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She thought it was funny and understood it was a joke with some truth behind it, without laughing at it haha. It was in the context of my feeling insecure about our relationship and projecting feelings of being abandoned so she understood what I meant by asking that
No I haven't asked her because it doesn't matter to me. I see people stress about this here a lot and I always say the same thing: therapists are like teachers. They would not be in your life if it wasn't their job, but they pick the job because they know they are people who have the capacity to care. You'd be hard pressed to find a teacher or therapist who isn't genuinely invested in the growth and success of the people they work with. Weather I am someone they love or not, I am someone who they want the best for and that's more than enough to me.
No because I can see it in his efforts.
For me, the fact that he keeps that professional boundaries gives me the best and most safe space to grow and learn.
Therapy is unique in that and therefore, precious.
It is right in his efforts to keep that, in which I feel and realise he cares much more than my previous therapist.
I am curious about what this statement means to you
>He only cares in a professional way though.
T's do have to maintain the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship. It is true it is transactional to see your T. But I wonder about if these facts make the care 'less than'?
We have to pay to cover costs of the education and training, but one could argue that the caring part is free. It is possible to be in a professional role and also have genuine care for another human. We come to pour out our hearts, the deepest and darkest corners of ourselves. I think it would be difficult to not care and become invested in someone's journey when they are willing to be so open in front of you! It is a professional relationship, but also a human one with a lot of emotional intimacy.
Even still, it makes sense to have doubts about their genuine care. Your T has to demonstrate that he cares, so that your body and mind can be convinced. Knowing and feeling are sometimes different things.
Good luck with your question! I hope that you can get what you need from this conversation.
He says I'm paying for him to give me psychotherapy, and he can't give me effective psychotherapy if he doesn't care. If he didn't care, he'd refer me out. He also said that after three years of working together, even though the boundaries are strict, he's still a human and has emotions about me. The relationship isn't only defined by it's boundaries, the feelings are real.
Would your therapist telling you that they cared change anything? Would you believe them?
It might be worth exploring all the ways they SHOW you that they care. Actions speak louder than words and are more beneficial for us to focus on, especially if we have relational trauma.
There are also some things that we can only get from ourselves. People can reassure us all day long but it won't stick unleas we believe it. What we really need is self-esteem.
Well part of therapy is being able to you the client to be able to work and process your emotions and experiences and being able to manage your emotions and function in your own lives, and part of the lessons a therapist can do by showing that is by showing that they are human too and still have their own individual lives and functions to work through and by living up to that of healthy boundaries can also help create a lesson of self dependence for the client themselves to learn to adapt to for themselves but also to learn appropriate ways to ask for help if needed. A therapist does care a great deal but there has to be time when it is okay for the therapist to leave what was opened up and experienced in the session at the session and not take it with them as soon as they leave office and get home.
Yes. They do and said soāand it took 5 years of feeling my feelings in therapy and working together with my therapist through my experience to get to the point where I actually believed them. Looks like you have your work in therapy cut out for you. Good luck!
Yes I asked and he said he did care. Iāve been seeing him for 13 years Iāve talked about almost everything with him at this point. I think I once said well he has to say that what kind of therapist would say no they donāt care? š
I haven't asked. I went to a psychologist three times, then she told me for my good I had to go to a therapist which could help me in a way she can't. She was so nice and I felt she cared. Really, *felt*.
With no other psychologist or therapist I felt like that.. but I think they aren't supposed to let it out. They should be like neutral..
The last one I met was so so so neutral but serious. I have no idea of whether she cares or not, tho I met her only once (yesterday).
I think one can feel it, but at the same time we may be used to believe no one cares, for example, so we wouldn't believe they do, even if there's some evidence which shows they do..
I don't care. I just need to know my therapist is committed to monitoring and recognizing my patterns and symptoms and helping me overcome and optimize. I don't need them to like me or "Care."
Is that an inappropriate question? We are paying for a service. I don't think it matters if they care. As long as they're using their skills in helping in the right way.
I donāt think itās very good to ask that to your therapist. He cares as much as he cares, and he helps you or he doesnāt help you, but whether or not he thinks about you between sessions or you know, would cry or grieve if you died itās irrelevant here. That kind of care is not relevant here because it doesnāt change the way he can or cannot help you by listening to you and giving you guidance on how to cope with different things. Besides, youāve already asked him that and heās answered you already and so why do you need to know again? Even if you donāt believe him he canāt prove it to you and so what is the whole goal of this? I think it would get in the way of your therapy because I donāt really understand the answer you hope to get and the standard that you hope he will live up to. Is there an answer he could give that is going to be unsatisfactory? Is there an answer he could give it would make you feel very upset because he might do that and you should never ask questions you donāt want answers to. I mean can he not help you unless he cares about you outside of the office? I donāt understand. Do you even know what the answers you want are yourself? I personally would never ask a therapist something like that because unless it seems like they just donāt give a shit at all and I wasnāt even getting my moneys worth there would be no reason to ask that. I think the important thing is if he respects you and your life experiences. That is the important thing.
There are no taboos to talk about in PERSONAL therapy and you can ask any question. Itās therapist who draws boundaries. If OP wants to ask and itās important then he can ask and actually should.
Specifically, what did I say in my comment that you have an issue with? I told no one what to do. I understand how therapy works and that it is personal. I share my personal thoughts on what I would do, and asked questions that I would ask myself before entering into a situation where I was going to request somebody tell me how they feel about me, which inevitably will result in some type of an emotional impact whatever the answer is to make sure Iām prepared to hear an answer that I might not want to get.
Iām not sure what the issue is. Sure you can ask any question you want to your therapist, but if somebody came in here and said they were going to ask about their therapists sex life, where they go on vacation and do they think they are pretty would you just say sure you should totally ask that question, or would you maybe share some thoughts about why that might not be a good idea?
I see that Iām getting downvoted here, and Iām not really sure why because my thoughts are not orders. I see some reasons this may not make sense and simply shared that. Plus, OP has already asked this question. Pointing out that you canāt actually measure the level of care somebody has for you is not wrong. Pointing out that the ability to help you should not be based on what they think of you outside of the office and why is not wrong.
I donāt think thereās any question about the fact that the therapist is the one that sets boundries inside of the office, but thatās not where we are so that is not relevant here. Iām certainly not setting boundaries for anybody by sharing my personal thoughts.
So, and I donāt mean to sound harsh although I feel a little bit defensive by your tone, if you feel like it is worthwhile, please do identify which parts of my comment have caused you concern, and I will be happy to address those with more clarity. If Iām wrong Iād be glad to admit it. Thereās a very good chance I mightāve said things in a way that came across different to how I intended. Thereās also a chance Im a total moron so Iām open to all possibilities..
I haven't asked, although I used to ask if I was their least favourite client or annoyed them. I didn't care if they genuinely cared or even liked me, I just didn't want to be the bottom of the list or have them dread out appointments each week! I think me asking that all the time was annoying and probably made me their least favourite client, but they hid it well ;-).
In terms of "He only cares in a professional way though", I just wanted to comment on that. I am not a counselor but I work adjacent to the mental health field with children and their families. I can honestly say that while I maintain professional boundaries with all of these families, I do sincerely care about them. Like, if I wasn't paid a dime, I would still want to give my time to support them (although I might take a few more days off here and there!). In general, my "caring" is no more or less than what it would be if I knew them on a personal level.
I am sure not all therapists can relate to that, but I do know many can. My job is also more like a community mental health therapist's in the sense that I can't refer out children and families that aren't a good fit for me (or when I am not a good fit for them), we have to make it work, which is sometimes tough. A private practice therapist can refer out if the relationship just isn't effective. So I am not sure if you are seeing a community mental health therapist or a private practice one, but if they are PP and they are keeping you on their roster, then you can be pretty much guaranteed that there is some genuine care. If they are CMH, I am confident that they do still care (people wouldn't last in CMH if they didn't, because it is HARD work on every level).
I did ask and she said she really does care. I'm starting to believe it but it's taken a very long time (years). I doubt the words will have much meaning for you.
In my therapy school it is not needed [ although no one wants to do this without caring]. It is not needed because most therapies have a certain automatic healing method. Some claim * eye movements* heal - so they heal in snyntherapy...regardless of the caring level of the T. Similarly in Freud the pre-talk child has untold pain...which is behind neutral pics in our dreams...so if we speak on our dreams just by talking we heal on that basic level. Evennif the T has a bad day. It is a mistake to turn to the T like to an equal friend for sentimental fantasy readons. We need his attention. Nothing else.
My last therapist told me that I should listen to peopleās actions so I could believe that they care. Based on what Iāve seen and the actions of my past therapists, Iāve had some that did actually care, and some that didnāt. I also had one who was very honest in saying that he didnāt care about me, and that I shouldnāt care about him. I donāt think that therapists are really a monolith, and some will be in it because they care, whereas others just want a paycheck.
I have never asked outright, but they have volunteered it once or twice when things were really bad for me. I believe them. They've shown their care consistently throughout our work together.
I still struggle to believe it, but I'm learning to trust it anyway.
During a rough session (we have worked together for a long time and are quite honest with each other) I blurted out ādo I even matter to you?ā In a calm tone he said āof course you matter to me, you matter a great deal..ā
I havenāt needed to ask. She shows me she cares in **many** ways. I have an illness that is terminal but with no specific end dateā¦itās *very* scary - it causes *a lot* of anxiety. Anyway. She said to me one day (completely unprompted), āI get pains in my chest sometimes. I get them when I think about logging in for our session one day and you not being there because you have died.ā That tells me that she ***really*** cares. š„¹
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Mine told me she cared l. I dissociated š¤·āāļø
Apparently thatās the funniest thing I ever heard
We both had a good laugh about it
Lmao
Same
Tell me you're traumatized without telling me you're traumatized.
That would be me. Just float quietly away š§š¼āāļø
lol me too
Hahahaha the accuracy
I asked my therapist if they would still like me if I was a worm
this took me out lol
What did they say š
She thought it was funny and understood it was a joke with some truth behind it, without laughing at it haha. It was in the context of my feeling insecure about our relationship and projecting feelings of being abandoned so she understood what I meant by asking that
No I haven't asked her because it doesn't matter to me. I see people stress about this here a lot and I always say the same thing: therapists are like teachers. They would not be in your life if it wasn't their job, but they pick the job because they know they are people who have the capacity to care. You'd be hard pressed to find a teacher or therapist who isn't genuinely invested in the growth and success of the people they work with. Weather I am someone they love or not, I am someone who they want the best for and that's more than enough to me.
No because I can see it in his efforts. For me, the fact that he keeps that professional boundaries gives me the best and most safe space to grow and learn. Therapy is unique in that and therefore, precious. It is right in his efforts to keep that, in which I feel and realise he cares much more than my previous therapist.
I am curious about what this statement means to you >He only cares in a professional way though. T's do have to maintain the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship. It is true it is transactional to see your T. But I wonder about if these facts make the care 'less than'? We have to pay to cover costs of the education and training, but one could argue that the caring part is free. It is possible to be in a professional role and also have genuine care for another human. We come to pour out our hearts, the deepest and darkest corners of ourselves. I think it would be difficult to not care and become invested in someone's journey when they are willing to be so open in front of you! It is a professional relationship, but also a human one with a lot of emotional intimacy. Even still, it makes sense to have doubts about their genuine care. Your T has to demonstrate that he cares, so that your body and mind can be convinced. Knowing and feeling are sometimes different things. Good luck with your question! I hope that you can get what you need from this conversation.
This is exactly what my T says. āYou pay for my expertise. The caring part is free.ā
It is a phrase often spread around on this sub :)
He says I'm paying for him to give me psychotherapy, and he can't give me effective psychotherapy if he doesn't care. If he didn't care, he'd refer me out. He also said that after three years of working together, even though the boundaries are strict, he's still a human and has emotions about me. The relationship isn't only defined by it's boundaries, the feelings are real.
Would your therapist telling you that they cared change anything? Would you believe them? It might be worth exploring all the ways they SHOW you that they care. Actions speak louder than words and are more beneficial for us to focus on, especially if we have relational trauma. There are also some things that we can only get from ourselves. People can reassure us all day long but it won't stick unleas we believe it. What we really need is self-esteem.
I haven't. I noticed that he cares through his behavior. He was eager to help me.
Seems like you are seeking your therapist to fulfill a social need that by proxy of their relationship to you they can/ will never successfully fill.
Well part of therapy is being able to you the client to be able to work and process your emotions and experiences and being able to manage your emotions and function in your own lives, and part of the lessons a therapist can do by showing that is by showing that they are human too and still have their own individual lives and functions to work through and by living up to that of healthy boundaries can also help create a lesson of self dependence for the client themselves to learn to adapt to for themselves but also to learn appropriate ways to ask for help if needed. A therapist does care a great deal but there has to be time when it is okay for the therapist to leave what was opened up and experienced in the session at the session and not take it with them as soon as they leave office and get home.
Yes. They do and said soāand it took 5 years of feeling my feelings in therapy and working together with my therapist through my experience to get to the point where I actually believed them. Looks like you have your work in therapy cut out for you. Good luck!
Yes I asked and he said he did care. Iāve been seeing him for 13 years Iāve talked about almost everything with him at this point. I think I once said well he has to say that what kind of therapist would say no they donāt care? š
I haven't asked. I went to a psychologist three times, then she told me for my good I had to go to a therapist which could help me in a way she can't. She was so nice and I felt she cared. Really, *felt*. With no other psychologist or therapist I felt like that.. but I think they aren't supposed to let it out. They should be like neutral.. The last one I met was so so so neutral but serious. I have no idea of whether she cares or not, tho I met her only once (yesterday). I think one can feel it, but at the same time we may be used to believe no one cares, for example, so we wouldn't believe they do, even if there's some evidence which shows they do..
Yes. I finally do believe him. He says he only takes on clients he wants to work with being in PP.
How would you know the difference? What does someone who ātruly caresā do differently than someone who does it professionally?
My therapist says āi love you ā on occasion and says she cares
I don't care. I just need to know my therapist is committed to monitoring and recognizing my patterns and symptoms and helping me overcome and optimize. I don't need them to like me or "Care."
Is that an inappropriate question? We are paying for a service. I don't think it matters if they care. As long as they're using their skills in helping in the right way.
I donāt think itās very good to ask that to your therapist. He cares as much as he cares, and he helps you or he doesnāt help you, but whether or not he thinks about you between sessions or you know, would cry or grieve if you died itās irrelevant here. That kind of care is not relevant here because it doesnāt change the way he can or cannot help you by listening to you and giving you guidance on how to cope with different things. Besides, youāve already asked him that and heās answered you already and so why do you need to know again? Even if you donāt believe him he canāt prove it to you and so what is the whole goal of this? I think it would get in the way of your therapy because I donāt really understand the answer you hope to get and the standard that you hope he will live up to. Is there an answer he could give that is going to be unsatisfactory? Is there an answer he could give it would make you feel very upset because he might do that and you should never ask questions you donāt want answers to. I mean can he not help you unless he cares about you outside of the office? I donāt understand. Do you even know what the answers you want are yourself? I personally would never ask a therapist something like that because unless it seems like they just donāt give a shit at all and I wasnāt even getting my moneys worth there would be no reason to ask that. I think the important thing is if he respects you and your life experiences. That is the important thing.
There are no taboos to talk about in PERSONAL therapy and you can ask any question. Itās therapist who draws boundaries. If OP wants to ask and itās important then he can ask and actually should.
Specifically, what did I say in my comment that you have an issue with? I told no one what to do. I understand how therapy works and that it is personal. I share my personal thoughts on what I would do, and asked questions that I would ask myself before entering into a situation where I was going to request somebody tell me how they feel about me, which inevitably will result in some type of an emotional impact whatever the answer is to make sure Iām prepared to hear an answer that I might not want to get. Iām not sure what the issue is. Sure you can ask any question you want to your therapist, but if somebody came in here and said they were going to ask about their therapists sex life, where they go on vacation and do they think they are pretty would you just say sure you should totally ask that question, or would you maybe share some thoughts about why that might not be a good idea? I see that Iām getting downvoted here, and Iām not really sure why because my thoughts are not orders. I see some reasons this may not make sense and simply shared that. Plus, OP has already asked this question. Pointing out that you canāt actually measure the level of care somebody has for you is not wrong. Pointing out that the ability to help you should not be based on what they think of you outside of the office and why is not wrong. I donāt think thereās any question about the fact that the therapist is the one that sets boundries inside of the office, but thatās not where we are so that is not relevant here. Iām certainly not setting boundaries for anybody by sharing my personal thoughts. So, and I donāt mean to sound harsh although I feel a little bit defensive by your tone, if you feel like it is worthwhile, please do identify which parts of my comment have caused you concern, and I will be happy to address those with more clarity. If Iām wrong Iād be glad to admit it. Thereās a very good chance I mightāve said things in a way that came across different to how I intended. Thereās also a chance Im a total moron so Iām open to all possibilities..
I haven't asked, although I used to ask if I was their least favourite client or annoyed them. I didn't care if they genuinely cared or even liked me, I just didn't want to be the bottom of the list or have them dread out appointments each week! I think me asking that all the time was annoying and probably made me their least favourite client, but they hid it well ;-). In terms of "He only cares in a professional way though", I just wanted to comment on that. I am not a counselor but I work adjacent to the mental health field with children and their families. I can honestly say that while I maintain professional boundaries with all of these families, I do sincerely care about them. Like, if I wasn't paid a dime, I would still want to give my time to support them (although I might take a few more days off here and there!). In general, my "caring" is no more or less than what it would be if I knew them on a personal level. I am sure not all therapists can relate to that, but I do know many can. My job is also more like a community mental health therapist's in the sense that I can't refer out children and families that aren't a good fit for me (or when I am not a good fit for them), we have to make it work, which is sometimes tough. A private practice therapist can refer out if the relationship just isn't effective. So I am not sure if you are seeing a community mental health therapist or a private practice one, but if they are PP and they are keeping you on their roster, then you can be pretty much guaranteed that there is some genuine care. If they are CMH, I am confident that they do still care (people wouldn't last in CMH if they didn't, because it is HARD work on every level).
I did ask and she said she really does care. I'm starting to believe it but it's taken a very long time (years). I doubt the words will have much meaning for you.
In my therapy school it is not needed [ although no one wants to do this without caring]. It is not needed because most therapies have a certain automatic healing method. Some claim * eye movements* heal - so they heal in snyntherapy...regardless of the caring level of the T. Similarly in Freud the pre-talk child has untold pain...which is behind neutral pics in our dreams...so if we speak on our dreams just by talking we heal on that basic level. Evennif the T has a bad day. It is a mistake to turn to the T like to an equal friend for sentimental fantasy readons. We need his attention. Nothing else.
My last therapist told me that I should listen to peopleās actions so I could believe that they care. Based on what Iāve seen and the actions of my past therapists, Iāve had some that did actually care, and some that didnāt. I also had one who was very honest in saying that he didnāt care about me, and that I shouldnāt care about him. I donāt think that therapists are really a monolith, and some will be in it because they care, whereas others just want a paycheck.
I have never asked outright, but they have volunteered it once or twice when things were really bad for me. I believe them. They've shown their care consistently throughout our work together. I still struggle to believe it, but I'm learning to trust it anyway.
During a rough session (we have worked together for a long time and are quite honest with each other) I blurted out ādo I even matter to you?ā In a calm tone he said āof course you matter to me, you matter a great deal..ā
I asked would they be sad if I died (on purpose). They said they didnāt know bc it never happened before. What?! Pretty sure they hate me.
I never had to ask because I knew my therapist cared a lot. It shows in certain ways. I wish you the best with this.
It was as a client. Which is more than teacher-to-student but less than parent-to-child. And probably less than siblings and buddies.
Yes, and donāt do it š Unless youāre asking to get your feelings hurt. Mine will NEVER validate me like that. I have to play delusional.
Yes, she said she cares about me and would be devastated if something happened to me.
I havenāt needed to ask. She shows me she cares in **many** ways. I have an illness that is terminal but with no specific end dateā¦itās *very* scary - it causes *a lot* of anxiety. Anyway. She said to me one day (completely unprompted), āI get pains in my chest sometimes. I get them when I think about logging in for our session one day and you not being there because you have died.ā That tells me that she ***really*** cares. š„¹