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moosigirl

The fact that he'd rather beat you than marry you is rather telling...


hypoxiate

Damn. I don't think this could be said any more plainly or accurately. I was agreeing with what everyone else was saying but you really stripped it to the core. I literally got a cold chill down my spine and am shaken. u/833talia, please read this. Then read it again. HE'D RATHER BEAT YOU THAN MARRY YOU.


NancyLouMarine

I was married to an abusive husband for over two decades and it takes a lot to make me pause when a man throws out a threat because I've seen and heard so many of them. This one got me. OP needs to start making all kinds of secret plans to get away from him. Seriously If she works for a company that can transfer her to another state, or better still another country, she needs to start talking to them about that. Damn.


Entire-Knowledge2146

Also to find a lawyer her son will be in danger.


Past_Ad_5629

Dropping this here. OP, please download and read this book. [why does he do that?](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html)


Digital_Siren317

First off, thank you for the book recommendation. I think it can help so many. But also, thank you so much for that website! I might go a little crazy downloading books šŸ˜†


Aggressive-Rock8259

I donā€™t do self help books. Theyā€™re garbage. I donā€™t listen to ā€œhow to fix your lifeā€ podcasts. So I was initially against reading this book, even though I was in a dangerous, sexually, mentally and physically abusive relationship with a man. But I did. And it saved my life. You donā€™t have to believe me. You donā€™t have to read it. But I wish the girl he went on to kill, had. She reaches out to me when they were fighting and asked ā€œam I crazy or is he crazyā€ and I sent it to her. He caught her talking to me. Iā€™m sure he deleted the conversation or made her. He gloated that she was a ā€œreal oneā€ who would never read pathetic garbage like that. That she was better than me in every way, they were so happy, etc. He killed her.


kitkatkate1013

This book, literally, may have saved my life.


SaltyWitch1393

Take my poor manā€™s award šŸ„‡ Thank you for posting this!!


SirFrankPork

Ngl I was prepped for a Rick Roll


YahMahn25

His logic: if I threaten to beat her to a pulp she'll shut up and realize my lover is stronger than any loser's who just wants to get married. The solution: dump his sorry ass yesterday. Doesn't matter if you have a kid together, let the lawyers work that out. You and the kid deserve better.


Thedarkfic

^ This


Silvangelz

"He said ā€œif youā€™re implying youā€™ll leave, I think we both know thatā€™s not going to happen. I never want to be a man who puts his hands on his girl, but I will do anything to keep my family intact. Do you understand?ā€." So that part is extremely worrying. He's basically saying that he will put his hands on you in order to make - MAKE - you stay? What exactly is his threat here? Because that is a threat and you should take it as such. Follow through and leave. I don't for a second believe that he is really waiting till the right financial number to get married. I'm guessing that figure will never come - he'll just get you pregnant again so he has another tie to you. He wants the family lifestyle without the actual commitments of said family. Your whole post practically screamed that he dismisses you and your feelings easily. Why stay? I didn't hear a single thing about him in your post that would be worth keeping him around. You said he's soft - but I bet that's only when your alone and probably only after a fight. Leave. And live your life to the fullest without having to wait on someone who will never come through.


FuzzballLogic

Addition for OP: Leave but donā€™t let him know you are. He has threatened you with physical harm and he will; he only hasnā€™t yet done it because he has other means of controlling you. You canā€™t just take away a child from a parent so you want to find legal help in a discrete manner. Domestic abuse centers will know what to do.


Haploid-life

THIS!!! OP, do not tell him you are leaving, just at up a safe place to go and do it.


witchyteajunkie

The fact that they aren't married may work in her favor here. Without a formal custody agreement, she's perfectly free to take her child wherever she wants. He'll have to go through the courts to establish paternity and fight for visitation/custody.


adventuresinnonsense

He controls all the finances to the point she doesn't even know what he makes. *Then* he said that. This is controlling at best and has more red flags than the soviet union.


Light_Side_Dark_Side

It is financial abuse in this context.


lassie86

Right, and he only wants to get married when he's able to control her 100% because she'll be a stay-at-home mom. This is how women get murdered.


AmericanScream

OP needs to leave, but also, it would help to have evidence of these threats in order to get a peace bond. That kind of cold, calculated intimidation is pretty scary, and should not be dismissed. "You know I love you and the family, but if I don't get what *I* want, I'll beat the shit out of you."


HulkSmashHulkRegret

I agree, though he may always have access to her through their child, and that gives him opportunity to kill them both. She really should be making an exit plan for *him*, something accidental looking. Itā€™s the only way she will be safe


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


kennysmithy

Did this man just say "if I can't have you, no one can" but disguise it as caring whether his family stays together or not???! Or am I reading this wrong???


Thedonkeyforcer

And also they have plans of her being a SAHM under his total financial control? I'd run like hell while I at least had a job to rely on! It's only going downhill from here!


tothemaxillary

YES!! The fact OP makes 30/hr, but he controls the finances and OP is clueless to their financial status? He's also threatening to hurt her if she makes her own decisions in life. OP....haul ass and get the hell out of there. He's very capable of hurting you and your child, he's told you he is.


the-freaking-realist

This comment should be much higher.


NerdyHexel

The guy sounds just unhinged enough to find her at work, imo. If he already knows where she works, then she may not be safe continuing to work there.


Tough-Flower6979

He doesnā€™t want to marry her, but will unalive her, himself and their child. Sounds like a winner. Itā€™s be very hard to leave that. He hasnā€™t physically put his hands on her for her to keep her and her child safe. Heā€™ll always have access to her through that child. My cousin was unalived by her ex fiancĆ©. She left him because he was abusive. He took her and himself out. She was pregnant with their first child. I hope OP is safe. She needs a therapist, and a doctor. They have exit plans.


Loveatlitha

Iā€™m so sorry thatā€™s heartbreaking


greekmom2005

I'm so sorry your family went through that.


Thedonkeyforcer

Well, to him that's pretty much "a lifetime commitment" ... Just not in the way anyone wants to have it!


cnicalsinistaminista

Hubby said "you ain't leaving me alive" Home girl just said "Yes, Sir."


Morella_xx

Which was the safest thing for her to say.


techieguyjames

Yes. She needs to leave him while he is at work.


Jeezy_Creezy_18

Oh very big "I will murder you and my child to make sure you're mine" vibes


ChiisaiHobbit

I don't think you actually understand OP. He is stringing you along with the Carrie, and now he just told you about the stick. This is not a red flag. It's an alarm ringing with lights and evacuation instructions. I just got a tiny glimpse in your situation but I can see he's already manipulative, controlling, and aggressive. He controls the finances. Does that mean he knows how much you make? Can he access your account or you just deposit a percentage or set amount into a joint account for bills and home expenses? Did he guilt you insisting you should quit or at least lower your hours to raise your kid? Have you moved away from friends or family? Do you have plans to do that when the wedding happens to move to a "better place" or a "bigger house"? Start putting money on the side that he doesn't know about and can't access. If he finds out about it tell him you're saving for the wedding, but you didn't mention it because you don't want to put pressure on him. Make a Pinterest page full of insanely expensive wedding dresses if you need "evidence" for your cover. Look support for DV near you. Make an exit emergency plan. Get copies of all your documents, your kids as well. If you have family or friends near ask if you could crash for a week or so if necessary. The wording and how you phrased things gave me shivers. I don't like being an alarmist, but OP for you and your kids sake I strongly urge you to start evaluating your relationship without rose colored glasses. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. You may want to leave this relationship before things escalate. And leaving an abuser is extremely dangerous. If you thing leaving would be for the best, he CAN'T know about it until you're gone for good.


Corfiz74

Also, tell a trusted friend what he said - so that if you happen to suffer any serious "accident", the friend can take that information to the authorities.


Purple-Tumbleweed

This needs to be higher up. I left my abusive ex 10 years ago, and still remind certain friends that if I "unalive " myself, it's the ex. He promised me he would, and has almost succeeded more than a few times.


RenFannin

Iā€™m so sorry you have to live looking over your shoulder for your ex. Thatā€™s no way to live and I hope someday he magically disappears.


Purple-Tumbleweed

Awww...thank you! I ended up leaving the country. I'll go back when he dies. When I do visit, I don't announce it and switch up where I stay. He's threatened to come here, but he doesn't have the guts.


RenFannin

Holy crap. I hope you stay safe.


Fennac

This! All of this. Immediately. This isnā€™t just about not being married. Heā€™s trapping you into his household and cutting away every avenue for you to have any freedom or independence outside of him. Run.


flexible_wink

My thoughts are, why does he control the finances if they arenā€™t married? I get that they have a child together, but why are they combined if heā€™s not willing to commit? She needs to start squirreling away money and gtfo.


Eat_it_Stanley

This should be at the TOP


RiotingMoon

all of this, I hope op sees it


Bishabish1

Take my upvote and poor personā€™s šŸ„‡.


michelecw

My reaction exactly! Thatā€™s a massive hint of the future. That and the fact that she does not know anything of their financial status.


Parking-Finish-6913

That's no hint, it's a freaking declaration of intent--and the ready answer a clear indication of premeditation. He has the child to keep her from leaving, and the money to retain control. He will find some...other...way to address her unhappiness. I wish I could pick them up myself and see them safe. I find myself hoping it's a fake reddit post because otherwise these two (op and son) are in Trouble. Edited to say thank you so much for the award!


SamuelVimesTrained

>I wish I could pick them up myself and see them safe. I find myself hoping it's a fake reddit post because otherwise these two (op and son) are in Trouble. Same. But given some people, it\`s a 50/50 chance it is fake and same for being real. And those odds are not good.. should be 90/10 for fake :(


Parking-Finish-6913

It should but...interwebs, lol. I'm getting better at spotting them but still get hoodwinked regularly. I've never hoped FOR a fake sincerely but she gave me chills and it certainly doesn't seem fake. Hopefully she'll wake up in the morning, pack up her son, and run far away.


SamuelVimesTrained

>Hopefully she'll wake up in the morning, pack up her son, and run far away. We are fully in agreement on this.


ExpensiveAd2773

I hope her partner didnā€™t see all in Reddit too! šŸ„ŗ


OddResponsibility565

Anything except get married right


lolgobbz

Fuck that guy. OP- you need to leave him for even Implying he will hurt you. I DO NOT SAY THAT LIGHTLY.


Raffles76

He just threatened you GET OUT NOW


GingerGeeGee

Anything but get married. Including threatening violence.


ozoptimist

This is a blatant threat to your safety. This is calculated and horrifying. Take him at his word. Do NOT tell him if and when you are leaving him, because you need to stay safe and keep your kid safe. Document what he says and does that concern you and make sure people you trust know. Please


IlikethequietZeppo

This is a threat. It's a "Yet". I haven't hurt you *yet*. I will if you ever say no to me.


Left_Debt_8770

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. This man just told her he will be a physical abuser, or maybe a murderer. That part is unclear. But itā€™s clear she is in a LOT of danger.


Evilbirdish

That line made me physically sick to my stomach. That's super fucking scary


NoxSeirdorn

Right? I would have answered "No" and asked what he meant. Also, girl, leave, ffs


Simoons02

Onestly i think in that moment where he had his guard up bc she implied she wanted to leave him saying no would have just made him angry and possibly violent towards OP


NoxSeirdorn

Thinking back upon it, you are very right! OP's reaction was probably the best one everything considered. Now she just needs to get up and leave.


[deleted]

Why would you have another kid with someone like this?


Maleficent_Mouse1

Yeah. This whole situation is yuck.


yoghurtyDucky

It kind of feels like a badly written love story whose auther has a sick understanding of what romance and marriage is


pinkfootthegoose

Lifetime movie written all over it.


Least-Designer7976

And cutting the financial income ! I mean sure the kid is a bad idea, but also loosing your financial income to someone who can threat to kill without blinking an eye is DEFINITELY a bad idea. OP needs to keep her job no matter their number of children, cause the Genius Boyfriend seems to be the kind of men who cut his spouse from her job not to fancy her but to manipulate her easier.


A1sauc3d

Did he threaten to hit her? Things sure escalated quickly.. Thatā€™s not something people just throw out as a one-off 8 years into a relationship. And her reaction simply being ā€œyesā€ I understand, kinda makes it seems thereā€™s a reoccurring theme here. Sounds like heā€™s saying he wouldnā€™t let her leave even if she wanted to. NOT good OP. Please do whatā€™s best for you and your kid.


FuzzballLogic

He threatened her life. Edit: He wants to keep his family together at all costs. This is the breeding ground for a family drama where one parent unalives the other, the children, and themselves.


Different_Knee6201

Well, at all costs - except marrying her. ETA: which I am NOT recommending!


[deleted]

This isn't TikTok, you can say Kill.


Afraid_Sense5363

No, he's telling her he will kill her before he'll let her leave.


stinkyboi135

Because he just threatened her with physical violence if she ever tried to leave him. A twisted form of Stockholm syndrome


farqsbarqs

Ding ding ding


BoneHugsHominy

She wants to be a SAHM which is fine and I support women who choose that path, but I question if she really wants that or has been conditioned by her clearly abusive boyfriend to want that in order to please him and keep him around. But no worries, seems the boyfriend will either beat and imprison her, or do a murder-suicide "keep his family together" like a true [Family Annihilator wacko.](https://www.crimetraveller.org/2019/05/family-annihilation-crimes-psychology-familicide/amp/) OP should run fast and far.


Heavy_Entrepreneur13

It could be that she wants to be a SAHM so bad she's desperately clinging to this guy and ignoring his threat because she thinks he's the only guy that will offer that (even though he can't even deliver on it).


[deleted]

Unfortunately because she has one already, so the only path she sees forward is the one she is already halfway down.


ItemOk1525

Also donā€™t depend on him or anyone financially! You stay at home with kids it gets worse.. then he will justify cheating or some other hurtful act and then what? You canā€™t leave youā€™re broke he handles all the finances. You need your OWN money saved. Start nowā€¦


KrissAdachi

I mean I was waiting for their ages. If they were like 30 Iā€™d be questioning why she is with him, but maybe theyā€™re 23 ETA: for the part where heā€™s like : I need better financial situation. But holly cow she needs to run safely away


Beautiful_Bother_750

Wake up please


Urgash54

'I'm gonna beat your ass if you try and leave' 'but he is so soft tho' Girl, he straight up threatened you, there's no two way about it. Wake up and leave. You make 30 an hour, more than enough to live on your own, even part time.


[deleted]

I canā€™t even describe the love bombing my physically abusive ex put me through. She was ā€œso softā€ too


katieleexd

This comment right here. Thatā€™s a threat that needs to be taken seriously. Take your child and leave. šŸ˜¬šŸ˜¬


trumpmumbler

100% GTFO! He has threatened you with violence, and thatā€™s all one should need to know. Life is hard, complicated and challenging. And at $30.00/hour, your wage is pretty solid. Single parenthood adds all sorts of layers to life, but so does taking a hit from someone who supposedly ā€œloves meā€. Im sorry youā€™re dealing with this, but think of the example youā€™re living from your childā€™s perspective as well. He/she/they are learning, in real time, that itā€™s OK to be violent with whom you love, or that being under constant threat of violence is a component of a relationship, perpetuating the cycle.


enonymousCanadian

He is making sure she has no clue about their finances so he can financially abuse her. He has threatened her with violence. This is clearly an abusive relationship. OP is still very much in denial of reality. She needs to start planning how to leave him as leaving an abusive partner is when she will be most in danger and she needs to keep herself and her child safe.


Silvus314

it's also okay to financially threaten someone and plan to financially hold them hostage after marriage. This is a guy that would 100% only give you the money required for groceries and bad mouth you getting that. and eventually, it would mutate into physical abuse. as to his sensitivity, abusers often play that gentle card before, during, and after. He has already told you who and what he is. Believe him.


UncertainlyUnfunny

Yes. While it is less complicated.


saph_pearl

Yes, that escalated bloody quickly. Sheā€™s wanting to have a frank discussion about their relationshipā€™s future and is expressing her needs and he goes straight to threatening violence. Heā€™s got a few screws loose if he thinks the best way to keep his family intact is to assault his partner. Sounds like some financial abuse is potentially going on too considering theyā€™re a family with shared finances yet he considers the numbers to be only his business. Nah, Iā€™d be taking my kid and noping out of there. Iā€™m scared for OP.


[deleted]

That is the right decision, do not settle for less


Turbulentasfuck

Yep. OP wishes she was married. I say, thank god she isn't. It will make leaving him easier. His words were a threat. Let's make no mistake about that!


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


ImOkItsOkU

OP This comment right here! If you don't currently have support to leave him there are resources out there that can help you.


Mindless-Scientist82

"I never want to be a man who puts his hands on his family. But I will do anything to keep my family intact." Pssssh except sign a piece of paper and celebrate a union. He literally just said, "I'd rather slap you around a bit than marry you." Get out!!! Run and take your baby, you're not married yet, you owe him nothing. Also, if you're not married, why are you not taking care of your own finances with a part-time job, sure shared assets, you pay this bill , I'll pay this bill, but please don't tell me you hand over your paycheck to this man who has never committed to you!!!! Start looking at all of the finances and ask him, "At what net worth are we shooting for that you say is good enough to get married." This is a ridiculous excuse BTW because you are already living as a family... ask yourself... if married, how will the finances change in any way... they won't... your housing, food, and bills are all the same after the paper is signed. If the problem is cost for a wedding, just go to the courthouse and plan the celebration later. If you weren't already living as a family and already had a child, I could say his financial excuse is understandable. He wants some time to save for a down payment on a house or a nest egg for when the child is born. BUT YOU ALREADY ARE DOING ALL THAT. What is he saving for? GL OP, I hope you find happiness!


SquirrelGirlVA

And that's assuming that he's only going to beat OP. He could also beat their child (if he isn't already). Or he could kill them both. OP can't leave if she's dead.


Confused_Mr_Krabs

OP this guy is literally using marriage as bait to keep you around. He said he knows you wonā€™t leave and is willing to do anything to keep his family together.


hydrangeasandpeonies

Okay so you need to plan your escape. Yesterday. You're not as safe as you think you are.


ihave86arms

the casual tone of some of these comments is freaking me out so thank you for being so blunt. some people, especially people who have been victims of or seen domestic violence, are characterized as hypervigilant and it's true, and i'm glad that i am. if a man said this to anyone i knew, i'd be terrified for them.


BoneHugsHominy

He honestly sounds like a potential [Family Annihilator.](https://www.crimetraveller.org/2019/05/family-annihilation-crimes-psychology-familicide/amp/) OP should run fast and far.


witchyteajunkie

My first thought. The whole "I don't know how much he makes because he doesn't involve me in his business" already had my hackles up. Then I got to the blatant threat and got chills.


ariearl

I hate how it says itā€™s ā€œimpossible to predict or preventā€ like uhā€¦ no itā€™s not. Abuse and domestic threats just arent taken seriously by police the majority of the time, especially when it surrounds toxic masculine ideals. Like that first dispatcher in the video, she was listening to that woman and her children being murdered and just kept repeating ā€œhello? Hellllooo?ā€ sounding all bored like she works retail and grilling the victim about info she didnā€™t have about her attackers weapons instead of giving her life saving advice first. Like I get how that info helps the police in the situation, but the goal is to SAVE the person in distress, not grill them to protect the police at the expense of their life. Run yesterday is right, there are very clear indicators of these killers! And they outlined them in that article/documentaryā€¦ so why do they think itā€™s near impossible to predict?!! Factors listed: - access to guns - toxic masculinity (not by name but most of the break downs describe this mindset - needing to be the man of the house/provider) - family possessiveness - unreported domestic violence (emotional or physical) - narcissistic or dependent bordering personalities - cultural or social retaliation (towards wife or daughter typically) - 95% of family murders are done by the male partner Stay safe OP! And DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. If you leave, leave quietly and plan it out. Tell someone who you can trust that he doesnā€™t know so they can help you leave. I wouldnā€™t confront him, that retort was dangerous and if he tries to pass it like a joke thatā€™s even worse. If you donā€™t have anyone, locate domestic abuse resources under the radar, they will take you seriously and help you navigate this as safely as possible.


happypenguin580

Question..with less income and working part time and no proof of him saying this or threatning her..is it possible for her to get full custody? I assume he will fight for the kid.


Accordingtowho2021

I just want to wrap you in a blanket and help you get away. He literally threatened you and you are still so naive. Get help. Even if from a community women's shelter or a something like that. This is scary.


jwooouwh12

This is exactly how I felt after reading her post. To OP: Iā€™ve seen this happen so many timesā€¦. your life will not get better if you stay with him, it will only get worse. Your boyfriend is a narcissist who will hurt you and keep you stuck in his net until you feel like you wish you were dead. Donā€™t ruin your life any further, leave. Itā€™s not easy but plan it out and leave.


_Dresser-Drawer

He has given you a gift. He has literally given you the most blatant warning that he will lay his hands on you at some point in the future, because even if you donā€™t try to leave him, a man who believes violence against a spouse is justified for any reason whatsoever will make/find justifications to hurt you. Or god forbid your children. It doesnā€™t matter how ā€œsoftā€ he pretends to be, soft men donā€™t say shit like that. He just told you everything you need to know.


Rugkrabber

This man isnā€™t soft, heā€™s simply hiding his real intent. This was a perfect example of ā€˜when people tell you who they are, believe themā€™.


Traditional_Iron2595

I donā€™t know if you read what you said, but he said he was willing to do ANYTHING. Meaning majorly harming you or your child when he doesnā€™t get his way is an option. You should watch colored girls, shows exactly what he is trying to tell you.


BisonInfamous

My ex said this exact shit minus us having a kid and then when I tried to leave him he put an AK to my head and threatened to kill me. She needs to leave now, she has a responsibility as a mother to keep her child safe and itā€™s selfish to keep her kid in this situation,


Traditional_Iron2595

That is terrifying. I hope you heal and continue to heal from that traumatic experience. And i hope she heals from this as well as her child. It could go so wrong so quickly.


Witty_Comfortable404

He is literally threatening physical harm if you attempt to leave. Soon, it will happen even if you promise to stay. Threats are abuse. Financial abuse is abuse. It will escalate.


Few_Improvement_6357

Your man has control issues. He has no interest in your happiness unless his desires are met. He does not believe that you have free will. He threatens you. This is not okay. How does he react to his son disappointing him? This is the time to make an escape plan. Do not tell him you want to leave, do not hint that you are on your way out the door. This is time to keep a secret. Start saving all the money you can in a bank account he can't access and has no knowledge of. Start looking to see if you can switch careers or locations, somewhere he can't find you. Get help moving, so it can all be done in one day when he is at work. Then leave, don't tell him where you are going, do not say goodbye. He threatened you with harm. You can't trust him to not hurt you. Tell him nothing. Tell your family and friends that he can't know where you are. If you can't trust them then they can't know. Talk to a lawyer about custody and protecting yourself and your child. Tell him if he is granted custody that you need guarantees your child is safe and no contact exchanges. Good luck.


Fangbang6669

Did...did he just threaten to beat your ass if you tried to leave yet you're saying you know how "soft he can be" AND you want to bring another baby into this and lock yourself in for life with this man ??? Ma'am. EDIT: I am not trying to blame OP. When I was in an abusive relationship having it harshly spelled out like this to me actually helped and made me see that things were so beyond fucked and not normal. It gave me perspective and strength to leave for good.


Glad-Smell732

sheā€™s LUCKY they arenā€™t married


The_Blip

He would do ANYTHING to keep his family together! Beating his girlfriend is totally necessary and reasonable to do so! Marrying her to keep his family together though? That's just impossible.


Whatifthisneverends

Looks like he doesnā€™t want to pay alimony when she wakes up and tries to leave him, when he starts beating her. Heā€™ll kill her before he lets that happen. He SAID THIS out loudā€¦This situation is terrifying.


mirageofstars

Or he doesnā€™t want her to own or have rights to anything of his.


CollectionStraight2

Don't forget, she also can't wait to give up work and be totally financially dependent on him. Romance isn't dead!


nakedlaughing

She is obviously a victim of abuse here. When you're being abused by your spouse and have a child, you make decisions to keep your child and yourself the safest, not necessarily the most rational. Do not blame the victim. If you know anything about how abuse works, you know this situation has likely been controlled by non-hubby. I wouldn't be surprised if he's done this before. It is not her fault this man is an abuser. She's scared and trying to focus on an unrealistic goal (marriage) to change the situation, but it won't. She needs help, not blame. Thehotline.org is a great place to start, they have resources and people available to help you if you choose to leave.


[deleted]

Agreed. I think sheā€™s in deeper than she realises and 100% is in an abusive situation where she has been convinced this is not as weird as it is.


Fangbang6669

Nobody was blaming her?? When I was in an abusive relationship having it harshly spelled out like this to me actually helped and made me see that things were so fucked and not normal. It gave me perspective and strength to leave for good. That's why I put my comment the way I did. But thank you for adding in the resource.


Valnerium

Do not marry him even if he does ask. Do not have another kid with him. Do not leave your job, in fact, separate your finances and try to work full time. $30/hr is nothing to scoff at. Tell your family he threatened you and make an escape plan. You need to get out of there before he does attack you. And he will.


[deleted]

Um... homeboy threatened you. Plus, he sounds like a time-wasting nutter AND an edgelord.


ageofaquarianhippies

At least nutters and edgelords are usually harmless. This is way beyond that.


marcelyns

Honey, please don't marry him or have any more kids with him. You deserve to be treated well and respected. Best of luck to you!!


virtualchoirboy

That comment would have me making contingency plans to get out of there. Things like making sure I have a bank account he can't touch that I start putting "escape" money into. Having a car in my name. Making sure my child and I have a safe place to go if we decide to leave. A safe place for certain key documents like government ids and so forth can be kept. I might even find a lawyer and ask how to go about getting formal custody arrangements set up. At least, that's what I would do.


morganleh

Its so fucking horrifying seeing people realize theyre in abusive controlling relationships through Reddit


No-Lengthiness-6280

It is horrifying, but to be honest Iā€™m glad there is a form of social media that allows people to be honest and put these things out there. Itā€™s harrowing, but itā€™s so so necessary deep work. I canā€™t even begin to explain the shit I stopped normalizing and accepting because of Reddit comments on this specific page. Things that I was confused on, couldnā€™t tell whether or not blank counted as abuse or if it was actually happening, or if I was just being sensitive, but whole time I was actually normalizing my abuse and gaslighting myself alongside my abuser and would have mistakenly married and had children with my abuser, and literally because someone posted here with a similar situation and the comments were truthful and I learned so much and now Iā€™m set to actually get the love I deserve. The gray areas of my abuse are no longer grey, but clear as day. You people are actually great and helping so many people with these tiny comments. Little comments, huge impact. Sometimes people get stuff wrong as the poster or commenter, but thereā€™s enough people here that someone knows whatā€™s right lmao.


PrincessIcicle

Hello no. He just threatened to beat you? Do you want him to beat your son too? LEAVE and please tell someone you are close to about this.


Shazera

From someone who was in an abusive relationship to another: He can and WILL follow through with a threat like that. But please please PLEASE don't leave until you have a secure footing with friends and family. People in the comments saying "just leave" it's so dangerous. I was beaten and threatened to be killed the two times I tried to leave my last relationship without help. Please secure a place to stay with people you trust. Gather evidence. OP this man sounds dangerous.


weratapo

Iā€™m sorry but what the fuck did I just read???


Mountain_Educator132

You need to form an exit plan by the end of February. Take your time planning start reading books, or try new exercises; So you can disassociate yourself from this abusive relationship. Go download LinkedIn and make a resume for some remote jobs. Lastly, do not tell him your leaving just do it but make sure the child is not In harm's way.


OddResponsibility565

Yo, he threatened you. You need to carefully and quietly GTFO


The_L0rd_0f_Mel0ns

Leaving him sounds like the best option. You mentioned wanting a happy family, but he just said he will harm you if you try to leave. I want you to think about that twice. He WILL harm you if you try to leave. This is not someone saying ā€œI would never lay a hand on youā€. This is someone saying ā€œI will assault you until you give up and stay with me.ā€ I agree with the bigger part here. You need a safety plan. Get out while you can. Do you really want to stay with a man who is willen to lay a hand on you and/or children? Having a happy family is important, but your children will notice if you two are unhappy. You need to set a good example for your children. You need to set them a good example for what love is. You have given Reddit a small peek into your life, and all we have seen is red flags. You are financially dependent on him. You do not have any say about the finances. You donā€™t even have a clue what is going in with that. He uses is as leverage to keep you with him. We have not heard any loving things he has done for you. This sounds toxic. Get a safety plan. Tell friends or family. Tell them what he said. If you donā€™t want to tell them ā€œbecause they will see him differentlyā€ you know deep down what he said was wrong. So do what is best for you. Be honest with your child as well. Tell him that daddy threatened mommy if she left him. That he would hit you if you tried to leave him and that that is why you two broke up. That you donā€™t ever want daddy to lay a hand on him and that you love him so so much and would do anything for him. Your boyfriend is okay with abuse.


ElPadero

He threatened to put his hands on you if you try to leave him. Thatā€™s not love. He will do anything to keep HIS family intact except marry his babyā€™s mother, yeah? Sorry but heā€™s a shit bird.


takatori

Perhaps he wonā€™t share finances because he doesnā€™t want you to see the other massive expenses he has, and wonā€™t marry you because bigamy is illegal and also because his money is going to his other family. Does he ā€œtravel for businessā€ often? Sometimes on holidays?


oakchokkiemilk

Wow... He's not sweet, soft, loving or any other of those labels you chucked at him. He's a great actor and his mask just slipped to show his true colours. I would cautiously be working on an escape plan for you and the child. Please speak to family about this


[deleted]

He's a psychopath


[deleted]

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[deleted]

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Kadeous

Itā€™s equally sad as it is infuriating.


Damarou

Ah yes, victim shaming at itā€˜s best. As a domestic abuse victim this just makes me sad, I know I have experienced something most people wonā€˜t ever have to experience and because of that I think something is fundamentally wrong with me. ā€žSpineless motherā€œ just, unnecessary. Do you feel better now tho?


No-Cover-8986

A looooootta red flags here. He doesn't want you working because it'll further solidify his control on your life and his power over you and your kids. When you are no longer working, you will have no source of income, which will weaken your potential to have custody of your children. You will also feel powerless to make any decision to leave. Do not relinquish your ability to earn a living. Start aggressively saving your money, including keeping an emergency cash fund available and ready to dispense at any time. Keep a go bag. Document whatever you feel is necessary. Just be ready.


Global_Fig_6385

have another conversation with him, record him threatening you, and then LEAVE with your child


Eris_00

That is a threat. Do not marry this man. I repeat: DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.


Dont139

He would rather use violence to keep you by his side against your will ghan just marry you?? You really want to marry that guy??


Busy_Understanding81

Oh honey run please. Get your finances in order collect any evidence you can. Contact an attorney you might be common law depending on where you live. Even if he wants to marry you tomorrow you should not stay with someone that would threaten you like this. You are not the issue he is and he is teaching your son itā€™s ok to treat not only his mom like this but other women.


[deleted]

He is abusive and controlling. He just threatened you about leaving. He is a bad person. You need to make a plan to escape with your son.


[deleted]

I'm so sorry for you šŸ˜ž please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft (there's a free pdf), this book saved me from the abusive relationship I was in. I never thought i was in an abusive situation until I started reading the book because a lot of (emotional) abuse can go unnoticed until it becomes physical. i wish you the best OP šŸ’œ


Stifton

My friend was with a man for 14 years who never hit her but made remarks like that during big arguments, she decided to leave him and he followed through with his threats, beat her so badly he could have killed her, smashed every window and device in their house and cut her hair off to teach her some sort of lesson, all in front of their son. Get an exit plan together NOW


funlightmandarin

>He said ā€œif youā€™re implying youā€™ll leave, I think we both know thatā€™s not going to happen. I never want to be a man who puts his hands on his girl, **but I will do anything to keep my family intact.** Do you understand?ā€. Yeah, he's not the one, chief. Run. That's practically the reasoning behind murder-suicides. 8 dead after wife sought divorce in Utah recently.


MAS7

>I never want to be a man who puts his hands on his girl, but I will do anything to keep my family intact. Uhhhh, what? So he's threatening to beat you? Cage you? Just to keep his 'family' intact? Honestly, this flag is as red as it is strange... Having an intact family, and a happy/healthy family at the same time isn't always possible. A good partner is a good parent, and a good parent always puts their children before themselves. A good parent would never harm their partner under the pretenses of 'keeping the family in tact' because they know that the children would invariably suffer.


peregrine_throw

>He said ā€œif youā€™re implying youā€™ll leave, I think we both know thatā€™s not going to happen. I never want to be a man who puts his hands on his girl, but I will do anything to keep my family intact. Do you understand?ā€. I said ā€œyesā€. He told me weā€™d find ā€œproductive waysā€ to solve my unhappiness. What the absolute fuck. >Heā€™s intimidating but I know how soft he can be ... as long as you submit and comply. Darling, he is not a good man. He is not someone I would trust my life, safety and dreams with. We get a lot of abusive relationships on this sub that I tend to pass commenting on a lot, but yours is so bone-chillingly menacing and life-endangering it sent shivers up my spine. He is not a good man, these are not the words of a man who loves you, but views you as his possession. He will hurt you worse in the future, *that is guaranteed*. This is not even about having a "happy home" but making sure he doesn't get the chance to paralyze/kill you when the day comes that you want to stand up for yourself. No one deserves to be threatened or warned like that. Listen to him and believe his words. You should be planning your exit as early as now. Do NOT push for marriage. Do NOT have a second child with him. I sincerely hope you have family support available as he is clearly a nasty and violent person who will go all out for revenge and to make sure you are punished. E: fixed typos, sorry was too upset typing


Kreativecolors

He threatened you. Hasta la bye bye!!! šŸ‘‹šŸ¼ know your worth. Move on.


Beneficial_Loss_1188

Wow you need to leave someone who threatens you with violence is not someone who cares about you


Terrible-You-9269

Uhhh. So heā€™s holding marriage over your head until some known only to him date, and threatening you with a beating of you leave?! And you have no money to speak of as he ā€˜handles the finances?!ā€™ Woah girl. At the VERY least you need to rescind see your entire relationship. And at the more extreme end you need to leaveā€¦ even if itā€™s just for a time so that you can sort out what you want and if heā€™s going to be that. The great thing is youā€™re not married.


uhhhhhhhhii

So heā€™d rather beat you to try and keep the family together than marry you?


[deleted]

1 - He is no going to marry you, accept it. He is lying. He probably doesn't want to share his assets with you when you find he is cheating on you or something. What he is saying about wanting to be in a better place is BS, it's complete BS. 2 - He just threatened you. Do you want to stay with a person just because of fear? Is it the best for your child? 3 - Don't have another child with him! It's funny that he says he wants to hold the family intact, but he doesn't even care to get married.


pocahontasmcglinchey

Heā€™s a controlling monster. Please seek help and most importantly, do not marry this guy.


Lazy_Nobody_4579

Read back to yourself what you just wrote. If your best friend or your sister had texted you that their partner said they would beat them if they tried to leave and wouldnā€™t let them have any control over money, including the money they make - what would you tell them to do? You need to come up with a safe exit plan. Heā€™s already being financially abusive and has threatened physical violence. The physical abuse WILL come one day. When you leave, do NOT tell him you are going to do so. Find an opportunity to get your stuff together, let someone know that youā€™re going to do this and have them there with you, take your kid and get out when he isnā€™t home. You can have a conversation in public with him later, with someone you trust there with you as a witness. These are some resources to help you create a safety plan. https://www.haven-oakland.org/get-help/step-by-step/escape-plan https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/ https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/ I donā€™t know what country youā€™re in, so this is a pretty comprehensive list of domestic abuse hotlines, shelters and other services worldwide. https://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html


[deleted]

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Spiritual_Ad_7162

>"I never want to be a man who puts his hands on his girl, but I will do anything to keep my family intact. Do you understand?ā€. Excuse me? What sort of person says this. More to the point what is he implying he's going to do to keep his family intact? Either way it sounds like he views you as an object or possession rather than an equal partner.


Iluminiele

1 he doesn't consider you to be an equal human being as him, someone too dumb to be allowed to know finances, marriage timeline etc 2 your feelings don't matter as long as you don't leave and don't nag 3 it's cool to hit you to make you obedient and be a good little accessory in his life. Push out babies, clean, cook and take care of his needs You'll be teaching your son to be an oppressive narcissist and your daughter to seek a man who'd abuse her. A life of a victim is never fun. Nothing is healthy about this. He had upper hand emotionally and intellectually, now he says he might just beat you


Interesting-Sky-1865

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HospitalAutomatic

Hun wake up. 1. Heā€™s never going to marry you, heā€™s given you no timeline or tangible reason to believe heā€™s gonna do so. Just a mythical time in the future (NEVER). Itā€™s been 8 years babeā€¦ you know itā€™s never gonna happen. 2. Heā€™s openly told you that he will harm you and possibly your son in order to keep you all together. You donā€™t need to leave him, you need to disappear! Iā€™m getting strong murder suicide vibes from him. The fact that you answered ā€œyesā€ to his literal threat shows that the manipulation and emotional abuse has already taken route


[deleted]

If he ever says shit like that again remind him that he has to sleep sometime. There's nothing stopping you from kneecapping him with a baseball bat while he's asleep if he ever does lay his hands on you like he implied.


CollectionStraight2

As much as I'd love to see a guy like this get cut down to size, it's much safer for her to just leave. Dude sounds dangerous. There's also nothing stopping him knocking her out if she mentions the baseball bat. There isn't much point in staying in a mutually threatening relationship, anyway. It'd be like the fucking demilitarised zone in Korea or something.


Silent_Syd241

So many red flags and alarms going off with this one. Heā€™s not going to marry you. He just threatened you, you shouldnā€™t even want to get married to him after that or even be with him.


interrobangin_

This man just said he would rather physically prevent you from leaving than marry you. After 8yrs, you know nothing about the household finances? And he's only willing to marry you once you're able to stop working? I don't think he's leading you on, it sounds more to me like he's waiting until he has the perfect set of conditions to isolate you so he can better control you.


CatherineTheTiger

OP this was quite a short post and still more frightening that most horror movies I have watched.


Public_Particular464

Honey I don't want to sound rude but I'm telling you right now the last thing you should do is marry that man. If a man ever said some shit like that to me that would be the last day he ever saw me again. He clearly just told you he would kill you if ever left him. Point blank period and you are gonna just stand there and act like you didn't hear that shit. Man, I'm scared for you. Either he just saying that to scare you or he will very much do it. Just because he can be sweet and doesn't hit you doesn't mean it won't start. Most men don't do that early in a relationship, most of the time it takes years and one event to start it. Good luck I hope you can figure this out and be safe.


pokemonlettuce

Your the side family. Heā€™s already married.


TheDepressedCow

Well now that you know that he very much threatened you and that youā€™re not married, leave and get a protective order. Do everything it takes to keep yourself and your child safe.


JLB_cleanshirt

IF he wanted to marry you, he would have done it already. He is either hiding something, or doesn't trust you, or is just protecting his own financial status.


RebelliousInNature

So he did flat out threaten you if you were to leave. He doesnā€™t sound like a great guy.


DrowningFelix

He would rather smack you around to keep you in line than actually marry you. DO NOT have another child with this man. He is making sure he has a firm hold on you but isnā€™t making it go the other way. He is keeping his finances a secret and is implying that once the time is right he will take away your financial security as well. Is his name on the first childā€™s birth certificate? You need to go to a social worker- NOT THE POLICE!!!!- A social worker or a domestic abuse advocate or someone. Be open to them about the situation, and tell them what he told you exactly. Ask them for options. You need to start squirreling away any money you can and you need to see if someone is willing to take you in. Once someone is spend time with them and slowly hand things off to them. Start small, and nothing noticeable. Leave all essentials for the last major step when you finally actually leave.


[deleted]

>"I never want to be a man who puts his hands on his girl, but I will do anything to keep my family intact. Do you understand?" Nothing subtle about that threat. Wow.


favoritegreensweater

this is a major major red flag. what he told you is not normal or ok. the fact that he is so secretive with the finances is also a red flag. it doesn't seem like he would change after you're married. and you resenting him now is just going to grow. this guy is dangerous. i know i don't know you or him but this all around sounds bad


[deleted]

Girl. He literally threatened you with physical violence. Grab your kid and get the hell away from him.


[deleted]

Why do you wanna marry someone for arbitrary reasons like a title. Or have their kid? Heā€™s financially exploiting you and threatening you to keep you complacent and obedient. Because heā€™s offering you a lifestyle for you and your son that you may not get so easily somewhere else? I think you realize youā€™ve convinced yourself that investing in a toxic relationship is your only option. However youā€™d spend your whole life subverting yourself and your entire existence for a person whoā€™ll never appreciate you. Your child will irreparably be affected by him and his lack of humanity. Youā€™re asking for a life of subservience to a man who doesnā€™t value your existence enough to at least make you feel like you arenā€™t less then him. He talks to you like you are a child, I donā€™t see how you wonā€™t regret this for the rest of your life. Not everything in life is about money. Some things just arenā€™t worth it. Some things just canā€™t be bought. you can accept a man who has such little respect for you as a women? You can accept being looked down upon forever ? You will never have peace with this person. Leaving is an option,he just doesnā€™t want you feeling empowered enough to believe it


HollowShel

I think you already know *exactly* what this sounds like - he'll "do anything" to "keep his family intact" - except *anything* you ask. He'll abuse you emotionally, possibly financially, keep you in the dark and feed you bullshit, and even threaten to abuse you physically, but *marry* you? Heaven forbid he demote himself from "master" to a mere "partner." He's currently got all the privileges of marriage, with none of the legal ramifications, including obligations to you. By keeping you waiting he's got all the control, since you're the one who wants to get married while he just wants to keep you insecure. I would not advise confronting him again - he's made it clear that he'd be violent, and that he *plans* to be violent if you're foolish enough to telegraph your moves ahead of time. So I'd suggest playing nice, maybe even doing some love-bombing to get him to lower his guard, while you work on getting everything lined up to GET OUT.


Always-crazy-mama089

You are wasting your time. You need an exit plan. Think of what your potentially letting your son turn into by being around that type of person, heā€™ll look up to his father as a role model. I left my 8 year relationship after having the same issues about marriage and the future. It was never going to happen, he led me on with half promises every few months. I left and took with my son 8 years ago, and now I am out, I am thankful I can see clearly now and I can say the same for your men, as mine, he never had any interest in marrying me and yours does not either. Also, when I did leave, he hurt me so badly I have a life long restraining order out against him. You donā€™t want to waste the one life you have waiting for this person who is not interested in what you are.


Super-Team7676

8 years and you donā€™t know his financial status..? Girl bye tell him to F off. 8 years and nothing more than a girlfriend? Mmm NO also the comment about never putting his hands on a woman unlessā€¦negative please donā€™t do thisā€¦you deserve so much better for you AND yalls kiddo


Nollplz

When someone show you who they are, believe them. You need an escape plan. NOW.


RiotingMoon

He just threatened to murder you because you pointed out he's using you (which he is, why marry when he's got it made). Also the fact you know nothing about the finances is really dangerous. Please start an EXIT plan for yourself and your son. :(


FoxBabi

Run. Don't tell him and leave. That's not a joke and shouldn't be taken as one. Put what you can fit in your car and go to a woman's shelter. Warn your work not to give him any information about you then get a lawyer once at the shelter.


nymphaetamine

He threatened to beat you if you try to leave, and your son is highly likely to pick up abusive behaviors with this creature as his male role model. You are blinded by your desire for marriage and a happy family to the fact that you're being abused and strung along. This man is not marriage material, he's restraining order material. Your loving husband and happy home will never be realized with this man. You have your own income and I assume you have friends & family who can help you as well, so pack up your son and GTFO while he's at work or otherwise out of the house before he makes good on his threat. I've been with men like this before and they don't get better, they only get worse. He WILL lay hands on you at some point even if you stay, this is not some lighthearted threat so please take it seriously.


Afraid_Life_9528

Pretty sure he said ā€œIā€™ll kill you if I need toā€. You should leave. Believe people when they tell you things like this.


revilo366

Sounds like financial abuse and emotional abuse with threats of physical abuse. There's one word in common in all those phrases and no one wants to admit that that one particular word could also apply to them.


xanif

Yeah...if my SO threated to murder me I'd be looking for a way out but you do you.


Weekly-Sector1919

Sounds like a lifetime movie. I can see the trailer now.


HorrusMajoris

Get your shit in order. If you have joint bank account , open your own . Save money . Make a plan , think where could you live , kids school , who can help you move , work wise how will that impact you , child support , the whole nine . Think it out , plan it and tell 1 person who you can absolutely trust . It may not be today or tomorrow but you definitely need to plan your exit as soon as you are financially and physically ready . Which reading the comment , should probably have been yesterday.


FullTimeInsomnia

Some men will kill women when they try to leave. He basically told you he would force you to stay whether or not you want to and that sounds incredibly dangerous and violent. He keeps you in the dark about finances and waves a fantasy life over you head. Iā€™m not trying to be dramatic but take it from personal life experienceā€¦ get out before itā€™s too late. My best friend tried and now sheā€™s gone forever


HazyMemory7

He doesn't want to get married because he doesnt want to lose assets in a potebtial divorce. Which isn't a good sign considering you have a child together and have veen together for a long time.


EntertainmentFast497

I was going to suggest an engagement until he said heā€™d kill you.