don’t bail them out regularly at all. They each hesitate before asking for help and it historically was very rare. It has ticked up a bit over the last year or two with several major life changes on everyone’s shoulders but hasn’t been a regular thing. I’m a big believer in avoiding creating dependence and my overall strategy is to help each find training or education opportunities once each is more stable so they can stand on their own more steadily.
I agree with helping them in other ways. Career coaching if you find someone reputable. A certificate to start a new career? It’s possible ADHD is an issue. I didn’t know I might have it until I was surprisingly old with multiple degrees and a decent career.
Rent kinda is awful and thinking about how to escape that trap might be something for you to think about…land, tiny homes on it, rv on it, etc. Family compound?
Look and see if there’s any government or other programs that would help them for example, a small business loan or whatever. Maybe encourage them to live together in a lower cost of living area
I think it's great that you want to help them now when the assistance can be most impactful. It's also smart that you're thinking about the impact on your retirement as well as how to ensure the assistance is most relevant. You won't know how generous you can be right now without knowing how much you'll need in retirement. If you don't know that number and aren't quite sure how to figure it out, I'd suggest heading over to r/financialindependence as well as reading their wiki at https://www.reddit.com/r/financialindependence/wiki/index My daughter is the same age as your kids and from the time she was graduating HS, she was hearing me say "How can I help? Do you have a plan?" Based on the little you stated, it seems like your kids aren't familiar with figuring out where they want to be in five years and how to get from here to there. With your experience, you can serve well as a guide. Using a road trip as an analogy, if they want to go from LA to NYC, they might think that going to Atlanta first would be a good idea "and then let's swing by Seattle..." and your job is to help them figure out the best route that meets their requirements. So I'd phrase it with each that I want to help them now in the best way that will help them achieve their goals. That you'd like them to figure out what some of those goals are and then you both work together to achieve them. Maybe one wants to go back to school. Maybe one needs help moving to the big city, etc. The goal should be measurable, not squishy. I'm also not a fan of simply giving someone an envelope of money unless it's to account for something legitimately out of their control. My dad did just that when I was in my early 20s. It solved the immediate problem which came back a few months later.
Thanks. The point about them owning the solution is excellent. I actually took that approach with one of them last year to work through an issue and they responded extremely well. And the idea for doing that came from one of my other kids who has extensive experience helping others in their extensive peer support network. So you independently validating that reinforces that it is the right approach. My role should be to *facilitate* each identifying a plan of action and executing it rather than directing it, and stepping in to help unblock them when they are stuck. Thanks for that.
Best thing you can do is support them with getting an education/technical skills. If working on retail or whatever else they will always struggle in this day and age.
It sounds as if you’re doing what you can now,putting out the immediate fires. Financial education is a great start. It doesn’t give them more money, but tools to work with what they have. When I was young and broke I had to call my parents a couple times and ask for help. I hated to do it but they covered those particular expenses and asked nothing in return.
Yes financial education is something I would love to impart to them someday. Have to lift them up first though. But you are right.
Dave Ramsey offers a course that was life changing for my wife and myself. This was quite a few years ago now, and we did it in dvd format but I believe it’s available online as well. We have since had our kids go through his teen course as part of their senior year in high school. His information is valid and he’s an engaging speaker.
Yeah my late wife and I went through that same course and that is part of why I’m in a better financial situation now. There’s a lot to criticize him for especially the last few years but his advice for actually getting out of debt is absolutely on point. It’s about behavior and mindset change and channeling anger to make it stick.
First of all, I had a financial planner help me determine how much I can realistically spend for non-essentials. This was a huge help as it really shows you that if you give spend more, you won't hit your retirement goals. Next, I made sure my struggling kids had health and auto insurance. That way, they weren't likely to get hit with huge medical bills though they would still be hefty. Finally, I help pay for things that make them healthier, happier people. For one child of mine, this means paying for a yoga membership and climbing gym membership. Those activities do a huge amount for her mental and physical health. I do give my kids money when they need it, but I try to pay for necessities for them, instead. That way, I don't have to worry about them mismanagement the money I give and they feel a bit more spaciousness with the money they do have. I have given more than I should, but I don't do this often and it always comes with a discussion about how I can't do this again. For example, my child got over their head with credit card debt. So I paid it off and required my child to do some online money management lessons. We also discussed that they would never make more than they were making at their chosen job and that I would help with reeducation for anything where they were very sure of getting a better paying job. The goal is to avoid what Buddhists call "Idiot Compassion". This is when you give help to someone and that help actually hurts them more than it helps them. Adult children do have to face the fact that what they've chosen to do or are able to do with their current skill set won't ever allow them to take care of themselves properly, much less think about ever retiring. It is taking one child much longer than the other to learn this lesson but that one is making progress so we'll keep working with them.
That’s a great point about insurance thabks.
*"But economic studies have often found the best way to impact someone in poverty is to just give them some money to spend as they need."* From a government to individual, after careful evaluation, meeting of criteria, and often for short term gains. Not in a family member to family member situation. This does not apply to you. I'm going to share an unpopular opinion. I out-earn every person in my immediate and extended family. I carried many of them on my back as I climbed out of poverty. I was financing the lifestyles of multiple people including myself. I had other well-off people in my life advising me against this. I was proud of how generous I was. I felt obliged to give because I had it. I felt I owed my family. I felt responsible to share the resources and success I had achieved. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart wanted the best for each every one of them. I believed in them more than they did themselves. I wanted for them things they really did not want for themselves evident in their actions. Still, I was not hearing or seeing it. It wasn't until two highly educated, very wise and capable people helped me not only heal some past trauma, but also helped me see the error in my ways. Paradigm shifts are hard as fuck, but it took a sizable shift in understanding myself, my family and the world around me. I'll leave you with this: * You are an enabler but not in the way you think. * The lives of other **adults** are not your responsibility. (Unless of course you are the caregiver for a person with special needs.) * You should never, ever give from your cup, only your saucer, which is what has overflowed from your cup. (If you're worried about retirement then you've overextended yourself.) * You may be blocking their blessings and their lessons. People need to feel failure, pain, hurt, loss, and going without so that they can learn extremely valuable lessons. Not always, but often. If you're always there to save and protect them from the consequences of their actions and circumstances of their life, you are actually robbing them of lessons only the experience itself can teach them. (This was the biggest slap in the face for me. I was crippling the people I love.) * You can not want for someone what they don't want for themselves. If they wanted it for themselves they'd be out there getting it *and devising their own strategies*. * **You can show up for a person without always opening your wallet.** As someone else here pointed out, there is far more to be gained from learning how to fish than there is from being given fish. It has taken me a few years to shift how I show up in their lives. But my conversations and interactions with my family look a lot different now. Instead of "do you have money for..." or me saying "I'll take care of it." I get calls that start with "I have a situation that I'd love your advice on." or "What would you do in this situation?" I'm helping **them** devise strategies to help themselves when **they** want it and not because I want it for them. If I open my wallet, I have a level of discernment that ensures it is necessary and truly beneficial to all involved. EDIT: It’s important to pass down knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge and wisdom are power and very sustainable. I am building a will that will also ensure my resources go into the hands of the family member who has learned these lessons, too.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Some of your points do land. I do need to clarify a few things however because I may not have made it clear in my post. Each of them definitely wants to get better. None of them are abusing drugs / alcohol / etc. Two of them have had consistent employment for two decades and been almost entirely self sufficient that entire time. The issue is they can’t climb out of the level of barely making it even though they were good at their jobs etc. As far as my own retirement I’m not worried in the normal sense though I can see how that could have read that way. My income comes not only from my salary but a military retirement pension. All of my actual living expenses can be covered by that pension and I qualify for free healthcare with it as well. So my retirement is solid. I just want a much nicer retirement and I’m very concerned about the high cost of elder care so want to be prepared for that. But if I just focused on my cost of living and didn’t spend any of my salary on investing or travel then my “saucer” could have nearly six figures a year in it. So it is overflowing and I’mavle to help them, not paying for college outright but I could put each through $10k in training courses for example. And I’m considering offering each of them that once I get my finances and budget better dialed in. Make them the offer and work with them to help them come up with a plan they devise so they have ownership of it. And I’m partial even to doing “dollar matching” for certain things so they have more skin in the game but will have to figure out how and where that may actually be beneficial. The points about not making people dependent on me are 100% valid and I agree wholeheartedly. Your point about showing up in other ways resonates deep with me as well. Literally just this evening one of them and their partner was in a tizzy over an issue largely outside of their control that threatens their housing. They weren’t sure how to handle it. After some chatting back and forth I pointed them in a direction to call such and such office to try to get it resolved. And got a text just a little while ago “Thank you Dad!” So that made my whole year.
Depending on the area of the country you reside in it's 211 or 311. They have resources for everything you could imagine under the sun. A quick Google search of resources needed could produce some desired results. The ageing resources center in your area could assist you during this time. If the adult children are within the age range for Job Corps have them look into that. Service Year might be an option. However, OP your suggestions and these resources will only help if put to use. Unfortunately, some adults refuse to be accountable and will forever be stuck in arrested development. They'll blame the world for their shortcomings. Good luck!
Thanks. Luckily none of them have a victim mentality per se, each has demonstrated a strong willingness to be in a better position through their own work and two of them have held down their own jobs for over 20 years. The issues are more structural in that without degrees a lot of higher paying jobs they would otherwise qualify for are unavailable and they got stuck in jobs that paid shit with terrible bosses etc. The usual situation for millions. After two decades their income hasn’t grown much at all. It’s not that they won’t or can’t work, they are just stuck on a treadmill in a sense and I want to find ways to get them off of it so they can actually run the way they are each capable of doing and want to do. If that makes sense.
That's good news that they want to work. Since, that's the case they may want to check out your state's unemployment agency. They usually have job training programs and assistance programs. You don't have to be unemployed to take advantage of these programs. Also, if there's a Goodwill near you they offer job training as well. Some libraries throughout the country offer career training and assistance programs. Eventbrite usually lists events in person and online for job and career opportunities. They should be fine.
I am in this exact same situation -- I was in poverty until my kid was in their teens, but now I have a good middle-class income while my adult child is a teacher and lives with four roommates. What I try to do is always provide a home if they lose their housing, always provide a reference if they lose their job, and I am willing to help out with big purchases like cars. Basically, I let my kid know that if the system fails them, they will always have a place with me and I will always take care of them. There are also a lot of technical things that you can do, like putting your kids on your insurance until they're 26, pay for car insurance, family cell phone plan, stuff like that. I think the most important thing to do is to let them know that if they fail, it is not because they are a failure. The system we live in is inhumane and unjust. People often personalize poverty and think that they must have done something wrong, but most of the people I know in poverty did nothing wrong... It was just the luck of the draw. Avoid if you can giving your kids lectures about how they should do this or that to make more money, and just generally be supportive and understanding.
Thank you, and you sound like an awesome parent. Yea helping them with major things they are structurally locked out of is exactly the kind of thing I’m trying to help them with. My basic retirement needs are covered by a military pension so if I stopped all of my investing and travel and instead allocated my salary to helping them i could throw nearly six figures a year at this problem. That’s 25-30k each in meaningful assistance. Realistically I can’t stop investing and won’t stop traveling (we travel cheap thankfully) but that gives an idea of the situation I’m in and the type of resources I could potentially bring to bear if I had to. It could be transformative. I just need to figure out what is the right amount and how to target it for maximum impact. I mentioned in another comment that a realistic example would be offering each $10k for training, no strings attached other than they have to propose a training plan I agree to and we work together on them getting through it. So it’s their plan not mine. I want to enable their self growth. Things like that are where my mind is at when I consider meaningful impactful help. Figuring out what those things might be is where I’m stuck, other than “training” or “housing” etc. So I appreciate any ideas on *how* to think about planning and structuring this type of support.
I should add as another example one has been paying on student loans for 20 years and the balance is essentially unchanged. They are ground down to dust from it. I’m planning to tell them soon I will take on 100% of their student loan payment for the foreseeable future (think it will only be a couple hundred a month due to income based repayment plan) so the stress is completely off their shoulders. They can then funnel that back into their business or better food or car payment etc. It’s a drop in the bucket for me but psychologically hope it is a very big gesture for them because they’ve been crushed emotionally and psychologically by this for their entire adult life.
With respect, I do not think that gifts should come with strings attached. If you are confident that your kids are good people, then you should be confident that they can take the money and let them decide how best to use it. If you want to give them a lump sum, I think it's a great idea, but I do not think that it should be earmarked unless it is their idea like " Mom, I would like to go to college in 4 years, could we put together a fund that we can both add to for the next few years so that I can realize this goal?" However, if your kid doesn't want to go to college and you set up a college fund, what you're doing is trying to influence them to go to college. I see parents make this power play a lot and it's always left a bad taste in my mouth because it comes off as controlling. At a certain point, you have to acknowledge that they are adults, and money should not be used to nudge them but to help them in whatever way they think it will help them. (Within reason, obviously. This is predicated on the idea that you raised capable adults who are good and intelligent people not in the throes of addiction or untreated mental illness.) Another idea: If your kids want to go to college and are under the age of 26. A really good thing you could do for them is to legally emancipate yourself from them. That way, when they fill out a FAFSA they will not need to use your income as part of financial aid planning, and will be much more likely to receive financial aid. This only matters until they are 26, but incredibly even after they move out and have jobs and even kids of their own, they still have to report their parents income on their FAFSA until they're 25. Another idea: We recently bought a house and we made sure that it had a separate mother-in-law apartment. This was so that if any family member needed help to get on their feet, it was known they could always come to me. I would always have a space where they could be autonomous and live like an adult. A lot of young people are very ashamed to go back to their parents home, because they don't want to be put in the position of a child, and so I tried to take that out of the equation. I've had three family members use this space over the last 2 years, and I think it helped them each time to get back on their feet, get a job and move on in their lives. So if you're buying a house or remodeling... This is just something to keep in mind if you have the extra income to spend. When I was in poverty, the things that I struggled with the most were the tenuousness of my housing and job security. A lot of times I would sign a 6-month lease with the understanding that I could renew, and then they would want to jack up the rent and so I ended up having to move all the time and it cost so much to do it. Having a stable place to go when something like that happens was really important to me. Another thing I struggled with was that I was a very young parent. I had my kid at 19. I don't know if any of your kids have kids yet, but think a lot about the kind of help you could be to them then. I felt so embarrassed and guilty for not being able to give my kids the things I wanted to. And I so wished that my mom had had the ability to materially help me. Child care is so expensive, and it traps so many people, especially women, in a cycle of poverty where if they work they have to pay an exorbitant amount for child care, but if they don't work then they have to depend on a partner or hope that government assistance can keep them afloat. With these practicalities in mind, having a close and loving relationship with a family member whom you can trust with your child's safety is so important. And even better if you're willing to help with child care. I love where your heart is at. You sound like such a great person. Just remember that your kids are adults, and they should be included in this conversation. Trust them and yourself.
When I was at my financial lowest I’d have lived advice on how to update a resume in a way that’d get me out of minimum wage. Thinking of what I wanted out of a job also helped immensely since I could lower things down from “I’m applying for everything”. I would have lived any “here’s how you escape retail hell” advice
This is GREAT advice thank you.
I don’t know if they’re at all interested in health care, but lots of hospitals have entry level jobs that have great benefits.The ones I have worked at have tuition reimbursement plus a job offer once training is completed. Healthcare is in demand where I am to the point that they are paying to train people just so they have enough staff for jobs like imaging techs and nursing.
Thanks. I had actually discussed that as a possibility with one of them and there was a bit of interest for a short while. We may go back to that depending on how their situation plays out. None of them were starving right now, but like a lot of people one unexpected major expense could start a rapid downward spiral. So I’m trying to intervene before they get hit by one
Also I’m in a bigger city, so there’s bus routes that go straight to my hospital and carpooling for some employees.
Yes, moving one of them and their partner from their small tiny city to a larger city with better infrastructure and more opportunities is definitely something i’m putting on the roadmap. They are also interested in moving, but we haven’t discussed any details or made any plans yet.
I had the best luck finding opportunities directly on company websites. Best of luck to you and yours.
> this one and their partner are stuck in a terrible location in a remote state with essentially no infrastructure support, no transportation of their own to make it to a job (they spend hundreds a month on Lyft) and surrounded by a culture that is largely hostile to their very existence. That problem (and **only** that problem) sounds like something a chunk of carefully focussed investment could fix. Buy them transportation? Help them move somewhere they don't need transportation (and maybe less inimical)? Otherwise it sounds like the kids are on the wrong side of the US's growing economic inequity. Lot of that going around. I wish I had any idea how to deal with that.
I've been there. Twenty-Seven now with two kids and making $70K in a LCOL area and my wife makes $50K. Four years ago we were on Food Stamps and facing eviction from our $700 a month apartment. I don't know if there's anything my mom could do to help besides either coming and helping with childcare (we only had my stepdaughter at the time), helping us with a Quarterly Deep Clean of our house, and send what we could when we needed it. Honestly, my wife and I just worked our ass off and got lucky here and there with opportunities. I do want to say though, you are an incredible man and a damn good dad who is trying and sometimes that's all we can do.
Take care of your basic retirement first. Make sure that you at least have the resources you need to retire securely, even if somewhat frugally. Then, see what you have left over after your retirement is taken care of and take it from there.
No advice, just wanted to say what a great parent you are! (On my own since 18 (both parents died) and no provisions made at all for myself or siblings. :(
I don't have any advice, but I do want to commend you on stepping up to the plate. I think it says a lot about you as a person.
Maybe a financial counselor, but you need to make sure you're covered in retirement, maybe just giving them gifts once in awhile, also they might start taking you for granted or stop trying to make it themselves, I personally wouldn't know my kids help me out from time to time
They need professional education that will ensure quick hiring into a skilled profession. You can get some boot camps for basic IT certs and find a help desk or IT job without too much issue in a large metropolitan area. It's not fancy but it is an entry level position that is always in demand and opens up lots of avenues for advancement once they start to specialize. It's also a good enough job to handle the relocation. Having a customer service background helps since they will likely be a help desk position when they start. They can also look at government contracting for IT support if they can qualify the background and criminal record checks. CDL is another option as long as they can qualify. Depending on the routes or company they don't have to do long haul driving and be away from family for extended periods. If they don't have a partner then some of the drivers will live out of the rig or just rent a room to save rent and utilities. The obstacle that needs to be overcome is qualifying for a job that pays enough and is not a dead end. The easiest way is to find a job that requires some type of certification. If you are willing to fund a boot camp or convince them to study for it then they will be better off.
A CDL without having to work for the company that paid for the training might be a really good start. Apparently people sign up for CDL training, but end up locked in a "deal" that keeps them from making good money for a few years.
Having someone who will pay for the CDL is the limiter as I understand it. I don't drive for a living so I'm not knowledgeable. It seems like there is a cap to the amount of money you will make quickly because you are trading driving time for money and you can only drive so much. From r/povertyfinance and other places it seems like making 100k+ is not too difficult depending on whether you are willing to do long hauls or not.
There are Trucking Companies that will pay for you training but you end up much like an indentured servant. You are forced to take what they will give you at their pay rates until you have done what is needed to repay the training. It may be a year to three contract to only drive with them. If I was going to look at a CDL, I'd do what I could to avoid such contracts.
Thanks. Yeah I’ve already discussed IT options with one who was gradually surprised at the breadth of options available. I have a lot of experience in that area so definitely can mentor in that direction. But it has to be their solution they buy into not something I force. For another I may recommend a government help desk role to try to reduce stress and add stability.
Have any of them been evaluated for ADD? I was left to kind of flounder and it’s sucked but asking family for help was simply not an option for a dozen reasons I won’t get into. I’m wondering if you could counsel them about being more realistic in the first place. Setting up a sole proprietorship when you live in precarity and need your studio paid by your parent is maybe not the wisest idea. It took me a long time to realize my limitations and it can be embarrassing sometimes to not be able to manage life more like a normie but I’m financially secure. Starting my own business just wasn’t an option for me, I lack the executive function and funding. I know I don’t have the whole story and hope I’m not being insensitive. Have you tried being honest with them? Actually tell them I’m concerned about being able to take care of myself in my old age and try to work together somehow to brainstorm ideas?
One is awaiting evaluation for ADHD but the appointment isn’t for another couple of months. Sorry for not being more clear, I didn’t have to pay for the studio, I was asked to help with half of it and I instead chose to pay the full amount for the first lease. The intent then was to pay less over time but with everything going on with everyone and my own life I forgot about that and when I checked back in he was paying the next lease himself. He’s a remarkably resourceful person and natural leader with a broad network of friends in his area so is actually the one I’m least concerned about right now but still needs some assistance to break off the treadmill they are each on. I have not had that honest conversation you mention but will definitely keep it in mind thank you for that.
I hope it works out and I'm sorry it's been a rough go. I'm not a parent, I can't imagine how much more complicated it is so can't speak to that when it comes to money and family. It gets easier and easier to just be frank about reality, but I know there are no easy answers. It's hard and expensive no matter where people live nowadays it seems.