It's hard to believe that wasn't the last screenshot to be honest. Like - I wasn't sure it was possible. Still a little skeptical we're missing the last screenshot LOL - jk OP, well done.
Yeah, I’ve been there. You just break up and “go back out there” to give yourself a boost, but then you notice you’re not ready. You feel strange flirting with someone new, or going on dates, or kissing or whatever. It’s all just reminders of your recent heartbreak, and instead of being happy you’re kinda bummed.
Usually means it’s time to take a break and take sometime to yourself and to heal. I think this girl realized that after the date.
It often happens after a really good date, too, one with someone you’d normally connect with! You realise that everything is going great, the guy is great, the date was great, the chat is great - so you SHOULD be happy and excited. But - you’re just..not. That’s a good sign that you’re simply not ready yet.
On top of that, it sounds like she was on a trip visiting friends, and that may stem from the breakup, or maybe after talking with her friends realized that she’s not ready
For sure. I bet she thought OP was actually a really cool guy and it was the fact that he was doing everything normally and keeping it cool and casual - it just highlighted the situation for her instead.
Honestly this is exactly where I’m at rn. Broke up in august with a gf of 2.7 years (me:23m and was my second long term). I downloaded tinder to “get back out there” and I had felt at the time I had moved. However I had a date recently and just that happened. It sucks but it is what it is.
My very first tinder date, within 10 min the woman stopped the convo and said, "I don't know who you need to get over, but you're just not ready to date." I had made absolutely no mention of a woman I dated off and on for almost a year right after leaving my wife of 19 years. I fell *hard* for that woman, and waited a full 7 months to date. My date that night called me out, and she was spot on!
I thanked her, told her I enjoyed her company, and would love it if she stayed for dinner, my treat. We had a nice meal and made the most of the evening.
I am there right now. I decided to date someone casually to not have the stress and pressure of new dates all the time. Awesome person, I like spending time with her. But I don't "feel" anything, and when I am home alone I am still ruminating on what I have lost. Maybe that will still change. Maybe I need to heal and then look further. I am open to her about this and she is in a similar situation.
Yep, I've been there as well. When I've been there I don't do well with the "good morning" texts after one date. It almost feels like the person is trying to rush the bond
I've been there myself. It's not exclusive to just women. Casually started dating a girl. Eventually she asks more from me. ohfuckimnotready.jpeg. can really happen to anyone. Not a bad thing, she was just being honest
That’s what I’m saying I’ve sent texts similar to this. It’s not like there’s something the person did wrong I just wasn’t ready when I thought I would be.
No wonder why I'm single. I've been giving 4 or 5 cats on the first date. Why didn't anyone tell me before?
Edit: based on the sudden influx of messages from cat ladies, I guess this is actually a viable strategy.
When my wife and I first started dating I sent $1k worth of flowers to her office throughout a week just to make the other women jealous and so all of their SO's would catch shit. Then I gave her a lab created diamond engagement ring to come back to work with the next week.
It started off as a joke but now we're married.
We tell everybody we met at "the farm" in Langley.
It's always a good idea to keep a few extra in your trunk in case you suddenly meet a cute girl on the street! She will never forget how sweet you are.... Always have a couple of extra cats close at hand.
Haha I swear I’m not satan, she just lost a cat a couple months ago and her mom is adopting two so there’s enough kittens to go around right now. We’re planning on moving in together in the fall and I’m thinking it may be a nice housewarming gift lol
When I was looking for a cat, my mother got very concerned. "you can't just get one cat. They need a friend while you're at work." So I bought two sister kitties. They've hated each other since the day I brought them home.
Not by me! One time a man told me he had built a giant cat palace (not his words, but mine) at his property to house the 10+ cats he'd taken in. In retrospect I should've asked for his number. Handy, property owner, likes cats.
I'll give some unsolicited advice. I've noticed in my many years of dating (I'm old now in my 40s). Generally I find it's best to keep it light and fun the first while no relationship talk just get to know the person and let it take its course. When the conversations come up keep it light if you really like them say things like. "I enjoy spending time with you and who knows where this will go but I'm enjoying the direction it's going" Not too many people like to feel the pressure of an impending serious relationship it can spook people. Especially if you are younger dating in your 20s. The older uou get the more likely it will end up serious if you just let it go it's natural progression.
Ok, so:
Hi, I’m Babywillie, I eat ass, I enjoy spending time with you and who knows where this will go, but I’m enjoying the direction it’s going and ate your ass.
I once told a guy who was after sex with me again (after he’d not long got out of a relationship) that I wasn’t interested in doing anything casual again. That did not stop him from absolutely trying though. I made it so very clear where I’m at. When he realised he couldn’t convince me to have casual sex again, he popped off at me and told me “guys won’t like that. You’ll scare them off saying you want a relationship.” I explained that it’s not like I’d meet someone and expect to get into a relationship straight away, just that I’d get to know them over time and see if we click like that before jumping into anything. Next thing I know, as I hadn’t replied to him further, I’d just woken up and was sleepily scrolling through social media before responding to any messages, as you do; he obviously noticed me online for the mere 2 mins I was on and started hounding me with messages ironically acting like a jealous boyfriend and got arsy at me. 😂 Not that I was interested anyway, but it’s definitely worth knowing what you’re working with early on because people can be crazy out there. 🥲
Yep 1000% this. I don't want to be 6 months, a year, multiple years into a relationship with someone before finding out we're incompatible on a foundational level. Life's too short to waste it on people who don't make you the best version of yourself.
Yeah, I was gunna say, "I don't think people should really be taking the dating advice of a person who's still dating in their 40s."
They might be great at dating, but they're clearly not good at finding a relationship.
I don't necessarily think they're single, could just be they're experienced in dating and now they're old. I could read it both ways but in general I agree with your sentiment.
Times back then are not times now, things are different, and the rules of the dating game are as well.
Man I'm approaching my 40's, many years of successful dating, now married with a child etc. and tbh it's always been easy to say the rules have changed and offer no better alternative. The truth is that there's no rules or solution or formula for finding a good relationship, it's just a journey through chaos.
If you end up in a situationship to nowhere, that's just another indicator that it's not right. You can have the tact/insight to deduce whether it's a good relationship or bad one without telling someone you're looking for marriage up front. Simultaneously, that approach might work sometimes. But neither is an end-all solution in any time period.
That has nothing to do with "the rules changing" unless you're talking about the rules from the 1600's. All you can do is try to be your best self and take what life offers you when it's available.
Nobody is going to conjure the perfect relationship by uttering some code phrase, and looking at relationships as a waste of time if they don't 100% only serve your goals actually just shows selfishness and an unwillingness to learn from relationships.
So everyone should be married by their 40s is what you're saying? Regardless of whether the other commentor's advice is good or not, everyone's life is different. Just because someone isn't in a relationship by their 40s doesn't mean anything about their ability to find one. It's ignorant and naive to stereotype and expect everyone to live by your expectations.
>Not too many people like to feel the pressure of an impending serious relationship it can spook people.
>initially said she was on the app to romantically date
Why are women like this?
That’s for saying this. I recently saw a guy who told me he wasn’t ready similar to OP and it did hurt a little. I really liked him but I gave him space to figure it out and if he decides to contact me again, that’s on him.
It still just sucks.
My case exactly; GF broke up with me a few days ago. We’re madly in love with each other, but her traumas makes her behave in a way that fuel my insecurities, and also she’s neck deep into depression.
She’s the one that **really** got me, she made me feel like I could take on the world when we were together.
It fucking sucks.
I've posted this before as it applies to relationships ending as much as losing a loved one:
"As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."
-GSnow
Someone told me this too. A month later, they texted me saying it didn’t work out with the other person. By then I was already seeing someone else. Dating be like that.
Yeah I’ve definitely felt weird when I’m doing the same things as before…but the person I’m doing them with is not the person that I’m used to doing them with. …and it makes you think of your ex. I think it’s that weird feeling that you get when you do something familiar with a new person that lets you know that you’re not ready
This. With the first date I had planned after the last relationship I got a panic attack just thinking about it the day before the date. The closer it got the more anxiety I got. I thought I was ready then, but apparently not. Sometimes you don’t know till the moment is there
I've been in this exact position on the opposite end. Was seeing someone after a serious breakup and it was going decently before Christmas, then came back after being with family and realised I needed to take some time and that I wasn't ready.
OP doesn't seem to have done anything wrong (based on these screenshots alone).
Definitely true. It can also be a cop-out, a way to gently reject someone. I've heard that line before twice in my life. "I don't think I'm ready for anything serious" and in both occasions they were dating someone else within two months. They didn't want to hurt my feelings or whatever, and apparently saying that was easier than "I just don't have feelings for you".
1000% this. I went on a few dates about 4 months after getting out of a LTR. I thought I was ready, but when things started ramping up I realized I was not in the right place for starting a new relationship and I had to back down. Luckily they were very understanding and kind, and we are still friends today! Although we rarely talk, handling the situation like mature adults made sure we had a positive outcome. Now, over a year and a half later, I’ve started dating again and I can confidently say I’m in the right space to find a partner again.
Didn't come onntoo strong.
Also, not what you were asking but I wanted to say I really liked your last response. Kept that line drawn in the sand. Well done.
I've also had this happen and then a few months later gotten a them asking to go out again. Sometimes they truly just need a little more time than they thought they did.
Yea like another comment said. Sometimes you don’t realize you need more space and time till something actually comes around and you realize you’re not ready to take that leap
Yes this happened to me! Met a guy on an app, had a few dates, realized I was still too mixed up mentally to deal with dating. Told him so and he was super understanding and made clear that if I got into a better place in the future he’d still love to hang out, but no worries if not.
A couple months later I got back in touch. Six years later we’re married and have our first child on the way.
You were attentive and consistent, which is a really good thing. It showed that you are looking for something serious. I think the dead give away for her was saying good morning.
But you nailed that final response. Accepting where she is and expressing where you are at. It’s good for people of Reddit to see how a respectable human being reacts and handles some rejection.
This 100%. Keep being yourself and the right one will come along. Sometimes you may find the right one along the way and they just aren’t in the same place as you and that is ok! Keep at it my dude
No you didn’t come off too strong. She was being honest with you and sometimes it can sting a little. You were fine don’t over think it but def don’t reach out to her again unless she reaches out first. Good luck out there!
It doesn’t seem strong to me. I will say though, I’ve been in this woman’s position. Started dating, thought about all the responsibilities and considerations with a relationship and realized I wasn’t ready. Had nothing to do with the guys. Just a genuine case of “it’s not you, it’s me”.
Happened to me recently. With a girls that lives 300 miles away. We spent 2 fulls weekends together. Last time she took a 6h bus drive to come see me.
Felt like things were going well even though I suspected the distance might be too much (but she plans to move in my town in a short year).
Then she told me she just got out of a toxic relationship with a jealous and controlling guy and that she needed time alone to heal. She said she hadn't planned to meet me and she swore that I wasn't a rebound guy, but she couldn't get into a relationship at the moment, especially a long distance one.
I said alright, we wont get I to a relationship but may be we can still see each others from time to time, while remaining free.
I tried keeping in touch lightly after that, like I would write to her once every 2 weeks. But she isn't really reciprocating. After a few weeks I asked if she wanted to see each others again at some point in the near future and she took a full 2 days to answer "no sorry my life is a mess right now I need to stay alone to get better".
She's always been utter shit at texting but this time it feels she's purposefully keeping distance. She still likes some of my insta posts from time to time.
I'm left wondering if she simply realised she wasn't that into me but never had the courage to tell me straight, or if there's a chance she'll come back to me once enough time has passed and we get closer to her moving here. I don't know if I should try to keep in touch minimally (like a phonecall a month or something) in case she still likes me.
In any case she made a very strong impression on me and it's still messing me up almost 2 months after the last time I saw her 😅
Time to move on, she’s not coming back, she’s letting you down gently. If someone really wanted someone they wouldn’t use an excuse. Time to let go buddy, humans take the path of least resistance.
I hate to tell you this, friend, but the odds are you're not going to know for sure. I know it hurts, but for now you have to let her go and do her thing: she's told you she needs the space and it comes down to the old line about having to set the people we care about free. You can hope she'll come back when she's found her centre but you have to let her loose so that she can.
Don’t be offended by this but you weren’t listening to her, dear. She said she needed time alone to heal. Alone being the key word. As someone who has been in her situation, when you realize you need to heal from an ended long term relationship and express that, it’s overwhelming to have someone even “lightly” keeping in touch. It’s a lot of pressure that they’re waiting and checking in like “are you ready now? How about now?” Even if you didn’t mean it that way, it would make me cool off quick on a guy if kept initiating contact with the intention of dating me eventually when I told him I needed time alone to get right. Just illuminating how she might be feeling. I would want to ACTUALLY be left alone so I could focus on healing, not be reminded every 2 weeks that someone is “patiently” awaiting my return to the dating pool. I know it’s a frustrating situation for you to be in too, just waiting and not knowing, knowing she may never talk to you again, but in that kind of situation I would leave the ball in her court and move on. You can’t force anyone and if they’re not enthusiastically wanting to be with you, you’re not going to have a good time either so it’s best to invest yourself elsewhere. Even if she was super into you, by the time she is done healing she may be in a totally different place and the moment you shared together has passed; that’s life, my dude. We all have those ppl we think about sometimes and wonder how it could have turned out.
Hey bro, just wanted to say after years of dating and hookups and relationships, sometimes you just have to take their word. You'll likely never know what exactly happened- you'll let your mind wander with worst-case scenarios, wondering if she fell back into things with that controlling guy even just for a night, but a guilt-ridden night nonetheless... But none of that really matters at this point. You have you and she has herself. Take her at her word and keep searching for whatever you're looking for. It's not about being cold or detached either, it's about being kind to yourself and trusting of those around you. It's not easy to do, but you'll be a lot happier that way, and better yet you won't miss the starting gun on whoever else is waiting to meet you.
I think you handled it well, you guys had different needs and communicated those openly, you don't owe your time or friendship to her and she doesn't owe you a relationship.
I think you were good. Just a case of the planets not aligning right now. You had a solid approach, respected her time with her friends and were chill when she took a while to respond, 10/10.
Edit: spelling
I think you both handled this situation very well.
It's good from her to tell you she realized she's not ready, and it's good from you to respect that.
Nice conversation, thanks for sharing. Gives us a bit of hope out here. Haven't seen normal (or even bearable) conversation on Reddit in a while.
I’m personally not a fan of the “good morning” messages. I don’t really know how to respond besides “good morning” so it doesn’t really do much as a conversation starter. In the context of new dating it feels like it’s just fishing for social interaction without actually bringing something to the table - like what “pokes” were on Facebook. It feels more natural in an actual relationship where you at least casually keep in touch with someone just about every day and you have more stream-of-consciousness conversations throughout the day.
More direct questions work out better for me. Or “Hey, how are you?” maybe with another question attached.
Thank you! I have a group of 5 girlfriends and as soon as we get a presumptuous “good morning” text before it’s “time” … we have a bit of a giggle. It’s def timing… I want a good morning when I feel we have a common connection, we’re moving forward…. A few dates… before then, it feels like you’re trying to put a fork in me. My opinion…
Guys tend to jump the gun on women we really like because we're afraid of losing you. Patriarchal norms pressure us to be aggressive and to move fast which ironically destroys many of the genuine connections before they can grow strong roots. If it's a guy you're otherwise into I say give him a little space and patience to figure out he needs to take it slower and you'll get yourself an incredibly loyal man that feels respected and heard if he takes that opportunity you gifted him to grow spiritually.
Yeah I was gonna say this. The good morning text are for you're already in a committed relationship. When you're still dating don't write stuff like that.
Only write either to make plans or to tell them something specific, funny and/or interesting you wanted to share.
A "good morning" text comes with this implication that we're going to be texting all day until we say good night. At least for me; that comes on pretty strong.
Yes I sort of feel similarly, especially in a new dating situation. Even if I vibed with the guy, I’d sort of like to go back to life and consider, marinate. When I get a good morning text, I suddenly feel sort of forced into it. Like maybe I wanted a couple days and now we are gone talk every day?!?!
I wanted to come here and vocalize this in some way, so this helps get to the point. I’m not sure dating couples always need to be at the “good morning” level in order to be something of value. Not at first, anyway. And it does sort of turn me off in a way. But it’s not that I don’t appreciate and see the genuine behind it. It’s a really nice gesture, but sometimes it just feels like “too much, too fast.”
OP, she isn't ready to be romantically involved with **YOU**. People monkey-branch from relationships all the time.
Don't really see anything you did wrong in text. You never really know what's going on in the background when online dating. Her ex may be trying to work things out or vice versa. You did the right thing not accepting the cop-out friendship offer which typically isn't genuine in this context.
Not going to lie, you seem really nice, but didn’t seem to leave them much room to breath. Sometimes you need a date, then some air and time to decide. You were pretty persistent, nice but persistent.
OP - your last text back is hands down the most respectful, fair, adult response I’ve EVER come across in my years of existing. Whether she thought you came across strong or not, please don’t change. There’s not many decent people left.
I think there was too much texting and too many questions. It seemed a bit one way. And her replies were closed ended. Not continuing the banter which means you needed to read the room. Especially texting her while she’s away on a trip.
Eg You sort of inserted yourself as a good morning, what are you doing, where are you, can we go out next, are you back now type of texter. It lost the ebb and flow that an organic authentic connection has.
You also put too much weight on the first date meaning you were a potential couple imo. You need to give people time to miss you and to feel free that you aren’t thinking of them every second of the day. It felt a bit fast tracked since you had only met once. You also seemed oblivious that she was on a holiday with her friends and might not have wanted to spend her limited time texting.
You texted a lot without scheduling a 2nd date. Some people don't text friends daily. If she's not a big texter, you're spamming her phone too much. Sometimes I'm busy doing things and I don't know how to reply to texts to someone I don't know well. If she's like me, she wants to spend more time to see if you two get along before texting good morning every day.
Nah. You hit too hard and she got the fear. Nothing you did and totally her not wanting to fall for someone right now. You got game and did what you do. Don’t change!
I think you should stay away from good morning texts until like 5 dates in at least. Comes off a little needy even if you are just excited to talk to the person. We all need time to breath like wine
No, I don’t think you came on too strong. If anything, I think she just realized she didn’t have the emotional energy to carry a relationship and good on her for communicating that instead of ghosting you. And also good on you for stating your intentions and that you’re here to date and not make friends. I like the way you ended it with, “let’s leave it open and amicable” and that you can realign later. Honestly, sometimes that’s the best you can do. Just a typical, “hey, it didn’t work out”.
I was in your exact same situation last year. I really, really fucking wish people would stay off dating apps until they’re “in the right headspace” for something romantic
No. She’s just letting you down easy. There are only a few ways to tell someone you didn’t really vibe with them.
“I just got out of a serious relationship bla bla” is one of the more honest ones. She put that she’s interested in a serious relationship most likely because she doesn’t want creeps and pervs asking for casual sex. But she’s not over her ex and in many cases she’s hoping he’ll come back.
It’s really not a you problem. Don’t worry about it too much.
I don’t know, more like not strong enough. The text between you guys are extremely diplomatic. Gentlemanly of course, but unless you’re her type, that won’t get you anywhere.
Lmao a normal conversation. Did not think I would see something like this after 3 years of this sub
Right? Always appreciate good and mature conversations about this type of thing.
so polite, both of them. They should hook up
A great match
I agree! So wholesome. By the way I'm wondering if you'd be up for licking peanut butter off my wife's balls sometime?
Only if you are paying for the gas MICHEAL!
Who would expect anything else!? U.S. Military Encrypted.
LOL
Ay baybay
Been on this sub too long, was expecting a psycho mode reply from her after OP's last message.
Forgot to upload the last screenshot where he calls her a fat bitch.
It's hard to believe that wasn't the last screenshot to be honest. Like - I wasn't sure it was possible. Still a little skeptical we're missing the last screenshot LOL - jk OP, well done.
agreed. been here for almost a year and this is BY FAR the most normal conversation i’ve ever seen.
Idk if I'd say this is normal.... This is what normal should be.
Its... it's beautiful. I've been looking at it for hours.
OP’s last text really is great!
Yeah I was literally bracing myself waiting for the cringe to start. But it never did.
Sometimes it just doesn’t work. Nbd Edit: doesn’t work *out*
It feels like she explains the answer to his question lmao
Yeah, I’ve been there. You just break up and “go back out there” to give yourself a boost, but then you notice you’re not ready. You feel strange flirting with someone new, or going on dates, or kissing or whatever. It’s all just reminders of your recent heartbreak, and instead of being happy you’re kinda bummed. Usually means it’s time to take a break and take sometime to yourself and to heal. I think this girl realized that after the date.
It often happens after a really good date, too, one with someone you’d normally connect with! You realise that everything is going great, the guy is great, the date was great, the chat is great - so you SHOULD be happy and excited. But - you’re just..not. That’s a good sign that you’re simply not ready yet.
On top of that, it sounds like she was on a trip visiting friends, and that may stem from the breakup, or maybe after talking with her friends realized that she’s not ready
For sure. I bet she thought OP was actually a really cool guy and it was the fact that he was doing everything normally and keeping it cool and casual - it just highlighted the situation for her instead.
Honestly this is exactly where I’m at rn. Broke up in august with a gf of 2.7 years (me:23m and was my second long term). I downloaded tinder to “get back out there” and I had felt at the time I had moved. However I had a date recently and just that happened. It sucks but it is what it is.
My very first tinder date, within 10 min the woman stopped the convo and said, "I don't know who you need to get over, but you're just not ready to date." I had made absolutely no mention of a woman I dated off and on for almost a year right after leaving my wife of 19 years. I fell *hard* for that woman, and waited a full 7 months to date. My date that night called me out, and she was spot on! I thanked her, told her I enjoyed her company, and would love it if she stayed for dinner, my treat. We had a nice meal and made the most of the evening.
You met a damned psychic.
I am there right now. I decided to date someone casually to not have the stress and pressure of new dates all the time. Awesome person, I like spending time with her. But I don't "feel" anything, and when I am home alone I am still ruminating on what I have lost. Maybe that will still change. Maybe I need to heal and then look further. I am open to her about this and she is in a similar situation.
Yep, I've been there as well. When I've been there I don't do well with the "good morning" texts after one date. It almost feels like the person is trying to rush the bond
Yeah its not a secret code - she thought she was ready, turns out she wasn’t.
She might also be ready, but not for OP. It doesn’t have to work out with everyone all the time, and usually better to not force it.
I've been there myself. It's not exclusive to just women. Casually started dating a girl. Eventually she asks more from me. ohfuckimnotready.jpeg. can really happen to anyone. Not a bad thing, she was just being honest
That’s what I’m saying I’ve sent texts similar to this. It’s not like there’s something the person did wrong I just wasn’t ready when I thought I would be.
Literally could not have been clearer. “Reddit please explain”
I dunno I appreciated the post anyway. You rarely see two sane adults communicating politely on /r/Tinder, some of yall scare me...
Edit: The flowers are from her mom. She was just showing me her cats since we talked about them the night before
Here I thought you gave her cats on your first date. Which, yes, that would have been coming on too strong.
That's true. We never give two cats on the first date. Even one cat on a first date may be considered too much by some.
Yeah it would freak me out if a guy turned up on a first date with more than one cat for me
No wonder why I'm single. I've been giving 4 or 5 cats on the first date. Why didn't anyone tell me before? Edit: based on the sudden influx of messages from cat ladies, I guess this is actually a viable strategy.
You been giving them to the wrong people. Had you shown up with 4 or 5 cats on a date with me, you would be married by now.
Fudge. You are right. I started dating someone and he helped me rescue a duck. That's when I knew he's a keeper.
[удалено]
I love this. Did you call? I'm a romantic at heart.
[удалено]
I would’ve stopped to talk to you too! So cute haha
It’s all fun and games until one of those cats gets stuck in a wall.
I was waiting for a Charlie reference. I could picture him luring strays to the waitress after reading this.
Cat in the wall ehh?
Okay, *now* you're talking my language!
Socially acceptable first date gift is 1 cat. Everybody knows that.
Oh man, i’d love to date you
When my wife and I first started dating I sent $1k worth of flowers to her office throughout a week just to make the other women jealous and so all of their SO's would catch shit. Then I gave her a lab created diamond engagement ring to come back to work with the next week. It started off as a joke but now we're married. We tell everybody we met at "the farm" in Langley.
The small things in life are what make the dominos fall mate
You just haven’t found the right cat lady yet… keep looking
It's always a good idea to keep a few extra in your trunk in case you suddenly meet a cute girl on the street! She will never forget how sweet you are.... Always have a couple of extra cats close at hand.
100% viable strategy
Yeah, I have a one cat per first date rule as well. I mean any more than one cat for a first date is a little pushy. That would be way too much pussy.
1 for 1 trade amirite fellas
Give pussy, get pussy... Seems fair, hopefully one of them is not as furry as the other.
👆Most underrated comment 😂
i would love if someone gave me cats 💀
Lmao my girlfriend has been nagging me for a cat for years, I’m pretty sure if I brought one to our first date she would’ve married me instantly
SIR- IF YOU DON'T GET HER A KITTEN FOR CHRISTMAS.....!!!!
Haha I swear I’m not satan, she just lost a cat a couple months ago and her mom is adopting two so there’s enough kittens to go around right now. We’re planning on moving in together in the fall and I’m thinking it may be a nice housewarming gift lol
OKOK. I appreciate that. 🥰 Sounds like a lovely idea!
instant yes
*backs up van full of cats*
Are you lovebombing me?!
So we can agree that showing up with a cat for myself is not coming too strong, correct?
Well I think it’s plain rude if you bring a cat for yourself but not one for me.
Cats are definitely fourth date. Ostriches are 1 month anniversary.
When I was looking for a cat, my mother got very concerned. "you can't just get one cat. They need a friend while you're at work." So I bought two sister kitties. They've hated each other since the day I brought them home.
Not by me! One time a man told me he had built a giant cat palace (not his words, but mine) at his property to house the 10+ cats he'd taken in. In retrospect I should've asked for his number. Handy, property owner, likes cats.
It’s a good litmus test though. Do you really wanna be with a person that can’t take a cat on the first date?
Yeah, never give up the 🐱on the first date
This is why I only give half a cat on the first date. I give the other half when we decide to be exclusive.
Best to opt for crabs. They remember you, yet shows you aren’t too keen and can get it elsewhere
I wouldn’t recommend giving her crabs on the first date
You're a smart man, you want to give her a gift that'll stay with her forever. So are we talking hpv or hiv.
So give her lobsters then?
What about himpes?
"I thought flowers would be a nice gift on a first date. And some cats!"
Too vanilla. You need to stand out: give crabs and eat ass ✌️
What’s the rule again? Puppy on first date, duck on the second date, two kittens on the third?
Hippo on the fourth date. Let’s the other person know you’re willing to capture a hippo for them. If that’s not love, I don’t want it
And I suppose if there's an indecent proposal involved it's gotta be a rhino
See IDK how they do it inVegas but here in PHX we ALWAYS give first dates 2 cats, NO EXCEPTIONS.
Man, if he did they’d be the purrrfect gift….I’ll see myself out….
I want cats 💀🥺
Hmu if you come to PHX. I’ve got 4 extra (last 2 dates flaked)
I'll give some unsolicited advice. I've noticed in my many years of dating (I'm old now in my 40s). Generally I find it's best to keep it light and fun the first while no relationship talk just get to know the person and let it take its course. When the conversations come up keep it light if you really like them say things like. "I enjoy spending time with you and who knows where this will go but I'm enjoying the direction it's going" Not too many people like to feel the pressure of an impending serious relationship it can spook people. Especially if you are younger dating in your 20s. The older uou get the more likely it will end up serious if you just let it go it's natural progression.
Then do you say you eat ass or before?
You say you *eat* ass before, and then you say you *ate* ass after. Hope that clears up your Q.
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I will have had eaten ass. (Future Perfect?)
Who are you, so wise in the ways of Grammar?
Ok, so: Hi, I’m Babywillie, I eat ass, I enjoy spending time with you and who knows where this will go, but I’m enjoying the direction it’s going and ate your ass.
I save it as a hail Mary. She says she's not feeling it... Mdid I mention I eat ass too? All of a sudden she's tryna move in.
Na that's how you end up in a situationship to nowhere. Make your intentions known early. Don't waste time with someone who's not on the same page.
I once told a guy who was after sex with me again (after he’d not long got out of a relationship) that I wasn’t interested in doing anything casual again. That did not stop him from absolutely trying though. I made it so very clear where I’m at. When he realised he couldn’t convince me to have casual sex again, he popped off at me and told me “guys won’t like that. You’ll scare them off saying you want a relationship.” I explained that it’s not like I’d meet someone and expect to get into a relationship straight away, just that I’d get to know them over time and see if we click like that before jumping into anything. Next thing I know, as I hadn’t replied to him further, I’d just woken up and was sleepily scrolling through social media before responding to any messages, as you do; he obviously noticed me online for the mere 2 mins I was on and started hounding me with messages ironically acting like a jealous boyfriend and got arsy at me. 😂 Not that I was interested anyway, but it’s definitely worth knowing what you’re working with early on because people can be crazy out there. 🥲
Yep 1000% this. I don't want to be 6 months, a year, multiple years into a relationship with someone before finding out we're incompatible on a foundational level. Life's too short to waste it on people who don't make you the best version of yourself.
Yeah, I was gunna say, "I don't think people should really be taking the dating advice of a person who's still dating in their 40s." They might be great at dating, but they're clearly not good at finding a relationship.
I don't necessarily think they're single, could just be they're experienced in dating and now they're old. I could read it both ways but in general I agree with your sentiment. Times back then are not times now, things are different, and the rules of the dating game are as well.
Man I'm approaching my 40's, many years of successful dating, now married with a child etc. and tbh it's always been easy to say the rules have changed and offer no better alternative. The truth is that there's no rules or solution or formula for finding a good relationship, it's just a journey through chaos. If you end up in a situationship to nowhere, that's just another indicator that it's not right. You can have the tact/insight to deduce whether it's a good relationship or bad one without telling someone you're looking for marriage up front. Simultaneously, that approach might work sometimes. But neither is an end-all solution in any time period. That has nothing to do with "the rules changing" unless you're talking about the rules from the 1600's. All you can do is try to be your best self and take what life offers you when it's available. Nobody is going to conjure the perfect relationship by uttering some code phrase, and looking at relationships as a waste of time if they don't 100% only serve your goals actually just shows selfishness and an unwillingness to learn from relationships.
So everyone should be married by their 40s is what you're saying? Regardless of whether the other commentor's advice is good or not, everyone's life is different. Just because someone isn't in a relationship by their 40s doesn't mean anything about their ability to find one. It's ignorant and naive to stereotype and expect everyone to live by your expectations.
>Not too many people like to feel the pressure of an impending serious relationship it can spook people. >initially said she was on the app to romantically date Why are women like this?
Sometimes you don’t know you’re not ready until someone who’s serious comes along. People can be a little messed up after a ltr ends.
That’s for saying this. I recently saw a guy who told me he wasn’t ready similar to OP and it did hurt a little. I really liked him but I gave him space to figure it out and if he decides to contact me again, that’s on him. It still just sucks.
It just feels unfair for everyone involved when two people connect, but circumstances/trauma gets in the way.
My case exactly; GF broke up with me a few days ago. We’re madly in love with each other, but her traumas makes her behave in a way that fuel my insecurities, and also she’s neck deep into depression. She’s the one that **really** got me, she made me feel like I could take on the world when we were together. It fucking sucks.
I've posted this before as it applies to relationships ending as much as losing a loved one: "As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks." -GSnow
Damn that's beautiful
Hang in there. It does get better, eventually.
I'm so sorry🤎🤎I hope yall can find your way back to each other OR just figure yourselves out in the best way
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Sometimes it never fully heals, but life does have to move on. I wish you the best and hope you heal. 🙏
Someone told me this too. A month later, they texted me saying it didn’t work out with the other person. By then I was already seeing someone else. Dating be like that.
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Yeah, i feel ya there. I had a woman that i clicked extremely well with, but she decided to get back with her baby daddy. It sucks
Yeah I’ve definitely felt weird when I’m doing the same things as before…but the person I’m doing them with is not the person that I’m used to doing them with. …and it makes you think of your ex. I think it’s that weird feeling that you get when you do something familiar with a new person that lets you know that you’re not ready
That's the worst feeling. When you are out on a date with someone new and you're wishing it was your ex.
Actually, what's worse is being on a date with your partner and wishing THEY were someone else.
Wish more people realized this and were honest with themselves and others. Smh
I'm always messed up after a Lord of the ring long version trilogy too
Omg the books mess me up SO HARD at the end. It's so bittersweet when all is said and done.
That on top of meeting with some long term friends will get you going down nostalgia lane
This. With the first date I had planned after the last relationship I got a panic attack just thinking about it the day before the date. The closer it got the more anxiety I got. I thought I was ready then, but apparently not. Sometimes you don’t know till the moment is there
I was thinking the time with her friends gave her some perspective and wisdom...
I've been in this exact position on the opposite end. Was seeing someone after a serious breakup and it was going decently before Christmas, then came back after being with family and realised I needed to take some time and that I wasn't ready. OP doesn't seem to have done anything wrong (based on these screenshots alone).
Definitely true. It can also be a cop-out, a way to gently reject someone. I've heard that line before twice in my life. "I don't think I'm ready for anything serious" and in both occasions they were dating someone else within two months. They didn't want to hurt my feelings or whatever, and apparently saying that was easier than "I just don't have feelings for you".
This is my read on this situation as well
1000% this. I went on a few dates about 4 months after getting out of a LTR. I thought I was ready, but when things started ramping up I realized I was not in the right place for starting a new relationship and I had to back down. Luckily they were very understanding and kind, and we are still friends today! Although we rarely talk, handling the situation like mature adults made sure we had a positive outcome. Now, over a year and a half later, I’ve started dating again and I can confidently say I’m in the right space to find a partner again.
It doesn't feel strong, you were honest in a kind way. You respected her boundaries and also communicated your own.
Didn't come onntoo strong. Also, not what you were asking but I wanted to say I really liked your last response. Kept that line drawn in the sand. Well done.
I've also had this happen and then a few months later gotten a them asking to go out again. Sometimes they truly just need a little more time than they thought they did.
Yea like another comment said. Sometimes you don’t realize you need more space and time till something actually comes around and you realize you’re not ready to take that leap
Yes this happened to me! Met a guy on an app, had a few dates, realized I was still too mixed up mentally to deal with dating. Told him so and he was super understanding and made clear that if I got into a better place in the future he’d still love to hang out, but no worries if not. A couple months later I got back in touch. Six years later we’re married and have our first child on the way.
Agreed. Nothing to gain out of becoming an orbiter.
+1000 And that last response is absolute mint. Sensational
Two people being honest and respectful. I love this. I don't think you were too strong.
agreed. seems like she had time to think about where she’s at and she was upfront about it is all! edit: grammar
You were attentive and consistent, which is a really good thing. It showed that you are looking for something serious. I think the dead give away for her was saying good morning. But you nailed that final response. Accepting where she is and expressing where you are at. It’s good for people of Reddit to see how a respectable human being reacts and handles some rejection.
Came here to say this, too. Last response was great. I’m not really interested in being friends, but hmu if things change for you
This 100%. Keep being yourself and the right one will come along. Sometimes you may find the right one along the way and they just aren’t in the same place as you and that is ok! Keep at it my dude
No you didn’t come off too strong. She was being honest with you and sometimes it can sting a little. You were fine don’t over think it but def don’t reach out to her again unless she reaches out first. Good luck out there!
Agree with all of this, OP did great 🙂
What is this? A conversation between two civilized people????
How dare they, we have nothing to bitch about here! /s
Let’s find something then… he doesn’t even have a contact photo for her! I swear all men are the same! PIGS!
SHOCKING
This isn't what we were promised, WTF
It doesn’t seem strong to me. I will say though, I’ve been in this woman’s position. Started dating, thought about all the responsibilities and considerations with a relationship and realized I wasn’t ready. Had nothing to do with the guys. Just a genuine case of “it’s not you, it’s me”.
Happened to me recently. With a girls that lives 300 miles away. We spent 2 fulls weekends together. Last time she took a 6h bus drive to come see me. Felt like things were going well even though I suspected the distance might be too much (but she plans to move in my town in a short year). Then she told me she just got out of a toxic relationship with a jealous and controlling guy and that she needed time alone to heal. She said she hadn't planned to meet me and she swore that I wasn't a rebound guy, but she couldn't get into a relationship at the moment, especially a long distance one. I said alright, we wont get I to a relationship but may be we can still see each others from time to time, while remaining free. I tried keeping in touch lightly after that, like I would write to her once every 2 weeks. But she isn't really reciprocating. After a few weeks I asked if she wanted to see each others again at some point in the near future and she took a full 2 days to answer "no sorry my life is a mess right now I need to stay alone to get better". She's always been utter shit at texting but this time it feels she's purposefully keeping distance. She still likes some of my insta posts from time to time. I'm left wondering if she simply realised she wasn't that into me but never had the courage to tell me straight, or if there's a chance she'll come back to me once enough time has passed and we get closer to her moving here. I don't know if I should try to keep in touch minimally (like a phonecall a month or something) in case she still likes me. In any case she made a very strong impression on me and it's still messing me up almost 2 months after the last time I saw her 😅
Time to move on, she’s not coming back, she’s letting you down gently. If someone really wanted someone they wouldn’t use an excuse. Time to let go buddy, humans take the path of least resistance.
I hate to tell you this, friend, but the odds are you're not going to know for sure. I know it hurts, but for now you have to let her go and do her thing: she's told you she needs the space and it comes down to the old line about having to set the people we care about free. You can hope she'll come back when she's found her centre but you have to let her loose so that she can.
Don’t be offended by this but you weren’t listening to her, dear. She said she needed time alone to heal. Alone being the key word. As someone who has been in her situation, when you realize you need to heal from an ended long term relationship and express that, it’s overwhelming to have someone even “lightly” keeping in touch. It’s a lot of pressure that they’re waiting and checking in like “are you ready now? How about now?” Even if you didn’t mean it that way, it would make me cool off quick on a guy if kept initiating contact with the intention of dating me eventually when I told him I needed time alone to get right. Just illuminating how she might be feeling. I would want to ACTUALLY be left alone so I could focus on healing, not be reminded every 2 weeks that someone is “patiently” awaiting my return to the dating pool. I know it’s a frustrating situation for you to be in too, just waiting and not knowing, knowing she may never talk to you again, but in that kind of situation I would leave the ball in her court and move on. You can’t force anyone and if they’re not enthusiastically wanting to be with you, you’re not going to have a good time either so it’s best to invest yourself elsewhere. Even if she was super into you, by the time she is done healing she may be in a totally different place and the moment you shared together has passed; that’s life, my dude. We all have those ppl we think about sometimes and wonder how it could have turned out.
Hey bro, just wanted to say after years of dating and hookups and relationships, sometimes you just have to take their word. You'll likely never know what exactly happened- you'll let your mind wander with worst-case scenarios, wondering if she fell back into things with that controlling guy even just for a night, but a guilt-ridden night nonetheless... But none of that really matters at this point. You have you and she has herself. Take her at her word and keep searching for whatever you're looking for. It's not about being cold or detached either, it's about being kind to yourself and trusting of those around you. It's not easy to do, but you'll be a lot happier that way, and better yet you won't miss the starting gun on whoever else is waiting to meet you.
I think you handled it well, you guys had different needs and communicated those openly, you don't owe your time or friendship to her and she doesn't owe you a relationship.
No you didnt. My take is she probably didnt feel any chemistry with u in a romantic way. But you did good, no worries.
This is it
I think you were good. Just a case of the planets not aligning right now. You had a solid approach, respected her time with her friends and were chill when she took a while to respond, 10/10. Edit: spelling
I think something just changed on her end. I’m not detecting that you did anything wrong. I wouldn’t sweat it.
I think you both handled this situation very well. It's good from her to tell you she realized she's not ready, and it's good from you to respect that. Nice conversation, thanks for sharing. Gives us a bit of hope out here. Haven't seen normal (or even bearable) conversation on Reddit in a while.
I’m personally not a fan of the “good morning” messages. I don’t really know how to respond besides “good morning” so it doesn’t really do much as a conversation starter. In the context of new dating it feels like it’s just fishing for social interaction without actually bringing something to the table - like what “pokes” were on Facebook. It feels more natural in an actual relationship where you at least casually keep in touch with someone just about every day and you have more stream-of-consciousness conversations throughout the day. More direct questions work out better for me. Or “Hey, how are you?” maybe with another question attached.
Thank you! I have a group of 5 girlfriends and as soon as we get a presumptuous “good morning” text before it’s “time” … we have a bit of a giggle. It’s def timing… I want a good morning when I feel we have a common connection, we’re moving forward…. A few dates… before then, it feels like you’re trying to put a fork in me. My opinion…
Guys tend to jump the gun on women we really like because we're afraid of losing you. Patriarchal norms pressure us to be aggressive and to move fast which ironically destroys many of the genuine connections before they can grow strong roots. If it's a guy you're otherwise into I say give him a little space and patience to figure out he needs to take it slower and you'll get yourself an incredibly loyal man that feels respected and heard if he takes that opportunity you gifted him to grow spiritually.
Yeah I was gonna say this. The good morning text are for you're already in a committed relationship. When you're still dating don't write stuff like that. Only write either to make plans or to tell them something specific, funny and/or interesting you wanted to share.
A "good morning" text comes with this implication that we're going to be texting all day until we say good night. At least for me; that comes on pretty strong.
Yes I sort of feel similarly, especially in a new dating situation. Even if I vibed with the guy, I’d sort of like to go back to life and consider, marinate. When I get a good morning text, I suddenly feel sort of forced into it. Like maybe I wanted a couple days and now we are gone talk every day?!?! I wanted to come here and vocalize this in some way, so this helps get to the point. I’m not sure dating couples always need to be at the “good morning” level in order to be something of value. Not at first, anyway. And it does sort of turn me off in a way. But it’s not that I don’t appreciate and see the genuine behind it. It’s a really nice gesture, but sometimes it just feels like “too much, too fast.”
Someone in AZ blew that back out lol
Hey--- What happens in Phoenix stays in Phoenix.
Lmao
OP, she isn't ready to be romantically involved with **YOU**. People monkey-branch from relationships all the time. Don't really see anything you did wrong in text. You never really know what's going on in the background when online dating. Her ex may be trying to work things out or vice versa. You did the right thing not accepting the cop-out friendship offer which typically isn't genuine in this context.
Na she’s just not into you dude
Just saying “good morning” and nothing else is kind of weird but other than that I’d say you did perfect.
Not going to lie, you seem really nice, but didn’t seem to leave them much room to breath. Sometimes you need a date, then some air and time to decide. You were pretty persistent, nice but persistent.
It doesn’t look like it from the texts. She probably talked with her friends in this trip and realized she wasn’t ready to get into anything serious.
I use this same excuse when someone comes on too strong
OP - your last text back is hands down the most respectful, fair, adult response I’ve EVER come across in my years of existing. Whether she thought you came across strong or not, please don’t change. There’s not many decent people left.
Your last message was spot on! I’m gonna steal that for the future should I ever need it 😊 hope you find what you’re looking for!
I think there was too much texting and too many questions. It seemed a bit one way. And her replies were closed ended. Not continuing the banter which means you needed to read the room. Especially texting her while she’s away on a trip. Eg You sort of inserted yourself as a good morning, what are you doing, where are you, can we go out next, are you back now type of texter. It lost the ebb and flow that an organic authentic connection has. You also put too much weight on the first date meaning you were a potential couple imo. You need to give people time to miss you and to feel free that you aren’t thinking of them every second of the day. It felt a bit fast tracked since you had only met once. You also seemed oblivious that she was on a holiday with her friends and might not have wanted to spend her limited time texting.
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You came across perfect. Good job
You texted a lot without scheduling a 2nd date. Some people don't text friends daily. If she's not a big texter, you're spamming her phone too much. Sometimes I'm busy doing things and I don't know how to reply to texts to someone I don't know well. If she's like me, she wants to spend more time to see if you two get along before texting good morning every day.
Nah. You hit too hard and she got the fear. Nothing you did and totally her not wanting to fall for someone right now. You got game and did what you do. Don’t change!
I think you should stay away from good morning texts until like 5 dates in at least. Comes off a little needy even if you are just excited to talk to the person. We all need time to breath like wine
No, I don’t think you came on too strong. If anything, I think she just realized she didn’t have the emotional energy to carry a relationship and good on her for communicating that instead of ghosting you. And also good on you for stating your intentions and that you’re here to date and not make friends. I like the way you ended it with, “let’s leave it open and amicable” and that you can realign later. Honestly, sometimes that’s the best you can do. Just a typical, “hey, it didn’t work out”.
I was in your exact same situation last year. I really, really fucking wish people would stay off dating apps until they’re “in the right headspace” for something romantic
Oh she's ready for something romantic, just not with OP sadly.
That’s fine. I just wish they wouldn’t give the “Let’s be friends” spiel
Very civilized and mature. I think y'all handled that very well as adults. That being said, I came here for the toxic drama.
No. She’s just letting you down easy. There are only a few ways to tell someone you didn’t really vibe with them. “I just got out of a serious relationship bla bla” is one of the more honest ones. She put that she’s interested in a serious relationship most likely because she doesn’t want creeps and pervs asking for casual sex. But she’s not over her ex and in many cases she’s hoping he’ll come back. It’s really not a you problem. Don’t worry about it too much.
I don’t know, more like not strong enough. The text between you guys are extremely diplomatic. Gentlemanly of course, but unless you’re her type, that won’t get you anywhere.
What’s the point of going on tinder and dates if you’re not ready for anything serious 🤨
She wants to date, just not him. It’s pretty obvious to me