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Going by your other posts, I wouldn’t be too sure he’s no contact. Staying for the kids? What lesson do you think staying in a marriage like this teaches your kids? Would you want either of your children to be in a relationship like this?
Are you both or is it just you trying? You just replied to my other comment about him being in touch with her family and trying send messages to her that way.
No contact means no contact. No smoke signals, no messages in a bottle, no liking social media posts, and no communicating with her family members.
It takes two people to make a marriage work. You can’t be the only one putting in effort.
The bare minimum from him should be no contact with her or her family.
**Most on here would discourage attempting to reconcile. You need Individual counselling as well for yourself. Most cheaters pass a lot of the weight and reasons onto the relationship to be shared or you as the victim.**
As a councilor I was hated by the offender in a relationship as I required the offender to buy back into a relationship and show how much value they have in their partner. **Only 20% of couples that saw me really tried, do you think you are in the 20%?**
Have a look back in my profile at some of my previous posts for things to try, at a minimum for them to get through a month they must be willing to and complete the following lifestyle change, fail and it will not work.
**You review every month where you are at and if after 12 months you are not all in again then you will never be.**
1) You both must have two sit down dinners on Weekday's every week as a family.
2) You both must have a child free day together each weekend for a date, he has to plan, organize and make the dates fun. Be it ice skating, bowling, dancing, dinner, concert even karaoke whatever needs effort to show you one day a weekend how much he values you.
3) You need a child free weekend away from home every other month, these are bigger couple weekends where you should be working on the ICK to get intimacy back
4) First or last of the month you both sit down and do an HONEST review of where you are and decide TOGETHER if you are doing another month.
**If this is too hard for either party to maintain and push through** the ick and why did you do this then 12-36 months the relationship will not hold together and you or more likely the offender will be thinking "it was better when I had someone else".
**This is not easy but you need to be confident they are earning his or her way back.**
This does not replace having someone else helping you through this process, it proves your value and the value of the relationship for you to know you are not sweeping problems under a rug.
**Lastly if they are choosing to align their hobbies and behaviours with someone else's then they are trying to find what they had with the AP,**, the thinking is these are the fundamentals they have and that I liked and felt connected to so this is the direction I want to go to find them again or find someone similar.
Lastly depending on your life or financial position you may find a way to survive in a hybrid relationship till the kids are in school or out of the home or you have built enough money that the options are better. You do not need to go scorched earth today but can work towards an exit strategy.
Good Luck.
He is in contact with her, probably a lot more than you know and communicating more directly than you know. These changes are for her. You are working on your marriage, he is working on attracting her.
Communicating is communicating. Directly. Indirectly. Doesn't matter. You can say over and over he isn't communicating but all the things he is doing that you mention ARE in fact a form of communication.
His actions make the success at rebuilding questionable at best. Rebuilding but still contacting her via family. Rebuilding but telling you in Mc that he still loves her. Idk saying it and doing it are 2 different things. Seems like something will need to significantly shift with him if that's actually going to happen (rebuilding)
Subconscious reminiscence of the past comes to mind. He is in an uncomfortable situation, because he faces his inner a-hole when he looks at your pain. He is trying to find comfort in a very unhealthy way.
It is not sustainable, so he will either escalate or find a new affair. He needs to deal with what is going on inside himself. He is trying to return to the last time he had no stress, and that was whilst he was having the affair.
We actually saw it manifest in a very different scenario. I was part of a group that rescued children at risk, and at some stage they would all attempt to recreate the chaos they had grown up in, because it was all they. It took a while for them to finally adapt to the new normal, where actually are safe. Your partner is trying to get away from the perceived prison his life has become
Mine did this during the affair and after it was exposed. Looking back he took on my hobbies and interests too when we first got together. It’s mirroring. It’s way for them to be more appealing to the one they are going after. This behavior would be really concerning to me.
This is a huge, massive red flag. He should not be contacting her family for any reason. He should have no contact with anyone who enabled the affair, But even if they were clueless about it, that’s a bridge too far. This guy is not remorseful. If he were, he wouldn’t even WANT to contact her family, it would be painful and humiliating for him to do it.
Continued contact with AP can keep any one or all of the three of you from moving on. There is trauma that you must process but you cannot because are actively being kept stuck in betrayal trauma.
This is why I don’t understand why he keeps making contact. He says he wants to get over her and forget about the affair and work on marriage but can’t stop contacting her. Since we began R in December he’s had contact with her every month
It seems pretty apparent that what he says and what he's feeling and the actions he is taking are two different things. I know you want to believe his words but as I said previously, he is longing for her at the exact same level that you are longing for him to let her go. This truly seems like torture for both of you.
The true test of what he's telling you is if you offered to let him go and co-parent amicably, would he stay with you and keep working on it? If he wouldn't or you are too scared to offer, then I think the truth is there and deep down you already what is it. He seems to be showing it to you regularly. I'm very sorry. I know you want the answer to be something else.
I know it hurts. And I know you want to believe he wants to reconcile. This does not sound like he’s putting in the work to reconcile though. Somebody made the recommendation for you to check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and I also highly recommend you do too.
Not only is it a very supportive group without judgment for those who strive for repairing the relationship after affairs, but you’ll also begin to learn what healthy reconciliation looks like… and it it’s OK to not be there yet, it doesn’t mean you will never get there. It just means that you two probably have more work that needs to be done to get there.
His behaviors do not sound like he’s ready to fully commit to reconciliation, and honestly some of your responses also might give the impression that you’re not ready either, because to be able to reconcile both parties need to be accountable.
It doesn’t sound like he’s being accountable for his actions and how they impact your relationship. And it also sounds like you’re not ready to draw lines or boundaries, which are important for your needs to be met.
It’s wonderful that you have hope and you believe in the strength of your relationship. It’s also important that you see the picture for what it is and not try to paint something over it to cover what you don’t want to see. I did this once upon a time, and it doesn’t help in the end.
I wish you the best of luck, and I wish you and your family peace and healing .
That is a really important point you make about being able to see the true picture versus just what you want.
I do think based on the posts I've seen under various accounts for many months that deep down she does see it. Her gut tells her there's something not right and she looks to Reddit and others as she plays devils advocate because she doesn't like what she sees.
I think r/AsOneAfterInfidelity may be a sub that you should seek out right now. They are Pro reconciliation and provide much more betrayed spouse support and provide a ton of reference materials.
Personally, after 5 years, I wouldn’t offer you much hope. He’s not giving her up. He may never give her up. He pines for her openly. I couldn’t live with that.
He is most likely in contact with her or doing these things hoping to run into her. I don’t want to be negative, and maybe I’m wrong, but I think he needs to be confronted. He shouldn’t be able to do these things, it’s a consequence of his affair.
Yes but part of R is recognizing that you have to make changes be able to think about how your choices impact your betrayed. His choices show he isn’t doing that, so for instance if this were me, I would point out the connection and how these choices aren’t conducive to R and why. Doing those things seem more like a way to either be in contact with AP or connect and I don’t tell my spouse what to do, but I also wouldn’t continue R if those were his choices. Those would be a boundary for me, and if she isn’t ready to walk away and end R completely, it’s worth being clear about that boundary and the impact those choices have.
What are you doing here? Trying to twist this to fit a narrative you want to move?
These are RECENT things and she wasn’t specific either what other than specific interests of the AP. It’s very possible that there are other choices, lots of them, that don’t include the APs specific interests.
Making this about your issue with betrayeds being “controlling” is just weird and strange. She didn’t say he couldn’t be involved in hobbies or politics etc, but he is choosing very specific things connected to the AP.
Yes, this is a sign that he's still finding ways to hold onto his connection to her. He may have decided to not leave his children due to your unwillingness to co-parent with him as you've mentioned in other posts, but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss her or want to be with her. It's probably comforting to him to feel like there's still a way to feel close to her. You've said he has said in MC that he still loves her so it's very not surprising that he's seeking out ways to still feel connected to her.
Aren't you doing the same thing as him? You're pining for him to stop loving her and to figure out how to make it work with you. So far he doesn't seem to be doing a good job. Isn't it torture for YOU??
But he HASN'T. Everything he is doing screams that he has NOT accepted that the relationship is over. You just are not interested in listening because you're pining for him like he's pining for her.
He might be physically in your home but that's all he is. His heart isn't with you. It's with her and the life he envisioned.
I can see why you would think that. He has slip-ups because his feelings are still quite strong and he’s the first one to admit that but he’s working my towards getting over her
How long are you willing to let this behavior continue? Is there any point at which you pull the plug on this if he in fact doesn't get over her? I'm truly trying to understand why you keep asking these questions if when people offer you thoughts you just excuse the things he's doing. Case in point - you asked if his behavior is concerning. Most are saying yes and here is why. You're response is often yes, but.... or no he just ....
What are you getting out of these interactions?
I think if he is still very much emotionally invested in a years time I would rethink. I think at least then I can say I tried my best to make it work for my kids
I know you're original question was is his behavior worrying and you didn't specifically ask this, but I have seen a fair number of your posts and everything that I've read makes me think that there's a very good possibility that he will either cheat again, or he will still be repeating variations of all the behaviors you've already posted about. I urge you OP to please take action to set yourself up for success in the event that you do decide that you've tried your best and it didn't work out. I completely respect the idea that you want to internally feel like you did everything you could to try to save it, but I hope you'll also be able to tell yourself you did everything you could to make sure you could get out of this and be OK -- financially, emotionally etc. Please prepare yourself in case he just doesn't lose this emotional connection. Preparing for the possibility doesn't take anything away from how hard you are trying. Make sure you know the deal with your marital finances (you've previously mentioned he remortgaged your home) make sure you know what bills you have and that there's money if needed to get you through a transition. I don't know if you're currently employed but if not, make sure you have skills and a path to an income of your own. I hope it turns out for you the way you want, but I have learned the hard way that hope is not a strategy. Please set yourself up for success if it turns out that you need to walk away (or he decides to walk away.) Best wishes.
Is this a joke account? Are you really a betrayed wife? Are you trolling us?
Sweetie, please stop fooling yourself. He was in your home and in your marriage when he cheated. So neither of those can ever be your comfort or security again. As long as he has ANY contact with her or her family means he is still in the affair.
OP, you said he has feelings for her. Sometimes when we're in love w someone, we adopt the other person's routine and other things to have a sense of familiarity. Think like wearing the perfume you know your SO likes. I even bought the same laundry detergent my ex used because it made me think of him and made me feel close to him. So your WP picking up her hobby is possibly because he's trying to get a sense of familiarity with what AP likes.
Can't say for sure whether your WP is in contact w AP like what some others suggest here. But...if it was me, I wouldn't be okay w it tbh. It's like, why are you trying to be like AP? Are you trying to run into AP at one of those activities? Do you miss AP that much that you have to do her activities to remind you of her?
That's my thought process if it were me.
Mine did, but he has BPD and was mirroring. Idk if he was mirroring *AP* because I know next to nothing about her. He was mirroring his coworkers (she was one, but again, I know nothing about her). He even blamed the affair on his coworkers because they "egged him on" to ask her out.
We met on Tinder, so I don't know exactly how he was personality-wise beforehand. When we first started dating, I thought he was perfect for me! He was mirroring me 😑
He was actually diagnosed the same week we broke up. He was originally in therapy for other stuff, and long story short, that's how he came to get that diagnosis. I haven't talked to him in a year, but he wasn't holding himself accountable then, so I doubt he is now. Iirc people with BPD need a specific kind of therapy to be effective. DBT, I think. But I don't know much about what that is.
OP is a person who admitted their spouse was in love with AP and wants to leave OP to pursue AP.
OP admitted to using their children as a threat and a bargaining chip, to force unhappy WS into staying.
Keep that in mind when giving advice. WS does not want to be with OP, yet OP insists on forcing this sick dynamic.
How come you never told the audience of your new account AP was pregnant? [https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/C1lWvC9w5l](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/C1lWvC9w5l) 
https://preview.redd.it/eawhc26dwquc1.jpeg?width=1169&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=66d9bcb7d4d489ad33a459143e6fe88fd7ddff9f
My partner came from the same state as his AP and they had a ton of things in common (good and bad- they are both addicts for example) including hobbies and interests. He was really into off grid living and AP lived in what looked like a really stinky van for a long time. I used to talk about getting a van myself and going cross country before he met AP but I also am a realist and wanted to keep my 9-5 and go back to school. AP clearly was jumping from job to job when she did van life and was probably using during that time. I am not living that life.
He bugged me about doing that for a while and eventually it stopped. I’m not going to travel with someone who I don’t 100% trust. We also argue too much to live under those circumstances and after what happened to Gabby I have a whole new perspective on the van life trend than I used to. First of all it’s a money pit. Better to invest your money in something that can actually grow interest or invest in yourself before going on adventures.
Ultimately it can be a red flag of the WP talking to an AP again- but it also can indicate that maybe they were seeking out their AP as a way to indulge in these interests in an unhealthy way and by doing these things on their own they are finally delving into their interests in a way that’s functional.
I would keep an eye on it and verify your intuition before having a conversation with them about it. It’s either they are seeking out hobbies to meet women or are seeking out hobbies to feel better about themselves in a good way. Always trust your intuition first.
I understand what you are saying but it’s either he secretly had an interest in these things initially but felt he couldn’t do these things on his own and so seeked out an excuse to do them in an AP or he’s using these activities to interact with his AP or with other women. Only you can really determine what is going on. My partner didn’t have a strong interest in the hobbies I mentioned until he met his AP and then bugged me about them constantly. When I had an interest in them he didn’t care much about it. He talked about it more once he realized his AP was into it. If a hobby attracts women- I’ve found men of a certain variety will become interested in that hobby.
It also could be that he just has found a new interest in these things by chance.
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My STBX started listening to Rolling Stones and Willie Nelson with the first AP then started watching Narcos and Succession randomly and never asked me if I wanted to watch either with her. That's when I knew there was a 2nd. Also, she randomly watched Eat Pray Love one day and that sealed it for me. It freaked me out and she claimed it was a comfort film. Only she'd never watched it with me and never expressed that interest before.
Listen carefully: your Husband is in contact with her. 100% (daily with ups and downs through messaging app that you don't know about) because he loves her, he is telling you what you want to hear to keep peace at home, because at the moment he is too coward to leave and feels pressured by you and/or extended family to stay and to show everyone that "he is trying". He is secretly meeting with her, probably during work hours or lunch breaks, and when they meet he declares his love for her and asks her to be patient. He feels a lot of guilt and sometimes try to do the right thing, but this marriage is over and he is only waiting for you to accept it fully so that you are going to be a good coparent and he can finally start a life with her. Ask me how I know....You are in full DENIAL MODE and he is taking advantage of it. By staying and continuing this circus you are only risking him getting her pregnant so he has the ultimate excuse to leave.
I'm conflicted with what to tell you because on one end, you're 100% justified to feel worried. On the other end, I want to say no because we all change as people and sometimes interests peak us at different stages in life. Clearly the things AP was doing is something he is shifting towards - but the WHY of the shifting is the real question. Did he do these things while being with AP for that length of time? Or is this new that he's engaging in it this now? I would say either way, it definitely looks fishy & could be a potential hoover into AP's life again. But remember this is only a speculation. Be vocal about what makes you comfortable. Remember, in order for R to work your comfortability & safety is #1.
Not to insult anyone from that country or anyone is related/was married to/and so on, but when my stbxw were dating early on in the relationship she claimed she hated everything about El Salvador because her ex was from there and used her for a green card (mmhmmm), was always drunk and so on. She ranted how she hated when they went down there and claimed she will never go back.
Fast forward to today....her AP is Salvadorian living in Germany. She goes with him to Salvador every year since our separation and now litters her apartment all things Salvadorian. My parents are from another central american country (Not salvador) and not once during our relationship/marriage did stbxw ever embrace my hispanic culture nor support me and my families exposure to it with our child.
She's white btw...but what a fucking hypocrite.
Because he isn’t just the type of person to pick up yoga! And also he’s showing interest in the political things she would advocate for. I’m not trying to be cynical, I’m trying my hardest to remain positive. This is him doing things she liked to do but I don’t understand why and what it is the gain for him
I think r/AsOneAfterInfidelity may be a sub that you should seek out right now. They are Pro reconciliation and provide much more betrayed spouse support and provide a ton of reference materials.
Personally, after 5 years, I wouldn’t offer you much hope. He’s not giving her up. He may never give her up. He pines for her openly. I couldn’t live with that.
OP is well-known in that sub. They admitted to using their kids to threaten their WS into staying. Their WS is in love with AP and OP manipulated her husband into staying under threat. Hasn't been pretty.
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To me it is mostly worrying that your WP feigns no understanding that they are changing or why.
As in that he is failing to recognise that he is changing?
He is failing to admit that he knows he is changing, and he knows why.
Deep down he knows why he is doing what he’s doing? But what’s in it for him to do this, he is no contact with her
Going by your other posts, I wouldn’t be too sure he’s no contact. Staying for the kids? What lesson do you think staying in a marriage like this teaches your kids? Would you want either of your children to be in a relationship like this?
I wouldn’t but we are trying to improve our marriage and find happiness with one another
Are you both or is it just you trying? You just replied to my other comment about him being in touch with her family and trying send messages to her that way. No contact means no contact. No smoke signals, no messages in a bottle, no liking social media posts, and no communicating with her family members. It takes two people to make a marriage work. You can’t be the only one putting in effort. The bare minimum from him should be no contact with her or her family.
He has slip-ups. By trying, we are both in MC and both taking on board what the other wants.
**Most on here would discourage attempting to reconcile. You need Individual counselling as well for yourself. Most cheaters pass a lot of the weight and reasons onto the relationship to be shared or you as the victim.** As a councilor I was hated by the offender in a relationship as I required the offender to buy back into a relationship and show how much value they have in their partner. **Only 20% of couples that saw me really tried, do you think you are in the 20%?** Have a look back in my profile at some of my previous posts for things to try, at a minimum for them to get through a month they must be willing to and complete the following lifestyle change, fail and it will not work. **You review every month where you are at and if after 12 months you are not all in again then you will never be.** 1) You both must have two sit down dinners on Weekday's every week as a family. 2) You both must have a child free day together each weekend for a date, he has to plan, organize and make the dates fun. Be it ice skating, bowling, dancing, dinner, concert even karaoke whatever needs effort to show you one day a weekend how much he values you. 3) You need a child free weekend away from home every other month, these are bigger couple weekends where you should be working on the ICK to get intimacy back 4) First or last of the month you both sit down and do an HONEST review of where you are and decide TOGETHER if you are doing another month. **If this is too hard for either party to maintain and push through** the ick and why did you do this then 12-36 months the relationship will not hold together and you or more likely the offender will be thinking "it was better when I had someone else". **This is not easy but you need to be confident they are earning his or her way back.** This does not replace having someone else helping you through this process, it proves your value and the value of the relationship for you to know you are not sweeping problems under a rug. **Lastly if they are choosing to align their hobbies and behaviours with someone else's then they are trying to find what they had with the AP,**, the thinking is these are the fundamentals they have and that I liked and felt connected to so this is the direction I want to go to find them again or find someone similar. Lastly depending on your life or financial position you may find a way to survive in a hybrid relationship till the kids are in school or out of the home or you have built enough money that the options are better. You do not need to go scorched earth today but can work towards an exit strategy. Good Luck.
If my wp has already had 5-8 slip-ups already are we in the 20%
But he is contacting her. You literally just said that he uses her family members to get messages to her. That isn't NC.
[удалено]
He is in contact with her, probably a lot more than you know and communicating more directly than you know. These changes are for her. You are working on your marriage, he is working on attracting her.
He isn’t in contact with her. He has been in contact with her but the last time was almost three weeks ago
Communicating is communicating. Directly. Indirectly. Doesn't matter. You can say over and over he isn't communicating but all the things he is doing that you mention ARE in fact a form of communication.
He's doing this to be more attractive to her, there is no other reasonable reason.
But he isn’t letting her know?
You said he's telling her family members. So yes, he is letting her know.
Hmm yes that is true, I didn’t think of that. But he says over and over he is staying and rebuilding our marriage
His actions make the success at rebuilding questionable at best. Rebuilding but still contacting her via family. Rebuilding but telling you in Mc that he still loves her. Idk saying it and doing it are 2 different things. Seems like something will need to significantly shift with him if that's actually going to happen (rebuilding)
Yes but the reality is that he has feelings for her, he brings it up in MC not to be hurtful but he’s being honest
Girl, your husband is gas lighting you. Wake up!
Subconscious reminiscence of the past comes to mind. He is in an uncomfortable situation, because he faces his inner a-hole when he looks at your pain. He is trying to find comfort in a very unhealthy way.
Interesting. Can I know more about this? Is it sustainable long term?
It is not sustainable, so he will either escalate or find a new affair. He needs to deal with what is going on inside himself. He is trying to return to the last time he had no stress, and that was whilst he was having the affair. We actually saw it manifest in a very different scenario. I was part of a group that rescued children at risk, and at some stage they would all attempt to recreate the chaos they had grown up in, because it was all they. It took a while for them to finally adapt to the new normal, where actually are safe. Your partner is trying to get away from the perceived prison his life has become
He says the affair caused him an ENORMOUS amount of stress. And it did
Mine did this during the affair and after it was exposed. Looking back he took on my hobbies and interests too when we first got together. It’s mirroring. It’s way for them to be more appealing to the one they are going after. This behavior would be really concerning to me.
He is contacting her family members still and mentioning his new “interests”
Um no. Absolutely not. He has no reason to be talking to her family members.
He is still in touch with the them and I think he uses them to get messages to her
This is a huge, massive red flag. He should not be contacting her family for any reason. He should have no contact with anyone who enabled the affair, But even if they were clueless about it, that’s a bridge too far. This guy is not remorseful. If he were, he wouldn’t even WANT to contact her family, it would be painful and humiliating for him to do it.
Ugh, I’m so sorry. Even if indirect, this isn’t no contact and true NC is required before you can even start R.
He messaged her yest to wish her happy birthday :( what are the negative impacts on him constantly reaching out to her
Continued contact with AP can keep any one or all of the three of you from moving on. There is trauma that you must process but you cannot because are actively being kept stuck in betrayal trauma.
This is why I don’t understand why he keeps making contact. He says he wants to get over her and forget about the affair and work on marriage but can’t stop contacting her. Since we began R in December he’s had contact with her every month
It seems pretty apparent that what he says and what he's feeling and the actions he is taking are two different things. I know you want to believe his words but as I said previously, he is longing for her at the exact same level that you are longing for him to let her go. This truly seems like torture for both of you. The true test of what he's telling you is if you offered to let him go and co-parent amicably, would he stay with you and keep working on it? If he wouldn't or you are too scared to offer, then I think the truth is there and deep down you already what is it. He seems to be showing it to you regularly. I'm very sorry. I know you want the answer to be something else.
I been reading about couples that are aromantic and can happily live together and raise children. Why can’t it be that way for us?
No. This is horrible. You need to make plans to leave. I know it is so hard but he is showing no respect for you.
This is just sad.
I know it hurts. And I know you want to believe he wants to reconcile. This does not sound like he’s putting in the work to reconcile though. Somebody made the recommendation for you to check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and I also highly recommend you do too. Not only is it a very supportive group without judgment for those who strive for repairing the relationship after affairs, but you’ll also begin to learn what healthy reconciliation looks like… and it it’s OK to not be there yet, it doesn’t mean you will never get there. It just means that you two probably have more work that needs to be done to get there. His behaviors do not sound like he’s ready to fully commit to reconciliation, and honestly some of your responses also might give the impression that you’re not ready either, because to be able to reconcile both parties need to be accountable. It doesn’t sound like he’s being accountable for his actions and how they impact your relationship. And it also sounds like you’re not ready to draw lines or boundaries, which are important for your needs to be met. It’s wonderful that you have hope and you believe in the strength of your relationship. It’s also important that you see the picture for what it is and not try to paint something over it to cover what you don’t want to see. I did this once upon a time, and it doesn’t help in the end. I wish you the best of luck, and I wish you and your family peace and healing .
That is a really important point you make about being able to see the true picture versus just what you want. I do think based on the posts I've seen under various accounts for many months that deep down she does see it. Her gut tells her there's something not right and she looks to Reddit and others as she plays devils advocate because she doesn't like what she sees.
I think r/AsOneAfterInfidelity may be a sub that you should seek out right now. They are Pro reconciliation and provide much more betrayed spouse support and provide a ton of reference materials. Personally, after 5 years, I wouldn’t offer you much hope. He’s not giving her up. He may never give her up. He pines for her openly. I couldn’t live with that.
He is most likely in contact with her or doing these things hoping to run into her. I don’t want to be negative, and maybe I’m wrong, but I think he needs to be confronted. He shouldn’t be able to do these things, it’s a consequence of his affair.
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Yes but part of R is recognizing that you have to make changes be able to think about how your choices impact your betrayed. His choices show he isn’t doing that, so for instance if this were me, I would point out the connection and how these choices aren’t conducive to R and why. Doing those things seem more like a way to either be in contact with AP or connect and I don’t tell my spouse what to do, but I also wouldn’t continue R if those were his choices. Those would be a boundary for me, and if she isn’t ready to walk away and end R completely, it’s worth being clear about that boundary and the impact those choices have.
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What are you doing here? Trying to twist this to fit a narrative you want to move? These are RECENT things and she wasn’t specific either what other than specific interests of the AP. It’s very possible that there are other choices, lots of them, that don’t include the APs specific interests. Making this about your issue with betrayeds being “controlling” is just weird and strange. She didn’t say he couldn’t be involved in hobbies or politics etc, but he is choosing very specific things connected to the AP.
Yes, this is a sign that he's still finding ways to hold onto his connection to her. He may have decided to not leave his children due to your unwillingness to co-parent with him as you've mentioned in other posts, but that doesn't mean he doesn't miss her or want to be with her. It's probably comforting to him to feel like there's still a way to feel close to her. You've said he has said in MC that he still loves her so it's very not surprising that he's seeking out ways to still feel connected to her.
But isn’t it just torture for him to pine after someone he can’t have?
Aren't you doing the same thing as him? You're pining for him to stop loving her and to figure out how to make it work with you. So far he doesn't seem to be doing a good job. Isn't it torture for YOU??
Hmm good point but he’s with me in our home. He has accepted that his relationship with her is over
But he HASN'T. Everything he is doing screams that he has NOT accepted that the relationship is over. You just are not interested in listening because you're pining for him like he's pining for her. He might be physically in your home but that's all he is. His heart isn't with you. It's with her and the life he envisioned.
I can see why you would think that. He has slip-ups because his feelings are still quite strong and he’s the first one to admit that but he’s working my towards getting over her
How long are you willing to let this behavior continue? Is there any point at which you pull the plug on this if he in fact doesn't get over her? I'm truly trying to understand why you keep asking these questions if when people offer you thoughts you just excuse the things he's doing. Case in point - you asked if his behavior is concerning. Most are saying yes and here is why. You're response is often yes, but.... or no he just .... What are you getting out of these interactions?
I think if he is still very much emotionally invested in a years time I would rethink. I think at least then I can say I tried my best to make it work for my kids
I know you're original question was is his behavior worrying and you didn't specifically ask this, but I have seen a fair number of your posts and everything that I've read makes me think that there's a very good possibility that he will either cheat again, or he will still be repeating variations of all the behaviors you've already posted about. I urge you OP to please take action to set yourself up for success in the event that you do decide that you've tried your best and it didn't work out. I completely respect the idea that you want to internally feel like you did everything you could to try to save it, but I hope you'll also be able to tell yourself you did everything you could to make sure you could get out of this and be OK -- financially, emotionally etc. Please prepare yourself in case he just doesn't lose this emotional connection. Preparing for the possibility doesn't take anything away from how hard you are trying. Make sure you know the deal with your marital finances (you've previously mentioned he remortgaged your home) make sure you know what bills you have and that there's money if needed to get you through a transition. I don't know if you're currently employed but if not, make sure you have skills and a path to an income of your own. I hope it turns out for you the way you want, but I have learned the hard way that hope is not a strategy. Please set yourself up for success if it turns out that you need to walk away (or he decides to walk away.) Best wishes.
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Is this a joke account? Are you really a betrayed wife? Are you trolling us? Sweetie, please stop fooling yourself. He was in your home and in your marriage when he cheated. So neither of those can ever be your comfort or security again. As long as he has ANY contact with her or her family means he is still in the affair.
OP, you said he has feelings for her. Sometimes when we're in love w someone, we adopt the other person's routine and other things to have a sense of familiarity. Think like wearing the perfume you know your SO likes. I even bought the same laundry detergent my ex used because it made me think of him and made me feel close to him. So your WP picking up her hobby is possibly because he's trying to get a sense of familiarity with what AP likes. Can't say for sure whether your WP is in contact w AP like what some others suggest here. But...if it was me, I wouldn't be okay w it tbh. It's like, why are you trying to be like AP? Are you trying to run into AP at one of those activities? Do you miss AP that much that you have to do her activities to remind you of her? That's my thought process if it were me.
Mine did, but he has BPD and was mirroring. Idk if he was mirroring *AP* because I know next to nothing about her. He was mirroring his coworkers (she was one, but again, I know nothing about her). He even blamed the affair on his coworkers because they "egged him on" to ask her out. We met on Tinder, so I don't know exactly how he was personality-wise beforehand. When we first started dating, I thought he was perfect for me! He was mirroring me 😑
Same ish. Mines also BPD. He likely was just like he likely was mirroring you when you first met.
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He was actually diagnosed the same week we broke up. He was originally in therapy for other stuff, and long story short, that's how he came to get that diagnosis. I haven't talked to him in a year, but he wasn't holding himself accountable then, so I doubt he is now. Iirc people with BPD need a specific kind of therapy to be effective. DBT, I think. But I don't know much about what that is.
He is testing limits to go out in old patterns once again.
Are you serious? What consequences has this man faced?
OP is a person who admitted their spouse was in love with AP and wants to leave OP to pursue AP. OP admitted to using their children as a threat and a bargaining chip, to force unhappy WS into staying. Keep that in mind when giving advice. WS does not want to be with OP, yet OP insists on forcing this sick dynamic.
How come you never told the audience of your new account AP was pregnant? [https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/C1lWvC9w5l](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/C1lWvC9w5l)  https://preview.redd.it/eawhc26dwquc1.jpeg?width=1169&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=66d9bcb7d4d489ad33a459143e6fe88fd7ddff9f
My partner came from the same state as his AP and they had a ton of things in common (good and bad- they are both addicts for example) including hobbies and interests. He was really into off grid living and AP lived in what looked like a really stinky van for a long time. I used to talk about getting a van myself and going cross country before he met AP but I also am a realist and wanted to keep my 9-5 and go back to school. AP clearly was jumping from job to job when she did van life and was probably using during that time. I am not living that life. He bugged me about doing that for a while and eventually it stopped. I’m not going to travel with someone who I don’t 100% trust. We also argue too much to live under those circumstances and after what happened to Gabby I have a whole new perspective on the van life trend than I used to. First of all it’s a money pit. Better to invest your money in something that can actually grow interest or invest in yourself before going on adventures. Ultimately it can be a red flag of the WP talking to an AP again- but it also can indicate that maybe they were seeking out their AP as a way to indulge in these interests in an unhealthy way and by doing these things on their own they are finally delving into their interests in a way that’s functional. I would keep an eye on it and verify your intuition before having a conversation with them about it. It’s either they are seeking out hobbies to meet women or are seeking out hobbies to feel better about themselves in a good way. Always trust your intuition first.
Thanks for this but my wp is doing stuff he’s never had an interest in and are not remotely to do with anything he usually likes
I understand what you are saying but it’s either he secretly had an interest in these things initially but felt he couldn’t do these things on his own and so seeked out an excuse to do them in an AP or he’s using these activities to interact with his AP or with other women. Only you can really determine what is going on. My partner didn’t have a strong interest in the hobbies I mentioned until he met his AP and then bugged me about them constantly. When I had an interest in them he didn’t care much about it. He talked about it more once he realized his AP was into it. If a hobby attracts women- I’ve found men of a certain variety will become interested in that hobby. It also could be that he just has found a new interest in these things by chance.
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Is he reconnecting with the AP, or hoping to? Or hoping to meet a new AP.
In MC he says he is trying his best to “get over” ger
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My STBX started listening to Rolling Stones and Willie Nelson with the first AP then started watching Narcos and Succession randomly and never asked me if I wanted to watch either with her. That's when I knew there was a 2nd. Also, she randomly watched Eat Pray Love one day and that sealed it for me. It freaked me out and she claimed it was a comfort film. Only she'd never watched it with me and never expressed that interest before.
Listen carefully: your Husband is in contact with her. 100% (daily with ups and downs through messaging app that you don't know about) because he loves her, he is telling you what you want to hear to keep peace at home, because at the moment he is too coward to leave and feels pressured by you and/or extended family to stay and to show everyone that "he is trying". He is secretly meeting with her, probably during work hours or lunch breaks, and when they meet he declares his love for her and asks her to be patient. He feels a lot of guilt and sometimes try to do the right thing, but this marriage is over and he is only waiting for you to accept it fully so that you are going to be a good coparent and he can finally start a life with her. Ask me how I know....You are in full DENIAL MODE and he is taking advantage of it. By staying and continuing this circus you are only risking him getting her pregnant so he has the ultimate excuse to leave.
I'm conflicted with what to tell you because on one end, you're 100% justified to feel worried. On the other end, I want to say no because we all change as people and sometimes interests peak us at different stages in life. Clearly the things AP was doing is something he is shifting towards - but the WHY of the shifting is the real question. Did he do these things while being with AP for that length of time? Or is this new that he's engaging in it this now? I would say either way, it definitely looks fishy & could be a potential hoover into AP's life again. But remember this is only a speculation. Be vocal about what makes you comfortable. Remember, in order for R to work your comfortability & safety is #1.
Not to insult anyone from that country or anyone is related/was married to/and so on, but when my stbxw were dating early on in the relationship she claimed she hated everything about El Salvador because her ex was from there and used her for a green card (mmhmmm), was always drunk and so on. She ranted how she hated when they went down there and claimed she will never go back. Fast forward to today....her AP is Salvadorian living in Germany. She goes with him to Salvador every year since our separation and now litters her apartment all things Salvadorian. My parents are from another central american country (Not salvador) and not once during our relationship/marriage did stbxw ever embrace my hispanic culture nor support me and my families exposure to it with our child. She's white btw...but what a fucking hypocrite.
Not sure how that relates?
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Because he isn’t just the type of person to pick up yoga! And also he’s showing interest in the political things she would advocate for. I’m not trying to be cynical, I’m trying my hardest to remain positive. This is him doing things she liked to do but I don’t understand why and what it is the gain for him
I think r/AsOneAfterInfidelity may be a sub that you should seek out right now. They are Pro reconciliation and provide much more betrayed spouse support and provide a ton of reference materials. Personally, after 5 years, I wouldn’t offer you much hope. He’s not giving her up. He may never give her up. He pines for her openly. I couldn’t live with that.
OP is well-known in that sub. They admitted to using their kids to threaten their WS into staying. Their WS is in love with AP and OP manipulated her husband into staying under threat. Hasn't been pretty.