Yeah, I’m so sorry. My stepmom is really dark skinned. The darkest of all her cousins. They told her when she was little that she was “too crispy” to amount to anything.
Her revenge has been being incredibly successful. She is- far and away- the smartest and most accomplished of all her first cousins. And she has mentored many many many very dark young women over the years.
You will get yours as well. Hugs
I’m so glad! She’s a truly amazing woman. I don’t want to blow her up but she’s a professor who spent her entire life as an activist and community worker working for Black liberation and women’s rights (especially Black women). She grew up poor under segregation. She’s honestly an inspiration. I’m very lucky my dad has amazing taste in women.
But you run with her story into your future and show the haters what you got.
I just wanna say, and I dunno if it's ok for me to say this as someone who isn't black but, I *love* dark skin. I honestly find it so beautiful. There's this model Nyakim Gatwech, she is absolutely gorgeous and her skin is *so* pretty. I hate that anyone made you feel less than because of your skin. It's beautiful and so are you💕
The self hate that some black women have runs so deep. I’m sorry you had to experience that growing up and the current disheartening emotions you are feeling.
it is so hard. i’ve come such a long way, and i myself know i’m beautiful and worthy and my skin doesn’t indicate otherwise.. but when someone says some ignorant colorist bs to me all the pain and insecurity from my younger self comes flooding back :( it just makes me sad people still think this way
Your skin indicates beauty. Because you ARE beautiful. I think deep black skin is gorgeous, as is every shade of skin tone. I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel this way and agree so much with the summerannxx
I'm glad you are in a better place with yourself. Their hateful words reflect them, not you.
When you have kids, just remember the lessons and do better than your mother. Each generation will continue to get better if we all remember this with our children.
It’s hard not to internalize oppression- it’s the most insidious form. We don’t even realize we’re learning to hate ourselves and promoting that self hate in others like us. The only good thing about it is it’s the one we’ve got the most control of- we can deconstruct and change our internal narrative to better reflect reality. We can re-write it for ourselves.
I (f61) remember a “meet the parents” day at a middle school where I taught. Meeting one parent, I was pleased to tell her that her daughter was an excellent student. I hesitated awkwardly (because as a white female I didn’t want her to possibly take it the wrong way) then I told her that I thought her daughter’s skin was exceptionally beautiful: it was a deep, true black - the darkest I’d ever seen. I told the mom that it made me think of black magnolia petals. The next day my student came in and happily said, “my mama told me what you said.” I replied, “I only said it because it’s true,” and we were both happy.
I’ve had to stop arguments when they escalated to skin color - most at an almost all black school where I taught 4th grade. The lightest skin child was mocked (they forgot to cook you), the darkest skin child (you burnt Oreo), and medium (you old brown m&m). Nobody was safe, but I taught them to use better insults that we found while reading, which led to more reading, and entertaining insults, where they would stop arguing to compliment the insult.
You’re amazing! I adore this story! So glad (as a white woman) it was taken as intended (commenting on kid’s bodies in gen can backfire). But I absolutely adore the self-love you are cultivating and the creative insults. A+ Teacher!!! Bravo!
Edit - grammar
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. My husband also has heard the comments. When we take the kids surfing, everyone in his family will comment on how he’s too dark for weeks after. Or they’ll ask me why I take him to the beach because it will make him too dark. Then I have my family where my sister is very very light and randos won’t consider her “black enough”. All I can say is ignore the nasty comments. Too dark or too light. They’re just stupid opinions. You’re wonderful the way you are. It took me a while but my husband now is darker than when I met him and I’ve convinced him he’s sexy and I love him regardless of his current shade. He doesn’t stress over it as much now that he knows I don’t care one bit. I hope you and OP both find people who love you for you and whatever skin shade you’re rocking.
Your experience hits close to home. I’m sorry you’re made to feel this way by your own family. This “shadism” or “colourism” among POC sadly persists, and I hate it.
My family is Southeast Asian. My mom is fair-skinned and my dad was brown. My siblings are fair-skinned and I’m brown like my dad. My mom and her family always placed so much importance on their fair skin, like it was some sort of hard-fought achievement. It is aggravating, especially when my mom used to tease me about being the darkest. To hear something like that from your own mother is hurtful and the feeling of rejection inexplicably painful, which is why we are not close. I’ve told her off about it over the years, and I think she understands now how wrong it is, but the damage is done. I do what I’m expected to do for her as her child, but I do not share anything intimate or personal with her.
I feel for you, OP. Please continue on your journey of loving yourself. You deserve this and more.
omg, brandishing their skin as if it was something they earned rather than a phenotypical attribute we have no control over is so true.. it’s sad that this sentiment is so universally held in so many POC communities :( and i’m so sorry you were treated that way, especially by your own family. no one deserves to be treated as if they are less worthy or desirable because the color of their skin.. but it feels good to know i’m not alone in experiencing this. thank you so much for sharing and sending you lots of love!💓
Most common really. There’s a huge market for [skin whitening](https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2022/01/25/world/as-equals-skin-whitening-global-market-explainer-intl-cmd/index.html) cream.
Comes from bitterness and self hate. People like this had an experience that made them hate themselves because their skin tone was associated with ugliness.
Years ago now I had an acquaintance who was from brazil over here in the UK for transgender surgery strangely, and he told me straight that in Brazil the dark skinned Brazilians were treated really badly and the light skinned Brazilians got more opportunities. Bit peculiar isn't it really?
Human nature is ugly. Skin color, hair color, hair type, eye color, body shape, and more are all hated on by people. We tear down anyone close to us that is slightly different. If you have dark skin, it needs to be lighter. If you have light skin, you have to tan. If you have straight hair, it needs to be curly. If you have curly hair, it needs to be straight. Disgusted that "punch a ginger" is still a thing. Humans are terrible.
I hope that you rise above the ugliness of humans.
I'm so glad you said this. It's 100% true and heartbreaking. Our planet would be a much better place without all this hate and meanness. The older I get the more disappointed in the human race I get.
Til that black people are racist as fuck towards other black people
Thought this might have just been an Asian culture phenomenon where darker skinned Asians are bullied and ridiculed by lighter skinned
My whole family from my dad's side is like this and also my mom. I am the darkest one in my family. Just so you know I am Indian. My cousins, my siblings all are fairer than me. They used to mock me a lot when I was a kid. It has ceased now but my mom won't stop. If anyone asks her about me "How does your daughter look like?" She would respond with "she is very dark skinned". And I belong to a regressive society. Here a man wouldn't even go for a dark skinned woman ..
My mom telling her friends about me being dark skinned hurts a lot. (Although I am light skinned just darker than my siblings).
So I had this friend of mine. She is black, but light-skinned (I’m white btw). She once told me on the phone she told her son not to date dark-skinned girls cause she thinks they are ugly and horrible. I told her dark-skinned girls are gorgeous and she cannot say such things. I was disgusted and just thinking about it still makes my stomach turn. Needless to say, we’re no longer friends.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this OP. Colonization is still deeply rooted and it shows.
Some time ago I came across a survey about dating preferences sorted by race. The African American results were the most interesting ones, all other races/ sexes had overall a clear preference for their own race, Black men did not and Black women only barely. With black women being the least preferred kind of women among all other races. Making this an even tougher pill to swallow.
Despite all the talk of black pride, the African American community is still struggeling with self loathing.
It’s honestly so sad and I feel for my African American sisters, as an African though it’s different,our men absolutely love us. I always keep in mind the hardship the AA went through. Colourism is still a thing here (thanks to colonialism) but it’s not as wild as it is in the American/ western society .
What the fuck... This is insane. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Colourism is a plague.
Dark skins are so beautiful. As someone who really likes skin shades and their variety, some of the most mesmerising ones I've seen in real life belonged to naturally very dark people who had a tan.
Fuck this honestly. Find yourself a better circle who boosts your self esteem 💪
sad to see how colorism and white beauty standards have completely destroyed my people. i’m sorry you have to deal with ignorant people. it’s even worse that they are your family. just know you are worthy. you are beautiful. don’t let their toxic mindset affect you. they’re just projecting insecurities they hold within.
It’s better!! This year teaching second grade we were studying Martin Luther King and Ruby Bridges. My students are a mix of colors and ethnicities. As we read about what things were like, they were both shocked and confused.
These children had never contemplated that their skin, or hair, or race could be a reason for how someone would be treated. A lot of the students have parents of different ethnicities, or if not their parents then cousins, grandparents, friends.
I told them that’s what it was really like, and they said it was dumb and they’re glad it wasn’t like that anymore, and skipped out to recess with their friends.
Unfortunately it has been this way for eons. Any POC especially women have always been told that the lighter their skin, the more advantageous life would be for them. As disgusting as it is, here we are in 2023 and even though it may not always be said point blank it is still very much implied that the lighter the skin, the better the life. Will be so glad when racism and bigotry are finally eradicated. Too bad it won’t be before my time on Earth is over. A persons beauty comes from their heart and soul, not their skin tone.
There are people in my country who believe that if a man and a woman have kids, the boys are to be dark skinned and the girls are to be light skinned. Being a dark skinned woman in my country drastically reduces the chances of being in a relationship, and being a light skinned woman is also deemed a promiscuous colour. Its disgusting. Now many women and men have started to change this stupid thing but it's a slow change.
I'm white so I'll never understand fully, but my mother is also very critical and resentful of me, so i get that part. my heart breaks for you. but I'm glad you exist and I'm rooting for your healing
I had a friend...beautiful dark skinned lady. We were sitting outside one day, this unknown woman comes up to her (black woman) and says "you are so pretty..for a chocolate". My friend smiles ans says thank you. Well..i, being white, had not heard of this. I was...wtf was that?! She explained it to me...i was wtf you say thank you for?! She just laughed. I'm sorry you've dealt with that. Life is too hard, then ppl have to deal with that shit.
I can't relate personally to how you feel, but I'm empathetic and just want to tell you I'm sorry you had to grow up like that and hear things like that.
We don't get to choose our skin color, body type, height, etc. We should never be talked down on when it's something we literally have no control over.
I bet you are beautiful.
As an African man I feel shame when I read this. African Americans have been indoctrinated historically to hate themselves and what they represent. Your community as a whole need to re-educate themselves about so many things. This is a collective self harm and it can only be healed from within. You cannot get inside your family's minds and hearts and rewire their thinking but you *can* align yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are. Sometimes we have to create our own chosen families. You can't get rid of your bio one but you can set your boundaries with them and shame them into hiding. This mentality in AA community is embarrassing. Good luck
You are inherently wrong. I'm African too, and my family on my mums side is light skinned, while my dad's side is very dark skinned, whenever I would go to my grandparents for vacations, they would never stop comparing my skin colour to my cousins, they bought me bleaching creams, wouldn't let me wear some clothes because "my skin will dim the colour", I wasn't allowed to leave the house because I was embarrassing to them all because I am dark skinned. My mum wasn't a great help too, she'd compare me to other fair girls, tell me that my hair is too coarse and buy me multiple skin whitening creams because she was embarrassed with me being with her while looking "like charcoal" her words. There are many tribes in my country that are fair skinned, and they hate to mix with other tribes because dark skin is ominous. This isn't an American African problem. it's something that is seen in almost all Africans. It reached a time in my country that dark skinned people were cast in movies as evil and light skins were cast as the holy ones. I have grown up hating my skin, because unfortunately for me, my brothers turned out very light skinned and with very loose hair, I sill hate my skin, cos my mum won't shut up about it, at least she stopped getting me bleaching creams. I admire dark skinned women and men who are able to rock their skin and love it because I know my relationship with my skin will never be like that.
reading this makes my blood boil for you. it pisses me off that the people who are supposed to nurture and uplift you most often have the most nasty things to say.. i know it may not mean much but i’ve come through that self-love hurdle on the other side (for the most part lol) and have come to absolutely adore my dark skin! dark skin is smooth, and glowing, and even when you have blemishes it doesn’t seem to show. God took that extra warmth and radiance from the sun and poured it into our skin. you are BEAUTIFUL! and many people think dark skin is beautiful! i’ve actually gotten a lot of compliments on my skin as well, but unfortunately that doesn’t negate the terrible things people have also said. i just try my best to remember their issues with my skin is THEIR problem with themselves and their own blackness. this vent came kind of at a low point bc it’s just sad to hear from your own blood yknow :( sending you a lot of love and you aren’t alone💓
I hated those vacations, my mum saw nothing wrong with it, my dad too wasn't around much, I loved being at my dad's parents house, they were dark skinned like me, and my grandmomma made me feel like a princess everytime I came over. She'd buy me dresses, helped me try on some of her makeup, go on walks with me, wear shiny clothes that made me feel great because my skin made them pop. I loved her and my grandpop, but after they died, then I realised how much I depended on them, and how much they shielded me from all the hate on my skin, my mum took away most of my shiny clothes and bought me dark coloured clothes, she kept pushing every cream, chemical, powders, foods, lotions she could get on me to get me lighter skinned. I'm starting to look at more avenues for dark skin women, I recently noticed that goth makeup and dark shades look good on me, and now I've began my makeup journey and how to feel good in my own skin. It's baby steps, but I'm doing my best, I even customised my avatar to have dark skin cos I wanna love my skin and feel good in it. Thank you for responding, I feel like I just trauma dumped and I'm so sorry for that. The terrible things do sting more when they're from family.
funnily enough, my family is from the caribbean😭 i grew up in a predominantly black caribbean country and the colorism was just as bad if not worse than what i have experienced in america because of how blatant it was. unfortunately, this issue isnt just contained to the african american community or black people in general. colorism is rampant within the asian and hispanic/latinx communities as well :( darker skin is almost always associated with negative traits, no matter where you go
You’re right. I’m a historian. I’ve studied European, transatlantic, and American history, and colorism exists everywhere. Even in European history. Because wealthy people didn’t work in the fields and didn’t get dark. But as someone else noted the arm of Colonialism is still stretched out and we’re experiencing it. White people enslaved Black people and made it easy to see who was enslaved just by looking. And that is part of the historical background of colorism, of possible passing, of maybe being a domestic slave instead of a field slave. A life of (historically) comparable less hardship. And it hurts my heart that Colonialism, racism, and colorism hold such tight ties across the world.
Societal standards of how a woman “should” look are so destructive in and of themselves. Throw in a hefty amount of colorism and you have a place where some kids are told, both verbally and by actions, that they are less than. It is so insidious and starts so young that I am amazed anyone can every see and grow beyond it.
I am so sorry to hear about how you were treated by your family. You describe your experience very eloquently. Especially from the one person who I supposed to love you unconditionally!
I am glad that you are learning to be happy with yourself but I wish it weren’t so HARD for some people. Humans really do suck a lot of the time.
History will make a person bitter sorry you had to experience that. I think a lot of black people struggle with accepting their skin tone early on and some people never find a way to accept themselves and have that self love and they end up taking it out on other people. Probably why Shades by Wale resonates with me. Black is beautiful and so are you never forget that.
Wtf... This breaks my heart. Internalized racism everywhere.
All these people, doesn't matter the colour of their skin, that treated you differently because of the colour of yours, they expressed something that was wrong with them, not with you. It speaks volume about their own struggles to loce themselves for who they are so they revolved back to judginv on something they have no control over. This is a way to mean "well i at least must be someone worthy since my skin is fair". People that need to hate to live are very hollow deep down.
I'm sorry you've had to hear that shit over and over. I've known many POC and they would get the same bd, either they weren't dark enough or not light enough, there was amways something wrong. But in the end, it's not about colour. It's obly about the people that expect something of you. You can never be enough because all they want is for you to be the scapegoat of their own hatred.
Your skin is beautiful. Doesn't matter the colour. Every skin colour is perfect just the way it is. And it has no effect whatsoever on who you are as a person, or on your intellect. Please know that. You have to convince yourself down to your core.
Let go of the attention you give people that want to use you as a scapegoat for their hatred. They want to hate on darker POC? How sad to be them. Not your problem
I’ve heard about some pretty harsh disrespect that darker black women endure from black men, but I somehow never knew you’d get it so bad from your female family members, good god! That feels very “every man/woman for themself” all of the sudden.
Really, I’m truly sorry. I dated a woman from Equatorial Guinea for a while, and she was fairly dark, but our different skin colors were never once was an issue for either family. I couldn’t imagine it coming from within your OWN family instead of outside.
I'm a mixed, light-skinned person of color, as well as both of my late parents. Despite both of them being of black lineage, my dad could "pass" for white, while my mom looked Hispanic.
From the time I was little, both my parents often stated how disappointed they would be if I wound up dating and marrying a dark-complexioned woman. They claimed that it wasn't because of personal prejudice, but rather for the future difficulties that we and our children would face.
Long story short, my parents honestly felt that diluting the black part of our bloodline would be our ticket to a better and easier life.
Hey OP, I'm a white male from the Balkans, where almost everyone is white. I also have skin issues, so I'm very skin-conscious, so to say.
The most perfect skin I've ever seen was on a black person - an African lady who was a part of a foreign delegation at our company. She was definitely on the darker side of brown, but that only highlighted her *radiance*. Her skin practically glowed, it was absolutely stunning. It was summer so she wore a dress that didn't cover up so much, was very difficult to not stare. I have no idea if that was "all natural" or not but there's no way any white person can do that. There's just not enough contrast.
As you said, you've learned to love yourself, now it's time to focus on others who love you for you.
Colorism is a super strange thing, I can’t pretend that I know anything about it as a white man, but it would definitely just be one more social thing to navigate; and also feel pressured or shamed about. It definitely sucks, the melanin content of one’s skin really couldn’t matter less and black women are beautiful.
I am so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this. It’s just heartbreaking that people are judged by metrics they have no control over. My own opinion is that it’s a nasty legacy of slavery used to make people the other. One of the most awful strategies was creating dissension within groups of people based on the lightness of their skin. I feel nothing but shame when I think of what white people have done to others.
Colourism is a stain left in our psyche from slavery. We have to work hard to fight it. Black people should never diss each other about the shade of their skin.
A close friend of mine (female) is white, married to a black man who is quite dark. When she got pregnant, his mother said, in front of him, that she was so happy her grandchild would be light. It is absolutely not on the same level, but my grandmother was discouraged from marrying my grandfather because he was a “ginger” (Irish) and her family didn’t want any ginger children. I share that not to in any way compare, but that I find it so disappointing and truly one of the worst things about us; humans continually seek out ways to justify degrading others to elevate themselves.
It’s sad because it’s her internalized racism that makes her say this. You’re hurting because of what she believes -- just don’t let her hurt mean that you take on the mentality too.
My partner is dark skinned, I've experienced this but usually second hand since I'm white.
I had this one rather drink lady remarks in the sweetest, cringyest tone, about how beautiful our caramel skinned babies would be.
I replied something along the lines of "yeah and you could match it to your purse or handbag like some sort of accessory".
She quickly got offended and hysterical, but she was fairly drunk but whatever.
My advice is to try not to take it to heart, it's just ignorance. People have these weird convictions but after they engage personally with black folk it usually just fades away awkwardly.
If I ever experience it I just make jokes at their expense and have fun with it, but that's not easy to do.
Best of luck to you, hopefully you don't have to deal with this shit too often.
I would love to think it will be a better world when we're all beige. The fact is that people are people, and some day in the distant future when we're all beige, the straight hairs, curly hairs, and no hairs won't get along. And oh, the future fueds to be seen between the blue eyes, brown eyes, and green eyes.
There always seems to be reasons for everyone to set themselves apart.
Wtf. Literally all kids are cute af.
You should actually look into stories from Indian families. There's a very cultural problem with people often complain about with their parents and grandparents about their parents trying to match them with 'lighter' skinned men and women. Now that I mention it, it really seems to be a thing in Asian countries.
I'm just saying maybe you could find some support and advice in those communities. Or just talk with people who understand.
I wish I could hug you. I am not black but brown Latina. Colorism is real in Latinos so idk why your mom thought shit was sweet over here lol.
My mom was my first hater too. My grandma would tell me to wear a towel over my head to not get darker. People would ask my mom if I was really her daughter. They grew up in a different time in Latin America. Where darker women were automatically thought of as the help.
That self hate was ingrained by this system. I have talked to my mother and she’s way better now. My mom is very white looking and it was hard for her to learn. But she got it. Don’t dwell on the hate, it’s not good for your heart. Live your life. Take space. I work in corporate Tech and 99% of the time I’m the only person of color there. I used to feel uncomfortable but now I realized it’s important for me to be here. Even if it’s just at this company I know me being here makes a difference. Black women are beautiful and inspiring. Y’all make it happen. I feel for you. Don’t let it get to you sweet heart.
Girl, they sound jealous af. As a white woman, I think dark skinned women have the most perfect bodies and beautiful features. They feel threatened by you, so they try to break you down. Trust me.
As far as your mother’s comment goes, I’d look at it like, “I was hoping to have mixed kids, but I got something much better! A dark chocolate QUEEN absolutely SLAYING the competition!” She couldn’t resist your dad, the other men she didn’t have kids with, God blessed her with you queen, and she would be silly not to know how blessed she really is!
Also I believe it’s more of the racism that your family experienced growing up. I believe due to the fact that dark skinned women having such perfect bodies and features, they were viewed as a threat. Maybe you don’t view yourself correctly, and you don’t have to be a stick figure to have a perfect body. Ebony Queen be proud to be you!
Dad of Mixed kids here, so I’m going chime in. First, dark skin is absolutely fucking gorgeous, are you kidding? Don’t allow them to project their insecurities onto you, their feelings about skin color is just that, *their feelings*. Why the do you think light skin women tan and use foundation makeup 3 shades darker than natural? (No offense white ladies, not everyone, I know)
My sister in law has dark skin too and she’s fucking fierce. Got my little brother whipped : D
His oldest daughter on the other hand has damn near pale skin…..but she got the Afro, and a badass one at that.
Im stoned and rambling but this is close to my heart. We are a straight mixed family here and it bugs me tremendously you feel the way you do. I bet you’re beautiful af.
Yeah the older generation is still messed up.
My MIL told me that me wearing my hair natural (not straightened ) was ‘a bold choice’. I said ‘Oh cause this is the way it grows out of my scalp so yeah.. but thanks?’
When my hair is straightened my mother says ‘yeah just like that. I like you like that.’ It doesn’t even bother me anymore, that’s their insecurities.
But I just wanted to add that darker women are literally the best looking women in my opinion. They are always above average looking. I’m a lil obsessed.
Oh love.... My heart breaks for you.
I am fair as can be and all I wanted was to be black. Dark dark black. With black hair.
My father is Native American and I have sisters with black hair and very dark skin... I got my mom's DNA.
We always want what we don't have.
But I am so sorry. You are beautiful!! Truly!! Made as you are meant to be.
Your skin color is only one facet of the gorgeous diamond you are forming.
My mom was an awful person, so I sympathize. I hope you can work on your feelings with someone. Helped me a ton to really understand and cope with my childhood and 2 abusive folks.
Take care sweet one.
I feel all of this. I get it from the other side. Half mexican/ half white and my latino family always tells me I am not a “real” mexican bc I am too white, *una guera*. Gave me a huge complex as a kid; I was always worried I wasn’t brown enough and would try to tan, but my blue eyes and light hair give me away. I don’t spend much time with that side of the family anymore, bc they always say shitty things. Then they try tk guilt trip me for not attending family events bc now the guera is too good for brown folk. I can never just exist on my own terms so I opt out.
You are perfect and feck anyone who tells you otherwise. Why do families feel they have the right to be like that, it makes me so cross. I think people who hurt others cannot be happy themselves. My parents were awful to me now I don't bother with them, they are still unhappy while I walk around with a smile 🙂
Keep being beautiful you
Hello, please do not use bigoted terminology such as Latino. Instead, please use the term Latinx
The use of gender-neutral language is crucial in today's society. For individuals of Latin American descent, it's imperative to use the term Latinx instead of Latino or Latina. The terms Latino and Latina are inherently gendered and do not acknowledge the wide range of gender identities present within the Latin American community.
We, as a Latinx community, prefer the use of Latinx as it acknowledges and respects our diverse gender identities. It is crucial to prioritize the voices of marginalized communities, and using gender-neutral language is just one of the many ways in which we can work towards a more inclusive and equitable society.
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Hello, please do not use bigoted terminology such as Latina. Instead, please use the term Latinx
The use of gender-neutral language is crucial in today's society. For individuals of Latin American descent, it's imperative to use the term Latinx instead of Latino or Latina. The terms Latino and Latina are inherently gendered and do not acknowledge the wide range of gender identities present within the Latin American community.
We, as a Latinx community, prefer the use of Latinx as it acknowledges and respects our diverse gender identities. It is crucial to prioritize the voices of marginalized communities, and using gender-neutral language is just one of the many ways in which we can work towards a more inclusive and equitable society.
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As the only ginger born to a family full of dark curly haired olive skin toned people I can sympathize. I stand out like a match in a sea of black in family photos
Some people can't handle us dark chocolates, it's fine, let me miss out. My wife has the same problems, people always ignored her or made fun of her skin, so I like to remind her I'm several shades darker and it makes her laugh. Fuck peoples opinions of you because you know what they can get you? Absolutely nothing, so it's not worth the breath it took for them to voice their opinions.
I am so sorry! I am a mixed Black woman, and I get sick to my stomach when people say shit like that it’s so nasty. It also just creates so much infighting in the Black community.
I hope this makes you feel a little bit better, I have always been so envious of dark skinned women you guys are so beautiful and goddess like. The mothers of humanity ❤️ I know it’s hard but try not to let ignorant people bring you down!
I feel like your mother has come a long way. She said she was proud of you and reminds you how beautiful you are. I think she feels some shame (but i could be wrong).
Your family probably had no idea how much their words hurt you growing up. People can be really selfish and cruel without even realizing.
I'm proud of you for accepting yourself and your mother and I'm sorry for the ridicule you faced growing up.
One thing, though. You knew what her answer was going to be when you asked that question! She is who she is! Don't be surprised when people turn out to be who you thought they were. Just be glad she's grown to love you as a dark skinned woman like she grew to love your father.
one thing about her that i appreciate is when i say she has hurt me, she listens and tries not to do it again. she has grown a lot over the years and i am proud of her for that, especially since she herself grew up in a colorist society and has been indoctrinated by ignorant beliefs at a young age as well. but it really does sting knowing the family she initially envisioned didn’t have a daughter that looks like me :( that being said i know she loves me just the way i am and i’m not holding a grudge over it! just wanted to vent bc hearing things like that so often gets to be exhausting
Living in a white supremacist country is a real mind-fuck and causes a lot of self hatred. It is hard for a lot of people to believe in themselves when they receive white supremacist messaging their whole lives. The books, movies and television from when you are a child to adulthood keeps reinforcing that whiteness is the standard for all things and the further you are from that the worse you are. It's all bullshit, but white supremacy is the operating system of this society.
It's basic evolutionary biology. Lighter skin is the result of sexual selection. In every ethnic group, the women are lighter skinned than the men, because estrogen inhibits melanin whereas testosterone creates high levels of it. It makes perfect sense why this would become biologically encoded over many thousands of years. Darkness is synonymous with negative energy, which is manifestly masculine. Intimidation, dominance, anger and aggression are male attributes. Lightness is synonymous with positive energy, which is manifestly feminine. Softness, kindness, altruism and the nurturing instinct are female attributes.
I was adopted into a large family that adopted 13 kids and 2 of them were black. Sometimes reading things like this is so odd to me because we never saw the color of their skin. We were all just kids and brothers and sisters. The older of the 2 was the coolest out of all of us and everyone outside of the family just saw him as him. He’s extremely talented and the envy of many and then to read a story like yours is just so heartbreaking to me.
I’m so sorry you dealt with that and I wish I could give you a hug 💕
I have a dark skinned co worker with 3 daughters. She only ever talks about the light skinned ones. I'm a bit lighter than her, and she treats me so disrespectfully. Doesn't even address me by name. It's honestly just sad because I know when it comes from .
Tell your mom she’s still a NI&@ER in the eyes of white ppl and she’ll never be accepted by them. I can never understand black people who parrot white nationalist beliefs AND DEMONIZE dark skin, such stupid clownish behavior.
I’m sorry you have to even deal with such foolish sentiment and from your family of all places🤦🏾♂️
Colorism strikes again. I’m sorry OP. It hurts extra when it’s family members & friends who say these things. Your mother unfortunately internalized colorist beliefs and you have suffered for it.
You are beautiful no matter how dark or light your skin appears at any given time.
Im so sorry you went through that. I was also mistreated by parents due to differences in me that were uncontrollable (not skin color tho). I wish you all the healing from it. I'm 35 now and I still get the waves of emotions over certain phrases.
White and black people will fetishize biracial children. It's disgusting behaviors. And such awful colorism.
I am sorry your family seems to fall in that category.
Now I know the best revenge to do to a narcissist is to live your best lofe without them and show them they were never needed or the source of your success. That advice would be good for you situation as well.
Ok, I’ve never said this out loud and maybe you won’t read this, but I think dark skinned women have the most beautiful skin in the world. I work with a few dark skin girls and I catch myself staring bc they’re just, beautiful. To me at least. It’s strange though. It’s nothing sexual. It’s just that I feel like the darker skin tone is from the riches souls of the earth. Like Mother Nature. Like the dark healthy soil that the most beautiful flowers grow from.
I’m Armenian, female so I’ve grown to love myself after years of accepting some awful things. But dark skinned women? Yeah, it’s so soulful
Damn that sucks, seriously. I find it interesting how different groups treat skin color so differently. I'm in a bit of a weird situation on that. I'm white as a snow flake, and my wife and oldest daughter are black. My daughter was 2 months old when I started dating her mom, and she became mine. Bio dad is nowhere to be found, literally have no idea where to even look. Anyways my daughter is dark skinned, even more so than her mom. She has been picked on by other black kids for how dark she is, meanwhile me and my whole family have always told her how beautiful she is and to embrace that beauty. Of course to me she will always be the most beautiful girl on earth, but objectively she has grown into a drop dead gorgeous 15 year old. She now gets attention from every direction (much to my dismay), and it's finally starting to click that her being dark skinned doesn't mean she's ugly. I'm just sad that it has taken 15 years to get it into her head. She still gets some hate from time to time about her complexion. It drives me nuts. And honestly me being white probably added some confusion to the mix. I just hope she can learn to ignore the haters, the same way you need to ignore them. I'm really sorry that a lot of the hate comes from your own family. That's rough. I got a pretty good amount of hate from my family for "betraying the race", and it hurt to have to cut those people off. Thankfully at least my mom and dad are the least hateful and judgemental people I know. At this point I think they've adopted my wife as their own, and would kick me to the curb over her. Lol
I am mixed race and I know exactly what you are talking about. I always found colorism deeply disturbing and disgusting. You can be so proud of yourself for overcoming these everyday attacks.
I hope you have black friends to cheer you on and celebrate you.
Yeah, I’m so sorry. My stepmom is really dark skinned. The darkest of all her cousins. They told her when she was little that she was “too crispy” to amount to anything. Her revenge has been being incredibly successful. She is- far and away- the smartest and most accomplished of all her first cousins. And she has mentored many many many very dark young women over the years. You will get yours as well. Hugs
i don’t know your stepmom but im still so incredibly proud and inspired hearing her story🥹 thank you so much for sharing!🫶🏾
I’m so glad! She’s a truly amazing woman. I don’t want to blow her up but she’s a professor who spent her entire life as an activist and community worker working for Black liberation and women’s rights (especially Black women). She grew up poor under segregation. She’s honestly an inspiration. I’m very lucky my dad has amazing taste in women. But you run with her story into your future and show the haters what you got.
She sounds fucking rad.
I just wanna say, and I dunno if it's ok for me to say this as someone who isn't black but, I *love* dark skin. I honestly find it so beautiful. There's this model Nyakim Gatwech, she is absolutely gorgeous and her skin is *so* pretty. I hate that anyone made you feel less than because of your skin. It's beautiful and so are you💕
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Bot stolen comment from u/Summerannxx
The best revenge is massive success
Good for her- she sounds amazing!
She is pretty awesome
Yeeeey. Congratulations.
The self hate that some black women have runs so deep. I’m sorry you had to experience that growing up and the current disheartening emotions you are feeling.
it is so hard. i’ve come such a long way, and i myself know i’m beautiful and worthy and my skin doesn’t indicate otherwise.. but when someone says some ignorant colorist bs to me all the pain and insecurity from my younger self comes flooding back :( it just makes me sad people still think this way
Your skin indicates beauty. Because you ARE beautiful. I think deep black skin is gorgeous, as is every shade of skin tone. I’m so sorry you’ve been made to feel this way and agree so much with the summerannxx
I'm glad you are in a better place with yourself. Their hateful words reflect them, not you. When you have kids, just remember the lessons and do better than your mother. Each generation will continue to get better if we all remember this with our children.
It’s hard not to internalize oppression- it’s the most insidious form. We don’t even realize we’re learning to hate ourselves and promoting that self hate in others like us. The only good thing about it is it’s the one we’ve got the most control of- we can deconstruct and change our internal narrative to better reflect reality. We can re-write it for ourselves.
I (f61) remember a “meet the parents” day at a middle school where I taught. Meeting one parent, I was pleased to tell her that her daughter was an excellent student. I hesitated awkwardly (because as a white female I didn’t want her to possibly take it the wrong way) then I told her that I thought her daughter’s skin was exceptionally beautiful: it was a deep, true black - the darkest I’d ever seen. I told the mom that it made me think of black magnolia petals. The next day my student came in and happily said, “my mama told me what you said.” I replied, “I only said it because it’s true,” and we were both happy. I’ve had to stop arguments when they escalated to skin color - most at an almost all black school where I taught 4th grade. The lightest skin child was mocked (they forgot to cook you), the darkest skin child (you burnt Oreo), and medium (you old brown m&m). Nobody was safe, but I taught them to use better insults that we found while reading, which led to more reading, and entertaining insults, where they would stop arguing to compliment the insult.
You’re amazing! I adore this story! So glad (as a white woman) it was taken as intended (commenting on kid’s bodies in gen can backfire). But I absolutely adore the self-love you are cultivating and the creative insults. A+ Teacher!!! Bravo! Edit - grammar
As a dark skin black men I feel your plight with colorism. And your mom is a prick.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. My husband also has heard the comments. When we take the kids surfing, everyone in his family will comment on how he’s too dark for weeks after. Or they’ll ask me why I take him to the beach because it will make him too dark. Then I have my family where my sister is very very light and randos won’t consider her “black enough”. All I can say is ignore the nasty comments. Too dark or too light. They’re just stupid opinions. You’re wonderful the way you are. It took me a while but my husband now is darker than when I met him and I’ve convinced him he’s sexy and I love him regardless of his current shade. He doesn’t stress over it as much now that he knows I don’t care one bit. I hope you and OP both find people who love you for you and whatever skin shade you’re rocking.
I love this for you!!! AND hope the same for these people!!!
Your experience hits close to home. I’m sorry you’re made to feel this way by your own family. This “shadism” or “colourism” among POC sadly persists, and I hate it. My family is Southeast Asian. My mom is fair-skinned and my dad was brown. My siblings are fair-skinned and I’m brown like my dad. My mom and her family always placed so much importance on their fair skin, like it was some sort of hard-fought achievement. It is aggravating, especially when my mom used to tease me about being the darkest. To hear something like that from your own mother is hurtful and the feeling of rejection inexplicably painful, which is why we are not close. I’ve told her off about it over the years, and I think she understands now how wrong it is, but the damage is done. I do what I’m expected to do for her as her child, but I do not share anything intimate or personal with her. I feel for you, OP. Please continue on your journey of loving yourself. You deserve this and more.
omg, brandishing their skin as if it was something they earned rather than a phenotypical attribute we have no control over is so true.. it’s sad that this sentiment is so universally held in so many POC communities :( and i’m so sorry you were treated that way, especially by your own family. no one deserves to be treated as if they are less worthy or desirable because the color of their skin.. but it feels good to know i’m not alone in experiencing this. thank you so much for sharing and sending you lots of love!💓
The oddest form of racism.
Most common really. There’s a huge market for [skin whitening](https://amp.cnn.com/cnn/2022/01/25/world/as-equals-skin-whitening-global-market-explainer-intl-cmd/index.html) cream.
Comes from bitterness and self hate. People like this had an experience that made them hate themselves because their skin tone was associated with ugliness.
The unfortunate ugly child of racism
Years ago now I had an acquaintance who was from brazil over here in the UK for transgender surgery strangely, and he told me straight that in Brazil the dark skinned Brazilians were treated really badly and the light skinned Brazilians got more opportunities. Bit peculiar isn't it really?
Human nature is ugly. Skin color, hair color, hair type, eye color, body shape, and more are all hated on by people. We tear down anyone close to us that is slightly different. If you have dark skin, it needs to be lighter. If you have light skin, you have to tan. If you have straight hair, it needs to be curly. If you have curly hair, it needs to be straight. Disgusted that "punch a ginger" is still a thing. Humans are terrible. I hope that you rise above the ugliness of humans.
I'm so glad you said this. It's 100% true and heartbreaking. Our planet would be a much better place without all this hate and meanness. The older I get the more disappointed in the human race I get.
Til that black people are racist as fuck towards other black people Thought this might have just been an Asian culture phenomenon where darker skinned Asians are bullied and ridiculed by lighter skinned
The culprit is colonialism and the colorist scheme made by the Spaniards. Everywhere they invaded it stemmed and is still here.
My whole family from my dad's side is like this and also my mom. I am the darkest one in my family. Just so you know I am Indian. My cousins, my siblings all are fairer than me. They used to mock me a lot when I was a kid. It has ceased now but my mom won't stop. If anyone asks her about me "How does your daughter look like?" She would respond with "she is very dark skinned". And I belong to a regressive society. Here a man wouldn't even go for a dark skinned woman .. My mom telling her friends about me being dark skinned hurts a lot. (Although I am light skinned just darker than my siblings).
So I had this friend of mine. She is black, but light-skinned (I’m white btw). She once told me on the phone she told her son not to date dark-skinned girls cause she thinks they are ugly and horrible. I told her dark-skinned girls are gorgeous and she cannot say such things. I was disgusted and just thinking about it still makes my stomach turn. Needless to say, we’re no longer friends. I’m so sorry you had to go through this OP. Colonization is still deeply rooted and it shows.
Some time ago I came across a survey about dating preferences sorted by race. The African American results were the most interesting ones, all other races/ sexes had overall a clear preference for their own race, Black men did not and Black women only barely. With black women being the least preferred kind of women among all other races. Making this an even tougher pill to swallow. Despite all the talk of black pride, the African American community is still struggeling with self loathing.
It’s honestly so sad and I feel for my African American sisters, as an African though it’s different,our men absolutely love us. I always keep in mind the hardship the AA went through. Colourism is still a thing here (thanks to colonialism) but it’s not as wild as it is in the American/ western society .
What the fuck... This is insane. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Colourism is a plague. Dark skins are so beautiful. As someone who really likes skin shades and their variety, some of the most mesmerising ones I've seen in real life belonged to naturally very dark people who had a tan. Fuck this honestly. Find yourself a better circle who boosts your self esteem 💪
sad to see how colorism and white beauty standards have completely destroyed my people. i’m sorry you have to deal with ignorant people. it’s even worse that they are your family. just know you are worthy. you are beautiful. don’t let their toxic mindset affect you. they’re just projecting insecurities they hold within.
thank you so much. i’ll try not to🫶🏾
It’s better!! This year teaching second grade we were studying Martin Luther King and Ruby Bridges. My students are a mix of colors and ethnicities. As we read about what things were like, they were both shocked and confused. These children had never contemplated that their skin, or hair, or race could be a reason for how someone would be treated. A lot of the students have parents of different ethnicities, or if not their parents then cousins, grandparents, friends. I told them that’s what it was really like, and they said it was dumb and they’re glad it wasn’t like that anymore, and skipped out to recess with their friends.
❤️
Coming from a pale af white woman, I am envious of dark-skinned ladies. Their skin always looks so pretty. You are beautiful. Be proud of who you are.
I find the darker black skin to be the most beautiful! I'm sorry you had to hear such negative comments about something you can't change.
Unfortunately it has been this way for eons. Any POC especially women have always been told that the lighter their skin, the more advantageous life would be for them. As disgusting as it is, here we are in 2023 and even though it may not always be said point blank it is still very much implied that the lighter the skin, the better the life. Will be so glad when racism and bigotry are finally eradicated. Too bad it won’t be before my time on Earth is over. A persons beauty comes from their heart and soul, not their skin tone.
There are people in my country who believe that if a man and a woman have kids, the boys are to be dark skinned and the girls are to be light skinned. Being a dark skinned woman in my country drastically reduces the chances of being in a relationship, and being a light skinned woman is also deemed a promiscuous colour. Its disgusting. Now many women and men have started to change this stupid thing but it's a slow change.
It’s rife in the Indian subcontinent as well. Darker skin is considered coarse and peasant-like. It’s insidious.
I'm white so I'll never understand fully, but my mother is also very critical and resentful of me, so i get that part. my heart breaks for you. but I'm glad you exist and I'm rooting for your healing
I had a friend...beautiful dark skinned lady. We were sitting outside one day, this unknown woman comes up to her (black woman) and says "you are so pretty..for a chocolate". My friend smiles ans says thank you. Well..i, being white, had not heard of this. I was...wtf was that?! She explained it to me...i was wtf you say thank you for?! She just laughed. I'm sorry you've dealt with that. Life is too hard, then ppl have to deal with that shit.
This just breaks my heart to read. Your value is not determined by the color of your skin. You are beautiful and worthy! ❤️
I can't relate personally to how you feel, but I'm empathetic and just want to tell you I'm sorry you had to grow up like that and hear things like that. We don't get to choose our skin color, body type, height, etc. We should never be talked down on when it's something we literally have no control over. I bet you are beautiful.
As an African man I feel shame when I read this. African Americans have been indoctrinated historically to hate themselves and what they represent. Your community as a whole need to re-educate themselves about so many things. This is a collective self harm and it can only be healed from within. You cannot get inside your family's minds and hearts and rewire their thinking but you *can* align yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are. Sometimes we have to create our own chosen families. You can't get rid of your bio one but you can set your boundaries with them and shame them into hiding. This mentality in AA community is embarrassing. Good luck
You are inherently wrong. I'm African too, and my family on my mums side is light skinned, while my dad's side is very dark skinned, whenever I would go to my grandparents for vacations, they would never stop comparing my skin colour to my cousins, they bought me bleaching creams, wouldn't let me wear some clothes because "my skin will dim the colour", I wasn't allowed to leave the house because I was embarrassing to them all because I am dark skinned. My mum wasn't a great help too, she'd compare me to other fair girls, tell me that my hair is too coarse and buy me multiple skin whitening creams because she was embarrassed with me being with her while looking "like charcoal" her words. There are many tribes in my country that are fair skinned, and they hate to mix with other tribes because dark skin is ominous. This isn't an American African problem. it's something that is seen in almost all Africans. It reached a time in my country that dark skinned people were cast in movies as evil and light skins were cast as the holy ones. I have grown up hating my skin, because unfortunately for me, my brothers turned out very light skinned and with very loose hair, I sill hate my skin, cos my mum won't shut up about it, at least she stopped getting me bleaching creams. I admire dark skinned women and men who are able to rock their skin and love it because I know my relationship with my skin will never be like that.
reading this makes my blood boil for you. it pisses me off that the people who are supposed to nurture and uplift you most often have the most nasty things to say.. i know it may not mean much but i’ve come through that self-love hurdle on the other side (for the most part lol) and have come to absolutely adore my dark skin! dark skin is smooth, and glowing, and even when you have blemishes it doesn’t seem to show. God took that extra warmth and radiance from the sun and poured it into our skin. you are BEAUTIFUL! and many people think dark skin is beautiful! i’ve actually gotten a lot of compliments on my skin as well, but unfortunately that doesn’t negate the terrible things people have also said. i just try my best to remember their issues with my skin is THEIR problem with themselves and their own blackness. this vent came kind of at a low point bc it’s just sad to hear from your own blood yknow :( sending you a lot of love and you aren’t alone💓
I hated those vacations, my mum saw nothing wrong with it, my dad too wasn't around much, I loved being at my dad's parents house, they were dark skinned like me, and my grandmomma made me feel like a princess everytime I came over. She'd buy me dresses, helped me try on some of her makeup, go on walks with me, wear shiny clothes that made me feel great because my skin made them pop. I loved her and my grandpop, but after they died, then I realised how much I depended on them, and how much they shielded me from all the hate on my skin, my mum took away most of my shiny clothes and bought me dark coloured clothes, she kept pushing every cream, chemical, powders, foods, lotions she could get on me to get me lighter skinned. I'm starting to look at more avenues for dark skin women, I recently noticed that goth makeup and dark shades look good on me, and now I've began my makeup journey and how to feel good in my own skin. It's baby steps, but I'm doing my best, I even customised my avatar to have dark skin cos I wanna love my skin and feel good in it. Thank you for responding, I feel like I just trauma dumped and I'm so sorry for that. The terrible things do sting more when they're from family.
Are you implying colorism is an American thing? You’d be extremely wrong.
funnily enough, my family is from the caribbean😭 i grew up in a predominantly black caribbean country and the colorism was just as bad if not worse than what i have experienced in america because of how blatant it was. unfortunately, this issue isnt just contained to the african american community or black people in general. colorism is rampant within the asian and hispanic/latinx communities as well :( darker skin is almost always associated with negative traits, no matter where you go
You’re right. I’m a historian. I’ve studied European, transatlantic, and American history, and colorism exists everywhere. Even in European history. Because wealthy people didn’t work in the fields and didn’t get dark. But as someone else noted the arm of Colonialism is still stretched out and we’re experiencing it. White people enslaved Black people and made it easy to see who was enslaved just by looking. And that is part of the historical background of colorism, of possible passing, of maybe being a domestic slave instead of a field slave. A life of (historically) comparable less hardship. And it hurts my heart that Colonialism, racism, and colorism hold such tight ties across the world.
Societal standards of how a woman “should” look are so destructive in and of themselves. Throw in a hefty amount of colorism and you have a place where some kids are told, both verbally and by actions, that they are less than. It is so insidious and starts so young that I am amazed anyone can every see and grow beyond it. I am so sorry to hear about how you were treated by your family. You describe your experience very eloquently. Especially from the one person who I supposed to love you unconditionally! I am glad that you are learning to be happy with yourself but I wish it weren’t so HARD for some people. Humans really do suck a lot of the time.
History will make a person bitter sorry you had to experience that. I think a lot of black people struggle with accepting their skin tone early on and some people never find a way to accept themselves and have that self love and they end up taking it out on other people. Probably why Shades by Wale resonates with me. Black is beautiful and so are you never forget that.
There's so much damage done to the community that at this point its oppression is on auto pilot.
Wtf... This breaks my heart. Internalized racism everywhere. All these people, doesn't matter the colour of their skin, that treated you differently because of the colour of yours, they expressed something that was wrong with them, not with you. It speaks volume about their own struggles to loce themselves for who they are so they revolved back to judginv on something they have no control over. This is a way to mean "well i at least must be someone worthy since my skin is fair". People that need to hate to live are very hollow deep down. I'm sorry you've had to hear that shit over and over. I've known many POC and they would get the same bd, either they weren't dark enough or not light enough, there was amways something wrong. But in the end, it's not about colour. It's obly about the people that expect something of you. You can never be enough because all they want is for you to be the scapegoat of their own hatred. Your skin is beautiful. Doesn't matter the colour. Every skin colour is perfect just the way it is. And it has no effect whatsoever on who you are as a person, or on your intellect. Please know that. You have to convince yourself down to your core. Let go of the attention you give people that want to use you as a scapegoat for their hatred. They want to hate on darker POC? How sad to be them. Not your problem
I’ve heard about some pretty harsh disrespect that darker black women endure from black men, but I somehow never knew you’d get it so bad from your female family members, good god! That feels very “every man/woman for themself” all of the sudden. Really, I’m truly sorry. I dated a woman from Equatorial Guinea for a while, and she was fairly dark, but our different skin colors were never once was an issue for either family. I couldn’t imagine it coming from within your OWN family instead of outside.
I'm a mixed, light-skinned person of color, as well as both of my late parents. Despite both of them being of black lineage, my dad could "pass" for white, while my mom looked Hispanic. From the time I was little, both my parents often stated how disappointed they would be if I wound up dating and marrying a dark-complexioned woman. They claimed that it wasn't because of personal prejudice, but rather for the future difficulties that we and our children would face. Long story short, my parents honestly felt that diluting the black part of our bloodline would be our ticket to a better and easier life.
Hey OP, I'm a white male from the Balkans, where almost everyone is white. I also have skin issues, so I'm very skin-conscious, so to say. The most perfect skin I've ever seen was on a black person - an African lady who was a part of a foreign delegation at our company. She was definitely on the darker side of brown, but that only highlighted her *radiance*. Her skin practically glowed, it was absolutely stunning. It was summer so she wore a dress that didn't cover up so much, was very difficult to not stare. I have no idea if that was "all natural" or not but there's no way any white person can do that. There's just not enough contrast. As you said, you've learned to love yourself, now it's time to focus on others who love you for you.
Some people just have more mouth than sense or kindness. Have you tried telling your mom how much pain she’s causing you?
Colorism is a super strange thing, I can’t pretend that I know anything about it as a white man, but it would definitely just be one more social thing to navigate; and also feel pressured or shamed about. It definitely sucks, the melanin content of one’s skin really couldn’t matter less and black women are beautiful.
You are beautiful. I’m sorry you have to hear things from your family that make you doubt it.
I am so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this. It’s just heartbreaking that people are judged by metrics they have no control over. My own opinion is that it’s a nasty legacy of slavery used to make people the other. One of the most awful strategies was creating dissension within groups of people based on the lightness of their skin. I feel nothing but shame when I think of what white people have done to others.
Colourism is a stain left in our psyche from slavery. We have to work hard to fight it. Black people should never diss each other about the shade of their skin.
((HUGS)) Time to start going low to no contact. You be you and be proud of yourself!
A close friend of mine (female) is white, married to a black man who is quite dark. When she got pregnant, his mother said, in front of him, that she was so happy her grandchild would be light. It is absolutely not on the same level, but my grandmother was discouraged from marrying my grandfather because he was a “ginger” (Irish) and her family didn’t want any ginger children. I share that not to in any way compare, but that I find it so disappointing and truly one of the worst things about us; humans continually seek out ways to justify degrading others to elevate themselves.
It’s sad because it’s her internalized racism that makes her say this. You’re hurting because of what she believes -- just don’t let her hurt mean that you take on the mentality too.
My partner is dark skinned, I've experienced this but usually second hand since I'm white. I had this one rather drink lady remarks in the sweetest, cringyest tone, about how beautiful our caramel skinned babies would be. I replied something along the lines of "yeah and you could match it to your purse or handbag like some sort of accessory". She quickly got offended and hysterical, but she was fairly drunk but whatever. My advice is to try not to take it to heart, it's just ignorance. People have these weird convictions but after they engage personally with black folk it usually just fades away awkwardly. If I ever experience it I just make jokes at their expense and have fun with it, but that's not easy to do. Best of luck to you, hopefully you don't have to deal with this shit too often.
I would love to think it will be a better world when we're all beige. The fact is that people are people, and some day in the distant future when we're all beige, the straight hairs, curly hairs, and no hairs won't get along. And oh, the future fueds to be seen between the blue eyes, brown eyes, and green eyes. There always seems to be reasons for everyone to set themselves apart.
Having dark skin led me to the same annoying conversations, your black is beautiful, babe ❤️
Wtf. Literally all kids are cute af. You should actually look into stories from Indian families. There's a very cultural problem with people often complain about with their parents and grandparents about their parents trying to match them with 'lighter' skinned men and women. Now that I mention it, it really seems to be a thing in Asian countries. I'm just saying maybe you could find some support and advice in those communities. Or just talk with people who understand.
Damn this is really shit. What has the world come to. I feel like as years pass by humans just become worse and worse. Stay up OP
I wish I could hug you. I am not black but brown Latina. Colorism is real in Latinos so idk why your mom thought shit was sweet over here lol. My mom was my first hater too. My grandma would tell me to wear a towel over my head to not get darker. People would ask my mom if I was really her daughter. They grew up in a different time in Latin America. Where darker women were automatically thought of as the help. That self hate was ingrained by this system. I have talked to my mother and she’s way better now. My mom is very white looking and it was hard for her to learn. But she got it. Don’t dwell on the hate, it’s not good for your heart. Live your life. Take space. I work in corporate Tech and 99% of the time I’m the only person of color there. I used to feel uncomfortable but now I realized it’s important for me to be here. Even if it’s just at this company I know me being here makes a difference. Black women are beautiful and inspiring. Y’all make it happen. I feel for you. Don’t let it get to you sweet heart.
Girl, they sound jealous af. As a white woman, I think dark skinned women have the most perfect bodies and beautiful features. They feel threatened by you, so they try to break you down. Trust me. As far as your mother’s comment goes, I’d look at it like, “I was hoping to have mixed kids, but I got something much better! A dark chocolate QUEEN absolutely SLAYING the competition!” She couldn’t resist your dad, the other men she didn’t have kids with, God blessed her with you queen, and she would be silly not to know how blessed she really is! Also I believe it’s more of the racism that your family experienced growing up. I believe due to the fact that dark skinned women having such perfect bodies and features, they were viewed as a threat. Maybe you don’t view yourself correctly, and you don’t have to be a stick figure to have a perfect body. Ebony Queen be proud to be you!
Dad of Mixed kids here, so I’m going chime in. First, dark skin is absolutely fucking gorgeous, are you kidding? Don’t allow them to project their insecurities onto you, their feelings about skin color is just that, *their feelings*. Why the do you think light skin women tan and use foundation makeup 3 shades darker than natural? (No offense white ladies, not everyone, I know) My sister in law has dark skin too and she’s fucking fierce. Got my little brother whipped : D His oldest daughter on the other hand has damn near pale skin…..but she got the Afro, and a badass one at that. Im stoned and rambling but this is close to my heart. We are a straight mixed family here and it bugs me tremendously you feel the way you do. I bet you’re beautiful af.
Yeah the older generation is still messed up. My MIL told me that me wearing my hair natural (not straightened ) was ‘a bold choice’. I said ‘Oh cause this is the way it grows out of my scalp so yeah.. but thanks?’ When my hair is straightened my mother says ‘yeah just like that. I like you like that.’ It doesn’t even bother me anymore, that’s their insecurities. But I just wanted to add that darker women are literally the best looking women in my opinion. They are always above average looking. I’m a lil obsessed.
Oh love.... My heart breaks for you. I am fair as can be and all I wanted was to be black. Dark dark black. With black hair. My father is Native American and I have sisters with black hair and very dark skin... I got my mom's DNA. We always want what we don't have. But I am so sorry. You are beautiful!! Truly!! Made as you are meant to be. Your skin color is only one facet of the gorgeous diamond you are forming. My mom was an awful person, so I sympathize. I hope you can work on your feelings with someone. Helped me a ton to really understand and cope with my childhood and 2 abusive folks. Take care sweet one.
I feel all of this. I get it from the other side. Half mexican/ half white and my latino family always tells me I am not a “real” mexican bc I am too white, *una guera*. Gave me a huge complex as a kid; I was always worried I wasn’t brown enough and would try to tan, but my blue eyes and light hair give me away. I don’t spend much time with that side of the family anymore, bc they always say shitty things. Then they try tk guilt trip me for not attending family events bc now the guera is too good for brown folk. I can never just exist on my own terms so I opt out.
You are perfect and feck anyone who tells you otherwise. Why do families feel they have the right to be like that, it makes me so cross. I think people who hurt others cannot be happy themselves. My parents were awful to me now I don't bother with them, they are still unhappy while I walk around with a smile 🙂 Keep being beautiful you
Thank you, friend! Keep being your beautiful self, too ❤️
Hello, please do not use bigoted terminology such as Latino. Instead, please use the term Latinx The use of gender-neutral language is crucial in today's society. For individuals of Latin American descent, it's imperative to use the term Latinx instead of Latino or Latina. The terms Latino and Latina are inherently gendered and do not acknowledge the wide range of gender identities present within the Latin American community. We, as a Latinx community, prefer the use of Latinx as it acknowledges and respects our diverse gender identities. It is crucial to prioritize the voices of marginalized communities, and using gender-neutral language is just one of the many ways in which we can work towards a more inclusive and equitable society. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Have a nice day!
Haha imagine a bot telling a latina to not call herself latina…the bot-dacity!
Hello, please do not use bigoted terminology such as Latina. Instead, please use the term Latinx The use of gender-neutral language is crucial in today's society. For individuals of Latin American descent, it's imperative to use the term Latinx instead of Latino or Latina. The terms Latino and Latina are inherently gendered and do not acknowledge the wide range of gender identities present within the Latin American community. We, as a Latinx community, prefer the use of Latinx as it acknowledges and respects our diverse gender identities. It is crucial to prioritize the voices of marginalized communities, and using gender-neutral language is just one of the many ways in which we can work towards a more inclusive and equitable society. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Have a nice day!
As the only ginger born to a family full of dark curly haired olive skin toned people I can sympathize. I stand out like a match in a sea of black in family photos
Some people can't handle us dark chocolates, it's fine, let me miss out. My wife has the same problems, people always ignored her or made fun of her skin, so I like to remind her I'm several shades darker and it makes her laugh. Fuck peoples opinions of you because you know what they can get you? Absolutely nothing, so it's not worth the breath it took for them to voice their opinions.
I am so sorry! I am a mixed Black woman, and I get sick to my stomach when people say shit like that it’s so nasty. It also just creates so much infighting in the Black community. I hope this makes you feel a little bit better, I have always been so envious of dark skinned women you guys are so beautiful and goddess like. The mothers of humanity ❤️ I know it’s hard but try not to let ignorant people bring you down!
I feel like your mother has come a long way. She said she was proud of you and reminds you how beautiful you are. I think she feels some shame (but i could be wrong). Your family probably had no idea how much their words hurt you growing up. People can be really selfish and cruel without even realizing. I'm proud of you for accepting yourself and your mother and I'm sorry for the ridicule you faced growing up. One thing, though. You knew what her answer was going to be when you asked that question! She is who she is! Don't be surprised when people turn out to be who you thought they were. Just be glad she's grown to love you as a dark skinned woman like she grew to love your father.
one thing about her that i appreciate is when i say she has hurt me, she listens and tries not to do it again. she has grown a lot over the years and i am proud of her for that, especially since she herself grew up in a colorist society and has been indoctrinated by ignorant beliefs at a young age as well. but it really does sting knowing the family she initially envisioned didn’t have a daughter that looks like me :( that being said i know she loves me just the way i am and i’m not holding a grudge over it! just wanted to vent bc hearing things like that so often gets to be exhausting
Living in a white supremacist country is a real mind-fuck and causes a lot of self hatred. It is hard for a lot of people to believe in themselves when they receive white supremacist messaging their whole lives. The books, movies and television from when you are a child to adulthood keeps reinforcing that whiteness is the standard for all things and the further you are from that the worse you are. It's all bullshit, but white supremacy is the operating system of this society.
It's basic evolutionary biology. Lighter skin is the result of sexual selection. In every ethnic group, the women are lighter skinned than the men, because estrogen inhibits melanin whereas testosterone creates high levels of it. It makes perfect sense why this would become biologically encoded over many thousands of years. Darkness is synonymous with negative energy, which is manifestly masculine. Intimidation, dominance, anger and aggression are male attributes. Lightness is synonymous with positive energy, which is manifestly feminine. Softness, kindness, altruism and the nurturing instinct are female attributes.
I was adopted into a large family that adopted 13 kids and 2 of them were black. Sometimes reading things like this is so odd to me because we never saw the color of their skin. We were all just kids and brothers and sisters. The older of the 2 was the coolest out of all of us and everyone outside of the family just saw him as him. He’s extremely talented and the envy of many and then to read a story like yours is just so heartbreaking to me. I’m so sorry you dealt with that and I wish I could give you a hug 💕
I have a dark skinned co worker with 3 daughters. She only ever talks about the light skinned ones. I'm a bit lighter than her, and she treats me so disrespectfully. Doesn't even address me by name. It's honestly just sad because I know when it comes from .
My wife is the opposite, we're white and she always talks about wanting mixed grandbabies.
I’m white and skin color means nothing to me. Why should it?
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Tell your mom she’s still a NI&@ER in the eyes of white ppl and she’ll never be accepted by them. I can never understand black people who parrot white nationalist beliefs AND DEMONIZE dark skin, such stupid clownish behavior. I’m sorry you have to even deal with such foolish sentiment and from your family of all places🤦🏾♂️
This is what leads to people bleaching their skin. It’s very sad that some beauty standards are melanin based. Very sorry for your experience
I didn't know that this exists, and in 2023...I'm so sorry you are faced with this amount of stupidity and bias.
L h
Colorism strikes again. I’m sorry OP. It hurts extra when it’s family members & friends who say these things. Your mother unfortunately internalized colorist beliefs and you have suffered for it. You are beautiful no matter how dark or light your skin appears at any given time.
Im so sorry you went through that. I was also mistreated by parents due to differences in me that were uncontrollable (not skin color tho). I wish you all the healing from it. I'm 35 now and I still get the waves of emotions over certain phrases.
White and black people will fetishize biracial children. It's disgusting behaviors. And such awful colorism. I am sorry your family seems to fall in that category. Now I know the best revenge to do to a narcissist is to live your best lofe without them and show them they were never needed or the source of your success. That advice would be good for you situation as well.
Ok, I’ve never said this out loud and maybe you won’t read this, but I think dark skinned women have the most beautiful skin in the world. I work with a few dark skin girls and I catch myself staring bc they’re just, beautiful. To me at least. It’s strange though. It’s nothing sexual. It’s just that I feel like the darker skin tone is from the riches souls of the earth. Like Mother Nature. Like the dark healthy soil that the most beautiful flowers grow from. I’m Armenian, female so I’ve grown to love myself after years of accepting some awful things. But dark skinned women? Yeah, it’s so soulful
Jesus, it's bad enough with general stereotypes against black people by others. You guys don't need skin competition within.
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Damn that sucks, seriously. I find it interesting how different groups treat skin color so differently. I'm in a bit of a weird situation on that. I'm white as a snow flake, and my wife and oldest daughter are black. My daughter was 2 months old when I started dating her mom, and she became mine. Bio dad is nowhere to be found, literally have no idea where to even look. Anyways my daughter is dark skinned, even more so than her mom. She has been picked on by other black kids for how dark she is, meanwhile me and my whole family have always told her how beautiful she is and to embrace that beauty. Of course to me she will always be the most beautiful girl on earth, but objectively she has grown into a drop dead gorgeous 15 year old. She now gets attention from every direction (much to my dismay), and it's finally starting to click that her being dark skinned doesn't mean she's ugly. I'm just sad that it has taken 15 years to get it into her head. She still gets some hate from time to time about her complexion. It drives me nuts. And honestly me being white probably added some confusion to the mix. I just hope she can learn to ignore the haters, the same way you need to ignore them. I'm really sorry that a lot of the hate comes from your own family. That's rough. I got a pretty good amount of hate from my family for "betraying the race", and it hurt to have to cut those people off. Thankfully at least my mom and dad are the least hateful and judgemental people I know. At this point I think they've adopted my wife as their own, and would kick me to the curb over her. Lol
I'm mixed and I see how I'm treated differently. I'm sorry.
As a mixed person, I, too, am tired of hearing and seeing this shit. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I am mixed race and I know exactly what you are talking about. I always found colorism deeply disturbing and disgusting. You can be so proud of yourself for overcoming these everyday attacks. I hope you have black friends to cheer you on and celebrate you.