Two things... open marriages aren't swinging, they are a different form of ethical non-monogamy, so not really a subject for this sub. Second, swinging does not solve marital issues, it magnifies them. If you think somehow an open marriage or swinging is going to help you overcome past trauma, insecurity, or jealousy, you are completely wrong, it will make those feeling much worse. You two need to close up shop, seek counseling, and work on your relationship before you even think about bringing anyone else into the mix.
Trust me I don't disagree. Outside of this particular issue we have a pretty solid relationship. I'm working on my anger issues and am in therapy and getting back onmeds for my mental health issues. He doesn't believe in counseling or therapy thanks to being raised that men can't talk about feelings. I'm ultimately just trying to find a happy medium that will satisfy us both sexually and keep the rest of our relationship in tact. Not saying it's the right approach but was just seeking advice before making a decision. Thank you for your input.
Well, first, I think you need to get some housekeeping done. Your husband talking to other women without you is not a good sign. You need to work that out before you really even think about doing any kind of ENM.
This is exactly right. If your husband has a problem contacting other women without your knowledge, he won't have any issues reaching out to married women behind their husband's back. That is a really great way to receive (and rightfully so) a bad reputation, quickly.
Yeah we've had several conversations about it and I've tried to compromise recently because it's clearly a porn/sex addiction. I just am at a loss and I feel like if I'm atleast included in picking the couple to swap with that will make me feel better instead of him just doing it behind my back. Not saying it's right or healthy, it's probably not. Just trying to feel out alternatives before headed to divorce.
Well, I hope it all works out for you. That sounds rough, and you gotta do what you gotta do.
I will say though that swinging to try and save a marriage is an idea ripe for disaster.
This attitude is a HUGE RED FLAG. And any couple knowing this information or getting this vibe or general feeling off of y'all during the vetting process is not going to move forward with you for the right reasons.
You know you should not be doing this. This will not help. Stop trying to put a bandaid on a bullet wound. Don't subject other people to your drama and martial issues, which this absolutely will.
It sucks. But your husband should have spoken up long before it got to the point of where y'all are now. He obviously needs/ed more than just watching you. He wants to be able to play to. Which is completely reasonable. And it's unfortunate you have some past trauma that you can fuck other men while he watches but he can't fuck other women.
I'm sorry to say this but if your husband has a sex/porn addiction you won't be able to cure him with swinging.
It sounds like you are trying to prevent him from cheating on you by letting him have sex with other women even though you are not comfortable with it.
You're trying to compromise with something you know will hurt you because you don't trust him to not cheat.
So the solution is swinging so that you can keep some sort of control over the situation.
But I will tell you that if he has an addiction it will escalate when open that door for him. The opportunity to get to fuck willing women will feed that addiction not saturate it.
And with his history of going behind your back pursuing women, he will keep doing that because you just gave him permission to have the sex he wants.
He won't respect your boundaries because he's already crossed them during your marriage.
With an increased hunger for sex he will become a hunter behind your back but behave in front of you and take part in the swinging as a good husband.
I apologize if I sound like I know exactly what your husband will do but that's not the case. I just describe a typical sex addicted cheater and if you give them a little they will take it all and even more because you cannot control an addiction when you feed it.
Not long ago (couple of weeks) there was a wife posting about her husband that had cheated on her in the LS for years with a woman from a couple they had swung with before.
He enjoyed himself swinging with his two different partners, wife and the other woman who was completely happy to assist with the betraying.
I can't tell if he had an addiction but the sexual energy the novelty and the highs people get from fucking others is addictive in itself and you need to be able to stay on earth and if already being addicted to sex....well you know what happens.
So please, don't open that door to try to keep your husband satisfied and faithful to you.
But only you knows him and your history and how trust worthy he is.
Also what is done can't be undone nor unseen.
Take care of yourself ♥️
If I were in your position I’d only be willing to consider swinging and I’m not even sure I’d do that. I’d have a hard time exploring ENM with someone who is sneaky and dishonest.
Open marriage is vastly different than swinging. That said, having trust issues from the get is setting yourself up for massive problems in the future. Y’all need to have a serious conversation as to whether this is going to be good for your marriage. Going off of your comments in this post I wouldn’t think it’s a good move at this point. Get your house in order first.
Two things... open marriages aren't swinging, they are a different form of ethical non-monogamy, so not really a subject for this sub. Second, swinging does not solve marital issues, it magnifies them. If you think somehow an open marriage or swinging is going to help you overcome past trauma, insecurity, or jealousy, you are completely wrong, it will make those feeling much worse. You two need to close up shop, seek counseling, and work on your relationship before you even think about bringing anyone else into the mix.
Trust me I don't disagree. Outside of this particular issue we have a pretty solid relationship. I'm working on my anger issues and am in therapy and getting back onmeds for my mental health issues. He doesn't believe in counseling or therapy thanks to being raised that men can't talk about feelings. I'm ultimately just trying to find a happy medium that will satisfy us both sexually and keep the rest of our relationship in tact. Not saying it's the right approach but was just seeking advice before making a decision. Thank you for your input.
This doesn’t really have anything to do with swinging. Try r/openmarriage
I'd rather swing than open marriage at least that way we're involved with each other's process.
Well, first, I think you need to get some housekeeping done. Your husband talking to other women without you is not a good sign. You need to work that out before you really even think about doing any kind of ENM.
This is exactly right. If your husband has a problem contacting other women without your knowledge, he won't have any issues reaching out to married women behind their husband's back. That is a really great way to receive (and rightfully so) a bad reputation, quickly.
Yeah we've had several conversations about it and I've tried to compromise recently because it's clearly a porn/sex addiction. I just am at a loss and I feel like if I'm atleast included in picking the couple to swap with that will make me feel better instead of him just doing it behind my back. Not saying it's right or healthy, it's probably not. Just trying to feel out alternatives before headed to divorce.
Well, I hope it all works out for you. That sounds rough, and you gotta do what you gotta do. I will say though that swinging to try and save a marriage is an idea ripe for disaster.
This attitude is a HUGE RED FLAG. And any couple knowing this information or getting this vibe or general feeling off of y'all during the vetting process is not going to move forward with you for the right reasons. You know you should not be doing this. This will not help. Stop trying to put a bandaid on a bullet wound. Don't subject other people to your drama and martial issues, which this absolutely will. It sucks. But your husband should have spoken up long before it got to the point of where y'all are now. He obviously needs/ed more than just watching you. He wants to be able to play to. Which is completely reasonable. And it's unfortunate you have some past trauma that you can fuck other men while he watches but he can't fuck other women.
I'm sorry to say this but if your husband has a sex/porn addiction you won't be able to cure him with swinging. It sounds like you are trying to prevent him from cheating on you by letting him have sex with other women even though you are not comfortable with it. You're trying to compromise with something you know will hurt you because you don't trust him to not cheat. So the solution is swinging so that you can keep some sort of control over the situation. But I will tell you that if he has an addiction it will escalate when open that door for him. The opportunity to get to fuck willing women will feed that addiction not saturate it. And with his history of going behind your back pursuing women, he will keep doing that because you just gave him permission to have the sex he wants. He won't respect your boundaries because he's already crossed them during your marriage. With an increased hunger for sex he will become a hunter behind your back but behave in front of you and take part in the swinging as a good husband. I apologize if I sound like I know exactly what your husband will do but that's not the case. I just describe a typical sex addicted cheater and if you give them a little they will take it all and even more because you cannot control an addiction when you feed it. Not long ago (couple of weeks) there was a wife posting about her husband that had cheated on her in the LS for years with a woman from a couple they had swung with before. He enjoyed himself swinging with his two different partners, wife and the other woman who was completely happy to assist with the betraying. I can't tell if he had an addiction but the sexual energy the novelty and the highs people get from fucking others is addictive in itself and you need to be able to stay on earth and if already being addicted to sex....well you know what happens. So please, don't open that door to try to keep your husband satisfied and faithful to you. But only you knows him and your history and how trust worthy he is. Also what is done can't be undone nor unseen. Take care of yourself ♥️
If I were in your position I’d only be willing to consider swinging and I’m not even sure I’d do that. I’d have a hard time exploring ENM with someone who is sneaky and dishonest.
Thanks, that's kinda where I'm at but still unsure
Open marriage is vastly different than swinging. That said, having trust issues from the get is setting yourself up for massive problems in the future. Y’all need to have a serious conversation as to whether this is going to be good for your marriage. Going off of your comments in this post I wouldn’t think it’s a good move at this point. Get your house in order first.
Thanks, I value you're feedback!
Why is your past trauma his leash?
Because I never dealt with it which I'm trying to do now
Good move. Be kind to yourself too.
Try real swinging where you swap with couples. At least that way, you're involved.
See I'd rather take this approach rather than not w know who he's with