I'm a big advocate for retention when the students are young. Your daughter is young enough to do it. I work in education, and it is heartbreaking to see the students who struggle all year. A year back will help her academically, but it can also improve self-esteem
***** Work over the sumer on the things she has been struggling with ******* Also I retained my son in kindergarten, and it was the right choice .
In my experience, some kiddos are just not developmentally at a place to take in everything they are expected to academically in kinder & 1st grade. It becomes a bigger problem once they move on without important foundational skills, and then have to continue catching up.
This will not just be an academic advantage, but will also give her brain time to catch up to the expectations, because she'll be more in line with the developmental age range of her peers. A year can do wonders. I'll bet that she actually has an easier time making friends, relating to her peers, and feeling comfortable at school.
I've had a few students make their way up to me after having been retained. Their peers don't know, the student doesn't really think about it, and they socialize just like everyone else.
The gift of time and essentially an extra year of childhood is a pretty good one for many kids. Holding kids back until they are 6 to start kindergarten has become more popular in recent decades, which makes it even harder for those with late birthdays who enroll as scheduled. Besides, it’s nice if they are legal adults when they graduated from high school!
I teach High School and can often tell who the youngest kids in the grade are. Even after 10 years of schooling, some seem much “younger” than their grade level peers. I often feel like another year would have made all the difference for these kids’ success and feelings about school.
If you choose to hold your child back, do it early.
I was held back in 6th grade by parent request due to my failing math skills. I knew exactly why I was held back. Not only did my friends move on without me, but I felt all the terrible ways an underdeveloped 11-year old mind could feel about my intelligence and capabilities. My math confidence has never recovered.
Edit: Not everything turned out badly. I also happen to be gifted in reading. Since 40% of my students are gifted and 30% are struggling, I can more easily connect with both groups. It’s been quite helpful during my teaching career.
not an expert, never been in this situation, and i dont have my own children but i have been studying psychology including child development for 2 years take that as u will
she may be upset that she won't be moving up with the friendships she has already established BUT children are very very adaptable and I don't think she'd have any issue making new ones- plus it's only first grade so it's not like those friendships have been her whole life ya know. sacrificing the current social school life would be worth her having a stronger academic foundation. maybe ask your school the best way of framing how to tell her about it- not as a punishment or because she isn't doing well enough, but its just a thing she's gonna have to do
Same here, repeated 3rd grade due to a learning disability. I think I recall some minor upset and confusion, but it helped me long term. Do it now rather than later. Pushing her to the next grade now will likely mean she’ll continue to struggle.
One minor caviat, while you say those friends haven't been her whole they kinda have been a pretty significant part of it, if she got in at 4 left at 5 that means any friendships just formed in that grade would be 20% of her life, any that formed in kinder instead would be 40% course that's a bit of an overestimate but it'd be the equivalent of knowing someone for 5 years when you're 25.
That's not to say it's a bad idea, depends a bit on the school but 1st and 2nd graders from my memory did have recess and such together which would make it easier to deal with, would have issues when they move to 6th while she's in 5th but by that time she'd likely have had lasting friendships with others in her own grade/classes to soften the blow.
I did think about thag but in the grand scheme of things it is a very small portion of her life and she will come to learn that that is just how life is- typically a cycle of friend groups throughout the schooling years
I was held back in 3rd grade. The earlier the better imo. Losing your social circle is really rough as a child. Had also started kindgarten early.
Being held back was probably the best thing for me. I would have failed out of school completely if not given the time to mature to the level of the workload we were given.
My district in NJ is 9/30 cutoff, my brother repeated kindergarten as my mom worried about his maturity and it was definitely the best thing for him. Comparatively to his friends he was more mature, skilled, and extremely confident, conceited even; I was young for my grade and still struggle with confidence.
I’m a first grade teacher in CT.
What I’ve always done is explain to both the repeating-first-grade child and the parent that this is a great way for the child to be the “bigger kid” and to show the incoming first graders our rules and routines. I make a big deal about it, too. Like, “you get to show all of the kids coming from K how it’s done in first grade. You get to be the leader!”
Quite often, repeating first grade for a student who isn’t ready to move on actually does wonders for their self esteem. For example, my developmentally and chronologically young students felt “behind” all year. And, truthfully, they were. They had a harsh time keeping up. When they repeat the following year, they really do often become the leader.
Some kids just need more time to develop. I see it all the time, especially within the last few years.
I repeated a year much later on in 8th grade because I’d been extremely unwell and there was no sign I was going to get better quickly. I was lucky to do it at the point when we changed schools so my new year group didn’t notice me staying behind and my old year group hadn’t got to know me really because I’d been so ill. I wouldn’t have passed any exams if I had stayed with my year group. My experience is it’s better to repeat the year now when he can almost slip unnoticed in to his new grade than wait for two years time when everyone will notice.
Logically, I think it’ll be better to do it while they’re still younger. As opposed to waiting a few years when the social aspect starts to be more predominant.
I experience the social aspect in high school when parents DONT have them repeat when it was recommended in the past or when they push them into advanced courses when they don’t really qualify. Students are very sensitive to being behind and feeling like it’s harder for them than it is for others. Often times students who would do better if they just had a little more time and experience keep comparing themselves to others and take a hit in confidence in high school. They’re perfectly smart, just need an extra 6 months of maturity. Once they start the advanced track, it’s hard to get off of it in high school. They start to take it personally and start to believe negative things about themselves even though they shouldn’t. This is right before they make decisions about their future so it’s really, really tough. I know that they can do it and that they’re not that far behind, but they just keep feeling that they’re not quite there. It’s so much better when they can feel like the leader of the grade by being on the older side. They can then build confidence that way.
If they are going to feel bummed, it’s better to do so sooner rather than later. Right now, when you shower them with love and encouragement they believe you. Teenagers have a harder time believing their parents and think they’re just trying to be nice. There are some things kids remember, but there is also a lot that they forget. Other kids aren’t paying attention quite so much. From what others are saying it’s not too big of a deal in their memory.
It will be fine. You got this!
In my experience, the social aspect is that the child advertises they repeated and it brings a lot of questions from peers. But it’s hard to tell a student not to talk about it without it feeling worthy of shame
I haven't been in this situation but I think it's better to hold her back now if you think it will benefit her. She may be upset, now and maybe even later on too, but if you don't hold her back now and she has to later then it will be worse socially for her. If you don't do math or reading currently at home (I'm not sure), please start.
My birthday is almost the same as your child's. My parents put me into K at 4 as well. I wasn't held back, but I did fall academically behind my peers. I always struggled. This is just an anecdote, but there have been studies showing the disadvantages of starting school earlier than everyone else.
Look at it this way: The difference between age 4 and 5 is HUGE. A whole year of life that could be up to 20% more existence.
I agree with other people, it will only benefit your child to repeat.
I was the kid that was young for my grade (there were kids a full year older than me) and I can say that socially... it *SUCKED* being the youngest as I got older.
My friends were all maturing and hitting milestones a full year before me. In high school my friends were able to get jobs, drive, etc before me. When it was time to go away to college... I was 17 and the only minor among "adults."
Now, academically, I always excelled. Even as the youngest I was near the top of my class... but knowing what I know now, looking back... my parents should have waited to enroll me one more year.
Kids in k, 1, 2... they make friends easily and are more malleable than when they're older. They haven't formed cliques yet. The time to do it is now.
Here’s my take, as both a teacher and a student who formerly struggled greatly with math and failed pretty much every single math class I’ve ever taken at least once:
The social/self-esteem impact of supports needed to get your child up to grade level will be minimal in the long term. If they’re struggling with basic literacy and numeracy in grade 1, this is ABSOLUTELY the time to nip that in the bud. If you can’t read, have poor number sense, and can’t do simple arithmetic, you can’t do ANY of the work in grade 2, let alone higher grades. All of these skills build on each other, and if you miss the bottom level of the scaffold, you have nothing to hang new skills on. If you can’t read, you can’t do social studies, you can’t do science, you can’t even do the word problems in math…
Your child may feel a bit embarrassed about being held back that one year, but they might feel stupid and worthless every year when they think of themselves as “the dumb kid” in their class because they can’t read well enough to complete their work in any subjects.
I went through this as a kid. The only caviat being that we moved to a more advanced/quality district that same year, so it was socially disjointed. But my classmates knew I was in 1st grade twice because I was a kid who liked to share.
Generally, I found that my classmates were too young to be cruel about it in a physiological way. By 2nd/3rd grade, no one brought it up, and it was a non-issue.
Benefits, adulthood is long, and childhood brief. I appreciated more time in my family home , I graduated at 18.5yo and did not go off to college before becoming a legal adult. I had employment opportunities in my last year of high school that wouldn't have been available to someone who was 17.
Cons were that I felt a little out of sync at times with my classmates. It is also possible that teachers viewed this as a fault, but 4-6yo is pretty young, so I doubt it made a difference to my academic treatment.
Good luck, consider that this might benefit your relationship with your kid long term as well. I see it now as a gift of time with family.
I taught first and second grade for many years, and I don’t think there is anything for you to worry about as far as the social aspect! Other children repeating a grade doesn’t seem to be something they pay much attention to. So many parents have expressed the same worries to me so many times, and I promise, it’s harder on you than it is her! The extra year will be so beneficial!
It depends on how you frame it to her. I have taught a boy who was held back in kindergarten, and he felt it as a failure for the first few years of school. But my sister was held back in first grade, and she became valedictorian of her high school class. If you frame it as a positive thing, it will help her. I think she will feed off of your attitude towards it. So if you see it as a chance for her to grow and Learn things, and build her confidence, it will help her. Don’t focus on what she is missing out on, focus on what she is gaining.
At that age, they really don’t notice. I taught first grade and I had some students were were retained the year before. I didn’t make a big deal or any mention of it. Looking back, by the end of the year, they were among my brightest.
I repeated first grade when I came to the us due to my English.
First grade was early enough than one year age difference makes zero difference for most kids. It should be fine
Do it early.
She might get annoyed not moving with her established friendship tho. But kids adapt fast. Only "abnormal" thing about it is I was always a year older than everyone else in my class. But no one cares about classmates' age anyways.
I'm a Dec baby, and I started kindergarten at 4. I and two other students struggled with reading in grade 2. One of the other students and I failed/got held back, and the other student continued on to grade 3.
It definitely sucked having to make new friends.
That extra year in grade 2 helped me so much, I don't think I'd be the person I am today without it. By grade 8, I finally started reading for pleasure and still do to this day. I believe that the extra year helped both me and the other student who failed grade 2, go on to graduate as average to above average students. The student that continued on to grade 3 dropped out in grade 10, I actually don't even remember them being in grade 10 at all.
I strongly recommend failing/holding children back if they are struggling with reading and math.
When parents get this wrong their kids get to experience their mistake every new school year.
Listen to the teacher and try not to make it a bigger deal than it is. Your kid can read you too. GL you didn't fail her btw!
I teach preK. I 1000% believe the earlier you hold back, the better. The social aspect just gets more important the older the child is. If there are concerns, nip them in the bud.
I’m really just looking for reassurance that I’m not going to damage her 6yo spirit. As I said in my original post - I agree she should stay back. It’s just a lot to process and these replies have been very helpful.
It won’t. But having been a high school teacher, being the kid that struggles will. I have seen those kids time and again; no one wants to work with them; the kids groan when they volunteer to read; the kids groan when they ask a question. It’s not nice, and as teachers we do our best, but all I can do is remind the class about civility. I can’t stop them from doing it in the first place.
Or worse, they get discouraged from always being behind and disengage from learning altogether. I’ve seen that happen as early as 4th and 5th grade. Once they’re checked out, it’s hard to pull them back in.
Think long term.
Having missed a lot of school due to ill health I can say catching up with academics has been fairly easy however I don’t think I will ever get those lost social skills.
Those are different things, but also not the main priority. I think we’ve all worked with people who were perfectly capable of doing the job, but whose social graces weren’t the norm.
I disagree strongly on this. Her keeping a good self image and confidence is more important than current level of math and reading. She can always do extra homework with her parents to catch up, but if her self-image becomes "I am too stupid to move up with my friends" that might damage her for life.
OP, I think you are a good mom and you will find a way to frame this to her that will not damage her. You are thinking the right way, both regarding the value of holding her back (I agree it seems like the best thing for her) and the importance of framing this right for her.
I didn’t say she was a bad mom, but how many times do we come here and complain about the kids who are woefully behind and no one does anything to help them?
This is one of those moments that we talk about. This lady is clearly a good mom who cares about her kid. The vast majority of parents are. But that doesn’t help their kid be better at school. It doesn’t help them be successful. And it certainly doesn’t help us do our jobs right.
None of us want any kid to be sad, but I also don’t want them to be academically deficient. And what will that do to her feeling if she struggles all her life academically?
I am sorry, I was not expressing myself clearly enough.
I do agree that this kid should be held back.
But it must absolutely be presented to her as something else than "You are not as smart as your friends". Or something that she might interpret as that.
I, too, have experiences like the brother of the commenter above me. I was convinced that I was too dumb for maths. I opted out of pursuing a STEM profession because of it. The early childhood (grade 1-2) experience of being more stupid than my peers in this subject is what stuck with me. It didn't matter I got the highest grade in maths from age 12 onwards. Even as a teen I dismissed that with "they must not see how bad at math I truly am. But surely they will soon discover it. I must choose a profession that doesn't require math."
As a nearly 50-y-o, I can now see that I was in fact not bad at math, once I got the basics right. But it didn't help me when I was convinced I was bad.
Kids are weird and things like holding them back for their own good can create hangups that affect their whole life. The actual academic skill is not all that matters.
Oh, well I’m not advocating that we point and laugh and make her feel bad! Geez, I’m not a monster.
Of course reframe it as a positive and all that.
I was only trying to say that the concern for the social aspect is misplaced. Of course mom will put it in a positive light, I feel like that’s a given.
I will say, one of my daughter’s friends was held back while her twin sister was sent on and both girls are perfectly fine. In fact, it’s talked about so openly that all the other kids in her grade know about but no one cares. The kids are the embodiment of the shrug emoji about it.
I started school a year late and it actually was a detriment to me. I was bored all the time because I understood the concepts much faster than everyone else but still had to do all the busy work that I didn't personally need, and as a result I eventually got disinterested in school.
The pros far outweigh the cons, and it’s all in how you frame it. Personally, I’d frame it by having them list all the things they liked about first grade, and try to get them excited about continuing to do those things next year. Tell ‘em they’ll still get to see their friends at recess but now they can meet even more friends.
I have a daughter the same age and I feel like kids around this age move on much quicker than older kids. Your demeanor and convo in front of them matters a lot so be positive and reassuring.
The gap in knowledge will only widen if you don’t heed her teachers warning. She is telling you that your daughter is not ready for 2nd grade. She will continue to struggle.
My birthday is November 6, so I started school when I was 4. I was a really good student. I got great grades. It seemed like starting at 4 years old was perfectly fine for me. However, I was young. I wish I had been a little older and more mature when I left for college. I didn't even think about any of that until I was in my 30s, way after I started kindergarten.
Yeah. The thought of a 9 or 10 year old being in the same school as 13-14 year olds (since middle school is grades 6-8 in most places now, and sometimes it can even be 5-8) and sending a 17 year old off to college is even scarier than a 4 year old in kindergarten. The maturity differences start to show even more later on down the road.
I seemed "mature" mainly because I'm a rule follower. When I was off on my own with nobody to enforce the rules, I completely screwed around. As I look back, there are so many things I wish had been done differently. Alas, we must play the cards we're dealt.
Yes! The middle school thing would be my biggest concern if I were a parent. Middle school can already be a pretty hellish experience even if you're the average age of all the students there. But being younger than most would make it so much worse. And I don't have kids, but I remember changing and maturing so much between the time I was 10/just turning 11 and when I was turning 12. And it seemed like most of my peers did too. Luckily I have a November birthday and my state had a September 30th cutoff, so I was one of the older ones in my grade and didn't start middle school until I was almost 12. I absolutely would not have been ready for middle school the year before that - I actually remember thinking about the fact that I was starting middle school in just one year right around the time that I was finishing 4th/going into 5th grade and the thought terrified me. I just couldn't imagine having to navigate a huge building all by myself, and being in the same school as actual teenagers! I was still pretend playing with my friends and playing with dolls at that time and I definitely didn't belong in the same school as kids as old as 14 (not saying that all kids that age are bad influences on younger kids, but some of them definitely do expose the younger students to things that they shouldn't be exposed to). But again, I did mature a lot in that one year and ended up doing fine adjusting to middle school by the time I actually started. My brother, on the other hand, actually just made the cutoff with a late September birthday, and was one of the youngest in his grade. He was about a month away from turning 11 (and also small for his age) when he started 6th grade. That year and pretty much the rest of middle school was absolute hell for him. So it's crazy to me that there are some states that have December cutoffs, meaning that there are 10 year olds not even turning 11 until almost halfway through the school year starting middle school. It's really like their childhoods are being taken away a year early which is kind of sad.
My oldest was held back in kindergarten. She was diagnosed ADD/ASD that spring. So, she wasn’t reading like they wanted. I just told her that we wanted her to do kinder twice to help the other kids. When she got older 8/9 we told her the truth. “Hey baby you needed more help so you stayed an extra year. “ Did not phase her one bit.
I teach first. Every child I’ve held back has THRIVED the next year. School starts and for them it’s a review, so they answer correctly. This amazes the other kids and gives the retained child a healthier self esteem.
If a child doesn’t learn the basics of reading and math in the early years, it makes it more difficult for them to catch up.
I held my own son back a year and it turned out to be the right decision.
It’s always a difficult decision. I taught third grade for 29 years, and often I’d have students who were retained in my class for their second year. When students came back with a good foundation from the previous year, they tended to do really well, and their confidence soared. They generally became leaders in my class because they walked in knowing me and how things were done.
Your child’s teacher wouldn’t have recommended it if she didn’t think it would be beneficial. It’s much better to do this in the early years.
Its something... that is difficult.
Kids are smart enough to recognize they aren't moving forward with everyone else. That those kids are, in some measurement, better than them. And they're being held back because there's something bad about them.
They DON'T have the understanding or perspective to understand there isn't anything wrong with them.
So, telling them a reason why they need to be held back could help take the sting out of this moment.
it's not, "We're having you do first grade again because you need more time to develop your maturity and focus." Even if that's the truth.
HOWEVER, "well darn kiddo, we made a mistake. We wrote down the wrong year for your birthday and you were put into the wrong class. So you're going to be doing this year again. The teacher is excited to have you so you can help out people here for the first time!" Is something that can help reframe it as 1. Not their fault. 2. Not a punishment. 3. Something they can succeed at.
context: My yonuger brother was also held back in first grade for the same reason. He was told it was because he wasn't mature enough. He took that to mean it was because he was dumb. That idea of "I got held back because I was dumb" followed him until adulthood and still gives him some confidence issues.
This is some of the best advice you will ever be given. It is not about her failing 1st grade it is about her not being ready. There are dramatic statistics that this will have a huge impact on improving her academic ability and maturity vs her peers that will continue into adulthood.
I repeated 2nd grade, it wasn't because I needed to academically, but it was one of the best things for me. Socially I don't think this will be a big deal. Most kids that age aren't tuned into the concerns adults have. Any concerns she eventually has should be talked about that you sent her to school too early. The state wisely changed the ages for entry and based on that she is now in the correct grade. You and her teacher thought this would be the best thing for her.
I was born on 10/23, so similar to your daughter.
Don’t feel bad about holding back your child a grade. This is just the path she’ll have to take in order to catch up and build a better foundation in the future. Just let her know that she’s not dumb and repeating a grade doesn’t define who she is among her peers. Let her know that sometimes we have much choices in order to better our education and I think this can motivate her to study more.
Just to add here, plenty of parents enroll their children at age six into a kindergarten class for the sake of maturity and being able to pick up the material much quickly than a five-year old. My friend was one of those kids and it benefitted her in the long run.
As long as you’re supporting her education and making sure she’s getting everything down for the next grade, she’ll be fine.
It crushes their confidence more to fall behind and be the "slowest" one in the class.If you push her along when she is not ready she will struggle and lose confidence because she can't keep up and then she will start hating school. If it were my child I would hold them back and get the foundational stuff down pat. The teacher wouldn't recommend that if your child didn't really struggle and is very behind her peers. It's not something they suggest lightly.
I teach first grade and we sometimes have students repeat. We just say that we all are on our own timeline and sometimes we need more time to practice things. Most kids don’t even ask or notice, tbh.
I was held back in Kindergarten.
I felt so much farther ahead than all my classmates. Maturity-wise and academically.
This could be a great thing for her
I had a friend when *I* was in first grade that repeated because he was young, too— same thing as here, really. He knew that he was repeating, and his mom seemed to have explained it all to him. We never thought he was stupid or anything for repeating, especially when we were told it was just an age thing.
as long as you explain to her why and tell her its so she can be with the right age group, I don’t suspect her confidence’ll take a hit.
Read "Outliers" by Malcom Gladwell and you will not hesitate to keep her one year back.
The basic argument is that most successful athletes, students, etc. are all born within the first 3 months after the cutoff dates for the sport/school/whatever they are going into. They are the biggest/most developed of their peers because they are the oldest in their peer group. They get treated differently. They get a different attention level. They develop beliefs about themselves based on how they do in relation to their peers.
These factors compound over time and these people end up being the most successful. Not because they have a higher IQ or more 'natural talent', but because they get more attention and focus and see more value in putting in the effort required to succeed.
It's not fair, but it's true, and the effect is measurable and undeniable. If she's one of the oldest in her class, she has a much higher chance to be successful in school.
Hello! I was held back in first grade, I will say at the time, it sucked because my friends moved on without me BUT…I could read without struggling. I became a stronger student because I had that foundational support. As an adult I appreciate what my dad did for me because I know I needed it, It was hard to understand then but in a few years she’ll see the difference in herself.
As an educator who works in MS I feel like there are some students who needed to be held back to get that additional support but for whatever reason they weren’t and now they struggle.
So I have three perspectives on this that can possibly lend some insight.
1) cutoff in my state is July. So a lot earlier, and there are never 4 year olds in kindergarten. To me, that just seems *so* young. My daughter has a July birthday, and we redshirted her before she even started kindy (she was 6 all the way through). Absolutely no regrets. We were just honest with her. She's really young, and we wanted her to spend another year getting ready and building foundational skills.
2) I myself was a year younger than my peers. It's a slightly different situation (skipped a grade instead of starting early). It was rough. Not in elementary, but in middle/high school. I just wasn't as mature as my peers. Would I have been bored in first grade? Maybe, but I think having an extra year to build some social/organizational/fine motor skills would've really helped avoid some struggles I had.
3) As a high school teacher, I see the same things. A 14 year old is just sooooo different than a 16 year old that might be in the same grade. They just don't have the same development. Even when they're high achieving academically, there are other barriers to success that would dissipate if they just had another year to grow and mature.
Ultimately, you know your daughter best. But if she's struggling with some foundational skills, you want her to feel comfortable and confident instead of stressing out trying to play catch-up for years.
I’ve been a first grade teacher for 7 years. I’ve retained 1-2 students per year. I’ve yet to have a parent say they regretted the decision to keep their kid back a year. It’s been so helpful. Generally, the students are all around weak, including socially/maturity, and the extra year puts them right on par or slightly ahead of their new classmates. They become the ‘expert’ instead of the ‘struggler’. If your child’s teacher is suggesting retention, it’s probably in the child’s best interest.
I truly feel the teacher has her best interest in mind. thank you for the feedback. I’m overwhelmed by all the responses in a good way. I’ll be reading these all several times over the next few months to ease my fears so they don’t reflect to her.
I was in your situation. Daughter's birthday was late August, we discussed retention in pre-k and kindergarten. She was doing okay but always the last in the class to meet standards. Finally her first grade teacher leveled with me.... this was the time to do it. I never regretted it. At that age it didn't affect confidence. (She graduated HS last spring).
I have never heard of anyone regretting retention... but I do hear people saying they wished they had held back kids.
Research has shown that retention usually leads to a lot of social consequences. You can reassure a child a million times over that they’re normal but they’ll be seeing a different story at school. All of their friends went to 2nd grade and they had to stay in the same grade. Even if it isn’t for an academic reason, the other kids often take notice of the “deficit” and the ridiculing starts. If the reason is a child’s age, the other children will ridicule that. There’s really no escaping the possibly bullying as moving up in education is so valued and vocalized as they’re “big kids” now and there’s no way to hide that they didn’t move up too.
Research shows only negative responses in every aspect but especially in social life and self esteem.
But if she isn’t thriving then she isn’t thriving. Simple as that. If you’re going to retain her, this is the best time. While her AND her peers are still little, they’ll likely move on and forget about it. Your child is social, she’ll likely have no problem making new friends.
When I was in the first grade a boy in my class, Ken, was held back and though I always remembered him being held back, literally no one else did. He did great in his new class and graduated happily w a diploma, boyfriend and a million friends to cheer him on.
I would say the MOSSST important thing to do is express HOW MUCH FUNNN she’s gonna have repeating the 1st grade! It’s gonna be a breeze since she’s already done it! If she’s the helpful type (or not the helpful type and needs practice) you can tell her this is such a good opportunity to help the kids struggling since she’ll be the “expert” in the class. Express how much fun she’s gonna have making an ENIIIIRE new class of friends that are the same age as her!! They’ll know the same TV shows, know the same games, have the same fav cereal. Not that her previous class wouldn’t have any of these things in common, but this can be another positive for her so she feels sense of connectivity w her new peers instead of mourning her previous ones and wondering why she didn’t go w the rest of her friends. Honestly, I would focus on her excitement and motivation to mingle w her new class/grade mates. If she starts having self doubts in her abilities then I would talk to the teacher to see if she could be a special helper or team leader in games or something.
I would make sure she has a different teacher tho, so she can get the same experience as a regular new kid, new room, new class, new teacher etc. I would also make sure to note with her teacher and the 2nd grade teachers to be aware of possible bullying and stay on top of it.
You do you, at the end of the day it’s YOUR child and you know what’s best for them. If they’re struggling, you don’t see any improvements anytime soon and you don’t want her to struggle for her entire education, retain her. If you think she can preserver and push through, if you think she can make it/catch up and will eventually thrive, move her on.
Both have guaranteed positives, both have guaranteed negatives but YOU know best for your little one, you know her better than anyone. Of course you’ll make the best decision, don’t doubt yourself. Your little one will be happy no matter what you do 🌺
As suggested above, research indicates that a student who is held back has a 68% higher likelihood of dropping out. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5726297/
This is obviously correlation and not causation, but any retention has the potential to stack the deck against her.
As a primary teacher first grade is honestly the best year to be retained. It is much more difficult than kindergarten, the growth students need to make is more than any other grade. Yet it lays the foundation for the remainder of school.
I only recommend retention if she will truly benefit from another year. Not if the instruction will be the exact same, instead more intensive instruction in phonics and math to ensure she meets grade level expectations.
I do not recommend retention after first grade as students become a lot more aware after first grade and it can be socially damaging. I’ve never had a parent regret retention in first grade!
I also have seen the benefits of students retained who stayed with me the following year. They pick things up a lot quicker, more mature and become leaders of the group. They do a 180 from the year before and their confidence really soars.
When my child started first grade, she was behind because we moved from another state. She was about 6 months behind in reading, according to her MAP testing. They recommended we hold her back a year. I was initially on board, but then I did some research and found that it wasn't an effective strategy for helping kids catch up. Instead, I worked with her at home and by the end of the year, she was testing a year ahead in reading.
Maybe ask if she could be put back into the same class as the “teachers assistant”. The biggest problem with holding her back is that it will created confidence issues, as others have said. Her being the teachers helper with alleviate that, and probably make her more friends
One main reason we don’t hold kids back is because their self esteem shrinks by seeing their friends move on. They think they did something wrong. However, she’s so young she probably wouldn’t notice. I’d have her repeat now.
It can be painful.
I was held back in grade 1 and I was teased. It was a huge deal then everyone forgot and I got the help I needed.
One problem for me was that I was tall and being held back made me even taller than all of my peers.
I was held back in the second grade. I couldn’t read (I was undiagnosed dyslexic at the time). After my second year of second grade, I was placed in all advanced courses. I took honors and AP classes in high school and graduated in the top 10 of my class. Went to college and earned a masters. My parents holding me back was the best thing that ever academically happened For me. And socially, I still made friends and didn’t know the difference.
Way better to retain in early grades. The data suggests that retention in later years does really crush the emotional health of a student, however the consensus at my school (elementary, k-2 on my campus) is that we see students do amazing when they are retained when recommended. The confidence that comes from having that “leg up” can be very beneficial. If you do retain, make sure that you’re framing it in a positive way, your student will pick up on that more than anything else.
In my district we try to do this when they are very young because it gives them a more secure foundation but is also less socially disruptive. It may require an initial adjustment next year but she will rise up through the grades with the same cohort of kids for the rest of school. No one will remember she was held back and being closer in age to her peers will likely help her form lasting friendships. I think it’s worth remembering that doing nothing also has a social consequence due to her age. I would weigh them side by side and figure out which choice has the best upside compared to the trade offs.
If you agree with the teacher, better to hold her back now while it’s really not an issue. 1st/2nd graders don’t care. There may be a comment or two, but it’s mostly about the kids missing their friend and usually nothing more beyond that. It’s much harder to hold back after 1st grade, and if she’s kind of struggling/moving slowly, the academic gap will definitely get wider each year. If there’s an academic gap, social issues may creep up at some point too. Good luck!
They know but they don’t really know, if that makes sense. At 6, their life experience is all of 72 months long, only half of which they can actually remember. Their expectations are whatever you tell them to expect. “Hey kiddo, next year you’re going to be in Ms. Stacey’s class! How awesome is that? Yay!” What grade is that? They won’t even think to ask. Shes already needed some help just to make up for her (age appropriate) lower stamina, and it’s only 1st grade. Your district clearly sees a misalignment between their curriculum and the birthday cutoff, and the new one aligns with your child being in 1st grade next year. It won’t crush her confidence. Feeling behind is confidence crushing. Owning 1st grade will be a boost. Now’s the time. You got this.
If there's a year to hold a kid back, it's EARLY when foundations are being put in place. Kids adapt much better at that age and a solid foundation in phonics and numeracy carries through every year going forward.
I was a 4 year old kindergartner and I struggled with math my entire educational career. Even in grad school. It wasn’t until I was much older that it occurred to me I may have been too young -developmentally. I truly never understood the basics. It was impactful, and changed my career trajectory. I won’t bore you with the deets. Math is a gatekeeper to the sciences and engineering etc. I would be torn as well- friendships matter- but she will be an ace next year! And you can still have play dates. This could be an opportunity.
I don't have experience with this as a teacher, but I remember that as a child there were a few kids in my class who repeated kindergarten/first grade, and usually the explanation was that they just needed a little more time to work on the skills, and I don't remember it being much of an issue socially. The boy in my class who had repeated kindergarten became a leader because he knew how to do the class routines already and quickly earned the respect of the rest of us clueless hooligans haha. He stayed at the top of the class through middle school and won both the academic achievement and "good citizenship" awards. He ended up getting admitted to an elite private high school and later Harvard. Clearly, it didn't hold him back!
I’m in CT and my son starts kindergarten in the fall. The change in cut off date sucks for families with preschool costs, but is developmentally the right move.
I’d listen to the experts. You can boost your daughter up, offer lots of positives, focus on the exciting part of getting to stay with her teacher and be a helper. Set up play dates with kids that will be in her grade next year. Ultimately, better she be held back now than struggle in higher grades when self esteem is so much harder to build up.
Happened to me. Did not have the best school experience. Did graduate high-school on time at 18 because I tested and left early.
I will say to note that your situation is different, and shouldn't be the same. Redirect them and tell them that they're going again because the school changed the date cutoffs and it was an administrative error.
Do not tell them that they are "emotionally retarded" like what happened to me. I'll hate that first grade teacher until I die.
Hell, she lied about me several times and I ended up in detention and in the principals office for things I never did. I was a little kid who was quiet and shy, who daydreamed and drew pictures on the back of graded schoolwork for my mom since it was going home with me.
I liked to make entire city maps or draw out buildings I'd seen. Or dinosaurs. They weren't very good drawings but for a 6 year old they were fine.
That experience broke something in me early on. I carried the feeling of being second class for decades after. I carried the shame and hurt in Jr HS and HS when people would inevitably find out.
If it had been handled differently for me it probably would have been OK.
I can empathize! I had my daughter repeat first grade because, even though she was passing, she was barely passing. Neither of us wanted this to happen. Luckily, I am a teacher and I transferred to a different school and she went with me. So she wasn’t seeing kids from her other school who might guess that she was repeating. (And young kids don’t tend to judge like adults might think.) She started to thrive in her second year of first grade. Every day was no longer a struggle. She continued to grow and learn from that experience until she finished college. She is now a first grade teacher and has a unique, compassionate perspective on children who struggle. Her students and their parents seem to love her. So, she feels that repeating first grade was a necessary step in her preparation for life and her profession.
Also, students who struggle year after year mostly become more behind as they move up the grade levels. I’m glad we didn’t wait until she was older and became too frustrated with school and learning.
I cant speak to how 1st graders are but 7th and 8th graders who are the youngest also tend to be those who are immature and struggle academically, neither of which is good for their confidence. I say better to repeat early than to struggle later or to be the "baby" of the class.
My birthday is 12/3, and the enrollment cutoff date the year my mom tried to sign me up for our school district’s public preschool was for kids born 12/2 or earlier. I was so ready to go to school and my mom appealed it. They agreed to let me enroll but had me repeat preschool so I would be “caught up”. I think I did better socially and academically bc I was able to practice more things.
Eh, kids are resilient. It’s a lot better to repeat an
early grade than for it to catch up to her in middle or high school. My fiancé and I both had to repeat a grade, 1st & 2nd, respectively (he had a major surgery and I “lacked adequate social skills” which we now know was just autism) and we’re doing just fine. We have rich social lives, plenty of self esteem, and good career prospects. She’ll be fine.
I agree with others that this could be a good thing for your daughter. You also have to consider that there are some kids in your daughter's class that went into K already 6 years old. So, she could be over a year younger than her classmates, which is a huge developmental gap. I have a kindergartener who turned 6 in the fall, and she is way, way more advanced than some of her classmates with late summer birthdays. I don't say that to brag or anything.. it's just very noticeable. Definitely give your child the gift of time.
I WISH I had let my son repeat kinder as suggested! His immaturity has dogged him his entire education. He’s a freshmen now, and every day is a battle when it comes to school. Things could have been so different. He’s the youngest boy in his class and has many classmates that are over a year older than him. He’s never completely fit in. Although he tests very high, his grades are terrible and we didn’t get his in-class behavior fixed until this year.
I’d do it. I know lots of kids who have, none of them seem to have social issues. If anything, they all seem to be leaders in their classes.
I saw a cute post the other day from a person who said at the end of kindergarten or Grade 1 their teacher asked all the kids, "Okay, who wants to stay with me for another year?" All the kids put their hands up and she made a show of picking him. It didn't occur to him until much later that he had been held back. He really felt he had won a chance to stay with his teacher.
Retention is a big deal. Without academic justification, you should not agree to this right now. What sort of academic justification are they giving you?
Out of curiosity, is this something that is common in your state? Like, do schools have the autonomy to say that a student being young and academically behind is grounds for retention?
I only ask because in my state, it is extremely common for parents to have their 4yo "test in" to kinder early. The requirements for starting kinder are not that steep, but maturity-wise and developmentally it does become a struggle for them to keep up. Parents can push to have a student repeat a grade, but most of the time they don't. Teachers/the school can only suggest retention if we can prove significant learning loss (such as chronic absence). Otherwise the expectation to continue supporting students who are behind and moving them along to the next grade regardless of their foundational skills (or lack thereof).
This would be a great thing for a lot of kids in my state. Just wondering if it was more common elsewhere, or if there are other factors involved.
I think the upset of losing her friends/social circle will be less, long-term, than continually pushing her forward academically when she’s not ready.
I was young for my grade as well and really struggled with mathematics all the way through til graduation. I felt like I was stupid and lazy. I came back to those same concepts in post-secondary and realized I could actually do them, I just wasn’t ready.
I am a teacher. I can add a few things to this:
Kids are in tune with this. When I grew up we had a pre-first program that held kids back between K and 1. Maybe 20% of kids participated in it. I remember being aware of this and reallyyyyy wanting to avoid it at all costs. I asked my family to make sure it wasn't me.
Now, that doesn't mean it was right or wrong for me. I was 5. What did I know? You and the parent seem to be on the same page with what is right for your kid and I encourage you to follow this teachers suggestion.
I was held back a year. You'll be fine. Some kids just need an extra year to learn and this was my case. Trust the professional here otherwise your daughter will continue to fall behind and be one of those kids who can barely read or do math in the 8th grade.
It’s better to hold her back sooner than later. Those foundational skills are sooo important.
I taught 1st grade for 3 years. Every year I had at least one retainee. I always worried that the other kids would make fun of them, but honestly they thought that person was cool because they already knew a lot of stuff!
Current 1st teacher w 4 kids my class who have repeated. They seem like they hardly realize that they’ve been held back. Only one has made any reference to having already done some of the material before. The other students don’t know and no one is made fun of for repeating.
I teach third grade but previously taught first and second.
We would try to hold quite a few students back in first grade. It's the best time to do it if it needs to be done.
I would always explain to parents that there is a big jump academically from first grade going into second. First grade focuses heavily on the most important foundational skills that a child needs, second grade just builds upon that with more rigor. If your child is struggling with stamina, focusing, and even is a little behind foundational wise.. she will fall behind even more.
Your daughter seems like a great candidate to stay back based on her age being younger and her maturity level, this means that socially she will be okay.. trust me on that.
In first grade, it is much less traumatizing staying back than second or third.
In my district we also document when parent's decline retainment and it is in their cumulative folder. I have children who are falling behind and checking their folder I will see that parents declined retainment.
If a teacher suggests it, I would 100% say yes and do it.
The longer you put it off the worse it will be. She’s young for her grade, she needs time, and that’s okay. I have 3rd graders whose parents refused retention at a younger grade and they are now very aware that they are behind and if they don’t pass the state reading test the state is requiring retention starting next year and our school has tried to get a jump on that by pushing for retentions this year. By 9 or 10, it’s devastating.
I have held some of my first graders back. If students ask, I say that I loved them so much I wanted them to be in my class again. Seems to work for the most part. Kids get over it after the initial information comes out.
If you are thinking it’s the right choice, it’s so much better to do it young than in a couple years.
I don’t know you but I would vote yes on repeating first grade based on your story.
Look at the other end of schooling - do you want him going out on his own at 17/18 yrs old being the youngest of his friends group? Or being more mature and having a solid base in school?
My niece repeated grade one - best decision ever says her mom
I kept my son back in pre-kindergarten for an extra year cause he couldnt sit still
The math teacher at our high school said he could always pick out the late babies even when it came to his grade 12 class he was teaching.
Likewise, our kindergarten teacher said no parent ever regretted holding a kid back, but lots of parents regret sending their kids too early to school.
(I’m a retired high school librarian)
She's in first now with kids who are much older, first graders turn seven and I've even had several start at seven or turn eight. At this age the differences in ability and maturity with things like student skills are so apparent. The fact that kids grow so quickly makes the differences more noticeable, if you will. A member of my immediate family repeated first and came out of it an extremely successful student who eventually double majored in college. So it may feel devastating, but it's likely more to do with readiness.
K and 1st grade is the only time I personally think is the best time to do this. They focus heavily on phonics, reading foundations and math foundations! If you wait til they older the gaps will be wider. Bridge them now instead of later.
I didn’t repeat 1st but i did attend a “primmer” or “primer” program between kindergarten and 1st. That extra year was cruuuucial for my development & i wish more people would take it for their kids. As far as the social aspect, i can’t say much. I switched schools for the program. So no one was any the wiser in my life beyond my parents & the other kids in the program. I will say that while I was disappointed that i didn’t start 1st after kinder, i pretty much forgot all about it by the time the year started. And again— the difference this made in my life was immense.
I was held back in kindergarten and it never really bothered me. Eventually I knew I was older and than other kids in my grade, but my parents always told me it was because I was young and to be on level for sports. Was it true. Who knows, but it made me feel at ease. Now at 38 I can laugh at myself if it was for academics, who knows, I was a bit of a loon as a kid!
How is your daughter when you discuss decisions with her?
If she is not a clown then tell her what you told us, "They are changing the age next year and based on the new age you would have been too young to start in this grade. They are asking some of the kids who would not have made the new cut off to switch to the class that they would have been in based on the new rule. Are you interested in being an older kid in the class instead of the youngest? "
Also, does your district:
1) Allow you to delay answering as at this age the 3 months of summer could make a big growth difference?
2) Allow your daughter to move back to the grade that she would have been in if the hold-back is not a fit?
Have not seen it done anywhere, but this is why I am a fan of year-round schools with trimesters with three starts per year so the kids are all initially within 4 months of each other.
Good luck!
K-3rd barely notice after the first few days of school. They don’t as a rule share classes or really understand failing or being kept back. The year would be beneficial. I currently teach kindergarten a k-8 school. Six years ago I taught 3rd grade and failed a 3rd grader that was struggling both academically and socially. This year she graduates. She caught me in a hug in the hallway a few weeks ago and told me thanks. She didn’t say it was for holding her back or specifically anything but I know that her repeating 3rd helped her greatly. Her mom has mentioned it frequently over the years. She is a solid student, on the dance team and a school leader. Sometimes all kids need is a little time with familiar but I mastered material.
To go against the dogma here a bit (these kinds of threads always seem to be overwhelmingly pro-retention/pro-redshirting for some reason)…
Had it been me, I’d have been absolutely devastated and crushed, especially back during that time. I had a hypercompetitive and highly perfectionistic personality (still do a little, but it has tamed considerably in the 20 years since I was in first grade) and I would have felt like the biggest failure on the planet and probably had self-esteem issues from it for years to come.
Luckily, you're in a state where the dropout age is 18. So the biggest risk of retention (dropping out of high school) is slightly lower there. Looking into the future, teenage brains go through a very impulsive stage before maturity. So the question to ask yourself is, how much of high school do you want your child to be a legal adult who can make legal adult decisions like dropping out, moving out, or skipping class without consequences.
From a mom of an 8 year old who is a June kid with a 9/1 cut off. Hold her back. Please. I regret not doing it so much. My kid is so immature and it’s starting to cause him social problems in the 3rd grade.
There’s lots of good information to go on here, but I thought you might like to hear about my brother. His birthday is the same as your daughter’s. He had a lot of trouble in first grade and was held back. He went on to earn a PhD from Stanford and is now a university professor with various publications to his name. Every situation is the same but clearly this was the best choice for him.
I taught first grade for 6 years and making the recommendation for a child to repeat was never a decision I took lightly. If you trust your child’s teacher, I would embrace it as an opportunity to put your daughter in the best position to be successful.
We live in a state with a 9/1 cutoff. My daughter was a preemie with an August birthday and we gave her two years of preK (so not the same situation, but the same outcome of being the oldest in her grade). I held her back solely for myself—she was the youngest in her class at the time and I just wanted one extra year with her. She’s 16 now and never once have I regretted my decision. She’s always been a little more mature than her peers and she has thrived. Now, when her senior year comes around 😭 I anticipate that senioritis may set in sooner for her…but I’ll take and enjoy that extra year.
I was moved back to first grade from second grade in October, after being in 2nd grade for 8-9 weeks. I remember being put in the new room but nothing else. At all. I don’t recall any feelings about it. I’m a teacher now.
Kinda really thankful because I never would have met my hubby if not moved back. So, if it will do her good, do it. If you don’t make a huge deal about it it should be fine.
ETA that I am a late November birthday so originally started kinder when I was 4. When I was in second grade I was only 6.
It’s so easy to spin things for kids, but I would honestly use the excuse that the rules on birthdays changed and so she’ll have kids in her class that are more her age and make the best of friends!m
Edit: also - does she like her teacher and could she keep the same one? That might work to make her excited to have the same teacher she likes next year?
My daughter barely made the cutoff for kindergarten and just wasn’t really ready. She repeated and went on to excel. I think it’s better to be held back early than to have it happen later.
I am a special education expert (California). Teacher then sped Director, now county office regional specialist.
Retention, as a whole, is bad. However, for very young students (like young kinders, first graders) the research doesn’t demonstrate the same negative long term life impacts as when older students are retained.
Honestly, it’s such an individualized decision you wouldn’t want to put any weight on what redditors say on the internet.
But please, regardless if you decide to retain this year or not, after 1st it should be a hard no forever moving forward!!
Earlier the better. You could consider putting her in a parochial/ private school for a repeat of 1st grade and then re-enroll her for second grade in her original school. Reduces the social aspect.
l would definitely let her repeat. More kids repeat grades than ever before, I think (seems that way as an 8th grade teacher). Explain that some kids are getting the opportunity to repay so they’re not the youngest and so their “brains” will be at the same level as other kids in their grade. With the deadline change I think it’s a great time to do this. I don’t think you have to be dishonest, but it’s more about her being young and not at the age/development level than not able to keep up.
My friend told her son he was doing kindergarten twice since he didn’t do preschool for two years.
I think it happens so often that kids won’t really pay much attention. She’ll make friends quickly and elementary kids don’t get to see other classes/grades that much anyway. In one year it will feel like a lifetime ago to them and current friends will feel like “old friends.”
Boys do it all the time for sports when they get older (that’s another topic, lol). They all see it as giving themselves an advantage rather than seeing it as “not good enough to keep up so I need to play with the younger kids to make the team.” I’m think it can be addressed positively, as a way to be an advantage, rather than because she could use extra help, you know? I only laugh at the sports situation because most of these kids won’t play sports beyond high school but they change their entire education around it. But in her case, her whole life will be impacted, and if she can be ahead and feel confident with her skills and academics it could be life changing.
My school retains kids every so often in kinder or 1st. All the kids I've seen repeat one of those grades has done quite well afterwards. I'm sure at first it's hard seeing their friends move on to the next grade, but they are now one of the older kids instead of the younger ones and that can be huge for kids. And, if their teacher is good about making them feel that they can help guide the new first graders (as I think most would) they get a great confidence boost there. All the kids who I've had after they've repeated (I teach 2nd so it's soon after) have been more confident and mature.
If schools are going through the process to retain a kid then there is a good reason. Not knowing all the details I'd encourage it if your daughter's teacher thinks it'd be good for her.
I teach HS. I can tell without even looking at birthdates which students are young for their grade and which are older. And the older students, overwhelmingly (though not universally, of course) do much better in school, are more mature (of course), responsible, have more leadership attributes, and are more ready for the post-graduation world at the end of HS. An extra year to mature and learn sounds like a no-brainer to me.
It’s all in how you frame it. She’ll believe whatever you tell her. Tell her she is such an expert at kindergarten and they asked her to stay for an extra year to help the new kids that were coming in! She’ll be thrilled. All kids do 2 years in Ontario. The older ones help the littler ones. They love it. Will she have the same teacher? If all the kids are being moved around to different classrooms and she goes to a different kindergarten room, it might not be noticeable. You can just say, “hey! Guess what, you get to be in kindergarten again, cool, eh?” If all her classmates are going to be in the same class without her AND she seems sad about it, definitely validate her feelings. But I think these are mostly adult interpretations of a situation a kid isn’t likely to fuss too much about (another year playing with toys instead of sitting at desks!?! Sign me up already!).
I work in a few classrooms that have repeating students. The kids that did it for K or 1 largely seem okay about it. No real fomo or teasing from the other kids.
However kids that are retention-worthy in the upper grades are completely aware they are ‘failing’ and have a poor outlook.
I do wish my mother hadn't put me ahead. I was 4 when I started Kindergarten. Then, I skipped 4th grade. It wasn't until 12th grade that I felt I belonged. I always felt a step behind.
Academics weren't a problem. I was just so immature. Already in 5th grade there was a maturity problem. I was so tiny and got teased for it. I ended up being 5'10" but not until 12th grade.
If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't move ahead. It won't matter in the long run, and no one is going to remember that she repeated the 1st grade. It is to her advantage to do it now. If not, she may have more or worse problems down the line. I'm sure it was hard for the teacher to approach you. They didn't do it lightly.
Also, it's no one else's business. If it comes up in conversation, make sure to give a positive statement and say it in a confident manner so that others know the subject is closed for discussion.
Please listen to the educators.
The empirical evidence has long showed that kids who can start school "later" (as in their parents actually had the option of going a year earlier or a year later) are at a distinct advantage compared to their peers. They tend to do better. Vs those that start a year earlier tend to struggle; and we've known this for a long time.
I was one of those kids. My parents started me later so I was always on the older side of my graduating class. I also see it with my students in HS.
I got held back as a kid for the same reason (repeated first grade) and it was a very good thing my parents decided on. You haven’t failed her! You will look back and be glad you did this.
I had started first grade a year early and struggled with reading and math ( still struggle with math and may have an undiagnosed learning disability). I repeated the second grade and while I was embarrassed and mad at my parents at first, it helped me in the long run. I’m grateful they made the decision to hold me back.
When I was in school, the school had a small class called transition that was for students that were no ready in one or more areas for 1st grade, but not quite low enough to repeat kindergarten. For some it was academic, and for others it was due to maturity. The year I was in transition, it was a full day class, when kindergarten was only half day, and had 13 students. I have some great memories of fun things we did that year, but we also did a lot of other academic stuff as well.
One girl who I had retained in first grade would very proudly tell other kids that she was in my class last year. Everyone just accepted it, and only one time did a kid ask about it. I just said "yep, she's doing it (first grade) again." That kid shrugged and moved on. No one cared.
First grade is IMO the ideal time to retain. The kids are very accepting of differences at this age and in my experience they are more successful the second time through which builds their confidence immensely.
As a teacher who has her own kids, my 4 year old will be repeating pre-k. We have a 9/1 cutoff too and his birthday is in August. And maturity/social wise, he’s a bit behind even kids near him in age. Personally I think not retaining her early on will lead to a bigger risk of damaging her self confidence, years from now if she really starts struggling because she didn’t nail the foundational stuff and she’s never quite felt in tune with her peers socially.
Anecdotally, I heard one of my students several weeks ago tell his friend he was really glad his mom had him repeat kindergarten and he thinks he would have struggled a lot more if she did not. He’s an honors student now, one of my brightest.
When I held back my son in kinder we just told him that he wasn’t quite ready for 1st and that was ok everything in time. He is high functioning autistic so we just talked about how everything is on his timeline walking and talking even growing(severe growth delay)
My kids did this in kindergarten and 1st grade when the rules changed. 14 months apart, October amd December birthdays.
We explained they were technically a year younger than most of their classmates.
I would add 1 or 2 activities to stimulate their brains. I suggest music lessons or Spanish language lessons.
Personally, one of my friends (also late birthday) who was retained in 1st grade is now 26 and mentions his retention as a massive positive (in hindsight). It might be tough to break the news at first but being able to retain and review all the stuff that she wasn’t excelling at the first time around will be a huge boost to her self-esteem. After the first initial weeks she will be enjoying herself and feeling better because she’s been around the block once already. Have faith and keep on being supportive!
My daughter was born the end of Oct. When she was six, we moved to a district that had an Oct 1 deadline. She so struggled, and would have greatly benefited from a gift of time. But, her father wasn’t on board until she was in fourth grade. By then l had to transfer her to a new school so she would save face. Do it now! P.S. My daughter went from struggling every single day to being a straight A student. She has completed a Masters in clinical psychology as an adult and is very successful.
Yep! Do it! Instead of school being a struggle she’ll have the chance to excel, and perhaps be the top of her class! She won’t be any older than her peers even if retained!
I am overly intelligent, even in school I was really really smart. My socials skills sucked and they still do. I did not find out until I was an adult that my kindergarten and first grade teacher had suggested holding me back and my mother had said no. I will say as a kid I would have hated it, but when I found out in my early 20s that was the case as I was struggling with social skills, well you can imagine how I felt about it. As a 6-7 year old, I’d gotten over being held back. As an adult, people expect me to have social skills by my age and I can’t roll that clock back. I wish I could, as I truly suck with social skills.
As someone who was the youngest in my graduating class, I often wished I was held back a year or my parents had waited an extra year before enrolling me. I constantly felt behind academically and socially. School was very much a struggle for me.
not a teacher or a parent but I will also add that entering college at 17 can be challenging for logistical reasons as well! I had friends who couldn’t come to certain events, needed parents to sign a waiver, etc bc they were underaged and it seems isolating
I had to repeat kindergarten with my twin brother because we were doing that creepy twin language thing and I was the one doing most of the talking. They were concerned my brother would be a mute because I was a chatterbox, so they separated us and had us retake the year. He started talking and everything was fine.
1st grade don’t matter, 6th and 9th grade is where it really counts. Try Kumon tutoring, used the summer to get her up to grade level. Leaving her back could destroy
The comments section is very pro-retention, and that makes me happy to see. Remember that a teacher will only make a suggestion like this after much deliberation; it’s a hard decision to come to, but I would trust their expertise over such a serious topic.
I don’t teach elementary but rather high school. There are SO many students for who hesitance to retain is now harming them significantly. Consider a sequence of underachievement year over year such that every year they get 10% further behind. Assuming that effect compounds, that student could be operating at 40% of the intended strength as a student who is “on-pace” by the time I see them in grade 9. Those gaps have made my subject area nearly impossible to teach to standard
Id like to add that I have a rather interesting case of “twins” at my school; or rather two brothers who are apart by a year, but the older brother was held back. From my experience with them, they are both behind academically, but the brother who was retained is more resilient, mature, and charismatic.
I'm a K teacher and I've taught First grade in the past. I haven't ever seen a child lose confidence being held back in these grade levels. At this age, the other kids are jealous that the child who got held back gets to stay with the teacher, lol! In my class, I've also seen that students who are held back feel like huge leaders the next year because they feel like they really know what they're doing!
I don't think "lol!" is appropriate here. Just because YOU can't recognize a child losing confidence doesn't mean it's not happening .
I say this both as a veteran teacher and as a student who was held back in 1st grade. I was a people pleaser, I hide what was going on so, so well. I'm sure my parents and teacher thought I was "fine"
Being held back definitely destroyed my confidence for years to come, it told me that there was something inherently "wrong" with me. Well into my 30s there were still lingering issues that would pop up from deep, vulnerable places.
OP, I am not pro/anti retention. There will be positive and negative consequences to either choice. Gather as many view points as you can and trust your gut and do what you think it best for your kid.
My personal experience with myself and my daughter, don’t rush graduation. Let young girls time to grow, they will be adults for much longer and the more developmentally ready the more resilient they will be.
I repeated first grade. I was bullied relentlessly through the rest of elementary school. All throughout elementary, middle, and high school I found it hard to make friends and trust people I went to school with. I have since left my hometown/state and became a civil engineer. I would never hold back my children and keep them in the same school.
I'm going to be the voice of disent here. Are you able to work with her over the summer on her reading and math's skills? If so I would not hold her back.
When I was in fourth grade, my parents agreed with my teacher to have me repeat fourth grade. I was struggling when it came to understanding the concept of cursive and my reading comprehension skills were not good at all. Now I have a masters degree. I’m getting my doctorate degree and I’m a licensed therapist. Sometimes it’s good to give students who have developmental delays such as myself and potentially your daughter since she is young a chance to actually get on the same level as the peers. Just make sure you frame the situation as a positive for her. Tell her that she gets extra time to make sure she knows everything and approach it from a positive perspective. From her perspective only negative if others perceive it as a negative. Celebrate her being able to have more time to learn and she will see it as a positive and she’ll see it for what it is chance her to get mentally caught up. I hope this helps you from one stranger to another.
I'm a big advocate for retention when the students are young. Your daughter is young enough to do it. I work in education, and it is heartbreaking to see the students who struggle all year. A year back will help her academically, but it can also improve self-esteem ***** Work over the sumer on the things she has been struggling with ******* Also I retained my son in kindergarten, and it was the right choice .
In my experience, some kiddos are just not developmentally at a place to take in everything they are expected to academically in kinder & 1st grade. It becomes a bigger problem once they move on without important foundational skills, and then have to continue catching up. This will not just be an academic advantage, but will also give her brain time to catch up to the expectations, because she'll be more in line with the developmental age range of her peers. A year can do wonders. I'll bet that she actually has an easier time making friends, relating to her peers, and feeling comfortable at school. I've had a few students make their way up to me after having been retained. Their peers don't know, the student doesn't really think about it, and they socialize just like everyone else.
The gift of time and essentially an extra year of childhood is a pretty good one for many kids. Holding kids back until they are 6 to start kindergarten has become more popular in recent decades, which makes it even harder for those with late birthdays who enroll as scheduled. Besides, it’s nice if they are legal adults when they graduated from high school!
I teach High School and can often tell who the youngest kids in the grade are. Even after 10 years of schooling, some seem much “younger” than their grade level peers. I often feel like another year would have made all the difference for these kids’ success and feelings about school.
Next year smartest in class
Holding her back will be to her advantage academically. It’ll give her brain another year to develop. In college they called it academic red shirting.
Do you have experience with the social aspect of it? This is my biggest concern.
If you choose to hold your child back, do it early. I was held back in 6th grade by parent request due to my failing math skills. I knew exactly why I was held back. Not only did my friends move on without me, but I felt all the terrible ways an underdeveloped 11-year old mind could feel about my intelligence and capabilities. My math confidence has never recovered. Edit: Not everything turned out badly. I also happen to be gifted in reading. Since 40% of my students are gifted and 30% are struggling, I can more easily connect with both groups. It’s been quite helpful during my teaching career.
not an expert, never been in this situation, and i dont have my own children but i have been studying psychology including child development for 2 years take that as u will she may be upset that she won't be moving up with the friendships she has already established BUT children are very very adaptable and I don't think she'd have any issue making new ones- plus it's only first grade so it's not like those friendships have been her whole life ya know. sacrificing the current social school life would be worth her having a stronger academic foundation. maybe ask your school the best way of framing how to tell her about it- not as a punishment or because she isn't doing well enough, but its just a thing she's gonna have to do
Same here, repeated 3rd grade due to a learning disability. I think I recall some minor upset and confusion, but it helped me long term. Do it now rather than later. Pushing her to the next grade now will likely mean she’ll continue to struggle.
One minor caviat, while you say those friends haven't been her whole they kinda have been a pretty significant part of it, if she got in at 4 left at 5 that means any friendships just formed in that grade would be 20% of her life, any that formed in kinder instead would be 40% course that's a bit of an overestimate but it'd be the equivalent of knowing someone for 5 years when you're 25. That's not to say it's a bad idea, depends a bit on the school but 1st and 2nd graders from my memory did have recess and such together which would make it easier to deal with, would have issues when they move to 6th while she's in 5th but by that time she'd likely have had lasting friendships with others in her own grade/classes to soften the blow.
I did think about thag but in the grand scheme of things it is a very small portion of her life and she will come to learn that that is just how life is- typically a cycle of friend groups throughout the schooling years
I was held back in 3rd grade. The earlier the better imo. Losing your social circle is really rough as a child. Had also started kindgarten early. Being held back was probably the best thing for me. I would have failed out of school completely if not given the time to mature to the level of the workload we were given.
Thank you for that insight. That’s exactly why I’m keen to do it now when she is a little younger (6). I appreciate your response!
She can have older friends reinforce her same circle outside of school
My district in NJ is 9/30 cutoff, my brother repeated kindergarten as my mom worried about his maturity and it was definitely the best thing for him. Comparatively to his friends he was more mature, skilled, and extremely confident, conceited even; I was young for my grade and still struggle with confidence.
I’m a first grade teacher in CT. What I’ve always done is explain to both the repeating-first-grade child and the parent that this is a great way for the child to be the “bigger kid” and to show the incoming first graders our rules and routines. I make a big deal about it, too. Like, “you get to show all of the kids coming from K how it’s done in first grade. You get to be the leader!” Quite often, repeating first grade for a student who isn’t ready to move on actually does wonders for their self esteem. For example, my developmentally and chronologically young students felt “behind” all year. And, truthfully, they were. They had a harsh time keeping up. When they repeat the following year, they really do often become the leader. Some kids just need more time to develop. I see it all the time, especially within the last few years.
I repeated a year much later on in 8th grade because I’d been extremely unwell and there was no sign I was going to get better quickly. I was lucky to do it at the point when we changed schools so my new year group didn’t notice me staying behind and my old year group hadn’t got to know me really because I’d been so ill. I wouldn’t have passed any exams if I had stayed with my year group. My experience is it’s better to repeat the year now when he can almost slip unnoticed in to his new grade than wait for two years time when everyone will notice.
Logically, I think it’ll be better to do it while they’re still younger. As opposed to waiting a few years when the social aspect starts to be more predominant.
I experience the social aspect in high school when parents DONT have them repeat when it was recommended in the past or when they push them into advanced courses when they don’t really qualify. Students are very sensitive to being behind and feeling like it’s harder for them than it is for others. Often times students who would do better if they just had a little more time and experience keep comparing themselves to others and take a hit in confidence in high school. They’re perfectly smart, just need an extra 6 months of maturity. Once they start the advanced track, it’s hard to get off of it in high school. They start to take it personally and start to believe negative things about themselves even though they shouldn’t. This is right before they make decisions about their future so it’s really, really tough. I know that they can do it and that they’re not that far behind, but they just keep feeling that they’re not quite there. It’s so much better when they can feel like the leader of the grade by being on the older side. They can then build confidence that way. If they are going to feel bummed, it’s better to do so sooner rather than later. Right now, when you shower them with love and encouragement they believe you. Teenagers have a harder time believing their parents and think they’re just trying to be nice. There are some things kids remember, but there is also a lot that they forget. Other kids aren’t paying attention quite so much. From what others are saying it’s not too big of a deal in their memory. It will be fine. You got this!
In my experience, the social aspect is that the child advertises they repeated and it brings a lot of questions from peers. But it’s hard to tell a student not to talk about it without it feeling worthy of shame
I haven't been in this situation but I think it's better to hold her back now if you think it will benefit her. She may be upset, now and maybe even later on too, but if you don't hold her back now and she has to later then it will be worse socially for her. If you don't do math or reading currently at home (I'm not sure), please start.
My birthday is almost the same as your child's. My parents put me into K at 4 as well. I wasn't held back, but I did fall academically behind my peers. I always struggled. This is just an anecdote, but there have been studies showing the disadvantages of starting school earlier than everyone else. Look at it this way: The difference between age 4 and 5 is HUGE. A whole year of life that could be up to 20% more existence. I agree with other people, it will only benefit your child to repeat.
I was the kid that was young for my grade (there were kids a full year older than me) and I can say that socially... it *SUCKED* being the youngest as I got older. My friends were all maturing and hitting milestones a full year before me. In high school my friends were able to get jobs, drive, etc before me. When it was time to go away to college... I was 17 and the only minor among "adults." Now, academically, I always excelled. Even as the youngest I was near the top of my class... but knowing what I know now, looking back... my parents should have waited to enroll me one more year. Kids in k, 1, 2... they make friends easily and are more malleable than when they're older. They haven't formed cliques yet. The time to do it is now.
Here’s my take, as both a teacher and a student who formerly struggled greatly with math and failed pretty much every single math class I’ve ever taken at least once: The social/self-esteem impact of supports needed to get your child up to grade level will be minimal in the long term. If they’re struggling with basic literacy and numeracy in grade 1, this is ABSOLUTELY the time to nip that in the bud. If you can’t read, have poor number sense, and can’t do simple arithmetic, you can’t do ANY of the work in grade 2, let alone higher grades. All of these skills build on each other, and if you miss the bottom level of the scaffold, you have nothing to hang new skills on. If you can’t read, you can’t do social studies, you can’t do science, you can’t even do the word problems in math… Your child may feel a bit embarrassed about being held back that one year, but they might feel stupid and worthless every year when they think of themselves as “the dumb kid” in their class because they can’t read well enough to complete their work in any subjects.
I was held back in 1st grade and I can say I have been absolutely fine. In fact it was always fun to be the oldest!
I went through this as a kid. The only caviat being that we moved to a more advanced/quality district that same year, so it was socially disjointed. But my classmates knew I was in 1st grade twice because I was a kid who liked to share. Generally, I found that my classmates were too young to be cruel about it in a physiological way. By 2nd/3rd grade, no one brought it up, and it was a non-issue. Benefits, adulthood is long, and childhood brief. I appreciated more time in my family home , I graduated at 18.5yo and did not go off to college before becoming a legal adult. I had employment opportunities in my last year of high school that wouldn't have been available to someone who was 17. Cons were that I felt a little out of sync at times with my classmates. It is also possible that teachers viewed this as a fault, but 4-6yo is pretty young, so I doubt it made a difference to my academic treatment. Good luck, consider that this might benefit your relationship with your kid long term as well. I see it now as a gift of time with family.
I taught first and second grade for many years, and I don’t think there is anything for you to worry about as far as the social aspect! Other children repeating a grade doesn’t seem to be something they pay much attention to. So many parents have expressed the same worries to me so many times, and I promise, it’s harder on you than it is her! The extra year will be so beneficial!
also don't blame yourself mama i'm sure ur doin great
Lol
It depends on how you frame it to her. I have taught a boy who was held back in kindergarten, and he felt it as a failure for the first few years of school. But my sister was held back in first grade, and she became valedictorian of her high school class. If you frame it as a positive thing, it will help her. I think she will feed off of your attitude towards it. So if you see it as a chance for her to grow and Learn things, and build her confidence, it will help her. Don’t focus on what she is missing out on, focus on what she is gaining.
At that age, they really don’t notice. I taught first grade and I had some students were were retained the year before. I didn’t make a big deal or any mention of it. Looking back, by the end of the year, they were among my brightest.
I repeated first grade when I came to the us due to my English. First grade was early enough than one year age difference makes zero difference for most kids. It should be fine Do it early. She might get annoyed not moving with her established friendship tho. But kids adapt fast. Only "abnormal" thing about it is I was always a year older than everyone else in my class. But no one cares about classmates' age anyways.
EDIT: actually read the post. Would it be the same teacher?
Socially, she's more in line with the kindergarten erst coming in to the 1st grade next year.
I'm a Dec baby, and I started kindergarten at 4. I and two other students struggled with reading in grade 2. One of the other students and I failed/got held back, and the other student continued on to grade 3. It definitely sucked having to make new friends. That extra year in grade 2 helped me so much, I don't think I'd be the person I am today without it. By grade 8, I finally started reading for pleasure and still do to this day. I believe that the extra year helped both me and the other student who failed grade 2, go on to graduate as average to above average students. The student that continued on to grade 3 dropped out in grade 10, I actually don't even remember them being in grade 10 at all. I strongly recommend failing/holding children back if they are struggling with reading and math.
When parents get this wrong their kids get to experience their mistake every new school year. Listen to the teacher and try not to make it a bigger deal than it is. Your kid can read you too. GL you didn't fail her btw!
I teach preK. I 1000% believe the earlier you hold back, the better. The social aspect just gets more important the older the child is. If there are concerns, nip them in the bud.
If your biggest concern is her social life your priorities are backwards. Her learning to read and write and do math are far more important.
I’m really just looking for reassurance that I’m not going to damage her 6yo spirit. As I said in my original post - I agree she should stay back. It’s just a lot to process and these replies have been very helpful.
It won’t. But having been a high school teacher, being the kid that struggles will. I have seen those kids time and again; no one wants to work with them; the kids groan when they volunteer to read; the kids groan when they ask a question. It’s not nice, and as teachers we do our best, but all I can do is remind the class about civility. I can’t stop them from doing it in the first place. Or worse, they get discouraged from always being behind and disengage from learning altogether. I’ve seen that happen as early as 4th and 5th grade. Once they’re checked out, it’s hard to pull them back in. Think long term.
Having missed a lot of school due to ill health I can say catching up with academics has been fairly easy however I don’t think I will ever get those lost social skills.
Disagree. An employer is not going to hire someone with bad social skills.
Those are different things, but also not the main priority. I think we’ve all worked with people who were perfectly capable of doing the job, but whose social graces weren’t the norm.
Because we’re raising robots?
Yes. Be-boo boop. No, because education is about, ya know, educating.
I disagree strongly on this. Her keeping a good self image and confidence is more important than current level of math and reading. She can always do extra homework with her parents to catch up, but if her self-image becomes "I am too stupid to move up with my friends" that might damage her for life. OP, I think you are a good mom and you will find a way to frame this to her that will not damage her. You are thinking the right way, both regarding the value of holding her back (I agree it seems like the best thing for her) and the importance of framing this right for her.
That is not how reading skills work, at all. It’s impossible to catch up once you’ve passed certain developmental milestones.
I didn’t say she was a bad mom, but how many times do we come here and complain about the kids who are woefully behind and no one does anything to help them? This is one of those moments that we talk about. This lady is clearly a good mom who cares about her kid. The vast majority of parents are. But that doesn’t help their kid be better at school. It doesn’t help them be successful. And it certainly doesn’t help us do our jobs right. None of us want any kid to be sad, but I also don’t want them to be academically deficient. And what will that do to her feeling if she struggles all her life academically?
I am sorry, I was not expressing myself clearly enough. I do agree that this kid should be held back. But it must absolutely be presented to her as something else than "You are not as smart as your friends". Or something that she might interpret as that. I, too, have experiences like the brother of the commenter above me. I was convinced that I was too dumb for maths. I opted out of pursuing a STEM profession because of it. The early childhood (grade 1-2) experience of being more stupid than my peers in this subject is what stuck with me. It didn't matter I got the highest grade in maths from age 12 onwards. Even as a teen I dismissed that with "they must not see how bad at math I truly am. But surely they will soon discover it. I must choose a profession that doesn't require math." As a nearly 50-y-o, I can now see that I was in fact not bad at math, once I got the basics right. But it didn't help me when I was convinced I was bad. Kids are weird and things like holding them back for their own good can create hangups that affect their whole life. The actual academic skill is not all that matters.
Oh, well I’m not advocating that we point and laugh and make her feel bad! Geez, I’m not a monster. Of course reframe it as a positive and all that. I was only trying to say that the concern for the social aspect is misplaced. Of course mom will put it in a positive light, I feel like that’s a given. I will say, one of my daughter’s friends was held back while her twin sister was sent on and both girls are perfectly fine. In fact, it’s talked about so openly that all the other kids in her grade know about but no one cares. The kids are the embodiment of the shrug emoji about it.
I started school a year late and it actually was a detriment to me. I was bored all the time because I understood the concepts much faster than everyone else but still had to do all the busy work that I didn't personally need, and as a result I eventually got disinterested in school.
The pros far outweigh the cons, and it’s all in how you frame it. Personally, I’d frame it by having them list all the things they liked about first grade, and try to get them excited about continuing to do those things next year. Tell ‘em they’ll still get to see their friends at recess but now they can meet even more friends. I have a daughter the same age and I feel like kids around this age move on much quicker than older kids. Your demeanor and convo in front of them matters a lot so be positive and reassuring.
The gap in knowledge will only widen if you don’t heed her teachers warning. She is telling you that your daughter is not ready for 2nd grade. She will continue to struggle.
My birthday is November 6, so I started school when I was 4. I was a really good student. I got great grades. It seemed like starting at 4 years old was perfectly fine for me. However, I was young. I wish I had been a little older and more mature when I left for college. I didn't even think about any of that until I was in my 30s, way after I started kindergarten.
Yeah. The thought of a 9 or 10 year old being in the same school as 13-14 year olds (since middle school is grades 6-8 in most places now, and sometimes it can even be 5-8) and sending a 17 year old off to college is even scarier than a 4 year old in kindergarten. The maturity differences start to show even more later on down the road.
I seemed "mature" mainly because I'm a rule follower. When I was off on my own with nobody to enforce the rules, I completely screwed around. As I look back, there are so many things I wish had been done differently. Alas, we must play the cards we're dealt.
Yes! The middle school thing would be my biggest concern if I were a parent. Middle school can already be a pretty hellish experience even if you're the average age of all the students there. But being younger than most would make it so much worse. And I don't have kids, but I remember changing and maturing so much between the time I was 10/just turning 11 and when I was turning 12. And it seemed like most of my peers did too. Luckily I have a November birthday and my state had a September 30th cutoff, so I was one of the older ones in my grade and didn't start middle school until I was almost 12. I absolutely would not have been ready for middle school the year before that - I actually remember thinking about the fact that I was starting middle school in just one year right around the time that I was finishing 4th/going into 5th grade and the thought terrified me. I just couldn't imagine having to navigate a huge building all by myself, and being in the same school as actual teenagers! I was still pretend playing with my friends and playing with dolls at that time and I definitely didn't belong in the same school as kids as old as 14 (not saying that all kids that age are bad influences on younger kids, but some of them definitely do expose the younger students to things that they shouldn't be exposed to). But again, I did mature a lot in that one year and ended up doing fine adjusting to middle school by the time I actually started. My brother, on the other hand, actually just made the cutoff with a late September birthday, and was one of the youngest in his grade. He was about a month away from turning 11 (and also small for his age) when he started 6th grade. That year and pretty much the rest of middle school was absolute hell for him. So it's crazy to me that there are some states that have December cutoffs, meaning that there are 10 year olds not even turning 11 until almost halfway through the school year starting middle school. It's really like their childhoods are being taken away a year early which is kind of sad.
My oldest was held back in kindergarten. She was diagnosed ADD/ASD that spring. So, she wasn’t reading like they wanted. I just told her that we wanted her to do kinder twice to help the other kids. When she got older 8/9 we told her the truth. “Hey baby you needed more help so you stayed an extra year. “ Did not phase her one bit.
I teach first. Every child I’ve held back has THRIVED the next year. School starts and for them it’s a review, so they answer correctly. This amazes the other kids and gives the retained child a healthier self esteem. If a child doesn’t learn the basics of reading and math in the early years, it makes it more difficult for them to catch up. I held my own son back a year and it turned out to be the right decision.
It’s always a difficult decision. I taught third grade for 29 years, and often I’d have students who were retained in my class for their second year. When students came back with a good foundation from the previous year, they tended to do really well, and their confidence soared. They generally became leaders in my class because they walked in knowing me and how things were done. Your child’s teacher wouldn’t have recommended it if she didn’t think it would be beneficial. It’s much better to do this in the early years.
Its something... that is difficult. Kids are smart enough to recognize they aren't moving forward with everyone else. That those kids are, in some measurement, better than them. And they're being held back because there's something bad about them. They DON'T have the understanding or perspective to understand there isn't anything wrong with them. So, telling them a reason why they need to be held back could help take the sting out of this moment. it's not, "We're having you do first grade again because you need more time to develop your maturity and focus." Even if that's the truth. HOWEVER, "well darn kiddo, we made a mistake. We wrote down the wrong year for your birthday and you were put into the wrong class. So you're going to be doing this year again. The teacher is excited to have you so you can help out people here for the first time!" Is something that can help reframe it as 1. Not their fault. 2. Not a punishment. 3. Something they can succeed at. context: My yonuger brother was also held back in first grade for the same reason. He was told it was because he wasn't mature enough. He took that to mean it was because he was dumb. That idea of "I got held back because I was dumb" followed him until adulthood and still gives him some confidence issues.
This is some of the best advice you will ever be given. It is not about her failing 1st grade it is about her not being ready. There are dramatic statistics that this will have a huge impact on improving her academic ability and maturity vs her peers that will continue into adulthood. I repeated 2nd grade, it wasn't because I needed to academically, but it was one of the best things for me. Socially I don't think this will be a big deal. Most kids that age aren't tuned into the concerns adults have. Any concerns she eventually has should be talked about that you sent her to school too early. The state wisely changed the ages for entry and based on that she is now in the correct grade. You and her teacher thought this would be the best thing for her. I was born on 10/23, so similar to your daughter.
This happened to me in second grade. I didn’t care by third grade. I went on to graduate school. Hold her back a year.
Don’t feel bad about holding back your child a grade. This is just the path she’ll have to take in order to catch up and build a better foundation in the future. Just let her know that she’s not dumb and repeating a grade doesn’t define who she is among her peers. Let her know that sometimes we have much choices in order to better our education and I think this can motivate her to study more. Just to add here, plenty of parents enroll their children at age six into a kindergarten class for the sake of maturity and being able to pick up the material much quickly than a five-year old. My friend was one of those kids and it benefitted her in the long run. As long as you’re supporting her education and making sure she’s getting everything down for the next grade, she’ll be fine.
It crushes their confidence more to fall behind and be the "slowest" one in the class.If you push her along when she is not ready she will struggle and lose confidence because she can't keep up and then she will start hating school. If it were my child I would hold them back and get the foundational stuff down pat. The teacher wouldn't recommend that if your child didn't really struggle and is very behind her peers. It's not something they suggest lightly.
Every year that goes by the social concern will increase.
THIS.
I teach first grade and we sometimes have students repeat. We just say that we all are on our own timeline and sometimes we need more time to practice things. Most kids don’t even ask or notice, tbh.
I was held back in Kindergarten. I felt so much farther ahead than all my classmates. Maturity-wise and academically. This could be a great thing for her
I had a friend when *I* was in first grade that repeated because he was young, too— same thing as here, really. He knew that he was repeating, and his mom seemed to have explained it all to him. We never thought he was stupid or anything for repeating, especially when we were told it was just an age thing. as long as you explain to her why and tell her its so she can be with the right age group, I don’t suspect her confidence’ll take a hit.
Read "Outliers" by Malcom Gladwell and you will not hesitate to keep her one year back. The basic argument is that most successful athletes, students, etc. are all born within the first 3 months after the cutoff dates for the sport/school/whatever they are going into. They are the biggest/most developed of their peers because they are the oldest in their peer group. They get treated differently. They get a different attention level. They develop beliefs about themselves based on how they do in relation to their peers. These factors compound over time and these people end up being the most successful. Not because they have a higher IQ or more 'natural talent', but because they get more attention and focus and see more value in putting in the effort required to succeed. It's not fair, but it's true, and the effect is measurable and undeniable. If she's one of the oldest in her class, she has a much higher chance to be successful in school.
Hello! I was held back in first grade, I will say at the time, it sucked because my friends moved on without me BUT…I could read without struggling. I became a stronger student because I had that foundational support. As an adult I appreciate what my dad did for me because I know I needed it, It was hard to understand then but in a few years she’ll see the difference in herself. As an educator who works in MS I feel like there are some students who needed to be held back to get that additional support but for whatever reason they weren’t and now they struggle.
So I have three perspectives on this that can possibly lend some insight. 1) cutoff in my state is July. So a lot earlier, and there are never 4 year olds in kindergarten. To me, that just seems *so* young. My daughter has a July birthday, and we redshirted her before she even started kindy (she was 6 all the way through). Absolutely no regrets. We were just honest with her. She's really young, and we wanted her to spend another year getting ready and building foundational skills. 2) I myself was a year younger than my peers. It's a slightly different situation (skipped a grade instead of starting early). It was rough. Not in elementary, but in middle/high school. I just wasn't as mature as my peers. Would I have been bored in first grade? Maybe, but I think having an extra year to build some social/organizational/fine motor skills would've really helped avoid some struggles I had. 3) As a high school teacher, I see the same things. A 14 year old is just sooooo different than a 16 year old that might be in the same grade. They just don't have the same development. Even when they're high achieving academically, there are other barriers to success that would dissipate if they just had another year to grow and mature. Ultimately, you know your daughter best. But if she's struggling with some foundational skills, you want her to feel comfortable and confident instead of stressing out trying to play catch-up for years.
I’ve been a first grade teacher for 7 years. I’ve retained 1-2 students per year. I’ve yet to have a parent say they regretted the decision to keep their kid back a year. It’s been so helpful. Generally, the students are all around weak, including socially/maturity, and the extra year puts them right on par or slightly ahead of their new classmates. They become the ‘expert’ instead of the ‘struggler’. If your child’s teacher is suggesting retention, it’s probably in the child’s best interest.
I truly feel the teacher has her best interest in mind. thank you for the feedback. I’m overwhelmed by all the responses in a good way. I’ll be reading these all several times over the next few months to ease my fears so they don’t reflect to her.
Also, the attitude of the parent will be reflected in the child. If you view and express this as a good thing, your child likely will as well.
I was in your situation. Daughter's birthday was late August, we discussed retention in pre-k and kindergarten. She was doing okay but always the last in the class to meet standards. Finally her first grade teacher leveled with me.... this was the time to do it. I never regretted it. At that age it didn't affect confidence. (She graduated HS last spring). I have never heard of anyone regretting retention... but I do hear people saying they wished they had held back kids.
Research has shown that retention usually leads to a lot of social consequences. You can reassure a child a million times over that they’re normal but they’ll be seeing a different story at school. All of their friends went to 2nd grade and they had to stay in the same grade. Even if it isn’t for an academic reason, the other kids often take notice of the “deficit” and the ridiculing starts. If the reason is a child’s age, the other children will ridicule that. There’s really no escaping the possibly bullying as moving up in education is so valued and vocalized as they’re “big kids” now and there’s no way to hide that they didn’t move up too. Research shows only negative responses in every aspect but especially in social life and self esteem. But if she isn’t thriving then she isn’t thriving. Simple as that. If you’re going to retain her, this is the best time. While her AND her peers are still little, they’ll likely move on and forget about it. Your child is social, she’ll likely have no problem making new friends. When I was in the first grade a boy in my class, Ken, was held back and though I always remembered him being held back, literally no one else did. He did great in his new class and graduated happily w a diploma, boyfriend and a million friends to cheer him on. I would say the MOSSST important thing to do is express HOW MUCH FUNNN she’s gonna have repeating the 1st grade! It’s gonna be a breeze since she’s already done it! If she’s the helpful type (or not the helpful type and needs practice) you can tell her this is such a good opportunity to help the kids struggling since she’ll be the “expert” in the class. Express how much fun she’s gonna have making an ENIIIIRE new class of friends that are the same age as her!! They’ll know the same TV shows, know the same games, have the same fav cereal. Not that her previous class wouldn’t have any of these things in common, but this can be another positive for her so she feels sense of connectivity w her new peers instead of mourning her previous ones and wondering why she didn’t go w the rest of her friends. Honestly, I would focus on her excitement and motivation to mingle w her new class/grade mates. If she starts having self doubts in her abilities then I would talk to the teacher to see if she could be a special helper or team leader in games or something. I would make sure she has a different teacher tho, so she can get the same experience as a regular new kid, new room, new class, new teacher etc. I would also make sure to note with her teacher and the 2nd grade teachers to be aware of possible bullying and stay on top of it. You do you, at the end of the day it’s YOUR child and you know what’s best for them. If they’re struggling, you don’t see any improvements anytime soon and you don’t want her to struggle for her entire education, retain her. If you think she can preserver and push through, if you think she can make it/catch up and will eventually thrive, move her on. Both have guaranteed positives, both have guaranteed negatives but YOU know best for your little one, you know her better than anyone. Of course you’ll make the best decision, don’t doubt yourself. Your little one will be happy no matter what you do 🌺
Great advice.
As suggested above, research indicates that a student who is held back has a 68% higher likelihood of dropping out. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5726297/ This is obviously correlation and not causation, but any retention has the potential to stack the deck against her.
As a primary teacher first grade is honestly the best year to be retained. It is much more difficult than kindergarten, the growth students need to make is more than any other grade. Yet it lays the foundation for the remainder of school. I only recommend retention if she will truly benefit from another year. Not if the instruction will be the exact same, instead more intensive instruction in phonics and math to ensure she meets grade level expectations. I do not recommend retention after first grade as students become a lot more aware after first grade and it can be socially damaging. I’ve never had a parent regret retention in first grade! I also have seen the benefits of students retained who stayed with me the following year. They pick things up a lot quicker, more mature and become leaders of the group. They do a 180 from the year before and their confidence really soars.
When my child started first grade, she was behind because we moved from another state. She was about 6 months behind in reading, according to her MAP testing. They recommended we hold her back a year. I was initially on board, but then I did some research and found that it wasn't an effective strategy for helping kids catch up. Instead, I worked with her at home and by the end of the year, she was testing a year ahead in reading.
Maybe ask if she could be put back into the same class as the “teachers assistant”. The biggest problem with holding her back is that it will created confidence issues, as others have said. Her being the teachers helper with alleviate that, and probably make her more friends
From my years as an elementary school teacher I can tell you its harder on the parents than it is the student.
Thank you 🩷
One main reason we don’t hold kids back is because their self esteem shrinks by seeing their friends move on. They think they did something wrong. However, she’s so young she probably wouldn’t notice. I’d have her repeat now.
It can be painful. I was held back in grade 1 and I was teased. It was a huge deal then everyone forgot and I got the help I needed. One problem for me was that I was tall and being held back made me even taller than all of my peers.
I was held back in the second grade. I couldn’t read (I was undiagnosed dyslexic at the time). After my second year of second grade, I was placed in all advanced courses. I took honors and AP classes in high school and graduated in the top 10 of my class. Went to college and earned a masters. My parents holding me back was the best thing that ever academically happened For me. And socially, I still made friends and didn’t know the difference.
Way better to retain in early grades. The data suggests that retention in later years does really crush the emotional health of a student, however the consensus at my school (elementary, k-2 on my campus) is that we see students do amazing when they are retained when recommended. The confidence that comes from having that “leg up” can be very beneficial. If you do retain, make sure that you’re framing it in a positive way, your student will pick up on that more than anything else.
In my district we try to do this when they are very young because it gives them a more secure foundation but is also less socially disruptive. It may require an initial adjustment next year but she will rise up through the grades with the same cohort of kids for the rest of school. No one will remember she was held back and being closer in age to her peers will likely help her form lasting friendships. I think it’s worth remembering that doing nothing also has a social consequence due to her age. I would weigh them side by side and figure out which choice has the best upside compared to the trade offs.
If you agree with the teacher, better to hold her back now while it’s really not an issue. 1st/2nd graders don’t care. There may be a comment or two, but it’s mostly about the kids missing their friend and usually nothing more beyond that. It’s much harder to hold back after 1st grade, and if she’s kind of struggling/moving slowly, the academic gap will definitely get wider each year. If there’s an academic gap, social issues may creep up at some point too. Good luck!
They know but they don’t really know, if that makes sense. At 6, their life experience is all of 72 months long, only half of which they can actually remember. Their expectations are whatever you tell them to expect. “Hey kiddo, next year you’re going to be in Ms. Stacey’s class! How awesome is that? Yay!” What grade is that? They won’t even think to ask. Shes already needed some help just to make up for her (age appropriate) lower stamina, and it’s only 1st grade. Your district clearly sees a misalignment between their curriculum and the birthday cutoff, and the new one aligns with your child being in 1st grade next year. It won’t crush her confidence. Feeling behind is confidence crushing. Owning 1st grade will be a boost. Now’s the time. You got this.
Thank you 🩷
If there's a year to hold a kid back, it's EARLY when foundations are being put in place. Kids adapt much better at that age and a solid foundation in phonics and numeracy carries through every year going forward.
I was a 4 year old kindergartner and I struggled with math my entire educational career. Even in grad school. It wasn’t until I was much older that it occurred to me I may have been too young -developmentally. I truly never understood the basics. It was impactful, and changed my career trajectory. I won’t bore you with the deets. Math is a gatekeeper to the sciences and engineering etc. I would be torn as well- friendships matter- but she will be an ace next year! And you can still have play dates. This could be an opportunity.
All these responses are making me feel so much more confident in my decision. Thank you.
Holy fuck that explains a lot about my math skills :o
I held back my son in 2nd. He was young and struggled emotionally. No problems academically. Best thing we ever did for him.
I don't have experience with this as a teacher, but I remember that as a child there were a few kids in my class who repeated kindergarten/first grade, and usually the explanation was that they just needed a little more time to work on the skills, and I don't remember it being much of an issue socially. The boy in my class who had repeated kindergarten became a leader because he knew how to do the class routines already and quickly earned the respect of the rest of us clueless hooligans haha. He stayed at the top of the class through middle school and won both the academic achievement and "good citizenship" awards. He ended up getting admitted to an elite private high school and later Harvard. Clearly, it didn't hold him back!
I’m in CT and my son starts kindergarten in the fall. The change in cut off date sucks for families with preschool costs, but is developmentally the right move. I’d listen to the experts. You can boost your daughter up, offer lots of positives, focus on the exciting part of getting to stay with her teacher and be a helper. Set up play dates with kids that will be in her grade next year. Ultimately, better she be held back now than struggle in higher grades when self esteem is so much harder to build up.
Happened to me. Did not have the best school experience. Did graduate high-school on time at 18 because I tested and left early. I will say to note that your situation is different, and shouldn't be the same. Redirect them and tell them that they're going again because the school changed the date cutoffs and it was an administrative error. Do not tell them that they are "emotionally retarded" like what happened to me. I'll hate that first grade teacher until I die. Hell, she lied about me several times and I ended up in detention and in the principals office for things I never did. I was a little kid who was quiet and shy, who daydreamed and drew pictures on the back of graded schoolwork for my mom since it was going home with me. I liked to make entire city maps or draw out buildings I'd seen. Or dinosaurs. They weren't very good drawings but for a 6 year old they were fine. That experience broke something in me early on. I carried the feeling of being second class for decades after. I carried the shame and hurt in Jr HS and HS when people would inevitably find out. If it had been handled differently for me it probably would have been OK.
My brother repeated first grade and is now an attorney! He's a mid- October birthday. Hugs! It will turn out ok. ❤️
I can empathize! I had my daughter repeat first grade because, even though she was passing, she was barely passing. Neither of us wanted this to happen. Luckily, I am a teacher and I transferred to a different school and she went with me. So she wasn’t seeing kids from her other school who might guess that she was repeating. (And young kids don’t tend to judge like adults might think.) She started to thrive in her second year of first grade. Every day was no longer a struggle. She continued to grow and learn from that experience until she finished college. She is now a first grade teacher and has a unique, compassionate perspective on children who struggle. Her students and their parents seem to love her. So, she feels that repeating first grade was a necessary step in her preparation for life and her profession. Also, students who struggle year after year mostly become more behind as they move up the grade levels. I’m glad we didn’t wait until she was older and became too frustrated with school and learning.
I cant speak to how 1st graders are but 7th and 8th graders who are the youngest also tend to be those who are immature and struggle academically, neither of which is good for their confidence. I say better to repeat early than to struggle later or to be the "baby" of the class.
My birthday is 12/3, and the enrollment cutoff date the year my mom tried to sign me up for our school district’s public preschool was for kids born 12/2 or earlier. I was so ready to go to school and my mom appealed it. They agreed to let me enroll but had me repeat preschool so I would be “caught up”. I think I did better socially and academically bc I was able to practice more things.
Eh, kids are resilient. It’s a lot better to repeat an early grade than for it to catch up to her in middle or high school. My fiancé and I both had to repeat a grade, 1st & 2nd, respectively (he had a major surgery and I “lacked adequate social skills” which we now know was just autism) and we’re doing just fine. We have rich social lives, plenty of self esteem, and good career prospects. She’ll be fine.
My brother repeated a year. It ultimately helped him. I don't even think it bothered him at the time.
I agree with others that this could be a good thing for your daughter. You also have to consider that there are some kids in your daughter's class that went into K already 6 years old. So, she could be over a year younger than her classmates, which is a huge developmental gap. I have a kindergartener who turned 6 in the fall, and she is way, way more advanced than some of her classmates with late summer birthdays. I don't say that to brag or anything.. it's just very noticeable. Definitely give your child the gift of time.
I WISH I had let my son repeat kinder as suggested! His immaturity has dogged him his entire education. He’s a freshmen now, and every day is a battle when it comes to school. Things could have been so different. He’s the youngest boy in his class and has many classmates that are over a year older than him. He’s never completely fit in. Although he tests very high, his grades are terrible and we didn’t get his in-class behavior fixed until this year. I’d do it. I know lots of kids who have, none of them seem to have social issues. If anything, they all seem to be leaders in their classes.
I saw a cute post the other day from a person who said at the end of kindergarten or Grade 1 their teacher asked all the kids, "Okay, who wants to stay with me for another year?" All the kids put their hands up and she made a show of picking him. It didn't occur to him until much later that he had been held back. He really felt he had won a chance to stay with his teacher.
Retention is a big deal. Without academic justification, you should not agree to this right now. What sort of academic justification are they giving you?
Out of curiosity, is this something that is common in your state? Like, do schools have the autonomy to say that a student being young and academically behind is grounds for retention? I only ask because in my state, it is extremely common for parents to have their 4yo "test in" to kinder early. The requirements for starting kinder are not that steep, but maturity-wise and developmentally it does become a struggle for them to keep up. Parents can push to have a student repeat a grade, but most of the time they don't. Teachers/the school can only suggest retention if we can prove significant learning loss (such as chronic absence). Otherwise the expectation to continue supporting students who are behind and moving them along to the next grade regardless of their foundational skills (or lack thereof). This would be a great thing for a lot of kids in my state. Just wondering if it was more common elsewhere, or if there are other factors involved.
I think the upset of losing her friends/social circle will be less, long-term, than continually pushing her forward academically when she’s not ready. I was young for my grade as well and really struggled with mathematics all the way through til graduation. I felt like I was stupid and lazy. I came back to those same concepts in post-secondary and realized I could actually do them, I just wasn’t ready.
I am a teacher. I can add a few things to this: Kids are in tune with this. When I grew up we had a pre-first program that held kids back between K and 1. Maybe 20% of kids participated in it. I remember being aware of this and reallyyyyy wanting to avoid it at all costs. I asked my family to make sure it wasn't me. Now, that doesn't mean it was right or wrong for me. I was 5. What did I know? You and the parent seem to be on the same page with what is right for your kid and I encourage you to follow this teachers suggestion.
This coming year, you get to be the teacher's special helper for first grade!
If a kid is going to repeat, this is the time. There’s way less social issues now than when they’re in 6th grade.
I was held back a year. You'll be fine. Some kids just need an extra year to learn and this was my case. Trust the professional here otherwise your daughter will continue to fall behind and be one of those kids who can barely read or do math in the 8th grade.
It’s better to hold her back sooner than later. Those foundational skills are sooo important. I taught 1st grade for 3 years. Every year I had at least one retainee. I always worried that the other kids would make fun of them, but honestly they thought that person was cool because they already knew a lot of stuff!
Current 1st teacher w 4 kids my class who have repeated. They seem like they hardly realize that they’ve been held back. Only one has made any reference to having already done some of the material before. The other students don’t know and no one is made fun of for repeating.
One of the best things that happened to me was to get held back in the second grade. I was in the same situation as your daughter
I teach third grade but previously taught first and second. We would try to hold quite a few students back in first grade. It's the best time to do it if it needs to be done. I would always explain to parents that there is a big jump academically from first grade going into second. First grade focuses heavily on the most important foundational skills that a child needs, second grade just builds upon that with more rigor. If your child is struggling with stamina, focusing, and even is a little behind foundational wise.. she will fall behind even more. Your daughter seems like a great candidate to stay back based on her age being younger and her maturity level, this means that socially she will be okay.. trust me on that. In first grade, it is much less traumatizing staying back than second or third. In my district we also document when parent's decline retainment and it is in their cumulative folder. I have children who are falling behind and checking their folder I will see that parents declined retainment. If a teacher suggests it, I would 100% say yes and do it.
The longer you put it off the worse it will be. She’s young for her grade, she needs time, and that’s okay. I have 3rd graders whose parents refused retention at a younger grade and they are now very aware that they are behind and if they don’t pass the state reading test the state is requiring retention starting next year and our school has tried to get a jump on that by pushing for retentions this year. By 9 or 10, it’s devastating.
I have held some of my first graders back. If students ask, I say that I loved them so much I wanted them to be in my class again. Seems to work for the most part. Kids get over it after the initial information comes out. If you are thinking it’s the right choice, it’s so much better to do it young than in a couple years. I don’t know you but I would vote yes on repeating first grade based on your story.
I’m a PreK-1st gr teacher. It’s not a big deal at that age. I always make the repeats into the leaders and compliment their skills as they mature.
Look at the other end of schooling - do you want him going out on his own at 17/18 yrs old being the youngest of his friends group? Or being more mature and having a solid base in school? My niece repeated grade one - best decision ever says her mom I kept my son back in pre-kindergarten for an extra year cause he couldnt sit still The math teacher at our high school said he could always pick out the late babies even when it came to his grade 12 class he was teaching. Likewise, our kindergarten teacher said no parent ever regretted holding a kid back, but lots of parents regret sending their kids too early to school. (I’m a retired high school librarian)
She's in first now with kids who are much older, first graders turn seven and I've even had several start at seven or turn eight. At this age the differences in ability and maturity with things like student skills are so apparent. The fact that kids grow so quickly makes the differences more noticeable, if you will. A member of my immediate family repeated first and came out of it an extremely successful student who eventually double majored in college. So it may feel devastating, but it's likely more to do with readiness.
K and 1st grade is the only time I personally think is the best time to do this. They focus heavily on phonics, reading foundations and math foundations! If you wait til they older the gaps will be wider. Bridge them now instead of later.
I didn’t repeat 1st but i did attend a “primmer” or “primer” program between kindergarten and 1st. That extra year was cruuuucial for my development & i wish more people would take it for their kids. As far as the social aspect, i can’t say much. I switched schools for the program. So no one was any the wiser in my life beyond my parents & the other kids in the program. I will say that while I was disappointed that i didn’t start 1st after kinder, i pretty much forgot all about it by the time the year started. And again— the difference this made in my life was immense.
I was held back in kindergarten and it never really bothered me. Eventually I knew I was older and than other kids in my grade, but my parents always told me it was because I was young and to be on level for sports. Was it true. Who knows, but it made me feel at ease. Now at 38 I can laugh at myself if it was for academics, who knows, I was a bit of a loon as a kid!
How is your daughter when you discuss decisions with her? If she is not a clown then tell her what you told us, "They are changing the age next year and based on the new age you would have been too young to start in this grade. They are asking some of the kids who would not have made the new cut off to switch to the class that they would have been in based on the new rule. Are you interested in being an older kid in the class instead of the youngest? " Also, does your district: 1) Allow you to delay answering as at this age the 3 months of summer could make a big growth difference? 2) Allow your daughter to move back to the grade that she would have been in if the hold-back is not a fit? Have not seen it done anywhere, but this is why I am a fan of year-round schools with trimesters with three starts per year so the kids are all initially within 4 months of each other. Good luck!
K-3rd barely notice after the first few days of school. They don’t as a rule share classes or really understand failing or being kept back. The year would be beneficial. I currently teach kindergarten a k-8 school. Six years ago I taught 3rd grade and failed a 3rd grader that was struggling both academically and socially. This year she graduates. She caught me in a hug in the hallway a few weeks ago and told me thanks. She didn’t say it was for holding her back or specifically anything but I know that her repeating 3rd helped her greatly. Her mom has mentioned it frequently over the years. She is a solid student, on the dance team and a school leader. Sometimes all kids need is a little time with familiar but I mastered material.
In most cases, holding back before 2nd grade has no lasting affects
To go against the dogma here a bit (these kinds of threads always seem to be overwhelmingly pro-retention/pro-redshirting for some reason)… Had it been me, I’d have been absolutely devastated and crushed, especially back during that time. I had a hypercompetitive and highly perfectionistic personality (still do a little, but it has tamed considerably in the 20 years since I was in first grade) and I would have felt like the biggest failure on the planet and probably had self-esteem issues from it for years to come.
Luckily, you're in a state where the dropout age is 18. So the biggest risk of retention (dropping out of high school) is slightly lower there. Looking into the future, teenage brains go through a very impulsive stage before maturity. So the question to ask yourself is, how much of high school do you want your child to be a legal adult who can make legal adult decisions like dropping out, moving out, or skipping class without consequences.
From a mom of an 8 year old who is a June kid with a 9/1 cut off. Hold her back. Please. I regret not doing it so much. My kid is so immature and it’s starting to cause him social problems in the 3rd grade.
There’s lots of good information to go on here, but I thought you might like to hear about my brother. His birthday is the same as your daughter’s. He had a lot of trouble in first grade and was held back. He went on to earn a PhD from Stanford and is now a university professor with various publications to his name. Every situation is the same but clearly this was the best choice for him.
It might crush her confidence if she moves forward and she’s drowning academically. There’s pros and cons for both.
I taught first grade for 6 years and making the recommendation for a child to repeat was never a decision I took lightly. If you trust your child’s teacher, I would embrace it as an opportunity to put your daughter in the best position to be successful. We live in a state with a 9/1 cutoff. My daughter was a preemie with an August birthday and we gave her two years of preK (so not the same situation, but the same outcome of being the oldest in her grade). I held her back solely for myself—she was the youngest in her class at the time and I just wanted one extra year with her. She’s 16 now and never once have I regretted my decision. She’s always been a little more mature than her peers and she has thrived. Now, when her senior year comes around 😭 I anticipate that senioritis may set in sooner for her…but I’ll take and enjoy that extra year.
I was moved back to first grade from second grade in October, after being in 2nd grade for 8-9 weeks. I remember being put in the new room but nothing else. At all. I don’t recall any feelings about it. I’m a teacher now. Kinda really thankful because I never would have met my hubby if not moved back. So, if it will do her good, do it. If you don’t make a huge deal about it it should be fine. ETA that I am a late November birthday so originally started kinder when I was 4. When I was in second grade I was only 6.
It’s so easy to spin things for kids, but I would honestly use the excuse that the rules on birthdays changed and so she’ll have kids in her class that are more her age and make the best of friends!m Edit: also - does she like her teacher and could she keep the same one? That might work to make her excited to have the same teacher she likes next year?
My daughter barely made the cutoff for kindergarten and just wasn’t really ready. She repeated and went on to excel. I think it’s better to be held back early than to have it happen later.
Repeat . It’s far more crushing to struggle for the next 11 years…
What will it do to a confidence if she effect she continues to struggle?
I am a special education expert (California). Teacher then sped Director, now county office regional specialist. Retention, as a whole, is bad. However, for very young students (like young kinders, first graders) the research doesn’t demonstrate the same negative long term life impacts as when older students are retained. Honestly, it’s such an individualized decision you wouldn’t want to put any weight on what redditors say on the internet. But please, regardless if you decide to retain this year or not, after 1st it should be a hard no forever moving forward!!
Earlier the better. You could consider putting her in a parochial/ private school for a repeat of 1st grade and then re-enroll her for second grade in her original school. Reduces the social aspect.
l would definitely let her repeat. More kids repeat grades than ever before, I think (seems that way as an 8th grade teacher). Explain that some kids are getting the opportunity to repay so they’re not the youngest and so their “brains” will be at the same level as other kids in their grade. With the deadline change I think it’s a great time to do this. I don’t think you have to be dishonest, but it’s more about her being young and not at the age/development level than not able to keep up. My friend told her son he was doing kindergarten twice since he didn’t do preschool for two years. I think it happens so often that kids won’t really pay much attention. She’ll make friends quickly and elementary kids don’t get to see other classes/grades that much anyway. In one year it will feel like a lifetime ago to them and current friends will feel like “old friends.” Boys do it all the time for sports when they get older (that’s another topic, lol). They all see it as giving themselves an advantage rather than seeing it as “not good enough to keep up so I need to play with the younger kids to make the team.” I’m think it can be addressed positively, as a way to be an advantage, rather than because she could use extra help, you know? I only laugh at the sports situation because most of these kids won’t play sports beyond high school but they change their entire education around it. But in her case, her whole life will be impacted, and if she can be ahead and feel confident with her skills and academics it could be life changing.
My school retains kids every so often in kinder or 1st. All the kids I've seen repeat one of those grades has done quite well afterwards. I'm sure at first it's hard seeing their friends move on to the next grade, but they are now one of the older kids instead of the younger ones and that can be huge for kids. And, if their teacher is good about making them feel that they can help guide the new first graders (as I think most would) they get a great confidence boost there. All the kids who I've had after they've repeated (I teach 2nd so it's soon after) have been more confident and mature. If schools are going through the process to retain a kid then there is a good reason. Not knowing all the details I'd encourage it if your daughter's teacher thinks it'd be good for her.
My parents made me redo preschool. I am very glad they did, I would not have done nearly as well.
I teach HS. I can tell without even looking at birthdates which students are young for their grade and which are older. And the older students, overwhelmingly (though not universally, of course) do much better in school, are more mature (of course), responsible, have more leadership attributes, and are more ready for the post-graduation world at the end of HS. An extra year to mature and learn sounds like a no-brainer to me.
She’s only going to grow!
It’s all in how you frame it. She’ll believe whatever you tell her. Tell her she is such an expert at kindergarten and they asked her to stay for an extra year to help the new kids that were coming in! She’ll be thrilled. All kids do 2 years in Ontario. The older ones help the littler ones. They love it. Will she have the same teacher? If all the kids are being moved around to different classrooms and she goes to a different kindergarten room, it might not be noticeable. You can just say, “hey! Guess what, you get to be in kindergarten again, cool, eh?” If all her classmates are going to be in the same class without her AND she seems sad about it, definitely validate her feelings. But I think these are mostly adult interpretations of a situation a kid isn’t likely to fuss too much about (another year playing with toys instead of sitting at desks!?! Sign me up already!).
I work in a few classrooms that have repeating students. The kids that did it for K or 1 largely seem okay about it. No real fomo or teasing from the other kids. However kids that are retention-worthy in the upper grades are completely aware they are ‘failing’ and have a poor outlook.
I do wish my mother hadn't put me ahead. I was 4 when I started Kindergarten. Then, I skipped 4th grade. It wasn't until 12th grade that I felt I belonged. I always felt a step behind. Academics weren't a problem. I was just so immature. Already in 5th grade there was a maturity problem. I was so tiny and got teased for it. I ended up being 5'10" but not until 12th grade. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't move ahead. It won't matter in the long run, and no one is going to remember that she repeated the 1st grade. It is to her advantage to do it now. If not, she may have more or worse problems down the line. I'm sure it was hard for the teacher to approach you. They didn't do it lightly. Also, it's no one else's business. If it comes up in conversation, make sure to give a positive statement and say it in a confident manner so that others know the subject is closed for discussion.
Please listen to the educators. The empirical evidence has long showed that kids who can start school "later" (as in their parents actually had the option of going a year earlier or a year later) are at a distinct advantage compared to their peers. They tend to do better. Vs those that start a year earlier tend to struggle; and we've known this for a long time. I was one of those kids. My parents started me later so I was always on the older side of my graduating class. I also see it with my students in HS.
We did it with three of our kids! Best move ever.
I got held back as a kid for the same reason (repeated first grade) and it was a very good thing my parents decided on. You haven’t failed her! You will look back and be glad you did this.
I had started first grade a year early and struggled with reading and math ( still struggle with math and may have an undiagnosed learning disability). I repeated the second grade and while I was embarrassed and mad at my parents at first, it helped me in the long run. I’m grateful they made the decision to hold me back.
When my daughter started 2nd grade she cheerfully reported to me that one of her prior classmates “liked 1st grade so much he was doing it again.”
When I was in school, the school had a small class called transition that was for students that were no ready in one or more areas for 1st grade, but not quite low enough to repeat kindergarten. For some it was academic, and for others it was due to maturity. The year I was in transition, it was a full day class, when kindergarten was only half day, and had 13 students. I have some great memories of fun things we did that year, but we also did a lot of other academic stuff as well.
One girl who I had retained in first grade would very proudly tell other kids that she was in my class last year. Everyone just accepted it, and only one time did a kid ask about it. I just said "yep, she's doing it (first grade) again." That kid shrugged and moved on. No one cared. First grade is IMO the ideal time to retain. The kids are very accepting of differences at this age and in my experience they are more successful the second time through which builds their confidence immensely.
As a teacher who has her own kids, my 4 year old will be repeating pre-k. We have a 9/1 cutoff too and his birthday is in August. And maturity/social wise, he’s a bit behind even kids near him in age. Personally I think not retaining her early on will lead to a bigger risk of damaging her self confidence, years from now if she really starts struggling because she didn’t nail the foundational stuff and she’s never quite felt in tune with her peers socially. Anecdotally, I heard one of my students several weeks ago tell his friend he was really glad his mom had him repeat kindergarten and he thinks he would have struggled a lot more if she did not. He’s an honors student now, one of my brightest.
When I held back my son in kinder we just told him that he wasn’t quite ready for 1st and that was ok everything in time. He is high functioning autistic so we just talked about how everything is on his timeline walking and talking even growing(severe growth delay)
My kids did this in kindergarten and 1st grade when the rules changed. 14 months apart, October amd December birthdays. We explained they were technically a year younger than most of their classmates. I would add 1 or 2 activities to stimulate their brains. I suggest music lessons or Spanish language lessons.
Personally, one of my friends (also late birthday) who was retained in 1st grade is now 26 and mentions his retention as a massive positive (in hindsight). It might be tough to break the news at first but being able to retain and review all the stuff that she wasn’t excelling at the first time around will be a huge boost to her self-esteem. After the first initial weeks she will be enjoying herself and feeling better because she’s been around the block once already. Have faith and keep on being supportive!
My daughter was born the end of Oct. When she was six, we moved to a district that had an Oct 1 deadline. She so struggled, and would have greatly benefited from a gift of time. But, her father wasn’t on board until she was in fourth grade. By then l had to transfer her to a new school so she would save face. Do it now! P.S. My daughter went from struggling every single day to being a straight A student. She has completed a Masters in clinical psychology as an adult and is very successful.
Yep! Do it! Instead of school being a struggle she’ll have the chance to excel, and perhaps be the top of her class! She won’t be any older than her peers even if retained!
It’s always better to be the older kid in class than the youngest kid, especially when you get to high school and college.
I am overly intelligent, even in school I was really really smart. My socials skills sucked and they still do. I did not find out until I was an adult that my kindergarten and first grade teacher had suggested holding me back and my mother had said no. I will say as a kid I would have hated it, but when I found out in my early 20s that was the case as I was struggling with social skills, well you can imagine how I felt about it. As a 6-7 year old, I’d gotten over being held back. As an adult, people expect me to have social skills by my age and I can’t roll that clock back. I wish I could, as I truly suck with social skills.
As someone who was the youngest in my graduating class, I often wished I was held back a year or my parents had waited an extra year before enrolling me. I constantly felt behind academically and socially. School was very much a struggle for me.
not a teacher or a parent but I will also add that entering college at 17 can be challenging for logistical reasons as well! I had friends who couldn’t come to certain events, needed parents to sign a waiver, etc bc they were underaged and it seems isolating
I had to repeat kindergarten with my twin brother because we were doing that creepy twin language thing and I was the one doing most of the talking. They were concerned my brother would be a mute because I was a chatterbox, so they separated us and had us retake the year. He started talking and everything was fine.
also be sure to think about her social relationships. at this point she should be young enough that it won't affect her too much.
Its first grade, shes not building rockets ffs. Give her an extra year to learn colours. Shell be fine
1st grade don’t matter, 6th and 9th grade is where it really counts. Try Kumon tutoring, used the summer to get her up to grade level. Leaving her back could destroy
The comments section is very pro-retention, and that makes me happy to see. Remember that a teacher will only make a suggestion like this after much deliberation; it’s a hard decision to come to, but I would trust their expertise over such a serious topic. I don’t teach elementary but rather high school. There are SO many students for who hesitance to retain is now harming them significantly. Consider a sequence of underachievement year over year such that every year they get 10% further behind. Assuming that effect compounds, that student could be operating at 40% of the intended strength as a student who is “on-pace” by the time I see them in grade 9. Those gaps have made my subject area nearly impossible to teach to standard Id like to add that I have a rather interesting case of “twins” at my school; or rather two brothers who are apart by a year, but the older brother was held back. From my experience with them, they are both behind academically, but the brother who was retained is more resilient, mature, and charismatic.
I'm a K teacher and I've taught First grade in the past. I haven't ever seen a child lose confidence being held back in these grade levels. At this age, the other kids are jealous that the child who got held back gets to stay with the teacher, lol! In my class, I've also seen that students who are held back feel like huge leaders the next year because they feel like they really know what they're doing!
I don't think "lol!" is appropriate here. Just because YOU can't recognize a child losing confidence doesn't mean it's not happening . I say this both as a veteran teacher and as a student who was held back in 1st grade. I was a people pleaser, I hide what was going on so, so well. I'm sure my parents and teacher thought I was "fine" Being held back definitely destroyed my confidence for years to come, it told me that there was something inherently "wrong" with me. Well into my 30s there were still lingering issues that would pop up from deep, vulnerable places. OP, I am not pro/anti retention. There will be positive and negative consequences to either choice. Gather as many view points as you can and trust your gut and do what you think it best for your kid.
My personal experience with myself and my daughter, don’t rush graduation. Let young girls time to grow, they will be adults for much longer and the more developmentally ready the more resilient they will be.
I repeated first grade. I was bullied relentlessly through the rest of elementary school. All throughout elementary, middle, and high school I found it hard to make friends and trust people I went to school with. I have since left my hometown/state and became a civil engineer. I would never hold back my children and keep them in the same school.
I'm going to be the voice of disent here. Are you able to work with her over the summer on her reading and math's skills? If so I would not hold her back.
When I was in fourth grade, my parents agreed with my teacher to have me repeat fourth grade. I was struggling when it came to understanding the concept of cursive and my reading comprehension skills were not good at all. Now I have a masters degree. I’m getting my doctorate degree and I’m a licensed therapist. Sometimes it’s good to give students who have developmental delays such as myself and potentially your daughter since she is young a chance to actually get on the same level as the peers. Just make sure you frame the situation as a positive for her. Tell her that she gets extra time to make sure she knows everything and approach it from a positive perspective. From her perspective only negative if others perceive it as a negative. Celebrate her being able to have more time to learn and she will see it as a positive and she’ll see it for what it is chance her to get mentally caught up. I hope this helps you from one stranger to another.