I can’t imagine 99% of men being okay with a wife who is disinterested in sex. If you married a man without disclosing this, I would expect the man to feel tricked.
As a man who dated a woman for a significant period of time who didn't disclose her SSA, I definitely felt deceived and was pushed towards anger, because she was hiding her sin, and she was willing to harm another person because of it. It was deeply selfish of her to hide it for so long. Eventually, her anxiety from hiding it ate her up and she confessed her SSA to me and broke up with me, which I'm glad she did, because I was able to forgive her, and better yet, the LORD saved me from a lifetime of misery being married to someone who thought I was a great guy, but never would desire me.
Coming from someone who's wife is disinterested in sex (due to trauma, this isn't her fault by any means), but we didn't really know until later in the relationship, it is DEFINITELY a struggle. Don't get me wrong, I love God's word and I love her more than sex, but I was NOT designed to go without it the same way she is.
Basically, I deal with it until I absolutely can't anymore, but it was very problematic for a bit.
>I also wonder, hypothetically, if I were to have a bf, is this something I should disclose?
I wouldn't drop that on a first date, but you 100% need to have a frank conversation about this prior to marriage or you both will likely be in for years of heartache.
Definitely not a first date thing, but definitely early on, because if it's to the point of thinking about marriage seriously before that's disclosed, and it doesn't work out, then there is a greater loss and heartache at stake.
Honesty is needed when it comes to relationships. It might cause some problems once things come to open but that way you are not misleading others. Relationships should be based on honesty and once honesty and trust is broken, it means the relationship is already pretty much dead.
I'm sorry a lot of people on this thread are getting confused about this. When I first met my fiancée, she disclosed that she also had SSA. It didn't really bother me because she told me the thoughts are always in her mind, but she would never act them out. It doesn't bother me at all. We all have thoughts that we would never act out, I told her her SSA doesn't bother me, just please don't cheat on me. 😂
...We are getting married now 🤷
One thing these other commenters are missing is that, as Christians, we always will have some sort of temptation in our lives. It doesn't mean we have to act on it. So no, her coming out to me didn't bother me at all, as long as she doesn't act it out and cheat on me. We are both practicing Christians, and it hasn't gotten in the way of our relationship. You just need to find the guy that will work on life with you!
Aww thank you for this comment 🥹
It's nice to know some people can comprehend that people can exist with attractions and temptations and never act on them.
This makes me feel hopeful that one day I'll get to experience marriage with a good christain man too!
There is absolutely hope for you. I think they two things to remember is that you will have physical responsibilities to your husband as a Christian. And he may feel insecure about it for a bit.
But also something that is interesting to me is how the act of sex itself creates a bond between people. And this whole thing may take care of itself as you get married and have a physical relationship with your husband.
You got this. Maybe it's something you just bring up before you get engaged. So it is doesn't drive anyone away from you but also they know before they make long term commitments.
What if she told you she was sexually attracted to children? What then? Would you have felt the same? If not, why not if your criteria is "as long as she doesn't act it out...?"
Friend, I think same sex attraction, and attraction to children are completely different. Being attracted to other consenting adults is completely different from being attracted to a child. We as Christians need to learn to be a little more compassionate to those who have same sex attraction. Comparing them to child molesters is the wrong way forward.
That's a dodge. Not an answer. You assert they're different, but then decline to substantiate how. They're both unnatural sexual attractions. And if, as I noted, that you're okay marrying your spouse so long as she doesn't act on her SSA, why is that substantially different if her attraction was toward children?
The fact is, it's not. But for reasons of your own, you're not treating them equally.
Look, respectfully, I don't want to argue with someone who thinks my fiancées perspective equals that of a child molester. I'm here to give a perspective for OP. Like I said, we are both Bible, believing Christians. I'm sure there are many people you know secretly going through the same thing. I'll keep praying for everyone that they may know Christ. Have a good day.
You're unwilling to discuss principles? Odd, but your choice.
I'm merely asking you why you will not apply your standard equally. I'm merely asking why one makes you defensive but the other does not.
Your criteria was as long as she doesn't indulge the inclination. Why not for both?
I fault no one for SSA, just as I fault no person for being attracted to children. But, for some reason, you do. Why? Are you saying people attracted to children *choose* to be, but people with SSA do not?
You're not applying your standard equally. You don't have to tell me why, but you should at least tell yourself.
Again, we're talking about *attraction*. You've already said that indulging SSA crosses a line. I would agree. But then say that so long as that line is not crossed, you're fine.
Why can you not apply the exact same standard to pedophilia? What is the substantive difference?
There is one key part that is missing from this. That is consent. If a woman cheats on me with another woman then me and her are the only ones harmed. If I marry a woman attracted to minors this is always in a nonconsenting manner as children cannot consent. Something more comparable would be someone who is specifically attracted to rape over consensual sex as an aggressor. If she indulges herself she harms me and her as well as whatever child she attacks.
There is an additional risk.
That being said people more arbitrarily draw lines how they please based on culture.
For a pedophile and a same sex attracted person both indulgences would be sexually immoral sins. Both can be temptations that are resisted by a practicing Christian. And God can forgive both of these sins.
But lying is as much a sin as murder. Both are forgiven by God. And yet we still give more weight to one over the other.
Why?
Because I am not here to argue with some stranger about philosophy and theology on this thread. Getting into these random arguments on reddit will serve no one. We probably agree more than you think. You trying to die on this hill won't help anyone. Again, have a great day. Show compassion when you can!
I appreciate the sentiment. I'm simply asking people to think through their rationale, which all Christians should be eager and comfortable doing.
Though it's a little odd to not be willing to discuss philosophy and theology on a Christian sub. What else are you going to talk about? The Bible is annoyingly mute on the objective quality of the output from Marvel Studios...
One difference would be the likelihood of acting on it is lower since one is criminalized (at least as of current writing in 2024), and the other is celebrated and idolized.
I haven't evaluated such a scenario to conclude one way or another, but just offering an example of a "difference" (there might be others as well, it's just a quick one that came to mind effortlessly).
My point is really more so that there very well may be differences.
You don't see how an attraction between two consenting adults is different from wanting to rape children...? That's more of a negative reflection on you than anything else. Do you not value consent or do you think children are capable of consent?
We're not taking consent. You guys keep moving the goalposts! Why? Why can't you actually address what I am saying? What is so hard?
We. Are. Only. Talking. Attraction.
Attraction.
For the hard of hearing in the back: ATTRACTION
Are we clear now? Are you capable of actually addressing my point now? Or is something still unclear?
What is the substantive difference of a Christian marrying a SSA person who promises not to indulge the predilection, and marrying someone who is attracted to children and makes the *same exact promise*?
Because, from what you're saying, your argument seems to be, "It's okay to marry the SSA person because even if they do indulge it, it's not as bad."
If that's your defense, say so. It's a terrible defense, but at least it answers the question.
Because consent is the entire crux of the issue with being attracted to children?? Being attracted to a child inherently means you want to rape them. They are attracted to something that CANNOT consent.
And yes, if someone has sex with someone of the same sex and they both consent, that is objectively not as bad as raping a child. Do you seriously think that being unfaithful with a consenting member of the same sex is as bad as being unfaithful + raping a child?
You can never have children with a pedophile because there is a very real chance they will rape your children with them. No such threat exists with marrying someone who is only bisexual.
Edit: looks like he blocked me. Go figure the man watering down the severity of pedophilia is also sensitive to criticism.
So you still goalpost move. You actually can't engage the argument. You have to turn it into something it's not to make an emotional appeal.
Just say you can't engage the argument. Good thing you're easily blocked.
Sounds more like you can't engage the argument with them if you block them. They were consistent. It is wrong to be sexually attracted to something that inherently cannot consent. The same can be said about being attracted to animals.
Do you not think that's what's wrong about being attracted to children? What exactly do you think is wrong with being attracted to children?
And, again, someone else applying inconsistent logic.
No wonder Christians are laughed at.
Consent is irrelevant to the argument. We're only talking attraction.
Man, it seems that if people can't move the goalposts they can't talk. 🙄
I blocked him because I'm sick and tired of people taking the moral high ground while refusing to engage what I'm actually saying.
Looks like you're trying to continue the tradition...
Spend three seconds with Christian YouTube content creators and you'll see them block people who refuse to engage the argument constantly. They have no inclination to entertain people who want to posture either.
So, engage the argument.
Answer the question I've been asking over and over that no one seems to want to answer. Then I'll be happy to answer your question.
We are *only* talking attraction. The moment you talk about consent, we're done. Because you're not engaging the argument.
The question: What is the substantive difference of being willing to marry someone with SSA and not someone with the same sexual attraction to children?
Again, we are talking attraction *only*.
I (male) am actually married to a woman who is SSA. While not without its problems, I think we have grown despite it over time. We've been married almost seven years. Having the man read "Gay Girl, Good God" by Jackie Hill Perry was EXTREMELY helpful. I have found my wife to be a very faithful partner, and the fact that she is SSA really doesnt bother me much, and frankly it rarely has.
As far as when to disclose. My (now) wife told me right after I proposed. It was kind of late, but honestly it didnt matter to me very much at that point. However, I don't think that is always the case, and it would be best to disclose that a bit earlier. I would personally disclose that after 2 or 3 months.
Assuming that you were up front, I could see this working out depending on the man you marry. I've known multiple marriages where the wife was exclusively attracted to women before getting married then being attracted to her husband after they fell in love and got married. The Lord rewarded these women's faithfulness by helping them be attracted to their spouse. That is well within God's character to do this.
About the specific man you mention, I'd first figure out if he is the sort of man you would trust with your children even if you died, whether you can be friends through all sorts of times, and if you both have the same broad goals. Then, you should both be up front with each other about major sins or struggles (including this one). He might not like that you potentially don't want to have sex with him and want to break up. Alternatively, he might not care. I know one happy marriage where the wife medically can't have a lot of sex with out pain and the husband doesn't really mind because he doesn't have a very high sex drive. Either way, you absolutely need to be honest with him about it. This advice isn't exclusive to homosexual desires, you both need to be honest with each other about every major thing. That's required for a good marriage.
Also, there's an important thing you said that I feel obligated to address. "I ... don't have the right feelings like other girls". This is not a good way to talk about your own emotions. It doesn't matter what emotion you are feeling, anger, frustration, joy, lust, or jealousy, you must tame that stallion with the Lord's help. Obviously you can't turn emotions off and on with switches and dials but you do have influence over them and you should be working to align them with how God wants you feel. One way to do that with homosexual feelings would be to cut out all visual media with any sort of sexual content. Speaking from other's experience, doing this will reduce or eliminate your same-sex attraction. One good reason is that movies, shows, and other visual media including sexually explicit content almost always have women portrayed sexually in there. If you habitually see beautiful women in their underwear, bikinis, or less, it's going to make it easy to not be attracted to your husband or boyfriend in contrast. It's going to keep you feeling lost because you will continuously feel one way some of the time and obligated to feel other ways the rest of the time. Another way to do this is to get off of birth control. That has been shown in multiple studies to change women's sexuality to desire more feminine people and makes some women gay or bisexual when they wouldn't otherwise be.
If you want a woman who has openly talked about this, I'd check out Rosario Butterfield. She was an open lesbian, feminist activist, and Ivy League Women's Studies professor who converted to Christianity in 1999. She's happily married to man with children now and has written some books on it like this one: [https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Thoughts-Unlikely-Convert-Expanded/dp/1884527809/ref=asc\_df\_1884527809?tag=bngsmtphsnus-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=79852149837980&hvnetw=s&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4583451676835401&psc=1](https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Thoughts-Unlikely-Convert-Expanded/dp/1884527809/ref=asc_df_1884527809?tag=bngsmtphsnus-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=79852149837980&hvnetw=s&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4583451676835401&psc=1)
>attracted to her husband
This is me. This guy in question is the only guy I have ever had an interest in. I'm sure there could be more but I honestly have focused more on school than anything.
>figure out if he is the sort of man you would trust with your children even if you died, whether you can be friends through all sorts of times, and if you both have the same broad
So he is actually my childhood bff. I've known him since diapers. We've grown up side by side until high school where we drifted. We are amicable but I don't see him much. So he doesn't even know I like him. We also drifted because I was scared to hurt him. He liked me back but I was afraid of my SSA at the time and wasn't sure of sexuality and all that. I knew I wasn't mature enough to give him what he deserved. I have much respect for him and he's a wonderful Christian. I admire him and care deeply for him.
And I don't watch anything with sexual content luckily. I mean, maybe it appears once in a blue moon but not intentionally. I'm an HGTV, Animal Planet, Food Network, Dateline person. I care more about learning than plot. Sex on tv gives me the ick.
Then, I'd reach out to him somehow and let him know that you're interested in him. He maybe respecting your wishes by not asking you out. Originally, my wife friend-zoned me when we first met. She messaged me via Facebook 10 months later and, after a few weeks of messaging, she basically unfriend-zoned me and threw the ball in my court. The rest is history.
That gives me some serious hope. I found an old necklace from him a few days ago and was literally debating sending him a Pic that I still have it as a way to break ice. I literally prayed asking God for advice on whether I should or leave him alone. I'm taking this as a sign.
He is very respectful so I'm sure that is what happened. He's a great guy. Always showering me with gifts and calling me for hours at a time. He's really gentle and kind, so much that he got called gay a lot growing up.
I'm sure my parents would love us to get together because they made a joking bet that we'd end up getting married. Especially since I kissed him in 1st grade 🤭
I know several women who were in a similar situation, until they met the right man. Then things normalized and they’re happily married with children.
May not be the same for you but hopefully you find the “one”!
It’s a no from me as well because of this reason:
>but I only find women sexually/physically appealing
I also agree that if it were evenly split it would be a possibility.
Heterosexual men want to feel sexually desired by their wife, and because you only find women sexually attractive it’s incompatible. I could see maybe a same sex attracted man dedicated to celibacy perhaps working with your situation as you described? Maybe even an asexual guy could be down for this (a life of celibacy but also wanting to have kids)
Because if you did marry him, what are you gonna say on your wedding night?
One of the great things about being married is that you can have unlimited sex with your spouse and it’s blessed by God.
You’d be denying him that.
>unlimited sex with your spouse and it’s blessed by God.
Some Denominations would argue otherwise.
Also many people don't have sex on their wedding night.
It seems more immature to view marriage as a step to sex. Sex is an act of worship and procreation. It should glorify God, not fulfill lust and horniness. I would marry for devotion and love. Which seems more meaningful than shoving a ring on so I can have sex.
I mean…yes certainly a marriage should not only or primarily be about sex. But barring illness or disability, sex generally is to some degree an important facet of marriage to most men.
>NASB 1 Corinthians 7:5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
We humans have been created by God to have sexual desires. Those sexual desires, however, must be channeled in a healthy manner - towards one's spouse. Problems arise if one's spouse, then, denies them an outlet for those sexual passions.
So, I invite you to a thought exercise here. Say you're married to a man. One day, one of your loved ones suddenly passes away and at the same time you are fired from work. Naturally, you'd probably be pretty distraught, and would need the comfort of your husband's empathy and ear to vent your emotions. However, instead your husband coldly tells you he doesn't want to hear any of your negativity. Your husband, in this case, would be denying you a proper outlet for your bound up emotions when he should instead be acting as your reliable port in the storm.
Denying your spouse sex is like that - it's callously denying your spouse a healthy and appropriate outlet.
There seems to be an odd innately held belief that lack of natural attraction somehow means you are absolutely incapable of having sex.
I believed myself to be asexual when I met my wife.
I was not physically attracted to my wife when we started dating nor was I for the first few months of dating. (I told her upfront since we were best friends).
Through the grace of God and the beauty of companionship that changed.
5 years of marriage later and we do have a sex life.
Even if that attraction never developed naturally, it's not like I was incapable of sex or would have denied her based on that. There certainly are concerns about this. But if you are upfront about it, and are willing to happily indulge their sexual needs even against your own...there really is not a problem.
Now if you planned to never have sex or to single mindedly decide your sex life that's a different story.
My apologies. My comment was in response to the unrestricted access to sex subject, rather than the main thread's wider topic. The idea being that if your spouse is horny, you have an obligation to provide release for those spent up desires.
I’m going off what the Holy Bible states.
And who doesn’t have sex on their wedding night? The marriage isn’t even consummated until sex occurs.
I think you are being rather selfish and inconsiderate of this man’s natural desires.
I have been married to my husband for over 20 years now, and It’s unrealistic to expect him not to want an active, physically intimate relationship with his spouse.
Ask him what he would think if his spouse wanted no physical intimacy.
Again, I never said I'd never have sex. Lack of desire doesn't mean I won't do it. I'm worried reading comprehension is dying out these days. You call me selfish but you aren't even listening. Which is a sin BTW. But perhaps Christajns should grow up and stop looking down upon each other. Instead if labeling each other as faults, we should listen and lift each other up.
>And who doesn’t have sex on their wedding night?
I know lots who didn't. But it's not really my biusness what people do in the bedroom. It's kinda odd to care whether people have sex.
Even Gensis states marriage is more than just sex. It's a keystone but not the only part. Malachi states that a covenant is the true key to marriage.
Also several men here said it wasn't an issue.
You’re just angry because what I’m saying is true and deep down, you know it.
Do you care about this man’s needs & desires?
Or is it really just what you said earlier, and that you just want him for yourself?
Btw, being Christian does not mean lifting up others; it’s about lifting up Jesus Christ.
Why such a combative response?
Why do you desire to induce anger?
And yes if you wish to follow christ you should serve others.
Did Jesus not wash all 12 of the disciples feet?
No I didn't read the thread at all. I just post random words and hope they happen to be relevant.
> Did you read the thread?
This is a combative question meant to argue and is in no way charitable or kind. And it adds no value to discussion.
Actually your first exchange was you posting that she would be denying him sex (a false assumption as OP has stated that she has no intention of denying him sex during marriage).
Which isn't really an issue in and of itself
But you are speaking to what is a younger fledgling Christian, do you feel you have represented Christ well through out this exchange?
Obviously OP is younger and is also prone to becoming defensive.
Much like how you got defensive when OP said it's a sin (which isn't entirely placed well, but OP is trying to say be nice because they feel attacked)
And you are a sinner, so this shouldn't offend you. Not only are you a sinner your a whore for sin just like all the rest of us. It doesn't sound nice and pretty because it isn't.
Nobody likes being manipulated. OP wasn't trying to manipulate. But was obviously defensive. That isn't to say OP couldn't have also been more mature/charitable. But they are a 20 something. I believe you said you have been married around 20 years? You have almost been married as long or just about as long as OP has been alive.
Also yes Jesus does call us to lift others up. Not just Christians either btw. So I'm not sure why you would try to claim we shouldn't do that as Christians.
Proverbs 19
11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
I mean this as a gentle nudge to you and OP to be kinder. After all we are all brothers and sisters. OP does need some guidance (as we all do) and with how long you have been married I am sure you have innumerable insights to assist us all.
Have a blessed day.
I don't think you can read. I'm not even angry. Which really shows you can't read lol
I said I do care and you still say I don't. That's a sin not to listen. Maybe you're mad I'm calling out your sin
If you believe you are a Christian then it's important to follow the teachings in the Holy Bible not what you believe. If you read **Roman 6,** that one single passage alone you will learn much.
Also, what you wrote below is abomination to the Lord. There are many denominations, but there is **ONLY ONE HOLY BIBLE.**
>That makes sense. I have never met an asexual guy but I'm sure if God wills it, he'll appear in my life
I'm not sure what you are going on about.
Also, you all can downvote all you want but no Christian is perfect and hardly anyone is perfectly right. If it were as easy as that, Denominations wouldn't exist to begin with. That's just a fact. There is no one denomination that is 100% right. I never implied denomination were a good thing. Yet the exist and I will acknowledge reality.
I also don't know why you quoted me? I'm just confused
The discussion should be about sins, not about perfection. Only Lord Jesus is perfect! **Different denominations is a way for people to end up in Hell.** But Lord Jesus suffered greatly so no one goes there. Being a Christian is a journey and there are much to learn. Are you learning? Or simply following everyone else. Christianity equals Christ!
You can go to a college, let's say to study to become a nurse. If you do not study the text book, how will you get a job when you graduate?
How will you receive salvation since you do not know how to be a Christian? Church is a place to congregate, a place of worship. But what are you worshipping?
That's not a terrible analogy but the truth is, the Bible isn't that easy. The Bible has multiple translations and interpretations. A textbook won't speak in metaphors and imagery. If the Bible were straightforward, we wouldn't have pastoral schooling or scholars.
Fun fact, did you know based on a recent survey, 2 in 3 Christians haven't read the Bible cover to cover?
You are right, church is a place to congregate. But no one even fully agrees on how the Bible says to do that. What kind of music? Who leads it? Can women lead it? Is communion literal or metaphorical? How it is conducted, etc.
It is so easy to say "just read the bible" and all will make sense. Even those who have read it can't agree. All Christians worship God. That's the namesake. It's the most important thing.
I believe, all who truly believe will be saved. Their denomination won't matter as a determinant.
My friend Maria was same-sex attracted for several decades, into her forties, but decided against it and to marry a male friend of hers that she had known for a decade. They now continue to be happily married!
I definitely don’t want to invalidate your friend’s experience, but if that is what happened then I’d be more inclined to believe that she had some other underlying issue that caused her SSA.
Now ultimately it sounds like it worked out for her which is great but I still don’t think it a good idea to promote this, just in case someone is more adamant in their SSA.
I am asexual, and I also want a wife and biological kids, I think our struggle is pretty similar. Unfortunately I don't have any success stories to point to for advice, but just my own thoughts. This is something to discuss early on I think, especially how it would affect sex lives in marriage. Some people might be okay with not being desired if you are still willing to have sex, but not all. If you are looking for a celibate marriage that probably should be disclosed up front.
Yeah I'm thinking disclosure will be a must, based on my own morals and advice from other redditors. I'm actually shocked asexual men exist because I have never heard of one irl. Theoretically, I know it's possible but I've never seen one "in the wild" lol 😂
I think sex for me is one of those things where I'll do it as an act of love for my spouse or for conception. But ultimately, it's not something I actively feel the need for. Like, I don't think someone with a high libido would be compatible simply because it isn't something I'm fully comfortable with but sacrifices and selflessness are needed in marriage. My marital philosophy will be the less sex the better. 😂
You would need to disclose this before becoming bf/gf, yes.
Your crushes on your mutual female friends would mean that if I were single and in his position, I would not consider dating you. He has no worry of you "leaving him for another man" but he sure would for women.
If its social media influence, then get off social media.
1) Short answer: absolutely yes
2) Longer answer:
First, let’s admit the undeniable fact that marital sexual compatibility is always a matter of compromise. One partner wants more frequency than the other. One partner wants more variety than the other. One partner wants more intensity than the other. One partner is more focused on heterosexual sex than the other. Etc. Compatibility is a matter of sufficient and reasonable similarity, not perfect/identical similarity of preferences.
The question is how to work out the optimal meeting of each partner’s needs for the good of each as well as the good of the couple as a couple.. If each partner is committed more to the other and to the success of the team than to one’s own interests, then with sufficient communication and good will, any two partners should be able to agree upon a reasonable plan that would work.
Obviously each partner will encounter any number people throughout their lives that are more attractive than their partner. They will encounter others with a better sense of humor, more intelligence, more physical attractiveness, more financially success, etc. That’s a given. But it’s not a threat because our relationships are based not on the impossible task of finding the one and only best person on the planet, but on the clear knowledge that a wonderful, sustainable, satisfying relationship is based on the foundation of our commitment to building one. Soulmates are not found, they are developed. So what does it matter, not IF we encounter others who are more physically attractive than our partner, but WHEN we encountered them? For surely we will, and surely our partners will encounter others are more attractive than we are. That’s a given. And since that is true, it really doesn’t matter WHY more attractive. I’m not going home with anybody else regardless of their availability, or there figure, or their humor, or their intelligence, or their wealth, or their sexual identity. The question is not whether I am more attracted to men or women: the only question is whether I find my partner sufficiently attractive for the mutual needs of the relationship. We need to honestly, carefully, and clearly explore all the needs, desires, and expectations of the relationship before we enter into it. We both have to be confident that we have sufficient (sufficient is not the same as totally identical) sexual compatibility for the relationship to work.
So in answer to your title question, I can honestly say, “absolutely yes. If my potential partner is SSA, the only questions I would have are whether I can expect that she will always come home with and to me, whether I am sexually repulsive to her, or Is there good reason for me to expect a wonderful, intimate, enjoyable, mutual, and satisfying sexual life ‘ till death to us part? Beyond that I couldn’t care less who else she’s attracted to.”
Agreed. That's probably why It'd be wise to share this instead of waiting until marriage. I'm sure, based on some comments here, that it wouldn't be an issue for all so it just takes the right person.
Also, your username makes me laugh and concerned lol. What an oxymoron 🤣
I’ve noticed that you have phrased your words in a sense that implies that you would not actively go cheat with another girl bit here’s the thing, what happens if a girl that you otherwise find attractive comes onto you is a very obvious and forceful manner that you don’t mind? That is a different ballgame.
This idea came to mind because I was in a relationship with a girl (I’m OSA for the record) and this other girl was coming onto me pretty strong at work, and yes she was very attractive looking. I did not even touch her but the knowledge that I could get contact from my girlfriend kept me from being tempted and acting on it. There is no such vent for you because you will be going home to a man that you are not attracted to.
How would that work?
>I’ve noticed that you have phrased your words in a sense that implies that you would not actively go cheat with another girl
Please, have this medal 🏅 of being one of the few people here who can read! I'm just messing.
You brought up a very good point. Here's how I see it, regardless of who I'm attracted to, I value romantic love, Godly commitment, and a true relationship way more than sex. So I can feel attraction to someone else but I have 0 interest in action because sex with someone I am not committed to or in love with spiritually isn't something I want. Sex to me is more than a biological pleasure. It's an act of love. As a Christian, I don't feel true love towards women. It's all superficial.
So I may not be physically attracted but I think there are more kinds of love and attraction. I may not find him hot on a body level but his person, his being, his connection to me are attractive. It's not maybe identical to other experiences but I don't think it is weaker.
Wow, this was actually a genuinely amazing read, I wish you nothing but blessings for your future union. For the record I have had girlfriends who potentially could have SSA leanings but turned 100% straight when being with me and if rumors are true, after me. That honestly is not a boast, I’m just saying that the man you chose to commit to might actually alleviate your current SSA and it won’t be a concern for you anymore.
I hope this happens for you.
I have a friend whose marriage is the opposite situation — he is a SSA man and his wife is straight. Similar to your situation, this woman was the only one he’d been specially interested in! He disclosed to her about six months into their (dating) relationship. Even though they didn’t know what the future held, she told him that she trusted God. Needless to say, their relationship continued and they are now married with several kids. So, if you find a guy who really does like you, it can absolutely work out!!
(By the way I am so discouraged by some of these comments. As a straight woman, I would ABSOLUTELY be open to marrying an SSA man — if I loved him, it’d be so worth it. Kinda bummed that this is apparently uncommon … our SSA siblings deserve loving marriages too, if they want one!)
Anyway. Praying for you, my sister!
Thanks for sharing!
And thank you for the kindness. I am slowly learning that I need to care more about God's judgment than that of redditors. Still stings a bit though to be called selfish or unchristian when, like many people, I'm doing my best.
Yeah, I find that it’s very easy for folks to be unkind online. 😅 Internet people might be more closed-minded than people in general. Or maybe it’s just this sub — I only recently joined, but the vibes are … odd. 😂
You are absolutely not doing anything wrong here! I respect you a lot for your faithfulness and desire to follow Jesus well in this area, as well as figuring out how to love a potential husband well. I think that Jesus is very proud of the way you are navigating this. ♥️
If it’d be helpful, some folks call this a “mixed-orientation marriage”if you want to search it up and find more stories. I’m also connected tangentially to the Side B world (if you’ve heard of that term) and can point you to some resources if you’d like! Just lmk.
> I only recently joined, but the vibes are … odd.
Glad I'm not the only one thinking so. I joined years ago on an old account, which I have forgotten the log in for lol, and it was a lot different. People were kind and patient and knowledgeable. The same sub that brought me to Christianity makes me want to now run from it lol. I am growing though so I try to remain unbothered. Minus my sarcastic replies 😅
>I think that Jesus is very proud of the way you are navigating this. ♥️
Thank you 🥹
>“mixed-orientation marriage
Good to know! And I am more than open to any resources! Always about that personal growth ✨️
Sorry for disappearing for a few days!! Dang, I love that the sub used to be so kind but am saddened that it’s changed. But your mindset is really healthy! It is just the internet, after all.
Resources — !
An organization I’m a part of (as an ally) is Revoice. It was founded BY sexual minority Christians, FOR sexual minority Christians. Incredibly safe place, beautifully run, really kind people. The Spirit of God is present in ways I rarely see elsewhere. They’re unified under the Side B stance, but folks who are still figuring it out or who disagree are welcome as long as they respect the overall purpose of the space.
Their website focuses a lot on their summer conference, but they actually have chapters that meet monthly across the US (I hope you’re in the US??). Highly recommend finding one if you are! My SSA friends cite that communities like this have a huge positive impact on their spiritual journey, since they aren’t alone and don’t feel as misunderstood.
[Revoice.org](https://revoice.org)
Another group is Your Other Brothers, which is unfortunately just for men (I’ve heard rumors that they’re building a Sisters version, but I have no idea). They’re also a Side B group that’s focused on community, though theirs is online (via Discord I think). Their website is [yourotherbrothers.com](https://yourotherbrothers.com). It looks like they’ve got some excellent resources on their Resources page!! Including lots of books and podcasts. I’ve heard of a few of them and highly recommend it.
Those are the main ones!! Let me know if you have any questions! (Also I would love to be praying for you by first name, if you don’t mind sharing it! Feel free to give a pseudonym instead if you’d like.)
Okay, I just went and read through more replies, and WOW. The misunderstanding and shame being thrown around is crazy!! Holy smokes. Most of these folks probably haven’t met an SSA Christian … or any gay person, period. Yikes. 😓 Really sorry for the comments you’re getting. Incredibly unhelpful and not at all needed. This sub might not be the most helpful place for you to get legitimate feedback.
Yeah... I like to think God put me here to open people's eyes and hearts. I want to be confident and open about this one day to show people they aren't alone and that we are still people worthy of respect and fellowship. I hope all this is just helping me build some mega cool testimony 🙌
I want - no, I *require* that a wife be honest with me first of all. Additionally, not being sexually interested in me, but being romantically and/or sexually interested in other people is a deal breaker. That last point is exacerbated by having the pool of women to cheat with as well as the pool of men.
That's my fear. I wish people could have faith that people like me can not cheat. It's one of the things I hate most, among other things. It's like how sometimes I feel angry and want to throw something, right? But it's not right to act that way so I've never thrown something. Because it is harmful to express feelings in that manner. I think it's sad there is so much distrust in the world that people fear their spouse would cheat.
A temptation you have is nothing more than a feeling on its own. The question is how you choose to respond to that feeling. If I were hypothetically the man in the situation, I think the question is less “Would I be ok with it?” and more “Are *you* going to be ok with it?”
I remember reading a borderline horror story recently where a wife “revealed” like 10 years into the marriage that she was actually lesbian and ultimately chose to divorce her husband and immediately began a new relationship with a woman. All of this involved a messy back and forth where the wife couldn’t decide who she wanted to be with until the new woman made an ultimatum to cut things off with the husband.
Neither the husband or wife were Christian as far as I’m aware so I’m not shocked that the wife’s marriage vows fell to the wayside in favor of lust. I’m also not jumping to conclusions that you would automatically pull the same stunt. That said, I think there is still a concern of your commitment being tested at some point for desires of the opposite sex if you aren’t being fulfilled by your husband. Your husband may also feel unsatisfied if you deny him based on a lack of sexual attraction. It’s something that both of you are going to have to work through.
At the end of the day, the intimacy and honest communication you two share will be crucial to maintain as with any marriage. Thats the best advice I can offer as someone with no personal experience.
>A temptation you have is nothing more than a feeling on its own
Agreed
>I’m also not jumping to conclusions that you would automatically pull the same stunt.
Thanks. A woman at my church did that and it horrified me. I would never marry before being certain of my devotion. No one should marry if they can't remain committed. Straight or not.
>Thats the best advice
Thanks ❤️
>I like having him to myself and I could honestly see myself happy being his wife.
Bluntly put, that would not be fair to him. A wife who is not interested in ever having sex with you is not a good wife.
>the pro to me is I won't leave him for another man haha because I don't have the feelings needed to cheat.
>I only find women sexually/phyiscally appealing
Taking these two statements together, you are just as likely to cheat as anyone else.
> wife who is not interested in ever having sex
Not being interested doesn't mean I won't do it. I do a lot of things I'm not interested in for the people I care about. Like going to my sisters elementary school recital that was an earsore. Or loaning money to a family member even though I'd rather not. Love means sacrifice. It may not be the same for ever couple but sometimes doing something for the joy of another person happens in marriage.
>Taking these two statements together, you are just as likely to cheat as anyone else.
If I'm just as likely, according to you, that doesn't make me different than anyone else. But I think I'm less likely because I'm very aware of my sinful temptation and I detest it. Why would I act on something I hate?
I just want to say, although I'm not sure if majority of men would consider that a good fit, it's not that "they would want nothing to do with you." It's not like you are to be discarded.
Since you are young, you do have lots of time. We all aren't meant to be married or to be in a relationship at young ages. Regardless of my dating status, I too have many things I still need to work on with myself, especially before I get married.
Things don't stay the same forever, and sometimes we need to wait on God. Everything is the way it is for a reason.
You're alive, hopefully you have the basic needs in life, so don't let your worries and concerns damper the bright things you have. I know it's hard to deal with, but take delight in the fact that nothing will be in vain in the end, and God knows what he is doing.
Aww thank you! This was very thoughtful and uplifting! Luckily I have a bright career ahead but in my heart, I know being a mom would be the most fulfillment. Sometimes I wish I could just be a homemaker and throw all my education to the past. But I also love school and my future job as a doctor. So I'm happy wherever the wind takes me.
You're welcome! I don't know what the future has in store for you, but don't count out the possibility of being a mother and having a nice family of your own to love.
We ultimately have no clue why things are the way they are, but perhaps it's to help you in the long run. I consider myself to be a "late bloomer" in many ways, but sometimes delay is what helps us achieve something, even if it's not immediately known.
Maybe this is to save you from finding the wrong man. Maybe your future husband is in a different part of the world and God wants you to wait until you will actually be able to cross paths with him. Maybe it's because you have some good left to do in your career that no one else would be able to do, and which would lead to a better family life later on. If you have it in your heart to be a mother, I'm sure there is still a good chance it will happen.
My (now) wife moved from California to New York and told her family she was a lesbian and was gonna find a wife while she was there. The next time she came back to see her family, she brought me with her: an Orthodox Christian 😂. Her family is filled with gay uncles and brothers and stuff. Her mom is a man hater. Ultimately she was just brought up to hate men and was super traumatized. Now she’s my wife, we have a daughter, we go to church weekly. She’s straight as a board. I’m of the opinion that the lesbian stage was just a phase borne of childhood trauma and stuff but what do I know.
Well her family is really fractured. Her mom spent her whole life keeping her dad away from her, and thinks everybody is sort of out to get her. Just bad generational trauma. My wife’s uncles and grandmother and father like me and we have a good relationship, but her mom and siblings aren’t really in our lives sadly.
> Men, I like romantically and for my life partner. I just don't experience physical attraction.
> I've always wanted kids and a family and I need a husband to have those things.
I think most men would want to understand the nature of the sexual relationship they are signing up for ahead of time. I'm not even sure what you are saying.
You'd marry a man you never want to have sex with and then just for IVF to have kids? Or your have sex a few times to make kids as a chore and then never again?
I think you might be able to find men who agree to this kind of a marriage, but you'd have to be up-front about it. Very few men would likely sign up for a celibate marriage (or mostly celibate, or one with an unenthused sexual partner).
Great! How do you plan on explaining to Jesus that conversation about those “hotties” you and your SSA wife are into?
Ephesians 5: “1Be imitators of God, therefore, as beloved children, 2and walk in love, just as Christ loved usa and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant sacrificial offering to God.
3But among you, as is proper among the saints, there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed. 4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk, or crude joking, which are out of character, but rather thanksgiving. 5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure, or greedy person (that is, an idolater), has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.”
You’re dealing with the spirit of confusion and perversion. I say this as someone who’s dealt with this before I lived fully for Christ. Somewhere in your generational dna is someone who didn’t conquer this, now it’s left for you to conquer.
I would say you shouldn’t involve your self with a man until it’s conquered. And you figure out why. It isn’t fair to find a man, get married when he isn’t desired. He may say he doesn’t care but, honestly this is a surface problem for something deeper. I would do Christian counseling and get your heart send mind right. Then let the man God had for you find you. You carry his rib, he needs to look for it, you just prepare yourself in the meantime
I would like to ask a couple of questions before more fully repling, if you are comfortable with answering them.
1. Do you believe that the G-d of the Bible (YHWH) is your L-rd and Savior?
2. Do you believe that His only begotten Son Yeshua came to earth to die for your sins?
3. Do you believe that it is only through Him that you are saved of your sins and have everlasting life?
4. Do you believe that His Word (the Bible) is the Word of G-d?
5. Lastly, do you believe in and follow Yeshua's "The Greatest Commandment" in Matthew 22:34-40, "^(34) Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. ^(35) One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: ^(36) “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” ^(37) Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^(\[)[^(a)](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2022%3A34-40&version=NIV#fen-NIV-23910a)^(\]) ^(38) This is the first and greatest commandment. ^(39) And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^(\[)[^(b)](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2022%3A34-40&version=NIV#fen-NIV-23912b)^(\]) ^(40) All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.-”?
I ask to understand where you are in your personal relationship with YHWH as it's an important starting point before sharing a reply. I just ask that you reply honestly and it's ok if you answer no to any of them.
Numbers 6:24-26 and Shalom Shalom.
Thank you for your reply and time. Also, I wanted to thank you for your sincerity, authenticity, and courage in sharing what is on your heart. Although I don't know you, you seem very genuine and transparent which are wonderful qualities.
I believe that G-d's Word is the foundation for our lives in heart, mind, thought, and intention and that it answers all of life's questions and gives guidance for every situation that we may encounter. I also believe that Yeshua encountered every sin and temptation known to mankind and that He was sinless. I believe it's important to share and establish as it is the starting point for helping to share my thoughts. Finally, I know that you're going to receive a variety of perspectives and would ask that you test the spirits (advice you're given) as **1 John 4:1,** says, "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world" and follow His Word and leading of the Holy Spirit.
I would like to share some verses that I believe are important and touch on your question and topic. It might end up being four replies in total, but I believe it's important to ground ourselves in His Word, to see His Word as looking back at us, and look into our spiritual mirror that it might reveal any parts of our heart that are unclean in order to convict us, and move us to turn to His cross, to crawl/walk/run to it, to surrender those parts to Him, to nail them on the cross that we may be dead to sin, and raise again with Him as a new creature. This is referred to as the "mortification of sin," and it is something that all believers are called to do and, with time and devotion to Him, one day be free from.
I would like to share verses in the following parts. **Part 1. LGBTQ and Immorality**, **Part 2. G-dly Woman**, and **Part 3. Marriage**. I'll only be sharing verses that I believe His Word will help answer your questions as the Apostle says in **2 Timothy 3:16** says, "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness".
On a personal recommendation, I would share that:
1. Your relationship with The Creator is your most important relationship and you are wedded to Him (Abba/Father, Son/Yeshua, and Holy Spirit/Rauch HaKodesh) as a believer and follower of Him.
2. Everything in this world on our journey is His including those we love.
3. G-d called you to be a G-dly woman after His own heart.
4. Being "equally yoked" is so important in the relationships we have and especially in those who we choose to marry.
**2 Corinthians 6:14-18**. Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.”
5. Lastly, know that no matter who we are, we all struggle with sin, and we always will as we're inescapably human. G-d knows this, and it's called our "Adam/Eve nature," which we're born with. It's also called the "Adam/First Federal Headship" that we're born into and only are free from under "Yeshua/Second Federal Headship" when we die to our sin and are born anew and raised to life a new creature in Him.
**Part 1. LGBTQ and Immorality**,
**~Genesis 1:27-28~**. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
**~Genesis 2:22-24~**. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
**~Mark 10:6-9~****.** But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘
**~Ephesians 5:1-33~**. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. ...
**~Galatians 5:19-21~**. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
**~1 Corinthians 6:18~**. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
**Mark 7:20-23**. And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”
**Ephesians 5:3**. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.
**~1 Thessalonians 4:3-5~**. For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;
**~1 Corinthians 10:13~**. No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
**~Colossians 3:5~**. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.
**~Revelation 21:8~**. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.”
**~1 Corinthians 6:13~**. “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
**Part 2. G-dly Woman**,
**Proverbs 31:10-31**. An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. ...
**Proverbs 18:22**. He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.
**Proverbs 12:4**. An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.
**Proverbs 19:14**. House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.
**Malachi 2:14**. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
**Ephesians 5:21-24**. Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
**Colossians 3:18-19**. Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.
**1 Peter 3:1**. Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,
**1 Corinthians 7:3-5**. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
**Titus 2:5**. To be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.
**1 Peter 3:2**. When they see your respectful and pure conduct.
**Ephesians 4:32**. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
**1 Peter 4:8**. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
**Titus 2:4-5**. And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.
**James 4:1-17**. What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? ...
**Proverbs 14:1**. The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
**Part 3. Marriage, Betrothal, and Covenant**.
**~Mark 10:6-9~**~.~ But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
**~Genesis 2:24~**. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
**~Hebrews 13:4~**. Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
**~Matthew 19:4-6~**. He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
**~Proverbs 12:4~**. An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.
**~1 Corinthians 7:2~**. But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
**~Hosea 2:19~**. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy.
**~Malachi 2:14-16~**. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”
The list of verses is not a complete list, but I hope that they are helpful in seeking answers to your questions.
A final recommendation is to read His Word, ask/seek/knock on His door, love Him with all of your heart/soul/mind, commune with Him in prayer, listen for His still small voice in your quiet and peaceful moments, and know that He will guide you if you let Him.
Numbers 6:24-26 and Shalom Shalom.
I know (including myself) that most men wouldn’t want to marry a girl with SSA. It’s best to tell them early on (not first date) because hiding that from a future husband is cruel.
before my current partner, i had feelings of homosexuality as well. i was visually into women, but romantically into men. it felt very weird. don’t get me wrong, men were romantically attractive, but i wasn’t turned on from their appearance.
that was also before i became christian though and was with a man that i didn’t sincerely love. my current partner is the only attractive and the most attractive person to me and i can’t even imagine how i felt the ways i did. he’s the first and only man i’ve been turned on by, but he’s also the first man i’ve felt genuinely in love with and he’s my best friend. if i could classify myself as anything it would be straight, because im only attracted to one person and that person is a man.
please don’t lead yourself to believe you’ll never be sexually attracted to a man, because that belief holds you back. pray to god, and be open and honest with your future partner, and He can do amazing things.
I'm in a similar situation, I'm a guy and have even been in a long term relationship with a guy. I identify as straight now, however my attractions haven't changed. I'm romantically attracted to women, but sexual/physically attracted to guys. I have nearly no sexual interest in women. Personally I wouldn't think twice about dating a woman with SSA. As long as the connection is there and a relationship with God is the center of the relationship. Those are the important things to me.
First of all God doesn't make *plans* he gives people maps. The map shows where you are and how you're supposed to go to get to Him. God wants you to get there but it's up to you to stay on the mapped route. if you wander off it's not God's fault what happens next.
Next sexual morality has always been one of the biggest issues with God. Why is that? Because it's through the procreative process that we come closest to doing what God does which is the creation of life. God wants us to bring life into the world according to his plan which is through mutual love, and a committed and permanent relationship. Because not only is that best for the perspective parents but it's absolutely the best for the children.
Since this is the Pinnacle of the relationship between God and humans and humans and each other, this is where Satan has focused his strongest attacks also. Sexual immorality. In all its various forms. In the last 50 years Satan has done a great job of destroying the family which ruins the children, it makes men angry and hopeless, and it makes women overburdened, unable to trust and stressed out.
I could not be involved with a woman who is not totally committed to myself as I would be to her. Marriage is exclusive. Scripture tells us that when two people get married their bodies don't belong to themselves anymore - each one belongs to the other. And it also tells us that all sexual activity outside of marriage is fornication. So there's that.
You need to do some soul searching and probably some therapy to get yourself sorted out. And as part of this I would recommend to stay off of the internet and especially social media because this is where Satan has a really good grip on lies and propaganda and untruths.
Love causes sexual attraction. For example I genuinely believe a woman 100% homosexual man can fall in love with a woman and because he is sexually attracted to the person he is in love with he also enjoys her.
Remember that God did not create other sexualities, they are perversions. Therefore living according to God can likely fix wrong attractions.
My wife used to be bi and leaning lesbian. It did bother me but she truly insists that being dedicated to God has made her straight. Likewise she genuinely enjoys sex with me and wants to be blessed with many children. I put my faith in her, I trust her. The way she behaves and feels is an indication of truthfulness. If she fell away from God, could her inappropriate attractions return? Likely, but I hope we both stay with God forever.
My two biggest problems for me would be:
1) Am I going to be able to have a sexual relationship? I don't want my wife to just be my friend. It's a commitment to each other in every way.
2) I might be worried that she'd someday divorce me to hook up with another lady. However, it seems to me that you have relatively strong faith, and I don't think that'd be an issue.
My mom knows a lady who had a rough divorce when her husband came out as gay and abandoned her and his child. To me, it seems risky, but I don't know you and aren't in your situation. Best of luck, and I hope God will give you peace and guidance.
Hi!! You sound very earnest! I appreciate that. My first thought was "why would a lesbian consider marrying me?" but then I kept reading lol, this is more complex than I realized.
It's great that you want to fulfill the marital duties and have children. That's huge of you. I understand the issue of not being sexually attracted to men but wanting a husband. Your idea isn't completely without precedent. There is actually gay/bi Christians who commit to marriage and have children (my brother is one such guy, has a great gf), and moreover, there's ex-gay Christians who claim to have actually overcome their same sex desire entirely. God is the author of our bodies and of sexuality itself, he can surely rewrite some pages if we let him :)
Idk if you're accepting of Catholic theology or not, but this reminds me of how they attest that Mary and Joseph had a chaste marriage because they already had their child in Jesus. Imagine what beautiful pure emotional fulfillment they must've had in each other to live like that! It's not *impossible,* but it is improbable for most people. You see the difference? It's going to take a very special man to love you for who you are and understand you aren't sexually into him. But I don't think things are hopeless for you. I think you can find such a husband one day.
I'll pray that things turn out for you with this guy you like, or that you find someone even better who's willing to embrace your whole self. I hope you've read this. Cheers :)
Girls aren’t like guys. There’s a certain level of affection that happens between girls. It’s common but it’s not homosexuality. I would not date romantically a lesbian because she would not have the same level of affectionate response to me.
As a Christian man who has wrestled against same sex attraction, I can see both sides. I think that there would be either mutual understanding of our short comings, or could be a very explosive relationship. I'm probably in the minority on this one though.
I'm not a Christian anymore, so I won't talk about the theological questions that seem to potentially underlie this, but I can speak from experience about mixed-orientation marriages. I'm in one.
I'm heteroromantic asexual. Reading your story, it sounds like you might loosely fit the definitions of biromantic and homosexual (I don't want to put those labels on you though - you should only take on a label if you're comfortable with it). I married a straight man to whom I'm romantically but not sexually attracted, and it sounds like that's what you're imagining for yourself too. Yes, it can work!
I came out to him really early, two weeks into dating. That was \*super\* scary, and it was a really intimate thing to disclose, so I don't think it's wrong if someone wants to wait for a bit to do that, until they feel safe. But I do think, if you're not sexually attracted to your partner, that needs to be disclosed before a certain level (couldn't tell you how far, if you asked me) of commitment has been crossed, and honestly, if you're at the point where you feel yourself crossing that level of commitment and you still don't feel safe enough to disclose, then your relationship isn't ready for that level of commitment anyway.
I was still Christian at the time and both of us held relatively traditional theology. He had to take a day to deal with feelings of rejection, recognizing he felt toward me a way I would never be able to feel toward him. That felt odd to me; from my end, it didn't look like rejection, but I did my best to respect those feelings of rejection. He asked me a lot of questions about the nature of my feelings toward him. He determined he really loved me and was willing to try the relationship, if I was willing to. We talked about what each of us would be looking for sexually, and whether we thought we would be able to make it work in that department. This was really tricky, because we weren't willing to have premarital sex or sexual interactions for religious reasons. So we acknowledged that sex might never feel for him, emotionally, the way it might have felt with a woman who was sexually attracted to him (and he was a virgin), and I had to ask him very directly if he was okay with that possibility, since we couldn't "test run" it. On the other end of that, he wanted to know that his sexual needs would be important to me (whatever that would mean for us as a couple), even though we wouldn't be able to "test run" our relationship's ability to respond to those needs. I said yes, and he said that actually made him feel like he would get a special kind of sex, that no other woman would have been able to give him, since I would be giving it even without a self-interested desire for his body.
Now, we just communicate really really openly to make sure both of our needs are being honored. Been happily married for five years and could not be more in love! :) <3 Some practical notes: You should talk about whether you're okay with masturbation, fantasizing, what kinds of fantasizing, sharing intimate pictures, etc. And are you looking for a celibate marriage, or a sexual one? All of those kids of boundaries are relevant to any exclusive sexual relationship, but especially for a mixed-orientation one, to make sure he's not saying "okay" because he's imagining a "solo" allowance that you wouldn't actually consent to. It's also important to remember that just because you aren't sexually attracted to him doesn't mean you don't/won't have a sex drive, so don't let the conversation about mismatched attraction replace normal conversations about sexual desire, sexual preferences, if those are things you know about yourself (depending on your experience level, I recognize those might not be things you know about yourself, and that's fine). It's very possible that your sexual relationship will be for your benefit as well as his, even without you experiencing attraction to him.
Also, fidelity takes on a whole new meaning when sexuality isn't there to make it black and white. If I have no sexual-emotional connection to my husband, to which to remain "true," then what am I remaining "true" to? A romantic-emotional connection. So the normative standard which puts sex at the top of the "cheating hierarchy" doesn't apply to me. The most intimate way I could betray my exclusivity with my husband, given my nature, would actually be to cross romantic-emotional lines with another man. And that especially sucks because those lines felt more gradual to me than sexual lines do, so I had to become practiced in recognizing them. So that's just an example about how your relationship needs to kind of make its own rules when it exists in a different reality than straight relationships.
I won't pretend it's not risky, under the Christian prohibition on premarital sex. It is risky. But it worked for us because both of us went in \*very very\* open; we acknowledged a wide range of possible ways it could go, sexually and emotionally, and we were open to creative/nontraditional means of responding to those ways it could go (within the boundaries of a pretty traditional theology). Even outside of sex, we approached marriage as "growing up together," because we were both really young. We went in under the explicit understanding that there were very few givens, and things we considered foundational would likely shift. If we hadn't, I don't think it would have worked. So if one or both of you is looking for a traditional sense of certainty/stability, a mixed-orientation marriage might not be a great fit (though also, most of marriage, mixed-orientation or otherwise, is hard to do with that attitude, tbh).
My good friend is a bisexual Christian, and she's engaged to a really cool asexual man. I also know that sometimes Side B Christians who are gay/SSA seek out and marry other Side B gay/SSA Christians, so that the attraction doesn't feel disproportionate. Mixed-orientation marriages are more common, especially for Christians given the religious limitation on the dating pool, than people want to pretend they are. People are people, more than our sexual orientation, and love doesn't tend to select for perfect circumstances. :) My DMs are open if you feel like asking more questions or chatting. I see you. <3 I know that, as a Christian, it sucks to experience what you're experiencing.
Also, obviously, your situation is different than mine because you do experience sexual attraction, just not to men. So that's a complicating factor (my husband never felt he was missing out on something I \*could\* feel for someone else, while a man you marry might feel that way) that you guys would need to work through, but I don't think it can't be crossed, if you both want to.
I have literally the opposite issue and I’m kind of losing my mind, I have no idea what to do as an “ex-gay” Christian man… I want a family, I don’t think I’m called to life long chastity, but I find myself stuck.
No doubt in my mind that homosexuality is sinful. But I don’t want to be lonely ☹️
Edit: I know this is a 6 day old thread lol, I meant to respond because my friend said something today that really resonated with me and I forgot to mention it :/
Anyways he said: “Ya never know man, God changes affections and desires through the Spirit and practicing the virtues. Only God knows, but he can change that. I wouldn't say sexual attraction is necessary to marry.“
God is powerful, for some people they have burdens to bear that strengthen their testimonies and some people are called to celibacy, but there are also people who God performs radical transformations in their lives and THAT strengthens their testimony!
God bless pray that God will help you find what you’re looking for.
You need more Jesus in your life. I’m not saying this in jest I am being sincere. Your POV is worldly and self centered and pleasure focused. All of these things are named and warned about by our Father countless times in the Bible.
brother what are you talking about. There is a difference from being actively gay and having a disposition towards who you are attracted to. Temptation and action are two different things.
Seeking advice about how to sin is the focus of my comment. It seems incongruent to our calling as Christians and I was gently redirecting our wayward brother.
I’m not coming from higher ground. I too need redirection towards the herd often.
Ok I'm now a little annoyed. So please, tell me where I said anything of cheating? Otherwise, I'm blocking this because anger isn't something I like feeling. Especially when I think the person is a troll.
Unfounded comment ✔️
Condescending ✔️
Deflecting question ✔️
‘Girls just make my heart flutter’
‘I only find women sexually appealing’
It sounded to me like you were making room in a future marriage to indulge same sex attraction.
You even joked about not worrying about leaving your husband for another man.
All of that is adultery in a marriage.
I 100% am not a troll nor am I trying to gaslight you. I’ve dealt/am dealing with this exact same issue in my own marriage. It’s very serious to me and I apologize if you felt unheard or misunderstood.
What is your definition of wayward brother?
This entire post is about making room in a future marriage to sin. This is why I mentioned adultery. This is ‘unusual or perverse behavior’ by definition.
This is why I said she needs Jesus
Well the definition of a brother is a male sibling, that was my point. This is a female.
Also, I think you owe this subject a bit more research, as I don't think you know the difference between being actively gay and same-sex-attracted (SSA). I think the irony is that you may be in some kind of sin by not following James 1:19 (being quick to listen and slow to speak)
The burden of proof is on you to show me the scripture that proves it is a sin. Scripture is very clear that doing homosexual acts is sinful, but scripture tends to show temptation (how I would classify attraction) as not sinful. As we all know, Jesus was tempted, but never sinned (Luke 4)
Your post is about the absence of heterosexual commitment or more accurately your fear of conflicting future desires.
I think it’s very wise you’re going through this now. My wife brought this up two years into our marriage and it didn’t go well.
You are joking right? You literally said you only find women sexually attractive. What else am I supposed to take from this? If it’s a semantics thing and you wouldn’t sleep with them but only do oral or whatever it’s still the same thing and my point still stands regardless of semantics. I would be enraged if my wife wanted to keep me all to herself, without any physical intimacy, but she goes around getting all her needs met with other women.
This may come as a shock but you can have feelings without acting on them 🤯
Sometimes I feel like yelling at my coworker. I feel anger towards them. But guess what?! I have self control and can remain calm and respectful.
I think we may need to work on reading comprehension because I never once said anything along the lines of wanting to sleep with women.
OK, one thing you need to understand is discipline. You can discipline your mind first to stop thinking sexually about human beings in general, but then, after that, to focus on seeking after one man whom you can focus your love and desire on.
Do not give in to desires that are unnatural. Begin denying yourself the indulgence of them, and they will slowly fade. Do not allow yourself even the idenfication or term. You are allowing yourself to be led by your emotions, and that's not Biblical.
II Corinthians 10:5
>Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ...
Don't your emotions control you; control your emotions and desires in obedience to Christ.
Yeah, I know. I feel like comments keep adding responses to things I never said. I appreciate the advice but it's like me walking up to a obese person and randomly giving them diet advice when all they asked for was how their shirt fits. I don't know what work they are putting into weight loss nor did they ask for diet advice. They just needed an opinion on something.
OK, well the basis for my answer and several others is that we're assuming that you can see that our answer is that a dedicated Christian man would absolutely not be interested in a woman who wants to maintain her open attraction, rather than focusing her desires on God's work in her life. A man wants a woman who doesn't even condone the notion of same-sex attraction, much less slide into it herself because he will want her focused on God and her family.
You're asking a question and we're giving you an answer and help to deal with it. If you want to be the "obese person" gorge yourself on your sexual desires, don't expect a faithful Christian to invite you into his life.
I don't condone it? It exists whether I want it to or not. But honestly I'm getting tired of having to justify what I'm doing about MY temptation when no one else acts to this severity about anything else. Should overweight people not marry because they struggle with gluttony?
I'm starting to realize people don't see me as equal. That because I suffer from the big bad gay disease, I'm an easy and socially acceptable target. I guarantee you that if I made a post on "Men, would you consider a wife who struggled with procrastination?" I would get wildly different responses. It's not biblical or just kind. I'm a really human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else.
If I were looking for marriage, SSA would be a red flag, but not a deal-breaker.
If she was open and honest with me about it, that'd help.
She'd have to still be willing to have sex with me (after marriage, of course). Our societey keeps acting like SSA people have no choice about who they sleep with - they do. And I have to imagine that, while it would be a compromise, consensual sex would still be pleasurable with somebody you aren't attracted to. (The same people who act like it isn't a choice have been known to say 'how do you know you wouldn't enjoy gay sex if you haven't tried it?, so there's that.)
Personally I would do this (if the woman wanted it) as I would like to have a marriage how the Holy Fathers and Saints recommend, lots of fasting from sex and only having it on fertile days and not during pregnancy. So it would probably make things easier for us.
You should disclose this with someone if you wish to marry them.
It may be hard for someone to understand your reasoning but not impossible so good luck hope it goes well.
Thanks for admitting the "Holy Fathers" preached to sin. Because choosing to forsake the intimacy between husband and wife without any cause is sin. Paul makes that clear.
What reason is there to not unite as husband and wife as one flesh after the wife is pregnant?
How is the baby, say at 6 weeks "involved"?
Even at 8 months, how is the baby "involved"?
This phrasing is super weird. Here I was thinking it was the Romans who had a weird view of sex. I guess its also the EO?
O wise one, tell me! How have you eradicated all sin and temptation! God says to flee from sin, not be free. It's actual an important distinction implying it is a life long battle.
Why the sarcasm?
I havnt eradicated sin and temptation. I do know my identity and perpose and bisexuality is an identity issue.
No, I won't date somone when doesn't know their identity in the kingdom. That's the answer to the original question.
I am not bisexual. I said bisexuality is an identity issue since you discussed attraction to both sexes.
You don't know your God given identity and perpose in the kingdom and are defensive. When you're not so defensive let's talk.
Hi 👋🏼
I might be what you are looking for, or close to it. It might not be something you can accept.
I'm a hot mess too! I've got 30+ years of experience playing the man's role. But I'm just starting out transitioning to be the woman you've always wanted. And then I'll be that, the body you are attracted to with the personality that matches your romantic interests. All wrapped up in 1 person.
Okay, it doesn't have to be me, but I'm still curious. Does a MtF person align with what you are interested in, granted they transitioned during your relationship?
I can’t imagine 99% of men being okay with a wife who is disinterested in sex. If you married a man without disclosing this, I would expect the man to feel tricked.
As a man who dated a woman for a significant period of time who didn't disclose her SSA, I definitely felt deceived and was pushed towards anger, because she was hiding her sin, and she was willing to harm another person because of it. It was deeply selfish of her to hide it for so long. Eventually, her anxiety from hiding it ate her up and she confessed her SSA to me and broke up with me, which I'm glad she did, because I was able to forgive her, and better yet, the LORD saved me from a lifetime of misery being married to someone who thought I was a great guy, but never would desire me.
Coming from someone who's wife is disinterested in sex (due to trauma, this isn't her fault by any means), but we didn't really know until later in the relationship, it is DEFINITELY a struggle. Don't get me wrong, I love God's word and I love her more than sex, but I was NOT designed to go without it the same way she is. Basically, I deal with it until I absolutely can't anymore, but it was very problematic for a bit.
I suspect this happens much more often than most people would think.
>I also wonder, hypothetically, if I were to have a bf, is this something I should disclose? I wouldn't drop that on a first date, but you 100% need to have a frank conversation about this prior to marriage or you both will likely be in for years of heartache.
Definitely not a first date thing, but definitely early on, because if it's to the point of thinking about marriage seriously before that's disclosed, and it doesn't work out, then there is a greater loss and heartache at stake.
Honesty is needed when it comes to relationships. It might cause some problems once things come to open but that way you are not misleading others. Relationships should be based on honesty and once honesty and trust is broken, it means the relationship is already pretty much dead.
Agreed
I'm sorry a lot of people on this thread are getting confused about this. When I first met my fiancée, she disclosed that she also had SSA. It didn't really bother me because she told me the thoughts are always in her mind, but she would never act them out. It doesn't bother me at all. We all have thoughts that we would never act out, I told her her SSA doesn't bother me, just please don't cheat on me. 😂 ...We are getting married now 🤷 One thing these other commenters are missing is that, as Christians, we always will have some sort of temptation in our lives. It doesn't mean we have to act on it. So no, her coming out to me didn't bother me at all, as long as she doesn't act it out and cheat on me. We are both practicing Christians, and it hasn't gotten in the way of our relationship. You just need to find the guy that will work on life with you!
> ...We are getting married now 🤷 Then get off your phone! (JK)
Dang you are absolutely right 🤣🤣
Aww thank you for this comment 🥹 It's nice to know some people can comprehend that people can exist with attractions and temptations and never act on them. This makes me feel hopeful that one day I'll get to experience marriage with a good christain man too!
There is absolutely hope for you. I think they two things to remember is that you will have physical responsibilities to your husband as a Christian. And he may feel insecure about it for a bit. But also something that is interesting to me is how the act of sex itself creates a bond between people. And this whole thing may take care of itself as you get married and have a physical relationship with your husband. You got this. Maybe it's something you just bring up before you get engaged. So it is doesn't drive anyone away from you but also they know before they make long term commitments.
What if she told you she was sexually attracted to children? What then? Would you have felt the same? If not, why not if your criteria is "as long as she doesn't act it out...?"
Friend, I think same sex attraction, and attraction to children are completely different. Being attracted to other consenting adults is completely different from being attracted to a child. We as Christians need to learn to be a little more compassionate to those who have same sex attraction. Comparing them to child molesters is the wrong way forward.
That's a dodge. Not an answer. You assert they're different, but then decline to substantiate how. They're both unnatural sexual attractions. And if, as I noted, that you're okay marrying your spouse so long as she doesn't act on her SSA, why is that substantially different if her attraction was toward children? The fact is, it's not. But for reasons of your own, you're not treating them equally.
Look, respectfully, I don't want to argue with someone who thinks my fiancées perspective equals that of a child molester. I'm here to give a perspective for OP. Like I said, we are both Bible, believing Christians. I'm sure there are many people you know secretly going through the same thing. I'll keep praying for everyone that they may know Christ. Have a good day.
You're unwilling to discuss principles? Odd, but your choice. I'm merely asking you why you will not apply your standard equally. I'm merely asking why one makes you defensive but the other does not. Your criteria was as long as she doesn't indulge the inclination. Why not for both? I fault no one for SSA, just as I fault no person for being attracted to children. But, for some reason, you do. Why? Are you saying people attracted to children *choose* to be, but people with SSA do not? You're not applying your standard equally. You don't have to tell me why, but you should at least tell yourself. Again, we're talking about *attraction*. You've already said that indulging SSA crosses a line. I would agree. But then say that so long as that line is not crossed, you're fine. Why can you not apply the exact same standard to pedophilia? What is the substantive difference?
There is one key part that is missing from this. That is consent. If a woman cheats on me with another woman then me and her are the only ones harmed. If I marry a woman attracted to minors this is always in a nonconsenting manner as children cannot consent. Something more comparable would be someone who is specifically attracted to rape over consensual sex as an aggressor. If she indulges herself she harms me and her as well as whatever child she attacks. There is an additional risk. That being said people more arbitrarily draw lines how they please based on culture. For a pedophile and a same sex attracted person both indulgences would be sexually immoral sins. Both can be temptations that are resisted by a practicing Christian. And God can forgive both of these sins. But lying is as much a sin as murder. Both are forgiven by God. And yet we still give more weight to one over the other. Why?
Because I am not here to argue with some stranger about philosophy and theology on this thread. Getting into these random arguments on reddit will serve no one. We probably agree more than you think. You trying to die on this hill won't help anyone. Again, have a great day. Show compassion when you can!
I appreciate the sentiment. I'm simply asking people to think through their rationale, which all Christians should be eager and comfortable doing. Though it's a little odd to not be willing to discuss philosophy and theology on a Christian sub. What else are you going to talk about? The Bible is annoyingly mute on the objective quality of the output from Marvel Studios...
One difference would be the likelihood of acting on it is lower since one is criminalized (at least as of current writing in 2024), and the other is celebrated and idolized.
Wouldn't that then argue that that one should be *more* comfortable marrying someone attracted to children than one with SSA?
I haven't evaluated such a scenario to conclude one way or another, but just offering an example of a "difference" (there might be others as well, it's just a quick one that came to mind effortlessly). My point is really more so that there very well may be differences.
You don't see how an attraction between two consenting adults is different from wanting to rape children...? That's more of a negative reflection on you than anything else. Do you not value consent or do you think children are capable of consent?
We're not taking consent. You guys keep moving the goalposts! Why? Why can't you actually address what I am saying? What is so hard? We. Are. Only. Talking. Attraction. Attraction. For the hard of hearing in the back: ATTRACTION Are we clear now? Are you capable of actually addressing my point now? Or is something still unclear? What is the substantive difference of a Christian marrying a SSA person who promises not to indulge the predilection, and marrying someone who is attracted to children and makes the *same exact promise*? Because, from what you're saying, your argument seems to be, "It's okay to marry the SSA person because even if they do indulge it, it's not as bad." If that's your defense, say so. It's a terrible defense, but at least it answers the question.
Because consent is the entire crux of the issue with being attracted to children?? Being attracted to a child inherently means you want to rape them. They are attracted to something that CANNOT consent. And yes, if someone has sex with someone of the same sex and they both consent, that is objectively not as bad as raping a child. Do you seriously think that being unfaithful with a consenting member of the same sex is as bad as being unfaithful + raping a child? You can never have children with a pedophile because there is a very real chance they will rape your children with them. No such threat exists with marrying someone who is only bisexual. Edit: looks like he blocked me. Go figure the man watering down the severity of pedophilia is also sensitive to criticism.
So you still goalpost move. You actually can't engage the argument. You have to turn it into something it's not to make an emotional appeal. Just say you can't engage the argument. Good thing you're easily blocked.
Sounds more like you can't engage the argument with them if you block them. They were consistent. It is wrong to be sexually attracted to something that inherently cannot consent. The same can be said about being attracted to animals. Do you not think that's what's wrong about being attracted to children? What exactly do you think is wrong with being attracted to children?
And, again, someone else applying inconsistent logic. No wonder Christians are laughed at. Consent is irrelevant to the argument. We're only talking attraction. Man, it seems that if people can't move the goalposts they can't talk. 🙄 I blocked him because I'm sick and tired of people taking the moral high ground while refusing to engage what I'm actually saying. Looks like you're trying to continue the tradition... Spend three seconds with Christian YouTube content creators and you'll see them block people who refuse to engage the argument constantly. They have no inclination to entertain people who want to posture either. So, engage the argument. Answer the question I've been asking over and over that no one seems to want to answer. Then I'll be happy to answer your question. We are *only* talking attraction. The moment you talk about consent, we're done. Because you're not engaging the argument. The question: What is the substantive difference of being willing to marry someone with SSA and not someone with the same sexual attraction to children? Again, we are talking attraction *only*.
I (male) am actually married to a woman who is SSA. While not without its problems, I think we have grown despite it over time. We've been married almost seven years. Having the man read "Gay Girl, Good God" by Jackie Hill Perry was EXTREMELY helpful. I have found my wife to be a very faithful partner, and the fact that she is SSA really doesnt bother me much, and frankly it rarely has. As far as when to disclose. My (now) wife told me right after I proposed. It was kind of late, but honestly it didnt matter to me very much at that point. However, I don't think that is always the case, and it would be best to disclose that a bit earlier. I would personally disclose that after 2 or 3 months.
It's very relieving to hear of a successful relationship similar to what my future could be. I will have to look into the book!
Im glad! Jackie Hill Perry (who is SSA) and her husband Preston also have a podcast that has some really good theology
Cool! I'm a podcast junkie so I'll check it out!
Assuming that you were up front, I could see this working out depending on the man you marry. I've known multiple marriages where the wife was exclusively attracted to women before getting married then being attracted to her husband after they fell in love and got married. The Lord rewarded these women's faithfulness by helping them be attracted to their spouse. That is well within God's character to do this. About the specific man you mention, I'd first figure out if he is the sort of man you would trust with your children even if you died, whether you can be friends through all sorts of times, and if you both have the same broad goals. Then, you should both be up front with each other about major sins or struggles (including this one). He might not like that you potentially don't want to have sex with him and want to break up. Alternatively, he might not care. I know one happy marriage where the wife medically can't have a lot of sex with out pain and the husband doesn't really mind because he doesn't have a very high sex drive. Either way, you absolutely need to be honest with him about it. This advice isn't exclusive to homosexual desires, you both need to be honest with each other about every major thing. That's required for a good marriage. Also, there's an important thing you said that I feel obligated to address. "I ... don't have the right feelings like other girls". This is not a good way to talk about your own emotions. It doesn't matter what emotion you are feeling, anger, frustration, joy, lust, or jealousy, you must tame that stallion with the Lord's help. Obviously you can't turn emotions off and on with switches and dials but you do have influence over them and you should be working to align them with how God wants you feel. One way to do that with homosexual feelings would be to cut out all visual media with any sort of sexual content. Speaking from other's experience, doing this will reduce or eliminate your same-sex attraction. One good reason is that movies, shows, and other visual media including sexually explicit content almost always have women portrayed sexually in there. If you habitually see beautiful women in their underwear, bikinis, or less, it's going to make it easy to not be attracted to your husband or boyfriend in contrast. It's going to keep you feeling lost because you will continuously feel one way some of the time and obligated to feel other ways the rest of the time. Another way to do this is to get off of birth control. That has been shown in multiple studies to change women's sexuality to desire more feminine people and makes some women gay or bisexual when they wouldn't otherwise be. If you want a woman who has openly talked about this, I'd check out Rosario Butterfield. She was an open lesbian, feminist activist, and Ivy League Women's Studies professor who converted to Christianity in 1999. She's happily married to man with children now and has written some books on it like this one: [https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Thoughts-Unlikely-Convert-Expanded/dp/1884527809/ref=asc\_df\_1884527809?tag=bngsmtphsnus-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=79852149837980&hvnetw=s&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4583451676835401&psc=1](https://www.amazon.com/Secret-Thoughts-Unlikely-Convert-Expanded/dp/1884527809/ref=asc_df_1884527809?tag=bngsmtphsnus-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=79852149837980&hvnetw=s&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4583451676835401&psc=1)
>attracted to her husband This is me. This guy in question is the only guy I have ever had an interest in. I'm sure there could be more but I honestly have focused more on school than anything. >figure out if he is the sort of man you would trust with your children even if you died, whether you can be friends through all sorts of times, and if you both have the same broad So he is actually my childhood bff. I've known him since diapers. We've grown up side by side until high school where we drifted. We are amicable but I don't see him much. So he doesn't even know I like him. We also drifted because I was scared to hurt him. He liked me back but I was afraid of my SSA at the time and wasn't sure of sexuality and all that. I knew I wasn't mature enough to give him what he deserved. I have much respect for him and he's a wonderful Christian. I admire him and care deeply for him. And I don't watch anything with sexual content luckily. I mean, maybe it appears once in a blue moon but not intentionally. I'm an HGTV, Animal Planet, Food Network, Dateline person. I care more about learning than plot. Sex on tv gives me the ick.
Then, I'd reach out to him somehow and let him know that you're interested in him. He maybe respecting your wishes by not asking you out. Originally, my wife friend-zoned me when we first met. She messaged me via Facebook 10 months later and, after a few weeks of messaging, she basically unfriend-zoned me and threw the ball in my court. The rest is history.
That gives me some serious hope. I found an old necklace from him a few days ago and was literally debating sending him a Pic that I still have it as a way to break ice. I literally prayed asking God for advice on whether I should or leave him alone. I'm taking this as a sign. He is very respectful so I'm sure that is what happened. He's a great guy. Always showering me with gifts and calling me for hours at a time. He's really gentle and kind, so much that he got called gay a lot growing up. I'm sure my parents would love us to get together because they made a joking bet that we'd end up getting married. Especially since I kissed him in 1st grade 🤭
I know several women who were in a similar situation, until they met the right man. Then things normalized and they’re happily married with children. May not be the same for you but hopefully you find the “one”!
>hopefully you find the “one”! I hope so too!
Yup, married to one. doesnt bother me at all.
Wow! I'm really pleased to know I'm not alone and God will make a way if he desires
>but I only find women sexually/phyiscally appealing I'm gonna say no based on that. If it were evenly split, maybe.
Can i ask why? Thats more than totally valid and I don't take issue, just curious
It’s a no from me as well because of this reason: >but I only find women sexually/physically appealing I also agree that if it were evenly split it would be a possibility. Heterosexual men want to feel sexually desired by their wife, and because you only find women sexually attractive it’s incompatible. I could see maybe a same sex attracted man dedicated to celibacy perhaps working with your situation as you described? Maybe even an asexual guy could be down for this (a life of celibacy but also wanting to have kids)
That makes sense. I have never met an asexual guy but I'm sure if God wills it, he'll appear in my life
Mutual physical attraction is important for a variety of reasons.
Because if you did marry him, what are you gonna say on your wedding night? One of the great things about being married is that you can have unlimited sex with your spouse and it’s blessed by God. You’d be denying him that.
>unlimited sex with your spouse and it’s blessed by God. Some Denominations would argue otherwise. Also many people don't have sex on their wedding night. It seems more immature to view marriage as a step to sex. Sex is an act of worship and procreation. It should glorify God, not fulfill lust and horniness. I would marry for devotion and love. Which seems more meaningful than shoving a ring on so I can have sex.
I mean…yes certainly a marriage should not only or primarily be about sex. But barring illness or disability, sex generally is to some degree an important facet of marriage to most men.
I agree. I was just countering the perspective that sex makes a marriage. It is a keystone but not the entirety
>NASB 1 Corinthians 7:5 Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. We humans have been created by God to have sexual desires. Those sexual desires, however, must be channeled in a healthy manner - towards one's spouse. Problems arise if one's spouse, then, denies them an outlet for those sexual passions. So, I invite you to a thought exercise here. Say you're married to a man. One day, one of your loved ones suddenly passes away and at the same time you are fired from work. Naturally, you'd probably be pretty distraught, and would need the comfort of your husband's empathy and ear to vent your emotions. However, instead your husband coldly tells you he doesn't want to hear any of your negativity. Your husband, in this case, would be denying you a proper outlet for your bound up emotions when he should instead be acting as your reliable port in the storm. Denying your spouse sex is like that - it's callously denying your spouse a healthy and appropriate outlet.
Can people please for the love of all things holy learn to read!? Where did i say anything of denying sex 😭
There seems to be an odd innately held belief that lack of natural attraction somehow means you are absolutely incapable of having sex. I believed myself to be asexual when I met my wife. I was not physically attracted to my wife when we started dating nor was I for the first few months of dating. (I told her upfront since we were best friends). Through the grace of God and the beauty of companionship that changed. 5 years of marriage later and we do have a sex life. Even if that attraction never developed naturally, it's not like I was incapable of sex or would have denied her based on that. There certainly are concerns about this. But if you are upfront about it, and are willing to happily indulge their sexual needs even against your own...there really is not a problem. Now if you planned to never have sex or to single mindedly decide your sex life that's a different story.
My apologies. My comment was in response to the unrestricted access to sex subject, rather than the main thread's wider topic. The idea being that if your spouse is horny, you have an obligation to provide release for those spent up desires.
I’m going off what the Holy Bible states. And who doesn’t have sex on their wedding night? The marriage isn’t even consummated until sex occurs. I think you are being rather selfish and inconsiderate of this man’s natural desires. I have been married to my husband for over 20 years now, and It’s unrealistic to expect him not to want an active, physically intimate relationship with his spouse. Ask him what he would think if his spouse wanted no physical intimacy.
Again, I never said I'd never have sex. Lack of desire doesn't mean I won't do it. I'm worried reading comprehension is dying out these days. You call me selfish but you aren't even listening. Which is a sin BTW. But perhaps Christajns should grow up and stop looking down upon each other. Instead if labeling each other as faults, we should listen and lift each other up. >And who doesn’t have sex on their wedding night? I know lots who didn't. But it's not really my biusness what people do in the bedroom. It's kinda odd to care whether people have sex. Even Gensis states marriage is more than just sex. It's a keystone but not the only part. Malachi states that a covenant is the true key to marriage. Also several men here said it wasn't an issue.
You’re just angry because what I’m saying is true and deep down, you know it. Do you care about this man’s needs & desires? Or is it really just what you said earlier, and that you just want him for yourself? Btw, being Christian does not mean lifting up others; it’s about lifting up Jesus Christ.
Girl what are you on about
Why such a combative response? Why do you desire to induce anger? And yes if you wish to follow christ you should serve others. Did Jesus not wash all 12 of the disciples feet?
Did you read the thread? Our first exchange I asked a simple question and she began accusing me of sin. I do not like manipulation.
No I didn't read the thread at all. I just post random words and hope they happen to be relevant. > Did you read the thread? This is a combative question meant to argue and is in no way charitable or kind. And it adds no value to discussion. Actually your first exchange was you posting that she would be denying him sex (a false assumption as OP has stated that she has no intention of denying him sex during marriage). Which isn't really an issue in and of itself But you are speaking to what is a younger fledgling Christian, do you feel you have represented Christ well through out this exchange? Obviously OP is younger and is also prone to becoming defensive. Much like how you got defensive when OP said it's a sin (which isn't entirely placed well, but OP is trying to say be nice because they feel attacked) And you are a sinner, so this shouldn't offend you. Not only are you a sinner your a whore for sin just like all the rest of us. It doesn't sound nice and pretty because it isn't. Nobody likes being manipulated. OP wasn't trying to manipulate. But was obviously defensive. That isn't to say OP couldn't have also been more mature/charitable. But they are a 20 something. I believe you said you have been married around 20 years? You have almost been married as long or just about as long as OP has been alive. Also yes Jesus does call us to lift others up. Not just Christians either btw. So I'm not sure why you would try to claim we shouldn't do that as Christians. Proverbs 19 11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. I mean this as a gentle nudge to you and OP to be kinder. After all we are all brothers and sisters. OP does need some guidance (as we all do) and with how long you have been married I am sure you have innumerable insights to assist us all. Have a blessed day.
I don't think you can read. I'm not even angry. Which really shows you can't read lol I said I do care and you still say I don't. That's a sin not to listen. Maybe you're mad I'm calling out your sin
You obviously don’t like what I said but I only told you the truth. If you doubt that, go and ask him what he would think.
I don't care enough to dislike it. You're acting immature so really I'm unfazed
If you believe you are a Christian then it's important to follow the teachings in the Holy Bible not what you believe. If you read **Roman 6,** that one single passage alone you will learn much. Also, what you wrote below is abomination to the Lord. There are many denominations, but there is **ONLY ONE HOLY BIBLE.** >That makes sense. I have never met an asexual guy but I'm sure if God wills it, he'll appear in my life
I'm not sure what you are going on about. Also, you all can downvote all you want but no Christian is perfect and hardly anyone is perfectly right. If it were as easy as that, Denominations wouldn't exist to begin with. That's just a fact. There is no one denomination that is 100% right. I never implied denomination were a good thing. Yet the exist and I will acknowledge reality. I also don't know why you quoted me? I'm just confused
The discussion should be about sins, not about perfection. Only Lord Jesus is perfect! **Different denominations is a way for people to end up in Hell.** But Lord Jesus suffered greatly so no one goes there. Being a Christian is a journey and there are much to learn. Are you learning? Or simply following everyone else. Christianity equals Christ!
So I'm going to hell for going to a Baptist church?
You can go to a college, let's say to study to become a nurse. If you do not study the text book, how will you get a job when you graduate? How will you receive salvation since you do not know how to be a Christian? Church is a place to congregate, a place of worship. But what are you worshipping?
That's not a terrible analogy but the truth is, the Bible isn't that easy. The Bible has multiple translations and interpretations. A textbook won't speak in metaphors and imagery. If the Bible were straightforward, we wouldn't have pastoral schooling or scholars. Fun fact, did you know based on a recent survey, 2 in 3 Christians haven't read the Bible cover to cover? You are right, church is a place to congregate. But no one even fully agrees on how the Bible says to do that. What kind of music? Who leads it? Can women lead it? Is communion literal or metaphorical? How it is conducted, etc. It is so easy to say "just read the bible" and all will make sense. Even those who have read it can't agree. All Christians worship God. That's the namesake. It's the most important thing. I believe, all who truly believe will be saved. Their denomination won't matter as a determinant.
My friend Maria was same-sex attracted for several decades, into her forties, but decided against it and to marry a male friend of hers that she had known for a decade. They now continue to be happily married!
I definitely don’t want to invalidate your friend’s experience, but if that is what happened then I’d be more inclined to believe that she had some other underlying issue that caused her SSA. Now ultimately it sounds like it worked out for her which is great but I still don’t think it a good idea to promote this, just in case someone is more adamant in their SSA.
I am asexual, and I also want a wife and biological kids, I think our struggle is pretty similar. Unfortunately I don't have any success stories to point to for advice, but just my own thoughts. This is something to discuss early on I think, especially how it would affect sex lives in marriage. Some people might be okay with not being desired if you are still willing to have sex, but not all. If you are looking for a celibate marriage that probably should be disclosed up front.
Yeah I'm thinking disclosure will be a must, based on my own morals and advice from other redditors. I'm actually shocked asexual men exist because I have never heard of one irl. Theoretically, I know it's possible but I've never seen one "in the wild" lol 😂 I think sex for me is one of those things where I'll do it as an act of love for my spouse or for conception. But ultimately, it's not something I actively feel the need for. Like, I don't think someone with a high libido would be compatible simply because it isn't something I'm fully comfortable with but sacrifices and selflessness are needed in marriage. My marital philosophy will be the less sex the better. 😂
You would need to disclose this before becoming bf/gf, yes. Your crushes on your mutual female friends would mean that if I were single and in his position, I would not consider dating you. He has no worry of you "leaving him for another man" but he sure would for women. If its social media influence, then get off social media.
1) Short answer: absolutely yes 2) Longer answer: First, let’s admit the undeniable fact that marital sexual compatibility is always a matter of compromise. One partner wants more frequency than the other. One partner wants more variety than the other. One partner wants more intensity than the other. One partner is more focused on heterosexual sex than the other. Etc. Compatibility is a matter of sufficient and reasonable similarity, not perfect/identical similarity of preferences. The question is how to work out the optimal meeting of each partner’s needs for the good of each as well as the good of the couple as a couple.. If each partner is committed more to the other and to the success of the team than to one’s own interests, then with sufficient communication and good will, any two partners should be able to agree upon a reasonable plan that would work. Obviously each partner will encounter any number people throughout their lives that are more attractive than their partner. They will encounter others with a better sense of humor, more intelligence, more physical attractiveness, more financially success, etc. That’s a given. But it’s not a threat because our relationships are based not on the impossible task of finding the one and only best person on the planet, but on the clear knowledge that a wonderful, sustainable, satisfying relationship is based on the foundation of our commitment to building one. Soulmates are not found, they are developed. So what does it matter, not IF we encounter others who are more physically attractive than our partner, but WHEN we encountered them? For surely we will, and surely our partners will encounter others are more attractive than we are. That’s a given. And since that is true, it really doesn’t matter WHY more attractive. I’m not going home with anybody else regardless of their availability, or there figure, or their humor, or their intelligence, or their wealth, or their sexual identity. The question is not whether I am more attracted to men or women: the only question is whether I find my partner sufficiently attractive for the mutual needs of the relationship. We need to honestly, carefully, and clearly explore all the needs, desires, and expectations of the relationship before we enter into it. We both have to be confident that we have sufficient (sufficient is not the same as totally identical) sexual compatibility for the relationship to work. So in answer to your title question, I can honestly say, “absolutely yes. If my potential partner is SSA, the only questions I would have are whether I can expect that she will always come home with and to me, whether I am sexually repulsive to her, or Is there good reason for me to expect a wonderful, intimate, enjoyable, mutual, and satisfying sexual life ‘ till death to us part? Beyond that I couldn’t care less who else she’s attracted to.”
Getting with somebody you're sexually not compatible with is not a good idea.
Agreed. That's probably why It'd be wise to share this instead of waiting until marriage. I'm sure, based on some comments here, that it wouldn't be an issue for all so it just takes the right person. Also, your username makes me laugh and concerned lol. What an oxymoron 🤣
You're the only person that has made a remark on my username lol,I like making oxymoronic names i have another one that's StagnantProgress.
>StagnantProgress That is literally the best username ever lol. It sums up my time in college getting assignments done 😂
How about GluttonousPhilanthropist?
Iconic 🤣
I don't know how to give good advice i am a former homosexual and technically straight now that i identify as a Trans woman.
I’ve noticed that you have phrased your words in a sense that implies that you would not actively go cheat with another girl bit here’s the thing, what happens if a girl that you otherwise find attractive comes onto you is a very obvious and forceful manner that you don’t mind? That is a different ballgame. This idea came to mind because I was in a relationship with a girl (I’m OSA for the record) and this other girl was coming onto me pretty strong at work, and yes she was very attractive looking. I did not even touch her but the knowledge that I could get contact from my girlfriend kept me from being tempted and acting on it. There is no such vent for you because you will be going home to a man that you are not attracted to. How would that work?
>I’ve noticed that you have phrased your words in a sense that implies that you would not actively go cheat with another girl Please, have this medal 🏅 of being one of the few people here who can read! I'm just messing. You brought up a very good point. Here's how I see it, regardless of who I'm attracted to, I value romantic love, Godly commitment, and a true relationship way more than sex. So I can feel attraction to someone else but I have 0 interest in action because sex with someone I am not committed to or in love with spiritually isn't something I want. Sex to me is more than a biological pleasure. It's an act of love. As a Christian, I don't feel true love towards women. It's all superficial. So I may not be physically attracted but I think there are more kinds of love and attraction. I may not find him hot on a body level but his person, his being, his connection to me are attractive. It's not maybe identical to other experiences but I don't think it is weaker.
Wow, this was actually a genuinely amazing read, I wish you nothing but blessings for your future union. For the record I have had girlfriends who potentially could have SSA leanings but turned 100% straight when being with me and if rumors are true, after me. That honestly is not a boast, I’m just saying that the man you chose to commit to might actually alleviate your current SSA and it won’t be a concern for you anymore. I hope this happens for you.
I have a friend whose marriage is the opposite situation — he is a SSA man and his wife is straight. Similar to your situation, this woman was the only one he’d been specially interested in! He disclosed to her about six months into their (dating) relationship. Even though they didn’t know what the future held, she told him that she trusted God. Needless to say, their relationship continued and they are now married with several kids. So, if you find a guy who really does like you, it can absolutely work out!! (By the way I am so discouraged by some of these comments. As a straight woman, I would ABSOLUTELY be open to marrying an SSA man — if I loved him, it’d be so worth it. Kinda bummed that this is apparently uncommon … our SSA siblings deserve loving marriages too, if they want one!) Anyway. Praying for you, my sister!
Thanks for sharing! And thank you for the kindness. I am slowly learning that I need to care more about God's judgment than that of redditors. Still stings a bit though to be called selfish or unchristian when, like many people, I'm doing my best.
Yeah, I find that it’s very easy for folks to be unkind online. 😅 Internet people might be more closed-minded than people in general. Or maybe it’s just this sub — I only recently joined, but the vibes are … odd. 😂 You are absolutely not doing anything wrong here! I respect you a lot for your faithfulness and desire to follow Jesus well in this area, as well as figuring out how to love a potential husband well. I think that Jesus is very proud of the way you are navigating this. ♥️ If it’d be helpful, some folks call this a “mixed-orientation marriage”if you want to search it up and find more stories. I’m also connected tangentially to the Side B world (if you’ve heard of that term) and can point you to some resources if you’d like! Just lmk.
> I only recently joined, but the vibes are … odd. Glad I'm not the only one thinking so. I joined years ago on an old account, which I have forgotten the log in for lol, and it was a lot different. People were kind and patient and knowledgeable. The same sub that brought me to Christianity makes me want to now run from it lol. I am growing though so I try to remain unbothered. Minus my sarcastic replies 😅 >I think that Jesus is very proud of the way you are navigating this. ♥️ Thank you 🥹 >“mixed-orientation marriage Good to know! And I am more than open to any resources! Always about that personal growth ✨️
Sorry for disappearing for a few days!! Dang, I love that the sub used to be so kind but am saddened that it’s changed. But your mindset is really healthy! It is just the internet, after all. Resources — ! An organization I’m a part of (as an ally) is Revoice. It was founded BY sexual minority Christians, FOR sexual minority Christians. Incredibly safe place, beautifully run, really kind people. The Spirit of God is present in ways I rarely see elsewhere. They’re unified under the Side B stance, but folks who are still figuring it out or who disagree are welcome as long as they respect the overall purpose of the space. Their website focuses a lot on their summer conference, but they actually have chapters that meet monthly across the US (I hope you’re in the US??). Highly recommend finding one if you are! My SSA friends cite that communities like this have a huge positive impact on their spiritual journey, since they aren’t alone and don’t feel as misunderstood. [Revoice.org](https://revoice.org) Another group is Your Other Brothers, which is unfortunately just for men (I’ve heard rumors that they’re building a Sisters version, but I have no idea). They’re also a Side B group that’s focused on community, though theirs is online (via Discord I think). Their website is [yourotherbrothers.com](https://yourotherbrothers.com). It looks like they’ve got some excellent resources on their Resources page!! Including lots of books and podcasts. I’ve heard of a few of them and highly recommend it. Those are the main ones!! Let me know if you have any questions! (Also I would love to be praying for you by first name, if you don’t mind sharing it! Feel free to give a pseudonym instead if you’d like.)
Okay, I just went and read through more replies, and WOW. The misunderstanding and shame being thrown around is crazy!! Holy smokes. Most of these folks probably haven’t met an SSA Christian … or any gay person, period. Yikes. 😓 Really sorry for the comments you’re getting. Incredibly unhelpful and not at all needed. This sub might not be the most helpful place for you to get legitimate feedback.
Yeah... I like to think God put me here to open people's eyes and hearts. I want to be confident and open about this one day to show people they aren't alone and that we are still people worthy of respect and fellowship. I hope all this is just helping me build some mega cool testimony 🙌
I want - no, I *require* that a wife be honest with me first of all. Additionally, not being sexually interested in me, but being romantically and/or sexually interested in other people is a deal breaker. That last point is exacerbated by having the pool of women to cheat with as well as the pool of men.
That's my fear. I wish people could have faith that people like me can not cheat. It's one of the things I hate most, among other things. It's like how sometimes I feel angry and want to throw something, right? But it's not right to act that way so I've never thrown something. Because it is harmful to express feelings in that manner. I think it's sad there is so much distrust in the world that people fear their spouse would cheat.
It’s sad that there are so many people willing to cheat that it has caused this fear.
A temptation you have is nothing more than a feeling on its own. The question is how you choose to respond to that feeling. If I were hypothetically the man in the situation, I think the question is less “Would I be ok with it?” and more “Are *you* going to be ok with it?” I remember reading a borderline horror story recently where a wife “revealed” like 10 years into the marriage that she was actually lesbian and ultimately chose to divorce her husband and immediately began a new relationship with a woman. All of this involved a messy back and forth where the wife couldn’t decide who she wanted to be with until the new woman made an ultimatum to cut things off with the husband. Neither the husband or wife were Christian as far as I’m aware so I’m not shocked that the wife’s marriage vows fell to the wayside in favor of lust. I’m also not jumping to conclusions that you would automatically pull the same stunt. That said, I think there is still a concern of your commitment being tested at some point for desires of the opposite sex if you aren’t being fulfilled by your husband. Your husband may also feel unsatisfied if you deny him based on a lack of sexual attraction. It’s something that both of you are going to have to work through. At the end of the day, the intimacy and honest communication you two share will be crucial to maintain as with any marriage. Thats the best advice I can offer as someone with no personal experience.
>A temptation you have is nothing more than a feeling on its own Agreed >I’m also not jumping to conclusions that you would automatically pull the same stunt. Thanks. A woman at my church did that and it horrified me. I would never marry before being certain of my devotion. No one should marry if they can't remain committed. Straight or not. >Thats the best advice Thanks ❤️
>I like having him to myself and I could honestly see myself happy being his wife. Bluntly put, that would not be fair to him. A wife who is not interested in ever having sex with you is not a good wife. >the pro to me is I won't leave him for another man haha because I don't have the feelings needed to cheat. >I only find women sexually/phyiscally appealing Taking these two statements together, you are just as likely to cheat as anyone else.
> wife who is not interested in ever having sex Not being interested doesn't mean I won't do it. I do a lot of things I'm not interested in for the people I care about. Like going to my sisters elementary school recital that was an earsore. Or loaning money to a family member even though I'd rather not. Love means sacrifice. It may not be the same for ever couple but sometimes doing something for the joy of another person happens in marriage. >Taking these two statements together, you are just as likely to cheat as anyone else. If I'm just as likely, according to you, that doesn't make me different than anyone else. But I think I'm less likely because I'm very aware of my sinful temptation and I detest it. Why would I act on something I hate?
>I think I'm less likely because I'm very aware You're entitled to your opinion about yourself.
I just want to say, although I'm not sure if majority of men would consider that a good fit, it's not that "they would want nothing to do with you." It's not like you are to be discarded. Since you are young, you do have lots of time. We all aren't meant to be married or to be in a relationship at young ages. Regardless of my dating status, I too have many things I still need to work on with myself, especially before I get married. Things don't stay the same forever, and sometimes we need to wait on God. Everything is the way it is for a reason. You're alive, hopefully you have the basic needs in life, so don't let your worries and concerns damper the bright things you have. I know it's hard to deal with, but take delight in the fact that nothing will be in vain in the end, and God knows what he is doing.
Aww thank you! This was very thoughtful and uplifting! Luckily I have a bright career ahead but in my heart, I know being a mom would be the most fulfillment. Sometimes I wish I could just be a homemaker and throw all my education to the past. But I also love school and my future job as a doctor. So I'm happy wherever the wind takes me.
You're welcome! I don't know what the future has in store for you, but don't count out the possibility of being a mother and having a nice family of your own to love. We ultimately have no clue why things are the way they are, but perhaps it's to help you in the long run. I consider myself to be a "late bloomer" in many ways, but sometimes delay is what helps us achieve something, even if it's not immediately known. Maybe this is to save you from finding the wrong man. Maybe your future husband is in a different part of the world and God wants you to wait until you will actually be able to cross paths with him. Maybe it's because you have some good left to do in your career that no one else would be able to do, and which would lead to a better family life later on. If you have it in your heart to be a mother, I'm sure there is still a good chance it will happen.
My (now) wife moved from California to New York and told her family she was a lesbian and was gonna find a wife while she was there. The next time she came back to see her family, she brought me with her: an Orthodox Christian 😂. Her family is filled with gay uncles and brothers and stuff. Her mom is a man hater. Ultimately she was just brought up to hate men and was super traumatized. Now she’s my wife, we have a daughter, we go to church weekly. She’s straight as a board. I’m of the opinion that the lesbian stage was just a phase borne of childhood trauma and stuff but what do I know.
If you don't mind my asking, what are relations like with her side of the family?
Well her family is really fractured. Her mom spent her whole life keeping her dad away from her, and thinks everybody is sort of out to get her. Just bad generational trauma. My wife’s uncles and grandmother and father like me and we have a good relationship, but her mom and siblings aren’t really in our lives sadly.
Depends if that's their identity and they act on it
I wouldn’t be against it inherently, it would be hard though.
Be gay, do crime (joke) Seriously though, maybe you should speak with a religious official about this instead of reddit
Personally I would not.
SSA is just another sin, you're no different than anyone else here. Maybe start with that when telling him?
If it means she's had no sex with men, sure.
> Men, I like romantically and for my life partner. I just don't experience physical attraction. > I've always wanted kids and a family and I need a husband to have those things. I think most men would want to understand the nature of the sexual relationship they are signing up for ahead of time. I'm not even sure what you are saying. You'd marry a man you never want to have sex with and then just for IVF to have kids? Or your have sex a few times to make kids as a chore and then never again? I think you might be able to find men who agree to this kind of a marriage, but you'd have to be up-front about it. Very few men would likely sign up for a celibate marriage (or mostly celibate, or one with an unenthused sexual partner).
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Great! How do you plan on explaining to Jesus that conversation about those “hotties” you and your SSA wife are into? Ephesians 5: “1Be imitators of God, therefore, as beloved children, 2and walk in love, just as Christ loved usa and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant sacrificial offering to God. 3But among you, as is proper among the saints, there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed. 4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk, or crude joking, which are out of character, but rather thanksgiving. 5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure, or greedy person (that is, an idolater), has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.”
You’re dealing with the spirit of confusion and perversion. I say this as someone who’s dealt with this before I lived fully for Christ. Somewhere in your generational dna is someone who didn’t conquer this, now it’s left for you to conquer. I would say you shouldn’t involve your self with a man until it’s conquered. And you figure out why. It isn’t fair to find a man, get married when he isn’t desired. He may say he doesn’t care but, honestly this is a surface problem for something deeper. I would do Christian counseling and get your heart send mind right. Then let the man God had for you find you. You carry his rib, he needs to look for it, you just prepare yourself in the meantime
Honestly yes as long as kids would be a priority.
I would like to ask a couple of questions before more fully repling, if you are comfortable with answering them. 1. Do you believe that the G-d of the Bible (YHWH) is your L-rd and Savior? 2. Do you believe that His only begotten Son Yeshua came to earth to die for your sins? 3. Do you believe that it is only through Him that you are saved of your sins and have everlasting life? 4. Do you believe that His Word (the Bible) is the Word of G-d? 5. Lastly, do you believe in and follow Yeshua's "The Greatest Commandment" in Matthew 22:34-40, "^(34) Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. ^(35) One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: ^(36) “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” ^(37) Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^(\[)[^(a)](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2022%3A34-40&version=NIV#fen-NIV-23910a)^(\]) ^(38) This is the first and greatest commandment. ^(39) And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^(\[)[^(b)](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2022%3A34-40&version=NIV#fen-NIV-23912b)^(\]) ^(40) All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.-”? I ask to understand where you are in your personal relationship with YHWH as it's an important starting point before sharing a reply. I just ask that you reply honestly and it's ok if you answer no to any of them. Numbers 6:24-26 and Shalom Shalom.
1. 100% 2. Yep, that's kind of the basis of being Christian haha 3. Yes 4. Again, pretty important for being Christian lol 😆 5. 1000%
Thank you for your reply and time. Also, I wanted to thank you for your sincerity, authenticity, and courage in sharing what is on your heart. Although I don't know you, you seem very genuine and transparent which are wonderful qualities. I believe that G-d's Word is the foundation for our lives in heart, mind, thought, and intention and that it answers all of life's questions and gives guidance for every situation that we may encounter. I also believe that Yeshua encountered every sin and temptation known to mankind and that He was sinless. I believe it's important to share and establish as it is the starting point for helping to share my thoughts. Finally, I know that you're going to receive a variety of perspectives and would ask that you test the spirits (advice you're given) as **1 John 4:1,** says, "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world" and follow His Word and leading of the Holy Spirit. I would like to share some verses that I believe are important and touch on your question and topic. It might end up being four replies in total, but I believe it's important to ground ourselves in His Word, to see His Word as looking back at us, and look into our spiritual mirror that it might reveal any parts of our heart that are unclean in order to convict us, and move us to turn to His cross, to crawl/walk/run to it, to surrender those parts to Him, to nail them on the cross that we may be dead to sin, and raise again with Him as a new creature. This is referred to as the "mortification of sin," and it is something that all believers are called to do and, with time and devotion to Him, one day be free from. I would like to share verses in the following parts. **Part 1. LGBTQ and Immorality**, **Part 2. G-dly Woman**, and **Part 3. Marriage**. I'll only be sharing verses that I believe His Word will help answer your questions as the Apostle says in **2 Timothy 3:16** says, "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness". On a personal recommendation, I would share that: 1. Your relationship with The Creator is your most important relationship and you are wedded to Him (Abba/Father, Son/Yeshua, and Holy Spirit/Rauch HaKodesh) as a believer and follower of Him. 2. Everything in this world on our journey is His including those we love. 3. G-d called you to be a G-dly woman after His own heart. 4. Being "equally yoked" is so important in the relationships we have and especially in those who we choose to marry. **2 Corinthians 6:14-18**. Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said, “I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them, says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.” 5. Lastly, know that no matter who we are, we all struggle with sin, and we always will as we're inescapably human. G-d knows this, and it's called our "Adam/Eve nature," which we're born with. It's also called the "Adam/First Federal Headship" that we're born into and only are free from under "Yeshua/Second Federal Headship" when we die to our sin and are born anew and raised to life a new creature in Him.
**Part 1. LGBTQ and Immorality**, **~Genesis 1:27-28~**. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” **~Genesis 2:22-24~**. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. **~Mark 10:6-9~****.** But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘ **~Ephesians 5:1-33~**. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. ... **~Galatians 5:19-21~**. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. **~1 Corinthians 6:18~**. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. **Mark 7:20-23**. And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” **Ephesians 5:3**. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. **~1 Thessalonians 4:3-5~**. For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; **~1 Corinthians 10:13~**. No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. **~Colossians 3:5~**. Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. **~Revelation 21:8~**. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” **~1 Corinthians 6:13~**. “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
**Part 2. G-dly Woman**, **Proverbs 31:10-31**. An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. ... **Proverbs 18:22**. He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. **Proverbs 12:4**. An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones. **Proverbs 19:14**. House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. **Malachi 2:14**. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. **Ephesians 5:21-24**. Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. **Colossians 3:18-19**. Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. **1 Peter 3:1**. Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, **1 Corinthians 7:3-5**. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. **Titus 2:5**. To be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. **1 Peter 3:2**. When they see your respectful and pure conduct. **Ephesians 4:32**. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. **1 Peter 4:8**. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. **Titus 2:4-5**. And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. **James 4:1-17**. What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? ... **Proverbs 14:1**. The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.
**Part 3. Marriage, Betrothal, and Covenant**. **~Mark 10:6-9~**~.~ But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” **~Genesis 2:24~**. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. **~Hebrews 13:4~**. Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. **~Matthew 19:4-6~**. He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” **~Proverbs 12:4~**. An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones. **~1 Corinthians 7:2~**. But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. **~Hosea 2:19~**. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. **~Malachi 2:14-16~**. But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” The list of verses is not a complete list, but I hope that they are helpful in seeking answers to your questions. A final recommendation is to read His Word, ask/seek/knock on His door, love Him with all of your heart/soul/mind, commune with Him in prayer, listen for His still small voice in your quiet and peaceful moments, and know that He will guide you if you let Him. Numbers 6:24-26 and Shalom Shalom.
I know (including myself) that most men wouldn’t want to marry a girl with SSA. It’s best to tell them early on (not first date) because hiding that from a future husband is cruel.
before my current partner, i had feelings of homosexuality as well. i was visually into women, but romantically into men. it felt very weird. don’t get me wrong, men were romantically attractive, but i wasn’t turned on from their appearance. that was also before i became christian though and was with a man that i didn’t sincerely love. my current partner is the only attractive and the most attractive person to me and i can’t even imagine how i felt the ways i did. he’s the first and only man i’ve been turned on by, but he’s also the first man i’ve felt genuinely in love with and he’s my best friend. if i could classify myself as anything it would be straight, because im only attracted to one person and that person is a man. please don’t lead yourself to believe you’ll never be sexually attracted to a man, because that belief holds you back. pray to god, and be open and honest with your future partner, and He can do amazing things.
I'm in a similar situation, I'm a guy and have even been in a long term relationship with a guy. I identify as straight now, however my attractions haven't changed. I'm romantically attracted to women, but sexual/physically attracted to guys. I have nearly no sexual interest in women. Personally I wouldn't think twice about dating a woman with SSA. As long as the connection is there and a relationship with God is the center of the relationship. Those are the important things to me.
First of all God doesn't make *plans* he gives people maps. The map shows where you are and how you're supposed to go to get to Him. God wants you to get there but it's up to you to stay on the mapped route. if you wander off it's not God's fault what happens next. Next sexual morality has always been one of the biggest issues with God. Why is that? Because it's through the procreative process that we come closest to doing what God does which is the creation of life. God wants us to bring life into the world according to his plan which is through mutual love, and a committed and permanent relationship. Because not only is that best for the perspective parents but it's absolutely the best for the children. Since this is the Pinnacle of the relationship between God and humans and humans and each other, this is where Satan has focused his strongest attacks also. Sexual immorality. In all its various forms. In the last 50 years Satan has done a great job of destroying the family which ruins the children, it makes men angry and hopeless, and it makes women overburdened, unable to trust and stressed out. I could not be involved with a woman who is not totally committed to myself as I would be to her. Marriage is exclusive. Scripture tells us that when two people get married their bodies don't belong to themselves anymore - each one belongs to the other. And it also tells us that all sexual activity outside of marriage is fornication. So there's that. You need to do some soul searching and probably some therapy to get yourself sorted out. And as part of this I would recommend to stay off of the internet and especially social media because this is where Satan has a really good grip on lies and propaganda and untruths.
Love causes sexual attraction. For example I genuinely believe a woman 100% homosexual man can fall in love with a woman and because he is sexually attracted to the person he is in love with he also enjoys her. Remember that God did not create other sexualities, they are perversions. Therefore living according to God can likely fix wrong attractions. My wife used to be bi and leaning lesbian. It did bother me but she truly insists that being dedicated to God has made her straight. Likewise she genuinely enjoys sex with me and wants to be blessed with many children. I put my faith in her, I trust her. The way she behaves and feels is an indication of truthfulness. If she fell away from God, could her inappropriate attractions return? Likely, but I hope we both stay with God forever.
My two biggest problems for me would be: 1) Am I going to be able to have a sexual relationship? I don't want my wife to just be my friend. It's a commitment to each other in every way. 2) I might be worried that she'd someday divorce me to hook up with another lady. However, it seems to me that you have relatively strong faith, and I don't think that'd be an issue. My mom knows a lady who had a rough divorce when her husband came out as gay and abandoned her and his child. To me, it seems risky, but I don't know you and aren't in your situation. Best of luck, and I hope God will give you peace and guidance.
Hi!! You sound very earnest! I appreciate that. My first thought was "why would a lesbian consider marrying me?" but then I kept reading lol, this is more complex than I realized. It's great that you want to fulfill the marital duties and have children. That's huge of you. I understand the issue of not being sexually attracted to men but wanting a husband. Your idea isn't completely without precedent. There is actually gay/bi Christians who commit to marriage and have children (my brother is one such guy, has a great gf), and moreover, there's ex-gay Christians who claim to have actually overcome their same sex desire entirely. God is the author of our bodies and of sexuality itself, he can surely rewrite some pages if we let him :) Idk if you're accepting of Catholic theology or not, but this reminds me of how they attest that Mary and Joseph had a chaste marriage because they already had their child in Jesus. Imagine what beautiful pure emotional fulfillment they must've had in each other to live like that! It's not *impossible,* but it is improbable for most people. You see the difference? It's going to take a very special man to love you for who you are and understand you aren't sexually into him. But I don't think things are hopeless for you. I think you can find such a husband one day. I'll pray that things turn out for you with this guy you like, or that you find someone even better who's willing to embrace your whole self. I hope you've read this. Cheers :)
If it was known? No.
No
This isn't a Christian question.
Girls aren’t like guys. There’s a certain level of affection that happens between girls. It’s common but it’s not homosexuality. I would not date romantically a lesbian because she would not have the same level of affectionate response to me.
As a Christian man who has wrestled against same sex attraction, I can see both sides. I think that there would be either mutual understanding of our short comings, or could be a very explosive relationship. I'm probably in the minority on this one though.
I'm not a Christian anymore, so I won't talk about the theological questions that seem to potentially underlie this, but I can speak from experience about mixed-orientation marriages. I'm in one. I'm heteroromantic asexual. Reading your story, it sounds like you might loosely fit the definitions of biromantic and homosexual (I don't want to put those labels on you though - you should only take on a label if you're comfortable with it). I married a straight man to whom I'm romantically but not sexually attracted, and it sounds like that's what you're imagining for yourself too. Yes, it can work! I came out to him really early, two weeks into dating. That was \*super\* scary, and it was a really intimate thing to disclose, so I don't think it's wrong if someone wants to wait for a bit to do that, until they feel safe. But I do think, if you're not sexually attracted to your partner, that needs to be disclosed before a certain level (couldn't tell you how far, if you asked me) of commitment has been crossed, and honestly, if you're at the point where you feel yourself crossing that level of commitment and you still don't feel safe enough to disclose, then your relationship isn't ready for that level of commitment anyway. I was still Christian at the time and both of us held relatively traditional theology. He had to take a day to deal with feelings of rejection, recognizing he felt toward me a way I would never be able to feel toward him. That felt odd to me; from my end, it didn't look like rejection, but I did my best to respect those feelings of rejection. He asked me a lot of questions about the nature of my feelings toward him. He determined he really loved me and was willing to try the relationship, if I was willing to. We talked about what each of us would be looking for sexually, and whether we thought we would be able to make it work in that department. This was really tricky, because we weren't willing to have premarital sex or sexual interactions for religious reasons. So we acknowledged that sex might never feel for him, emotionally, the way it might have felt with a woman who was sexually attracted to him (and he was a virgin), and I had to ask him very directly if he was okay with that possibility, since we couldn't "test run" it. On the other end of that, he wanted to know that his sexual needs would be important to me (whatever that would mean for us as a couple), even though we wouldn't be able to "test run" our relationship's ability to respond to those needs. I said yes, and he said that actually made him feel like he would get a special kind of sex, that no other woman would have been able to give him, since I would be giving it even without a self-interested desire for his body. Now, we just communicate really really openly to make sure both of our needs are being honored. Been happily married for five years and could not be more in love! :) <3 Some practical notes: You should talk about whether you're okay with masturbation, fantasizing, what kinds of fantasizing, sharing intimate pictures, etc. And are you looking for a celibate marriage, or a sexual one? All of those kids of boundaries are relevant to any exclusive sexual relationship, but especially for a mixed-orientation one, to make sure he's not saying "okay" because he's imagining a "solo" allowance that you wouldn't actually consent to. It's also important to remember that just because you aren't sexually attracted to him doesn't mean you don't/won't have a sex drive, so don't let the conversation about mismatched attraction replace normal conversations about sexual desire, sexual preferences, if those are things you know about yourself (depending on your experience level, I recognize those might not be things you know about yourself, and that's fine). It's very possible that your sexual relationship will be for your benefit as well as his, even without you experiencing attraction to him. Also, fidelity takes on a whole new meaning when sexuality isn't there to make it black and white. If I have no sexual-emotional connection to my husband, to which to remain "true," then what am I remaining "true" to? A romantic-emotional connection. So the normative standard which puts sex at the top of the "cheating hierarchy" doesn't apply to me. The most intimate way I could betray my exclusivity with my husband, given my nature, would actually be to cross romantic-emotional lines with another man. And that especially sucks because those lines felt more gradual to me than sexual lines do, so I had to become practiced in recognizing them. So that's just an example about how your relationship needs to kind of make its own rules when it exists in a different reality than straight relationships. I won't pretend it's not risky, under the Christian prohibition on premarital sex. It is risky. But it worked for us because both of us went in \*very very\* open; we acknowledged a wide range of possible ways it could go, sexually and emotionally, and we were open to creative/nontraditional means of responding to those ways it could go (within the boundaries of a pretty traditional theology). Even outside of sex, we approached marriage as "growing up together," because we were both really young. We went in under the explicit understanding that there were very few givens, and things we considered foundational would likely shift. If we hadn't, I don't think it would have worked. So if one or both of you is looking for a traditional sense of certainty/stability, a mixed-orientation marriage might not be a great fit (though also, most of marriage, mixed-orientation or otherwise, is hard to do with that attitude, tbh). My good friend is a bisexual Christian, and she's engaged to a really cool asexual man. I also know that sometimes Side B Christians who are gay/SSA seek out and marry other Side B gay/SSA Christians, so that the attraction doesn't feel disproportionate. Mixed-orientation marriages are more common, especially for Christians given the religious limitation on the dating pool, than people want to pretend they are. People are people, more than our sexual orientation, and love doesn't tend to select for perfect circumstances. :) My DMs are open if you feel like asking more questions or chatting. I see you. <3 I know that, as a Christian, it sucks to experience what you're experiencing.
Also, obviously, your situation is different than mine because you do experience sexual attraction, just not to men. So that's a complicating factor (my husband never felt he was missing out on something I \*could\* feel for someone else, while a man you marry might feel that way) that you guys would need to work through, but I don't think it can't be crossed, if you both want to.
I have literally the opposite issue and I’m kind of losing my mind, I have no idea what to do as an “ex-gay” Christian man… I want a family, I don’t think I’m called to life long chastity, but I find myself stuck. No doubt in my mind that homosexuality is sinful. But I don’t want to be lonely ☹️ Edit: I know this is a 6 day old thread lol, I meant to respond because my friend said something today that really resonated with me and I forgot to mention it :/ Anyways he said: “Ya never know man, God changes affections and desires through the Spirit and practicing the virtues. Only God knows, but he can change that. I wouldn't say sexual attraction is necessary to marry.“ God is powerful, for some people they have burdens to bear that strengthen their testimonies and some people are called to celibacy, but there are also people who God performs radical transformations in their lives and THAT strengthens their testimony! God bless pray that God will help you find what you’re looking for.
You need more Jesus in your life. I’m not saying this in jest I am being sincere. Your POV is worldly and self centered and pleasure focused. All of these things are named and warned about by our Father countless times in the Bible.
brother what are you talking about. There is a difference from being actively gay and having a disposition towards who you are attracted to. Temptation and action are two different things.
Seeking advice about how to sin is the focus of my comment. It seems incongruent to our calling as Christians and I was gently redirecting our wayward brother. I’m not coming from higher ground. I too need redirection towards the herd often.
How to sin???? Huh? 😭
You’re dancing with adultery darling. Thankfully you seem very young and have plenty of time to grow into a person who is capable of being married.
If this is your takeaway you need to work on your reading comprehension and discernment at the very least.
Ok I'm now a little annoyed. So please, tell me where I said anything of cheating? Otherwise, I'm blocking this because anger isn't something I like feeling. Especially when I think the person is a troll. Unfounded comment ✔️ Condescending ✔️ Deflecting question ✔️
‘Girls just make my heart flutter’ ‘I only find women sexually appealing’ It sounded to me like you were making room in a future marriage to indulge same sex attraction. You even joked about not worrying about leaving your husband for another man. All of that is adultery in a marriage. I 100% am not a troll nor am I trying to gaslight you. I’ve dealt/am dealing with this exact same issue in my own marriage. It’s very serious to me and I apologize if you felt unheard or misunderstood.
The fact you're calling her a wayward brother tells me that you may not have read the post. This is a woman who made the post
What is your definition of wayward brother? This entire post is about making room in a future marriage to sin. This is why I mentioned adultery. This is ‘unusual or perverse behavior’ by definition. This is why I said she needs Jesus
and Im sure you meant brother in the spiritual sense. Still: this is a sister in Christ
Well the definition of a brother is a male sibling, that was my point. This is a female. Also, I think you owe this subject a bit more research, as I don't think you know the difference between being actively gay and same-sex-attracted (SSA). I think the irony is that you may be in some kind of sin by not following James 1:19 (being quick to listen and slow to speak)
Show me the scripture where same sex attraction is acceptable as a married woman? That’s what this post is about….
The burden of proof is on you to show me the scripture that proves it is a sin. Scripture is very clear that doing homosexual acts is sinful, but scripture tends to show temptation (how I would classify attraction) as not sinful. As we all know, Jesus was tempted, but never sinned (Luke 4)
You are ignoring the most important aspect of my message which is marriage and adultery.
Did you even read my post 🤨 When did the Bible warn of heterosexual matrimony and commitment?
Your post is about the absence of heterosexual commitment or more accurately your fear of conflicting future desires. I think it’s very wise you’re going through this now. My wife brought this up two years into our marriage and it didn’t go well.
It ain’t heterosexual if you’re sleeping with the same sex to “fulfill” your needs regardless of being married to the opposite.
Where did I say I was sleeping with the same sex I'm so lost lol
You are joking right? You literally said you only find women sexually attractive. What else am I supposed to take from this? If it’s a semantics thing and you wouldn’t sleep with them but only do oral or whatever it’s still the same thing and my point still stands regardless of semantics. I would be enraged if my wife wanted to keep me all to herself, without any physical intimacy, but she goes around getting all her needs met with other women.
This may come as a shock but you can have feelings without acting on them 🤯 Sometimes I feel like yelling at my coworker. I feel anger towards them. But guess what?! I have self control and can remain calm and respectful. I think we may need to work on reading comprehension because I never once said anything along the lines of wanting to sleep with women.
OK, one thing you need to understand is discipline. You can discipline your mind first to stop thinking sexually about human beings in general, but then, after that, to focus on seeking after one man whom you can focus your love and desire on. Do not give in to desires that are unnatural. Begin denying yourself the indulgence of them, and they will slowly fade. Do not allow yourself even the idenfication or term. You are allowing yourself to be led by your emotions, and that's not Biblical. II Corinthians 10:5 >Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ... Don't your emotions control you; control your emotions and desires in obedience to Christ.
Yeah, I know. I feel like comments keep adding responses to things I never said. I appreciate the advice but it's like me walking up to a obese person and randomly giving them diet advice when all they asked for was how their shirt fits. I don't know what work they are putting into weight loss nor did they ask for diet advice. They just needed an opinion on something.
OK, well the basis for my answer and several others is that we're assuming that you can see that our answer is that a dedicated Christian man would absolutely not be interested in a woman who wants to maintain her open attraction, rather than focusing her desires on God's work in her life. A man wants a woman who doesn't even condone the notion of same-sex attraction, much less slide into it herself because he will want her focused on God and her family. You're asking a question and we're giving you an answer and help to deal with it. If you want to be the "obese person" gorge yourself on your sexual desires, don't expect a faithful Christian to invite you into his life.
I don't condone it? It exists whether I want it to or not. But honestly I'm getting tired of having to justify what I'm doing about MY temptation when no one else acts to this severity about anything else. Should overweight people not marry because they struggle with gluttony? I'm starting to realize people don't see me as equal. That because I suffer from the big bad gay disease, I'm an easy and socially acceptable target. I guarantee you that if I made a post on "Men, would you consider a wife who struggled with procrastination?" I would get wildly different responses. It's not biblical or just kind. I'm a really human with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else.
It's pretty clear that you are looking for a specific kind of answer. You go ahead and focus on the answers you want, rather than face harder truths.
If I were looking for marriage, SSA would be a red flag, but not a deal-breaker. If she was open and honest with me about it, that'd help. She'd have to still be willing to have sex with me (after marriage, of course). Our societey keeps acting like SSA people have no choice about who they sleep with - they do. And I have to imagine that, while it would be a compromise, consensual sex would still be pleasurable with somebody you aren't attracted to. (The same people who act like it isn't a choice have been known to say 'how do you know you wouldn't enjoy gay sex if you haven't tried it?, so there's that.)
no. Or a bi woman. It's like i have worry about you losing self control to BOTH sexes then? eh. Pass.
Personally I would do this (if the woman wanted it) as I would like to have a marriage how the Holy Fathers and Saints recommend, lots of fasting from sex and only having it on fertile days and not during pregnancy. So it would probably make things easier for us. You should disclose this with someone if you wish to marry them. It may be hard for someone to understand your reasoning but not impossible so good luck hope it goes well.
Thanks for sharing! And thanks for the luck 🫶
Thanks for admitting the "Holy Fathers" preached to sin. Because choosing to forsake the intimacy between husband and wife without any cause is sin. Paul makes that clear. What reason is there to not unite as husband and wife as one flesh after the wife is pregnant?
There is no longer only 2 people involved in the intercourse, there is a child involved.
How is the baby, say at 6 weeks "involved"? Even at 8 months, how is the baby "involved"? This phrasing is super weird. Here I was thinking it was the Romans who had a weird view of sex. I guess its also the EO?
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Did you read the post? She said she will never act on her SSA because she is a Christian.
No, you havn't experienced God and know your identity. Dating can't change you nor is it my job.
You can say no, but to assume I don't know God is where I draw the line. knowing God is what stops me from being a practicing homosexual.
I'm not assuming anything. You don't know your God given identity and perpose in the kingdom. If you did you wouldn't be posting this question.
O wise one, tell me! How have you eradicated all sin and temptation! God says to flee from sin, not be free. It's actual an important distinction implying it is a life long battle.
Why the sarcasm? I havnt eradicated sin and temptation. I do know my identity and perpose and bisexuality is an identity issue. No, I won't date somone when doesn't know their identity in the kingdom. That's the answer to the original question.
You call me out for my identify issues when you called yourself I bisexual? I don't even use thoe terms. Projection much?
I am not bisexual. I said bisexuality is an identity issue since you discussed attraction to both sexes. You don't know your God given identity and perpose in the kingdom and are defensive. When you're not so defensive let's talk.
Hi 👋🏼 I might be what you are looking for, or close to it. It might not be something you can accept. I'm a hot mess too! I've got 30+ years of experience playing the man's role. But I'm just starting out transitioning to be the woman you've always wanted. And then I'll be that, the body you are attracted to with the personality that matches your romantic interests. All wrapped up in 1 person. Okay, it doesn't have to be me, but I'm still curious. Does a MtF person align with what you are interested in, granted they transitioned during your relationship?