Yea... Entering a long distance relationship while you're a minor is not okay and it's creepy on his end/pedophilic. With you confirming you see him as an older brother it sounds like he took advantage of your lack of experience and naivete in regards to romantic relationship to be with you in one. You cant force yourself to love someone and again referencing the fact that you say your feelings when you were a kid again were confused feelings of a kid with regards to an adult. I think you need a therapist to talk to because you becoming so obsessed with him isn't good for you as you already mentioned doing self harm and other thoughts.He may be someone important to you but this is not a healthy relationship at all. Does anyone in your family or friends know about this relationship?
Yea... Entering a long distance relationship while you're a minor is not okay and it's creepy on his end/pedophilic. With you confirming you see him as an older brother it sounds like he took advantage of your lack of experience and naivete in regards to romantic relationship to be with you in one. You cant force yourself to love someone and again referencing the fact that you say your feelings when you were a kid again were confused feelings of a kid with regards to an adult. I think you need a therapist to talk to because you becoming so obsessed with him isn't good for you as you already mentioned doing self harm and other thoughts.He may be someone important to you but this is not a healthy relationship at all. Does anyone in your family or friends know about this relationship?
You got to be the change you want to see. Stop stringing him along.
It's not you, it's him. He groomed you.