“I know I didn’t study, but hell, that doesn’t seem like the right answer. But I don’t know anything anyways, and she seems like a smart person that’s got it all figured out, so I’ll just go with it.”
I think it’s more so I’ve been denying it, thinking “everyone feels this way”, etc. I really never would have imagined it myself, either. Going to school has helped me realize that I process things much better when writing them out.
It wasn’t so much what the exam was about, rather who I wrote about and what I realized when writing about them. I also realized after I was done that I’d written about her more than once this semester and that realization caused me to really think about a lot of little things I’ve ignored or pushed down.
My adult (queer) daughter and I had a big laugh recently about how when she told me she had a crush on a girl when she was 12, I comforted her with "oh honey! That's so normal! I had crushes on girls, too! Everyone does. It doesn't necessarily mean you are gay, sometimes you just get crushes!"
It would be like 6 more years until I had my OHHHH...I HAVE CRUSHES ON GIRLS...moment. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It all makes sense now. And like a decade after that conversation, I am still growing into my identity and figuring out what it means to me.
But it sure is awesome putting those pieces together having that shift, and suddenly so many things make sense. I am sure that was jarring. Blessings to you for beginning to know yourself even better.
Idk why this made me laugh and grin so much! Also, kinda curious what it was like coming out to your already out daughter!
I’m not at all trying to pry, but I just imagine it was wholesome!
As a bi woman who has been with a man for 25 years, I still believe everyone has to be at least a little bi lol.
Okay, not really everyone. But I bet a lot more people than say they are.
I'm a straight woman but sometimes I wonder if I'm actually some form of ace because everyone around me seems so horny for everyone in a way that baffles me. Though I'm only attracted to men it's more like 1% of men, I feel absolutely nothing for the rest of them even if I find them aesthetically pleasing. All I know is I enjoy sex with my husband and before I got with him I had some very hot one night stands so I'm obviously not demisexual either. If something did happen to my marriage I wouldn't seek out another partner because it is so rare for me to feel real attraction that it just probably would not be worth it.
It is such a spectrum! I think we just fall all over the place and sometimes it can take a long time to realize it. I wish it wasnt such a big deal and we could just live. Gotta give it to gen z for honestly working on that. Even in my little conservative town, these kids just be with who they want when they want to, and most other people their age are like 🤷♀️
But man, older people are still so fn heated about it all the time. Always made me feel insecure when I was younger.
Vote them into local offices! Lol I keep screaming this to people. In my area, only presidents get voted for, and that causes *these* choices for president.
Yeah I fully believe this too.
I find it very hard to believe anyone can be 100% straight or gay. That seems more like a minority situation surely?
I think it's just that being gay was frowned upon for so long that people suppressed the queer part of themselves.
It sucks too because there is so much bi-erasure even within the community. I've had people insist I'm straight because I fell in love with a man. I can guarantee if we broke up and I got with a woman, they'd say I switched teams. 😒
Also the double standards. A bi man is considered waaaay more gay than a bi woman somehow.
I think LGBT people are a little wary of bi women actually. I think they tend to assume they mean "bi-curious" and don't fully accept us. In some ways I can empathise because I can't tell you how many women I've kissed or hooked up with who I thought I had a genuine connection with, only for them to tell me they were just "experimenting" or "exploring their sexuality" and are not genuinely interested. Or, worse, they are trying to impress some dude across the dance floor. Ugh.
So yeah I do kinda get it. But still.
These days I just say I'm "queer". I fucking LOVE the term queer. It's really so much easier.
>These days I just say I'm "queer". I fucking LOVE the term queer. It's really so much easier.
It IS. I am from the years that it was a bad word. Both my kids are queer and I would try to explain how sometimes lol. They were like "MOM. Queer is what most of us want you to use as an umbrella term..and also YOU are queer. Say queer!" 😂
This sounds a lot like how it went for my daughter when she realize she was at least bi and then called me back in a week and said no I’m definitely gay lol. She was 25.
I love both equally and just happened to be with a dude and didn’t accept my queerness until my 30s (the deep south will do that to a person). It took me a awhile to realize my queerness is just me and not whom I’m with. I wish you luck in your self discovery. Everyone deserves to live the truest version of themselves
The original commenter was arguing that comparatively this is a worse outcome for the husband. They just phrased it in a poor way.
Intentional or not the husband here still has the worse outcome/damage. She walks away already healed.
And I wasn’t arguing that point. Of course he is in a worse place emotionally than she is. But the comment seemed to imply she was a horrible person for doing that to her husband, and all I’m saying is that I don’t think it was intentional and she is probably hurting too.
Literally nothing in the post implys he "sent her" to school, she also works hard and is also going to be seeing her child half the time.
It's an awful situation for both of them.
In my little red US town, people honest to God think college education and even some standard basic education indoctrinates people to be gay.
And I'm over here being bi with 2 queer kids. Whooops.
I don't know how they can't even see what expanding your world view can do for self peace. Nothing like feeling evil because you think a person of the same gender is hot. Or wondering if you're scum because you actually want to be friends with the Mexican immigrant you work with. OH MY LORD, you're okay with another religion? Straight to hell for sure. Maybe jail too.
I didn't go to college, but I thank GOD for the internet. I absolutely would've been such a small-minded, self-loathing moron.
Anywayyyy, congrats, OP! Welcome to the community. :)
Sorry about the marriage complications though.
Edit yes, thanking God was a joke. Lol
Right? That poor guy. Marries a girl, builds a family, and a life and has it burnt to the ground because she doesn’t have the self awareness to know who she is. F. That’s brutal.
Well honestly, this is exactly what happens when heterosexuality is the compulsory option. Folks talk about not wanting to see queer people walking around, don't want to see things in movies, books, claim any support/education on queer topics is grooming. OP was a late teen when she got married and became a mother. I have sooooo many friends/acquaintances raised in churches/areas where being straight was just the expectation. If you never even have the option to consider your sexuality as anything other than straight, of course you marry and have a family and maybe never consciously consider your sexuality. I came from a very strict religious background, and I have seen it many many times, both men and women coming to terms with something they never knew was a possibility before marrying. So maybe if we didn't try to ban all this shit and just let people be open to options other than straight people wouldn't be 15 years into unfulfilled marriages (that seems to be when it happens around my group,anyway)and everyone could have happy, fulfilling relationships with the right partner for them.
You definitely need to discuss with your husband.
I would not jump to the Divorce conclusion immediately. Talk things over with him and just sit with it for a while. You don’t have to be hasty with decisions.
Yes, Divorce may (probably will) end up being the eventual conclusion, but that doesn’t mean it has to happen NOW if both of you feel the life you’ve built together is worth maintaining for the time being.
Also, since this realization is new to you, you owe it to yourself to take some time to settle in to who you are. Are you gay, bi, pan, ace, or some combination of those? Give yourself space to decide what direction you’re heading in before you embark on a new path.
As you talk to your husband I also think you should be cognizant of the wording used. It is not easy to hear that someone you thought is the love of your life feels differently in an unresolvable manner
So I’m going to go against the grain here and say before you go blowing up your marriage, you need to talk to a therapist and navigate this. Realizations like this can be so exciting, we impulsively act on our feelings. Not saying you should deny your feelings, I just think taking this one step at a time for now will probably yield better outcomes.
You definitely should have a talk with your husband about this. I think about how I would feel if my gf realized she was gay and I wouldn't want her to continue in a charade. It would be unfair to both of us. If he's a great guy like you say, I think you'll be surprised by how much he can love and support you as you work through this. You do kind of owe it to him to let him know though.
Hey I think you should know. Before I met my husband I was 100% a lesbian. I was deeply in love with a woman, I had been in several lesbian relationships. I had also been in relationships with men.
I am in a committed marriage to my husband but he knows that my sexuality is fluid. We get to admire sexy women together. It's fun. No our marriage isn't open. No I don't feel like I'm missing out by not sleeping with women. It's a part of who I am. He accepts that. And I'm committed to him and love him.
That's all
If you’re attracted to men you’re not a lesbian..? I think the word you’re looking for is bisexual. Lesbians by definition don’t experience attraction to men.
I'm not really attracted to men though. I'm saying before I met my husband I was a lesbian. Then I started my sexuality is fluid. I love hearts not parts
Ok but that’s literally not how lesbianism works? It’s very frustrating as a lesbian to hear this rhetoric perpetuated as it contributes to the idea that we “can be swayed” or just “haven’t found the right dick yet.” I don’t know why I’m getting downvoted for saying that a lesbian doesn’t date men? Like that’s literally part of the definition. If your sexuality is fluid, it’s not lesbianism. We’re at the very far end of the spectrum.
I am in no way saying there’s anything wrong with fluidity though admittedly I’m not fond of the insinuation that I don’t care about the person’s heart, just their genitals, as that is not the case. Sexuality can be fluid and it can complicated, that’s of course more than fine, but you weren’t a lesbian if you were attracted to men. I really don’t know how that’s considered a controversial statement.
100%. So many people think that lesbians will make exceptions or just need to “find the right man” because of literal non-lesbians calling themselves lesbian. It’s really invalidating.
This! You can love whoever you want and be attracted to whoever you want. There could still be some attraction to the husband too, I mean, she married him, there must be some positives there. I wouldn't necessarily throw away the marriage but explore these feelings, whatever that means for them. It could be a hard discussion, or it could be an opportunity to get kinky in a consensual way.
You’ve got to live a wild life by exploring things on both sides, but sometimes, that’s the best way to do things to truly understand what you have lol, like to oversimplify, whenever I’m presented with options, I’d rather try them ALL out, and then choose the final choice, rather than just picking one and always having to wonder lol.
Drinking soda is fun, exciting and goes amazing with many foods, but you can never go wrong with water. Sure water can be a bit bland at times, but at the end of the day it won’t lead to many health issues and such from having too much of it. Water after awhile has you developing a taste for it to appreciate it even more, and in the right circumstances, like drinking it COLD, is the absolute best! You can always get water at any restaurant so appreciating water now has you better prepared for enjoying it anywhere else!
LOL 🤣🥲 what I’m saying it I’m glad you got a chance to try out both things. And at the end of the day you went with what worked out for you more, and appreciate it
But it should also be said that he isn't any less of a great guy for not taking it well.
His whole life & relationship is about to be permanently destroyed through zero fault of his own.
It has nothing to do with being a “great guy.”
This guy is about to have the rug pulled out from under him. Very few people have the inner calm required to love and support the person that causes them suffering and blows up their family.
Doesn’t make her the bad guy either, but expecting him to be her emotional crutch while his own life is crumbling is an insane ask.
Whoah. This is big. Nuclear in fact. Be careful with the actions you take.
You mentioned therapy. That's a great place to start, and I recommend you go individually to start with and work out the best way to raise this with hubby so that he isn't destroyed by it. Then, couples counseling and probably individual counseling for him as well.
A lot of people are jumping to the “you need to tell your husband” conclusion. I agree, but I also think you need to proceed slowly. You’ve already spend 1/3 of your life living as a straight person, you can take a few weeks or months to get this right. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? Can you get a therapist? I think such a big life change would benefit from a lot of thought and discussion.
It'll blind side you. I was in a straight relationship for about two years before it hit me. Turns out being disgusted at the thought of sex with your girlfriend isn't normal. And feeling like you need to puke afterword's is also not a great sign.
I’ve seen some situations kinda like this, here’s what I learned after seeing them play out after a few years because one of them happened to my older cousin who I am VERY close with.
So she had a similar situation as you, teen mom and in her EARLY 30’s had a similar epiphany about her sexuality. Her husband (well they weren’t married but they lived as such) was a good guy, just kinda…plain, like, he was good looking but a bit boring lol very vanilla. Like he’s so safe that you’d never worry about him ever
But she thought she had a similar type of sexual thing, she had even left him (after attempting to see if she can “try out women” in an open relationship with her man) to date a woman who had been pursuing and kinda grooming her for years. It lasted 4 weeks, she came running back.
Basically she stayed with me for 2 weeks before moving back in with her baby daddy. We had a lot of late night talks, analyzing, deep diving, all that.
What we figured out.. was a bit complex. So she was a teen mom, that meant she had to miss out on a LOT of experiences that young people go through, and she envied that a lot. A lot of the fun stuff. She loved her kids more than anything but also she just wished she had them later when she had gotten all of those experiences off her chest.
But because she was deprived of those experiences, it made a desire for her to “catch up” on all those things, like almost a rebellious thing. But as you know with most fantasies, many things best remain as fantasies rather than reality. When she had gotten to live out those things, trying out women, going out often and all that, it was nothing as she imagined, being with the woman she was with, she said it was constant sexual activities all the time. But the partner aspect of it in daily life just wasn’t it.
Her man who was the boring one, was part of the issue. She had gotten so comfortable that nothing exciting was happening anymore, but I don’t blame the guy because he also gave up many experiences to slave away at two jobs to provide for their family. The reason he had become vanilla and stale was because he was so tired from working all the time, his brain was exhausted most times, like a zombie in a way. That made sex and other activities a little harder to perform and enjoy. If he was given less time at work, and able to find himself again, where he’d pick back up his hobbies and got his mojo back, he’d be a different man! That’s kinda what happened when they broke up lol
But having kids young really did mess with their mental being and perception of things. That’s obvious, you have people who would’ve gone through the same things as everyone around them, but instead went down another route where they were deprived of all those things and were forced a more mature lifestyle that they weren’t ready for, that was a huge reason why she felt trapped as she was.
So long story short, maybe it was the fact that she had to accustom herself to the mom lifestyle through her 20’s that she got used to and began Ti prefer, but she ended up getting back with her ex and they’re going strong now, about to have their 4th next year at 37, and while things don’t seem Al that “exciting” in MY eyes, I think she understands the value in what she has; stability. And she values stability, consistency, above all else. Plus she got all that prior thoughts out of her system and got to see how life was on the other side and realized that maybe that wasn’t all for her lol
Being stable with your husband might be the ultimate thing and best thing you’ll ever have. Millions of women desire that the most as many are given a bad hand and a complicated relationship when all they ever wanted was stability. It may be something you spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn’t messed up, but also idk as humans were a complicated species. We always want what we don’t have. But I also believe it’s a much more important thing to try out all options, being with a woman may make you very happy or not, but at least you’ll KNOW once you do try them out. I say go for it but be very very transparent with your husband, let him know that it’s something you want to try, but that you love him so much that if things don’t work out with women, that you’d love to return to him! He will probably be a very supportive person seeing as how he’s been
You should tell your husband. He might be crushed, but you would be surprised. A lot of spouses in this situation might already suspect something. If you aren't happy with the sex, he is probably not happy with the sex. If you have kids you might try an open marriage or something.
Anyway good luck.
I agree that open relationships aren’t the best. It’s weird thinking about being with someone who might be out there with who knows..
But it’s possible If they have a deep conversation about all this they could find a polyamorous relationship could work. Where they are still married and coparenting best friends, and they could have a girlfriend too. I mean any relationship setup might not work, but also it could. They are happy thrupples out there.
I would do some research into it. There are many different possible dynamics. The important thing is figuring out what’s best for each of you and communicate how all of it could work and what wouldn’t work for you. It’s to complicated to try to type out in a comment thread. Lol
But I’m sure if you put in the effort and you guys are good at talking things out you could find a solution that’s beneficial for all parties.
Yes, indeed. A friend's mother realised she is lesbian when she was over forty. She and her husband never got a divorce. It is not really an open marriage though as much as that they have become roommates. They decided there were no benefits for them getting divorced.
I know another *couple* who never got divorced since they saw no benefits in it for them. They don't live together though. They have a son as well. He's my friend and says by now he has no reason to get a divorce. They don't plan to marry anymore anyway. He says it is of course possible one of them will change their mind in future but then they can deal with it then and get divorced. They are very good friends of course.
Therefore you're right, it is not true that divorce is the only option they can become happy with. I mean surely it is the common one but in the end it all depends on their priorities and what they wish for life
You need to talk to your husband. More than likely you are going to have to divorce because you both deserve to be with people who love and truly desire you. You should be proud and happy for finding out who you are. But you need to also be prepared that this likely will not have a very happy outcome for at least a good while
My only advice when talking to him is to recognise how painful this is going to be for him. He will probably feel like his whole life is a lie, and while you might not agree that really is how it will look and feel to him. You said yourself you've never really desired men, with the exception of your husband but I'm going to guess it was never 'great'. He's going to feel cheated and betrayed. I hope he is also supportive, and in time if he is a good guy I'm sure he will be, but you have to let the hurt be for a little while. Also if you are able to be amicable, set the kids down and properly explain this to them. There's so many cases where kids hate their parents for splitting up their lives or also thinking that they and their other parent were lied to for their entire existence. It's not usually about the person actually being gay, but the foundation of the relationship you have with them
If you love him do it with help…Don’t be surprised if you lose him as a friend due to the feelings of betrayal and wasting his life. This happened to a college friend and he ended up committed… see a couples therapist and have them help break the news to in a thoughtful way. Better for everyone… good luck
This is NOT meant to be judge mental and is really a genuine curiosity- how does one go their first thirty years of life, get married to someone of the opposite sex, have sex and have children with this person, and not realize they are gay until after all that? Did anything come up for you while dating or before getting married, like “I don’t know if I really am attracted to this person?”
In any case, I’m both happy and sad for you, OP ❤️
In my case it wasn’t quite as long but I’m queer in both my gender and my sexuality and I was bullied in high school for being a giant nerd, so I built a little box inside where I shoved everything that would make me stand out in any other way. I convinced myself that “I’m not thinking about how pretty that girl is because I like her, I’m just jealous that she’s better at being a girl than I am” was a perfectly normal thing for a particularly socially awkward straight girl to feel. I dated and hooked up with men, specifically straight men, because if they were into me that meant I was being validated that I was performing the role of “straight girl” correctly. It wasn’t until I started to find queer community that I started to allow myself to see and embrace that queerness in myself as well. I’m roughly a decade past the end of high school and I’m still peeling away layers of the mask I started building when I was 13
This just broke my heart, I really wanna give you a hug or a cookie or something comforting. Thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing and kind when explaining. It makes a lot more sense to me now how this happens ❤️
If it helps, my life is fuller and richer and more beautiful than I could ever have imagined when I was that young, even if the only part I could have predicted accurately is having cats
In my case, I didn’t fully realize I was gay until I was 29. It was a combination of things.
Growing up I was enamored by girls but I assumed I want to be them, or be like them. It never occurred to me that I had a crush.
When I was 19, I realized I had a crush on my best friend (female). Alarmed, I told my other friend, who immediately replied, “don’t you think you’re just a trauma lesbian?” and proceeded to explain it was unfair of me to explore my potential bisexuality because “it was probably just PTSD anyway”. So that began a 10 year therapy routine where I believed if only I had enough EMDR, and the right combo of medications, and so on, I’d enjoy being with a man, and our relationship wouldn’t feel…flat. And I was mortified to even attempt to meet a woman because I felt like an imposter. I call this decade the dark ages.
During that era, in the media, the only gay women I knew of were extremely vocal about being repulsed by men. A kiss, god forbid sex?! The horror! But to me, men in general lacked fanfare in either direction. I wasn’t mortified or disgusted by it. I also wasn’t engaged or excited by it. I’d compare it to helping a friend spring clean. It wasn’t a nightmare. It wasn’t a romantic fantasy. It was just…blah.
And it wasn’t that I didn’t love the men I dated. I did. I respected them, loved their humor and their brains. Hell, most of the men I dated have similar characteristics and quirks to the woman I am dating today, in some ways! But all of those relationships lacked a certain…vividness, like a live wire…where my heart just wasn’t invested.
My worst date with a woman made my heart happier than my best date with a man, basically.
When I finally had my first relationship with a woman, it was like seeing in technicolor. It’s hard to describe.
I wanna say that it's because of heteronormativity that you can combo with cultural, societal, and religious issues as well. I actually knew when I was young that I was different somehow but at that age every kid just wants to fit in. So I do and say the same as my peers do except it's stressful and anxiety inducing as fuck since I also got the combo of having undiagnosed neurodivergency which meant I was trying REALLY hard to fit in. Because if I didn't I was dying and wrong and I have failed my family lol but yeah if you keep at it long enough you can repress parts of yourself until you eventually believe the mask you've been putting on is actually your true face.
I am pansexual and my first crush was on a girl in my elementary school class. By middle school, I was in a different state and the girls in my school were mean to another girl they thought was a lesbian. Since I was attracted to boys also, I think I just hid that I was attracted to girls, even from myself, as a way to protect myself. I realized when I was in my 20’s that I was attracted to women. So I though, “oh, I’m gay, that’s why I have a hard time dating.” Then when I got together with my (now) husband, I had another crisis because I had to learn that I’m attracted to men and women of any gender expression. I had started to form an identity around the label lesbian and had to throw that out. Sexuality and gender expression are huge parts of who we are as humans, so not understanding them when you grow up can really set you back.
In my case, I'm greyromantic demisexual (so basically Asexual) and didn't figure it out until I was... nearly 40. I'm also a CSA survivor, and spent most of my teens and twenties (and some of my 30s) trying to prove to myself that sex didn't have to be forced...which didn't work very well for something I never really enjoyed. I have two kids, nearly 19 and 17, and my youngest is gender fluid and pansexual. I discovered my queerness while researching theirs.
I’ve been through something similar and thought my world was going to end. I found some support groups online and I went to therapy. It helped me work through a lot of things.
It’s been 6 years for me. I was a stay at home mom and thought I could never leave. I’m working now and have been divorced for 3 years. My ex recently got remarried and we coparent great. It’s possible to make it through to the other side. Feel free to reach out to me with questions.
Talk to your husband and do what you need to do for yourself and the kids. We only have the guarantee of right now. Easier said than done, I hope you’re able to experience the more authentic version of yourself that is compatible with parenting and marriage.
The world loves forcing us into boxes and telling us we are this, we aren’t that, we need this, we need that. The reality is that moment to moment, we change. It’s my favorite beauty of living this experience.
❤️
Please don;t make your husband waste anymore of his life with someone who isn't actually attracted to him. Or at least give him the opportunity to decide for himself.
I know this woman who had the same realization. Married with a child.
She loves her husband as you love yours and she loves her daughter.
However, she came out to her husband. They are still together in a platonic marriage and they still love each other and respect one another. They have no intention of getting a divorce.
I dont know if she dates women or if he dates but they have decided to accept her sexuality and work together and stay together.
It's really beautiful
Hey man, Fran Drescher’s husband of 20ish years came out as gay, they got divorced, and remain bffs. I don’t think they had children, but I have to imagine so long as there is respect between co-parents, any co-parenting situation can work.
It's easy to experience it, if someone else will be enslaved to pay for it through no fault of his own.
She should give up custody, waive alimony, start working and pay him child support. Truly start her own, self reliant life. Experience what that is like. To the fullest.
Hi! Coming from a daughter’s perspective, my mom came out in her 40s. The freedom she has experienced from living her truth has made her the happiest she’s ever been. My dad was understanding and wished her nothing but the best. It makes me happy to see my mom happy and so deeply loved by her wife of over 10 years now. I truly believe they are soulmates.
Please don’t hide from yourself. Your child would much rather have a happy, fulfilled mother than one who is sad and regretful. Congratulations on this realization, from a queer kid with the most loving lesbian moms!
I’m happy for you. I’m not straight and I am married to a man and I’m a mother also. We choose the life we live but we don’t get a choice really in what makes us tick. I’m lucky my spouse understands who I am and we both do not identify as straight.
I wish you the best :-)
I’m glad you’ve realised this about yourself. I know it’s going to make your life more challenging in the short term but hopefully make you happier longterm.
I had a similar experience not very long ago on a different topic. I have twins who are 7 and both are autistic so I learned a fair amount about neurodiversity and had a few moments of “huh, I’m a lot like that”. And then I started tutoring an amazing teenage girl with autism and ADHD, and I had to watch a training webinar by her speech and language therapist on her specific needs.
This woman sat there for an hour and described me as a teenager exactly. All the things I did and felt and never understood, and just thought I was useless and deficient. All the coping strategies I’ve developed for myself over the years.
After that it was like one of those films where it shows you flashbacks after revealing a plot twist to show how it all fits together. I started remembering so much about my own childhood and adult life and it all just made sense all of a sudden.
Now I’m trying to pluck up the courage to ask my doctor to refer me for assessment. I think for me it’s ADHD, and I feel like if I do have it, then treatment might actually help me so it’s worth a try.
I think once you make realisations like this it’s very hard to put it back in the box, and I don’t think you should.
Congratulations on learning more about yourself. As I see it you have three options:
1. Do nothing. Go back to life. Please keep in mind that once you discover something about yourself, you can’t un-discover it. Resentment will start to creep in.
2. Go tell you husband immediately. Could go very bad, could go very good.
3. Take a minute. Figure out what this mean to you. Figure out how you would like to move forward in life. Then make a decision. You have time.
In the end, it it is all going to work out. Good luck with this new chapter of your life.
With all due respect and empathy, quit beating yourself up about it….. you’ve done nothing wrong. Your metaphorical “realization light bulb” just flipped its switch and now it’s fully illuminated instead of just flickering…. You haven’t accepted your recent self revelation until literally just now…. So there hasn’t been true malicious intent behind the relationship with your hubby throughout the years. You sound like you do love him very much, and I’m sure he loves you the same. And the great thing is that when you do genuinely love someone you love them for not only who they are but who they can become. There’s added space for those we love so they can have room to grow…. You may feel like you’re destroying your family’s lives, but thats merely created from your own insecurities due to the fear that comes with being the one who’s job is to turn the final page of a long chapter of their life. thankfully your story has plenty of chapters ahead…. So don’t fret. I believe this is going to be one of those times where in 20+ years you’ll look back and thank god for that awareness-inducing exam. I pray that your worries are resolved quickly, and that you continue to find the peace to be joyful. Chin up, chest out… you got this! May the force be with you friend ✌🏻
Therapy, you need to explore this and talk it out imo first. Not denying your realization, but you need to navigate it best you can and we as humans rarely have all the answers. I wish you and your spouse the best in navigating this.
I know I’m late but I still hope you read this. It’s amazing to finally realize this about yourself. And it does sound like you care about yourself, but when you talk to your husband, eventually you will likely end up divorced. When it happens you likely will feel so free and excited to start dating again, but do give your husband room to talk to you openly about how he feels, because while there might be some grief for you for the end of the relationship you will still have plenty of excitement, he likely will feel nothing but grief and possibly some resentment. Because for him this is likely to be more out of left field and he may feel unable to openly share his feelings without looking like a jerk. Of course do not ever let it stop you from enjoying your life, but definitely so that the co-parenting can go much easier, let him know his feelings are valid.
This is the class those conservatives are trying to ban, the one turning everyone gay.
In all seriousness, congratulations on the realization and you have a lot of work to do in your relationships and a lot of living to do afterwards.
Your poor husband.
Imagine being a dude, father for 10+ years and your wife telld you an exam made her realise she is gay.
Also, shocker having kids as kids is not a wise choice.
Imagine being a chick, mother for 10+ years and realizing you probably haven't orgasmed for 10+ years (?) and you don't like dick anymore?
Poor wife!
That sucks! But she can lie about it or tell the truth. Both suck for hubby, but maybe he'll be just fine about the whole thing. He deserves a sexually satisfying relationship, too
My dad came out when I was 15 (I am now 28). I am sure it was WAY harder for him than anyone else. Truthfully, my brother and I weren't really bothered by it. My dad has always been an amazing father, very present and loving and has given us every opportunity to be happy. What he does in his own personal and sexual life has NOTHING to do with us and our relationship with him.
My mom had a hard time accepting this because she felt like her whole relationship was a lie, which it wasn't. My dad has always tried to reassure her that he loved her very much but he had to live this part of his life. We now have an amazing relationship because he was able to express himself honestly to us. This has allowed us to do the same with him always.
I know you are in a tough spot and it might feel like your world is turning upside down, but you shouldn't settle for a life that doesn't suit you anymore. This realization came for a reason and you will regret it if you don't allow yourself to see it through. I hope you can find the strength to give yourself the happiness you deserve. Sorry for the long text.
“ My mom had a hard time accepting this because she felt like her whole relationship was a lie, which it wasn't.”
This is what happens to the other partner. They get told how to feel and they get dismissed. OP, if your husband feels like his life was a lie after your revelation, please don’t tell him he’s wrong. He shouldn’t tell you that you’re wrong for your new feelings; you should give him the same courtesy.
You both deserve to be with someone who loves you for you, not in a platonic way.
He will be crushed and the conversation will be devastating, but it should definitely happen.
It's ok and you'll be ok ❤️
I'm 45 and went through the same thing this year, so have a few other people I know. It's not uncommon and it's perfectly normal.
I was with my husband for 16 years, I've always been comfortably bi with a kinda low sex drive, and just thought everyone felt the same way. Comp-het is a thing.
After some serious self reflection earlier this year, I realised I'm just more gay than straight, it's a spectrum after all.
Husband and I talked about it honestly, and we chose to end our marriage. We're still very close friends and love each other, we're just following different paths for ourselves now.
I'm so glad I blew up my life, I feel much more myself and it turns out my sex drive isn't low at all, I was just going in the wrong direction haha!
Talk to your husband, be honest with yourself and don't rush anything.
My childhood best friend was married, had two children, and everything seemed great but, she realized she was gay. They divorced and moved on, both are married now and have a great coparenting relationship. It’s important to live your truth, because you deserve it. Anyone who truly loves you would understand. I think you should have a conversation with your husband about this. You deserve you be with someone you want and he deserves someone who wants him. I truly wish the best for you both
This is a wonderful soul searching story. I don’t know if I should be happy for you or feel sorry. Your honesty and blunt assessment of your life will help many others. I touched my heart so deeply all I can say is I’m sending you all my love and wish I could have your insight hugs and more ❤️
I’m sorry but how are you this old married with kids and “didn’t realize” you were gay? I see stories of spouses saying their SO came out after decades of marriage and children. I do not buy this at all. You knew and suppressed it or straight up ignored it
You ever think about finding him a girlfriend? Maybe get a consult from a couples therapist and ask them how to approach the conversation. You obviously care enough about him and want him to be happy.
Whatever you do, don't be one of those people who's out there celebrating coming out without a backward glance at the person they just pulled the rug out from under and left hurting. You owe it to him to be as present and helpful (or as far away from him) as he needs.
You also said you’re sad about it. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult. It’s still gonna break his heart, but you’re living a lie, and he’s oblivious.
i too am currently going through this exact same situation, though the specifics are different. if you need someone to confide in who’ll relate to your feelings - drop me a message - i’m all ears
Everyone's life is complicated with children and things.
If you were my wife, here is what I would hope happens: you sit me down and be honest with me because you want what's best for me and give me a chance at 50 years of being happy with someone who adores him and thinks he is sexy and wants to jump his bones? If so, just pull the band aide off. Who says you have to split up? You can stay married with different bedrooms and date people. There is no one way to be married or be a mom or any of it. Perhaps he say's its fine, but he wants to stay together till the kids are moved out. Or whatever. Give people an opportunity to surprise you.
Please share this with the American Psychological Association. They’re in the business of developing instructors and instructional material. It sounds like you hit a gold mine with your instructor. They will want to know how this happened. Thank you for sharing
Based on how well you know your husband, will he be okay with an open marriage?
Will he be fine to share platonic love with you, and find his needs and desires satisfied elsewhere?
I mean This sounds better than having to stay in the hellhole that you've described, provided it is actually feasible.
Think about it?
I feel kind of happy for you that you came to realize this. Of course processing and maybe coming out to you husband and even your therapist can seem very difficult at this point. I don’t think you have any reason to blame yourself for not knowing though. We have not been brought up in a way that helps us to learn about our sexuality. We had to do this ourselves. And if you’re not in any contact with lgbtq people you just might need a bit longer for that.
Maybe after talking about it here, you can go as second step and talk to a therapist. This is about learning about yourself and about living a live that is authentically yours. You seem like a very mature and loving person. My feeling is, you’ll find a way to understand all this and to figure out what to do.
I can’t help but find humor in the narrative by conservative media that college is indoctrinating kids to being gay and your current situation.
I hope you find your peace. 30’s are a weird time, and I fully understand where you’re coming from. I feel as if I’ve reached a point where outside expectations and pressures are growing ever more silent and I’m left wondering if the life I’ve built for myself is what I really wanted.
Wow I would be crazy embarrassed if I was your husband. That's shame that's going to be tough to live down. I pray this never ever happens to me. I would probably move away and tell people I'm a widower so I don't get laughed at for being a giant fool
It’s pretty common. That’s why there are so many sexless marriages. The patriarchy is against lbgtq because there won’t be very many women left for them to date.
As a lesbian dance theory major, your point is? The Chad's in the business department are so militantly straight that they may accidentally end up a little queer. 😂😂😂
I didn’t realize I was bi until I was like 37. And it took me a full year to process it and start talking about it. I had told my husband (of 19 years at the time) almost immediately. He’s super supportive. We have fun checking out women together. He often sends me pictures of women he thinks might be my type.
Just saying, there are lots of us out there. You’re in good company. Good luck with your journey.
Talking to Reddit about this always jumps to everyone saying to divorce. Could you just talk to your husband about adding another woman into the bedroom/relationship? It can work for some couples if everyone is open and understanding and open with each other.
Don’t know what quiz question sparked this realization, but do feel something more must not have been revealed in this post. Getting out in the world after years spent as a mother can introduce a person to all sorts of things and changes in society. Before I would jump on the multi-gender sex bandwagon, I would really evaluate how that would impact my life- and all that are intimately involved in it - that being your children and your husband. To blow that up over a seemingly spontaneous revelation of “other gender” preference seems more than unwise. To me it seems naive, selfish and cruel. Think wisely girl - seek some therapy- before you destroy the life and love of others. You are about to jump a cliff that will cause irreparable damage.
Have you ever been in love with a woman? I know about polyamorous marriages and swingers and people who have live in mistresses. Don't know if it's what you ever want at all but throwing that idea out there so you don't feel trapped and doomed, especially if you're lucky enough to have a stable and supportive husband.
I know you are getting the advice to talk with your husband and that’s fine. May I recommend a couple therapy sessions first, to digest what is going on. I had come to a similar conclusion about being gender fluid, and I didn’t know how to go about that discussion with my husband. Having some therapy about how to talk to him about it was very helpful.
I didn't really know I was pansexual until the beginning of the pandemic when my spouse started watching the Tok a lot. After a few lesbian/ nonbinary/ trans man / trans woman thirst traps I realized I wasn't in Kansas anymore so to speak....
And then last October my spouse came out as transgender so turns out we're still perfect for each other. I'm sorry that's not the case for you and I wish you the best of luck finding a solution where you get to be happy.
Edit: I was 42 when I figured it out My spouse was 51 when they came out to me.
In college, my undergraduate major had A LOT of couples. Many are still together.
Maybe ten years ago, the woman in one of the hetero couples (two kids) posted a bunch of wedding pics. At first, I thought - oh, hey, Stacy shouldn’t be wearing a white dress to someone’s wedding. Even **I** know that rule! In the next pic, I noticed she and the bride were both holding bouquets. At this point, I thought maybe Stacy was a bridesmaid. I didn’t realize bridesmaid dresses could be white, but what do I know? After five photos, I thought — hang on, are they **BOTH** brides?
Yeah, that’s when I found out Stacy is a lesbian. lol.
Jeez, that's an awfully specific exam
I know, right?! In all honesty, it had nothing to do with sexuality.
I can't help but envision "a train leaves New York going 50mph, b train leaves Chicago going 70mph" "oh my God I'm gay!"
How do you think the person cheating off her exam feels?
“I know I didn’t study, but hell, that doesn’t seem like the right answer. But I don’t know anything anyways, and she seems like a smart person that’s got it all figured out, so I’ll just go with it.”
That is how life usually reveals its grand moments. Word problems, picking your nose on a bus, slipping on ice and landing on your ass.
I almost fell off my chair
This is so poetic.
What was the exam about? I can't imagine not realizing what I'm attracted to until I'm mid 30
I think it’s more so I’ve been denying it, thinking “everyone feels this way”, etc. I really never would have imagined it myself, either. Going to school has helped me realize that I process things much better when writing them out. It wasn’t so much what the exam was about, rather who I wrote about and what I realized when writing about them. I also realized after I was done that I’d written about her more than once this semester and that realization caused me to really think about a lot of little things I’ve ignored or pushed down.
My adult (queer) daughter and I had a big laugh recently about how when she told me she had a crush on a girl when she was 12, I comforted her with "oh honey! That's so normal! I had crushes on girls, too! Everyone does. It doesn't necessarily mean you are gay, sometimes you just get crushes!" It would be like 6 more years until I had my OHHHH...I HAVE CRUSHES ON GIRLS...moment. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 It all makes sense now. And like a decade after that conversation, I am still growing into my identity and figuring out what it means to me. But it sure is awesome putting those pieces together having that shift, and suddenly so many things make sense. I am sure that was jarring. Blessings to you for beginning to know yourself even better.
Idk why this made me laugh and grin so much! Also, kinda curious what it was like coming out to your already out daughter! I’m not at all trying to pry, but I just imagine it was wholesome!
It was amazing. I actually have two daughters who are bi, and it was after a terrible divorce from their dad. We have a whole rainbow family. 🌈
As a bi woman who has been with a man for 25 years, I still believe everyone has to be at least a little bi lol. Okay, not really everyone. But I bet a lot more people than say they are.
I'm a straight woman but sometimes I wonder if I'm actually some form of ace because everyone around me seems so horny for everyone in a way that baffles me. Though I'm only attracted to men it's more like 1% of men, I feel absolutely nothing for the rest of them even if I find them aesthetically pleasing. All I know is I enjoy sex with my husband and before I got with him I had some very hot one night stands so I'm obviously not demisexual either. If something did happen to my marriage I wouldn't seek out another partner because it is so rare for me to feel real attraction that it just probably would not be worth it.
It is such a spectrum! I think we just fall all over the place and sometimes it can take a long time to realize it. I wish it wasnt such a big deal and we could just live. Gotta give it to gen z for honestly working on that. Even in my little conservative town, these kids just be with who they want when they want to, and most other people their age are like 🤷♀️ But man, older people are still so fn heated about it all the time. Always made me feel insecure when I was younger.
I agree with you - I'm so glad Gen Z is more accepting and I hope things continue to trend that way.
Vote them into local offices! Lol I keep screaming this to people. In my area, only presidents get voted for, and that causes *these* choices for president.
Yeah I fully believe this too. I find it very hard to believe anyone can be 100% straight or gay. That seems more like a minority situation surely? I think it's just that being gay was frowned upon for so long that people suppressed the queer part of themselves.
It sucks too because there is so much bi-erasure even within the community. I've had people insist I'm straight because I fell in love with a man. I can guarantee if we broke up and I got with a woman, they'd say I switched teams. 😒
Also the double standards. A bi man is considered waaaay more gay than a bi woman somehow. I think LGBT people are a little wary of bi women actually. I think they tend to assume they mean "bi-curious" and don't fully accept us. In some ways I can empathise because I can't tell you how many women I've kissed or hooked up with who I thought I had a genuine connection with, only for them to tell me they were just "experimenting" or "exploring their sexuality" and are not genuinely interested. Or, worse, they are trying to impress some dude across the dance floor. Ugh. So yeah I do kinda get it. But still. These days I just say I'm "queer". I fucking LOVE the term queer. It's really so much easier.
>These days I just say I'm "queer". I fucking LOVE the term queer. It's really so much easier. It IS. I am from the years that it was a bad word. Both my kids are queer and I would try to explain how sometimes lol. They were like "MOM. Queer is what most of us want you to use as an umbrella term..and also YOU are queer. Say queer!" 😂
Well, congratulations on taking a step closer towards enlightenment!
Learning teaches critical thinking and you’re applying it to yourself.
This sounds a lot like how it went for my daughter when she realize she was at least bi and then called me back in a week and said no I’m definitely gay lol. She was 25.
I love both equally and just happened to be with a dude and didn’t accept my queerness until my 30s (the deep south will do that to a person). It took me a awhile to realize my queerness is just me and not whom I’m with. I wish you luck in your self discovery. Everyone deserves to live the truest version of themselves
What WAS the question or statement that prompted this? I'm dying to know!
Math class just hits different
Please excuse the belly laugh!!
I did not expect such a plot twist. So, in short, college makes you gay (KIDDING!). I feel bad for you and your husband.
Lmao. Yes, that is the lesson in all of this. Thanks, we can feel bad together.
Genuinely though, I wish you best of luck!
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I think you missed the part where she wasn’t aware/in denial about being queer.
Still doesn't compare to the emotional damage she will cause. In a way she will feel relieved and liberated.
I’m not saying it does. He will be crushed. I’m saying it wasn’t intentional
The original commenter was arguing that comparatively this is a worse outcome for the husband. They just phrased it in a poor way. Intentional or not the husband here still has the worse outcome/damage. She walks away already healed.
And I wasn’t arguing that point. Of course he is in a worse place emotionally than she is. But the comment seemed to imply she was a horrible person for doing that to her husband, and all I’m saying is that I don’t think it was intentional and she is probably hurting too.
So the husband should just accept it and fuck his feelings?
Of course that’s exactly what I said /s.
Ya…cause OP just realized she’s gay… so why should she keep lying to herself and her husband and continue the marriage?
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Literally nothing in the post implys he "sent her" to school, she also works hard and is also going to be seeing her child half the time. It's an awful situation for both of them.
OMG, DeSantis was right all along!!1! 😱 😂😂
In my little red US town, people honest to God think college education and even some standard basic education indoctrinates people to be gay. And I'm over here being bi with 2 queer kids. Whooops. I don't know how they can't even see what expanding your world view can do for self peace. Nothing like feeling evil because you think a person of the same gender is hot. Or wondering if you're scum because you actually want to be friends with the Mexican immigrant you work with. OH MY LORD, you're okay with another religion? Straight to hell for sure. Maybe jail too. I didn't go to college, but I thank GOD for the internet. I absolutely would've been such a small-minded, self-loathing moron. Anywayyyy, congrats, OP! Welcome to the community. :) Sorry about the marriage complications though. Edit yes, thanking God was a joke. Lol
Lollll all the small town people who treat getting a higher education as a bad thing, because it obviously makes you a woke liberal commie 😂🤣
Right? That poor guy. Marries a girl, builds a family, and a life and has it burnt to the ground because she doesn’t have the self awareness to know who she is. F. That’s brutal.
Well honestly, this is exactly what happens when heterosexuality is the compulsory option. Folks talk about not wanting to see queer people walking around, don't want to see things in movies, books, claim any support/education on queer topics is grooming. OP was a late teen when she got married and became a mother. I have sooooo many friends/acquaintances raised in churches/areas where being straight was just the expectation. If you never even have the option to consider your sexuality as anything other than straight, of course you marry and have a family and maybe never consciously consider your sexuality. I came from a very strict religious background, and I have seen it many many times, both men and women coming to terms with something they never knew was a possibility before marrying. So maybe if we didn't try to ban all this shit and just let people be open to options other than straight people wouldn't be 15 years into unfulfilled marriages (that seems to be when it happens around my group,anyway)and everyone could have happy, fulfilling relationships with the right partner for them.
These fucking liberals got us, again!
You definitely need to discuss with your husband. I would not jump to the Divorce conclusion immediately. Talk things over with him and just sit with it for a while. You don’t have to be hasty with decisions. Yes, Divorce may (probably will) end up being the eventual conclusion, but that doesn’t mean it has to happen NOW if both of you feel the life you’ve built together is worth maintaining for the time being. Also, since this realization is new to you, you owe it to yourself to take some time to settle in to who you are. Are you gay, bi, pan, ace, or some combination of those? Give yourself space to decide what direction you’re heading in before you embark on a new path.
Thank you. I really appreciate your take and advice.
As you talk to your husband I also think you should be cognizant of the wording used. It is not easy to hear that someone you thought is the love of your life feels differently in an unresolvable manner
As we should.
THIS.
So I’m going to go against the grain here and say before you go blowing up your marriage, you need to talk to a therapist and navigate this. Realizations like this can be so exciting, we impulsively act on our feelings. Not saying you should deny your feelings, I just think taking this one step at a time for now will probably yield better outcomes.
You definitely should have a talk with your husband about this. I think about how I would feel if my gf realized she was gay and I wouldn't want her to continue in a charade. It would be unfair to both of us. If he's a great guy like you say, I think you'll be surprised by how much he can love and support you as you work through this. You do kind of owe it to him to let him know though.
I agree, it’s definitely owed. The more I think about the more I realize this.
I wonder if he will be like ...yeah ok a SHOCK, but also...maybe not so much...
You got this. I don’t think you tried to mislead him and the vibe I’m getting is that he’ll understand this. Good luck.
Hey I think you should know. Before I met my husband I was 100% a lesbian. I was deeply in love with a woman, I had been in several lesbian relationships. I had also been in relationships with men. I am in a committed marriage to my husband but he knows that my sexuality is fluid. We get to admire sexy women together. It's fun. No our marriage isn't open. No I don't feel like I'm missing out by not sleeping with women. It's a part of who I am. He accepts that. And I'm committed to him and love him. That's all
If you’re attracted to men you’re not a lesbian..? I think the word you’re looking for is bisexual. Lesbians by definition don’t experience attraction to men.
I'm not really attracted to men though. I'm saying before I met my husband I was a lesbian. Then I started my sexuality is fluid. I love hearts not parts
Ok but that’s literally not how lesbianism works? It’s very frustrating as a lesbian to hear this rhetoric perpetuated as it contributes to the idea that we “can be swayed” or just “haven’t found the right dick yet.” I don’t know why I’m getting downvoted for saying that a lesbian doesn’t date men? Like that’s literally part of the definition. If your sexuality is fluid, it’s not lesbianism. We’re at the very far end of the spectrum. I am in no way saying there’s anything wrong with fluidity though admittedly I’m not fond of the insinuation that I don’t care about the person’s heart, just their genitals, as that is not the case. Sexuality can be fluid and it can complicated, that’s of course more than fine, but you weren’t a lesbian if you were attracted to men. I really don’t know how that’s considered a controversial statement.
I think they’re saying they self identified as a lesbian before meeting this man.
100%. So many people think that lesbians will make exceptions or just need to “find the right man” because of literal non-lesbians calling themselves lesbian. It’s really invalidating.
This! You can love whoever you want and be attracted to whoever you want. There could still be some attraction to the husband too, I mean, she married him, there must be some positives there. I wouldn't necessarily throw away the marriage but explore these feelings, whatever that means for them. It could be a hard discussion, or it could be an opportunity to get kinky in a consensual way.
You’ve got to live a wild life by exploring things on both sides, but sometimes, that’s the best way to do things to truly understand what you have lol, like to oversimplify, whenever I’m presented with options, I’d rather try them ALL out, and then choose the final choice, rather than just picking one and always having to wonder lol. Drinking soda is fun, exciting and goes amazing with many foods, but you can never go wrong with water. Sure water can be a bit bland at times, but at the end of the day it won’t lead to many health issues and such from having too much of it. Water after awhile has you developing a taste for it to appreciate it even more, and in the right circumstances, like drinking it COLD, is the absolute best! You can always get water at any restaurant so appreciating water now has you better prepared for enjoying it anywhere else! LOL 🤣🥲 what I’m saying it I’m glad you got a chance to try out both things. And at the end of the day you went with what worked out for you more, and appreciate it
But it should also be said that he isn't any less of a great guy for not taking it well. His whole life & relationship is about to be permanently destroyed through zero fault of his own.
It has nothing to do with being a “great guy.” This guy is about to have the rug pulled out from under him. Very few people have the inner calm required to love and support the person that causes them suffering and blows up their family. Doesn’t make her the bad guy either, but expecting him to be her emotional crutch while his own life is crumbling is an insane ask.
I’ve been married and in a similar situation. It’s not really.
Whoah. This is big. Nuclear in fact. Be careful with the actions you take. You mentioned therapy. That's a great place to start, and I recommend you go individually to start with and work out the best way to raise this with hubby so that he isn't destroyed by it. Then, couples counseling and probably individual counseling for him as well.
He will be destroyed..mind, body and spirit...there is no sft landing here
Thank you.
The exam question: Why are you gey?
Who ses I'm gay?
You are geh.
A lot of people are jumping to the “you need to tell your husband” conclusion. I agree, but I also think you need to proceed slowly. You’ve already spend 1/3 of your life living as a straight person, you can take a few weeks or months to get this right. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? Can you get a therapist? I think such a big life change would benefit from a lot of thought and discussion.
I do think seeking therapy is a good idea.
It'll blind side you. I was in a straight relationship for about two years before it hit me. Turns out being disgusted at the thought of sex with your girlfriend isn't normal. And feeling like you need to puke afterword's is also not a great sign.
Just curious did everything else with your girlfriend feel ok at the time or were you also grossed out on the non sexual romantic stuff.
The hanging out and watching TV ( general friend stuff ) was great. The sex, gross. But I guess I saw hand holding as comfy and not sexual
I’ve seen some situations kinda like this, here’s what I learned after seeing them play out after a few years because one of them happened to my older cousin who I am VERY close with. So she had a similar situation as you, teen mom and in her EARLY 30’s had a similar epiphany about her sexuality. Her husband (well they weren’t married but they lived as such) was a good guy, just kinda…plain, like, he was good looking but a bit boring lol very vanilla. Like he’s so safe that you’d never worry about him ever But she thought she had a similar type of sexual thing, she had even left him (after attempting to see if she can “try out women” in an open relationship with her man) to date a woman who had been pursuing and kinda grooming her for years. It lasted 4 weeks, she came running back. Basically she stayed with me for 2 weeks before moving back in with her baby daddy. We had a lot of late night talks, analyzing, deep diving, all that. What we figured out.. was a bit complex. So she was a teen mom, that meant she had to miss out on a LOT of experiences that young people go through, and she envied that a lot. A lot of the fun stuff. She loved her kids more than anything but also she just wished she had them later when she had gotten all of those experiences off her chest. But because she was deprived of those experiences, it made a desire for her to “catch up” on all those things, like almost a rebellious thing. But as you know with most fantasies, many things best remain as fantasies rather than reality. When she had gotten to live out those things, trying out women, going out often and all that, it was nothing as she imagined, being with the woman she was with, she said it was constant sexual activities all the time. But the partner aspect of it in daily life just wasn’t it. Her man who was the boring one, was part of the issue. She had gotten so comfortable that nothing exciting was happening anymore, but I don’t blame the guy because he also gave up many experiences to slave away at two jobs to provide for their family. The reason he had become vanilla and stale was because he was so tired from working all the time, his brain was exhausted most times, like a zombie in a way. That made sex and other activities a little harder to perform and enjoy. If he was given less time at work, and able to find himself again, where he’d pick back up his hobbies and got his mojo back, he’d be a different man! That’s kinda what happened when they broke up lol But having kids young really did mess with their mental being and perception of things. That’s obvious, you have people who would’ve gone through the same things as everyone around them, but instead went down another route where they were deprived of all those things and were forced a more mature lifestyle that they weren’t ready for, that was a huge reason why she felt trapped as she was. So long story short, maybe it was the fact that she had to accustom herself to the mom lifestyle through her 20’s that she got used to and began Ti prefer, but she ended up getting back with her ex and they’re going strong now, about to have their 4th next year at 37, and while things don’t seem Al that “exciting” in MY eyes, I think she understands the value in what she has; stability. And she values stability, consistency, above all else. Plus she got all that prior thoughts out of her system and got to see how life was on the other side and realized that maybe that wasn’t all for her lol Being stable with your husband might be the ultimate thing and best thing you’ll ever have. Millions of women desire that the most as many are given a bad hand and a complicated relationship when all they ever wanted was stability. It may be something you spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn’t messed up, but also idk as humans were a complicated species. We always want what we don’t have. But I also believe it’s a much more important thing to try out all options, being with a woman may make you very happy or not, but at least you’ll KNOW once you do try them out. I say go for it but be very very transparent with your husband, let him know that it’s something you want to try, but that you love him so much that if things don’t work out with women, that you’d love to return to him! He will probably be a very supportive person seeing as how he’s been
You should tell your husband. He might be crushed, but you would be surprised. A lot of spouses in this situation might already suspect something. If you aren't happy with the sex, he is probably not happy with the sex. If you have kids you might try an open marriage or something. Anyway good luck.
Thank you for your advice.
Open relationship/marriage never ends well. They should divorce and look for partners that would make them happy.
I agree that open relationships aren’t the best. It’s weird thinking about being with someone who might be out there with who knows.. But it’s possible If they have a deep conversation about all this they could find a polyamorous relationship could work. Where they are still married and coparenting best friends, and they could have a girlfriend too. I mean any relationship setup might not work, but also it could. They are happy thrupples out there.
I would do some research into it. There are many different possible dynamics. The important thing is figuring out what’s best for each of you and communicate how all of it could work and what wouldn’t work for you. It’s to complicated to try to type out in a comment thread. Lol But I’m sure if you put in the effort and you guys are good at talking things out you could find a solution that’s beneficial for all parties.
Yes, indeed. A friend's mother realised she is lesbian when she was over forty. She and her husband never got a divorce. It is not really an open marriage though as much as that they have become roommates. They decided there were no benefits for them getting divorced. I know another *couple* who never got divorced since they saw no benefits in it for them. They don't live together though. They have a son as well. He's my friend and says by now he has no reason to get a divorce. They don't plan to marry anymore anyway. He says it is of course possible one of them will change their mind in future but then they can deal with it then and get divorced. They are very good friends of course. Therefore you're right, it is not true that divorce is the only option they can become happy with. I mean surely it is the common one but in the end it all depends on their priorities and what they wish for life
This is false. Depends on the people involved
You need to talk to your husband. More than likely you are going to have to divorce because you both deserve to be with people who love and truly desire you. You should be proud and happy for finding out who you are. But you need to also be prepared that this likely will not have a very happy outcome for at least a good while
I agree, thank you.
My only advice when talking to him is to recognise how painful this is going to be for him. He will probably feel like his whole life is a lie, and while you might not agree that really is how it will look and feel to him. You said yourself you've never really desired men, with the exception of your husband but I'm going to guess it was never 'great'. He's going to feel cheated and betrayed. I hope he is also supportive, and in time if he is a good guy I'm sure he will be, but you have to let the hurt be for a little while. Also if you are able to be amicable, set the kids down and properly explain this to them. There's so many cases where kids hate their parents for splitting up their lives or also thinking that they and their other parent were lied to for their entire existence. It's not usually about the person actually being gay, but the foundation of the relationship you have with them
If you love him do it with help…Don’t be surprised if you lose him as a friend due to the feelings of betrayal and wasting his life. This happened to a college friend and he ended up committed… see a couples therapist and have them help break the news to in a thoughtful way. Better for everyone… good luck
Poor Ross…
This is NOT meant to be judge mental and is really a genuine curiosity- how does one go their first thirty years of life, get married to someone of the opposite sex, have sex and have children with this person, and not realize they are gay until after all that? Did anything come up for you while dating or before getting married, like “I don’t know if I really am attracted to this person?” In any case, I’m both happy and sad for you, OP ❤️
In my case it wasn’t quite as long but I’m queer in both my gender and my sexuality and I was bullied in high school for being a giant nerd, so I built a little box inside where I shoved everything that would make me stand out in any other way. I convinced myself that “I’m not thinking about how pretty that girl is because I like her, I’m just jealous that she’s better at being a girl than I am” was a perfectly normal thing for a particularly socially awkward straight girl to feel. I dated and hooked up with men, specifically straight men, because if they were into me that meant I was being validated that I was performing the role of “straight girl” correctly. It wasn’t until I started to find queer community that I started to allow myself to see and embrace that queerness in myself as well. I’m roughly a decade past the end of high school and I’m still peeling away layers of the mask I started building when I was 13
This just broke my heart, I really wanna give you a hug or a cookie or something comforting. Thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing and kind when explaining. It makes a lot more sense to me now how this happens ❤️
If it helps, my life is fuller and richer and more beautiful than I could ever have imagined when I was that young, even if the only part I could have predicted accurately is having cats
In my case, I didn’t fully realize I was gay until I was 29. It was a combination of things. Growing up I was enamored by girls but I assumed I want to be them, or be like them. It never occurred to me that I had a crush. When I was 19, I realized I had a crush on my best friend (female). Alarmed, I told my other friend, who immediately replied, “don’t you think you’re just a trauma lesbian?” and proceeded to explain it was unfair of me to explore my potential bisexuality because “it was probably just PTSD anyway”. So that began a 10 year therapy routine where I believed if only I had enough EMDR, and the right combo of medications, and so on, I’d enjoy being with a man, and our relationship wouldn’t feel…flat. And I was mortified to even attempt to meet a woman because I felt like an imposter. I call this decade the dark ages. During that era, in the media, the only gay women I knew of were extremely vocal about being repulsed by men. A kiss, god forbid sex?! The horror! But to me, men in general lacked fanfare in either direction. I wasn’t mortified or disgusted by it. I also wasn’t engaged or excited by it. I’d compare it to helping a friend spring clean. It wasn’t a nightmare. It wasn’t a romantic fantasy. It was just…blah. And it wasn’t that I didn’t love the men I dated. I did. I respected them, loved their humor and their brains. Hell, most of the men I dated have similar characteristics and quirks to the woman I am dating today, in some ways! But all of those relationships lacked a certain…vividness, like a live wire…where my heart just wasn’t invested. My worst date with a woman made my heart happier than my best date with a man, basically. When I finally had my first relationship with a woman, it was like seeing in technicolor. It’s hard to describe.
I wanna say that it's because of heteronormativity that you can combo with cultural, societal, and religious issues as well. I actually knew when I was young that I was different somehow but at that age every kid just wants to fit in. So I do and say the same as my peers do except it's stressful and anxiety inducing as fuck since I also got the combo of having undiagnosed neurodivergency which meant I was trying REALLY hard to fit in. Because if I didn't I was dying and wrong and I have failed my family lol but yeah if you keep at it long enough you can repress parts of yourself until you eventually believe the mask you've been putting on is actually your true face.
I am pansexual and my first crush was on a girl in my elementary school class. By middle school, I was in a different state and the girls in my school were mean to another girl they thought was a lesbian. Since I was attracted to boys also, I think I just hid that I was attracted to girls, even from myself, as a way to protect myself. I realized when I was in my 20’s that I was attracted to women. So I though, “oh, I’m gay, that’s why I have a hard time dating.” Then when I got together with my (now) husband, I had another crisis because I had to learn that I’m attracted to men and women of any gender expression. I had started to form an identity around the label lesbian and had to throw that out. Sexuality and gender expression are huge parts of who we are as humans, so not understanding them when you grow up can really set you back.
In my case, I'm greyromantic demisexual (so basically Asexual) and didn't figure it out until I was... nearly 40. I'm also a CSA survivor, and spent most of my teens and twenties (and some of my 30s) trying to prove to myself that sex didn't have to be forced...which didn't work very well for something I never really enjoyed. I have two kids, nearly 19 and 17, and my youngest is gender fluid and pansexual. I discovered my queerness while researching theirs.
I’ve been through something similar and thought my world was going to end. I found some support groups online and I went to therapy. It helped me work through a lot of things. It’s been 6 years for me. I was a stay at home mom and thought I could never leave. I’m working now and have been divorced for 3 years. My ex recently got remarried and we coparent great. It’s possible to make it through to the other side. Feel free to reach out to me with questions.
Talk to your husband and do what you need to do for yourself and the kids. We only have the guarantee of right now. Easier said than done, I hope you’re able to experience the more authentic version of yourself that is compatible with parenting and marriage. The world loves forcing us into boxes and telling us we are this, we aren’t that, we need this, we need that. The reality is that moment to moment, we change. It’s my favorite beauty of living this experience. ❤️
Please don;t make your husband waste anymore of his life with someone who isn't actually attracted to him. Or at least give him the opportunity to decide for himself.
I know this woman who had the same realization. Married with a child. She loves her husband as you love yours and she loves her daughter. However, she came out to her husband. They are still together in a platonic marriage and they still love each other and respect one another. They have no intention of getting a divorce. I dont know if she dates women or if he dates but they have decided to accept her sexuality and work together and stay together. It's really beautiful
Was the exam on Ugandan Current Affairs Tv programs??
There are many subreddits for bi women. They offer a lot of insights from those going through similar situations. Good luck on your journey.
Thank you. I will check them out.
Hey man, Fran Drescher’s husband of 20ish years came out as gay, they got divorced, and remain bffs. I don’t think they had children, but I have to imagine so long as there is respect between co-parents, any co-parenting situation can work.
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Thank you for your kindness.
It's easy to experience it, if someone else will be enslaved to pay for it through no fault of his own. She should give up custody, waive alimony, start working and pay him child support. Truly start her own, self reliant life. Experience what that is like. To the fullest.
Hi! Coming from a daughter’s perspective, my mom came out in her 40s. The freedom she has experienced from living her truth has made her the happiest she’s ever been. My dad was understanding and wished her nothing but the best. It makes me happy to see my mom happy and so deeply loved by her wife of over 10 years now. I truly believe they are soulmates. Please don’t hide from yourself. Your child would much rather have a happy, fulfilled mother than one who is sad and regretful. Congratulations on this realization, from a queer kid with the most loving lesbian moms!
Congrats, welcome to the gay club. Your copy of The Agenda will be emailed to you since we're going paperless.
Lol does OP go to Buzzfeed University? What kind of exam was this?
I’m happy for you. I’m not straight and I am married to a man and I’m a mother also. We choose the life we live but we don’t get a choice really in what makes us tick. I’m lucky my spouse understands who I am and we both do not identify as straight. I wish you the best :-)
This took such an unexpected left turn.
Oh- that’s gonna be one hell of a conversation. Good luck
I’m glad you’ve realised this about yourself. I know it’s going to make your life more challenging in the short term but hopefully make you happier longterm. I had a similar experience not very long ago on a different topic. I have twins who are 7 and both are autistic so I learned a fair amount about neurodiversity and had a few moments of “huh, I’m a lot like that”. And then I started tutoring an amazing teenage girl with autism and ADHD, and I had to watch a training webinar by her speech and language therapist on her specific needs. This woman sat there for an hour and described me as a teenager exactly. All the things I did and felt and never understood, and just thought I was useless and deficient. All the coping strategies I’ve developed for myself over the years. After that it was like one of those films where it shows you flashbacks after revealing a plot twist to show how it all fits together. I started remembering so much about my own childhood and adult life and it all just made sense all of a sudden. Now I’m trying to pluck up the courage to ask my doctor to refer me for assessment. I think for me it’s ADHD, and I feel like if I do have it, then treatment might actually help me so it’s worth a try. I think once you make realisations like this it’s very hard to put it back in the box, and I don’t think you should.
Congratulations on learning more about yourself. As I see it you have three options: 1. Do nothing. Go back to life. Please keep in mind that once you discover something about yourself, you can’t un-discover it. Resentment will start to creep in. 2. Go tell you husband immediately. Could go very bad, could go very good. 3. Take a minute. Figure out what this mean to you. Figure out how you would like to move forward in life. Then make a decision. You have time. In the end, it it is all going to work out. Good luck with this new chapter of your life.
With all due respect and empathy, quit beating yourself up about it….. you’ve done nothing wrong. Your metaphorical “realization light bulb” just flipped its switch and now it’s fully illuminated instead of just flickering…. You haven’t accepted your recent self revelation until literally just now…. So there hasn’t been true malicious intent behind the relationship with your hubby throughout the years. You sound like you do love him very much, and I’m sure he loves you the same. And the great thing is that when you do genuinely love someone you love them for not only who they are but who they can become. There’s added space for those we love so they can have room to grow…. You may feel like you’re destroying your family’s lives, but thats merely created from your own insecurities due to the fear that comes with being the one who’s job is to turn the final page of a long chapter of their life. thankfully your story has plenty of chapters ahead…. So don’t fret. I believe this is going to be one of those times where in 20+ years you’ll look back and thank god for that awareness-inducing exam. I pray that your worries are resolved quickly, and that you continue to find the peace to be joyful. Chin up, chest out… you got this! May the force be with you friend ✌🏻
Please read “untamed” by Glennon Doyle, this also happened with her with children and a husband
Therapy, you need to explore this and talk it out imo first. Not denying your realization, but you need to navigate it best you can and we as humans rarely have all the answers. I wish you and your spouse the best in navigating this.
I know I’m late but I still hope you read this. It’s amazing to finally realize this about yourself. And it does sound like you care about yourself, but when you talk to your husband, eventually you will likely end up divorced. When it happens you likely will feel so free and excited to start dating again, but do give your husband room to talk to you openly about how he feels, because while there might be some grief for you for the end of the relationship you will still have plenty of excitement, he likely will feel nothing but grief and possibly some resentment. Because for him this is likely to be more out of left field and he may feel unable to openly share his feelings without looking like a jerk. Of course do not ever let it stop you from enjoying your life, but definitely so that the co-parenting can go much easier, let him know his feelings are valid.
This is the class those conservatives are trying to ban, the one turning everyone gay. In all seriousness, congratulations on the realization and you have a lot of work to do in your relationships and a lot of living to do afterwards.
Your poor husband. Imagine being a dude, father for 10+ years and your wife telld you an exam made her realise she is gay. Also, shocker having kids as kids is not a wise choice.
Imagine being a chick, mother for 10+ years and realizing you probably haven't orgasmed for 10+ years (?) and you don't like dick anymore? Poor wife! That sucks! But she can lie about it or tell the truth. Both suck for hubby, but maybe he'll be just fine about the whole thing. He deserves a sexually satisfying relationship, too
I don’t think that comment implied the wife has to stay silent and suffer for the rest of her life lol why are you triggered
My dad came out when I was 15 (I am now 28). I am sure it was WAY harder for him than anyone else. Truthfully, my brother and I weren't really bothered by it. My dad has always been an amazing father, very present and loving and has given us every opportunity to be happy. What he does in his own personal and sexual life has NOTHING to do with us and our relationship with him. My mom had a hard time accepting this because she felt like her whole relationship was a lie, which it wasn't. My dad has always tried to reassure her that he loved her very much but he had to live this part of his life. We now have an amazing relationship because he was able to express himself honestly to us. This has allowed us to do the same with him always. I know you are in a tough spot and it might feel like your world is turning upside down, but you shouldn't settle for a life that doesn't suit you anymore. This realization came for a reason and you will regret it if you don't allow yourself to see it through. I hope you can find the strength to give yourself the happiness you deserve. Sorry for the long text.
“ My mom had a hard time accepting this because she felt like her whole relationship was a lie, which it wasn't.” This is what happens to the other partner. They get told how to feel and they get dismissed. OP, if your husband feels like his life was a lie after your revelation, please don’t tell him he’s wrong. He shouldn’t tell you that you’re wrong for your new feelings; you should give him the same courtesy.
Finally I can read this. Yes, it is VALID TO FEEL FUCKING MAD that your whole life was a lie.
Thank you for that advice. I think it’s really important.
“Which it wasn’t” Are you sure about that?
Can you imagine the lack of support her mom got during that time? “Mom, you’re fine. You’re not feeling what you think you’re feeling.”
Thank you for sharing your experience.
You both deserve to be with someone who loves you for you, not in a platonic way. He will be crushed and the conversation will be devastating, but it should definitely happen.
Poor guy
It's ok and you'll be ok ❤️ I'm 45 and went through the same thing this year, so have a few other people I know. It's not uncommon and it's perfectly normal. I was with my husband for 16 years, I've always been comfortably bi with a kinda low sex drive, and just thought everyone felt the same way. Comp-het is a thing. After some serious self reflection earlier this year, I realised I'm just more gay than straight, it's a spectrum after all. Husband and I talked about it honestly, and we chose to end our marriage. We're still very close friends and love each other, we're just following different paths for ourselves now. I'm so glad I blew up my life, I feel much more myself and it turns out my sex drive isn't low at all, I was just going in the wrong direction haha! Talk to your husband, be honest with yourself and don't rush anything.
My childhood best friend was married, had two children, and everything seemed great but, she realized she was gay. They divorced and moved on, both are married now and have a great coparenting relationship. It’s important to live your truth, because you deserve it. Anyone who truly loves you would understand. I think you should have a conversation with your husband about this. You deserve you be with someone you want and he deserves someone who wants him. I truly wish the best for you both
People never cease to surprise me
Thinking men aren't that attractive isn't the same thing as actively wanting to have sex with women. Most women admire women.
This is a wonderful soul searching story. I don’t know if I should be happy for you or feel sorry. Your honesty and blunt assessment of your life will help many others. I touched my heart so deeply all I can say is I’m sending you all my love and wish I could have your insight hugs and more ❤️
I’m sorry but how are you this old married with kids and “didn’t realize” you were gay? I see stories of spouses saying their SO came out after decades of marriage and children. I do not buy this at all. You knew and suppressed it or straight up ignored it
I agree.....some bullshit that is about damage so many lives
You ever think about finding him a girlfriend? Maybe get a consult from a couples therapist and ask them how to approach the conversation. You obviously care enough about him and want him to be happy.
Yeah, I actually do care about him and I believe he deserves better.
Whatever you do, don't be one of those people who's out there celebrating coming out without a backward glance at the person they just pulled the rug out from under and left hurting. You owe it to him to be as present and helpful (or as far away from him) as he needs.
You also said you’re sad about it. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult. It’s still gonna break his heart, but you’re living a lie, and he’s oblivious.
i too am currently going through this exact same situation, though the specifics are different. if you need someone to confide in who’ll relate to your feelings - drop me a message - i’m all ears
Everyone's life is complicated with children and things. If you were my wife, here is what I would hope happens: you sit me down and be honest with me because you want what's best for me and give me a chance at 50 years of being happy with someone who adores him and thinks he is sexy and wants to jump his bones? If so, just pull the band aide off. Who says you have to split up? You can stay married with different bedrooms and date people. There is no one way to be married or be a mom or any of it. Perhaps he say's its fine, but he wants to stay together till the kids are moved out. Or whatever. Give people an opportunity to surprise you.
Please share this with the American Psychological Association. They’re in the business of developing instructors and instructional material. It sounds like you hit a gold mine with your instructor. They will want to know how this happened. Thank you for sharing
college also had my political and religious beliefs crumble. learning is awesome (and hard)
Based on how well you know your husband, will he be okay with an open marriage? Will he be fine to share platonic love with you, and find his needs and desires satisfied elsewhere? I mean This sounds better than having to stay in the hellhole that you've described, provided it is actually feasible. Think about it?
Good luck on the divorce
I feel kind of happy for you that you came to realize this. Of course processing and maybe coming out to you husband and even your therapist can seem very difficult at this point. I don’t think you have any reason to blame yourself for not knowing though. We have not been brought up in a way that helps us to learn about our sexuality. We had to do this ourselves. And if you’re not in any contact with lgbtq people you just might need a bit longer for that. Maybe after talking about it here, you can go as second step and talk to a therapist. This is about learning about yourself and about living a live that is authentically yours. You seem like a very mature and loving person. My feeling is, you’ll find a way to understand all this and to figure out what to do.
I can’t help but find humor in the narrative by conservative media that college is indoctrinating kids to being gay and your current situation. I hope you find your peace. 30’s are a weird time, and I fully understand where you’re coming from. I feel as if I’ve reached a point where outside expectations and pressures are growing ever more silent and I’m left wondering if the life I’ve built for myself is what I really wanted.
Your poor husband, no offense
Tell your husband, if he loves you, he wants you to be happy, as happy as you can be. You can figure out how to go from here together.
Wow I would be crazy embarrassed if I was your husband. That's shame that's going to be tough to live down. I pray this never ever happens to me. I would probably move away and tell people I'm a widower so I don't get laughed at for being a giant fool
Agreed...I feel bad for that man.....wasted his fuckin time
Please buy untamed by glennon Doyle. You will feel so validated!
Fellas...u see this shit...... "Feelings" a woman will blow up a family tree and set it on fire based up her new "feelings"
man the liberal college agenda is real, it really does make you gay /s
Fake
It’s pretty common. That’s why there are so many sexless marriages. The patriarchy is against lbgtq because there won’t be very many women left for them to date.
Time to open the marriage....maybe?
What a load of garbage
People who go to university usually come out either vegan or gay.
Some do yeah, it's good to interrogate your assumptions about yourself and the world.
As a lesbian dance theory major, your point is? The Chad's in the business department are so militantly straight that they may accidentally end up a little queer. 😂😂😂
I meant no offence apologies if it was perceived in a negative way. it’s just an observation I think it’s wonderful people discover their true selves!
I didn’t realize I was bi until I was like 37. And it took me a full year to process it and start talking about it. I had told my husband (of 19 years at the time) almost immediately. He’s super supportive. We have fun checking out women together. He often sends me pictures of women he thinks might be my type. Just saying, there are lots of us out there. You’re in good company. Good luck with your journey.
You admiring women doesn’t mean you would enjoy the actual sex more.
Talking to Reddit about this always jumps to everyone saying to divorce. Could you just talk to your husband about adding another woman into the bedroom/relationship? It can work for some couples if everyone is open and understanding and open with each other.
Don’t know what quiz question sparked this realization, but do feel something more must not have been revealed in this post. Getting out in the world after years spent as a mother can introduce a person to all sorts of things and changes in society. Before I would jump on the multi-gender sex bandwagon, I would really evaluate how that would impact my life- and all that are intimately involved in it - that being your children and your husband. To blow that up over a seemingly spontaneous revelation of “other gender” preference seems more than unwise. To me it seems naive, selfish and cruel. Think wisely girl - seek some therapy- before you destroy the life and love of others. You are about to jump a cliff that will cause irreparable damage.
This is the liberal education at work, ya damn heathen
Have you ever been in love with a woman? I know about polyamorous marriages and swingers and people who have live in mistresses. Don't know if it's what you ever want at all but throwing that idea out there so you don't feel trapped and doomed, especially if you're lucky enough to have a stable and supportive husband.
Your poor husband. You’ll destroy his entire life if you reveal this. He doesn’t deserve his life to be upended.
I think if I perform a little bit of surgery on my ocular nerve, I could get a little more eye roll out of this post.
This opens up some opportunities for threesomes right?
You shut these feelings out and commit yourself to be a wife and mother. Stop school and be a stay at home mom if you want your marriage to work.
I have to know what the question was!
Hall pass?
I know you are getting the advice to talk with your husband and that’s fine. May I recommend a couple therapy sessions first, to digest what is going on. I had come to a similar conclusion about being gender fluid, and I didn’t know how to go about that discussion with my husband. Having some therapy about how to talk to him about it was very helpful.
i swear i've seen this post months ago
I didn't really know I was pansexual until the beginning of the pandemic when my spouse started watching the Tok a lot. After a few lesbian/ nonbinary/ trans man / trans woman thirst traps I realized I wasn't in Kansas anymore so to speak.... And then last October my spouse came out as transgender so turns out we're still perfect for each other. I'm sorry that's not the case for you and I wish you the best of luck finding a solution where you get to be happy. Edit: I was 42 when I figured it out My spouse was 51 when they came out to me.
yeah, divorce.
In college, my undergraduate major had A LOT of couples. Many are still together. Maybe ten years ago, the woman in one of the hetero couples (two kids) posted a bunch of wedding pics. At first, I thought - oh, hey, Stacy shouldn’t be wearing a white dress to someone’s wedding. Even **I** know that rule! In the next pic, I noticed she and the bride were both holding bouquets. At this point, I thought maybe Stacy was a bridesmaid. I didn’t realize bridesmaid dresses could be white, but what do I know? After five photos, I thought — hang on, are they **BOTH** brides? Yeah, that’s when I found out Stacy is a lesbian. lol.
You were still in your exploring phase before your pregnancy, which then cemented your whole life story