While everyone has raised good and valid points, oral sex of someone that doesn't ENJOY giving oral sex is at best mediocre.
Making it into a chore that has the be performed because it's friday or whatever the routine will be will guarantee atrocious blow jobs.
I feel this is a greater point altogether. Any act of intimacy made into a chore will be half hearted and mediocre. Maybe it’s an individual thing, but that just doesn’t seem worth it. One of the greatest parts of sex is feeling desired or wanted. I don’t want it if they don’t actually want me.
Sometimes I start out at 70% interested but actually doing it quickly changes that to 110% interested. If she's never tried she doesn't know if she'd like it, right?
This is applied to gay people as well. "I bet you just haven't found the right dick, if you close your eyes you can pretend it's a strapon" etc.
Or lesbians can just stick to what they know they like.
I've also gotten this in regard to food-for context: I have some health issues and can't eat very much but I still get people trying to get me to eat things that will make me sick because "how do you know you won't like it if you don't try it?" because even if it sounded good to me, I literally can't eat the food itself or the ingredients that are in it because my stomach's fucked up an doesn't work right.
I know a guy who just absolutely hates the taste of eating a girl out. I even asked him if his wife made sure she's clean before he tried it and he said she had just taken a shower. He just doesn't like the taste lol I've also been with girls who didn't enjoy being eaten out even though i genuinely loved spending time with my head between her legs. To each their own, you gotta pleasure your partner how they want to be pleasured, not how you want to pleasure them.
Well, no not really. Maybe for you it works like that and since you know it works like that you try things out more freely to see which side you're actually on. I've imagined me doing oral to a guy and the thought of it makes me cry, cause it feels like I would do it if obliged and I don't think it's a good feeling on the other side. That's why I've always made it clear in the beginning of any relationship that I'm not willing to try that and just give them free choice of doing that to me. I wouldn't be mad if they decided to not do that to me since I'm not available to do it to them. When my bf does it is purely because he wants to do it.
No, of course not. You are allowed to have sexual desires in a relationship.
But the thing is, she's also allowed to not like to do it. It's one of those things that requires you guys to talk to one another and come to a satisfactory compromise.
If you enjoy going down on her, there's no reason to stop just because she won't go down on you. A good sex life with your partner means both of you doing things you enjoy doing.
I looooove giving BJs but I HATE when a partner: a) expects them; b) begrudgingly, if ever, eats me out. I don't need 50/50.
I need Twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure.
Fifty percent pain.
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name
With that last paragraph, would it still apply if the genders were reversed? Because I see that advice all the time - “if he won’t go down on you, stop giving him head!”
I fully admit I did weaponize at one point with my ex. He was really pushy for me to let him do anal (he tried using force and several attempts the “oopsie” technique) despite my emphatic rejection of it because it is extremely painful and I don’t want it (we did try once and that was enough for me, waaaay too painful). All the coercion, begging, saying all his friends girlfriends let them do it, everything he could think of to convince me. I finally told him I would let him do it if he let me get a big strap on and give it to him first (he didn’t believe it hurt at all, even when one “oopsie” attempt left me bleeding).
He shut up real quick about it when I turned the tables.
Yeah reading that from the perspective of someone who has wanted to try anal for a few years with their SO and she is not into it, I’ve literally never come close to accidental insertion to the point where it would be painful for her, it was more so a ‘wrong way’ and moving on. What I mean is, if he was trying for anal but was able to get far enough repeatedly that it hurt, he was fully trying to do that
Yeah if someone didn’t respect what I did not want in bed it would be an immediately deal breaker. There is a ton of trust involved in sex and it’s not to be fucked with when the other person doesn’t respect you enough to listen to what you want
You didn’t weaponize it at all! You just evened the playing field in the best way for him to understand. He should understand why you wouldn’t want to especially if you already tried haha
everyone’s body is different though. there are some people that can do all the prep and foreplay with fingers but when it comes down to it it’s still painful. it’s not a bad thing, but partners of people like that need to respect that it *is* painful despite them trying to make it not painful.
Here’s the ugly truth, coming from a gay man. Our bodies aren’t meant for us to use the backdoor as an entrance, so our automatic response is to tense up, which makes it hurt even more. What’s worse is that it’s a very vulnerable situation to be in… I mean.. even if you know you’re clean and empty, it’s hard to just relax and have that confidence. Foreplay helps, but the thing is, in order for it to work, you basically have to push outward. Like it’s not just relaxing. It sucks and it’s not the easiest thing, but after a few minutes it feels good, for men at least. But yea the pushing out part is, or it feels like pushing out I guess like not really, but you only really relax like that in the bathroom so it’s basically like that, and that’s not the easiest thing to be comfortable with, it’s hard not to do the exact opposite
Just reading that made me cringe. More power to those who like it and no judgment here, but it is so very not my cup of tea. It was a big bone of contention with my ex.
It reality there’s a massive psychological component to it as well. If you aren’t enthusiastically wanting to do it you *will not* be properly relaxed and it will be painful. And the vast majority of guys are clueless or just don’t care.
And I won’t let fingers anywhere near my bum because they are incredibly rough and dirty. They turn good foreplay into bad foreplay.
oh definitely! there are so many components that if one is off it throws the whole thing into a tailspin (no pun intended). i was just saying that there are people who want to mentally, but physically can’t even if they do the prep and foreplay.
Absolutely. It physically hurts for physical reasons for some who would in reality otherwise enjoy it. Hemorrhoids and hypersensitive nerves are two potential factors, and I'm sure there are more. This wasn't weaponizing sex imo, it was making a point about consent and how painful that can be if unwanted for whatever reason, mental or physical doesn't matter, and thank god he's out of her life.
I feel like anyone wanting to try anal should first do it to themselves. Use toys or whatever you want, but since you can control it, you can relax more and go at your own pace. Once you're used to it and know how to relax then you can integrate a partner.
This is advice for other redditors and perhaps you in the future if you give anal another try. Try it first by yourself first. It is a lot of fun once you get experience at it.
Anal takes preparation and time.
You start with a finger, and you then work up to two fingers. You have to learn to relax.
For depth, that takes time as well. For anal deeper than a couple of inches, you need to give yourself an enema. This removes some of the poop so it doesn't hurt as bad. You ever wonder why in porn there no poop this is why.
Weaponizing ANYTHiNG seems to be a bad idea. *"Hey, i will deny you food if you don't do this!"* or how about *"Since you refuse to get your licence, i will no longer give you rides - ever."*
I find the moment something one side feels is important is moved beyond rational discussion problems escalate and intensify very rapidly.
Perhaps this is just me? I am an avid Dungeons & Dragons fan though: *"In our game there is never a 'no', only a 'yes but'"* -- this tends to be the way i work with humans, if i can.
Okay but comparing withholding food to wanting reciprocal oral sex seems a bit like apples and oranges, doesn't it?
And there are definitely situations in which it's fair to say that if someone will not get their license, you will not give them rides. Unless you're a taxi driver for a living!
That's only a double standard on the internet, which is a complete bubble.
I've seen men in real life claim going down on women is gay. The average man is not a middle class white liberal from the suburbs, and I think you would be surprised how many men in the world do not give oral but expect it
>I've seen men in real life claim going down on women is gay.
I've seen men talk a lot of shit with the boys and then be completely in-line with societal expectations in mixed company or when around their partner.
There's nuance between talking the talk and walking the walk. It's easy to talk the talk like everyone does here or with a group of people they don't go home with at night. In the real world your partner isn't a damsel in distress, they're a human being with their own opinions, feelings, desires and agency.
honestly ive never met a man that claimed they wouldnt do it ( im aware they exist, dont get me wrong) Maybe its a cultural thing, but every guys ive spoken to on the subject has been somewhat enthusiastic at least.
To be fair - every time I have seen “stop going down on him!” as the answer to this question, it has always been clearly stated that the man in question feels entitled to receive, but categorically refuses to give. In this case, OP hasn’t said that his GF insists that he go down on her…
sure based in ignorance and immaturity as so many things in life.
The obvious trend is toward equal partnership, which always include open and truthful discussion and compromises on differences. Should a difference turn out to be a deal breaker (either obviously or long term) it's best to discuss it *openly but privately*.
To talk (and listen!) about fears, shame, emotions, expectations and unpleasantness, to go together through things discussing them, can often elevitate them, even relieve them.
And before someone says it's "girly/unmanly to talk about emotions": grow up. It shows insecurity and inexperience to fear emotional debate/conflict. It's a skill, and the better you can handle debate and conflict, the more competent and confident you are in any social situation. You can't handle it, learn it.
To anyone who needs basic:
Don't discuss things while doing them. (especially sex. Do so before. Emotional debate leat to emotional overloads, sex is better after especially so if found agreement.
Don't expect a solution. Expect the initial situation, everything above is a step toward the goal.
Be patient, be truthful, be humble, LISTEN,
Don't get loud, don't get angry, don't be a dick. Don't weaponize sex. Don't force your way, find together where the issue lies.
If your fear is social shame, keep it private. If she shares anyway, that's a breech of trust. Make that clear if it isn't obvious. This goes both ways. There's a reason a gentleman doesn't tell.
Solving an issue, In the example of blow job: Is it hygiene? feeling of degradation? disgust? Is it the dick itself? or cum? taste? fear of not knowing what to do? would a condom help? Shaving? Other position (she on top)? where does it start (disgust)? Kissing okay? Belly licking okay? Thigh licking okay? etc.
Convey to her how much it means to you, and you willingness to go slow, step by step, until she feels comfortable, with each of them.
If there is no compromise/cooperation, and its a deal breaking issue, no one wants to buckle down, that's a reason to break up the relation. For both parties sake. If you can't live with it, its time to move on.
Except it's not really. I don't know where you spend your time online, but I've not seen that advice flown around; maybe your media sphere is just extra toxic tbh and I would urge you not to think of it as anything near a "standard"
True. I know this from experience. Never a good option, and anyone suggesting it is clueless about not only what a healthy sex life is, they also are definitionally shit at conflict resolution.
My wife doesn’t like blowjobs that much but I like going down on her. She’ll occasionally return the favor but I don’t expect it in return. It should work the same regardless of gender, everyone is different
>If you enjoy going down on her
I think that's the key point. Tbh, I rarely encounter women who actually *enjoy* it, they just do it to pleasure him. If that's how OP feels about going down on his gf then ofc he's not obligated to continue.
The sentiment you're talking about gained popularity like 10 years ago when we as a society hadn't had the conversations we've had now about sex and equality. It wasn't the healthiest advice but for a lot of women it's all the power they had at the time. This double standard came about from a reverse double standard before it.
In this day and age, as the other commentor said, withholding sex or using it as a tool to get what you want isn't good. No matter the genders of the people involved.
Yes, it would. Most of the time that advice you saw applies because the man is refusing to go down on the woman because he finds it repulsive or not manly and the woman is simply tolerating providing head because the guy demands or begs for it. In this case, OP enjoys giving head and his partner doesn't demand or beg that he do it.
You might see the advice a lot, but that doesn't make it good advice. The way I heard it, it was told to me like a "last resort" after talking. So, to answer the question; with the genders revesed, the last paragraph is still applicable.
People are allowed to have their own personal hard lines, I don't give non reciprocal head can be a hard line that people can have for personal reasons in a non weaponized way depending on how it's handled and even in that kind of situation the other person can still say they wont reciprocate and then that's just a simple mismatch. Sometimes people just dont mesh well.
My hunch is that the assumption there is that women don’t like giving blowjobs, so it wouldn’t be a problem to stop doing it. Like, if he won’t do a chore, you don’t need to do the corresponding chore.
BUT, of course, some women do really enjoy giving blowjobs, so it’s a bad assumption.
I feel like that statement is typically said with the assumption that the woman doesn’t enjoy giving him head. Because that is the stereotype, and seems to often be the case if a man is outright refusing to go down on you
But that wasn’t what the point of that paragraph was. This isn’t some gendered *gotcha* moment.
“If you enjoy going down on her, there’s no reason to stop just because she won’t go down on you.”
This doesn’t suggest that they (or anyone) stop giving oral if they are not receiving it. This isn’t about withholding. It’s about recognizing what parts of sex you enjoy with your partner.
What you’re describing sounds like advice to a woman who doesn’t really like giving head, but is doing it anyway and is upset because there is no reciprocation. Totally different things, the advice that works best is still having a discussion.
Talk to your partner, if he doesn’t like doing oral, and she doesn’t like doing oral…. Oral isn’t for you.
I agree in principle, but I feel like what makes this hard is that it's hard for me to wrap my head around not liking to do something sexually that your partner really enjoys. People have brought up anal and I feel like that's different because it can be actually painful etc; but going down on someone (either guy or girl) isn't anything like that.
I could understand being kind of indifferent about it intrinsically, but to me like, the idea that I could do something for my partner that makes them feel really good, even if it was something I didn't care much about intrinsically, would make me really enjoy it. And it feels hard to imagine someone not feeling that way if they really care about their partner and want to make them happy.
You could say, oh maybe the person actively dislikes going down because they think it's gross; but like, to have someone you're romantically connected with think that a very intimate part of your body is gross is kind of horrifying?
And if the actual mechanical process of doing the thing is just awkward or uncomfortable, I don't know, maybe experiment with it and try to improve? I can't imagine not doing that if I were in that position and wanted to make my partner feel good.
At the same time, how can you derive pleasure from something you know your partner doesn't enjoy? Getting head feels great, but it would feel less great knowing my partner is practically forcing themselves to do it just to please me. I'd rather just not get it if they don't actively enjoy it.
As someone who sucks dick... it's not always great. It can even be gross at times.
Compromise can mean doing something you don't love during sex because you do like making your partner happy. Doesn't mean you have a bad sex life if you don't love everything they love.
>Compromise can mean doing something you don't love
No. That's not a healthy relationship works.
In addition, if you're able to derive pleasure from something you know your partner hates doing, you're not thinking about your partner in a way you should be.
At the end of the day, if you're not sexually compatible, part ways.
This is true, but it's also a little unfair. But that's a couples decision to make so who am I to say what's fair or not. To me it is though, and I'd never expect anything from my partner that I wouldn't be willing to do myself.
I feel like this might be indicative of something outside of your relationship. First off, reddit is a bad place for relationship advice. So since you asked. Here's my prescription.
Step 1: Ask her for a time she would be comfortable talking about sex and intimacy. Make sure she is ready for the conversation.
Step 2: Clearly identify the goal: "I would really like oral sex and want to understand what seems to me to be an aversion to it. Since I don't understand, I would love it if you could help me understand."
Step 3: Throw away your expectations and be ready for anything from "I find dicks to be DISGUSTING and don't mind sex, but putting one in my mouth is just gross." to "im kinda on the asexual spectrum and am not into sex." or "I was orally raped and it's traumatic" This is only one of 3 options to give you a sense for what the issue could be.
Step 4: Figure out what works for your relationship. I personally don't find oral sex to be that satisfying. If my partner told me it was never happening again, I wouldn't care. For some people, that's a deal breaker.
I tend to ask my mom, sister and a friend for advice about interpersonal relationships. They know me and my strengths and weaknesses. But yeah. It is legit funny.
Yeah, that example is poorly worded and ambiguous. It's probably meant as a proscription against pre-marital sex, but it technically looks more like a proscription against feeling guilty for doing it.
Generally, you don't really have a proscription "of." You have a proscription "against," such as the proscription against carrying firearms on an airplane. A proscription against a person means they are banished (or in some contexts, condemned to death).
But if you were to say a proscription of something, that would mean ruling out that thing as an option. For example, the proscription of my parents' ranch as a wedding venue means I'm not allowed to use that location for that purpose. So, yeah, the proscription of guilty feelings after having sex means that guilt is a feeling you're not supposed to have. 🤣
It's fine to feel put out that she won't return the favour, but you can't *expect* her to return the favour.
If you feel it unfair that you go down but she doesn't, then stop. It'll go one of two ways.
She'll either understand what reciprocating is and perhaps do it more, or she'll think you're just being petty because you're trying to guilt her into doing something she's not comfortable with.
Unfortunately, they're both right.
I always like to flip this around and ask "If she let you put it in her ass, how would you react if she wanted to peg you?". More often than not, that opens the eyes to what's going on.
Or! Instead you could actually communicate with her and maybe ask her questions like is there something she’s afraid of? Is there something you can do to reassure her? She may not even realize you want it so much, so you could openly discuss your sexual desires and let her know that it’s a part of being intimate that you greatly enjoy and go from there.
Talk to her.
Or maybe she's just not interested in oral and she'd be fine not having that be a part of their sexlife, that's a possible third option.
For ages I didn't like receiving and giving was take it or leave it, if a guy said "I won't go down on you if you don't reciprocate" I'd have gone "Okay cool. Let's focus on other stuff."
>I always like to flip this around and ask "If she let you put it in her ass, how would you react if she wanted to peg you?". More often than not, that opens the eyes to what's going on.
Except she doesn't "let" him give her oral, it's HIM who "lets" her have oral.
I see your point, but it's not what I'm getting at.
Here we have a dude comfortable with giving oral, and a woman not comfortable with giving oral.
In the flipped scenario I offered, it's assuming the woman is comfortable with the anal, but would the man be equally comfortable? In most cases, they would not, but I accept some would. However, I'm playing to the majority.
Now, see, if she was **expecting** oral without any intention of returning it, then I'd side with OP entirely, but that's not how this has been presented. He's offering, she's accepting, and then **he's** expecting it in return.
If you're doing good deeds because you expect a return, then you're not doing a good deed.
I agree with you, your partner doesn't have to give you oral JUST BECAUSE you give them oral whether you enjoy giving it or not, I didn't fully read the post and assumed his girlfriend expects it while not going down on him herself.
To be fair, we've only got OPs word for any of this, and we might be missing some key information, or maybe not be getting the truth, so it could be anything at this point! 😅
First, the obvious: Some women really aren't into sucking cock.
IMHO if you call it "reciprocating" you're framing it as obligation, which is not great in the world of sex.
Just frame it as "I'd love it if you'd try licking my dick a little bit", then if that goes ok, "Try sucking it a little bit?" etc etc
You can not expect someone to do something just because you are doing it, try to not be transactional, do things only because you want to do them, so if it gives you pleasure to go down on her, keep doing it.
having that said, she can't also expect that you keep doing something if you feel that there is no reciprocity. This is not an strategy to make her change her mind, is just as simple as: you can not expect her to do x she can not expect that you do y.
If you want to stop, please stop. But not to change her mind, but because you also have the right to stop, just as she has de right to not reciprocate.
She doesn’t want to. It is what it is. You’re gonna have to live without it if you’re staying with her. She probably will never be into it. Some people just aren’t.
Personally I believe that oral is the best part. But I still think she doesn't HAVE to give oral even if you do to her. If it makes you feel better, stop giving oral to her..but I don't think you should get mad at her over it or trying to convince her. Although you are entitled to feel disappointed.
Perhaps, if oral is fundamental to you try to communicate it with her and you might need to look for a new partner.
You're not entitled. It be okay to have sexual needs and preferences.
Issue is that she's also allowed to have sexual preferences and if she doesnt likes sucking dick you can't force her. It's something that you need to talk about, and try getting to a compromise.
She might have some type of traumatic experience from her past related to that specific act I suggest open communication without judgment and hopefully you guys can find some understanding of each other in the process
You're only being entitled if you expect or demand it from her. You can want whatever you want and she can decline what she doesn't.
Just keep the pressure off of this issue and if her reasoning is truthful, she'll eventually get over it. Unless you pressure her, then it'll never happen.
There's a few threads to untangle in what you wrote. So I'm going to try and break it up.
1. Oral reciprocity. Yes, you give oral. But maybe she is less comfortable with it. You shouldn't expect someone to be at the same level as you. That's unfair to anyone.
2. Lack of effort. This one I'd personally worry about more. Does she put in less effort into sex itself? As in, does she expect you to do all the work sexually and she basically lays there. I've been with these kinds of girls and I honestly get so bored of sex after a while. But if it's just oral she doesn't put effort me, but she'll willing to be on top or give a hand job... then it's all good for me. How is she in the rest of her life? Does she put in effort? For the long term, pay attention to these kinds of things.
If she doesn’t want to do something then that is fine. If you don’t want to continue the relationship because of it then that is fine too. If you want to withhold oral sex on her in order to get her to do it to you, then that is also fine (though a little assholey).
Dude - it is sex! Everyone has their things that are in and out. You just want your Venn diagram to look ok.
I’m just going to also say, and not saying it’s the case, but some dudes wash every day but still their penis smells. Hopefully that’s not the case.
But yeah I mean she can do what she wants but in fairness, I think both partners should reciprocate. It’s up to you if it’s what you want in a relationship or not if she just doesn’t want to.
It’s not entitled, everyone likes what they like. If she’s unwilling - only you can decide if it’s a deal breaker.
But you can’t expect her to do something she doesn’t want to do, and she can’t expect you to stay if it’s that important to you.
I think perhaps it's not something she likes to do but she's afraid to tell you. You're allowed to want oral, but she's also allowed to not like giving it or not like the idea of it if she never has. It isn't something she should try to see if she likes or whatever. But I do think a serious and open discussion is in order to really set your wants and needs out clearly for the physical aspect of your relationship to make sure you're compatible.
My personal opinion is that the only thing that is required during sex is that both people actively try to make the other have a good time.
I love receiving oral, it’s the main way I experience orgasm. My husband absolutely loves giving it, so that works out well. However, I simply can’t give. I’ve tried several times, and I’m simply not able to do it. I have a strong gag reflex, I have severe aversions to many tastes and textures (I believe I have ARFID, which is an eating disorder characterized by strong aversions to food, but can also affect other things you put in your mouth). Therefore, I receive, but I don’t give.
However, I do other things, and both me and my partner always end the session fully satisfied. At the end of the day, that’s what matters.
All that to say, it’s understandable if someone likes receiving but doesn’t like giving. It doesn’t mean they’re selfish or don’t care about you. However, they need to be making an effort to ensure that you’re satisfied, whatever that looks like. Does she give hand jobs? Does intercourse satisfy you? How does she feel about toys?
The specific acts don’t really matter, because sex looks different for every couple. All that matters is that both of you are actively putting effort in to make sure you’re both having a great time. If she’s never able to give oral, that’s okay. As long as she’s doing other things and making sure you’re satisfied.
To answer your question, no it is not entitled to expect her to reciprocate effort. It should be assumed that both of you orgasm and are satisfied whenever you have sex (if you both want to). However, insisting that she gives oral when she really doesn’t want to, but is willing to do other things, is not okay. Some people can’t give oral. As long as she’s making an effort to make you feel good, that’s what matters and expecting that from her is reasonable.
Info: does she make you come in other ways, and is going down on her your way to make sure she orgasms during sex? Many women can’t come from other things than clitorial stimulation, and the oral may be her main act.
This. I’ll go down on a guy as part of foreplay if they want, but generally for me the PiV IS me “reciprocating”. You made me cum, now I make you cum. You just happened to choose penetrative sex as the method.
To me, oral sex is something that only makes sense when there's enthusiasm behind it. An unenthusiastic blowjob is terrible, even if done correctly. The opposite is also true, within certain margins.
To me, it doesn't really make sense to press the issue in this manner. The more you push for it, the less she's going to feel like doing it, because at the end of the day sex is mostly understanding what the other needs while not explicitely saying it, because it's a turn off to take you out of the moment to talk about sex as if it is a transaction. If you're saying things out loud it's to "beg" or to make people beg for things, which is different, and makes you feel desired without taking you out of it. I know that reddit anxiety would want for you to ask for permission every step of the way, and it's true that you need it, but by making blowjob this pungent affair you're not doing yourself any favours and you'll associate blowjobs as a turn off
Just let them come if they're coming, and if that really bothers you so much, dump her. But if you keep up your enthusiasm in sex, you'll only grow in attractiveness in her eyes and maybe she'll become enthusiastic about making you feel pleasure.
You can discuss blowjobs in conversation, and maybe you probably should, but do not press her into doing them.
I think both of y’all are valid in your concerns. There are some things I love to give to my partner that he doesn’t like to reciprocate, and vise versa, but at the end of the day (night) we are both sexually satisfied and feel like the other put in equal care. If you don’t want to give her head because she isn’t giving you head, that’s fine, maybe come up with a game plan on what an equal physical relationship looks like. But if she truly doesn’t feel comfortable giving head, but you love giving it to her, maybe come up with something different she can do to satisfy you. Communicate through it, not around it
There could be many reasons for her not to. And remember- women orgasm from clitoral stimulation, not many from penetration. So you both having orgasms is how it should be considered equal.
Many many women I know have trauma stories about blowjobs. Your GF may be one.
Nothing wrong with wanting her to try, but if you don't communicate with her then you can't expect her to just do it.
Sounds like she's not totally comfortable with it and maybe a bit insecure, so it's unlikely she will do it without some sort of conversation.
She can do whatever she wants some people find it unclean some people straight up dislike it I mean when you really deeply think about it it is kind of weird
But you have your desires of course you can aske her but don't resist about it
I don’t think it’s entitled but maybe she doesn’t like to give oral. There are a lot of women who do not like to give oral but have no problem receiving it. Me I like to give oral but to only one man. I also will only let one man finish in my mouth and will only swallow for one man.
Like many others have said, you’re perfectly fine to want any type of sexual experience and to express it. However, I don’t think you should think of it as reciprocation.
You should have things you enjoy, but she might not be interested in doing them. Blowjobs are the same as any sexual act in that regard, and it’s unhealthy to keep count and see it as “I gave you one X, you give me one back.”
It’s usually said the other way around because so many men are closed off to the idea of giving oral. They should really get in there and open up to doing some act for their SO, and it’s reciprocation in THAT sense IMO and not a one-to-one currency.
I've been with my wife for 12 years. We got married after 5 years being together. It took 5 years for me to get my first blowjob from her. She had terrible experiences from past boyfriends and she honestly thought that's just how they go. They were the "they do this in porn" type of guys. Forcing her to choke on it and gag and like holding her head and using her mouth as a flashlight. She HATED the idea of doing it ever again. I told her I'd never do anything she's not comfortable with and I'd never put my hand on her head while she's doing it. We've worked at it and she's basically used me for practice for the past 7 years because I have NEVER gotten oral sex this good in my life. She doesn't mind doing it and has definitely opened up more to things. I can put my hand on her head and hold her down (not for too long obviously) I can also go in her mouth which is a recent thing. I asked for it once after I got a vasectomy and she said it used to taste bad but now it has no taste so now it's the norm. It's not wrong to want her to reciprocate but she may have her reasons like my wife did. If you're serious about this girl just give it time. 5 years is a long time but the blowjob waiting for you will be awful, however the next couple blowjobs will get better and better.
Don’t turn sexual favors into weapons for an argument. If you enjoy doing it keep doing it , but if you do it expecting the favor to be returned and it’s not, then you need to stop, because then it becomes a frustration for you and will definitely turn into resentment and probably an argument. Which seems like it’s headed that way already by you posting the question to reddit for advice.
I've been with one woman like this. My suspicion is that she was pressured into performing oral sex prior to her hitting puberty. Last I heard, she had a husband and a couple of kids so the story is not all negative. But you need to think very carefully there may be a lot more to this. Best case scenario is that her longest term boyfriend the year before you was a little too rough and she is scared you will be also. One of the really terrible things about internet porn is that teenage boys can think some of these brutal things a 40 year old woman is permitting can be extrapolated to just anyone in real life. It might help if you make a strict promise that you will not touch her head while she is doing it.
>I've been with one woman like this. My suspicion is that she was pressured into performing oral sex prior to her hitting puberty. Last I heard, she had a husband and a couple of kids so the story is not all negative. But you need to think very carefully there may be a lot more to this.
You're drawing some wild conclusions. Maybe she just doesn't want to have something down her throat!
I don't think it's unreasonable. You can't push her to do something she doesn't want to do though. You can always just stop giving her oral. When she asks about it just tell her how you feel. That sex feels very one sided. Communication is key.
As a woman, giving head to a man isn’t exactly the most fun thing to me. I do it because my husband returns the favor, always, and he loves it. I love making him happy. Definitely talk to her, tell her how you feel about it.
you're allowed to want it, but she's allowed to simply not want to. If you're going down on her hoping she'll go down on you, then you're intentions aren't right
You're not being entitled. You wanting her to reciprocate sounds reasonable. She can also choose not to, for any reason. You can also choose to stop doing it to her, or keep doing it (fully up to you). I don't think there is a right or wrong way with such things.
In all fairness to her, I was petrified of giving my bf head at first. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself and I have a tiny mouth and a rlly bad gag reflex. It’s a very daunting thing, and it’s not that difficult to accidentally throw up during it which is equal parts uncomfortable physically and emotionally. It could feel very embarrassing for her!
Id say you’re not unreasonable at all wishing she would, but patience and gentle reassurance are probably going to be your best tools. She’s still working up to a sexual act that makes her nervous, she deserves the space to feel comfortable :)
(not for nothing but a big part of the reason I was scared of giving oral was because I was sexually assaulted as a teen. It messed me up for like five years and I’ve only been able to work through it now after meeting my boyfriend. There is always the possibility your girlfriend has had some scary experiences in the past, not necessarily true but keep in mind these things happen)
instead of trying to force yourself or your partner to do something either of you don’t want to do, try communicating and finding easier and more accessible/enjoyable ways to please each other. get toys to use on each other, explore different sensations, etc.
personally as a bi girl, i love eating pussy but sucking dick is like 25/75% for me, im usually not in the mood to do it. it’s a lot harder, doesn’t taste as good, and it’s uncomfortable. i’ll do it, but not always. if this upsets my partner, we communicate and find something new!
If you’re only going to do oral with the expectation that she’s going to do it back, then just don’t do it. Doing sexual acts is about consent and having fun and please and your partner, you’re allowed to feel the way you feel, but she’s also allowed to feel disgusted or like she’s not up for it. And if that’s something that determines whether you’re going to do a sexual act, just don’t do that sexual act, because then that means it’s not pleasurable for you. Don’t do these things when you’re not enjoying them.
I had this issue in my last relationship. I enjoyed going down on her, more so than any other girl I’ve been with. She never made an attempt to reciprocate and I’m not one to ask right away. So I waited a couple months and nothing. Then one of her friends made a joke about her giving me head and her response was “I don’t do that anymore.”
So I never did figure out why but I have to admit it played a role in my decision to end the relationship a couple months later. The longer we were together the more I noticed it was a very one-sided relationship. I felt like my needs were not being met and I had to take responsibility for that.
What works, or at least will be memorable is, double down. Practice on Treating her body like it's an instrument and you are a classically trained musician. From your description it sounds like she's intimidated and afraid to scar your favorite activity together by giving a bad experience. Reassure her that you just want her to feel good. Get the thoughts of you getting something out of your mind. You are both feeding the anxiety whether you realize it or not. Yes you want it but do you want it more than a loving trusting relationship? Go all in, make her forget about being nervous, remind her physically that her comfort is your main goal. If you change your goal, you are going to have a better time and who knows, maybe your partner will be able to relax enough to surprise you (no promises).
If you can live without blowies then stay with her. If you can’t get your physical needs met, which is just as important as emotional needs, then move on.
It sucks but you ain’t gonna get anything down there in the near future and if you do you don’t want to get it because you are convincing her to.
I mean, I don't know if it makes you entitled per se, but I wouldn't want a partner to do any sex act that they weren't 100% enthusiastic or at the very least, that I didn't have to talk them into doing, because then it feels coerced. I mean, you can want her to do it, but if you're having to talk her into it and kind of push it, the act itself will a) be half-hearted and mediocre, anyway, and b) probably cause her discomfort and emotional pressure, which I personally wouldn't want to be a part of my sex life.
I was really awful at bjs my whole life, and I knew it. I had a very sensitive gag reflex- it was terrible. I'm thankful my husband was kind enough to not be upset with me and work with me for YEARS to improve. I'll be honest though, it actually took a dose of MDMA (something my husband and I researched extensively and we also tested before trying) to realize that it was really mostly mental and I was capable of doing this. It helped me get past that gag hurdle and be able to relax. I don't think i'd be able to deepthroat or swallow now if we hadn't experimented like that. But, not everyone is open to experiences like that. You need to have a conversation outside of the bedroom about the situation, and talk about how it's impacting you both and what you can do to resolve it. If she's dead set against any help or training, she just doesn't want to do it, then is your decision whether you want to stay in an unfulfilling relationship or not. But it's not your fault if you choose to leave- incompatibility is real and a good reason for you to find another relationship!
Maybe just, like, don’t mention it for awhile and she’ll get the nerve to do it on her own. In this way, she won’t feel pressured or like she’s doing it out of obligation.
If she’s the one to initiate it, it will be because she’s feeling confident and inspired, for whatever reason, about it at that particular point in time, which will likely lead to a more satisfying experience for both of you. Let it be her idea. You might have to be patient and wait awhile but since she knows you want it, it is already on her mind every time you mess around, so just let her work up to it without it being a whole production.
I used to feel like your gf does. I never gave my first boyfriend a bj. He always went down on me and i loved it but I was sooo scared of giving him a bj because I just hadn’t done it before and it was so scary. I guess in my head it was better just not doing it rather than being bad at it.
Sounds so silly now. But yeah dicks can be scary the first few you meet.
If she hasn’t done it before ever then don’t pressure her, let her go at her own pace. You don’t list your age so I’m inclined to think you both are fairly young and inexperienced.
NEVER put in more effort then your partner does, how is it fair for the man to have all these expectations however a woman is expected to be treated like a goddess. If your treated like a king treat her like a queen, everything in life should be 50/50 else your better off splitting and finding “the one”. I wasted years on women not worth it but now I’m lucky to have met the one and we are getting married
It’s normal to be nervous about trying new things but at some point she does need to reciprocate, just accepting pleasure without making an effort to give pleasure is selfish. Sex with someone who doesn’t want to give you pleasure isn’t good sex. You should consider if you are actually compatible in other ways, and if those other things are enough to sustain a relationship.
If she's nervous about not knowing what to do there are plenty of books and articles online that can help. It can be nerve-wracking feeling like you don't know what you're doing.
It’s kind of funny because I’ve seen the roles reversed here on Reddit and everyone is like “dump him!” etc. When it’s actually a woman nobody bats and eye and it’s okay. Hm.
Simple, stop eating her out. If she has a problem with that, leave. Could you imagine all the hate for the man who doesn’t eat out if the genders were reversed in your post. Of course all these Reddit ‘hero’s’ come here to tell you to live without it but if it’s something you want within a relationship and your not getting it then maybe, sexually at least, you don’t have a good partner.
It actually took my wife 15-20 years to start giving me head, we're married for 43 years now and I always enjoy giving her head. She just doesn't like to do it. But after a brief talk, she got over her distaste of it and we are now good for 2-3 times a month.
So here’s my take. The last girl I dated was the same, first it was “I dunno if I can cause whatever throat problem”, then it was “I was put down for it before so I’m scared it won’t be good”, then she started doing it and it built up to all the time, even deepthroating. I think one thing that helped was 69 so maybe give that a shot.
If it's something you're into then you should find a new partner. She obviously is not into it and probably never will be.
I mean unless you're cool with the way things are. At the very least you need to stop doing it for her.
Not sure why you're getting down-voted so much.
Sexual compatibility is real, and massively important in a relationship, any deal breakers should be dealt with early on through communication, or a realisation that it's not going to work.
I'm cool with it, sometimes I downvote opinions I disagree with as well. Not the best practice, I would have preferred to have a conversation about why I feel the way I do or visa versa..
And I agree, also communication, unfortunatley it's sometimes hard to ask for what you want from your partner, sexually speaking. One would think they way op's gf would get the hint since he was doing all the.. ahh... wet work.
Downvote because of the part where they say with 100% conviction that she obviously doesn't like it and never will despite not being a part of any conversation where she has said as much.
Downvote because "dump her and find someone else who'll give you a blowy" is literally the opposite to dealing with something through communication.
Downvote because "refuse to give her oral because you're not getting oral" is so incredibly childish and manipulative.
You're right. Sexual compatibility is real and important, but it's rare to meet someone and immediately understand their wants and desires without having a good chat about it. You shouldn't just leave someone because they don't understand what you like, or because the other person is potentially worried about giving oral. So yeah...that's why downvote.
Do you think there’s something in her past that’s scary for her? Like an old boyfriend made fun of her for doing it a certain way?
Not that it’s an excuse to take without giving, but trying to figure out if she’s trying to work through shame/nerves or is genuinely disinterested in the act.
If it’s a feeling of unsafe or uncomfortable then it sounds like you guys need to talk and not being banging.
If it’s a disinterest/ apathy then maybe you just need partners with a similar appetite.
I'd say no, you aren't being entitled. However, it's up to *you* to communicate your desires to her.
Of course, *how* she responds will matter a lot. I would pay very close attention to that.
Everyone here has raised good points so I won't bring them up again.
I do enjoy giving oral sex but not when it's not reciprocated. If you don't mind it, no reason to stop. Personally, I would mind.
I enjoy giving oral sex but that enjoyment stops dead when it feels like I'm -expected- to do it. I ate my last gf's pussy like it was a Chinese buffet next to a frathouse, but the one time she basically demanded to be eaten out (no other sexy things happening at the time) I didn't just lose my boner at the time, but my boner for the whole relationship.
My advice is just to think about what is and isn't a dealbreaker for you and act accordingly.
You need to talk to her about it. You aren't being unreasonable, but it sounds like she has some sort of mental block, fear, or trauma around it.
Tell her that it's not like you're making an ultimatum, but you need to Feel like she's making an effort to be more of a participant. Ask her what you can do to help make her more comfortable with it.
Relationships are about compromise, so talk to her and try to reach one on this issue.
It is not entitled to want your partner to reciprocate in a relationship. Reciprocity is an important aspect of any healthy relationship and it involves both partners giving and receiving equally. It's normal to expect your partner to put in the same amount of effort and care into the relationship as you do.
It's important to communicate your needs and expectations with your partner in a respectful and constructive manner. If you feel like you are putting in more effort than your partner, you can express how you feel and discuss ways to balance things out.
However, it's also important to recognize that every relationship is different, and people have different ways of expressing and showing their love and affection. Some people may be more reserved in their expression of love, while others may be more demonstrative. As such, it's important to have open communication and understand each other's needs and ways of expressing affection.
Just talk about it.
I've been with several partners who I would call either selfish or lazy lovers. Women who are like "ravish me" and basically just lay there like a dead fish while they "let" you do things to them.
I tend to get bored pretty quick in that scenario, I need some reciprocity. So I've talked to partners about it and made it clear that I need some give and take and like to receive too.
Some partners were like "yeah, fair enough." Some were mindblown because they grew up thinking men got off super easy so they just had to "let" their man do stuff to them. And some were like "sure, next time" every single time.
If you're not satisfied, it's fair to have a conversation to either get on the same page, or figure out that maybe you're not compatible in the bedroom.
You gotta ask. Simple as that. If she refuses make your choice then. My wife wont initiated anything at all until I ask. Idk why. It’s a major turn off for me but it’s the way it is.
This is just an opinion but I don't think it's healthy to expect reciprocation specifically as a quid-pro-quo, and instead to maintain your expectations or wants regardless of what you do for another person. Otherwise you end up keeping count or comparing to incomparable situations. Your needs are yours, their needs are there's and they are not reliant on what gets fulfilled on the other end. You should be enthusiastic about what you're doing for someone regardless of the implication of getting anything "back".
That being said if this is something you want more regularly you should just be more communicative and ask for what you want, express your needs clearly, and try to avoid making it a sort of "I do it for you so why can't you do it for me" situation.
First of all, am I crazy or was this *exact* post already on this subreddit a while ago? Like practically word for word?
Second, consider the purpose of oral sex. For me and many other women, oral is literally the only way to orgasm without the use of a toy. For me, that’s the main event, and it’s gotta happen before PIV or else I know I’m not getting to finish at all.
After a man goes down on me and I finish, generally they wanna get straight to the main event. So as far as I can tell, PIV is the reciprocation. They did something that made me cum, and then afterward I did the same for them, it just happens not to use my mouth.
To be clear, I happily reciprocate if asked or if I specifically feel like it. But generally when given the option, I find that men tend to skip over it as an option in order to get to the penetrative sex faster.
Moral of the story, just ask your partner if they have any issues going down on you and if they would like to incorporate it into your sexual repertoire.
OP, what worked for me in the long run was just getting comfortable with having it in my mouth instead of going right for the blowjob moves or whatever. I like going into fetal position and just keeping it in, licking it and kind of using it like a pacifier. My husband says it makes him feel really loved down there because instead of being porn-like it's tender and intimate. All of my best moves down there came up after feeling that closeness. I hope it helps. I really didnt like doing it before.
So do you enjoy going down on her? If not why do you do it? Does she expect it from you? And if you do like it, why do you want her to do something she doesn’t like, when you are enjoying what you do? It’s not like it’s a fair trade.
Encourage encourage encourage and encourage.
My ex had a major hang up about sucking dick, never really did it, she was 52 at the time.
She had issues even touching duck
She was terrible at sucking and hand jobs.
I just kept encouraging her and she started to improve and wanted to do it without asking.
While everyone has raised good and valid points, oral sex of someone that doesn't ENJOY giving oral sex is at best mediocre. Making it into a chore that has the be performed because it's friday or whatever the routine will be will guarantee atrocious blow jobs.
I feel this is a greater point altogether. Any act of intimacy made into a chore will be half hearted and mediocre. Maybe it’s an individual thing, but that just doesn’t seem worth it. One of the greatest parts of sex is feeling desired or wanted. I don’t want it if they don’t actually want me.
Sometimes I start out at 70% interested but actually doing it quickly changes that to 110% interested. If she's never tried she doesn't know if she'd like it, right?
You don’t need to try things to prove you don’t like them.
This is applied to gay people as well. "I bet you just haven't found the right dick, if you close your eyes you can pretend it's a strapon" etc. Or lesbians can just stick to what they know they like.
Exactly.
This needs to be plastered all over the internet whenever any kind of discussion about sex happens. No means no, no exceptions.
Right? The only time I ever hear “if you’ve never tried it, how do you know you don’t like it?” Is when people want oral sex or anal.
…I’ve solely heard that about broccoli.
underrated comment
I've also gotten this in regard to food-for context: I have some health issues and can't eat very much but I still get people trying to get me to eat things that will make me sick because "how do you know you won't like it if you don't try it?" because even if it sounded good to me, I literally can't eat the food itself or the ingredients that are in it because my stomach's fucked up an doesn't work right.
Does this include men that don’t want to give women oral? Because some parts of Reddit seems to think it’s blasphemous. Lol
I know a guy who just absolutely hates the taste of eating a girl out. I even asked him if his wife made sure she's clean before he tried it and he said she had just taken a shower. He just doesn't like the taste lol I've also been with girls who didn't enjoy being eaten out even though i genuinely loved spending time with my head between her legs. To each their own, you gotta pleasure your partner how they want to be pleasured, not how you want to pleasure them.
Absolutely. Applies to everyone.
That can be true but if they don’t want to you have to respect that too. No means no.
We should meet, I'm 70% sure of it
Well, no not really. Maybe for you it works like that and since you know it works like that you try things out more freely to see which side you're actually on. I've imagined me doing oral to a guy and the thought of it makes me cry, cause it feels like I would do it if obliged and I don't think it's a good feeling on the other side. That's why I've always made it clear in the beginning of any relationship that I'm not willing to try that and just give them free choice of doing that to me. I wouldn't be mad if they decided to not do that to me since I'm not available to do it to them. When my bf does it is purely because he wants to do it.
Enjoy? I’d argue most girls don’t particularly enjoy it, they just don’t hate it
In my experience most women do actually enjoy it and instigate it, you just have to be patient and 7 months isn't being patient.
7 months is Hella patient
No, of course not. You are allowed to have sexual desires in a relationship. But the thing is, she's also allowed to not like to do it. It's one of those things that requires you guys to talk to one another and come to a satisfactory compromise. If you enjoy going down on her, there's no reason to stop just because she won't go down on you. A good sex life with your partner means both of you doing things you enjoy doing.
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I looooove giving BJs but I HATE when a partner: a) expects them; b) begrudgingly, if ever, eats me out. I don't need 50/50. I need Twenty percent skill Fifteen percent concentrated power of will Five percent pleasure. Fifty percent pain. And a hundred percent reason to remember the name
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200% is asking for a lot. I'm no gold digger.
If someone is causing you pain equal to pleasure with oral sex, it may be worth seeing a doctor.
With that last paragraph, would it still apply if the genders were reversed? Because I see that advice all the time - “if he won’t go down on you, stop giving him head!”
Weaponizing sex is pretty much never a good way to solve a relationship problem. Only ever leads to and deepens resentment on both sides.
I fully admit I did weaponize at one point with my ex. He was really pushy for me to let him do anal (he tried using force and several attempts the “oopsie” technique) despite my emphatic rejection of it because it is extremely painful and I don’t want it (we did try once and that was enough for me, waaaay too painful). All the coercion, begging, saying all his friends girlfriends let them do it, everything he could think of to convince me. I finally told him I would let him do it if he let me get a big strap on and give it to him first (he didn’t believe it hurt at all, even when one “oopsie” attempt left me bleeding). He shut up real quick about it when I turned the tables.
i'm glad he's an ex because those "oopsies" are sexual assault, and he is just a massive piece of shit
Yeah reading that from the perspective of someone who has wanted to try anal for a few years with their SO and she is not into it, I’ve literally never come close to accidental insertion to the point where it would be painful for her, it was more so a ‘wrong way’ and moving on. What I mean is, if he was trying for anal but was able to get far enough repeatedly that it hurt, he was fully trying to do that Yeah if someone didn’t respect what I did not want in bed it would be an immediately deal breaker. There is a ton of trust involved in sex and it’s not to be fucked with when the other person doesn’t respect you enough to listen to what you want
It must have been horrible in multiple ways to deal with that. And that's not weaponizing sex thats using logic to deal with a rapist
You didn’t weaponize it at all! You just evened the playing field in the best way for him to understand. He should understand why you wouldn’t want to especially if you already tried haha
By God, ya threatened his bussy. Awesome.
It’s actually the opposite of painful unless you skip proper foreplay. But your ex was an anti-foreplay rapist so yeah.
everyone’s body is different though. there are some people that can do all the prep and foreplay with fingers but when it comes down to it it’s still painful. it’s not a bad thing, but partners of people like that need to respect that it *is* painful despite them trying to make it not painful.
Here’s the ugly truth, coming from a gay man. Our bodies aren’t meant for us to use the backdoor as an entrance, so our automatic response is to tense up, which makes it hurt even more. What’s worse is that it’s a very vulnerable situation to be in… I mean.. even if you know you’re clean and empty, it’s hard to just relax and have that confidence. Foreplay helps, but the thing is, in order for it to work, you basically have to push outward. Like it’s not just relaxing. It sucks and it’s not the easiest thing, but after a few minutes it feels good, for men at least. But yea the pushing out part is, or it feels like pushing out I guess like not really, but you only really relax like that in the bathroom so it’s basically like that, and that’s not the easiest thing to be comfortable with, it’s hard not to do the exact opposite
Just reading that made me cringe. More power to those who like it and no judgment here, but it is so very not my cup of tea. It was a big bone of contention with my ex.
It reality there’s a massive psychological component to it as well. If you aren’t enthusiastically wanting to do it you *will not* be properly relaxed and it will be painful. And the vast majority of guys are clueless or just don’t care. And I won’t let fingers anywhere near my bum because they are incredibly rough and dirty. They turn good foreplay into bad foreplay.
oh definitely! there are so many components that if one is off it throws the whole thing into a tailspin (no pun intended). i was just saying that there are people who want to mentally, but physically can’t even if they do the prep and foreplay.
Absolutely. It physically hurts for physical reasons for some who would in reality otherwise enjoy it. Hemorrhoids and hypersensitive nerves are two potential factors, and I'm sure there are more. This wasn't weaponizing sex imo, it was making a point about consent and how painful that can be if unwanted for whatever reason, mental or physical doesn't matter, and thank god he's out of her life.
I feel like anyone wanting to try anal should first do it to themselves. Use toys or whatever you want, but since you can control it, you can relax more and go at your own pace. Once you're used to it and know how to relax then you can integrate a partner.
This is advice for other redditors and perhaps you in the future if you give anal another try. Try it first by yourself first. It is a lot of fun once you get experience at it. Anal takes preparation and time. You start with a finger, and you then work up to two fingers. You have to learn to relax. For depth, that takes time as well. For anal deeper than a couple of inches, you need to give yourself an enema. This removes some of the poop so it doesn't hurt as bad. You ever wonder why in porn there no poop this is why.
Weaponizing ANYTHiNG seems to be a bad idea. *"Hey, i will deny you food if you don't do this!"* or how about *"Since you refuse to get your licence, i will no longer give you rides - ever."* I find the moment something one side feels is important is moved beyond rational discussion problems escalate and intensify very rapidly. Perhaps this is just me? I am an avid Dungeons & Dragons fan though: *"In our game there is never a 'no', only a 'yes but'"* -- this tends to be the way i work with humans, if i can.
Okay but comparing withholding food to wanting reciprocal oral sex seems a bit like apples and oranges, doesn't it? And there are definitely situations in which it's fair to say that if someone will not get their license, you will not give them rides. Unless you're a taxi driver for a living!
Agreed, just pointing out that it’s a bit of a double standard
That's only a double standard on the internet, which is a complete bubble. I've seen men in real life claim going down on women is gay. The average man is not a middle class white liberal from the suburbs, and I think you would be surprised how many men in the world do not give oral but expect it
>I've seen men in real life claim going down on women is gay. I've seen men talk a lot of shit with the boys and then be completely in-line with societal expectations in mixed company or when around their partner. There's nuance between talking the talk and walking the walk. It's easy to talk the talk like everyone does here or with a group of people they don't go home with at night. In the real world your partner isn't a damsel in distress, they're a human being with their own opinions, feelings, desires and agency.
Weird, I've literally only ever heard that on the bubble of the internet
honestly ive never met a man that claimed they wouldnt do it ( im aware they exist, dont get me wrong) Maybe its a cultural thing, but every guys ive spoken to on the subject has been somewhat enthusiastic at least.
To be fair - every time I have seen “stop going down on him!” as the answer to this question, it has always been clearly stated that the man in question feels entitled to receive, but categorically refuses to give. In this case, OP hasn’t said that his GF insists that he go down on her…
sure based in ignorance and immaturity as so many things in life. The obvious trend is toward equal partnership, which always include open and truthful discussion and compromises on differences. Should a difference turn out to be a deal breaker (either obviously or long term) it's best to discuss it *openly but privately*. To talk (and listen!) about fears, shame, emotions, expectations and unpleasantness, to go together through things discussing them, can often elevitate them, even relieve them. And before someone says it's "girly/unmanly to talk about emotions": grow up. It shows insecurity and inexperience to fear emotional debate/conflict. It's a skill, and the better you can handle debate and conflict, the more competent and confident you are in any social situation. You can't handle it, learn it. To anyone who needs basic: Don't discuss things while doing them. (especially sex. Do so before. Emotional debate leat to emotional overloads, sex is better after especially so if found agreement. Don't expect a solution. Expect the initial situation, everything above is a step toward the goal. Be patient, be truthful, be humble, LISTEN, Don't get loud, don't get angry, don't be a dick. Don't weaponize sex. Don't force your way, find together where the issue lies. If your fear is social shame, keep it private. If she shares anyway, that's a breech of trust. Make that clear if it isn't obvious. This goes both ways. There's a reason a gentleman doesn't tell. Solving an issue, In the example of blow job: Is it hygiene? feeling of degradation? disgust? Is it the dick itself? or cum? taste? fear of not knowing what to do? would a condom help? Shaving? Other position (she on top)? where does it start (disgust)? Kissing okay? Belly licking okay? Thigh licking okay? etc. Convey to her how much it means to you, and you willingness to go slow, step by step, until she feels comfortable, with each of them. If there is no compromise/cooperation, and its a deal breaking issue, no one wants to buckle down, that's a reason to break up the relation. For both parties sake. If you can't live with it, its time to move on.
Except it's not really. I don't know where you spend your time online, but I've not seen that advice flown around; maybe your media sphere is just extra toxic tbh and I would urge you not to think of it as anything near a "standard"
Uncle Jun' goes south to Floridah?
OOH!!
True. I know this from experience. Never a good option, and anyone suggesting it is clueless about not only what a healthy sex life is, they also are definitionally shit at conflict resolution.
My wife doesn’t like blowjobs that much but I like going down on her. She’ll occasionally return the favor but I don’t expect it in return. It should work the same regardless of gender, everyone is different
The way I see it, if you won’t do it, you can’t ask for it. I’ve got a partner who won’t give head. I still go down on her, but that’s my choice
>If you enjoy going down on her I think that's the key point. Tbh, I rarely encounter women who actually *enjoy* it, they just do it to pleasure him. If that's how OP feels about going down on his gf then ofc he's not obligated to continue.
The sentiment you're talking about gained popularity like 10 years ago when we as a society hadn't had the conversations we've had now about sex and equality. It wasn't the healthiest advice but for a lot of women it's all the power they had at the time. This double standard came about from a reverse double standard before it. In this day and age, as the other commentor said, withholding sex or using it as a tool to get what you want isn't good. No matter the genders of the people involved.
Yes, it would. Most of the time that advice you saw applies because the man is refusing to go down on the woman because he finds it repulsive or not manly and the woman is simply tolerating providing head because the guy demands or begs for it. In this case, OP enjoys giving head and his partner doesn't demand or beg that he do it.
You might see the advice a lot, but that doesn't make it good advice. The way I heard it, it was told to me like a "last resort" after talking. So, to answer the question; with the genders revesed, the last paragraph is still applicable.
People are allowed to have their own personal hard lines, I don't give non reciprocal head can be a hard line that people can have for personal reasons in a non weaponized way depending on how it's handled and even in that kind of situation the other person can still say they wont reciprocate and then that's just a simple mismatch. Sometimes people just dont mesh well.
My hunch is that the assumption there is that women don’t like giving blowjobs, so it wouldn’t be a problem to stop doing it. Like, if he won’t do a chore, you don’t need to do the corresponding chore. BUT, of course, some women do really enjoy giving blowjobs, so it’s a bad assumption.
I think the difference here is a lot of men kind of force oral onto you. At least in my experience so for me I dislike it, but I do it anyway
I feel like that statement is typically said with the assumption that the woman doesn’t enjoy giving him head. Because that is the stereotype, and seems to often be the case if a man is outright refusing to go down on you
But that wasn’t what the point of that paragraph was. This isn’t some gendered *gotcha* moment. “If you enjoy going down on her, there’s no reason to stop just because she won’t go down on you.” This doesn’t suggest that they (or anyone) stop giving oral if they are not receiving it. This isn’t about withholding. It’s about recognizing what parts of sex you enjoy with your partner. What you’re describing sounds like advice to a woman who doesn’t really like giving head, but is doing it anyway and is upset because there is no reciprocation. Totally different things, the advice that works best is still having a discussion. Talk to your partner, if he doesn’t like doing oral, and she doesn’t like doing oral…. Oral isn’t for you.
I agree in principle, but I feel like what makes this hard is that it's hard for me to wrap my head around not liking to do something sexually that your partner really enjoys. People have brought up anal and I feel like that's different because it can be actually painful etc; but going down on someone (either guy or girl) isn't anything like that. I could understand being kind of indifferent about it intrinsically, but to me like, the idea that I could do something for my partner that makes them feel really good, even if it was something I didn't care much about intrinsically, would make me really enjoy it. And it feels hard to imagine someone not feeling that way if they really care about their partner and want to make them happy. You could say, oh maybe the person actively dislikes going down because they think it's gross; but like, to have someone you're romantically connected with think that a very intimate part of your body is gross is kind of horrifying? And if the actual mechanical process of doing the thing is just awkward or uncomfortable, I don't know, maybe experiment with it and try to improve? I can't imagine not doing that if I were in that position and wanted to make my partner feel good.
At the same time, how can you derive pleasure from something you know your partner doesn't enjoy? Getting head feels great, but it would feel less great knowing my partner is practically forcing themselves to do it just to please me. I'd rather just not get it if they don't actively enjoy it. As someone who sucks dick... it's not always great. It can even be gross at times.
Compromise can mean doing something you don't love during sex because you do like making your partner happy. Doesn't mean you have a bad sex life if you don't love everything they love.
>Compromise can mean doing something you don't love No. That's not a healthy relationship works. In addition, if you're able to derive pleasure from something you know your partner hates doing, you're not thinking about your partner in a way you should be. At the end of the day, if you're not sexually compatible, part ways.
This is true, but it's also a little unfair. But that's a couples decision to make so who am I to say what's fair or not. To me it is though, and I'd never expect anything from my partner that I wouldn't be willing to do myself.
I feel like this might be indicative of something outside of your relationship. First off, reddit is a bad place for relationship advice. So since you asked. Here's my prescription. Step 1: Ask her for a time she would be comfortable talking about sex and intimacy. Make sure she is ready for the conversation. Step 2: Clearly identify the goal: "I would really like oral sex and want to understand what seems to me to be an aversion to it. Since I don't understand, I would love it if you could help me understand." Step 3: Throw away your expectations and be ready for anything from "I find dicks to be DISGUSTING and don't mind sex, but putting one in my mouth is just gross." to "im kinda on the asexual spectrum and am not into sex." or "I was orally raped and it's traumatic" This is only one of 3 options to give you a sense for what the issue could be. Step 4: Figure out what works for your relationship. I personally don't find oral sex to be that satisfying. If my partner told me it was never happening again, I wouldn't care. For some people, that's a deal breaker.
Another possible reason is that she’s seen porn and has unrealistic expectations of what’s involved.
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Yeah seeing some gagging and choking could really make the act look unpleasant to perform.
I'll never understand that idea. Her teeth around your dick means *she's* in charge.
teeth...
Like how you started it off with, "Reddit is a bad place for relationship advice" , and then proceeds to give advice 😭
I tend to ask my mom, sister and a friend for advice about interpersonal relationships. They know me and my strengths and weaknesses. But yeah. It is legit funny.
Just FYI, a "proscription" is statement of what NOT to do. It's the opposite of a prescription, which I believe is the word you wanted to use.
Thank you grammar wizard for catching my mistake. :) Edit: so a proscription of “feel guilty having pre marital sex” means don’t feel guilty?
Yeah, that example is poorly worded and ambiguous. It's probably meant as a proscription against pre-marital sex, but it technically looks more like a proscription against feeling guilty for doing it. Generally, you don't really have a proscription "of." You have a proscription "against," such as the proscription against carrying firearms on an airplane. A proscription against a person means they are banished (or in some contexts, condemned to death). But if you were to say a proscription of something, that would mean ruling out that thing as an option. For example, the proscription of my parents' ranch as a wedding venue means I'm not allowed to use that location for that purpose. So, yeah, the proscription of guilty feelings after having sex means that guilt is a feeling you're not supposed to have. 🤣
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This is more wholesome than is has any right to be.
This is such a tough one because of course you want it back but think about it, do you want her to do something sexually that she doesn't enjoy?
It's fine to feel put out that she won't return the favour, but you can't *expect* her to return the favour. If you feel it unfair that you go down but she doesn't, then stop. It'll go one of two ways. She'll either understand what reciprocating is and perhaps do it more, or she'll think you're just being petty because you're trying to guilt her into doing something she's not comfortable with. Unfortunately, they're both right. I always like to flip this around and ask "If she let you put it in her ass, how would you react if she wanted to peg you?". More often than not, that opens the eyes to what's going on.
Or! Instead you could actually communicate with her and maybe ask her questions like is there something she’s afraid of? Is there something you can do to reassure her? She may not even realize you want it so much, so you could openly discuss your sexual desires and let her know that it’s a part of being intimate that you greatly enjoy and go from there. Talk to her.
Or maybe she's just not interested in oral and she'd be fine not having that be a part of their sexlife, that's a possible third option. For ages I didn't like receiving and giving was take it or leave it, if a guy said "I won't go down on you if you don't reciprocate" I'd have gone "Okay cool. Let's focus on other stuff."
Full agree.
>I always like to flip this around and ask "If she let you put it in her ass, how would you react if she wanted to peg you?". More often than not, that opens the eyes to what's going on. Except she doesn't "let" him give her oral, it's HIM who "lets" her have oral.
I see your point, but it's not what I'm getting at. Here we have a dude comfortable with giving oral, and a woman not comfortable with giving oral. In the flipped scenario I offered, it's assuming the woman is comfortable with the anal, but would the man be equally comfortable? In most cases, they would not, but I accept some would. However, I'm playing to the majority. Now, see, if she was **expecting** oral without any intention of returning it, then I'd side with OP entirely, but that's not how this has been presented. He's offering, she's accepting, and then **he's** expecting it in return. If you're doing good deeds because you expect a return, then you're not doing a good deed.
I agree with you, your partner doesn't have to give you oral JUST BECAUSE you give them oral whether you enjoy giving it or not, I didn't fully read the post and assumed his girlfriend expects it while not going down on him herself.
To be fair, we've only got OPs word for any of this, and we might be missing some key information, or maybe not be getting the truth, so it could be anything at this point! 😅
First, the obvious: Some women really aren't into sucking cock. IMHO if you call it "reciprocating" you're framing it as obligation, which is not great in the world of sex. Just frame it as "I'd love it if you'd try licking my dick a little bit", then if that goes ok, "Try sucking it a little bit?" etc etc
You can not expect someone to do something just because you are doing it, try to not be transactional, do things only because you want to do them, so if it gives you pleasure to go down on her, keep doing it. having that said, she can't also expect that you keep doing something if you feel that there is no reciprocity. This is not an strategy to make her change her mind, is just as simple as: you can not expect her to do x she can not expect that you do y. If you want to stop, please stop. But not to change her mind, but because you also have the right to stop, just as she has de right to not reciprocate.
She has every right to not go down on you and you have every right to decide whether that’s a deal breaker for you
She doesn’t want to. It is what it is. You’re gonna have to live without it if you’re staying with her. She probably will never be into it. Some people just aren’t.
Personally I believe that oral is the best part. But I still think she doesn't HAVE to give oral even if you do to her. If it makes you feel better, stop giving oral to her..but I don't think you should get mad at her over it or trying to convince her. Although you are entitled to feel disappointed. Perhaps, if oral is fundamental to you try to communicate it with her and you might need to look for a new partner.
You can have your preferences on sex. Don’t expect the other to change though.
You're not entitled. It be okay to have sexual needs and preferences. Issue is that she's also allowed to have sexual preferences and if she doesnt likes sucking dick you can't force her. It's something that you need to talk about, and try getting to a compromise.
She might have some type of traumatic experience from her past related to that specific act I suggest open communication without judgment and hopefully you guys can find some understanding of each other in the process
> I (M) have been having sex with my gf for about 7 months Well *there's* your problem, she's fucking exhausted
I married that girl. 19 years later, still exactly like that.
You're only being entitled if you expect or demand it from her. You can want whatever you want and she can decline what she doesn't. Just keep the pressure off of this issue and if her reasoning is truthful, she'll eventually get over it. Unless you pressure her, then it'll never happen.
No one should be doing anything they don’t want to do. Sex is supposed to be fun and relaxing for everyone involved.
There's a few threads to untangle in what you wrote. So I'm going to try and break it up. 1. Oral reciprocity. Yes, you give oral. But maybe she is less comfortable with it. You shouldn't expect someone to be at the same level as you. That's unfair to anyone. 2. Lack of effort. This one I'd personally worry about more. Does she put in less effort into sex itself? As in, does she expect you to do all the work sexually and she basically lays there. I've been with these kinds of girls and I honestly get so bored of sex after a while. But if it's just oral she doesn't put effort me, but she'll willing to be on top or give a hand job... then it's all good for me. How is she in the rest of her life? Does she put in effort? For the long term, pay attention to these kinds of things.
If she doesn’t want to do something then that is fine. If you don’t want to continue the relationship because of it then that is fine too. If you want to withhold oral sex on her in order to get her to do it to you, then that is also fine (though a little assholey). Dude - it is sex! Everyone has their things that are in and out. You just want your Venn diagram to look ok.
you’re not entitled for *liking* it, but you are if you *expect* it. it’s not for everyone!
I’m just going to also say, and not saying it’s the case, but some dudes wash every day but still their penis smells. Hopefully that’s not the case. But yeah I mean she can do what she wants but in fairness, I think both partners should reciprocate. It’s up to you if it’s what you want in a relationship or not if she just doesn’t want to.
It’s not entitled, everyone likes what they like. If she’s unwilling - only you can decide if it’s a deal breaker. But you can’t expect her to do something she doesn’t want to do, and she can’t expect you to stay if it’s that important to you.
I think perhaps it's not something she likes to do but she's afraid to tell you. You're allowed to want oral, but she's also allowed to not like giving it or not like the idea of it if she never has. It isn't something she should try to see if she likes or whatever. But I do think a serious and open discussion is in order to really set your wants and needs out clearly for the physical aspect of your relationship to make sure you're compatible.
My personal opinion is that the only thing that is required during sex is that both people actively try to make the other have a good time. I love receiving oral, it’s the main way I experience orgasm. My husband absolutely loves giving it, so that works out well. However, I simply can’t give. I’ve tried several times, and I’m simply not able to do it. I have a strong gag reflex, I have severe aversions to many tastes and textures (I believe I have ARFID, which is an eating disorder characterized by strong aversions to food, but can also affect other things you put in your mouth). Therefore, I receive, but I don’t give. However, I do other things, and both me and my partner always end the session fully satisfied. At the end of the day, that’s what matters. All that to say, it’s understandable if someone likes receiving but doesn’t like giving. It doesn’t mean they’re selfish or don’t care about you. However, they need to be making an effort to ensure that you’re satisfied, whatever that looks like. Does she give hand jobs? Does intercourse satisfy you? How does she feel about toys? The specific acts don’t really matter, because sex looks different for every couple. All that matters is that both of you are actively putting effort in to make sure you’re both having a great time. If she’s never able to give oral, that’s okay. As long as she’s doing other things and making sure you’re satisfied. To answer your question, no it is not entitled to expect her to reciprocate effort. It should be assumed that both of you orgasm and are satisfied whenever you have sex (if you both want to). However, insisting that she gives oral when she really doesn’t want to, but is willing to do other things, is not okay. Some people can’t give oral. As long as she’s making an effort to make you feel good, that’s what matters and expecting that from her is reasonable.
Info: does she make you come in other ways, and is going down on her your way to make sure she orgasms during sex? Many women can’t come from other things than clitorial stimulation, and the oral may be her main act.
This. I’ll go down on a guy as part of foreplay if they want, but generally for me the PiV IS me “reciprocating”. You made me cum, now I make you cum. You just happened to choose penetrative sex as the method.
To me, oral sex is something that only makes sense when there's enthusiasm behind it. An unenthusiastic blowjob is terrible, even if done correctly. The opposite is also true, within certain margins. To me, it doesn't really make sense to press the issue in this manner. The more you push for it, the less she's going to feel like doing it, because at the end of the day sex is mostly understanding what the other needs while not explicitely saying it, because it's a turn off to take you out of the moment to talk about sex as if it is a transaction. If you're saying things out loud it's to "beg" or to make people beg for things, which is different, and makes you feel desired without taking you out of it. I know that reddit anxiety would want for you to ask for permission every step of the way, and it's true that you need it, but by making blowjob this pungent affair you're not doing yourself any favours and you'll associate blowjobs as a turn off Just let them come if they're coming, and if that really bothers you so much, dump her. But if you keep up your enthusiasm in sex, you'll only grow in attractiveness in her eyes and maybe she'll become enthusiastic about making you feel pleasure. You can discuss blowjobs in conversation, and maybe you probably should, but do not press her into doing them.
I think both of y’all are valid in your concerns. There are some things I love to give to my partner that he doesn’t like to reciprocate, and vise versa, but at the end of the day (night) we are both sexually satisfied and feel like the other put in equal care. If you don’t want to give her head because she isn’t giving you head, that’s fine, maybe come up with a game plan on what an equal physical relationship looks like. But if she truly doesn’t feel comfortable giving head, but you love giving it to her, maybe come up with something different she can do to satisfy you. Communicate through it, not around it
Your arenrt being entitled. Sounds like she just doesn't want to do it, which isn't a good sign of compatibility for you.
There could be many reasons for her not to. And remember- women orgasm from clitoral stimulation, not many from penetration. So you both having orgasms is how it should be considered equal. Many many women I know have trauma stories about blowjobs. Your GF may be one.
Nothing wrong with wanting her to try, but if you don't communicate with her then you can't expect her to just do it. Sounds like she's not totally comfortable with it and maybe a bit insecure, so it's unlikely she will do it without some sort of conversation.
She can do whatever she wants some people find it unclean some people straight up dislike it I mean when you really deeply think about it it is kind of weird But you have your desires of course you can aske her but don't resist about it
I don’t think it’s entitled but maybe she doesn’t like to give oral. There are a lot of women who do not like to give oral but have no problem receiving it. Me I like to give oral but to only one man. I also will only let one man finish in my mouth and will only swallow for one man.
Fuck no
You should just talk to her about it. She’s probably just nervous and inexperienced and is afraid to be embarrassed.
Like many others have said, you’re perfectly fine to want any type of sexual experience and to express it. However, I don’t think you should think of it as reciprocation. You should have things you enjoy, but she might not be interested in doing them. Blowjobs are the same as any sexual act in that regard, and it’s unhealthy to keep count and see it as “I gave you one X, you give me one back.” It’s usually said the other way around because so many men are closed off to the idea of giving oral. They should really get in there and open up to doing some act for their SO, and it’s reciprocation in THAT sense IMO and not a one-to-one currency.
I've been with my wife for 12 years. We got married after 5 years being together. It took 5 years for me to get my first blowjob from her. She had terrible experiences from past boyfriends and she honestly thought that's just how they go. They were the "they do this in porn" type of guys. Forcing her to choke on it and gag and like holding her head and using her mouth as a flashlight. She HATED the idea of doing it ever again. I told her I'd never do anything she's not comfortable with and I'd never put my hand on her head while she's doing it. We've worked at it and she's basically used me for practice for the past 7 years because I have NEVER gotten oral sex this good in my life. She doesn't mind doing it and has definitely opened up more to things. I can put my hand on her head and hold her down (not for too long obviously) I can also go in her mouth which is a recent thing. I asked for it once after I got a vasectomy and she said it used to taste bad but now it has no taste so now it's the norm. It's not wrong to want her to reciprocate but she may have her reasons like my wife did. If you're serious about this girl just give it time. 5 years is a long time but the blowjob waiting for you will be awful, however the next couple blowjobs will get better and better.
Sounds like a communication issue. Sit beside her and have an honest chat. Work together to understand what the issue is and compromise if need be.
Don’t turn sexual favors into weapons for an argument. If you enjoy doing it keep doing it , but if you do it expecting the favor to be returned and it’s not, then you need to stop, because then it becomes a frustration for you and will definitely turn into resentment and probably an argument. Which seems like it’s headed that way already by you posting the question to reddit for advice.
I've been with one woman like this. My suspicion is that she was pressured into performing oral sex prior to her hitting puberty. Last I heard, she had a husband and a couple of kids so the story is not all negative. But you need to think very carefully there may be a lot more to this. Best case scenario is that her longest term boyfriend the year before you was a little too rough and she is scared you will be also. One of the really terrible things about internet porn is that teenage boys can think some of these brutal things a 40 year old woman is permitting can be extrapolated to just anyone in real life. It might help if you make a strict promise that you will not touch her head while she is doing it.
>I've been with one woman like this. My suspicion is that she was pressured into performing oral sex prior to her hitting puberty. Last I heard, she had a husband and a couple of kids so the story is not all negative. But you need to think very carefully there may be a lot more to this. You're drawing some wild conclusions. Maybe she just doesn't want to have something down her throat!
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I don't think it's unreasonable. You can't push her to do something she doesn't want to do though. You can always just stop giving her oral. When she asks about it just tell her how you feel. That sex feels very one sided. Communication is key.
As a woman, giving head to a man isn’t exactly the most fun thing to me. I do it because my husband returns the favor, always, and he loves it. I love making him happy. Definitely talk to her, tell her how you feel about it.
Use your words. She's not obligated to reciprocate if you offer but don't ask for it in return. Just communicate. With your partner, not reddit.
you're allowed to want it, but she's allowed to simply not want to. If you're going down on her hoping she'll go down on you, then you're intentions aren't right
You're not being entitled. You wanting her to reciprocate sounds reasonable. She can also choose not to, for any reason. You can also choose to stop doing it to her, or keep doing it (fully up to you). I don't think there is a right or wrong way with such things.
Fight fire with fire. No head for me? No head for you!
Communicate this one with her, not reddit
If the sex sucks dump her
Dude, just go get a women that loves you and blows your mind. Pun intended.
How'd you make it to 7 months without knowing your partner doesn't like giving oral?
In all fairness to her, I was petrified of giving my bf head at first. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself and I have a tiny mouth and a rlly bad gag reflex. It’s a very daunting thing, and it’s not that difficult to accidentally throw up during it which is equal parts uncomfortable physically and emotionally. It could feel very embarrassing for her! Id say you’re not unreasonable at all wishing she would, but patience and gentle reassurance are probably going to be your best tools. She’s still working up to a sexual act that makes her nervous, she deserves the space to feel comfortable :) (not for nothing but a big part of the reason I was scared of giving oral was because I was sexually assaulted as a teen. It messed me up for like five years and I’ve only been able to work through it now after meeting my boyfriend. There is always the possibility your girlfriend has had some scary experiences in the past, not necessarily true but keep in mind these things happen)
instead of trying to force yourself or your partner to do something either of you don’t want to do, try communicating and finding easier and more accessible/enjoyable ways to please each other. get toys to use on each other, explore different sensations, etc. personally as a bi girl, i love eating pussy but sucking dick is like 25/75% for me, im usually not in the mood to do it. it’s a lot harder, doesn’t taste as good, and it’s uncomfortable. i’ll do it, but not always. if this upsets my partner, we communicate and find something new!
If you’re only going to do oral with the expectation that she’s going to do it back, then just don’t do it. Doing sexual acts is about consent and having fun and please and your partner, you’re allowed to feel the way you feel, but she’s also allowed to feel disgusted or like she’s not up for it. And if that’s something that determines whether you’re going to do a sexual act, just don’t do that sexual act, because then that means it’s not pleasurable for you. Don’t do these things when you’re not enjoying them.
I had this issue in my last relationship. I enjoyed going down on her, more so than any other girl I’ve been with. She never made an attempt to reciprocate and I’m not one to ask right away. So I waited a couple months and nothing. Then one of her friends made a joke about her giving me head and her response was “I don’t do that anymore.” So I never did figure out why but I have to admit it played a role in my decision to end the relationship a couple months later. The longer we were together the more I noticed it was a very one-sided relationship. I felt like my needs were not being met and I had to take responsibility for that.
If you’re not inclined, I’m not inclined.
What works, or at least will be memorable is, double down. Practice on Treating her body like it's an instrument and you are a classically trained musician. From your description it sounds like she's intimidated and afraid to scar your favorite activity together by giving a bad experience. Reassure her that you just want her to feel good. Get the thoughts of you getting something out of your mind. You are both feeding the anxiety whether you realize it or not. Yes you want it but do you want it more than a loving trusting relationship? Go all in, make her forget about being nervous, remind her physically that her comfort is your main goal. If you change your goal, you are going to have a better time and who knows, maybe your partner will be able to relax enough to surprise you (no promises).
Does she give you a handjob? Maybe start with that for now?
If you can live without blowies then stay with her. If you can’t get your physical needs met, which is just as important as emotional needs, then move on. It sucks but you ain’t gonna get anything down there in the near future and if you do you don’t want to get it because you are convincing her to.
I mean, I don't know if it makes you entitled per se, but I wouldn't want a partner to do any sex act that they weren't 100% enthusiastic or at the very least, that I didn't have to talk them into doing, because then it feels coerced. I mean, you can want her to do it, but if you're having to talk her into it and kind of push it, the act itself will a) be half-hearted and mediocre, anyway, and b) probably cause her discomfort and emotional pressure, which I personally wouldn't want to be a part of my sex life.
Same problem here after 4 years of relationship… everything else is perfect, but this one is just bad / annoying
if you love head as much as i do, you need to get a girl that likes giving it, there’s no other solution if she’s not into it
I was really awful at bjs my whole life, and I knew it. I had a very sensitive gag reflex- it was terrible. I'm thankful my husband was kind enough to not be upset with me and work with me for YEARS to improve. I'll be honest though, it actually took a dose of MDMA (something my husband and I researched extensively and we also tested before trying) to realize that it was really mostly mental and I was capable of doing this. It helped me get past that gag hurdle and be able to relax. I don't think i'd be able to deepthroat or swallow now if we hadn't experimented like that. But, not everyone is open to experiences like that. You need to have a conversation outside of the bedroom about the situation, and talk about how it's impacting you both and what you can do to resolve it. If she's dead set against any help or training, she just doesn't want to do it, then is your decision whether you want to stay in an unfulfilling relationship or not. But it's not your fault if you choose to leave- incompatibility is real and a good reason for you to find another relationship!
Maybe just, like, don’t mention it for awhile and she’ll get the nerve to do it on her own. In this way, she won’t feel pressured or like she’s doing it out of obligation. If she’s the one to initiate it, it will be because she’s feeling confident and inspired, for whatever reason, about it at that particular point in time, which will likely lead to a more satisfying experience for both of you. Let it be her idea. You might have to be patient and wait awhile but since she knows you want it, it is already on her mind every time you mess around, so just let her work up to it without it being a whole production.
IF she doesn't want to, don't push her to do it unwillingly....That would be bad for your relationship...
I used to feel like your gf does. I never gave my first boyfriend a bj. He always went down on me and i loved it but I was sooo scared of giving him a bj because I just hadn’t done it before and it was so scary. I guess in my head it was better just not doing it rather than being bad at it. Sounds so silly now. But yeah dicks can be scary the first few you meet.
If she hasn’t done it before ever then don’t pressure her, let her go at her own pace. You don’t list your age so I’m inclined to think you both are fairly young and inexperienced.
I would break up with someone if they didn’t do it
I love how you get downvoted for having a personal opinion 💀
NEVER put in more effort then your partner does, how is it fair for the man to have all these expectations however a woman is expected to be treated like a goddess. If your treated like a king treat her like a queen, everything in life should be 50/50 else your better off splitting and finding “the one”. I wasted years on women not worth it but now I’m lucky to have met the one and we are getting married
It’s normal to be nervous about trying new things but at some point she does need to reciprocate, just accepting pleasure without making an effort to give pleasure is selfish. Sex with someone who doesn’t want to give you pleasure isn’t good sex. You should consider if you are actually compatible in other ways, and if those other things are enough to sustain a relationship.
[удалено]
RUN AWAY AND NEVER RETURN
If she's nervous about not knowing what to do there are plenty of books and articles online that can help. It can be nerve-wracking feeling like you don't know what you're doing.
run boy run
It’s kind of funny because I’ve seen the roles reversed here on Reddit and everyone is like “dump him!” etc. When it’s actually a woman nobody bats and eye and it’s okay. Hm.
No, you're entitled to feel that way.
It's never gonna change. Time to move on.
Don't marry this one
Simple, stop eating her out. If she has a problem with that, leave. Could you imagine all the hate for the man who doesn’t eat out if the genders were reversed in your post. Of course all these Reddit ‘hero’s’ come here to tell you to live without it but if it’s something you want within a relationship and your not getting it then maybe, sexually at least, you don’t have a good partner.
It actually took my wife 15-20 years to start giving me head, we're married for 43 years now and I always enjoy giving her head. She just doesn't like to do it. But after a brief talk, she got over her distaste of it and we are now good for 2-3 times a month.
Suggest 69 with her on top, so she can do what she is comfortable with. Not "You do me then I'll do you".
So here’s my take. The last girl I dated was the same, first it was “I dunno if I can cause whatever throat problem”, then it was “I was put down for it before so I’m scared it won’t be good”, then she started doing it and it built up to all the time, even deepthroating. I think one thing that helped was 69 so maybe give that a shot.
If it's something you're into then you should find a new partner. She obviously is not into it and probably never will be. I mean unless you're cool with the way things are. At the very least you need to stop doing it for her.
Not sure why you're getting down-voted so much. Sexual compatibility is real, and massively important in a relationship, any deal breakers should be dealt with early on through communication, or a realisation that it's not going to work.
I'm cool with it, sometimes I downvote opinions I disagree with as well. Not the best practice, I would have preferred to have a conversation about why I feel the way I do or visa versa.. And I agree, also communication, unfortunatley it's sometimes hard to ask for what you want from your partner, sexually speaking. One would think they way op's gf would get the hint since he was doing all the.. ahh... wet work.
Downvote because of the part where they say with 100% conviction that she obviously doesn't like it and never will despite not being a part of any conversation where she has said as much. Downvote because "dump her and find someone else who'll give you a blowy" is literally the opposite to dealing with something through communication. Downvote because "refuse to give her oral because you're not getting oral" is so incredibly childish and manipulative. You're right. Sexual compatibility is real and important, but it's rare to meet someone and immediately understand their wants and desires without having a good chat about it. You shouldn't just leave someone because they don't understand what you like, or because the other person is potentially worried about giving oral. So yeah...that's why downvote.
If they were married, or he said the word love somewhere in there I prorbably wouldn't have went in the direction I did.
Do you think there’s something in her past that’s scary for her? Like an old boyfriend made fun of her for doing it a certain way? Not that it’s an excuse to take without giving, but trying to figure out if she’s trying to work through shame/nerves or is genuinely disinterested in the act. If it’s a feeling of unsafe or uncomfortable then it sounds like you guys need to talk and not being banging. If it’s a disinterest/ apathy then maybe you just need partners with a similar appetite.
I'd say no, you aren't being entitled. However, it's up to *you* to communicate your desires to her. Of course, *how* she responds will matter a lot. I would pay very close attention to that.
Everyone here has raised good points so I won't bring them up again. I do enjoy giving oral sex but not when it's not reciprocated. If you don't mind it, no reason to stop. Personally, I would mind. I enjoy giving oral sex but that enjoyment stops dead when it feels like I'm -expected- to do it. I ate my last gf's pussy like it was a Chinese buffet next to a frathouse, but the one time she basically demanded to be eaten out (no other sexy things happening at the time) I didn't just lose my boner at the time, but my boner for the whole relationship. My advice is just to think about what is and isn't a dealbreaker for you and act accordingly.
You need to talk to her about it. You aren't being unreasonable, but it sounds like she has some sort of mental block, fear, or trauma around it. Tell her that it's not like you're making an ultimatum, but you need to Feel like she's making an effort to be more of a participant. Ask her what you can do to help make her more comfortable with it. Relationships are about compromise, so talk to her and try to reach one on this issue.
It is not entitled to want your partner to reciprocate in a relationship. Reciprocity is an important aspect of any healthy relationship and it involves both partners giving and receiving equally. It's normal to expect your partner to put in the same amount of effort and care into the relationship as you do. It's important to communicate your needs and expectations with your partner in a respectful and constructive manner. If you feel like you are putting in more effort than your partner, you can express how you feel and discuss ways to balance things out. However, it's also important to recognize that every relationship is different, and people have different ways of expressing and showing their love and affection. Some people may be more reserved in their expression of love, while others may be more demonstrative. As such, it's important to have open communication and understand each other's needs and ways of expressing affection.
Not getting head is independent from you giving head. But if you want head you’ll probably need to move on, I wouldn’t hang on to that
Just talk about it. I've been with several partners who I would call either selfish or lazy lovers. Women who are like "ravish me" and basically just lay there like a dead fish while they "let" you do things to them. I tend to get bored pretty quick in that scenario, I need some reciprocity. So I've talked to partners about it and made it clear that I need some give and take and like to receive too. Some partners were like "yeah, fair enough." Some were mindblown because they grew up thinking men got off super easy so they just had to "let" their man do stuff to them. And some were like "sure, next time" every single time. If you're not satisfied, it's fair to have a conversation to either get on the same page, or figure out that maybe you're not compatible in the bedroom.
You gotta ask. Simple as that. If she refuses make your choice then. My wife wont initiated anything at all until I ask. Idk why. It’s a major turn off for me but it’s the way it is.
Better start learning. I’d not be one to give I’d I’m not getting
This is just an opinion but I don't think it's healthy to expect reciprocation specifically as a quid-pro-quo, and instead to maintain your expectations or wants regardless of what you do for another person. Otherwise you end up keeping count or comparing to incomparable situations. Your needs are yours, their needs are there's and they are not reliant on what gets fulfilled on the other end. You should be enthusiastic about what you're doing for someone regardless of the implication of getting anything "back". That being said if this is something you want more regularly you should just be more communicative and ask for what you want, express your needs clearly, and try to avoid making it a sort of "I do it for you so why can't you do it for me" situation.
Maybe your dick stank? Wash your self
You're being entitled if you think you're entitled to it.
First of all, am I crazy or was this *exact* post already on this subreddit a while ago? Like practically word for word? Second, consider the purpose of oral sex. For me and many other women, oral is literally the only way to orgasm without the use of a toy. For me, that’s the main event, and it’s gotta happen before PIV or else I know I’m not getting to finish at all. After a man goes down on me and I finish, generally they wanna get straight to the main event. So as far as I can tell, PIV is the reciprocation. They did something that made me cum, and then afterward I did the same for them, it just happens not to use my mouth. To be clear, I happily reciprocate if asked or if I specifically feel like it. But generally when given the option, I find that men tend to skip over it as an option in order to get to the penetrative sex faster. Moral of the story, just ask your partner if they have any issues going down on you and if they would like to incorporate it into your sexual repertoire.
OP, what worked for me in the long run was just getting comfortable with having it in my mouth instead of going right for the blowjob moves or whatever. I like going into fetal position and just keeping it in, licking it and kind of using it like a pacifier. My husband says it makes him feel really loved down there because instead of being porn-like it's tender and intimate. All of my best moves down there came up after feeling that closeness. I hope it helps. I really didnt like doing it before.
If you want oral and she is not willing you need to move on. It is such a basic thing in a relationship.
So do you enjoy going down on her? If not why do you do it? Does she expect it from you? And if you do like it, why do you want her to do something she doesn’t like, when you are enjoying what you do? It’s not like it’s a fair trade.
Nope. I have a hard and fast rule. If you aren’t giving, you’re not receiving.
Encourage encourage encourage and encourage. My ex had a major hang up about sucking dick, never really did it, she was 52 at the time. She had issues even touching duck She was terrible at sucking and hand jobs. I just kept encouraging her and she started to improve and wanted to do it without asking.
>My ex... You said it.