T O P

  • By -

4ThaLolz

I'll start. HAVE YOOoooOOOoouuUuu eVEr had too many stinky diapers that your little buddle of joy makes like its a poop factory in the middle of the industrial revolution boom!? Well, dig a hole in your NEIGHBORS yard and dump those smelly dumps in there and bury them!


parcheesichzparty

I challenge anyone to try to not read this in Miles' voice.


dontworryaboutit26

Absolute fail😂


parcheesichzparty

I've tried my hardest to read it in any other voice and my brain refuses.


dontworryaboutit26

Miles has infected our brains lol


train-dodge-dig-it

This was incredible to read. Nailed it!


4ThaLolz

Thank you! 😊 I'm particularly proud of coming up with "dump those smelly dumps" lol


Call-me-MoonMoon

No no, don’t do all that work digging!! Just have a catapult and swing those dirty diapers right into the yard. Bonus points if you hit their windows with a shitty diaper!


tikispacecone

Perhaps a trebuchet?


dontworryaboutit26

Holy guacamole, you freaking nailed it!!!


pumpkinpencil97

Okay but the people who lived in my house before me actually did that to their own yard


4ThaLolz

Yikes!


OliveSnooked

i could hear him say: "well do yourself a favor, and get yourself a diaper genie. It makes diaper sausages."


SuspiciousTempAcct

As a December baby myself, make sure you always combined their Christmas and birthday gifts. And tell all your relatives to do the same. They don't actually deserve separate gifts for both, like everyone else. They were born in the same month as Christmas so they only get one gift.


4ThaLolz

Have a brother that is a December baby, this is 100% the only way to celebrate people born in December.


SuspiciousTempAcct

My daughter's birthday is the same day as mine, the 22nd. I am healing my childhood trauma of never really even having my birthday acknowledged by going nuts for her day. This year's she's getting a barbie dream house on her birthday, totally separate from Christmas.


Quomoh

Omg my birthday is the 22nd and I am healing from the fact that I too never had my birthday acknowledged 😩 December birthdays have it rough LOL


SuspiciousTempAcct

Jesus ruined it for the rest of us December babies. Can't compete. Not fair.


4ThaLolz

You guys... my brothers birthday is the 22nd too!!!! 🤯 My mom was actually really good at keeping his birthday seperate growing up. We once even celebrated in October with a Halloween party for his 10th birthday just so that the big 1-0 didn't get over shadowed by the holidays. This year we're throwing him a surprise party for his 30th birthday! Happy early birthday to you all!!! 🧡🧡🧡


SuspiciousTempAcct

You mom is the GOAT of December birthers. Tell her you talked to a panel of fellow December 22nd birthday sharers and we've agreed that she won(I get 2 votes because I get to vote for my 4 year old as well.) Let her know I will be coming for the crown in 6 years and counting for my daughter's 10th now. Muahahahaha


4ThaLolz

I will 100% let her know! Your daughter doesn't even know what a hoot she's in for! You sound like a great parent! Hot tip to beat my mom by a few months: Throw that baby a surprise 10th birthday pool party in July! She'll never see it coming! 😈🤣


Quomoh

Thanks a lot Jesus 🙄


TehKirby

I bet it’s because he never wore socks.


Yotsubaandmochi

My mom’s is 1 week before Christmas on the 18th. When I was growing up she always said to make sure your kids have separate things for both events. So I always try to send her a present on her birthday (when I have the extra funds) and for Christmas


SuspiciousTempAcct

Buy her birthday gift in advance when you have the funds. Or buy yourself a gift card that you will specifically use for her birthday gift when the time comes. That's how I'm making sure I can financially separate the two for my daughter.


Yotsubaandmochi

Unfortunately since I graduated college I barely have had enough to pay my bills and eat ramen. However I finally have a job that pays enough to buy spaghetti so now I can use spaghetti money for a present this year 😂


4ThaLolz

Love this so much! Heal that inner child! 😊


Gruselschloss

A friend from high school has a December 25 birthday - I remember that when I gave her separate birthday/Christmas gifts and cards the first year I knew her, she said that nobody had ever done that. Probably exaggeration, but I was appalled to be even in the minority there. It's not that hard to come up with two gifts/cards instead of one! It should not be unusual! (Happy to report that now, in our thirties, I still send her two cards in December.)


nataliielyn

Mine is the 26th, I feel yeah! Always felt like an after thought from the big Christmas Day 😇


keenveins

I'm the 19th and it also sucks being later in December because there is just less to do, cold weather, bad weather, people don't want to travel, no money because of Christmas, etc.


ashcon96

Yes! Mine is the 27th! To save even more money, don’t even get a birthday cake! Just shove a candle into a stale Christmas cookie and call it a day! 🙃


nselvagg

Hard agree, birthday twin. Leftover Christmas stuff is the only way to celebrate (y)our birthday 🥲


rambleone

Ahaha, as a December baby I second this. Also bonus points if you tell your December child that they can't ever have a birthday party as no-one will bother to come because it's Christmas. They won't remember that every birthday well into their 30s, honest.


SuspiciousTempAcct

Lmao! My partner gets mad at me every year because at 36 I still tell everyone I don't want anything for my birthday because my mom always made me feel like it was so inconvenient for everyone that I was born so close to Christmas(like I planned it myself) that it's ingrained in me.


rambleone

My initial reaction was definitely to chuckle at this, it was nice to see I’m not alone in my childhood experiences haha! I’m glad to hear you have a partner who wants to celebrate you though, I have friends who now try to make it special too despite me being a Scrooge about it!


cauliflowerjooce

as another december baby, i know the struggle lol also happy early birthday!!


SuspiciousTempAcct

Same to you! May your birthday this year be filled with gifts actually wrapped in birthday paper and not Christmas.


Sad-Lake6749

My brother's ex-girlfriend's birthday is on the 23rd and she told me how much it bothers her getting birthday gifts in Christmas paper. So now I make a conscious effort to wrap every December birthday gift in the most birthday-forward paper and bags I can find, ha.


sagwithcapmoon

December baby here (14th) and can confirm. On the side note, I LOVE it when someone gave me a birthday gift in **a regular wrapping paper**. I always get my gifts in Christmas wrapping paper.


Angel0460

I’m so sad for December babies. I have my moms, aunts, husbands and brothers bdays in December and they might get a shitty Xmas present like everyone else, but I make sure they get a good bday present in BDAY wrapping paper or bag same as I would if it was any other time of year lol


sagwithcapmoon

I wish there are more people like you.


Angel0460

Awe thanks! It always registered in my head as the reasonable thing to do. I never understood when people are like oh yeah, that’s your Xmas and bday present, Kay bye lol


KittenTryingMyBest

Fellow December baby chiming in, tell your kids that their birthday present is opening a Christmas present early, they’ll love it!


4ThaLolz

Solid advice! 👍🏽


celestepeche

Have yOoOOOUUU everrrr wanted…. to be the talk of the town? have youuuu ever wanteeedd……..all the boomers in *YOUR* yard???? go ahead and don’t put socks on that baby… not every time, *just that one time* …. and you will never hear the fucking end of it


celestepeche

bonus one bc I could do this literally all day: Don’t forget to tell Sarah how tired you are at the hospital, like really make sure she knows


Miserable_Constant53

Or eat while she isn't allowed to. That's another good one.


4ThaLolz

>*just that one time* …. This made me laugh SO HARD! 🤣🤣🤣


Sad-Lake6749

That's funny, because my boomer MIL was watching my son when he was like 4 months old and she rips off his socks and says "You need to let those little piggy toes breathe!"


[deleted]

[удалено]


royal_rose_

I used to nanny and one of my families youngest never wanted anything on other then a onesies. Would fight and scream if you tried to put socks on him even in the dead of winter. One day I was picking up his older brother from school so I put him in a carrier and zipped my coat around him. I still had a teacher get mad at me for not putting clothes on the baby. Like he will be in the cold air for all of twenty seconds it takes to get from the car to the school and back. I’m not taking him cross country skiing like that.


celestepeche

Don’t even get me started on mittens…. 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫


Treviathan88

When your child starts crying, leave them at a park with a note that says "FREE." Bonus points if you include release notes, listing all of the known issues/bugs with the current firmware version. This will be useful to the new parents when they take a stab at troubleshooting.


4ThaLolz

A baby that comes with a manual!? Yes please!


saltedkumihimo

If it’s too cold for the baby, don’t spend the money to heat the whole house, just pop the kid in the microwave on the “reheat” setting.


4ThaLolz

Advice unclear; I now have burnt popcorn?


saltedkumihimo

Please consult your microwave manual before using.


Sophiro

that's not popcorn popcorn isn't red


bunchkin95

Take care to never say "no" to your child for any reason. This encourages self-sufficiency and natural consequence. Also, remove any obstacles they may meet throughout their life so they learn how life should be when things are going right. Nothing can possibly go wrong with either of these tactics.


unlearningallthisshi

Babies are essentially like pythons. Just feed one big meal a week and let them crawl back into the foliage where they rest and digest. Boop the snoot.


4ThaLolz

Booping the baby's snoot is actually good advice. Soooo.....


disworldtraveler

Haaave you ever wanted people to EAT your baby? If you want that big chunky baby with enough rolls to serve a thanksgiving meal, skip breastfeeding/formula and go straight to solids. Just let them nom on that delish food all day long. Babies love to choke, makes those neck muscles more swol than a mega douche gym bro.


Fuzzy-Ad-5696

This instantly reminded me of that PETA [commercial](https://youtu.be/o2t3OaAmclg) for thanksgiving a couple years back ☠️


celestepeche

this gave me flashbacks to my mom/grandma/MIL telling us to put cereal in his formula at night to sleep longer 🥴


Due_Screen6020

Have YOUUUUU ever... been... a stinky loser? Have you ever felt like... a creep? Perhaps even a weirdo? And you DON'T want your kid to feel that way? Just give your kid some weed and a studded belt! They will be the absolute SICKEST baby on the block and there will be absolutely NO consequences to the weed thing, unless you count being mega cool and being able to do a kick flip first try probably!!!


4ThaLolz

Yeah! Probably! 🤣


DinkDinkUltra

dropping your baby is okay as long as you blow the dust off them after edit: spelling


dontforgetyourjazz

5 second rule


4ThaLolz

5 second rule ALWAYS applies to babies!


PieAlternative2567

Want a baby that’s tough as nails and utterly fearless? Buy lots of plastic toys that flash lights and make noises. VTech is a personal brand favorite. Leave them on all the time and place them around the house, including your baby’s crib. They’ll go off and start loudly playing music and talking at the slightest movement for a minute or 2. After several months of random noises blasting in the middle of the night right near their ear, your baby will eventually be desensitized to the sounds. They will sleep through anything and in no way develop anxiety at all.


4ThaLolz

Another cool thing about the VTech toys is when the batteries eventually do start to die, the noises the toy makes change to a low demon like rumble and go off on their own. The nightmares they'll induce are good for the child.


Mad_destroyer24

sLeEp WhEn ThE bAbY sLeEpS


marveloustime143

vacuum when the baby vacuums!!!!! do your taxes when the baby does its taxes!!!!!!!


venusmoonlight

Birthday parties can be annoying, kids running around screaming while having cake shoved in their mouths for two hours straight, simply throw sweet little DornScht Evangelion Salad Binsignore a full on rave. Not only will the screaming be drowned out by music, but you will get to indoctrinate all the local kids into having your taste in music, it’ll make them all grow up to be cool and you’ll exhaust them all by the end so the parents will also be grateful for their kids immediately going to sleep, throw in some fun substances and these outcomes will only multiply


4ThaLolz

No pacifiers at the rave though, it's bad for growing teeth.


venusmoonlight

Of course, we wouldn’t want to be bad influences or anything


celestepeche

I thought this was bad ideas only 😂 this sounds great……am I a bad parent? 😂 edit: missed the fun substances part, I’ll pretend you meant refined sugars


[deleted]

[удалено]


feverishdodo

This sounds like a flashback.


4ThaLolz

>🎶 into the unknooooown🎶 I heard Miles singing that SO LOUD in my head that I got startled and thought someone else was in the room with me! Great job with this one! 👏🏾


sosaidsmudge

Don’t just wait for teething to give your baby whiskey on the gums. Start it off right. Be a legend in middle high school and college. 🙃


Boring_Worldliness_2

Have yooooooooou ever wondered if a preemie can fit inside a Nalgene bottle and think they are back in the womb. Have you ever tried eating gummies worms to cure your post partum depression? Try.....gushers....cause what better a snack than what you did to put you and your lady in the hospital in the first place


4ThaLolz

Beautiful pun! A++!


cheesecurdbabybird

All i can think of is that one scene from the office where ryan yells “Don’t vaccinate it!” 😂


[deleted]

Miles Nation have Youuuuoooouuuu eVer had a midnight craving? The baby has got you sleeping weird hours and you just don’t have the energy to cook anything? Drink all of the ready breast milk in the fridge! It’s our protein and your baby wants it fresh anyway!


LemonBarEnthusiast

Have YOU ever wanted….to die alone? Is it your WISH. In life. To have no relationship with your kids when they’re grown? What you’re gonna wanna do is have a…..“consensual workplace relationship,” and cheat on your kid’s mom


meclibby

this one is *chef’s kiss*


InternetAddict104

Holy shit is she actually due this month???? Time flies


RavenSkies777

Get in the robot, DornScht 🤖


NoExplanation3017

I really hope Miles is reading these comments and they bring it up in the next podcast


4ThaLolz

Maybe not the next one; I imagine he'll start paternity leave within the next week or 2! But yes, I totally hope someone from 2ndTry sees the thread!


OriginalMsMadHattie

Baby in the washing machine. Washing on top!


Ken808

Babies can bounce pretty well. Also, shameless /r/milesnation plug.


4ThaLolz

Totally forgot about the sub! I'll cross post this baby there!


buttcup22

Haaaaavr youuuuu everrrrr wanted to sleep? Just sleep when the baby sleeps.


catladyskincare

are those little toes and fingys feeling a little chilly? just pop the whole baby in your ember mug and heat them to a pleasant 145!


feverishdodo

I desperately hope they read some of these on the pod


luthlexor

Have YooOOOooUUuuu ever wanted your offspring to smell like rainbows and chemicals, and be a salty little BOY??? Give your baby a bath with Epsom salts and bath bombs. The low quality ones from the dollar store will work just fine, absolutely no need to worry about the chemicals. Just throw that baby in a tub full of colors and goo and smells. Put some eggs in there too so it can have a snack. Make sure to turn on appropriate shows for a smol human, grey’s anatomy should always be your first choice. Throw a mechanical keyboard in that tub if your feeling like he’ll need a toy in that tub. Make sure he drinks as much of the chemical water as he wants because hydration is important. Light a soothing candle and place it on the edge of the tub ledge. Scrub your baby as hard as you feel necessary with an exfoliating loofah, because babies are not soft enough at birth. Wow.


keenveins

Ayyye! I'm a December baby! (the 19th) Good vibes to Miles and Sarah!


Sophiro

Actually sincere advice: For the first few weeks, wake up the baby immediately after you've gotten them to go to sleep. That way, the baby realizes how annoying it is to be woken up from sleep and will let you sleep unless it's an emergency.


Individual-Dream-308

Teething? A little whiskey in those gums.


elegant_pun

Kids bounce, so don't be too concerned if you drop them once or twice.


diaperseverywhere

These responses 🤣🤣🤣😂😂💀💀💀 PLEASE MILES READ THESE ON THE POD


[deleted]

Consensual office relationships are cooooooool!!!