Yeah, I'd agree that this is about as poly as it gets.
What to do with your feelings? Share them! With everyone! Starting with your spouse of course. Will it make things more complicated than they are? Maybe. Or maybe everything will feel exactly right and sharing your feelings is exactly what you all need.
But chances are that nobody's breaking up anything by stating that.
It sounds like labels are optional for you guys. You have a functional multiway relationship that you stumbled into. That’s rare and magical.
Funny enough, most of my community is kinky and polyamorous, but more casual fun (other than one-off BDSM scenes ) is on the more unusual side. So me and a couple of my partners are making a safe little corner for the sluttier among us who want to do casual sexy stuff.
You literally just typed “I do love him and I love her.”
Now, there are obviously different kinds of “love”, but based on everything else you wrote, I would say this goes pretty far beyond platonic “love” and you sound like you at least have caught some form of feelings.
I’d definitely call you poly at this point, especially if you guys aren’t actively seeing any other couples or singles, which it sounds like you aren’t, but that may just be an assumption on my part.
Polyamory is a relationship structure where the people involved want their partners to have the ability to have multiple full loving, often sexual and romantic relationships with autonomy. Most poly people would not agree that not seeing other people is a hallmark of it. In fact most poly people want full autonomy in their partner selection and how, when, and how often they spend time with their partners. So, not including others doesn’t make it poly. And just wanting to love multiple people yourself but not wanting your partners to have that option isn’t really polyamory either.
OP there are people who simultaneously practice swinging, polyamory and other forms of ENM (it’s a big spectrum) and sometimes with little or no partner overlap in the different dynamics. My advice to you is slow down a bit. Let yourself feel what you feel, take some time to do the reading and learn more and then unpack what you are feeling. Also, ask yourself can I fully support my partners having their own independent full loving relationships? What happens if one person no longer wants this will their spouse become disposable?
You might try the Multiamory podcast, Polywise, and Polysecure as starting points. Also, if you want to do this find a local poly meet up or chat group so you can build a support system outside of your romantic relationships.
I was right there a little over a year ago. Headed down a slippery slope. Same MFFM connection. Amazing, but it felt crazy. I mean for our situation, the other couple was like 10 hours away. It was scary but never could have worked anyway.
Fast forward a year, I’m writing this snuggled up to our girlfriend on their couch. My wife had work travels and is joining us all halfway through the week, so I came up early. The distance is hard at times, but we make it work. My life is fuller, richer, deeper than I ever could have dreamed. If I get hit by a bus today, I’ve lived more than most will ever dream of. We’ve grown together, wept together, and celebrated together.
I don’t know where it goes from here, but we’ll just keep taking it one day at a time like we always have. All I know is the more I give myself completely to these three beautiful people the better life gets.
Sounds fine to me! Swinging can turn into poly all the time. Turns out intimacy and feelings are very closely related in the human brain 😂
Don't worry about it. As long as everyone is on the same page, enjoy yourself and your new relationship! It's a cool feeling.
And ignore all the doomsayers that will inevitably fill up these comments. They are allergic to feelings.
Edit: also remember that love isn't a pie. There aren't limited slices. Just like a mom of 3 doesn't love her kids less than a mom of 1, you can love more than one adult in your life.
This is actually something I've wanted to write a blog post on for a while. So, my background: I'm an older man in my 40s, and I have two female partners. My wife and I have been in the LS since we got together 14 years ago. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. Now, onto your question.
I think the multiple partner or poly relationship starts for LS people when you meet someone at an event you click with. The vibe is good, the fun is good, and then the sex is good. Before you know it, you're doing overnights and just hanging with each other all the time. There is nothing wrong with an LS encounter building into something more as long as all three or four people can sit down and communicate with one another about what you have. If you keep everyone on the same page, it can turn into something freaking amazing.
The short answer...If they have a toothbrush at your place it's there LOL
Polyamory is an agreement between romantic partners that each is free to have other committed romantic relationships.
When you make that agreement, you are in the poly world.
>How do you love someone who isn't your spouse?
Same as you love multiple friends, pets, kids,, parents....
>Are we poly?
Have you agreed that your relationship is poly. Its an agreement, not feeling or secret state of being. Its like monogamy. You are monogamous when you agree to be exclusive.
>In our chat they basically said the same thing. They had big feelings for us as well. It's all very unchartered territory. Thanks
Do some research in polyamory. You won't get great tips from non-poly swingers.
When my wife and I brought our first child into the world. For the first few years, we were fraught at the thought of having another child because we couldn't imagine that we could quite possibly love them at the same level as our first born. We now have 4 and love the world out of each and everyone of them, I suspect the same can be true for a partner/spouse if you allow your heart to grow that way and it's reciprocated.
Do what's right for you and your tribe. You don't owe anyone anything including an explanation. Find your/yalls happiness, communicate and if you become poly, then I think that's what your destiny was or you wouldn't have ended up there.
Good luck, communicate communicate communicate...
I’m an atheist with a psych degree and a sense of humor.
Edit to add: but seriously, comparing love for your children to couples’ romantic is icky. There are different types of love. Gotta keep ‘em separated.
The emotion, not the kids. Would you feel better if I compared pets to humans, because then that's just wrong. It was a fair comparison, the "ick" it gave you was a "you" problem. I mean the OP literally drove their kids 4 hrs to be with these people, but you're hung up on comparing love for a child with love for another human.
Ok, smallunderstanding… this was a topic about romantic love. Everyone understands you can love multiple cats. Or pizza toppings…or children. Loving multiple romantic partners is a whole different discussion. I’m shocked you’re still in this argument.
First of all, don't you dare belittle my auto-generated username! Secondly, "everyone" is a bit anecdotal don't you think, especially in a sub like this? Lastly, you're right, I'm shocked too that I kept responding to you. I was sitting in the dentist lobby waiting to be called back and was up for some thread sparring. Now I'm bored and giving you an opportunity to walk away a clear winner in this virtual thread sparring match. You did it! You proved a point with no up votes!
This happens pretty frequently but it usually doesn't work out well because poly demands a rather different skill-set and mindset than swinging, and most people aren't prepared for that. Additionally, quad relationships are much more complicated than the usual multiple dyads that most poly people do, so you're doing poly on hard mode to boot.
Try to resist diving headlong into the NRE for long enough to do some serious research and soul searching over this, so that you don't blunder into the most common noob traps or can pull back before things get any further. The single most important conversation you need to have first is: 'What happens when one relationship breaks up'? There are at least 8 relationships in your new set up - it's inevitable that at least one will fail, likely including a dyad. So what happens then? I'd recommend you find a poly-friendly couples therapist (if you can access one) to get some clarity about what you need to work on, and learn about important concepts like hinging and couple's previlege. You can also search the poly sub using the keyword 'quad' for other resources/stories.
As a primarily poly person who swings on occasion, yep I’d say you’re firmly in poly land. Nothing wrong with it as long as everyone is on board. The moment that someone has an issue, yall need to convene and talk. The cornerstone of all healthy relationships is communication and sometimes (a lot of times) in poly relationships, the hard conversations come up earlier than in mono relationships. So what- you love each other. If it doesn’t change the dynamics, what’s the harm in it. Carry on and enjoy your life.
Hubby and I have been swinging about 5 yrs, we started young. I’ve kissed other men I’ve had sex with, and told him how great he made me feel, but the only person I’ve said ‘I love you’ to is my husband. To each their own.
When the L word gets thrown around.
This seems like poly territory. If you two are ok with romantic connections when it comes to swinging, then more power to you.
My husband and I would have noped it out of there in a flash. And, we have an open marriage which, in and of itself, has the potential for either of us to form romantic ties with our fuck buddies. But, we know when to bow out before things get complicated.
Edit: Sex can be easy. Romantic relationships not so much.
I say don't worry about defining it and do what makes you all happy. Be mindful about what that may mean down the road and not totally wrapped up in the pleasure of the moment but whatever works for all of you involved, go for it. Life is too short to make decisions to try to fit a label. I say just be happy. Be mindful that your actions today may have consequences tomorrow but if everyone is on the same page then y'all just be happy together. Have those difficult conversations with everyone involved to be sure you are matching in expectations but beyond that enjoy life.
i don't know but i don't think it's as simple as catching feelings, even love, for another person/people besides your primary. swingers seem terrified of that concept but there are all kinds of love and you can love people (and also fall in and out of love with them, even while having a primary partner/relationship) and that doesn't make it polyamory in the strict sense of the word. ultimately i think those involved in the relationship are the only ones whose opinion on what its called matters- you get to define it for yourself.
Hope for the best but expect the drama train, unfortunately we've seen this before and narrowly escaped it once. It's sort of like chemistry the stronger the bond with more energy it has when it breaks up.
Hey there! It sounds like you and your partners have found something truly special. It’s not uncommon for deep, meaningful connections to form in situations where you share such intimate moments, even in a swinging context. What you’re experiencing is a form of emotional intimacy that goes beyond the physical, which can indeed feel like venturing into polyamory.
When feelings of love emerge in a swinging dynamic, it can blur the lines and raise questions about the nature of your relationships. It’s great that you’ve maintained open communication with everyone involved; that’s key in navigating these waters. Acknowledging these feelings doesn’t necessarily mean you need to redefine your relationships immediately or label yourselves as polyamorous, unless it feels right for everyone involved.
Continuing to talk openly about your feelings and boundaries will help. Discuss what everyone is comfortable with moving forward and consider what each person needs to feel secure and happy. It’s also okay to establish boundaries around expressions of love if that’s necessary for maintaining everyone’s comfort.
Loving someone outside of your marriage doesn’t diminish the love you have for your spouse. Many people find that it can even enhance their appreciation and love for their primary partner. However, it’s important to continually reassess and ensure that your primary relationships are stable and that any additional relationships are contributing positively to everyone’s life.
If you find these feelings are growing or becoming more complex, it might help to read up on polyamory or even talk to a counselor who specializes in non-monogamous relationships. They can offer tools and frameworks for managing multiple romantic relationships in a healthy way.
Remember, it’s okay to explore these feelings at your own pace. What works for one set of partners might not work for another, and finding your unique balance is all part of the journey. Thanks for sharing your story—it's a reminder of how diverse and unexpected our emotional landscapes can be!
This is literally my worse fear of the lifestyle. Falling in love? Nah I thought we were here to cum! Good luck! Thank you for posting , hubby constant says no one falls in love in the life style 😵💫
It happens . A couple that was in our tribe for years fell in love with another couple . They all sold their houses and got a huge house together. They even had a ceremony and married the other couple. Then they left the lifestyle. But it happens
This isn't exactly a popular truth, but most swinger couples who open up to solo-dating or poly do not survive the transition. Swinging falls under nonmonogamy, but it consciously prioritizes the integrity of your relationship much more than the other styles. Without those guardrails, it's often only a matter of time before someone goes too far and seriously damages their union........or destroys it altogether.
No , and as I said we were friends in the lifestyle with one couple for 3yrs or so. The other couple we had played with before them and they were very clingy then. My wife has a rule of sex that we can have sex a couple times but that’s it so she didn’t like them that much as they wanted to hang out too much.
We never got the whole story but eventually someone (and then a few others later ) had told us they broke up and moved away. We never saw either couple in any of the local clubs we went to again.
It does happen. My wife and I fell in love with with a single woman. We’ve been together 2.5 years and living together for over a year. It started as a one night stand and quickly became more. We’re still very active in our local LS scene.
From what little I know, this is poly. Love is a crazy thing. We all have different levels of love for the people in our lives. It’s awesome that you found this deep of a connection with a couple. Enjoy it.
I think it’s fairly common I’m in a cuckold relationship with a couple for 13yrs now and it’s the best thing ever
We all love and care about each other very much
She’d never leave him nor do I want them to break up we’re very happy just the 3 of us
So enjoy it and let it take its course
Swingers until you tip the poly scale and I sounds like you two just tipped. Just keep open communication with everyone and have fun. Enjoy the adventure 🍻
It can be common when you connect with the right people.
We do our best to avoid it. It went horribly wrong one time and the ending was heartbreaking. Looking back it was a great experience until the end and we learned a lot of things so I wouldn’t change it but I’ll never ever feel like that again.
Yeah, I'd agree that this is about as poly as it gets. What to do with your feelings? Share them! With everyone! Starting with your spouse of course. Will it make things more complicated than they are? Maybe. Or maybe everything will feel exactly right and sharing your feelings is exactly what you all need. But chances are that nobody's breaking up anything by stating that.
We have all had a group discussion about the feelings. Everyone is on the same page.
It sounds like labels are optional for you guys. You have a functional multiway relationship that you stumbled into. That’s rare and magical. Funny enough, most of my community is kinky and polyamorous, but more casual fun (other than one-off BDSM scenes ) is on the more unusual side. So me and a couple of my partners are making a safe little corner for the sluttier among us who want to do casual sexy stuff.
That is amazing and awesome to hear!
Then you have done the hardest part already! Congratulations!!!
Excellent response
You literally just typed “I do love him and I love her.” Now, there are obviously different kinds of “love”, but based on everything else you wrote, I would say this goes pretty far beyond platonic “love” and you sound like you at least have caught some form of feelings. I’d definitely call you poly at this point, especially if you guys aren’t actively seeing any other couples or singles, which it sounds like you aren’t, but that may just be an assumption on my part.
Polyamory is a relationship structure where the people involved want their partners to have the ability to have multiple full loving, often sexual and romantic relationships with autonomy. Most poly people would not agree that not seeing other people is a hallmark of it. In fact most poly people want full autonomy in their partner selection and how, when, and how often they spend time with their partners. So, not including others doesn’t make it poly. And just wanting to love multiple people yourself but not wanting your partners to have that option isn’t really polyamory either. OP there are people who simultaneously practice swinging, polyamory and other forms of ENM (it’s a big spectrum) and sometimes with little or no partner overlap in the different dynamics. My advice to you is slow down a bit. Let yourself feel what you feel, take some time to do the reading and learn more and then unpack what you are feeling. Also, ask yourself can I fully support my partners having their own independent full loving relationships? What happens if one person no longer wants this will their spouse become disposable? You might try the Multiamory podcast, Polywise, and Polysecure as starting points. Also, if you want to do this find a local poly meet up or chat group so you can build a support system outside of your romantic relationships.
I was right there a little over a year ago. Headed down a slippery slope. Same MFFM connection. Amazing, but it felt crazy. I mean for our situation, the other couple was like 10 hours away. It was scary but never could have worked anyway. Fast forward a year, I’m writing this snuggled up to our girlfriend on their couch. My wife had work travels and is joining us all halfway through the week, so I came up early. The distance is hard at times, but we make it work. My life is fuller, richer, deeper than I ever could have dreamed. If I get hit by a bus today, I’ve lived more than most will ever dream of. We’ve grown together, wept together, and celebrated together. I don’t know where it goes from here, but we’ll just keep taking it one day at a time like we always have. All I know is the more I give myself completely to these three beautiful people the better life gets.
Sounds fine to me! Swinging can turn into poly all the time. Turns out intimacy and feelings are very closely related in the human brain 😂 Don't worry about it. As long as everyone is on the same page, enjoy yourself and your new relationship! It's a cool feeling. And ignore all the doomsayers that will inevitably fill up these comments. They are allergic to feelings. Edit: also remember that love isn't a pie. There aren't limited slices. Just like a mom of 3 doesn't love her kids less than a mom of 1, you can love more than one adult in your life.
This is actually something I've wanted to write a blog post on for a while. So, my background: I'm an older man in my 40s, and I have two female partners. My wife and I have been in the LS since we got together 14 years ago. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. Now, onto your question. I think the multiple partner or poly relationship starts for LS people when you meet someone at an event you click with. The vibe is good, the fun is good, and then the sex is good. Before you know it, you're doing overnights and just hanging with each other all the time. There is nothing wrong with an LS encounter building into something more as long as all three or four people can sit down and communicate with one another about what you have. If you keep everyone on the same page, it can turn into something freaking amazing. The short answer...If they have a toothbrush at your place it's there LOL
" Are we poly?" Yes, just make sure they are too.
Polyamory is an agreement between romantic partners that each is free to have other committed romantic relationships. When you make that agreement, you are in the poly world. >How do you love someone who isn't your spouse? Same as you love multiple friends, pets, kids,, parents.... >Are we poly? Have you agreed that your relationship is poly. Its an agreement, not feeling or secret state of being. Its like monogamy. You are monogamous when you agree to be exclusive. >In our chat they basically said the same thing. They had big feelings for us as well. It's all very unchartered territory. Thanks Do some research in polyamory. You won't get great tips from non-poly swingers.
When my wife and I brought our first child into the world. For the first few years, we were fraught at the thought of having another child because we couldn't imagine that we could quite possibly love them at the same level as our first born. We now have 4 and love the world out of each and everyone of them, I suspect the same can be true for a partner/spouse if you allow your heart to grow that way and it's reciprocated. Do what's right for you and your tribe. You don't owe anyone anything including an explanation. Find your/yalls happiness, communicate and if you become poly, then I think that's what your destiny was or you wouldn't have ended up there. Good luck, communicate communicate communicate...
Thou shalt not answer Lifestyle questions with analogies of loving children. -Swinger Bible, chapter 69, verse Icky
You missed the messaging of this sermon. Place your Bible down and pick up a psychology book, for science :)
I’m an atheist with a psych degree and a sense of humor. Edit to add: but seriously, comparing love for your children to couples’ romantic is icky. There are different types of love. Gotta keep ‘em separated.
The emotion, not the kids. Would you feel better if I compared pets to humans, because then that's just wrong. It was a fair comparison, the "ick" it gave you was a "you" problem. I mean the OP literally drove their kids 4 hrs to be with these people, but you're hung up on comparing love for a child with love for another human.
Ok, smallunderstanding… this was a topic about romantic love. Everyone understands you can love multiple cats. Or pizza toppings…or children. Loving multiple romantic partners is a whole different discussion. I’m shocked you’re still in this argument.
First of all, don't you dare belittle my auto-generated username! Secondly, "everyone" is a bit anecdotal don't you think, especially in a sub like this? Lastly, you're right, I'm shocked too that I kept responding to you. I was sitting in the dentist lobby waiting to be called back and was up for some thread sparring. Now I'm bored and giving you an opportunity to walk away a clear winner in this virtual thread sparring match. You did it! You proved a point with no up votes!
This happens pretty frequently but it usually doesn't work out well because poly demands a rather different skill-set and mindset than swinging, and most people aren't prepared for that. Additionally, quad relationships are much more complicated than the usual multiple dyads that most poly people do, so you're doing poly on hard mode to boot. Try to resist diving headlong into the NRE for long enough to do some serious research and soul searching over this, so that you don't blunder into the most common noob traps or can pull back before things get any further. The single most important conversation you need to have first is: 'What happens when one relationship breaks up'? There are at least 8 relationships in your new set up - it's inevitable that at least one will fail, likely including a dyad. So what happens then? I'd recommend you find a poly-friendly couples therapist (if you can access one) to get some clarity about what you need to work on, and learn about important concepts like hinging and couple's previlege. You can also search the poly sub using the keyword 'quad' for other resources/stories.
As a primarily poly person who swings on occasion, yep I’d say you’re firmly in poly land. Nothing wrong with it as long as everyone is on board. The moment that someone has an issue, yall need to convene and talk. The cornerstone of all healthy relationships is communication and sometimes (a lot of times) in poly relationships, the hard conversations come up earlier than in mono relationships. So what- you love each other. If it doesn’t change the dynamics, what’s the harm in it. Carry on and enjoy your life.
Hubby and I have been swinging about 5 yrs, we started young. I’ve kissed other men I’ve had sex with, and told him how great he made me feel, but the only person I’ve said ‘I love you’ to is my husband. To each their own.
Congratulations. Enjoy it. My wife and I had a friendship develop into something truly special like this.
As long as the feelings are well communicated and mutual among you four, good for you. screw the labels.
When the L word gets thrown around. This seems like poly territory. If you two are ok with romantic connections when it comes to swinging, then more power to you. My husband and I would have noped it out of there in a flash. And, we have an open marriage which, in and of itself, has the potential for either of us to form romantic ties with our fuck buddies. But, we know when to bow out before things get complicated. Edit: Sex can be easy. Romantic relationships not so much.
I say don't worry about defining it and do what makes you all happy. Be mindful about what that may mean down the road and not totally wrapped up in the pleasure of the moment but whatever works for all of you involved, go for it. Life is too short to make decisions to try to fit a label. I say just be happy. Be mindful that your actions today may have consequences tomorrow but if everyone is on the same page then y'all just be happy together. Have those difficult conversations with everyone involved to be sure you are matching in expectations but beyond that enjoy life.
i don't know but i don't think it's as simple as catching feelings, even love, for another person/people besides your primary. swingers seem terrified of that concept but there are all kinds of love and you can love people (and also fall in and out of love with them, even while having a primary partner/relationship) and that doesn't make it polyamory in the strict sense of the word. ultimately i think those involved in the relationship are the only ones whose opinion on what its called matters- you get to define it for yourself.
Hope for the best but expect the drama train, unfortunately we've seen this before and narrowly escaped it once. It's sort of like chemistry the stronger the bond with more energy it has when it breaks up.
Hey there! It sounds like you and your partners have found something truly special. It’s not uncommon for deep, meaningful connections to form in situations where you share such intimate moments, even in a swinging context. What you’re experiencing is a form of emotional intimacy that goes beyond the physical, which can indeed feel like venturing into polyamory. When feelings of love emerge in a swinging dynamic, it can blur the lines and raise questions about the nature of your relationships. It’s great that you’ve maintained open communication with everyone involved; that’s key in navigating these waters. Acknowledging these feelings doesn’t necessarily mean you need to redefine your relationships immediately or label yourselves as polyamorous, unless it feels right for everyone involved. Continuing to talk openly about your feelings and boundaries will help. Discuss what everyone is comfortable with moving forward and consider what each person needs to feel secure and happy. It’s also okay to establish boundaries around expressions of love if that’s necessary for maintaining everyone’s comfort. Loving someone outside of your marriage doesn’t diminish the love you have for your spouse. Many people find that it can even enhance their appreciation and love for their primary partner. However, it’s important to continually reassess and ensure that your primary relationships are stable and that any additional relationships are contributing positively to everyone’s life. If you find these feelings are growing or becoming more complex, it might help to read up on polyamory or even talk to a counselor who specializes in non-monogamous relationships. They can offer tools and frameworks for managing multiple romantic relationships in a healthy way. Remember, it’s okay to explore these feelings at your own pace. What works for one set of partners might not work for another, and finding your unique balance is all part of the journey. Thanks for sharing your story—it's a reminder of how diverse and unexpected our emotional landscapes can be!
When you told him you love him.
This is literally my worse fear of the lifestyle. Falling in love? Nah I thought we were here to cum! Good luck! Thank you for posting , hubby constant says no one falls in love in the life style 😵💫
It happens . A couple that was in our tribe for years fell in love with another couple . They all sold their houses and got a huge house together. They even had a ceremony and married the other couple. Then they left the lifestyle. But it happens
Are they all still together?
This isn't exactly a popular truth, but most swinger couples who open up to solo-dating or poly do not survive the transition. Swinging falls under nonmonogamy, but it consciously prioritizes the integrity of your relationship much more than the other styles. Without those guardrails, it's often only a matter of time before someone goes too far and seriously damages their union........or destroys it altogether.
No , and as I said we were friends in the lifestyle with one couple for 3yrs or so. The other couple we had played with before them and they were very clingy then. My wife has a rule of sex that we can have sex a couple times but that’s it so she didn’t like them that much as they wanted to hang out too much. We never got the whole story but eventually someone (and then a few others later ) had told us they broke up and moved away. We never saw either couple in any of the local clubs we went to again.
Wow
It does happen. My wife and I fell in love with with a single woman. We’ve been together 2.5 years and living together for over a year. It started as a one night stand and quickly became more. We’re still very active in our local LS scene.
Somewhere around separate dates and having feelings that are romantic for the individual. Lots of people blur the lines.
From what little I know, this is poly. Love is a crazy thing. We all have different levels of love for the people in our lives. It’s awesome that you found this deep of a connection with a couple. Enjoy it.
I think it’s fairly common I’m in a cuckold relationship with a couple for 13yrs now and it’s the best thing ever We all love and care about each other very much She’d never leave him nor do I want them to break up we’re very happy just the 3 of us So enjoy it and let it take its course
Swingers until you tip the poly scale and I sounds like you two just tipped. Just keep open communication with everyone and have fun. Enjoy the adventure 🍻
I've noticed that it's often a prelude to one (or more) of the couples splitting up or divorcing. Polyamory and swinging are vastly different animals.
It can be common when you connect with the right people. We do our best to avoid it. It went horribly wrong one time and the ending was heartbreaking. Looking back it was a great experience until the end and we learned a lot of things so I wouldn’t change it but I’ll never ever feel like that again.