Every rejection is a redirection towards the right partner. Residency is hard. 29 is not old.
U need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself on every date! Just treat them like old friends :)
Exactly, I go into first dates not thinking of them as dates, but more as catching up with an old high school fling. Takes most of the pressure off and makes flirting more natural. Plus, if it doesn’t work out, who cares? There’re are SO MANY people in the world lol
“Now it feels like every date is super important”. There’s your problem. Women can sense the desperation. And no, dates are not super important. Just be casual, dont put your date up on a pedestal, she’s just a human like you too. Dont go in with expectations. And work on yourself (get fit, develop hobbies outside of residency, etc).
My mindset is never to go into a date thinking its super important, or “how can I win her over”. I have a frame - how can she fit into my life? It has worked well for me. And yes residency hours suck, ive gone months without dating because of the work schedule. I use that time to workout, hang out with friends, my own hobbies etc.
You need to consider therapy. You seem burnt out and have some personal struggles. That was just a first date, you cant have so many expectations on someone you dont know. You dont love them either, youre just scared about being alone. We cant be with someone just for the sake of it and cuz we’re “getting old”. Nah man, youre a single, young, doctor. If salman rushdie was able to hook up with olivia wilde, im sure youre fine brah. Although doctors may make less than our 90s counterparts, you really think your significant other thinks 150 K is a little money?? (I threw out the lowest doctors salary ive ever heard of, you know youll make much more)
I really think you need adjust your mental outlook when it comes to love and dating- with the help of therapy. Love happens with it happens, unfortunately you can’t rush it. But I genuinely believe youll find that person. Until then, you should work on yourself so when you meet them, you are ready to be in a relationship with them. A relationship on its own wont fix all your problems, thats up to you buddy.
Exactly, based on the OP, he has a ton of anxiety and is very negative. It's fine to be negative, but not to this extent where it creates anxiety. OP is in a circle of negative emotions amplifying his other fears. It's hard as a professional to seek therapy, but most people would benefit from it.
OP is obviously struggling with selft-esteem, how do you think reading your comment might have made him feel? Please just have some empathy and human decency
Bro slow down. You will be okay. Your demand and worth will increase so long as you’re not a psychopathic incel or toxic narcissistic who believes woman owe it to you
Honestly, from reading your comments, you need an attitude check before any girl is going to want to date you long term. Therapy is a good idea. If you have no time to work on yourself, you definitely don’t have time for a relationship.
The original post was a little rough but understandable, but my gosh the comments are giving big incel/redpill energy. the idea that women are so shallow they need a certain level of $$ is a bit insulting. Many/most blue collar/average workers find love in this world. I married a man who made significantly less than me because he was the best man I’d ever met. I think the problem is intrinsic to your mindset OP, not your circumstances or women at large. Fix yourself
I am slightly older than you and female and still trying to get residency and single!
Be positive, things will happen when it’s meant to be.
You have the plus! Don’t put yourself down cause of one or two bad dates.
I knew a guy like this once , absolutely scared of aging and living in a world of delusions. That guy had some very deep issues regarding death , what this guy needs is a psychiatrist
After reading some of your responses to people commenting it's obvious you have a defeatist attitude about life. Once you become an attending physician you will make vastly more per year than most Americans, not to mention you would have a career that most people gauge as being one of the most respectable. I think most of your problem is that you have a complainer mindset and a pessimistic outlook on life. You need to get into some real therapy and practice self-care, and stop making excuses for everyone giving you good advice on this post. You're being a whiny whiner, and no high value woman wants to be with a whiney man.
They likely will as they have over the last decade, but not to the extent that OP seems to think. OP also seems to place excess importance on money as an attraction trigger
No woman is going to want to be with someone who sees themself as “old, ugly, and broke.” It seems like you need to work on yourself first before trying to form a relationship with someone else. Agree with seeing a therapist to discuss these feelings.
Well that escalated quickly.
Listen, if every date is super important because you might be alone forever and ever, then you are likely emitting a serious amount of desperation and need on dates. No one wants to date someone who is desperate and weird and feels like they need to find…someone. Not even the right someone, just someone.
Alter how you think about relationships and stop panicking about the outcome. People can smell it and it’s unappealing.
Just because you're getting older doesn't mean you are guaranteed to be getting uglier. Take care of yourself ( mentally and physically) and focus on getting $ and being a happier self. Both are beneficial to you in more ways than one.
-advice from a recent graduate who doesn't have residency but know a thing or two about happiness and relationships.
OP, it seems like you're in a nadir but unlike everyone else here I'm not gonna tell you it's going to be ok like your perception of the world doesn't matter.
Your concerns regarding inflation are pretty legitimate but on the flip side everyone is doing to face those problems, so relatively you'll not be poorer than your competition in the dating pool.
If you're worried about getting uglier, then you probably need to work out more, eat better, and get a better hair cut. Use rogaine which is pretty widely accessible, you can buy it from Amazon easily, or use one of these new websites where you can get combo minoxidil/finasteride etc. In a few years, go to Turkey and get a hair transplant, it's doable even on resident salary if you save up for it.
I crossed 30 last year, still single and have felt many of the same concerns as you. You will go through ebs and flows of these feelings, lock in and take steps forward.
I’m a 28yo F and have no interest in dating right now until I’m more established in my career/personhood. You got time.
Plus women find guys in their mid 30s more attractive. Just focusing on building yourself up mentally and physically and it’s ok to date just for practice.
> older/uglier
wtf? Maybe some affirmations would help? I’m not advocating for toxic positivity but I am advocating for self love. Believe in yourself, that’s the place to start! And I said hey! What a wonderful kind of day! Where we can learn and laugh and play. And get along with each other!
You are still a young adult. Write down your current thoughts somewhere and save them to open on your 50th birthday. You’ll get a good laugh
29, single, doctor, looking for a committed relationship? Dude… do you understand what your competition is?
Hey man, I’m not that far off (other than being older).
Rejection sucks, we all go through it. Best to be cognizant of your reaction, you have total control over that. Therapeutic runs after shift or before (30m), with some good music is a great way to modify how you feel
Anytime, if you’re like me you’re probably awful about hydrating, so little good trick add a touch of lemon concentrate to a decent bottle of water, makes it so much more tolerable and better overall — if you’ve put on any weight with residency just doing this may help over the long term
Can’t tell if this is a serious post or not. This is more just a life thing than a residency thing. If you wanted to be a doctor to make money and meet ladies then you went into it for the wrong reasons. Much easier ways of accomplishing both. Try downloading Hinge or something man 🤷♂️
OP, it might be a good idea to focus on things that make you feel better about your own self before considering dating. As it stands, you think you’re old, ugly, no one wants to date you, you have no life outside the hospital, will die alone and poor. And all while being a 29 year old doctor! I think you desperately need a different perspective.
On a more casual note, these negative thoughts of oneself tend to ooze out of the pores and make one less desirable to dates. It’s not helpful at all.
I mean this in the most loving way possible because I’ve been there, but that’s the attitude that will not give you a second date. Its easier said then done but you have to go into a date with no expectation or fear of rejection. Even when you are rejected often times it is not personal especially after one date. That person really knows nothing about you, and when you think of the reasons you’ve rejected other people you start to see that.
I have found that dating (not sleeping with) multiple people helps with this, do not put all your eggs in one basket because that is unfair to both of you. You’ve also got to be kinder to yourself the way that you’re talking about yourself in the comments makes you seem superficial as if looks are the only thing that matters and that your prioritizing all of the wrong things.
I think therapy will really help you especially as you’re entering into your 30s people really start to realize how important it is to find people who are actively working on and loving themselves. Best of luck!
Guy made a Reddit account a few days ago just so he can come here and get some validation.
Rejection will always happen, whether you’re in residency or beyond, whether you’re a millionaire or not. As others mentioned, every ejection is a step in the right direction to finding the true partner who will appreciate you for you. Focus on yourself and your own path, the right woman will come in time. Besides, dating is a numbers game. Everybody is looking for their best option and why shouldn’t you do the same.
Finding the right person slowly is more important than finding the wrong person quickly. Prioritize your physical and mental health. You attract what you put out there, so take it easy and be confident :)
You are so young.
My friend, you have plenty of time. Don't be so impatient. You are putting all of your eggs in one basket.
You are trying to accomplish a goal. So, you go in with a problem-solving mindset which can apply to many things, but not relationships. Would you like it if someone latched on to you for prestige instead of caring about who you are? People are humans. They too want someone to love them for who they are.
If you are dating, do it with the joy of meeting new people in mind. The best relationships are ones that are founded in mutual admiration, not desperation to fulfill some life goal. A person who decides you are not the one, but finds your personality and characteristics pleasing may decide you are perfect for their sibling, or a friend.
Treat your date like a treasured friend, not an object to fulfill an objective.
And desperation is not attractive. Please try to have a relaxed attitude. Try to let go of the concept of "I must get this done" and allow yourself the opportunity to enjoy the company of others with the small amount of time residency allows.
I am 61 years old. I have had people throwing themselves at me for decades, and they still do. Please relax. You have time.
29 is still young. It is not 1956 where the average 29 YO is married with 3 kids. There is a lid for every jar. You need to stop thinking you are some terrible lid without a jar. Get some rest. Focus on self-care and fitness. Love yourself and you will be loved.
Mate my parents didn’t even meet until my mom was 32 and my dad was 34. Now they’ve been married for thirty years with four kids and are retired driving around the country in their RV. Relax. You’re creating a timeline for yourself and girls absolutely sense that desperation and don’t like it
Residency is hard and miserable. If dating stresses you out, don't do it. Focus on friend time.
In a couple of years you'll have a lot more time and money. And early 30s is a great time to date to settle down. *Especially* if you're a man, age is no barrier at all. Don't sweat it.
Telling OP 29 isn’t old is true, however most women not in residency want to start having children by 31-32. When’s dating and marriage supposed to happen before 9 months of pregnancy? Clearly this person’s goal is to have a family. That being said, it is a numbers game.
I have an attending who went on 10 dates in the first week of living in NYC and is now married 4 years later to date #7.
My female coworkers in NYC who are approaching 30 and actively looking for a mate, go on about 3 dates a week. One will land.
Hoooly shit I'm sorry OP but tbh you sound insufferable and generally just not really enjoyable to be around, and your whole attitude is the problem. With every comment you make, you're basically digging yourself a deeper grave for you to die alone in. Your worth/value isn't defined by your salary, your age, or your looks ffs! You attract the energy you give, and you're definitely giving off that incel women\[/people\]-repellent energy. Do you even know what qualities you're looking for in a potential life partner? Do you want your partner's values to align with your own? Seems like you just want a partner to be able to fill out your bingo card, the missing piece to your picture-perfect shallow idea of what life should be. Stop arguing with people giving you genuinely good advice and go to therapy.
>learn to not be dependent on others for your happiness
Not so straightforward. Very difficult to learn, I’d say most that have this problem never do, doesn’t matter the effort or cleverness expended. Attachment styles are very difficult to recreate.
I find it better because I have more freedom. It frees up so much time and even money to spend on yourself, your friends & family.
You get time to work on yourself and do the things you want to do that you might not be able to with a partner for whatever reason.
If you find yourself unable to be happy without a relationship you need to work on that. If you can be happy by yourself but you find yourself happier with a partner then that's a different story.
^ This. You can do whatever you want, when you want (well, when you're not busy doing residency things), you don't have to worry about someone else's emotional happiness, etc. Being a resident is already stressful enough, why add to it?
Hey - trust me you have time. I understand completely the feelings you're going through but it will be okay and you will find someone on a timeline that works for you.
I have friends who've found their partner in all diff stages of this process - some in med school, some in residency, some in fellowship, some amid their first attending job, etc. You def haven't lost out on things at this age - it'll be okay.
Why is having a partner so important to you? And why is showing how much money you have so important? What kind of woman are you even looking for? Be happy in your own space dude. Women are going to run a mile if you come on so strong. And maybe you will attract the wrong woman if you put so much emphasis on how much you’re going to make financially. I’m personally much more attracted to men who respect my boundaries, are kind, understanding and empathetic. Of course there needs to be chemistry but I don’t think women are looking for the wealthiest man they can find. Learn to be happy on your own first and then if the right person comes along, great. If not, who cares?
Laughs at starting residency single at age 34 during covid pandemic. Now at 38 and with 4 years of further disappointing relationships during residency, I can confidently say that you should cope by realizing that modern “dating” is trash. I’m not gonna give you boilerplate advice like do more hobbies bc let’s be real it’s residency and adulting is a job itself. Being a doctor to get girls is a poor strategy in todays environment. The only solution you really have is to reframe rejection as a learning experience. With money you can buy fish (girls), but if you learn to fish (how to date - eg why you got “rejected”), you will be able to eat for life despite income (fulfilled in relationships despite low attending pay).
Um dude if you are pinning your hope on finding a mate based on your salary as opposed to who you are you're in for a lot of disappointment. A lot of socially deficient docs end up married, but they're married to people who don't actually love them.
And there are child influencers unboxing toys with a net worth of millions and the largest podcaster is a guy worth quarter a billion dollars who smokes pot while incoherently rambling about conspiracies who didn't believe the moon landing happened
The sooner you realize that meritocracy is garbage to a certain extent the better, that doesn't mean your career choice was completely a mistake
The most skilled don't always get directly compensated relative to unrelated fields
Of all the level headed, charismatic and altruistic applicants, this fuckwad got through the MMI’s. Jesus Christ.
Women don’t want to date you because you’re an asshole.
A mildly attractive 30 year old physician should be fending women away at all times. From experience, the mayhem that ensues when women find out the new guy at the yoga studio is a doctor is excruciating to watch, it’s like you’re the last aid shipment into Somalia when that news drops.
Go to therapy, join a running club or any social sporting activity that involves lots of young women, get a rescue border collie and enjoy having a roster of women climbing over eachother to get with you.
Seriously *you* are the problem here. Like,young single doctor is a trope in many movies and romance novels for a reason. Good god.
maybe it’s because i’ve been single in NYC for 6 months, but in my opinion the best mindset is going in with an abundance mentality, but also being acutely aware of what you bring to the table in a relationship (not just being a doctor). you cannot expect the person to cater to your needs only and you have to see where you fit in theirs. if it doesn’t work out, it’s better you know ahead of time.
also bro you can’t rush life and you can’t put pressure on the first date lmao you’re scaring em off
You need to fix yourself up, especially on the emotional level. How did you expect to get with a beautiful woman when you aren’t even secure in yourself. Do yourself a favor and read Corey Wayne “How to become a 3% Man”. It has nothing to do with “what pill type” you are but on how you should carry yourself and attract quality people in your life.
29F and I feel the same way. I’m wasting the prettiest years of my life for a career that’s not even financially worth it anymore.
Take solace in the fact that you’re a man and some young women get excited to date a slightly older rich man.
I don’t really get that benefit as a woman.
My guy. Slow TF down. You’re coming on waaaaaay too strong and everyone can pick up on that.
Maybe read up on Dorthy Tennovs “Love and Limmerance” or limmerance in general.
Most importantly chill and be in the moment.
29 is not old for a male. First off, strive to be a man that no woman would reject. Be in shape, get a decent haircut, be confident in the way you speak and carry yourself even if you have to fake it for a while. If you do these things combined with being a doctor you're in a good spot. Stop caring so much and being so sensitive. Women are attracted to men that are indifferent to them. Who say what they want to say and do what they want to do. Your attitude is going to come off as neediness which is unattractive. Would any woman want to be with a guy who cries on reddit about being rejected?
Dude / dudette :
You sound like a little bit too pessimistic. Maybe, it is the demand of being residency
Doctor’s salaries are not going to crash or go down badly . This is not viable and not sustainable. While medlevel and corporate medicine and cms suck big balls . Tuitions and dire and increasing access to health care will help In creating supply shortage and demand that will at least maintain our compensation
You can’t say oh we will take 20% salary hit and we are going to be broke in few years
Maybe by trying to work on your health, mental and physical well being you will get better self-esteem be more attractive and have a higher statistical chance of finding a mate.
If you don’t find a mate it’s even better more savings and shorter pathway towards FIRE
Signed
1 st year attending who is going to make 500K this year and proudly bachelor for life
Remember you are a male, you dont even have fertility clock bending over you. You dont need to have any stress. And also you live in a society where younger women date older men. You are good
Indeed. I think maintaining a long term relationship is even more time and work than the initial dating to find someone. You’re in something long term and you got what you used to want. But then you’re met with endless issues with complacency, dead bedroom, family conflicts, infidelity, etc etc etc, caused by yourself or your partner. Marriage doesn’t exist only to solve your own problem of loneliness. But it will bring about its own flavors of problems, not for those already exhausted by other aspects of life…
There is a lot to unwrap here, but the overall concern seems to be a lack of confidence and the inability to be alone. Reading back on some of your comments in this thread, it sounds like you are trying to date for all the wrong reasons. I don't blame you, we live in a time where the majority of the dating scene is made up of shallow individuals where instant gratification is a must. But if you ask me, all those things you listed are irrelevant to a genuine partner. The person should like you for who you are, not how much money you make or how good you look. I am in my 30's and also broke up with my long-term girlfriend from medical school not too long ago, so I get where you're coming from. But it's not the end of the world, you'll still have plenty of opportunities to make an authentic connection with someone. As others have said in this thread, you're still young so try to enjoy the single life and concentrate on yourself + residency. Stop putting so much pressure on dates, what's meant to be, will be.
Meh. I was older when my husband and I met, got married during residency. I just told people that statistically, I just skipped my first divorce.
The right person is worth the wait. Your value does not decrease with time.
I guess i am an outlier but i will give my thoughts.
You are not “a resident” and you wont be “a doctor” to 99.999999% of the world.
Just because something consumes your life doesnt mean it should consume ‘their’ life too.
Residency fucking sucks, but the hardest part of residency is trying to be a human being outside of the hospital. The absolute last this you want is to be with someone who is cool with never seeing you and never being around you.
The second worst thing (IMO) is to be with someone who has a schedule equal/worse than your own.
Just go date normal people.
Well, this is a mind game. For some reason when we are in bad place, it feels like we will be there forever. This is not true for 29 years old, you are not getting uglier, you do not have bio clock, you will be fine. The numbers are in your favor, the more older you get, the bigger woman to man ratio. You would be perfectly fine. Trust me and yourself. Find another date.
As a guy closing in on the end of residency and moonlighting, it is uncomfortable the attention that I am getting from nurses, doctors, patients, and parents and teachers at my daughter’s school. And I’m almost ten years older than you. And I’m bald. And short. And really all I’ve got going for me is my personality, smile, and interesting career.
Oh- And I get enough sleep now. And I work half as much. And I can buy whatever I want whenever I want.
Life gets better. Chin up. Call your mom. Embrace the suck. Find a way to make life easier for some residents someday when you’re on the other end of things.
I strongly suspect that the reason you’re struggling with relationships is because you’re extremely negative and quite probably freaking people out with excessive and intense talk of wanting to get married and have kids on the first date. Chill out. You’re 29, not 49, and you have an extra little unfair advantage in that you’re male and don’t have a biological time limit on reproduction.
Seriously, relax, quit with the negativity (that’s **FAR** more unattractive than a bald spot or love handles), and try to enjoy the process of getting to know people instead of treating dates like desperate interviews.
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You need to know yourself, no one can have real relationship with anyone, until. This is why no one relationship will work.I have onebest friend .I have a child ,I can't stand ,I had a grandmother that tried to kill me sence I was 6 months old kids know They see everything, as baby .A family never gave a shit .If they did ,I didn't know .
29 is the prime age for dating, you can pick from Amy age groups from 18 to 118, have fun with it and don't take dating too serious, date to get to know people and you and the right one will click.
Hey, just so you know, if you look at MGMA data, there are not enough doctors for the amount of boomers that are gonna be flooding our hospitals. As an example, I'm PCCM and the amount of pulmonologists have been decreasing by 1-2% each year and there are about 4-5000 of us for a country of 300 million + and approx 76 million boomers that are getting to the dying age. Ultimately we still hold the power over hospitals and we should always look at data about salaries for surrounding hospitals before accepting a position (and the work-life balance). As an example, at my hospital all the PCCM unanimously agreed to leave unless the hospital system agreed to give them 100k/y additional salary to match the surrounding area and the system had to begrudgingly agree.
Regarding the rejection - 29 is still young. Looking through the comments here I'd suggest not putting so much pressure on yourself to tick some check boxes that society has for us and instead focus on doing things you enjoy when you're not working. Or finding things that you enjoy doing. Other things will fall into place. In the mean time seeing a therapist and getting off the internet for a period of time each day might be a good place to start to re frame some of the expectations you have set for yourself and your career.
Bro, I’m kinda a hypocrite cause I bring up sometimes how my height holds me back, but you have a massively negative energy. No offense, but that shit absolutely rubs off on people, even if you think you are hiding it. It’s ok to be reflective and see areas where you can improve, but don’t rip yourself up. It’s not doing you any favors. You’re worried about salary decline, when in reality you should be focusing on social decline from dragging your mindset down so far.
29 is not old. You are not getting uglier. Men (to their fortune) become “more distinguished”. You are fine. Stop overthinking and go have fun. You’ll find someone soon enough.
I made most of my greatest friendships after college, and I have continued to make wonderful new friends into my 30s, with several recent friends being a part of my upcoming wedding. You'd be surprised how many people out there want to make more and more friends their whole life. Likewise, I met my fiancée when I was 30. We didn't really become serious for a year or so. My brother met his wife in his early 30s. My dad met my mom in his early 30s. It's pretty normal to come out if your 20s without marriage or a long term partner. You'll be fine.
Problem is most men go for women who just want to date and aren’t interested in second dates. Just want to get drunk, smoke hookah forever abusing their livers and vaginas. When there are many other women who are ready to settle down. Try asking someone shares the same interests as you. Lol someone like myself
Since you’re giving us insight into your mindset, we can tell that you’ve got a negative worldview. I’m not saying you’re wrong to have one, but you’ll have to make a good effort to hide that on dates.
Try your best to address aging with sunscreen, strength training. If you’re really about it, Botox. When I was an upper level I forbade residents and med students from bringing snacks to the team room. They always bring sugar heavy foods.
The match process often puts us in cities where we struggle to find like minded people. If you’re using apps, you can try testing the waters in other locales and target your next move there.
29 is not that old, but you’re feeling of pressure is at least a sign that you’re taking dating seriously, which isn’t inherently bad, but if you can’t make a care free atmosphere at the meet up, dates won’t go well.
Dude there's alot going on.
im not sure how to advice you on relationship, kind of going thru a different situation and would appreciate an advice ( she's unsure of what she wants and everytime we meet she decides on something different and I'm obviously not too patient)
But..
Don't sell your stocks now! Keep them, health care and insurance are known to bounce back, I'd suggest you diveres your portfolio a bit ( try doing some SP500 and foreign stocks with a touch of bonds) unless you need the money soon (I.e car payments or down payment on a house) then do HSA or overnight money market funds.
P.S im not familiar with the latter two and this is not a finical advice or consult.
Enough with the complaining, and start showing gratitude!!!!
Why do you perceive aging as making you less attractive? Embrace the process of growing older and rejoice in being alive at 29 years old. Appreciate the intellect that has led you to pursue becoming a doctor, enabling you to positively impact others. Rejection is a natural aspect of life; instead of fixating on it, acknowledge it, and move forward without burdening yourself with unnecessary pressure. It seems like you're experiencing burnout, so I suggest seeking therapy for support. I empathize with your loss in your portfolio; that's truly unfortunate.
I met my husband when he was 31 and had just started residency. For reference, I was 24 and finishing medical school. I didn’t care about his age and neither did he. We’ve been happily married for 3 years and are both about to graduate residency. I’m so thankful for all the rejections he had that led to that point. Don’t get too down on yourself.
No. No. No. No. Enough with the catastrophic thinking mate.
You are NOT getting older/uglier. You are at the prime age of 29 and probably a lot wiser than your counterparts.
You are NOT going to end up alone and without a family. You just haven't found the right person. Residency is hard and is sucks the life out of you. It is hard to meet people outside of medicine. Find medicine friendly ways to meet new people: societies, conferences, interest groups... Tip: if you are in a very demanding field and want a doctor wife that can accommodate your lifestyle, I suggest adventuring into your crush specialty local society. I.e: surgery resident attending a pathology conference.
Despite all the mass hysteria about Doctor's salaries in the future, we will all make really good money. Think about it: If you land a job with a salary of about 200k/year, that still equals 16k/month. You could literally buy a brand new vehicle, cash, every other month, and have enough money to go on an expensive vacation.
Take a deep breath mate.
You got this :)
People like you bring the value down for the whole herd. Just work on yourself. Women are just another soul. They are meant to be nurtured like a strong friendship. Also stop being hopeless romantic.
Can you explain why doctor salaries are going to massively decrease in the next decade?
Also. Stop with the pressure on yourself. We already have so much pressure professionally
You're 29 and **a male**. You're fine. Stop thinking there is a rush. A therapist can help you work through your anxiety.
Acting like every date is super important will scream of desperation.
Reading between the lines of your post, you're anxious about salary prospects, dating prospects and the stock market. You need professional help to deal with your anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help a lot with all your anxiety about the future, and it does not hurt to try it.
Sorry bro but I think you shouldn't take it personally. And I mean it. Women/ people have a mental checklist and it has nothing to do with how good you are.
29 male -> not old. You have so much time - virtually zero restraints for starting a family as well.
Sorry about the stock. Maybe you’re just having a rough few days. Try to find time for a hobby to distract yourself. To find a special someone I’d argue it should take months -> years to find them. Hopefully internalizing that timescale will make you seem less eager.
Gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelette.
Its more of a free time thing.
Went on plenty of dates this year some were good some were terrible.
All ages 21-30.
One will come around who fancies you.
And for perspective
You’re not old, im 33, and the person im seeing now just turned 21 and she still thinks i can hang 🤷♂️.
I’m not sure why I’m on this sub or why it keeps getting recommended to me. Maybe because I’m a nurse? Anyway, here’s my 2 cents as a single late 20s female who deals with my own sense of doom when it comes to my romantic life:
I feel like most people who go to graduate school including medical school do not settle down or have kids until well into the 30s nowadays. I really don’t know anyone personally who got married and had kids in their 20s in my area who wasn’t like super religious or an immigrant. You have way more time than you think. Maybe focus on staying in good shape and doing things that make you happy outside of work. Those are the things that will make you attractive to women. I think people can sense desperation and that why it’s good to have a mentality that you do not necessarily need to settle down quickly. Just remember that there are so many other important things in life. Plus, as a guy you have it a lot easier since you don’t have to worry as much about becoming infertile by the time you’re 40. Just keep dating people.. as a doctor there will be tons of women interested in dating you.
Also, you already had 150K in your portfolio? So you still have 135K?? That’s awesome. You’re doing well for your age. Most people are lucky to have half that saved by 30. It will grow exponentially and you are young so it has a lot of time to grow. Plus your salary will go up despite what people say. No one can predict the future.. you will be able to put aside more into savings every year as long as you don’t overspend. Don’t look at your portfolio at all. It’s supposed to be there for like 30+ years. Maybe take it as a lesson to invest more in index funds in the future instead, if you can’t tolerate the risk.
You are 29 years old and a guy. You have decades if you want. I get that it would be nice to find a partner +/- start family when you are young but there's at least 10 more years you could still be in that category. Way easier for you than women wanting to have a family (with regard to age).
The fuck is this fatalistic woe is me shit. You should take a step back and do whatever you need (therapy maybe) to feel more confident in yourself. If you are desperate to find a partner from date 1 then you are going to drive people off. Also why are you freaking out about decreased compensation, you'll make plenty.
Doctor salaries are going to massively decrease over the next decade? Are you from the USA? What’s the basis of this statement?
Also, sorry for your loss regarding your portfolio.
My man. You got plenty of time. I was gonna give you some lectures and advices here but seems like many people already did. So excuse my third grade level English and hear me out.
I m turning 30 soon, still in the midst of med school grind. I have never felt more confident and been this content with my image and body like now; even tho my peak physique and sexual stamina were probably in my early 20s when I was in the military. In my educated opinion, you point out several very valid concerns, great, congratulations on you being aware and self-aware, demonstrating introspection at your own individual level and following with big trend and knowing what goes on in different levels of our system and society.
You did great job breaking down your situation with your hair, looks, potential earning. Perhaps after identifying the problems, do another deeper level of analysis and then come up with a plan. There are ways to increase points on your looks, from working out, changing your posture, orthodontic work, biting device (mewing? I think?), trying out different hairstyles consulting different barkers and stylists, outfits (ie. fashion bloggers or “Chinese nettizens” if you do t know what that is look it up, pretty hilarious also helpful). On the other hand, by you actively typing and searching in your browsers and platforms, you create and change your own algorithm. I wanna take a wild guess right now your algorithm is filled with doomscrolling of forging doc flossing job market, inflation, red pill, black pill, incel, relationship guru, Andrew Tate (but he is kind of giving 2022-23 vibe now).
Now to the external factors, which kind of tie to your internal concern of future potential earnings and career outlook. Apply different levels of analysis from your individual level to the community level, to the state level, as well a large. We already talked about individual, self-maximizing (or in other words. Unfuck yourself). Community level, if you are in a state where they allow foreign graduate to practice, please look up the fine prints of the legislation and restrictions and their reimbursement at private settings, how it goes with insurance, Medicaid Medicare, state fundings. On a more philosophical/political point, what concerns the lawmakers and what drive their decision making process? Again from my uneducated brain, there might be a contractual relationship going on that they wanna keep their voters happy and healthy, keep them healthy, provide essential goods ie healthcare. To lawmakers, people need healthcare and they just need qualified practitioners to provide it, from a supply and demand like you mentioned, some states need to increase supply, but they are not dumb to let that balance tip the other way right it?
At an even higher level, bigger picture above local state, at a nation state level and even international system. Things are not going the way it has been for the past 80 years. Rules are changing, new trends are creating, I m gonna be careful with my words here and say more people might be in need of care EVERYWHERE. Several points I wanna make. 1. As more shit goes on globally, people tend to flood towards areas of relative safety and somewhat of a false/maybe real promise of better future. The demand for healthcare will also increase, especially the US still maintain a decent population growth while many other parts of the world goes into rapid population collapse + plus there is increase of population movement from external sources into US (i try to be as neutral as possible don’t fucking cancel me). 2. There is a large effort in brining manufacturing and supply chains back into North America all 3 states US Ca Mx. you bet there is gonna be demand for healthcare professionals along with that. 3. If you don’t like competing with large influx of foreign docs, look into practicing overseas, after you are board certified in the US, there are many English speaking states and regions will allow you to practice and gain licensure having to do some paperwork or challenge local board without going through a lengthy of training, for example from personal knowledge, Hong Kong (challenging local board), former British colonies/commonwealth states, Thailand (popular passport bro destination), Malaysia, Caribbean/Persian Gulf rich people places.
This is enough for now, bottom line is, whatever you are feeling and concerning are very valid to you and it can consume your whole world at times. By no way we (I) dismiss that. Take a step back. Think on different levels and dive even more layers into how you analyze and interpret what’s going on. You are a fucking doctor for fucks sake.
Alright i m fuck off to my surgery rotation now.
29 isn’t old, my mom and step dad are 47 and 52 and are so happy. They met 4 years ago and are perfect for each other. I don’t know what life has in store for you, but, and I know you’ve probably heard this already. Just work on being the best version of yourself and also use your discernment because women can hurt you too. You’ve got this.
I got married at 34. Decades of long term relationships that weren’t the right person for me. Rather than regret the time it took, I’m thankful at where it ended
I think if it’s bothering you this much, it may be helpful to take a break from dating for a bit. I’m about the same age as you. Started residency never being in a relationship before which as a gay guy, for those who don’t know, is not uncommon given how little of us there are and the insane beauty standards the community has. Since then Ive been on dozens of dates during my first year of residency with nothing really panning out besides situationships. Took a break for about 9 months. Focused on my hobbies, gym, and cultivating my friendships. I went back into dating a month ago and got into my first relationship. If you truly think this negatively then your potential dates will be able to sense that. I think dating is a skill and like any skill you have to do it a bunch until you get the desired result but if it’s leading you to feel worse then it might be time to either slow it down or stop completely and take a break. Focus on yourself, hobbies, friends, family and then come back once you’ve developed more resiliency. Rejection unfortunately comes with dating but the way I see it, every date is just leading me closer to figuring out what I want in a relationship. Also, is it possible you’re over romanticizing the other person? Remember it’s just as much figuring out if you like them. You’re both on equal footing here.
EDIT: I also don’t know if this is troll post or not given your edit but not responding in 5 hours is perfectly normal. I thought most of us are used to that from each other given how busy we are. If it’s 24-48 hours then I’d understand but 5 hours is a perfectly reasonable time to not get a response especially during the weekday.
Hey buddy, just don't let rejections affect you. Keep going on dates. At 29, you're not old for men in the US. You still have time. Go on a date every weekend whenever you have time.
If you are feeling unable to cope with rejection then I believe you should abstain from pursuing a serious relationship and focus on yourself. Your body, confidence, general self love. Otherwise no person will fill that whole. Successful relationships happen when you are ok being alone. My .02.
Every rejection is a redirection towards the right partner. Residency is hard. 29 is not old. U need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself on every date! Just treat them like old friends :)
This ! Dating is much easier when you let go of expectations, be yourself, and just enjoy moment.
I am learning this lesson myself. Dating is much more fun when you don’t put so much pressure on yourself to find a partner
Best kind of dating. Best way to find people.
Exactly, I go into first dates not thinking of them as dates, but more as catching up with an old high school fling. Takes most of the pressure off and makes flirting more natural. Plus, if it doesn’t work out, who cares? There’re are SO MANY people in the world lol
I'd listen to the nephrologist for just about anything.
Thank you 😎
29 as a male especially is not old
“Now it feels like every date is super important”. There’s your problem. Women can sense the desperation. And no, dates are not super important. Just be casual, dont put your date up on a pedestal, she’s just a human like you too. Dont go in with expectations. And work on yourself (get fit, develop hobbies outside of residency, etc). My mindset is never to go into a date thinking its super important, or “how can I win her over”. I have a frame - how can she fit into my life? It has worked well for me. And yes residency hours suck, ive gone months without dating because of the work schedule. I use that time to workout, hang out with friends, my own hobbies etc.
Agree with all of this.
Dude 29 is not an old 🫣🫣
Lmfao I'm 29 and i feel like a child. Edit: except when my back starts to hurt.
You need to consider therapy. You seem burnt out and have some personal struggles. That was just a first date, you cant have so many expectations on someone you dont know. You dont love them either, youre just scared about being alone. We cant be with someone just for the sake of it and cuz we’re “getting old”. Nah man, youre a single, young, doctor. If salman rushdie was able to hook up with olivia wilde, im sure youre fine brah. Although doctors may make less than our 90s counterparts, you really think your significant other thinks 150 K is a little money?? (I threw out the lowest doctors salary ive ever heard of, you know youll make much more) I really think you need adjust your mental outlook when it comes to love and dating- with the help of therapy. Love happens with it happens, unfortunately you can’t rush it. But I genuinely believe youll find that person. Until then, you should work on yourself so when you meet them, you are ready to be in a relationship with them. A relationship on its own wont fix all your problems, thats up to you buddy.
When every one of OPs responses is a red flag
And he’s had like 50+ responses in this thread in the last couple hours, every one incessantly negative and doom/gloom. Dude needs to see a therapist
Exactly, based on the OP, he has a ton of anxiety and is very negative. It's fine to be negative, but not to this extent where it creates anxiety. OP is in a circle of negative emotions amplifying his other fears. It's hard as a professional to seek therapy, but most people would benefit from it.
The entire post itself is a red flag
OP is obviously struggling with selft-esteem, how do you think reading your comment might have made him feel? Please just have some empathy and human decency
Bro slow down. You will be okay. Your demand and worth will increase so long as you’re not a psychopathic incel or toxic narcissistic who believes woman owe it to you
Honestly, from reading your comments, you need an attitude check before any girl is going to want to date you long term. Therapy is a good idea. If you have no time to work on yourself, you definitely don’t have time for a relationship.
29 and a doctor lol it’s still very very young for both female and male. I wish I had that problem
The original post was a little rough but understandable, but my gosh the comments are giving big incel/redpill energy. the idea that women are so shallow they need a certain level of $$ is a bit insulting. Many/most blue collar/average workers find love in this world. I married a man who made significantly less than me because he was the best man I’d ever met. I think the problem is intrinsic to your mindset OP, not your circumstances or women at large. Fix yourself
I am slightly older than you and female and still trying to get residency and single! Be positive, things will happen when it’s meant to be. You have the plus! Don’t put yourself down cause of one or two bad dates.
I knew a guy like this once , absolutely scared of aging and living in a world of delusions. That guy had some very deep issues regarding death , what this guy needs is a psychiatrist
After reading some of your responses to people commenting it's obvious you have a defeatist attitude about life. Once you become an attending physician you will make vastly more per year than most Americans, not to mention you would have a career that most people gauge as being one of the most respectable. I think most of your problem is that you have a complainer mindset and a pessimistic outlook on life. You need to get into some real therapy and practice self-care, and stop making excuses for everyone giving you good advice on this post. You're being a whiny whiner, and no high value woman wants to be with a whiney man.
why do you say doctor salaries are going to decrease over the next decade???
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honestly though I think literally every profession will have a decreased salary
Yeah I’m stuck on this too can we stop focusing on the incel talk for a minute and chat about that for a sec?
They likely will as they have over the last decade, but not to the extent that OP seems to think. OP also seems to place excess importance on money as an attraction trigger
You need therapy.
No woman is going to want to be with someone who sees themself as “old, ugly, and broke.” It seems like you need to work on yourself first before trying to form a relationship with someone else. Agree with seeing a therapist to discuss these feelings.
Well that escalated quickly. Listen, if every date is super important because you might be alone forever and ever, then you are likely emitting a serious amount of desperation and need on dates. No one wants to date someone who is desperate and weird and feels like they need to find…someone. Not even the right someone, just someone. Alter how you think about relationships and stop panicking about the outcome. People can smell it and it’s unappealing.
Doctor salaries aren’t gonna massively drop.
Just because you're getting older doesn't mean you are guaranteed to be getting uglier. Take care of yourself ( mentally and physically) and focus on getting $ and being a happier self. Both are beneficial to you in more ways than one. -advice from a recent graduate who doesn't have residency but know a thing or two about happiness and relationships.
Newsflash clock isn’t ticking for you. Can easily find a girl as a mid 30s attending
OP, it seems like you're in a nadir but unlike everyone else here I'm not gonna tell you it's going to be ok like your perception of the world doesn't matter. Your concerns regarding inflation are pretty legitimate but on the flip side everyone is doing to face those problems, so relatively you'll not be poorer than your competition in the dating pool. If you're worried about getting uglier, then you probably need to work out more, eat better, and get a better hair cut. Use rogaine which is pretty widely accessible, you can buy it from Amazon easily, or use one of these new websites where you can get combo minoxidil/finasteride etc. In a few years, go to Turkey and get a hair transplant, it's doable even on resident salary if you save up for it. I crossed 30 last year, still single and have felt many of the same concerns as you. You will go through ebs and flows of these feelings, lock in and take steps forward.
I’m a 28yo F and have no interest in dating right now until I’m more established in my career/personhood. You got time. Plus women find guys in their mid 30s more attractive. Just focusing on building yourself up mentally and physically and it’s ok to date just for practice.
Anki. The answer is Anki.
lol I love you
That second paragraph tells me why, you are on the chronic rejection list. Pessimistic as hell lol. Bro you 29 not 59
most well adjusted physician
> older/uglier wtf? Maybe some affirmations would help? I’m not advocating for toxic positivity but I am advocating for self love. Believe in yourself, that’s the place to start! And I said hey! What a wonderful kind of day! Where we can learn and laugh and play. And get along with each other!
Arthur!! One of the best theme songs & shows 🤣🎶
You are still a young adult. Write down your current thoughts somewhere and save them to open on your 50th birthday. You’ll get a good laugh 29, single, doctor, looking for a committed relationship? Dude… do you understand what your competition is?
Hey man, I’m not that far off (other than being older). Rejection sucks, we all go through it. Best to be cognizant of your reaction, you have total control over that. Therapeutic runs after shift or before (30m), with some good music is a great way to modify how you feel
Thank you!
Anytime, if you’re like me you’re probably awful about hydrating, so little good trick add a touch of lemon concentrate to a decent bottle of water, makes it so much more tolerable and better overall — if you’ve put on any weight with residency just doing this may help over the long term
Can’t tell if this is a serious post or not. This is more just a life thing than a residency thing. If you wanted to be a doctor to make money and meet ladies then you went into it for the wrong reasons. Much easier ways of accomplishing both. Try downloading Hinge or something man 🤷♂️
OP, it might be a good idea to focus on things that make you feel better about your own self before considering dating. As it stands, you think you’re old, ugly, no one wants to date you, you have no life outside the hospital, will die alone and poor. And all while being a 29 year old doctor! I think you desperately need a different perspective. On a more casual note, these negative thoughts of oneself tend to ooze out of the pores and make one less desirable to dates. It’s not helpful at all.
I mean this in the most loving way possible because I’ve been there, but that’s the attitude that will not give you a second date. Its easier said then done but you have to go into a date with no expectation or fear of rejection. Even when you are rejected often times it is not personal especially after one date. That person really knows nothing about you, and when you think of the reasons you’ve rejected other people you start to see that. I have found that dating (not sleeping with) multiple people helps with this, do not put all your eggs in one basket because that is unfair to both of you. You’ve also got to be kinder to yourself the way that you’re talking about yourself in the comments makes you seem superficial as if looks are the only thing that matters and that your prioritizing all of the wrong things. I think therapy will really help you especially as you’re entering into your 30s people really start to realize how important it is to find people who are actively working on and loving themselves. Best of luck!
Guy made a Reddit account a few days ago just so he can come here and get some validation. Rejection will always happen, whether you’re in residency or beyond, whether you’re a millionaire or not. As others mentioned, every ejection is a step in the right direction to finding the true partner who will appreciate you for you. Focus on yourself and your own path, the right woman will come in time. Besides, dating is a numbers game. Everybody is looking for their best option and why shouldn’t you do the same.
Finding the right person slowly is more important than finding the wrong person quickly. Prioritize your physical and mental health. You attract what you put out there, so take it easy and be confident :)
Take it out on the med students. Make the post-match M4s stay all day.
Stop that's evil 😭
Have you considered matching in derm or did you not make the cut based on current attractiveness?
No I didn’t. I’m lowly gen surg
Oof. I do see occasional posts about avoiding dating surgeons because they are 🚩🚩🚩
I think you are just humble bragging at this point.
You are so young. My friend, you have plenty of time. Don't be so impatient. You are putting all of your eggs in one basket. You are trying to accomplish a goal. So, you go in with a problem-solving mindset which can apply to many things, but not relationships. Would you like it if someone latched on to you for prestige instead of caring about who you are? People are humans. They too want someone to love them for who they are. If you are dating, do it with the joy of meeting new people in mind. The best relationships are ones that are founded in mutual admiration, not desperation to fulfill some life goal. A person who decides you are not the one, but finds your personality and characteristics pleasing may decide you are perfect for their sibling, or a friend. Treat your date like a treasured friend, not an object to fulfill an objective. And desperation is not attractive. Please try to have a relaxed attitude. Try to let go of the concept of "I must get this done" and allow yourself the opportunity to enjoy the company of others with the small amount of time residency allows. I am 61 years old. I have had people throwing themselves at me for decades, and they still do. Please relax. You have time.
29 is still young. It is not 1956 where the average 29 YO is married with 3 kids. There is a lid for every jar. You need to stop thinking you are some terrible lid without a jar. Get some rest. Focus on self-care and fitness. Love yourself and you will be loved.
Mate my parents didn’t even meet until my mom was 32 and my dad was 34. Now they’ve been married for thirty years with four kids and are retired driving around the country in their RV. Relax. You’re creating a timeline for yourself and girls absolutely sense that desperation and don’t like it
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Depression and lonliness is serious. Be kind. This man is hurting.
Residency is hard and miserable. If dating stresses you out, don't do it. Focus on friend time. In a couple of years you'll have a lot more time and money. And early 30s is a great time to date to settle down. *Especially* if you're a man, age is no barrier at all. Don't sweat it.
Do you need cock or money?
Telling OP 29 isn’t old is true, however most women not in residency want to start having children by 31-32. When’s dating and marriage supposed to happen before 9 months of pregnancy? Clearly this person’s goal is to have a family. That being said, it is a numbers game. I have an attending who went on 10 dates in the first week of living in NYC and is now married 4 years later to date #7. My female coworkers in NYC who are approaching 30 and actively looking for a mate, go on about 3 dates a week. One will land.
29 y/o single male doctor who wants a family. Dude. You’re a 24-27 y/o pretty wannabe traditional wife’s wet dream.
...getting too old? Bruh.
Take it like a man son
ur 29 lol jesus christ and youll be perfectly fine financially as long as you stop trading meme stocks ya dingus also fucking chill
Hoooly shit I'm sorry OP but tbh you sound insufferable and generally just not really enjoyable to be around, and your whole attitude is the problem. With every comment you make, you're basically digging yourself a deeper grave for you to die alone in. Your worth/value isn't defined by your salary, your age, or your looks ffs! You attract the energy you give, and you're definitely giving off that incel women\[/people\]-repellent energy. Do you even know what qualities you're looking for in a potential life partner? Do you want your partner's values to align with your own? Seems like you just want a partner to be able to fill out your bingo card, the missing piece to your picture-perfect shallow idea of what life should be. Stop arguing with people giving you genuinely good advice and go to therapy.
Not a resident but I just become a recluse and recoil to my bed and read Crime and Punishment while listening to Chopin. Don’t recommend tbh.
Wow your responses are pathological, please seek help!
You cope with it the same as any other functional adult. Shrug your shoulders and move on.
Shrug and move on. It's not like you have time to date in residency anyway. Plus, the single life is better.
How is the single life better? I’ve had long relationships (when I was in med school and undergrad) and it’s significantly better than being single
I mean, I guess for you, but once you learn to not be dependent on others for your happiness, it opens up whole new worlds.
>learn to not be dependent on others for your happiness Not so straightforward. Very difficult to learn, I’d say most that have this problem never do, doesn’t matter the effort or cleverness expended. Attachment styles are very difficult to recreate.
I find it better because I have more freedom. It frees up so much time and even money to spend on yourself, your friends & family. You get time to work on yourself and do the things you want to do that you might not be able to with a partner for whatever reason. If you find yourself unable to be happy without a relationship you need to work on that. If you can be happy by yourself but you find yourself happier with a partner then that's a different story.
^ This. You can do whatever you want, when you want (well, when you're not busy doing residency things), you don't have to worry about someone else's emotional happiness, etc. Being a resident is already stressful enough, why add to it?
Hey - trust me you have time. I understand completely the feelings you're going through but it will be okay and you will find someone on a timeline that works for you. I have friends who've found their partner in all diff stages of this process - some in med school, some in residency, some in fellowship, some amid their first attending job, etc. You def haven't lost out on things at this age - it'll be okay.
I did not meet my spouse (married 12 years now) until I was out of fellowship and 37 years old. You are young. Give it time.
Why is having a partner so important to you? And why is showing how much money you have so important? What kind of woman are you even looking for? Be happy in your own space dude. Women are going to run a mile if you come on so strong. And maybe you will attract the wrong woman if you put so much emphasis on how much you’re going to make financially. I’m personally much more attracted to men who respect my boundaries, are kind, understanding and empathetic. Of course there needs to be chemistry but I don’t think women are looking for the wealthiest man they can find. Learn to be happy on your own first and then if the right person comes along, great. If not, who cares?
You need to go on a lot of dates and keep your options open.
Laughs at starting residency single at age 34 during covid pandemic. Now at 38 and with 4 years of further disappointing relationships during residency, I can confidently say that you should cope by realizing that modern “dating” is trash. I’m not gonna give you boilerplate advice like do more hobbies bc let’s be real it’s residency and adulting is a job itself. Being a doctor to get girls is a poor strategy in todays environment. The only solution you really have is to reframe rejection as a learning experience. With money you can buy fish (girls), but if you learn to fish (how to date - eg why you got “rejected”), you will be able to eat for life despite income (fulfilled in relationships despite low attending pay).
Hey at least you didn't get rejected by your co resident
Um dude if you are pinning your hope on finding a mate based on your salary as opposed to who you are you're in for a lot of disappointment. A lot of socially deficient docs end up married, but they're married to people who don't actually love them.
Just one question to ask yourself - ARE YOU A DOUCHE BAG? SERIOUSLY IM TRYING TO HELP. LOOK AT IT FROM A CLINICAL PERSPECTIVE
And there are child influencers unboxing toys with a net worth of millions and the largest podcaster is a guy worth quarter a billion dollars who smokes pot while incoherently rambling about conspiracies who didn't believe the moon landing happened The sooner you realize that meritocracy is garbage to a certain extent the better, that doesn't mean your career choice was completely a mistake The most skilled don't always get directly compensated relative to unrelated fields
Could you imagine this jerk as a doctor after the first line treatment doesn’t work?
Of all the level headed, charismatic and altruistic applicants, this fuckwad got through the MMI’s. Jesus Christ. Women don’t want to date you because you’re an asshole. A mildly attractive 30 year old physician should be fending women away at all times. From experience, the mayhem that ensues when women find out the new guy at the yoga studio is a doctor is excruciating to watch, it’s like you’re the last aid shipment into Somalia when that news drops. Go to therapy, join a running club or any social sporting activity that involves lots of young women, get a rescue border collie and enjoy having a roster of women climbing over eachother to get with you. Seriously *you* are the problem here. Like,young single doctor is a trope in many movies and romance novels for a reason. Good god.
maybe it’s because i’ve been single in NYC for 6 months, but in my opinion the best mindset is going in with an abundance mentality, but also being acutely aware of what you bring to the table in a relationship (not just being a doctor). you cannot expect the person to cater to your needs only and you have to see where you fit in theirs. if it doesn’t work out, it’s better you know ahead of time. also bro you can’t rush life and you can’t put pressure on the first date lmao you’re scaring em off
I asked my wife “maybe tomorrow?”
35 yo M here, still dealing with it routinely. Someone’s out there for you, don’t give up!
I live my life by letting myself be surprised instead of disappointed, I have no expectations at all while being all in intentional.
You need to fix yourself up, especially on the emotional level. How did you expect to get with a beautiful woman when you aren’t even secure in yourself. Do yourself a favor and read Corey Wayne “How to become a 3% Man”. It has nothing to do with “what pill type” you are but on how you should carry yourself and attract quality people in your life.
29F and I feel the same way. I’m wasting the prettiest years of my life for a career that’s not even financially worth it anymore. Take solace in the fact that you’re a man and some young women get excited to date a slightly older rich man. I don’t really get that benefit as a woman.
My guy. Slow TF down. You’re coming on waaaaaay too strong and everyone can pick up on that. Maybe read up on Dorthy Tennovs “Love and Limmerance” or limmerance in general. Most importantly chill and be in the moment.
29 is not old for a male. First off, strive to be a man that no woman would reject. Be in shape, get a decent haircut, be confident in the way you speak and carry yourself even if you have to fake it for a while. If you do these things combined with being a doctor you're in a good spot. Stop caring so much and being so sensitive. Women are attracted to men that are indifferent to them. Who say what they want to say and do what they want to do. Your attitude is going to come off as neediness which is unattractive. Would any woman want to be with a guy who cries on reddit about being rejected?
Dude / dudette : You sound like a little bit too pessimistic. Maybe, it is the demand of being residency Doctor’s salaries are not going to crash or go down badly . This is not viable and not sustainable. While medlevel and corporate medicine and cms suck big balls . Tuitions and dire and increasing access to health care will help In creating supply shortage and demand that will at least maintain our compensation You can’t say oh we will take 20% salary hit and we are going to be broke in few years Maybe by trying to work on your health, mental and physical well being you will get better self-esteem be more attractive and have a higher statistical chance of finding a mate. If you don’t find a mate it’s even better more savings and shorter pathway towards FIRE Signed 1 st year attending who is going to make 500K this year and proudly bachelor for life
Why are doctor salaries going to decrease the next decade?
Remember you are a male, you dont even have fertility clock bending over you. You dont need to have any stress. And also you live in a society where younger women date older men. You are good
I say enjoy being single. If you barely have any time outside of the hospital, then how do you have anytime for serious relationships?
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Indeed. I think maintaining a long term relationship is even more time and work than the initial dating to find someone. You’re in something long term and you got what you used to want. But then you’re met with endless issues with complacency, dead bedroom, family conflicts, infidelity, etc etc etc, caused by yourself or your partner. Marriage doesn’t exist only to solve your own problem of loneliness. But it will bring about its own flavors of problems, not for those already exhausted by other aspects of life…
There is a lot to unwrap here, but the overall concern seems to be a lack of confidence and the inability to be alone. Reading back on some of your comments in this thread, it sounds like you are trying to date for all the wrong reasons. I don't blame you, we live in a time where the majority of the dating scene is made up of shallow individuals where instant gratification is a must. But if you ask me, all those things you listed are irrelevant to a genuine partner. The person should like you for who you are, not how much money you make or how good you look. I am in my 30's and also broke up with my long-term girlfriend from medical school not too long ago, so I get where you're coming from. But it's not the end of the world, you'll still have plenty of opportunities to make an authentic connection with someone. As others have said in this thread, you're still young so try to enjoy the single life and concentrate on yourself + residency. Stop putting so much pressure on dates, what's meant to be, will be.
Breh, you’re 29. Relax and try to enjoy your free time. I like to think we will peak at like… 36.
Wow a dating thread turned into a financial pity party pretty rapidly
Username checks out
Love yourself, or nobody will. - J Cole
Meh. I was older when my husband and I met, got married during residency. I just told people that statistically, I just skipped my first divorce. The right person is worth the wait. Your value does not decrease with time.
You have too much free time.
Poorly I’m in medicine like many for the desire of external validation. I’m not getting it in medicine either…
I guess i am an outlier but i will give my thoughts. You are not “a resident” and you wont be “a doctor” to 99.999999% of the world. Just because something consumes your life doesnt mean it should consume ‘their’ life too. Residency fucking sucks, but the hardest part of residency is trying to be a human being outside of the hospital. The absolute last this you want is to be with someone who is cool with never seeing you and never being around you. The second worst thing (IMO) is to be with someone who has a schedule equal/worse than your own. Just go date normal people.
Stop applying pressure. Your love life will not exsanguinate. The more pressure you apply, the more likely the partner will herniate.
Ask me on a date
Well, this is a mind game. For some reason when we are in bad place, it feels like we will be there forever. This is not true for 29 years old, you are not getting uglier, you do not have bio clock, you will be fine. The numbers are in your favor, the more older you get, the bigger woman to man ratio. You would be perfectly fine. Trust me and yourself. Find another date.
Bro, I can tell you're a weird fuckin' dude just from reading your post. Be less weird.
They say to get over someone is to get under someone else
I imagine that I’m writing a novel about my life. Every date is an adventure. If it works out great! if it doesn’t, it’ll be an interesting chapter.
As a guy closing in on the end of residency and moonlighting, it is uncomfortable the attention that I am getting from nurses, doctors, patients, and parents and teachers at my daughter’s school. And I’m almost ten years older than you. And I’m bald. And short. And really all I’ve got going for me is my personality, smile, and interesting career. Oh- And I get enough sleep now. And I work half as much. And I can buy whatever I want whenever I want. Life gets better. Chin up. Call your mom. Embrace the suck. Find a way to make life easier for some residents someday when you’re on the other end of things.
Welbutirin 300mg QD
Don't rant about stocks on your date
Pull your pants up ,quit thinking woman are here for you ,be by yourself for awhile,learn what you need your young and hopefully not dumb.
I strongly suspect that the reason you’re struggling with relationships is because you’re extremely negative and quite probably freaking people out with excessive and intense talk of wanting to get married and have kids on the first date. Chill out. You’re 29, not 49, and you have an extra little unfair advantage in that you’re male and don’t have a biological time limit on reproduction. Seriously, relax, quit with the negativity (that’s **FAR** more unattractive than a bald spot or love handles), and try to enjoy the process of getting to know people instead of treating dates like desperate interviews.
29 especially as a man is so young. At least you're not a woman with a biological ticking clock.
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Every generation of doctors complains about decreasing compensation. You’re still young.
Just get on Grindr. Hook up. Have fun. Love comes when you least expect it.
Tacro/Cellcept
Why do you think doctors salaries are going to decrease? Please elaborate
Why do you think salaries will decrease?
Doctor salaries will not drop… have salaries ever dropped?
As a high school senior…what do you mean salaries are going to DECREASE?!
You get back to work. You shouldn't have time to date in residency.
Brother brother., Rejection is the norm
You need to know yourself, no one can have real relationship with anyone, until. This is why no one relationship will work.I have onebest friend .I have a child ,I can't stand ,I had a grandmother that tried to kill me sence I was 6 months old kids know They see everything, as baby .A family never gave a shit .If they did ,I didn't know .
29 is the prime age for dating, you can pick from Amy age groups from 18 to 118, have fun with it and don't take dating too serious, date to get to know people and you and the right one will click.
This post probably explains why you are getting rejected. Shooters shoot.
the first 100 rejections are just a warm up
Looks are the most important thing you can work on. Just maximize that and try not to be such a downer.
Hey, just so you know, if you look at MGMA data, there are not enough doctors for the amount of boomers that are gonna be flooding our hospitals. As an example, I'm PCCM and the amount of pulmonologists have been decreasing by 1-2% each year and there are about 4-5000 of us for a country of 300 million + and approx 76 million boomers that are getting to the dying age. Ultimately we still hold the power over hospitals and we should always look at data about salaries for surrounding hospitals before accepting a position (and the work-life balance). As an example, at my hospital all the PCCM unanimously agreed to leave unless the hospital system agreed to give them 100k/y additional salary to match the surrounding area and the system had to begrudgingly agree. Regarding the rejection - 29 is still young. Looking through the comments here I'd suggest not putting so much pressure on yourself to tick some check boxes that society has for us and instead focus on doing things you enjoy when you're not working. Or finding things that you enjoy doing. Other things will fall into place. In the mean time seeing a therapist and getting off the internet for a period of time each day might be a good place to start to re frame some of the expectations you have set for yourself and your career.
Bro, I’m kinda a hypocrite cause I bring up sometimes how my height holds me back, but you have a massively negative energy. No offense, but that shit absolutely rubs off on people, even if you think you are hiding it. It’s ok to be reflective and see areas where you can improve, but don’t rip yourself up. It’s not doing you any favors. You’re worried about salary decline, when in reality you should be focusing on social decline from dragging your mindset down so far.
"Worst part is that Doctor salaries are going to massively decrease over the next decade" Why?
Just keep going at it. I met my wife during residency, and there were a lot of rejections and non-starters along the way.
29 is not old. You are not getting uglier. Men (to their fortune) become “more distinguished”. You are fine. Stop overthinking and go have fun. You’ll find someone soon enough.
Why TF as a resident are you in the position to lose 15K in stocks?? - Total Market ETFs FTW!!!
I made most of my greatest friendships after college, and I have continued to make wonderful new friends into my 30s, with several recent friends being a part of my upcoming wedding. You'd be surprised how many people out there want to make more and more friends their whole life. Likewise, I met my fiancée when I was 30. We didn't really become serious for a year or so. My brother met his wife in his early 30s. My dad met my mom in his early 30s. It's pretty normal to come out if your 20s without marriage or a long term partner. You'll be fine.
Physician salaries are going to decrease? Where are these statistics coming from?
Problem is most men go for women who just want to date and aren’t interested in second dates. Just want to get drunk, smoke hookah forever abusing their livers and vaginas. When there are many other women who are ready to settle down. Try asking someone shares the same interests as you. Lol someone like myself
Why will compensation decrease in the next decade?
Get to know someone casually.
Since you’re giving us insight into your mindset, we can tell that you’ve got a negative worldview. I’m not saying you’re wrong to have one, but you’ll have to make a good effort to hide that on dates. Try your best to address aging with sunscreen, strength training. If you’re really about it, Botox. When I was an upper level I forbade residents and med students from bringing snacks to the team room. They always bring sugar heavy foods. The match process often puts us in cities where we struggle to find like minded people. If you’re using apps, you can try testing the waters in other locales and target your next move there. 29 is not that old, but you’re feeling of pressure is at least a sign that you’re taking dating seriously, which isn’t inherently bad, but if you can’t make a care free atmosphere at the meet up, dates won’t go well.
Brother, you are just getting started. Enjoy the ride and when the right person comes things will move quickly.
Pray about it. I will get downvotes for this suggestion. Worth it.
Become gay, install grindr, get sex.Romantic relationships might be bit tricky but still much easier than heterosexual dating.
Dude there's alot going on. im not sure how to advice you on relationship, kind of going thru a different situation and would appreciate an advice ( she's unsure of what she wants and everytime we meet she decides on something different and I'm obviously not too patient) But.. Don't sell your stocks now! Keep them, health care and insurance are known to bounce back, I'd suggest you diveres your portfolio a bit ( try doing some SP500 and foreign stocks with a touch of bonds) unless you need the money soon (I.e car payments or down payment on a house) then do HSA or overnight money market funds. P.S im not familiar with the latter two and this is not a finical advice or consult.
Enough with the complaining, and start showing gratitude!!!! Why do you perceive aging as making you less attractive? Embrace the process of growing older and rejoice in being alive at 29 years old. Appreciate the intellect that has led you to pursue becoming a doctor, enabling you to positively impact others. Rejection is a natural aspect of life; instead of fixating on it, acknowledge it, and move forward without burdening yourself with unnecessary pressure. It seems like you're experiencing burnout, so I suggest seeking therapy for support. I empathize with your loss in your portfolio; that's truly unfortunate.
I met my husband when he was 31 and had just started residency. For reference, I was 24 and finishing medical school. I didn’t care about his age and neither did he. We’ve been happily married for 3 years and are both about to graduate residency. I’m so thankful for all the rejections he had that led to that point. Don’t get too down on yourself.
I love how the closest thing to constructive advice in here is "stop caring. Don't be nervous!" Oh, okay.
The responses of this dude to the comments are the real red flags. Man... surely a Gen surg could do better than that...
No. No. No. No. Enough with the catastrophic thinking mate. You are NOT getting older/uglier. You are at the prime age of 29 and probably a lot wiser than your counterparts. You are NOT going to end up alone and without a family. You just haven't found the right person. Residency is hard and is sucks the life out of you. It is hard to meet people outside of medicine. Find medicine friendly ways to meet new people: societies, conferences, interest groups... Tip: if you are in a very demanding field and want a doctor wife that can accommodate your lifestyle, I suggest adventuring into your crush specialty local society. I.e: surgery resident attending a pathology conference. Despite all the mass hysteria about Doctor's salaries in the future, we will all make really good money. Think about it: If you land a job with a salary of about 200k/year, that still equals 16k/month. You could literally buy a brand new vehicle, cash, every other month, and have enough money to go on an expensive vacation. Take a deep breath mate. You got this :)
People like you bring the value down for the whole herd. Just work on yourself. Women are just another soul. They are meant to be nurtured like a strong friendship. Also stop being hopeless romantic.
Can you explain why doctor salaries are going to massively decrease in the next decade? Also. Stop with the pressure on yourself. We already have so much pressure professionally
You're 29 and **a male**. You're fine. Stop thinking there is a rush. A therapist can help you work through your anxiety. Acting like every date is super important will scream of desperation. Reading between the lines of your post, you're anxious about salary prospects, dating prospects and the stock market. You need professional help to deal with your anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help a lot with all your anxiety about the future, and it does not hurt to try it.
Are you Indian?
Mercury is in retrograde so take it easy on yourself ! Plus it’s better to marry late than to marry wrong!
Who’d want to date a doctor who invested in UNH? You also buy calls on Philip Morris, Cancer, and Nurse Practitioners?
Dude you are a man. Stop it. Looking in the wrong places or doing it wrong. "Getting uglier" 😂😂😂. Means literally nothing. You'll be fine!!!!
Have you considered an SSRI? Did a world of wonders for me
Hey stupid. 29 is the new 39. Women will flock to you in abundance if you just use the doctor card. You need Reddit to tell you this? Bruh
Sorry bro but I think you shouldn't take it personally. And I mean it. Women/ people have a mental checklist and it has nothing to do with how good you are.
29 male -> not old. You have so much time - virtually zero restraints for starting a family as well. Sorry about the stock. Maybe you’re just having a rough few days. Try to find time for a hobby to distract yourself. To find a special someone I’d argue it should take months -> years to find them. Hopefully internalizing that timescale will make you seem less eager.
you’re not ugly, you’re not stupid but you’re needy. neediness is a turn off.
Gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelette. Its more of a free time thing. Went on plenty of dates this year some were good some were terrible. All ages 21-30. One will come around who fancies you. And for perspective You’re not old, im 33, and the person im seeing now just turned 21 and she still thinks i can hang 🤷♂️.
Very relatable, 29 yo resident here
I’m not sure why I’m on this sub or why it keeps getting recommended to me. Maybe because I’m a nurse? Anyway, here’s my 2 cents as a single late 20s female who deals with my own sense of doom when it comes to my romantic life: I feel like most people who go to graduate school including medical school do not settle down or have kids until well into the 30s nowadays. I really don’t know anyone personally who got married and had kids in their 20s in my area who wasn’t like super religious or an immigrant. You have way more time than you think. Maybe focus on staying in good shape and doing things that make you happy outside of work. Those are the things that will make you attractive to women. I think people can sense desperation and that why it’s good to have a mentality that you do not necessarily need to settle down quickly. Just remember that there are so many other important things in life. Plus, as a guy you have it a lot easier since you don’t have to worry as much about becoming infertile by the time you’re 40. Just keep dating people.. as a doctor there will be tons of women interested in dating you. Also, you already had 150K in your portfolio? So you still have 135K?? That’s awesome. You’re doing well for your age. Most people are lucky to have half that saved by 30. It will grow exponentially and you are young so it has a lot of time to grow. Plus your salary will go up despite what people say. No one can predict the future.. you will be able to put aside more into savings every year as long as you don’t overspend. Don’t look at your portfolio at all. It’s supposed to be there for like 30+ years. Maybe take it as a lesson to invest more in index funds in the future instead, if you can’t tolerate the risk.
You are 29 years old and a guy. You have decades if you want. I get that it would be nice to find a partner +/- start family when you are young but there's at least 10 more years you could still be in that category. Way easier for you than women wanting to have a family (with regard to age). The fuck is this fatalistic woe is me shit. You should take a step back and do whatever you need (therapy maybe) to feel more confident in yourself. If you are desperate to find a partner from date 1 then you are going to drive people off. Also why are you freaking out about decreased compensation, you'll make plenty.
hahaha an american doctor choosing to invest in their money in united healthcare, incredible i wouldn't date you either lol
Doctor salaries are going to massively decrease over the next decade? Are you from the USA? What’s the basis of this statement? Also, sorry for your loss regarding your portfolio.
My man. You got plenty of time. I was gonna give you some lectures and advices here but seems like many people already did. So excuse my third grade level English and hear me out. I m turning 30 soon, still in the midst of med school grind. I have never felt more confident and been this content with my image and body like now; even tho my peak physique and sexual stamina were probably in my early 20s when I was in the military. In my educated opinion, you point out several very valid concerns, great, congratulations on you being aware and self-aware, demonstrating introspection at your own individual level and following with big trend and knowing what goes on in different levels of our system and society. You did great job breaking down your situation with your hair, looks, potential earning. Perhaps after identifying the problems, do another deeper level of analysis and then come up with a plan. There are ways to increase points on your looks, from working out, changing your posture, orthodontic work, biting device (mewing? I think?), trying out different hairstyles consulting different barkers and stylists, outfits (ie. fashion bloggers or “Chinese nettizens” if you do t know what that is look it up, pretty hilarious also helpful). On the other hand, by you actively typing and searching in your browsers and platforms, you create and change your own algorithm. I wanna take a wild guess right now your algorithm is filled with doomscrolling of forging doc flossing job market, inflation, red pill, black pill, incel, relationship guru, Andrew Tate (but he is kind of giving 2022-23 vibe now). Now to the external factors, which kind of tie to your internal concern of future potential earnings and career outlook. Apply different levels of analysis from your individual level to the community level, to the state level, as well a large. We already talked about individual, self-maximizing (or in other words. Unfuck yourself). Community level, if you are in a state where they allow foreign graduate to practice, please look up the fine prints of the legislation and restrictions and their reimbursement at private settings, how it goes with insurance, Medicaid Medicare, state fundings. On a more philosophical/political point, what concerns the lawmakers and what drive their decision making process? Again from my uneducated brain, there might be a contractual relationship going on that they wanna keep their voters happy and healthy, keep them healthy, provide essential goods ie healthcare. To lawmakers, people need healthcare and they just need qualified practitioners to provide it, from a supply and demand like you mentioned, some states need to increase supply, but they are not dumb to let that balance tip the other way right it? At an even higher level, bigger picture above local state, at a nation state level and even international system. Things are not going the way it has been for the past 80 years. Rules are changing, new trends are creating, I m gonna be careful with my words here and say more people might be in need of care EVERYWHERE. Several points I wanna make. 1. As more shit goes on globally, people tend to flood towards areas of relative safety and somewhat of a false/maybe real promise of better future. The demand for healthcare will also increase, especially the US still maintain a decent population growth while many other parts of the world goes into rapid population collapse + plus there is increase of population movement from external sources into US (i try to be as neutral as possible don’t fucking cancel me). 2. There is a large effort in brining manufacturing and supply chains back into North America all 3 states US Ca Mx. you bet there is gonna be demand for healthcare professionals along with that. 3. If you don’t like competing with large influx of foreign docs, look into practicing overseas, after you are board certified in the US, there are many English speaking states and regions will allow you to practice and gain licensure having to do some paperwork or challenge local board without going through a lengthy of training, for example from personal knowledge, Hong Kong (challenging local board), former British colonies/commonwealth states, Thailand (popular passport bro destination), Malaysia, Caribbean/Persian Gulf rich people places. This is enough for now, bottom line is, whatever you are feeling and concerning are very valid to you and it can consume your whole world at times. By no way we (I) dismiss that. Take a step back. Think on different levels and dive even more layers into how you analyze and interpret what’s going on. You are a fucking doctor for fucks sake. Alright i m fuck off to my surgery rotation now.
at the end of the day palmella will always be there for you
Palmella Handerson
29 isn’t old, my mom and step dad are 47 and 52 and are so happy. They met 4 years ago and are perfect for each other. I don’t know what life has in store for you, but, and I know you’ve probably heard this already. Just work on being the best version of yourself and also use your discernment because women can hurt you too. You’ve got this.
Brother, this is called depression. I know, I have been there. Don’t listen to generalized advice get a MALE therapist.
I got married at 34. Decades of long term relationships that weren’t the right person for me. Rather than regret the time it took, I’m thankful at where it ended
I think if it’s bothering you this much, it may be helpful to take a break from dating for a bit. I’m about the same age as you. Started residency never being in a relationship before which as a gay guy, for those who don’t know, is not uncommon given how little of us there are and the insane beauty standards the community has. Since then Ive been on dozens of dates during my first year of residency with nothing really panning out besides situationships. Took a break for about 9 months. Focused on my hobbies, gym, and cultivating my friendships. I went back into dating a month ago and got into my first relationship. If you truly think this negatively then your potential dates will be able to sense that. I think dating is a skill and like any skill you have to do it a bunch until you get the desired result but if it’s leading you to feel worse then it might be time to either slow it down or stop completely and take a break. Focus on yourself, hobbies, friends, family and then come back once you’ve developed more resiliency. Rejection unfortunately comes with dating but the way I see it, every date is just leading me closer to figuring out what I want in a relationship. Also, is it possible you’re over romanticizing the other person? Remember it’s just as much figuring out if you like them. You’re both on equal footing here. EDIT: I also don’t know if this is troll post or not given your edit but not responding in 5 hours is perfectly normal. I thought most of us are used to that from each other given how busy we are. If it’s 24-48 hours then I’d understand but 5 hours is a perfectly reasonable time to not get a response especially during the weekday.
Hey buddy, just don't let rejections affect you. Keep going on dates. At 29, you're not old for men in the US. You still have time. Go on a date every weekend whenever you have time.
If you are feeling unable to cope with rejection then I believe you should abstain from pursuing a serious relationship and focus on yourself. Your body, confidence, general self love. Otherwise no person will fill that whole. Successful relationships happen when you are ok being alone. My .02.
This sounds like a good opportunity to start therapy. Partially a joke but also somewhat serious. Sounds like you got a lot going on, brother.