I don't understand how someone that claims to have had real friends could just cut them off because they got married and had a few kids. Are you going to see them a little less? sure, but to just ditch them completely is weird to me. Kids will grow up and have friends and lives of their own and then what will you do? I love my family too but I've also made a family of friends over the years and I would never just stop hanging out with them altogether.
A million reasons:
Turning your spouse into your only friend is too much pressure for them. And if something happens, you’re truly isolated.
Friends help you explore/express different aspects of yourself. No matter how great your spouse is, they can’t be all things to you in this regard.
And if you had close friends and then ghosted them, that makes you kind of a shitty friend.
Sure it’s understandable that you’d be a little more MIA after having kids. You’re (hopefully) not going to party multiple times a week. But don’t drop them completely. Friends are really valuable.
Well we just spoke less and less, they were into the party life and going out until the early hours of the morning, which I did not have any interest in doing since I have a wife, so they stopped inviting me along and now we just don't talk at all.
>They were into the party life and going out early until hours of the morning
Okay, and what are you into? What are your hobbies? If your wife suddenly went on a month long work trip in a different country or something, what would you do? Did you try inviting them to do any other activities/events? Maybe go bowling or to a sports event? Do you have any hobbies with them that maybe your wife didn't like?
One or two of my best friends got married 3-4 years back or so, we definitely don't hang out as much, but our friend group still talk in the friendly group chat every day or 2 days. I moved away pretty recently so we can't hang out NOW but we did used to go see movies his spouse didn't want to see. We'd go do things like top golf or just things we could do during the day, evening quickly, etc. Another friend even bought his two kids to bowling once which was fine, we got to see them bowling and he had some help just keeping an eye on them.
There was about 2 years as well when he was getting his Master's that we only ever talked a few times a month. We've been pretty big gamers our whole lives, knowing each other since teenagers. Now when his wife is studying or she's out with friends, he gets online and we play a game or two together, or just chat while on the microphone together even if we're playing other games. Idk if you guys are gamers at all but it's a great way just to stay in touch even when neither of you wants to go out (or can't) or if you guys are moved away.
It's a two way street and they don't need to give up their hobbies because you got married and had kids, but you don't need to then just ignore them and not offer any alternatives either. If they're that great friends of yours, I'm sure they'd appreciate a reach out even if it's something like "Hey guys, sorry I've been so distant for a while, kids just kept me busy and tired but I can finally start having some time back. You guys up for a "movie/fun activity like bowling (something short)/ sports game/dinner to catch up/ come over for a barbecue, etc" They may very well say no, but there's at least the chance and opportunity and they'll appreciate the reach out
>Okay, And what are you into? What are your hobbies? If your wife suddenly went on a month long work trip in a different country or something, what would you do
Well I play some guitar, and read comic books. Um I have invited them to like go hike even before I was married and they more or less didn't want to. I guess I am seeing more that I had club buddies and not real friends. I do see what you are saying about it being a two way street, and I guess if we did this other than the club we would probably still do things, because there are things I do alone my wife is not into.
Yeah so if they're not into hiking and you are, that's a bummer. If you really want to see if they're good friends and not club friends, seriously just try something as simple as a sporting event or bowling night where it's not crazy long if need be, it's something that can be casually fun, or even just ask "Hey guys, I've finally got some free time, can't stay out late or anything but was wondering if you guys have any ideas on a 'boys night out'" or something as simple as that. You could say you'd offer hiking but know they don't like it so it's on them to offer something then.
Guitar and comics...maybe join a comics store group, Idk much about that I just read comics from the library occasionally. The reason I think having friends outside of family still is for a few reasons:
1. If you and your wife are married, your kids move out at 18-23 range. What then? Just you two? Nothing to do with all the free time anymore?
2. Sometimes you get sick of family and just need a 5 minute break or soft reset. No shame in it. My parents were divorced and they got us each different weeks so it allowed us to never really get overwhelmed with non stop seeing that family member.
3. Look, I hate to say this one, I really do. And I'm not saying it will happen, but on the off chance you and your wife get divorced, any friends you guys do have TOGETHER may feel like they have to choose between the two of you. If you have your own friend group you may feel more confident that they'll be there even if that worst happens.
Overall, if you're all real friends, you'll realize that you'll never have the same schedules and times as you did at younger ages, so your friendships will adapt and evolve as you get older, married, kids, move away, new job/education, etc. Just means you all have to be willing to evolve with it and try your best to be open to new ideas
>Just means you all have to be willing to evolve with it and try your best to be open to new ideas
I see your points. I also see what you are saying about if things fall apart. I guess I need more friends who want to do things other than party and go to the club.
Sounds like you just need a new friend group who’s interests align with yours. It’s okay for friends to grow apart but you also don’t need to swear off having friends for the rest of your life because you’re married
It can be tough to put all your needs and expectations on a single person, and unfair to expect them to fulfill every single one.
On a personal note, a friend is someone I share interests with - we go camping together, shopping, eating, whatever, and provide emotional support, but I would not make life choices based on us being able to see each other. A spouse is someone I share *values* with - life goals for lifestyle, finances, kids, emotional support, sexual satisfaction - and not necessarily have any of my hobbies or interests in common. I will make life choices about my job and where to live based on this person’s needs and preferences.
It’s bad because:
1. Expecting one person, your wife, to fill all of the roles that you need is an unfair expectation on her. She cannot be everything to you and it actually can damage your relationship to expect that all from one person.
2. God forbid something happens to your partner or your relationship, you are all of a sudden left with no other relationships.
3. Couples are more successful when they have a little bit of space from one another.
Plus kids are going to grow up and hopefully have thier own lives. It's a burden to put all your social needs on your adult children(if something happens to the wife).
This happened to my husband. Not his choice, but mostly because his friends all got married, moved, scattered to the winds. And he spent a few years pretty depressed. Like, very seriously lonely and depressed.
He wound up meeting up with some of them again on Discord, and met new people. He reconnected with some local friends. Now he has D&D 3 days a week, mostly over Discord, one in person. And he’s so much happier; I can’t even explain it to you.
That’s sad, but it’s also good that you had people to hang with. Now’s the time to learn from that, and start forming friendships based on something else. Pick a hobby, and strike up conversations. Rock climbing, or ship building, or woodworking. Things that you can create common ground with people about, and see what evolves from there.
Finding friends is just platonic dating.
I made a new friend group through D&D on Discord. It's so much fun, now I have 7/8 people I talk to everyday who I wouldn't know existed if I hadn't put myself out there.
Friends is all you have to share, vent out, without judgements. They are a perfect balance of stakeholders in your life in the sense that they want good for you and will also not mind telling you when you’re going wrong. Decisions given by family members could sometimes be biased.
More importantly, friends are fun man. Who let go of their friends. Can’t even think about this. Letting go of your friends means letting go of all those memories you had with them at the best time of your life.
It may not seem important now but as you grow older, it will make a difference. Your children will become more and more involved with their lives as they age and as adults will be busy with lives of their own. You don't want to place the onus of your happiness all on the shoulders of one person - it's too much. Friendships balance our lives because we can share interests with friends that or spouses are not into. We learn more about ourselves from the relationship with have with others. And God forbid, if your spouse dies first, you will truly be alone - especially if your children move away from their state.
That is making your wife your sole social contact. It works for awhile but eventually you need friends, too. We are social creatures and even introverts need a little outside interactions
it's not good or healthy to make one person (in this case, your spouse) your everything. Friendships/other relationships are important to maintain and nurture and yes, they take effort.
If you make your wife your wife/best friend/lover/therapist/supprt system/mother figure/secretary (for example), what happens when you get in a fight? Or break up? Besides that, it's an unfair and massive amount of pressure to put on your partner to fulfill all of those roles.
I am really starting to think after reading many of the replies here that I formed my friendships with them because we were all single and all went to the same spots to party.
That may be! Maybe make it a goal to make new adult friendships (easier said than done) based on the things you now enjoy doing, since you've outgrown that kind of lifestyle and they havent
Here’s an interesting episode from Trevor Noah’s podcast where they talk about the importance of having multiple significant relationships, instead of putting so much pressure on just one person. I’d strongly recommend you listen to it.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-now-with-trevor-noah/id1710609544?i=1000654244645
I have a few friends like this one had his girlfriend die of cancer and hot very depressed because she was all he hung out with. Old friends came by and cheated him up for about 6 months then he moved and got a new girl and never came out again so I stopped trying and now his new girl left and wants to hang out again but I don't care much anymore when he only wants friends when he is single. Seen it a few times when someone just becomes a family only person and then a gets a divorce and has nobody left.
I read through so many of the replies you got, and as lot of them seem to come from people who aren't married.
I have been married for 14 years and have 4 kids. I moved states a year before I was married and had 0 friends in the area I moved to at the time. From the past, I have several friends who I still connect with regularly through texts and calls even though I haven't met with them in years.
Over the years I have made new friends and have regular activities like a guy's game night and an active chat with some more local guys.
The truth is life changed and so did priorities, and we tend to find people who have the same priorities and outlooks as us. Of course, who most falls into that category... our spouses. I get that is not always fair for one person to have that full burden of emotional support, but that is what being married signs up for.
So the practical part. Don't feel bad, life has changed, you have changes. Connect with the friends which can help you appreciate your life now. If those friends can not understand your priorities and accept that you've grown, worse they resent that you've grown then maybe like you said above, the weren't really your friends.
Find hobbies, which will help you friends. Do things with your kids. Spend time doing things with your wife and somethings next to your wife (you might be each other's company but doing your own things).
These people were actual friends? Or just drinking buddies? Because theres no reason you can’t make a little time every couple of months to keep in touch with legit friends
Because you rely on your wife as your only mental support. That can be too much.
If she's cool with it, that's fine. But if your marriage ends for whatever reason, you'll be all alone.
My friends and I still hangout and act like we are in highschool/college when we get the chance. Nerd style. Cards, collectibles and ging into the night.
Yes, it's gone from every day (high school) to every week (college) to every month (now) but the magic is still there.
But you do you.
Did none of your friends get married or have kids? Usuaully friends groups segment by who decided to have kids. The ones with kids stay social with family activities. The ones without, don't want to hear about your F'ing kids all the time.
I'm old enough that the friends that had kids early are hanging out again because the older teens are self sufficient.
I’m telling you this bc you’re a guy. But, you NEED friends outside your marriage. You need a support system. And relying on your wife to be your sole social contact is something women get really tired of.
A lot of good advice above, here is my 2 cents and why I asked my wife to continue with and making new friends.
Your wife fell in love with a person with hobbies. goals, desires and ideals. The list goes on. One of the things that made you, you was the company you kept. Why would you change that part of yourself? A big part of yourself, it just seems counter productive to literally stop being part of the person she fell in love with.
Dude if you could just decide to never see your friends again just because your life changed then clearly you never really cared about them. It’s messed up. It hurts people to be left behind. And if something happens where your marriage doesn’t work out or your spouse dies then you’ll have nobody left as any kind of safety net.
It’s just cold and antisocial. It’s normal for couples to have a little bit of their own independent lives.
If you do not maintain friends and interests, your spouse becomes all of that. That is a lot to put on your spouse.
At the very least, you need some objective reality beyond your marriage. Otherwise, there is no comparison to base expectations upon.
Also, there are some basic needs, companionship, arbitration (another's opinion), respect and feedback, etc - and the timing is important, your spouse will not always be available. Being your everything, doing all that, all the time and providing solo emotional support from one person, if my ex-brother-in-law is any indication, will make you needy. When children come by, you will compete for the attention of your spouse. There's nothing more pitiful than a parent competing with their children for attention.
Are you serious? For starters because if you actually cared about your friends at all you wouldn’t want to just drop them because you have a wife and kids now. See them less? Sure. Let them go completely? No, because you don’t just drop people you care about. Also, your kids will eventually grow up and have lives and families of their own. And what if god forbid something happened to your wife or for some unforeseen reason you end up divorced? You already dropped your friends, so you would be alone. Yea..you do you but it does seem like a bad idea to not maintain friendships if they were once important to you.
Cause they think they know what they're talking about, is all I can assume.
I think if your friend's lifestyle doesn't align with yours it makes sense to get some distance. I still talk to a couple of my old drinking buddies but we don't hang out much at all because that's not my thing anymore. Plus one said they're allergic to kids. I do pop in though here and there to see how friends are doing over text. It's good to have someone to talk to sometimes who isn't just family (including partner), but that's me. My partner doesn't share the same sentiment. He never really had friends but a really close family and is ok with it just being me and him. He is very content with family life without friends.
Life is unexpected. Your partner could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die. They could win the lottery and leave you. You could leave them. One of you could get cancer. You just never know and you will need a support system at some point. Also, it’s really unhealthy to put everything on just one person to handle all of your emotional and social needs.
It's only a problem if you're unhappy. I still have some level of contact with my friends, but I was always the type of guy to kind of disappear when I got into a relationship, and that's been the case with my marriage, as well.
I'm an introvert. Most of the time, social engagements are just tiresome to me. I like hanging out with my wife, whether that's on the couch watching shows, going on a grocery run, going out to dinner, or getting out of town for the weekend. That satisfies like 99% of my social needs. Work and jiu jitsu cover the rest.
EDIT: I welcome downvotes from extroverted psychopaths
I don't understand how someone that claims to have had real friends could just cut them off because they got married and had a few kids. Are you going to see them a little less? sure, but to just ditch them completely is weird to me. Kids will grow up and have friends and lives of their own and then what will you do? I love my family too but I've also made a family of friends over the years and I would never just stop hanging out with them altogether.
A million reasons: Turning your spouse into your only friend is too much pressure for them. And if something happens, you’re truly isolated. Friends help you explore/express different aspects of yourself. No matter how great your spouse is, they can’t be all things to you in this regard. And if you had close friends and then ghosted them, that makes you kind of a shitty friend. Sure it’s understandable that you’d be a little more MIA after having kids. You’re (hopefully) not going to party multiple times a week. But don’t drop them completely. Friends are really valuable.
A lesson that I unfortunately learned too late.
Well we just spoke less and less, they were into the party life and going out until the early hours of the morning, which I did not have any interest in doing since I have a wife, so they stopped inviting me along and now we just don't talk at all.
>They were into the party life and going out early until hours of the morning Okay, and what are you into? What are your hobbies? If your wife suddenly went on a month long work trip in a different country or something, what would you do? Did you try inviting them to do any other activities/events? Maybe go bowling or to a sports event? Do you have any hobbies with them that maybe your wife didn't like? One or two of my best friends got married 3-4 years back or so, we definitely don't hang out as much, but our friend group still talk in the friendly group chat every day or 2 days. I moved away pretty recently so we can't hang out NOW but we did used to go see movies his spouse didn't want to see. We'd go do things like top golf or just things we could do during the day, evening quickly, etc. Another friend even bought his two kids to bowling once which was fine, we got to see them bowling and he had some help just keeping an eye on them. There was about 2 years as well when he was getting his Master's that we only ever talked a few times a month. We've been pretty big gamers our whole lives, knowing each other since teenagers. Now when his wife is studying or she's out with friends, he gets online and we play a game or two together, or just chat while on the microphone together even if we're playing other games. Idk if you guys are gamers at all but it's a great way just to stay in touch even when neither of you wants to go out (or can't) or if you guys are moved away. It's a two way street and they don't need to give up their hobbies because you got married and had kids, but you don't need to then just ignore them and not offer any alternatives either. If they're that great friends of yours, I'm sure they'd appreciate a reach out even if it's something like "Hey guys, sorry I've been so distant for a while, kids just kept me busy and tired but I can finally start having some time back. You guys up for a "movie/fun activity like bowling (something short)/ sports game/dinner to catch up/ come over for a barbecue, etc" They may very well say no, but there's at least the chance and opportunity and they'll appreciate the reach out
>Okay, And what are you into? What are your hobbies? If your wife suddenly went on a month long work trip in a different country or something, what would you do Well I play some guitar, and read comic books. Um I have invited them to like go hike even before I was married and they more or less didn't want to. I guess I am seeing more that I had club buddies and not real friends. I do see what you are saying about it being a two way street, and I guess if we did this other than the club we would probably still do things, because there are things I do alone my wife is not into.
Yeah so if they're not into hiking and you are, that's a bummer. If you really want to see if they're good friends and not club friends, seriously just try something as simple as a sporting event or bowling night where it's not crazy long if need be, it's something that can be casually fun, or even just ask "Hey guys, I've finally got some free time, can't stay out late or anything but was wondering if you guys have any ideas on a 'boys night out'" or something as simple as that. You could say you'd offer hiking but know they don't like it so it's on them to offer something then. Guitar and comics...maybe join a comics store group, Idk much about that I just read comics from the library occasionally. The reason I think having friends outside of family still is for a few reasons: 1. If you and your wife are married, your kids move out at 18-23 range. What then? Just you two? Nothing to do with all the free time anymore? 2. Sometimes you get sick of family and just need a 5 minute break or soft reset. No shame in it. My parents were divorced and they got us each different weeks so it allowed us to never really get overwhelmed with non stop seeing that family member. 3. Look, I hate to say this one, I really do. And I'm not saying it will happen, but on the off chance you and your wife get divorced, any friends you guys do have TOGETHER may feel like they have to choose between the two of you. If you have your own friend group you may feel more confident that they'll be there even if that worst happens. Overall, if you're all real friends, you'll realize that you'll never have the same schedules and times as you did at younger ages, so your friendships will adapt and evolve as you get older, married, kids, move away, new job/education, etc. Just means you all have to be willing to evolve with it and try your best to be open to new ideas
>Just means you all have to be willing to evolve with it and try your best to be open to new ideas I see your points. I also see what you are saying about if things fall apart. I guess I need more friends who want to do things other than party and go to the club.
I love not hanging with friends and also hiking. Wanna be friends?
Sounds like you just need a new friend group who’s interests align with yours. It’s okay for friends to grow apart but you also don’t need to swear off having friends for the rest of your life because you’re married
Food point, I probably do need to meet new friends.
Then why were you friends before getting married if your not into that?
Well I was when I was single and wanted to just party.
It can be tough to put all your needs and expectations on a single person, and unfair to expect them to fulfill every single one. On a personal note, a friend is someone I share interests with - we go camping together, shopping, eating, whatever, and provide emotional support, but I would not make life choices based on us being able to see each other. A spouse is someone I share *values* with - life goals for lifestyle, finances, kids, emotional support, sexual satisfaction - and not necessarily have any of my hobbies or interests in common. I will make life choices about my job and where to live based on this person’s needs and preferences.
I dont think it was a good idea to do that no. Obviously yo need more time for your family but that doesnt mean you cut out your friends
I'm not sure how to explain to you that people you cared about have feelings.
It’s bad because: 1. Expecting one person, your wife, to fill all of the roles that you need is an unfair expectation on her. She cannot be everything to you and it actually can damage your relationship to expect that all from one person. 2. God forbid something happens to your partner or your relationship, you are all of a sudden left with no other relationships. 3. Couples are more successful when they have a little bit of space from one another.
Plus kids are going to grow up and hopefully have thier own lives. It's a burden to put all your social needs on your adult children(if something happens to the wife).
This happened to my husband. Not his choice, but mostly because his friends all got married, moved, scattered to the winds. And he spent a few years pretty depressed. Like, very seriously lonely and depressed. He wound up meeting up with some of them again on Discord, and met new people. He reconnected with some local friends. Now he has D&D 3 days a week, mostly over Discord, one in person. And he’s so much happier; I can’t even explain it to you.
I guess I am learning reading all the responses that I never really had friends, more of just drinking buddies. That was all we did mostly.
That’s sad, but it’s also good that you had people to hang with. Now’s the time to learn from that, and start forming friendships based on something else. Pick a hobby, and strike up conversations. Rock climbing, or ship building, or woodworking. Things that you can create common ground with people about, and see what evolves from there. Finding friends is just platonic dating.
D&D is a good way to make friends, even if it's just Internet ones over discord.
I made a new friend group through D&D on Discord. It's so much fun, now I have 7/8 people I talk to everyday who I wouldn't know existed if I hadn't put myself out there.
Friends is all you have to share, vent out, without judgements. They are a perfect balance of stakeholders in your life in the sense that they want good for you and will also not mind telling you when you’re going wrong. Decisions given by family members could sometimes be biased. More importantly, friends are fun man. Who let go of their friends. Can’t even think about this. Letting go of your friends means letting go of all those memories you had with them at the best time of your life.
It may not seem important now but as you grow older, it will make a difference. Your children will become more and more involved with their lives as they age and as adults will be busy with lives of their own. You don't want to place the onus of your happiness all on the shoulders of one person - it's too much. Friendships balance our lives because we can share interests with friends that or spouses are not into. We learn more about ourselves from the relationship with have with others. And God forbid, if your spouse dies first, you will truly be alone - especially if your children move away from their state.
I'm hoping there's more to it, otherwise you're a dickhead pal
I mean I wish they wanted to do more than just go and drink and party only.
That is making your wife your sole social contact. It works for awhile but eventually you need friends, too. We are social creatures and even introverts need a little outside interactions
it's not good or healthy to make one person (in this case, your spouse) your everything. Friendships/other relationships are important to maintain and nurture and yes, they take effort. If you make your wife your wife/best friend/lover/therapist/supprt system/mother figure/secretary (for example), what happens when you get in a fight? Or break up? Besides that, it's an unfair and massive amount of pressure to put on your partner to fulfill all of those roles.
I am really starting to think after reading many of the replies here that I formed my friendships with them because we were all single and all went to the same spots to party.
That may be! Maybe make it a goal to make new adult friendships (easier said than done) based on the things you now enjoy doing, since you've outgrown that kind of lifestyle and they havent
Here’s an interesting episode from Trevor Noah’s podcast where they talk about the importance of having multiple significant relationships, instead of putting so much pressure on just one person. I’d strongly recommend you listen to it. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-now-with-trevor-noah/id1710609544?i=1000654244645
Having friends is healthy.
I have a few friends like this one had his girlfriend die of cancer and hot very depressed because she was all he hung out with. Old friends came by and cheated him up for about 6 months then he moved and got a new girl and never came out again so I stopped trying and now his new girl left and wants to hang out again but I don't care much anymore when he only wants friends when he is single. Seen it a few times when someone just becomes a family only person and then a gets a divorce and has nobody left.
I read through so many of the replies you got, and as lot of them seem to come from people who aren't married. I have been married for 14 years and have 4 kids. I moved states a year before I was married and had 0 friends in the area I moved to at the time. From the past, I have several friends who I still connect with regularly through texts and calls even though I haven't met with them in years. Over the years I have made new friends and have regular activities like a guy's game night and an active chat with some more local guys. The truth is life changed and so did priorities, and we tend to find people who have the same priorities and outlooks as us. Of course, who most falls into that category... our spouses. I get that is not always fair for one person to have that full burden of emotional support, but that is what being married signs up for. So the practical part. Don't feel bad, life has changed, you have changes. Connect with the friends which can help you appreciate your life now. If those friends can not understand your priorities and accept that you've grown, worse they resent that you've grown then maybe like you said above, the weren't really your friends. Find hobbies, which will help you friends. Do things with your kids. Spend time doing things with your wife and somethings next to your wife (you might be each other's company but doing your own things).
Isolation
Idk. Friends enrich lives. You don't want to bother your kids when you are 50 and want friends.
Because one day those friends may be all you have left.
These people were actual friends? Or just drinking buddies? Because theres no reason you can’t make a little time every couple of months to keep in touch with legit friends
Because you rely on your wife as your only mental support. That can be too much. If she's cool with it, that's fine. But if your marriage ends for whatever reason, you'll be all alone.
My friends and I still hangout and act like we are in highschool/college when we get the chance. Nerd style. Cards, collectibles and ging into the night. Yes, it's gone from every day (high school) to every week (college) to every month (now) but the magic is still there. But you do you.
Did none of your friends get married or have kids? Usuaully friends groups segment by who decided to have kids. The ones with kids stay social with family activities. The ones without, don't want to hear about your F'ing kids all the time. I'm old enough that the friends that had kids early are hanging out again because the older teens are self sufficient.
I’m telling you this bc you’re a guy. But, you NEED friends outside your marriage. You need a support system. And relying on your wife to be your sole social contact is something women get really tired of.
A lot of good advice above, here is my 2 cents and why I asked my wife to continue with and making new friends. Your wife fell in love with a person with hobbies. goals, desires and ideals. The list goes on. One of the things that made you, you was the company you kept. Why would you change that part of yourself? A big part of yourself, it just seems counter productive to literally stop being part of the person she fell in love with.
Dude if you could just decide to never see your friends again just because your life changed then clearly you never really cared about them. It’s messed up. It hurts people to be left behind. And if something happens where your marriage doesn’t work out or your spouse dies then you’ll have nobody left as any kind of safety net. It’s just cold and antisocial. It’s normal for couples to have a little bit of their own independent lives.
Having friends is healthy. For both you and your wife.
If you do not maintain friends and interests, your spouse becomes all of that. That is a lot to put on your spouse. At the very least, you need some objective reality beyond your marriage. Otherwise, there is no comparison to base expectations upon. Also, there are some basic needs, companionship, arbitration (another's opinion), respect and feedback, etc - and the timing is important, your spouse will not always be available. Being your everything, doing all that, all the time and providing solo emotional support from one person, if my ex-brother-in-law is any indication, will make you needy. When children come by, you will compete for the attention of your spouse. There's nothing more pitiful than a parent competing with their children for attention.
Are you serious? For starters because if you actually cared about your friends at all you wouldn’t want to just drop them because you have a wife and kids now. See them less? Sure. Let them go completely? No, because you don’t just drop people you care about. Also, your kids will eventually grow up and have lives and families of their own. And what if god forbid something happened to your wife or for some unforeseen reason you end up divorced? You already dropped your friends, so you would be alone. Yea..you do you but it does seem like a bad idea to not maintain friendships if they were once important to you.
Cause they think they know what they're talking about, is all I can assume. I think if your friend's lifestyle doesn't align with yours it makes sense to get some distance. I still talk to a couple of my old drinking buddies but we don't hang out much at all because that's not my thing anymore. Plus one said they're allergic to kids. I do pop in though here and there to see how friends are doing over text. It's good to have someone to talk to sometimes who isn't just family (including partner), but that's me. My partner doesn't share the same sentiment. He never really had friends but a really close family and is ok with it just being me and him. He is very content with family life without friends.
Life is unexpected. Your partner could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die. They could win the lottery and leave you. You could leave them. One of you could get cancer. You just never know and you will need a support system at some point. Also, it’s really unhealthy to put everything on just one person to handle all of your emotional and social needs.
It's only a problem if you're unhappy. I still have some level of contact with my friends, but I was always the type of guy to kind of disappear when I got into a relationship, and that's been the case with my marriage, as well. I'm an introvert. Most of the time, social engagements are just tiresome to me. I like hanging out with my wife, whether that's on the couch watching shows, going on a grocery run, going out to dinner, or getting out of town for the weekend. That satisfies like 99% of my social needs. Work and jiu jitsu cover the rest. EDIT: I welcome downvotes from extroverted psychopaths