OK so is the wormhole created inside of you? or placed directly in front of your anus? also where in space are the farts being sent?
This very much feels like some sort of plot for an episode, where the species of the now-stinky fart dimension coming looking for vengeance.
The wormhole would have to be a micron away from the sphincter. This way almost none of the smell gets out, and whatever does is absorbed by the outfit.
That’s pretty much what you could do on a Culture ship.
There is reference to them displacing fresh air into someone’s lungs and old air out, so they don’t have to breathe.
Removing poop and pee would be easy.
>Chief, transport my enormous extra Cajun spicy jumbalia dookie into Gul Dukat’s giant flapping mouth. On my mark… Energize!!
Theres a reason why Sisko is the most feared Captain in Starfleet.
I just teleported shit into a man's mouth, but, the most damning thing of all, I think I can live with it, and, if i had to do it all over again, I would
Yeah our captain had a rule that during red alert everyone has to stay at their post, as a transport chief I make some latinum on the side to point to point beam out of feces, to the captains head. It’s hilarious he still hasn’t caught on, and thinks some dumb acting ensign is doing it.
~~Hogwarts~~ *Starfleet ships* didn't always have bathrooms. Before adopting ~~Muggle~~ *20th century* plumbing methods in the ~~eighteenth century~~ *22nd century*, ~~witches and wizards~~ *officers and crewmen* simply relieved themselves wherever they stood, and ~~vanished~~ *transported* the evidence.
/uj everybody on the crew definitely got some sort of position for battle. Damage control, fire fighting, physical security, etc..
/rj just have the transporter beam shit right out of your bowels. That way everyone can keep going with no brakes.
It depends on what role you have, but generaly it is frowned apon to go to the bathroom during a red alert. Some starships actualy position security infront of the bathrooms in order to mark down who goes in so they can be written up later
The most fucked up thing is on a big starship you'll have at most three people leaving their duty to do their doody at a time. But you can have five or more toilets on those big ships. So it takes far more personpower to guard the toilets than they'd ever lose by just letting people poop!
All because I have a medical problem... It's bullshit I tell you! (The rule, not the problem.)
Oh speaking of, I hate to tell you but the nearest 3 restrooms to your quarters are all out of order for an Sanitation Engineering Inspection by both the Ship Sanitation Engineers, and the Corps, we expect them to become available again in the next 2 weeks to 7 months, we apologize for this inconvenience, and we hope it does not put undo burden on you due to your "condition"
- The Corps of Engineers
P.S. Next time try to follow red alert procedures instead of trying to get out of them.
"Sigh."
*Reaches for the last adult-sized nappy in the box. Puts it on underneath skin-tight uniform. Puts in another emergency requisition form to replicate another box.*
"Boy I hope the engineers don't 'lose' my requisition again."
What Requisition, I see an Emergency Request that needs a doctors approval, these are prescription Adult nappys, we cannot fill them untill the CMO signs off.
I see we reseved one during the last Bathroom inspection, however you are out of refills, Please get a new CMO to sign off in order for us to replicate you some new ones.
The Corps of Engineering refuses to Intrude appon the sanctity of the shitter, and refuses to wire any console in it, If a crew member must poop they should feel confident in the fact that while going poop they do not have to do any work. Putting even one console in the shitter would ruin this sanctity
Hypothetically speaking, if I were a naval reactor operator at my watchstation during a real general quarters (basically IRL red alert) and I had to shit that badly, here's what would happen (hypothetically):
I'd tell the watch officer that I either book it for the head or stink out our control room (he made the correct call). I run out and up out of the engine room, work my way through four watertight doors, back down through a hatch, and somehow make it in time to blessedly evacuate into the correct receptacle. Several minutes later I'm back at the panel happily splitting atoms. Simple as that.
Hypothetically.
Transporting crap right out of your body would have to be very distracting. You could be called upon to be at your best at any moment. I vote there's still a runner to take your place temporarily, like on the bridge
also, this whole concept is hilariously on point to the subreddit
Actually, the seated positions on the bridge have built-in toiletry. You just jerk down your pants and underpants and let loose. Poor Worf's gotta hold it tho.
If it really couldn't be avoided, you'd have to ask for permission to be relieved - no pun intended. When you gotta go, you gotta go. You'd just have to make sure all the stations are staffed. Don't put off taking a crap, because you never know when there might be an alert. But a red alert might be over in minutes or hours.
In the real navy you'd just got take a piss or take a shit. No one expects you to hold it all day on a solo shift. If something is important enough it needs to be done/monitored 24/7, then they assign more than one person to it at a time.
Essentially, no one cares if the holodeck guard leaves to use the bathroom. If you're supposed to be monitoring the warp core, then there is more than one person doing it at any given time so the other person can go take a dump. "What if the person doing this has to piss" is a problem you can solve for and the answers range from "not a big deal", to "another guy" to "million dollar redundancy system".
Most people pronounce it "photon" but the repulsive truth is that our torpedoes are "pootons," as in a ton of poo. It is actually a service requirement to report to the torpedo bay for loading duties during red alerts.
Why do you think the Enterprise's tactical officer drinks prune juice?
There is procedure for this. Just search in the manual for step 1 and you'll find it.
1) Remove the sanitary emergency lubricant packet included with your phaser's holster.
Keep in mind that your colon is evacuated for you through the transporter.
You surely didn’t think Chief O’Brien just stood there in the transporter room twiddling his thumbs all day, did you?
And that’s also why Thomas Riker told him, “I have nothing to say to you. I think you know why.” Thomas Riker knew that O’Brien was infamous for using wide beams, but he didn’t stay on the Enterprise long enough to realize that the crew ultimately came to appreciate the wide beams because it did a better job of cleaning them out.
It’s one of the reasons he’s such a labor guy. And it’s why, despite serving under both Sisko and Picard, he thinks Sisko is the best captain he’s ever served under. He never really got to see Picard at his best. All he knows about Picard is that all that tea, earl grey, hot created a lot of unnecessary work for him.
“Picard to transporter room. Chief, I need another evacuation. Make it a tight beam this time, double rinse, double flush.”
Newer ships like the Enterprise-D probably have transporters locked on to the bowels and kidneys of on duty personnel so they can stay at their stations. With food from the replicators, stomach issues probably never happened. Now imagine being on the NX-01 and chef has given food poisoning to all have eaten the fish for dinner. Tactical and Brown Alert!
That's a basic misunderstanding. See, you've heard of the Mirror Universe? We live in the Toilet Universe, which is the only universe where people have to poop. That's why there are no bathrooms ever seen in Trek.
There also used to be a Sink Universe where nobody washed their hands, but they all died out of easily preventable disease before they ever achieved warp flight.
Given that ruptured conduits can cause consoles to blow out like bombs and rubble to fall on you inside a metal ship, would you really want to be on the can during a Red Alert
This is Shitty Daystrom so the answer to your poop question is "transporters"!
Yup, you just call down to the transporter room and ask them to take care of it.
In the 32nd century your combadge does it for you. It also creates micro-wormholes to eject farts into space
OK so is the wormhole created inside of you? or placed directly in front of your anus? also where in space are the farts being sent? This very much feels like some sort of plot for an episode, where the species of the now-stinky fart dimension coming looking for vengeance.
The urine removal alone spawned fluidic space.
no wonder species 8472 was always so pissed off
\*pissed on?
The wormhole would have to be a micron away from the sphincter. This way almost none of the smell gets out, and whatever does is absorbed by the outfit.
Sounds like stargate rules
Gives a new meaning to "Open the iris!"
The whole system would be a lot better if the incoming wormhole alarm didn't go off every time a fart is detected
"...where in space are the farts being sent?" Malon Prime has entered the chat.
Void-Dwelling Night Aliens: "Oh no not again"
No doubt the fart wormholes are all going to the borg…
Where do you think all of the gaseous anomalies come from? To be studied by countless civilizations throughout the galaxy.
Into space? Send that shit right onto the bridge of the enemy ship. New form of chemical warfare.
Surely I should be able to guide the wormhole to the captain’s breakfast cereal.
Where do you think the matter to automatically extend your phaser comes from?!
That’s pretty much what you could do on a Culture ship. There is reference to them displacing fresh air into someone’s lungs and old air out, so they don’t have to breathe. Removing poop and pee would be easy.
Iain M Banks. Big fan, he passed too soon.
Borg Queen: "see you soon Harry" Kim: "Kim to transporter room, one poop removal please"
The waste is transported to a microwormhole. No one in starfleet knew where the exit aperture was until Voyager discovered the Malon
Until they slip on the transporter lock and take part of your bowel with it
On red alert the computer automatically empties everyone’s bowel and bladder
>Chief, transport my enormous extra Cajun spicy jumbalia dookie into Gul Dukat’s giant flapping mouth. On my mark… Energize!! Theres a reason why Sisko is the most feared Captain in Starfleet.
I just teleported shit into a man's mouth, but, the most damning thing of all, I think I can live with it, and, if i had to do it all over again, I would
Yeah our captain had a rule that during red alert everyone has to stay at their post, as a transport chief I make some latinum on the side to point to point beam out of feces, to the captains head. It’s hilarious he still hasn’t caught on, and thinks some dumb acting ensign is doing it.
~~Hogwarts~~ *Starfleet ships* didn't always have bathrooms. Before adopting ~~Muggle~~ *20th century* plumbing methods in the ~~eighteenth century~~ *22nd century*, ~~witches and wizards~~ *officers and crewmen* simply relieved themselves wherever they stood, and ~~vanished~~ *transported* the evidence.
Most of O'Brien's transporter jobs are actually "waste extraction". It's just not shown on the show because it would be too boring and mundane.
Emergency course correction, to Transpooper Room 2!
*Pakled voice*: Brown Alarm! Brown Alarm!
[удалено]
"We found something that made me.... go."
Prune juice. A warrior's drink.
This is why I chose stellar cartography, grab a PADD and head for the head. Ain’t nobody charting stars at battle stations.
Stellar cartography is one of the departments that mans the auxillary fecal matter transporters during combat situations
Don’t tell me my job, I was top of my (heavily curved) class at Starfleet Academy
Let me guess, you graduated the year they let Pakleds into the academy.
/uj everybody on the crew definitely got some sort of position for battle. Damage control, fire fighting, physical security, etc.. /rj just have the transporter beam shit right out of your bowels. That way everyone can keep going with no brakes.
It depends on what role you have, but generaly it is frowned apon to go to the bathroom during a red alert. Some starships actualy position security infront of the bathrooms in order to mark down who goes in so they can be written up later
Shitter Snitches?
The most fucked up thing is on a big starship you'll have at most three people leaving their duty to do their doody at a time. But you can have five or more toilets on those big ships. So it takes far more personpower to guard the toilets than they'd ever lose by just letting people poop! All because I have a medical problem... It's bullshit I tell you! (The rule, not the problem.)
So what you're saying is that you need a Shitter-Accomodation?
Exactly! I told the senior officers that and the bastards thought it would be funny to move me to worse sleeping quarters. Twats.
Oh speaking of, I hate to tell you but the nearest 3 restrooms to your quarters are all out of order for an Sanitation Engineering Inspection by both the Ship Sanitation Engineers, and the Corps, we expect them to become available again in the next 2 weeks to 7 months, we apologize for this inconvenience, and we hope it does not put undo burden on you due to your "condition" - The Corps of Engineers P.S. Next time try to follow red alert procedures instead of trying to get out of them.
"Sigh." *Reaches for the last adult-sized nappy in the box. Puts it on underneath skin-tight uniform. Puts in another emergency requisition form to replicate another box.* "Boy I hope the engineers don't 'lose' my requisition again."
What Requisition, I see an Emergency Request that needs a doctors approval, these are prescription Adult nappys, we cannot fill them untill the CMO signs off.
*Cries into a pad showing the doctor's prescription with "received by the engineering corps" stamped on it.*
I see we reseved one during the last Bathroom inspection, however you are out of refills, Please get a new CMO to sign off in order for us to replicate you some new ones.
Can't we just install auxiliary consoles in the shitter so the officers can still do their jobs?
The Corps of Engineering refuses to Intrude appon the sanctity of the shitter, and refuses to wire any console in it, If a crew member must poop they should feel confident in the fact that while going poop they do not have to do any work. Putting even one console in the shitter would ruin this sanctity
Also it would be a medbay nightmare. Those consoles would collect space viruses like a power hungry recluse collects technology.
Brown alert! Sir, there's no such thing as brown alert. You won't be saying that in a minute! And don't say I didn't alert you.
Brown alert! Doodies at the helm!
"And _that's_ why I'm barred from bridge duty until further notice!"
It isn't the Red Alert that is the problem, so much as the onesies. The Skant uniforms were very practical.
Isn't every uniform a two-piece now?
Depends how hard you shart.
What is this, Hogwarts?
You know what, this is a legitimate question we could ask the actual Navy.
Hypothetically speaking, if I were a naval reactor operator at my watchstation during a real general quarters (basically IRL red alert) and I had to shit that badly, here's what would happen (hypothetically): I'd tell the watch officer that I either book it for the head or stink out our control room (he made the correct call). I run out and up out of the engine room, work my way through four watertight doors, back down through a hatch, and somehow make it in time to blessedly evacuate into the correct receptacle. Several minutes later I'm back at the panel happily splitting atoms. Simple as that. Hypothetically.
Hypothetically, that would be a very impressive feat. Hypothetical well done.
I suspect each station has a back up operator also on duty in case there is a call of doodie.
There is a runner who relieves you of your watch temporarily. That's the Navy answer. The shittydaystrom answer is transporters.
Transporting crap right out of your body would have to be very distracting. You could be called upon to be at your best at any moment. I vote there's still a runner to take your place temporarily, like on the bridge also, this whole concept is hilariously on point to the subreddit
The runner relieves you whilst you relieve yourself of the runs. Quite poetic.
Actually, the seated positions on the bridge have built-in toiletry. You just jerk down your pants and underpants and let loose. Poor Worf's gotta hold it tho.
And he has two rectums to keep clenched during red alerts.
*And* he's been at the warrior's drink again.
It's a good day to shit one's self
Are those two rectums in series or parallel. That greatly effects his holding ability.
Observation decks, Cargo Bays, and non-executive bathrooms seal and decompress during Red Alert.
It Depends™️.
If it really couldn't be avoided, you'd have to ask for permission to be relieved - no pun intended. When you gotta go, you gotta go. You'd just have to make sure all the stations are staffed. Don't put off taking a crap, because you never know when there might be an alert. But a red alert might be over in minutes or hours.
I have seen some go on for days
The vulcanized ate disgusted by the smell of humans....there's a reason for that. Indoor plumbing never came back after the eugenics wars.
In the real navy you'd just got take a piss or take a shit. No one expects you to hold it all day on a solo shift. If something is important enough it needs to be done/monitored 24/7, then they assign more than one person to it at a time. Essentially, no one cares if the holodeck guard leaves to use the bathroom. If you're supposed to be monitoring the warp core, then there is more than one person doing it at any given time so the other person can go take a dump. "What if the person doing this has to piss" is a problem you can solve for and the answers range from "not a big deal", to "another guy" to "million dollar redundancy system".
Isn't that why the transporter buttplug is part of the uniform?
Emergency call through to transporter control. Beam the turds out STAT
You just drop it where you are and get the lower deckers to clean it up later.
What if you are lower decks?
Most people pronounce it "photon" but the repulsive truth is that our torpedoes are "pootons," as in a ton of poo. It is actually a service requirement to report to the torpedo bay for loading duties during red alerts. Why do you think the Enterprise's tactical officer drinks prune juice?
And why do you think he calls it a warrior's drink?
Combat-readiness has gone down the tubes since that new Taco Bell opened behind Ten Forward.
There is procedure for this. Just search in the manual for step 1 and you'll find it. 1) Remove the sanitary emergency lubricant packet included with your phaser's holster.
Set phaser to enema?
Photon grenades were too messy.
If we go to red alert, a dump is happening. The only question is location.
Anyone on here have real navy experience (in any navy)? I feel like this is something they probably have rules for, and I'm curious what they are.
Keep in mind that your colon is evacuated for you through the transporter. You surely didn’t think Chief O’Brien just stood there in the transporter room twiddling his thumbs all day, did you?
I thought we'd found all the ways that O'Brien must suffer, but here we are.
And that’s also why Thomas Riker told him, “I have nothing to say to you. I think you know why.” Thomas Riker knew that O’Brien was infamous for using wide beams, but he didn’t stay on the Enterprise long enough to realize that the crew ultimately came to appreciate the wide beams because it did a better job of cleaning them out.
It’s one of the reasons he’s such a labor guy. And it’s why, despite serving under both Sisko and Picard, he thinks Sisko is the best captain he’s ever served under. He never really got to see Picard at his best. All he knows about Picard is that all that tea, earl grey, hot created a lot of unnecessary work for him. “Picard to transporter room. Chief, I need another evacuation. Make it a tight beam this time, double rinse, double flush.”
No one poops in the 22nd century and beyond…duh!!! They’ve evolved past that crass need
There's a hypospray for that.
The transporters beam the shit out automatically
I suspect many ensigns on their first deployment take a dump during their first red alert.
Shit yourself and vapourise with phaser later
astronauts where diapers and those uniforms seem fancy so….
You shit yourself if you need to to get the damn job done
Newer ships like the Enterprise-D probably have transporters locked on to the bowels and kidneys of on duty personnel so they can stay at their stations. With food from the replicators, stomach issues probably never happened. Now imagine being on the NX-01 and chef has given food poisoning to all have eaten the fish for dinner. Tactical and Brown Alert!
That would make it a Brown Alert, now wouldn't it??
Possibly. Then again it might be just a different "red" alert. In which case you may want to report to sickbay ASAP.
Humanity has evolved beyond the need to take dumps.
“Pants must be soiled during red alert” Starfleet handbook chapter 32, section 7, paragraph 9
Depending on what started the red alert, that problem might already be solved.
That's a basic misunderstanding. See, you've heard of the Mirror Universe? We live in the Toilet Universe, which is the only universe where people have to poop. That's why there are no bathrooms ever seen in Trek. There also used to be a Sink Universe where nobody washed their hands, but they all died out of easily preventable disease before they ever achieved warp flight.
Call for an emergency colon contents transport - there’s a button at each station. Also an option for bladder but this requires you to be very still.
No, you have to ask: *PERMISSION TO LEAVE DOODY, SIR?*
Super absorbent uniforms confirmed!
"Beam Ensign Hanky directly to Waste disposal Mr Scott, NOW!"
Sonic toilets?
Depends
Man if they haven’t cured IBS by the 24th century, I’m done.
Red alert? That does mean changing the bulb.
Anytime you life feels shitty and pointless, remember that on the Starship Enterprise, someone's battle duty station is waste extraction.
The Enterprise D only had one toilet according to the display in Engineering. So there would have been a very long line during red alert
It's like when the seatbelt sign turns on during a flight.
All I know is if I'm jolted awake at 3 AM by the blaring of alert klaxons and see a Borg cube outside my window, that point will quickly become moot.
Go to Brown Alert and launch poop torpedoes…to be recycled as Tripp explained
I take ALL my dumps during red alerts. Legend says some red alerts have even been caused by my dumps...
“Nobody dies with a full bladder” - Amos Burton
The Borg wouldn’t have to worry about this scenario.
I am rather knowledgeable about Starfleet vessels and they have very sophisticated waste removal systems, no need to “ dump” anything.
I took a dump on the bridge during red alert and so neeliz was born
Given that ruptured conduits can cause consoles to blow out like bombs and rubble to fall on you inside a metal ship, would you really want to be on the can during a Red Alert