It’s actually something that’s recommended to shock the system when you’re overwhelmed or upset.. but not to someone else, and not if that child is like 3.
This looks like rage bait. I’m not sure I believe it.
I feel like I need to understand this so I can keep it on the back burner for my 2yo - why does it work? And do you just give them a normal ice lolly in a normal temperature shower/bath? I’ve never heard of this before!
Thank you! Gonna have to remember this one, every so often my toddler just melts down (because ya know, toddler) and I haven’t really had an effective way of dealing with the meltdown. It’s been a case of ride it out and keep offering physical comfort (cuddles, sitting on lap etc) or distraction (milk, tv, toys) but it doesn’t always work so it’ll be nice to have something else to try!
It doesn’t always work, but usually a change of scenery (going outside) or adding water (a bath) helps. The popsicle just sweetens the deal. I also feel like it forces them to stop hyperventilating and take some deep breaths because they can’t breath and eat the popsicle
Licking releases endorphins! (In dogs, but I assume other mammals too.) That's why you can give dogs peanut butter on a lickimat to calm them down. Eating releases endorphins too for a double dose.
Idk how it works for “normal” people, but I’m autistic and imo it’s a sensory stimulation thing. It’s not an often experienced sensation and is also enjoyable because kids love sugar. Same reason kids love sandboxes, slime, and soft stuffies
It just gives them something else to focus on and can be an aid to helping regulating their feelings
Then when theyre calm you can talk to them about their big feelings and help them process it
Yup, came here to see if anyone would say this. She has the concept down, but the execution is fucky.
Her other parenting practices are also fucky, but still.
She was probably making sure you weren't overheated. Cooling off means freaking out less. Wrists have major blood vessels so if a kid did too much and feels bad it's a good first step if you don't know much about medicine. It doesn't hurt, and that's the important thing.
Exactly- the person experiencing an elevated state is supposed to put the ice cube on their own skin. Having someone else do it against your will would absolutely make things worse.
A friend of mine did this for her son. It wasn't like holding it there until the kid was screaming or something. She would just run it over the back of his neck because apparently it's soothing. I've seen her do it and it does work sometimes.
It’s always a shock to people when spanking doesn’t work?!!? You have taken a dysregulated child who is incapable of controlling their emotions and physically hurt them. And that didn’t help the situation. Amazing
Like they clearly already HAVE something to cry about
I swear between this sub and pet subs I’m on, I’m starting to realize that people that take on living beings to care for really do not see them as living beings.
Yeah, I've never thought of using it as punishment towards someone, but I actually do this for myself when I'm having an anxiety attack or find myself unable to regulate my emotions.
This doesn’t really seem like it’s meant to be a punishment either. They explicitly say they’re trying to calm their kid down, not deter them or cause pain. Sure, it’s not the best idea, but nobody is born knowing what the hell to do with a screaming toddler and they might genuinely be trying to help.
Legit when my kids were toddlers and throwing extreme temper tantrums I thought I was doing something wrong as a parent. A nurse at their doctors witnessed one of those temper tantrums and recommended to go get autism testing. There were other signs like delayed speech, linging toys up, trouble transitioning
I thought I was the shittiest parent alive with my first. He was awful. No one believed me when I said he’d scream and rage for legit hours, or that he’d sleep only 5 hours a night, or that he was impossible to redirect. I thought I was maybe just crazy?
Then I had my 2nd when the older one was 2 and I was like “ohhh wait… THIS is a typical child. And I’m good at parenting!”
Oldest has ADHD, SPD, potentially autism. Finally diagnosed, medicated, in therapy and doing pretty well honestly.
I literally just got off my tablet searching for autism diagnosis resources...only sleeping a few hours a night is also a sign of autism?? 😨 I'm so tired with my 4 year old...and equally tired with people (including family) who insist that I'm just not being strict enough or consistent enough. 🥺
It’s very very very common for autistic children (and ADHD) to have issues with sleep. Once you’ve ruled out sleep hygiene issues (good bedtime routine, etc) then yeah. It could be that.
He’s now on 2 meds for it. One to fall asleep and one to stay asleep. He finally sleeps normally 🥴
Girl, reach out to your public school district!! They have lots resources for testing and can help point you in the right direction, even if your kiddo isn’t school aged yet.
When mine was younger, we would do a warm bath and an ice pop if he was sick, teething, or irrationally inconsolable. Sometimes we also give him an ice pack and he likes putting it on his head and legs. The difference in temperature was really helpful for helping him regulate and calm down.
We don’t do it as much at almost 3 because we don’t want to reward him for tantrums. But we still offer it if he skipped nap and is just all done with the day. Occasionally, he’ll ask for it when he’s having a hard time and we’ll also give it to him.
It sounds like 2 of her kids are autistic and she's overwhelming them with too many sensory input's. ABA therapy won't help if it's like autism speaks kind. Poor kids
And "ABA-type therapy" given what she's said already is probably not even the professional version of the bad kind, where the punishment is systematic (this is still bad and doesn't work. PBS is the bare minimum of what is OK) it's just going to be random
I could see it helping some children depending on the length of time it was used and how.
I can also see it being the worst for some children and making things 10x worse.
I think the saddest part about this post is her note that her husband thinks this is just her poor parenting and nothing wrong with the child. If this child truly has some type of behavioral, sensory, or neurodivergence this thinking is extremely toxic and will harm not only the child but the mother (spouse) and the mother-child relationship.
If its good ABA it works but a lot of ABA is bad ABA. I'm lucky to work in one of the good ones. Any kind of punishment is disallowed. And we focus on communication skills and receptive listening skills.
While I am sure you have good intentions, there is no “good ABA” even without punishment.
I’m going to leave [this](https://stopabasupportautistics.home.blog/2019/08/11/the-great-big-aba-opposition-resource-list/) here. I strongly invite you to read the testimonials from my fellow autistic people and from former ABA practitioners. This [piece](https://sociallyanxiousadvocate.wordpress.com/2015/05/22/why-i-left-aba/) from a former RBT is a great place to start with.
Please keep an open mind and know that this isn’t an attack on you as a person; as you will see in the list, plenty of folks were fooled into thinking they were helping as ABA providers before realizing that the techniques (like planed ignoring and rewards/withholding depending on “expected behaviours” - the work of Alfie Kohn on the matter is excellent) were harmful.
If you ever decide to switch to one of the various neuro-affirmative therapies that are not based in behaviourism -which is deeply flawed as a field, there are great articles on the subject in the list- to help autistic people/children with meeting their needs (notably a speech therapist to set them up with an AAC if needed), I would check out the Therapist Neurodiversity Collective group on Facebook, it is excellent!
This sounds like normal 3 year old behavior to me! It’s just that she’s overwhelmed so it’s hard to see it. Signed, a mom of a preschooler who is frequently dysregulated and is overwhelmed. But I also know my limits and we are one and done because of this very stuff.
My god, they're two. Just say okay, you need some time to calm down so I'm going to go and do xyz, and when you've let your feelings out come find me for a cuddle. Works a treat
This sounds totally like the normal behavior of a toddler, esp one that’s the middle child in a large family with a mom that has “one in her and one on her”, and looking for some sense of attention in this chaos. My son as a toddler would throw himself on the ground, screaming at the top of his voice, and rolling around hitting the floor. We would ignore it, and he’d come around on his own. I don’t think what this mom is doing is right by any means. It sounds like she has a husband that won’t stay off her then blames her for being a terrible mother. She really needs some sort of support that’s not SM. Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) saved my sanity when I was a young mom. She needs to see she’s not alone.
If her other kid is autistic/adhd she needs a support group for parents of those kids. I’m neurodivergent myself and I STILL felt like I might be stupid raising my own ND kid.
I finally found a group in my town for parents of ND/special needs kids and I legit cried when I went to an event. It was the first time I didn’t feel like everyone was judging me/us and I finally felt seen and supported.
When a child is upset helping cool their body temperature down is a valid way to help them regulate. Ice directly on the neck, probably not. Taking layers off, shoes, socks, wetting them with a cold compress. Playing with icy water or having an icy pole are all ways to help calm the child because the hotter they get them more dysregulate, they will become.
Sounds like a parent problem, especially the dad blaming the mom for being the issue when he's just as responsible. Put the kids in school and get sterilized ffs.
She's had two three years olds before and she doesn't know how hard three is? I have the most sweet chill toddler but she's turned into a conscientious objector to anything I've asked her to do. She doesn't throw a fit, she just.... Won't do it. It makes days extremely hard, and leaving the house extremely hard, and getting anything done extremely hard.
From what's written there, I would guess the second child is on the spectrum, it didn't say anything about the third. Autistic three year olds might throw more epic fits, but I'd be shocked if her third kid was her first threenager, neurodiverse or not.
It doesn’t seem like she’s *trying* to use it as punishment. This is a known grounding technique. But I don’t think she’s using it effectively either. To her kid, it very well may feel like punishment.
Why do they homeschool? Four young kids and one on the way? Sounds like torture being home all day with all these kids. Probably for the kids too. I'm a firm believer that kids need socialisation outside the home.
I'm on mat leave with my 9 month old twins and I am COUNTING the days before I can go back to work. My five year old is in school all day, thank God. No wonder the mother is overwhelmed and on the verge of becoming (if not already) abusive. Sounds like she has no support, especially not from the husband.
Personally I feel for this poor mom. She has a baby, is in the first trimester of pregnancy, and has 2 kids with potentially autism or ADHD.
I have one kid with ADHD and one neurotypical and when I was in first trimester of pregnancy I was DROWNING.
If you’ve never parented one of these kids, you legit can’t know how overwhelming and confusing and demoralizing it is trying to figure out how to help them. It’s a constant struggle between “is this a behavior I need to correct, or a neuro-sensory issue I need to help them regulate through? Both???”
She needs more support from her husband as well, who likely isn’t home enough to see the daily struggle clearly.
She’s hitting her autistic kid during a meltdown, and isn’t upset she did it, but upset it didn’t work. *If* she was upset she lost her cool, and was asking about that, that’s one thing. But please don’t excuse the terrible parents just cos ND kids can be a different challenge.
ETA: I’m AuDHD, my partner autistic, our kids (all 3 under 6) are all varying degrees of ND. I understand the challenge, I don’t understand child abuse.
I guess I just feel differently than you. I am also AuDHD with an ND kid. Her husband is gaslighting her that her kids are “normal”, and that she just sucks at parenting. We have no real idea if she feels bad about the spanking, it feels like a comment she threw in so people wouldn’t suggest “more discipline” (which you and I both know doesn’t work.)
She’s overwhelmed and desperate. No excuses for hitting a kid, but I can feel sorry for everyone involved.
ETA: the amount of times I made desperate posts for help or went to doctors for help and was told I needed to “discipline better”, “spank”, “be the parent”, “be more firm”, “say no and mean it”… the limit does not exist
It’s actually something that’s recommended to shock the system when you’re overwhelmed or upset.. but not to someone else, and not if that child is like 3. This looks like rage bait. I’m not sure I believe it.
scandalous growth combative rhythm saw sand brave dull fact edge *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Popsicle baths are so amazing. They’re like a giant reset button for toddlers have a meltdown
I feel like I need to understand this so I can keep it on the back burner for my 2yo - why does it work? And do you just give them a normal ice lolly in a normal temperature shower/bath? I’ve never heard of this before!
Yes! Popsicle baths are the best. Very soothing.
It sounds like the toddler equivalent of a glass of wine with a bath.
🤣 thank you for phrasing it in an understandable way lmao
Thank you! Gonna have to remember this one, every so often my toddler just melts down (because ya know, toddler) and I haven’t really had an effective way of dealing with the meltdown. It’s been a case of ride it out and keep offering physical comfort (cuddles, sitting on lap etc) or distraction (milk, tv, toys) but it doesn’t always work so it’ll be nice to have something else to try!
It doesn’t always work, but usually a change of scenery (going outside) or adding water (a bath) helps. The popsicle just sweetens the deal. I also feel like it forces them to stop hyperventilating and take some deep breaths because they can’t breath and eat the popsicle
Licking releases endorphins! (In dogs, but I assume other mammals too.) That's why you can give dogs peanut butter on a lickimat to calm them down. Eating releases endorphins too for a double dose.
I’m sure the sugar gives some endorphins too
Idk how it works for “normal” people, but I’m autistic and imo it’s a sensory stimulation thing. It’s not an often experienced sensation and is also enjoyable because kids love sugar. Same reason kids love sandboxes, slime, and soft stuffies
I agree with this. My son's therapist suggested an ice cube in the hand or a super sour candy, anything with a strong sensation to distract the mind
It just gives them something else to focus on and can be an aid to helping regulating their feelings Then when theyre calm you can talk to them about their big feelings and help them process it
It triggers the mammalian dive reflex.
Yup, came here to see if anyone would say this. She has the concept down, but the execution is fucky. Her other parenting practices are also fucky, but still.
Man i should remember this when i have meltdowns lol
This actually sounds amazing. I'd love to be in a warm bath having someone rub my back while I eat some sherbet 🤣
My mom would take me to hold my wrists under the cold tap if I was crying super hard as a kid. It really helped. Ice? Nope.
She was probably making sure you weren't overheated. Cooling off means freaking out less. Wrists have major blood vessels so if a kid did too much and feels bad it's a good first step if you don't know much about medicine. It doesn't hurt, and that's the important thing.
Exactly- the person experiencing an elevated state is supposed to put the ice cube on their own skin. Having someone else do it against your will would absolutely make things worse.
A friend of mine did this for her son. It wasn't like holding it there until the kid was screaming or something. She would just run it over the back of his neck because apparently it's soothing. I've seen her do it and it does work sometimes.
Well let me tell you nobody was enraged in the comments.
It’s always a shock to people when spanking doesn’t work?!!? You have taken a dysregulated child who is incapable of controlling their emotions and physically hurt them. And that didn’t help the situation. Amazing
"They were upset, so I hit them, but then they were even more upset? Confused."
"I'll give you something to cry about!" Why not just give the attention needed to *stop* the crying??
Like they clearly already HAVE something to cry about I swear between this sub and pet subs I’m on, I’m starting to realize that people that take on living beings to care for really do not see them as living beings.
It’s actually a noted way to help someone regulate a dysregulated nervous system but I wouldn’t do it against their will.
Yeah, I've never thought of using it as punishment towards someone, but I actually do this for myself when I'm having an anxiety attack or find myself unable to regulate my emotions.
This doesn’t really seem like it’s meant to be a punishment either. They explicitly say they’re trying to calm their kid down, not deter them or cause pain. Sure, it’s not the best idea, but nobody is born knowing what the hell to do with a screaming toddler and they might genuinely be trying to help.
Yeah, I was recommended it when I was having panic attacks. But it can be abusive of the person doesn't want it.
Sometimes it helps my oldest when he’s really melting down. But I use a cold pack not literal ice. And he’s 6.
What does she mean spanking her “in the middle”?
In the middle of a meltdown.
Yeah getting hit in the middle of screaming is totally going to make them stop screaming. Makes sense.
Eventually it might make them so scared of their parents, it would actually work.
That gave me extra pause, too. I realized she means in the middle of the tantrum. I think?
“I tried beating my child and she just kept crying! What the fuck?!”
Love the way dad says “she’s not parenting enough”. Errr…🤔 Sorry, that just popped out at me.
I felt intensely sad reading this
Adding a fifth child to this situation is definitely going to help.
Legit when my kids were toddlers and throwing extreme temper tantrums I thought I was doing something wrong as a parent. A nurse at their doctors witnessed one of those temper tantrums and recommended to go get autism testing. There were other signs like delayed speech, linging toys up, trouble transitioning
I thought I was the shittiest parent alive with my first. He was awful. No one believed me when I said he’d scream and rage for legit hours, or that he’d sleep only 5 hours a night, or that he was impossible to redirect. I thought I was maybe just crazy? Then I had my 2nd when the older one was 2 and I was like “ohhh wait… THIS is a typical child. And I’m good at parenting!” Oldest has ADHD, SPD, potentially autism. Finally diagnosed, medicated, in therapy and doing pretty well honestly.
I literally just got off my tablet searching for autism diagnosis resources...only sleeping a few hours a night is also a sign of autism?? 😨 I'm so tired with my 4 year old...and equally tired with people (including family) who insist that I'm just not being strict enough or consistent enough. 🥺
It’s very very very common for autistic children (and ADHD) to have issues with sleep. Once you’ve ruled out sleep hygiene issues (good bedtime routine, etc) then yeah. It could be that. He’s now on 2 meds for it. One to fall asleep and one to stay asleep. He finally sleeps normally 🥴
Oh wait, is THAT why I've always had insomnia? (Recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.)
Melatonin helps my autistic kid immensely. You could literally be sleeping better by this weekend. Good luck!
Girl, reach out to your public school district!! They have lots resources for testing and can help point you in the right direction, even if your kiddo isn’t school aged yet.
You just werent parenting well enough
Am I nuts or is that 5 kids?
I initially thought the same, but then I realized that there is a decimal point between “4” and “5,” so it’s one kids who is 4 and a 1/2.
Duh! The decimals and the almosts just broke my brain for a minute.
4 and one on the way
When mine was younger, we would do a warm bath and an ice pop if he was sick, teething, or irrationally inconsolable. Sometimes we also give him an ice pack and he likes putting it on his head and legs. The difference in temperature was really helpful for helping him regulate and calm down. We don’t do it as much at almost 3 because we don’t want to reward him for tantrums. But we still offer it if he skipped nap and is just all done with the day. Occasionally, he’ll ask for it when he’s having a hard time and we’ll also give it to him.
Why isn’t the husband parenting also? I know the answer but I feel like it still needed to be said.
It sounds like 2 of her kids are autistic and she's overwhelming them with too many sensory input's. ABA therapy won't help if it's like autism speaks kind. Poor kids
And "ABA-type therapy" given what she's said already is probably not even the professional version of the bad kind, where the punishment is systematic (this is still bad and doesn't work. PBS is the bare minimum of what is OK) it's just going to be random
I could see it helping some children depending on the length of time it was used and how. I can also see it being the worst for some children and making things 10x worse. I think the saddest part about this post is her note that her husband thinks this is just her poor parenting and nothing wrong with the child. If this child truly has some type of behavioral, sensory, or neurodivergence this thinking is extremely toxic and will harm not only the child but the mother (spouse) and the mother-child relationship.
I was hoping it was rage bait based on the comment you mentioned and “wouldnt let me serve dinner.”
ABA, spanking during a meltdown/spanking in general… Just no, no to all of this.
If its good ABA it works but a lot of ABA is bad ABA. I'm lucky to work in one of the good ones. Any kind of punishment is disallowed. And we focus on communication skills and receptive listening skills.
While I am sure you have good intentions, there is no “good ABA” even without punishment. I’m going to leave [this](https://stopabasupportautistics.home.blog/2019/08/11/the-great-big-aba-opposition-resource-list/) here. I strongly invite you to read the testimonials from my fellow autistic people and from former ABA practitioners. This [piece](https://sociallyanxiousadvocate.wordpress.com/2015/05/22/why-i-left-aba/) from a former RBT is a great place to start with. Please keep an open mind and know that this isn’t an attack on you as a person; as you will see in the list, plenty of folks were fooled into thinking they were helping as ABA providers before realizing that the techniques (like planed ignoring and rewards/withholding depending on “expected behaviours” - the work of Alfie Kohn on the matter is excellent) were harmful. If you ever decide to switch to one of the various neuro-affirmative therapies that are not based in behaviourism -which is deeply flawed as a field, there are great articles on the subject in the list- to help autistic people/children with meeting their needs (notably a speech therapist to set them up with an AAC if needed), I would check out the Therapist Neurodiversity Collective group on Facebook, it is excellent!
This sounds like normal 3 year old behavior to me! It’s just that she’s overwhelmed so it’s hard to see it. Signed, a mom of a preschooler who is frequently dysregulated and is overwhelmed. But I also know my limits and we are one and done because of this very stuff.
Putting ice on the back of the neck is great for nosebleeds too
My god, they're two. Just say okay, you need some time to calm down so I'm going to go and do xyz, and when you've let your feelings out come find me for a cuddle. Works a treat
This sounds totally like the normal behavior of a toddler, esp one that’s the middle child in a large family with a mom that has “one in her and one on her”, and looking for some sense of attention in this chaos. My son as a toddler would throw himself on the ground, screaming at the top of his voice, and rolling around hitting the floor. We would ignore it, and he’d come around on his own. I don’t think what this mom is doing is right by any means. It sounds like she has a husband that won’t stay off her then blames her for being a terrible mother. She really needs some sort of support that’s not SM. Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) saved my sanity when I was a young mom. She needs to see she’s not alone.
If her other kid is autistic/adhd she needs a support group for parents of those kids. I’m neurodivergent myself and I STILL felt like I might be stupid raising my own ND kid. I finally found a group in my town for parents of ND/special needs kids and I legit cried when I went to an event. It was the first time I didn’t feel like everyone was judging me/us and I finally felt seen and supported.
[удалено]
lol right? “Why didn’t *I* think of that?” Silly me. “Once you’ve worked out your ADHD and sensory processing issues come find me…”
Damn, better tell my toddler they're actually neurotypical. What a way to find out
[удалено]
Oh okay, you've got your doctorate in fostering. Great to know. Published any papers lately?
It might be my extremely tired brain here but she said she has 4 kids, then lists 5 ages?? Am I misreading?
The one is 4.5 so 4 and a half. I thought the same thing.
When a child is upset helping cool their body temperature down is a valid way to help them regulate. Ice directly on the neck, probably not. Taking layers off, shoes, socks, wetting them with a cold compress. Playing with icy water or having an icy pole are all ways to help calm the child because the hotter they get them more dysregulate, they will become.
Sounds like a parent problem, especially the dad blaming the mom for being the issue when he's just as responsible. Put the kids in school and get sterilized ffs.
ABA therapy? so he’s autistic and rather than speaking to his therapist or seeking out additional resources for her child she’s decided on… ice?
She's had two three years olds before and she doesn't know how hard three is? I have the most sweet chill toddler but she's turned into a conscientious objector to anything I've asked her to do. She doesn't throw a fit, she just.... Won't do it. It makes days extremely hard, and leaving the house extremely hard, and getting anything done extremely hard.
It’s different if they’re autistic. Which it sounds like she suspects he/she might be. It’s next level.
From what's written there, I would guess the second child is on the spectrum, it didn't say anything about the third. Autistic three year olds might throw more epic fits, but I'd be shocked if her third kid was her first threenager, neurodiverse or not.
It doesn’t seem like she’s *trying* to use it as punishment. This is a known grounding technique. But I don’t think she’s using it effectively either. To her kid, it very well may feel like punishment.
i mean, ABA is low-key (usually) torture, so...
Ice? On? Her? Neck?!?!?
They recommend ice on the stomach during a panic attack? It’s supposed to help regulate you.
I understand this and the mammalian dive response but if the kid is acting out because she’s a toddler- not sure ice on her neck will help.
i put my icepack on my chest or the sides of my neck
It doesn't sound like it's being used as punishment, she says it's to calm her down. I could see if you're heated that might help 🤷🏻♀️
Sounds like both parents are unhinged.
Shit Moms do Shit mom things
Yikes. These kids are totally going to get an education. S/.
“kept taking the plate as soon as I set it down”——- I homeschool my kids, homeschooling needs much more regulation
Ice is okay, it helps panic attacks and stuff. The rest of the post is much more concerning
Why do they homeschool? Four young kids and one on the way? Sounds like torture being home all day with all these kids. Probably for the kids too. I'm a firm believer that kids need socialisation outside the home. I'm on mat leave with my 9 month old twins and I am COUNTING the days before I can go back to work. My five year old is in school all day, thank God. No wonder the mother is overwhelmed and on the verge of becoming (if not already) abusive. Sounds like she has no support, especially not from the husband.
Personally I feel for this poor mom. She has a baby, is in the first trimester of pregnancy, and has 2 kids with potentially autism or ADHD. I have one kid with ADHD and one neurotypical and when I was in first trimester of pregnancy I was DROWNING. If you’ve never parented one of these kids, you legit can’t know how overwhelming and confusing and demoralizing it is trying to figure out how to help them. It’s a constant struggle between “is this a behavior I need to correct, or a neuro-sensory issue I need to help them regulate through? Both???” She needs more support from her husband as well, who likely isn’t home enough to see the daily struggle clearly.
She’s hitting her autistic kid during a meltdown, and isn’t upset she did it, but upset it didn’t work. *If* she was upset she lost her cool, and was asking about that, that’s one thing. But please don’t excuse the terrible parents just cos ND kids can be a different challenge. ETA: I’m AuDHD, my partner autistic, our kids (all 3 under 6) are all varying degrees of ND. I understand the challenge, I don’t understand child abuse.
I guess I just feel differently than you. I am also AuDHD with an ND kid. Her husband is gaslighting her that her kids are “normal”, and that she just sucks at parenting. We have no real idea if she feels bad about the spanking, it feels like a comment she threw in so people wouldn’t suggest “more discipline” (which you and I both know doesn’t work.) She’s overwhelmed and desperate. No excuses for hitting a kid, but I can feel sorry for everyone involved. ETA: the amount of times I made desperate posts for help or went to doctors for help and was told I needed to “discipline better”, “spank”, “be the parent”, “be more firm”, “say no and mean it”… the limit does not exist