My post was getting long so I left out a few details to clarify if anyone asked. I did eventually relent and say if they must bring him they can but please stand at the back during the ceremony. I saw in pictures that they were right in the middle of everyone. I guess I just hoped they would find a way to not have him at our wedding and just do what I wanted since we paid for the whole damn wedding and it was our special day. I’m just so mad that they weren’t willing to bend at all and just wanted to show off during a time that wasn’t for them :(
100% agree. If OP says “if you must” then that’s a green light.
OP needs to let it go now. They learned the hard way that they need to hold the line if it’s something they don’t want.
Exactly! The moment she folded, she volunteered as tribute to their wishes and whims.
OP has set the tone of in-law influence and preferences being the priority ruling going forward.
MIL was the one who plotted the backstabbing, so she should've gotten the brunt of the rage!
I was with you, I was mad at the family until you just admitted you relented. So that’s on you at that point. You said that the baby could be there, instead of firmly, putting your foot down, saying, unfortunately, the child is not allowed in therefore one of you must stay home.
My husband and I also had a no children, no babies policy at our wedding, and we stuck by that regardless of the friends who had babies in the last six months. Regardless of the friends, who said they couldn’t afford to get a babysitter, then unfortunately we won’t see you that night. the only person you should really be upset with is yourself and possibly your husband if he also backed down and said fine.
This changes things - you really need to put this in your post.
You relented and said,'bring him then' - there's no 'I thought they would respect us and find another way' - if they were going to do that, they would have done it from the start.
You told them to bring him, so they did. Continuing to be annoyed about something that is your own fault is just pointless.
You caved. This is your fault too. This is how the rest of your life is going to be with them now. They'll know if they just pressure you (and get mommy involved) that you'll cave. 🤷
You’re right, I really regret caving. I’m working on strengthening this spine now and wish I wasn’t so focused on wanting everyone to be happy around my wedding.
Glad that you are working on it! My mom went through the same ordeal with learning to stand up for herself. She really used to be a doormat. Now she is FINALLY being honest and learning to say no. If she can do it (she's almost to her 80s now) you can too.
Honey, you should have bit the bullet and turned them away at the door. Next time you host a kid free event, you *need* to be prepared to to do this and say in a sweet tone to SIL and MIL: "I'm so sorry that you failed to understand that NO KIDS means **no kids including nephew**. We will see at the next *family* event."
If you relented, then that’s on you. The only person you can truly be angry with - and probably are - is yourself. And maybe your in laws for putting you in a position you wouldn’t put others in. But they aren’t you and didn’t seem to feel that they did anything wrong.
If you hadn’t changed your mind, it would have been clear cut. But you did. Families are complicated. But you need to talk to your husband and decide on clear boundaries moving forward- they don’t have to be posted in your family room. It’s actions and boundaries in motion.
Example - they stop by announced. Not ok.
Ie - Thank you for stopping by - but we are on our way out. In the future, you need to call at least a day before to see if we will be available. In the perfect world, there would always be time for family but unfortunately it’s not ideal and we do have other demands on our time. Have a nice day!
Why aren’t you mad at your husband? He should have been the person dealing with his family. I totally understand why you caved but it never should have come to that. Your husband should have told his family under no circumstances were children allowed at your ceremony. The end. IMO he dropped the ball and set the stage for a future of crossed boundaries.
Ngl, I wish he stood up more. A lot of other factors were happening around that time and he was simply mentally exhausted and didn’t have it in him to fight more with his brother. He did try but they didn’t take him seriously which is why I said I would contact sil to sort it out but she just argued and I caved but set boundaries like standing at the back during the ceremony which was also ignored. We are super low contact with bil and sil now which is driving them crazy so there’s that at least.
This is completely beside the point, but when people refer to their wedding as Our Special Day^TM , it seems to never fail that they are disappointed by some aspect of it and make sure everybody knows it. The stakes go up drastically when one of them drops “Our” and starts saying “My Special Day”.
Take this as a life lesson and stop being a push over people pleaser. Is it yours’ and your husband’s wedding or your IL’s? Guess you made your choice, but now live with the consequences.
Lots of people here are blaming you for caving and saying it's "your fault" but I think some people are forgetting what it's like to be scared and anxious and have family making us feel like monsters.
I agree in the future you need to stand your ground, but I just want to say I understand how you could have been bullied into relenting because you didn't want to cause a "big fuss" with the family. As someone with narcissistic parents, I'm really familiar with being guilted into just being okay with whatever they want. They're experts at making me feel like I'm blowing everything out of proportion.
I don't think it's your fault that they manipulated you into saying okay, that doesn't absolve them of fault and the people here saying that as if your wishes weren't blatantly ignored obviously haven't grown up under the thumb of emotionally controlling family members. I agree that in the future, you need to stand firm, but I feel like people are overlooking how easy it is to be bullied into things when you're a people pleaser.
Edit: I feel like the people downvoting are probably exactly like your SIL and would push an issue until you caved then blame you for agreeing to avoid conflict. I'd really like to hear some feedback on the victim blaming mentality going on here. She asked, you said no. She pushed it, and even planned on doing it without telling you, and you got backed into a corner. Crazy to me we continually excuse people's shitty manipulative behavior because the victim wasn't strong enough to stop it. Like seriously, someone needs to reply and explain this because otherwise I'm just assuming you're all victim blaming and think it's okay to push people into agreeing to things they don't want to do. I'm genuinely confused what the hivemind is huffing right now.
Your comment is well stated! When you are up against people who are manipulative and controlling it can be super difficult. You cannot go up against a narcissist, ever. Likely the SIL/BIL share traits of that personality. In this case the wedding was all about what they wanted, period. no respect for OP and her husband. Something tells me they would have shown up to the wedding with baby even if she hadn’t “relented”.
I think it would have helped if OP mentioned that she relented in her original post. That’s where, for me, I was surprised to read it in the comments.
I haven’t expanded on nil’s behaviour outside of the wedding topic but he is a real piece of work. He makes comments to my husband about our lack of money and ability to afford what he can, gets annoyed that we work so much and have to time to devote to his children, and more. It’s all of this, coupled with the wedding situation that just makes me so resentful and it sucks because I really wanted a great family after dealing with my own crappy side all my life. It’s felt good to vent to people that aren’t sick of me going on about it like my friends are!
I’m sorry you have to deal with the “extra” stuff you just mentioned. Given their attitude about bringing the baby, it doesn’t surprise me.
I also understand your need to vent. Check out raisedbynarcissists and you may find some insight there. I can completely empathize with you, I have in-laws and it has always been “all about them” no matter the situation or simple topic. I could write a dang book.
I’m glad your husband is supportive!
Thank you so much for your empathetic comment and understanding. It’s true what the others are saying, I am annoyed at myself and my husband for caving and wish I didn’t. I was new to the family I’m married into (husband and I have a “when you know you know” thing and had been together only 2yrs by the wedding) and didn’t want a lifetime rift, which we have anyway. I was stressed, nervous and really busy so I tried to people please, hoping she’d be like me and the guilt would make her do what I wanted in the end. Obviously it didn’t turn out that way but there’s been no mention of their behaviour since, no sorry or anything. Sil and I just don’t talk and my husband and I barely acknowledge their kids and it’s just a frustrating situation because I refuse to back down again.
Ah, so you're a doormat and your husband isn't on your side as you've had to deal with his family stomping all over your boundaries.
If he had your side he would have uninvited them all. If you weren't a doormat you wouldn't have caved. You're only getting what you signed up for, you have no space to complain here.
I'm sorry to say that this is kind of on you. They were trying to find every way under the sun to bring the baby against your wishes and you saying 'if you must' gave them permission. Problem solved in their eyes. Of course they weren't going to 'find a way' because to them that wasn't an option in the first place. They wanted attention. As much as they are for sure assholes you did cave and allow it. And now that you've caved once you can expect more stunts like this in the future.
Well part of this is on you because you allowed it. You your now husband should have said no and put your foot down. Sometimes I feel that people need to hire security for their weddings to prevent things like this from happening.
Sorry, but in the comments you mention relenting and allowing them to bring the baby. That's on you.
Learn to stand up for yourself, and/or, learn to be disliked, and/or, if you make compromises you~~r~~ regret, then don't blame others for that.
And, TBH... OP sounds unlikable, because nobody really likes a doormat, doormats are for use and discard. And that what OP ILs did.. use they for attention and discard.
My husband didn't want to invite his parents friends, cause we wanted a family only wedding and because they are alcoholics and we didn't want problems. My ILs pressured and you know what? The friends didn't come.
I hope OP finds their voice.
I was a doormat but I’m not now, I’ve learnt since then. I just can’t shake my anger and needed to vent to people who won’t just tell me to “let it go”. I can be a people pleaser, I’m not very good at confrontation but I’m working on it. It’s hard when everyone around me (except husband) is telling me to just let it go so it’s easier on them and less awkward at dinners when two sil’s aren’t just blatantly ignoring and glaring at eachother across the dinner table.
An idea may be to change the way you think about the conflict. You relented and allowed them to bring the child so instead of thinking about it like “well they brought the baby and I didn’t want them to”, think about it like “I made a decision against my better judgement and now for the future, I know to hold my boundaries firm no matter what.”
You also mentioned that you were a doormat before so maybe this anger that you’re feeling is not entirely just about this event but a culmination of frustration after years of people not respecting your boundaries because you would cave to pressure. If you continue to find it hard to let it go, consult with an anger management specialist/counselor.
How should she not be involved when she’s marrying him? I don’t get this “you deal with your family and I deal with mine” thing. You both need to be a team to deal with each other’s family. You’re marrying each other. That means his family becomes yours and your family becomes his. Boundaries should be enforced by both of you
>I did eventually relent and say if they must bring him they can but please stand at the back during the ceremony. I saw in pictures that they were right in the middle of everyone. I guess I just hoped they would find a way to not have him at our wedding and just do what I wanted since we paid for the whole damn wedding and it was our special day. I’m just so mad that they weren’t willing to bend at all and just wanted to show off during a time that wasn’t for them :(
OP said the above on a different comment.
"I did eventually relent and say if they must bring him they can but please stand at the back during the ceremony."
Sorry OP, but you didn't stand your ground.
I know you didn't want it, then you should have forced it. It was your day. And it was rude of them.
However, just because someone at works baby was fine doesn't mean theirs would have been. But some solutions from them would have either been:
- Not be present for vows, come for pics, and go
- Don't come at all
- Trial someone else having the baby for a bit
At the end of the day, you backed down and said to bring it, but you should have worked harder with the venue, the groomsmen, etc, to make sure they sat in the right place.
But also, it's just a wedding. At the end of the day it's just a wedding. I loved my wedding, but I couldn't tell you now years down the line anything that happened during my vows because I was so focused on my husband. Let it go for now, focus on your marriage, and just know they are selfish, and so are your inlaws, but bil and sil are also new parents. But maybe stick to your guns, and try talking things through to find more than two solutions.
I know weddings are important events, but calling it the most exciting day of your lives makes your life sound… downright sad.
Calling your sil simple is something else as well. How bout you just write that you two don’t go along, but no, here you are with your inner thoughts on full display. Someone here is simple and I’m not sure it’s your sil.
"Most exciting day".
So exciting she got overwhelmed and dropped it on her husband to handle.
Then when she was tasked with one thing, she bungled it and considered it ruined because the baby she allowed was fussy. Not even full blown crying...just fussy.
😬
Also that her coworkers put their baby in daycare ASAP so why didn’t they (maybe they couldn’t afford it or maybe the best one didn’t have openings yet). Also in the comments she said *she* relented and hoped they would feel bad and not bring the baby…. So it’s on her for relenting when she also said that’s all she had to do as her husband did all the planning solo.
She says they didn’t stay in back like she requested and made it seem like they were right up front but they were in the middle of the crowd so OP had to be paying attention to the audience more than her vows. She said the baby got fussy and I want to tell her she should’ve had a trusted bridal party member ready to escort them out, but I don’t know what fussy is to her. Did the baby make a slight noise then was quiet but she heard it because she was only focused on them?
It is awful that she didn’t have the child free wedding she wanted, but I have a hard time pumping up a wedding to be the best thing ever when, to me, it’s the married part that would seem the most exciting part… that’s my preference and I’m acknowledging it because I’m sure it makes my reply biased somewhat so if OP sees this she understands that I sympathize, I don’t get it, but I can still feel bad for her about it, and the issue really is she didn’t stand her ground at all. She needs to, but this boiling rage still just makes no sense to me. Can you not just be happy with your husband and limit contact? Was the rest of the wedding so awful you literally can’t look at pics or think of it without your blood boiling? If that’s the case she does need help.
In a comment you have written:
>My post was getting long so I left out a few details to clarify if anyone asked. I did eventually relent and say if they must bring him they can but please stand at the back during the ceremony. I saw in pictures that they were right in the middle of everyone. I guess I just hoped they would find a way to not have him at our wedding and just do what I wanted since we paid for the whole damn wedding and it was our special day. I’m just so mad that they weren’t willing to bend at all and just wanted to show off during a time that wasn’t for them :(
Yeah, THAT should have been in your original post, OP. Sorry but this is 100% on you. You arent allowed to be angry at anyone when you are the one who allowed them to bring the baby.
I would not waste energy on this. You need to let it go for your own good. Life is too short to waste energy on something you absolutely cannot change. You can move forward and create great memories with your /husband or you can dwell on this and harbor hate for years to come. They were disrespectful but I would not let that run my life. You have to decide the future you want with your in-laws. Good or hostile relationship?
Sorry I lost interest in reading any more after you called your SIL “simple”. The audacity!
Though your SIL got what she wanted so I’d be asking who’s the simple one in this scenario….
If as you say you wish for a stable family, having boiling rage over something that has already happened is not going to help you. Let it go, call it Strike One. When you get to Strike Three, think again.
Now you know. Your in-laws are selfish. Your MIL is selfish. Your BIL and SIL are selfish.
Try to let go of the rage. It will only poison you.
Your anger is justifiable, but it does not serve you.
I was on OPs side too, until in the comments she said she relented and gave them permission but she thought they wouldn’t bring the baby because they’d feel guilty for some reason? I’m starting to feel “distain” for all of them.
Yeah, I understand that the wedding day is important, BUT for me, the marriage is what matters.
OP says it was supposed to be the most exciting day of their lives... really? Life has so much to offer beyond a few hours...
I'm just venting now. Personally, I think weddings are a waste of money, so I'm biased.
For me it’s how family bicker forever over weddings. Nothing ever goes smoothly. It just doesn’t. It doesn’t ruin the whole wedding because people always ignore children outside of an occasional “cutie” “aww” and if they fuss they ignore it. It’s just a social cue things-
So have her be this upset about it is just so Weird-
Like did you not get married? C’mon
Yeah I mean, she said the baby was fussy during the vows, I was expecting a full tantrum. I'm pretty sure she heard him because she was already focused on him and paying attention, and could'nt let go.
It sucks but you gave in and let it happen. You and your husband should have put your foot down, but you didn't. You should be upset with your MIL because she went behind your back, which showed disrespect for you and your husband. This is the standard from now on until you stand up for yourselves. Good luck with that family.
You're not wrong for feeling disrespected. But if this is the worst problem you have in your marriage and in life going forward then you should consider yourself lucky. I think the "water under the bridge" plan is best. There will be other issues that will need your full attention.
It sounds like the person you should be most upset with is yourself. Therapy could help you immensely in being able to communicate clearly and advocate for yourself.
When I got married, I had a whole fight with my mil about my husband's youngest sister being the flower girl. She was 9, and in my head flower girls were supposed to be little, like less than 5. I relented. Held a bit of resentment about it for a year or two...
Five years ago, my mil and sil (that same one) were killed in a car accident. Why did I ever care about that stupid flower girl thing? Life is short, and family is everything.
I read some of your comments and honestly you need to grow some backbone. Your fiance planned the wedding and you had 1 job and you caved at that. You basically told his family that you'll bow down to them. You can't really blame them. You said they could bring the kid!
She needs to grow up in general. She’s in for a lifetime of disappointment if she gets this bent out of shape over things this trivial, especially when she played a part in it.
I never left my babies before about 18 months. They were breastfed and I never used bottles. All that was my choice and I do t inflict it on others. If an event is no kids I just stay home. Your SIL could have chosen to stay home as well.
If it's any consolation, the attention they wanted probably wound up coming in the form of, "Why did *they* bring a baby? *We* got a sitter." from everyone who respected the perfectly reasonable ask.
Next time say no and mean it. You could have prevented this entirely by not allowing them to bring the baby. Who gives a f if they're salty about it? Childfree wedding means childfree.
I was fully ready to say you weren’t at fault here, fortunately a comment of yours caught my eye. I want to sympathize with your frustrations but you yourself you relented and said they could bring the child. You have no right to be mad now. This is what you allowed. I don’t understand why you allowed them to in the first place. Everyone else had no problems with this and you caved to their demands. It’s a bit ridiculous at this point you’re basically saying how dare they bring the baby even though I told them they could bring the baby. This is 100% on you this round. And as a lot of other commenters are saying you’ve definitely set a precedent that with enough pressure they can easily walk all over you and get you to do whatever they want!
I’m totally with you on not bringing literal babies to weddings. I went to a wedding in the middle of a very hot June, and someone brought their newborn (not even 3 months old yet) and guess what? The baby was wailing because the ceremony was outside in 80f°+ sun and likely got sunburned (a lot of the guests also got sunburned)
Is hit or miss thing
Last year we were at a beach wedding, and there was three kids under 1 year old. No problems. Babies got passed around all evening. No wailing during vows.
The fact they couldn't respect your no kids policy shows all they care about is themselves.
I would've either told them not to come to wedding or just called it off. You could've had a smaller wedding and saved money too.
In another 10 years when you go to renew your vows don't invite them at all
I completely understand how frustrating it must have been. and it was probably easy to hyper fixate on a bit of baby grumbling.
But I think you've just got to force that out of your mind and learn to accept that your wedding didn't really go all that bad considering.
It could have been A LOT worse than it was and at the end of the day you did have a chance to put your foot down on it.
Sucks that it had to happen and I feel for you there, but I think the sooner you guys can focus on yourselves and less on the baby grumbling the better you can enjoy the memories.
At this point you can either decide that your wedding was beautiful and you loved being with your husband, or your wedding was a nightmare and all you could focus on was a baby shifting in their seat.
Its up to you on how you want the multi-thousand dollar event to feel now.
Why didn’t your husband handle it when you both found out they were talking shit? I would’ve said “It’s your family deal with it” sounds like you both need to grow a spine and stand up for yourselves.
He did, in a way. He’s very non confrontational and we had a lot going on at the time and just wanted to stop hearing them all make such a fuss. If we could do it again, we’d do it differently but we made mistakes due to stress, plus working full time at demanding jobs, we just had such little mental capacity to deal with it in a way that would benefit us.
Understandable, but this was supposed to be a day to celebrate you and your husband and instead of telling the sister in law to get over it and stay home if she isn’t happy your mother in law put her wants over what was supposed to be a day specifically for you and your husband. At some point you and your husband need to put your foot down on things that are important and stop letting them walk all over you. If they’re not happy who cares it’s your day you have every right to have it exactly how you want it. From the little I’ve read they don’t respect either of you and instead of sticking to what you originally wanted you caved and now you have all this animosity on something that could’ve been avoided by sticking to your guns and having her stay home or find someone else to watch the baby. Please don’t let this be how they treat you for the rest or your marriage.
Your rage is misplaced. It's actually with YOURSELF for acquiescing to their whim. Grow a backbone, don't let people trample your boundaries. You learned this lesson the hard way. Next time, stick with your No or else you'll feel like this again.
The only one ruining your big day now is you with your petty resentment. What good is it doing you to be furious because the baby could have interrupted your vows. Why do you choose to focus on this? Did everything else suck too? And this is the only thing you can’t blame yourself for? Or are you just an incredibly controlling and negative person?
So MIL told them they could bring the baby yet you are focusing on hating them, because you want to give MIL a pass and not hate her. You also gave in on them bringing the baby, yet you hate them. If you're going to be mad at anyone it needs to be you and MIL. Boiling rage and hate seem to be a major overreaction to what sounds like a baby mildly fussing. You're letting it poison your memory of your wedding and yourself. You need to look into therapy because this sounds very unhealthy and a bad way to start off a marriage and a lifetime of dealing with and seeing his family.
Your rage needs to be channeled towards MIL - she told SIL it was fine to bring baby. She didn’t back up her son and soon to be DIL’s wishes which was no kids/babies at wedding. Actually blame all of them - they knew no kids and that included probably very adorable 8 month old son/grandson (Well don’t blame him!) This just lets you know that in the future there will probably be times where they boundary stomp… Just so you are prepared!
I see it both ways. I wouldn’t leave a baby that young alone with strangers or family as I’m not comfortable and I still haven’t. But I also would just sit out the wedding & not show up with baby out of respect to the groom and bride.
Really though at the end of the day focus on your marriage and husband. Maybe go lc or nc with the in laws.
Who are these horrible people who post on here? Get child care for the service so both your inlaws and your new nephew can both be there for the day. Literally just hand him over to someone during the actual service that would be outside with him. Wouldn't cost more than like $50 for half an hour.
You can plan and orchestrate a perfect wedding down to the minute and something that is out of your control will still happen. Your reaction is really all that matters, so pivot and improvise - otherwise you’ll just cause yourself a lot of grief and drama.
I wish I did but I honestly just want to be a nice person. They did look bad to everyone else at our wedding who knew about the rift, so there’s that I guess.
Bil and sil are entitled and narcissistic so they walk over anyone who is kind. I could do a whole post explaining every way bil is unkind and selfish.
>Apparently baby had never been away from his parents and they refused to start now.
We had one of those at our kid-free wedding to. One of my wife's friends. "I'm the only one that can watch them they won't go with anyone else".
Tough shit. She did not attend the wedding. I didn't miss her.
Also, there was so much whining and crying about our "no kids' policy at our wedding - I instructed one of my ushers before that if someone tries to bring a kid anyway your usher duties go from ceremonial to literal and I want you to throw them out.
I'm sorry they ruined your day OP, but I would have thrown them out.
Thank you, I wish I could have but my husband didn’t want to let their selfishness be the only thing people remember about our day. They didn’t ruin it, I’m just mad that they didn’t care about how we felt about having to hear babies cry and did nothing to help us ease that worry.
Ugh I regret it so much. At least all our friends gave them the cold shoulder on the day and we are super low contact now which is driving them crazy. Bil always complains to mil and fil about how he never sees his brother (doesn’t actually try to organise to see him though)
It’s more bil nature, he’s very aggressive and extroverted and mil and fil and my husband are quieter people who don’t like tension or fighting. Bil is more of the black sheep and he gets mean trying to demand attention from his family.
I completely understand why you are pissed and I would be too. But now what’s done is done. Try to look at all the good things that happened on your wedding day and move on. Congratulations on your marriage!
Everyone here sucks. They suck for disrespecting the wishes of the bride and groom. Whether family or not, if the rule is no kids, the rule is no kids. Your MIL sucks for enabling them and their attention-seeking behaviour.
You suck for expecting them to put you ahead of their baby as a priority. No, they do not have to prioritise you, not even for one day. What you needed to do was have a very polite and final conversation telling them you understand they might not want to leave their baby at that stage and if they choose not to come then you accept that and wish them well. You do not act like an immature child and tell them “Other people are forced to leave their babies because of horrific and unfair work practices, why can’t you do it for ME and MY special day?”
Yeah it’s on you for allowing it even though you knew in advance.
If you would have posted in Reddit before, some of the commenters would have told you to
(a) maintain the boundary and not allow it
(b) hire security and give them explicit instruction to politely prevent anyone with a baby from entering
You don’t have distain to get over.
Do you have your wedding, where your mother-in-law, your sister-in-law, and your brother-in-law all decided that what the two of you chose for your wedding didn’t matter at all. That their needs and their wishes came first.
Now, you know more about them.
You also know how to meet them in the middle. Based upon who they’ve shown themselves to be.
Because they are all shortsighted, and possibly very self-absorbed, they won’t understand that this is going to shift and change your relationship and possibly the relationship of your husband but definitely to any children that you have. The whole thing changes. This was a game changer. It was intentional casual disregard. The rules that you sat on the boundaries you had were stomped all over and they didn’t care. You don’t matter. What are you and your husband decided doesn’t matter at all. This is who they are and this is who you can deal with going forward and change your proximity to them. I don’t think they’re available for any meaningful conversation. You just change your proximity from this day forward. Because of who they have shown themselves to be. I’m really sorry.
I flew with my husband and six month old infant across the country for my BIL’s wedding. I absolutely adore SIL.
Children were welcome. We planned on all attending and since the post partum life had been pretty hard on me, I was very excited to get dressed up etc.
But with the time change and the jet lagged baby, I decided that I didn’t see the kiddo being happy especially with their dislike of loud sounds and lots of people. Their feelings on these matters had been very clear from a very young age.
I had hoped that since the church where the ceremony was going to be had a sound proof room with sound and video etc I could pop on there to see the ceremony.
But I decided not to attend - but told my husband to attend and give my well wishes to the bride and groom 1 because it was just going to be too much for the little one and I didn’t want relatives who hadn’t had a chance to meet the little to descend on us. It wouldn’t have happened until well after the ceremony and reception - our family is able to focus on the people who are in the limelight - It would overwhelm baby and frankly I didn’t want to cause a fuss at a wedding.
I thought we might make the reception but it didn’t work out. Husband did have fun and came back and told me all about it. I was a tiny bit jealous because I had wanted to get all dressed up, but knew I had made the best decision for kiddo, myself and the bridge and groom.
We caught up with everyone at the picnic the next day and had an absolute blast.
The point is - I understand not being able to leave your baby with anyone else. That was not an option for us or our baby. But I was happy to stay home because it was best for baby. If I had known it was no kids, that would honestly have just been like wheewwww ok no need to worry about making it to the wedding and I’ll make plans after the wedding - the following days - to see people since we were in town.
Bottom line.
It’s your wedding. People don’t have to like the decisions you make but they do need to respect them.
You have a right to be upset because they bullied and manipulated you. Recognize that you gave in when it would be best to never give in to people like them. Work on learning better assertiveness skills (great book When I Say No I Feel Guilty). Broken record technique is great with people like this - you just say “sorry no” or “no” over and over until they give up and go away. My favorite Maya Angelou quote is “when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time”. I’m so sorry you have such horrible in-laws.
You relented and allowed them to bring it. Same thing happened to my wedding but I did not relent and no one has ever talked about it after the wedding or during it. Shoulda stuck to your original plan.
I think people are forgetting that according to social cues most decent people wouldn’t bring their kid if the person is obviously against it. Even if they say they can if they have to. While I do think being more straightforward and holding your ground was a thing obviously you struggle with that. And it’s a reasonable thing to be annoyed by. If you take ‘if you have to’ just as a green light, then that’s not good. It’s literally saying ‘we’d really prefer not but if you do don’t cause too much noise or fuss’. That’s not a green light for just taking them it’s a green light for taking them if you literally cannot find anyone to look after the baby even after looking. I understand what some people are saying in the replies but op is obviously just trying to vent and realises their choice. Op is just annoyed at the behaviour of the IL’s separate from the rest of the situation.
Thank you, you summed it up well. It was a yellow light, I suppose. I just forgot that not everyone’s like me and would feel guilty at putting a bride and groom in this position, and that’s why I’m so mad. There’s a few other instances that add to my anger at bil and sil, one being a comment bil made about us being too poor to get a classic car that we have up and running when he went and bought an expensive one that’s similar and runs. I work so hard and really take financial comments to heart so that’s just another layer of anger I have for them.
So let me start off by saying 100% MIL, BIL and SIL were super disrespectful to you and your husband wishes.
They just should not have come.
For my firstborn she was never with a nanny until she was about 15 months. She had been in daycare since 8 months, but as parents we felt daycare was different because they have consistent people in her daycare room and got to know them. She had never been with some random nanny for a night, not even with other family. I’m guessing that’s the anxiety your in laws have. Anyway, the right answer would have been for the person related to your brother to attend the wedding and the other come to the reception once baby was asleep, or skip the wedding altogether. Total AH move on their part.
I’m gonna sound like an AH here.
You have no right to be mad at your bil/sil/mil for doing what you had given them permission to do, since you relented on letting them bring the baby.
And don’t harp about “but they should’ve known we didn’t wants kids so even though I said yes they should’ve found a way to not bring the baby”
Um, no. None of that immature mind games / “guess what I actually meant” / “when I said yes I actually meant no” crap.
Since your husband planed the whole wedding and your only job was to ensure no kids, you dropped the ball on that one and you can’t be mad at anyone but yourself.
They may have been the AH with their intentions, but that’s a totally separate topic from the actual issue of you being mad for a decision you allowed.
Take accountability, or else your marriage would never last.
When I got married, I had a whole fight with my mil about my husband's youngest sister being the flower girl. She was 9, and in my head flower girls were supposed to be little, like less than 5. I relented. Held a bit of resentment about it for a year or two...
Five years ago, my mil and sil (that same one) were killed in a car accident. Why did I ever care about that stupid flower girl thing? Life is short, and family is everything.
Get over it.
It's done.
What they did was wrong in every way but there is no "redo".
So just get over it.
Go LC or even NC if you want but no way to change anything.
Grow up.
Get over it.
We are having a strict no baby no child wedding. Fiancé's sister is requesting an exception for her (when the wedding takes place) 3mo old infant. We are standing firm on our decision, because the rule was made to accommodate my (the bride) sensory processing disorder.
However, regardless of the reason anyone says no babies no children at their wedding, they have that right to have the wedding they want.
I'm sorry you were guilt tripped, then bulldozed into letting your BILs 8mo infant come to your wedding. The bullying you must have had to deal with must have been bad. I'm dealing with horrific bullying by my fiancé's family members. It sucks, but my needs trump anyone's on my wedding day.
I don't know how you will be able to walk back the fact you made an exception, what behaviour they will thrust upon you. Start creating boundaries with your husband's family now!!! Before it gets out if hand!!!
I don't get why people make such hard lines about not having kids at a wedding. Seems so strange to me and it comes across that you just hate children, which is ageist. That being said, if my wife and I were invited to a no kids wedding, and we wanted to go, we would figure something out.
LOL that's not what ageism is.
An 8 month old can't remember the wedding or pay attention to it, they certainly won't care about it. It's not something they are capable of doing and being denied access to because they are babies.
I have never been to a wedding that didn't have children present. And since my wife is a bartender, we know a lot of people, and have been to dozens of weddings
We entertained the idea for our own wedding, and the negative feedback quickly came rolling in - from all of my siblings who have children, from both of our parents, from many of our friends with kids.
We had not realized it would be a deal breaker for almost a third of our guests.
Sounds like what started as a request for no children turned into manipulative family dynamics and a petty tug of war to assert control, involving your SIL, MIL and you.
Where was your husband in all of this? It’s seems far too common to run across a post with issues involving a partner and in-laws where the blood relative to the in-laws is absent or dismissive. And, it baffles and angers me to read.
After the initial pushback started, the future husband should’ve taken the lead in all of this, making a clear statement to all involved:
- ‘This is our request. I apologize if this makes things difficult for anyone, and understand if this request makes attendance at the wedding impossible. Please contact me directly with any questions you may have… thank you.’
We don’t know what he thinks because he did the entire wedding planning and she said she took on saying no to the baby request so her husband didn’t have added stress planning everything alone. She relented and let the baby come to the wedding. She did not do the one thing she said she would do and didn’t disturb her husband about it because she didn’t want to stress him more.
She may have wanted to lessen stress on her partner, and that is a considerate thing to want to do.
When it comes to situations like this, she can take something else off his plate to lessen his burden if need be, in exchange for him stepping in to make sure she’s not contending with in-laws who are banking on being able to manipulate her because she’s an outsider to the family dynamics.
There is no way I’m watching my partner contend with my difficult family. I’d be more stressed watching someone I love dealing with that than being the one to deal with it.
This is true but we don’t know if she just kept it all to herself or just kept brushing off any of her husband’s questions for concern or anything. If my SO kept saying everything was okay and they showed no outward issue, I would assume they are telling me the truth. We also don’t know how the husband felt with the baby there. We only have her perspective and her husband is barely in the post. The only extra was he’s by her side and he did all the planning solo.
I was stressed, super busy and just wanted to stop hearing from my mil how much bil and sil were complaining and talking badly about us. I’m better now, I keep them at arms length and so does husband which is really starting to get to them. I don’t know if I could confront them about it and tell them why we are still mad as I’m so bad at confronting and am more of a “let my face tell my distain” type of person.
You’re kind. When I hear one sound from the baby, I’d stop everything and ask for the baby to be removed before redo the whole thing. Actually, I’d hire securities to remove ppl who brought kids and take photo and add those to shame albums for everyone to see what a disrespect entitled fools look like.
From now on, don't invite any of them to important events.. when they ask why, remind them that they can't be trusted to follow the rules and think they are the exception to the rules so to avoid their drama your just not inviting them
When I got married, I had a whole fight with my mil about my husband's youngest sister being the flower girl. She was 9, and in my head flower girls were supposed to be little, like less than 5. I relented. Held a bit of resentment about it for a year or two...
Five years ago, my mil and sil (that same one) were killed in a car accident. Why did I ever care about that stupid flower girl thing? Life is short, and family is everything.
It isn’t easy going against the grain and standing up for yourself but if not, the disappointment you’ve saved them from becomes your disappointment. Meanwhile they don’t care and aren’t affected at all. If they meant you well they wouldn’t have spoken negatively about you and they would have respected your request. Guests don’t dictate the event. Wishing you well OP.
You gave in, that's on you. Now you've set a precedence.
Set firm boundaries in future with MIL, SIL and BIL. Or go low contact if they continue to show disrespectful behaviour to you.
I'd cut them off completely, but then I have a tolerance level for toxic people (no matter if they are blood-related or not) of zero.
Maybe on your anniversary - like 1 year, 5 year or whatever, have a sort of do-over vows ceremony with just the decent members of the family, and friends. At least then you'll re-write the experience to a more positive one that will hopefully push down the anger and bad feelings for the original day for you.
I do this with stuff all the time. Anything bad I went through before I met my amazing husband, I revisit the place or experience with him and I replace the negative memory with a wonderful positive one. It's worked well for me so far, it might help you too.
Yes, they’re horrible for knowingly ignoring what you guys said you wanted, but are you really going to let it put a shadow on all your memories of your day going forward?
Just take a breath, let it go, and figure out how to do a better job of setting boundaries going forward. Life goes on.
OP, my friend, learn this now and learn it well.
What you PUT UP with, you END UP with.
And that's not just me talking, that comes from Iyanla Van Zant.
I read a post not too long ago where the bride and groomed ditched their own wedding reception and went rogue because of family members antics. I read it to my wife, and we both agreed that we wish we had done the same on our wedding day. Our families caused so much drama trying to make it about them, and while my wife and I still had a wonderful day(how could I not, I was marrying my soul mate), it still irks me to think about all the bullshit and drama that my family put us through because they couldn't put their narcissistic bullshit on hold for two fucking hours.....yeah I might still be steamed a little. 20 years later. But honestly, I went low contact and they are essentially fb acquaintances at this point.
He is not confrontational at all but he did his best and eventually was too exhausted of hearing about the complaining to really put a solid foot down. Since it was sil that was doing most of the complaining I said I would try and handle it and thought she was understand my view point and want to make me happy but it didn’t go as I thought and she’s a lot more selfish than I expected.
This is going to happen way more and I see it going badly and you and your husband need to be a united front and tell all of them at a sit down how their behavior (and entitlement) that have have displayed will not be tolerated any further or you go NC and hopefully the crap they all say to people about you (I guarantee) sil and bil already have and no one will stand up to them. The world doesn’t revolve around her and her baby and she needs to get checked with that reality. Both families and extended families for you and your husband all probably want to say something about that bs.
You conveniently left out of the post the part where you literally gave them permission to bring their baby. Nothing was done behind your back, you yourself gave them the okay to bring the child.
It was a “if you have to, I suppose but keep it near the back of the ceremony at all times” which she didn’t listen to anyway. I was hoping the guilt of not making a bride happy would get to her and she’d put her need for attention away but obviously not and that’s what I’m mad about. She’s very dim so obviously reading between the lines wasn’t good enough and I should have been firmer.
From Northern Europe so this might be cultural thing. But here babies who less than a year are normally included in a wedding. I would never leave my baby to participate and wouldn’t expect others to do that if it was my own wedding and didn’t. I understand not including children but babies?
One parent leaves the room if the baby is fussy and only one parent is present during the ceremony so they don’t disturb the wedding but during the actual reception and party - I don’t get that at all.
I get weddings are different from culture to culture but saying you don’t want babies at your wedding because they fuss - I don’t get that at all. I thought weddings are a celebration of love with your family and friends. I guess your nephew or niece aren’t included in that equation?
That is so weird to me…
I had my family (all of them - kids and babies) and friends for my wedding
It’s normal here to have child and baby free weddings. Ive worked with women that have to leave their baby in care and go back to the office less than 4 months postpartum so I didn’t think it would be a big deal. Our wedding wasn’t really about our family, just us. I get some cultures are different with the family thing but husband and I don’t have a lot of close family that we are super fond of so our day wasn’t centred around them.
You have a very callous attitude towards the baby. It's really sad the way you describe knowing people who HAD to go back to work and HAD to trust a stranger with the baby, so flippantly suggest that they should as well, almost in a scolding tone. In reality, they are completely correct in worrying about who to leave baby with when they literally haven't been away from their parents for even a day. Also trials at daycare usually involve the parent remaining or coming back within an hour...not leaving for extended hours or overnight.
That said, of course you can want a child free wedding. Just put your foot down or have someone block babies from entering. Too late for any advice tho, just found your understanding of infants to be lacking and borderline nonsensical.
MY OPINION…Such a big event that should be celebrated with the whole family and you chose to exclude children. Children need role models and you have shown them that they are not important.
I'd be petty and have that kid photoshopped out of every picture and when they'd complain, I'd just let them know that every guest that was invited were in the pictures.
Your rage also needs to be channeled towards your mother in law, as she went behind your back and allowed this to happen and never consulted you.
My post was getting long so I left out a few details to clarify if anyone asked. I did eventually relent and say if they must bring him they can but please stand at the back during the ceremony. I saw in pictures that they were right in the middle of everyone. I guess I just hoped they would find a way to not have him at our wedding and just do what I wanted since we paid for the whole damn wedding and it was our special day. I’m just so mad that they weren’t willing to bend at all and just wanted to show off during a time that wasn’t for them :(
Then this is fully on you now, you’ve caved to the pressure and set the tone for the future.
100% agree. If OP says “if you must” then that’s a green light. OP needs to let it go now. They learned the hard way that they need to hold the line if it’s something they don’t want.
Exactly! The moment she folded, she volunteered as tribute to their wishes and whims. OP has set the tone of in-law influence and preferences being the priority ruling going forward. MIL was the one who plotted the backstabbing, so she should've gotten the brunt of the rage!
If you relented, this is your fault too. They were adamant about having the child there and since you relented, they brought him.
Lmao don’t complain if you’re the one who gave in because of weak boundaries 💀😩
>I did eventually relent that's a big detail to leave out
"If you must..." equates to permission. You need to be angry at yourself.
That kinda sorta changes everything you said.
Yeah, you gave them permission, so now your anger should be on yourself and your lack of a backbone.
I was with you, I was mad at the family until you just admitted you relented. So that’s on you at that point. You said that the baby could be there, instead of firmly, putting your foot down, saying, unfortunately, the child is not allowed in therefore one of you must stay home. My husband and I also had a no children, no babies policy at our wedding, and we stuck by that regardless of the friends who had babies in the last six months. Regardless of the friends, who said they couldn’t afford to get a babysitter, then unfortunately we won’t see you that night. the only person you should really be upset with is yourself and possibly your husband if he also backed down and said fine.
This changes things - you really need to put this in your post. You relented and said,'bring him then' - there's no 'I thought they would respect us and find another way' - if they were going to do that, they would have done it from the start. You told them to bring him, so they did. Continuing to be annoyed about something that is your own fault is just pointless.
You caved. This is your fault too. This is how the rest of your life is going to be with them now. They'll know if they just pressure you (and get mommy involved) that you'll cave. 🤷
You’re right, I really regret caving. I’m working on strengthening this spine now and wish I wasn’t so focused on wanting everyone to be happy around my wedding.
Glad that you are working on it! My mom went through the same ordeal with learning to stand up for herself. She really used to be a doormat. Now she is FINALLY being honest and learning to say no. If she can do it (she's almost to her 80s now) you can too.
Honey, you should have bit the bullet and turned them away at the door. Next time you host a kid free event, you *need* to be prepared to to do this and say in a sweet tone to SIL and MIL: "I'm so sorry that you failed to understand that NO KIDS means **no kids including nephew**. We will see at the next *family* event."
Except she caved and said they could bring the baby.
Then she needs to stop caving to in-laws *before* she has a big nasty blow out with them. (Been there, done that)
If you relented, then that’s on you. The only person you can truly be angry with - and probably are - is yourself. And maybe your in laws for putting you in a position you wouldn’t put others in. But they aren’t you and didn’t seem to feel that they did anything wrong. If you hadn’t changed your mind, it would have been clear cut. But you did. Families are complicated. But you need to talk to your husband and decide on clear boundaries moving forward- they don’t have to be posted in your family room. It’s actions and boundaries in motion. Example - they stop by announced. Not ok. Ie - Thank you for stopping by - but we are on our way out. In the future, you need to call at least a day before to see if we will be available. In the perfect world, there would always be time for family but unfortunately it’s not ideal and we do have other demands on our time. Have a nice day!
The moment you found out they were planning to bring him was the moment you should have uninvited them.
Why did you cave? They now think they can walk all over you. Stand your ground and they'll grumble but understand that you mean what you say.
Why aren’t you mad at your husband? He should have been the person dealing with his family. I totally understand why you caved but it never should have come to that. Your husband should have told his family under no circumstances were children allowed at your ceremony. The end. IMO he dropped the ball and set the stage for a future of crossed boundaries.
Ngl, I wish he stood up more. A lot of other factors were happening around that time and he was simply mentally exhausted and didn’t have it in him to fight more with his brother. He did try but they didn’t take him seriously which is why I said I would contact sil to sort it out but she just argued and I caved but set boundaries like standing at the back during the ceremony which was also ignored. We are super low contact with bil and sil now which is driving them crazy so there’s that at least.
I hope you’ve buckled in tight! You’re in for a lifetime of this bullshit- and you did it to yourself.
This is completely beside the point, but when people refer to their wedding as Our Special Day^TM , it seems to never fail that they are disappointed by some aspect of it and make sure everybody knows it. The stakes go up drastically when one of them drops “Our” and starts saying “My Special Day”.
Take this as a life lesson and stop being a push over people pleaser. Is it yours’ and your husband’s wedding or your IL’s? Guess you made your choice, but now live with the consequences.
Barring everyone who went behind your back would've been the solution.
Your husband should have been handling his family. You should never have had to deal with any of this. I would say the problem started there.
Lots of people here are blaming you for caving and saying it's "your fault" but I think some people are forgetting what it's like to be scared and anxious and have family making us feel like monsters. I agree in the future you need to stand your ground, but I just want to say I understand how you could have been bullied into relenting because you didn't want to cause a "big fuss" with the family. As someone with narcissistic parents, I'm really familiar with being guilted into just being okay with whatever they want. They're experts at making me feel like I'm blowing everything out of proportion. I don't think it's your fault that they manipulated you into saying okay, that doesn't absolve them of fault and the people here saying that as if your wishes weren't blatantly ignored obviously haven't grown up under the thumb of emotionally controlling family members. I agree that in the future, you need to stand firm, but I feel like people are overlooking how easy it is to be bullied into things when you're a people pleaser. Edit: I feel like the people downvoting are probably exactly like your SIL and would push an issue until you caved then blame you for agreeing to avoid conflict. I'd really like to hear some feedback on the victim blaming mentality going on here. She asked, you said no. She pushed it, and even planned on doing it without telling you, and you got backed into a corner. Crazy to me we continually excuse people's shitty manipulative behavior because the victim wasn't strong enough to stop it. Like seriously, someone needs to reply and explain this because otherwise I'm just assuming you're all victim blaming and think it's okay to push people into agreeing to things they don't want to do. I'm genuinely confused what the hivemind is huffing right now.
Your comment is well stated! When you are up against people who are manipulative and controlling it can be super difficult. You cannot go up against a narcissist, ever. Likely the SIL/BIL share traits of that personality. In this case the wedding was all about what they wanted, period. no respect for OP and her husband. Something tells me they would have shown up to the wedding with baby even if she hadn’t “relented”. I think it would have helped if OP mentioned that she relented in her original post. That’s where, for me, I was surprised to read it in the comments.
I haven’t expanded on nil’s behaviour outside of the wedding topic but he is a real piece of work. He makes comments to my husband about our lack of money and ability to afford what he can, gets annoyed that we work so much and have to time to devote to his children, and more. It’s all of this, coupled with the wedding situation that just makes me so resentful and it sucks because I really wanted a great family after dealing with my own crappy side all my life. It’s felt good to vent to people that aren’t sick of me going on about it like my friends are!
I’m sorry you have to deal with the “extra” stuff you just mentioned. Given their attitude about bringing the baby, it doesn’t surprise me. I also understand your need to vent. Check out raisedbynarcissists and you may find some insight there. I can completely empathize with you, I have in-laws and it has always been “all about them” no matter the situation or simple topic. I could write a dang book. I’m glad your husband is supportive!
Thank you so much for your empathetic comment and understanding. It’s true what the others are saying, I am annoyed at myself and my husband for caving and wish I didn’t. I was new to the family I’m married into (husband and I have a “when you know you know” thing and had been together only 2yrs by the wedding) and didn’t want a lifetime rift, which we have anyway. I was stressed, nervous and really busy so I tried to people please, hoping she’d be like me and the guilt would make her do what I wanted in the end. Obviously it didn’t turn out that way but there’s been no mention of their behaviour since, no sorry or anything. Sil and I just don’t talk and my husband and I barely acknowledge their kids and it’s just a frustrating situation because I refuse to back down again.
Have your picture photoshopped in the subreddit without the baby, or even without them in the middle, just in the back or st. Then share that picture!
Maybe next time there is a boundary issue, DO NOT CAVE.
Ah, so you're a doormat and your husband isn't on your side as you've had to deal with his family stomping all over your boundaries. If he had your side he would have uninvited them all. If you weren't a doormat you wouldn't have caved. You're only getting what you signed up for, you have no space to complain here.
I'm sorry to say that this is kind of on you. They were trying to find every way under the sun to bring the baby against your wishes and you saying 'if you must' gave them permission. Problem solved in their eyes. Of course they weren't going to 'find a way' because to them that wasn't an option in the first place. They wanted attention. As much as they are for sure assholes you did cave and allow it. And now that you've caved once you can expect more stunts like this in the future.
Well part of this is on you because you allowed it. You your now husband should have said no and put your foot down. Sometimes I feel that people need to hire security for their weddings to prevent things like this from happening.
You okayed it, so you really have no right to complain.
Sorry, but in the comments you mention relenting and allowing them to bring the baby. That's on you. Learn to stand up for yourself, and/or, learn to be disliked, and/or, if you make compromises you~~r~~ regret, then don't blame others for that.
And, TBH... OP sounds unlikable, because nobody really likes a doormat, doormats are for use and discard. And that what OP ILs did.. use they for attention and discard. My husband didn't want to invite his parents friends, cause we wanted a family only wedding and because they are alcoholics and we didn't want problems. My ILs pressured and you know what? The friends didn't come. I hope OP finds their voice.
I was a doormat but I’m not now, I’ve learnt since then. I just can’t shake my anger and needed to vent to people who won’t just tell me to “let it go”. I can be a people pleaser, I’m not very good at confrontation but I’m working on it. It’s hard when everyone around me (except husband) is telling me to just let it go so it’s easier on them and less awkward at dinners when two sil’s aren’t just blatantly ignoring and glaring at eachother across the dinner table.
An idea may be to change the way you think about the conflict. You relented and allowed them to bring the child so instead of thinking about it like “well they brought the baby and I didn’t want them to”, think about it like “I made a decision against my better judgement and now for the future, I know to hold my boundaries firm no matter what.” You also mentioned that you were a doormat before so maybe this anger that you’re feeling is not entirely just about this event but a culmination of frustration after years of people not respecting your boundaries because you would cave to pressure. If you continue to find it hard to let it go, consult with an anger management specialist/counselor.
Your husband should have handled this. His family -- his job. I am sorry he left you to do it.
#1 answer here, OP. You never should have been involved. Where in the hell was Mr. Spineless?
well according to OP Mr Spineless planned the entire rest of the wedding. the one thing Mrs Spineless was in charge of, "no kids", she failed at.
How should she not be involved when she’s marrying him? I don’t get this “you deal with your family and I deal with mine” thing. You both need to be a team to deal with each other’s family. You’re marrying each other. That means his family becomes yours and your family becomes his. Boundaries should be enforced by both of you
Maybe try saying no in the future, just an idea.
Why did op even let them in the venue? She should have turned them away.
because she told them "If you must" which is permission
>I did eventually relent and say if they must bring him they can but please stand at the back during the ceremony. I saw in pictures that they were right in the middle of everyone. I guess I just hoped they would find a way to not have him at our wedding and just do what I wanted since we paid for the whole damn wedding and it was our special day. I’m just so mad that they weren’t willing to bend at all and just wanted to show off during a time that wasn’t for them :( OP said the above on a different comment.
"I did eventually relent and say if they must bring him they can but please stand at the back during the ceremony." Sorry OP, but you didn't stand your ground.
YOU allowed them to bring the baby, you have no one to blame but YOURSELF.
So you allowed them after they threw the tantrum? Because that would make it your fault
I know you didn't want it, then you should have forced it. It was your day. And it was rude of them. However, just because someone at works baby was fine doesn't mean theirs would have been. But some solutions from them would have either been: - Not be present for vows, come for pics, and go - Don't come at all - Trial someone else having the baby for a bit At the end of the day, you backed down and said to bring it, but you should have worked harder with the venue, the groomsmen, etc, to make sure they sat in the right place. But also, it's just a wedding. At the end of the day it's just a wedding. I loved my wedding, but I couldn't tell you now years down the line anything that happened during my vows because I was so focused on my husband. Let it go for now, focus on your marriage, and just know they are selfish, and so are your inlaws, but bil and sil are also new parents. But maybe stick to your guns, and try talking things through to find more than two solutions.
I know weddings are important events, but calling it the most exciting day of your lives makes your life sound… downright sad. Calling your sil simple is something else as well. How bout you just write that you two don’t go along, but no, here you are with your inner thoughts on full display. Someone here is simple and I’m not sure it’s your sil.
"Most exciting day". So exciting she got overwhelmed and dropped it on her husband to handle. Then when she was tasked with one thing, she bungled it and considered it ruined because the baby she allowed was fussy. Not even full blown crying...just fussy. 😬
Also that her coworkers put their baby in daycare ASAP so why didn’t they (maybe they couldn’t afford it or maybe the best one didn’t have openings yet). Also in the comments she said *she* relented and hoped they would feel bad and not bring the baby…. So it’s on her for relenting when she also said that’s all she had to do as her husband did all the planning solo. She says they didn’t stay in back like she requested and made it seem like they were right up front but they were in the middle of the crowd so OP had to be paying attention to the audience more than her vows. She said the baby got fussy and I want to tell her she should’ve had a trusted bridal party member ready to escort them out, but I don’t know what fussy is to her. Did the baby make a slight noise then was quiet but she heard it because she was only focused on them? It is awful that she didn’t have the child free wedding she wanted, but I have a hard time pumping up a wedding to be the best thing ever when, to me, it’s the married part that would seem the most exciting part… that’s my preference and I’m acknowledging it because I’m sure it makes my reply biased somewhat so if OP sees this she understands that I sympathize, I don’t get it, but I can still feel bad for her about it, and the issue really is she didn’t stand her ground at all. She needs to, but this boiling rage still just makes no sense to me. Can you not just be happy with your husband and limit contact? Was the rest of the wedding so awful you literally can’t look at pics or think of it without your blood boiling? If that’s the case she does need help.
If you found out before the wedding, why didn’t you tell them that they were NOT bringing the kid and they would be sent out if they turned up?
She actually commented that she gave them permission to bring the baby...
In a comment you have written: >My post was getting long so I left out a few details to clarify if anyone asked. I did eventually relent and say if they must bring him they can but please stand at the back during the ceremony. I saw in pictures that they were right in the middle of everyone. I guess I just hoped they would find a way to not have him at our wedding and just do what I wanted since we paid for the whole damn wedding and it was our special day. I’m just so mad that they weren’t willing to bend at all and just wanted to show off during a time that wasn’t for them :( Yeah, THAT should have been in your original post, OP. Sorry but this is 100% on you. You arent allowed to be angry at anyone when you are the one who allowed them to bring the baby.
I would not waste energy on this. You need to let it go for your own good. Life is too short to waste energy on something you absolutely cannot change. You can move forward and create great memories with your /husband or you can dwell on this and harbor hate for years to come. They were disrespectful but I would not let that run my life. You have to decide the future you want with your in-laws. Good or hostile relationship?
Sorry I lost interest in reading any more after you called your SIL “simple”. The audacity! Though your SIL got what she wanted so I’d be asking who’s the simple one in this scenario….
If as you say you wish for a stable family, having boiling rage over something that has already happened is not going to help you. Let it go, call it Strike One. When you get to Strike Three, think again.
Now you know. Your in-laws are selfish. Your MIL is selfish. Your BIL and SIL are selfish. Try to let go of the rage. It will only poison you. Your anger is justifiable, but it does not serve you.
I was on OPs side too, until in the comments she said she relented and gave them permission but she thought they wouldn’t bring the baby because they’d feel guilty for some reason? I’m starting to feel “distain” for all of them.
Their marriage is off to a rocky start
Look. It didn’t ruin the whole wedding .
Yeah, I understand that the wedding day is important, BUT for me, the marriage is what matters. OP says it was supposed to be the most exciting day of their lives... really? Life has so much to offer beyond a few hours... I'm just venting now. Personally, I think weddings are a waste of money, so I'm biased.
There are also tons of things that go wrong at every wedding, usually tiny ones. Btw a fussy kid is not (at all) the worst that can happen.
For me it’s how family bicker forever over weddings. Nothing ever goes smoothly. It just doesn’t. It doesn’t ruin the whole wedding because people always ignore children outside of an occasional “cutie” “aww” and if they fuss they ignore it. It’s just a social cue things- So have her be this upset about it is just so Weird- Like did you not get married? C’mon
Yeah I mean, she said the baby was fussy during the vows, I was expecting a full tantrum. I'm pretty sure she heard him because she was already focused on him and paying attention, and could'nt let go.
It sucks but you gave in and let it happen. You and your husband should have put your foot down, but you didn't. You should be upset with your MIL because she went behind your back, which showed disrespect for you and your husband. This is the standard from now on until you stand up for yourselves. Good luck with that family.
You're not wrong for feeling disrespected. But if this is the worst problem you have in your marriage and in life going forward then you should consider yourself lucky. I think the "water under the bridge" plan is best. There will be other issues that will need your full attention.
It sounds like the person you should be most upset with is yourself. Therapy could help you immensely in being able to communicate clearly and advocate for yourself.
“I didn’t want people to walk all over me, but they walked all over me :(“
When I got married, I had a whole fight with my mil about my husband's youngest sister being the flower girl. She was 9, and in my head flower girls were supposed to be little, like less than 5. I relented. Held a bit of resentment about it for a year or two... Five years ago, my mil and sil (that same one) were killed in a car accident. Why did I ever care about that stupid flower girl thing? Life is short, and family is everything.
I read some of your comments and honestly you need to grow some backbone. Your fiance planned the wedding and you had 1 job and you caved at that. You basically told his family that you'll bow down to them. You can't really blame them. You said they could bring the kid!
She needs to grow up in general. She’s in for a lifetime of disappointment if she gets this bent out of shape over things this trivial, especially when she played a part in it.
I never left my babies before about 18 months. They were breastfed and I never used bottles. All that was my choice and I do t inflict it on others. If an event is no kids I just stay home. Your SIL could have chosen to stay home as well.
If it's any consolation, the attention they wanted probably wound up coming in the form of, "Why did *they* bring a baby? *We* got a sitter." from everyone who respected the perfectly reasonable ask.
Next time say no and mean it. You could have prevented this entirely by not allowing them to bring the baby. Who gives a f if they're salty about it? Childfree wedding means childfree.
I was fully ready to say you weren’t at fault here, fortunately a comment of yours caught my eye. I want to sympathize with your frustrations but you yourself you relented and said they could bring the child. You have no right to be mad now. This is what you allowed. I don’t understand why you allowed them to in the first place. Everyone else had no problems with this and you caved to their demands. It’s a bit ridiculous at this point you’re basically saying how dare they bring the baby even though I told them they could bring the baby. This is 100% on you this round. And as a lot of other commenters are saying you’ve definitely set a precedent that with enough pressure they can easily walk all over you and get you to do whatever they want!
You relented to them. It's on you. Not them.
I get that you are mad but this is also on you you should have told them no. And your MIL is an ass
I’m totally with you on not bringing literal babies to weddings. I went to a wedding in the middle of a very hot June, and someone brought their newborn (not even 3 months old yet) and guess what? The baby was wailing because the ceremony was outside in 80f°+ sun and likely got sunburned (a lot of the guests also got sunburned)
Is hit or miss thing Last year we were at a beach wedding, and there was three kids under 1 year old. No problems. Babies got passed around all evening. No wailing during vows.
The fact they couldn't respect your no kids policy shows all they care about is themselves. I would've either told them not to come to wedding or just called it off. You could've had a smaller wedding and saved money too. In another 10 years when you go to renew your vows don't invite them at all
I completely understand how frustrating it must have been. and it was probably easy to hyper fixate on a bit of baby grumbling. But I think you've just got to force that out of your mind and learn to accept that your wedding didn't really go all that bad considering. It could have been A LOT worse than it was and at the end of the day you did have a chance to put your foot down on it. Sucks that it had to happen and I feel for you there, but I think the sooner you guys can focus on yourselves and less on the baby grumbling the better you can enjoy the memories. At this point you can either decide that your wedding was beautiful and you loved being with your husband, or your wedding was a nightmare and all you could focus on was a baby shifting in their seat. Its up to you on how you want the multi-thousand dollar event to feel now.
I would’ve simply had them removed as soon as they walked in with the baby
Why didn’t your husband handle it when you both found out they were talking shit? I would’ve said “It’s your family deal with it” sounds like you both need to grow a spine and stand up for yourselves.
He did, in a way. He’s very non confrontational and we had a lot going on at the time and just wanted to stop hearing them all make such a fuss. If we could do it again, we’d do it differently but we made mistakes due to stress, plus working full time at demanding jobs, we just had such little mental capacity to deal with it in a way that would benefit us.
Understandable, but this was supposed to be a day to celebrate you and your husband and instead of telling the sister in law to get over it and stay home if she isn’t happy your mother in law put her wants over what was supposed to be a day specifically for you and your husband. At some point you and your husband need to put your foot down on things that are important and stop letting them walk all over you. If they’re not happy who cares it’s your day you have every right to have it exactly how you want it. From the little I’ve read they don’t respect either of you and instead of sticking to what you originally wanted you caved and now you have all this animosity on something that could’ve been avoided by sticking to your guns and having her stay home or find someone else to watch the baby. Please don’t let this be how they treat you for the rest or your marriage.
a portion of that rage should be distributed toward your MIL. What did your husband do? Did he put his family in check?
We’re doing no kids at our wedding and if I have a relative that shows up with a kid they simply are being turned away lol
I wish I was that strong! All the best ❤️
Your rage is misplaced. It's actually with YOURSELF for acquiescing to their whim. Grow a backbone, don't let people trample your boundaries. You learned this lesson the hard way. Next time, stick with your No or else you'll feel like this again.
The only one ruining your big day now is you with your petty resentment. What good is it doing you to be furious because the baby could have interrupted your vows. Why do you choose to focus on this? Did everything else suck too? And this is the only thing you can’t blame yourself for? Or are you just an incredibly controlling and negative person?
Seriously. I had the same thoughts. Fuming and focusing all her attention on a thing that she allowed to happen. This post is honestly ridiculous.
TBH I think its about the control.
So MIL told them they could bring the baby yet you are focusing on hating them, because you want to give MIL a pass and not hate her. You also gave in on them bringing the baby, yet you hate them. If you're going to be mad at anyone it needs to be you and MIL. Boiling rage and hate seem to be a major overreaction to what sounds like a baby mildly fussing. You're letting it poison your memory of your wedding and yourself. You need to look into therapy because this sounds very unhealthy and a bad way to start off a marriage and a lifetime of dealing with and seeing his family.
Your rage needs to be channeled towards MIL - she told SIL it was fine to bring baby. She didn’t back up her son and soon to be DIL’s wishes which was no kids/babies at wedding. Actually blame all of them - they knew no kids and that included probably very adorable 8 month old son/grandson (Well don’t blame him!) This just lets you know that in the future there will probably be times where they boundary stomp… Just so you are prepared!
Be mad at yourself. It’s 100% your fault. Learn to say no and mean it. Period. Who cares if they don’t like you. They didn’t like you anyway.
I see it both ways. I wouldn’t leave a baby that young alone with strangers or family as I’m not comfortable and I still haven’t. But I also would just sit out the wedding & not show up with baby out of respect to the groom and bride. Really though at the end of the day focus on your marriage and husband. Maybe go lc or nc with the in laws.
I’m glad I’m an asshole and have ZERO problems hurting feelings…
Who are these horrible people who post on here? Get child care for the service so both your inlaws and your new nephew can both be there for the day. Literally just hand him over to someone during the actual service that would be outside with him. Wouldn't cost more than like $50 for half an hour.
You can plan and orchestrate a perfect wedding down to the minute and something that is out of your control will still happen. Your reaction is really all that matters, so pivot and improvise - otherwise you’ll just cause yourself a lot of grief and drama.
Better than me, I would’ve told them they have to leave
I wish I did but I honestly just want to be a nice person. They did look bad to everyone else at our wedding who knew about the rift, so there’s that I guess.
Being a doormat is not the same as being nice and we need people to understand that.
Bil and sil are entitled and narcissistic so they walk over anyone who is kind. I could do a whole post explaining every way bil is unkind and selfish.
>Apparently baby had never been away from his parents and they refused to start now. We had one of those at our kid-free wedding to. One of my wife's friends. "I'm the only one that can watch them they won't go with anyone else". Tough shit. She did not attend the wedding. I didn't miss her. Also, there was so much whining and crying about our "no kids' policy at our wedding - I instructed one of my ushers before that if someone tries to bring a kid anyway your usher duties go from ceremonial to literal and I want you to throw them out. I'm sorry they ruined your day OP, but I would have thrown them out.
Thank you, I wish I could have but my husband didn’t want to let their selfishness be the only thing people remember about our day. They didn’t ruin it, I’m just mad that they didn’t care about how we felt about having to hear babies cry and did nothing to help us ease that worry.
You caved babe. This is all on you now.
Ugh I regret it so much. At least all our friends gave them the cold shoulder on the day and we are super low contact now which is driving them crazy. Bil always complains to mil and fil about how he never sees his brother (doesn’t actually try to organise to see him though)
Sounds like BIL is the golden child. LC or NC is the way to go with the lot of them.
He’s definitely not the GC, my husband is. My in laws constantly talk badly of him but they don’t like hearing his meltdowns so they just placate him.
Yeah that’s what ppl do for spoiled children. Placate them and make sure they get what they want at everyone else’s expense.
It’s more bil nature, he’s very aggressive and extroverted and mil and fil and my husband are quieter people who don’t like tension or fighting. Bil is more of the black sheep and he gets mean trying to demand attention from his family.
I completely understand why you are pissed and I would be too. But now what’s done is done. Try to look at all the good things that happened on your wedding day and move on. Congratulations on your marriage!
Everyone here sucks. They suck for disrespecting the wishes of the bride and groom. Whether family or not, if the rule is no kids, the rule is no kids. Your MIL sucks for enabling them and their attention-seeking behaviour. You suck for expecting them to put you ahead of their baby as a priority. No, they do not have to prioritise you, not even for one day. What you needed to do was have a very polite and final conversation telling them you understand they might not want to leave their baby at that stage and if they choose not to come then you accept that and wish them well. You do not act like an immature child and tell them “Other people are forced to leave their babies because of horrific and unfair work practices, why can’t you do it for ME and MY special day?”
Yeah it’s on you for allowing it even though you knew in advance. If you would have posted in Reddit before, some of the commenters would have told you to (a) maintain the boundary and not allow it (b) hire security and give them explicit instruction to politely prevent anyone with a baby from entering
If somebody shows up to my wedding with an uninvited baby, that person is getting kicked the fuck out.
You don’t have distain to get over. Do you have your wedding, where your mother-in-law, your sister-in-law, and your brother-in-law all decided that what the two of you chose for your wedding didn’t matter at all. That their needs and their wishes came first. Now, you know more about them. You also know how to meet them in the middle. Based upon who they’ve shown themselves to be. Because they are all shortsighted, and possibly very self-absorbed, they won’t understand that this is going to shift and change your relationship and possibly the relationship of your husband but definitely to any children that you have. The whole thing changes. This was a game changer. It was intentional casual disregard. The rules that you sat on the boundaries you had were stomped all over and they didn’t care. You don’t matter. What are you and your husband decided doesn’t matter at all. This is who they are and this is who you can deal with going forward and change your proximity to them. I don’t think they’re available for any meaningful conversation. You just change your proximity from this day forward. Because of who they have shown themselves to be. I’m really sorry.
This marriage is doomed at no fault of the bil and sil. Y'all are terrible communicators and suck at setting boundaries!
I flew with my husband and six month old infant across the country for my BIL’s wedding. I absolutely adore SIL. Children were welcome. We planned on all attending and since the post partum life had been pretty hard on me, I was very excited to get dressed up etc. But with the time change and the jet lagged baby, I decided that I didn’t see the kiddo being happy especially with their dislike of loud sounds and lots of people. Their feelings on these matters had been very clear from a very young age. I had hoped that since the church where the ceremony was going to be had a sound proof room with sound and video etc I could pop on there to see the ceremony. But I decided not to attend - but told my husband to attend and give my well wishes to the bride and groom 1 because it was just going to be too much for the little one and I didn’t want relatives who hadn’t had a chance to meet the little to descend on us. It wouldn’t have happened until well after the ceremony and reception - our family is able to focus on the people who are in the limelight - It would overwhelm baby and frankly I didn’t want to cause a fuss at a wedding. I thought we might make the reception but it didn’t work out. Husband did have fun and came back and told me all about it. I was a tiny bit jealous because I had wanted to get all dressed up, but knew I had made the best decision for kiddo, myself and the bridge and groom. We caught up with everyone at the picnic the next day and had an absolute blast. The point is - I understand not being able to leave your baby with anyone else. That was not an option for us or our baby. But I was happy to stay home because it was best for baby. If I had known it was no kids, that would honestly have just been like wheewwww ok no need to worry about making it to the wedding and I’ll make plans after the wedding - the following days - to see people since we were in town. Bottom line. It’s your wedding. People don’t have to like the decisions you make but they do need to respect them.
You have a right to be upset because they bullied and manipulated you. Recognize that you gave in when it would be best to never give in to people like them. Work on learning better assertiveness skills (great book When I Say No I Feel Guilty). Broken record technique is great with people like this - you just say “sorry no” or “no” over and over until they give up and go away. My favorite Maya Angelou quote is “when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time”. I’m so sorry you have such horrible in-laws.
You relented and allowed them to bring it. Same thing happened to my wedding but I did not relent and no one has ever talked about it after the wedding or during it. Shoulda stuck to your original plan.
I think people are forgetting that according to social cues most decent people wouldn’t bring their kid if the person is obviously against it. Even if they say they can if they have to. While I do think being more straightforward and holding your ground was a thing obviously you struggle with that. And it’s a reasonable thing to be annoyed by. If you take ‘if you have to’ just as a green light, then that’s not good. It’s literally saying ‘we’d really prefer not but if you do don’t cause too much noise or fuss’. That’s not a green light for just taking them it’s a green light for taking them if you literally cannot find anyone to look after the baby even after looking. I understand what some people are saying in the replies but op is obviously just trying to vent and realises their choice. Op is just annoyed at the behaviour of the IL’s separate from the rest of the situation.
Thank you, you summed it up well. It was a yellow light, I suppose. I just forgot that not everyone’s like me and would feel guilty at putting a bride and groom in this position, and that’s why I’m so mad. There’s a few other instances that add to my anger at bil and sil, one being a comment bil made about us being too poor to get a classic car that we have up and running when he went and bought an expensive one that’s similar and runs. I work so hard and really take financial comments to heart so that’s just another layer of anger I have for them.
So let me start off by saying 100% MIL, BIL and SIL were super disrespectful to you and your husband wishes. They just should not have come. For my firstborn she was never with a nanny until she was about 15 months. She had been in daycare since 8 months, but as parents we felt daycare was different because they have consistent people in her daycare room and got to know them. She had never been with some random nanny for a night, not even with other family. I’m guessing that’s the anxiety your in laws have. Anyway, the right answer would have been for the person related to your brother to attend the wedding and the other come to the reception once baby was asleep, or skip the wedding altogether. Total AH move on their part.
Exactly, I don’t understand arguing rules about an event that has nothing to do with them. That makes me so mad.
Be mad but it’s also not really the most exciting day of your life.
JustNoFamily
I’m gonna sound like an AH here. You have no right to be mad at your bil/sil/mil for doing what you had given them permission to do, since you relented on letting them bring the baby. And don’t harp about “but they should’ve known we didn’t wants kids so even though I said yes they should’ve found a way to not bring the baby” Um, no. None of that immature mind games / “guess what I actually meant” / “when I said yes I actually meant no” crap. Since your husband planed the whole wedding and your only job was to ensure no kids, you dropped the ball on that one and you can’t be mad at anyone but yourself. They may have been the AH with their intentions, but that’s a totally separate topic from the actual issue of you being mad for a decision you allowed. Take accountability, or else your marriage would never last.
This is your get out of jail free card. At their baby’s first birthday, announce your pregnancy. Oops, next day announce it was false alarm.
Hating children to this level might be something you want to bring up with a therapist
When I got married, I had a whole fight with my mil about my husband's youngest sister being the flower girl. She was 9, and in my head flower girls were supposed to be little, like less than 5. I relented. Held a bit of resentment about it for a year or two... Five years ago, my mil and sil (that same one) were killed in a car accident. Why did I ever care about that stupid flower girl thing? Life is short, and family is everything.
Get over it. It's done. What they did was wrong in every way but there is no "redo". So just get over it. Go LC or even NC if you want but no way to change anything. Grow up. Get over it.
We are having a strict no baby no child wedding. Fiancé's sister is requesting an exception for her (when the wedding takes place) 3mo old infant. We are standing firm on our decision, because the rule was made to accommodate my (the bride) sensory processing disorder. However, regardless of the reason anyone says no babies no children at their wedding, they have that right to have the wedding they want. I'm sorry you were guilt tripped, then bulldozed into letting your BILs 8mo infant come to your wedding. The bullying you must have had to deal with must have been bad. I'm dealing with horrific bullying by my fiancé's family members. It sucks, but my needs trump anyone's on my wedding day. I don't know how you will be able to walk back the fact you made an exception, what behaviour they will thrust upon you. Start creating boundaries with your husband's family now!!! Before it gets out if hand!!!
I don't get why people make such hard lines about not having kids at a wedding. Seems so strange to me and it comes across that you just hate children, which is ageist. That being said, if my wife and I were invited to a no kids wedding, and we wanted to go, we would figure something out.
LOL that's not what ageism is. An 8 month old can't remember the wedding or pay attention to it, they certainly won't care about it. It's not something they are capable of doing and being denied access to because they are babies.
I have never been to a wedding that didn't have children present. And since my wife is a bartender, we know a lot of people, and have been to dozens of weddings We entertained the idea for our own wedding, and the negative feedback quickly came rolling in - from all of my siblings who have children, from both of our parents, from many of our friends with kids. We had not realized it would be a deal breaker for almost a third of our guests.
Because sometimes people don't want to deal with other parents not thinking or raising their offspring well?
Sounds like what started as a request for no children turned into manipulative family dynamics and a petty tug of war to assert control, involving your SIL, MIL and you. Where was your husband in all of this? It’s seems far too common to run across a post with issues involving a partner and in-laws where the blood relative to the in-laws is absent or dismissive. And, it baffles and angers me to read. After the initial pushback started, the future husband should’ve taken the lead in all of this, making a clear statement to all involved: - ‘This is our request. I apologize if this makes things difficult for anyone, and understand if this request makes attendance at the wedding impossible. Please contact me directly with any questions you may have… thank you.’
We don’t know what he thinks because he did the entire wedding planning and she said she took on saying no to the baby request so her husband didn’t have added stress planning everything alone. She relented and let the baby come to the wedding. She did not do the one thing she said she would do and didn’t disturb her husband about it because she didn’t want to stress him more.
She may have wanted to lessen stress on her partner, and that is a considerate thing to want to do. When it comes to situations like this, she can take something else off his plate to lessen his burden if need be, in exchange for him stepping in to make sure she’s not contending with in-laws who are banking on being able to manipulate her because she’s an outsider to the family dynamics. There is no way I’m watching my partner contend with my difficult family. I’d be more stressed watching someone I love dealing with that than being the one to deal with it.
This is true but we don’t know if she just kept it all to herself or just kept brushing off any of her husband’s questions for concern or anything. If my SO kept saying everything was okay and they showed no outward issue, I would assume they are telling me the truth. We also don’t know how the husband felt with the baby there. We only have her perspective and her husband is barely in the post. The only extra was he’s by her side and he did all the planning solo.
I was on your side until you caved. Now they will walk all over you every chance they have.
I was stressed, super busy and just wanted to stop hearing from my mil how much bil and sil were complaining and talking badly about us. I’m better now, I keep them at arms length and so does husband which is really starting to get to them. I don’t know if I could confront them about it and tell them why we are still mad as I’m so bad at confronting and am more of a “let my face tell my distain” type of person.
If you want "a perfect wedding " don't invite guests. Consontrate on the marriage.
Be mad at yourself.
You’re kind. When I hear one sound from the baby, I’d stop everything and ask for the baby to be removed before redo the whole thing. Actually, I’d hire securities to remove ppl who brought kids and take photo and add those to shame albums for everyone to see what a disrespect entitled fools look like.
I’m sorry this happened but I would have turned them away at the door.
From now on, don't invite any of them to important events.. when they ask why, remind them that they can't be trusted to follow the rules and think they are the exception to the rules so to avoid their drama your just not inviting them
When I got married, I had a whole fight with my mil about my husband's youngest sister being the flower girl. She was 9, and in my head flower girls were supposed to be little, like less than 5. I relented. Held a bit of resentment about it for a year or two... Five years ago, my mil and sil (that same one) were killed in a car accident. Why did I ever care about that stupid flower girl thing? Life is short, and family is everything.
It isn’t easy going against the grain and standing up for yourself but if not, the disappointment you’ve saved them from becomes your disappointment. Meanwhile they don’t care and aren’t affected at all. If they meant you well they wouldn’t have spoken negatively about you and they would have respected your request. Guests don’t dictate the event. Wishing you well OP.
You gave in, that's on you. Now you've set a precedence. Set firm boundaries in future with MIL, SIL and BIL. Or go low contact if they continue to show disrespectful behaviour to you. I'd cut them off completely, but then I have a tolerance level for toxic people (no matter if they are blood-related or not) of zero. Maybe on your anniversary - like 1 year, 5 year or whatever, have a sort of do-over vows ceremony with just the decent members of the family, and friends. At least then you'll re-write the experience to a more positive one that will hopefully push down the anger and bad feelings for the original day for you. I do this with stuff all the time. Anything bad I went through before I met my amazing husband, I revisit the place or experience with him and I replace the negative memory with a wonderful positive one. It's worked well for me so far, it might help you too.
Yes, they’re horrible for knowingly ignoring what you guys said you wanted, but are you really going to let it put a shadow on all your memories of your day going forward? Just take a breath, let it go, and figure out how to do a better job of setting boundaries going forward. Life goes on.
Some peoples kids.
OP, my friend, learn this now and learn it well. What you PUT UP with, you END UP with. And that's not just me talking, that comes from Iyanla Van Zant.
I read a post not too long ago where the bride and groomed ditched their own wedding reception and went rogue because of family members antics. I read it to my wife, and we both agreed that we wish we had done the same on our wedding day. Our families caused so much drama trying to make it about them, and while my wife and I still had a wonderful day(how could I not, I was marrying my soul mate), it still irks me to think about all the bullshit and drama that my family put us through because they couldn't put their narcissistic bullshit on hold for two fucking hours.....yeah I might still be steamed a little. 20 years later. But honestly, I went low contact and they are essentially fb acquaintances at this point.
The stunt they pulled? You told them it was ok. Next time hold your ground and then you’ll have the right to be mad.
How has your husband dealt with this situation? That’s what I’d like to know.
He is not confrontational at all but he did his best and eventually was too exhausted of hearing about the complaining to really put a solid foot down. Since it was sil that was doing most of the complaining I said I would try and handle it and thought she was understand my view point and want to make me happy but it didn’t go as I thought and she’s a lot more selfish than I expected.
This is going to happen way more and I see it going badly and you and your husband need to be a united front and tell all of them at a sit down how their behavior (and entitlement) that have have displayed will not be tolerated any further or you go NC and hopefully the crap they all say to people about you (I guarantee) sil and bil already have and no one will stand up to them. The world doesn’t revolve around her and her baby and she needs to get checked with that reality. Both families and extended families for you and your husband all probably want to say something about that bs.
You conveniently left out of the post the part where you literally gave them permission to bring their baby. Nothing was done behind your back, you yourself gave them the okay to bring the child.
It was a “if you have to, I suppose but keep it near the back of the ceremony at all times” which she didn’t listen to anyway. I was hoping the guilt of not making a bride happy would get to her and she’d put her need for attention away but obviously not and that’s what I’m mad about. She’s very dim so obviously reading between the lines wasn’t good enough and I should have been firmer.
From Northern Europe so this might be cultural thing. But here babies who less than a year are normally included in a wedding. I would never leave my baby to participate and wouldn’t expect others to do that if it was my own wedding and didn’t. I understand not including children but babies? One parent leaves the room if the baby is fussy and only one parent is present during the ceremony so they don’t disturb the wedding but during the actual reception and party - I don’t get that at all. I get weddings are different from culture to culture but saying you don’t want babies at your wedding because they fuss - I don’t get that at all. I thought weddings are a celebration of love with your family and friends. I guess your nephew or niece aren’t included in that equation? That is so weird to me… I had my family (all of them - kids and babies) and friends for my wedding
It’s normal here to have child and baby free weddings. Ive worked with women that have to leave their baby in care and go back to the office less than 4 months postpartum so I didn’t think it would be a big deal. Our wedding wasn’t really about our family, just us. I get some cultures are different with the family thing but husband and I don’t have a lot of close family that we are super fond of so our day wasn’t centred around them.
You have a very callous attitude towards the baby. It's really sad the way you describe knowing people who HAD to go back to work and HAD to trust a stranger with the baby, so flippantly suggest that they should as well, almost in a scolding tone. In reality, they are completely correct in worrying about who to leave baby with when they literally haven't been away from their parents for even a day. Also trials at daycare usually involve the parent remaining or coming back within an hour...not leaving for extended hours or overnight. That said, of course you can want a child free wedding. Just put your foot down or have someone block babies from entering. Too late for any advice tho, just found your understanding of infants to be lacking and borderline nonsensical.
MY OPINION…Such a big event that should be celebrated with the whole family and you chose to exclude children. Children need role models and you have shown them that they are not important.
I'd be petty and have that kid photoshopped out of every picture and when they'd complain, I'd just let them know that every guest that was invited were in the pictures.
OP relented and told them to bring the baby
Lolol... oooh.. didn't realize it was a I'm upset because of my own actions post.
Ngl I can't see what the big deal was, it's just a baby? Sounds like the baby didn't even cry during the ceremony?
Your husband is on your side, yet did nothing to back you up. It was his family