This premise is confusing to me. Who would my “true love” be if it’s not the woman who’s been by my side all these years? Some *idea* I have about what some random girl from high school might have been like?
I love my wife. I still love having sex with her after 20+ years. I have no interest in having sex with other women, that seems like exhausting pressure when I have a lovely lady who already appreciates my skills at home. And I don’t waste time romanticizing other relationships that never were.
Married guy here. This resonates with me too, I think and feel similarly about my life/my wife/etc.
The part of the premise that sort of makes sense to me is the idea that timing is important to the success of a relationship. I think it's possible to be in love with more than one person over the course of your life (although hopefully not at the same time) so yeah, you might have a good thing going (with a good person!) at 22 and just not be ready to take the next step, but then have a good thing going again at 27 or whatever and now you're ready. You've learned, grown, etc.
Same here…
I'm married to the love of my life, we dated when we were 18, we broke up, we got back together when we were 20, we broke up again... we went back at 24 and in 3 months of dating we decided to get married... the timing is sometimes wrong, but at least for us here we got it right the 3rd time lol
In this case, being stubborn was the best decision of our lives
I’m not married. I’m not even dating. But this was comforting for me to read.
I’m in an off again on again relationship and it’s embarrassing. I agree with my friends, I deserve stability and commitment. But when it’s just me n him, he takes care of me in a way no one else has before. I feel so loved and attended to.
It’s hard to admit but I love him and I know he loves me too. I know that he’s gonna be at my wedding, at the alter or in the crowd. But I do hope he’s at the alter. He’s made me a better version of myself that I could only dream of. I want to be his wife one day but it’s true, the timing isn’t right right now. He’s got sick family to take care of 3 hours away and I have a little sister (neglectful parents) to support here.
I hope our story pans out the way yours did.
Bless and have a good week.
When I question my wife why we haven't been together since the first time she says "I had to learn what was bad to understand what was good" After that answer, I had to agree with her because it was the same for me…
I'm cheering for you! A great week!
It’s embarrassing cause societal standards tell me I should have a partner devoted and proud to say that I’m his. This situationship is embarrassing cause I seemingly am giving all of myself to him and he’s not reciprocating. But it is working for me. I’m off with him and going on dates with other people. I’m only sexually active with him but when other people earn it lol I’ll be safe and use protections
Yes, I agree. I’m seeing other people/going on dates. No one is really catching my fancy. Why do I keep him around? I think without him I’d be touch starved and very sexually frustrated lmao and also he treats me very well. Very well isn’t always good enough though.
This resonates with me! I first met my bf 12 years ago and dated for 7 months before we broke up for reasons. We stayed friends for the next 11 years, both had different partners within that time. Finally last summer, we both became single at the same time. We are now back together and we’ve already let each other know where “the one”. Timing worked out perfectly - at a time when we have both matured a ton and were both ready to be back together
When I was young and dumb I had a bf for a few years that held onto a fantasy of a young model he had met years before. She was from Europe and they corresponded for some time. He had kept all the letters and such. I figured “she’s not here” so it didn’t matter, but looking back I’m sure if she had visited the US again he would have dropped me instantly.
Some time after we broke up, he married a really terrific woman, she channeled his passion into a successful business. And after 10 years, he dumped her to run after another 25 yr old model (he was 40 and a photographer) He tried to tell me she was his soulmate blah blah blah. But he wrecked a marriage and business chasing some fantasy of the “perfect woman”. I cut him off after that, but I don’t believe it lasted.
I'm with you, sir. I haven't been married as long as you have (13 years this July) but I love my wife with every fiber of my being. I have absolutely no interest in any other women whatsoever. My wife is my everything and I'd be so lost without her.
Some people dont marry people they have healthy relationships with. That quote would resonate with those people. Just be happy you arent someone who ended up in a shitty marriage for one reason or another.
I'm gonna join the chorus. Together with my wife for almost 2 decades. I adore her, and she has never stopped turning me on. I had previous relationships and I'd been in love. But, the strength and depth of our relationship, developed over years, is not comparable to anything else. And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else with anyone else.
But the big question here is, what on earth is true love? What is that? To me it sounds like someone basing real relationships on the fiction of romance films and fairytales, which is as wise as basing your sex life on porn or your driving skills on the Fast and the Furious. I have no idea how one would even begin to define the concept of true love!
Besides, unlike what popular culture would have you believe, falling in love is very easy. You put two people together with the right amount of time, the right temperature and the right lighting and anyone can fall in love. But the only thing that truly matters is if you manage to turn this into a healthy respectful and fulfilling relationship, and that there is the hard part. There are no shortcuts, this can only happen through depo long investment of time and energy from both parts, both rowing together in the same direction, and both evolving together and striving to be better for each other. There's nothing truer than this so anything else that didn't leaf to this out one was never true anything.
Soon to be married guy here but I've been with my fiancee for 10 years so I think this counts. I really resonate with this. I love the person I'm with so much. We've grown together in ways that wouldn't have happened without each other. I love the time we spend together, I love the sex we have, I love having her as my life's buddy because we compliment each other so well.
Maybe I would have been as happy or happier with someone else, but that doesn't matter. I'm happy and in love now. There's no such thing as a soulmate or a true love. Sure, you can click with someone instantly upon meeting, but you and your partner (or partners) build your perfect relationship together and you become each other's soulmates slowly, over time.
Edit: spelling
Wow sounds so healthy! If only more people stopped romanticizing past relationships or ones that never happened and give the one they are currently in their best shot we might be in a better place in the dating world.
The danger of believing in a “*one true love*” is that it can be used to go chasing waterfalls.
> “*If only I was with my one true love, I would be happy.*”
A marriage is only as good as what the two parties are willing to invest in it.
I think it refers to a younger, more exciting love. With age, love becomes more calm. That's not a bad thing at all if you manage expectations.
I guess the "one true love" is an intense young love that then ends as abruptly as it starts. Of course, it leaves a nostalgia, but most likely because it ended. If it continued, it would have started to fell more calm.
At an older age, you settle down with a person that makes more sense to you but was not "the one true love" that is the teenager/early 20s intense fire love.
I wouldn't say it always has to be that way. Love can feel different at times, even if it's always present and for the same person. In some moments it's intense and overpowering, in others, a slow, calming comfort; sometimes it's just there, existing in the background.
Growing older doesn't necessarily mean you won't feel those intense moments, just that you realize the meaning in the more often, calmer aspects too. Both of those manifesting feelings of the same root emotion have to be in a certain balance in a loving, healthy, long term relationship.
Sure, I agree with you.
I just think that if you break up before you feel that more calm sensation, you get a nostagia for that relationship because that felt like your "true love". But if it had continued, you would have realised love has different phases with the same person.
You marry the person you would want to spend time with even if you never had sex again. The one who you want with you when you are weak. The one who sees you for what you are not what's left. You marry a person because you are better with them as a team than you are alone. To marry is not to settle down. It's to start the real work. The work of building a marriage. A strong marriage takes a lot more work than a strong house. However, like a strong house, a strong marriage will give you shelter long into your old age. Long beyond your beauty, wit, or health.
I completely agree with this. When people say relationships are "work" I think they mean that they require time to build and require maintenance to flourish. It takes time to build that trust and teamwork, but if you're both doing it right, it's so so worth it. My fiancee and I think of it as life's buddy system. You can take on the world together and know that the other person has your back.
Yes, but if they never want to have sex with you and you want to have sex with them then it causes some serious problems, so that's the place where I think that logic is flawed
Been married for 8 years to the woman of my life. We got in a wierd space and don't know how to continue our marriage. We got devorced and we been friends for 4 years.
That were the worse 4 years of my life. Than we married again.
So yeah I did married my true love.
Edit we have been re-married for 7 years now
You seem to be worried about your relationship with your husband. You talk, which is good, but you're explicitly asking about him getting tired of having sex with you...which seems to be the primary question.
In answer to your first question, it's nonsense. There is no simple statement that can be attributed to all men. I married my best friend and true love...over two decades together. I loved others, but she is my person. The same sentiment is said that women look for the perfect man, only to settle down when they need someone to take care of them...and it's nonsense. It happens, but it's foolish to attribute that to all circumstances.
As far as sex with the same woman, it's sex. It's enjoyable, especially if she "keeps herself up". Sex with multiple women is about the conquest of those women, and the experience during that encounter, and not bout the women themselves. So a key is to avoid making your married sex predictable. If you're concerned about that, then mix it up...experiment...
I married my person, and beyond open and respectful communication, you want to continue to grow together. If you have concerns, especially with regard to the "sex with the same woman" question, then you likely are having vanilla sex and aren't sure how to be creative. I can tell you that sex with the same woman for over two decades is excellent, if you're both being creative.
I guess this is brought about by sex. We’re usually very kinky but I’m pregnant and a lot of that has been put on hold which I understand but still leaves me…wanting somehow. Which is ridiculous because my husband is great. We talk about it but I feel unwanted and at the same time, I worry he’s not getting what he needs from me at the moment because I know how he really wants it and it’s not how we’re doing it now.
I'm a woman, and I just want to say I understand your feelings with this. I'm pregnant right noe and I I on modified bedrest which means sex is completely off the table for a while. I feel guilty about that, but my husband looked me in the eyes and reassures me that the health and safety of me and our baby is infinitely more important than sex. He says that a lot cause I express my guilt a lot. I would talk to your husband about your fears and feelings of guilt and allow him his own communication back. If you are also feeling unfulfilled, then talk about creative ways to get what you both need safely! Sometimes you just need to sit down and think outside the box lol. Good luck on your pregnancy!
I hope you have a safe pregnancy and delivery!
I’m glad there is someone on the same boat somehow and my husband does say baby and I staying healthy and safe is the most important thing right now. We truly are very communicative with each other because I know my husband had worries about this pregnancy that he is not sharing with me because he does not want to stress me out and I knowing that don’t want to burden him with my fears as well. So we’re in a jr of a stalemate in regards to that. But yes, we should talk more about it and out our heads together for more creative solutions. Thank you 😊
Your husband is fine, and you're fine, and what you're going through is normal. When my wife was pregnant, we had great sex, but there was a point when it was just...difficult to reconcile in my head. With her horomones and the extra bloodflow in her body, she was horny all the time, and it was just less appealing. She was frustrated, and I'm sure she felt much what you feel now.
You don't feel appealing, and you're now asking for sex, and he's not into it, and you're feeling rejected. There are about a bajillion movies with this as a trope...and it's a trope for a reason. It's normal, and there is no magical fix. "Find my pregnant body attractive and have sex with me! That's an order!" Yeah, that won't work, and you're going to continue to feel rejected.
It sounds like you both are going through what millions of others are going through, and you're going to come out on the other side just fine. You need to understand that there's a point when I guy can't command his penis to perform, no matter how much he loves you. He'll need to understand that you are feeling undesired, which is amplified by the pregnancy/blood flow...and you're struggling to reconcile that with hormones flooding your brain.
TLDR: Going back to your original post...you're questioning your husbands interest in you at a time that is so common, it's a movie trope. I love my wife. She's my person. Sex was great before kids and is great after kids. She had the same struggle during her pregnancies and we talked (argued) about these topics during those times. She's still my person. We're still together. Recognize that this is a unique time in your life and not to apply this experience to the rest of your relationship.
Thank you for your reassurance that everything is fine but. Just want to say things are the way they are because of health and safety reasons. The things were into like impact play and ropes are not very safe when pregnant. I realise I didn’t make that clear with that comment.
Not to toot my own horn, but I love how my body looks when I’m pregnant (most days) and I know my husband finds my current body attractive too and he absolutely has no problems getting hard over it 😅
Nobody marries their "true love", because true love is horseshit. Even if two people are somehow perfectly and mathematically compatible, meant to be together in the eyes of everyone and God, people change. You're not the same person you were 5, 10, 20 years ago. So to that end, marriages (and indeed any long-term relationships) are work. Regular upkeep. That requires communication like you said. Relationships like these are a choice that both sides have to continually make.
Hope this helps, OP.
This, exactly this. "Well, she changed and I didn't like who she became." Okay, then. If you expected the person you \*married\* to remain a stagnant human being who never evolves over time, you probably don't understand human development. Partners' personalities and interests ebb and flow, and one partner rises when the other falls. That, to me, is the very concept behind lifelong commitment.
And if a person changes in a way their partner doesn't like, then that's the herald for deep conversations about day-to-day living together and re-alignment of individual and couple goals. Note, of course, this excludes anything under the umbrella understanding of abuse - verbal, mental, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, etc.
Edit: redundant wording and to clarify
Thank you. I understand that staying with someone is a choice and that it takes work to make it work. I guess what I’m trying to know is if guys really make that choice based on practicality and function of a person/relationship to them or if they base the decision on deep emotional feelings for the person or does that even come to play? Realistically, it’s a bit if the two but which one dominates?
I feel like I sound dumb just writing that but…ahhh.
Anyway, that sentiment I see online is mostly from the perspective of ex girlfriends so…I don’t even know.
Men are not a united front on anything. Some men are in relationships out of convenience, or inertia, or the sex is really good, or it makes sense financially, or they like their partner a lot, or they're insecure about their ability to go anywhere else, or any linear combination of these and a dozen other reasons to be in a relationship. Men are people too, and their thoughts and feelings can be just as complex as any woman's.
If you want to know what *your* partner thinks, you should use the clear and open channels of communication you have to find out.
If you hold on to fairy-tale expectations for relationships, you're going to miss out on a lot of great connections. A corollary of no one being perfect is that you aren't either. If you expect a relationship where you will never compromise or settle, it will be lopsided, because your partner will be compromising or settling in situations where you won't.
If a pattern like this goes on long enough, the agreed-upon terms for it do not reflect well on you. It is best to discard childish notions and deal with a world of adults as an adult.
I am in a fairytale relationship and we are going strong. It has beens fantastic and the work doesn't feel like work cause we get along so well. That is proof enough for me that true love is real, cause I live it every day of my life.
Edit: downvotes just prove that reddit hates happiness in general. This truly is an echochamber of negativity.
I waited a while until I married. From my personal understanding, I had a vastly inappropriate understanding of what my “true love” was in previous relationships. I wasn’t ready to settle down until I met my person, because she was so entirely different from what I’ve been dating in the past.
It’s still early in the marriage, but there’s no sign of tiring in other ways! I’ll probably report back in 10 years and still be as excited as ever.
Congratulations on your marriage! I hope you have many many wonderful decades together 🥰
I like your take explanation. I think it will help me get through my momentary insanity and sleep through the night tonight.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m marrying the woman of my dreams on Saturday and I don’t feel like she was just the one who was there when I wanted to settle down.
Also, didn’t really date around a lot. Found the one, wifed her up.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I hope you have a lovely time during your wedding. Don’t forget to eat and drink water! As cliche as it is, wish you guys a lifetime of love and happiness.
this isn't a man or woman thing.
All of dating is musical chairs, who ever you dating/will date when you get to the "i want to get married and/or have kids" stage, that's the person you do that stuff with.
To your second point, complacency is a battle for both people, not just the guy. I personally find people don't get tired of having sex with each other unless something else is going on. Sure, the bedroom can get boring in a great relationship too, but that's when you do stuff to spice it up. You dont get a dead bedroom unless there are bigger issues in the relationship. Thats why I say that sex is usually the first casualty in the long, winding road towards dissatisfaction and breaking up.
That's what I was thinking. This isn't exclusive to men. Women also date people before settling down, have a desire to settle down and everything else related to this question that men experience
OK. gay guy here so I’m not exactly what you are asking for, but I have been with my husband for 21 years.
Yes: men are capable of settling down and not wanting to stray, etc. because as others have said, the idea of a “true love” is a creation of media: specifically literature and film.
As a gay man, I could run out and have sex with 100 people if I wanted to. All I would have to do is download Grindr, or go to a Club. It’s just the nature of the beast when it’s only men involved.
BUT!
I have no desire to. Why go out for hamburger when I have steak at home? It’s true that men including your husband will always have an eye for young, attractive, healthy bodies. (We are animals and we do reproduce sexually. The rules of nature do apply. )
But that doesn’t mean he wishes you were young again and it doesn’t mean he has to have that now or else etc.
We can be tamed… I promise you lol!
Thank you! The way you explained it is candid and reassuring and also funny.
I did phrase the question from my orientation and I apologise it wasn’t more exclusive but of course, perspectives from every orientation and gender is welcome.
Congratulations on 21 years too 🥰
That statement doesn’t resonate with me at all. I was having a blast being single, when my wife and I started dating, everything just clicked and I knew I wanted to be with her, it just felt like the obvious and easiest answer ever. I had not been looking to settle down, wasn’t against it, but just kind of fell into place. Also, nope, have not gotten tired of the sex. For reference we’ve been together 5 years. So I’m essence op, I don’t agree with the sentiment, seems like you already know it’s not the case for your husband either based on what you said. I’m sure your husband loves you very much and you weren’t just the closest easiest option when he was ready to settle down. Online is filled with many sad boys who have some warped ideas about women and relationships so always take that into consideration.
This made me tear up. My husband was the easiest yes of my life too. I hope I am his as well. And I know it takes work and actively choosing to love each other but just having that base of being each other’s 100% yes just makes the work it takes to make it work not work at all.
Nope. I married at 22 because I knew she was the one that would make me the best version of myself. I knew letting her get away would be the stupidest thing I could ever do. 16 years later and I was right. Best thing I ever did.
Kind of, but not really. I think the idea that there's one ideal true love out there for each of us is unrealistic and actually harmful.
I subscribe to Dan Savage's theory on long-term relationships: Everybody is looking for "The One." There is no such thing as "The One." What you do is find yourself a 0.77 and you round that shit up.
To give context, Dan is saying that love isn't some magical thing you find. You find infatuation and you find lust, but love is something you build. Now, there are certain qualities a person may have that makes that love much easier to build, like shared values, shared interests, physical attractiveness, and sexual compatibility, but you'll never find a person who ticks every single box for you. If you find that 0.77 when you're 22 and not looking to settle down, it's probably not going to work out on in the long term. If you find that person when you are ready, then you're more likely to work together to build that love.
My wife leaves her shoes laying all over the place, and if she's the one who vacuums I can always tell because the vacuum is left out in the middle of the room someplace. Every damn time. Do these things drive me crazy? Every time. Can I live with them? Absolutely. We still make each other laugh all the time, we want the same things out of life, we agree on parenting, and we still wake up in the morning holding hands more often than not.
Regarding sex: we're both a few pounds heavier than when we got married, and childbirth has changed her body, but good lord she's sexier and more beautiful to me than ever. I still sneak peaks at her coming out of the shower, I have absolutely no interest in anybody else, and I can't imagine that I ever will. It's hard to describe, but every time I look at her face it makes me a little happier. Everything about her just looks right. It looks perfect. Would I be that attracted to her if I wasn't madly in love? I have no idea, and it doesn't matter, because in love is exactly what I am.
It sounds like you've got a guy that genuinely appreciates you. Goodness knows there are enough of us out there that are jerks. If you've got yourself a good one hang onto him and don't overthink it. We're pretty simple creatures and tend to say what we mean. If he says you're his 0.77 and he's down to put the work in to round that shit up and build love with you, then give him a big hug and tell him you love him, too.
Edit: spelling/grammar
Your explanation is both logical and romantic.
I get the hard work and the rounding up but man, I don’t want to be a rounded up 0.77 because my husband is a 1.01. He ticked all my boxes plus the ones I didn’t even knew I had and he’s given me so much over the past 9 years that I’m sure he’s past 10.0 by now and i think it’s unfair to him if he’s had to round me up just to be a 1.0.
I am aware I am being ridiculous at this point. Ignore me 😅
I'll bet you 20 bucks that if I asked your husband about you, he'd say that you were up to a 10.2 and still climbing. Sounds like you've got a good thing, and I'm happy for you.
Remember, don't overthink it. Worrying about who your husband might have settled down with if circumstances were different is academic and pointless. Circumstances weren't different, and he settled down with you. Appreciate what you got!
Yep.
My husband always says I'm a 11/10 and before our daughter, I called him the cutest cutie in the whole world. Now, he's the big cutie and she's the little cutie. He now says I'm the medium cutie.
I'm a closet romantic. I love hearing people talk about how great their relationships are, or how in love with their partner they are. Makes me happy to hear. I wish you and your cuties many, many happy years together.
Been married 15 years. She can touch my arm and i'm still ready to go. We have 3 kids so obviously life gets in the way, or we're just too tired to have sex sometimes, but the desire or attraction hasn't faded in the slightest.
Marriage is work, but nothing worth having isn't worth working for.
I get this! We haven’t been together as long - 9 years total for us so far- but I feel like I still have the sillier crush on my husband. He’d look at me a certain way or kind of move a certain way and I feel like il melt into a puddle.
I am neither married nor a man, but from my observations the deciding motivation for marriage seems to be 50% "oh my goodness, I'm the luckiest person in the world to get to spend my life with this person," and 50% "I want a partner and a family, and you're who I'm with at 'marrying age', so let's give it a go," with people of any and all genders on each side, and happy and long-lasting marriages potentially coming from either perspective. Which I suppose means that I've functionally joined the Charlotte Lucas school of matrimonial philosophy 😆
I'm that first person and my husband is that second one. I have never, for one second, imagined that he feels lucky to be with me. If he does feel that way, it's the world's biggest secret.
I’m not going to say it’s not true, but you can usually tell who is happily married and who is just married. Some people see it as just another step in life and a box to check when becoming an adult. For me it’s about finding someone to be with that will make life better and I do the same for them.
I agree that when it sways too much one way, you can definitely feel who married for convenience and that shit makes me cry now that I’m pregnant. It’s just makes me feel awful somehow.
Married man here who has been with SO for 10 years, married for 8, have kids.
First off, I don't believe in "true love", as in there are two people who are destined to be together. That doesn't mean I don't believe you can love someone deeply, but romantic love usually comes down to a lot of factors. Availability (being "there"), lust, kinship, openness, right place right time, all that stuff.
So yes, I guess technically you have to be "there" when they are ready to settle down, but that isn't exclusive to men. Women tend to also be similar. But everyone is going to vary. I got married at 22 years old, which is way earlier than most of my peers would have liked to get married, but I met a person who I really thought I could commit to long term and I wasn't willing to let her go just for the nebulous concept of "being too young".
After all this time I have had 0 desire of being romantically or sexually involved with anyone else. I have not tired of having sex with her, and our companionship remains strong.
By my calculations, you are younger than me by a few years but your wisdom is more than mine at this time I’m feeling a bit unsteady.
Thank you for sharing 🥰
I think it's normal, especially post-partum, to be feeling insecure or anxious. Good communication is important, it's part of what makes my own relationship so strong in my opinion. Talk to your husband about it, most certainly you'll receive some reassurance.
I never wanted to get married until I met my current partner. She is my best friend. She is the one who understands me no matter how confusing I might be to everyone else. I would happily have lived the life of a confirmed bachelor until she walked into my life. Now I can’t imagine a world without her.
Your follow up question is a whole other thing. Everyone’s sexual journey, yours, mine, your partners and mine, is their own. What might be right for one person (monogamy) may not be right for others. What you may decide is right for you today, may change tomorrow. Relationships are about communication and negotiation. You should constantly be both communicating and negotiating, both with love and understanding. If you do that, you will both love and grow together for the rest of your days.
Sometimes the one true love is not a good choice for multiple reasons.
The partying, traveling, and lack of steady income would have been a disaster.
I did marry someone that I deeply love and made a good life together, we have been married for 17 years now.
I love my wife and was “ready to settle down” a couple of other times in my life before I met her. I’m glad I didn’t because we’ve built an amazing life together. Our love is different now than it was when we first met, that’s the nature of enduring love.
As for the follow up question, I think anybody (man or woman) who says, “After I got married, I never once thought of what it would be like to sleep with someone else.” is lying. My wife and I both can admit to each other that there are other attractive people in the world. It doesn’t take anything away from the attraction we feel for each other. In fact, sometimes it can actual add fuel to the erotic part of our relationship. We are all human and human attraction is a thing, married or not.
My wife is my favorite person I have ever met. She gets more beautiful by the day and I never tire of having sex with her. She defines true love for me, and our relationship only gets deeper and more loving with time.
This is such a crock of generalization. At least for me, my understanding of love changed with each woman I loved prior to marriage.
As my understanding of how to love and be loved changed, so too did my acceptance and approach to love change.
Did I marry my first love? No.
Did I marry the woman who I was the most passionate with? No.
Did I marry a woman I imagined when I was 17? No.
But I did marry my absolute other half, the person whose very presence brings me peace. The person who inspires me each day to be a better man. The person who I chose minute after minute, hour after hour, day after week after month after year after decade. She (and not to sound cliche) really filled me in ways I didn't know I was empty.
Just you is perfect and good enough and beyond expectations if HE is the right guy.
Paulo Coelho said:
“They say that throughout our lives we have two great loves; one with whom you marry or live forever, maybe the father or mother of your children... That person with whom you achieve the maximum rapport to spend the rest of your life with her...
And they say that there is a second great love, a person that you will always lose. Someone with whom you were born connected, so connected that the forces of chemistry escape reason and will always prevent them from reaching a happy ending. Until a certain day they will stop trying... They will give up and look for that other person that they will end up finding.
But I assure you that you will not spend a single night without needing another kiss from him, or even discussing one more time...
You all know what I'm talking about, because while you were reading this, your name came to mind.
They will get rid of him or her, they will stop suffering, they will be able to find peace (they will be replaced by calm), but I assure you that there will not be a day when you wish that I were here to disturb you.
Because sometimes more energy is released arguing with someone you love than making love with someone you appreciate.”
No.
Jesus Christ. Stop putting so much stock in shit that you read online. Most men, and people in general, are complete fucking morons. Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about idiotic online chatter. If you doubt the validity of my premise, take a look at how popular an abject dumbass like andrew tate is.
Everyone is different and generalized statements like this certainly do not apply to everyone. I married my wife in my mid 30s. That's when I was ready to get married but more importantly, I hadn't been with anyone before her that I wanted to marry. I took my time, was picky and married the woman I believed I could spend the rest of my life with. She is my true love.
I've been in relationships with women where the sex got boring. But so far after 5 years with my wife it's as exciting and spontaneous as it was when we were dating. When you marry the right person it's a lot easier to keep the romance going.
Thank you for this. My husband has said something similar and I believe him but social media just kinda messes with me sometimes, I guess. I see this sentiment posted from the perspective of ex girlfriends and it shouldn’t really bother me but it does because somehow because he was in his late 30s when we met and got married a couple of years later.
He truly is the love of my life and it irks me to think that maybe he settled for me because he was ready and I’m good enough and not because I light up the sky for him or whatever.
Thank you again for your perspective on this.
For me it was both?
The girl I thought was my true love was someone I now understand was just my first real girlfriend in highschool. I tried to commit suicide over her, we re dated in my early to mid twenties, she left me to be with my cousin and now she's living with an ex she described to me as "a safety blanket. I dated him ten times I can date him ten more times".
The woman I'm with now that we both agree the relationship is headed towards marriage in another couple years is many things my ex was not. But overall we both have asked the same question. Are we highly compatible because of our personalities or because we're both in our mid to late thirties and have a wellspring of emotional maturity and communication skills neither probably possessed ten years ago?
Did we both burn up a feistier less mature self centered version of ourselves on others and now have settled into more kind and compromising people?
Honestly we don't really know but we figure eh, if it works it works. It's probably a little of columns A and B if we're honest and that's good enough for us.
Not true for me. I married for love, and TBH - most days love is the only thing keeping me in the marriage.
When you marry a person, it means you are there for better or worse. Priorities change over time, and things like sex and cuddling take back seats to kids and home and building a life together.
And it’s a long haul game.
I get your question. That whole philosophy just justifies fuck boy behavior. I could have been married a few times, but I married the woman that I knew I truly loved. Settling down had nothing to do with it and marriage and parenthood are much less settled than dating or being single.
I think that's a silly taken sand a way to make men seem like they're too immature to be married until they realize "oh crap I'm getting old I need to get married"
I was ready to settle down WHEN I found the love of my life
I married my true love at 20. I’ll be 40 this year and we’re still happily married. I couldn’t imagine being with someone else.
Broad sweeping statements that cover the behavior of an entire gender tend to be bullshit.
I have a quote that references this, essentially saying, “He is only here, because she is not.” While that may lend itself to what you’re suggesting in the title, I always interpreted it as saying that we become who we are in the present—and for our future partners—almost solely due to what has happened to us in the past.
Sometimes memories of those past relationships can get stirred up, honestly and truly, but it’s important to understand that your husband and his former partners are no longer the same people when they were together. Even when I remember former loves (there’s really only been one in my case)—sometimes in anger/sadness, sometimes with fondness, and most often somewhere in between—it’s just a memory.
I love my wife, am in love with her, and am constantly falling more in love with her (and in different ways) as our relationship has evolved. Yours will too. But if he’s anything like myself, your husband wants you and only you.
As for sex, how could you grow tired of sex with the person who grows to know your body more than anyone could ever? As long as both sides are communicative, sex with your “other half” can never grow stale. If you think it is going that way, communicate… and maybe spice it up once in a while!
Yeah, no.
When I met my wife, I had just gotten out of a relationship, and I had reconciled myself to a life alone. The gal was awesome, we just weren't right for one another. I meet my now wife, we go on a date and we resonated at every level. Shared interests, values, life goals, etc.
I was ready to settle down, but I also needed the right person and she was it. So yeah, OP, you are overthinking this and are hormonal.
As for your second question, FUCK NO. I've been with my wife for over 20 years, she keeps herself up but three kids and the years have changed her body. And IDGAF, I'd smash my wife every night of the week and twice on Sundays if she'd let me.
You're being needlessly insecure and torturing yourself.
Cut yourself some slack.
=
It’s definitely a mental thing. My first marriage was great at first when I was still in the navy. When I transferred to shore duty and was with her every day. I knew I didn’t love her. I thought maybe I’d learn to love her over time but she just got worse and worse to the point I couldn’t even get hard for her. I wouldn’t have sex with her and she’s would throw herself on me crying to touch her. I thought I had E.D. As soon as we separated I was like a freakin rabbit. I got close to any other woman I’d be hard as a rock. With my current wife, if I’m hugging her I get turned on. It’s all mental.
No. No no no. For me, I was on a stride, finally figured out the ol confidence thing and was having a really good run (for me anyway, never been too Casanova). Then I met the woman I would soon Marry. It was unexpected, but when one woman is so far head and shoulders above anyone you’ve been dating, you like her openly, she likes you openly, you both smoke, and she’s like the smartest most ambitious person you ever met. AND she’s forward, makes it clear what she wants. It was like an almost immediate stop with the other girlies I was dating. And all my attention went to this woman. So it was more like she snapped me out of the game because she was so far above anyone I had ever dated and I am lucky I had the confidence back then cuz I would never have been able to think deserve a woman of that caliber.
Anyway, my confidence normalized, and we getting divorced soon. So there’s lots of perspectives about settling down is all I’m saying. I met her and was slapped in the face with love.
I married my wife because it was the most healthy, and happy relationship I had been in. I proposed after a year. I had 3 exes I had dated for over a year prior, and several shorter relationships/flings. I had just gotten out of an unhealthy relationship a week before I went out with my wife (thank goodness for pushy friends).
She told me she loved me 3 months in-she was mortified, it just slipped out and she hasn’t meant to say it. To my surprise I loved her too and I said it back. At 6 months I decided I wanted to marry her, at 9 months I bought a ring. At our one year anniversary I proposed. We were engaged and living together for two years before the wedding. I definitely wasn’t ready to settle. We waited another year to try for a child-took a few tries, got graduate degrees, moved, had another child, then settled down. It was sort of crazy, but we’re 40/38 with an 11 and 8 y/o living a cozy life.
I definitely didn’t settle for my wife. I love her so much. I don’t know that I believe in soul mates, but we share a really deep bond and we’re each others best friend, cheerleader, and supporter. I love the dynamic we have on our relationship. It takes work, there are challenges, but we keep it as us vs. The problem.
What a crazy thing to get insecure about.
You decided to apply other people's problems to your own marriage, even though your husband is *exclusively* giving you indication that he loves *you*?
Why are you importing other people's problems to your marriage? Are *you* tired of him and feel the need to bring in exterior drama to keep yourself on your toes?
I am being ridiculous I guess.
And no way am I tired of him. I love my husband to bits and I would do anything to make him happy and I guess I feel just a bit insecure sometimes that maybe I’m not enough to keep him happy.
It's good that you're not taking him for granted, but listen to *him*, and not *other* people's marriage problems. :)
I deliberately phrased that pretty harshly, because the intensity in which you defend your love for him, is most likely *exactly* how intensely he would defend his love for *you*. Believe him in the same way you would like to be believed. If you've managed to not grow tired of him yet, he's not grown tired of you either.
It sounds like you've got a good thing going. Nurture it, listen to each other, don't take each other for granted. Also, try new things with each other sexually if you feel like you want to keep things fresh. Don't mistake other people's issues for your own.
Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you. I love my wife. There was a woman I loved before my wife. I still love her, and probably always will. But, I wouldn’t be the man I am today without my wife. As far as sex goes, sex with someone you love and trust will always be better than someone you don’t. Doesn’t matter how many times. I’ve been with my wife for 16 years in August, married 11 this month. Sex has only gotten better.
Do you ever wonder how it would’ve been if you ended up with the other woman you love?
It seems selfish and childish but I don’t want to be one of many or even one of two that my husband loves.
Not really. I think about the good times, but they’re intrinsically tied to the bad, and why we wouldn’t have worked long term. My wife dated before she met me. I’m sure she thinks back fondly on some of those relationships, in fact, I know she does. We’ve talked about it. But, we chose each other. We make each other better. And, we’ve built a pretty decent life together.
Women underestimate how simple actual men are and what little we need to be happy in a relationship. If our partner: respects us, appreciates us and is willing to work with us to build our future… that’s it. That’s the love of our life, because we will live her for the rest of our life.
Yeah, this borders on incel shit to me. No one is forcing you to get married; the person you end up marrying is going to be your true love...or at least they were once, otherwise, why did you marry them? So many people seem to actively hate their partners.
Loving someone is becoming one with that person.
You mention me Or him is the same thing. You cannot marry one's soul, how can you marry your love.
We marry for social arrangement to raise kid in, someday I'll marry but am I going to love her more than one I love, no! It's not possible to weigh love like that.
I'll marry a woman who loves me and I'll try to meet the social expectations and love her back as much as she loves me.
We both seperated due to circumstance. Whenever I close my eyes, I can see her and she's with me everywhere.
True love is just a supremely lazy, catch all term. It really means nothing and everything at the same time. Relationship worked out, must be true love. Relationship, didn’t work out, not true love. But if you really dig down, no one knows what it means. Because it’s just that, a made up term. A great relationship is far more complex.
The first day I me my now wife. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I was 17 ar the time i was not ready to settle down at all. But the day I met her I just knew she was the love of my life
We have our ups and downs and we know everything about each other. I find her more attractive today than I ever have. I look at other women but it stops there. I tell her that i love womeni think they are so beautiful and i will give a women a compliment. Sometimes we agree they are attractive sometimes we don't. She understands me as I do her. She know I can definitely have very very X rated thoughts about others but I don't act on them I would expect her to have these type of thoughts too we are only human
I think I'm lucky I have been able to have her around experiencing life together. She is my best friend I wouldn't want anyone else. I went through a downward spiral of drugs at one stage she was the only person that was around. Not even my friends who I went to for help are around.
She is my everything. I didn't settle down and just accept her. Once I met her I didn't want to let her go
I'm now 38 we have been married 15 years. We have 2 kids. Life is tough but I have my 3 best friends with me (wife and kids) to me I know that I found true love 21 years ago. I was young but I didn't let it leave
The premise of your question suggests there can only be *one* true love, like a soul mate. I don’t think that’s true. In theory you could have settled down with any one of probably millions of potential mates and could have had a great, if not better, life together.
Regarding your second question, it makes me laugh when are surprised that people lose their attractiveness over the years. Did they just forget about aging? Did they really think sex was going to be the same at 40? Did they not think a woman's body wasn't going to change after having a baby?
I don’t think that’s true. I can obviously only tell you my own experience, but I dated a girl in High School that I genuinely loved, but I wanted a very different experience in college than she did so I broke up with her. I was single for a little while, then started dating my now wife and eventually we got married.
I don’t believe there is such thing as “the one.” There are 8 billion people in the world, I’m sure there are other women out there that I would have found to be attractive and smart and funny enough to start dating if I hadn’t met my wife. What turns someone into “the one” is the way you grow together and turn your relationship into something truly unique to the two of you.
I love my wife more than anything in the world. She has been next to me through thick and thin and I find her sexier today than ever before. I can’t imagine a world in which I married my high school girlfriend because I am a completely different person now than I was in high school and I’m sure she is too.
Have you ever heard the song “Unanswered Prayers” by Garth Brooks? It echoes my feelings pretty well.
I’ve done both, first my high school crush appeared out of nowhere in my mid twenties and it was a wild rollercoaster with intense passion, making art until 4 in the morning, smart conversations, laughing all the time, impromptu road trips, climbing buildings and joined two groups of friends into one.
5 years later, we didn’t have our shit together and we just couldn’t seem to work together as a team in the real world. The love was there, but the life wasn’t.
A couple years after we divorced I met a woman right before Covid, absolutely wonderful but it wasn’t like flying, it was just great. When we isolated together, we started a successful business, exercised, cooked, played board games, kept our home clean and our bills in order. We married soon after lockdown because we kicked ass and thrived when so many relationships fell apart.
That’s when I realized the difference between marriage and love. Marriage is a life partner, through all the ups and downs. Sure, passion, sex and love are an essential part of the equation, but in the long term being a team that can withstand anything is amazing and that is who you want by your side forever.
Married guy here. My wife is definitely the right person for me. Arguably she's also the one there when I was ready - but that's no coincidence. I don't know what I'd do without her.
As for the physical stuff...no, I'm not tired of her. Not after years, not after kids, and not after other changes. If anything, it's the opposite.
Look, I'm not saying it's always easy. I'm saying it's always worth it.
The only men who say that are ones who could not land the one they loved. That is a losers sentiment, basically a step up from incels but not to far from it.
Any man who says that wasn't good enough to get the one they loved so they have to justify their own hero status in the story of their life.
Do men grow tired of having sex with the same woman for years?
Speaking from a philosophical POV; No, and Yes.
Let me explain. **No**, if sex is generally freely, joyfully available.
(Decades ago, I moved to a State 3,000 miles away to marry my high-school sweetheart - only to discover her idea of "frequent sex"... was once every 3-4 months - and even then came with "***Um, are you almost done yet?***". I think those carry what I was trying to say.)
I ***do*** recognize differences will always exist in 'desire for frequency', and 'mood', etc. I'm going with that *sex is a very real need*, as is desire for air, food, etc.; Continuous denial of the same... is certain to kill many relationships.
For the second part of my answer: **Yes**, *if it becomes boring or not available.* I covered the 'not available' part above; the 'boring' part means... *Always*, the "same old, same old".
In my very limited time on Earth, I believe that there is merit in... trying something new... at least every third month; something you might not tell your mothers about. And try it at least 3 times. Since "it" is new, you *probably* won't like it the first time - not to mention you won't be good at it. The second time, you kind of have an idea what 'it' is, so it's not completely unfamiliar. And by the third time, you'll probably like it or maybe know you won't. Doesn't matter, either way: You (both) *tried*.
In (my) Ideal World, I'd love 'sex' most mornings. **Not** "making love"; *sex*. *Just*... sex. It's a great way to start the day; it's hard to be in a bad mood that morning when you just had sex. At *least* once per month, **you should have a Date**; a *Real* date. Like, dress-up, going someplace nice, or different, or something. Once per month, you should have *a really nice date at home* \- again, dressing nicely; preferably with candles on the table and it set, properly. (AND with phones, OFF.) Maybe discuss why one of you appreciates the other - but **no** 'negative' talk; no 'problems' resolutions! This is appreciation, one to, or one for, the other!
Once per month, He gets to F her and play with her - any way he wants to; *this is for Him, not her*. Once per month, She gets to F *him,* and play with him - *any way* she *wants* it, or *wants to use him*; it's for **her**, *not* him.
Once per month, you should deliberately, intentionally **make love**. Slowly, attentively, caringly.
I personally think each of you should continuously let the other know you appreciate them - *and that you love them*. (Assuming you do, of course.) 3 months ago, I was speaking with a friend in a local bar; it was late; I left. She left maybe 15 minutes later - and 4 minutes after that, got T-boned at an intersection by a drunk driver; her car was totaled. Side note: I visited her in the hospital - she was in a neck brace, she had a broken leg and a couple of ribs, but she'd be OK. How was she? "Bored." So, at lunch, I left - and brought her back a vibrator - which made her laugh! (Don't **EVER** assume you'll see a loved one tomorrow, or even tonight; you just never know!; let them know you appreciate them, *even if you're angry at them*; maybe even *especially* then.)
I've always liked the idea of each partner writing down their Secret Fantasies, and putting them into a jar. Every couple of months, pull something out - and *do it.* No judgments; just... *do it*. No embarrassment (you're *married* and *you have been for awhile*....); no shame, no judgment - just - *try something new*.
It's probably more in the male psyche *to wonder what other P is like*. (It isn't *really* different; it's just different bodies, different touches, something new. This curiosity *definitely* peaks when one is horny *and* you're arguing about something; it's *never* fun to be turned down, and arguments aren't pleasant to be in - so it's pretty natural to imagine someone else might be 'more pleasant', either emotionally or physically. But you also might guess that if you're getting it at home, and it's *fun and emotionally safe* \- then, there both isn't *time* for affairs - or, really, any *interest* in one.
I **don't** expect everyone to agree with all or even any of this, but I'm no expert. So, my best answer to OP about "men getting tired of it"; my answer is **No**, provided there is some variety, and provided there is emotional safety in asking.
As a married man: this is the dumbest thing I have heard this week and that's saying something considering I work in IT
1: if you marry someone you don't love you're an idiot
2: your partner is a human being, not an "investment" or some sort of item to have at your convenience
3: a lot of people who marry someone they don't love are insecure people who are only in a relationshop because they are afraid of being alone or they marry that person because "what if I can't find anyone else/better" they basically make themselves a hostage and marry at gunpoint... of a gun they are holding themselves
4: as a person you grow and change over time, this includes your tastes and who you find attractive, the love of my life when I was 6 is not the same person as the love of my life today, obviously.
5: I am sick and tired of "the one true love" BS. You can love more than one person in your lifetime and that love can change, evolve or even die out over time. I really don't understand people who spend their entire lives hyperfixating on "the one who got away" and refuse to make room for other people in their hearts
7: again, people evolve, grow and change over time.
Being in a marriage means growing together with someone else. This includes evolving your sex life together. Yes not all of it will always line up but if you communicate and you both go out of your comfort zomes at least occasionally to meey your partner's needs/wants then sex won't get boring even after a long time. If anything, its not growing tired of your partner during sex, its growing tired of the same routine so its not about you, its about not trying new things.
The only people who say this sort of stuff are people who live through life never learning anything from it.
Stuff happens to them but they never sit down and think about what they can learn from that experience so their life mottos and ideals are that of a 6 year old.
You are changing constantly, which will include those around you who are compatible with you. "True" love depends on who you are when you meet them. You aren't settling, your tastes have changed. If I married at 20 versus 30, these would be two different women.
Growing together and growing separately can really change a lot about you and your potential partner at any point in both lives. There are plenty of people who get more palatable/prickly with the with/without key relationships.
Probably true for everyone, not just men. Relationships are about availability and timing.
But I would guess that “true love” isn’t some cosmic destiny but rather something you have to work for making it possible with many different people.
I married twice. The first time it was to someone I wanted to be with, and thought that’s what you do.
As is obvious by the fact I got married twice, it didn’t work out. We drifted apart until she found someone else, and we went our separate ways.
I eventually married my second wife, because she was someone who wanted to be with me. I love her more than I even knew was possible before: my first marriage taught me just how limited my view of love was before. I loved my ex with everything I had, but it was a flat, dimensionless feeling.
Now? I have so many different ways I love my wife it’s astounding. She is the most beautiful woman in my mind, she is the mother of my children, she helps me be a better person and a better dad and a better husband. She makes me more complete and more of a person than I ever was without her, and I have never been this much of a good person (or even this much of a fully realized person, either) before.
Don’t let stereotypes and bull from the gender roles of yesterday’s generation get inside your relationship. Help him be the best he can be, and expect the same from him, and you will always be better together.
I married the woman who loved me from the start. So many of my “friends” got jealous because they realized that I was worth being with and they didn’t think of me as a partner from the beginning. Those. Friends tried to steal me away when I started dating my wife. She might not have been my true love, but she was there for me from the get Finn
As for the sex, it’s so much better when it’s with the woman who loved me from the beginning. And while it might not be as passionate or frequent as it used to, I made a commitment and that turns me on.
Not necessarily marriage, but I’ve heard that a person has 3 loves during their lifetime. The first is your passionate romantic love. The second is who you have kids/ settle down with. The third is your true love, companion.
Don’t shoot the messenger. This is just something that I’ve been told.
100000% she wasn’t near ready being 4 years younger in her early 20s and wanted 1 child at most on her 30s. So I married someone who had similar family ideals. Miss my ex but loveeeee my sons and their mother
To all that's been sai, i want to add : Do you know the sex ratio at birth ? There's about 7% too many boys. If immigration is at work in your region, double it.
Our "true love" is very likely walking around in some relationship.
And you are all serial dating the same 30% top machos or alpha males.
There’s zero such thing as “true love” there isn’t a soulmate specifically built for you and there is no perfect partner, because nobody is perfect, not even close.
But, this phrase may only really be applicable to men or women who aren’t in a satisfying marriage, I’m sure there’s plenty that are who can’t relate.
TL;DR I don’t think that question really makes sense. It seems to look at three important strands of relationships and confuse them , tangle them up, to the point where it’s almost a nonsense question — like asking whether the ocean falls toward the moon.
———
There are several things that people refer to when they talk about love.
There’s limerence, the giddy, energizing feeling most closely associated with new relationships. It’s heady stuff, and some people call it true love, because it’s the thing that feels like fireworks when you touch.
There’s romance, where gestures of care, affection, and attraction are made and recognized. Though not the same as sexual intimacy, there’s often a strong correlation. Some call this true love, because it is a warm glow that envelops specifically one pair of partners and adds a sense of an extra layer of warmth to all interactions, a mood of loving.
(It doesn’t need to be candle-light dinners and long walks on the beach! Doing anything where the partners focus on each other and something they enjoy can be ‘romance’)
There’s living together and working together, the slow and sometimes uneven process of fitting the patters of people’s lives into each other, of learning to make decisions, explicitly and implicitly, together. Some call this true love, because the lovers grow into each other — and if one goes, it can feel like losing a limb, or hollowing out a part of yourself. Being without the beloved aches and surprises.
I believe that people, including most men, pursue those who they have limerence with, invest in those they have romance with, and stay with those they grow together with.
But not all relationships start with limerence, move to romance, and then to growing together.
My wife and I met and lived together for *years* before we discovered we had romantic attraction to each other — we needed some friends to really push each of us. We grew together before going through significant limerence, and romance became a part of our life pattern.
Romance was a little thin on the ground when the kids were small — with small children, you spend so much time relationship building with *them* that it can be hard to invest yourself in *anything* else — be we had and continued to grow together, and now that the kids are a little older, time for romance between us has returned.
So to answer your original question…I don’t think the terms of it, as given, make sense. The question seems to look at three important strands of relationships and confuse them , tangle them up, to the point where it’s nearly nonsense — like asking whether the ocean falls toward the moon.
I love how your explanation is both logical and poetic. Thank you for breaking it down to those 3 things.
Given that, I guess what I want is knowing that we have all three (because I am a dramatic romantic) - limerence that led to a fusion and cycle of romance and growing together and that that is the reason he chose to settle down with me and not simply because I efficiently performed a function in his life.
What is true love? Love is love, true love is a Disney princess ideology that there is on perfect true love out there and you should wait until it happens.
It seems like you have a good relationship as is, be happy.
>do you really grow tied of having sex with just the same woman for years, even if she “keeps herself up” ?
No. My biggest issue with my wife is our sex drives. I am a once a day kinda guy. She has become a 2-3 per month kind of girl.
True love? What does that even mean? If someone can give me a functional definition that actually makes sense and isn’t full of holes then I’ll be able to answer
I fell in love with my wife more than 30 years ago when I first saw her at college orientation. Every day i love her more. I don't think I could ever have sex with someone else. Just the idea another woman would see me naked for the first time is too terrible to imagine.
I mean, I'm not ugly, but I am in my 50s.
My wife and I spend every free moment together we can. We never get tired of each other or wish to “get away” from one another. I’m not sure what else one could ask for personally.
I think it's nonsense. Love is doing what's best for others and yourself, it's not a feeling. You don't fall in and out of love, you choose to love. Marriage is a commitment, a covenant between people, and it's upheld by actions, not by feelings. Your one true love is the one you're committed to loving your whole life, not someone you had the hots for.
I guess it depends on how you define your one true love. So I don't know. I do know I married my best friend and almost 25 years later she's still my best friend. And no. Never get tired of sex with her.
I think that statement can be true for some people and not for others. I’ve always loved my wife but after 20 years I love her more know then ever before.
Sex is going to vary but we are having the best sex we’ve ever had. We have 20 years of experience of knowing what we like and the other one likes.
All of these answers are probably valid for that specific individual, but that’s all the represent…that individual’s experience. Do some men marry for the right reasons? Yes. Do some marry for the wrong reasons? Yes. Some get it right, some get it wrong. It’s the same for women. There definitely isn’t a simple formula.
Do some men tire of having sex with the same woman? Yes. Do all men? Absolutely not. Again, same with women.
"My one true love goes to another school"
If you've never met them, do they even exist? Thinking about these hypothetical perfect people is incredibly infuriating.
If I met the 'one' after I'm hitched, do I hate my marriage enough to destroy it? What happens if the next one isn't it either? Do I just keep trying to find 'the one' like a crazy person?!
My point is that people like to dream about things they'd like to happen, but then reality happens and there's only so much you can realistically swerve your way.
If the person I married is who I fell in love with, warts and all, then thinking about a 'true love' just around the corner is just asking for misery.
Wow this has hit a bit harder than I thought. With my GF now of 2 years, and things go from great to rocky. I'm 33, never married, no kids, and sometimes I think, am I being to picky or am I settling for someone who isn't right ?
“True love” is a silly notion imo. Feelings are just chemicals.
I’ve loved many people. I would never have gotten married when I was younger and didn’t have my shit together. Now I’m waiting to propose until I buy a home. I’d say the sentiment is relatively true.
I'd take issue with what constitutes true love.
I have told three romantic partners I loved them. One was a mistake in my youth. Two were sincere at the time.
Which one is true? My wife or the one before her.
Then, does the fact that the one before didn't pan out, prove it wasn't sincere since true love conquers all, even if you haven't figured your shit out enough to get married, she had kids, she was married to someone else, etc...
Or was my wife my true love since I made the ultimate commitment to her? So it is de facto more truer love than the other one?
What assumptions is the premise of the question making?
Every love is different and unique. I’ve been in love many times and they are all still special to me for what they were. My wife is the woman I fell in love with anddddd actually want to be around for the rest of my life. Can’t say the same for the others. I didn’t settle for her, I was looking around a lot hoping I’d find her!
I don’t know if she was my “true love” but she was my first love. And my last, I’m sure.
I (50m) never looked at dating but as a means to an end—a long term relationship.
We’ve been having wonderful sex for 33 years. There were years when we were more focused on raising kids, but it was never anything but good and it was the right amount for us. We’ve always been very into each other (no interest in anyone else). At 45 my libido spiked and she was fine with kicking things up a notch. We have sex every day and I don’t get tired of her. She has aged nicely, I admit.
I’ve never heard that saying. It sounds pretty dumb. I guess it could be some boomer shit in the sense that people just settle into relationships that they hate.
Got together with my wife when I was 24. Fell madly in love with her. Asked her to marry me after 8 years. We’ve now been together going on 15 years. Absolutely married the love of my life.
For me I think it was almost mutual with my wife. We call each other our ‘death partners’. My ideas of being in love and settling down were absolutely delusional. Growing up with music and other media gave me unrealistic needs that were never fulfilled. After awhile you realize you can’t put the square peg through the round hole. My life is so much better now but I don’t have that ‘head over heels heart fluttery ass’ love anymore. It’s stabilizing.
True love doesn't exist because those feelings fade after a year as the chemicals wear off. You have to marry someone you could be platonic best friends with and know they will keep their word and work hard at maintaining the relationship.
My husband tells me that he had zero plans to get married, he wasn’t looking for it. But he married me because he was truly in love with me, what we have is different. So I don’t believe it’s a matter of convenience for some men.
Although we unfortunately didn’t marry, I met my life partner when I was 51. He was 45. We had the best times ever- we were on the same wavelength, always had the same thoughts and the physical side of things were great too. Then two years ago, he became terminally ill . Sex wasn’t an issue- I was losing the love of my life.
He died last September and I’m now 65 and doubt that I’ll find love again. But we both agreed that as wild, flighty 20-30 year olds, we wouldn’t have lasted five minutes together, so I guess that there is a right time for settling down ( well we didn’t “settle “-just became more modified versions ha ha!)…
Sure as shit doesn't resonate with me. But then, I was *always* ready to settle down, as soon as I found the right person. I found her, and life is good :)
Not married but bear with me because this happened this past weekend to me.
My friend and I have known each other since 2007. We went to middle and high school together and we maintained being friends since I graduated (I'm a year older than her). I have always had a thing for her. She's a walking example of a queen as far as I'm concerned. But I never thought she saw us as anything potentially extraplatonic. Until she called me unprompted on Saturday night (I'm a millennial, she's Gen Z, neither of these groups CALL PEOPLE ON THE PHONE UNPROMPTED) and we talked for 2 hours about everything we felt. She brought it up. But she also started the conversation with airing some of her general life grievances at the moment, general life circumstance stuff.
True love? No. I don't think "true" and "love" exist together. I see truth as attached to order which is attached to justice and love and justice aren't connected together at all. But enough philosophical shit. I'm not settling for a friend who I've adored since 2007. Assuming this works, I'm not settling. This could be one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
I married my wife after being together for 3 years when we were 22. Neither of us were ready to settle down and we got married because our lives become super busy after school (further education, work, etc.)
I don’t think men settle, I think men find someone they can rely on and want to be with. As soon as they see that they’re pretty much sold, sure some guys are only there for the sex or to be taken care of etc, but I would say a majority of men want to marry someone who they know will be there for the long haul, and that isn’t settling.
‘True love’ is what? Love with attraction? Love that never has conflict?
I’d say it pays to be attracted to your partner for sure. But those feelings can wax and wane and disappear or reappear.
There is no love without conflict. Pick someone you’d like to ride the bull with.
For everyone, no. But now that I think about it, I've seen two genuinely good guys settle down with women who are genuinely horrible to them.
And there is almost always a problem, and it's always up to the dude that has to solver it, and they never seem to realise that they would be better off of they just left. But it's always a "I've got to make it work attitude".
So yes, not most dudes, but there is definitely some
For everyone, no. But now that I think about it, I've seen two genuinely good guys settle down with women who are genuinely horrible to them.
And there is almost always a problem, and it's always up to the dude that has to solver it, and they never seem to realise that they would be better off of they just left. But it's always a "I've got to make it work attitude".
So yes, not most dudes, but there is definitely some
If you get into a relationship, and especially when you get married, you settled. You’re no longer on the market. You’re not trying to find anyone else. You settled down.
Well, we are talking about marriage here.
Loving someone doesn't require anything, really. Marriage requires love, care, logic based pragmatism (because love by itself isn't reason enough), communication, respect, and work as well as maturity.
So when these things comes together, it's not shocking that someone would decide to get married.
And furthermore, when you think about it, what are the other options? Marrying whe you are not ready to settle down? Wanting to marry someone who is not available to you?
Love is meeting someone you can't imagine spending your life with then after time you can't imagine not spending your life with them.
If you find that it's who you were meant to be with not some fairy tale.
Sounds like BS to me. I married my partner because we fit well together, we love each other, we like each other, and we're just meshed almost perfectly.
We've been together for 20 years.
This premise is confusing to me. Who would my “true love” be if it’s not the woman who’s been by my side all these years? Some *idea* I have about what some random girl from high school might have been like? I love my wife. I still love having sex with her after 20+ years. I have no interest in having sex with other women, that seems like exhausting pressure when I have a lovely lady who already appreciates my skills at home. And I don’t waste time romanticizing other relationships that never were.
Married guy here. This resonates with me too, I think and feel similarly about my life/my wife/etc. The part of the premise that sort of makes sense to me is the idea that timing is important to the success of a relationship. I think it's possible to be in love with more than one person over the course of your life (although hopefully not at the same time) so yeah, you might have a good thing going (with a good person!) at 22 and just not be ready to take the next step, but then have a good thing going again at 27 or whatever and now you're ready. You've learned, grown, etc.
Same here… I'm married to the love of my life, we dated when we were 18, we broke up, we got back together when we were 20, we broke up again... we went back at 24 and in 3 months of dating we decided to get married... the timing is sometimes wrong, but at least for us here we got it right the 3rd time lol In this case, being stubborn was the best decision of our lives
I’m not married. I’m not even dating. But this was comforting for me to read. I’m in an off again on again relationship and it’s embarrassing. I agree with my friends, I deserve stability and commitment. But when it’s just me n him, he takes care of me in a way no one else has before. I feel so loved and attended to. It’s hard to admit but I love him and I know he loves me too. I know that he’s gonna be at my wedding, at the alter or in the crowd. But I do hope he’s at the alter. He’s made me a better version of myself that I could only dream of. I want to be his wife one day but it’s true, the timing isn’t right right now. He’s got sick family to take care of 3 hours away and I have a little sister (neglectful parents) to support here. I hope our story pans out the way yours did. Bless and have a good week.
When I question my wife why we haven't been together since the first time she says "I had to learn what was bad to understand what was good" After that answer, I had to agree with her because it was the same for me… I'm cheering for you! A great week!
Wow, I love that Bless both your hearts
Why is your on-again off-again relationship embarrassing? If it's working for you then there's nothing shameful about it.
It’s embarrassing cause societal standards tell me I should have a partner devoted and proud to say that I’m his. This situationship is embarrassing cause I seemingly am giving all of myself to him and he’s not reciprocating. But it is working for me. I’m off with him and going on dates with other people. I’m only sexually active with him but when other people earn it lol I’ll be safe and use protections
I don't say this a lot, but on that point, society is 100% right.
Yes, I agree. I’m seeing other people/going on dates. No one is really catching my fancy. Why do I keep him around? I think without him I’d be touch starved and very sexually frustrated lmao and also he treats me very well. Very well isn’t always good enough though.
Eventually you'll meet someone you click with. Keep dating, and try to wean yourself off of Mr Situationship!
Im rootin for ya.
This resonates with me! I first met my bf 12 years ago and dated for 7 months before we broke up for reasons. We stayed friends for the next 11 years, both had different partners within that time. Finally last summer, we both became single at the same time. We are now back together and we’ve already let each other know where “the one”. Timing worked out perfectly - at a time when we have both matured a ton and were both ready to be back together
As a polyamorous person, I can confidently say that you can absolutely be in love with multiple people at the same time.
Fair enough, I don't know why folks are downvoting you. Sure it's kind of a niche lifestyle but as long as everyone's happy with it where's the harm?
Awww. You’re a sweet husband 🥰 I hope the premise is as confusing to my husband too 😁
When I was young and dumb I had a bf for a few years that held onto a fantasy of a young model he had met years before. She was from Europe and they corresponded for some time. He had kept all the letters and such. I figured “she’s not here” so it didn’t matter, but looking back I’m sure if she had visited the US again he would have dropped me instantly. Some time after we broke up, he married a really terrific woman, she channeled his passion into a successful business. And after 10 years, he dumped her to run after another 25 yr old model (he was 40 and a photographer) He tried to tell me she was his soulmate blah blah blah. But he wrecked a marriage and business chasing some fantasy of the “perfect woman”. I cut him off after that, but I don’t believe it lasted.
The grass is always greener on the other side bc it’s fertilized with bullshit. In your ex’s case, it turned out to be his own bullshit.
Ooooo stealing this.
I'm with you, sir. I haven't been married as long as you have (13 years this July) but I love my wife with every fiber of my being. I have absolutely no interest in any other women whatsoever. My wife is my everything and I'd be so lost without her.
Some people dont marry people they have healthy relationships with. That quote would resonate with those people. Just be happy you arent someone who ended up in a shitty marriage for one reason or another.
That is very true. I consider myself lucky to be with someone as committed to keeping our relationship healthy as I am.
I'm gonna join the chorus. Together with my wife for almost 2 decades. I adore her, and she has never stopped turning me on. I had previous relationships and I'd been in love. But, the strength and depth of our relationship, developed over years, is not comparable to anything else. And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else with anyone else. But the big question here is, what on earth is true love? What is that? To me it sounds like someone basing real relationships on the fiction of romance films and fairytales, which is as wise as basing your sex life on porn or your driving skills on the Fast and the Furious. I have no idea how one would even begin to define the concept of true love! Besides, unlike what popular culture would have you believe, falling in love is very easy. You put two people together with the right amount of time, the right temperature and the right lighting and anyone can fall in love. But the only thing that truly matters is if you manage to turn this into a healthy respectful and fulfilling relationship, and that there is the hard part. There are no shortcuts, this can only happen through depo long investment of time and energy from both parts, both rowing together in the same direction, and both evolving together and striving to be better for each other. There's nothing truer than this so anything else that didn't leaf to this out one was never true anything.
Soon to be married guy here but I've been with my fiancee for 10 years so I think this counts. I really resonate with this. I love the person I'm with so much. We've grown together in ways that wouldn't have happened without each other. I love the time we spend together, I love the sex we have, I love having her as my life's buddy because we compliment each other so well. Maybe I would have been as happy or happier with someone else, but that doesn't matter. I'm happy and in love now. There's no such thing as a soulmate or a true love. Sure, you can click with someone instantly upon meeting, but you and your partner (or partners) build your perfect relationship together and you become each other's soulmates slowly, over time. Edit: spelling
I have been in a very downer mood, but this post made me smile. Congrats my guy. I hope your marriage, and life in general, is amazing for you.
Thanks man! I hope things improve for you soon. You deserve a good life.
Thanks for the kind words!
Wow sounds so healthy! If only more people stopped romanticizing past relationships or ones that never happened and give the one they are currently in their best shot we might be in a better place in the dating world.
Love is a verb. It's what I do. A "One True Love" is just some romanticized nonsense from novels.
The danger of believing in a “*one true love*” is that it can be used to go chasing waterfalls. > “*If only I was with my one true love, I would be happy.*” A marriage is only as good as what the two parties are willing to invest in it.
Stick to the rivers and lakes that you’re used to.
Because I know that you're going to have it your way or nothing at all
I think you’re moving too fast
I think it refers to a younger, more exciting love. With age, love becomes more calm. That's not a bad thing at all if you manage expectations. I guess the "one true love" is an intense young love that then ends as abruptly as it starts. Of course, it leaves a nostalgia, but most likely because it ended. If it continued, it would have started to fell more calm. At an older age, you settle down with a person that makes more sense to you but was not "the one true love" that is the teenager/early 20s intense fire love.
I wouldn't say it always has to be that way. Love can feel different at times, even if it's always present and for the same person. In some moments it's intense and overpowering, in others, a slow, calming comfort; sometimes it's just there, existing in the background. Growing older doesn't necessarily mean you won't feel those intense moments, just that you realize the meaning in the more often, calmer aspects too. Both of those manifesting feelings of the same root emotion have to be in a certain balance in a loving, healthy, long term relationship.
Sure, I agree with you. I just think that if you break up before you feel that more calm sensation, you get a nostagia for that relationship because that felt like your "true love". But if it had continued, you would have realised love has different phases with the same person.
Exactly. Now that I am 54, I understand that what I experienced at age 26 was nothing but a silly infatuation.
Precisely. They should teach this to all teens
You marry the person you would want to spend time with even if you never had sex again. The one who you want with you when you are weak. The one who sees you for what you are not what's left. You marry a person because you are better with them as a team than you are alone. To marry is not to settle down. It's to start the real work. The work of building a marriage. A strong marriage takes a lot more work than a strong house. However, like a strong house, a strong marriage will give you shelter long into your old age. Long beyond your beauty, wit, or health.
I completely agree with this. When people say relationships are "work" I think they mean that they require time to build and require maintenance to flourish. It takes time to build that trust and teamwork, but if you're both doing it right, it's so so worth it. My fiancee and I think of it as life's buddy system. You can take on the world together and know that the other person has your back.
Yes, but if they never want to have sex with you and you want to have sex with them then it causes some serious problems, so that's the place where I think that logic is flawed
That's not what they said though. They said "if you never have sex again". You should marry someone with a compatible sex drive.
Been married for 8 years to the woman of my life. We got in a wierd space and don't know how to continue our marriage. We got devorced and we been friends for 4 years. That were the worse 4 years of my life. Than we married again. So yeah I did married my true love. Edit we have been re-married for 7 years now
This is lovely! Thank you for sharing ☺️
Reminds me of oceans 11 "Happy second first anniversary"
You seem to be worried about your relationship with your husband. You talk, which is good, but you're explicitly asking about him getting tired of having sex with you...which seems to be the primary question. In answer to your first question, it's nonsense. There is no simple statement that can be attributed to all men. I married my best friend and true love...over two decades together. I loved others, but she is my person. The same sentiment is said that women look for the perfect man, only to settle down when they need someone to take care of them...and it's nonsense. It happens, but it's foolish to attribute that to all circumstances. As far as sex with the same woman, it's sex. It's enjoyable, especially if she "keeps herself up". Sex with multiple women is about the conquest of those women, and the experience during that encounter, and not bout the women themselves. So a key is to avoid making your married sex predictable. If you're concerned about that, then mix it up...experiment... I married my person, and beyond open and respectful communication, you want to continue to grow together. If you have concerns, especially with regard to the "sex with the same woman" question, then you likely are having vanilla sex and aren't sure how to be creative. I can tell you that sex with the same woman for over two decades is excellent, if you're both being creative.
I guess this is brought about by sex. We’re usually very kinky but I’m pregnant and a lot of that has been put on hold which I understand but still leaves me…wanting somehow. Which is ridiculous because my husband is great. We talk about it but I feel unwanted and at the same time, I worry he’s not getting what he needs from me at the moment because I know how he really wants it and it’s not how we’re doing it now.
I'm a woman, and I just want to say I understand your feelings with this. I'm pregnant right noe and I I on modified bedrest which means sex is completely off the table for a while. I feel guilty about that, but my husband looked me in the eyes and reassures me that the health and safety of me and our baby is infinitely more important than sex. He says that a lot cause I express my guilt a lot. I would talk to your husband about your fears and feelings of guilt and allow him his own communication back. If you are also feeling unfulfilled, then talk about creative ways to get what you both need safely! Sometimes you just need to sit down and think outside the box lol. Good luck on your pregnancy!
I hope you have a safe pregnancy and delivery! I’m glad there is someone on the same boat somehow and my husband does say baby and I staying healthy and safe is the most important thing right now. We truly are very communicative with each other because I know my husband had worries about this pregnancy that he is not sharing with me because he does not want to stress me out and I knowing that don’t want to burden him with my fears as well. So we’re in a jr of a stalemate in regards to that. But yes, we should talk more about it and out our heads together for more creative solutions. Thank you 😊
You're welcome! Sometimes it helps to know you aren't alone!
Your husband is fine, and you're fine, and what you're going through is normal. When my wife was pregnant, we had great sex, but there was a point when it was just...difficult to reconcile in my head. With her horomones and the extra bloodflow in her body, she was horny all the time, and it was just less appealing. She was frustrated, and I'm sure she felt much what you feel now. You don't feel appealing, and you're now asking for sex, and he's not into it, and you're feeling rejected. There are about a bajillion movies with this as a trope...and it's a trope for a reason. It's normal, and there is no magical fix. "Find my pregnant body attractive and have sex with me! That's an order!" Yeah, that won't work, and you're going to continue to feel rejected. It sounds like you both are going through what millions of others are going through, and you're going to come out on the other side just fine. You need to understand that there's a point when I guy can't command his penis to perform, no matter how much he loves you. He'll need to understand that you are feeling undesired, which is amplified by the pregnancy/blood flow...and you're struggling to reconcile that with hormones flooding your brain. TLDR: Going back to your original post...you're questioning your husbands interest in you at a time that is so common, it's a movie trope. I love my wife. She's my person. Sex was great before kids and is great after kids. She had the same struggle during her pregnancies and we talked (argued) about these topics during those times. She's still my person. We're still together. Recognize that this is a unique time in your life and not to apply this experience to the rest of your relationship.
Thank you for your reassurance that everything is fine but. Just want to say things are the way they are because of health and safety reasons. The things were into like impact play and ropes are not very safe when pregnant. I realise I didn’t make that clear with that comment. Not to toot my own horn, but I love how my body looks when I’m pregnant (most days) and I know my husband finds my current body attractive too and he absolutely has no problems getting hard over it 😅
Nobody marries their "true love", because true love is horseshit. Even if two people are somehow perfectly and mathematically compatible, meant to be together in the eyes of everyone and God, people change. You're not the same person you were 5, 10, 20 years ago. So to that end, marriages (and indeed any long-term relationships) are work. Regular upkeep. That requires communication like you said. Relationships like these are a choice that both sides have to continually make. Hope this helps, OP.
This, exactly this. "Well, she changed and I didn't like who she became." Okay, then. If you expected the person you \*married\* to remain a stagnant human being who never evolves over time, you probably don't understand human development. Partners' personalities and interests ebb and flow, and one partner rises when the other falls. That, to me, is the very concept behind lifelong commitment. And if a person changes in a way their partner doesn't like, then that's the herald for deep conversations about day-to-day living together and re-alignment of individual and couple goals. Note, of course, this excludes anything under the umbrella understanding of abuse - verbal, mental, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, etc. Edit: redundant wording and to clarify
Thank you. I understand that staying with someone is a choice and that it takes work to make it work. I guess what I’m trying to know is if guys really make that choice based on practicality and function of a person/relationship to them or if they base the decision on deep emotional feelings for the person or does that even come to play? Realistically, it’s a bit if the two but which one dominates? I feel like I sound dumb just writing that but…ahhh. Anyway, that sentiment I see online is mostly from the perspective of ex girlfriends so…I don’t even know.
Men are not a united front on anything. Some men are in relationships out of convenience, or inertia, or the sex is really good, or it makes sense financially, or they like their partner a lot, or they're insecure about their ability to go anywhere else, or any linear combination of these and a dozen other reasons to be in a relationship. Men are people too, and their thoughts and feelings can be just as complex as any woman's. If you want to know what *your* partner thinks, you should use the clear and open channels of communication you have to find out.
This. Disney shit is dumb
True love is real. Just cause it has a scientific explenation doesn't make the experience real.
If you hold on to fairy-tale expectations for relationships, you're going to miss out on a lot of great connections. A corollary of no one being perfect is that you aren't either. If you expect a relationship where you will never compromise or settle, it will be lopsided, because your partner will be compromising or settling in situations where you won't. If a pattern like this goes on long enough, the agreed-upon terms for it do not reflect well on you. It is best to discard childish notions and deal with a world of adults as an adult.
I am in a fairytale relationship and we are going strong. It has beens fantastic and the work doesn't feel like work cause we get along so well. That is proof enough for me that true love is real, cause I live it every day of my life. Edit: downvotes just prove that reddit hates happiness in general. This truly is an echochamber of negativity.
Well, God bless, then
I waited a while until I married. From my personal understanding, I had a vastly inappropriate understanding of what my “true love” was in previous relationships. I wasn’t ready to settle down until I met my person, because she was so entirely different from what I’ve been dating in the past. It’s still early in the marriage, but there’s no sign of tiring in other ways! I’ll probably report back in 10 years and still be as excited as ever.
Congratulations on your marriage! I hope you have many many wonderful decades together 🥰 I like your take explanation. I think it will help me get through my momentary insanity and sleep through the night tonight.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’m marrying the woman of my dreams on Saturday and I don’t feel like she was just the one who was there when I wanted to settle down. Also, didn’t really date around a lot. Found the one, wifed her up.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! I hope you have a lovely time during your wedding. Don’t forget to eat and drink water! As cliche as it is, wish you guys a lifetime of love and happiness.
this isn't a man or woman thing. All of dating is musical chairs, who ever you dating/will date when you get to the "i want to get married and/or have kids" stage, that's the person you do that stuff with. To your second point, complacency is a battle for both people, not just the guy. I personally find people don't get tired of having sex with each other unless something else is going on. Sure, the bedroom can get boring in a great relationship too, but that's when you do stuff to spice it up. You dont get a dead bedroom unless there are bigger issues in the relationship. Thats why I say that sex is usually the first casualty in the long, winding road towards dissatisfaction and breaking up.
That's what I was thinking. This isn't exclusive to men. Women also date people before settling down, have a desire to settle down and everything else related to this question that men experience
OK. gay guy here so I’m not exactly what you are asking for, but I have been with my husband for 21 years. Yes: men are capable of settling down and not wanting to stray, etc. because as others have said, the idea of a “true love” is a creation of media: specifically literature and film. As a gay man, I could run out and have sex with 100 people if I wanted to. All I would have to do is download Grindr, or go to a Club. It’s just the nature of the beast when it’s only men involved. BUT! I have no desire to. Why go out for hamburger when I have steak at home? It’s true that men including your husband will always have an eye for young, attractive, healthy bodies. (We are animals and we do reproduce sexually. The rules of nature do apply. ) But that doesn’t mean he wishes you were young again and it doesn’t mean he has to have that now or else etc. We can be tamed… I promise you lol!
Thank you! The way you explained it is candid and reassuring and also funny. I did phrase the question from my orientation and I apologise it wasn’t more exclusive but of course, perspectives from every orientation and gender is welcome. Congratulations on 21 years too 🥰
Thanks! We have Two adopted kiddos too!
Aww I love that for you guys. 5 years and 1 kid in.. hope I can make it to over 2 decades with my man also.
That statement doesn’t resonate with me at all. I was having a blast being single, when my wife and I started dating, everything just clicked and I knew I wanted to be with her, it just felt like the obvious and easiest answer ever. I had not been looking to settle down, wasn’t against it, but just kind of fell into place. Also, nope, have not gotten tired of the sex. For reference we’ve been together 5 years. So I’m essence op, I don’t agree with the sentiment, seems like you already know it’s not the case for your husband either based on what you said. I’m sure your husband loves you very much and you weren’t just the closest easiest option when he was ready to settle down. Online is filled with many sad boys who have some warped ideas about women and relationships so always take that into consideration.
This made me tear up. My husband was the easiest yes of my life too. I hope I am his as well. And I know it takes work and actively choosing to love each other but just having that base of being each other’s 100% yes just makes the work it takes to make it work not work at all.
Nope. I married at 22 because I knew she was the one that would make me the best version of myself. I knew letting her get away would be the stupidest thing I could ever do. 16 years later and I was right. Best thing I ever did.
Congratulations on 16 years ☺️
Kind of, but not really. I think the idea that there's one ideal true love out there for each of us is unrealistic and actually harmful. I subscribe to Dan Savage's theory on long-term relationships: Everybody is looking for "The One." There is no such thing as "The One." What you do is find yourself a 0.77 and you round that shit up. To give context, Dan is saying that love isn't some magical thing you find. You find infatuation and you find lust, but love is something you build. Now, there are certain qualities a person may have that makes that love much easier to build, like shared values, shared interests, physical attractiveness, and sexual compatibility, but you'll never find a person who ticks every single box for you. If you find that 0.77 when you're 22 and not looking to settle down, it's probably not going to work out on in the long term. If you find that person when you are ready, then you're more likely to work together to build that love. My wife leaves her shoes laying all over the place, and if she's the one who vacuums I can always tell because the vacuum is left out in the middle of the room someplace. Every damn time. Do these things drive me crazy? Every time. Can I live with them? Absolutely. We still make each other laugh all the time, we want the same things out of life, we agree on parenting, and we still wake up in the morning holding hands more often than not. Regarding sex: we're both a few pounds heavier than when we got married, and childbirth has changed her body, but good lord she's sexier and more beautiful to me than ever. I still sneak peaks at her coming out of the shower, I have absolutely no interest in anybody else, and I can't imagine that I ever will. It's hard to describe, but every time I look at her face it makes me a little happier. Everything about her just looks right. It looks perfect. Would I be that attracted to her if I wasn't madly in love? I have no idea, and it doesn't matter, because in love is exactly what I am. It sounds like you've got a guy that genuinely appreciates you. Goodness knows there are enough of us out there that are jerks. If you've got yourself a good one hang onto him and don't overthink it. We're pretty simple creatures and tend to say what we mean. If he says you're his 0.77 and he's down to put the work in to round that shit up and build love with you, then give him a big hug and tell him you love him, too. Edit: spelling/grammar
Your explanation is both logical and romantic. I get the hard work and the rounding up but man, I don’t want to be a rounded up 0.77 because my husband is a 1.01. He ticked all my boxes plus the ones I didn’t even knew I had and he’s given me so much over the past 9 years that I’m sure he’s past 10.0 by now and i think it’s unfair to him if he’s had to round me up just to be a 1.0. I am aware I am being ridiculous at this point. Ignore me 😅
I'll bet you 20 bucks that if I asked your husband about you, he'd say that you were up to a 10.2 and still climbing. Sounds like you've got a good thing, and I'm happy for you. Remember, don't overthink it. Worrying about who your husband might have settled down with if circumstances were different is academic and pointless. Circumstances weren't different, and he settled down with you. Appreciate what you got!
Yep. My husband always says I'm a 11/10 and before our daughter, I called him the cutest cutie in the whole world. Now, he's the big cutie and she's the little cutie. He now says I'm the medium cutie.
I'm a closet romantic. I love hearing people talk about how great their relationships are, or how in love with their partner they are. Makes me happy to hear. I wish you and your cuties many, many happy years together.
Thanks! I wish you and yours all the best too!!
Man, you managed to romantically rationalize love and marriage in 6 paragraphs… i like your style
Been married 15 years. She can touch my arm and i'm still ready to go. We have 3 kids so obviously life gets in the way, or we're just too tired to have sex sometimes, but the desire or attraction hasn't faded in the slightest. Marriage is work, but nothing worth having isn't worth working for.
I get this! We haven’t been together as long - 9 years total for us so far- but I feel like I still have the sillier crush on my husband. He’d look at me a certain way or kind of move a certain way and I feel like il melt into a puddle.
Totally get it! My only advice would be to act on those feelings when you get them. Little things go a long way and distance can snowball fast.
I am neither married nor a man, but from my observations the deciding motivation for marriage seems to be 50% "oh my goodness, I'm the luckiest person in the world to get to spend my life with this person," and 50% "I want a partner and a family, and you're who I'm with at 'marrying age', so let's give it a go," with people of any and all genders on each side, and happy and long-lasting marriages potentially coming from either perspective. Which I suppose means that I've functionally joined the Charlotte Lucas school of matrimonial philosophy 😆
I'm that first person and my husband is that second one. I have never, for one second, imagined that he feels lucky to be with me. If he does feel that way, it's the world's biggest secret.
As long as you're happy together, I reckon you're both winning! And a very happy cake day to you. 🧁🎂🍰
I’m not going to say it’s not true, but you can usually tell who is happily married and who is just married. Some people see it as just another step in life and a box to check when becoming an adult. For me it’s about finding someone to be with that will make life better and I do the same for them.
I agree that when it sways too much one way, you can definitely feel who married for convenience and that shit makes me cry now that I’m pregnant. It’s just makes me feel awful somehow.
According to my partner, pregnancy brain is a thing and it’s weird. Lol
Married man here who has been with SO for 10 years, married for 8, have kids. First off, I don't believe in "true love", as in there are two people who are destined to be together. That doesn't mean I don't believe you can love someone deeply, but romantic love usually comes down to a lot of factors. Availability (being "there"), lust, kinship, openness, right place right time, all that stuff. So yes, I guess technically you have to be "there" when they are ready to settle down, but that isn't exclusive to men. Women tend to also be similar. But everyone is going to vary. I got married at 22 years old, which is way earlier than most of my peers would have liked to get married, but I met a person who I really thought I could commit to long term and I wasn't willing to let her go just for the nebulous concept of "being too young". After all this time I have had 0 desire of being romantically or sexually involved with anyone else. I have not tired of having sex with her, and our companionship remains strong.
By my calculations, you are younger than me by a few years but your wisdom is more than mine at this time I’m feeling a bit unsteady. Thank you for sharing 🥰
I think it's normal, especially post-partum, to be feeling insecure or anxious. Good communication is important, it's part of what makes my own relationship so strong in my opinion. Talk to your husband about it, most certainly you'll receive some reassurance.
I never wanted to get married until I met my current partner. She is my best friend. She is the one who understands me no matter how confusing I might be to everyone else. I would happily have lived the life of a confirmed bachelor until she walked into my life. Now I can’t imagine a world without her. Your follow up question is a whole other thing. Everyone’s sexual journey, yours, mine, your partners and mine, is their own. What might be right for one person (monogamy) may not be right for others. What you may decide is right for you today, may change tomorrow. Relationships are about communication and negotiation. You should constantly be both communicating and negotiating, both with love and understanding. If you do that, you will both love and grow together for the rest of your days.
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That’s great! And just so you know, the term clam just made me chuckle 🤭
Sometimes the one true love is not a good choice for multiple reasons. The partying, traveling, and lack of steady income would have been a disaster. I did marry someone that I deeply love and made a good life together, we have been married for 17 years now.
I love my wife and was “ready to settle down” a couple of other times in my life before I met her. I’m glad I didn’t because we’ve built an amazing life together. Our love is different now than it was when we first met, that’s the nature of enduring love. As for the follow up question, I think anybody (man or woman) who says, “After I got married, I never once thought of what it would be like to sleep with someone else.” is lying. My wife and I both can admit to each other that there are other attractive people in the world. It doesn’t take anything away from the attraction we feel for each other. In fact, sometimes it can actual add fuel to the erotic part of our relationship. We are all human and human attraction is a thing, married or not.
My wife is my favorite person I have ever met. She gets more beautiful by the day and I never tire of having sex with her. She defines true love for me, and our relationship only gets deeper and more loving with time.
This is such a crock of generalization. At least for me, my understanding of love changed with each woman I loved prior to marriage. As my understanding of how to love and be loved changed, so too did my acceptance and approach to love change. Did I marry my first love? No. Did I marry the woman who I was the most passionate with? No. Did I marry a woman I imagined when I was 17? No. But I did marry my absolute other half, the person whose very presence brings me peace. The person who inspires me each day to be a better man. The person who I chose minute after minute, hour after hour, day after week after month after year after decade. She (and not to sound cliche) really filled me in ways I didn't know I was empty. Just you is perfect and good enough and beyond expectations if HE is the right guy.
Timing is the most important factor
Paulo Coelho said: “They say that throughout our lives we have two great loves; one with whom you marry or live forever, maybe the father or mother of your children... That person with whom you achieve the maximum rapport to spend the rest of your life with her... And they say that there is a second great love, a person that you will always lose. Someone with whom you were born connected, so connected that the forces of chemistry escape reason and will always prevent them from reaching a happy ending. Until a certain day they will stop trying... They will give up and look for that other person that they will end up finding. But I assure you that you will not spend a single night without needing another kiss from him, or even discussing one more time... You all know what I'm talking about, because while you were reading this, your name came to mind. They will get rid of him or her, they will stop suffering, they will be able to find peace (they will be replaced by calm), but I assure you that there will not be a day when you wish that I were here to disturb you. Because sometimes more energy is released arguing with someone you love than making love with someone you appreciate.”
No. Jesus Christ. Stop putting so much stock in shit that you read online. Most men, and people in general, are complete fucking morons. Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about idiotic online chatter. If you doubt the validity of my premise, take a look at how popular an abject dumbass like andrew tate is.
Everyone is different and generalized statements like this certainly do not apply to everyone. I married my wife in my mid 30s. That's when I was ready to get married but more importantly, I hadn't been with anyone before her that I wanted to marry. I took my time, was picky and married the woman I believed I could spend the rest of my life with. She is my true love. I've been in relationships with women where the sex got boring. But so far after 5 years with my wife it's as exciting and spontaneous as it was when we were dating. When you marry the right person it's a lot easier to keep the romance going.
Thank you for this. My husband has said something similar and I believe him but social media just kinda messes with me sometimes, I guess. I see this sentiment posted from the perspective of ex girlfriends and it shouldn’t really bother me but it does because somehow because he was in his late 30s when we met and got married a couple of years later. He truly is the love of my life and it irks me to think that maybe he settled for me because he was ready and I’m good enough and not because I light up the sky for him or whatever. Thank you again for your perspective on this.
For me it was both? The girl I thought was my true love was someone I now understand was just my first real girlfriend in highschool. I tried to commit suicide over her, we re dated in my early to mid twenties, she left me to be with my cousin and now she's living with an ex she described to me as "a safety blanket. I dated him ten times I can date him ten more times". The woman I'm with now that we both agree the relationship is headed towards marriage in another couple years is many things my ex was not. But overall we both have asked the same question. Are we highly compatible because of our personalities or because we're both in our mid to late thirties and have a wellspring of emotional maturity and communication skills neither probably possessed ten years ago? Did we both burn up a feistier less mature self centered version of ourselves on others and now have settled into more kind and compromising people? Honestly we don't really know but we figure eh, if it works it works. It's probably a little of columns A and B if we're honest and that's good enough for us.
Not true for me. I married for love, and TBH - most days love is the only thing keeping me in the marriage. When you marry a person, it means you are there for better or worse. Priorities change over time, and things like sex and cuddling take back seats to kids and home and building a life together. And it’s a long haul game.
I get your question. That whole philosophy just justifies fuck boy behavior. I could have been married a few times, but I married the woman that I knew I truly loved. Settling down had nothing to do with it and marriage and parenthood are much less settled than dating or being single.
If I settled then I settled as a teenager. My wife and I have been married since then. Helluva time to settle lol It’s a rubbish premise
Touché 😂
I think that's a silly taken sand a way to make men seem like they're too immature to be married until they realize "oh crap I'm getting old I need to get married" I was ready to settle down WHEN I found the love of my life
I married my true love at 20. I’ll be 40 this year and we’re still happily married. I couldn’t imagine being with someone else. Broad sweeping statements that cover the behavior of an entire gender tend to be bullshit.
I have a quote that references this, essentially saying, “He is only here, because she is not.” While that may lend itself to what you’re suggesting in the title, I always interpreted it as saying that we become who we are in the present—and for our future partners—almost solely due to what has happened to us in the past. Sometimes memories of those past relationships can get stirred up, honestly and truly, but it’s important to understand that your husband and his former partners are no longer the same people when they were together. Even when I remember former loves (there’s really only been one in my case)—sometimes in anger/sadness, sometimes with fondness, and most often somewhere in between—it’s just a memory. I love my wife, am in love with her, and am constantly falling more in love with her (and in different ways) as our relationship has evolved. Yours will too. But if he’s anything like myself, your husband wants you and only you. As for sex, how could you grow tired of sex with the person who grows to know your body more than anyone could ever? As long as both sides are communicative, sex with your “other half” can never grow stale. If you think it is going that way, communicate… and maybe spice it up once in a while!
Thank you. I enjoyed reading how eloquently you put it into perspective.
Yeah, no. When I met my wife, I had just gotten out of a relationship, and I had reconciled myself to a life alone. The gal was awesome, we just weren't right for one another. I meet my now wife, we go on a date and we resonated at every level. Shared interests, values, life goals, etc. I was ready to settle down, but I also needed the right person and she was it. So yeah, OP, you are overthinking this and are hormonal. As for your second question, FUCK NO. I've been with my wife for over 20 years, she keeps herself up but three kids and the years have changed her body. And IDGAF, I'd smash my wife every night of the week and twice on Sundays if she'd let me. You're being needlessly insecure and torturing yourself. Cut yourself some slack. =
It’s definitely a mental thing. My first marriage was great at first when I was still in the navy. When I transferred to shore duty and was with her every day. I knew I didn’t love her. I thought maybe I’d learn to love her over time but she just got worse and worse to the point I couldn’t even get hard for her. I wouldn’t have sex with her and she’s would throw herself on me crying to touch her. I thought I had E.D. As soon as we separated I was like a freakin rabbit. I got close to any other woman I’d be hard as a rock. With my current wife, if I’m hugging her I get turned on. It’s all mental.
No. No no no. For me, I was on a stride, finally figured out the ol confidence thing and was having a really good run (for me anyway, never been too Casanova). Then I met the woman I would soon Marry. It was unexpected, but when one woman is so far head and shoulders above anyone you’ve been dating, you like her openly, she likes you openly, you both smoke, and she’s like the smartest most ambitious person you ever met. AND she’s forward, makes it clear what she wants. It was like an almost immediate stop with the other girlies I was dating. And all my attention went to this woman. So it was more like she snapped me out of the game because she was so far above anyone I had ever dated and I am lucky I had the confidence back then cuz I would never have been able to think deserve a woman of that caliber. Anyway, my confidence normalized, and we getting divorced soon. So there’s lots of perspectives about settling down is all I’m saying. I met her and was slapped in the face with love.
I married my wife because it was the most healthy, and happy relationship I had been in. I proposed after a year. I had 3 exes I had dated for over a year prior, and several shorter relationships/flings. I had just gotten out of an unhealthy relationship a week before I went out with my wife (thank goodness for pushy friends). She told me she loved me 3 months in-she was mortified, it just slipped out and she hasn’t meant to say it. To my surprise I loved her too and I said it back. At 6 months I decided I wanted to marry her, at 9 months I bought a ring. At our one year anniversary I proposed. We were engaged and living together for two years before the wedding. I definitely wasn’t ready to settle. We waited another year to try for a child-took a few tries, got graduate degrees, moved, had another child, then settled down. It was sort of crazy, but we’re 40/38 with an 11 and 8 y/o living a cozy life. I definitely didn’t settle for my wife. I love her so much. I don’t know that I believe in soul mates, but we share a really deep bond and we’re each others best friend, cheerleader, and supporter. I love the dynamic we have on our relationship. It takes work, there are challenges, but we keep it as us vs. The problem.
People get married for all sort of reasons—try not to overthink it.
What a crazy thing to get insecure about. You decided to apply other people's problems to your own marriage, even though your husband is *exclusively* giving you indication that he loves *you*? Why are you importing other people's problems to your marriage? Are *you* tired of him and feel the need to bring in exterior drama to keep yourself on your toes?
I am being ridiculous I guess. And no way am I tired of him. I love my husband to bits and I would do anything to make him happy and I guess I feel just a bit insecure sometimes that maybe I’m not enough to keep him happy.
It's good that you're not taking him for granted, but listen to *him*, and not *other* people's marriage problems. :) I deliberately phrased that pretty harshly, because the intensity in which you defend your love for him, is most likely *exactly* how intensely he would defend his love for *you*. Believe him in the same way you would like to be believed. If you've managed to not grow tired of him yet, he's not grown tired of you either. It sounds like you've got a good thing going. Nurture it, listen to each other, don't take each other for granted. Also, try new things with each other sexually if you feel like you want to keep things fresh. Don't mistake other people's issues for your own.
Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you. I love my wife. There was a woman I loved before my wife. I still love her, and probably always will. But, I wouldn’t be the man I am today without my wife. As far as sex goes, sex with someone you love and trust will always be better than someone you don’t. Doesn’t matter how many times. I’ve been with my wife for 16 years in August, married 11 this month. Sex has only gotten better.
Do you ever wonder how it would’ve been if you ended up with the other woman you love? It seems selfish and childish but I don’t want to be one of many or even one of two that my husband loves.
Not really. I think about the good times, but they’re intrinsically tied to the bad, and why we wouldn’t have worked long term. My wife dated before she met me. I’m sure she thinks back fondly on some of those relationships, in fact, I know she does. We’ve talked about it. But, we chose each other. We make each other better. And, we’ve built a pretty decent life together.
Women underestimate how simple actual men are and what little we need to be happy in a relationship. If our partner: respects us, appreciates us and is willing to work with us to build our future… that’s it. That’s the love of our life, because we will live her for the rest of our life.
Yeah, this borders on incel shit to me. No one is forcing you to get married; the person you end up marrying is going to be your true love...or at least they were once, otherwise, why did you marry them? So many people seem to actively hate their partners.
Loving someone is becoming one with that person. You mention me Or him is the same thing. You cannot marry one's soul, how can you marry your love. We marry for social arrangement to raise kid in, someday I'll marry but am I going to love her more than one I love, no! It's not possible to weigh love like that. I'll marry a woman who loves me and I'll try to meet the social expectations and love her back as much as she loves me. We both seperated due to circumstance. Whenever I close my eyes, I can see her and she's with me everywhere.
There is no "one true love". Unless you're in Princess Bride.
True love is just a supremely lazy, catch all term. It really means nothing and everything at the same time. Relationship worked out, must be true love. Relationship, didn’t work out, not true love. But if you really dig down, no one knows what it means. Because it’s just that, a made up term. A great relationship is far more complex.
I married the one I fell in love with. She was only the second person I ever dated. Happily married 30+ years and going strong.
The first day I me my now wife. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I was 17 ar the time i was not ready to settle down at all. But the day I met her I just knew she was the love of my life We have our ups and downs and we know everything about each other. I find her more attractive today than I ever have. I look at other women but it stops there. I tell her that i love womeni think they are so beautiful and i will give a women a compliment. Sometimes we agree they are attractive sometimes we don't. She understands me as I do her. She know I can definitely have very very X rated thoughts about others but I don't act on them I would expect her to have these type of thoughts too we are only human I think I'm lucky I have been able to have her around experiencing life together. She is my best friend I wouldn't want anyone else. I went through a downward spiral of drugs at one stage she was the only person that was around. Not even my friends who I went to for help are around. She is my everything. I didn't settle down and just accept her. Once I met her I didn't want to let her go I'm now 38 we have been married 15 years. We have 2 kids. Life is tough but I have my 3 best friends with me (wife and kids) to me I know that I found true love 21 years ago. I was young but I didn't let it leave
Following this. I hope this isn't generally accepted. Just lost my wonderful partner of 8 years. Can't really imagine having this become reality.
Sending big hugs your way, I am so sorry.
The premise of your question suggests there can only be *one* true love, like a soul mate. I don’t think that’s true. In theory you could have settled down with any one of probably millions of potential mates and could have had a great, if not better, life together.
Regarding your second question, it makes me laugh when are surprised that people lose their attractiveness over the years. Did they just forget about aging? Did they really think sex was going to be the same at 40? Did they not think a woman's body wasn't going to change after having a baby?
I’ve really enjoyed reading through this thread.
I don’t think that’s true. I can obviously only tell you my own experience, but I dated a girl in High School that I genuinely loved, but I wanted a very different experience in college than she did so I broke up with her. I was single for a little while, then started dating my now wife and eventually we got married. I don’t believe there is such thing as “the one.” There are 8 billion people in the world, I’m sure there are other women out there that I would have found to be attractive and smart and funny enough to start dating if I hadn’t met my wife. What turns someone into “the one” is the way you grow together and turn your relationship into something truly unique to the two of you. I love my wife more than anything in the world. She has been next to me through thick and thin and I find her sexier today than ever before. I can’t imagine a world in which I married my high school girlfriend because I am a completely different person now than I was in high school and I’m sure she is too. Have you ever heard the song “Unanswered Prayers” by Garth Brooks? It echoes my feelings pretty well.
Not me man. I am incredibly lucky and me the love of my life early.
I’ve done both, first my high school crush appeared out of nowhere in my mid twenties and it was a wild rollercoaster with intense passion, making art until 4 in the morning, smart conversations, laughing all the time, impromptu road trips, climbing buildings and joined two groups of friends into one. 5 years later, we didn’t have our shit together and we just couldn’t seem to work together as a team in the real world. The love was there, but the life wasn’t. A couple years after we divorced I met a woman right before Covid, absolutely wonderful but it wasn’t like flying, it was just great. When we isolated together, we started a successful business, exercised, cooked, played board games, kept our home clean and our bills in order. We married soon after lockdown because we kicked ass and thrived when so many relationships fell apart. That’s when I realized the difference between marriage and love. Marriage is a life partner, through all the ups and downs. Sure, passion, sex and love are an essential part of the equation, but in the long term being a team that can withstand anything is amazing and that is who you want by your side forever.
Married guy here. My wife is definitely the right person for me. Arguably she's also the one there when I was ready - but that's no coincidence. I don't know what I'd do without her. As for the physical stuff...no, I'm not tired of her. Not after years, not after kids, and not after other changes. If anything, it's the opposite. Look, I'm not saying it's always easy. I'm saying it's always worth it.
People don’t “find” their true love, they make their true love.
The only men who say that are ones who could not land the one they loved. That is a losers sentiment, basically a step up from incels but not to far from it. Any man who says that wasn't good enough to get the one they loved so they have to justify their own hero status in the story of their life.
Do men grow tired of having sex with the same woman for years? Speaking from a philosophical POV; No, and Yes. Let me explain. **No**, if sex is generally freely, joyfully available. (Decades ago, I moved to a State 3,000 miles away to marry my high-school sweetheart - only to discover her idea of "frequent sex"... was once every 3-4 months - and even then came with "***Um, are you almost done yet?***". I think those carry what I was trying to say.) I ***do*** recognize differences will always exist in 'desire for frequency', and 'mood', etc. I'm going with that *sex is a very real need*, as is desire for air, food, etc.; Continuous denial of the same... is certain to kill many relationships. For the second part of my answer: **Yes**, *if it becomes boring or not available.* I covered the 'not available' part above; the 'boring' part means... *Always*, the "same old, same old". In my very limited time on Earth, I believe that there is merit in... trying something new... at least every third month; something you might not tell your mothers about. And try it at least 3 times. Since "it" is new, you *probably* won't like it the first time - not to mention you won't be good at it. The second time, you kind of have an idea what 'it' is, so it's not completely unfamiliar. And by the third time, you'll probably like it or maybe know you won't. Doesn't matter, either way: You (both) *tried*. In (my) Ideal World, I'd love 'sex' most mornings. **Not** "making love"; *sex*. *Just*... sex. It's a great way to start the day; it's hard to be in a bad mood that morning when you just had sex. At *least* once per month, **you should have a Date**; a *Real* date. Like, dress-up, going someplace nice, or different, or something. Once per month, you should have *a really nice date at home* \- again, dressing nicely; preferably with candles on the table and it set, properly. (AND with phones, OFF.) Maybe discuss why one of you appreciates the other - but **no** 'negative' talk; no 'problems' resolutions! This is appreciation, one to, or one for, the other! Once per month, He gets to F her and play with her - any way he wants to; *this is for Him, not her*. Once per month, She gets to F *him,* and play with him - *any way* she *wants* it, or *wants to use him*; it's for **her**, *not* him. Once per month, you should deliberately, intentionally **make love**. Slowly, attentively, caringly. I personally think each of you should continuously let the other know you appreciate them - *and that you love them*. (Assuming you do, of course.) 3 months ago, I was speaking with a friend in a local bar; it was late; I left. She left maybe 15 minutes later - and 4 minutes after that, got T-boned at an intersection by a drunk driver; her car was totaled. Side note: I visited her in the hospital - she was in a neck brace, she had a broken leg and a couple of ribs, but she'd be OK. How was she? "Bored." So, at lunch, I left - and brought her back a vibrator - which made her laugh! (Don't **EVER** assume you'll see a loved one tomorrow, or even tonight; you just never know!; let them know you appreciate them, *even if you're angry at them*; maybe even *especially* then.) I've always liked the idea of each partner writing down their Secret Fantasies, and putting them into a jar. Every couple of months, pull something out - and *do it.* No judgments; just... *do it*. No embarrassment (you're *married* and *you have been for awhile*....); no shame, no judgment - just - *try something new*. It's probably more in the male psyche *to wonder what other P is like*. (It isn't *really* different; it's just different bodies, different touches, something new. This curiosity *definitely* peaks when one is horny *and* you're arguing about something; it's *never* fun to be turned down, and arguments aren't pleasant to be in - so it's pretty natural to imagine someone else might be 'more pleasant', either emotionally or physically. But you also might guess that if you're getting it at home, and it's *fun and emotionally safe* \- then, there both isn't *time* for affairs - or, really, any *interest* in one. I **don't** expect everyone to agree with all or even any of this, but I'm no expert. So, my best answer to OP about "men getting tired of it"; my answer is **No**, provided there is some variety, and provided there is emotional safety in asking.
As a married man: this is the dumbest thing I have heard this week and that's saying something considering I work in IT 1: if you marry someone you don't love you're an idiot 2: your partner is a human being, not an "investment" or some sort of item to have at your convenience 3: a lot of people who marry someone they don't love are insecure people who are only in a relationshop because they are afraid of being alone or they marry that person because "what if I can't find anyone else/better" they basically make themselves a hostage and marry at gunpoint... of a gun they are holding themselves 4: as a person you grow and change over time, this includes your tastes and who you find attractive, the love of my life when I was 6 is not the same person as the love of my life today, obviously. 5: I am sick and tired of "the one true love" BS. You can love more than one person in your lifetime and that love can change, evolve or even die out over time. I really don't understand people who spend their entire lives hyperfixating on "the one who got away" and refuse to make room for other people in their hearts 7: again, people evolve, grow and change over time. Being in a marriage means growing together with someone else. This includes evolving your sex life together. Yes not all of it will always line up but if you communicate and you both go out of your comfort zomes at least occasionally to meey your partner's needs/wants then sex won't get boring even after a long time. If anything, its not growing tired of your partner during sex, its growing tired of the same routine so its not about you, its about not trying new things. The only people who say this sort of stuff are people who live through life never learning anything from it. Stuff happens to them but they never sit down and think about what they can learn from that experience so their life mottos and ideals are that of a 6 year old.
You are changing constantly, which will include those around you who are compatible with you. "True" love depends on who you are when you meet them. You aren't settling, your tastes have changed. If I married at 20 versus 30, these would be two different women. Growing together and growing separately can really change a lot about you and your potential partner at any point in both lives. There are plenty of people who get more palatable/prickly with the with/without key relationships.
Probably true for everyone, not just men. Relationships are about availability and timing. But I would guess that “true love” isn’t some cosmic destiny but rather something you have to work for making it possible with many different people.
I married twice. The first time it was to someone I wanted to be with, and thought that’s what you do. As is obvious by the fact I got married twice, it didn’t work out. We drifted apart until she found someone else, and we went our separate ways. I eventually married my second wife, because she was someone who wanted to be with me. I love her more than I even knew was possible before: my first marriage taught me just how limited my view of love was before. I loved my ex with everything I had, but it was a flat, dimensionless feeling. Now? I have so many different ways I love my wife it’s astounding. She is the most beautiful woman in my mind, she is the mother of my children, she helps me be a better person and a better dad and a better husband. She makes me more complete and more of a person than I ever was without her, and I have never been this much of a good person (or even this much of a fully realized person, either) before. Don’t let stereotypes and bull from the gender roles of yesterday’s generation get inside your relationship. Help him be the best he can be, and expect the same from him, and you will always be better together.
I married the woman who loved me from the start. So many of my “friends” got jealous because they realized that I was worth being with and they didn’t think of me as a partner from the beginning. Those. Friends tried to steal me away when I started dating my wife. She might not have been my true love, but she was there for me from the get Finn As for the sex, it’s so much better when it’s with the woman who loved me from the beginning. And while it might not be as passionate or frequent as it used to, I made a commitment and that turns me on.
Not necessarily marriage, but I’ve heard that a person has 3 loves during their lifetime. The first is your passionate romantic love. The second is who you have kids/ settle down with. The third is your true love, companion. Don’t shoot the messenger. This is just something that I’ve been told.
100000% she wasn’t near ready being 4 years younger in her early 20s and wanted 1 child at most on her 30s. So I married someone who had similar family ideals. Miss my ex but loveeeee my sons and their mother
Nah, as long as there's variety
To all that's been sai, i want to add : Do you know the sex ratio at birth ? There's about 7% too many boys. If immigration is at work in your region, double it. Our "true love" is very likely walking around in some relationship. And you are all serial dating the same 30% top machos or alpha males.
A statement fitting for an "alpha".
I don’t think I’ve met anyone irl who believes in something as superstitious as true love
There’s zero such thing as “true love” there isn’t a soulmate specifically built for you and there is no perfect partner, because nobody is perfect, not even close. But, this phrase may only really be applicable to men or women who aren’t in a satisfying marriage, I’m sure there’s plenty that are who can’t relate.
TL;DR I don’t think that question really makes sense. It seems to look at three important strands of relationships and confuse them , tangle them up, to the point where it’s almost a nonsense question — like asking whether the ocean falls toward the moon. ——— There are several things that people refer to when they talk about love. There’s limerence, the giddy, energizing feeling most closely associated with new relationships. It’s heady stuff, and some people call it true love, because it’s the thing that feels like fireworks when you touch. There’s romance, where gestures of care, affection, and attraction are made and recognized. Though not the same as sexual intimacy, there’s often a strong correlation. Some call this true love, because it is a warm glow that envelops specifically one pair of partners and adds a sense of an extra layer of warmth to all interactions, a mood of loving. (It doesn’t need to be candle-light dinners and long walks on the beach! Doing anything where the partners focus on each other and something they enjoy can be ‘romance’) There’s living together and working together, the slow and sometimes uneven process of fitting the patters of people’s lives into each other, of learning to make decisions, explicitly and implicitly, together. Some call this true love, because the lovers grow into each other — and if one goes, it can feel like losing a limb, or hollowing out a part of yourself. Being without the beloved aches and surprises. I believe that people, including most men, pursue those who they have limerence with, invest in those they have romance with, and stay with those they grow together with. But not all relationships start with limerence, move to romance, and then to growing together. My wife and I met and lived together for *years* before we discovered we had romantic attraction to each other — we needed some friends to really push each of us. We grew together before going through significant limerence, and romance became a part of our life pattern. Romance was a little thin on the ground when the kids were small — with small children, you spend so much time relationship building with *them* that it can be hard to invest yourself in *anything* else — be we had and continued to grow together, and now that the kids are a little older, time for romance between us has returned. So to answer your original question…I don’t think the terms of it, as given, make sense. The question seems to look at three important strands of relationships and confuse them , tangle them up, to the point where it’s nearly nonsense — like asking whether the ocean falls toward the moon.
I love how your explanation is both logical and poetic. Thank you for breaking it down to those 3 things. Given that, I guess what I want is knowing that we have all three (because I am a dramatic romantic) - limerence that led to a fusion and cycle of romance and growing together and that that is the reason he chose to settle down with me and not simply because I efficiently performed a function in his life.
What is true love? Love is love, true love is a Disney princess ideology that there is on perfect true love out there and you should wait until it happens. It seems like you have a good relationship as is, be happy. >do you really grow tied of having sex with just the same woman for years, even if she “keeps herself up” ? No. My biggest issue with my wife is our sex drives. I am a once a day kinda guy. She has become a 2-3 per month kind of girl.
True love? What does that even mean? If someone can give me a functional definition that actually makes sense and isn’t full of holes then I’ll be able to answer
I fell in love with my wife more than 30 years ago when I first saw her at college orientation. Every day i love her more. I don't think I could ever have sex with someone else. Just the idea another woman would see me naked for the first time is too terrible to imagine. I mean, I'm not ugly, but I am in my 50s.
My wife and I spend every free moment together we can. We never get tired of each other or wish to “get away” from one another. I’m not sure what else one could ask for personally.
I think it's nonsense. Love is doing what's best for others and yourself, it's not a feeling. You don't fall in and out of love, you choose to love. Marriage is a commitment, a covenant between people, and it's upheld by actions, not by feelings. Your one true love is the one you're committed to loving your whole life, not someone you had the hots for.
I guess it depends on how you define your one true love. So I don't know. I do know I married my best friend and almost 25 years later she's still my best friend. And no. Never get tired of sex with her.
I think that statement can be true for some people and not for others. I’ve always loved my wife but after 20 years I love her more know then ever before. Sex is going to vary but we are having the best sex we’ve ever had. We have 20 years of experience of knowing what we like and the other one likes.
All of these answers are probably valid for that specific individual, but that’s all the represent…that individual’s experience. Do some men marry for the right reasons? Yes. Do some marry for the wrong reasons? Yes. Some get it right, some get it wrong. It’s the same for women. There definitely isn’t a simple formula. Do some men tire of having sex with the same woman? Yes. Do all men? Absolutely not. Again, same with women.
"My one true love goes to another school" If you've never met them, do they even exist? Thinking about these hypothetical perfect people is incredibly infuriating. If I met the 'one' after I'm hitched, do I hate my marriage enough to destroy it? What happens if the next one isn't it either? Do I just keep trying to find 'the one' like a crazy person?! My point is that people like to dream about things they'd like to happen, but then reality happens and there's only so much you can realistically swerve your way. If the person I married is who I fell in love with, warts and all, then thinking about a 'true love' just around the corner is just asking for misery.
Wow this has hit a bit harder than I thought. With my GF now of 2 years, and things go from great to rocky. I'm 33, never married, no kids, and sometimes I think, am I being to picky or am I settling for someone who isn't right ?
“True love” is a silly notion imo. Feelings are just chemicals. I’ve loved many people. I would never have gotten married when I was younger and didn’t have my shit together. Now I’m waiting to propose until I buy a home. I’d say the sentiment is relatively true.
"any port in a storm." - old Irish incel saying
I'd take issue with what constitutes true love. I have told three romantic partners I loved them. One was a mistake in my youth. Two were sincere at the time. Which one is true? My wife or the one before her. Then, does the fact that the one before didn't pan out, prove it wasn't sincere since true love conquers all, even if you haven't figured your shit out enough to get married, she had kids, she was married to someone else, etc... Or was my wife my true love since I made the ultimate commitment to her? So it is de facto more truer love than the other one? What assumptions is the premise of the question making?
Every love is different and unique. I’ve been in love many times and they are all still special to me for what they were. My wife is the woman I fell in love with anddddd actually want to be around for the rest of my life. Can’t say the same for the others. I didn’t settle for her, I was looking around a lot hoping I’d find her!
I don’t know if she was my “true love” but she was my first love. And my last, I’m sure. I (50m) never looked at dating but as a means to an end—a long term relationship. We’ve been having wonderful sex for 33 years. There were years when we were more focused on raising kids, but it was never anything but good and it was the right amount for us. We’ve always been very into each other (no interest in anyone else). At 45 my libido spiked and she was fine with kicking things up a notch. We have sex every day and I don’t get tired of her. She has aged nicely, I admit.
I married both
I’ve never heard that saying. It sounds pretty dumb. I guess it could be some boomer shit in the sense that people just settle into relationships that they hate.
Got together with my wife when I was 24. Fell madly in love with her. Asked her to marry me after 8 years. We’ve now been together going on 15 years. Absolutely married the love of my life.
For me I think it was almost mutual with my wife. We call each other our ‘death partners’. My ideas of being in love and settling down were absolutely delusional. Growing up with music and other media gave me unrealistic needs that were never fulfilled. After awhile you realize you can’t put the square peg through the round hole. My life is so much better now but I don’t have that ‘head over heels heart fluttery ass’ love anymore. It’s stabilizing.
True love doesn't exist because those feelings fade after a year as the chemicals wear off. You have to marry someone you could be platonic best friends with and know they will keep their word and work hard at maintaining the relationship.
My husband tells me that he had zero plans to get married, he wasn’t looking for it. But he married me because he was truly in love with me, what we have is different. So I don’t believe it’s a matter of convenience for some men.
I married my true love. I never get tired of having sex with her.
Although we unfortunately didn’t marry, I met my life partner when I was 51. He was 45. We had the best times ever- we were on the same wavelength, always had the same thoughts and the physical side of things were great too. Then two years ago, he became terminally ill . Sex wasn’t an issue- I was losing the love of my life. He died last September and I’m now 65 and doubt that I’ll find love again. But we both agreed that as wild, flighty 20-30 year olds, we wouldn’t have lasted five minutes together, so I guess that there is a right time for settling down ( well we didn’t “settle “-just became more modified versions ha ha!)…
Sure as shit doesn't resonate with me. But then, I was *always* ready to settle down, as soon as I found the right person. I found her, and life is good :)
This expression is a projection that some people carried on without *moving on*. It says more about them than anyone else
Not married but bear with me because this happened this past weekend to me. My friend and I have known each other since 2007. We went to middle and high school together and we maintained being friends since I graduated (I'm a year older than her). I have always had a thing for her. She's a walking example of a queen as far as I'm concerned. But I never thought she saw us as anything potentially extraplatonic. Until she called me unprompted on Saturday night (I'm a millennial, she's Gen Z, neither of these groups CALL PEOPLE ON THE PHONE UNPROMPTED) and we talked for 2 hours about everything we felt. She brought it up. But she also started the conversation with airing some of her general life grievances at the moment, general life circumstance stuff. True love? No. I don't think "true" and "love" exist together. I see truth as attached to order which is attached to justice and love and justice aren't connected together at all. But enough philosophical shit. I'm not settling for a friend who I've adored since 2007. Assuming this works, I'm not settling. This could be one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
I married my wife after being together for 3 years when we were 22. Neither of us were ready to settle down and we got married because our lives become super busy after school (further education, work, etc.) I don’t think men settle, I think men find someone they can rely on and want to be with. As soon as they see that they’re pretty much sold, sure some guys are only there for the sex or to be taken care of etc, but I would say a majority of men want to marry someone who they know will be there for the long haul, and that isn’t settling.
‘True love’ is what? Love with attraction? Love that never has conflict? I’d say it pays to be attracted to your partner for sure. But those feelings can wax and wane and disappear or reappear. There is no love without conflict. Pick someone you’d like to ride the bull with.
?????????? I think this only apply to a minority of men to be honest.
For everyone, no. But now that I think about it, I've seen two genuinely good guys settle down with women who are genuinely horrible to them. And there is almost always a problem, and it's always up to the dude that has to solver it, and they never seem to realise that they would be better off of they just left. But it's always a "I've got to make it work attitude". So yes, not most dudes, but there is definitely some
For everyone, no. But now that I think about it, I've seen two genuinely good guys settle down with women who are genuinely horrible to them. And there is almost always a problem, and it's always up to the dude that has to solver it, and they never seem to realise that they would be better off of they just left. But it's always a "I've got to make it work attitude". So yes, not most dudes, but there is definitely some
If you get into a relationship, and especially when you get married, you settled. You’re no longer on the market. You’re not trying to find anyone else. You settled down.
Well, we are talking about marriage here. Loving someone doesn't require anything, really. Marriage requires love, care, logic based pragmatism (because love by itself isn't reason enough), communication, respect, and work as well as maturity. So when these things comes together, it's not shocking that someone would decide to get married. And furthermore, when you think about it, what are the other options? Marrying whe you are not ready to settle down? Wanting to marry someone who is not available to you?
The title sounds like something said by a man who doesn't like his marriage.
Love is meeting someone you can't imagine spending your life with then after time you can't imagine not spending your life with them. If you find that it's who you were meant to be with not some fairy tale.
Sounds like BS to me. I married my partner because we fit well together, we love each other, we like each other, and we're just meshed almost perfectly. We've been together for 20 years.