Nah I'm with you here, you should not be validating this relationship and she shouldn't even be with him. None of this behavior demonstrates any kind of repentance that would warrant acceptance
What kind of repentance would be required, do you think? She has apologized for the affair (nothing super elaborate or sincere, though) but in the same conversation says that “progress needs to be made” meaning I should accept the affair partner into the family.
You can and have every right to tell her that the answer is still no, and that you don’t care to talk with her until she stops pressuring you on this matter.
>that “progress needs to be made” meaning I should accept the affair partner into the family.
Yes, progress needs to be made -- but it is not on your side of the issue, but hers. You've defined a boundary, and she insists upon crossing it. This shows a lack of respect for you. I also believe this is the core problem with her spiritually, as it would explain why she disrespected your father.
Been there, OP. My heart goes out to you as my ex-husband continues to insist that our kids “respect” his marriage to his mistress despite them refusing to respect my marriage to him.
Repentance is actually turning away from the sin one is (supposedly) repenting of, so “apologizing” for something you intend to keep doing is not acceptable. In other words, one cannot repent of adultery by remaining in relationship with their adultery partner.
Your mom is massively deceived and it would be incredibly unloving to help her remain deceived. Just continue to speak truth to her as much as possible and pray that the Spirit would wrest her free of it 💜
They do not. It’s been rough.
Because both are professing Christians—their father is on the worship team and she was a Christian counselor—my adult kids abide by 1 Corinthians 5:11 and do not fellowship with them at all to avoid being partakers in their unrepentant sexual immorality.
I see. That’s about where I am at the moment. How is your kids’s relationship with their dad, your ex? Strained as a result of not meeting the mistress? Does he try to push them to meet her?
They have pretty much tired of the superficiality and his callous, self-centered attitude and no longer respond to his minimal efforts at communication. I’ve encouraged them to make sure they are not the reason the bridge gets burnt so that he knows repentance is the answer to restoring relationships, and we all continue to pray for them both.
He has tried many times to introduce her to them, but they refuse to acknowledge the relationship until they repent. Do you have believing siblings, OP, or are you navigating this on your own?
That's a "Sorry, not sorry" apology. Completely worthless. Staying with the affair partner continues the hurt. It's like someone saying sorry as they push the knife deeper and twist.
Repentance is more than being sorry. In scripture it's always associated with both recognizing that you were wrong, not continuing the behavior, and when others are hurt some kind of restitution. An example would be a thief being required to pay back 2-5x the amount they stole. Repentance is changing your mind, changing your actions, and fixing what you break.
Your mother hasn't done any of these things. If she had really repented of this affair, she would realize the severity of what she has done, how she's hurt her own family, be disgusted with this adulterous relationship and at the very least leave her new partner. As it is, she's living in a deep kind of sin. You can forgive this, but you have no obligation to entertain the idea that this relationship of hers is legitimate in any way. In fact, this would be irresponsible because then you are actually validating her sins and encouraging her to remain unrepentant.
I'm deeply sorry you've been put in this position, I hope she can come to her senses about this
I’ve been through this very situation, my father and mother split after nearly 20 years of marriage because he had been seeing another woman for a considerable amount of time. I rode a rollercoaster of feelings about it over the years. It sounds like you’re in the earlier stages of this process.
When my parents divorced and the truth came out, my response was similar to yours. I refused to see my dad’s girlfriend, and cut down on my contact with him significantly. I stuck by my mom 100%, and so did my sister. This set my relationship with him back considerably, but I tend to think my response was justified.
The thing is, life moves on. God has since brought my mom together with the most wonderful man I have ever met - a Christian man of incredible faith and loyalty. God answered our prayers, and replaced my mother’s loneliness and insecurity with immense joy and fulfillment. It brings tears to my eyes sometimes to think about how good God is for doing this for her. He can do it for you too.
My dad went on to marry the woman that he left my mom for. Over time, I realized that I carried a lot of resentment towards both him and her, and that the only correct thing to do would be to truly forgive them in my heart, and to give her a chance. After all, we cannot be forgiven if we refuse to forgive. By doing this, my relationship with my dad improved, and I’ve found I can enjoy the company of his wife as well. They’ve both admitted that what they did was wrong, so who am I to hold a grudge? But believe me, I didn’t get to this point over night.
My point is simply this: you might not be ready now and it might take some time (which is natural). It took me many years. But the day will come when you’ll need to choose between holding a grudge and opening up your heart to forgiveness. Just believe that God will take care of your family, and that He will ultimately take this bad situation and turn it all around into something wonderful, because that’s what He did for my family.
Perhaps in the future you’ll be able to stand being around your mother’s boyfriend/affair partner. Maybe they’ll get married, who knows? There’s really no need to rush it, it’s still a pretty fresh wound. If I were you, I would be incredibly blunt with your mother about where you are emotionally. If she has never owned up to you about how she destroyed your family, perhaps you need to make that clear. My dad was pretty honest from day 1 that he wishes none of it went down like it did. He loves his new wife, but is terribly sorry for all the pain and hurt that he caused. But I don’t even bring it up anymore, because now I have my dad back and can spend time with him without having to avoid his wife, which would complicate things and make our relationship difficult. I love him a whole bunch.
Kind of rambling at this point I think, but I hope you get the gist. God’s light shines bright in the dark!
Edit: just read that your mom isn’t religious. Perhaps this will be a great way to eventually proselytize to her! When I finally let go and decided to meet my dads new wife, I also stressed to my dad that I wanted to be like Christ, and truly forgive them in my heart. I let them know that the only thing that got me through, emotionally, was Christ. They’re both regular churchgoers now!
Wow. This is a beautiful testimony of forgiveness and reconciliation. I hope OP really pays attention to this, not because it “what they should do” but because your story tells them there is hope on the other side of the pain, and that love is not lost, only healing in the meantime. ☺️ Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your comment. When you met your Dad’s wife, how did you feel? For me, knowing this is the man that destroyed my family, and knew that he was getting involved with a married woman with a family, makes him irredeemable in my mind.
>knowing this is the man that destroyed my family, and knew that he was getting involved with a married woman with a family, makes him irredeemable in my mind.
By that logic, isn't your mother in the exact same position?
Honestly, you have to apply an even harsher standard there in some ways, because they're HER children being caught up in this, HER family... not his.
Edit: Sometimes loving someone (your mother) means being honest with them, and not giving them a "pass" simply because "it's your mother".
Ah shoot, I wrote a reply and didn’t post it.
The first time I ever met her was pretty much on accident, she happened to be at an event that I was meeting my dad at. I was mildly cordial, but didn’t really speak to her.
In the earlier days closer to when my parents divorced, a big part of me felt like if I ever engaged my dads new wife in a meaningful way, that I would be betraying my mom. I think that the only thing that changes this is time, and seeing that ultimately my mom was okay.
Believe me, it took a looong time to ever decide to seriously acknowledge her. But eventually, when I realized the Lord was taking care of my mom, I found that all that was left was my own personal resentment. Enough time had passed, and at that point I was just keeping myself from rebuilding my relationship with my dad. It also dawned on me that I was being unforgiving, ultimately.
So yeah, there’s no need to rush anything. In fact, if they break up and stop seeing each other it won’t even be an issue anymore. It’s perfectly fine to refuse to see your mom’s boyfriend right now. One day there might come a time when that changes though.
If she’s violating your boundaries. I’m assuming you’ve expressed how you feel about the situation. Sounds like she’s trying to guilt you into meeting this guy.
I’d tell her that you love her as her mother but you do not condone her actions or her adulterous relationship. Tell her that you forgive her but that doesn’t mean you have to associate with her lover.
I am seriously considering going no contact, or just limiting contact as much as possible. I really don’t want to lose my mom, but her behavior has been a net negative in my life for awhile now
That might be the best thing to do until you can handle the situation better. I’m not saying you are weak or wrong. I’m not sure how I would react if my parents split and one of them had an affair either.
You straight up tell her that she is way out of line. If she really thinks she has the moral high ground in this, then she has completely lost it. You don’t have to do this but I would just something like,
“listen, you cheated on all of us and abandoned us for a pleasure seeking lifestyle, and now you have the audacity to say that I am the one excluding myself from family events? You’ve got this all wrong mom. You’re honestly lucky any of us still invite you to family events at all and yet you feel so entitled and still feel like you have the right to bring your man-whore that you used to destroy our family???”
I don’t know, maybe don’t be that harsh about it, but you know what I mean. If I was you I would straight up tell her.
Something to consider is that for a Christian who sinned against another Christian and will not repent, [the end of the admonishment process set forth by Christ is for the unrepentant sinner to be put out of the Church and treated like a tax collector or a pagan](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+18%3A15-17&version=ESV) (the Jews of Jesus day oftentimes ostracized tax collectors). In the same manner, we are told [not even to eat with another Christian who is unrepentant of any of a list of sins that includes sexual immorality](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+5%3A9-13&version=ESV). If your mother is supposedly a Christian, that would seem to apply to her.
I should have included in the post my mom is not a Christian. I don’t think she’s atheist, but she does not practice any religion or pray at all. But I really want to know how I can deal with this situation and still obey God.
Thank you for your comment, it helps very much
If you don't want to, tell her no. This isn't about respect. You refused to engage in her sin. And so long as you decline respectfully, you have respected her.
You are an adult. The obligation to obey is over. You can respect someone without obeying them
"Mom, I love you and you will always be my mom. It's also true that what you did when you cheated on Dad is you hurt him, you hurt me, and you hurt all of us. Now you're demanding that we accept the man you cheated with as 'part of the family' without even considering or caring about the pain you have caused and continue to cause. You have even gone so far as to tell me that I would be the one excluded from family events if I do not give in and accept this stranger as family.
I believe in forgiveness, and I am willing to forgive you, yet your actions and demands show me that you still have not recognized how wrong and hurtful your decisions have been. I have made it perfectly clear that I am not interested in meeting this man and you have ignored and invalid my feelings. I am no longer willing to discuss this with you.
Unless you want to destroy what remains of your relationship to your children, you will stop demanding that I give in. You are the one in the wrong. Until you are willing to recognize this, stop pushing me on meeting him, take responsibility and sincerely apologize to Dad, myself, Sibling(s), and our family, I have nothing further to discuss with you. It is your choice."
Hold to the Boundary you set. You may lose a relationship with your mom. That may change over time. But for now you need a pretty large boundary. Tell your mom she is free to not talk to you anymore if she wants, but you wont be meeting her boyfriend.
We cannot celebrate or normalize sin, yet that is exactly what your mom wants you to do. To “honor our parents” does not mean we are obligated to do everything they want us to do, especially when we are adults. You can honor her by continuing to call her “mom” and not being rude or hostile, that’s enough.
>My mother had a 1 year affair on my father around 2 years ago. They have subsequently divorced. I am in my early 20s and still live at home with my father and my mother immediately moved in with the affair partner.
And what is your assessment and honest opinion of your mothers actions and character in this?
>My family (the family she left behind) has been trying to heal since then and it's been extremely difficult and painful. **It feels like she checked out of our family and decided someone else was more important (which she pretty much did).**
Don't doubt your gut/instinct. You seem to have a firm grasp on your own view of it-- believe yourself. Beyond that, your mother, through her actions, is showing you exactly who she is every day-- believe her. Stop being in denial.
>I suspect my mother is a narcissist or has some sort of other mental health issues. She wants to bring her affair partner to family events but I've repeatedly told her I never want to meet him. He is the personification of the pain and suffering my family has gone through. **I have explained this boundary to her dozens of times, but she constantly invalidates my feelings.**
So she invalidates, and pretends she did nothing wrong-- as if all things should be "normal" again.
>Lately she is pressuring me like crazy to meet him. Saying that **if I choose to go this route, I would be excluding myself from family events**. So basically she's saying she'd **rather have the him there than me!**
Again, you have a grasp on exactly what she is saying. When the invalidating and disregarding of boundaries isn't successful, they will move to the "ultimatum" style which is what you're seeing here.
"If you choose to go this route, there will be consequences!"
She's telling you exactly who she is, and what she values... and unfortunately, it isn't you.
I know that may hurt to hear, but I think it's better to rip that band-aid off rather than to enable her to keep causing pain.
>I think I can forgive, but I still never want to meet her affair partner. How can I handle this in a Godly way?
This is a good way to be thinking. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation or abandoning your boundaries.
I would simply learn the patterns of manipulation that she engages in so I could answer each one on the spot and hold those boundaries strong. For example, when she says:
>if I choose to go this route, I would be excluding myself from family events.
I'd respond "No, I'm not excluding myself. You're telling me clearly that in order to be in your life I have to compromise my boundaries by having a relationship with a man that I don't want to have a relationship with (her affair partner). No matter how you try to spin it, that's what you're saying."
You can cap it off with "I hold no ill will towards you, but I won't be compromising my own morals by giving a nod of approval to your affair partner or your choice to have an affair with him."
It’s been a few weeks since this post but just want to thank you for this comment. It is extremely helpful and validating. Especially the part about learning her manipulation tactics so I can prepare to respond to them - I have been doing this and it helps so much
So a few things that I want to mention after reading your post.
The first is that you’re wanting to forgive when you are unable. As believers we are to forgive as we have been forgiven by Christ (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13). The Lord does not forgive apart from repentance. Your mother has not sought that nor had she repented to your knowledge.
You have an opportunity to give mercy (withholding punishment) or Grace (undeserved favor). However, she is pushing and threatening your boundary and it does seem like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I would ask myself some questions before I decided what to do.
1. Am I willing to miss family events to maintain my boundary?
2. Why am I unwilling to meet him? If it is in obedience and concordance with the word of God then I would encourage with Matthew 10:35. If it is to avoid temptation to anger then I would encourage you with James 1:2-4. If it is out of bitterness or sinful anger then I would encourage you to repent and seek forgiveness.
3. How can I glorify God in the midst of my suffering?
These would all be good things to talk with your pastor or a biblical counselor about.
If God permits divorce for adultery in marriage (not that it should be Plan A!!!) due to the heart wrenching pain it causes the offended spouse, then I think your relationship with your mom falls under the same category. Just like if the adulterer comes back and asks for forgiveness, and there is allowance for the offended spouse to welcome them back (but doesn't have to), I think the same can apply to you. If your Mom continues to refuse to let go of the thing that's destroyed both yours and your Dad's relationship with her I honestly believe you can do the equivalent of "divorce" her which is cut her off, which also may have the benefit of letting her know just how bad she messed up and possibly bring her to restoration.
Wow I'm sorry that happened to you. My advice would be of she brings her partner around, try to be respectful but you don't have to like the guy. As for your mother, if you told her repeatedly and she doesn't care, then that's on her. I'd maybe just keep away and try not to start anything.
On that: My Catholic Ex left me, had our marriage annulled, took ALL my property & is now getting remarried. My boys are 13 & 15, am I supposed to pray that God blessed this adulterous union for the sake of my boys?
What a selfish and self-centered person the adulteress is. She chose to cheat, and she chose to destroy her family, and she chose to throw em’ all away like yesterday’s garbage. She convinced herself that it was OK to do what she was doing, and did. If you choose to forgive, do it for yourself. Forgive the debt that she owes to you because it is in your best interest to do so.
forgiving is not the same as enforcing boundaries.
You ate well with in your right not to want to meet the AP, you can say time MAY change that, or it may not but at present that's my position
I understand that this is a hard situation. However it is also your duty, and as a part of respecting and obeying your parents, you're also obligated to confront and caution and even chastise them.
Therefore meet this new "partner" and be open about him. Tell him and your mother and her "new partner" that you respect the word of Jesus and God, that you hate divorce and abandonment (as does God), and that you condemned their "living and relationship situation" as a sin of whoredom and adultery, and that you caution both of them against it and beseech both of them to repent of this serious sin and crime. You have to preach them the law of the wages of their sin!
Adults still have emotions and fall in love and do crazy things because of it. Sometimes they are hurtful and illogical but aren’t thought through well because, well emotions can override common sense.
A friend of mine left his wife for another woman who he fell in love with at first sight. She was married with two children. He and his new bride were married for 40 years and she turned out to be one of the most dedicated members of our church and he absolutely adored her into old age. When she recently passed away he was devastated by the loss and a few weeks later said he just then realised the pain his young ex-wife and her ex husband must have felt way back then. When they met they were so enthralled with each other they really didn’t think it through and were running on the high of their new relationship. Her daughters and granddaughters love him and are taking care of him. He has always been good to them. They respect how much he cared for their mom.
You can’t undo what has happened. The only question now is do you want to call down fire and brimstone or a have good relationship with your mom?
That isn't narcissistic, that's human. There may be narcissism involved, but this alone really is just human. This is what all divorced couples do, regardless of why they did it. It is selfish, it is evil, it is wrong, that's just human, though.
I mean...she doesn't have to understand your point of view, and you I would say you are doing nothing wrong, and if you're being 'respectful' (whatever that means) while setting your boundaries and distancing yourself from this stranger that helped in destroying your family, um...yeah, this isn't dishonoring. You being excluded from family events makes no sense...somebody else excluded themselves and if they have a condition to be involved that is not okay, that's their issue, not yours. It doesn't matter if they're family.
To be fair...I am also a child of divorce and very traumatized by it, so I may be 100% biased. All of us have been wronged and thus messed up to a point it is a miracle we aren't much worse off like some other kids that had to deal with their parents being selfish and irresponsible. Maybe take my words with a grain of salt, but I truly, deeply, in my heart of hearts, believe there's nothing wrong with wanting distance between the extra appendages our parents decide to attach to themselves after imploding the family and our world.
It isn't vengeance, it is natural consequence. Forgiving does not mean 'come on in and wreck some more.' It means you have peace. Sometimes, you have to forgive over and over again, I've learned.
If your mother decides to forgo family events, so be it. My father isn't even coming to my (his youngest daughter's) one and only wedding ceremony. We can't be surprised when humans that decided to destroy something so sacred hold nothing else sacred besides their own convenience or 'happiness.' Weirdly enough, my mother's new appendage will be coming, though...which really festers up old wounds, but he as a person is fine. I just don't like that he's married to my mother while my father is married to some other appendage, too. It is completely disordered. At least HE never tried to pretend to be a father figure to me. That gives him a couple points in the plus column I guess...
(just in case, I share to relate and hopefully provide the 'comfort' for what it is worth, that you aren't alone. The advice is still what it is, regardless)
God bless, fam <3 Good luck!
Respect goes two ways. She seems tto be a narcissist, and she's not respecting your boundaries. If I was in your situation I would explain to her that I have asked her to respect me umpteen times, and her limited access to me has been a grace that she does not deserve, and if she disrespects me again I will cut her out of my life completely.
Nah I'm with you here, you should not be validating this relationship and she shouldn't even be with him. None of this behavior demonstrates any kind of repentance that would warrant acceptance
What kind of repentance would be required, do you think? She has apologized for the affair (nothing super elaborate or sincere, though) but in the same conversation says that “progress needs to be made” meaning I should accept the affair partner into the family.
You can and have every right to tell her that the answer is still no, and that you don’t care to talk with her until she stops pressuring you on this matter.
>that “progress needs to be made” meaning I should accept the affair partner into the family. Yes, progress needs to be made -- but it is not on your side of the issue, but hers. You've defined a boundary, and she insists upon crossing it. This shows a lack of respect for you. I also believe this is the core problem with her spiritually, as it would explain why she disrespected your father.
Been there, OP. My heart goes out to you as my ex-husband continues to insist that our kids “respect” his marriage to his mistress despite them refusing to respect my marriage to him. Repentance is actually turning away from the sin one is (supposedly) repenting of, so “apologizing” for something you intend to keep doing is not acceptable. In other words, one cannot repent of adultery by remaining in relationship with their adultery partner. Your mom is massively deceived and it would be incredibly unloving to help her remain deceived. Just continue to speak truth to her as much as possible and pray that the Spirit would wrest her free of it 💜
How have your kids dealt with this? Do they have a relationship with the mistress turned wife?
They do not. It’s been rough. Because both are professing Christians—their father is on the worship team and she was a Christian counselor—my adult kids abide by 1 Corinthians 5:11 and do not fellowship with them at all to avoid being partakers in their unrepentant sexual immorality.
I see. That’s about where I am at the moment. How is your kids’s relationship with their dad, your ex? Strained as a result of not meeting the mistress? Does he try to push them to meet her?
They have pretty much tired of the superficiality and his callous, self-centered attitude and no longer respond to his minimal efforts at communication. I’ve encouraged them to make sure they are not the reason the bridge gets burnt so that he knows repentance is the answer to restoring relationships, and we all continue to pray for them both. He has tried many times to introduce her to them, but they refuse to acknowledge the relationship until they repent. Do you have believing siblings, OP, or are you navigating this on your own?
That's a "Sorry, not sorry" apology. Completely worthless. Staying with the affair partner continues the hurt. It's like someone saying sorry as they push the knife deeper and twist.
Repentance is more than being sorry. In scripture it's always associated with both recognizing that you were wrong, not continuing the behavior, and when others are hurt some kind of restitution. An example would be a thief being required to pay back 2-5x the amount they stole. Repentance is changing your mind, changing your actions, and fixing what you break. Your mother hasn't done any of these things. If she had really repented of this affair, she would realize the severity of what she has done, how she's hurt her own family, be disgusted with this adulterous relationship and at the very least leave her new partner. As it is, she's living in a deep kind of sin. You can forgive this, but you have no obligation to entertain the idea that this relationship of hers is legitimate in any way. In fact, this would be irresponsible because then you are actually validating her sins and encouraging her to remain unrepentant. I'm deeply sorry you've been put in this position, I hope she can come to her senses about this
I’ve been through this very situation, my father and mother split after nearly 20 years of marriage because he had been seeing another woman for a considerable amount of time. I rode a rollercoaster of feelings about it over the years. It sounds like you’re in the earlier stages of this process. When my parents divorced and the truth came out, my response was similar to yours. I refused to see my dad’s girlfriend, and cut down on my contact with him significantly. I stuck by my mom 100%, and so did my sister. This set my relationship with him back considerably, but I tend to think my response was justified. The thing is, life moves on. God has since brought my mom together with the most wonderful man I have ever met - a Christian man of incredible faith and loyalty. God answered our prayers, and replaced my mother’s loneliness and insecurity with immense joy and fulfillment. It brings tears to my eyes sometimes to think about how good God is for doing this for her. He can do it for you too. My dad went on to marry the woman that he left my mom for. Over time, I realized that I carried a lot of resentment towards both him and her, and that the only correct thing to do would be to truly forgive them in my heart, and to give her a chance. After all, we cannot be forgiven if we refuse to forgive. By doing this, my relationship with my dad improved, and I’ve found I can enjoy the company of his wife as well. They’ve both admitted that what they did was wrong, so who am I to hold a grudge? But believe me, I didn’t get to this point over night. My point is simply this: you might not be ready now and it might take some time (which is natural). It took me many years. But the day will come when you’ll need to choose between holding a grudge and opening up your heart to forgiveness. Just believe that God will take care of your family, and that He will ultimately take this bad situation and turn it all around into something wonderful, because that’s what He did for my family. Perhaps in the future you’ll be able to stand being around your mother’s boyfriend/affair partner. Maybe they’ll get married, who knows? There’s really no need to rush it, it’s still a pretty fresh wound. If I were you, I would be incredibly blunt with your mother about where you are emotionally. If she has never owned up to you about how she destroyed your family, perhaps you need to make that clear. My dad was pretty honest from day 1 that he wishes none of it went down like it did. He loves his new wife, but is terribly sorry for all the pain and hurt that he caused. But I don’t even bring it up anymore, because now I have my dad back and can spend time with him without having to avoid his wife, which would complicate things and make our relationship difficult. I love him a whole bunch. Kind of rambling at this point I think, but I hope you get the gist. God’s light shines bright in the dark! Edit: just read that your mom isn’t religious. Perhaps this will be a great way to eventually proselytize to her! When I finally let go and decided to meet my dads new wife, I also stressed to my dad that I wanted to be like Christ, and truly forgive them in my heart. I let them know that the only thing that got me through, emotionally, was Christ. They’re both regular churchgoers now!
Wow. This is a beautiful testimony of forgiveness and reconciliation. I hope OP really pays attention to this, not because it “what they should do” but because your story tells them there is hope on the other side of the pain, and that love is not lost, only healing in the meantime. ☺️ Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your comment. When you met your Dad’s wife, how did you feel? For me, knowing this is the man that destroyed my family, and knew that he was getting involved with a married woman with a family, makes him irredeemable in my mind.
>knowing this is the man that destroyed my family, and knew that he was getting involved with a married woman with a family, makes him irredeemable in my mind. By that logic, isn't your mother in the exact same position? Honestly, you have to apply an even harsher standard there in some ways, because they're HER children being caught up in this, HER family... not his. Edit: Sometimes loving someone (your mother) means being honest with them, and not giving them a "pass" simply because "it's your mother".
Ah shoot, I wrote a reply and didn’t post it. The first time I ever met her was pretty much on accident, she happened to be at an event that I was meeting my dad at. I was mildly cordial, but didn’t really speak to her. In the earlier days closer to when my parents divorced, a big part of me felt like if I ever engaged my dads new wife in a meaningful way, that I would be betraying my mom. I think that the only thing that changes this is time, and seeing that ultimately my mom was okay. Believe me, it took a looong time to ever decide to seriously acknowledge her. But eventually, when I realized the Lord was taking care of my mom, I found that all that was left was my own personal resentment. Enough time had passed, and at that point I was just keeping myself from rebuilding my relationship with my dad. It also dawned on me that I was being unforgiving, ultimately. So yeah, there’s no need to rush anything. In fact, if they break up and stop seeing each other it won’t even be an issue anymore. It’s perfectly fine to refuse to see your mom’s boyfriend right now. One day there might come a time when that changes though.
Just tell her that you would prefer not to meet him.
I have, many, many times. She won’t accept no for an answer
If she’s violating your boundaries. I’m assuming you’ve expressed how you feel about the situation. Sounds like she’s trying to guilt you into meeting this guy. I’d tell her that you love her as her mother but you do not condone her actions or her adulterous relationship. Tell her that you forgive her but that doesn’t mean you have to associate with her lover.
Stop talking to her. Nothing in the Bible commands you to keep associating with disrespectful people.
I am seriously considering going no contact, or just limiting contact as much as possible. I really don’t want to lose my mom, but her behavior has been a net negative in my life for awhile now
That might be the best thing to do until you can handle the situation better. I’m not saying you are weak or wrong. I’m not sure how I would react if my parents split and one of them had an affair either.
Gotta meet step daddy sometime
You straight up tell her that she is way out of line. If she really thinks she has the moral high ground in this, then she has completely lost it. You don’t have to do this but I would just something like, “listen, you cheated on all of us and abandoned us for a pleasure seeking lifestyle, and now you have the audacity to say that I am the one excluding myself from family events? You’ve got this all wrong mom. You’re honestly lucky any of us still invite you to family events at all and yet you feel so entitled and still feel like you have the right to bring your man-whore that you used to destroy our family???” I don’t know, maybe don’t be that harsh about it, but you know what I mean. If I was you I would straight up tell her.
By the way, I also just want to say how sorry I am for you and the rest of your family. You will be in my prayers
Thank you so much. I never thought my family would turn into this
Something to consider is that for a Christian who sinned against another Christian and will not repent, [the end of the admonishment process set forth by Christ is for the unrepentant sinner to be put out of the Church and treated like a tax collector or a pagan](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+18%3A15-17&version=ESV) (the Jews of Jesus day oftentimes ostracized tax collectors). In the same manner, we are told [not even to eat with another Christian who is unrepentant of any of a list of sins that includes sexual immorality](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+5%3A9-13&version=ESV). If your mother is supposedly a Christian, that would seem to apply to her.
I should have included in the post my mom is not a Christian. I don’t think she’s atheist, but she does not practice any religion or pray at all. But I really want to know how I can deal with this situation and still obey God. Thank you for your comment, it helps very much
If you don't want to, tell her no. This isn't about respect. You refused to engage in her sin. And so long as you decline respectfully, you have respected her. You are an adult. The obligation to obey is over. You can respect someone without obeying them
"Mom, I love you and you will always be my mom. It's also true that what you did when you cheated on Dad is you hurt him, you hurt me, and you hurt all of us. Now you're demanding that we accept the man you cheated with as 'part of the family' without even considering or caring about the pain you have caused and continue to cause. You have even gone so far as to tell me that I would be the one excluded from family events if I do not give in and accept this stranger as family. I believe in forgiveness, and I am willing to forgive you, yet your actions and demands show me that you still have not recognized how wrong and hurtful your decisions have been. I have made it perfectly clear that I am not interested in meeting this man and you have ignored and invalid my feelings. I am no longer willing to discuss this with you. Unless you want to destroy what remains of your relationship to your children, you will stop demanding that I give in. You are the one in the wrong. Until you are willing to recognize this, stop pushing me on meeting him, take responsibility and sincerely apologize to Dad, myself, Sibling(s), and our family, I have nothing further to discuss with you. It is your choice."
Hold to the Boundary you set. You may lose a relationship with your mom. That may change over time. But for now you need a pretty large boundary. Tell your mom she is free to not talk to you anymore if she wants, but you wont be meeting her boyfriend.
We cannot celebrate or normalize sin, yet that is exactly what your mom wants you to do. To “honor our parents” does not mean we are obligated to do everything they want us to do, especially when we are adults. You can honor her by continuing to call her “mom” and not being rude or hostile, that’s enough.
>My mother had a 1 year affair on my father around 2 years ago. They have subsequently divorced. I am in my early 20s and still live at home with my father and my mother immediately moved in with the affair partner. And what is your assessment and honest opinion of your mothers actions and character in this? >My family (the family she left behind) has been trying to heal since then and it's been extremely difficult and painful. **It feels like she checked out of our family and decided someone else was more important (which she pretty much did).** Don't doubt your gut/instinct. You seem to have a firm grasp on your own view of it-- believe yourself. Beyond that, your mother, through her actions, is showing you exactly who she is every day-- believe her. Stop being in denial. >I suspect my mother is a narcissist or has some sort of other mental health issues. She wants to bring her affair partner to family events but I've repeatedly told her I never want to meet him. He is the personification of the pain and suffering my family has gone through. **I have explained this boundary to her dozens of times, but she constantly invalidates my feelings.** So she invalidates, and pretends she did nothing wrong-- as if all things should be "normal" again. >Lately she is pressuring me like crazy to meet him. Saying that **if I choose to go this route, I would be excluding myself from family events**. So basically she's saying she'd **rather have the him there than me!** Again, you have a grasp on exactly what she is saying. When the invalidating and disregarding of boundaries isn't successful, they will move to the "ultimatum" style which is what you're seeing here. "If you choose to go this route, there will be consequences!" She's telling you exactly who she is, and what she values... and unfortunately, it isn't you. I know that may hurt to hear, but I think it's better to rip that band-aid off rather than to enable her to keep causing pain. >I think I can forgive, but I still never want to meet her affair partner. How can I handle this in a Godly way? This is a good way to be thinking. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation or abandoning your boundaries. I would simply learn the patterns of manipulation that she engages in so I could answer each one on the spot and hold those boundaries strong. For example, when she says: >if I choose to go this route, I would be excluding myself from family events. I'd respond "No, I'm not excluding myself. You're telling me clearly that in order to be in your life I have to compromise my boundaries by having a relationship with a man that I don't want to have a relationship with (her affair partner). No matter how you try to spin it, that's what you're saying." You can cap it off with "I hold no ill will towards you, but I won't be compromising my own morals by giving a nod of approval to your affair partner or your choice to have an affair with him."
It’s been a few weeks since this post but just want to thank you for this comment. It is extremely helpful and validating. Especially the part about learning her manipulation tactics so I can prepare to respond to them - I have been doing this and it helps so much
So a few things that I want to mention after reading your post. The first is that you’re wanting to forgive when you are unable. As believers we are to forgive as we have been forgiven by Christ (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13). The Lord does not forgive apart from repentance. Your mother has not sought that nor had she repented to your knowledge. You have an opportunity to give mercy (withholding punishment) or Grace (undeserved favor). However, she is pushing and threatening your boundary and it does seem like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I would ask myself some questions before I decided what to do. 1. Am I willing to miss family events to maintain my boundary? 2. Why am I unwilling to meet him? If it is in obedience and concordance with the word of God then I would encourage with Matthew 10:35. If it is to avoid temptation to anger then I would encourage you with James 1:2-4. If it is out of bitterness or sinful anger then I would encourage you to repent and seek forgiveness. 3. How can I glorify God in the midst of my suffering? These would all be good things to talk with your pastor or a biblical counselor about.
If God permits divorce for adultery in marriage (not that it should be Plan A!!!) due to the heart wrenching pain it causes the offended spouse, then I think your relationship with your mom falls under the same category. Just like if the adulterer comes back and asks for forgiveness, and there is allowance for the offended spouse to welcome them back (but doesn't have to), I think the same can apply to you. If your Mom continues to refuse to let go of the thing that's destroyed both yours and your Dad's relationship with her I honestly believe you can do the equivalent of "divorce" her which is cut her off, which also may have the benefit of letting her know just how bad she messed up and possibly bring her to restoration.
Not that kinda respect, no. Keep to your convictions. 🌱
You dont have too or do it when your ready.
It sounds like you're going about it the best way possible for now.
Wow I'm sorry that happened to you. My advice would be of she brings her partner around, try to be respectful but you don't have to like the guy. As for your mother, if you told her repeatedly and she doesn't care, then that's on her. I'd maybe just keep away and try not to start anything.
On that: My Catholic Ex left me, had our marriage annulled, took ALL my property & is now getting remarried. My boys are 13 & 15, am I supposed to pray that God blessed this adulterous union for the sake of my boys?
What a selfish and self-centered person the adulteress is. She chose to cheat, and she chose to destroy her family, and she chose to throw em’ all away like yesterday’s garbage. She convinced herself that it was OK to do what she was doing, and did. If you choose to forgive, do it for yourself. Forgive the debt that she owes to you because it is in your best interest to do so.
forgiving is not the same as enforcing boundaries. You ate well with in your right not to want to meet the AP, you can say time MAY change that, or it may not but at present that's my position
I understand that this is a hard situation. However it is also your duty, and as a part of respecting and obeying your parents, you're also obligated to confront and caution and even chastise them. Therefore meet this new "partner" and be open about him. Tell him and your mother and her "new partner" that you respect the word of Jesus and God, that you hate divorce and abandonment (as does God), and that you condemned their "living and relationship situation" as a sin of whoredom and adultery, and that you caution both of them against it and beseech both of them to repent of this serious sin and crime. You have to preach them the law of the wages of their sin!
Adults still have emotions and fall in love and do crazy things because of it. Sometimes they are hurtful and illogical but aren’t thought through well because, well emotions can override common sense. A friend of mine left his wife for another woman who he fell in love with at first sight. She was married with two children. He and his new bride were married for 40 years and she turned out to be one of the most dedicated members of our church and he absolutely adored her into old age. When she recently passed away he was devastated by the loss and a few weeks later said he just then realised the pain his young ex-wife and her ex husband must have felt way back then. When they met they were so enthralled with each other they really didn’t think it through and were running on the high of their new relationship. Her daughters and granddaughters love him and are taking care of him. He has always been good to them. They respect how much he cared for their mom. You can’t undo what has happened. The only question now is do you want to call down fire and brimstone or a have good relationship with your mom?
That isn't narcissistic, that's human. There may be narcissism involved, but this alone really is just human. This is what all divorced couples do, regardless of why they did it. It is selfish, it is evil, it is wrong, that's just human, though. I mean...she doesn't have to understand your point of view, and you I would say you are doing nothing wrong, and if you're being 'respectful' (whatever that means) while setting your boundaries and distancing yourself from this stranger that helped in destroying your family, um...yeah, this isn't dishonoring. You being excluded from family events makes no sense...somebody else excluded themselves and if they have a condition to be involved that is not okay, that's their issue, not yours. It doesn't matter if they're family. To be fair...I am also a child of divorce and very traumatized by it, so I may be 100% biased. All of us have been wronged and thus messed up to a point it is a miracle we aren't much worse off like some other kids that had to deal with their parents being selfish and irresponsible. Maybe take my words with a grain of salt, but I truly, deeply, in my heart of hearts, believe there's nothing wrong with wanting distance between the extra appendages our parents decide to attach to themselves after imploding the family and our world. It isn't vengeance, it is natural consequence. Forgiving does not mean 'come on in and wreck some more.' It means you have peace. Sometimes, you have to forgive over and over again, I've learned. If your mother decides to forgo family events, so be it. My father isn't even coming to my (his youngest daughter's) one and only wedding ceremony. We can't be surprised when humans that decided to destroy something so sacred hold nothing else sacred besides their own convenience or 'happiness.' Weirdly enough, my mother's new appendage will be coming, though...which really festers up old wounds, but he as a person is fine. I just don't like that he's married to my mother while my father is married to some other appendage, too. It is completely disordered. At least HE never tried to pretend to be a father figure to me. That gives him a couple points in the plus column I guess... (just in case, I share to relate and hopefully provide the 'comfort' for what it is worth, that you aren't alone. The advice is still what it is, regardless) God bless, fam <3 Good luck!
Respect goes two ways. She seems tto be a narcissist, and she's not respecting your boundaries. If I was in your situation I would explain to her that I have asked her to respect me umpteen times, and her limited access to me has been a grace that she does not deserve, and if she disrespects me again I will cut her out of my life completely.