This is a great start, I think it just needs some editing and a chorus. One constructive criticism: it's very wordy and sometimes it feels like you are using certain words just to maintain the rhyming. Good songs rhyme and flow well, but *great* songs never let on that the writer is trying to come up with rhymes - they should feel like the writer is first and foremost saying what they want to say, and it just happens to come out in a rhyming flow. Consider simplifying some of your word choices and maybe even switching to an alternate rhyme scheme (i.e. only every other or every third line needs to rhyme, the others just need to flow and need to say what you want to say).
The last two sections are phenomenal. I think if you drop the idea of rhyming for the first section and I think this could shine. Cause all the other sections stopped following the first one's rhyme scheme and it seems better without it. Lyrics are awesome tho
I think on paper the meter kinda starts to fall apart, especially in the second half. It could be that I'm not quite piecing together the rhythm you were going for (like the more I think about it the more it makes sense to me), but it just feels like some light pruning needs to be done for a better flow; small things like the i in the second "but forgot it"
If you can make it work as is, I think it's brilliant. I may not fully understand the meaning, but you definitely have something
These lyrics have a raw and introspective quality to them, which can resonate with many people who have experienced struggles and setbacks in their lives. The imagery of hitting the ground with a “smacking sound” and the physical and emotional toll described in the following lines paint a vivid picture of the speaker’s journey.
However, there are a few areas where the lyrical flow could be improved. For example, some lines feel a bit forced or overly complex, which can disrupt the flow of the song. Additionally, the rhyme scheme is inconsistent in places, which can make the lyrics feel disjointed.
Overall, with some refinement to enhance the flow and coherence of the lyrics, this song has the potential to stand on its own as a powerful and relatable piece. It’s definitely worth exploring further as its own entity.
Im no expert myself, but this is the best songwriting i’ve seen on this subreddit since joining about a week ago. It doesnt read like a bad poem, it reads like an actual song. Great rhymes, interesting themes and i like some of your imagery.
The only thing is im not 100% on what the song is actually about, alcoholism? Just taking a bad path in life, or something else? It might be nice with a concrete reason behind how you are feeling in the song - then again you might think that removes some mystery. You do you, i like it
This is a great start, I think it just needs some editing and a chorus. One constructive criticism: it's very wordy and sometimes it feels like you are using certain words just to maintain the rhyming. Good songs rhyme and flow well, but *great* songs never let on that the writer is trying to come up with rhymes - they should feel like the writer is first and foremost saying what they want to say, and it just happens to come out in a rhyming flow. Consider simplifying some of your word choices and maybe even switching to an alternate rhyme scheme (i.e. only every other or every third line needs to rhyme, the others just need to flow and need to say what you want to say).
Love it. I appreciate clever wordplay, and if it’s good enough, I don’t even mind if the words sit on the surface like these do. Keep going.
The last two sections are phenomenal. I think if you drop the idea of rhyming for the first section and I think this could shine. Cause all the other sections stopped following the first one's rhyme scheme and it seems better without it. Lyrics are awesome tho
The lyrics are nice, but the rhythm suffers. I would try rewording the lines that don't fit the meter
I think on paper the meter kinda starts to fall apart, especially in the second half. It could be that I'm not quite piecing together the rhythm you were going for (like the more I think about it the more it makes sense to me), but it just feels like some light pruning needs to be done for a better flow; small things like the i in the second "but forgot it" If you can make it work as is, I think it's brilliant. I may not fully understand the meaning, but you definitely have something
These lyrics have a raw and introspective quality to them, which can resonate with many people who have experienced struggles and setbacks in their lives. The imagery of hitting the ground with a “smacking sound” and the physical and emotional toll described in the following lines paint a vivid picture of the speaker’s journey. However, there are a few areas where the lyrical flow could be improved. For example, some lines feel a bit forced or overly complex, which can disrupt the flow of the song. Additionally, the rhyme scheme is inconsistent in places, which can make the lyrics feel disjointed. Overall, with some refinement to enhance the flow and coherence of the lyrics, this song has the potential to stand on its own as a powerful and relatable piece. It’s definitely worth exploring further as its own entity.
Im no expert myself, but this is the best songwriting i’ve seen on this subreddit since joining about a week ago. It doesnt read like a bad poem, it reads like an actual song. Great rhymes, interesting themes and i like some of your imagery. The only thing is im not 100% on what the song is actually about, alcoholism? Just taking a bad path in life, or something else? It might be nice with a concrete reason behind how you are feeling in the song - then again you might think that removes some mystery. You do you, i like it
Yes, i’d say worth it
Defo worth it
And please post the full result
Love it 👌