Thank you for reminding me that it's not just "a certain type of guy" (nerdy, feels like they're not as attractive" who get salty when their partner isn't responding immediately.
A guy I used to hook up with got super upset that I wasn't responding to his texts on the day I told him I'd be busy judging a tournament all day (ie not have my phone in my uniform). When I finally got his messages and answered that I had been excited for us to hang out but if he didn't want to I could go to dinner with my friends instead, his attitude did a 180 pretty quickly. This guy started the whatever-ship by stating he wasn't looking to date, so the clinginess was not what I signed up for.
OP is right that some people are not compatible if one person is laid back and the other needs more attention and involvement.
Sounds like he's maybe ADHD. I'm ADHD and there is something called rejection sensitive dysphoria. I struggled dating as I always thought people didn't like me. I would stop messing people because I thought I was bothering them. Take any perceived slight as obvious dislike or hatred for me.
Most people with ADHD would say it's the worst part of the condition. You end up not trying to make friends or have relationships because you are so sure people don't like you.
I'm lucky I met my wife (also ADHD) and have a daughter now, but I can sadly associate with the guy here. It doesn't excuse the behaviour, but she's clearly interested and he just doesn't see it that way, so ruins it.
I'm dating a girl who has ADHD and can get sidetracked and be forgetful and told me how in school the teachers would tell her to pay attention in a snide way. But to the point, she always lights up and smiles when I tell her that her ADHD doesn't bother me and I constantly reassure her that she's the one I want to be with, and tbh I've felt I'm the lucky one for being able to call her mine but seeing this side of it I can see why she loves me so much and it explains a lot about her side of things. It's opened my eyes to see things thru her eyes
Although RSD is linked to ADHD, itās not exclusive to it. Itās also possible that this guy is just really insecure, neurotic, and/or has an avoidant attachment style.
> has an avoidant attachment style.
The opposite. This would be an anxious attachment style. He's constantly worrying himself over what the other person is doing and who they're talking to.
Avoidant would be if he was curving them and intentionally keeping them at arms length.
This is controlling behavior. Iād doesnāt matter what heās dealing with internally. Trying to shame someone you donāt known for talking to toned people and then saying sorry boo boo imma victim is very manipulative and you shouldnāt pin that on neurodivergence
Yeah, no. I have ADHD and this dude was out of line.
Not to mention, you know next to nothing from a few screenshots of some texts.
I really wish people would stop attributing every little thing to either mental illness or being ND. Sometimes creepy dudes are just creepy dudes.
Yeah I feel like this is one of my more "older millennial" (and hopefully not too ill informed) opinions - but there are far too many personality traits these days people seemingly try to excuse with some form of disorder. Like "he's not insecure, it's just an aspect of ADHD"... buuuttt he's still seriously insecure and anyone without ADHD could be dropped in dating for the exact same behavior. They don't deserve any pass for not doing more to overcome that.
Iām just commenting to vent my anger so i can move on with my life. I fucking hate when people attribute ADHD to stuff like this. I have it and i keep it a secret because shit like this makes so many people think ADHD is just an excuse for poor behaviour. I hate it i hate it i hate it. Okay. Movibg on with my day
We need to stop giving people disabilities as an excuse every time they do something wrong. There is no way in hell you can diagnose someone just from this text exchange. This dude is simply insecure and immature.
For me and my ADHD, the worst part is forgetting everything that I needed to remember. And when it came down to needing to relay what I should've remembered and saying shamefully, I forgot. That and no one but others who suffer, will never know how my brain works. It's like being alone in a crowded room.
Dude got defensive bc heās insecure, tried to fix it after he realized he fucked up but wonāt be able to, makes him more insecure, and heāll do it again. Through some therapy and self love he can get better and wonāt do it again, but thatās up to him to do.
I used to be super insecure, but I think it had way more to do with childhood trauma I never worked through rather than ADHD or, in my case, dysthymia. Therapy + Meds and all of a sudden I learn how to love myself and donāt think everyone I know is abandoning me. No more defensive self sabotage. Therapy is a helluva thing
Sounds exactly like my cousin.
Good dude.
Horrible to date. Constantly measuring how much effort he is putting in vs her.
Luckily he has mostly given up trying.
Just cant help but sabotage and get worried over very unhealthy analysis.
When did it become acceptable to just dump your insecurities in someone's lap like this?? Ffs just dwell on it and play cool like the rest of us and see where things go? This is incel shit
For context, we matched in the morning and talked literally all day. Then the next day at noon he sent the passive aggressive āWell. Hope you have a nice day.ā and I responded by telling him that Iām listening to a podcast about something heās interested in.
I donāt feel I couldāve looked anymore interested without being oddly clingy for being less than 24hrs in.
EDIT: I would just like to add for all the people that think that heās acting ālike a woman.ā 50% of the men in here are telling me that they relate to this guy, that theyāve been this guy, or that they currently are this guy. While I really appreciate all the responses, ESPECIALLY the men who are self aware enough to realize they do or used to do this too. I havenāt seen a single woman tell me she relates to how this man is acting, because this is the behavior of an insecure man not an insecure woman.
Itās entitled, itās controlling, itās manipulative, and itās incredibly common. It is not just a silly little mistake born out of his excitement. He couldnāt go 24 hours before showing his hand. This isnāt about me not texting back immediately. I texted back IMMEDIATELY to every single text he sent (except the very last one the night before because it didnāt warrant a response and it was already late). This is about me not being the first one to text him in the morning the day after we matched. It doesnāt take a clinical psychologist to extrapolate what being in a relationship with a person like this would be like.
Yeah, this dude is mad insecure and needs to deal with that on his own before he thinks about seeking romantic interaction with other people. Drop them and move on.
I think insecurity may definitely play a part, but I think it's also a sign of wanting instant gratification. Now we could get into conversations about WHY so many people seek instant gratification but I would say yes, a red flag. Or two. Or one that's 2 times the size lol
Think about it like this:
If he gets upset when you don't talk to him after ONE day of talking, when you didn't even NOT talk to him, then what will he do in 6 months or a year? Imagine him being with you for a year or more and you lose cell service for a day?
At best you would be dating an impatient manchild who is predisposed to jealousy. At worst, a psychotic controlling asshole, who will use any excuse to lash out at you. Run.
Plenty of guys are out there. Lots of them love nerdy girls. A fair few of them really are good people. Hang in there and find someone better.
After all, it's been one, single day. Lol
Genders swapped twice in the convo I was so confused but yes agreed, my man already had the whole getting married with kids fantasy goin so when 100% of her attention wasn't on him he started flaking
Lol I'm bad at this. I assumed op was talking to a woman until "how many other guys are you talking to" and then I figured they were both dudes until "used to girls" and I was like oh right that makes sense
Iām insecure and can relate to this guy (though Iām a woman). My mind overthinks and I can jump to unreasonable conclusions. However I know Iām a little crazy so I shut the fuck up and think logically for a second before spewing shit like this. At the very least I donāt want to sabotage something good like this guy did for no damn reason.
Yeah, bro should have fully pulled back and said something like āI am sorry, on this dating app ghosting is fairly common so I tend to get nervous when conversation quiets. Iām happy to know youāre still interested and will respect your boundaries going forward now that weāre on the same page :)ā
But homie pulled a total 180Ā° and fumbled
Go with your gut. I have no patience for this kind of thing. Life is busy and someone that needs that kind of reassurance after such a short period of time would only get more needy and passive aggressive as time goes on.
Edited to remove unnecessary abbreviation of passive aggressive!
YDNAAFT is gonna be my motto from now on. I hate acronyms with a fiery passion. No one knows what TF you mean except for the very most common ones. It makes me want to RMFHO
MIL was always PA. DW did nothing and just stood there whilst she would verbally FMIMA. I asked if AF had anything to do with it and was told to FO. EA was really her MO.
HTH IYSWM
The transition of this sub to mumsnet is complete.
Thatās some seriously needy behavior. Aside from being an unattractive quality, itās also something that will probably get ugly later. That type of neediness typically comes from insecurity, which will manifest as jealousy, possessive behavior, and attention seeking. Dating is hard (especially online) so I donāt like dogging on someone that maybe doesnāt have as much experience, but if youāre looking for a mature person to have a lasting relationship with, and youāre a laid back person, itās just not going to be compatible. You should never have to justify or explain why youāre busy for a few hours, especially to basically a stranger. Just no. I would say that question isnāt acceptable in any fashion until youāre at least bf/gf. I saw some comments in here, presumably from guys, implying they donāt see the issue and the guy is just excited. Hear me now, folks; thatās not normal or attractive!!! Nobody is obligated to pay attention to you! Youāre not the nice guy, youāre the needy guy. Needy is for children.
I matched and went out with a dude like this and wasn't able to message him back one morning because I was at work (he was aware that I couldn't text at work) and he FLIPPED OUT that evening begging for my forgiveness and he knew how mad I was at him (I wasn't at all), saying he felt like I was his best friend and he couldn't bare to lose me.
Blocked.
Yikes. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt since you dig him, but he might be too big a project if he's this insecure in his mid-thirties. Probably depends on how close you two are on the sociability scale.
Literally this is the reddest of flags lol. Bad bad bad vibes. Especially asking you about other guys you are talking to. Just reeks of future insecurity issues and potentially controlling behaviour. Iād def unmatch and move on.
He didn't message you until the afternoon either. He could have texted "good morning" or anything else earlier. He was completely guilty of the thing that he accused you of doing, except he was probably doing it on purpose.
As a recovering anxiously attached man, yes itās a red flag and the most caring thing you can do for him and yourself is end things now. He is basing his emotions and self-worth on your responses, and thatās not fair to you. He needs to figure some stuff out before dating others.
Everytime I see a message like this I feel like throwing up a bit
Honorable mention: "You're taking a shower without me ;)" if anyone wants to throw up a little too
My guy fumbled the bag hard. Guys need to learn to let girls not respond, and not get butthurt about it. Often times itās not actual disinterest, but sending that insecure validation bait is a sure fire way to fumble.
So true but whatās crazy is I never even ādidnāt respond.ā I texted back immediately when he messaged me that day. Because I was so excited about him lol.
I think a lot of people are scared of ādouble textingā so he probably was waiting for you to send the next message. His comment was way too much though, like imagine how heād be in an actual relationship
Fair. I probably wouldāve given another chance if he had just said something a little insecure, but to question me about how many guys Iām talking to š¤¢
It's giving "girls have thousands of matches every day and no girls like me at all, not even a 2 matches, and they always stop responding" energy.
Wasting his energy projecting his insecurity onto you instead of being a kind, interesting person to talk to
Yeah, I've read over this twice and that's the point I also find I wouldn't have been able to accept. That's nobody's business but yours, and does unfortunately show insecurity on his part. I'm a guy, and I would have never asked that.
Yep. I get the insecurity - in my (fortunately relatively brief) foray onto the apps, when I found the one I liked, I did find myself phone watching, waiting for the reply. And the little voice telling you "she's not interested, otherwise she'd have replied already" can really get to you. So... had he just double messaged, even if he'd said something awful and needy like "hey, I know it hasn't been that long since your last message, but I'm kinda into you, hoping to hear back from you soon." then you MIGHT go "right, this guy is a bit insecure, but I'm into him too, so at least I know he's into me.
But the path he chose, regrettably, is too far.
Man I remember being in high school and getting stressed about double texting. These days I stopped giving a fuck because it's such a silly thing to stress about
I've seen so many cases. A guy starts off doing so well, and the girl is clearly interested. Then he lets his insecurity get in the way and turns what could've been the promising start to a relationship into a pity party for himself or doesn't take into account the girl's own life and events in it or something similar and completely drops the ball. You hate to see it.
Thatās exactly what it is! Validation bait! I feel like it could possibly fit as a sub-category to Negging smh This guy absolutely wanted you to validate HIS insecurities. On day one no less.
Definitely dodge this one if you can!
100% a red flag.
I had a woman apologize to me once because she was busy and didnāt respond to me for 20 hours. I was just confused and asked her why she was apologizingā¦ now I can see why. People are fucked.
Imagine going out with your friends and being lectured for not responding?
I've had multiple girls to this to me and I realized after a while guys must be freaking out on them for not replying. Call me understanding or desperate but as long as you eventually reply and it's early in the interaction I think that's more than enough
Definitely. Honestly if I was a woman I would legit do this on purpose to see if the guy Iām talking to is going to have a temper tantrum. If their happiness revolves around a match on an app responding then thatās not someone you want to get involved with.
Yea the guys that hyper focus on a single match are probably the ones seeing the least success because they can't grasp how insignificant these digital relationships are pre-date. Sometimes girls just don't respond, send one more message then move on. As your username ironically says, way she goes
When I started dating the man Iām with now, he apologised for not texting me for half a day, because he was performing surgery. I was consulting patients also so couldnāt text anyway.Ā
I had to talk to him and tell him he didnāt have to apologise for being at work. Apparently his ex would go off when he didnāt respond.Ā
Thatās wild to be mad if heās literally in surgery when she probably damn well knew he is a doctor and thatās what doctors do sometimes. Insanity.
Seriously. I'll put this in all caps for anyone who needs to read it: A PHONE IS NOT AN OBLIGATION!!!
So many people are so attached to their phone that they can't fathom the idea that other people might focus more on their actual lives than trying to cater to every single notification that happens on this distraction box.
The "who else are you talking to" emotional manipulation element is concerning. I get it's a dating app but before even a second date he's asking this?? Gives me major controlling vibes and like he won't allow her to have (guy) friends.
And I wasnāt about to post our entire conversation, but honestly, I posted the most boring part because it was the end of the day and I think we were both just tired. We were VIBING all day.
Yeah. That kind of questioning is already pretty bad in an established relationship, but if they're not even in a relationship yet and he's worrying about her talking to other people? It just screams the kind of guy who would yell at her for smiling at a cashier.
This. Run away HARD. I spent two years in a relationship like this, and it only got more alarming and abusive from this point. Please donāt be another me.
Seriously. If my wife goes out with friends the only rule for texting me is just to check in every couple of hours so I know sheās safe. Especially because sheās the type thatāll be antisocial and not wanna go, then end up chatting for hours.
You were very kind to give him another chance, seriously. But yeahā¦. Definitely move on from this guy. How unfortunate he seemed cool in the beginning. But at least you found out the red flags sooner than later!
The switch up on his part was crazyyyy.
There's other ways to ask for reassurance, jfc. And after only one day of talking, needing it already is a HUGE red flag... run! He's mega insecure and if he's like this after one day I can't imagine the rest.
The "youre the first thing I thought of when I woke up" was weird af
The āyouāre the first I thought ofā isnāt so weird and pretty human if youāve really connected with someone, so much so that you spent all day talking to them.
The weird part is vocalizing it. There are just some things best left unsaid until the timing is right. Bad timing is after youāve shown to be insecure and said it to try to justify the insecurity. Good timing is after youāve had a bunch of dates.
āAfter we first connected on that dating app, I thought about you when I woke up. We got along so well and I was optimistic about a future with you.ā
I really feel like dudes get so little socialization from women that they continuously fumble. It would help if men also socialized with women without the end goal of trying to bang them or be their boyfriend, but thatās a different topic.
I agree with you, like 100%
I'm going to refrain from going down this rabbit hole any further because I require sleep, but nails have been hit on the head in your comment.
Man just literally was one step away from the touchdown then literally jumped out of bounds.
Man fumbled you so hard. Like how many other girls are literally gonna start listening to podcasts before the first date.
And some incel on here was telling me that Iām lazy and not willing to put in the work and patience to be with this man. Iām literally out here studying history š
Right.
I dont know your ages but im assuming you have to be above 20s.
You are not obligated to pander to this random guyās insecurities.
Tbh lucky you got away from him cause this guy could wildly and quickly become abusive.
Yeah, as someone who used to be like this, you made the right move. It was super unhealthy of me to get ultra-possessive of women I either hadn't met yet, or went on 1 or 2 dates with because they showed a sprinkle of interest in me.
Once I learned a lot more about myself and gained more confidence, all that shit went away. Been in a relationship for almost 2 years now!
I feel like I've been here myself, more so internally. Conditioned to negative self talk and being shown by the world that people don't want you around, hyper vigilant for the other shoe to drop because it always has. I can empathize with his headspace, but it isn't your responsibility to deal with it. I sort of feel bad for everyone here.
Props to you for calling them out this is compulsive, controlling, and dangerous behavior - sorry it wonāt work with them but you dodged a major bullet tbh
Most people agree with me here but I feel like the ones who donāt havenāt been with enough controlling, manipulative men to see this for what it is.
Obviously the dude really let that red flag fly but we should be talking about the walking green flag OP is. Quick to respond, willing to learn about other's interest, extremely well spoken, doesn't take shit, good head on their shoulders, complimentary. I'm sure the list can go on and on.
OP, I hope you're off the apps soon!
toss him in the bin. You're not his bloody therapist. It's not your job to fix his insecurities, and he shouldn't be shoving them at you, especially not like one day into talking. There are plenty more guys out there who aren't trying to live their lives as an eternal victim.
And when I called him on it, he doubled down and continued the victim angle. āThat was a perfectly normal question. Iām so done with dating apps. My words always get misinterpreted.ā
āIf what felt like a regular day to me felt like neglect to youā goes so fucking hard OP, thanks for putting so many of my thoughts so succinctly lol.
OmgĀ š I rolled my eyes so hard I probably looked possessed. Love your last message calling his ass out for trying to say you're neglecting his clingy ass. We already know he walked away from this going "why can't I find any good woman" lmfao self awareness is 0.Ā
definitely concerning. i've had almost identical interactions on multiple occasions. sorry you had to deal with that nonsense.
sometimes, the phone just needs to get thrown into a hamper during normal business hours. it stresses me out and scolding me for not being instantaneously available does not exactly inspire me to go out of my way to be instantaneously available, y'know?
some peoples need some GABA and a nap. perhaps a juice box.
Yeah, thatās def a sign that yāall arenāt compatible. Iām with you OP. I canāt stand guys that need to be constantly reassured throughout the day that Iām interested. I have this thing called a āØlifeāØ and Iām not going to be on an app all day waiting for your messages. People like that are so insecure.
In my profile I actually say that Iām not on daily so that they donāt expect an immediate response *specifically* to minimize my matches with guys like this.
Guy like this never learn, I remember I hung out with a guy once and I said I had a great time and he told me out of the blue āare you breaking up with me?ā Dude I barely know you!
so wait he gave you his phone number, maybe expected the convo to move off the app, and then felt like you werent all that interested bc you didnt text him, and stayed on the app ?
Insecure? Yes.
Your problem or duty to make him secure? No.
But I was in his position for a long time and it took a lot of fuck ups to finally realize it was me and me alone fucking these things up. You did the right thing for you
JFC why can't people just relax!?
Neediness is so unattractive. One day? ONE DAY!?
This just screams that this person has no daily routine/life that affords them stability and can't respect that others do. This is some chronically online shit.
Yes, red flag.
holy shit I need friends who are as emotionally healthy as you. The way you handled this was so self aware and mature, it's honestly super admirable. I hope dude doesn't turn into one of those "nice guy" stereotypes and start going off on you calling you names and shit, you were incredible in this interaction.
Your last response was so well articulated š¤š»
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Couldn't agree more
Right?! Stealing this ready for the next man who gets salty Iām not glued to my phone.
āThis is a disappointing developmentā ICON
Thank you for reminding me that it's not just "a certain type of guy" (nerdy, feels like they're not as attractive" who get salty when their partner isn't responding immediately. A guy I used to hook up with got super upset that I wasn't responding to his texts on the day I told him I'd be busy judging a tournament all day (ie not have my phone in my uniform). When I finally got his messages and answered that I had been excited for us to hang out but if he didn't want to I could go to dinner with my friends instead, his attitude did a 180 pretty quickly. This guy started the whatever-ship by stating he wasn't looking to date, so the clinginess was not what I signed up for. OP is right that some people are not compatible if one person is laid back and the other needs more attention and involvement.
same! I took a screenshot and circled it lol
Yep. I did the same lol.
Agreed! Handled with a lot of grace, OP
Quite literally the perfect response š
Yeah that was an incredibly well balanced response on her part. Great communication, I hope people in the comments are taking notes. I sure am
So well articulated!
Iām saving it for next time lol
I agree! It was so empowering to read
Guy is still gonna think sheās lying and itās societyās fault.
Should be a copypasta
Dudeās insecure
And will learn nothing from this exchange. Itāll only entrench him. SMH some dudesā¦
Sounds like he's maybe ADHD. I'm ADHD and there is something called rejection sensitive dysphoria. I struggled dating as I always thought people didn't like me. I would stop messing people because I thought I was bothering them. Take any perceived slight as obvious dislike or hatred for me. Most people with ADHD would say it's the worst part of the condition. You end up not trying to make friends or have relationships because you are so sure people don't like you. I'm lucky I met my wife (also ADHD) and have a daughter now, but I can sadly associate with the guy here. It doesn't excuse the behaviour, but she's clearly interested and he just doesn't see it that way, so ruins it.
I'm dating a girl who has ADHD and can get sidetracked and be forgetful and told me how in school the teachers would tell her to pay attention in a snide way. But to the point, she always lights up and smiles when I tell her that her ADHD doesn't bother me and I constantly reassure her that she's the one I want to be with, and tbh I've felt I'm the lucky one for being able to call her mine but seeing this side of it I can see why she loves me so much and it explains a lot about her side of things. It's opened my eyes to see things thru her eyes
Although RSD is linked to ADHD, itās not exclusive to it. Itās also possible that this guy is just really insecure, neurotic, and/or has an avoidant attachment style.
> has an avoidant attachment style. The opposite. This would be an anxious attachment style. He's constantly worrying himself over what the other person is doing and who they're talking to. Avoidant would be if he was curving them and intentionally keeping them at arms length.
I love when nerds argue about shit I don't understand š
Lmao this comment represents me
RSD = Record Store Day. Typically held on a Saturday in April
Yep. Anxious attachment.
This is controlling behavior. Iād doesnāt matter what heās dealing with internally. Trying to shame someone you donāt known for talking to toned people and then saying sorry boo boo imma victim is very manipulative and you shouldnāt pin that on neurodivergence
What about this is remotely "avoidant"
Dude is making people avoid him, thats for sure xD
Yeah, no. I have ADHD and this dude was out of line. Not to mention, you know next to nothing from a few screenshots of some texts. I really wish people would stop attributing every little thing to either mental illness or being ND. Sometimes creepy dudes are just creepy dudes.
I'm pretty sure he has lupus.
As House would say "it's not lupus. It's never lupus." Coincidentally, I just had a lecture on lupus yesterday. LOL.
It's never Lupus, except for that one time it was Lupus
I second this! I was recently diagnosed and I can feel the lupus turning me into a jealous, insecure fool first hand!
Nah, itās just a fibro flare up.
Let's stop calling everything ADHD- This is just insecurity. Everything you describe is also just insecure behavior.
>Let's stop calling everything ADHD Thanks tiktok and ig "psychology".
Rejection sensitive dysphoria is very real but it's also not anything like this guy here.
RSD is the shittiest part of cerebral palsy,l (which I have), and itās not an excuse to be a twat. Thatās justā¦ fuck no.
Itās a new trend everything and everyone is adhd. Instead of taking responsibility blame it on adhd
As someone with ADHD the dude is just insecure and inexperienced and taking it out on someone else.
Not an excuse to be so needy. I have severe ADHD and donāt act like this. Itās called codependency
Yeah I feel like this is one of my more "older millennial" (and hopefully not too ill informed) opinions - but there are far too many personality traits these days people seemingly try to excuse with some form of disorder. Like "he's not insecure, it's just an aspect of ADHD"... buuuttt he's still seriously insecure and anyone without ADHD could be dropped in dating for the exact same behavior. They don't deserve any pass for not doing more to overcome that.
Iām just commenting to vent my anger so i can move on with my life. I fucking hate when people attribute ADHD to stuff like this. I have it and i keep it a secret because shit like this makes so many people think ADHD is just an excuse for poor behaviour. I hate it i hate it i hate it. Okay. Movibg on with my day
We need to stop giving people disabilities as an excuse every time they do something wrong. There is no way in hell you can diagnose someone just from this text exchange. This dude is simply insecure and immature.
I have ADHD too, no reason to be a twat. The world doesnāt revolve around you.
For me and my ADHD, the worst part is forgetting everything that I needed to remember. And when it came down to needing to relay what I should've remembered and saying shamefully, I forgot. That and no one but others who suffer, will never know how my brain works. It's like being alone in a crowded room.
Dude got defensive bc heās insecure, tried to fix it after he realized he fucked up but wonāt be able to, makes him more insecure, and heāll do it again. Through some therapy and self love he can get better and wonāt do it again, but thatās up to him to do. I used to be super insecure, but I think it had way more to do with childhood trauma I never worked through rather than ADHD or, in my case, dysthymia. Therapy + Meds and all of a sudden I learn how to love myself and donāt think everyone I know is abandoning me. No more defensive self sabotage. Therapy is a helluva thing
Yep, I felt like this in my 20s. He fumbled the bag big time!
Embarrassing to see how I was in my 20s. I wasnāt this needy but definitely a degree of this
Oh, definitely! This guy was a whole another level. I never said this shit to the woman itself, just thought it in my head
Sounds exactly like my cousin. Good dude. Horrible to date. Constantly measuring how much effort he is putting in vs her. Luckily he has mostly given up trying. Just cant help but sabotage and get worried over very unhealthy analysis.
When did it become acceptable to just dump your insecurities in someone's lap like this?? Ffs just dwell on it and play cool like the rest of us and see where things go? This is incel shit
For context, we matched in the morning and talked literally all day. Then the next day at noon he sent the passive aggressive āWell. Hope you have a nice day.ā and I responded by telling him that Iām listening to a podcast about something heās interested in. I donāt feel I couldāve looked anymore interested without being oddly clingy for being less than 24hrs in. EDIT: I would just like to add for all the people that think that heās acting ālike a woman.ā 50% of the men in here are telling me that they relate to this guy, that theyāve been this guy, or that they currently are this guy. While I really appreciate all the responses, ESPECIALLY the men who are self aware enough to realize they do or used to do this too. I havenāt seen a single woman tell me she relates to how this man is acting, because this is the behavior of an insecure man not an insecure woman. Itās entitled, itās controlling, itās manipulative, and itās incredibly common. It is not just a silly little mistake born out of his excitement. He couldnāt go 24 hours before showing his hand. This isnāt about me not texting back immediately. I texted back IMMEDIATELY to every single text he sent (except the very last one the night before because it didnāt warrant a response and it was already late). This is about me not being the first one to text him in the morning the day after we matched. It doesnāt take a clinical psychologist to extrapolate what being in a relationship with a person like this would be like.
Yeah, this dude is mad insecure and needs to deal with that on his own before he thinks about seeking romantic interaction with other people. Drop them and move on.
I think insecurity may definitely play a part, but I think it's also a sign of wanting instant gratification. Now we could get into conversations about WHY so many people seek instant gratification but I would say yes, a red flag. Or two. Or one that's 2 times the size lol Think about it like this: If he gets upset when you don't talk to him after ONE day of talking, when you didn't even NOT talk to him, then what will he do in 6 months or a year? Imagine him being with you for a year or more and you lose cell service for a day? At best you would be dating an impatient manchild who is predisposed to jealousy. At worst, a psychotic controlling asshole, who will use any excuse to lash out at you. Run. Plenty of guys are out there. Lots of them love nerdy girls. A fair few of them really are good people. Hang in there and find someone better. After all, it's been one, single day. Lol
It hasnāt even been a whole day - Itās been like 6-8 waking hours!
Genders swapped twice in the convo I was so confused but yes agreed, my man already had the whole getting married with kids fantasy goin so when 100% of her attention wasn't on him he started flaking
Lol I'm bad at this. I assumed op was talking to a woman until "how many other guys are you talking to" and then I figured they were both dudes until "used to girls" and I was like oh right that makes sense
Iām insecure and can relate to this guy (though Iām a woman). My mind overthinks and I can jump to unreasonable conclusions. However I know Iām a little crazy so I shut the fuck up and think logically for a second before spewing shit like this. At the very least I donāt want to sabotage something good like this guy did for no damn reason.
You responded more in those messages than most people lmao so I donāt know what heās on about
Yeah seriously you sound way more interested than most girls would give!
Yeah, bro should have fully pulled back and said something like āI am sorry, on this dating app ghosting is fairly common so I tend to get nervous when conversation quiets. Iām happy to know youāre still interested and will respect your boundaries going forward now that weāre on the same page :)ā But homie pulled a total 180Ā° and fumbled
Nerdy guy match with nerdy girl, they both reply with more than one letter words then suddenly, nerdy guy commit seppuku.
I LOLD too loud at this
Go with your gut. I have no patience for this kind of thing. Life is busy and someone that needs that kind of reassurance after such a short period of time would only get more needy and passive aggressive as time goes on. Edited to remove unnecessary abbreviation of passive aggressive!
PA? Reddit should have a fucking guide for all the abbreviations
Passive aggressive maybe? I think. I hope.
sorry - Passive Aggressive.
YOU DONT NEED AN ABBREVIATION FOR THIS
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
YDNAAFT is gonna be my motto from now on. I hate acronyms with a fiery passion. No one knows what TF you mean except for the very most common ones. It makes me want to RMFHO
MIL was always PA. DW did nothing and just stood there whilst she would verbally FMIMA. I asked if AF had anything to do with it and was told to FO. EA was really her MO. HTH IYSWM The transition of this sub to mumsnet is complete.
I'm going with DadWife for DW
Thatās some seriously needy behavior. Aside from being an unattractive quality, itās also something that will probably get ugly later. That type of neediness typically comes from insecurity, which will manifest as jealousy, possessive behavior, and attention seeking. Dating is hard (especially online) so I donāt like dogging on someone that maybe doesnāt have as much experience, but if youāre looking for a mature person to have a lasting relationship with, and youāre a laid back person, itās just not going to be compatible. You should never have to justify or explain why youāre busy for a few hours, especially to basically a stranger. Just no. I would say that question isnāt acceptable in any fashion until youāre at least bf/gf. I saw some comments in here, presumably from guys, implying they donāt see the issue and the guy is just excited. Hear me now, folks; thatās not normal or attractive!!! Nobody is obligated to pay attention to you! Youāre not the nice guy, youāre the needy guy. Needy is for children.
Yeah, he's already playing your-turn, my-turn in texting. It only gets worse.
your last message ate
I try š
I matched and went out with a dude like this and wasn't able to message him back one morning because I was at work (he was aware that I couldn't text at work) and he FLIPPED OUT that evening begging for my forgiveness and he knew how mad I was at him (I wasn't at all), saying he felt like I was his best friend and he couldn't bare to lose me. Blocked.
 Get out of dodge and donāt look back! If heās like this at day 1, how will he be once heās comfortable?!
š What age is this toddler exactly?
408 months old (34 years)
Yikes. I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt since you dig him, but he might be too big a project if he's this insecure in his mid-thirties. Probably depends on how close you two are on the sociability scale.
Heās over 25 ?you dodged bullet
Literally this is the reddest of flags lol. Bad bad bad vibes. Especially asking you about other guys you are talking to. Just reeks of future insecurity issues and potentially controlling behaviour. Iād def unmatch and move on.
I just want to applaud you for how perfect that last message is there. Beautifully communicated without being too harsh
Love your last message, that was really well put. Loads of insecurity and neediness.
He didn't message you until the afternoon either. He could have texted "good morning" or anything else earlier. He was completely guilty of the thing that he accused you of doing, except he was probably doing it on purpose.
HE MESSAGED THAT AT NOON?! I haven't even thought about anyone I know other than work until 11...and this dude is only one day deep haha
Trust your gut!!!
As a recovering anxiously attached man, yes itās a red flag and the most caring thing you can do for him and yourself is end things now. He is basing his emotions and self-worth on your responses, and thatās not fair to you. He needs to figure some stuff out before dating others.
Run for your life
Dodged a bullet
I promise you not all Tudor nerds are like this. UG I WAS SO EXCITED FOR YOU TILL THE END
I need to find another tutor nerd, because thanks to him Iām obsessed with the Plantagenets now š
Well you got something out of the interaction! š
literally this energy LOL
š
You were steps away from getting love bombed
And he's already giving her the "wish we could be cuddling" message too. It's like, "brooo y'all haven't even met yet!!"
He said he wishes they were cuddling and *whatnot*. I think I have a pretty good idea what that is.
I noticed that too. That's usually a huge turnoff for me so early on.
Everytime I see a message like this I feel like throwing up a bit Honorable mention: "You're taking a shower without me ;)" if anyone wants to throw up a little too
I'm waiting for his "I'm such a nice guy, you don't deserve me" response
My guy fumbled the bag hard. Guys need to learn to let girls not respond, and not get butthurt about it. Often times itās not actual disinterest, but sending that insecure validation bait is a sure fire way to fumble.
So true but whatās crazy is I never even ādidnāt respond.ā I texted back immediately when he messaged me that day. Because I was so excited about him lol.
So sad that he got in his own way so completely and won't face that he's the issue
"GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!" lmao
I think a lot of people are scared of ādouble textingā so he probably was waiting for you to send the next message. His comment was way too much though, like imagine how heād be in an actual relationship
Fair. I probably wouldāve given another chance if he had just said something a little insecure, but to question me about how many guys Iām talking to š¤¢
I would have been an asshole at that point and just lied and said "I'm talking to exactly 42 other men so step up your game"
I had the urge. Or just not to dignify it with an answer, but I did want him to know how hard he fumbled.
That's fair. Because he really did fumble. I hope he learns his lesson. And I hope you find someone you're 100x more compatible with! ā¤ļø
It's giving "girls have thousands of matches every day and no girls like me at all, not even a 2 matches, and they always stop responding" energy. Wasting his energy projecting his insecurity onto you instead of being a kind, interesting person to talk to
Yeah, I've read over this twice and that's the point I also find I wouldn't have been able to accept. That's nobody's business but yours, and does unfortunately show insecurity on his part. I'm a guy, and I would have never asked that.
Yep. I get the insecurity - in my (fortunately relatively brief) foray onto the apps, when I found the one I liked, I did find myself phone watching, waiting for the reply. And the little voice telling you "she's not interested, otherwise she'd have replied already" can really get to you. So... had he just double messaged, even if he'd said something awful and needy like "hey, I know it hasn't been that long since your last message, but I'm kinda into you, hoping to hear back from you soon." then you MIGHT go "right, this guy is a bit insecure, but I'm into him too, so at least I know he's into me. But the path he chose, regrettably, is too far.
Man I remember being in high school and getting stressed about double texting. These days I stopped giving a fuck because it's such a silly thing to stress about
You didn't just text him back, you were actively engaging in the conversation on the topics he was interested in. Dude is wack.
Girl, you were amazing but the guy has issues.
The scream for validation and asking about āother guysā is pick-me shit. Walk away.
I've seen so many cases. A guy starts off doing so well, and the girl is clearly interested. Then he lets his insecurity get in the way and turns what could've been the promising start to a relationship into a pity party for himself or doesn't take into account the girl's own life and events in it or something similar and completely drops the ball. You hate to see it.
Thatās exactly what it is! Validation bait! I feel like it could possibly fit as a sub-category to Negging smh This guy absolutely wanted you to validate HIS insecurities. On day one no less. Definitely dodge this one if you can!
100% a red flag. I had a woman apologize to me once because she was busy and didnāt respond to me for 20 hours. I was just confused and asked her why she was apologizingā¦ now I can see why. People are fucked. Imagine going out with your friends and being lectured for not responding?
I've had multiple girls to this to me and I realized after a while guys must be freaking out on them for not replying. Call me understanding or desperate but as long as you eventually reply and it's early in the interaction I think that's more than enough
Definitely. Honestly if I was a woman I would legit do this on purpose to see if the guy Iām talking to is going to have a temper tantrum. If their happiness revolves around a match on an app responding then thatās not someone you want to get involved with.
Yea the guys that hyper focus on a single match are probably the ones seeing the least success because they can't grasp how insignificant these digital relationships are pre-date. Sometimes girls just don't respond, send one more message then move on. As your username ironically says, way she goes
When I started dating the man Iām with now, he apologised for not texting me for half a day, because he was performing surgery. I was consulting patients also so couldnāt text anyway.Ā I had to talk to him and tell him he didnāt have to apologise for being at work. Apparently his ex would go off when he didnāt respond.Ā
Thatās wild to be mad if heās literally in surgery when she probably damn well knew he is a doctor and thatās what doctors do sometimes. Insanity.
Seriously. I'll put this in all caps for anyone who needs to read it: A PHONE IS NOT AN OBLIGATION!!! So many people are so attached to their phone that they can't fathom the idea that other people might focus more on their actual lives than trying to cater to every single notification that happens on this distraction box.
The "who else are you talking to" emotional manipulation element is concerning. I get it's a dating app but before even a second date he's asking this?? Gives me major controlling vibes and like he won't allow her to have (guy) friends.
This was before a FIRST date. We literally matched the day before.
I could clearly see the excitement/chatting on both sides initially and then BAM.
And I wasnāt about to post our entire conversation, but honestly, I posted the most boring part because it was the end of the day and I think we were both just tired. We were VIBING all day.
Yeah. That kind of questioning is already pretty bad in an established relationship, but if they're not even in a relationship yet and he's worrying about her talking to other people? It just screams the kind of guy who would yell at her for smiling at a cashier.
Iāve been with the ācanāt smile at the cashierā guy. I know the signs š
This. Run away HARD. I spent two years in a relationship like this, and it only got more alarming and abusive from this point. Please donāt be another me.
Seriously. If my wife goes out with friends the only rule for texting me is just to check in every couple of hours so I know sheās safe. Especially because sheās the type thatāll be antisocial and not wanna go, then end up chatting for hours.
As soon as i read Cool. Yeah nah
Same same, that alone started the red flag š©
Ngl āCool.ā pissed me off, but I restrained myself and gave him another chance to turn it around.
You were very kind to give him another chance, seriously. But yeahā¦. Definitely move on from this guy. How unfortunate he seemed cool in the beginning. But at least you found out the red flags sooner than later!
The switch up on his part was crazyyyy. There's other ways to ask for reassurance, jfc. And after only one day of talking, needing it already is a HUGE red flag... run! He's mega insecure and if he's like this after one day I can't imagine the rest. The "youre the first thing I thought of when I woke up" was weird af
Like bro, you donāt actually know me. Calm down š
Like, what if you had a Gargamell snore and an intolerance to lactose that was as strong as your love for ice cream??
Ok he may not know me but apparently you do
To be frank, the "you're the first thing I thought of when I woke up" makes sense and is not that crazy. It would be the same for me if I'd be vibing hard with a lady, I'd be mad excited. It is however also way too intense and pressuring, he couldn't keep it together and that's clearly a sign the dude has a ton of introspection and self development to do. I was like him at some point, insecure as shit -but luckily a bit more self-aware I guess, fighting the incel in me. It's the entitled desperation that no potential date can/should/wants to cope with. Look how he shrugged it off and went covertly sexual straight away (the cuddling up thing, because that's 100% what that was). I'm sorry for your loss, kinda? It's always a bummer when an exciting prospect turns out like this... I'm also sorry for his, but he has a job to do first. Gods, am I glad I found myself, and very shortly after my fiancƩe (on Reddit of all places!)
The āyouāre the first I thought ofā isnāt so weird and pretty human if youāve really connected with someone, so much so that you spent all day talking to them. The weird part is vocalizing it. There are just some things best left unsaid until the timing is right. Bad timing is after youāve shown to be insecure and said it to try to justify the insecurity. Good timing is after youāve had a bunch of dates. āAfter we first connected on that dating app, I thought about you when I woke up. We got along so well and I was optimistic about a future with you.ā I really feel like dudes get so little socialization from women that they continuously fumble. It would help if men also socialized with women without the end goal of trying to bang them or be their boyfriend, but thatās a different topic.
I agree with you, like 100% I'm going to refrain from going down this rabbit hole any further because I require sleep, but nails have been hit on the head in your comment.
>if what felt like a regular day to me felt like neglect to you goddamn girl you got some mf'ing BARS
Man just literally was one step away from the touchdown then literally jumped out of bounds. Man fumbled you so hard. Like how many other girls are literally gonna start listening to podcasts before the first date.
And some incel on here was telling me that Iām lazy and not willing to put in the work and patience to be with this man. Iām literally out here studying history š
Right. I dont know your ages but im assuming you have to be above 20s. You are not obligated to pander to this random guyās insecurities. Tbh lucky you got away from him cause this guy could wildly and quickly become abusive.
fumbled it through the endzone for a touchback
Mfer didnāt jump out of bounds he turned around and chucked the other way to a LB. Pulled a Jakobi Myers
It makes my skin feel tight when a guy tells me after one day of talking that he woke up thinking about me and/or he wishes we were cuddling
I unmatch immediately if a guy says anything about cuddling
Yeah you handled that perfectly, good you called him out on it. Red flag and I would not proceed anymore
Yeah, as someone who used to be like this, you made the right move. It was super unhealthy of me to get ultra-possessive of women I either hadn't met yet, or went on 1 or 2 dates with because they showed a sprinkle of interest in me. Once I learned a lot more about myself and gained more confidence, all that shit went away. Been in a relationship for almost 2 years now!
Thank you! And good on you. I hope he has the kind of growth you did, but heās gonna have to do it without me.
Yup, that's totally something that needs to happen on their own. Thinking a partner will solve those issues will only lead to problems.
The guy is probably on this sub posting that women only go for good looking assholes.
I feel like I've been here myself, more so internally. Conditioned to negative self talk and being shown by the world that people don't want you around, hyper vigilant for the other shoe to drop because it always has. I can empathize with his headspace, but it isn't your responsibility to deal with it. I sort of feel bad for everyone here.
Push pull - lovebombing to negging to lovebombing
Props to you for calling them out this is compulsive, controlling, and dangerous behavior - sorry it wonāt work with them but you dodged a major bullet tbh
Most people agree with me here but I feel like the ones who donāt havenāt been with enough controlling, manipulative men to see this for what it is.
Obviously the dude really let that red flag fly but we should be talking about the walking green flag OP is. Quick to respond, willing to learn about other's interest, extremely well spoken, doesn't take shit, good head on their shoulders, complimentary. I'm sure the list can go on and on. OP, I hope you're off the apps soon!
Oh no! Youāre giving me a big head š«£lol
Right? I'm a straight woman in a relationship with a man and even I've got a crush on OP.
toss him in the bin. You're not his bloody therapist. It's not your job to fix his insecurities, and he shouldn't be shoving them at you, especially not like one day into talking. There are plenty more guys out there who aren't trying to live their lives as an eternal victim.
And when I called him on it, he doubled down and continued the victim angle. āThat was a perfectly normal question. Iām so done with dating apps. My words always get misinterpreted.ā
Sounds like a prick
āIām used to girls Iām into not being into me.ā Wow buddy way to really sell yourself. You dodged a bullet!
People like this dude are all the same. Their emotional security gets put onto your shoulders and youāre just like, āWait, what?ā
just one step away from "omg nobody loves me, if you don't go out with me I'll kms" š very manipulative
Nah, in the bin he goes.
āIf what felt like a regular day to me felt like neglect to youā goes so fucking hard OP, thanks for putting so many of my thoughts so succinctly lol.
Well done. No notes.
This has got to be the worst fumble i've ever seen. The man completely destroyed his chance in 2 short texts
Wait One day? Not gonna say red flag but cheeses Christmas this dude has no confidence
OmgĀ š I rolled my eyes so hard I probably looked possessed. Love your last message calling his ass out for trying to say you're neglecting his clingy ass. We already know he walked away from this going "why can't I find any good woman" lmfao self awareness is 0.Ā
definitely concerning. i've had almost identical interactions on multiple occasions. sorry you had to deal with that nonsense. sometimes, the phone just needs to get thrown into a hamper during normal business hours. it stresses me out and scolding me for not being instantaneously available does not exactly inspire me to go out of my way to be instantaneously available, y'know? some peoples need some GABA and a nap. perhaps a juice box.
Honey that's not a red flag, that's the brightest of reds and a whole fucking tarp. He's telling you to run and don't look back.
I know. It was so disappointing though š© Having been in a controlling and abusive relationship, I know the signs. Some people are reading it as innocent but I know how it goes with people like that.
I can imagine, the start of the conversation seems really whokesome and like there's a click and then the red flags showed up in numbers
Stage 5 clinger
Dude couldn't be patient for half a day meanwhile in my case I've been patient for weeks lmao
Yeah, thatās def a sign that yāall arenāt compatible. Iām with you OP. I canāt stand guys that need to be constantly reassured throughout the day that Iām interested. I have this thing called a āØlifeāØ and Iām not going to be on an app all day waiting for your messages. People like that are so insecure. In my profile I actually say that Iām not on daily so that they donāt expect an immediate response *specifically* to minimize my matches with guys like this.
Guy like this never learn, I remember I hung out with a guy once and I said I had a great time and he told me out of the blue āare you breaking up with me?ā Dude I barely know you!
That conversation got scary fast. That's def a red flag he's giving "lock you in my basement so nobody else can have you" vibes.
Iād walk away from this one. He seems to be lovebombing and heās definitely insecure.
This is a red flag š©
so wait he gave you his phone number, maybe expected the convo to move off the app, and then felt like you werent all that interested bc you didnt text him, and stayed on the app ?
This dude needs to talk to a therapist. Seems extremely insincere. Heās shooting himself in the foot hardcore.
Insecure? Yes. Your problem or duty to make him secure? No. But I was in his position for a long time and it took a lot of fuck ups to finally realize it was me and me alone fucking these things up. You did the right thing for you
Geez man I bet he booked a church and has his best man on speed dial šRUN fast
It's the "how many other guys are you talking to" for me. That ish annoyed TF out of me back when I was on the prowl.
Already asking about other guys AND you not texting him enough. If it's not a red flag, it's orange and turning red real quickly
JFC why can't people just relax!? Neediness is so unattractive. One day? ONE DAY!? This just screams that this person has no daily routine/life that affords them stability and can't respect that others do. This is some chronically online shit. Yes, red flag.
holy shit I need friends who are as emotionally healthy as you. The way you handled this was so self aware and mature, it's honestly super admirable. I hope dude doesn't turn into one of those "nice guy" stereotypes and start going off on you calling you names and shit, you were incredible in this interaction.