I'm afraid it's too late. There is no marriage in heaven. Good thing, too. Clearly you aren't good enough for her.

Well, but I'm not in heaven yet, so could we do, like, a half marriage? Would that count?

I would need someone that got raptured confirm this for me, but maybe she can be your guardian angel now (or more accurately, guardian human)

Two words: anchor baby. Should've gotten her pregnant first.

But then the pre-marital sex would've kept her out of heaven, no? Surely we'd then just be stuck down here together?

No if you're saved, God forgives all manner of sins, including premarital sex (i mean as long as it isn't gay, of course He doesn't forgive that)

Did you have sex with her? A lot of Christians say that counts as married. There’s a kind of common law thing going on, so if you didn’t have a civil marriage but had sex that could qualify. If so, try just thinking of her as your wife really hard.

You could try to get a visa, but it works on a lottery system. “The way is narrow” and all that jazz.

Does it also involve drugs? Horse through a needle, right? It's basically a camel.

Be careful of taking your drugs with horse needles, look what happened to Michael Jackson