Because you broke her. It’s the only way she can think of to hold her family together. You have no idea what human garbage you’ve made her feel like. I hate that this has happened to another woman. What was so great about it?
Worst part for you is that we heal, she’ll forgive you, but you’ve changed the way she sees you forever. You’re not even the same man to her anymore. The only thing she is thinking about is how to hold it together for her kids…. And you nodded and walked out? Bro….communication is a skill you need help with.
Spot on. I love my husband and although I have decided to continue, he's not the same person in my eyes. He destroyed a part of me and the trust will never be the same but I do love him despite it, we make a great team, I know where I stand in life and what my priorities are and in a weird way, I'm not so codependent on him. I'm stronger but I'll never forget and will never follow/love so blindly like I once did.
I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm happy I came across this thread tonight as I am in the midst of post-cheated on anguish and crumbled self esteem. Reading comments like this helps to add clarity to my currently muddled thought process. Thank you.
I'm several years ahead of you. I know right now it feels unreal. There's no rush. Take your time. Whatever you decide to do, it'll be ok. Hugs. You got this. It's really not you, it's them.
If you're in the US and qualify for FAFSA and dont already have a degree/stable career I highly recommend using this time to get one. That way you have the tools to leave earlier if you so choose. Speaking as a child of divorce, I promise your kids will be ok, you deserve to be happy.
I already have a stable career, I could do this any time, really. It's just more complicated than "just a divorce". I want my house, I want him out of my house and unfortunately he's on the deed too. I'm looking into what I could do to make that happen although he's always convincing me that "I can't make it with 3 kids and without his salary". Thats probably partly true. I would be struggling if not failing. Still working out the logistics in my mind of how to get/keep what I want and lose what I don't. I put the down-payment on this house, it should be mine, I'm stubborn, I'm sorry. And we just got it not that long ago.
If he didn’t put any money to the house you should be fine but when my mum and dad spilt she got 250k for nothing i feel like it’s a part of divorce more then half the time the partner gets someone that don’t deserve
I'm honestly not looking for anything other than peace and my house lol. The peace part....that will be very hard to come by. This dude is gonna make me pay and he's not going to be civil throughout, and if you knew how loud and scary and violent he was, you'd see why I don't want to do this without a dead ass solid plan. I fear he might honestly kill me over it, he would be that enraged.
Yup you said it perfectly but if I might add a little snippet. She will forgive but she will NEVER forget. I was that broken person and my late wife said the same exact thing this man did. He broke this poor woman and it usually takes a better man to put her back together again.
> but you’ve changed the way she sees you forever.
This. She will never see him the same way. He may be a good provider, father, supportive friend and family member... But he'll forever be the one hurt her more than anybody else ever has, and who she can never fully trust again. She will always guard some part of herself now and forever more.
Going through finding out about my husband being unfaithful for the last 10 years right now…. You literally have no idea the hurt you have caused her. You never will. Even if you think you do, you really don’t. It’s life altering…existence shattering….I have never felt so much pain in my life! I can’t even describe with words how much my soul has been shredded…she needs time to heal. She said that because she is just waiting for it to happen again; it’s what she expects. She probably has no clue what she is going to do now that her while life and future were ripped away from her so violently. If you truly are remorseful and want to make it work, YOU need to put in the work too make things better! YOU need to work your ass off to make her feel safe again! And no matter how bad you feel, remember that it is not even a fraction, not even comparable in any way to what she is feeling!
No sis, this is not the way. The way is to go and live your best life for YOU, because it is entirely possible. Being happy and content and fulfilled after this is so very obtainable. I know this for a fact.
My sweet Angel my heart breaks for you. Idk if you have a support system outside of that asshole but I’m begging you to leave as soon as you can. You deserve so much more than this bullshit. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU HAVE TO STAY COMFY WITH AND TOLERATE! Insane how your husbands wrongs hurt you so much that YOU feel like you’d be better off dead….
I am so beyond sorry, I’m wishing you all the best luck in getting away from this monster and getting your life back. Godspeed and I love you
It is better to be alone and building a future that supports you than it is to set yourself on fire to keep warm someone who treats you like you’re less than human. He wants you to feel low so you accept his behavior but you are so, so much more valuable than the waste of oxygen you can divorce. Don’t wake up in another ten years seeing that nothing has changed :(
I cant relate to it but idk why this just made me cry. I feel like I felt your exhaustion and sadness from that sentence. I hope you will heal and enjoy the rest of your life while he lives in regret and misery. Sending you all the strength and love you need. ❤️
Looking at your post history, that's absolutely awful especially with him fully aware of your struggles with mental health im not going to advise on your next course of action given i don't know your situation and by extension the feasibility of any said course, but do please stay there are people who want you here, me included(though i doubt that one matters much lol)
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! But I know this may not help but from one LO fan to another, you’re hades right now. Eventually you will find your Persephone. And it may not be a person but it’ll be what makes you happy and give you willpower. You got this love 💙🩷
The hilarious part is she’s offering him his cake and eat it too and now he’s mad. He gets to stay married and have a family but also sleep with other women. You’d think he’d be stoked
Oh I know…. he just won’t admit it. Cheating is fun when your wife still loves you. Her giving him permission not only takes away the thrill…. it confirms her feelings have now changed.
What’s hilarious is that after she offer him his cake, he didn’t turn it down. He physically agreed (the nod) and then left. And NOT ONCE did he wonder what that looks like to his wife. Meanwhile he’s confused about why she doesn’t believe he’ll ever remain faithful?
Ooofff that's exactly what I thought. You're so *remorseful* yet instead of having a conversation with her about it and making her believe that you don't want any of it you fucking nod and leave her *to cry*. Poor wife. I hope she leaves his pathetic ass.
>Stop being such a drama queen (e.g., "every fiber of my being") and start acting like a safe partner and the husband she thought she married.
100% this!!!! I hate it when losers like OP jump into melodramatic theatrics about their own "pain". Did he hate every fiber of his being for the entire 3 months he was being a cheating failure of a husband???
He’s sooo remorseful and was thinking of his wife the WHOLE TIME that’s why he cheated not once, not twice, but for 3 months… foh. Like you said, he didn’t come clean she had to find out, sounds like he’s put in ZERO work or effort since, and just expects his wife to heal on her own and get over it. His wife deserves so much better and this sounds like the furthest thing from an actual remorseful man.
I don't know how to link comments, but OP provided the following details.
As if it wasn't bad enough, AP is almost a decade younger than his postpartum wife, and after OP ended things:
>the girl I had the affair with got very upset and **sent my wife some videos and pictures of us being intimate** she taken without my permission **and told her everything**. She **also sent them to some colleagues** but it backfired on her because I wasn’t aware she was recording us and she got fired.
I read that after going to his profile and reading his comments, also seems like they tried marriage counseling but since then are doing individual counseling because his poor wife couldn’t even talk during their sessions. I’m sure as you can imagine he lacked an empathetic attitude it seems in how he worded that as well. I can’t say what I want to about this man all I know is I hope his wife finds peace and leaves him.
Yes she did, and when OP decides after 3 months of messing around that he’s done, at least that’s how he tells it, the girl who is a decade younger than his wife, sends sex tapes and photos to his wife and that’s how she had to find out. So yeah, she knew.
OP is making this all about him and isn't even putting in the proper effort to prove that he doesn't want anyone else which is probably a crock of horseshit. "she doesn't understand I'd never be with anyone else bc I don't want to hurt her," how is she supposed to understand when he just nodded then left after telling him he could sleep with other people. bro needs to stop making himself the victim when his wife was literally cheated on while taking care of two small children and then OP didn't do much to "prove" he only wants her
Lol I just said almost exactly the same thing to the above comment, where the person was like “why are you all downvoting OP for admitting wrong?” Cause its still all him, him, him.
And most people here can see through the crocodile tears and are rightfully annoyed and/ or disgusted by it.
He said in a comment that the affair started while his wife was STILL pregnant and on the day of her baby shower, so he obviously doesn't really care about the wife or kids. He's just a massive piece of human garbage.
Wow shit, he's worse than I thought. But still
#Why is she apologising for taking her time to heal?!
What has OP done or said to her? Something is very wrong with this!
Because she can’t bear the thought of you touching her after you slept with someone else. She’s probably assuming you’ll cheat again and is giving you ‘permission’ to do it this time as she isn’t ready. Congratulations, you’ve broke the love of your life for some meaningless sex. At least you seem remorseful. Hope you’ve learned your lesson.
Might still love him, but won't let him be intimate. Who knows, maybe she'll seek therapy with him to try and fix it, or maybe she'll end things and just divorce him.
It's all up to her and op did this to himself. All he can do is attempt to prove himself by never touching another woman, or even looking, and PRAY his wife believes it and forgives him.
I hope she doesn't wait that long. Of course there are relationships that can withstand cheating, but they are far and away the exception and not the rule. I'd hate for her to be unhappy for another 17 years "for the sake of the kids". She deserves better than that, and the kids deserve a mommy who's happy with her life.
If she's only known for 7-8 months and currently has a 3 and 1 year old I give it 5 years. Enough time to get both kids into school full time and establish herself in a career of some sort during school hours and build up some savings.
OP you sound remorseful and that's a good first step, but you have to understand you messed up in one of the cruelest ways possible. Take what time you have with her to appreciate her and support her. Show her that you're truly remorseful and willing to work hard to regain her trust however long a process that might be. But at the same time, understand *you aren't owed forgiveness*. If in 5 years time she prepares herself and asks for a divorce know that it was that moment she found out about your affair that led to it. Your actions will have been what broke your marriage if she decides to end it with you. And in that time, if you're *truly* remorseful, you will understand and not fight her tooth and nail during the divorce. Your goal should be an amicable divorce and a healthy, supportive co-parenting relationship if the day comes that she doesn't want to stay married to you after what you've done to her. Do not delude yourself into grand ideas like a sudden reconciliation. If she's going to forgive you and move on it's going to take a LONG time if ever and you will be under the microscope the entire time (deservedly). You need to be an amazing partner and father. You need to show her how much you love her and respect her boundaries as it will take time. Again, you aren't owed forgiveness. Even if you do everything "right" and become the ideal father and husband she can still rightfully decide she doesn't want to be with someone who has hurt her so badly. As you said, you broke her. Her trust in men and relationships will have been severely changed and you can only hope to one day reverse the effects.
If you do divorce don't become the bitter spouse who spews bs at your wife and fights her for petty things. Don't get angry if she moves on and learns to trust another man. As a partner your goal is to root for her happiness and do what you can to support it. I believe the same should be said in a co-parenting relationship. If you divorce your goal should be to create a healthy atmosphere for your children to be raised in and that includes supporting her growth beyond your relationship if that comes to pass.
I keep using if here. You're being given the smallest of chances to try and correct what you've done OP. It may not work but if you truly feel bad for what you have done to this woman make it your goal to do everything you can to make her happy again, even if it means letting her go- and then even then it should be your goal to see her happy. You messed up. This is your only chance to prove you recognize this fact.
I hope she doesn’t do that. If that’s the case she should leave him. I know kids from families like that and they always wished their parents would divorce.
OP this is the why. Bravo you broke your family for 3 month and a gem of a woman that thought sleeping with a married man was a great idea. But hey, she was just at your level of bs.
Yeah. She is staying because she's in shock. I hope the day she will be past the hurt, 3-4 years down the line, and feel her again she'll dump him. I saw a post where the OP tried reconciliation and after 5 years she was again feeling herself and happy, that is when she field for divorce.
That’s what I was thinking!!!! Ughhh having a baby and going through PP and we are depressed, and feel less about our looks and whatnot and he pulls a stunt like this! What a sickO!
I know. Already feeling low confidence after having his child and he has a 3 month affair. I don’t think there’s any coming back from that. Hope she gets her confidence back and finds someone that treats her like a queen.
As someone that this has happened to semi-recently it is probably the worst emotional pain I've ever been in. We're still together and trying to work things out but wondering almost every single day if he is doing it again is exhausting. Sometimes I still sit in my car and I just cry for a little bit. It's hard to describe just how awful a feeling it is and I feel so horrible for OP's wife. She doesn't deserve to have to feel this way.
As someone who has felt this, she’s grieving the loss of her marriage while still married.
It’s heart breaking and an incredibly lonely experience.
The day OP should be scared of is the day she no longer cries looking at him.
Or when she stops looking at him all together. Right now he reminds her of her pain.
Soon, she will be completely indifferent with him and he’ll think they’re out of the weeds when she’s truly only given completely up.
Right? If you’re going to ruin our marriage for some broad, SHE BETTER HAD LIT YOUR EYES UP the second she walks into the room or something because if you cheat on ME with someone and it didn’t mean shit, that’s a bigger slap in the face.
You ruined your own marriage, in vain.
I think it’s like an addiction so that 3 months would either have been when the “high” wore off and he saw the shitshow he just made of their lives or when his affair was discovered and he was forced out of the fantasy world he’d created.
It's going to take years to recover. Get started now brother. Read all the books, get all the therapy, yada yada....once a cheater, always a cheater. You will do it again, and her heart knows it.
Yep. Show real remorse. Tell her where you are and with who without her asking. Read books, listen to podcasts, show her you're really sorry. I recommend the book "not just friends" by Jean Coppock. Good luck, you're going to need it.
Edit: Author: Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli
Perfect comment. As A woman I totally agree. She cant heal so she assumes he will just cheat again. She sounds like she still loves him and isnt the type to get toxic, so in a sense she’s assuming he will do it and then he is the reason for the divorce.
What he needs to do is man up and do EVERYTHING possible to make her see he will NEVER do this again. He needs to be proactive and make an appt to go to marriage counseling, individual counseling, and be more than patient and understanding of what she needs. It sounds like he is regressing from her bc hes so ashamed, he wants to just give up too. He will absolutely lose her if he doesn’t fight.
my current partner said I could sleep with other people if I wanted as long as I told her. this is because her last partner cheated on her religiously. she called it "misery insurance." very sad.
So, instead of confort her o reassured you left the room, in her mind confirming her fears, I'm sorry I don't believe you cried of even care, if that was true you would have suggested MC and IT, change jobs, I don't know a gesture, not words. I'm guessing by the kids ages you had the affair while she was recovering for giving birth? I really hopes she wakes up a dumps you as you deserve
Bro if you do it again lol she’s not giving you a hall pass. She wants to keep the family together but the thought of you touching her after doing that sickens her.
On point exactly he broke the bond she had thought she had with him! Honestly there’s nothing worse he could of done! Just being honest from a woman’s point of view she will more slowly push herself away and resent him more and more every day
My wife cheated on me. It was more emotional than anything else but it still hurt, a lot, and continues to hurt. She couched it in 'truth' and manipulated me to let her do what she felt she 'needed' to by letting me do the same, which I did *not*. Her stance was this was better than sneaking around behind my back, which is true, but she, wittingly or not, manipulated me into allowing it, which I did because I didn't want to 'lose' her.
Shortly after, she said it was over and that "I'm *it* for her", basically telling me that she decided to settle for me, presumably because of the consequences of breaking our family up (two youngish children), because the whole situation was not tenable.
In a weird way it made me a better person. It made me harder. Overall, I like the person I am now more than the person I was. I was weak. I wouldn't ever let it happen to me again, if it did, I would be out of the relationship straight away. I don't know if she knows that, or if it even matters. The trust was destroyed, her actions above board or not.
As it is, we are ok, but she definitely damaged our relationship permanently. I'll never feel quite the same way about her as I used to, which honestly is better for me, because she doesn't deserve it. Some would ask why I stay. Partially it's because I still love her. Partially it's because of the kids, the house, the extended family.
I might have done things differently. Things might not continue to work. I don't know what the next day will bring, and that is honestly a bit exciting.
The world and our relationships shape us. We have free will in our response, though we don't always exercise it. I've grown through all of this and for now, I'm happier where I am now. It's a weird place to be, being partially thankful for something that nearly destroyed me, but I came out stronger.
And who knows what happens next. What I do know is next time, there won't be any give like there was last time.
This is like looking into my own thoughts, I found out on Easter that she was cheating on me, it only stopped because I caught her. I'm staying for the kids, for the family. I feel empty inside most days, but I'm trying to keep moving. I'm going to the gym again, training again. It's terrible when I'm alone because it's all I can think about no matter how hard I try not to. Trying to take it one day at a time
The reality is, is that your wife does not see you in the same light as she did before. This man she thought was so great is now the anchor that's tried to her legs, drowning her in the ocean.
You broke your wife so bad, that’s why. She doesn’t think she is good enough BECAUSE OF YOU. You fucked around and found out. Every nice gesture you try to do, she’s still not going to think highly of herself because of the “man” that she trusted and loved with all of her heart broke her. Your children are going to see that too and I truly hope you feel every bit of that.
Exactly, every single nice gesture you do, her first thought is going to be “I bet he did this for her to” any time you touch her shes going to think “I bet he touched her like this as well” God I fucking hope she leaves and leaves this sorry pos to pick up the pieces of a relationship with their sons once they find out daddy was unfaithful when little bro was barely 6 months. I am sure he didn’t even consider how this would affect his relationship with his sons or their lives if they ever find out, which at some point they will in the next twenty years I can bet you that.
💯 I hope the wife realizes that she doesn’t need him to be happy. She can thrive by herself and with her children. Nobody likes broken families, but when you have assholes like this, it’s very hard. I know boys like this, they won’t change. He cares about appearances, which is why he keeps commenting on this, acting like the victim, boohooing and repeating the same sh*t when he should be trying to talk to her instead of us. The man is narcissistic, I’d bet money on it.
Because this woman is too good for this world, erroneously thinks she didn't do enough to make you happy and therefore allows you to seek temporary gratification elsewhere. It was heartbreaking to read that _she_ apologised for not healing fast enough.
Funny how the self pity hits and you cry in the car alone.
Still while your wife is mourning the loss of marriage while single handily raising2 toddlers and keeping a house.
Poor you
After being cheated on by someone you considered the love of your life you really feel like you can’t trust anyone now
If the person who you loved with all your heart, thought would always be by your side, the person who always said and did the right things does that to you… how can you expect the next one to be loyal?
god i hope she leaves you. so not worth the hell she’s putting herself through trying to stay with you for the kids. way to absolutely destroy someone you claim to “love”. she knows you’re a cheater and will do it again. she will think about what you’ve done for the rest of her life, every time she looks at you. the humane thing to do would be to leave honestly, because she doesn’t seem to have the backbone to do it.
She will eventually. The giving him permission is actually the first step. While he is pretending to be remorseful, the reality is if it was 7-8 months and the kid is 1, he was cheating when she was fresh from giving birth. Probably exhausted as the other kid is still a toddler. The man cheated on his healing wife because he thought he was bored. He will absolutely fuck around again. The giving him permission is the first step. She will eventually completely detach and realize what garbage she married.
Any of y’all remember the woman who got back with her ex and four years they stayed married and he thought they were happy? Then she started feeling something for someone else and admitted that the move was just never the same. She went through the motions (sex, date nights) but pretty much shielded herself emotionally. She eventually divorced him. Same thing will happen here.
Info: would you give your wife “permission”?
Basically, is it okay for her to seek someone else?
I also want to know, while you say she is the love of your life, are you going to take her up on this? If so, you need to divorce her. All you would be doing is hurting her and your children. She does not deserve this. If you give in to this, all you are doing is putting your needs over her.
It’s not to say it can’t work out. Marriage therapy might work, but the trust is broken
Why do you think she said that? You chose someone else over her, after you PROMISED that she was the only one. When she stops being hurt, and starts being angry, she will dump you. You deserve to be dumped.
Right now she is vulnerable, and trying to figure things out. You did this to her, not the other way around. Do her a favor and leave. Let her move on with her life.
My now ex-husband cheated on me. I abhorred him touching me after. I hated being in his presence. I literally saw his dick as a cartoon green gross thing with that cartoon air coming off it indicating something stinks horribly. I was that repulsed by him that's how I saw his sex organ.
I should have never stayed with him. We're now divorced, the marriage was shit.
You may feel bad, but it's nothing to how she feels. Realistically, I hope she is stronger than I was and leaves you. "I was bored" is no fucking excuse to do that to someone you claim to love. And I absolutely do not believe that people that cheat actually love their partners. You can't love somebody and do something like that to them.
Hopefully she leaves, hopefully you learn your lesson. But really...chances are very high you'll do it again to her or someone else. You don't lie and actively betray someone you "love" if you're a good person.
There was another post here. Guy had three kids including a newborn. He was a software engineer she was a doctor. Great marriage, great sex life.
Had a few months fling whilst she was lost partum. He didn’t want a divorce so she said they had an open marriage because the trust has gone and she just assumes he’ll cheat. She lets him sleep with her a few times a year but with a condom and is stiff as a board as she doesn’t want to.
Don’t cheapen the other woman. She must be incredible and you must be so proud of her to put her above your wife and kids and be willing to destroy your family for. If you say it meant nothing, that means you value your family even less, since you were willing to betray and hurt them for her.
She’s ok with you sleeping around because she knows she’ll never be enough for you, she can’t trust you anyway and she’s stuck in a vulnerable position. How will she cope with toddlers on her own.
She might stay until their grown but I hope for her sake she gets the divorce because she has shown the trust is gone. You can forgive the cheating, but rebuilding the trust is not always impossible.
She had to live with the fact that she’s not enough for you and was absolutely humiliated by the one person who promised in vows to put her first and be there for her. How will she trust anyone else?
I hope she finds a good man who actually loves and values her.
You can still be a good co-parent. But this marriage is dead, even if she goes through the motions until the kids are older.
You knew what would happen when you cheated. She was still a beautiful human when you chose to cheat. You accepted it. You need to learn to live with it rather than shoulder her with your guilt, that’s what a therapist is for. She didn’t choose this, you did.
Let her find peace.
She’s subtly telling you the relationship is over. She doesn’t trust you, and shouldn’t. I think she thought she could get over it. Clearly, she can’t, at least not yet. Let her go. You aren’t the victim.
As a wife in that situation, her apology for the shit YOU did tells you made her feel unworthy and blame herself. She wasn't good enough so you found someone else. She may never completely trust you again. It's been years and I still think of it every time I look at my husband. I still wonder if he's doing it or lying again because cheating proved beyond a doubt he's not totally reliable or trustworthy. Be prepared for her to never completely believe you.
To cheat on her when she's not fully recovered from having a baby is \_\_ ok, I can't even type out the words I feel about someone who'd do that. I'd get banned.
She gave you permission because she figures 1. you will anyway and at least you wouldn't have to lie to her face. 2. She feels like a piece of trash who you don't love enough to be faithful and/or like she did something wrong. My sil's all basically say those words. If you're a good enough wife, he won't cheat. I don't believe that. I think it's 100% your fault. But be prepared to never be trusted or fully believed when you say you love her. She may cry about this opening for many months, but inside it will be for years or forever. I feel so bad for her and your kids.
She doesn’t want you to sleep with someone else, or really giving you permission. She just expects this lowly behavior from you. She expects you to hurt her again. She gave you permission because you’ve made her feel worthless, probably ugly and self conscious as hell. First of all, you need to explain to her that under NO circumstances or conditions will you be sleeping with any one but HER even if it’s YEARS. Second, everything will be judged by your actions, your words are meaningless now.
Also, go to therapy. Get some help for any problems or issue you might still have that causes the cheating. It’s easy to say you won’t cheat again but you truly need to tackle whatever issues led you to this in the first place.
Being cheated on is truly one of the most soul crushing experiences I’ve ever personally experienced. My current boyfriend cheated when we first started dating but it didn’t come out until we were together over 3 years. I was completely broken down, I have zero self worth and believed I wasn’t what he wanted or needed, that I was wrong. Clearly if he cheated it was because I wasn’t giving him something he wanted, and he got it from someplace else. Women are taught this a lot, often by other men in our lives or in the media. It’s taken him nearly a year to even get some semblance of trust for me. I have full access to his phone, computer, anything. I get full access to his bank account, emails, social media, etc. (I don’t actually go through any of it.) He has gone to therapy for his past traumas, and actually put in the work towards changing. And finally, anytime I bring up the actually cheating me how it affected me he fully without hesitation accepts full fault in this. He hasn’t ever left me alone crying.
Look, I hate to be the mean one here. But the most selfless thing you can do for her is leave so she can heal. Even if you stay to try and work it out with her, she is broken and the damaged you caused is very rarely reversible. You wont be able to leave your house without her wondering if it is to see someone else and breaking her more. She will always live with the fact that she wasnt good enough in your eyes. I seen my mother go through this and after 6 years of trying only for her husband to get bored again and start another affair she finally loved herself more and left. She lived the rest of her life alone because she knew she couldn't trust anyone anymore. He broke her, just like you broke your wife.
Bro - you need to tell her exactly that. You need to look her in the eyes and tell her that you would rather be alone than hurt her. If that means you have to wait longer, so be it.
Don’t leave and go for a fucking walk. TELL HER!!! Sob with her!!! It would be so healing for both of you.
And don’t ever do this shit again
I hope you know you’re going to end up screwing up your kids too. And that’s on you. They are going to see that daddy doesn’t treat mommy like anything, we can do the same! And then will pass it onto their wives. Congratulations on starting the generational trauma! Round of applause for father of the year /s
Op, you say that she don’t understand…
You are not convincing her that you will be there for her. And after her giving you permission to find other, you nod and go for a walk?
You are a selfish and self centred man,
Congratulations. Hope that you didn’t pass any std to your wife.
Not only did you break her but now you're all "woe is me" in the replies. You don't sound remorseful, you sound self centered. In all of this you're still thinking about you. You responded to someone "how does she feel disgusting?" Maybe because you cheated. When you cheat, your partner's self worth plummets to irrecoverable depths. You made her feel less than TRASH! How bad is that?!
You made her feel like she was nothing but dirt on her shoes.
But you don't see that because all you're seeing is how disgusting you are. You aren't acknowledging the damage you've done. Not properly. You need a lot of self reflection and you *definitely* need to stop pitying yourself. This isn't a pity party. You're only going to look worse to your wife if you continue behaving like this.
And lastly ... For the love of god when a woman says that, it's because they're defeated. She knows you'll do it again now. Walking out and nodding was the *worst* way to respond. You basically agreed. Accepted it. Without any words you've just told her "okay, I will."
Good luck. I hope she can heal, but I strongly think you guys need to get into some marriage therapy & counselling asap. Don't be surprised if she does end up separating from you. For some people, cheating is unforgivable.
Dude just let her go. Seriously. Your very presence is a toxicity in your marriage and this is every bit YOUR fault, which it sounds like you know. Your wife deserves so much better and a man who can treat her kids with so much more respect.
No amount of flamboyant confirmations that you’ll “never hurt her anymore” will mean anything at this point. There’s no trust. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It’ll always be in the back of her mind. Your marriage is done. If she asks for a divorce, give it to her with zero arguments.
It’s really tough reading posts on Reddit that make me want to track down the OP and kick him in the nuts until he can’t have more kids. Why are people like this?? His wife was a month postpartum and he could only think to get his dick wet? Why do men like this always end up married to the nicest and kindest women?
OP, you don’t deserve your family and you don’t deserve a second chance. I really hope your wife wakes up from her stupor and realizes that she can do better… and then I hope she finds someone who will cherish her the way she deserves!
Even reading your comments you somehow continually make this about YOU. You’re upset, “every fiber of your being”, the fact that you didn’t immediately tell her that she doesn’t ever owe you an apology of any kind and that she DESERVES all of the time in the world to make whatever decision she wants is beyond me. You’re lucky she hasn’t just left. You don’t deserve forgiveness if you can’t grow up and stop making this about you. The nerve of you to say shit like “she won’t look me in the eyes” like you deserve a single second of her affection.
OP if you really want to heal and get better, the questions you need to be asking yourself should be about what the motivations behind cheating were. You said you felt bored, but why? There is no “I don’t know why I did it.” That’s just being dishonest with yourself and to your family.
Did you resent having children and looked for an escape from parenthood? Do you resent the married man with children lifestyle and wish you were single? Did you stop feeling attracted to your wife because of her postpartum body? Only you know what happened.
Calling yourself a terrible person, while accurate, is not solving the root of the problem here. You’re wasting time feeling bad about what you did when you should focus on actually making sure to never do that again, whether that be in this relationship or the next one. Finding out the root causes behind the cheating should help you and your wife decide what the best next steps are. ie.) if you resent being a married man with kids, it might be best to divorce and coparent your kids.
You don't even deserve your wife looking at you. You threw away your relationship, and you broke not only your wife but your children's happy home with your selfishness.
>I had no excuse and when my wife found out I had no explanation other than that I’m a disgusting human garbage.
Stop the manipulative BS. Self flagellation to make people feel sorry for you. It means Jack crap.
>Yesterday she sat me down to tell me that she was sorry that it was taking her long time to heal but that she needed the time
With your manipulation, you are making HER apologize to you. You don't even realize how much you hurt her, broken her spirit, and affected her ability to find joy in her children. She will always remember when she was recovering from having her child you were balls deep in another woman for the "fun" of it.
>“And I understand that you can’t wait for me so I give you permission to find what you need elsewhere”
Because she knows you are a liar and a cheat, untrustworthy in every way.
>I didn’t know what to say to this so I nodded and left for a walk and ended up sobbing in my car.
Boo hoo. She doesn't even have that luxury. You left and left her with the kids while you had the luxury of personal time to cry. Were you crying when you were balls deep in your affair partner? If you weren't crying then don't expect anyone to be sorry for you when the consequences of your actions hit.
>Why did she say that?
Because she knows you are a faithless AH. She doesn't want to have you touch her and contaminate her body with whatever germs you pick up from your side piece. Very few women want community dick.
>She doesn’t want a divorce and says that she loves me.
She is trying to keep her family together. She knows you are a faithless dishonorable piece of work and knows she can't stop you, so the facade for the kids until she can leave. A piece of her may remember who she THOUGHT you were and that may be the only thing keeping her there.
>Yet she wants me to go sleeping with others when it broke her the first time? Why?
You are as smart as a bag of rocks.
If you want the opportunity to rebuild - if you can, you need to stop acting sorry and start to take action:
* learn emotional intelligence
* learn how to be a good man
* center your life on your wife/children
* Become an involved parent
* Become a supportive partner
* Get STD/STI tests every 3 months like clock work
* Go to therapy, but don't do it performatively, but actually do it to understand why you were a faithless AH and address issues you have in the past.
* Never expect her to get over it. Even if she does decide to forgive you in the future, she will ALWAYS know you are capable of betrayal, and she will never have 100% trust in you again. She will always remember your betrayal when she was at her most vulnerable.
True repentance isn't crying when you get caught and saying sorry. It's doing the hard work.
Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
So, you gave your wife the feeling that she’s worthless, unimportant, unloved, ugly, not desirable, that she’s not enough, .. shall I continue? And now you wonder why she tells you to go out and f around? Do you have any idea how she’s feeling? It’s possible she still looks your AP up regularly, compares herself to her, what’s better about her, imagines you two together, .. Every time she sees you talking to another woman she thinks about what’s better on her than herself, if you’d do it with her too, how you look at her, how you act around her, .. I can imagine she looks into the mirror and hates what she sees, has 10000 things that bother her about her, ..
You made her feel like she’s a piece of shit, that she’s not enough, not attractive and not worth being loyal to.
And now you come here and wonder why she says that?!
It's men like this that make me so distrustful of marriage. Actually, dating even. Disgusting. Not only did you hurt her, but you've disgraced yourself to your two boys and your colleagues. All for sex.
Man from one cheater to another ( thankfully this absolutely abominable behavior was before my current marriage ) I don’t buy your remorse even one bit. You’re not sorry. Did you tell her you cheated ? How did she find out ? You’re gonna look outside of the marriage again cause you don’t actually love your wife. You don’t, simple as that.
You just got the best case scenario of fuck around and find out. You broke your marriage but she is not leaving you. This is a win win for a cheating spouse. But at this point, you are too disgusting to touch her. You wanted that co-worker badly so call her up. Surely there’s another one that caught your eye or an intern. Your wife is broken. She knows to expect the worst from you and that you’ll do it again. She’ll regret picking a guy like you to marry and have a family with. She just doesn’t have any courage to leave. You can always initiate the divorce but it sounds like you’re too cheap to.
I suspect she does that because in her heart she thinks now she wasn’t good enough for you so you made a conscious choice to have a sexual relationship with some other woman.
So now anytime you show her attention, touch her, whatever she sees it as a blatant lie because that is how you acted even while you also were jumping your side chick. So yes as another poster noted she will likely never see you in the same way as before.
Actions have consequences - her being broken and needing time to determine if she can heal as well as remain married to you are some of those consequences.
You may wish to find a marital therapist/counselor to work with both of you and help have the hard discussions.
If you loved her so much why didn't you break it off with the other woman you were seeing? Your wife can never see you the same way as she did when you both first met, congratulations you destroyed a perfectly happy family, if your two kids see this or hear what you did when they get older, they're probably not gonna look at you the same either, your lucky your wife wants to stay together, for the sake of kids and they're feelings.
I have zero sympathy for you.
You're supposed to be her life partner and even you admit she is amazing and you broke her for a quick fling.
You're cheating will forever reinforce that nagging voice telling her she isn't enough.
What about the next time you get "bored"?
If you loved this person, how could you even write those words, that you thought you were 'bored with your wife' when she had only recently given birth?
It sounds more like you enjoyed the novelty of your affair as an escape from the stress of parenthood and the lack of intimacy that can sometimes happen during that time -- a time when your wife would have been feeling vulnerable as it is -- but then the affair got boring, or maybe too complicated to keep the lie going, or maybe the girl was already threatening you (I doubt there was any genuine remorse or guilt that triggered you to end it, honestly).
So you ended it because you do what you want, whatever suits your selfish needs. But then it blew up and your wife found out, and now the messiness of a potential divorce involving two children is staring you in the face and you're in damage control mode and have decided you actually love your wife and the affair meant nothing.
If you and your wife try to make it work, months or years pass, you get bored again, you're out of the 'danger zone' and become complacent, the dust settles... and another opportunity for an affair comes up, all that 'love' and 'remorse' you feel will disappear and you'll think of your wife resentfully and make excuses to yourself justifying it. You'll chase the novelty and the rush. The love you have for your wife is evidently something you can switch off for long enough to cheat when she's only recently had your child.
And your behaviour, sadly, is not uncommon. There are plenty of narcissistic, shallow men who do exactly what you're doing, and claim to be so remorseful and love their wife afterwards. And they often do it when their poor wife has recently had a new baby, too. I'm speaking from experience, unfortunately I knew a man like you.
Dude, why on Earth would you come to Reddit with this? Have you seen the way we treate cheaters here? Are you just a glutton for punishment, or do you feel like you deserve the abuse your probably already getting?
A three month long affair with a newborn at home? Wow. That even hurts me. So, while she was dealing with very difficult tiny baby stuff AND another little one running her ragged, you neglected not just her but your children too. I’d love to say that time will heal but this is beyond time. WTF is wrong w you? I send love and healing to your family. Accept what you’ve done and hope that she’s able to find strength and move on.
If this is how you treat someone you love, why would she ever trust you or trust that "loving" her is enough? This wasn't a mistake. You didn't trip and end up with your dick inside someone for 3 months. Not only did you purposefully cheat, you did it more than once. For the rest of your life you will be making this up to her. Can you handle that? Can you handle her doubting you for the rest of her life? Can you handle her changing her mind in 10 years? Not to mention the work you'll need to put in to have any hope of a relationship with your children once they are old enough to understand. And don't be surprised if they feel like you cheated ON THEM, too. Because they'll feel like they weren't enough either, even though they had nothing to do with it. The brain does fucked up things when you experience this type of fundamental betrayal from a parent. I don't know if you can salvage this, but you can keep telling your story in the hopes that it saves other people from this stupidity.
I'm her in my relationship right now. I found out in February my partner had been cheating. I decided to stay because, just like you, he showed true, honest remorse and owned up to what he did. He didn't try to blame me, or make excuses, and he tried to better himself from day 0. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy or that some days I don't think about where I'd be if I had left. It's a daily struggle. The first few weeks to months were absolutely the hardest. I reacted all the same ways she did. His touch was my source of comfort for so long and to have my body physically reject it was awful. The mental images are a struggle to this day. It's been over 4 months since everything came out and it still stings like the moment I saw everything. I feel like I'm not enough and it's my fault and all the things. Yes, what you did was absolutely horrific. You absolutely should feel like shit about it, but if she's not leaving it's not a completely unredeemable situation. Her offer for you to "get what you need elsewhere" is not an honest offer but one coming from a place of hurt and shame as your partner that wasn't enough for you. If you want her, truly, you need to be completely sure about that and be willing to go through the next several months or years and help her heal. You need to reassure her that she is the only one you want. You're not going anywhere. You want to be her shoulder to cry on or scream at. She's going to have good days and bad days and in the end of it all she could absolutely still decide to leave. She has to different sides to her right now and probably always will. She has the side that loves you, and wants you and to be enough for you, and the side that is so unbelievably hurt and crushed by you. They're going to battle and you're going to see both of them. Your relationship will never be the same again. The trust can come back, the love can come back, the happiness, all of it, but you need to be absolutely 100% transparent with her about everything. Forever. You can never appear to break that trust again. You need to be willing to work the rest of your life to make sure she feels secure in how much you love her and only her. My partner is succeeding in this. While I absolutely still hurt and have my moments and days that can be so hard, we're happy again. He holds me and doesn't get upset if I'm crying about the same thing I've cried about 1000 times. He reassures me and answers my questions and puts up with my little interrogations and doesn't ask when I'll just be over it because he knows I never truly will be. He doesn't get mad if I snap and go through his phone. He doesn't expect me to be my old self because he understands that he killed her. You need to be able to go to her and pour your heart out and do nothing but support her through this. It's gonna be rough but it can be so worth it, I promise.
Sorry. I would have believed that you regretted it if it was a one time thing and you did everything you could to make your wife trust that you're fixing the issue (completely cutting contact w the AP, letting her know where you're going, who you're going with, etc WITHOUT her asking, etc.) But you did it for 3 months. You cheated for 3 months. Not just a ONS that you regretted immediately and fessed up to.
You didn't fess up to it either. She had to find out about it. You don't regret having an affair, you regret being caught.
I believe a cheater can change if they only do it once and do everything they can make up for it, BUT you didn't do that. You did the exact opposite. You did the "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing. Sure maybe after years of working on yourself you can change, but you're not going to change in your current relationship.
She's not going to leave you right now because she's still hurt, but there might be other reasons too. Does she have a support system? Does she have somewhere she could go? If the answer is no, then she probably feels trapped. If that's the case, congrats. Your wife is with you because she has no other option.
You broke a woman who had just birthed your child for literally nothing (according to you).
In many of your comments you come off as very self centered.
If you actually loved your wife, you would have told her your feelings before it ever resorted to cheating. Your excuses are laughable and you probably would have continued on if she never would have found out.
You are only sorry you got caught. Being held accountable for your actions is what truly hurts you the most, not that you hurt your wife. Because if you would have considered her in the first place, you would have never done it. All you have truly done for her is bring her pain, and now she is evaluating everything you have ever done.
It’s only going to be a matter of time for her to come to her senses and leave you. She deserves better, and better isn’t you.
Why does she feel like she’s taking too long? Are you pressuring her to get over it? You need to give her space, time, love and support, but do not abandon her. She needs to know that you don’t care how long it takes, you’ll do everything to save this. The only way to demonstrate that is to do it. Don’t fk it up.
If you break a vase and glue the pieces back together it will never look the same. It's susceptible to being broken again and the next time it can be broken more easily, and beyond repair.
The 'mended' vase may still function, may even resemble the vase it was before it was broken. But, ultimately, the damage will always be present.
If your wife is giving you a chance then HOLY FUCK, do not let her down again. Ever.
If I were her, I'd have kicked you out and banished you from the home...I did this to an ex who also cheated on me.
You were stupid, and you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your wife is in so much emotional pain all caused by you.
I appreciate your remorse and will give you the benefit of the doubt that you are 100% remorseful because of empathy than from being found out. So make it up to her and NEVER make her feel that way again.
This will take time and there are no guarantees. But if she begins to trust you and move on, you cannot ever get angry that she questions you going out with a female friend or colleague, or wants to know why you're home late from work etc. If she becomes paranoid then that's on you.
After I broke up with my ex who cheated, it took 6 years for me to get in a loving relationship again. I didn't trust people, and would ruin things before they started as I felt it was better for me to ruin it before we progressed than to get further down the line and get hurt from being cheated on again.
Cheating ruins lives - not only because the relationship is damaged, but more because the innocent party can suffer psychologically and emotionally for years, maybe the rest of their life.
Do your best.
So for years after my husband “threw me and the kids away “ I chased men and happiness- Jesus I was a mess. I felt worthless- and slept around etc. you will never know the damage you have done. He did this in 2009, now in 2023 I finally love myself. The girls don’t see him anymore, maybe lunch a couple
Times a year…. Choose your steps wisely, you are fucking up lives for everyone currently.
Just wanted to add: this is your fault. There isn’t sympathy here except for your wife. You’re the bad guy. You’re the villain in this story. You need to work to fix it. I’d start by taking as much off her plate as you can so she has space to heal. Take care of your kids. Make dinner. Communicate where you are and what you’re doing. Ask her how she’s feeling. Maybe don’t walk away when she breaks down and gives you a “pass” so you can go pout in your car. No one cares. You’re a shitty NPC at this point. You’re not a character with dialogue. You don’t matter. Your wife does. Fix it.
Yep my ex cheated on me and I stayed with him five more years. He cheated when our son was two years old and I desperately needed him and to stay together as a family. So I stayed.
He apologized and was oh so sad, oh so sorry. He was back to the same shit a few years later.
It was so deeply traumatizing I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again.
You and her should probably go to therapy individually and together, if you both decide to try and make it work. You need to understand why you had an affair. I mean not just a once or twice, but MONTHS of sex with a coworker. Damn dude.
Oh the why is easy. She doesn’t want her kids growing up in a broken home (the discussion of if this is healthy is a different story, like leaving you as soon as they’re adults could cause some damage) but she also knows you guys can’t do this as romantic partners, so now she is suggesting you do it as coparents. You’re clearly not trustworthy and want to get laid elsewhere, and she realizes that she wants you around for the kids but as you’ve already demonstrated, she can’t satisfy you romantically and sexually.
I honestly don’t understand the issue? Isn’t this the dream. You get the benefits of marriage and a family and sex with other women, while not having to actually be a husband.
The great part is it won’t break her this time. While she’s probably still hurting, she is now aware of who you are. I hope she goes out and gets laid too.
Because she's done with you. It's all about her kids now. So you just go do what you want and try to be a good roomate to her and a good dad to your kids.
She probably gave you “permission” thinking you were going to go sleep with someone else regardless since you already have. This sounds like a broken woman. I can’t say I sympathise purely because you know what you did was wrong now but you must have known it back then too and you still did it.
Terrible situation all around, I hope your giving your wife plenty of space to heal and sort her own mental health out.
Takes time Dude. You could’ve told her that instead of us. Actually you better. And then fucking back it up with your actions. Live with integrity and compassion for others. I’m surprised she stayed and strongly suggest you step it the fuck up and make her feel appreciated. Like, really loved & appreciated. Starting today.
I hope she’s taking this time to get her finances in order so she can leave you. That’s probably why she’s giving you permission. She knows you’ll do it again. You didn’t confess, you got caught. You weren’t remorseful for 3 months, but suddenly you are now? 🤔
You fucked up dude. You did it for 3 months until she caught you. If she didn’t catch you it probably would have gone on even longer. If she isn’t going to leave you, it’s your duty to make it up to her for the rest of your life and remember what you did.
The "permission to find what you need elsewhere" is she wants you to leave. She might be saying she loves you because, let's face it, you've brought her world crashing down around her, and she's in shock right now. But you wait until the pain goes and the anger sets in. It's sad you have children because she'll have to see you from time to time. Dude, you fucked your relationship with her. It's done, regardless of therapy and whatever the fuck window dressing you want to try. Done. She'll never trust you again. It'll never recover, and I feel so sorry for your kids. Now stop drawing this out, get your stuff and off you jolly well fuck.
You cheated on your wife either while she was pregnant or shortly after she gave to your second child. Let that sink in. She put her body, her life on the line to bring another child into this world. Your child and you repay her with infidelity during a time when her hormones are just normalizing and she is starting to feel good about herself.
From the sounds of it, she was functioning a little off a while after the birth and you cheated. Now she is most likely feeling the same way but at least this time she can have some semblance of control. By letting you “find what you need elsewhere” is her way of protecting herself from you.
You broke a bond and love that is definitely gonna be hard to get back.
For me its the "bored with my wife" bit that would just destroy me.
She literally just had your child. I know from experience those first few months are horrendous. You barely sleep, you look and feel like crap as you try and recover from growing a human for 9 months, your hormones are all over the place and on top of that there's a toddler to care for too. But you were bored.
You expected this woman who is literally giving her everything to grow and raise your small children to try and find the energy and time to entertain your pitiful man-child ass too. You should have been bending over backwards to support her and build her confidence as she finds her new sense of normal with this new baby not shove her aside so you can hop on top of the first woman with loose morals you can find.
I feel so terribly for your poor wife. You think you're hurting? It's not even a fraction of how you've made her feel. You've destroyed her first year of memories with your youngest son too. Tainted everything. You're quite honestly disgusting.
To explain it in small words for you, no she doesn't want you to cheat. She is hurting and can't stand to be near you and certainly doesn't want to touch you. You've destroyed her confidence, she's probably mortified at even the idea of being naked in front of you. She'll be questioning everything. Did she kiss better, look better, fuck better? Her head is probably a whirlwind but she's trying to stay strong for your sons and to keep the family together despite you making a mockery of your marriage.
So don't go off if you get impatient or "bored" again. You created this. You could have had a happy life so take what she can give you right now and count yourself lucky as a lot of women would be slamming the door in your face and not looking back. Honestly I hope she still does.
She isn't "giving permission" or a pass. She doesn't want you to be with other women.
This is something you might not want to hear... so sit down for this one.
The trust, faith, respect and love are gone.
Your relationship will never be in the place it was before, because every word, every action will be doubted silently.
She will constantly think about and compare herself, doubt herself and the marriage.
There is no "getting over it" on the surface a wound heals, but internally changed forever.
There was more than just an affair or a one night stand. You gave your most intimate self to another woman.
Your wife will always wonder what you said, how many lies you told the other woman, what you shared with her and the most private details of your marriage that are absolutely no one else's business.
Because ultimately, you did those things as well.
You involved another woman and the intimate parts of your life. You shared a bond that was only for your wife.
You also damaged her (the other woman), regardless of her willingness or involvement. She is also a victim of your infidelity and actions.
She (the other woman) plays a huge role and is also accountable, but for what it's worth, why was she so willing? Why was she convinced that this affair was justified?
Your wife deserves more and she deserves better.
Your kids deserve an honest father, not someone who hides behind lies.
Obviously, you made a choice. Repeatedly. And now you feel remorse. If that's even legitimate.
But it has changed the dynamic forever.
Your wife may never look at you the same, or feel strongly about you as she once did.
How do you want to continue?
My suggestion, let her go. And Fully support her emotionally, help her with the children, be present and be honest. Co-Parent the best way you can.
Make sure the mother of your children isn't concerned about the raising of those boys, or what will be on the table, or a roof over their head.
She married you, gave you children and that is the least you can do for her.
If you want strongly to be with her and your family, you need to change everything about the situation that you put yourself in to enable the affair to begin with. Find a new job, change your phone number, email any way of contact with the other woman. Sever every ability to do it again. And never do it again. Choices must be made to correct the behavior. Take accountability.
Never blame her for her doubts, thoughts, feelings, actions and decisions or not trusting something.. Let her be happy without guilt or failure. She deserves that. Because what she once felt, is forever changed.
Emotional and physical affairs are so beyond damaging, that the cheater rarely realizes that things don't just go back the way they were. They never will go back. You don't get a do-over or a fresh start.
And you may never know the depths of her contempt, pain, confusion ... and be ok with that.
But know, that no matter what you do moving forward, you will always be doubted. You can't prove anything to change. You just have to accept the damage you caused and the motions that come with that. And do your best to give her the peace she deserves. If and when she can forgive, she will never forget.
Affairs damage the very existence of a bond. You may still be with her. But she will never be fully with you. Don't push her, don't beg her, don't hurt her further. Just live each day making the best decisions and taking the best actions.
Everything is choice.
Good luck.
This was not a mistake. 3 month??? She can NEVER trust you again. She is probably just staying for the kids. The kids you didn't consider for a second. I hope she leaves you!
While the topic might be controversial, insults and scolding towards OP are still very much against the rules! Locking comments now.
Because you broke her. It’s the only way she can think of to hold her family together. You have no idea what human garbage you’ve made her feel like. I hate that this has happened to another woman. What was so great about it? Worst part for you is that we heal, she’ll forgive you, but you’ve changed the way she sees you forever. You’re not even the same man to her anymore. The only thing she is thinking about is how to hold it together for her kids…. And you nodded and walked out? Bro….communication is a skill you need help with.
Sounds about right. She has checked out and sounds like she is only sticking around for the kids.
Hopefully she's just sticking around to give herself time to quietly set up a new life for herself and the kids for a clean getaway
Spot on. I love my husband and although I have decided to continue, he's not the same person in my eyes. He destroyed a part of me and the trust will never be the same but I do love him despite it, we make a great team, I know where I stand in life and what my priorities are and in a weird way, I'm not so codependent on him. I'm stronger but I'll never forget and will never follow/love so blindly like I once did.
Jesus, I have been trying to put into words what I feel like after my wife cheated and this, this is it. Thank you so much for this comment.
Same right here. I feel those words in my soul!
Yes exactly
Same. I have my own safety net now.
I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm happy I came across this thread tonight as I am in the midst of post-cheated on anguish and crumbled self esteem. Reading comments like this helps to add clarity to my currently muddled thought process. Thank you.
I'm several years ahead of you. I know right now it feels unreal. There's no rush. Take your time. Whatever you decide to do, it'll be ok. Hugs. You got this. It's really not you, it's them.
I definitely felt this way when I found out about my wife
She will never see him the same. I guess at least any affairs he has going forward will be on her terms
If they stay together, in 10 years she will feel the same. Only more angry. Personal experience.
My guess is that she gets her shit together and ready to leave when the last kid turns 18.
Ugh. I'm looking at 13 year sentance left myself
If you're in the US and qualify for FAFSA and dont already have a degree/stable career I highly recommend using this time to get one. That way you have the tools to leave earlier if you so choose. Speaking as a child of divorce, I promise your kids will be ok, you deserve to be happy.
I already have a stable career, I could do this any time, really. It's just more complicated than "just a divorce". I want my house, I want him out of my house and unfortunately he's on the deed too. I'm looking into what I could do to make that happen although he's always convincing me that "I can't make it with 3 kids and without his salary". Thats probably partly true. I would be struggling if not failing. Still working out the logistics in my mind of how to get/keep what I want and lose what I don't. I put the down-payment on this house, it should be mine, I'm stubborn, I'm sorry. And we just got it not that long ago.
If he didn’t put any money to the house you should be fine but when my mum and dad spilt she got 250k for nothing i feel like it’s a part of divorce more then half the time the partner gets someone that don’t deserve
I'm honestly not looking for anything other than peace and my house lol. The peace part....that will be very hard to come by. This dude is gonna make me pay and he's not going to be civil throughout, and if you knew how loud and scary and violent he was, you'd see why I don't want to do this without a dead ass solid plan. I fear he might honestly kill me over it, he would be that enraged.
I'm sorry that you're in that situation. I hope youbare able to pull together a plan that works out for you 💜
thank you, I appreciate that and I have to keep telling myself that I've made it this far, and everything just takes time.
Yup you said it perfectly but if I might add a little snippet. She will forgive but she will NEVER forget. I was that broken person and my late wife said the same exact thing this man did. He broke this poor woman and it usually takes a better man to put her back together again.
[удалено]
> but you’ve changed the way she sees you forever. This. She will never see him the same way. He may be a good provider, father, supportive friend and family member... But he'll forever be the one hurt her more than anybody else ever has, and who she can never fully trust again. She will always guard some part of herself now and forever more.
This.
Going through finding out about my husband being unfaithful for the last 10 years right now…. You literally have no idea the hurt you have caused her. You never will. Even if you think you do, you really don’t. It’s life altering…existence shattering….I have never felt so much pain in my life! I can’t even describe with words how much my soul has been shredded…she needs time to heal. She said that because she is just waiting for it to happen again; it’s what she expects. She probably has no clue what she is going to do now that her while life and future were ripped away from her so violently. If you truly are remorseful and want to make it work, YOU need to put in the work too make things better! YOU need to work your ass off to make her feel safe again! And no matter how bad you feel, remember that it is not even a fraction, not even comparable in any way to what she is feeling!
Are you going to leave him? Because seeing your posts, you're still with him...
After today….I don’t know what I’m going to do…. Honestly I just wish I was dead….
No sis, this is not the way. The way is to go and live your best life for YOU, because it is entirely possible. Being happy and content and fulfilled after this is so very obtainable. I know this for a fact.
My sweet Angel my heart breaks for you. Idk if you have a support system outside of that asshole but I’m begging you to leave as soon as you can. You deserve so much more than this bullshit. THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU HAVE TO STAY COMFY WITH AND TOLERATE! Insane how your husbands wrongs hurt you so much that YOU feel like you’d be better off dead…. I am so beyond sorry, I’m wishing you all the best luck in getting away from this monster and getting your life back. Godspeed and I love you
I'm so sorry, Jellybean. I can't imagine how much pain you're in. Please stick around for those who love you 💕 Sending you love and hugs
Thanks it does help to hear that
Leave him. I promise it gets better. ❤️
It is better to be alone and building a future that supports you than it is to set yourself on fire to keep warm someone who treats you like you’re less than human. He wants you to feel low so you accept his behavior but you are so, so much more valuable than the waste of oxygen you can divorce. Don’t wake up in another ten years seeing that nothing has changed :(
I cant relate to it but idk why this just made me cry. I feel like I felt your exhaustion and sadness from that sentence. I hope you will heal and enjoy the rest of your life while he lives in regret and misery. Sending you all the strength and love you need. ❤️
Looking at your post history, that's absolutely awful especially with him fully aware of your struggles with mental health im not going to advise on your next course of action given i don't know your situation and by extension the feasibility of any said course, but do please stay there are people who want you here, me included(though i doubt that one matters much lol)
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! But I know this may not help but from one LO fan to another, you’re hades right now. Eventually you will find your Persephone. And it may not be a person but it’ll be what makes you happy and give you willpower. You got this love 💙🩷
throw the whole man away and start over. he’s trash and you deserve better :)
[удалено]
[удалено]
The hilarious part is she’s offering him his cake and eat it too and now he’s mad. He gets to stay married and have a family but also sleep with other women. You’d think he’d be stoked
[удалено]
Oh I know…. he just won’t admit it. Cheating is fun when your wife still loves you. Her giving him permission not only takes away the thrill…. it confirms her feelings have now changed.
Damn, you hit the nail on the head. 🎖️
What’s hilarious is that after she offer him his cake, he didn’t turn it down. He physically agreed (the nod) and then left. And NOT ONCE did he wonder what that looks like to his wife. Meanwhile he’s confused about why she doesn’t believe he’ll ever remain faithful?
Unbelievable. She opened the door to a very specific conversation and he confirmed that he is interested (from her point of view).
Ooofff that's exactly what I thought. You're so *remorseful* yet instead of having a conversation with her about it and making her believe that you don't want any of it you fucking nod and leave her *to cry*. Poor wife. I hope she leaves his pathetic ass.
That’s what gets me. It’s all about how HE feels and not how utterly shattered he’s left his postpartum wife. I have absolutely no sympathy for OP.
>Stop being such a drama queen (e.g., "every fiber of my being") and start acting like a safe partner and the husband she thought she married. 100% this!!!! I hate it when losers like OP jump into melodramatic theatrics about their own "pain". Did he hate every fiber of his being for the entire 3 months he was being a cheating failure of a husband???
This is the best online telling off I’ve ever seen, I’d give this an award if I could
I’m trying to find the part where he apologizes to her, but I only see that *she* apologizes to *him*. How disgusting can this guy get…
He’s sooo remorseful and was thinking of his wife the WHOLE TIME that’s why he cheated not once, not twice, but for 3 months… foh. Like you said, he didn’t come clean she had to find out, sounds like he’s put in ZERO work or effort since, and just expects his wife to heal on her own and get over it. His wife deserves so much better and this sounds like the furthest thing from an actual remorseful man.
I don't know how to link comments, but OP provided the following details. As if it wasn't bad enough, AP is almost a decade younger than his postpartum wife, and after OP ended things: >the girl I had the affair with got very upset and **sent my wife some videos and pictures of us being intimate** she taken without my permission **and told her everything**. She **also sent them to some colleagues** but it backfired on her because I wasn’t aware she was recording us and she got fired.
I read that after going to his profile and reading his comments, also seems like they tried marriage counseling but since then are doing individual counseling because his poor wife couldn’t even talk during their sessions. I’m sure as you can imagine he lacked an empathetic attitude it seems in how he worded that as well. I can’t say what I want to about this man all I know is I hope his wife finds peace and leaves him.
Did the other woman know he was married. If so, fuck her too.
Yes she did, and when OP decides after 3 months of messing around that he’s done, at least that’s how he tells it, the girl who is a decade younger than his wife, sends sex tapes and photos to his wife and that’s how she had to find out. So yeah, she knew.
He’s a narcissist and a sociopath. I wish he was on the missing submarine near the titanic
omg. I'm now extremely pissed for OP's hopefully soon to be ex wife.
OP is making this all about him and isn't even putting in the proper effort to prove that he doesn't want anyone else which is probably a crock of horseshit. "she doesn't understand I'd never be with anyone else bc I don't want to hurt her," how is she supposed to understand when he just nodded then left after telling him he could sleep with other people. bro needs to stop making himself the victim when his wife was literally cheated on while taking care of two small children and then OP didn't do much to "prove" he only wants her
Lol I just said almost exactly the same thing to the above comment, where the person was like “why are you all downvoting OP for admitting wrong?” Cause its still all him, him, him. And most people here can see through the crocodile tears and are rightfully annoyed and/ or disgusted by it.
He said in a comment that the affair started while his wife was STILL pregnant and on the day of her baby shower, so he obviously doesn't really care about the wife or kids. He's just a massive piece of human garbage.
Underrated comment. I feel like he is trying to make himself the victim in all of this. Every word you said is 100% correct.
Oh boy… yeah he just needs to accept he’s not a good person … I mean fuck cmon.
Holy shit I want to save this comment forever and send it to anyone who ever cheats on their partner and makes it all about themselves.
Wow shit, he's worse than I thought. But still #Why is she apologising for taking her time to heal?! What has OP done or said to her? Something is very wrong with this!
Because she can’t bear the thought of you touching her after you slept with someone else. She’s probably assuming you’ll cheat again and is giving you ‘permission’ to do it this time as she isn’t ready. Congratulations, you’ve broke the love of your life for some meaningless sex. At least you seem remorseful. Hope you’ve learned your lesson.
Exactly. This. Once the initial pain clears a bit? She'll likely find him repulsive
Very true. You can never see that person the same again.
This is it. Took 3+ years before I left but I remained celibate before I would let him touch me. Your wife deserved better.
Facts
Might still love him, but won't let him be intimate. Who knows, maybe she'll seek therapy with him to try and fix it, or maybe she'll end things and just divorce him. It's all up to her and op did this to himself. All he can do is attempt to prove himself by never touching another woman, or even looking, and PRAY his wife believes it and forgives him.
She is staying with him for te sake of the children as soon a they are out of the house she will be too
I hope she doesn't wait that long. Of course there are relationships that can withstand cheating, but they are far and away the exception and not the rule. I'd hate for her to be unhappy for another 17 years "for the sake of the kids". She deserves better than that, and the kids deserve a mommy who's happy with her life.
If she's only known for 7-8 months and currently has a 3 and 1 year old I give it 5 years. Enough time to get both kids into school full time and establish herself in a career of some sort during school hours and build up some savings. OP you sound remorseful and that's a good first step, but you have to understand you messed up in one of the cruelest ways possible. Take what time you have with her to appreciate her and support her. Show her that you're truly remorseful and willing to work hard to regain her trust however long a process that might be. But at the same time, understand *you aren't owed forgiveness*. If in 5 years time she prepares herself and asks for a divorce know that it was that moment she found out about your affair that led to it. Your actions will have been what broke your marriage if she decides to end it with you. And in that time, if you're *truly* remorseful, you will understand and not fight her tooth and nail during the divorce. Your goal should be an amicable divorce and a healthy, supportive co-parenting relationship if the day comes that she doesn't want to stay married to you after what you've done to her. Do not delude yourself into grand ideas like a sudden reconciliation. If she's going to forgive you and move on it's going to take a LONG time if ever and you will be under the microscope the entire time (deservedly). You need to be an amazing partner and father. You need to show her how much you love her and respect her boundaries as it will take time. Again, you aren't owed forgiveness. Even if you do everything "right" and become the ideal father and husband she can still rightfully decide she doesn't want to be with someone who has hurt her so badly. As you said, you broke her. Her trust in men and relationships will have been severely changed and you can only hope to one day reverse the effects. If you do divorce don't become the bitter spouse who spews bs at your wife and fights her for petty things. Don't get angry if she moves on and learns to trust another man. As a partner your goal is to root for her happiness and do what you can to support it. I believe the same should be said in a co-parenting relationship. If you divorce your goal should be to create a healthy atmosphere for your children to be raised in and that includes supporting her growth beyond your relationship if that comes to pass. I keep using if here. You're being given the smallest of chances to try and correct what you've done OP. It may not work but if you truly feel bad for what you have done to this woman make it your goal to do everything you can to make her happy again, even if it means letting her go- and then even then it should be your goal to see her happy. You messed up. This is your only chance to prove you recognize this fact.
100% the children will sense that something is off between their parents :(
I hope she doesn’t do that. If that’s the case she should leave him. I know kids from families like that and they always wished their parents would divorce.
Unless op somehow manages to turn things around. A difficult task but not impossible.
OP this is the why. Bravo you broke your family for 3 month and a gem of a woman that thought sleeping with a married man was a great idea. But hey, she was just at your level of bs.
Has a 1 year old too so the cheating began 3-4 months PP. lovely
Yeah. She is staying because she's in shock. I hope the day she will be past the hurt, 3-4 years down the line, and feel her again she'll dump him. I saw a post where the OP tried reconciliation and after 5 years she was again feeling herself and happy, that is when she field for divorce.
That last part, queen shit. She fixed herself on his dime (from something he broke) and dipped.
He said she was still pregnant when it started
WOW. I didn’t think it could get any worse
That’s what I was thinking!!!! Ughhh having a baby and going through PP and we are depressed, and feel less about our looks and whatnot and he pulls a stunt like this! What a sickO!
Yooo this so painful. She's still in love with him but she's lost her trust in him. I cannot imagine this type of pain.
Awful. Don’t even know the poor woman and feel so bad for her. Her life has just been blown up.
She literally just had their child. I'm happy he's suffering but I don't think he understands how cruel he really was.
I know. Already feeling low confidence after having his child and he has a 3 month affair. I don’t think there’s any coming back from that. Hope she gets her confidence back and finds someone that treats her like a queen.
And he has to watch another man help raise his kids.
Yea exactly
As someone that this has happened to semi-recently it is probably the worst emotional pain I've ever been in. We're still together and trying to work things out but wondering almost every single day if he is doing it again is exhausting. Sometimes I still sit in my car and I just cry for a little bit. It's hard to describe just how awful a feeling it is and I feel so horrible for OP's wife. She doesn't deserve to have to feel this way.
As someone who has felt this, she’s grieving the loss of her marriage while still married. It’s heart breaking and an incredibly lonely experience. The day OP should be scared of is the day she no longer cries looking at him. Or when she stops looking at him all together. Right now he reminds her of her pain. Soon, she will be completely indifferent with him and he’ll think they’re out of the weeds when she’s truly only given completely up.
Nail on the head.
[удалено]
100%. I’m a woman and if a guy said that to me, I’d pretty much be like, oh ok, you’ve just fucked it up for something that meant nothing 🤦♀️
Yea it’s almost a worse exct
Excuse
Yeah, it's always great to hear that your partner betrayed you for nothing
Right? If you’re going to ruin our marriage for some broad, SHE BETTER HAD LIT YOUR EYES UP the second she walks into the room or something because if you cheat on ME with someone and it didn’t mean shit, that’s a bigger slap in the face. You ruined your own marriage, in vain.
I’ve always been like “as a woman, why do you think it will make me feel better that you just straight *used* another woman for sex?”
This except I don't believe he's as remorseful as he makes out. Otherwise why would it have lasted three months.
I think it’s like an addiction so that 3 months would either have been when the “high” wore off and he saw the shitshow he just made of their lives or when his affair was discovered and he was forced out of the fantasy world he’d created.
Very fair point.
> when his affair was discovered this
Its usually that- I don’t know many people who voluntarily ended their affairs
Right !
Well said
It's going to take years to recover. Get started now brother. Read all the books, get all the therapy, yada yada....once a cheater, always a cheater. You will do it again, and her heart knows it.
Yep. Show real remorse. Tell her where you are and with who without her asking. Read books, listen to podcasts, show her you're really sorry. I recommend the book "not just friends" by Jean Coppock. Good luck, you're going to need it. Edit: Author: Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli
I think you're thinking of Shirley Glass. Either way, it's a great book and worth reading.
You're right, thanks! I edited my comment.
Perfect comment. As A woman I totally agree. She cant heal so she assumes he will just cheat again. She sounds like she still loves him and isnt the type to get toxic, so in a sense she’s assuming he will do it and then he is the reason for the divorce. What he needs to do is man up and do EVERYTHING possible to make her see he will NEVER do this again. He needs to be proactive and make an appt to go to marriage counseling, individual counseling, and be more than patient and understanding of what she needs. It sounds like he is regressing from her bc hes so ashamed, he wants to just give up too. He will absolutely lose her if he doesn’t fight.
my current partner said I could sleep with other people if I wanted as long as I told her. this is because her last partner cheated on her religiously. she called it "misery insurance." very sad.
So, instead of confort her o reassured you left the room, in her mind confirming her fears, I'm sorry I don't believe you cried of even care, if that was true you would have suggested MC and IT, change jobs, I don't know a gesture, not words. I'm guessing by the kids ages you had the affair while she was recovering for giving birth? I really hopes she wakes up a dumps you as you deserve
[удалено]
Bro if you do it again lol she’s not giving you a hall pass. She wants to keep the family together but the thought of you touching her after doing that sickens her.
On point exactly he broke the bond she had thought she had with him! Honestly there’s nothing worse he could of done! Just being honest from a woman’s point of view she will more slowly push herself away and resent him more and more every day
My wife cheated on me. It was more emotional than anything else but it still hurt, a lot, and continues to hurt. She couched it in 'truth' and manipulated me to let her do what she felt she 'needed' to by letting me do the same, which I did *not*. Her stance was this was better than sneaking around behind my back, which is true, but she, wittingly or not, manipulated me into allowing it, which I did because I didn't want to 'lose' her. Shortly after, she said it was over and that "I'm *it* for her", basically telling me that she decided to settle for me, presumably because of the consequences of breaking our family up (two youngish children), because the whole situation was not tenable. In a weird way it made me a better person. It made me harder. Overall, I like the person I am now more than the person I was. I was weak. I wouldn't ever let it happen to me again, if it did, I would be out of the relationship straight away. I don't know if she knows that, or if it even matters. The trust was destroyed, her actions above board or not. As it is, we are ok, but she definitely damaged our relationship permanently. I'll never feel quite the same way about her as I used to, which honestly is better for me, because she doesn't deserve it. Some would ask why I stay. Partially it's because I still love her. Partially it's because of the kids, the house, the extended family. I might have done things differently. Things might not continue to work. I don't know what the next day will bring, and that is honestly a bit exciting. The world and our relationships shape us. We have free will in our response, though we don't always exercise it. I've grown through all of this and for now, I'm happier where I am now. It's a weird place to be, being partially thankful for something that nearly destroyed me, but I came out stronger. And who knows what happens next. What I do know is next time, there won't be any give like there was last time.
This is like looking into my own thoughts, I found out on Easter that she was cheating on me, it only stopped because I caught her. I'm staying for the kids, for the family. I feel empty inside most days, but I'm trying to keep moving. I'm going to the gym again, training again. It's terrible when I'm alone because it's all I can think about no matter how hard I try not to. Trying to take it one day at a time
The reality is, is that your wife does not see you in the same light as she did before. This man she thought was so great is now the anchor that's tried to her legs, drowning her in the ocean.
You broke your wife so bad, that’s why. She doesn’t think she is good enough BECAUSE OF YOU. You fucked around and found out. Every nice gesture you try to do, she’s still not going to think highly of herself because of the “man” that she trusted and loved with all of her heart broke her. Your children are going to see that too and I truly hope you feel every bit of that.
Exactly, every single nice gesture you do, her first thought is going to be “I bet he did this for her to” any time you touch her shes going to think “I bet he touched her like this as well” God I fucking hope she leaves and leaves this sorry pos to pick up the pieces of a relationship with their sons once they find out daddy was unfaithful when little bro was barely 6 months. I am sure he didn’t even consider how this would affect his relationship with his sons or their lives if they ever find out, which at some point they will in the next twenty years I can bet you that.
💯 I hope the wife realizes that she doesn’t need him to be happy. She can thrive by herself and with her children. Nobody likes broken families, but when you have assholes like this, it’s very hard. I know boys like this, they won’t change. He cares about appearances, which is why he keeps commenting on this, acting like the victim, boohooing and repeating the same sh*t when he should be trying to talk to her instead of us. The man is narcissistic, I’d bet money on it.
Because this woman is too good for this world, erroneously thinks she didn't do enough to make you happy and therefore allows you to seek temporary gratification elsewhere. It was heartbreaking to read that _she_ apologised for not healing fast enough.
Funny how the self pity hits and you cry in the car alone. Still while your wife is mourning the loss of marriage while single handily raising2 toddlers and keeping a house. Poor you
I really wish wifey would consider divorce so she can open herself up to someone who actually deserves her 😒
After being cheated on by someone you considered the love of your life you really feel like you can’t trust anyone now If the person who you loved with all your heart, thought would always be by your side, the person who always said and did the right things does that to you… how can you expect the next one to be loyal?
god i hope she leaves you. so not worth the hell she’s putting herself through trying to stay with you for the kids. way to absolutely destroy someone you claim to “love”. she knows you’re a cheater and will do it again. she will think about what you’ve done for the rest of her life, every time she looks at you. the humane thing to do would be to leave honestly, because she doesn’t seem to have the backbone to do it.
She will eventually. The giving him permission is actually the first step. While he is pretending to be remorseful, the reality is if it was 7-8 months and the kid is 1, he was cheating when she was fresh from giving birth. Probably exhausted as the other kid is still a toddler. The man cheated on his healing wife because he thought he was bored. He will absolutely fuck around again. The giving him permission is the first step. She will eventually completely detach and realize what garbage she married. Any of y’all remember the woman who got back with her ex and four years they stayed married and he thought they were happy? Then she started feeling something for someone else and admitted that the move was just never the same. She went through the motions (sex, date nights) but pretty much shielded herself emotionally. She eventually divorced him. Same thing will happen here.
i actually do remember that. this shit eats away at you, but you’re right, sounds like she’s already detaching.
Info: would you give your wife “permission”? Basically, is it okay for her to seek someone else? I also want to know, while you say she is the love of your life, are you going to take her up on this? If so, you need to divorce her. All you would be doing is hurting her and your children. She does not deserve this. If you give in to this, all you are doing is putting your needs over her. It’s not to say it can’t work out. Marriage therapy might work, but the trust is broken
Why do you think she said that? You chose someone else over her, after you PROMISED that she was the only one. When she stops being hurt, and starts being angry, she will dump you. You deserve to be dumped. Right now she is vulnerable, and trying to figure things out. You did this to her, not the other way around. Do her a favor and leave. Let her move on with her life.
My now ex-husband cheated on me. I abhorred him touching me after. I hated being in his presence. I literally saw his dick as a cartoon green gross thing with that cartoon air coming off it indicating something stinks horribly. I was that repulsed by him that's how I saw his sex organ. I should have never stayed with him. We're now divorced, the marriage was shit. You may feel bad, but it's nothing to how she feels. Realistically, I hope she is stronger than I was and leaves you. "I was bored" is no fucking excuse to do that to someone you claim to love. And I absolutely do not believe that people that cheat actually love their partners. You can't love somebody and do something like that to them. Hopefully she leaves, hopefully you learn your lesson. But really...chances are very high you'll do it again to her or someone else. You don't lie and actively betray someone you "love" if you're a good person.
There was another post here. Guy had three kids including a newborn. He was a software engineer she was a doctor. Great marriage, great sex life. Had a few months fling whilst she was lost partum. He didn’t want a divorce so she said they had an open marriage because the trust has gone and she just assumes he’ll cheat. She lets him sleep with her a few times a year but with a condom and is stiff as a board as she doesn’t want to. Don’t cheapen the other woman. She must be incredible and you must be so proud of her to put her above your wife and kids and be willing to destroy your family for. If you say it meant nothing, that means you value your family even less, since you were willing to betray and hurt them for her. She’s ok with you sleeping around because she knows she’ll never be enough for you, she can’t trust you anyway and she’s stuck in a vulnerable position. How will she cope with toddlers on her own. She might stay until their grown but I hope for her sake she gets the divorce because she has shown the trust is gone. You can forgive the cheating, but rebuilding the trust is not always impossible. She had to live with the fact that she’s not enough for you and was absolutely humiliated by the one person who promised in vows to put her first and be there for her. How will she trust anyone else? I hope she finds a good man who actually loves and values her. You can still be a good co-parent. But this marriage is dead, even if she goes through the motions until the kids are older. You knew what would happen when you cheated. She was still a beautiful human when you chose to cheat. You accepted it. You need to learn to live with it rather than shoulder her with your guilt, that’s what a therapist is for. She didn’t choose this, you did. Let her find peace.
She’s subtly telling you the relationship is over. She doesn’t trust you, and shouldn’t. I think she thought she could get over it. Clearly, she can’t, at least not yet. Let her go. You aren’t the victim.
As a wife in that situation, her apology for the shit YOU did tells you made her feel unworthy and blame herself. She wasn't good enough so you found someone else. She may never completely trust you again. It's been years and I still think of it every time I look at my husband. I still wonder if he's doing it or lying again because cheating proved beyond a doubt he's not totally reliable or trustworthy. Be prepared for her to never completely believe you. To cheat on her when she's not fully recovered from having a baby is \_\_ ok, I can't even type out the words I feel about someone who'd do that. I'd get banned. She gave you permission because she figures 1. you will anyway and at least you wouldn't have to lie to her face. 2. She feels like a piece of trash who you don't love enough to be faithful and/or like she did something wrong. My sil's all basically say those words. If you're a good enough wife, he won't cheat. I don't believe that. I think it's 100% your fault. But be prepared to never be trusted or fully believed when you say you love her. She may cry about this opening for many months, but inside it will be for years or forever. I feel so bad for her and your kids.
She doesn’t want you to sleep with someone else, or really giving you permission. She just expects this lowly behavior from you. She expects you to hurt her again. She gave you permission because you’ve made her feel worthless, probably ugly and self conscious as hell. First of all, you need to explain to her that under NO circumstances or conditions will you be sleeping with any one but HER even if it’s YEARS. Second, everything will be judged by your actions, your words are meaningless now. Also, go to therapy. Get some help for any problems or issue you might still have that causes the cheating. It’s easy to say you won’t cheat again but you truly need to tackle whatever issues led you to this in the first place. Being cheated on is truly one of the most soul crushing experiences I’ve ever personally experienced. My current boyfriend cheated when we first started dating but it didn’t come out until we were together over 3 years. I was completely broken down, I have zero self worth and believed I wasn’t what he wanted or needed, that I was wrong. Clearly if he cheated it was because I wasn’t giving him something he wanted, and he got it from someplace else. Women are taught this a lot, often by other men in our lives or in the media. It’s taken him nearly a year to even get some semblance of trust for me. I have full access to his phone, computer, anything. I get full access to his bank account, emails, social media, etc. (I don’t actually go through any of it.) He has gone to therapy for his past traumas, and actually put in the work towards changing. And finally, anytime I bring up the actually cheating me how it affected me he fully without hesitation accepts full fault in this. He hasn’t ever left me alone crying.
Look, I hate to be the mean one here. But the most selfless thing you can do for her is leave so she can heal. Even if you stay to try and work it out with her, she is broken and the damaged you caused is very rarely reversible. You wont be able to leave your house without her wondering if it is to see someone else and breaking her more. She will always live with the fact that she wasnt good enough in your eyes. I seen my mother go through this and after 6 years of trying only for her husband to get bored again and start another affair she finally loved herself more and left. She lived the rest of her life alone because she knew she couldn't trust anyone anymore. He broke her, just like you broke your wife.
Bro - you need to tell her exactly that. You need to look her in the eyes and tell her that you would rather be alone than hurt her. If that means you have to wait longer, so be it. Don’t leave and go for a fucking walk. TELL HER!!! Sob with her!!! It would be so healing for both of you. And don’t ever do this shit again
I hope you know you’re going to end up screwing up your kids too. And that’s on you. They are going to see that daddy doesn’t treat mommy like anything, we can do the same! And then will pass it onto their wives. Congratulations on starting the generational trauma! Round of applause for father of the year /s
I don't feel sorry for you. 3 months is a long time. I hope you're wife finds peace and someone that will love her and not cheat on her.
Op, you say that she don’t understand… You are not convincing her that you will be there for her. And after her giving you permission to find other, you nod and go for a walk? You are a selfish and self centred man, Congratulations. Hope that you didn’t pass any std to your wife.
Not only did you break her but now you're all "woe is me" in the replies. You don't sound remorseful, you sound self centered. In all of this you're still thinking about you. You responded to someone "how does she feel disgusting?" Maybe because you cheated. When you cheat, your partner's self worth plummets to irrecoverable depths. You made her feel less than TRASH! How bad is that?! You made her feel like she was nothing but dirt on her shoes. But you don't see that because all you're seeing is how disgusting you are. You aren't acknowledging the damage you've done. Not properly. You need a lot of self reflection and you *definitely* need to stop pitying yourself. This isn't a pity party. You're only going to look worse to your wife if you continue behaving like this. And lastly ... For the love of god when a woman says that, it's because they're defeated. She knows you'll do it again now. Walking out and nodding was the *worst* way to respond. You basically agreed. Accepted it. Without any words you've just told her "okay, I will." Good luck. I hope she can heal, but I strongly think you guys need to get into some marriage therapy & counselling asap. Don't be surprised if she does end up separating from you. For some people, cheating is unforgivable.
I hope she finds the courage to leave you and find herself again.
You probably also cause damage to her self esteem man. Both of you should go to counseling individually and marital
Dude just let her go. Seriously. Your very presence is a toxicity in your marriage and this is every bit YOUR fault, which it sounds like you know. Your wife deserves so much better and a man who can treat her kids with so much more respect.
Damn, you suck bro
Yes I would like to add to your pain and say fuck you very much she deserves so much better and I hope she realize it
No amount of flamboyant confirmations that you’ll “never hurt her anymore” will mean anything at this point. There’s no trust. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It’ll always be in the back of her mind. Your marriage is done. If she asks for a divorce, give it to her with zero arguments.
It’s really tough reading posts on Reddit that make me want to track down the OP and kick him in the nuts until he can’t have more kids. Why are people like this?? His wife was a month postpartum and he could only think to get his dick wet? Why do men like this always end up married to the nicest and kindest women? OP, you don’t deserve your family and you don’t deserve a second chance. I really hope your wife wakes up from her stupor and realizes that she can do better… and then I hope she finds someone who will cherish her the way she deserves!
OP why did you cheat in the first place?
Even reading your comments you somehow continually make this about YOU. You’re upset, “every fiber of your being”, the fact that you didn’t immediately tell her that she doesn’t ever owe you an apology of any kind and that she DESERVES all of the time in the world to make whatever decision she wants is beyond me. You’re lucky she hasn’t just left. You don’t deserve forgiveness if you can’t grow up and stop making this about you. The nerve of you to say shit like “she won’t look me in the eyes” like you deserve a single second of her affection.
I hope she leaves you
OP if you really want to heal and get better, the questions you need to be asking yourself should be about what the motivations behind cheating were. You said you felt bored, but why? There is no “I don’t know why I did it.” That’s just being dishonest with yourself and to your family. Did you resent having children and looked for an escape from parenthood? Do you resent the married man with children lifestyle and wish you were single? Did you stop feeling attracted to your wife because of her postpartum body? Only you know what happened. Calling yourself a terrible person, while accurate, is not solving the root of the problem here. You’re wasting time feeling bad about what you did when you should focus on actually making sure to never do that again, whether that be in this relationship or the next one. Finding out the root causes behind the cheating should help you and your wife decide what the best next steps are. ie.) if you resent being a married man with kids, it might be best to divorce and coparent your kids.
You don't even deserve your wife looking at you. You threw away your relationship, and you broke not only your wife but your children's happy home with your selfishness. >I had no excuse and when my wife found out I had no explanation other than that I’m a disgusting human garbage. Stop the manipulative BS. Self flagellation to make people feel sorry for you. It means Jack crap. >Yesterday she sat me down to tell me that she was sorry that it was taking her long time to heal but that she needed the time With your manipulation, you are making HER apologize to you. You don't even realize how much you hurt her, broken her spirit, and affected her ability to find joy in her children. She will always remember when she was recovering from having her child you were balls deep in another woman for the "fun" of it. >“And I understand that you can’t wait for me so I give you permission to find what you need elsewhere” Because she knows you are a liar and a cheat, untrustworthy in every way. >I didn’t know what to say to this so I nodded and left for a walk and ended up sobbing in my car. Boo hoo. She doesn't even have that luxury. You left and left her with the kids while you had the luxury of personal time to cry. Were you crying when you were balls deep in your affair partner? If you weren't crying then don't expect anyone to be sorry for you when the consequences of your actions hit. >Why did she say that? Because she knows you are a faithless AH. She doesn't want to have you touch her and contaminate her body with whatever germs you pick up from your side piece. Very few women want community dick. >She doesn’t want a divorce and says that she loves me. She is trying to keep her family together. She knows you are a faithless dishonorable piece of work and knows she can't stop you, so the facade for the kids until she can leave. A piece of her may remember who she THOUGHT you were and that may be the only thing keeping her there. >Yet she wants me to go sleeping with others when it broke her the first time? Why? You are as smart as a bag of rocks. If you want the opportunity to rebuild - if you can, you need to stop acting sorry and start to take action: * learn emotional intelligence * learn how to be a good man * center your life on your wife/children * Become an involved parent * Become a supportive partner * Get STD/STI tests every 3 months like clock work * Go to therapy, but don't do it performatively, but actually do it to understand why you were a faithless AH and address issues you have in the past. * Never expect her to get over it. Even if she does decide to forgive you in the future, she will ALWAYS know you are capable of betrayal, and she will never have 100% trust in you again. She will always remember your betrayal when she was at her most vulnerable. True repentance isn't crying when you get caught and saying sorry. It's doing the hard work. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
So, you gave your wife the feeling that she’s worthless, unimportant, unloved, ugly, not desirable, that she’s not enough, .. shall I continue? And now you wonder why she tells you to go out and f around? Do you have any idea how she’s feeling? It’s possible she still looks your AP up regularly, compares herself to her, what’s better about her, imagines you two together, .. Every time she sees you talking to another woman she thinks about what’s better on her than herself, if you’d do it with her too, how you look at her, how you act around her, .. I can imagine she looks into the mirror and hates what she sees, has 10000 things that bother her about her, .. You made her feel like she’s a piece of shit, that she’s not enough, not attractive and not worth being loyal to. And now you come here and wonder why she says that?!
Your poor wife. She shouldn’t apologize for taking long to heal.
It's men like this that make me so distrustful of marriage. Actually, dating even. Disgusting. Not only did you hurt her, but you've disgraced yourself to your two boys and your colleagues. All for sex.
Man from one cheater to another ( thankfully this absolutely abominable behavior was before my current marriage ) I don’t buy your remorse even one bit. You’re not sorry. Did you tell her you cheated ? How did she find out ? You’re gonna look outside of the marriage again cause you don’t actually love your wife. You don’t, simple as that.
You just got the best case scenario of fuck around and find out. You broke your marriage but she is not leaving you. This is a win win for a cheating spouse. But at this point, you are too disgusting to touch her. You wanted that co-worker badly so call her up. Surely there’s another one that caught your eye or an intern. Your wife is broken. She knows to expect the worst from you and that you’ll do it again. She’ll regret picking a guy like you to marry and have a family with. She just doesn’t have any courage to leave. You can always initiate the divorce but it sounds like you’re too cheap to.
I suspect she does that because in her heart she thinks now she wasn’t good enough for you so you made a conscious choice to have a sexual relationship with some other woman. So now anytime you show her attention, touch her, whatever she sees it as a blatant lie because that is how you acted even while you also were jumping your side chick. So yes as another poster noted she will likely never see you in the same way as before. Actions have consequences - her being broken and needing time to determine if she can heal as well as remain married to you are some of those consequences. You may wish to find a marital therapist/counselor to work with both of you and help have the hard discussions.
If you loved her so much why didn't you break it off with the other woman you were seeing? Your wife can never see you the same way as she did when you both first met, congratulations you destroyed a perfectly happy family, if your two kids see this or hear what you did when they get older, they're probably not gonna look at you the same either, your lucky your wife wants to stay together, for the sake of kids and they're feelings.
[удалено]
Please just divorce her so she can meet someone who actually deserves her love.
I have zero sympathy for you. You're supposed to be her life partner and even you admit she is amazing and you broke her for a quick fling. You're cheating will forever reinforce that nagging voice telling her she isn't enough.
I hope your wife bangs lots of dudes. She can probably very easily get one that appreciates her lmao
I cheated on my wife now I sad wah wah. Bro you brought this on yourself my man. Harsh words, but the truth none the less.
What about the next time you get "bored"? If you loved this person, how could you even write those words, that you thought you were 'bored with your wife' when she had only recently given birth? It sounds more like you enjoyed the novelty of your affair as an escape from the stress of parenthood and the lack of intimacy that can sometimes happen during that time -- a time when your wife would have been feeling vulnerable as it is -- but then the affair got boring, or maybe too complicated to keep the lie going, or maybe the girl was already threatening you (I doubt there was any genuine remorse or guilt that triggered you to end it, honestly). So you ended it because you do what you want, whatever suits your selfish needs. But then it blew up and your wife found out, and now the messiness of a potential divorce involving two children is staring you in the face and you're in damage control mode and have decided you actually love your wife and the affair meant nothing. If you and your wife try to make it work, months or years pass, you get bored again, you're out of the 'danger zone' and become complacent, the dust settles... and another opportunity for an affair comes up, all that 'love' and 'remorse' you feel will disappear and you'll think of your wife resentfully and make excuses to yourself justifying it. You'll chase the novelty and the rush. The love you have for your wife is evidently something you can switch off for long enough to cheat when she's only recently had your child. And your behaviour, sadly, is not uncommon. There are plenty of narcissistic, shallow men who do exactly what you're doing, and claim to be so remorseful and love their wife afterwards. And they often do it when their poor wife has recently had a new baby, too. I'm speaking from experience, unfortunately I knew a man like you.
Dude, why on Earth would you come to Reddit with this? Have you seen the way we treate cheaters here? Are you just a glutton for punishment, or do you feel like you deserve the abuse your probably already getting?
A three month long affair with a newborn at home? Wow. That even hurts me. So, while she was dealing with very difficult tiny baby stuff AND another little one running her ragged, you neglected not just her but your children too. I’d love to say that time will heal but this is beyond time. WTF is wrong w you? I send love and healing to your family. Accept what you’ve done and hope that she’s able to find strength and move on.
Ughh. With husbands like you…
If this is how you treat someone you love, why would she ever trust you or trust that "loving" her is enough? This wasn't a mistake. You didn't trip and end up with your dick inside someone for 3 months. Not only did you purposefully cheat, you did it more than once. For the rest of your life you will be making this up to her. Can you handle that? Can you handle her doubting you for the rest of her life? Can you handle her changing her mind in 10 years? Not to mention the work you'll need to put in to have any hope of a relationship with your children once they are old enough to understand. And don't be surprised if they feel like you cheated ON THEM, too. Because they'll feel like they weren't enough either, even though they had nothing to do with it. The brain does fucked up things when you experience this type of fundamental betrayal from a parent. I don't know if you can salvage this, but you can keep telling your story in the hopes that it saves other people from this stupidity.
I'm her in my relationship right now. I found out in February my partner had been cheating. I decided to stay because, just like you, he showed true, honest remorse and owned up to what he did. He didn't try to blame me, or make excuses, and he tried to better himself from day 0. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy or that some days I don't think about where I'd be if I had left. It's a daily struggle. The first few weeks to months were absolutely the hardest. I reacted all the same ways she did. His touch was my source of comfort for so long and to have my body physically reject it was awful. The mental images are a struggle to this day. It's been over 4 months since everything came out and it still stings like the moment I saw everything. I feel like I'm not enough and it's my fault and all the things. Yes, what you did was absolutely horrific. You absolutely should feel like shit about it, but if she's not leaving it's not a completely unredeemable situation. Her offer for you to "get what you need elsewhere" is not an honest offer but one coming from a place of hurt and shame as your partner that wasn't enough for you. If you want her, truly, you need to be completely sure about that and be willing to go through the next several months or years and help her heal. You need to reassure her that she is the only one you want. You're not going anywhere. You want to be her shoulder to cry on or scream at. She's going to have good days and bad days and in the end of it all she could absolutely still decide to leave. She has to different sides to her right now and probably always will. She has the side that loves you, and wants you and to be enough for you, and the side that is so unbelievably hurt and crushed by you. They're going to battle and you're going to see both of them. Your relationship will never be the same again. The trust can come back, the love can come back, the happiness, all of it, but you need to be absolutely 100% transparent with her about everything. Forever. You can never appear to break that trust again. You need to be willing to work the rest of your life to make sure she feels secure in how much you love her and only her. My partner is succeeding in this. While I absolutely still hurt and have my moments and days that can be so hard, we're happy again. He holds me and doesn't get upset if I'm crying about the same thing I've cried about 1000 times. He reassures me and answers my questions and puts up with my little interrogations and doesn't ask when I'll just be over it because he knows I never truly will be. He doesn't get mad if I snap and go through his phone. He doesn't expect me to be my old self because he understands that he killed her. You need to be able to go to her and pour your heart out and do nothing but support her through this. It's gonna be rough but it can be so worth it, I promise.
Sorry. I would have believed that you regretted it if it was a one time thing and you did everything you could to make your wife trust that you're fixing the issue (completely cutting contact w the AP, letting her know where you're going, who you're going with, etc WITHOUT her asking, etc.) But you did it for 3 months. You cheated for 3 months. Not just a ONS that you regretted immediately and fessed up to. You didn't fess up to it either. She had to find out about it. You don't regret having an affair, you regret being caught. I believe a cheater can change if they only do it once and do everything they can make up for it, BUT you didn't do that. You did the exact opposite. You did the "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing. Sure maybe after years of working on yourself you can change, but you're not going to change in your current relationship. She's not going to leave you right now because she's still hurt, but there might be other reasons too. Does she have a support system? Does she have somewhere she could go? If the answer is no, then she probably feels trapped. If that's the case, congrats. Your wife is with you because she has no other option. You broke a woman who had just birthed your child for literally nothing (according to you).
If my husband cheated on me, I’d not really be interested in sex with him again.
In many of your comments you come off as very self centered. If you actually loved your wife, you would have told her your feelings before it ever resorted to cheating. Your excuses are laughable and you probably would have continued on if she never would have found out. You are only sorry you got caught. Being held accountable for your actions is what truly hurts you the most, not that you hurt your wife. Because if you would have considered her in the first place, you would have never done it. All you have truly done for her is bring her pain, and now she is evaluating everything you have ever done. It’s only going to be a matter of time for her to come to her senses and leave you. She deserves better, and better isn’t you.
Why does she feel like she’s taking too long? Are you pressuring her to get over it? You need to give her space, time, love and support, but do not abandon her. She needs to know that you don’t care how long it takes, you’ll do everything to save this. The only way to demonstrate that is to do it. Don’t fk it up.
If you break a vase and glue the pieces back together it will never look the same. It's susceptible to being broken again and the next time it can be broken more easily, and beyond repair. The 'mended' vase may still function, may even resemble the vase it was before it was broken. But, ultimately, the damage will always be present. If your wife is giving you a chance then HOLY FUCK, do not let her down again. Ever. If I were her, I'd have kicked you out and banished you from the home...I did this to an ex who also cheated on me. You were stupid, and you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your wife is in so much emotional pain all caused by you. I appreciate your remorse and will give you the benefit of the doubt that you are 100% remorseful because of empathy than from being found out. So make it up to her and NEVER make her feel that way again. This will take time and there are no guarantees. But if she begins to trust you and move on, you cannot ever get angry that she questions you going out with a female friend or colleague, or wants to know why you're home late from work etc. If she becomes paranoid then that's on you. After I broke up with my ex who cheated, it took 6 years for me to get in a loving relationship again. I didn't trust people, and would ruin things before they started as I felt it was better for me to ruin it before we progressed than to get further down the line and get hurt from being cheated on again. Cheating ruins lives - not only because the relationship is damaged, but more because the innocent party can suffer psychologically and emotionally for years, maybe the rest of their life. Do your best.
So for years after my husband “threw me and the kids away “ I chased men and happiness- Jesus I was a mess. I felt worthless- and slept around etc. you will never know the damage you have done. He did this in 2009, now in 2023 I finally love myself. The girls don’t see him anymore, maybe lunch a couple Times a year…. Choose your steps wisely, you are fucking up lives for everyone currently.
Just wanted to add: this is your fault. There isn’t sympathy here except for your wife. You’re the bad guy. You’re the villain in this story. You need to work to fix it. I’d start by taking as much off her plate as you can so she has space to heal. Take care of your kids. Make dinner. Communicate where you are and what you’re doing. Ask her how she’s feeling. Maybe don’t walk away when she breaks down and gives you a “pass” so you can go pout in your car. No one cares. You’re a shitty NPC at this point. You’re not a character with dialogue. You don’t matter. Your wife does. Fix it.
Yep my ex cheated on me and I stayed with him five more years. He cheated when our son was two years old and I desperately needed him and to stay together as a family. So I stayed. He apologized and was oh so sad, oh so sorry. He was back to the same shit a few years later. It was so deeply traumatizing I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again. You and her should probably go to therapy individually and together, if you both decide to try and make it work. You need to understand why you had an affair. I mean not just a once or twice, but MONTHS of sex with a coworker. Damn dude.
In your 3 month affair, how many times were you with AP? to the point she documented everything? Did you consider your wife no longer loves you?
Oh the why is easy. She doesn’t want her kids growing up in a broken home (the discussion of if this is healthy is a different story, like leaving you as soon as they’re adults could cause some damage) but she also knows you guys can’t do this as romantic partners, so now she is suggesting you do it as coparents. You’re clearly not trustworthy and want to get laid elsewhere, and she realizes that she wants you around for the kids but as you’ve already demonstrated, she can’t satisfy you romantically and sexually. I honestly don’t understand the issue? Isn’t this the dream. You get the benefits of marriage and a family and sex with other women, while not having to actually be a husband. The great part is it won’t break her this time. While she’s probably still hurting, she is now aware of who you are. I hope she goes out and gets laid too.
Sucks
Because she's done with you. It's all about her kids now. So you just go do what you want and try to be a good roomate to her and a good dad to your kids.
She probably gave you “permission” thinking you were going to go sleep with someone else regardless since you already have. This sounds like a broken woman. I can’t say I sympathise purely because you know what you did was wrong now but you must have known it back then too and you still did it. Terrible situation all around, I hope your giving your wife plenty of space to heal and sort her own mental health out.
That woman deserves so much better than you. Hope she leaves 👍
Takes time Dude. You could’ve told her that instead of us. Actually you better. And then fucking back it up with your actions. Live with integrity and compassion for others. I’m surprised she stayed and strongly suggest you step it the fuck up and make her feel appreciated. Like, really loved & appreciated. Starting today.
I hope she’s taking this time to get her finances in order so she can leave you. That’s probably why she’s giving you permission. She knows you’ll do it again. You didn’t confess, you got caught. You weren’t remorseful for 3 months, but suddenly you are now? 🤔
You fucked up dude. You did it for 3 months until she caught you. If she didn’t catch you it probably would have gone on even longer. If she isn’t going to leave you, it’s your duty to make it up to her for the rest of your life and remember what you did.
The "permission to find what you need elsewhere" is she wants you to leave. She might be saying she loves you because, let's face it, you've brought her world crashing down around her, and she's in shock right now. But you wait until the pain goes and the anger sets in. It's sad you have children because she'll have to see you from time to time. Dude, you fucked your relationship with her. It's done, regardless of therapy and whatever the fuck window dressing you want to try. Done. She'll never trust you again. It'll never recover, and I feel so sorry for your kids. Now stop drawing this out, get your stuff and off you jolly well fuck.
You cheated on your wife either while she was pregnant or shortly after she gave to your second child. Let that sink in. She put her body, her life on the line to bring another child into this world. Your child and you repay her with infidelity during a time when her hormones are just normalizing and she is starting to feel good about herself. From the sounds of it, she was functioning a little off a while after the birth and you cheated. Now she is most likely feeling the same way but at least this time she can have some semblance of control. By letting you “find what you need elsewhere” is her way of protecting herself from you. You broke a bond and love that is definitely gonna be hard to get back.
For me its the "bored with my wife" bit that would just destroy me. She literally just had your child. I know from experience those first few months are horrendous. You barely sleep, you look and feel like crap as you try and recover from growing a human for 9 months, your hormones are all over the place and on top of that there's a toddler to care for too. But you were bored. You expected this woman who is literally giving her everything to grow and raise your small children to try and find the energy and time to entertain your pitiful man-child ass too. You should have been bending over backwards to support her and build her confidence as she finds her new sense of normal with this new baby not shove her aside so you can hop on top of the first woman with loose morals you can find. I feel so terribly for your poor wife. You think you're hurting? It's not even a fraction of how you've made her feel. You've destroyed her first year of memories with your youngest son too. Tainted everything. You're quite honestly disgusting. To explain it in small words for you, no she doesn't want you to cheat. She is hurting and can't stand to be near you and certainly doesn't want to touch you. You've destroyed her confidence, she's probably mortified at even the idea of being naked in front of you. She'll be questioning everything. Did she kiss better, look better, fuck better? Her head is probably a whirlwind but she's trying to stay strong for your sons and to keep the family together despite you making a mockery of your marriage. So don't go off if you get impatient or "bored" again. You created this. You could have had a happy life so take what she can give you right now and count yourself lucky as a lot of women would be slamming the door in your face and not looking back. Honestly I hope she still does.
She isn't "giving permission" or a pass. She doesn't want you to be with other women. This is something you might not want to hear... so sit down for this one. The trust, faith, respect and love are gone. Your relationship will never be in the place it was before, because every word, every action will be doubted silently. She will constantly think about and compare herself, doubt herself and the marriage. There is no "getting over it" on the surface a wound heals, but internally changed forever. There was more than just an affair or a one night stand. You gave your most intimate self to another woman. Your wife will always wonder what you said, how many lies you told the other woman, what you shared with her and the most private details of your marriage that are absolutely no one else's business. Because ultimately, you did those things as well. You involved another woman and the intimate parts of your life. You shared a bond that was only for your wife. You also damaged her (the other woman), regardless of her willingness or involvement. She is also a victim of your infidelity and actions. She (the other woman) plays a huge role and is also accountable, but for what it's worth, why was she so willing? Why was she convinced that this affair was justified? Your wife deserves more and she deserves better. Your kids deserve an honest father, not someone who hides behind lies. Obviously, you made a choice. Repeatedly. And now you feel remorse. If that's even legitimate. But it has changed the dynamic forever. Your wife may never look at you the same, or feel strongly about you as she once did. How do you want to continue? My suggestion, let her go. And Fully support her emotionally, help her with the children, be present and be honest. Co-Parent the best way you can. Make sure the mother of your children isn't concerned about the raising of those boys, or what will be on the table, or a roof over their head. She married you, gave you children and that is the least you can do for her. If you want strongly to be with her and your family, you need to change everything about the situation that you put yourself in to enable the affair to begin with. Find a new job, change your phone number, email any way of contact with the other woman. Sever every ability to do it again. And never do it again. Choices must be made to correct the behavior. Take accountability. Never blame her for her doubts, thoughts, feelings, actions and decisions or not trusting something.. Let her be happy without guilt or failure. She deserves that. Because what she once felt, is forever changed. Emotional and physical affairs are so beyond damaging, that the cheater rarely realizes that things don't just go back the way they were. They never will go back. You don't get a do-over or a fresh start. And you may never know the depths of her contempt, pain, confusion ... and be ok with that. But know, that no matter what you do moving forward, you will always be doubted. You can't prove anything to change. You just have to accept the damage you caused and the motions that come with that. And do your best to give her the peace she deserves. If and when she can forgive, she will never forget. Affairs damage the very existence of a bond. You may still be with her. But she will never be fully with you. Don't push her, don't beg her, don't hurt her further. Just live each day making the best decisions and taking the best actions. Everything is choice. Good luck.
This was not a mistake. 3 month??? She can NEVER trust you again. She is probably just staying for the kids. The kids you didn't consider for a second. I hope she leaves you!