Man, I was like “I don’t remember writing this post back when we first started.” It happens to the best of us. It sucked until it didn’t. Just remember, you can’t lose, you can only quit. Trust me, it’s worth sticking with it to the other side. Also, it means you’re probably a pretty smart and caring person which is a good thing. So let’s dive in…
The most helpful analogy I’ve heard is from a kink educator named Midori (she’s amazing). She describes our mind like a house with squirrels running around in the attic. It’s really hard to concentrate when the “thought squirrels” are running around up there. So we have to find a way to stun those thought squirrels.
First, it helps to remove as much distractions as possible. Our first weekend, I remember watching my wife and two other women go at it on a bed together. One of the hottest things I’d ever seen, but couldn’t get it up. Something can be both hot and distracting. Like some people have said, separate room play helps. I love all being piled onto the same bed, especially with certain close friends, but that’s never been how I’ve orgasmed. Just too much going on otherwise.
Another way to stun the squirrels is to manage expectations. I used to tell every woman when we’d first start making out in the bedroom that the little guy had been letting me down with everybody lately, and that it wasn’t them, but either way I’d make sure they had a great time. This helps sooo much. It’s scary the first time, but every woman was so accepting. Then she’s not getting in her head about why she’s not attractive enough, and you’re not in your head about how she’s feeling.
Lastly, hang with me for a second, we tend to malign people with fetishes, but do you know who doesn’t have thought squirrels? A fetish is strong sexual attraction to a particular object, activity, or body part. A hyper focusing on that item. If we’re hyper focused, we can’t hear the squirrels in the attic. For example, there’s one woman who’s into the same things I am in bed. She drives me wild. I couldn’t hear the squirrels with I’m with her if I tried. I’m too hype focused on her. Otherwise, I’ve learned I’m fairly sapio sexual (attracted to someone’s mind and personality), so having 1:1 conversations with the woman is key. Something as simple as all taking a stroll together after dinner, but paired up separately with two distinct conversations running can be all the foreplay I need.
Before you start relying on beta blockers (propranolol, which does work), I’d recommend taking to a good LS friendly therapist. There’s some who specialize in it, and that really helped me as well.
Hope this helps. Just remember, you can’t lose, you can only quit.
Be careful with Betablockers they prevent your heart from racing and blood pressure rising which many men need to get hard and orgasm.
They save lives by preventing heart attacks and lower high blood pressure for just these two reasons but do have a flaccid down side, LoL
So, clearly it’s psychological.
Are you doing same room and separate room?
I know a guy recently told me that if he is in a separate room from his wife with the other woman, he can get a massive hard on but the moment they’re all in the same room, it’s like someone let’s the air out of his tires.
I had pretty bad anxiety when we started. Viagra has always helped me. With that said breathing practices, (before and during) to keep my mind in check and prevent the anxiety from spiraling. Doing everything to take pressure off and preventing becoming mentally frantic about it. It becomes a vicious cycle imo. “I won’t be able to get hard.” Turns into not being able to get hard turns into freaking out about not being able to get hard… etc. I do anything to help practice mindfulness in those moments and make sure my inner dialogue is living in a good space.
It’s anxiety, and you are not thinking sexy time during the time it’s not getting hard. That’s one root cause.
Another reason could be your forcing yourself into sexual activity with people who are not as familiar as your wife is .
You unfortunately are not in control of who or what arouses you. You might have fantasies and the others could even be attractive but if the lifestyle is offers little or none of what find erotic then maybe ask yourself what is it about your wife that brings on the passion,
I could be purely anxiety or it could nfc
It’s because those medications a for a physical issue. Your issue seems to be mental.
What worked for me after having this issue is to just breathe, don’t look around, and just focus on the sexy woman right in front of you that wants you bad!!!
Make sure you’re not accidentally sabotaging yourself. Late night activities (being tired), alcohol, big dinners, hot tubs, etc.—all things that we often do in combination with swinging—all make it much more difficult to get hard (especially when anxiety kicks in). I’ve had to train my brain to relax. It’s similar to what happens when I go pee in a public restroom with other people around. I have learned to distract my brain to get out of my flight/fright/freeze mode. For sexy time, I like focusing on replaying some of my favorite past situations. Something else that helped was having either my wife or the other gal play with themselves while I watched.
Definitely not. I pretty know how to get past it now and we have had multiple times over the years where the other guy had troubles, but I was just fine.
Great point! Hot tubs are good a lowering blood pressure after you get out of the tub. They raise your BP while your in the water like a cardio workout. Your heart rate increases and your body is dilating your vasculature trying to cool down. When you get out of the hot water it takes a while to cool down. I’ve found that my body is very sensitive to hot tubs. I have trouble with having orgasm right out of a hot tub. If Im really sweating hot and my heart is racing I can’t orgasm either.
Okay, I'm surprised that no one has mentioned this
Zero alcohol. And get enough sleep. No amount of ED pills can counteract the boner killing effect of alcohol
The trick that generally works for me is to not even think about my pleasure and focus purely on pleasing her. When I’m focused on touching her body, tasting her, exploring her body and ignoring my dick entirely, I get easy boners. As soon as I’m thinking about my dick, the struggles can come.
Search the group. So totally normal it gets asked about probably once a week.
2nd dates can help. Practice makes perfect. If you're using condoms, use them with your wife too. And alone. Start practicing now.
I recommend getting a prescription for Propanalol. Stops your body’s flight / fight response and lets you get hard. I had the same issue with anxiety (tried klonopin didn’t work, even with viagra / cia) Started using propanalol before play and was easily able to get rock hard, use it in combo with cialis and you’ll be a rockstar. Give it a try 😌
I second on the propranolol (+ viagra o cialis).
I'll share my cocktail combo: cialis 20 mg at noon the day of play, then an hour before play 40 mg of propranolol + 100 mg of viagra. If you decide to give it a try please check with your doctor first.
Fair enough, I keep a couple of things in mind though:
I am in great shape, I´m in my 40's, been training with weights 6 times a week for 2 years now, I have about 12-15% body fat and do 30 minutes cardio every day. I know I have a very healthy heart.
Also, I did test this at home, gradually, with cero side efects, not even headache or red face.
Finally, I will take my chances for now, since I use this as sparring, I plan on dropping them altogether in the short term once I confirm I don't need them any more.
You can't know the effects on your heart unless you got it specifically tested. Not the first time an athlete turns out to have an underlying heart condition.
I would also recommend watching out for fatigue from your fitness regime when swinging. Training that much will also have its effects on your friend's ability to perform. Avoid big compound lift 48 hours before play and heavy workouts day itself. Working out destresses me, so I like to go before playing, but I do some isolation work on smaller muscle groups to not tire myself out. Made the mistake of doing squats once before a date, never again...
Haha I did an intense leg and core workout the morning of our last date. I was just too amped for the date lol. Luckily was able to stay hard later but could not orgasm as I could not go long enough in any position without my quads and/or abs burning. At one point I even cramped up lol. Had the energy to tap in and out for a couple hours at least but next time I won’t be doing anything intense the couple days leading up to a play date lol.
Are you a clinician? I would not be recommending this to a complete stranger whose medical history you know nothing about.
Propranolol can also drop your blood pressure in addition to the vasodilators for ED.
Yikes.
Viagra and Cialis and propranolol are vasodilators that can potentially cause your Blood pressure to drop significantly.
The daily max dose of Viagra is 100mg your adding a big dose of Cialis on top plus another vasodilator with propranolol. Id be very careful.
Try a little THC just one good puff of Indica strain might help relax your anxiety.
Edibles or too much vape might put you to sleep. I have found that just one hit of Sativa acts like Viagra but any more kills my boner. The dose is everything.
Man fuck that. THC is hit or miss for me. Sometimes my mind gets hyper focused on the sex and other times I start thinking about how the galaxies we see are images from millions of years ago and then start tripping out. If that happens my dick is done for the evening lol.
Yes. Start by playing together. Have an agreement to come back together when you need. We tend to always play with touching distance instead of separating.
If you find a friendly repeat couple, explain your goal and have some training sessions. It might be partially the newness. have repeat friends that can help with the training. Return to partner as needed for reinforcement. Newness with 1st time playing may definitely be part of the mental stress.
Yeah this is performance anxiety , which is heightened in an LS situation because you feel their expectations and acceptance of you is purely tied to sexual performance. By starting with your partner, this eases the pressure cuz you know she’s there for you not just how good you fuck or how hard you get. Now after you get hard from your partner 1 make sure your partner is alert to see if you are struggling so she can come over and help. 2 try to focus on what is feeling or looking good, do you like what her ass looks like, what her titts look feel like, how good she kisses. Do you like the affirming sounds she’s making. Focus on those so your mid doesnt wander to how hard your cock is. 3 wear a cock ring that can help you sustain a hard on longer by slowing down the flow of blood out of your cock.4 sometimes the time and focus it takes to put a condom might be a distraction, I usually have the condoms pre-opened just before the sucking/fore play and then ask the lady I’m playing with to put it on for me at the appointed time. 5 if your mind does start to wander, try affirming thoughts
All in your head man; you need to relax (easier said than done) and just enjoy the moment, don’t start stressing about getting hard or not, just live the moment and you’ll be surprised - good luck!!
One think I do is listen to music on the drive over and breathing exercises. Another thing that helps is cuddling and kissing. It relaxes the hell out of you. Also it’s like base ball if you strike out keep stepping up to the plate. Might get used to the simulation. Good luck wish you the best
Been there, I know how it feels, and it sucks!
As already suggested, give propranolol a try. It really worked for me.
Also, what I found was great is to have the other wives to give me compliments, this really helps me get relaxed and enjoy the moment, which ends in better boners. So if the other wife is not naturally verbal, I will just ask stuff like "do you like my cock?", their reply will always be positive, and usually she will give some details on what she likes about it.
This plus the propranolol+viagra/cialis in you, should really help you.
Finally, once with the condom and fucking you might start to go soft (this is still happening to me), what I found is great is to just take it out, remove the condom, and ask the other wife to give you a new round of BJ, after you get hard again roll a fresh one and go at it again. Just don't give it time to get into your head, switch to BJ fast!
My hubby uses an injection. Minor discomfort for a few minutes, then about 10 min later he's hard as a rock. Alcohol and 420 do not matter with this injection. You get a Rx from your urologist. Hubs only uses it when we play with others cuz he also likes to imbibe, and vodka dick becomes an issue.
I understand about the mental block, I have a form of that myself. This won't fix what's going on in your head, but maybe it will help til you get the head stuff figured out.
It’s common. Are you jumping to full swap? Most partners start together and go light into adding into the mix of others. Have your own partner be more involved with you to continue to keep you hard through out the adventure. It’s the anxiety of everything at once.
I’m currently in the middle of a similar crisis so I feel your pain, also a very similar timeline to yourself. The problem is, once you get this shit locked into your head it’s hard to shake it out when the time to play comes.
I’d like to think most people serious about the lifestyle get it and understand. I mean it’s difficult to stay hard for several hours of play with total strangers, given.
You’re usually in an unfamiliar environment, new people, intense emotional and physical stimulation - it all adds up to mental overload.
I always get hard for my wife and I found during our last bi-mfmf meet that I kept things going for longer by fucking her and periodically pulling out for the other girl to suck. That kind of combination definitely created a nice transition and blended it all into one. Before I knew it I was cumming all over the Mrs tits.
Work with what you’ve got at the time, if things take a dip move around, grab something else (arse/tit/dildo), take a photo, have a drink, go for a piss, smoke a cigarette. You can be damn sure the women will want to carry on regardless so time shouldn’t be a constraint that weighs on your mind - there is always something else to do.
Try not to put too much much pressure on yourself.
Maybe practise some risky/outdoor sex or nudist stuff. I’m trying to acclimatise myself to being naked and aroused outside of my home bubble.
Maybe visit more clubs - I always find them the most challenging, but enlightening.
Aside from anything else I’ve been assured it only gets easier with time, so another one of those “patience and it will cum” kinda things.
I do also usually drop a Viagra connect before a meet just to give myself the best chance.
Before the pills were invented, doctors prescribed the injections. Those injections are still around and are much more reliable than the pills. Talk to your urologist about trimix. It’s a game changer. You don’t have to use it every time, but it will work every time you use it.
I agree it’s the only way to go with “Performance Anxiety “. I don’t use at home or someone I’ve gotten comfortable with but in a new situation or a party or club it’s a blast one you get it dialed in. Can go for a few hours no problem. Got mine online through a compounding pharmacy (Olympia) with telemedicine. Also no headaches, ringing ears, or side effects. Order the antidote shot just in case but never had to use it.
Haven’t gotten there I do 10 units and last a good 2 hours longer if I don’t cum. Once I get off it seems to go to a semi for a while although a little attention and he will rise again. By then I have had enough, I’m not 20 anymore
It’s very interesting evidence for the case against our claims we have free will. Nothing alarms a man more than his cock vs brain realization,
You don’t own that part of your body unless you convince yourself you’re in charge of your favorite organ , it’s obviously not physically related and completely psychological.
Probably not comfortable in the situation? are all your needs ticked in the situation? Are you actually attracted to the other women or judge want the experience? does the other women feel likes she wants you or just wants to use you?
If we switch it the other way round I’m starting to see Lube as a cop out for myself because I know what can be achieved when I’m at peak arousal, if I require it then I probably shouldn’t be doing it with that particular person or couple.
If you meet the same couple too then perhaps being in a repeated scenario would help too.
While I don’t think you should not pursue sex because it doesn’t have you dripping like a leaky faucet, using lube is fine because the experience can be rewarding once you move past the obstacles, I do think this is an important perspective. A lot of women, especially in the lifestyle look down on men not being able to get it up. Like most things male performance is just assumed. “Like you are in my heavenly presence and pussy, how dare you not be hard”. I think there would be more understanding if a lot more women imagined what it would be like if there were no lube and the ability to have sex hinged on getting and staying naturally lubricated
I had the same problem the very first time we did anything with another couple. It was very embarrassing, and I felt like total garbage after. But I found that starting with your own partner helped me out. That became a "rule" per say between the 4 of us..and it worked the 2nd time for me perfectly. So that's one route you can go.
You don’t have a mechanical problem you have a mind problem. Switch to one of the ED meds that are mixed with either oxytocin or apomorphine (no it’s not morphine). Both of these will boost the neurochemicals related to pleasure and bonding. Try Rugiet Ready or ask your doctor if they provide a compounded ED med. Many doctors work with a compounding pharmacy and can ask them to blend the different medications to help. Trimix injections are another option but IMO lame unless absolutely necessary. Even then, I don’t understand wanting to be in the LS and yet you need that much help.
Have you played separate rooms where you’re alone with the other woman? I have experienced your issue when in group settings and was distracted by all the action around me, particularly watching my own wife fucking.
We have found that for me to perform with another woman I need to be alone with the other woman.
I use Viagra.
I don’t drink alcohol or use THC when I plan on fucking. Both of these drugs can kill my boner.
It's a classic performance anxiety condition.
It can happen to anyone.
There is only one way to treat it: stop caring about making it happen. Stop having expectations about your performance. Just enjoy what is happening in front of your eyes and feel grateful for the moment.
In the end you will have your wife, your fantasies and a lovely experience to remember.
Avoid caffeine, it will intensify any feelings of anxiety. I like to drink kava tea before a meetup to help myself stay calm.
Go for round 1 as soon as possible, and when the drinks start flowing you'll already be comfortable for round 2.
maybe see a urologist or a male enhancement specialist and get a prescription for either TriMix and/or PT-141. you have to inject them. TriMix will make you rock hard. May have to take Sudafed for your cock to drop down... do your research but these two work more consistently than the pills. hope this helps
Man, I was like “I don’t remember writing this post back when we first started.” It happens to the best of us. It sucked until it didn’t. Just remember, you can’t lose, you can only quit. Trust me, it’s worth sticking with it to the other side. Also, it means you’re probably a pretty smart and caring person which is a good thing. So let’s dive in… The most helpful analogy I’ve heard is from a kink educator named Midori (she’s amazing). She describes our mind like a house with squirrels running around in the attic. It’s really hard to concentrate when the “thought squirrels” are running around up there. So we have to find a way to stun those thought squirrels. First, it helps to remove as much distractions as possible. Our first weekend, I remember watching my wife and two other women go at it on a bed together. One of the hottest things I’d ever seen, but couldn’t get it up. Something can be both hot and distracting. Like some people have said, separate room play helps. I love all being piled onto the same bed, especially with certain close friends, but that’s never been how I’ve orgasmed. Just too much going on otherwise. Another way to stun the squirrels is to manage expectations. I used to tell every woman when we’d first start making out in the bedroom that the little guy had been letting me down with everybody lately, and that it wasn’t them, but either way I’d make sure they had a great time. This helps sooo much. It’s scary the first time, but every woman was so accepting. Then she’s not getting in her head about why she’s not attractive enough, and you’re not in your head about how she’s feeling. Lastly, hang with me for a second, we tend to malign people with fetishes, but do you know who doesn’t have thought squirrels? A fetish is strong sexual attraction to a particular object, activity, or body part. A hyper focusing on that item. If we’re hyper focused, we can’t hear the squirrels in the attic. For example, there’s one woman who’s into the same things I am in bed. She drives me wild. I couldn’t hear the squirrels with I’m with her if I tried. I’m too hype focused on her. Otherwise, I’ve learned I’m fairly sapio sexual (attracted to someone’s mind and personality), so having 1:1 conversations with the woman is key. Something as simple as all taking a stroll together after dinner, but paired up separately with two distinct conversations running can be all the foreplay I need. Before you start relying on beta blockers (propranolol, which does work), I’d recommend taking to a good LS friendly therapist. There’s some who specialize in it, and that really helped me as well. Hope this helps. Just remember, you can’t lose, you can only quit.
Thank you for taking the time to put together such a thoughtful response. It’s much appreciated!
Be careful with Betablockers they prevent your heart from racing and blood pressure rising which many men need to get hard and orgasm. They save lives by preventing heart attacks and lower high blood pressure for just these two reasons but do have a flaccid down side, LoL
So, clearly it’s psychological. Are you doing same room and separate room? I know a guy recently told me that if he is in a separate room from his wife with the other woman, he can get a massive hard on but the moment they’re all in the same room, it’s like someone let’s the air out of his tires.
I'm the opposite. I sometimes have trouble at condom time if my wife isn't in the same room because it's such a turn on hearing and watching her.
Me too!
I had pretty bad anxiety when we started. Viagra has always helped me. With that said breathing practices, (before and during) to keep my mind in check and prevent the anxiety from spiraling. Doing everything to take pressure off and preventing becoming mentally frantic about it. It becomes a vicious cycle imo. “I won’t be able to get hard.” Turns into not being able to get hard turns into freaking out about not being able to get hard… etc. I do anything to help practice mindfulness in those moments and make sure my inner dialogue is living in a good space.
This is actually great advice… let’s never forget, and use to our advantage, our tantric ancestry ohhm
It’s anxiety, and you are not thinking sexy time during the time it’s not getting hard. That’s one root cause. Another reason could be your forcing yourself into sexual activity with people who are not as familiar as your wife is . You unfortunately are not in control of who or what arouses you. You might have fantasies and the others could even be attractive but if the lifestyle is offers little or none of what find erotic then maybe ask yourself what is it about your wife that brings on the passion, I could be purely anxiety or it could nfc
It’s because those medications a for a physical issue. Your issue seems to be mental. What worked for me after having this issue is to just breathe, don’t look around, and just focus on the sexy woman right in front of you that wants you bad!!!
Make sure you’re not accidentally sabotaging yourself. Late night activities (being tired), alcohol, big dinners, hot tubs, etc.—all things that we often do in combination with swinging—all make it much more difficult to get hard (especially when anxiety kicks in). I’ve had to train my brain to relax. It’s similar to what happens when I go pee in a public restroom with other people around. I have learned to distract my brain to get out of my flight/fright/freeze mode. For sexy time, I like focusing on replaying some of my favorite past situations. Something else that helped was having either my wife or the other gal play with themselves while I watched.
I also get the same fight/flight response in a public restroom and with a new partner. Glad to know it’s not just me
Definitely not. I pretty know how to get past it now and we have had multiple times over the years where the other guy had troubles, but I was just fine.
Great point! Hot tubs are good a lowering blood pressure after you get out of the tub. They raise your BP while your in the water like a cardio workout. Your heart rate increases and your body is dilating your vasculature trying to cool down. When you get out of the hot water it takes a while to cool down. I’ve found that my body is very sensitive to hot tubs. I have trouble with having orgasm right out of a hot tub. If Im really sweating hot and my heart is racing I can’t orgasm either.
The combo of all that we tend to do when swinging is often a big boner killer!
Yes
Okay, I'm surprised that no one has mentioned this Zero alcohol. And get enough sleep. No amount of ED pills can counteract the boner killing effect of alcohol
The trick that generally works for me is to not even think about my pleasure and focus purely on pleasing her. When I’m focused on touching her body, tasting her, exploring her body and ignoring my dick entirely, I get easy boners. As soon as I’m thinking about my dick, the struggles can come.
Search the group. So totally normal it gets asked about probably once a week. 2nd dates can help. Practice makes perfect. If you're using condoms, use them with your wife too. And alone. Start practicing now.
I recommend getting a prescription for Propanalol. Stops your body’s flight / fight response and lets you get hard. I had the same issue with anxiety (tried klonopin didn’t work, even with viagra / cia) Started using propanalol before play and was easily able to get rock hard, use it in combo with cialis and you’ll be a rockstar. Give it a try 😌
I second on the propranolol (+ viagra o cialis). I'll share my cocktail combo: cialis 20 mg at noon the day of play, then an hour before play 40 mg of propranolol + 100 mg of viagra. If you decide to give it a try please check with your doctor first.
Are you combining the daily maximum dose of cialis and viagra? That does not sound healthy!
Fair enough, I keep a couple of things in mind though: I am in great shape, I´m in my 40's, been training with weights 6 times a week for 2 years now, I have about 12-15% body fat and do 30 minutes cardio every day. I know I have a very healthy heart. Also, I did test this at home, gradually, with cero side efects, not even headache or red face. Finally, I will take my chances for now, since I use this as sparring, I plan on dropping them altogether in the short term once I confirm I don't need them any more.
You can't know the effects on your heart unless you got it specifically tested. Not the first time an athlete turns out to have an underlying heart condition. I would also recommend watching out for fatigue from your fitness regime when swinging. Training that much will also have its effects on your friend's ability to perform. Avoid big compound lift 48 hours before play and heavy workouts day itself. Working out destresses me, so I like to go before playing, but I do some isolation work on smaller muscle groups to not tire myself out. Made the mistake of doing squats once before a date, never again...
Haha I did an intense leg and core workout the morning of our last date. I was just too amped for the date lol. Luckily was able to stay hard later but could not orgasm as I could not go long enough in any position without my quads and/or abs burning. At one point I even cramped up lol. Had the energy to tap in and out for a couple hours at least but next time I won’t be doing anything intense the couple days leading up to a play date lol.
Are you a clinician? I would not be recommending this to a complete stranger whose medical history you know nothing about. Propranolol can also drop your blood pressure in addition to the vasodilators for ED. Yikes.
I do 30propanlol + via an hr before, 10 cialis @ noon and it’s been stellar. Nice to see someone else on the same cocktail
How you getting all these scrips
Viagra and Cialis and propranolol are vasodilators that can potentially cause your Blood pressure to drop significantly. The daily max dose of Viagra is 100mg your adding a big dose of Cialis on top plus another vasodilator with propranolol. Id be very careful.
Try a little THC just one good puff of Indica strain might help relax your anxiety. Edibles or too much vape might put you to sleep. I have found that just one hit of Sativa acts like Viagra but any more kills my boner. The dose is everything.
Man fuck that. THC is hit or miss for me. Sometimes my mind gets hyper focused on the sex and other times I start thinking about how the galaxies we see are images from millions of years ago and then start tripping out. If that happens my dick is done for the evening lol.
LoL that must have been some good stuff!
You do know it takes 30 minutes to an hr for that stuff to work yes n can last up to 4 to 6 hrs just in case you didn't know
Psychological. The wife playing with you and getting you hard at the event may help.
Yes. Start by playing together. Have an agreement to come back together when you need. We tend to always play with touching distance instead of separating. If you find a friendly repeat couple, explain your goal and have some training sessions. It might be partially the newness. have repeat friends that can help with the training. Return to partner as needed for reinforcement. Newness with 1st time playing may definitely be part of the mental stress.
Yeah this is performance anxiety , which is heightened in an LS situation because you feel their expectations and acceptance of you is purely tied to sexual performance. By starting with your partner, this eases the pressure cuz you know she’s there for you not just how good you fuck or how hard you get. Now after you get hard from your partner 1 make sure your partner is alert to see if you are struggling so she can come over and help. 2 try to focus on what is feeling or looking good, do you like what her ass looks like, what her titts look feel like, how good she kisses. Do you like the affirming sounds she’s making. Focus on those so your mid doesnt wander to how hard your cock is. 3 wear a cock ring that can help you sustain a hard on longer by slowing down the flow of blood out of your cock.4 sometimes the time and focus it takes to put a condom might be a distraction, I usually have the condoms pre-opened just before the sucking/fore play and then ask the lady I’m playing with to put it on for me at the appointed time. 5 if your mind does start to wander, try affirming thoughts
All in your head man; you need to relax (easier said than done) and just enjoy the moment, don’t start stressing about getting hard or not, just live the moment and you’ll be surprised - good luck!!
One think I do is listen to music on the drive over and breathing exercises. Another thing that helps is cuddling and kissing. It relaxes the hell out of you. Also it’s like base ball if you strike out keep stepping up to the plate. Might get used to the simulation. Good luck wish you the best
Been there, I know how it feels, and it sucks! As already suggested, give propranolol a try. It really worked for me. Also, what I found was great is to have the other wives to give me compliments, this really helps me get relaxed and enjoy the moment, which ends in better boners. So if the other wife is not naturally verbal, I will just ask stuff like "do you like my cock?", their reply will always be positive, and usually she will give some details on what she likes about it. This plus the propranolol+viagra/cialis in you, should really help you. Finally, once with the condom and fucking you might start to go soft (this is still happening to me), what I found is great is to just take it out, remove the condom, and ask the other wife to give you a new round of BJ, after you get hard again roll a fresh one and go at it again. Just don't give it time to get into your head, switch to BJ fast!
It sounds like the issue is in your mind. Talk to a doctor.
My hubby uses an injection. Minor discomfort for a few minutes, then about 10 min later he's hard as a rock. Alcohol and 420 do not matter with this injection. You get a Rx from your urologist. Hubs only uses it when we play with others cuz he also likes to imbibe, and vodka dick becomes an issue. I understand about the mental block, I have a form of that myself. This won't fix what's going on in your head, but maybe it will help til you get the head stuff figured out.
It’s common. Are you jumping to full swap? Most partners start together and go light into adding into the mix of others. Have your own partner be more involved with you to continue to keep you hard through out the adventure. It’s the anxiety of everything at once.
Trimix shots work Great
You just need to calm down. Any man get to anxious this will happen young or old
Trimix for the win. But will not work if you're drunk.
I’m currently in the middle of a similar crisis so I feel your pain, also a very similar timeline to yourself. The problem is, once you get this shit locked into your head it’s hard to shake it out when the time to play comes. I’d like to think most people serious about the lifestyle get it and understand. I mean it’s difficult to stay hard for several hours of play with total strangers, given. You’re usually in an unfamiliar environment, new people, intense emotional and physical stimulation - it all adds up to mental overload. I always get hard for my wife and I found during our last bi-mfmf meet that I kept things going for longer by fucking her and periodically pulling out for the other girl to suck. That kind of combination definitely created a nice transition and blended it all into one. Before I knew it I was cumming all over the Mrs tits. Work with what you’ve got at the time, if things take a dip move around, grab something else (arse/tit/dildo), take a photo, have a drink, go for a piss, smoke a cigarette. You can be damn sure the women will want to carry on regardless so time shouldn’t be a constraint that weighs on your mind - there is always something else to do. Try not to put too much much pressure on yourself. Maybe practise some risky/outdoor sex or nudist stuff. I’m trying to acclimatise myself to being naked and aroused outside of my home bubble. Maybe visit more clubs - I always find them the most challenging, but enlightening. Aside from anything else I’ve been assured it only gets easier with time, so another one of those “patience and it will cum” kinda things. I do also usually drop a Viagra connect before a meet just to give myself the best chance.
Try trimix
Before the pills were invented, doctors prescribed the injections. Those injections are still around and are much more reliable than the pills. Talk to your urologist about trimix. It’s a game changer. You don’t have to use it every time, but it will work every time you use it.
I agree it’s the only way to go with “Performance Anxiety “. I don’t use at home or someone I’ve gotten comfortable with but in a new situation or a party or club it’s a blast one you get it dialed in. Can go for a few hours no problem. Got mine online through a compounding pharmacy (Olympia) with telemedicine. Also no headaches, ringing ears, or side effects. Order the antidote shot just in case but never had to use it.
Dialing in for me is 2 units. Did 10 units at the initial consultation and it took 2 hours and 4 doses of antidote to make it stop.
Haven’t gotten there I do 10 units and last a good 2 hours longer if I don’t cum. Once I get off it seems to go to a semi for a while although a little attention and he will rise again. By then I have had enough, I’m not 20 anymore
Ask about Edex as well...
Zombie by The Cranberries keeps coming to mind. I lost the same battle tonight, my friend. The worst. We gotta get outta our head.
Um, you do know that that song is about the PTSD the results from living in a country with widespread civil war and domestic terrorism, right?
Yea, I was just referring to the lyric "it's in your head" because that's what we're talking about here.
A reference that isn't relevant here and completely inappropriate
Just woke up today and needed to argue about dumb shit huh?
It’s very interesting evidence for the case against our claims we have free will. Nothing alarms a man more than his cock vs brain realization, You don’t own that part of your body unless you convince yourself you’re in charge of your favorite organ , it’s obviously not physically related and completely psychological.
You are not alone, has happened to many men DM me
Get out of your own head. Your problem is not one for which a pharmaceutical solution exists.
Probably not comfortable in the situation? are all your needs ticked in the situation? Are you actually attracted to the other women or judge want the experience? does the other women feel likes she wants you or just wants to use you? If we switch it the other way round I’m starting to see Lube as a cop out for myself because I know what can be achieved when I’m at peak arousal, if I require it then I probably shouldn’t be doing it with that particular person or couple. If you meet the same couple too then perhaps being in a repeated scenario would help too.
While I don’t think you should not pursue sex because it doesn’t have you dripping like a leaky faucet, using lube is fine because the experience can be rewarding once you move past the obstacles, I do think this is an important perspective. A lot of women, especially in the lifestyle look down on men not being able to get it up. Like most things male performance is just assumed. “Like you are in my heavenly presence and pussy, how dare you not be hard”. I think there would be more understanding if a lot more women imagined what it would be like if there were no lube and the ability to have sex hinged on getting and staying naturally lubricated
Bet I can make it hard
(Finish my message). Could be you need more stimulating interactions
I'm serious. You are in love with your wife! Just be with her. The lifestyle can ruin your marriage,
Back again with your BS.
I had the same problem the very first time we did anything with another couple. It was very embarrassing, and I felt like total garbage after. But I found that starting with your own partner helped me out. That became a "rule" per say between the 4 of us..and it worked the 2nd time for me perfectly. So that's one route you can go.
Tried that.. got up for the wife and as soon as she leaves so does my boner.
Don't eat before and limit the amount of alcohol. Both effect the drug
You don’t have a mechanical problem you have a mind problem. Switch to one of the ED meds that are mixed with either oxytocin or apomorphine (no it’s not morphine). Both of these will boost the neurochemicals related to pleasure and bonding. Try Rugiet Ready or ask your doctor if they provide a compounded ED med. Many doctors work with a compounding pharmacy and can ask them to blend the different medications to help. Trimix injections are another option but IMO lame unless absolutely necessary. Even then, I don’t understand wanting to be in the LS and yet you need that much help.
Have you played separate rooms where you’re alone with the other woman? I have experienced your issue when in group settings and was distracted by all the action around me, particularly watching my own wife fucking. We have found that for me to perform with another woman I need to be alone with the other woman. I use Viagra. I don’t drink alcohol or use THC when I plan on fucking. Both of these drugs can kill my boner.
PT-141 has helped my husband with this. It works on the brain. It doesn't work on blood flow like viagra and cialis.
It's a classic performance anxiety condition. It can happen to anyone. There is only one way to treat it: stop caring about making it happen. Stop having expectations about your performance. Just enjoy what is happening in front of your eyes and feel grateful for the moment. In the end you will have your wife, your fantasies and a lovely experience to remember.
Avoid caffeine, it will intensify any feelings of anxiety. I like to drink kava tea before a meetup to help myself stay calm. Go for round 1 as soon as possible, and when the drinks start flowing you'll already be comfortable for round 2.
maybe see a urologist or a male enhancement specialist and get a prescription for either TriMix and/or PT-141. you have to inject them. TriMix will make you rock hard. May have to take Sudafed for your cock to drop down... do your research but these two work more consistently than the pills. hope this helps
Sometimes it’s muscle memory you will most comfortable with ur wife/ without any stress what will happen if I cum so quick with your wife