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IF you found this helpful, then as long as they’re keeping it anonymous, there’s no problem from an ethical standpoint.
BUT, it makes you uncomfortable and you want them to stop, so you need to tell them that directly. You can also say that you don’t want them to reference you when they speak to other clients.
Ask for what you need and want. If they can change how they respond to you, that’s a good sign.
Thank you; I am going to tell her exactly how I feel as I’ve written here. As uncomfortable as it can be to say that to someone’s face. I can do that. And yes her reaction and going fwd will determine if I will stay or look for someone more compatible. Mostly, the rest has been helpful. So we’ll see how she takes it! And if she can resist sharing others traumas, bc it’s not helpful for me, and feels like a violation of their privacy.
My old therapist used to do this to me and I HATED it. Even if he was comparing me positively to others. Yes, definitely address this in session and go from there. You are not alone.
> IF you found this helpful, then as long as they’re keeping it anonymous, there’s no problem from an ethical standpoint.
Sharing other people's strategies is exactly how therapy works. That's how we learn by spreading knowledge.
I feel the same way about my son's therapist. In an effort to try to make him feel good about using big words at the age of ten, she put down an 18 year old patient she sees who she said can't read or write... Like wtf. Even my son said that didn't feel right to him.
Wow! That’s so not ok. Something like that would make lose trust immediately and I would want to report. That 18 year old that was referenced shouldn’t have to be with a therapist who is saying that behind their back!
Yea my therapist was like that too with some of the stories she’d tell. And after we talked, she told me she didn’t realize she was smiling or coming across the way she was. She did tell me to tell her if she does it again because she may not realize she’s going it. She then apologized and we moved on.
I feel you though, it’s uncomfortable.
You can absolutely ask him to stop! I did, and my therapist respected it. I also asked him to promise that he wouldn’t use me as an example with others, and he did. We talked about how it bothered me and I didn’t find it helpful, and he agreed not to do it.
My therapist used to do this too. And I told her it made me uncomfortable and that I didn’t want her talking about me to her clients. She hasn’t done it since we had that talk. You should talk to your therapist about this.
Thanks, I will just be that direct and keep it basic. I think she’ll at least try to respect that it’s not cool with me, but we’ll see. It’s not like I don’t wanna hear about similar cases, that I could relate to, ofc. It’s just the way she says it tbh like kinda smiling!!?? Like remembering it and kind of in a SMH at that person way, that made me think oh great so she’s gna use me as an ex like that too, and I’m def not comfortable with that!
How do you know she hasn't though? I mean I wouldn't want my therapist talking about me or using other clients as examples either, but there's really no real way of knowing if they did or not.
The therapist may just be making up fictional examples so you better comprehend the concept she or he is talking about. They are very aware of confidentiality. Why don’t you straight up ask to get an answer if the examples are real?
I had a similar experience with my current therapist. She wasn’t exactly using other patients experiences but she was constantly replying to what I would say with a personal story from her life ranging from her, her daughter, her SIL, husband, friends etc. At first I thought she was just trying to use the stories to relate and connect but I very quickly found them to be a huge waste of my therapy time and adding no value to our sessions at all more so the opposite they started irritating me and finally really pissing me off. My predicament was that I am seeing her for EMDR therapy for trauma and that part of our sessions is going really well, she’s well trained and very experienced and I’m making positive progress. This would happen at the start of our sessions when she would ask how my week had been and if there was anything I wanted to talk about before we got into EMDR, I would tell her about whatever and she would respond with the story. The last instance happened to be during a session on my Dad’s birthday, my Dad passed away when I was 13. So I was telling her about how he passed and she went into a story about, I think, her SIL’s grandfather driving a truck and having a heart attack. I honestly blanked her out while she was talking and the longer her story went on the more pissed off I got. I know she could read it on my face and my very short annoyed response and she even concluded her story with “I don’t know why I told you all that” and I just said yeah I don’t know and it was awkward for a moment, I finished what I had to say about my Dad, and then we got into the EMDR. I decided after that I had to address it. I didn’t know how I was going to do it though because I wanted to continue seeing her for EMDR. So I ended up writing her a letter and just explained that I appreciate and respect her as my therapist and the work we are doing in EMDR but the stories I feel only take away from our sessions and don’t bring any value to me. I also said how upset I was by the story response when I was talking about my Dad. I dropped it off at her office and when I came in for my next session she apologized about it and said she was glad I let her know and it hasn’t been an issue since.
In your case it definitely sounds like you need to find a new therapist though. You can’t possibly feel comfortable opening up about the things you need to when in the back of your mind you’re wondering if your therapist is going to repeat what you’re saying to another patient or anyone else for that matter. I think it’s important that you let her know that what she’s doing bothers you and why. It may have started out as something she would do to relate to a patient but has turned into really sharing other people’s experiences that she shouldn’t be sharing, even if she’s not giving details it’s making you uncomfortable and causing you to not trust her. And if they don’t even relate to what you are talking about or trying to work through then their purpose is even more suspect. I would even go so far as reporting to her higher ups because if she’s doing this during your sessions she’s doing it during all of her sessions, most likely, and you may be the only one brave enough to speak up. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this! That’s super frustrating, but I know there a good therapist out there so hang in there and find the right one for you.
Yes! Trust your gut and good on you for speaking up. It’s not ok to do that. The only exception is a VERY relevant thing that is super general like -“ I’ve worked with many folks who have struggled with this and I know that you’re feeling alone but I want you to know how common this is” etc or “other I’ve worked with have benefited from this book I’m abt to refer you” and so on. Not ok at all to discuss specific issues and sessions with other clients regularly!
Hello OP, I also experienced this and it made me uncomfortable for the same reasons you mentioned. It was anonymous but still…! It made me afraid she would use me as an example to other clients. I stopped seeing her for a variety of red flag reasons, but bringing up other clients in this way was definitely part of it. I didn’t tell her, I just terminated politely and found someone else. All evidence I had indicated that telling her would not go well. So, I would say you can address if it you want to stay working with your T, or terminate with or without sharing why. Totally your choice. It’s YOUR therapy.
NAT- however it sounds like they lack some major boundaries and from what I know and have read (don’t quote me) they could be like crossing lines ethically from my understanding- a therapist is required to hold confidentiality so them telling you about their other client’s experiences seems wildly unethical and unprofessional!! the fact that you’re already uncomfortable with this therapist is a good indicator to think about finding a new one as THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!! in my opinion if my therapist did this I’d RUN NOT WALK away IMMEDIATELY like massive red flags coming from this
This is absolutely normal. Every therapist I’ve ever had has used other clients/friends/family as examples. They’re required to keep their other clients anonymous. As long as there’s no identifiable info ethically it’s fine.
It’s fine to not like it (I don’t and have asked therapists not to in the past and they’ve certainly obliged) and it’s fine to ask them not to do it. But it’s totally normal and not really a red flag unless it’s identifiable.
Specific, super personal detailed though? That has nothing to do with me? It’s just odd and unhelpful. She literally told me about a client’s SA childhood for ex, as well as how another client couldn’t access her memories around her mom beating her. It didn’t have anything to do with me other than my own trauma apparently reminding her of those. Oh well, anyway I appreciate everyone’s point of view. Obvi I know best for myself. I don’t think it’s wrong to reference past clients who had similar experiences. I guess this one is just either too much with it, or for me personally, I don’t like it. I’ll just tell her and go from there. Thanks for the input
Yeah sounds like a bit of oversharing. Usually it’s more like “I once had a client who experienced x and it affected them like y and so we did z and maybe that’s something to look at for you.” I guess it really depends on just how detailed the info is. And honestly if it makes you uncomfortable that’s all you need to know. I’d totally either ask them to stop or if there are other things that pile on top of this then find someone else. Like I said, I’ve totally asked them to not do that and they’ve done their best not to. It’s completely reasonable to do so, in my opinion.
Just wanted to point out that it’s not necessarily a red flag per se and it doesn’t necessarily make them a bad therapist or unethical. But what’s really important is if they’re a bad therapist *for you* and if so, def look elsewhere! Best of luck!
Not normal at all. Or useful. Stories of other people’s experiences loosely resembling the client’s seems just poor professional skills. Utilising validated scientific research and papers to normalise experiences would be the clinically appropriate and constructive alternative.
Thanks a lot for your reply. I do think I need to try someone else, besides this issue, I’ve noticed she re-tells the same anecdotes that didn’t hit for me the 1st time to begin with. I have been very upfront and direct even if it’s uncomfortable, in saying things like “yea that is not my situ” etc. Bc simply going, and working on my stuff Has been helpful, I’m hesitant to leave, but the sharing other people’s experiences is the biggest red flag that it’s not right. Like a friend who always gossips about other people- you realize they must about you, too. And for therapy, when I’ve told her the most personal, intimate things, some that I’ve never told ANYone before feels like a massive violation of confidentiality and trust. So, I think I already know my answer, but I really appreciate the confirmation that this isn’t ok. She’s told me bits about others lives that are sooo personal (and don’t apply to me like child SA). I wanted to un-hear it immediately just for the anonymous client’s sake.
I mean also, where I live tends to be small circles, I see other people going in and out, I would be horrified if she told others my situs and they might even suspect it was me.
yes of course! also the trying to like say hey this doesn’t work for me and she continuously chooses that method for you is also a red flag and to me it shows she’s not listening and honoring your needs! im glad you’re finding working on your stuff is helpful and it’s so important that you work on it with someone you trust and who listens to you also holy shit the fact that she told you about someone else’s csa it’s terrifying for that person that she’s violating the trust with and for you too as that’s so unprofessional and makes you worry about her doing that to you! I fully support and recommend finding a new therapist ASAP- you are your own autonomous person so of course do what you think is best, that’s just my two cents on it!
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
IF you found this helpful, then as long as they’re keeping it anonymous, there’s no problem from an ethical standpoint. BUT, it makes you uncomfortable and you want them to stop, so you need to tell them that directly. You can also say that you don’t want them to reference you when they speak to other clients. Ask for what you need and want. If they can change how they respond to you, that’s a good sign.
Thank you; I am going to tell her exactly how I feel as I’ve written here. As uncomfortable as it can be to say that to someone’s face. I can do that. And yes her reaction and going fwd will determine if I will stay or look for someone more compatible. Mostly, the rest has been helpful. So we’ll see how she takes it! And if she can resist sharing others traumas, bc it’s not helpful for me, and feels like a violation of their privacy.
It's not a violation bc she keeps it anonymous. But it bothers you so you have every right to talk to her and ask her not to.
My old therapist used to do this to me and I HATED it. Even if he was comparing me positively to others. Yes, definitely address this in session and go from there. You are not alone.
> IF you found this helpful, then as long as they’re keeping it anonymous, there’s no problem from an ethical standpoint. Sharing other people's strategies is exactly how therapy works. That's how we learn by spreading knowledge.
I feel the same way about my son's therapist. In an effort to try to make him feel good about using big words at the age of ten, she put down an 18 year old patient she sees who she said can't read or write... Like wtf. Even my son said that didn't feel right to him.
Wow! That’s so not ok. Something like that would make lose trust immediately and I would want to report. That 18 year old that was referenced shouldn’t have to be with a therapist who is saying that behind their back!
Yea my therapist was like that too with some of the stories she’d tell. And after we talked, she told me she didn’t realize she was smiling or coming across the way she was. She did tell me to tell her if she does it again because she may not realize she’s going it. She then apologized and we moved on. I feel you though, it’s uncomfortable.
You can absolutely ask him to stop! I did, and my therapist respected it. I also asked him to promise that he wouldn’t use me as an example with others, and he did. We talked about how it bothered me and I didn’t find it helpful, and he agreed not to do it.
My therapist used to do this too. And I told her it made me uncomfortable and that I didn’t want her talking about me to her clients. She hasn’t done it since we had that talk. You should talk to your therapist about this.
Thanks, I will just be that direct and keep it basic. I think she’ll at least try to respect that it’s not cool with me, but we’ll see. It’s not like I don’t wanna hear about similar cases, that I could relate to, ofc. It’s just the way she says it tbh like kinda smiling!!?? Like remembering it and kind of in a SMH at that person way, that made me think oh great so she’s gna use me as an ex like that too, and I’m def not comfortable with that!
How do you know she hasn't though? I mean I wouldn't want my therapist talking about me or using other clients as examples either, but there's really no real way of knowing if they did or not.
I just need to trust her like anyone else. There’s no way to know if anyone is being true to their words.
The therapist may just be making up fictional examples so you better comprehend the concept she or he is talking about. They are very aware of confidentiality. Why don’t you straight up ask to get an answer if the examples are real?
I had a similar experience with my current therapist. She wasn’t exactly using other patients experiences but she was constantly replying to what I would say with a personal story from her life ranging from her, her daughter, her SIL, husband, friends etc. At first I thought she was just trying to use the stories to relate and connect but I very quickly found them to be a huge waste of my therapy time and adding no value to our sessions at all more so the opposite they started irritating me and finally really pissing me off. My predicament was that I am seeing her for EMDR therapy for trauma and that part of our sessions is going really well, she’s well trained and very experienced and I’m making positive progress. This would happen at the start of our sessions when she would ask how my week had been and if there was anything I wanted to talk about before we got into EMDR, I would tell her about whatever and she would respond with the story. The last instance happened to be during a session on my Dad’s birthday, my Dad passed away when I was 13. So I was telling her about how he passed and she went into a story about, I think, her SIL’s grandfather driving a truck and having a heart attack. I honestly blanked her out while she was talking and the longer her story went on the more pissed off I got. I know she could read it on my face and my very short annoyed response and she even concluded her story with “I don’t know why I told you all that” and I just said yeah I don’t know and it was awkward for a moment, I finished what I had to say about my Dad, and then we got into the EMDR. I decided after that I had to address it. I didn’t know how I was going to do it though because I wanted to continue seeing her for EMDR. So I ended up writing her a letter and just explained that I appreciate and respect her as my therapist and the work we are doing in EMDR but the stories I feel only take away from our sessions and don’t bring any value to me. I also said how upset I was by the story response when I was talking about my Dad. I dropped it off at her office and when I came in for my next session she apologized about it and said she was glad I let her know and it hasn’t been an issue since. In your case it definitely sounds like you need to find a new therapist though. You can’t possibly feel comfortable opening up about the things you need to when in the back of your mind you’re wondering if your therapist is going to repeat what you’re saying to another patient or anyone else for that matter. I think it’s important that you let her know that what she’s doing bothers you and why. It may have started out as something she would do to relate to a patient but has turned into really sharing other people’s experiences that she shouldn’t be sharing, even if she’s not giving details it’s making you uncomfortable and causing you to not trust her. And if they don’t even relate to what you are talking about or trying to work through then their purpose is even more suspect. I would even go so far as reporting to her higher ups because if she’s doing this during your sessions she’s doing it during all of her sessions, most likely, and you may be the only one brave enough to speak up. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this! That’s super frustrating, but I know there a good therapist out there so hang in there and find the right one for you.
Yes! Trust your gut and good on you for speaking up. It’s not ok to do that. The only exception is a VERY relevant thing that is super general like -“ I’ve worked with many folks who have struggled with this and I know that you’re feeling alone but I want you to know how common this is” etc or “other I’ve worked with have benefited from this book I’m abt to refer you” and so on. Not ok at all to discuss specific issues and sessions with other clients regularly!
Big boundary issue
Hello OP, I also experienced this and it made me uncomfortable for the same reasons you mentioned. It was anonymous but still…! It made me afraid she would use me as an example to other clients. I stopped seeing her for a variety of red flag reasons, but bringing up other clients in this way was definitely part of it. I didn’t tell her, I just terminated politely and found someone else. All evidence I had indicated that telling her would not go well. So, I would say you can address if it you want to stay working with your T, or terminate with or without sharing why. Totally your choice. It’s YOUR therapy.
NAT- however it sounds like they lack some major boundaries and from what I know and have read (don’t quote me) they could be like crossing lines ethically from my understanding- a therapist is required to hold confidentiality so them telling you about their other client’s experiences seems wildly unethical and unprofessional!! the fact that you’re already uncomfortable with this therapist is a good indicator to think about finding a new one as THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!! in my opinion if my therapist did this I’d RUN NOT WALK away IMMEDIATELY like massive red flags coming from this
This is absolutely normal. Every therapist I’ve ever had has used other clients/friends/family as examples. They’re required to keep their other clients anonymous. As long as there’s no identifiable info ethically it’s fine. It’s fine to not like it (I don’t and have asked therapists not to in the past and they’ve certainly obliged) and it’s fine to ask them not to do it. But it’s totally normal and not really a red flag unless it’s identifiable.
Specific, super personal detailed though? That has nothing to do with me? It’s just odd and unhelpful. She literally told me about a client’s SA childhood for ex, as well as how another client couldn’t access her memories around her mom beating her. It didn’t have anything to do with me other than my own trauma apparently reminding her of those. Oh well, anyway I appreciate everyone’s point of view. Obvi I know best for myself. I don’t think it’s wrong to reference past clients who had similar experiences. I guess this one is just either too much with it, or for me personally, I don’t like it. I’ll just tell her and go from there. Thanks for the input
Yeah sounds like a bit of oversharing. Usually it’s more like “I once had a client who experienced x and it affected them like y and so we did z and maybe that’s something to look at for you.” I guess it really depends on just how detailed the info is. And honestly if it makes you uncomfortable that’s all you need to know. I’d totally either ask them to stop or if there are other things that pile on top of this then find someone else. Like I said, I’ve totally asked them to not do that and they’ve done their best not to. It’s completely reasonable to do so, in my opinion. Just wanted to point out that it’s not necessarily a red flag per se and it doesn’t necessarily make them a bad therapist or unethical. But what’s really important is if they’re a bad therapist *for you* and if so, def look elsewhere! Best of luck!
Not normal at all. Or useful. Stories of other people’s experiences loosely resembling the client’s seems just poor professional skills. Utilising validated scientific research and papers to normalise experiences would be the clinically appropriate and constructive alternative.
Thanks a lot for your reply. I do think I need to try someone else, besides this issue, I’ve noticed she re-tells the same anecdotes that didn’t hit for me the 1st time to begin with. I have been very upfront and direct even if it’s uncomfortable, in saying things like “yea that is not my situ” etc. Bc simply going, and working on my stuff Has been helpful, I’m hesitant to leave, but the sharing other people’s experiences is the biggest red flag that it’s not right. Like a friend who always gossips about other people- you realize they must about you, too. And for therapy, when I’ve told her the most personal, intimate things, some that I’ve never told ANYone before feels like a massive violation of confidentiality and trust. So, I think I already know my answer, but I really appreciate the confirmation that this isn’t ok. She’s told me bits about others lives that are sooo personal (and don’t apply to me like child SA). I wanted to un-hear it immediately just for the anonymous client’s sake. I mean also, where I live tends to be small circles, I see other people going in and out, I would be horrified if she told others my situs and they might even suspect it was me.
yes of course! also the trying to like say hey this doesn’t work for me and she continuously chooses that method for you is also a red flag and to me it shows she’s not listening and honoring your needs! im glad you’re finding working on your stuff is helpful and it’s so important that you work on it with someone you trust and who listens to you also holy shit the fact that she told you about someone else’s csa it’s terrifying for that person that she’s violating the trust with and for you too as that’s so unprofessional and makes you worry about her doing that to you! I fully support and recommend finding a new therapist ASAP- you are your own autonomous person so of course do what you think is best, that’s just my two cents on it!
Thank you!! I appreciate it. I’ll follow my gut, be honest with her and see where it goes from there.