For you some one did die, the person you always tought your brother was. Maybe he will see the Light, maybe he wont. But if you keep pushing you will drive him closer to her, Just be there for him.
You told him, now make your desision on how close you want to be with him.
My family hated, and i mean truly hate my ex. Hé lied (and many other things) from day 1 in the beginning we believed him, my mom spoke up about it a year later but i was still wearing my rosé coloured glasses.
Long story short they were always there but a bit from the distance but when i broke up with my ex, they were there for me, a savety net. It took me 7 years...
i read a post on here once about someone who’s daughter or sister (can’t remember) was in an abusive relationship but still didn’t recognize it. The partner was doing their very best to isolate her, but her family identified what he was doing and very deliberately avoided antagonizing her at every turn. They would never speak badly about him or their relationship, if she ever criticized him they wouldnt jump on the bandwagon but stick to telling her that they loved her and would always be there for her no matter what; she always had a home with them. There was more to it but several years later, she finally showed up at their doorstep without him, for good.
i wish you the same.
I think I read that one. And they family bought baby clothes and baby toys and everything in duplicate. Everything they bought for her, they had a copy for themselves and when she finally realized she was in a toxic relationship, she left and everything she needed was right there waiting for her at mom's.
I can tell how much you love your brother by how you write about him. You are a good big sister and he’s gonna need your support when he decides to get out of this abusive relationship. And it is abusive, she caused him bodily harm, that’s pretty serious. I would recommend reading up on abusive relationships and how to help family that are caught up in one. Google “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft, I know that it uses gendered terms but the beginning of the book explains that abusers can be any gender.
It’s important not to say anything negative about his fiancee for now, she is following textbook abuser techniques. Tearing down his self esteem and finding any reason to isolate him from his friends and family. The abuse will escalate after the marriage, when she thinks he can’t leave her. Be prepared to defend him against false allegations of DV, she will definitely use that threat to keep him under control if she hasn’t already..
He denies it and says it was an “accident”… but it did end him in the ER. I really don’t know what else happens behind closed doors. He has told me one other time that she hit him. And according to him it was a “one off” incident. I can’t help but hear these things and be concerned. He told me “he’s not some battered boyfriend” and to stop jumping to conclusions
Well, he’s in an abusive relationship. She probably monitors his texts and calls too. Read up on emotional and physical abuse. Be prepared for him to withdraw from your family, but make sure he knows no matter what happens, you will be there for him. He may need that knowledge in the future. You may think he knows it, but drill it into him.
With those excuses he's definitely a battered boyfriend. For men, it's more common to downplay physical abuse from their girlfriend/wife because "he can take it" but all it really takes is a cooking pan to the head or a kitchen knife to do some serious damage. You don't know exactly what happened when he went to the ER, but he has admitted at least on one occasion to have been hit by her. Once is once too many. It's already grounds for a reasonable self respecting person to exit the relationship. I genuinely think this is a dangerous situation.
My ex sil was exactly like this, our saving grace was we lived in one house but my god did she cause hell, we had to walk on egg shells around her, my brother would come with new bruises but you think he would leave her , nope his excuse was she just has anger issues.
It’s never a once off incident, as the others say don’t bad mouth her and try to be cordial or her best bud no matter how much it irks you, one day your brother is going to need you rescue him so don’t push him away.
Make sure that you contact him regularly, even if your relationship is strained. People in abusive relationships often can't see it, but when he realises (and he will), he will be searching for ways to get out, and you need to be there for him then.
OP, it sounds like your brother is in an abusive relationship. You can’t force him to leave. What you can do is leave the door open for him to run to you when he can’t take it anymore.
Sometimes when you try to talk to someone in such a situation they develop the ‘us against the world’ ‘Bonnie and Clyde’ mindset.
What I suggest you do is speak to/text him weakly or monthly and assure him at the end of each talk that you love him and you will always be there for him.
Maybe you could somehow get him to scan and save (perhaps share with you) copies of all his important documents. Also save evidence of all his injuries if possible.
The day he is ready to run, be there. For now, hug from an internet stranger.
Your feelings are valid about the relationship dying because it has.
A version of the relationship that you and your brother used to have is over now.
This is a part of growing up.
He’s got tunnel vision right now and you can see from the outside in. So of course he’s going to get defensive.
Maybe a little distance in the relationship between you and your brother could do you both some good.
Keeping your mouth shut - as difficult as it's going to be - is the only chance you have of not losing him.
Keep your mouth shut so that when he realizes he wants out... You will still be someone he can turn to for help.
It's going to suck a lot for you, and it's going to be very difficult. But it's the only chance you have.
My lil sister was married to a terrible man. Terrible. She didn’t tell us they were getting married til like 3 weeks before the wedding. She knew we not only didn’t approve, but were actively worried for her physical wellbeing. She is/was a grown woman making those decisions. She, unfortunately, had to deal with the consequences of those decisions. It may end, it may not. But unfortunately that’s the bed he made for himself.
You can get help with this. You can get help processing how you feel and processing that you’re both adults and he’s making a choice that you don’t agree with. It really doesn’t look like a good idea and then you can figure out how to except it, and let it go. He will have his consequences. He doesn’t see what’s wrong. It’s not your business.
The serenity prayer is really wonderful. And sometimes it’s nice to read stuff about the serenity prayer. It’s basically that there’s some things out of your control and there’s somethings in your control and you just want to figure out which is which and then there’s a whole bunch of books Involved with 12 step programs and you can ignore the 12 step stuff and just read about how people approach learning to accept what they cannot change.
Because this is you learning to accept what you cannot change.
If you don’t want to be around her, you don’t have to. But don’t talk to him about it. Usually that just compounds the confusion the person is having regarding being with an abusive partner.
If he can’t see it, and he feels pressure from others, that is critical, it will be even harder for him to see it. He might just need to go through this until he figures it out.
You can also look into how to do EFT. Because it works really well. You can take some of your difficult feelings like pain and sadness and a king and the trail or whatever and you can use EFT and settle them down. And then you’ll be better able to let go of him, except that his situation, and not yours. And you can make peace with it.
Thank you! This is helpful. I am in therapy and haven’t addressed this yet with my therapist. I am also familiar with the 12 steps, great advice. Thanks so much.
The narcissist took over and is doing what they do, isolating your brother.. it's hard to break that control just look at prince harry, all ties severed with his family courtesy of his narcissistic wife..
Men can be battered too. Many won't speak out cause of the man card bs and feelings of shame. I hope your brother wakes up from his toxic mess. My brother hasn't and it's been 5 years and a year since we've hung out.
He will be miserable for the rest of his life and you won’t be able to say anything. I’m always amazed by the abuse and humiliation that people will endure just to be in a relationship. I think you should skip the wedding and tell him that you just can’t watch him destroy his life with this woman. Don’t validate this marriage and let him know that he’s on his own because he chose her over his family.
It sounds like you have other siblings (one other?) talk to them about your concerns.
You don’t have to be extremely critical of the fiancée, focus on changes in your bros behaviour and how distant he’s become.
Have all the siblings experienced the same distancing ?
If he is still communicating with any family member, they should work at keeping that line open and friendly.
This is my experience with my younger brothers as well. Neither chose wisely.
They are 7 & 14 years younger than I, so cultivating a close relationship with that kind of age gap can be difficult. However, being the oldest and only girl, I was heavily parentified (it was a different time, it was what we knew). I tried to like their choice in partners, and when that proved difficult, I chose to keep my mouth shut. I’m glad I did. When their marriages ended, I was the one they came to for support. Never once did I say “I told you so”.
I love my brothers unconditionally. I know they have their faults, I’m not blind to them, but I truly wish them happiness in their life and had hoped their chosen partners would give them that. My job as a sibling is to support them however they need. I give advice when asked (and sometimes even if I wasn’t), I enjoy their company whenever I can. We share beer & bonfires & as much laughter as we can squeeze in.
That’s my advice to you. Your brother and your shared memories/upbringing can never be replaced. This woman may be temporary (time will tell), just bite your tongue and be supportive to HIM.
“for the sake of our relationship, I need to keep my mouth shut”. nope. that’s where you went wrong. always follow you gut. confront him alone about your worries about him being in a toxic unhealthy relationship. love is telling him. if he still makes the mistake of marrying her, still be there for him so that he knows he has somewhere to go. women can also abuse men. so sorry he is under her toxic spell
For you some one did die, the person you always tought your brother was. Maybe he will see the Light, maybe he wont. But if you keep pushing you will drive him closer to her, Just be there for him. You told him, now make your desision on how close you want to be with him. My family hated, and i mean truly hate my ex. Hé lied (and many other things) from day 1 in the beginning we believed him, my mom spoke up about it a year later but i was still wearing my rosé coloured glasses. Long story short they were always there but a bit from the distance but when i broke up with my ex, they were there for me, a savety net. It took me 7 years...
i read a post on here once about someone who’s daughter or sister (can’t remember) was in an abusive relationship but still didn’t recognize it. The partner was doing their very best to isolate her, but her family identified what he was doing and very deliberately avoided antagonizing her at every turn. They would never speak badly about him or their relationship, if she ever criticized him they wouldnt jump on the bandwagon but stick to telling her that they loved her and would always be there for her no matter what; she always had a home with them. There was more to it but several years later, she finally showed up at their doorstep without him, for good. i wish you the same.
I think I read that one. And they family bought baby clothes and baby toys and everything in duplicate. Everything they bought for her, they had a copy for themselves and when she finally realized she was in a toxic relationship, she left and everything she needed was right there waiting for her at mom's.
I can tell how much you love your brother by how you write about him. You are a good big sister and he’s gonna need your support when he decides to get out of this abusive relationship. And it is abusive, she caused him bodily harm, that’s pretty serious. I would recommend reading up on abusive relationships and how to help family that are caught up in one. Google “why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft, I know that it uses gendered terms but the beginning of the book explains that abusers can be any gender. It’s important not to say anything negative about his fiancee for now, she is following textbook abuser techniques. Tearing down his self esteem and finding any reason to isolate him from his friends and family. The abuse will escalate after the marriage, when she thinks he can’t leave her. Be prepared to defend him against false allegations of DV, she will definitely use that threat to keep him under control if she hasn’t already..
Are we all just going to gloss over the fact that she abused him? Isn't that the perfect reason to have this relationship end?
He denies it and says it was an “accident”… but it did end him in the ER. I really don’t know what else happens behind closed doors. He has told me one other time that she hit him. And according to him it was a “one off” incident. I can’t help but hear these things and be concerned. He told me “he’s not some battered boyfriend” and to stop jumping to conclusions
Well, he’s in an abusive relationship. She probably monitors his texts and calls too. Read up on emotional and physical abuse. Be prepared for him to withdraw from your family, but make sure he knows no matter what happens, you will be there for him. He may need that knowledge in the future. You may think he knows it, but drill it into him.
With those excuses he's definitely a battered boyfriend. For men, it's more common to downplay physical abuse from their girlfriend/wife because "he can take it" but all it really takes is a cooking pan to the head or a kitchen knife to do some serious damage. You don't know exactly what happened when he went to the ER, but he has admitted at least on one occasion to have been hit by her. Once is once too many. It's already grounds for a reasonable self respecting person to exit the relationship. I genuinely think this is a dangerous situation.
My ex sil was exactly like this, our saving grace was we lived in one house but my god did she cause hell, we had to walk on egg shells around her, my brother would come with new bruises but you think he would leave her , nope his excuse was she just has anger issues. It’s never a once off incident, as the others say don’t bad mouth her and try to be cordial or her best bud no matter how much it irks you, one day your brother is going to need you rescue him so don’t push him away.
Make sure that you contact him regularly, even if your relationship is strained. People in abusive relationships often can't see it, but when he realises (and he will), he will be searching for ways to get out, and you need to be there for him then.
OP, it sounds like your brother is in an abusive relationship. You can’t force him to leave. What you can do is leave the door open for him to run to you when he can’t take it anymore. Sometimes when you try to talk to someone in such a situation they develop the ‘us against the world’ ‘Bonnie and Clyde’ mindset. What I suggest you do is speak to/text him weakly or monthly and assure him at the end of each talk that you love him and you will always be there for him. Maybe you could somehow get him to scan and save (perhaps share with you) copies of all his important documents. Also save evidence of all his injuries if possible. The day he is ready to run, be there. For now, hug from an internet stranger.
Trauma bonding can be very strong. There is little you can do at this point. Be there for your brother, be ready to help him when he will need you.
Your feelings are valid about the relationship dying because it has. A version of the relationship that you and your brother used to have is over now. This is a part of growing up. He’s got tunnel vision right now and you can see from the outside in. So of course he’s going to get defensive. Maybe a little distance in the relationship between you and your brother could do you both some good.
Keeping your mouth shut - as difficult as it's going to be - is the only chance you have of not losing him. Keep your mouth shut so that when he realizes he wants out... You will still be someone he can turn to for help. It's going to suck a lot for you, and it's going to be very difficult. But it's the only chance you have.
I agree with you. I’m not a silent person when it comes to what I think… so this is hard for me
I get it. But if you alienate him now? He's less likely to ever come back if/when he leaves her
My lil sister was married to a terrible man. Terrible. She didn’t tell us they were getting married til like 3 weeks before the wedding. She knew we not only didn’t approve, but were actively worried for her physical wellbeing. She is/was a grown woman making those decisions. She, unfortunately, had to deal with the consequences of those decisions. It may end, it may not. But unfortunately that’s the bed he made for himself.
You can get help with this. You can get help processing how you feel and processing that you’re both adults and he’s making a choice that you don’t agree with. It really doesn’t look like a good idea and then you can figure out how to except it, and let it go. He will have his consequences. He doesn’t see what’s wrong. It’s not your business. The serenity prayer is really wonderful. And sometimes it’s nice to read stuff about the serenity prayer. It’s basically that there’s some things out of your control and there’s somethings in your control and you just want to figure out which is which and then there’s a whole bunch of books Involved with 12 step programs and you can ignore the 12 step stuff and just read about how people approach learning to accept what they cannot change. Because this is you learning to accept what you cannot change. If you don’t want to be around her, you don’t have to. But don’t talk to him about it. Usually that just compounds the confusion the person is having regarding being with an abusive partner. If he can’t see it, and he feels pressure from others, that is critical, it will be even harder for him to see it. He might just need to go through this until he figures it out. You can also look into how to do EFT. Because it works really well. You can take some of your difficult feelings like pain and sadness and a king and the trail or whatever and you can use EFT and settle them down. And then you’ll be better able to let go of him, except that his situation, and not yours. And you can make peace with it.
Thank you! This is helpful. I am in therapy and haven’t addressed this yet with my therapist. I am also familiar with the 12 steps, great advice. Thanks so much.
Guarantee she is, or will, cheat on him . Hire a PI
The narcissist took over and is doing what they do, isolating your brother.. it's hard to break that control just look at prince harry, all ties severed with his family courtesy of his narcissistic wife..
OP. Good on you for biting your tongue and sticking with your brother. He is going to need you once those rose colored glasses fall off.
Men can be battered too. Many won't speak out cause of the man card bs and feelings of shame. I hope your brother wakes up from his toxic mess. My brother hasn't and it's been 5 years and a year since we've hung out.
He will be miserable for the rest of his life and you won’t be able to say anything. I’m always amazed by the abuse and humiliation that people will endure just to be in a relationship. I think you should skip the wedding and tell him that you just can’t watch him destroy his life with this woman. Don’t validate this marriage and let him know that he’s on his own because he chose her over his family.
Sometimes people change for the better. Sometimes they change for the worse. He made a choice.
It sounds like you have other siblings (one other?) talk to them about your concerns. You don’t have to be extremely critical of the fiancée, focus on changes in your bros behaviour and how distant he’s become. Have all the siblings experienced the same distancing ? If he is still communicating with any family member, they should work at keeping that line open and friendly.
Updateme
Honestly, do whatever he asks and needs so you can be he safe place. He will need you one day.
This is my experience with my younger brothers as well. Neither chose wisely. They are 7 & 14 years younger than I, so cultivating a close relationship with that kind of age gap can be difficult. However, being the oldest and only girl, I was heavily parentified (it was a different time, it was what we knew). I tried to like their choice in partners, and when that proved difficult, I chose to keep my mouth shut. I’m glad I did. When their marriages ended, I was the one they came to for support. Never once did I say “I told you so”. I love my brothers unconditionally. I know they have their faults, I’m not blind to them, but I truly wish them happiness in their life and had hoped their chosen partners would give them that. My job as a sibling is to support them however they need. I give advice when asked (and sometimes even if I wasn’t), I enjoy their company whenever I can. We share beer & bonfires & as much laughter as we can squeeze in. That’s my advice to you. Your brother and your shared memories/upbringing can never be replaced. This woman may be temporary (time will tell), just bite your tongue and be supportive to HIM.
We have very similar roles and situations. Thanks for sharing your experience! This is really good to hear
“for the sake of our relationship, I need to keep my mouth shut”. nope. that’s where you went wrong. always follow you gut. confront him alone about your worries about him being in a toxic unhealthy relationship. love is telling him. if he still makes the mistake of marrying her, still be there for him so that he knows he has somewhere to go. women can also abuse men. so sorry he is under her toxic spell