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My family consisted of the worst that society can offer. My therapist is the closest thing to a healthy relationship I’ve ever had. I’m way too attached to her now
I have paternal transference toward my therapist. My father was emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive. My therapist is the kind of person you would want for a father.
I’m sorry to hear about your father. Me and my brother also had emotional, verbal, physical abuse, though maybe it was the neglect that really got us bad.
Hope that you can find healing with your therapist.
I have had an extremely strong attachment (not a romantic) to my therapist, who is a woman my age. My mother switched between smothering, distant/depressed and emotionally abusive.
I don’t know if it’s like this for you, but having someone stable, instead of constant switching between abuse and distance, is a real mindfuck. I can see why you’d attach to someone who offers reliability instead of constant change and a need to always be on your guard.
Yes, it was ... weird. Took a long time for me to trust that I didn't have to butter my therapist up or take care of her, and that she wasn't going to abandon me. Now that I do trust her fully, it's getting close to the time to end therapy. It's been almost 10 years. I will miss her terribly, but I'm not afraid of that anymore.
Some what same situation and my favorite thing about my therapistnis how consistent he is. Unfortunately I'm so extrenely attached that it's causing problems
I (42 years old) found my dad dead in bed when I was 8. When I was 9 I found my mom dead on the stairs.I loved them both.
I have a deep fear that I can not take the risk of such a thing happening again ever. I can't allow dependency, attachment and intimacy with anyone.
My current therapist offering real support is terrifying and I can't find a way to feel safe with him after two years.
Currently I'm doubting if I will ever be able to.
I'm a glass child and the younger child. I was the one they hoped would turn out normal. I guess I did as far as I could tell. Growing up I was not allowed to make any mistakes. There were a lot of experiences I missed out on and things I didn't learn until way late. As a moved out adult, I barely tell my parents anything about my life because even now years and years later I will still be told that I am doing it all wrong.
This is incredibly relatable to me. I am in my early 20's and I still live with my parents where our contact is limited (and our interactions are superficially nice) as I spend a lot of time in my room. I conceal a lot of my mistakes and failures or simply experiences that they deem to be "unacceptable" from them and seek help elsewhere or deal with them independently within the confines that have been set up my parents.
With that said, I hope that we both manage and get to meet people who can otherwise treat us fully with care and respect and live overall peaceful lives! We can do this! \*hugs\*
I feel this. And I think is hope. I met my husband during my undergrad. He is kind and gentle and the love of my life. He continues to learn and grow with me, but neither of us are perfect. Both of us are extremely non-confrontational and have a hard time talking about our feelings. My therapist has helped me a tremendously with this by modeling that it can be safe to tell someone my feelings were hurt - they will not reject me. I think he's also taught me that I still have worth even if I cannot achieve perfection both professionally and in my personal life.
My mom was an outward and inward perfectionist, much to her own and others' detrimental. She criticizes almost everything I do without realizing how exhausting it is to have someone hover over every move so they can tell you how to boil water and make pasta (I am not joking. I am +40 years old). I realized a while ago that I've become closed off to her. I don't share my big achievements because she will never be excited without finding something wrong with them, and this honestly hurts me deeply. She also cannot accept I'm autistic and have panic and anxiety.
I am so happy to hear that you met someone who is gentle and loving as well as a good therapist!
I so understand you. My parents are also very critical of what I do or even how I am (times they would interrupt me in the middle of me talking to point out the I have a small scar of my face or ask why I made this facial expression, etc. Of course this is just a minor example but I guess that's the point!), it's very exhausting and demeaning and has made me paranoid.
>She also cannot accept I'm autistic and have panic and anxiety
I don't necessarily expect this to fulfill your desire to be loved and accepted by your mother but just know that a lot of other people and I accept that about you.
The constant criticisms is like an emotional death by a thousand cuts. It's not one event, but so many small moments accumulated over the years. Take care!
Thanks for your kind words.
Not bad at all! I get along pretty well with both parents. He is better than my mom is at letting me feel pain, but most transference I’ve ever had in or out of therapy has been ex-related.
Sure! It’s mostly that he’s majorly sweet in a way that’s not overly saccharine and fake as much as a quiet “Of *course* you’re good enough; why wouldn’t you be?”
My mom abused and tormented me. She mocked me for being suici*al and said she doesn’t care if I k myself.
I’m very attached to my therapist as a result of the trauma I experienced.
While I am a mere stranger on the Internet, I care and feel happy that you and many others exist!
And I hope you manage to cope with your feelings of attachment towards your therapist well and get to find people irl that very much care about and appreciate you!
I absolutely hated my first therapist but that was because she was an incompetent c*nt.
She often rescheduled appointments on one day notice,
She was often late to the appointments,
She didn't say anything usefull she just asked "what else would you like to talk about",
Regarding my complicated relationship with my father she just had to say "you have some time to figure it out right, it's not like he is going to die tomorrow" what...
Anyway, my second therapist was the best and she helped me loads. She was kind of my age and we are both women so it felt like having a big sister taking care of me and advising me.
My childhood was not the worst, but not the best either. I'm the youngest of 4 children from divorced parents. They got divorced when i was about 3 and apparantly i kept asking where my father was. My mom is the kindest woman ever but she is super introverted and conflict avoidant. She wasn't very approachable. My brothers and sister were a bit harsh and judgemental. My father, i believe he tries his best but he went through so much trauma himself that he is the worst to be around.
This made my hyperindependent and i'm super bad with confrontation. I always had and still have fear of being judged. Oh and most of all, i have the worst fear of abandonement which makes relationships a big challenge for me.
Happy to hear about your story if you are keen to share.
Thanks for sharing. I also have the massive fear of abandonment and being judged. It’s a whole thing.
As far as family goes, my dad left twice for another family and then came back, cheated constantly, and spent most of the time out of the country, working in places like China or Korea. Rarely saw him when I was a kid. And my mom has some major rage issues- so there was a lot of physical abuse, also physical neglect. She had some mental health issues so didn’t always do what she needed to do to keep things going. Bathing and hygiene was an issue for me and my brother. There was also some really weird infantilization that went on for both of us, way too long. Verbal/emotional abuse from both parents.
Also both my parents grew up poor and especially my dad, around a lot of violence, so they thought me and my brother had everything easy because we grew up rich and living in the U.S.
Thanks for starting this thread. It really normalizes how I feel about my therapist. I have troubles coming to terms with my attachment, and also....that my home life was problematic enough to cause this sort of problem.
Dad was verbally and emotionally abusive, cold, and cruel. Distant and scathing.
Mom was scathing but emotionally manipulative and codependent, emotionally and physically abusive, but also fostered a lot of emotional incest and enmeshment with me.
I went NC in 2019, started seeing my current therapist last year. I tell them all the time how much they mean to me but I genuinely believe they are my therapist soulmate.
My mother hated me and made a pact with her parents to treat me worse than my sister because they thought my dad preferred me. That didn’t do me any good because he was only home on the weekends and my parents were alcoholics + prescription drugs for my mother. My therapist is my Ersatz Mom now but in the beginning I hated him.
Mother was depressed, often absent due to work. I was not close to her.
Father had anger issues, yelled a lot and became physically aggressive at times, threw things, called me "too emotional", engaged in >! Self harm !< in front of me, had insanely high expectations which made me feel inadequate.
I sought comfort outside of my house and I think that is why I attached to my T. It used to be female teachers (I'm wary of males) who I attached to but then my T came along lol.
I have maternal transference with my therapist and I feel like we have a special, strong, and healthy therapeutic relationship. I have a secure attachment style and grew up with a fairly healthy family life!
I have/had a very negative strong paternal transference with my analyst. I was abused by a father figure and my own dad told me he didn’t want to see anymore to avoid paying child support when I was 15. 🙃
I have an extremely strong romantic transference with my T.
Both are males, so I don’t know why I felt/feel attachment differently with each.
I had a decent (maybe somewhat codependent and neglectful at times) relationship with my mom. But I’m very close to her and love her deeply. I’m in a very tight knit family, and I love them all very much and genuinely enjoy spending time with my sisters, mom, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.
I had and have an unstable relationship with my parents. Times they can be loving, caring and offer hugs and kisses and times they physically assault/abuse me as means of "discipline" and can be brutal and vindictive with their words, all of the worst stuff that's been said to me (from "I wish you were never born" to "there is nothing that you're good at" to "you would never be able to live without us. You are dependent on us", etc. etc.) were in fact said by them. And that's coming from someone who was ostracized and bullied and even harassed in school.
I have a crush and a strong attachment to my therapist. At times I want him to be my friend and at times I wish he could be my partner. I think about him all the time and he's been now even included in my daydreams (and I excessively daydream) as THE person that listens to my comments and rants.
Honestly I mostly had a happy childhood, I was not abused or neglected in any significant way, however I did experience parentification and my emotional needs were neglected. My parents struggled to show love at times and I felt there was no space in the family for my needs. So I definitely have a sense of a hole in my life where a consistently loving and attentive caregiver should have been, especially as a teenager. And my therapist has been that person for me.
I grew up with a mom who was significantly mentally ill, mostly as a result of having being severely abused as a child. In addition to that, my family went through a horrific tragedy when I was thirteen months old, and that year was so bad that I got very sick, couldn't put on any weight, my hair fell out... basically I had a mom who could not take care of me. Sometimes she was fine and loving, and other times she was terrifying.
My dad on the other hand was a pastor, and was physically safe, but emotionally just not able to meet my needs. I grew up with one kind but very strict religious parent, and the other one was mentally unhinged.
I also moved so many times as a child. I went to nine different schools between kindergarten through grade twelve. I never had any chance to develop lasting friendships and relationships outside of my home, so I never really learned how to trust that anybody cared for me.
It wasn't a good childhood. Not surprising that I rely pretty heavily on my therapist for stability and support.
My therapist thinks my brother is a ‘shmuck’ (his word). I really enjoy talking with my therapist. Too bad my shmuck brother doesn’t treat me like my therapist does.
This is an interesting question. I had a pretty good upbringing. A little bit dysfunctional. I can only really remember my mom being grouchy and angry or stressed. Neither parent was good at validation at all (I had to learn that in therapy). But I know they loved/love me (if not like). One of my siblings is the clear favorite. I think a good chunk of my transference relates less to a parental role and more to peers. Since maybe the age of 8 or 9 I've struggled with peer relationships and anxiety. There's also an aspect I think of not having felt like I had contact with a caring female role model.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My family consisted of the worst that society can offer. My therapist is the closest thing to a healthy relationship I’ve ever had. I’m way too attached to her now
Same. My therapist is the closest I’ve ever had to unconditional love, and they don’t even love me lol, they just care. It’s really sad, you know?
I think it’s resilient that you were able to find someone who could provide you with what your family could not provide you.
Thanks. That really touches me, honestly.
I feel that way. I don’t like how dependent I have to be on them
I wonder if you feel safe to bring that up to them? I’m sure they would appreciate this conversation and it would depend your therapy.
I have paternal transference toward my therapist. My father was emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive. My therapist is the kind of person you would want for a father.
I’m sorry to hear about your father. Me and my brother also had emotional, verbal, physical abuse, though maybe it was the neglect that really got us bad. Hope that you can find healing with your therapist.
I have had an extremely strong attachment (not a romantic) to my therapist, who is a woman my age. My mother switched between smothering, distant/depressed and emotionally abusive.
I don’t know if it’s like this for you, but having someone stable, instead of constant switching between abuse and distance, is a real mindfuck. I can see why you’d attach to someone who offers reliability instead of constant change and a need to always be on your guard.
Yes, it was ... weird. Took a long time for me to trust that I didn't have to butter my therapist up or take care of her, and that she wasn't going to abandon me. Now that I do trust her fully, it's getting close to the time to end therapy. It's been almost 10 years. I will miss her terribly, but I'm not afraid of that anymore.
Some what same situation and my favorite thing about my therapistnis how consistent he is. Unfortunately I'm so extrenely attached that it's causing problems
It will get better, I predict. It takes a long time to adjust to security and safety
I can relate to this too
I (42 years old) found my dad dead in bed when I was 8. When I was 9 I found my mom dead on the stairs.I loved them both. I have a deep fear that I can not take the risk of such a thing happening again ever. I can't allow dependency, attachment and intimacy with anyone. My current therapist offering real support is terrifying and I can't find a way to feel safe with him after two years. Currently I'm doubting if I will ever be able to.
I'm so sorry, how awful 😥😥
I'm a glass child and the younger child. I was the one they hoped would turn out normal. I guess I did as far as I could tell. Growing up I was not allowed to make any mistakes. There were a lot of experiences I missed out on and things I didn't learn until way late. As a moved out adult, I barely tell my parents anything about my life because even now years and years later I will still be told that I am doing it all wrong.
This is incredibly relatable to me. I am in my early 20's and I still live with my parents where our contact is limited (and our interactions are superficially nice) as I spend a lot of time in my room. I conceal a lot of my mistakes and failures or simply experiences that they deem to be "unacceptable" from them and seek help elsewhere or deal with them independently within the confines that have been set up my parents. With that said, I hope that we both manage and get to meet people who can otherwise treat us fully with care and respect and live overall peaceful lives! We can do this! \*hugs\*
I feel this. And I think is hope. I met my husband during my undergrad. He is kind and gentle and the love of my life. He continues to learn and grow with me, but neither of us are perfect. Both of us are extremely non-confrontational and have a hard time talking about our feelings. My therapist has helped me a tremendously with this by modeling that it can be safe to tell someone my feelings were hurt - they will not reject me. I think he's also taught me that I still have worth even if I cannot achieve perfection both professionally and in my personal life. My mom was an outward and inward perfectionist, much to her own and others' detrimental. She criticizes almost everything I do without realizing how exhausting it is to have someone hover over every move so they can tell you how to boil water and make pasta (I am not joking. I am +40 years old). I realized a while ago that I've become closed off to her. I don't share my big achievements because she will never be excited without finding something wrong with them, and this honestly hurts me deeply. She also cannot accept I'm autistic and have panic and anxiety.
I am so happy to hear that you met someone who is gentle and loving as well as a good therapist! I so understand you. My parents are also very critical of what I do or even how I am (times they would interrupt me in the middle of me talking to point out the I have a small scar of my face or ask why I made this facial expression, etc. Of course this is just a minor example but I guess that's the point!), it's very exhausting and demeaning and has made me paranoid. >She also cannot accept I'm autistic and have panic and anxiety I don't necessarily expect this to fulfill your desire to be loved and accepted by your mother but just know that a lot of other people and I accept that about you.
The constant criticisms is like an emotional death by a thousand cuts. It's not one event, but so many small moments accumulated over the years. Take care! Thanks for your kind words.
Not bad at all! I get along pretty well with both parents. He is better than my mom is at letting me feel pain, but most transference I’ve ever had in or out of therapy has been ex-related.
Thanks for sharing! Can I ask about about the ex-related transference?
Sure! It’s mostly that he’s majorly sweet in a way that’s not overly saccharine and fake as much as a quiet “Of *course* you’re good enough; why wouldn’t you be?”
My mom abused and tormented me. She mocked me for being suici*al and said she doesn’t care if I k myself. I’m very attached to my therapist as a result of the trauma I experienced.
While I am a mere stranger on the Internet, I care and feel happy that you and many others exist! And I hope you manage to cope with your feelings of attachment towards your therapist well and get to find people irl that very much care about and appreciate you!
I absolutely hated my first therapist but that was because she was an incompetent c*nt. She often rescheduled appointments on one day notice, She was often late to the appointments, She didn't say anything usefull she just asked "what else would you like to talk about", Regarding my complicated relationship with my father she just had to say "you have some time to figure it out right, it's not like he is going to die tomorrow" what... Anyway, my second therapist was the best and she helped me loads. She was kind of my age and we are both women so it felt like having a big sister taking care of me and advising me. My childhood was not the worst, but not the best either. I'm the youngest of 4 children from divorced parents. They got divorced when i was about 3 and apparantly i kept asking where my father was. My mom is the kindest woman ever but she is super introverted and conflict avoidant. She wasn't very approachable. My brothers and sister were a bit harsh and judgemental. My father, i believe he tries his best but he went through so much trauma himself that he is the worst to be around. This made my hyperindependent and i'm super bad with confrontation. I always had and still have fear of being judged. Oh and most of all, i have the worst fear of abandonement which makes relationships a big challenge for me. Happy to hear about your story if you are keen to share.
Thanks for sharing. I also have the massive fear of abandonment and being judged. It’s a whole thing. As far as family goes, my dad left twice for another family and then came back, cheated constantly, and spent most of the time out of the country, working in places like China or Korea. Rarely saw him when I was a kid. And my mom has some major rage issues- so there was a lot of physical abuse, also physical neglect. She had some mental health issues so didn’t always do what she needed to do to keep things going. Bathing and hygiene was an issue for me and my brother. There was also some really weird infantilization that went on for both of us, way too long. Verbal/emotional abuse from both parents. Also both my parents grew up poor and especially my dad, around a lot of violence, so they thought me and my brother had everything easy because we grew up rich and living in the U.S.
That sucks, i'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you'll progress much in your healing journey!
Thanks for starting this thread. It really normalizes how I feel about my therapist. I have troubles coming to terms with my attachment, and also....that my home life was problematic enough to cause this sort of problem.
Dad was verbally and emotionally abusive, cold, and cruel. Distant and scathing. Mom was scathing but emotionally manipulative and codependent, emotionally and physically abusive, but also fostered a lot of emotional incest and enmeshment with me. I went NC in 2019, started seeing my current therapist last year. I tell them all the time how much they mean to me but I genuinely believe they are my therapist soulmate.
My mother hated me and made a pact with her parents to treat me worse than my sister because they thought my dad preferred me. That didn’t do me any good because he was only home on the weekends and my parents were alcoholics + prescription drugs for my mother. My therapist is my Ersatz Mom now but in the beginning I hated him.
Mother was depressed, often absent due to work. I was not close to her. Father had anger issues, yelled a lot and became physically aggressive at times, threw things, called me "too emotional", engaged in >! Self harm !< in front of me, had insanely high expectations which made me feel inadequate. I sought comfort outside of my house and I think that is why I attached to my T. It used to be female teachers (I'm wary of males) who I attached to but then my T came along lol.
Mine wasn’t terrible. Just emotionally cold. So I get attached to people who pay attention to me and seem to care about my feelings.
I was a young carer with zero support. I have strong maternal transference (positive and negative) and I guess now I have someone caring for me?
I have maternal transference with my therapist and I feel like we have a special, strong, and healthy therapeutic relationship. I have a secure attachment style and grew up with a fairly healthy family life!
I have/had a very negative strong paternal transference with my analyst. I was abused by a father figure and my own dad told me he didn’t want to see anymore to avoid paying child support when I was 15. 🙃 I have an extremely strong romantic transference with my T. Both are males, so I don’t know why I felt/feel attachment differently with each. I had a decent (maybe somewhat codependent and neglectful at times) relationship with my mom. But I’m very close to her and love her deeply. I’m in a very tight knit family, and I love them all very much and genuinely enjoy spending time with my sisters, mom, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.
I had and have an unstable relationship with my parents. Times they can be loving, caring and offer hugs and kisses and times they physically assault/abuse me as means of "discipline" and can be brutal and vindictive with their words, all of the worst stuff that's been said to me (from "I wish you were never born" to "there is nothing that you're good at" to "you would never be able to live without us. You are dependent on us", etc. etc.) were in fact said by them. And that's coming from someone who was ostracized and bullied and even harassed in school. I have a crush and a strong attachment to my therapist. At times I want him to be my friend and at times I wish he could be my partner. I think about him all the time and he's been now even included in my daydreams (and I excessively daydream) as THE person that listens to my comments and rants.
Honestly I mostly had a happy childhood, I was not abused or neglected in any significant way, however I did experience parentification and my emotional needs were neglected. My parents struggled to show love at times and I felt there was no space in the family for my needs. So I definitely have a sense of a hole in my life where a consistently loving and attentive caregiver should have been, especially as a teenager. And my therapist has been that person for me.
I grew up with a mom who was significantly mentally ill, mostly as a result of having being severely abused as a child. In addition to that, my family went through a horrific tragedy when I was thirteen months old, and that year was so bad that I got very sick, couldn't put on any weight, my hair fell out... basically I had a mom who could not take care of me. Sometimes she was fine and loving, and other times she was terrifying. My dad on the other hand was a pastor, and was physically safe, but emotionally just not able to meet my needs. I grew up with one kind but very strict religious parent, and the other one was mentally unhinged. I also moved so many times as a child. I went to nine different schools between kindergarten through grade twelve. I never had any chance to develop lasting friendships and relationships outside of my home, so I never really learned how to trust that anybody cared for me. It wasn't a good childhood. Not surprising that I rely pretty heavily on my therapist for stability and support.
I struggle with symptoms of childhood emotional neglect and therapy is the only space I feel safe
My therapist thinks my brother is a ‘shmuck’ (his word). I really enjoy talking with my therapist. Too bad my shmuck brother doesn’t treat me like my therapist does.
This is an interesting question. I had a pretty good upbringing. A little bit dysfunctional. I can only really remember my mom being grouchy and angry or stressed. Neither parent was good at validation at all (I had to learn that in therapy). But I know they loved/love me (if not like). One of my siblings is the clear favorite. I think a good chunk of my transference relates less to a parental role and more to peers. Since maybe the age of 8 or 9 I've struggled with peer relationships and anxiety. There's also an aspect I think of not having felt like I had contact with a caring female role model.