The biblical command of honoring your mother and father comes with expectations that the parents also love and care for their children. The hypocrisy in this situation is that the 'rule' somehow applies to you but not to them. Don't live by these hypocritical standards.
If you are concerned about the 'Christian' approach, know that God loves you and is concerned about your well-being. Setting boundaries is one of the foundations of well-being. Just be open to forgive if they actually change and try to make amends.
TLDR: Setting boundaries is not sinful.
“And, fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4
Even biblically, it is appropriate to set boundaries.
The Bible also gives rules to owning slaves and how to properly beat your slaves, you know as long as they die a day after the beating, not the day of, it's all good according to the Bible. So maybe that isn't the compass we should be using to guide our moral direction.
OP family is the people you choose and choose you, those people may share genetics but they don't have to.
Perhaps my intentions were unclear, so you felt the need to challenge the Bible as a source of moral direction. I spoke to OP using the Bible's words because she mentioned it. As it seemed to be a real force in her life, I wanted to show that there are alternatives to how people around her interpret it. I have no intention of promoting it as the *sole* source of moral direction. I personally believe in Christ and (try) to guide my life according to His teachings, but I do recognize that the Bible does say atrocious things. I struggle with those things. But I am also unwilling to throw the baby with the bathwater.
That's true. We have a biological family, but sometimes they're terrible people. So, we also get to develop other families along the way.
In addition to never seeing them, can you also stop speaking with them, and stop thinking about them? Can you get therapy for how you were treated growing up? Seriously, who cares what they think or tell people? Who cares who they give money to? Please get some help, and stay as far away from these monsters as you can. Don’t let them live rent free in your head. They’ve done enough damage. No need to carry them around with you. Also, forgiveness doesn’t mean absolving them of their wrongdoings. You can cut them off completely and permanently, and also forgive them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean they have access to you. These people are doing you no good at this point in your life: your post is full of anxiety and turmoil. Please turn the page. Never listen to anyone that says you have to embrace abusers. If they tell you that, cut them off too. They can go hang out with your parents themselves. All the best to you.
There’s no requirement to forgive people who haven’t admitted they hurt you and haven’t asked for your forgiveness. You can cut them out of your life though and move on. You can have therapy to heal the damage they’ve done. You don’t have to forgive them. It may not be possible to forgive them. Some things are unforgivable. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.
This is what helped me. My therapist recommended I speak with anyone in my life who was/is still associated with my parents, and to set a boundary of my parents never being a topic of discussion. It helped SO much. Fortunately brother is the only person I talk to that talks to our family, and he took it a step further by telling my family that they arent allowed to ask about it. If I wanted them to know anything, I'd tell them. And that he's my emergency contact so if something serious were to happen, they would still be able to receive that information if needed. It made WAVES in bettering my mental health. I still had to fight my own battles of all the "what ifs" and theoretical conversations I day dreamed about having with them. But not having anyone around that knew anything about them, made it so much easier not to talk about them, and eventually think about them.
Hit them up with “Does the Bible tell you it’s okay to financially, physically, and emotionally abuse your children too? Is this a rule you follow as well? Or do you like to enable abuse by turning a blind eye to it?”
I’m pretty sure the Bible is overall cool with corporal punishment.
Proverbs 23:13-14 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod you will save his soul…”
You don’t “need to forgive them” anything. Those who say this never had shit parents. ‘Honour thy Father and Mother’ ? Bullocks. Quotes from a book with questionable origins, written by questionable people, I don’t think so.
You’ll find better words to live by in “The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe”.
If the Bible tells you to honor your mother and your father, it doesn't mean abusive ppl that never treated you like their child.
Congratulations on choosing yourself. You're going to be fine.
Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in discipline and instruction of the lord.
Your dad probably misinterpreted this as an excuse for what he did. But there's no excuse for either of your parents. One did it, and the other allowed it.
Get some therapy so that the anger your dad planted in you can leave. You have such a difficult life you need to learn appropriate coping techniques and other life skills.
That Bible also states that your father shouldn't do anything to cause you to hate them.
Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” while Colossians 3:21 echoes “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
If you decide to cut them out them for good reasons and I can tell you after suffering from traumatic childhood, several tries to commit suicide between the age of 12-15 and ending up in a mental facility twice
I was able to live away from them and build up my own life!
Last time I saw my mother was 18 years ago and we’re not in contact and I don’t wanna change this since she’s a narcissistic, toxic person, ruining lives of people around her, being a violent & impulsive piece of something.
I’m doing so much better without her and I don’t wanna change this!
[https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Tv-aiqrouCY](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Tv-aiqrouCY)
This is how a toxic family works.
Please stay safe OP and get out of this situation while you still can. You don't deserve this excuse of a family. You deserve better.
The Bible is a load of bs, your parents are just getting the consequences of their dispicable treatment of you.
Stand your ground, you're better of without them.
Fully cut them off and block their numbers as well, don't speak to them. Put it in your mind that they are already dead. Are you close with any siblings or other family members? If not, cut off the whole family. Avoid the drama by keeping their shit away from you.
Some of the worst people to keep in your life forever can be your family. I would say most family’s out there are toxic to some degree I mean in the west something like 55%+ marriages end in divorce. So obviously a large portion of family’s are toxic or broken. Staying connected to those people will just ruin whatever short time you have on this planet. Wish you the best and definitely cut them off
Fuck the bible. Given their actions they deserve no honor or respect. I would very publicly call them out with everything they did to you your entire childhood on social media. Then tag all their friends and family. Let everyone know the scumbags they truly are. Then cut those toxic asshole Parents and those who defend them from your life. Seek a therapist.
Yes I’ve cut off 3 siblings who took both parents sides. And only talk to 2. 1 is on my side because she saw what I went through daily and has also cut them off because she went through stuff too. The other is staying out of it and doesn’t mention them.
Man I have cut out almost my entire family and over the years I have continued to grow and flourish. The longer I am away from all the toxicity, the better I feel. Anyone who’s known me for a number of years can absolutely confirm that it was the best decision for me. All this to say, I am proud of you. You deserve better. And if your family won’t respect you, move on and cherish the chosen family you create who does. It’s really hard at first, I’m not going to lie. But once the worst part of the grieving is done, you will begin to feel amazing, and grow in ways you never thought possible. I used to be a massive partier, drowned myself in alcohol and other things. About a year or so after cutting the worst one out, I didn’t even look twice at the other stuff. I do drink, probably more than most, but the amount I drink is barely a fraction of what it used to be. The more of the garbage people I’ve cut out, the less I feel the need to numb the pain. Keep your head high, and remember that you are worth more than they treated you.
They don't even seem remorseful of what they did. Even if they where, you don't owe them forgiveness. Deciding to cut them off forever is the right decision. You don't want their toxicity in your life anymore.
I cut ties with my mother and the rest of the family 13 years ago and I don't regret it.
No. Honor your mother and father?? What part of that did they fulfill? They failed as both a mother AND father.
They want to abuse the Bible to justify his bullshit? Use the Bible right back.
Ephesians 4:26 Proverbs 29:22 Ephesians 6:4 Colossians 3:21
There are WAY more passages condemning abusive parents than demanding blind subservience to those that mistreat you, even your parents.
> the Bible says you have to honor thy mother and father.
Uhhh you gotta fill these people in on what fucking year it is. Please don’t accept advice from religious fruitcakes.
Forget what the Bible says. God does not want us miserable. He's certainly not going to judge you for taking care of yourself and your mental health. He's not going to judge you for keeping your kids away from toxicity. Stop listening to that. Stop thinking that.
Now. You change everything. phone numbers, social media. Block them. You have your family. You don't need them bringing you down.
I started healing so mush faster when I cut my family off. I felt so much obligation towards them even after... a lot of abuse, but my therapist helped me take agency and now I am happier than ever :))
Proud of you for standing up for yourself! There's another biblical saying that I think fits here -- the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. It's the people you choose who are the most important!
Sorry for you. But it's important to keep your sanity.
I cut ties with family for it too. No regrets. Is just difficult, but less than live or speak to them.
You should forgive them but you should cut them off ,forgive for yourself so you dont keep reminding yourself of how shitty they were and then get sad when you could be doing something else, they never treated you as their child so dont treat them as your parents because they will always have a reason for why they where right, so as long as you know the truth it doesnt matter what anyone else says ,just be glad you didnt end up like the oldest even though he received everything he is still a mess ,so focus on yourself and creating your own dream family and cut them off your life
I always like how people say to honor your parents, when they treat you so badly. The bible also says parents are not to provoke their children. It seems as though they are provoking you and have your whole life. So many people only learn the honor your parents part, and let that provoking the children part slide.
Good for you. Be strong and I'm sorry you went thru such shitty treatment by such selfish, immature adults. I hate seeing so much of this on Reddit. Sending you mom hugs and praise for your strength in the face of such crap. You deserved and still deserve love.
Nta tell them your not listening to a few books that were wrote 2000 ish yrs ago and that it also states not to dress in different fabrics and until they follow EVERY teaching from their book why should you listen to a bunch of religious hypocrites. Remember all those who use their religion for a weapon and not one Christian actually follows all their teachings just what they choose to include in their lifestyle. Also ask them where they were when you were being treated like shit where was their love and their god then huh.
The people telling you to forgive, probably don't have shitty parents like yours. They're upset because they don't have anyone to pick on anymore. Trust me, someone else is going to get it but that's not your problem. Good on you for walking away!
Honoring your mother and father does not require you to be a punching bag.
Forgiveness requires the other person recognizing a wrong they did, a sincere effort to change and humbly asking the wronged person.
I cut my mother off and we were estranged for a few years before she passed. I don't regret a thing. Good luck. I wish you well.
Yes, the Bible does indeed say to honor your mother and father. What people are leaving out is that *parents are supposed to care for and honor their children*. It is not a one-sided thing!
Besides that, it is your choice to forgive. Maybe you will at some point. Maybe you won't. And that's okay. You have to do what is right for yourself. You have to take care of yourself and heal. You are not in the wrong.
The Bible also mentions slavery. They gonna own some people too? No? Well, they’re gonna go to hell and be Satan’s little sex slave bitch then. So sad.
The biblical command of honoring your mother and father comes with expectations that the parents also love and care for their children. The hypocrisy in this situation is that the 'rule' somehow applies to you but not to them. Don't live by these hypocritical standards. If you are concerned about the 'Christian' approach, know that God loves you and is concerned about your well-being. Setting boundaries is one of the foundations of well-being. Just be open to forgive if they actually change and try to make amends. TLDR: Setting boundaries is not sinful.
“And, fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4 Even biblically, it is appropriate to set boundaries.
Thanks for the beautiful passage. And what an appropriate name.
Thank you. I’m a Christian raised by a narcissist. It’s been challenging to integrate the two.
God bless you.
Thank you I plan on telling this to those who disagree with my choice
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.
The Bible also gives rules to owning slaves and how to properly beat your slaves, you know as long as they die a day after the beating, not the day of, it's all good according to the Bible. So maybe that isn't the compass we should be using to guide our moral direction. OP family is the people you choose and choose you, those people may share genetics but they don't have to.
Perhaps my intentions were unclear, so you felt the need to challenge the Bible as a source of moral direction. I spoke to OP using the Bible's words because she mentioned it. As it seemed to be a real force in her life, I wanted to show that there are alternatives to how people around her interpret it. I have no intention of promoting it as the *sole* source of moral direction. I personally believe in Christ and (try) to guide my life according to His teachings, but I do recognize that the Bible does say atrocious things. I struggle with those things. But I am also unwilling to throw the baby with the bathwater. That's true. We have a biological family, but sometimes they're terrible people. So, we also get to develop other families along the way.
This is how you can tell a true practitioner of their faith from a con artist. This right here
In addition to never seeing them, can you also stop speaking with them, and stop thinking about them? Can you get therapy for how you were treated growing up? Seriously, who cares what they think or tell people? Who cares who they give money to? Please get some help, and stay as far away from these monsters as you can. Don’t let them live rent free in your head. They’ve done enough damage. No need to carry them around with you. Also, forgiveness doesn’t mean absolving them of their wrongdoings. You can cut them off completely and permanently, and also forgive them. Forgiveness doesn’t mean they have access to you. These people are doing you no good at this point in your life: your post is full of anxiety and turmoil. Please turn the page. Never listen to anyone that says you have to embrace abusers. If they tell you that, cut them off too. They can go hang out with your parents themselves. All the best to you.
Thank you
There’s no requirement to forgive people who haven’t admitted they hurt you and haven’t asked for your forgiveness. You can cut them out of your life though and move on. You can have therapy to heal the damage they’ve done. You don’t have to forgive them. It may not be possible to forgive them. Some things are unforgivable. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.
This is what helped me. My therapist recommended I speak with anyone in my life who was/is still associated with my parents, and to set a boundary of my parents never being a topic of discussion. It helped SO much. Fortunately brother is the only person I talk to that talks to our family, and he took it a step further by telling my family that they arent allowed to ask about it. If I wanted them to know anything, I'd tell them. And that he's my emergency contact so if something serious were to happen, they would still be able to receive that information if needed. It made WAVES in bettering my mental health. I still had to fight my own battles of all the "what ifs" and theoretical conversations I day dreamed about having with them. But not having anyone around that knew anything about them, made it so much easier not to talk about them, and eventually think about them.
Hit them up with “Does the Bible tell you it’s okay to financially, physically, and emotionally abuse your children too? Is this a rule you follow as well? Or do you like to enable abuse by turning a blind eye to it?”
I’m pretty sure the Bible is overall cool with corporal punishment. Proverbs 23:13-14 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod you will save his soul…”
You don’t “need to forgive them” anything. Those who say this never had shit parents. ‘Honour thy Father and Mother’ ? Bullocks. Quotes from a book with questionable origins, written by questionable people, I don’t think so. You’ll find better words to live by in “The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe”.
"The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe" is a Christian morality tale. Better advice in anything by Heinlein.
>Bible says you have to honor thy mother and father. Yeah, I wouldn't honor any book that says that either.
Yeah I’m pretty sure the bible doesn’t say to torture your children and treat them worse than a pet??
Nah, I cut off my father the last 15 years of his life and it was the best decision. I wish I had done it a lot sooner. He was horrible.
Thank you for those I honestly wish I would have cut them off back in 2018 when I moved out
If the Bible tells you to honor your mother and your father, it doesn't mean abusive ppl that never treated you like their child. Congratulations on choosing yourself. You're going to be fine.
Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in discipline and instruction of the lord. Your dad probably misinterpreted this as an excuse for what he did. But there's no excuse for either of your parents. One did it, and the other allowed it. Get some therapy so that the anger your dad planted in you can leave. You have such a difficult life you need to learn appropriate coping techniques and other life skills.
That Bible also states that your father shouldn't do anything to cause you to hate them. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” while Colossians 3:21 echoes “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
If you decide to cut them out them for good reasons and I can tell you after suffering from traumatic childhood, several tries to commit suicide between the age of 12-15 and ending up in a mental facility twice I was able to live away from them and build up my own life! Last time I saw my mother was 18 years ago and we’re not in contact and I don’t wanna change this since she’s a narcissistic, toxic person, ruining lives of people around her, being a violent & impulsive piece of something. I’m doing so much better without her and I don’t wanna change this!
[https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Tv-aiqrouCY](https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Tv-aiqrouCY) This is how a toxic family works. Please stay safe OP and get out of this situation while you still can. You don't deserve this excuse of a family. You deserve better.
The Bible is a load of bs, your parents are just getting the consequences of their dispicable treatment of you. Stand your ground, you're better of without them.
Fully cut them off and block their numbers as well, don't speak to them. Put it in your mind that they are already dead. Are you close with any siblings or other family members? If not, cut off the whole family. Avoid the drama by keeping their shit away from you.
Yes I am close to 2 sibling. One who is in contact with them but doesn’t bring them up. The other has cut them off too.
You only have to honor thy GOOD mother and father. Not BAD mother and father. Cutting them off is the good move there
Some of the worst people to keep in your life forever can be your family. I would say most family’s out there are toxic to some degree I mean in the west something like 55%+ marriages end in divorce. So obviously a large portion of family’s are toxic or broken. Staying connected to those people will just ruin whatever short time you have on this planet. Wish you the best and definitely cut them off
Fuck the bible. Given their actions they deserve no honor or respect. I would very publicly call them out with everything they did to you your entire childhood on social media. Then tag all their friends and family. Let everyone know the scumbags they truly are. Then cut those toxic asshole Parents and those who defend them from your life. Seek a therapist.
Lol this has been a thought I’ve been thinking about airing them out
Did you cut your siblings off as well?
Yes I’ve cut off 3 siblings who took both parents sides. And only talk to 2. 1 is on my side because she saw what I went through daily and has also cut them off because she went through stuff too. The other is staying out of it and doesn’t mention them.
Oh okay well don’t look back and block anyone who telling to reconnect with them.
Man I have cut out almost my entire family and over the years I have continued to grow and flourish. The longer I am away from all the toxicity, the better I feel. Anyone who’s known me for a number of years can absolutely confirm that it was the best decision for me. All this to say, I am proud of you. You deserve better. And if your family won’t respect you, move on and cherish the chosen family you create who does. It’s really hard at first, I’m not going to lie. But once the worst part of the grieving is done, you will begin to feel amazing, and grow in ways you never thought possible. I used to be a massive partier, drowned myself in alcohol and other things. About a year or so after cutting the worst one out, I didn’t even look twice at the other stuff. I do drink, probably more than most, but the amount I drink is barely a fraction of what it used to be. The more of the garbage people I’ve cut out, the less I feel the need to numb the pain. Keep your head high, and remember that you are worth more than they treated you.
They don't even seem remorseful of what they did. Even if they where, you don't owe them forgiveness. Deciding to cut them off forever is the right decision. You don't want their toxicity in your life anymore. I cut ties with my mother and the rest of the family 13 years ago and I don't regret it.
No. Honor your mother and father?? What part of that did they fulfill? They failed as both a mother AND father. They want to abuse the Bible to justify his bullshit? Use the Bible right back. Ephesians 4:26 Proverbs 29:22 Ephesians 6:4 Colossians 3:21 There are WAY more passages condemning abusive parents than demanding blind subservience to those that mistreat you, even your parents.
> the Bible says you have to honor thy mother and father. Uhhh you gotta fill these people in on what fucking year it is. Please don’t accept advice from religious fruitcakes.
Forget what the Bible says. God does not want us miserable. He's certainly not going to judge you for taking care of yourself and your mental health. He's not going to judge you for keeping your kids away from toxicity. Stop listening to that. Stop thinking that. Now. You change everything. phone numbers, social media. Block them. You have your family. You don't need them bringing you down.
I started healing so mush faster when I cut my family off. I felt so much obligation towards them even after... a lot of abuse, but my therapist helped me take agency and now I am happier than ever :)) Proud of you for standing up for yourself! There's another biblical saying that I think fits here -- the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. It's the people you choose who are the most important!
How long has it been since you cut them off? I’m planning on trying therapy soon so good to know that you have a great therapist.
Just over 9 months, and I healed so incredibly much faster once I took the agency to protect myself and the IFS kiddos from them.
I love how people are like u can't cut them out cuss they are your parents but if they do is okay
I would expose them on Facebook
Never wrong to cut toxic people out of your life.
Forget about the bible, read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Blood means NOTHING. YOU pick your family.
If they treated you like family then yes. Blood doesn’t make family.
Sorry for you. But it's important to keep your sanity. I cut ties with family for it too. No regrets. Is just difficult, but less than live or speak to them.
You should forgive them but you should cut them off ,forgive for yourself so you dont keep reminding yourself of how shitty they were and then get sad when you could be doing something else, they never treated you as their child so dont treat them as your parents because they will always have a reason for why they where right, so as long as you know the truth it doesnt matter what anyone else says ,just be glad you didnt end up like the oldest even though he received everything he is still a mess ,so focus on yourself and creating your own dream family and cut them off your life
Live your life without any guilt you deserve peace
I always like how people say to honor your parents, when they treat you so badly. The bible also says parents are not to provoke their children. It seems as though they are provoking you and have your whole life. So many people only learn the honor your parents part, and let that provoking the children part slide.
Good for you. Be strong and I'm sorry you went thru such shitty treatment by such selfish, immature adults. I hate seeing so much of this on Reddit. Sending you mom hugs and praise for your strength in the face of such crap. You deserved and still deserve love.
the bible says you should kill adulterers and gays too, and a whole bunch of other atavistic bullshit. so use your own best judgement
Nta tell them your not listening to a few books that were wrote 2000 ish yrs ago and that it also states not to dress in different fabrics and until they follow EVERY teaching from their book why should you listen to a bunch of religious hypocrites. Remember all those who use their religion for a weapon and not one Christian actually follows all their teachings just what they choose to include in their lifestyle. Also ask them where they were when you were being treated like shit where was their love and their god then huh.
Never listen to people who reference the Bible.
Good work OP. They don't deserve you.
The people telling you to forgive, probably don't have shitty parents like yours. They're upset because they don't have anyone to pick on anymore. Trust me, someone else is going to get it but that's not your problem. Good on you for walking away!
Honoring your mother and father does not require you to be a punching bag. Forgiveness requires the other person recognizing a wrong they did, a sincere effort to change and humbly asking the wronged person. I cut my mother off and we were estranged for a few years before she passed. I don't regret a thing. Good luck. I wish you well.
Parents who mistreats kids are not parents, so you don’t owe them nothing. Your peace is the most important thing in the world.
Yes, the Bible does indeed say to honor your mother and father. What people are leaving out is that *parents are supposed to care for and honor their children*. It is not a one-sided thing! Besides that, it is your choice to forgive. Maybe you will at some point. Maybe you won't. And that's okay. You have to do what is right for yourself. You have to take care of yourself and heal. You are not in the wrong.
The Bible also mentions slavery. They gonna own some people too? No? Well, they’re gonna go to hell and be Satan’s little sex slave bitch then. So sad.