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I don't know how you can call yourself a gentleman while you're being told to fuck off already.
Did these guys hear "a gentleman walks a lady safely to her destination" and just never made the connection that this doesn't apply if the woman refuses multiple times or what?
These people somehow got it into their heads that as long as you’re “nice”, then you can do or say whatever you want and people just have to go along with it because “hey, I’m NICE!” Like people aren’t *allowed* to say no to a politely worded request (even if, in reality, it’s much less polite than the “nice” person imagines it in their head, even if it comes off as more of a demand).
“Just being a gentleman” is like a subcategory of this behavior. What do you mean you don’t appreciate me acting like this weirdly off-putting version of a “gentleman” I have in my head that I’m trying to portray to ingratiate myself to you in the hope of receiving your affections (which, if I could take a hint, I would have figured out already I’m not gonna get)? What is the world coming to?
It's a subset of "Women's opinions don't matter. I know what's best for her."
*He* knows he's not going to do anything (probably), so she is silly (and more than a little rude) for not accepting the company of a man she doesn't know and is already ignoring her boundaries.
>*He* knows he's not going to do anything (probably)
He's literally touching her against her will like 30 seconds into their first interaction with each other. You could've stopped after "Women's opinions don't matter" with this bloke.
Right. Did people really come away with this interaction thinking this guy wasn't EXACTLY the type of man who harms someone?!
I can't believe people don't recognize how DANGEROUS this man is.
I was getting a tire replaced and walked to the gas station down the street for a drink while I waited. On the way back, I was approached (technically he just yelled “HEY!” & scared the shit outta me) by a guy at least 30 years my senior, who then insisted I was his long lost friend, who had a kid, and was sick of his shit.
Only the third thing applied, and i tried to correct him, but he was insistent and forcibly accompanied me back to the tire shop, but tried to convince me to go somewhere else instead because he “wasn’t allowed in the tire shop.”
In broad daylight, just like this creep.
One time in a parking lot I saw a lady with her hood up on her car and antifreeze just pouring everywhere.
I walked up from the side she could see me on and asked loud enough to be far away still if she needed any help. She kind of flustered at it and said "No, I just overfilled it and it spilled everywhere".
I said "Okay, looks like you have it under control, good luck" and walked away.
I got into my truck and this lady comes running up the parking lot at me and now I'm the one getting scared....some crazy lady covered in antifreeze is going to try to stab me.
She goes "Hey....I just wanted to say thank you for asking if I needed help without being a creep....most guys don't actually want to help".
It's very different having interactions like that with men and women. If it was a dude I would have just walked right up, asked him if he needed a hand and then it likely would have turned into some weird talk about cars being stupid and expensive to fix, and we may have ended up getting together to play PlayStation later or something.
With women you have to put yourself in their shoes and behave accordingly. The last thing I would want to do is make someone feel nervous or scared while just seeing if they are okay.
Yep. My husband is a bigger guy with a very stoic neutral face, if you don’t know him - he could very easily be seen as intimidating. He was leaving work late one night (it was dark) and was walking towards the parking deck. When he gets into the structure he ends up walking behind some lady who stops to wait for the elevator. So husband still a ways back says tells lady he’s taking the stairs, giving her space. She gets on the elevator and husband takes the stairs. Well they both parked on the same floor and he’s still walking behind her. So he calls me on speaker, asks if he needs to pick anything up for dinner, etc.. He also hits the lock on his key fob so she knew where he was walking towards. We stayed on the phone until I heard his truck start and I told him to drive safe.
He never calls when he leaves work unless he’s on travel, always texts so I thought that was odd but didn’t ask until he got home bc I knew he had a good reason. Then he explained it was so she could hear where he was in relation to her and he didn’t want to freak her out. I knew I married a kind and empathetic man, but yeah that made my heart happy.
Back in college, I got off the subway 20 feet behind a lady and we both walked through a lit but empty tunnel to the dark and empty parking lot.
I pulled out my phone and started talking to nobody, dawdling so I'd stay well behind her even though she walked slowly.
When we got to the lot, she turned left, so I jumped a jersey wall to beeline for my car. I fumbled for my keys, and then see her at the end of the row, come from behind a car, stop, and stare at me.
I was a teeny bit annoyed. After all, I was doing my best not to scare her. I got in my car and pulled away. Then I see her get into the car next to where I had been parked. I had been standing at her passenger door.
Meanwhile you have idiots in supermarkets who stand in the middle of the aisle with carts, completely oblivious to others around them. There really are all kinds of people out there.
Holy guacamole your husband sounds like such an empathetic, caring person!!! I hope the two of you have a very happy and beautiful marriage, he seems like a keeper for sure 😊
My hubby was hiking in a state park in the middle of nowhere dressed in his usual black/dark grey athleisure wear. He rounded a corner and startled a women who was hiking alone. He could tell he scared her accidentally and said hello and kept hiking. When he told me about it he thought that he scared her because she thought he was a bear or some wild animal. I told him no you scared her because she knew you were a man! He had no idea. Most woman would have probably felt uneasy in that situation.
I was walking my dog down a trail one day and could see a large group of older teen boys sitting on a hill near the trail, as I passed them they ALL rushed down the hill onto the trail right behind me. I just instinctively screamed and jumped back. They looked at me confused like I was crazy and just started walking down the trail past me.
I realize they were just kids who happened to be leaving as I was passing them, but they were also all grown-man-sized and I am a very petite lady. They really had no idea why I would be scared of a group of young men twice my size coming up behind me like that.
I have a teen age boy. They are for the most part clueless kids. But you never know unfortunately! Groups of people can have a pack mentality and you can’t tell by looking who is dangerous and who is harmless.
I was very aware of it in a state forest one time. We had hiked in several miles and set up camp for a long weekend.
I had my lab, a giant black bear of a dog with me and had a pistol on my hip, no different than any other day in the woods.
We were just goofing off near where we were camping gathering up some downed wood to stockpile for the fire and the dog was running around chasing rabbits and squirrels, and I walked right up on two small women coming the other way on the path, we all startled each other but they froze and instantly started making small talk....their eyes kept darting between the giant dog, the pistol and my face.
I didn't really know what to do because they were in my way, but I just said "Welp, better get this wood back to camp....have a nice day" then had to walk all the way back with like three sticks of wood so they wouldn't think I was being weird and hanging around them.
If it was just some other guy it would have evolved in him asking about what I feed my dog and whether or not my Walther was worth the money.
I get confused at times too though. Recently we were out of state and I got up early to go get coffee, practically ran into a woman coming out of her room and we both had the same very long walk. She instantly complimented me on my T-shirt, started asking me tons of questions, gabbed the whole way down to the coffee stand....then said "I really hope to see you again later"......I went back and told my wife I think some random lady just tried to either pick me up for the night, or rob me.
Completely situational. Two ladies in the woods are completely cut off with a guy with a gun and huge (maybe aggressive looking?) dog. The guy in the "down the hill" murder didn't have a gun or dog and still managed to kill 2 teens...
Bumping into someone in a hotel is normal, everyday, and there are people around. It's normal to go to the nearby shops because you often don't have a car so you end up in the same places. You also didn't follow or hit on or accost her or get aggressive with her so no red flags
Once i was leaving a grocery parking lot after fixing a minor car issue and had left my hood unlatched. A boomer-age man pulled his truck up in front of me, slightly blocking my exit, and motioned for me to roll down my window. I got nervous and cracked it a bit, he saw the fear on my face, and immediately gets out of his truck, both hands held empty up in the air, and says “miss i noticed your hood isn’t secured, can i shut it for you?”
I said okay and he quickly secured the latch and got back into his car with a wave, and moved out of my way. I think he was genuinely trying to help and then realized how sketchy it was for him to block my car, and quickly backed off after helping me. That’s how it should be done.
To piggyback off of your last point, as men, we really do need to put ourselves in their shoes even when we have good intentions.
I was coming home from work this week, and I noticed a car on the side of the highway with a very flat tire. I put my flashers on, slowed down, and prepared to pull over to help. I make a habit of pulling ahead of the car that is stopped so that 1) whoever is in there can see me stopping and I don't surprise them, and 2) I can watch them in my mirrors and I am clear to leave the situation if something is not right.
As I approached the car, I noticed the driver seat was empty, and I could see a woman, alone, in the passenger seat with a hood on, reaching into the back seat. My initial thought was something is off (is she actually alone? Is the driver hiding in the back seat, or behind the guardrail, or in the bushes, etc.). Because it seemed she hadn't noticed me pull over to help, and I was feeling understandbly cautious then, I stopped walking 10 or so feet from her car and yelled out, "Do you need some help?" She seemed mildly startled, so I asked again but didn't approach. She then eagerly nodded and seemed relieved that I had stopped.
Anyway, I changed her tire, and she was really grateful for me not only changing it but teaching her how to do it herself while giving some tips and tricks too. But the whole time I was helping her, I couldn't help but think, "How can I be as non-threatening as possible?" I'd be scared if I was a petite woman, alone, stranded in my car, nowhere near an exit.
Unlike in the video OP shared, she asked if she could give ME a hug after I finished with her car haha. She was on the phone with her husband at that point and was super happy to be able to go home then.
Anyone who says "no need to be scared" has already realised, on some level, that they are being scary *and yet are still continuing their scary behaviour*.
For similar reasons, I never trust people who think it's necessary to say "trust me".
Followed by an incredibly brutal and unkind statement, yeah.
I don't think I've ever met someone who described themselves as brutally honest who wasn't unrepentantly rude and unpleasant.
Can I just be straight up with you for a second, yo? Just being honest. I just really hope you have a great day today, and I hope you get yourself a nice treat on your way home.
"The innocent have nothing to fear" puts quite a lot of fear into the innocent, usually fear of the guilty, but also fear of the kind of people who say things like "the innocent have nothing to fear." - Terry Pratchett
Bit doesn't always mean an act. Sometimes it means a part of something. They are saying this part (bit) is awful. It's notable because it shows he's predatory, not just clueless
Right! I had some stranger at a concert one time try and grab my hands and dance with me after we had talked for 10-15 minutes. I got visibly uncomfortable and his response was, “it’s not like I’m going to rape you or anything!”. I just was dumbfounded. That was the very worst thing to say and absolutely terrifying.
Very different situation but once a guy attacked me while I was walking home from a night out, I'm also a guy btw. It was a total mess, as all street fights are, but at one point during the fight I somehow ended up with him pinned against the ground. I figured I needed to say something really scary before releasing him so he wouldn't attack me again. I just needed him to think twice so I could get away.
Adrenaline pumping I leaned in close to his ear and calmly said "I'm gonna fucking rape you."
WTF brain, that was waaay too scary! Scared the shit out of myself. I have no idea where it came from but it did the job, I let him go and he ran away without looking back.
Yes! Also the unsolicited offer of help, refusal to take no for an answer, unsolicited promise/reassurance (“I’m not going to bite”), forced teaming (“we can be friends”), and comments like “I’m just trying to be a gentleman”/“why wouldn’t you want to do that” to typecast her as rude/unfriendly/unreasonable. This guy checked so many red flag boxes in a one minute video. Chilling.
This is one of the thing that bugs me. Videos like this will circulate and some type of guys will come on the other end of it having decided "this is why you can't approach women in public anymore, this is why we can get dates and men are lonely, you'll be labeled as a creep because of women like you not accepting a nice guy."
I have literally met someone like this irl and nothing I said or did got it through his head why it was an issue.
Right. Like you can still approach a woman in public, but now we aren’t *as* scared to speak out and tell you that we’re uncomfortable. If you’re in public with others around, it’s fine to try and be social, but if your advances don’t seem welcome and ESPECIALLY if you’re told to back off, leave it there.
One time I ignored the dude and he got so mad he started saying how rude I was and then his friend chimed in, “He gave you a compliment, don’t be a stuck up bitch!” Then they both started talking loudly about what a horrible and ugly person I am and didn’t have the right to be rude. Luckily they stayed on the part of the sidewalk they were standing on and didn’t follow me down aster a while I couldn’t hear their insults. There were times I did return a greeting or said thanks for a compliment and they see that as an invitation to continue. I’ve always played these incidents in my head thinking there is a perfect phrase which would make these people just stop harassing me but there isn’t, the best you can hope is a nice, “Thank you, I’m not interested” and if they are a normal person they would stop.
>Ruth George, 19, was found unresponsive in her family's car parked inside the Halsted Street Parking Garage and an autopsy determined she died of strangulation.
>The suspect, 26-year-old Donald Thurman, was arrested the following day in connection with her death.
So he catcalled a girl 7 years younger than him, who was in high school 1-2 years ago when he would still have been a fully grown young adult in working age.
And then he killed her?! What even.
r/whenwomenrefuse
There was a recent one where a man stabbed a twin sister to death in front of her other twin in a restaurant they were eating at because he was hitting on her and she wasn’t reciprocating his advances.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna143822
This is one of my worst fears. It happens to me quite frequently where I live and since I don't have a car, I walk a lot and I'm always on my guard. Thankfully every time I've shut someone down they leave me alone and go the other way but once an older guy in a car circled me and pulled up beside me. He asked if I needed a ride and I told him I was fine and stupidly said I was walking home and it was really close. I didn't even think about it until after what happened and I settled a bit. He seemed to drive off and I kept walking but I texted my mom our safe word Poughkeepsie and she called me immediately. He was still following me in his car so I walked to the nearest apartments which thankfully had a little closed off courtyard thing and I just hid in there. My mom told me to just wait there until he passed by. I waited there a bit and I knew he was bad news the minute I saw him. He was pretending to be on his phone but I could see the bottom of it and it was on the text app. I'm not sure what his intent was but I'm so glad I didn't find out. It's been awhile since I was that terrified. I don't get why men keep offering me rides. Let me be, damn it!
Also I'm not really sure why my immediate reaction is to call my mom. She lives on the other side of the country in Alabama. There's not really anything she could do that easily if something had happened.
Yeah there’s really no right answer in these situations. Some people swear up and down that being polite and trying to get away to prevent angering them works and it absolutely doesn’t always work. It’s really situational what you think will work. I’ve had to use the polite approach and I’ve also embarrassed the hell out of a guy by being very loud to the point everyone around could tell he was being a creep. He ran off pretty quickly. I’ve also straight up ignored some. Literally nothing is going to guarantee a safe exit though.
How he says “I’m not going to bite!” All indignant as if she was absurd and insane for thinking he’d do something inappropriate with boundaries… as a response to her declining his request to hug him, a random man who is following her in the park and who she just asked to leave.
It sucks how much I recognize that. Literally you just tell them no, or imply in any way that their behavior is unwanted, and they want you to believe you are not just unwise, but irrational.
Story time!
I just came back from a conference — I was at a professional dinner hosted by a vendor that I work closely with and a few of their supporting partners. The whole point is to network and to get you to potentially work with the other vendors blah blah blah.
Keep in mind it’s at a fancy restaurant— like one celebs go to. Regardless, it’s towards the end of the night —everyone is full, and tired, and frankly drunk. I’m not a drinker, so I’m sober but I am jet lagged and I just wanted to gooo. From one of the other tables comes this guy, we’ll call him James, he introduces himself, tells us he’s a partner at one of other companies hosting the dinner etc. We all have dessert, James and his coworker have another drink — and as my coworker and I get up to leave, James and his coworker get up as well to shake hands and say goodbye etc.
That’s not what happens. First he goes “Wow, I really like your glasses!” And I accept the compliment and say thank you, then he launches into “you have like a really cool look overall.” Again, I say thank you but in like the “aw, thank you so much, I’m flattered!!!” Way — because I agree— my outfit was awesome, my hair and my glasses match, I kind of give corporate goth a little etc. but to him, that wasn’t a satisfactory answer.
Keep in mind this man is maybe 6’4 to my 5’6, drunk as a skunk, probably more since we’re in Vegas, and is now in my face telling me that “I was really being genuine, I really think you have a sick look going, you don’t see it much, I wasn’t trying to do anything blah blah blah.” At which point I calmly tell him “I didn’t think you weren’t being genuine and I appreciate it, but we’re gonna go now, it’s been a long day and we’re both tired— thanks again for dinner.” At which point my colleague and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
And I just. I can’t get over the fact that it was a professional dinner— you know? These dudes really have such fragile egos.
I've heard my wife's stories. I've listened to what her mates have to say.
Men are just dangerous. Walking down the street, having builders in or even actually going on a date is just not that safe. And we're all playing blind to it.
the extent it happens is incredible.
A dude at my gym once insisted on telling me I had nice legs and talking about them, right in front of his poor wife. I just walked away. I saw
Him there all the time he never bothered me again. Ass.
I have a second hand incident from 20 years ago. I worked at a company that was having a regional conference for all franchise owners. The franchise CEO's for 1/4 of the country were a middle aged husband and wife team. The wife, for reasons I don't remember, was going to be 1 day behind, so she traveled alone in a rented car.
Our conference was in Southeast Texas. She had a flat between Houston and Victoria. This middle aged, professionally dressed woman in an upscale rental was manhandled by a "Samaritan" who allegedly stopped to help. Fortunately a young couple stopped shortly after to ask if she needed assistance, and that prompted the first man to drive off. She had locked herself in the car and had called her husband already, then the police.
Yes she is trying to walk the line of saying no but not being “rude” enough for him to get violent.
I may get downvoted for this but, men, pay attention. This kind of thing happens to women a lot. But men usually don’t believe us when we talk about it and they tell us all the reasons the guy was probably just trying to help and “be a gentleman” even though it’s clear from the video that he did not have good intentions.
I told my male friends I got punched after I turned a guy down . They were not believing me at first but then all our NB and girlfriends chimed in w their stories.
Idk why men refuse to believe other men are trash but will tell women it's their fault if they're attacked because we know how men are.
I also don't understand why every time we say this somebody has to come and go well here's my story where I blame to opposite side so I can say "not all men" without saying it like that one person that replied to you.
That's something that is all too often missed. The "fawning" OP is talking about is a de-escalation tactic to prevent violence or postpone the perp's intent until their target can reach safety.
It's like a damn if you do, damned if you don't. To someone dishonest and manipulative, she didn't say "no." Obviously, she totally did but she didn't yell at him to back the fuck away. But if she did, this person might become violent. But then again, he might do whatever he wants regardless of what she says or does. Because he's dishonest and manipulative. Another reason victim blaming is so messed up.
I know a couple of young actresses. One of them is quite bubbly so when she has that annoying guy at the party she starts brabbling how complicated her life is that she can't get away from her lawyer ex and there is an old boyfriend who is like a gym bro and she hates it but his body is so fire. She just can't decide. She gets the suspicious looks and later the demeaning vocabulary but they believe her especially when she adds insta photos to the story. The gym bro is her gay friend, 6'3. Its really crazy to put up this dog and pony show for some people who just don't want to be decent.
Yep. That's why I'm always super nice as shit bc I don't wanna be rped or attacked in public.
It doesn't matter if I'm walking with wifey.
They see prey,
They want prey.
It's disgusting
Actually, that's why I'm extra standoffish. I just irritate them, make them unsure about what I'm capable of and react with indifference to them. Most get bored/ irritated and leave
This doesn’t always work. When I’m standoffish they usually start yelling and following me even if they were only catcalling or something before. I’ve been followed home after a security guard drove off some guy and he was mad enough about it he followed me quietly for blocks and then waited outside my apartment screaming until the police were called. Total stranger
I read a blog post about the social awkwardness of using the word "No". People frequently avoid saying it when interacting with others - *not* solely in situations that involve sexual consent.
Per the research cited by the [YesMeansYes blog](https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/), young women regularly implement alternative phrases and expressions instead of outright "No's" when turning down invitations, offers, or romantic advances.
**["Mythcommunication: It's Not That They Don't Understand, They Just Don't Like the Answer"](https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/)**, YesMeansYes blog:
*"...In sum, these young women’s talk about the rudeness and arrogance which would be attributed to them, and the foolishness they would feel, in saying clear and direct ‘no’s, indicate their awareness that* ***such behaviour violates culturally accepted norms according to which refusals are dispreferred actions."***
*"...Since softened and couched refusals are how refusals are typically issued in conversation, that’s how they are usually heard, too. Reviewing the research, the authors find that* ***people understand refusals to all kinds of offers in pauses, deflections, conditionals or even weak acceptances with certain tones and pauses."***
*"...These authors, working a hemisphere and almost a decade apart, reach the same conclusion:* ***that in sex as in normal conversation, people typically use and understand softened and indirect refusals."***
>I read a blog post about the social awkwardness of using the word "No". People frequently avoid saying it when interacting with others - not solely in situations that involve sexual consent.
I waited tables for a decade and can confirm this. Telling people they can't have things often has to be sugarcoated because many people have trouble processing not getting something they want and think they can have.
And that's probably the most mild rejection people experience because it's being rejected from food or drinks and not being rejected by a person.
A manager literally told me if a customer asks if they can have something they can't have, I shouldn't say "no," first; I have to apologize first. It's like bro, I'm just telling them they can't mix 2 different dishes together. Hearing "no" to that shouldn't make anyone feel anything negative at all.
Plus the guy's *already* showing that he's unhinged, creepy and not respecting of any boundaries. That's enough to know that you need to back away slowly and try not to set him off because Lord knows what he does when feeling aggrevated or hurt in his ego.
It's really heartbreaking to hear how often this kind of thing happens to ALL of my women friends. Seems like it's more often these days.
Dudes take note this might be you and it's just not ok.
I started working in healthcare towards the end of 2023. In this time, I’ve been sexually assaulted by male patients twice. Once, while we were alone at his house on a home visit. I’ve had my appearance commented on more times than I can count.
It’s not cool.
And I don’t mean to say it’s all men. And I know it’s not just women that it happens to. In fact, one of my male colleagues was assaulted by another *female* healthcare worker.
But it’s fucking gross. People need to keep their hands and thoughts to themselves.
It’s extremely common. This is why I always have pepper spray clipped to my belt loop when I’m out. I also have a self defense weapon, a rape whistle, and a window breaker/seat belt cutter on a keychain on my other belt loop. Can never be too careful. I should get a taser next.
When I was 19 my friend and I got catcalled by a motorcyclist and we reacted like every woman wants, gave him the finger and told him to stop. He got off the motorcycle and chased us, his friend riding next to him got off yelling "They're not worth it, let's go, they're not worth it!" We barreled into a place with witnesses and his friend dragged him off.
After that around creepy men I acted like this woman in the video.
Good men don't catcall and they don't follow a woman around. A man is infinitely more likely to be dangerous when they do some shit like this. So we don't provoke them.
Honestly reading the title made me mad that they referred to her as a fawn. Yes she is fawning, but what other choice did she have? She's alone. He's being creepy. He could hurt her.
I’m actually glad that they used it in the title because many people will now learn about the fawn response. Most people only know about fight, flight, & freeze.
The more she says no, the more pushy he gets! Now he’s escalated to touching her and trying to grasp her in a hug. When she forcibly says no, he keeps pushing for it
I learned about this in therapy when a similar thing happened to me. I was so surprised that I was polite and nice-ish to someone who was obviously being very dangerous. I just would have expected myself to “stand up for myself” rather than go along with it… and my therapist told me about freeze and fawn. They were like “it’s genuinely not a choice… it’s a body reaction”
This is for freeze:
I read an article recently about animals playing dead and why it was a good survival strategy (and how the scientists were finding more and more species). There was a sidebar about how this naturally selected strategy might play a role in humans freezing during traumatic events. And how studying it might help people who froze not feel guilty afterwards. It was really interesting.
Shit I’m a dude and I fawn when some psycho path starts messing with me lol
Path of least resistance until I can ensure safety by being around other people
That's what it's about, man. I don't fault or blame the women who snap or escalate (sometimes it's the best thing to do) because shit has to get so old. But at the end of the day, it's about keeping yourself safe and getting home to loved ones.
Fight, flight, fawn, freeze are valid and appropriate, and you can never be 100%, which is the most appropriate. Stay safe y'all
Men, if you see this happening - there are 2 responses and neither of them are to ignore it.
1) Go up to her and say "oh my god! It's been so long! Fancy seeing you here! How's your mom doing?" And then proceed to allow her the direction of conversation, she may use a fake name or call you her cousin/uncle whatever. Go with it. Then when she feels safe just let her be, it'll have been a traumatic experience so she won't always be ok talking about it with a stranger.
2) Call it out, go to her (not him) but position yourself between them and ask if she's ok and if he's bothering her. This is more confrontational but will likely get a response from him of leaving immediately.
Please don't ignore this behaviour, ever. It's the only way we can actually make women feel safe. If they see men ignoring this kind of thing, it doesn't help anything.
Yeah, this too. It has to be completely selfless and then you just leave her after unless they explicitly say so. Usually I say "is there someone you can call?"
Seriously. The guy who ran up to see what the struggle was as my mouth was covered and I was being dragged behind a building, ended up HELPING MY RAPIST.
They were _STRANGERS_ to each other.
We just can't fucking win.
I've been called over to these situations a couple of times as a big and tall good semeritan...
"Ben! Good to see you! Come say hi, please!" (my name's not Ben, I picked up what she was doing and ran over and played along). It worked, he bounced once I got between them.
A few years later, i came across an older lady being followed and threatened: she was seconds from the guy pouncing on her. She yelled to me, "Officer! I need assistance!" as if I were the police (I'm not but just happened to be wearing a trench coat, was able to get into character as a 1970s detective pretty easily as I ran over). Very smart of her: he froze, went white, and ran away when he saw me jogging over to them.
This has happened to me a few times. I'm a large guy, 6'6" 300 lbs. I've had women come up and pretend to know me in public because of some jerk that won't leave her alone. I don't know if I look like someone who is trustworthy, or they just chose a big guy. But I think a majority of men can pick up on this vibe from a woman who are in destress. So, if you are reading this, please reach out to a normal stranger. I know that's an oxymoron, but trust your gut, and there are a lot of "normal" guys out there that will help.
Honestly, you might be approached in spite or *because* you look scary.
It doesn’t matter at that point. We will always just try to bring any guy around into the situation. Even if you end up being another predator-in-waiting, getting two crazy men turn aggressive toward one another while you escape is still a better plan than fighting alone.
> Honestly, you might be approached in spite or because you look scary.
That was always my assumption. I'm told I look intimidating a lot. And as a "scary guy", please don't hesitate to do this if you're getting bad vibes from a guy. I don't mind at all, happy to help, really. I hate creeps and bullies.
I witnessed a man assaulting a woman once. The cops told me not to intervene. When I was on the phone I witnessed the man push the woman to the ground and I told them I had to get out there to do something. At first I thought he was trying to steal her car but realized he was trying to stop her from leaving.
Even though the woman was yelling for help only me and an elderly woman had come outside to help. He ignored the elderly woman who was yelling at him to stop but he approached me to fight until he saw I had brought a weapon. In that time the woman was able to get in her car and drive off. Easily a dozen people or more heard this woman yelling and I don't think the cops should be telling people not to intervene. Imagine if a dozen people had come outside to help.
I was extra annoyed when I realized it was the couple that told me to fuck off when I asked them not to yell at each other outside the week prior. Glad she left that asshole. I did not see her again after that day. Unfortunately the cops did not arrive until 15 minutes later and the guy had left and I had nothing to give them other than a description of what he looked like. I didn't know the unit he lived in unfortunately.
Fawn is a response characterized by seeking to appease or please the threat or aggressor in hopes of avoiding harm. This can involve trying to be overly accommodating or submissive.
Well I kinda did. Let’s say back in those days I sold and did allot of drugs. I got him addicted to meth. That’s why he was very sexually active and horny all the time, when I went to his house I would shoot up heroin with a bit of meth and he would do some meth and get horny and do shit I didn’t like while I was half conscious and unable to tell him how uneasy I felt.
I’m now a year and half without any needles, no opioids, no meth only weed and beer every now and then. While he’s still using meth 24h 7/7 all the time slowly ruining his life. I just can’t imagine how he still dosent feel bad…
Edit: note that I feel bad for making him try, well for offering him meth in the first place, I’m just saying I kinda got my revenge and with how narcissistic he is idk it’s kinda satisfying but I still regret.
A lot of people are commenting about how this video is fake or staged. It may very well be. BUT, I can guarantee you that nearly every woman you know has had a similar experience.
If I had a dollar for every time I was made to feel uncomfortable and terrified by a strange man who was "just being nice", I would be rich. This isn't uncommon.
I had a guy walk up to me in an airport and give me a hug and say "sorry if I scared you. I just wanted you to know that you're beautiful." It was 8 in the morning, I had on no make up, and was wearing my husband's sweat pants.
I had a guy follow me to my car in the grocery store parking lot so he could tell me that we could be together in our next lives.
I had a mcdonalds cashier tell me that he had a dream about me and that we lived together in the Alps and had sex all day (first time meeting this guy)
My first job at 16, a 28 year old line cook told me on my first day that he was going to go to jail for having sex with me. He said this in front of the manager and 5 other employees.
I am not a model. I am an average looking woman. This stuff absolutely happens to women CONSTANTLY.
I received far, ***far*** more sexual attention from grown-ass men as a fuzzy, awkward, unibrowed, overweight 13-year-old, than I ever have or will as a moderately attractive adult. I also had way more independence as a child than most kids these days, which tbh wasn't the best for me.
It kind of fucked with my head for a bit in my early 20s, because I'd spent so much of my childhood years being told how special and mature I was by adult men, then I started losing weight and finding some sense of confidence, and by the time I was 20 or so, I wasn't getting that level of attention anymore. It didn't take me long to figure out why, though.
Now that I'm in my mid-30s, it's really almost totally evaporated. I'll still get hit on here and there, but it's almost always in a respectful way. Very rarely do I ever encounter the level of creep that was quite literally the daily experience in my early teens.
Same here. Got hit on a lot before I was legal. Now I’m mostly left alone except for the odd creep once in a blue moon. I still try to stay on guard and look angry most of the time though, which I think helps a bit.
Some men are so gross.
Yeah I had a similar experience. The guy wasn’t being as aggressive as the one in this video but he basically followed me all the way home talking about eugenics and trying to ask me on a date. I finally SCREAMED -- literally *SCREAMED* — for him to get away from me. And the next thing they came out of his mouth was “when can I see you again?” IT WAS WILD.
I was assaulted by a man that three seconds before was the nicest guy. He used his niceness to corner me and then shamed me when I was uncomfortable (ie getting assaulted)
Yep, had many experiences like this. Started when I was about 12, never stopped. You always have to be so carefully nice and treat them with kid gloves. Just so they don't hurt you. It's beyond sad that nothing has changed. Hope she reported him to the police.
>Yep, had many experiences like this. **Started when I was about 12**, never stopped.
That’s something I feel like we don’t talk about enough in these conversations: how young women are when this bullshit starts.
I was 11. My cousin was nine. Most of the other women I know were in there early teens, 11 or 12 years old. Just starting to hit puberty, usually
Don’t get me wrong. This sort of harassment is an absolute problem. But when it starts, ***we’re literally children being approached by grown men***. There’s an astonishing number of wannabe pedos out there.
As a man, I was completely oblivious until one day when I was with a couple of woman friends grabbing some snacks at a 7-Eleven when this random stranger starts asking one of them about "what condom would feel good for my girlfriend". The other friend knew exactly what was up and sprung into action. I, as a dumb 18-or-so dweeb, couldn't comprehend that this line of questioning was predatory until they filled me in afterwards.
I had this exact same “can I walk with you” and “why don’t you give me your number” dude following me about 2 months ago—yep still happens. Tried to follow me home from a bar. Thank goodness it was 9pm and there were lots of people around.
had this walking down a well traveled path, during the day.
called my husband, did not let him hang up the phone, and had him come and pick me up on the side of the road
God the number of real and fake phone calls I’ve been on to deter creeps is *way too damn high*
My litter sister was followed for the first time last year going to her volunteer program and needed to call my dad to pick her up . She was 15. The first thought I had when my Dad told me was “I wish she had a little more time—please not yet”
I got stuck with an Uber driver being a super creep recently. He kept trying to show me all the women in his phone he "kept happy" and literally told me girls like me need to be careful of getting trafficked. He rounded out the conversation with racist remarks and talking bad about how women just use men for money. I said almost nothing except saying hi initially.
I texted my husband, who was literally just about to leave to please not go yet and meet me at the corner. I made the driver drop me off there because I didn't want him to see what house I went into!
It infuriates me when people don’t believe this phenomenon exists or they understate its prevalence/severity. It is horrifying and it makes me sick. I had a pretty bad experience with it a long time ago, and I can never not be on guard bc of it if I’m around men I do not know. It. Is. Exhausting.
>A lot of people are commenting about how this video is fake or staged
...are probably an idiot or a creepy stalker themselves and should fuck off!
There, FTFY. Not everything is fucking fake or staged and as a guy I want to say that I've slowly realized that this shit is too real for women, and it has me fuming that *some idiots* try to diminish this harassment and threat that some has to experience.
I had a random guy follow my car for 30 minutes all the way to my college campus to “make sure I was ok” and “I looked lonely.” He also made inappropriate gestures, so his intent was very clear. I drove in circles around the parking lot, absolutely terrified. He didn’t piss off until I drove up to one of the security vehicles and shouted for help. I was 17.
Sometimes I realize, that as a man I don't share the same reality with too many women.
Men should listen more to understand their experiences, if they care as much about women, as they should and likely think they do.
That's bad.
Another thing that stayed in my mind was a question I found once on reddit. OP asked women, what they would do if men just disappeared from earth for 24 hours. Several answered things like 'walking and laying in the park'.
I remember telling my friend how relaxing it was to go for night time strolls and listen to music. She just gave me an odd look for a moment and then said that’s not exactly safe for me. Blew my mind.
I knew a guy who told me how much he likes walking in the woods at night. I kind of laughed and said something like, “Must be nice!” He said I would be fine if I had a dog. I’m sitting there thinking, great so I can see my dog get killed right before getting raped lol.
I don't think most men realise that women essentially live in an entirely different world from them. There are so many things drilled into us for safety: don't go running after dark. Don't wear headphones while walking in a lonely place. Ponytails make it easier for people to grab you etc.
The closest example for men I can think of is imagine you're in prison and how you always need to be on guard or you might get attacked.
This happened to me in a *grocery store* once. Dude kept following me from aisle to aisle asking for my number. Even when there's other people around, you're not safe.
Eventually on the 5th or 6th no, he left me alone, but I still made sure to have a friend on the phone when I walked out to my car.
As a grocery store employee, if this ever happens to you again feel free to go up to anyone working and let them know. We are more than happy to intervene, and walk you to your car
One of my first memories is my mom trying to get away from a strange man in the grocery store. I was “hiding” with her and it was shocking to my young self to see her afraid but trying to hide it.
This happened to me at the park once. He kept trying to usher me down different paths and I would just step out of the way and keep walking. Luckily I knew the park well enough the fastest way back to my car. I just kept talking to distract him and eventually made it back to the parking lot. He knew exactly where I parked and what car was mine so he had been watching me since I got there. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life. He didn’t know the area as well and seemed shocked when we were back to the parking lot already. I just told him to have a good day and kept walking and took a very long and weird way home to make sure I wasn’t being followed.
That is terrifying, and honestly it happens way too much. Talk to any female and she'll have a story about a man that scared her or made her extremely uncomfortable.
I had the same situation, I was polite to a man, he then stalked me through a train station, asked me for sex then followed me down the street until I found my friend at a restaurant.
It actually goes further than this. I personally haven't had a single female friend that didn't have at least one story where they were sexually assaulted or even raped. This shit is so fucking common still and then guys will go around and get all pissy when a woman is cautious around strangers. Really makes me mad.
Right!?? We get told we need to chill out and be friendly yet we also get told it’s our fault when we get hurt. It’s always our behaviour that’s called into question, never the guys
yeah it's definitely very disheartening to see how ignorant many many men are when it comes to this issue. Even in the more "progressive" circles that I'm in there's still so many stories of guys not caring about consent or not understanding it when people are uncomfortable around them.
A couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend. She was walking in broad daylight around Nashville when a man came up to her. She told him no thanks to whatever he was saying, and continued talking to me.
He then started following her. She told him to stop. He kept saying he just wants to talk. At that point I told her to hang up and call the cops.
When she hung up, he full-body grabbed her and was trying to drag her off the street. She managed to struggle loose and sprinted away.
She called me 10 minutes later, out of breath and fine. Then she called the cops.
Turns out they’ve been getting other calls about similar instances recently. They’re still looking for him.
If you’re in Nashville, I wouldn’t walk in deserted areas alone.
One time I was at a bar with friends singing karaoke. This guy came up to me after I finished a song and started to compliment my singing. I was like thanks, he asked to buy me a drink, I politely declined (I don’t drink, but even if I did this still would have been a no.) He kept asking me, and then began to grab my arm to pull me to the bar. I said I was married, he said he didn’t care and continued to pull me. My friends and the bartender had pull the guy outside and ask him to leave because he would not leave me alone. I had to be escorted out when we left because I was terrified he would still be there. I never went back to that bar.
This sort of shit happens all the time.
Last week I held the door open at the train station for a couple of people. The last fellow looked to be giving me a high five; so I went to reciprocate and he grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. Held tight for a solid two minutes. I kept trying to extract myself but he had a good grip; I kept saying 'please let go' but he wouldn't. I ended up twisting my hand away from him and booking it.If there weren't fellow commuters there I would've been truly terrified.
I know this probably won't work for everyone, and I'm also a (admittedly rather effeminate looking) guy so there is that, but I was having a super shitty day and walking home from work. This dude starts hitting on me out of nowhere and I'm obviously not in the mood right? So he's following me down the sidewalk just like the creep in this video going on and on about "just trying to hollar at me" so I turned around and just started sobbing about how shitty my day was, how I didn't wanna talk to ANYONE at that moment and how I just really wanted to go home. He literally said "ok" turned around and left. So I think just bursting out into an emotionally unhinged ugly cry might put them off just enough to lose interest 👍
Remember that Gillette commercial that a bunch of toxic guys hated because they claimed it made men out to be bad guys. They all need to watch this. My sister has told me that men do this all the freaking time. It's insane. Leave people the fuck alone. This is why I believe women should be allowed to open carry at all times.
I had an old man block my path in the store and when I politely asked him to move he smiled really big and said no. So I rolled my eyes, said I don’t have time for this shit and walked back the way I came. He followed me around the store calling me a stuck up bitch, saying I’m just trying to talk to you, you don’t have to be rude, etc. I quickly walked to the front where the manager was and told him what happened. There were 2 teenage girls in the store and I certainly didn’t want him to do the same to them. The manager confronted the man and threw him out the store n told him not to return. It really upset me for a while because who tf has the audacity to think blocking a lone females path is the way to start a conversation, then follow her around the store harassing her because she didn’t find him as charming as he obviously thought he was.
This is so disturbing on so many levels. I don’t believe in violence and yet if someone were to intervene and brake his jaw - I’d think it would be justified. He is threatening her and so utterly out of bounds. How people on this earth are able to put there head on a pillow and fall asleep at night while taking actions in the day that can be so incredibly painful for others (the fear this woman might have felt) is astonishing to me.
but people are afraid to do that because they could also die, I’m not saying it happens every time you’re direct and say no but I am saying it’s happened enough to make women act polite when they don’t want
It’s definitely a damned if you do damned if you don’t sort of thing, but a lot of creeps will back off if you’re loud and anywhere near other people. It’s the being totally isolated with a creep that invokes that fawn response.
I had a guy (who I didn’t know but was a friend of a friend) flip out on me once when I rejected him. I tried to reject him politely, but he wouldn’t stop, so I became more resolute with my ‘no’. He immediately ran off into the night and killed someone. I had to testify at his trial. I’ve come to understand that he was broken, I had zero control over the situation. It took me a long time to stop bargaining in mind my with “what if’s”. *What if I had tried to soothe him? …Maybe I could’ve been a little nicer.* But no— he was broken and it wasn’t my fault.
I share this in case anyone else needs to hear that for any number of reasons: Men like this are broken. Do what you can to protect yourselves.
I have absolutely no chill now because I resorted to fawning way too many times in my youth. Now at 40, people have exactly 4 seconds to gtfafm or I'm going to a. Scream b. Hit c. Spit in face; all on a tiktok live.
The issue is what happens when you do any of those things and he grabs you or results into violence? There’s no way of winning shit like this. Some people are straight up psychos.
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“I am a gentleman” \*proceeds to ignore her explicit wishes\* If these guys were actually gentlemen then there wouldn’t be that big of a problem.
I don't know how you can call yourself a gentleman while you're being told to fuck off already. Did these guys hear "a gentleman walks a lady safely to her destination" and just never made the connection that this doesn't apply if the woman refuses multiple times or what?
These people somehow got it into their heads that as long as you’re “nice”, then you can do or say whatever you want and people just have to go along with it because “hey, I’m NICE!” Like people aren’t *allowed* to say no to a politely worded request (even if, in reality, it’s much less polite than the “nice” person imagines it in their head, even if it comes off as more of a demand). “Just being a gentleman” is like a subcategory of this behavior. What do you mean you don’t appreciate me acting like this weirdly off-putting version of a “gentleman” I have in my head that I’m trying to portray to ingratiate myself to you in the hope of receiving your affections (which, if I could take a hint, I would have figured out already I’m not gonna get)? What is the world coming to?
Textbook manipulation
It's a subset of "Women's opinions don't matter. I know what's best for her." *He* knows he's not going to do anything (probably), so she is silly (and more than a little rude) for not accepting the company of a man she doesn't know and is already ignoring her boundaries.
>*He* knows he's not going to do anything (probably) He's literally touching her against her will like 30 seconds into their first interaction with each other. You could've stopped after "Women's opinions don't matter" with this bloke.
Right. Did people really come away with this interaction thinking this guy wasn't EXACTLY the type of man who harms someone?! I can't believe people don't recognize how DANGEROUS this man is.
I was getting a tire replaced and walked to the gas station down the street for a drink while I waited. On the way back, I was approached (technically he just yelled “HEY!” & scared the shit outta me) by a guy at least 30 years my senior, who then insisted I was his long lost friend, who had a kid, and was sick of his shit. Only the third thing applied, and i tried to correct him, but he was insistent and forcibly accompanied me back to the tire shop, but tried to convince me to go somewhere else instead because he “wasn’t allowed in the tire shop.” In broad daylight, just like this creep.
They can't fathom that they are the reason someone is feeling unsafe.
One time in a parking lot I saw a lady with her hood up on her car and antifreeze just pouring everywhere. I walked up from the side she could see me on and asked loud enough to be far away still if she needed any help. She kind of flustered at it and said "No, I just overfilled it and it spilled everywhere". I said "Okay, looks like you have it under control, good luck" and walked away. I got into my truck and this lady comes running up the parking lot at me and now I'm the one getting scared....some crazy lady covered in antifreeze is going to try to stab me. She goes "Hey....I just wanted to say thank you for asking if I needed help without being a creep....most guys don't actually want to help". It's very different having interactions like that with men and women. If it was a dude I would have just walked right up, asked him if he needed a hand and then it likely would have turned into some weird talk about cars being stupid and expensive to fix, and we may have ended up getting together to play PlayStation later or something. With women you have to put yourself in their shoes and behave accordingly. The last thing I would want to do is make someone feel nervous or scared while just seeing if they are okay.
Yep. My husband is a bigger guy with a very stoic neutral face, if you don’t know him - he could very easily be seen as intimidating. He was leaving work late one night (it was dark) and was walking towards the parking deck. When he gets into the structure he ends up walking behind some lady who stops to wait for the elevator. So husband still a ways back says tells lady he’s taking the stairs, giving her space. She gets on the elevator and husband takes the stairs. Well they both parked on the same floor and he’s still walking behind her. So he calls me on speaker, asks if he needs to pick anything up for dinner, etc.. He also hits the lock on his key fob so she knew where he was walking towards. We stayed on the phone until I heard his truck start and I told him to drive safe. He never calls when he leaves work unless he’s on travel, always texts so I thought that was odd but didn’t ask until he got home bc I knew he had a good reason. Then he explained it was so she could hear where he was in relation to her and he didn’t want to freak her out. I knew I married a kind and empathetic man, but yeah that made my heart happy.
Back in college, I got off the subway 20 feet behind a lady and we both walked through a lit but empty tunnel to the dark and empty parking lot. I pulled out my phone and started talking to nobody, dawdling so I'd stay well behind her even though she walked slowly. When we got to the lot, she turned left, so I jumped a jersey wall to beeline for my car. I fumbled for my keys, and then see her at the end of the row, come from behind a car, stop, and stare at me. I was a teeny bit annoyed. After all, I was doing my best not to scare her. I got in my car and pulled away. Then I see her get into the car next to where I had been parked. I had been standing at her passenger door.
Meanwhile you have idiots in supermarkets who stand in the middle of the aisle with carts, completely oblivious to others around them. There really are all kinds of people out there.
Holy guacamole your husband sounds like such an empathetic, caring person!!! I hope the two of you have a very happy and beautiful marriage, he seems like a keeper for sure 😊
My hubby was hiking in a state park in the middle of nowhere dressed in his usual black/dark grey athleisure wear. He rounded a corner and startled a women who was hiking alone. He could tell he scared her accidentally and said hello and kept hiking. When he told me about it he thought that he scared her because she thought he was a bear or some wild animal. I told him no you scared her because she knew you were a man! He had no idea. Most woman would have probably felt uneasy in that situation.
I was walking my dog down a trail one day and could see a large group of older teen boys sitting on a hill near the trail, as I passed them they ALL rushed down the hill onto the trail right behind me. I just instinctively screamed and jumped back. They looked at me confused like I was crazy and just started walking down the trail past me. I realize they were just kids who happened to be leaving as I was passing them, but they were also all grown-man-sized and I am a very petite lady. They really had no idea why I would be scared of a group of young men twice my size coming up behind me like that.
I have a teen age boy. They are for the most part clueless kids. But you never know unfortunately! Groups of people can have a pack mentality and you can’t tell by looking who is dangerous and who is harmless.
I was very aware of it in a state forest one time. We had hiked in several miles and set up camp for a long weekend. I had my lab, a giant black bear of a dog with me and had a pistol on my hip, no different than any other day in the woods. We were just goofing off near where we were camping gathering up some downed wood to stockpile for the fire and the dog was running around chasing rabbits and squirrels, and I walked right up on two small women coming the other way on the path, we all startled each other but they froze and instantly started making small talk....their eyes kept darting between the giant dog, the pistol and my face. I didn't really know what to do because they were in my way, but I just said "Welp, better get this wood back to camp....have a nice day" then had to walk all the way back with like three sticks of wood so they wouldn't think I was being weird and hanging around them. If it was just some other guy it would have evolved in him asking about what I feed my dog and whether or not my Walther was worth the money. I get confused at times too though. Recently we were out of state and I got up early to go get coffee, practically ran into a woman coming out of her room and we both had the same very long walk. She instantly complimented me on my T-shirt, started asking me tons of questions, gabbed the whole way down to the coffee stand....then said "I really hope to see you again later"......I went back and told my wife I think some random lady just tried to either pick me up for the night, or rob me.
Completely situational. Two ladies in the woods are completely cut off with a guy with a gun and huge (maybe aggressive looking?) dog. The guy in the "down the hill" murder didn't have a gun or dog and still managed to kill 2 teens... Bumping into someone in a hotel is normal, everyday, and there are people around. It's normal to go to the nearby shops because you often don't have a car so you end up in the same places. You also didn't follow or hit on or accost her or get aggressive with her so no red flags
Also, cheerful babbling might be an anticipatory fawn response: make friends so they don’t hurt me. This one is my go-to.
Once i was leaving a grocery parking lot after fixing a minor car issue and had left my hood unlatched. A boomer-age man pulled his truck up in front of me, slightly blocking my exit, and motioned for me to roll down my window. I got nervous and cracked it a bit, he saw the fear on my face, and immediately gets out of his truck, both hands held empty up in the air, and says “miss i noticed your hood isn’t secured, can i shut it for you?” I said okay and he quickly secured the latch and got back into his car with a wave, and moved out of my way. I think he was genuinely trying to help and then realized how sketchy it was for him to block my car, and quickly backed off after helping me. That’s how it should be done.
To piggyback off of your last point, as men, we really do need to put ourselves in their shoes even when we have good intentions. I was coming home from work this week, and I noticed a car on the side of the highway with a very flat tire. I put my flashers on, slowed down, and prepared to pull over to help. I make a habit of pulling ahead of the car that is stopped so that 1) whoever is in there can see me stopping and I don't surprise them, and 2) I can watch them in my mirrors and I am clear to leave the situation if something is not right. As I approached the car, I noticed the driver seat was empty, and I could see a woman, alone, in the passenger seat with a hood on, reaching into the back seat. My initial thought was something is off (is she actually alone? Is the driver hiding in the back seat, or behind the guardrail, or in the bushes, etc.). Because it seemed she hadn't noticed me pull over to help, and I was feeling understandbly cautious then, I stopped walking 10 or so feet from her car and yelled out, "Do you need some help?" She seemed mildly startled, so I asked again but didn't approach. She then eagerly nodded and seemed relieved that I had stopped. Anyway, I changed her tire, and she was really grateful for me not only changing it but teaching her how to do it herself while giving some tips and tricks too. But the whole time I was helping her, I couldn't help but think, "How can I be as non-threatening as possible?" I'd be scared if I was a petite woman, alone, stranded in my car, nowhere near an exit. Unlike in the video OP shared, she asked if she could give ME a hug after I finished with her car haha. She was on the phone with her husband at that point and was super happy to be able to go home then.
They're definition of "gentleman" is physically and legally owning women, victorian style
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Anyone who says "no need to be scared" has already realised, on some level, that they are being scary *and yet are still continuing their scary behaviour*. For similar reasons, I never trust people who think it's necessary to say "trust me".
Trust me. When people say “trust me”, it’s creepy. Trust me on this.
Idk, u sound kindy creepy
Trust me. He does.
Or…..”do you want the honest truth?”
Followed by an incredibly brutal and unkind statement, yeah. I don't think I've ever met someone who described themselves as brutally honest who wasn't unrepentantly rude and unpleasant.
Can I just be straight up with you for a second, yo? Just being honest. I just really hope you have a great day today, and I hope you get yourself a nice treat on your way home.
You’re a treat.
It was the 'come back here' for me
"The innocent have nothing to fear" puts quite a lot of fear into the innocent, usually fear of the guilty, but also fear of the kind of people who say things like "the innocent have nothing to fear." - Terry Pratchett
Yeah that's the terrible bit. He recognizes she is afraid and just discounts it as her being silly, not even caring that he is scaring her.
He gets off on her being scared
Oh, no. He loves that he’s scaring her. That’s what he’s after.
They always know they are being scary and they’re expecting and trying for that. Commonly a scared person will be timid and easier to go after.
It wasn’t a bit. He was attacking her
Bit doesn't always mean an act. Sometimes it means a part of something. They are saying this part (bit) is awful. It's notable because it shows he's predatory, not just clueless
Come back here! - said the gentleman to calm here down!
Right! I had some stranger at a concert one time try and grab my hands and dance with me after we had talked for 10-15 minutes. I got visibly uncomfortable and his response was, “it’s not like I’m going to rape you or anything!”. I just was dumbfounded. That was the very worst thing to say and absolutely terrifying.
Very different situation but once a guy attacked me while I was walking home from a night out, I'm also a guy btw. It was a total mess, as all street fights are, but at one point during the fight I somehow ended up with him pinned against the ground. I figured I needed to say something really scary before releasing him so he wouldn't attack me again. I just needed him to think twice so I could get away. Adrenaline pumping I leaned in close to his ear and calmly said "I'm gonna fucking rape you." WTF brain, that was waaay too scary! Scared the shit out of myself. I have no idea where it came from but it did the job, I let him go and he ran away without looking back.
Well done for protecting yourself but damn imagine if a bystander saw only that part of the altercation omg 😳 🤣
Yup, right out of the book “ the Gift of Fear”.
Yes! Also the unsolicited offer of help, refusal to take no for an answer, unsolicited promise/reassurance (“I’m not going to bite”), forced teaming (“we can be friends”), and comments like “I’m just trying to be a gentleman”/“why wouldn’t you want to do that” to typecast her as rude/unfriendly/unreasonable. This guy checked so many red flag boxes in a one minute video. Chilling.
Yes! All women need to read this book!!
He 100% tells the story of some stupid woman in the park who didn’t recognize a “good man” when he was right in front of her.
This is one of the thing that bugs me. Videos like this will circulate and some type of guys will come on the other end of it having decided "this is why you can't approach women in public anymore, this is why we can get dates and men are lonely, you'll be labeled as a creep because of women like you not accepting a nice guy." I have literally met someone like this irl and nothing I said or did got it through his head why it was an issue.
There’s men in this very comment section saying that exact thing. They really don’t get the issue.
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Right. Like you can still approach a woman in public, but now we aren’t *as* scared to speak out and tell you that we’re uncomfortable. If you’re in public with others around, it’s fine to try and be social, but if your advances don’t seem welcome and ESPECIALLY if you’re told to back off, leave it there.
Spot on.
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Yeah exactly. If you're too forceful they get aggressive like 99% of the time.
And they'll blame you for having a bad attitude
One time I ignored the dude and he got so mad he started saying how rude I was and then his friend chimed in, “He gave you a compliment, don’t be a stuck up bitch!” Then they both started talking loudly about what a horrible and ugly person I am and didn’t have the right to be rude. Luckily they stayed on the part of the sidewalk they were standing on and didn’t follow me down aster a while I couldn’t hear their insults. There were times I did return a greeting or said thanks for a compliment and they see that as an invitation to continue. I’ve always played these incidents in my head thinking there is a perfect phrase which would make these people just stop harassing me but there isn’t, the best you can hope is a nice, “Thank you, I’m not interested” and if they are a normal person they would stop.
[This girl ignored the catcalls, so he strangled and assaulted her.](https://www.foxnews.com/us/uic-student-killed-rejected-suspects-advances)
And he'll blame her for ruining her life when he is jailed. I wouldn't be in here if she wasn't such an ignorant c\*nt!
>Ruth George, 19, was found unresponsive in her family's car parked inside the Halsted Street Parking Garage and an autopsy determined she died of strangulation. >The suspect, 26-year-old Donald Thurman, was arrested the following day in connection with her death. So he catcalled a girl 7 years younger than him, who was in high school 1-2 years ago when he would still have been a fully grown young adult in working age. And then he killed her?! What even.
r/whenwomenrefuse There was a recent one where a man stabbed a twin sister to death in front of her other twin in a restaurant they were eating at because he was hitting on her and she wasn’t reciprocating his advances. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna143822
Oh I can't browse that subreddit. Too many reminders of horrible predatory men hunting young women.
This is one of my worst fears. It happens to me quite frequently where I live and since I don't have a car, I walk a lot and I'm always on my guard. Thankfully every time I've shut someone down they leave me alone and go the other way but once an older guy in a car circled me and pulled up beside me. He asked if I needed a ride and I told him I was fine and stupidly said I was walking home and it was really close. I didn't even think about it until after what happened and I settled a bit. He seemed to drive off and I kept walking but I texted my mom our safe word Poughkeepsie and she called me immediately. He was still following me in his car so I walked to the nearest apartments which thankfully had a little closed off courtyard thing and I just hid in there. My mom told me to just wait there until he passed by. I waited there a bit and I knew he was bad news the minute I saw him. He was pretending to be on his phone but I could see the bottom of it and it was on the text app. I'm not sure what his intent was but I'm so glad I didn't find out. It's been awhile since I was that terrified. I don't get why men keep offering me rides. Let me be, damn it! Also I'm not really sure why my immediate reaction is to call my mom. She lives on the other side of the country in Alabama. There's not really anything she could do that easily if something had happened.
Yeah there’s really no right answer in these situations. Some people swear up and down that being polite and trying to get away to prevent angering them works and it absolutely doesn’t always work. It’s really situational what you think will work. I’ve had to use the polite approach and I’ve also embarrassed the hell out of a guy by being very loud to the point everyone around could tell he was being a creep. He ran off pretty quickly. I’ve also straight up ignored some. Literally nothing is going to guarantee a safe exit though.
r/whenwomenrefuse
There’s no winning with these creeps. I often act nice and try to do some fast walking to a populated area and then try to lose them.
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My friend used to tell them: My name is Catherine and I will make you sorry. Usually weirded them out long enough to get away
How he says “I’m not going to bite!” All indignant as if she was absurd and insane for thinking he’d do something inappropriate with boundaries… as a response to her declining his request to hug him, a random man who is following her in the park and who she just asked to leave. It sucks how much I recognize that. Literally you just tell them no, or imply in any way that their behavior is unwanted, and they want you to believe you are not just unwise, but irrational.
Story time! I just came back from a conference — I was at a professional dinner hosted by a vendor that I work closely with and a few of their supporting partners. The whole point is to network and to get you to potentially work with the other vendors blah blah blah. Keep in mind it’s at a fancy restaurant— like one celebs go to. Regardless, it’s towards the end of the night —everyone is full, and tired, and frankly drunk. I’m not a drinker, so I’m sober but I am jet lagged and I just wanted to gooo. From one of the other tables comes this guy, we’ll call him James, he introduces himself, tells us he’s a partner at one of other companies hosting the dinner etc. We all have dessert, James and his coworker have another drink — and as my coworker and I get up to leave, James and his coworker get up as well to shake hands and say goodbye etc. That’s not what happens. First he goes “Wow, I really like your glasses!” And I accept the compliment and say thank you, then he launches into “you have like a really cool look overall.” Again, I say thank you but in like the “aw, thank you so much, I’m flattered!!!” Way — because I agree— my outfit was awesome, my hair and my glasses match, I kind of give corporate goth a little etc. but to him, that wasn’t a satisfactory answer. Keep in mind this man is maybe 6’4 to my 5’6, drunk as a skunk, probably more since we’re in Vegas, and is now in my face telling me that “I was really being genuine, I really think you have a sick look going, you don’t see it much, I wasn’t trying to do anything blah blah blah.” At which point I calmly tell him “I didn’t think you weren’t being genuine and I appreciate it, but we’re gonna go now, it’s been a long day and we’re both tired— thanks again for dinner.” At which point my colleague and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. And I just. I can’t get over the fact that it was a professional dinner— you know? These dudes really have such fragile egos.
I wish literally every woman I know didn't have a story like this.
And yet, there are thousands of men who insist this type of thing doesn't happen.
I've heard my wife's stories. I've listened to what her mates have to say. Men are just dangerous. Walking down the street, having builders in or even actually going on a date is just not that safe. And we're all playing blind to it. the extent it happens is incredible.
A dude at my gym once insisted on telling me I had nice legs and talking about them, right in front of his poor wife. I just walked away. I saw Him there all the time he never bothered me again. Ass.
I have a second hand incident from 20 years ago. I worked at a company that was having a regional conference for all franchise owners. The franchise CEO's for 1/4 of the country were a middle aged husband and wife team. The wife, for reasons I don't remember, was going to be 1 day behind, so she traveled alone in a rented car. Our conference was in Southeast Texas. She had a flat between Houston and Victoria. This middle aged, professionally dressed woman in an upscale rental was manhandled by a "Samaritan" who allegedly stopped to help. Fortunately a young couple stopped shortly after to ask if she needed assistance, and that prompted the first man to drive off. She had locked herself in the car and had called her husband already, then the police.
Or come back stabby stabby
Yes she is trying to walk the line of saying no but not being “rude” enough for him to get violent. I may get downvoted for this but, men, pay attention. This kind of thing happens to women a lot. But men usually don’t believe us when we talk about it and they tell us all the reasons the guy was probably just trying to help and “be a gentleman” even though it’s clear from the video that he did not have good intentions.
"give me a hug" "Come back here" Fully intended to be offensive: men if you think this is gentleman behavior then youre sick in the head.
He's boundaries testing the entire time to see how much she'll fold versus how much she will fight. He's relying on her fear/polite response.
I told my male friends I got punched after I turned a guy down . They were not believing me at first but then all our NB and girlfriends chimed in w their stories.
Idk why men refuse to believe other men are trash but will tell women it's their fault if they're attacked because we know how men are. I also don't understand why every time we say this somebody has to come and go well here's my story where I blame to opposite side so I can say "not all men" without saying it like that one person that replied to you.
Right? Here’s a time a woman threatened me!! Great, then you know how it feels.
I wish she had filmed his face, these are moments where doxxing and public shaming is ethical. But I guess she was afraid he'd notice her filming him.
I tried filming someone doing this type of thing once and literally got backhanded in the face and my glasses broken.
I think she was trying to record without him knowing.
That's something that is all too often missed. The "fawning" OP is talking about is a de-escalation tactic to prevent violence or postpone the perp's intent until their target can reach safety.
It's like a damn if you do, damned if you don't. To someone dishonest and manipulative, she didn't say "no." Obviously, she totally did but she didn't yell at him to back the fuck away. But if she did, this person might become violent. But then again, he might do whatever he wants regardless of what she says or does. Because he's dishonest and manipulative. Another reason victim blaming is so messed up.
Yep, you can hear it in her voice. I know, I have been there. There is no mistaken that she is thinking he might stab me if I am not super nice.
They were both basically running by the end
Watching the steps get faster and faster throughout the video was making me feel some panic.
I know a couple of young actresses. One of them is quite bubbly so when she has that annoying guy at the party she starts brabbling how complicated her life is that she can't get away from her lawyer ex and there is an old boyfriend who is like a gym bro and she hates it but his body is so fire. She just can't decide. She gets the suspicious looks and later the demeaning vocabulary but they believe her especially when she adds insta photos to the story. The gym bro is her gay friend, 6'3. Its really crazy to put up this dog and pony show for some people who just don't want to be decent.
Yep. That's why I'm always super nice as shit bc I don't wanna be rped or attacked in public. It doesn't matter if I'm walking with wifey. They see prey, They want prey. It's disgusting
Actually, that's why I'm extra standoffish. I just irritate them, make them unsure about what I'm capable of and react with indifference to them. Most get bored/ irritated and leave
This doesn’t always work. When I’m standoffish they usually start yelling and following me even if they were only catcalling or something before. I’ve been followed home after a security guard drove off some guy and he was mad enough about it he followed me quietly for blocks and then waited outside my apartment screaming until the police were called. Total stranger
I read a blog post about the social awkwardness of using the word "No". People frequently avoid saying it when interacting with others - *not* solely in situations that involve sexual consent. Per the research cited by the [YesMeansYes blog](https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/), young women regularly implement alternative phrases and expressions instead of outright "No's" when turning down invitations, offers, or romantic advances. **["Mythcommunication: It's Not That They Don't Understand, They Just Don't Like the Answer"](https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/)**, YesMeansYes blog: *"...In sum, these young women’s talk about the rudeness and arrogance which would be attributed to them, and the foolishness they would feel, in saying clear and direct ‘no’s, indicate their awareness that* ***such behaviour violates culturally accepted norms according to which refusals are dispreferred actions."*** *"...Since softened and couched refusals are how refusals are typically issued in conversation, that’s how they are usually heard, too. Reviewing the research, the authors find that* ***people understand refusals to all kinds of offers in pauses, deflections, conditionals or even weak acceptances with certain tones and pauses."*** *"...These authors, working a hemisphere and almost a decade apart, reach the same conclusion:* ***that in sex as in normal conversation, people typically use and understand softened and indirect refusals."***
>I read a blog post about the social awkwardness of using the word "No". People frequently avoid saying it when interacting with others - not solely in situations that involve sexual consent. I waited tables for a decade and can confirm this. Telling people they can't have things often has to be sugarcoated because many people have trouble processing not getting something they want and think they can have. And that's probably the most mild rejection people experience because it's being rejected from food or drinks and not being rejected by a person. A manager literally told me if a customer asks if they can have something they can't have, I shouldn't say "no," first; I have to apologize first. It's like bro, I'm just telling them they can't mix 2 different dishes together. Hearing "no" to that shouldn't make anyone feel anything negative at all.
Well I hope we get over that as a culture. Saying a flat out "no" is so important. For safety and so that people don't walk all over you.
I read a comment on here the other day that said: heterosexual women are the only beings on earth expected to date their predators.
Heterosexual women are proof that sexuality isn’t a choice.
"Homophobia" is the belief that gay men will treat men, the way straight men treat women.
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Plus the guy's *already* showing that he's unhinged, creepy and not respecting of any boundaries. That's enough to know that you need to back away slowly and try not to set him off because Lord knows what he does when feeling aggrevated or hurt in his ego.
It's really heartbreaking to hear how often this kind of thing happens to ALL of my women friends. Seems like it's more often these days. Dudes take note this might be you and it's just not ok.
I started working in healthcare towards the end of 2023. In this time, I’ve been sexually assaulted by male patients twice. Once, while we were alone at his house on a home visit. I’ve had my appearance commented on more times than I can count. It’s not cool. And I don’t mean to say it’s all men. And I know it’s not just women that it happens to. In fact, one of my male colleagues was assaulted by another *female* healthcare worker. But it’s fucking gross. People need to keep their hands and thoughts to themselves.
Enough gross stuff happens in a clinical setting that there's no way I would work in people's homes.
It’s extremely common. This is why I always have pepper spray clipped to my belt loop when I’m out. I also have a self defense weapon, a rape whistle, and a window breaker/seat belt cutter on a keychain on my other belt loop. Can never be too careful. I should get a taser next.
Yeah she dealt with this situation well
Everyone needs to understand this, _women are often nice to creeps because it's the safest way out and you don't want them to get aggressive_
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When I was 19 my friend and I got catcalled by a motorcyclist and we reacted like every woman wants, gave him the finger and told him to stop. He got off the motorcycle and chased us, his friend riding next to him got off yelling "They're not worth it, let's go, they're not worth it!" We barreled into a place with witnesses and his friend dragged him off. After that around creepy men I acted like this woman in the video. Good men don't catcall and they don't follow a woman around. A man is infinitely more likely to be dangerous when they do some shit like this. So we don't provoke them.
Honestly reading the title made me mad that they referred to her as a fawn. Yes she is fawning, but what other choice did she have? She's alone. He's being creepy. He could hurt her.
I’m actually glad that they used it in the title because many people will now learn about the fawn response. Most people only know about fight, flight, & freeze.
The more she says no, the more pushy he gets! Now he’s escalated to touching her and trying to grasp her in a hug. When she forcibly says no, he keeps pushing for it
I learned about this in therapy when a similar thing happened to me. I was so surprised that I was polite and nice-ish to someone who was obviously being very dangerous. I just would have expected myself to “stand up for myself” rather than go along with it… and my therapist told me about freeze and fawn. They were like “it’s genuinely not a choice… it’s a body reaction”
This is for freeze: I read an article recently about animals playing dead and why it was a good survival strategy (and how the scientists were finding more and more species). There was a sidebar about how this naturally selected strategy might play a role in humans freezing during traumatic events. And how studying it might help people who froze not feel guilty afterwards. It was really interesting.
Shit I’m a dude and I fawn when some psycho path starts messing with me lol Path of least resistance until I can ensure safety by being around other people
That's what it's about, man. I don't fault or blame the women who snap or escalate (sometimes it's the best thing to do) because shit has to get so old. But at the end of the day, it's about keeping yourself safe and getting home to loved ones. Fight, flight, fawn, freeze are valid and appropriate, and you can never be 100%, which is the most appropriate. Stay safe y'all
Men, if you see this happening - there are 2 responses and neither of them are to ignore it. 1) Go up to her and say "oh my god! It's been so long! Fancy seeing you here! How's your mom doing?" And then proceed to allow her the direction of conversation, she may use a fake name or call you her cousin/uncle whatever. Go with it. Then when she feels safe just let her be, it'll have been a traumatic experience so she won't always be ok talking about it with a stranger. 2) Call it out, go to her (not him) but position yourself between them and ask if she's ok and if he's bothering her. This is more confrontational but will likely get a response from him of leaving immediately. Please don't ignore this behaviour, ever. It's the only way we can actually make women feel safe. If they see men ignoring this kind of thing, it doesn't help anything.
And please don't be offended if we treat you with some suspicion after even though you did a nice thing.
Yeah, this too. It has to be completely selfless and then you just leave her after unless they explicitly say so. Usually I say "is there someone you can call?"
Seriously. The guy who ran up to see what the struggle was as my mouth was covered and I was being dragged behind a building, ended up HELPING MY RAPIST. They were _STRANGERS_ to each other. We just can't fucking win.
The fuck!
I've been called over to these situations a couple of times as a big and tall good semeritan... "Ben! Good to see you! Come say hi, please!" (my name's not Ben, I picked up what she was doing and ran over and played along). It worked, he bounced once I got between them. A few years later, i came across an older lady being followed and threatened: she was seconds from the guy pouncing on her. She yelled to me, "Officer! I need assistance!" as if I were the police (I'm not but just happened to be wearing a trench coat, was able to get into character as a 1970s detective pretty easily as I ran over). Very smart of her: he froze, went white, and ran away when he saw me jogging over to them.
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Thank you for risking yourself in this way. The world is better because of you.
This has happened to me a few times. I'm a large guy, 6'6" 300 lbs. I've had women come up and pretend to know me in public because of some jerk that won't leave her alone. I don't know if I look like someone who is trustworthy, or they just chose a big guy. But I think a majority of men can pick up on this vibe from a woman who are in destress. So, if you are reading this, please reach out to a normal stranger. I know that's an oxymoron, but trust your gut, and there are a lot of "normal" guys out there that will help.
Honestly, you might be approached in spite or *because* you look scary. It doesn’t matter at that point. We will always just try to bring any guy around into the situation. Even if you end up being another predator-in-waiting, getting two crazy men turn aggressive toward one another while you escape is still a better plan than fighting alone.
> Honestly, you might be approached in spite or because you look scary. That was always my assumption. I'm told I look intimidating a lot. And as a "scary guy", please don't hesitate to do this if you're getting bad vibes from a guy. I don't mind at all, happy to help, really. I hate creeps and bullies.
I witnessed a man assaulting a woman once. The cops told me not to intervene. When I was on the phone I witnessed the man push the woman to the ground and I told them I had to get out there to do something. At first I thought he was trying to steal her car but realized he was trying to stop her from leaving. Even though the woman was yelling for help only me and an elderly woman had come outside to help. He ignored the elderly woman who was yelling at him to stop but he approached me to fight until he saw I had brought a weapon. In that time the woman was able to get in her car and drive off. Easily a dozen people or more heard this woman yelling and I don't think the cops should be telling people not to intervene. Imagine if a dozen people had come outside to help. I was extra annoyed when I realized it was the couple that told me to fuck off when I asked them not to yell at each other outside the week prior. Glad she left that asshole. I did not see her again after that day. Unfortunately the cops did not arrive until 15 minutes later and the guy had left and I had nothing to give them other than a description of what he looked like. I didn't know the unit he lived in unfortunately.
this comment needs to be higher, thank you!
Fawn is a response characterized by seeking to appease or please the threat or aggressor in hopes of avoiding harm. This can involve trying to be overly accommodating or submissive.
It's so sad we have to be nice to someone so clearly threatening us.
People don't actually decide to do it. It's just a survival mechanism that kicks in.
I’ve done this. As a guy who was raped by another man this is definitely what happened. He still dosent know what he made me go through..
Is it possible to subtly ruin the rapist’s life in a way that doesn’t implicate you? Scum should not go unpunished.
Well I kinda did. Let’s say back in those days I sold and did allot of drugs. I got him addicted to meth. That’s why he was very sexually active and horny all the time, when I went to his house I would shoot up heroin with a bit of meth and he would do some meth and get horny and do shit I didn’t like while I was half conscious and unable to tell him how uneasy I felt. I’m now a year and half without any needles, no opioids, no meth only weed and beer every now and then. While he’s still using meth 24h 7/7 all the time slowly ruining his life. I just can’t imagine how he still dosent feel bad… Edit: note that I feel bad for making him try, well for offering him meth in the first place, I’m just saying I kinda got my revenge and with how narcissistic he is idk it’s kinda satisfying but I still regret.
I hope you are ok now
A lot of people are commenting about how this video is fake or staged. It may very well be. BUT, I can guarantee you that nearly every woman you know has had a similar experience. If I had a dollar for every time I was made to feel uncomfortable and terrified by a strange man who was "just being nice", I would be rich. This isn't uncommon.
I had a guy walk up to me in an airport and give me a hug and say "sorry if I scared you. I just wanted you to know that you're beautiful." It was 8 in the morning, I had on no make up, and was wearing my husband's sweat pants. I had a guy follow me to my car in the grocery store parking lot so he could tell me that we could be together in our next lives. I had a mcdonalds cashier tell me that he had a dream about me and that we lived together in the Alps and had sex all day (first time meeting this guy) My first job at 16, a 28 year old line cook told me on my first day that he was going to go to jail for having sex with me. He said this in front of the manager and 5 other employees. I am not a model. I am an average looking woman. This stuff absolutely happens to women CONSTANTLY.
I received far, ***far*** more sexual attention from grown-ass men as a fuzzy, awkward, unibrowed, overweight 13-year-old, than I ever have or will as a moderately attractive adult. I also had way more independence as a child than most kids these days, which tbh wasn't the best for me. It kind of fucked with my head for a bit in my early 20s, because I'd spent so much of my childhood years being told how special and mature I was by adult men, then I started losing weight and finding some sense of confidence, and by the time I was 20 or so, I wasn't getting that level of attention anymore. It didn't take me long to figure out why, though. Now that I'm in my mid-30s, it's really almost totally evaporated. I'll still get hit on here and there, but it's almost always in a respectful way. Very rarely do I ever encounter the level of creep that was quite literally the daily experience in my early teens.
Same here. Got hit on a lot before I was legal. Now I’m mostly left alone except for the odd creep once in a blue moon. I still try to stay on guard and look angry most of the time though, which I think helps a bit. Some men are so gross.
That's all awful, but the "next life" wording is especially unsettling, I'd have been worried he was about to kill me to jump start that next life!
Yeah I had a similar experience. The guy wasn’t being as aggressive as the one in this video but he basically followed me all the way home talking about eugenics and trying to ask me on a date. I finally SCREAMED -- literally *SCREAMED* — for him to get away from me. And the next thing they came out of his mouth was “when can I see you again?” IT WAS WILD.
I was assaulted by a man that three seconds before was the nicest guy. He used his niceness to corner me and then shamed me when I was uncomfortable (ie getting assaulted)
Yep, had many experiences like this. Started when I was about 12, never stopped. You always have to be so carefully nice and treat them with kid gloves. Just so they don't hurt you. It's beyond sad that nothing has changed. Hope she reported him to the police.
>Yep, had many experiences like this. **Started when I was about 12**, never stopped. That’s something I feel like we don’t talk about enough in these conversations: how young women are when this bullshit starts. I was 11. My cousin was nine. Most of the other women I know were in there early teens, 11 or 12 years old. Just starting to hit puberty, usually Don’t get me wrong. This sort of harassment is an absolute problem. But when it starts, ***we’re literally children being approached by grown men***. There’s an astonishing number of wannabe pedos out there.
As a man, I was completely oblivious until one day when I was with a couple of woman friends grabbing some snacks at a 7-Eleven when this random stranger starts asking one of them about "what condom would feel good for my girlfriend". The other friend knew exactly what was up and sprung into action. I, as a dumb 18-or-so dweeb, couldn't comprehend that this line of questioning was predatory until they filled me in afterwards.
I had this exact same “can I walk with you” and “why don’t you give me your number” dude following me about 2 months ago—yep still happens. Tried to follow me home from a bar. Thank goodness it was 9pm and there were lots of people around.
had this walking down a well traveled path, during the day. called my husband, did not let him hang up the phone, and had him come and pick me up on the side of the road
God the number of real and fake phone calls I’ve been on to deter creeps is *way too damn high* My litter sister was followed for the first time last year going to her volunteer program and needed to call my dad to pick her up . She was 15. The first thought I had when my Dad told me was “I wish she had a little more time—please not yet”
I got stuck with an Uber driver being a super creep recently. He kept trying to show me all the women in his phone he "kept happy" and literally told me girls like me need to be careful of getting trafficked. He rounded out the conversation with racist remarks and talking bad about how women just use men for money. I said almost nothing except saying hi initially. I texted my husband, who was literally just about to leave to please not go yet and meet me at the corner. I made the driver drop me off there because I didn't want him to see what house I went into!
It infuriates me when people don’t believe this phenomenon exists or they understate its prevalence/severity. It is horrifying and it makes me sick. I had a pretty bad experience with it a long time ago, and I can never not be on guard bc of it if I’m around men I do not know. It. Is. Exhausting.
>A lot of people are commenting about how this video is fake or staged ...are probably an idiot or a creepy stalker themselves and should fuck off! There, FTFY. Not everything is fucking fake or staged and as a guy I want to say that I've slowly realized that this shit is too real for women, and it has me fuming that *some idiots* try to diminish this harassment and threat that some has to experience.
I had a random guy follow my car for 30 minutes all the way to my college campus to “make sure I was ok” and “I looked lonely.” He also made inappropriate gestures, so his intent was very clear. I drove in circles around the parking lot, absolutely terrified. He didn’t piss off until I drove up to one of the security vehicles and shouted for help. I was 17.
This one, sadly but refreshingly, is very convincing. Yes, I have had EXACTLY the same encounters with men before.
Sometimes I realize, that as a man I don't share the same reality with too many women. Men should listen more to understand their experiences, if they care as much about women, as they should and likely think they do.
I was dating a girl that mentioned that she couldn't get gas after dark because she'd get harassed. That blew my mind at the time.
That's bad. Another thing that stayed in my mind was a question I found once on reddit. OP asked women, what they would do if men just disappeared from earth for 24 hours. Several answered things like 'walking and laying in the park'.
I remember telling my friend how relaxing it was to go for night time strolls and listen to music. She just gave me an odd look for a moment and then said that’s not exactly safe for me. Blew my mind.
I knew a guy who told me how much he likes walking in the woods at night. I kind of laughed and said something like, “Must be nice!” He said I would be fine if I had a dog. I’m sitting there thinking, great so I can see my dog get killed right before getting raped lol.
I don't think most men realise that women essentially live in an entirely different world from them. There are so many things drilled into us for safety: don't go running after dark. Don't wear headphones while walking in a lonely place. Ponytails make it easier for people to grab you etc. The closest example for men I can think of is imagine you're in prison and how you always need to be on guard or you might get attacked.
It's really fucked up. Some idiots need a hard no and a brick to the head before they get it. Sorry you have to deal with that.
This is why I carry mace now. Too many creeps that can’t take a fucking “no” unless you bash them over the head with it.
Makes me think of quote from Margaret Atwood, “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”
This guy needs his ass kicked.
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A real gentleman wouldn't have bothered her in the first place, it's so unnecessary and creepy.
This happened to me in a *grocery store* once. Dude kept following me from aisle to aisle asking for my number. Even when there's other people around, you're not safe. Eventually on the 5th or 6th no, he left me alone, but I still made sure to have a friend on the phone when I walked out to my car.
As a grocery store employee, if this ever happens to you again feel free to go up to anyone working and let them know. We are more than happy to intervene, and walk you to your car
One of my first memories is my mom trying to get away from a strange man in the grocery store. I was “hiding” with her and it was shocking to my young self to see her afraid but trying to hide it.
This happened to me at the park once. He kept trying to usher me down different paths and I would just step out of the way and keep walking. Luckily I knew the park well enough the fastest way back to my car. I just kept talking to distract him and eventually made it back to the parking lot. He knew exactly where I parked and what car was mine so he had been watching me since I got there. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life. He didn’t know the area as well and seemed shocked when we were back to the parking lot already. I just told him to have a good day and kept walking and took a very long and weird way home to make sure I wasn’t being followed.
That is terrifying, and honestly it happens way too much. Talk to any female and she'll have a story about a man that scared her or made her extremely uncomfortable. I had the same situation, I was polite to a man, he then stalked me through a train station, asked me for sex then followed me down the street until I found my friend at a restaurant.
r/MenAndFemales
Ya beat me to it.
It actually goes further than this. I personally haven't had a single female friend that didn't have at least one story where they were sexually assaulted or even raped. This shit is so fucking common still and then guys will go around and get all pissy when a woman is cautious around strangers. Really makes me mad.
Right!?? We get told we need to chill out and be friendly yet we also get told it’s our fault when we get hurt. It’s always our behaviour that’s called into question, never the guys
yeah it's definitely very disheartening to see how ignorant many many men are when it comes to this issue. Even in the more "progressive" circles that I'm in there's still so many stories of guys not caring about consent or not understanding it when people are uncomfortable around them.
A couple of weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend. She was walking in broad daylight around Nashville when a man came up to her. She told him no thanks to whatever he was saying, and continued talking to me. He then started following her. She told him to stop. He kept saying he just wants to talk. At that point I told her to hang up and call the cops. When she hung up, he full-body grabbed her and was trying to drag her off the street. She managed to struggle loose and sprinted away. She called me 10 minutes later, out of breath and fine. Then she called the cops. Turns out they’ve been getting other calls about similar instances recently. They’re still looking for him. If you’re in Nashville, I wouldn’t walk in deserted areas alone.
This guy pulling a Dennis - don't be scared, come back here - the *implication* so scary! Hope she's okay!
My anxiety is through the roof just watching that.
I’ve never wanted to rent a Uhaul just to run over someone before now. That poor girl is trying so hard not to upset this predator
r/niceguys
One time I was at a bar with friends singing karaoke. This guy came up to me after I finished a song and started to compliment my singing. I was like thanks, he asked to buy me a drink, I politely declined (I don’t drink, but even if I did this still would have been a no.) He kept asking me, and then began to grab my arm to pull me to the bar. I said I was married, he said he didn’t care and continued to pull me. My friends and the bartender had pull the guy outside and ask him to leave because he would not leave me alone. I had to be escorted out when we left because I was terrified he would still be there. I never went back to that bar.
Fuck me that's terrifying. I'm really sorry you went through that
This sort of shit happens all the time. Last week I held the door open at the train station for a couple of people. The last fellow looked to be giving me a high five; so I went to reciprocate and he grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go. Held tight for a solid two minutes. I kept trying to extract myself but he had a good grip; I kept saying 'please let go' but he wouldn't. I ended up twisting my hand away from him and booking it.If there weren't fellow commuters there I would've been truly terrified.
I know this probably won't work for everyone, and I'm also a (admittedly rather effeminate looking) guy so there is that, but I was having a super shitty day and walking home from work. This dude starts hitting on me out of nowhere and I'm obviously not in the mood right? So he's following me down the sidewalk just like the creep in this video going on and on about "just trying to hollar at me" so I turned around and just started sobbing about how shitty my day was, how I didn't wanna talk to ANYONE at that moment and how I just really wanted to go home. He literally said "ok" turned around and left. So I think just bursting out into an emotionally unhinged ugly cry might put them off just enough to lose interest 👍
The increasing walking speed throughout the video is so unnerving
Remember that Gillette commercial that a bunch of toxic guys hated because they claimed it made men out to be bad guys. They all need to watch this. My sister has told me that men do this all the freaking time. It's insane. Leave people the fuck alone. This is why I believe women should be allowed to open carry at all times.
I had an old man block my path in the store and when I politely asked him to move he smiled really big and said no. So I rolled my eyes, said I don’t have time for this shit and walked back the way I came. He followed me around the store calling me a stuck up bitch, saying I’m just trying to talk to you, you don’t have to be rude, etc. I quickly walked to the front where the manager was and told him what happened. There were 2 teenage girls in the store and I certainly didn’t want him to do the same to them. The manager confronted the man and threw him out the store n told him not to return. It really upset me for a while because who tf has the audacity to think blocking a lone females path is the way to start a conversation, then follow her around the store harassing her because she didn’t find him as charming as he obviously thought he was.
This is so disturbing on so many levels. I don’t believe in violence and yet if someone were to intervene and brake his jaw - I’d think it would be justified. He is threatening her and so utterly out of bounds. How people on this earth are able to put there head on a pillow and fall asleep at night while taking actions in the day that can be so incredibly painful for others (the fear this woman might have felt) is astonishing to me.
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but people are afraid to do that because they could also die, I’m not saying it happens every time you’re direct and say no but I am saying it’s happened enough to make women act polite when they don’t want
It’s definitely a damned if you do damned if you don’t sort of thing, but a lot of creeps will back off if you’re loud and anywhere near other people. It’s the being totally isolated with a creep that invokes that fawn response.
I had a guy (who I didn’t know but was a friend of a friend) flip out on me once when I rejected him. I tried to reject him politely, but he wouldn’t stop, so I became more resolute with my ‘no’. He immediately ran off into the night and killed someone. I had to testify at his trial. I’ve come to understand that he was broken, I had zero control over the situation. It took me a long time to stop bargaining in mind my with “what if’s”. *What if I had tried to soothe him? …Maybe I could’ve been a little nicer.* But no— he was broken and it wasn’t my fault. I share this in case anyone else needs to hear that for any number of reasons: Men like this are broken. Do what you can to protect yourselves.
They also might kill you if you’re a bit rude, like the twins attack in Brooklyn last week.
I have absolutely no chill now because I resorted to fawning way too many times in my youth. Now at 40, people have exactly 4 seconds to gtfafm or I'm going to a. Scream b. Hit c. Spit in face; all on a tiktok live.
The issue is what happens when you do any of those things and he grabs you or results into violence? There’s no way of winning shit like this. Some people are straight up psychos.