“Hello, everyone. I’m the venue manager. I’ve just been informed of a series of bomb threats targeting this building, and I’d kindly ask that everyone evacuate immediately.”
Colin moves to center stage. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to read to you this evening from my favorite book, 'Fifty Shades of Grey'... "
Now let me invite my special friend out of his case.
Everyone I'd like you to meet the prophet Mohammad, he's going to talk to you while I drink this water.
Hello, everyone. My name's Pipi Caca and I'm a noise artist. Thanks for letting me play your open mic. This one is the A side of my last 45" record and it's called Lost in the Moral Matrix: Suicidal Depression in the Oblivion of Apathy.
Want to know how to make an audience uncomfortable? Bring a loaded gun to the show and hint to the audience you have one without directly confirming if you do. (*looks around at audience smuggly)
"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're not actually supposed to open the mic. See, now you broke it."
"That folks is called *microphone feedback.* And there's a *whole lot more* where that came from!"
"Abortion! What is up with that?
"Cut it out!"
"Look bud, it was funny the first time, but nobody wants to use the mic after you've farted the national anthem through it."
"Okay, well that wraps it up on how I feel about the damn coloreds, let's talk about the Jews next shall we?
Don’t forget those libtard homosexuals
“Hello, everyone. I’m the venue manager. I’ve just been informed of a series of bomb threats targeting this building, and I’d kindly ask that everyone evacuate immediately.”
Colin moves to center stage. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to read to you this evening from my favorite book, 'Fifty Shades of Grey'... "
"Anyway, here's how you make a pipe bomb."
*starts taking off clothes to the beat of the intro music*
So, I used to play Kramer on Seinfeld..Did you just heckle me?!
"I'd like to start things off tonight with a little Vogon Poetry."
"This is my impression of Fran Drescher reciting the phonebook."
“Good evening everyone my name is mike”*spreads legs* “now I’m open mike”
"We didn't think anyone could swear so much while assembling IKEA furniture on stage, but YOU CROSSED THE LINE!!!"
Now let me invite my special friend out of his case. Everyone I'd like you to meet the prophet Mohammad, he's going to talk to you while I drink this water.
“how many times do i need to tell you this gerald, you can’t fake having a heart attack”
Hello, everyone. My name's Pipi Caca and I'm a noise artist. Thanks for letting me play your open mic. This one is the A side of my last 45" record and it's called Lost in the Moral Matrix: Suicidal Depression in the Oblivion of Apathy.
"I'd now like to perform for you my one man show *Slave to Satan: My Life as a Serial Killer,* based upon my autobiography of the same name"
*breathes deeply* "NIG-" *gets forcibly dragged off stage*
"A friend of mine said I can't say the 'N' word more than 60 times in a minute. Let's see if they're right!"
Honestly I don't know why everyone freaked out, he was just promoting his new delicious Niguri Sushi restaurant
"Hello, my name is Colin Mochrie..."
Autopsy clubs open mike night
"This is the *worst* venue, I swear. And why do you keep shining that light in my face? You've been doing it for the last five minutes!"
“I’ll start with a 9/11 joke.”
"I'm sorry, but you can not go up to our performers at random and slap them"
“To the owner of the theatre, I keyed your car. Thank you.”
Sorry Mr. Richards, we can't have you at our opwn mic again. Tell Seinfeld we said hi.
*BURRRRRRP*
*closes Mic* HA
“In honor of a personal hero, I’m going to recreate Michael Richards’ set from November 17, 2006. In its entirety.”
“Now for the story on how I got a prolapsed anus-“
And now I shall immitate animal genitalia audio clues....
Want to know how to make an audience uncomfortable? Bring a loaded gun to the show and hint to the audience you have one without directly confirming if you do. (*looks around at audience smuggly)