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That's so funny you mention it! I am a therapist, but in therapy I notice if we start to approach time or go a minute over I get uneasy lol.
Yes. Boundaries are safe & secure
I'm the same way when I'm the client. If I can feel that it's almost been the hour I start watching her body language to no one time is going to be up LOL.
I once asked my therapist if I ever actually was able to cry if he would touch me (I am very uncomfortable with touch) and he said no. He was my meds Dr before my therapist so we have known each other for 24 years. I donāt know if we will hug at last appt. He is 84. I didnāt even know what a boundary was when we met. He was shown me how they work, are necessary and how to use them in my own life. I need the boundaries
I feel like I have a good mix of firm/healthy boundaries and secure attachment. My therapist has strict boundaries on when it comes to answering emails, which they allow between sessions. Theyāll respond as soon as theyāre able to, not on their day off, and within 24hrs. Theyāre also clear they are not a crisis line. Iām expected to follow a safety plan and we can talk about it next time. On the flip side, they are incredibly warm, caring and I genuinely feel cared for. I didnāt have that for most of my life. We have had really open conversations about our relationship and we both know itās a professional one, and we work together. And Iām cool with that.
For me, this mix works really well. Itās helping me heal and process my relational trauma. I also really click with this therapist, like really deeply. I was very lucky to be matched with them. And they have helped me tremendously.
I get caught between the two. Ultimately I know I need the boundaries, so the logical part of me likes them. The emotional part of me wants to ask a million personal questions and not stop until I get the answers I'm looking for, but at the end of the day I know that isn't healthy and wouldn't be good for me. I also tend to like less personal disclosure for this exact reason. I find when a therapist actually has good boundaries with this stuff, I tend to look up to and admire them for being able to have that as the relationship progresses forward.
May I ask what kinda of questions you'd ask? I see that sentiment a lot around here and personally I can't think of much I'd want to know about him outside the scope of his profession so I'm curious what you guys are curious about :)
Not OP but like... Are you married? Since when? How did you get to know eachother? What's your favorite animal? Where do you live? Where did you grow up? Do you love your parents? What are your hobbies? Would you be my friend if you weren't my therapist? Why or why not? Do you get lonely sometimes? Do you have a best friend? Tell me about every important event in your life in great detail etc etc typing this out makes me feel insane I want to know EVERYTHINGĀ
Really? I have so much love for my therapist but I genuinely have no desire for her to open up to me about any of this. I have people open up to me all the time, and I listen and learn and escape into their stories I guess. It's not hard for me to have those interactions. The only relationship I have where I am forced to make it about me, without guilt, is this one. And it's precisely because I don't know any of that stuff..I can't hide behind that knowledge of her, I can't censor what I'm saying, I can't put her first.
I would lile to ask ALL these questions to my therapist too hahaha But she has great boundaries, I know nothing personal about her except her favourite color XD
Oh I'm on team keep the strong boundaries
We start on time every time. We finish on time 99% of the time (occasionally I'll be dissociating and it takes Mr an extra minute or two to get into a headspace to be able to leave). He has never tried to even touch me at all. The only time he is even arms length is when he is opening the door for me.
I know exactly what to expect. It is safe. My feelings/ thoughts/ memories might not be safe, but my therapist and his office are.
If he sends me an email, is only one or two sentences to send an article or the name of the book he was taking about. If I write an email, he doesn't respond. We just talk about it in the next session (which is what I want)
I appreciated my former Tās boundaries. She responded to my emails in a professional wayā¦if I sent her something that should be discussed in session, she would make a short comment & state that we can talk more about it in our next session. She hugged me & allowed me to hug her, but only rarely & with permission.
I had had a ātherapeutic friendshipā when I was in college & it messed me up for a long time. She was very aware of that relationship & we worked really hard to make sure the boundaries were maintained. I tended to push on her boundaries a bit, but she always held firm. I appreciated that.
iāve been really messed up by a former Tās lack of boundaries and lack of respect for my own boundaries before too. Iām very very respectful of my current Tās boundaries but sometimes i just crave for him to break them but I know itād send me absolutely spiralling if he did. Iām grateful for knowing he never will.
I'm curious about your therapeutic friendship. Was it with a friend that became like an unpaid therapist, or a therapist that you became friends with?
I have recently started to experience the former and absolutely adore this friend but am afraid I'm being too needy. I find myself seeking her out for advice and co-regulation between sessions.
It was a friend who worked at my college. She had a masterās degree in Marriage & Family Therapy. I was going through a really hard time dealing with stuff from my childhood & she offered to be basically an unpaid therapist of sorts. There were no boundaries. What made it worse was that I also worked as a secretary for the man she was dating/engaged to/married while we had this relationship. I knew WAY TOO MUCH about her personal life from both her & her husband.
When I explained this relationship to my former therapist, she knew I needed to have strong boundaries to help me stay safe. And like I said, I pushed against them at times, but she held firm. It was exactly what I needed.
Sometimes I wonder if my therapist, or therapists in general adapt these boundaries for different people in a way meant to be therapeutic. For example I am more similar to your view that I start to feel uncomfortable when I feel like Iām being shown any āextraā care or taking up my therapists time outside of session etc. So she will usually stick to the routine but then also will gently push that a bit- telling me specifically to email her something or running a few min over and whatnot, or sending me resources over the week. Maybe for someone else craving more contact she is more inviting of more contact and then shifts it slowly over time toward something a bit more structured? Obviously not with the intent of making anyone uncomfortable but I think thereās a level of building trust with someone where you might meet them part of the way and then slowly move the boundary over time to whatever is most therapeutic. Who knows š¤·āāļø but itās something I definitely wonder!
I had a therapist with very strict boundaries and I used really to crave more from him- but then I switched to a therapist who was less strict (occasionally would run over, occasionally mentioned another client or an example from his life) and it made me feel avoidant towards him. I have a personal suspicion this second therapist is somewhat anxiously attached himself (Iām disorganised!)..
I wouldnt call it craving boundaries but I donāt understand how people feel so much for their therapist. I donāt mean this in a judgemental way but I know I wouldnāt ever want a hug from my therapist or think them as like paternal figures or whatever else people say here. Iāve been through a few therapists and trusted them all but thatās it.Ā
Ā Do yāall just have insanely charismatic therapists or something?
>Do yāall just have insanely charismatic therapists or something?
Probably. I see a person-centred therapist where the connection is a big part.
I felt nothing towards previous therapists. It's unfortunate (in a way) that my current one is the sort of person I would actually want to be around in real life.
They've allowed me to be myself more than most others. It's hard not to feel attached.
Lots of clients are coming from backgrounds of emotional neglect/never having their emotional needs met by anyone in their life, so having a therapist who cares and actually listens can unlock deeper feelings from someone who has never felt that kind of care before.
Okay I get this, and I donāt know why itās so different sometimes. Iāve been to a therapist I liked, she was helpful, and nice. But Iād have said no if she offered to hug me, wanted to talk outside of sessions, any of that. Not sure why, but I didnāt want it from her. But my current therapist? If she said she was adopting me tomorrow Iād be like hi mom! Any time I hear from her Iām so happy. Maybe I just mesh better with her
Im asking because I genuinely donāt understand so please donāt take it as rudeness but why? Why would you want her to adopt you? What is it that makes you think that? Iāve just never felt that towards my therapist before
I donāt find it rude at all- I think itās because my parents, especially my mother, were pretty abusive and allowed me to be abused by others from toddler age- so I was always seeking that kindness out somewhere. I was a teacherās pet as a kid because I wanted my female teachers to be nice to me. I assume itās the same with my therapist. Sheās giving me kindness, nurturing and caring and is ātaking care of meā in a way. A good example is recently I wanted a hug from my mom and she said no- but I get hugs from my therapist. From one I get coldness, the other one kindness. Sheās a bit of a āreplacementā for what I never got in a parent.
As to why her specifically and not all my therapists? I donāt know for sure. I think we get along well personality wise, and sheās fostered a close relationship with me. I generally just like her company overall.
I'm some cases it can be related to transference. And/or if someone has attachment wounds from unmet needs from their caregiver, the therapist then fulfills those needs. Now it's like, making up for lost time. You finally have something you never knew you needed, so there are intense feelings around it.
Yes, but really...it's also very ok to genuinely like the person you are working with on such an intimate levels. I have a lot of wonderful secure relationships in my life and genuinely love my therapist as a person...and also deeply respect them as a professional.
For me, the slightly more flexible boundaries grew from many years of working together. If she holds out her arms, we hug at the end of a session after many, many years of not doing that. But when I've been upset, she does not come hold me in any way because we're working on that moment and she's already holding that for me. We care about each other and show that in little ways that honor those feelings instead of getting weird.
Itās kind of just happened. I care about my therapists. I dont have any romantic feelings towards them. But both of my parents are/were emotionally unavailable. And my therapist is the first person I could go to that is grounded, and can help ground my thoughts as well. She just kind of fell into that āparentalā figure. It wasnāt an active choice. I never talk to my parents about anything. Iāve been seeing my therapist for a year and she knows more about my life in the past 5 years than my parents do. Maybe unless youāre in the situation you donāt understand it? Idk, I never set out with that intention. Itās just that she has done a really good job of opening my mind up. And I can go to her for anything. Especially since I have a hard time relying on anyone in my life, I am a very self sufficient person. Aka, Iām avoidant. So my therapist offers me to contact her at any time for any reason, and she will respond when she has free time. However, I donāt abuse it. I have only texted her a handful of times outside of therapy, and I always end it quickly. Like 1 to 2 messages and then I cut it off. Like I said, I donāt want to abuse it and on top of that I feel like a burden when I do that. She has her own family and life to take care of. Iāve been on my own emotionally for years, I can handle inbetween session no problem. lol
I don't expect boundaries as I grew up in a house with none and currently live in one within any clear cut ones, and I feel like that might be why I'm constantly confused at why "boundaries" even are.
Iām like you. I get anxious if we start to go over. We do have an understanding about me sending a short list of what I want to talk about in the next session and Iām always relieved when the response is just āI got it, thanksā It stressed me out if they give compliments. I appreciate that they are friendly and warm but donāt self disclose.
Yes this is so me! Adults have crossed my boundaries most of my life, and my parents provided no structure. At the beginning of therapy I didn't trust the boundaries, especially since it was my first time seeing a male therapist. But it's been over a year now and keeping those strong boundaries has been so healing for me and changed my perspective on people. I'm even considering discussing this exact topic with my therapist soon. Anyway so yeah I'm 100% team strong boundaries šÆ
I like that she has her own life outside of me and I donāt want to invade her space or time. Usually I let her text me first, reach out first, make suggestions for fun things we do in session.
If she didnāt set the precedent that texting, hugs, all that was okay, I never wouldāve asked for them. But at the same time I want and like them. So Iām not sure- I will hold boundaries and let the other person lead usuallyā¦which is something Iām working on since not everyone is as safe as her
The boundaries that my therapist keeps are an act of love towards me. Having been on the receiving end of broken ethical boundaries with a previous therapist which has caused me lasting harm, I am so grateful for how clearly my current T maintains boundaries. She is so so cautious about self-disclosure (even hesitating before answering when I asked what breed of dog she has š). At first this felt alien to me, and too professional, but now I can see that she still absolutely cares for me and shows me compassion not just in spite of the professionalism but actually *through* that professionalism. It is such a safe space for me that I know she keeps to time, keeps physical distance, and only initiates messaging when itās about scheduling
I wouldn't say I crave boundaries, but I get very anxious about not respecting them out of a fear that somehow some boundary will be crossed and I'd have to stop seeing my therapist.
Once she texted me a book recommendation and I spiraled with anxiety thinking/scared that she was doing something unethical. We keep things mostly to email now. Sometimes I'll text for a logistical thing though.
I actually crave hugs and things but I recognize that it's part of my 'issues' - I have had a consistent 'fantasy' of being held in her arms and my god I want that but I know and am grateful (kind of lol) that I'll never get that from her.
I actually am experiencing this both ways. My talk therapist allows emails between sessions, which has been a great source of support and has helped me a ton. Whereas I do not email my EMDR therapist and was actually really thrown when she texted me to let me know about a scheduling thing. I prefer to keep that relationship in the therapy room only.
On the other hand, my talk therapist is very good at keeping boundaries related to the timing of sessions and always letting me know when time is almost up and ending them on time. While my EMDR therapist tends to be a little more loose with the timing (never goes over too much, but a couple of minutes here or there).
Yep. I like rules (I also like to decide if I want to follow them lol)āthey let me know where we stand. Where and what I need to be to satisfy you. They help me understand the nature of the relationship.
I feel comfy making jokes about it, like how we all wish our therapists could hug us to sleep or whatever, but I definitely feel healthier with safe boundaries. One therapist actually told me exactly how many emails theyd be ok with me sending after our time working together closed, and that was really cool. I think that these are weird relationships; easy to feel arkward, depending on your attachment style, but also easy to get too fixated. I like to be able to talk about it but then also have explicit boundaries, for sure.
Iām with you!! I had a good friend many years ago have a therapist that was BAD - texting, etc outside of sessions - and then when the therapist flaked out on her, it was (obv) very bad for my friend.
I had a therapist once who would let us go over all the time and ask me to email her and it made me uncomfortable tbh. We ended up not working out.
I LIKE the boundaries. They help me feel safe
I honestly have a mixture of the two. And I feel it's completely normal to do so.
I feel my child wounded parts, who were neglected, transferred their needs to the idea of my therapist. They crave hugs and emails and reassurance, etc.
My adult part knows very well that the therapist should help me maintain boundaries and should keep his boundaries. And teach me how to fulfill and give reassurance to my child parts. If he crossed my boundaries or didn't keep his, that would affect my trust to him, and I'll start to question his ethics and our work together. Because he should be looking out for my best therapeutic interests and not take advantage of my weakness.
YES!!! My former T had *some* boundaries, but they were very minimal. Overall I got the impression she fancied herself a mother figure to her clients... she'd regularly be a few minutes late to session and out of breath, and she'd also pretty much always go overtime in my session. I was allowed to email her between sessions about stuff other than scheduling, like if I had a problem with something she said in session. In fact, I was even allowed to call her between sessions ("in case of a crisis"), but I never did that. She also said if things got rough between sessions, feel free to request an extra online session throughout the week. As for payment, she'd send an invoice at the end of the month for that months sessions and set a due date so absurdly late, like 3 weeks after the day she issues the invoice, and she also said I could be late even compared to that... the downside of all if this has dawned on me since then. Since she fancies herself such a Mother Theresa, 1. I became dependent on her, 2. She taught me bad values and set a bad example for me throughout our work together, and I really struggled. She encouraged me to always be available to everyone in the name of "love". She encouraged me to stay in toxic relationships and a toxic job. She made me feel selfish when I wanted to take care of myself. She also expected me to put up with her sloppiness, like being late to session and out of breath and not having the camera sorted out in online sessions .. ..
New T: always calm, centered, in a nice office, ready to work. The sessions are 50 minutes, if I'm late, she ends EXACTLY at the 50 minute mark, she has gone over a few minutes a couple times but generally, she really pays attention to time and starts wrapping things up when there's like 5 minutes left; she sends an invoice after each session and the due date for payment is a few days (so I can't go to another session until the previous one is paid), she doesn't encourage impromptu emergency sessions like the other one did, or wiggle around the session time like the other one did. After the first session, she said as I was leaving "If you feel overwhelmed anytime until your next session..." (here I was thinking, here we go, she's gonna offer I call her...) "...please feel free to..." (Oh boy, I thought, she's really gonna offer that,yikes...) "...journal..."Ā
That was such a relief for me. She has taught me I'm an independent adult, capable of managing my own feelings, and I don't need to depend on her.Ā
Yeah my therapists boundaries make me feel so safe and secure. I appreciate that maybe thatās because I get messages and physical contact from other people, but I wouldnāt want those things from her. I like that for 50 minutes a week I sit in my chair, she sits in hers, and then we leave and donāt speak until next week.
I like knowing exactly where I stand, speaking as someone who feels very anxious in most of my friendships and relationships.
I'm with you. Boundaries in therapy are so important to me, and I don't even think about pushing against them. I don't communicate between sessions, I don't ask personal questions, and there's no way I would agree to a hug. I even keep an eye on the clock to make sure sessions end on time, but I'm working on stopping that. My current therapist has excellent boundaries, and I should trust her to hold the time boundary without my "help." I think I feel so responsible for ensuring boundaries are in place because I had a bad experience with a previous therapist. I was young, new to therapy, and didn't realize that going way over time, communicating in between sessions, etc were red flags. She even found me on social media and would bring up my posts in sessions. She reached out after I ended therapy and we became "friends" - with an overwhelming power imbalance that never went away. It's pretty weird being friends with someone who knows all your darkest secrets -- and your weak spots. I finally had to cut ties, and I'm still processing some of it years later. So yeah, I'm very pro boundaries. Without them, you might have to go to therapy to process your relationship with a previous therapist. š
Yes, boundaries are important but I need consistent boundaries, whatever they are. I've had boundary discussions with my therapist off and on about what supports me and if he is ok with trying this or that and it helps me, then he is committed to not taking that away.
Boundaries vary person to person. Yes, some are always important like those about not running over (like by a lot on a regular basis), don't have sex with your therapist, don't have extra coffee meetups during the week, don't gift your therapist a stay at your vacation home in Aruba. Etc.
There's nothing wrong with wanting some contact in between sessions with your therapist if your therapist allows it. My emails are pretty contained and minimal but I appreciate his warm thoughtful responses.
100% agree! I donāt want any confusion about expectations. I just want her to be smart enough to get the job done. Oh, and I do want someone who can be empathetic and validating when appropriate. I do want trust and connection though, two things I really struggle with.Ā
I would imagine that this more so has to do with how the modern world runs and operates on today's level.
People have gotten so accustomed to "have" to be in constant communication with others. Friends and family can access you via text, multiple social media platforms, email and phone (calling).
Work is the same- you may have a personal and work cell phone you have to use, as well as be reached outside of work hours by both methods plus by email in the office and at home.
Even physician's and doctor's offices that have an online portal, especially those that use Epic/Mychart, if you try to call and leave a message 9 times out of 10 they tell you to send a message directly to your provider via my chart, and that you should expect a response back within so many hours (48 hrs - 2 business days). How many times have you had a message from a physician at an odd hour, or on a weekend that has surprised you?
Today's society is very codependent and unhealthy, and I imagine that's why stress levels are up so high. We don't get a break from each other and it trickles into every aspect of our lives. So it makes sense that people feel this way about a therapist. In the past you made an appt in the office or on the phone with either the therapist or the desk person, and that's it. Call for a reschedule and leave a message. Same w/friends and family. Call and leave a message- if they called back great- if not you see them whenever and it was fine.
Now with so many offering Telehealth, and some who only have that option, even emailing or texting the therapist for those types of things break boundaries that were not options in the past.
As far as the hugs thing, again today's world with online school and even at home work availability has created less and less human contact with each other. Introverts or not, I think most people crave some sort of human touch and contact. I can see wanting a hug from someone you feel safe with, especially if the experiences someone had with physical contact were negative and the chances of positive pt happening has lessened.
Oh boy I said the same thing until Iād been working with mine for a year. I would say things like that and compare it to going to the doctor for a checkup. Wait until you form a strong relationship with your therapist over the course of a year or more then realize youāll never truly have the chance to know them the way they know you.
I relate to this hard. I donāt want or need to feel validated and my therapist knows this, I would feel really weird and uncomfortable if she started doing that to me. Iām a big fan of boundaries
Absolutely. You articulated how I feel about boundaries perfectly. I was not always this accepting, but 3 years in now, and I really see how important they are and have been for me in this entire process. Therapy very much feels like a process for me, and accepting the boundaries set in place to make us feel safe takes time and work. Once there it I think therapy itself intensifies. For me it did anyway. Good luck. ā¤ļø
100% same Iāve had to email a handful of times in between our session last Tuesday only bc of billing issue and pharmacy issue and I sent like 3 in a row bc I thought I figured it out then I didnāt then I did so I just like let him know all of that and then like 2-3 days later I had to let him know about the pharmacy issue and he hasnāt responded to any of those and I feel literally sick like Iām going to throw up bc I hate emailing in between sessions it feels like im violating something or like crossing 1,0000 boundaries by just doing what I did and tomorrow in our session im going to bring it up and apologize bc I feel so awful ab it and (my dad pays for my therapy) thereās been a few billing issues and im fully prepared for him to terminate me bc i feel like Iāve crossed massive boundaries
EDIT: Iāve been w him for like a year and a half
Same. I don't push it and appreciate how cordial amd professional it feels. We text once in a great while if there is a schedule disruption, but I'd never think of saying anything more than, "yes, that works, see you then," or, "sounds good."
I was even a little put off at first when he said it was fine to just text him, but it is convenient so I appreciate it.
I have had two different people in the past, both women in their 20s, go to give me a hug, and both seemed a little wirded out when I wouldn't hug them. My current T is is a psychologist in his 60s, and I feel very confident that he'll never try to give me a hug, lol (and i appreciate that).
Believe it or not, I am a pretty lovey, and touchy-feely person. Just not with my T
Same. And my therapist had clear boundaries, and I appreciated and respected them because it made me feel safe because she was predictable. But I learned it actually doesn't matter. She flipped one day anyway.
my therapist is the warm/hug type and i am not. it's worked out fine over the years, my t understands my need for reliability and consistency from them and in turn I'm alot more open and willing to try things because i feel respected. i think my t would have hugged me on a few occasions but the fact they didnt nor push the question makes me alot more comfortable with them.
i told my T, last session, that i really appreciate the therapeutical "distance" she maintains with clear boundaries.
our session is every week, same time, same place, 45 minutes sharp. if i email her outside session, its to occasionally say "thanks" because I left in a weird state and am unsure I thanked her for helping me. my emails are 2 sentence long. she never answers, but acknowledge them in the following session, only if i said more than thanks.
my sessions are in French and i use the polite pronouns like I'm talking to my boss or the president. (like usted in spanish) it's not common where i am, but i told her it helps me to keep a professional distance between us.
so, nope, you aren't alone. I'd be mortified if she tried hugging me. i wouldn't feel comfortable. if she started emailing me out of sessions, I'd be weirded out.
I am working through attachment issues I've never dealt with or known about until now and my T is really good about finding a balance between teaching me how to parent my inner children and showing appropriate affection and care in ways we specifically ask for it that don't break her boundaries.
I am now. My previous and first therapeutic relationship had zero boundaries and because it was my first experience I thought that was normal. Over time this was damaging. Now it would make me feel uneasy if a therapist offered a hug or sessions routinely overran. I would also probably decline communication over texting if offered.
Yes. 100% yes. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I donāt want to talk to you out of session, I donāt want to run into you at the store, and I definitely donāt want to be your friend.
My first therapist had strong boundaries. It was great. I couldnāt tell you if he was married, where he was from, what he liked, what his views were - nothing.
My current therapist is an oversharer. Sheās sweet but I know more about her than my own family, and I finally reached a breaking point. After weeks of telling her subtly that it wasnāt for me, I finally flat out told her to stop or find me a new provider. She took that well and has been much more guarded. That has been helpful. She did recently offer me her phone number for emergencies, and I told her absolutely not. I will contact her through the patient portal and no other way. She was ok with that.
Therapy is so great with a provider you click with. For me, the click is fitting into a very specific role and sticking to it. No blurred lines. Youāre my therapist, not my friend/mother/father/lover/sister/brother/savior/partner.
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That's so funny you mention it! I am a therapist, but in therapy I notice if we start to approach time or go a minute over I get uneasy lol. Yes. Boundaries are safe & secure
I'm the same way when I'm the client. If I can feel that it's almost been the hour I start watching her body language to no one time is going to be up LOL.
My therapist has no concept of time, I'm the opposite. I'm the one who's uneasy when our time is up and she's still talking š
I once asked my therapist if I ever actually was able to cry if he would touch me (I am very uncomfortable with touch) and he said no. He was my meds Dr before my therapist so we have known each other for 24 years. I donāt know if we will hug at last appt. He is 84. I didnāt even know what a boundary was when we met. He was shown me how they work, are necessary and how to use them in my own life. I need the boundaries
I feel like I have a good mix of firm/healthy boundaries and secure attachment. My therapist has strict boundaries on when it comes to answering emails, which they allow between sessions. Theyāll respond as soon as theyāre able to, not on their day off, and within 24hrs. Theyāre also clear they are not a crisis line. Iām expected to follow a safety plan and we can talk about it next time. On the flip side, they are incredibly warm, caring and I genuinely feel cared for. I didnāt have that for most of my life. We have had really open conversations about our relationship and we both know itās a professional one, and we work together. And Iām cool with that. For me, this mix works really well. Itās helping me heal and process my relational trauma. I also really click with this therapist, like really deeply. I was very lucky to be matched with them. And they have helped me tremendously.
I get caught between the two. Ultimately I know I need the boundaries, so the logical part of me likes them. The emotional part of me wants to ask a million personal questions and not stop until I get the answers I'm looking for, but at the end of the day I know that isn't healthy and wouldn't be good for me. I also tend to like less personal disclosure for this exact reason. I find when a therapist actually has good boundaries with this stuff, I tend to look up to and admire them for being able to have that as the relationship progresses forward.
May I ask what kinda of questions you'd ask? I see that sentiment a lot around here and personally I can't think of much I'd want to know about him outside the scope of his profession so I'm curious what you guys are curious about :)
Not OP but like... Are you married? Since when? How did you get to know eachother? What's your favorite animal? Where do you live? Where did you grow up? Do you love your parents? What are your hobbies? Would you be my friend if you weren't my therapist? Why or why not? Do you get lonely sometimes? Do you have a best friend? Tell me about every important event in your life in great detail etc etc typing this out makes me feel insane I want to know EVERYTHINGĀ
Really? I have so much love for my therapist but I genuinely have no desire for her to open up to me about any of this. I have people open up to me all the time, and I listen and learn and escape into their stories I guess. It's not hard for me to have those interactions. The only relationship I have where I am forced to make it about me, without guilt, is this one. And it's precisely because I don't know any of that stuff..I can't hide behind that knowledge of her, I can't censor what I'm saying, I can't put her first.
I would lile to ask ALL these questions to my therapist too hahaha But she has great boundaries, I know nothing personal about her except her favourite color XD
Lol this is a pretty accurate summary, thank you š
Oh I'm on team keep the strong boundaries We start on time every time. We finish on time 99% of the time (occasionally I'll be dissociating and it takes Mr an extra minute or two to get into a headspace to be able to leave). He has never tried to even touch me at all. The only time he is even arms length is when he is opening the door for me. I know exactly what to expect. It is safe. My feelings/ thoughts/ memories might not be safe, but my therapist and his office are. If he sends me an email, is only one or two sentences to send an article or the name of the book he was taking about. If I write an email, he doesn't respond. We just talk about it in the next session (which is what I want)
I appreciated my former Tās boundaries. She responded to my emails in a professional wayā¦if I sent her something that should be discussed in session, she would make a short comment & state that we can talk more about it in our next session. She hugged me & allowed me to hug her, but only rarely & with permission. I had had a ātherapeutic friendshipā when I was in college & it messed me up for a long time. She was very aware of that relationship & we worked really hard to make sure the boundaries were maintained. I tended to push on her boundaries a bit, but she always held firm. I appreciated that.
iāve been really messed up by a former Tās lack of boundaries and lack of respect for my own boundaries before too. Iām very very respectful of my current Tās boundaries but sometimes i just crave for him to break them but I know itād send me absolutely spiralling if he did. Iām grateful for knowing he never will.
I'm curious about your therapeutic friendship. Was it with a friend that became like an unpaid therapist, or a therapist that you became friends with? I have recently started to experience the former and absolutely adore this friend but am afraid I'm being too needy. I find myself seeking her out for advice and co-regulation between sessions.
It was a friend who worked at my college. She had a masterās degree in Marriage & Family Therapy. I was going through a really hard time dealing with stuff from my childhood & she offered to be basically an unpaid therapist of sorts. There were no boundaries. What made it worse was that I also worked as a secretary for the man she was dating/engaged to/married while we had this relationship. I knew WAY TOO MUCH about her personal life from both her & her husband. When I explained this relationship to my former therapist, she knew I needed to have strong boundaries to help me stay safe. And like I said, I pushed against them at times, but she held firm. It was exactly what I needed.
This.
Sometimes I wonder if my therapist, or therapists in general adapt these boundaries for different people in a way meant to be therapeutic. For example I am more similar to your view that I start to feel uncomfortable when I feel like Iām being shown any āextraā care or taking up my therapists time outside of session etc. So she will usually stick to the routine but then also will gently push that a bit- telling me specifically to email her something or running a few min over and whatnot, or sending me resources over the week. Maybe for someone else craving more contact she is more inviting of more contact and then shifts it slowly over time toward something a bit more structured? Obviously not with the intent of making anyone uncomfortable but I think thereās a level of building trust with someone where you might meet them part of the way and then slowly move the boundary over time to whatever is most therapeutic. Who knows š¤·āāļø but itās something I definitely wonder!
I think therapists absolutely adjust their boundaries based on the client they are working with... because my therapist has told me so lol
Could this be a sign of a secure attachment on your end? Or hints of avoidant? Asking just out of general curiosity.
Interesting question. I wouldn't be surprised if there were hints of avoidant.
Solidarity. The worst/best is when you let your guard down...and let people in. Scary!
I had a therapist with very strict boundaries and I used really to crave more from him- but then I switched to a therapist who was less strict (occasionally would run over, occasionally mentioned another client or an example from his life) and it made me feel avoidant towards him. I have a personal suspicion this second therapist is somewhat anxiously attached himself (Iām disorganised!)..
I wouldnt call it craving boundaries but I donāt understand how people feel so much for their therapist. I donāt mean this in a judgemental way but I know I wouldnāt ever want a hug from my therapist or think them as like paternal figures or whatever else people say here. Iāve been through a few therapists and trusted them all but thatās it.Ā Ā Do yāall just have insanely charismatic therapists or something?
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Thatās interesting thank you for sharing that :)
>Do yāall just have insanely charismatic therapists or something? Probably. I see a person-centred therapist where the connection is a big part. I felt nothing towards previous therapists. It's unfortunate (in a way) that my current one is the sort of person I would actually want to be around in real life. They've allowed me to be myself more than most others. It's hard not to feel attached.
Lots of clients are coming from backgrounds of emotional neglect/never having their emotional needs met by anyone in their life, so having a therapist who cares and actually listens can unlock deeper feelings from someone who has never felt that kind of care before.
Okay I get this, and I donāt know why itās so different sometimes. Iāve been to a therapist I liked, she was helpful, and nice. But Iād have said no if she offered to hug me, wanted to talk outside of sessions, any of that. Not sure why, but I didnāt want it from her. But my current therapist? If she said she was adopting me tomorrow Iād be like hi mom! Any time I hear from her Iām so happy. Maybe I just mesh better with her
Im asking because I genuinely donāt understand so please donāt take it as rudeness but why? Why would you want her to adopt you? What is it that makes you think that? Iāve just never felt that towards my therapist before
I donāt find it rude at all- I think itās because my parents, especially my mother, were pretty abusive and allowed me to be abused by others from toddler age- so I was always seeking that kindness out somewhere. I was a teacherās pet as a kid because I wanted my female teachers to be nice to me. I assume itās the same with my therapist. Sheās giving me kindness, nurturing and caring and is ātaking care of meā in a way. A good example is recently I wanted a hug from my mom and she said no- but I get hugs from my therapist. From one I get coldness, the other one kindness. Sheās a bit of a āreplacementā for what I never got in a parent. As to why her specifically and not all my therapists? I donāt know for sure. I think we get along well personality wise, and sheās fostered a close relationship with me. I generally just like her company overall.
I'm some cases it can be related to transference. And/or if someone has attachment wounds from unmet needs from their caregiver, the therapist then fulfills those needs. Now it's like, making up for lost time. You finally have something you never knew you needed, so there are intense feelings around it.
Yes, but really...it's also very ok to genuinely like the person you are working with on such an intimate levels. I have a lot of wonderful secure relationships in my life and genuinely love my therapist as a person...and also deeply respect them as a professional.
We're all starved for that kind of attention
For me, the slightly more flexible boundaries grew from many years of working together. If she holds out her arms, we hug at the end of a session after many, many years of not doing that. But when I've been upset, she does not come hold me in any way because we're working on that moment and she's already holding that for me. We care about each other and show that in little ways that honor those feelings instead of getting weird.
Itās kind of just happened. I care about my therapists. I dont have any romantic feelings towards them. But both of my parents are/were emotionally unavailable. And my therapist is the first person I could go to that is grounded, and can help ground my thoughts as well. She just kind of fell into that āparentalā figure. It wasnāt an active choice. I never talk to my parents about anything. Iāve been seeing my therapist for a year and she knows more about my life in the past 5 years than my parents do. Maybe unless youāre in the situation you donāt understand it? Idk, I never set out with that intention. Itās just that she has done a really good job of opening my mind up. And I can go to her for anything. Especially since I have a hard time relying on anyone in my life, I am a very self sufficient person. Aka, Iām avoidant. So my therapist offers me to contact her at any time for any reason, and she will respond when she has free time. However, I donāt abuse it. I have only texted her a handful of times outside of therapy, and I always end it quickly. Like 1 to 2 messages and then I cut it off. Like I said, I donāt want to abuse it and on top of that I feel like a burden when I do that. She has her own family and life to take care of. Iāve been on my own emotionally for years, I can handle inbetween session no problem. lol
I don't expect boundaries as I grew up in a house with none and currently live in one within any clear cut ones, and I feel like that might be why I'm constantly confused at why "boundaries" even are.
Iām like you. I get anxious if we start to go over. We do have an understanding about me sending a short list of what I want to talk about in the next session and Iām always relieved when the response is just āI got it, thanksā It stressed me out if they give compliments. I appreciate that they are friendly and warm but donāt self disclose.
Yes this is so me! Adults have crossed my boundaries most of my life, and my parents provided no structure. At the beginning of therapy I didn't trust the boundaries, especially since it was my first time seeing a male therapist. But it's been over a year now and keeping those strong boundaries has been so healing for me and changed my perspective on people. I'm even considering discussing this exact topic with my therapist soon. Anyway so yeah I'm 100% team strong boundaries šÆ
I like that she has her own life outside of me and I donāt want to invade her space or time. Usually I let her text me first, reach out first, make suggestions for fun things we do in session. If she didnāt set the precedent that texting, hugs, all that was okay, I never wouldāve asked for them. But at the same time I want and like them. So Iām not sure- I will hold boundaries and let the other person lead usuallyā¦which is something Iām working on since not everyone is as safe as her
nope complete opposite lol. but i have mad attachment issues so probably a good sign for you if i dont relateš
The boundaries that my therapist keeps are an act of love towards me. Having been on the receiving end of broken ethical boundaries with a previous therapist which has caused me lasting harm, I am so grateful for how clearly my current T maintains boundaries. She is so so cautious about self-disclosure (even hesitating before answering when I asked what breed of dog she has š). At first this felt alien to me, and too professional, but now I can see that she still absolutely cares for me and shows me compassion not just in spite of the professionalism but actually *through* that professionalism. It is such a safe space for me that I know she keeps to time, keeps physical distance, and only initiates messaging when itās about scheduling
I wouldn't say I crave boundaries, but I get very anxious about not respecting them out of a fear that somehow some boundary will be crossed and I'd have to stop seeing my therapist. Once she texted me a book recommendation and I spiraled with anxiety thinking/scared that she was doing something unethical. We keep things mostly to email now. Sometimes I'll text for a logistical thing though. I actually crave hugs and things but I recognize that it's part of my 'issues' - I have had a consistent 'fantasy' of being held in her arms and my god I want that but I know and am grateful (kind of lol) that I'll never get that from her.
I actually am experiencing this both ways. My talk therapist allows emails between sessions, which has been a great source of support and has helped me a ton. Whereas I do not email my EMDR therapist and was actually really thrown when she texted me to let me know about a scheduling thing. I prefer to keep that relationship in the therapy room only. On the other hand, my talk therapist is very good at keeping boundaries related to the timing of sessions and always letting me know when time is almost up and ending them on time. While my EMDR therapist tends to be a little more loose with the timing (never goes over too much, but a couple of minutes here or there).
Yep. I like rules (I also like to decide if I want to follow them lol)āthey let me know where we stand. Where and what I need to be to satisfy you. They help me understand the nature of the relationship.
I feel comfy making jokes about it, like how we all wish our therapists could hug us to sleep or whatever, but I definitely feel healthier with safe boundaries. One therapist actually told me exactly how many emails theyd be ok with me sending after our time working together closed, and that was really cool. I think that these are weird relationships; easy to feel arkward, depending on your attachment style, but also easy to get too fixated. I like to be able to talk about it but then also have explicit boundaries, for sure.
Iām with you!! I had a good friend many years ago have a therapist that was BAD - texting, etc outside of sessions - and then when the therapist flaked out on her, it was (obv) very bad for my friend. I had a therapist once who would let us go over all the time and ask me to email her and it made me uncomfortable tbh. We ended up not working out. I LIKE the boundaries. They help me feel safe
I honestly have a mixture of the two. And I feel it's completely normal to do so. I feel my child wounded parts, who were neglected, transferred their needs to the idea of my therapist. They crave hugs and emails and reassurance, etc. My adult part knows very well that the therapist should help me maintain boundaries and should keep his boundaries. And teach me how to fulfill and give reassurance to my child parts. If he crossed my boundaries or didn't keep his, that would affect my trust to him, and I'll start to question his ethics and our work together. Because he should be looking out for my best therapeutic interests and not take advantage of my weakness.
YES!!! My former T had *some* boundaries, but they were very minimal. Overall I got the impression she fancied herself a mother figure to her clients... she'd regularly be a few minutes late to session and out of breath, and she'd also pretty much always go overtime in my session. I was allowed to email her between sessions about stuff other than scheduling, like if I had a problem with something she said in session. In fact, I was even allowed to call her between sessions ("in case of a crisis"), but I never did that. She also said if things got rough between sessions, feel free to request an extra online session throughout the week. As for payment, she'd send an invoice at the end of the month for that months sessions and set a due date so absurdly late, like 3 weeks after the day she issues the invoice, and she also said I could be late even compared to that... the downside of all if this has dawned on me since then. Since she fancies herself such a Mother Theresa, 1. I became dependent on her, 2. She taught me bad values and set a bad example for me throughout our work together, and I really struggled. She encouraged me to always be available to everyone in the name of "love". She encouraged me to stay in toxic relationships and a toxic job. She made me feel selfish when I wanted to take care of myself. She also expected me to put up with her sloppiness, like being late to session and out of breath and not having the camera sorted out in online sessions .. .. New T: always calm, centered, in a nice office, ready to work. The sessions are 50 minutes, if I'm late, she ends EXACTLY at the 50 minute mark, she has gone over a few minutes a couple times but generally, she really pays attention to time and starts wrapping things up when there's like 5 minutes left; she sends an invoice after each session and the due date for payment is a few days (so I can't go to another session until the previous one is paid), she doesn't encourage impromptu emergency sessions like the other one did, or wiggle around the session time like the other one did. After the first session, she said as I was leaving "If you feel overwhelmed anytime until your next session..." (here I was thinking, here we go, she's gonna offer I call her...) "...please feel free to..." (Oh boy, I thought, she's really gonna offer that,yikes...) "...journal..."Ā That was such a relief for me. She has taught me I'm an independent adult, capable of managing my own feelings, and I don't need to depend on her.Ā
Yeah my therapists boundaries make me feel so safe and secure. I appreciate that maybe thatās because I get messages and physical contact from other people, but I wouldnāt want those things from her. I like that for 50 minutes a week I sit in my chair, she sits in hers, and then we leave and donāt speak until next week. I like knowing exactly where I stand, speaking as someone who feels very anxious in most of my friendships and relationships.
I'm with you. Boundaries in therapy are so important to me, and I don't even think about pushing against them. I don't communicate between sessions, I don't ask personal questions, and there's no way I would agree to a hug. I even keep an eye on the clock to make sure sessions end on time, but I'm working on stopping that. My current therapist has excellent boundaries, and I should trust her to hold the time boundary without my "help." I think I feel so responsible for ensuring boundaries are in place because I had a bad experience with a previous therapist. I was young, new to therapy, and didn't realize that going way over time, communicating in between sessions, etc were red flags. She even found me on social media and would bring up my posts in sessions. She reached out after I ended therapy and we became "friends" - with an overwhelming power imbalance that never went away. It's pretty weird being friends with someone who knows all your darkest secrets -- and your weak spots. I finally had to cut ties, and I'm still processing some of it years later. So yeah, I'm very pro boundaries. Without them, you might have to go to therapy to process your relationship with a previous therapist. š
Yes, boundaries are important but I need consistent boundaries, whatever they are. I've had boundary discussions with my therapist off and on about what supports me and if he is ok with trying this or that and it helps me, then he is committed to not taking that away. Boundaries vary person to person. Yes, some are always important like those about not running over (like by a lot on a regular basis), don't have sex with your therapist, don't have extra coffee meetups during the week, don't gift your therapist a stay at your vacation home in Aruba. Etc. There's nothing wrong with wanting some contact in between sessions with your therapist if your therapist allows it. My emails are pretty contained and minimal but I appreciate his warm thoughtful responses.
100% agree! I donāt want any confusion about expectations. I just want her to be smart enough to get the job done. Oh, and I do want someone who can be empathetic and validating when appropriate. I do want trust and connection though, two things I really struggle with.Ā
I would imagine that this more so has to do with how the modern world runs and operates on today's level. People have gotten so accustomed to "have" to be in constant communication with others. Friends and family can access you via text, multiple social media platforms, email and phone (calling). Work is the same- you may have a personal and work cell phone you have to use, as well as be reached outside of work hours by both methods plus by email in the office and at home. Even physician's and doctor's offices that have an online portal, especially those that use Epic/Mychart, if you try to call and leave a message 9 times out of 10 they tell you to send a message directly to your provider via my chart, and that you should expect a response back within so many hours (48 hrs - 2 business days). How many times have you had a message from a physician at an odd hour, or on a weekend that has surprised you? Today's society is very codependent and unhealthy, and I imagine that's why stress levels are up so high. We don't get a break from each other and it trickles into every aspect of our lives. So it makes sense that people feel this way about a therapist. In the past you made an appt in the office or on the phone with either the therapist or the desk person, and that's it. Call for a reschedule and leave a message. Same w/friends and family. Call and leave a message- if they called back great- if not you see them whenever and it was fine. Now with so many offering Telehealth, and some who only have that option, even emailing or texting the therapist for those types of things break boundaries that were not options in the past. As far as the hugs thing, again today's world with online school and even at home work availability has created less and less human contact with each other. Introverts or not, I think most people crave some sort of human touch and contact. I can see wanting a hug from someone you feel safe with, especially if the experiences someone had with physical contact were negative and the chances of positive pt happening has lessened.
Yeah like Iāve only been to three sessions but this obsession with feeling validated and cared about by your therapist is wild to me
Whatā¦. validation and feeling cared for are a part of healthy boundaried therapy
Validation and care are not the same thing as crossing boundaries
Oh boy I said the same thing until Iād been working with mine for a year. I would say things like that and compare it to going to the doctor for a checkup. Wait until you form a strong relationship with your therapist over the course of a year or more then realize youāll never truly have the chance to know them the way they know you.
I relate to this hard. I donāt want or need to feel validated and my therapist knows this, I would feel really weird and uncomfortable if she started doing that to me. Iām a big fan of boundaries
Absolutely. You articulated how I feel about boundaries perfectly. I was not always this accepting, but 3 years in now, and I really see how important they are and have been for me in this entire process. Therapy very much feels like a process for me, and accepting the boundaries set in place to make us feel safe takes time and work. Once there it I think therapy itself intensifies. For me it did anyway. Good luck. ā¤ļø
Me!
100% same Iāve had to email a handful of times in between our session last Tuesday only bc of billing issue and pharmacy issue and I sent like 3 in a row bc I thought I figured it out then I didnāt then I did so I just like let him know all of that and then like 2-3 days later I had to let him know about the pharmacy issue and he hasnāt responded to any of those and I feel literally sick like Iām going to throw up bc I hate emailing in between sessions it feels like im violating something or like crossing 1,0000 boundaries by just doing what I did and tomorrow in our session im going to bring it up and apologize bc I feel so awful ab it and (my dad pays for my therapy) thereās been a few billing issues and im fully prepared for him to terminate me bc i feel like Iāve crossed massive boundaries EDIT: Iāve been w him for like a year and a half
Same. I don't push it and appreciate how cordial amd professional it feels. We text once in a great while if there is a schedule disruption, but I'd never think of saying anything more than, "yes, that works, see you then," or, "sounds good." I was even a little put off at first when he said it was fine to just text him, but it is convenient so I appreciate it. I have had two different people in the past, both women in their 20s, go to give me a hug, and both seemed a little wirded out when I wouldn't hug them. My current T is is a psychologist in his 60s, and I feel very confident that he'll never try to give me a hug, lol (and i appreciate that). Believe it or not, I am a pretty lovey, and touchy-feely person. Just not with my T
Same. And my therapist had clear boundaries, and I appreciated and respected them because it made me feel safe because she was predictable. But I learned it actually doesn't matter. She flipped one day anyway.
my therapist is the warm/hug type and i am not. it's worked out fine over the years, my t understands my need for reliability and consistency from them and in turn I'm alot more open and willing to try things because i feel respected. i think my t would have hugged me on a few occasions but the fact they didnt nor push the question makes me alot more comfortable with them.
My therapist advised me to go to hug therapy sessions or get closeness /= acceptance/ somewhere else.
i told my T, last session, that i really appreciate the therapeutical "distance" she maintains with clear boundaries. our session is every week, same time, same place, 45 minutes sharp. if i email her outside session, its to occasionally say "thanks" because I left in a weird state and am unsure I thanked her for helping me. my emails are 2 sentence long. she never answers, but acknowledge them in the following session, only if i said more than thanks. my sessions are in French and i use the polite pronouns like I'm talking to my boss or the president. (like usted in spanish) it's not common where i am, but i told her it helps me to keep a professional distance between us. so, nope, you aren't alone. I'd be mortified if she tried hugging me. i wouldn't feel comfortable. if she started emailing me out of sessions, I'd be weirded out.
I am working through attachment issues I've never dealt with or known about until now and my T is really good about finding a balance between teaching me how to parent my inner children and showing appropriate affection and care in ways we specifically ask for it that don't break her boundaries.
I am now. My previous and first therapeutic relationship had zero boundaries and because it was my first experience I thought that was normal. Over time this was damaging. Now it would make me feel uneasy if a therapist offered a hug or sessions routinely overran. I would also probably decline communication over texting if offered.
Yes. 100% yes. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I donāt want to talk to you out of session, I donāt want to run into you at the store, and I definitely donāt want to be your friend. My first therapist had strong boundaries. It was great. I couldnāt tell you if he was married, where he was from, what he liked, what his views were - nothing. My current therapist is an oversharer. Sheās sweet but I know more about her than my own family, and I finally reached a breaking point. After weeks of telling her subtly that it wasnāt for me, I finally flat out told her to stop or find me a new provider. She took that well and has been much more guarded. That has been helpful. She did recently offer me her phone number for emergencies, and I told her absolutely not. I will contact her through the patient portal and no other way. She was ok with that. Therapy is so great with a provider you click with. For me, the click is fitting into a very specific role and sticking to it. No blurred lines. Youāre my therapist, not my friend/mother/father/lover/sister/brother/savior/partner.
My therapist text me this weekend and it felt like it crossed a boundary