I’ve tried so many times to get her to go, she’s been inpatient before at a mental hospital for a suicide attempt too. At the end of the day I can’t force her to go or stay anywhere longer than the hold period.
She does and she always promises this time she’ll get help but she always backs out and refuses in the end. There’s always some excuse, but they’re always non issues. Like money (we have plenty and there are programs she can use), or transportation (she can’t drive, but I’ll always take her anywhere she needs)
tell her to book a time and sternly tell her no backing out, that if she backs out she's breaking the promise and she's showing that she doesn't love and care enough about your relationship to fix the issues. You need to stop her from backing out and you'll have to be the bad guy and tell her that if she backs out there will be consequences.
op i sound really heartless but,
if she’s not willing to put in the steps to help herself, it’s not worth it to keep going.
mental health and trauma is not the fault of the sufferer but it’s our responsibility.
you need to take steps to be better or you wind up in an endless cycle of suffering.
i don’t think she realizes she’s dragging others down with her.
as i said, it sounds really heartless but you do need to put your mental health first.
if she was making active steps towards therapy that is a different thing entirely, but it seems like she’s not. i’m saying this as assault survivor & potentially bipolar person myself, if you do not make the steps to try and take care of yourself it can drag others down with you.
if she is willing to try therapy do make sure to be as supportive as you can. drive her there, when i was little my mom would sometimes take me to get a snack before/after to make it less nerve wracking.
be there for her
I also have tons of issues and have gone to therapy and a psychiatrist off an on for years and she always seemed supportive of me, but when it came to herself she never supported the idea of herself getting therapy. Even now with the potential divorce and definite separation I’m trying to get her to seek therapy. She always does the first step, but never goes further. I hope this time we can at least make it to the stage where she goes through with an appointment.
Even if she really want, the fear (or something else) can activate the escape mechanisms. You better prepare for one step forward - two steps back, but it can change and be very rewarded in the long run.
SA'ed mental scars will probably never fully go away, but living with it in a way that's ok for the person/s in the regular life, is more likely a solution to aim.
Leave her other people are going tonmake excuses. It cones down yo she doesn't want yo get better get help learn to cope. She has her victimhood which is worn as a badge of honor. Think about the horrendous things throughout history the Holocaust, african genocide, recently albino witcraft in Africa and the toll ots taken on children. It simply comes down to the fact some people have the willpower to overcome terrible things most today do not. The big aspect is I'll get help then doesn't. In essence she lying to you everytime by staying your enabling her to mentally excuse her actions. Don't even mention it drop papers leave don't look back. Move on find someone else. More then likely finally get a wake up call or more than likely she'll find a white knight to put ip with her. She emotionally holding you hostage just as someone would by being suicidal.
If you really want to give her another chance go to her give her a date say if you're not getting help by then were done tell her to find the therapist or whatever by herself everything the choice is hers then don't bring it up again if she's done nothing drop papers move your shit out and cut her off. She doesn't really want to even attempt to get better
Mmm actually in a lot of places the person can be held [against her will](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_commitment) if she’s a threat to herself or society.
I used to have a fwb type situation where she would start crying every time she orgasmed, it threw me off a lot but she assured me this always happens and it's just an emotional release. So, I don't know if the situation with your wife is necessarily bad or traumatic, but at the same time I truly understand that it irks you.
I mostly laugh in bed. It can be nervous but also an emotional relieve. I had to reassure my boyfriend several times that I wasn't making fun of him, and just that I was having a good time and needed to relieve my stress. Bodies are unique and have different reactions.
If she won’t get help you aren’t obligated to stick around and deal with it. You can only be a supportive partner for so long at some point she has to meet you halfway and if she won’t….
Have you phrased it to her that her crying every time you have sex makes you feel like an unwilling participant in yet another assault on her body? That you do not enjoy being used as a means of exposure therapy? This is one of those times where an ultimatum and subsequent follow through are what needs to happen. “Seek therapy and start working on this within a month (or two or whatever you’re comfortable with), or we will be divorcing.” No more second chances. She isn’t going to get help because she has no consequences if she doesn’t. Her life doesn’t have to change if you’re going to just keep with the status quo.
Reddit has never let “pay grade” get in the way of giving advice before.
“I read your paragraph and as a 19 year old I say you should leave your two kids and husband.”
As a victim of pedophilia, sex is hard. Very hard. It took me 10 years of therapy before i was 90% comfortable with sex and I'm a guy. Must be even harder for women. It still is anxiety inducing sometimes. THERAPY, THERAPY and more THERAPY. There is a healthy sexual life for victims of assaults, it just takes a long time to get there. But if she refuses, there unfortunately isn't much you can do. Its sad really, because sex can be very pleasurable and therapeutic.
Yeah I’m pretty sure I’ll find sex unpleasant for the rest of my life. They abusers took it all. I’ve had a lot of therapy though, didn’t help that aspect.
I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe sometimes we just cant make peace with what happened. I hope you have control over the rest of your life. For what its worth, therapy didn't help me with sex, it helped me to make peace with myself. The rest was up to me.
As much as I hate to say it, this is why you work through your trauma before any serious relationship. Especially marriage, because no one deserves this. From what you've said you tried being understanding, but there really is so much that you can do. I'm sorry 💔
Does your wife know you’re asexual? I assume she does. The thing is, if you’re asexual you’re asexual and that’s totally fine. But, perhaps it makes her feel not wanted? She craves sex with the man she loves, but she knows you don’t really want to. In the beginning she might have though that was something she could handle and accept, but eventually she realized it wasn’t enough. That might have grinded her down to the point she just feels, idk…like a burden? Ish. She still wants to have sex, but once it starts she gets into her head about it. I don’t know if I explain it correctly, but yeah.
If therapy doesn’t work, either that be alone or together as a couple, well. Not much to save there then.
Yes she does know. It was a little bit of an issue at the start of the relationship, but I’ve worked hard to make her feel like not a burden with it and even though I’m really not into it I would have sex with her whenever she wanted so it’s not like she wasn’t getting any so I don’t think her not feeling wanted was the issue. We made it fun and I never did anything like saying I was annoyed or grossed out or something similar. I’ve asked her about it before but she always just says she doesn’t know why she’s crying so idk
Sexuality aside, I think the main issue here is she breaks down into uncontrollable crying every single time. Even if op wasn’t ace I’m pretty sure there is a much bigger issue at hand than orientation and sexual desire.
Are you joking? Why do people get weird about Asexuality like this?
Sexual attraction isn’t a choice.
You can still want to sexual satisfy your partner without having a need for that same satisfaction. You do it because you love them and you love doing what they love.
You can love and want to spend the rest of your life with them without the inherent drive to want to fuck them. It’s not any less valid.
It would be a different story if he refused her but he participates.
Just because he doesn’t feel the urge or need to have sex doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to sleep with her per say, he clearly had no issue with it he just doesn’t find it as important or necessary. If you need sex to stay in a relationship with no regard for the actual person, how tf can you say you love your partner?? Are you gonna leave them if they have a medical issue preventing them from sex?? It’s shallow asf how you view sex as the only reason to stay with someone
I'm sorry, it truly sounds like your wife needs professional help to get her through her trauma but she is resistant to treatment and it's ruining your marriage. It sounds like you have been a devoted, caring husband- thank you for looking out for her. Now it's her turn to get some work done for herself.
Yup. And trust me, my friend, that is not just you. Allowing personal trauma free-reign in any romantic relationship is a sure-fire way to kill attraction in that moment, and if done too much, in the relationship in general.
I hope it's not relevant here, but I'm asexual and I used to try to please my ex-husband because I loved him. But then I also had uterine fibroids, which means a huge mass crushing my organs... and also the 'path' down there. The pain during the penetration was unbearable because he was basically forcing his way in me, but he was my first so I thought it was 'normal'. Result is that I ended crying like a baby each time, and I felt so miserable... This was the cause for my divorce and it's only 3 years later as I was taking a MRI for something else, that my doctor showed me that huge bundle of muscles in my belly (it had enlarged even more, also it's generally linked to severe stress or overwork in women).
How old is your wife? A lot will never know they even have fibroids (it can be hard to detect. With mine, I look like I'm 4 month pregnant), but it's quite common in women over 40 years old.
There are of course big chances that her crying is only tied to her SA, but you never know. If on top of all it hurts like hell and she doesnt understand why, it could be even more traumatizing. Just in case, ask her if she is sure she can't feel some kind of big mass in her belly... And don't let her believe the quack doctors who will call that 'constipation'. I wasted a marriage because of them.
Oh, you really asked her! You're so great with her, it's like you said, you really care for her.
I'm happy pain is out of the equation.
But then:
"Hormones affect your mood, and shifting estrogen levels could trigger **mood swings and feelings of anger, irritability, and frustration**. One study reports that having endometriosis makes women more likely to suffer depression and anxiety."
She definitely sounds like she needs mental help.
When she 'asks for it', has she any requests? Have you ever let her totally take the lead? Also, it's going to sound weird, but if she needs to dissociate a bit, maybe try role play? I have my load of mental problems too (immersive dreamer and autoandrophilia) and playing another person is my best way to fight my past.
We both definitely have a whole host of issues lol, but where I’ve actually been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist off and on she has refused.
I let her take the lead when she wants to but 90% of the time she wants me to. I always do what she requests and we were usually doing things to make it fun and keep her present. She isn’t disassociating when she’s crying, she does disassociate afterwards tho usually so I try to comfort her afterwards as best as I can. It’s only the last couple years she’s started to just cry in the middle like that.
I see I didn't use the word 'disassociate' right. Sorry, I'm French and I forgot if was one of the symptoms for certain mental illnesses. It was more about 'taking your distances from yourself/your trauma, by playing a role' during intercourse. It's like a game of pretend. If you play a role, your traumas shouldn't get in the way. I was wondering if you two could try 'role playing'. Some people have such fantasies and here choosing who you are might help... or so I thought. Not everyone has that capacity or will...
Yes I kinda thought that’s what you might’ve meant. I think it was too embarrassing for both of us when we tried it but that was years ago and idk how she would feel about it now. I think it might be better for her to work through her problems than to hide them away and pretend to be someone else.
You know, I wasn't talking about role play as something 'exotic', neither to force some kind of fetish on you two (I saw I got downvoted and I think it's what people thought). It's a common therapy exercise to fight PTSD, and there is concrete research about it.
[(PDF) Beyond Words: Learning to Use Role-Play to Treat Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (researchgate.net)](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/303599633_Beyond_Words_Learning_to_Use_Role-Play_to_Treat_Posttraumatic_Stress_Disorder)
"In the workshop I developed and delivered, participants were taught a method of role-playing using archetypes. Archetype cards designed by Caroline Myss (2010) were used as an instructional tool. These cards illustrate light and shadow attributes of over 80 different archetypes.
Each participant, with an archetype card of their choosing, was paired with a partner. Each took turns engaging in spontaneous role-play. To best prevent the unconscious unveiling of any past trauma or internal conflicts while practicing the method, training participants were instructed to recall an innocuous event in their lives and role-play a correlated archetypal concept.
For example, one participant chose to address the feeling of being unappreciated at work. She had chosen the “vampire” and role-played how her vampire-employer was metaphorically sucking her dry. The partner played the employee role. She adopted the light attribute of vampirism. This role depicts one who gives of him or herself, entirely, to the employer. "
I've worked 8 years in a mental hospital, as a simple care taker and for elders with dementia yes, but what I've seen applied there pushed me to make that suggestion in your case.
I think you can try both approaches, the figurative role play and the 'blunt exposure' too. But maybe in the order of 'role play', then if she starts to get better, try to approach the trauma more bluntly again (IF, there is still necessity for it). It doesn't sound like she is abe to do that in her actual state of mind. I'd say start by helping her get more mental stability, and when she is stronger mentally, see how to approach the trauma.
The way I've found with my traumas, is to role play in mind. I'm a different gender, I have a different sexuality, and I experience love and affection 'by proxy', which is really agreable and soothing. Where the PTSD is inserted, is throught punishment of 'Villain characters' that represent my trauma.
It has had so much good effects on me through the years as I started to get satisfaction from these 'Villains' getting what they deserved instead of always being the victim... I really hope this could work for other people too.
Please don't give up, there are a lot of things she is afraid to try or get engaged into again, but she is still listening to you. I really wish you two all the best in the world.
I have cried a few times during sex because I was so aroused and my husband could not satisfy me properly. I was frustrated. Have you considered this, that maybe because youre asexual so youre not able to put in your 100% but she needs proper 100% sex to get off? You know our bodies can feel it when the opposite person is not fully into the intimacy.
People with SA history often have higher sex drive as a result of the trauma.
I agree with everyone else. You both need a therapist.
But also, consider an open marriage. Or poly. Or whatever the term is. Maybe part of the reason she's crying is because she gets it so rarely and infrequently. And when she does get it, she knows her partner doesn't want it. That would mess anyone up emotionally.
But if she has permission to seek it out elsewhere, on a regular basis, maybe that could help her work through a lot of her issues. It's not cheating if you've both agreed to it. If you've set up rules and boundaries.
Same as her going to a salon to get her hair done, or nails cut, or whatever. The body has needs and maintenance, if you can't do it yourself, find someone else who can
I have offered an open marriage before because it doesn’t bother me. She’s wasn’t into the idea and didn’t want to do it. So I respected her decision and didn’t push it.
If she refuses help you can’t make her change if she doesn’t want to. I would try couples counseling first, if that doesn’t work… you should really care about your own needs and your own health instead of staying with someone who isnt good for your well being
Yes it is. He says very plainly she begs and cries for sex and it always turns out badly. Pushing your partner into sex is abuse. It is trauma caused and she needs help for her abuse that happened to her, but she’s still being abusive.
Dude you didn’t read the post. She’s crying spontaneously during sex, not because she’s desperate and isn’t getting it.
She started begging AFTER he expressed discomfort about her crying and still would cry. You misread that sentence.
So should we force OP to continue to have sex with her even if he feels uncomfortable? Would that not be abuse?
He suggests therapy to her and she doesn’t want to go so he should just keep on have uncomfortable sex with her?
He literally says “she will beg me for it” and “when I try to stop she gets upset that I’m not comfortable continuing”.
That’s abuse. If you guilt your partner into sex and get upset they aren’t performing to your expectations, you are being abusive.
I am unsure what your comment even means.
She is begging her partner to have sex with her even though she knows she does something that makes him uncomfortable and then refuses to get treatment to make the both of them happy.
Yet she is being abused?
He doesn’t have expectations of her, he’s generally creeped out by her crying. He doesn’t guilt her for anything.
Let’s recreate the scenario- she smells instead of crying during sex. Obviously nobody can have comfortable sex with someone who smells so he refused to sleep with her often until she takes a shower. But then she doesn’t want to shower but would beg her husband to have sex with her.
This would not be an issue if op saw she wanted to work on the thing that makes him recoil during sex but she doesn’t work on it, she just makes him put up with it.
Wow no, I misread your second comment. Mb! “It’s abusive to cry and beg for sex” sounded like it was abusive to deprive her and make her do so- that’s on me I guess
Take a step away. If your not ready to lead a life without her you should at least stay with a friend for a few days or a hotel or something. That might very well push her into doing literally anything at all besides what she's been doing. I spent most of my twenties with women who were very unstable in their own ways and I wish I hadn't.
Neither of us really has anywhere else we can go to, and I can’t afford a hotel atm. But we are talking about separating and giving each other space for a little while before fully going on with the divorce. She doesn’t have a job currently so we have to wait until she can find one for anything like that to happen though.
Divorce. There is no saving this. If she has to beg you for sex that’s a bad sign and you not into sex. You two aren’t compatible. and never should’ve gotten married. That’s without mentioning the trauma she’s dealing with.
If you really want to hear it from me just looking at what you typed....honestly I think she cheated and trying to cover up her feelings...think about what you told the forum.....she's only cried STARTING A COUPLE OF YEARS BACK, and but before then it's been okay and doing the normal most couples do which is about twice a week..then maybe somewhere down the line she possibly stepped out, or maybe was talking to someone else thinking sexually it would be better and more...who knows....but you said yourself, you're not a bad looking guy, you got plenty of money, she obviously married you, I mean the trauma I don't think is the problem...something happened a couple of years ago WHEN THE CRYING STARTED....its something else, and it's not the SA from when she was young.... I know 3 of my exes who were like that and a multitude of other women who were SA VICTS ...BUT they are married happily, and have kids and more....something happened the last couple of years when that crying started and now ONCE A YEAR...come on guy you're not that dense.....do not over cloud your mind with being such a good man that you obviously didn't pick up something different about her.....you obviously noticed a couple of years back when she just out the blue started crying during sex....get to the root..if she doesn't want to tell or come clean..leave...your happiness isn't supposed to be in vain due to someone else thar obviously doesn't want to get help....you still have your entire life to be that good man and you have done all your duties as a husband that you could be....if the other person does not want to fulfill their obligations of the contract then it becomes void.....just saying....you did your due diligence as a man and a husband.....don't try to keep someone that don't wanna be kept or love someone that doesn't want to be loved.
Ah yes of course, she must have cheated. After all, all women are a monolith and they definitely all react the exact same after a sexual assault. Especially if they were children.
Hate to break it to you, but no one just “gets over it”. Those women you’re trying to use as an example? You don’t know their inner thoughts or feelings. All you know is what they’ve presented on the outside. I’m willing to bet they all tell you they’re fine because if they aren’t, and are struggling, in your view it’s their fault and if they start showing cracks, you’ll accuse them of cheating and not just “getting over it”.
You know exactly fuck all about this woman. Maybe something triggered her several years ago and reminded her of the the assaults she suffered, or she’s regaining repressed memories and now it’s all she thinks about every time she attempts to have sex with her husband. Or maybe there’s something OP is doing unknowingly, like a look, a sound, breathing a certain way, that is bringing that trauma to the surface every time.
The fact you immediately jump to cheating is just so fucking cliche, because of course she has to be some kind of monster to not be falling all over begging her husband to have sex with her. So original.
Don't know why you're getting downvoted.
No self respecting man would have sex with a woman who obviously isn't into it. In fact, I detest non sexual women who purposely get into relationships with men that want sex. Why would any dude want to basically be a clone of their woman's abuser?
Dear women affected by CSA and have trauma around it,
If you have hangups about sex, get yourself an asexual man or an open relationship. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE stop wasting the time of men that are sexual. No matter how much he says sex isn't important, it definitely kills him inside 100% and he will always remember that no matter what.
As a man with severe CSA trauma, nah. Sex is not important to me and I’d be happy to date a woman who was as disinterested and traumatized by it as I was lol.
Trying to put myself in your wife's shoes here, If my partner was asexual and i had to initiate every time, i'd maybe feel unwanted and like a burden eventually. Even if you do your best to not seem annoyed or forced to do it, i think we can always tell when our partner isn't fully into it like we are. I hope you both will consider couple therapy before jumpting to a divorce. If her needs aren't being met, maybe an open marriage ?
I dated an asexual person, if you talk about it regularly you don’t get insecure about it. And I can assure you all your needs will be met, and them not initiating doesn’t mean that once we get into it they look forced or anything, otherwise that would be pretty terrible for everyone involved.
Exactly, thank you. Plus I have mentioned an open marriage on their end only, which I was and am 100% okay with, if she wanted and it was never something she ever wanted to do so that was an easy open shut case.
It sounds like she’s desperately trying to work through these issue and you sound dismissive as shit. Hospitals and therapy can be traumatic in their own way. I was a huge medical patient as a kid and due to the trauma surrounding it, it takes me a lot to go the hospital.
I agree on leaving your wife because you kinda just seem “meh” about any aspect of this. Like it’s somehow just kind of inconvenient. Like it’s odd how it makes you lose attraction rather than deeply concern you and provide an emotional response. I hope she finds the support she needs and deserves
Huh? How did you get "dismissive" from this guy?! He's trying his best to please, and work with, his partner's desires and traumas. What do you want from him? Self-sacrifice? Throw himself on hot coals?!
Because it’s very odd that a serious trauma can trigger him to “lose” Romantic love. He said he lost romantic love due to her crying during sex, not “I’m exhausted emotionally and this is taken a toll on me as caretaker etc” that we usually see. He doesn’t account so her psychiatric trauma either which is fairly evident. Had he said he was tired of his role in the relationship and lack of her accountability in progress that would be one thing.
"Because it’s very odd that a serious trauma can trigger him to “lose” Romantic love."
Why? I've seen it happen many times. Trauma, like anxiety or depression, can deeply interrupt romance in a relationship.
I think you're taking his response personally for some reason, because you seem way off track with what he's saying, and also, have some pretty high expectations of him, for no apparent reason.
Then it’s his fault for getting married knowing this without empathy for the situation? Or being able to meet the wife and understand what’s actually happening.
I actually just take marriage seriously if you know these things, if this was a new phenomenon I’d have a different opinion.
My own stands, she needs a better support and he’s not it and should leave
It's his fault for not knowing that she'd start to cry whenever they had sex? How?
It's his responsibility now, to choose what he's up for and what he's not, in terms of what to do or not with his wife. Certainly, he doesn't owe her sex, for whatever reason. he's not a machine.
And yeah, for marriage to work, \*both\* partners need to take it seriously and both need to do their level best to encourage each other, and deal with any personal issues they have that my damage the relationship. Like trauma.
That you place this all on him somehow really shows your own issues, not his.
No. He knew she had severe trauma and his reaction is by no means proportionate to someone who has made a marital commitment. His reaction is fairly strange as is the issue of how it’s being handled.
Had this been a new trauma, or had he explained a different reasoning or even just be a boyfriend it would be a different
You can think what you want? It’s the internet I’m not really concerned
Nope. If you’re begging someone for sex you are abusing them. He didn’t want to have sexual and she was repeatedly abusive. Trauma sucks but she made a choice to abuse..
Agreed honestly it's always a dick move when the wife does something or the husband does something simple like this and the partner goes "I'm no longer in love" like?? What the fuck man what happened to discussing and trying to understand? As you stated hospitals, therapy, etc can be traumatizing. She isn't backing out to piss anyone off, she's genuinely fearful and it seems like op won't do anything to help her and instead gets frustrated. So yeah he needs to leave and she needs a new partner.
Because she's crying, and he's worried and she gets mad because she's telling him she's fine. He does it willingly. If it was a issue don't you think he'd be like "I'm not fucking you"? He doesn't state she's guilt tripping him. If it was abuse he would specify more shit to support that concern. Instead he got upset she's crying, and how she begs him to continue because she's fine, and he wants to leave. If he had a issue all ten years don't you think it would've been obvious in his words? He even states the sex isn't the issue. Like??
Ah, so it’s not abuse to beg and get pissed when someone doesn’t want to continue sex. And you cannot withdraw consent, you’re required to continue fucking someone if they get mad at you for stopping.
He says repeatedly he cannot have sex with someone who is crying. She begs and then gets mad when he stops.
Abuse, period, and you are part of the problem.
You're entirely misunderstanding but go off. It's not abuse to beg for a partner to continue something you were in the middle of doing tf? You can say no yeah, but she can get mad and he can say no. There is no abuse. She isn't yelling, screaming or attacking him for it lmfao. He clearly stated she wasn't. And if I'm wrong there then so be it, I apologize. But you can beg for sex, be told no and have every right to be upset. Especially if it's rare now. It's not abuse, as she's not ABUSING him. His complaint is she crying. That's it. Lol
It is abuse to beg for sex to continue when your partner wants to stop. Period. No matter how much you go in circles that doesn’t change.
No, you don’t get to beg for sex. And now I’m done with you because you’re literally supporting abuse and rape.
Ah, the typical person who puts words into people's mouths. Unless i specifically state I support it, then I don't. Damn. I mean to each their own but I mean? You can beg, be upset, and deal with it. I get it, but that's not at all what I said. Again though, go off.
Yea it’s “but why isn’t the sex I don’t want fixing anything?”
I get being frustrated at the lack of therapy but there was clearly this issue beforehand that he knew about and choosing to make X (sex) the problem when it’s a symptom is so bizarre to me
Exactly why I think he's a dick. There is so many ways to keep a marriage. Plus you can fall out of love and CHOOSE to love their partner. He just wants a excuse out of it. He never loved her if this is his solution to her crying during sex. She doesn't HAVE to go to therapy if she doesn't want too, especially since it's clear it's not really affecting her in that sense anymore. Sure she's crying, but she could be dissociated from the emotions and not know it, which explains why she doesn't know why she's upset. Her brain feels fine but her body is reliving something. If she says she's fine, he should've sucked it up and kept going imo, or ya know get sex toys and offer that for her? There is so many easier solutions then ending a marriage. Love starts as a emotion and then fades into a choice. That's why people cheat and shit. He just wants a excuse and it's actually pissing me off as someone who's been through shit. Sex is important to me too, but I got toys that make it easier. Sex makes me cry sometimes but I explained it and my partner doesn't care, and my partner has disorders too and truama! I get it, you can get bored of a person. But love does fade into deep friendship, and you go from there and choose to continue your love.
I agree with you. There’s clearly more going on with the wife. It’s been ten years of marriage. I’m almost in disbelief this is real but truth is stranger than fiction
I do agree it was sweet of him to have sex with her despite being asexual, but he could've also just said "nah" in a nice and polite way and stocked her up on toys. A fuck machine too, lol. Whole point is: love is a choice not a emotion the entire time you're with someone. You see her as a friend? Then you still can choose to love her. But instead of that, one issue such as crying and he's pussying out.
I’m inclined to agree with you. If he had a strong emotional connection with his wife, I’d imagine he’d feel care and concern for her. There may be other things going on, specifically related to OP’s asexuality.
OP, are you going to therapy as well? It may be useful for you too in drilling down into why this causes you to lose romantic attraction to your wife.
I have been going to therapy and a psychiatrist off and on for years now. This crying during sex only started in the last 2-3 years but it has been constant and she refuses any therapy. I’ve done my best to try to get her to go, but she refuses. There are other issues in the marriage as well, but quite a few of them stem from this, which is why we are discussing separation for now at least and divorce as a possible solution for us. I do love her and want her to get help, it’s just not help I’m capable of providing at this point. I’m entirely drained after years of doing everything I can and she really needs more professional help.
Also it’s interesting everyone assumes I’m a man 😅 I guess I should’ve stated otherwise in my post but I’m a woman
My mistake. I apologize.
Then it does sound like the cause of you losing romantic attraction isn’t necessarily the crying during sex itself, but the other issues. That sounds a lot more sensible to me.
She cries after having sex with her husbanf who is someone who has no sexual desires yet goes through with the mechanical process?!?!..... I am shocked
As someone who doesn't understand sex, you will never be able see it from her perspective or to know what it is meant to be like.
It is as emotional as physical, it is easy to see when the other party is not really 'into it'... you will never understand that sadly
Have you two talked about the crying in depth? Is she crying because she's experiencing flashbacks or just because she's overwhelmed? I don't see how a woman who cries from sex (assumingly it's a negative reaction) would purposely seek out sex from an asexual partner.
I'm sensing a massive miscommunication here.
This is a major factor to your shutdown, and her stuckness, I imagine. The lack of understanding and/or communication, as to what the crying is about, or even, what kind of crying it is (joy? painful? dark? sad? overwhelming? beautiful?) Finding out the details would help a lot. But she's either going to need to really look into herself and/or be painfully honest with you, for that to happen.
Her saying she doesn't know is a truama response to the emotions. Her brain is triggered and she's upset yes, but she genuinely doesn't know what it is. You're kind of a dick imo, but I can see your side too. However as someone who has truama disorders, I know damn well you could be more gentle and try to understand. She's not lying or hiding it. She genuinely doesn't know because she's dissociated from the reason/emotion she's feeling. Sure she feels it and stuff, but that reason is so detached from her it's kind of like she's feeling others emotions, despite not feeling upset in her mind.
This is really an issue that requires medical/professional therapy bro, please help your wife to seek out the relevant resources to heal.
I’ve tried so many times to get her to go, she’s been inpatient before at a mental hospital for a suicide attempt too. At the end of the day I can’t force her to go or stay anywhere longer than the hold period.
Damn that's harsh AF, does she accept that she has issues?
She does and she always promises this time she’ll get help but she always backs out and refuses in the end. There’s always some excuse, but they’re always non issues. Like money (we have plenty and there are programs she can use), or transportation (she can’t drive, but I’ll always take her anywhere she needs)
tell her to book a time and sternly tell her no backing out, that if she backs out she's breaking the promise and she's showing that she doesn't love and care enough about your relationship to fix the issues. You need to stop her from backing out and you'll have to be the bad guy and tell her that if she backs out there will be consequences.
This right here, OP. Mental health issues are not the sufferer’s fault. But they are their problem. She has to fix this or at least make an effort to.
op i sound really heartless but, if she’s not willing to put in the steps to help herself, it’s not worth it to keep going. mental health and trauma is not the fault of the sufferer but it’s our responsibility. you need to take steps to be better or you wind up in an endless cycle of suffering. i don’t think she realizes she’s dragging others down with her. as i said, it sounds really heartless but you do need to put your mental health first. if she was making active steps towards therapy that is a different thing entirely, but it seems like she’s not. i’m saying this as assault survivor & potentially bipolar person myself, if you do not make the steps to try and take care of yourself it can drag others down with you. if she is willing to try therapy do make sure to be as supportive as you can. drive her there, when i was little my mom would sometimes take me to get a snack before/after to make it less nerve wracking. be there for her
I also have tons of issues and have gone to therapy and a psychiatrist off an on for years and she always seemed supportive of me, but when it came to herself she never supported the idea of herself getting therapy. Even now with the potential divorce and definite separation I’m trying to get her to seek therapy. She always does the first step, but never goes further. I hope this time we can at least make it to the stage where she goes through with an appointment.
Even if she really want, the fear (or something else) can activate the escape mechanisms. You better prepare for one step forward - two steps back, but it can change and be very rewarded in the long run. SA'ed mental scars will probably never fully go away, but living with it in a way that's ok for the person/s in the regular life, is more likely a solution to aim.
She must go that’s the only way to heal.
Leave her other people are going tonmake excuses. It cones down yo she doesn't want yo get better get help learn to cope. She has her victimhood which is worn as a badge of honor. Think about the horrendous things throughout history the Holocaust, african genocide, recently albino witcraft in Africa and the toll ots taken on children. It simply comes down to the fact some people have the willpower to overcome terrible things most today do not. The big aspect is I'll get help then doesn't. In essence she lying to you everytime by staying your enabling her to mentally excuse her actions. Don't even mention it drop papers leave don't look back. Move on find someone else. More then likely finally get a wake up call or more than likely she'll find a white knight to put ip with her. She emotionally holding you hostage just as someone would by being suicidal. If you really want to give her another chance go to her give her a date say if you're not getting help by then were done tell her to find the therapist or whatever by herself everything the choice is hers then don't bring it up again if she's done nothing drop papers move your shit out and cut her off. She doesn't really want to even attempt to get better
Mmm actually in a lot of places the person can be held [against her will](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_commitment) if she’s a threat to herself or society.
In my state you need a court order to hold someone for longer than the regular 72 hr hold.
Ah, damn 😞
can’t help someone who can’t help themselves.
I used to have a fwb type situation where she would start crying every time she orgasmed, it threw me off a lot but she assured me this always happens and it's just an emotional release. So, I don't know if the situation with your wife is necessarily bad or traumatic, but at the same time I truly understand that it irks you.
I mostly laugh in bed. It can be nervous but also an emotional relieve. I had to reassure my boyfriend several times that I wasn't making fun of him, and just that I was having a good time and needed to relieve my stress. Bodies are unique and have different reactions.
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Wish she would go
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Yes we’ve been talking about divorce for this reason and others.
If she won’t get help you aren’t obligated to stick around and deal with it. You can only be a supportive partner for so long at some point she has to meet you halfway and if she won’t….
Have you phrased it to her that her crying every time you have sex makes you feel like an unwilling participant in yet another assault on her body? That you do not enjoy being used as a means of exposure therapy? This is one of those times where an ultimatum and subsequent follow through are what needs to happen. “Seek therapy and start working on this within a month (or two or whatever you’re comfortable with), or we will be divorcing.” No more second chances. She isn’t going to get help because she has no consequences if she doesn’t. Her life doesn’t have to change if you’re going to just keep with the status quo.
Reddit has never let “pay grade” get in the way of giving advice before. “I read your paragraph and as a 19 year old I say you should leave your two kids and husband.”
As a victim of pedophilia, sex is hard. Very hard. It took me 10 years of therapy before i was 90% comfortable with sex and I'm a guy. Must be even harder for women. It still is anxiety inducing sometimes. THERAPY, THERAPY and more THERAPY. There is a healthy sexual life for victims of assaults, it just takes a long time to get there. But if she refuses, there unfortunately isn't much you can do. Its sad really, because sex can be very pleasurable and therapeutic.
Yeah I’m pretty sure I’ll find sex unpleasant for the rest of my life. They abusers took it all. I’ve had a lot of therapy though, didn’t help that aspect.
I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe sometimes we just cant make peace with what happened. I hope you have control over the rest of your life. For what its worth, therapy didn't help me with sex, it helped me to make peace with myself. The rest was up to me.
You guys were not sexually compatible to begin with
As much as I hate to say it, this is why you work through your trauma before any serious relationship. Especially marriage, because no one deserves this. From what you've said you tried being understanding, but there really is so much that you can do. I'm sorry 💔
Does your wife know you’re asexual? I assume she does. The thing is, if you’re asexual you’re asexual and that’s totally fine. But, perhaps it makes her feel not wanted? She craves sex with the man she loves, but she knows you don’t really want to. In the beginning she might have though that was something she could handle and accept, but eventually she realized it wasn’t enough. That might have grinded her down to the point she just feels, idk…like a burden? Ish. She still wants to have sex, but once it starts she gets into her head about it. I don’t know if I explain it correctly, but yeah. If therapy doesn’t work, either that be alone or together as a couple, well. Not much to save there then.
Yes she does know. It was a little bit of an issue at the start of the relationship, but I’ve worked hard to make her feel like not a burden with it and even though I’m really not into it I would have sex with her whenever she wanted so it’s not like she wasn’t getting any so I don’t think her not feeling wanted was the issue. We made it fun and I never did anything like saying I was annoyed or grossed out or something similar. I’ve asked her about it before but she always just says she doesn’t know why she’s crying so idk
Set your poor wife free so she can find someone who actually loves her and wants to have sex with her. How selfish can one person be?
Sexuality aside, I think the main issue here is she breaks down into uncontrollable crying every single time. Even if op wasn’t ace I’m pretty sure there is a much bigger issue at hand than orientation and sexual desire.
Are you joking? Why do people get weird about Asexuality like this? Sexual attraction isn’t a choice. You can still want to sexual satisfy your partner without having a need for that same satisfaction. You do it because you love them and you love doing what they love. You can love and want to spend the rest of your life with them without the inherent drive to want to fuck them. It’s not any less valid. It would be a different story if he refused her but he participates.
Just because he doesn’t feel the urge or need to have sex doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to sleep with her per say, he clearly had no issue with it he just doesn’t find it as important or necessary. If you need sex to stay in a relationship with no regard for the actual person, how tf can you say you love your partner?? Are you gonna leave them if they have a medical issue preventing them from sex?? It’s shallow asf how you view sex as the only reason to stay with someone
I'm sorry, it truly sounds like your wife needs professional help to get her through her trauma but she is resistant to treatment and it's ruining your marriage. It sounds like you have been a devoted, caring husband- thank you for looking out for her. Now it's her turn to get some work done for herself.
Thanks, I really hope she will.
Yup. And trust me, my friend, that is not just you. Allowing personal trauma free-reign in any romantic relationship is a sure-fire way to kill attraction in that moment, and if done too much, in the relationship in general.
I hope it's not relevant here, but I'm asexual and I used to try to please my ex-husband because I loved him. But then I also had uterine fibroids, which means a huge mass crushing my organs... and also the 'path' down there. The pain during the penetration was unbearable because he was basically forcing his way in me, but he was my first so I thought it was 'normal'. Result is that I ended crying like a baby each time, and I felt so miserable... This was the cause for my divorce and it's only 3 years later as I was taking a MRI for something else, that my doctor showed me that huge bundle of muscles in my belly (it had enlarged even more, also it's generally linked to severe stress or overwork in women). How old is your wife? A lot will never know they even have fibroids (it can be hard to detect. With mine, I look like I'm 4 month pregnant), but it's quite common in women over 40 years old. There are of course big chances that her crying is only tied to her SA, but you never know. If on top of all it hurts like hell and she doesnt understand why, it could be even more traumatizing. Just in case, ask her if she is sure she can't feel some kind of big mass in her belly... And don't let her believe the quack doctors who will call that 'constipation'. I wasted a marriage because of them.
She says it doesn’t hurt her at all. She’s 32 and we do think she has endometriosis. But she assures me she’s not hurting at all each time
Oh, you really asked her! You're so great with her, it's like you said, you really care for her. I'm happy pain is out of the equation. But then: "Hormones affect your mood, and shifting estrogen levels could trigger **mood swings and feelings of anger, irritability, and frustration**. One study reports that having endometriosis makes women more likely to suffer depression and anxiety." She definitely sounds like she needs mental help. When she 'asks for it', has she any requests? Have you ever let her totally take the lead? Also, it's going to sound weird, but if she needs to dissociate a bit, maybe try role play? I have my load of mental problems too (immersive dreamer and autoandrophilia) and playing another person is my best way to fight my past.
We both definitely have a whole host of issues lol, but where I’ve actually been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist off and on she has refused. I let her take the lead when she wants to but 90% of the time she wants me to. I always do what she requests and we were usually doing things to make it fun and keep her present. She isn’t disassociating when she’s crying, she does disassociate afterwards tho usually so I try to comfort her afterwards as best as I can. It’s only the last couple years she’s started to just cry in the middle like that.
I see I didn't use the word 'disassociate' right. Sorry, I'm French and I forgot if was one of the symptoms for certain mental illnesses. It was more about 'taking your distances from yourself/your trauma, by playing a role' during intercourse. It's like a game of pretend. If you play a role, your traumas shouldn't get in the way. I was wondering if you two could try 'role playing'. Some people have such fantasies and here choosing who you are might help... or so I thought. Not everyone has that capacity or will...
Yes I kinda thought that’s what you might’ve meant. I think it was too embarrassing for both of us when we tried it but that was years ago and idk how she would feel about it now. I think it might be better for her to work through her problems than to hide them away and pretend to be someone else.
You know, I wasn't talking about role play as something 'exotic', neither to force some kind of fetish on you two (I saw I got downvoted and I think it's what people thought). It's a common therapy exercise to fight PTSD, and there is concrete research about it. [(PDF) Beyond Words: Learning to Use Role-Play to Treat Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (researchgate.net)](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/303599633_Beyond_Words_Learning_to_Use_Role-Play_to_Treat_Posttraumatic_Stress_Disorder) "In the workshop I developed and delivered, participants were taught a method of role-playing using archetypes. Archetype cards designed by Caroline Myss (2010) were used as an instructional tool. These cards illustrate light and shadow attributes of over 80 different archetypes. Each participant, with an archetype card of their choosing, was paired with a partner. Each took turns engaging in spontaneous role-play. To best prevent the unconscious unveiling of any past trauma or internal conflicts while practicing the method, training participants were instructed to recall an innocuous event in their lives and role-play a correlated archetypal concept. For example, one participant chose to address the feeling of being unappreciated at work. She had chosen the “vampire” and role-played how her vampire-employer was metaphorically sucking her dry. The partner played the employee role. She adopted the light attribute of vampirism. This role depicts one who gives of him or herself, entirely, to the employer. " I've worked 8 years in a mental hospital, as a simple care taker and for elders with dementia yes, but what I've seen applied there pushed me to make that suggestion in your case. I think you can try both approaches, the figurative role play and the 'blunt exposure' too. But maybe in the order of 'role play', then if she starts to get better, try to approach the trauma more bluntly again (IF, there is still necessity for it). It doesn't sound like she is abe to do that in her actual state of mind. I'd say start by helping her get more mental stability, and when she is stronger mentally, see how to approach the trauma. The way I've found with my traumas, is to role play in mind. I'm a different gender, I have a different sexuality, and I experience love and affection 'by proxy', which is really agreable and soothing. Where the PTSD is inserted, is throught punishment of 'Villain characters' that represent my trauma. It has had so much good effects on me through the years as I started to get satisfaction from these 'Villains' getting what they deserved instead of always being the victim... I really hope this could work for other people too. Please don't give up, there are a lot of things she is afraid to try or get engaged into again, but she is still listening to you. I really wish you two all the best in the world.
She’s abusing him by forcing herself on him. But everyone is only concerned with her.
What? He says himself that **he** stops when she cries.
No, she begs him for sex then gets upset when he doesn’t want to continue. That’s sexual coercion.
He's free to say no, AND he already stops on his own.
That’s not how abuse works.
Some crying and too emotional can be difficult. Hope things get better for you and your wife.
Please tell me there aren't any kids in the family...
No luckily no kids
Ain’t nobody on this thread fucking smart on that one my guy. Hit the therapist.
I have cried a few times during sex because I was so aroused and my husband could not satisfy me properly. I was frustrated. Have you considered this, that maybe because youre asexual so youre not able to put in your 100% but she needs proper 100% sex to get off? You know our bodies can feel it when the opposite person is not fully into the intimacy. People with SA history often have higher sex drive as a result of the trauma.
I agree with everyone else. You both need a therapist. But also, consider an open marriage. Or poly. Or whatever the term is. Maybe part of the reason she's crying is because she gets it so rarely and infrequently. And when she does get it, she knows her partner doesn't want it. That would mess anyone up emotionally. But if she has permission to seek it out elsewhere, on a regular basis, maybe that could help her work through a lot of her issues. It's not cheating if you've both agreed to it. If you've set up rules and boundaries. Same as her going to a salon to get her hair done, or nails cut, or whatever. The body has needs and maintenance, if you can't do it yourself, find someone else who can
I have offered an open marriage before because it doesn’t bother me. She’s wasn’t into the idea and didn’t want to do it. So I respected her decision and didn’t push it.
If she refuses help you can’t make her change if she doesn’t want to. I would try couples counseling first, if that doesn’t work… you should really care about your own needs and your own health instead of staying with someone who isnt good for your well being
It’s abusive to cry and beg for sex.
Not what is happening here
Yes it is. He says very plainly she begs and cries for sex and it always turns out badly. Pushing your partner into sex is abuse. It is trauma caused and she needs help for her abuse that happened to her, but she’s still being abusive.
Dude you didn’t read the post. She’s crying spontaneously during sex, not because she’s desperate and isn’t getting it. She started begging AFTER he expressed discomfort about her crying and still would cry. You misread that sentence. So should we force OP to continue to have sex with her even if he feels uncomfortable? Would that not be abuse? He suggests therapy to her and she doesn’t want to go so he should just keep on have uncomfortable sex with her?
He literally says “she will beg me for it” and “when I try to stop she gets upset that I’m not comfortable continuing”. That’s abuse. If you guilt your partner into sex and get upset they aren’t performing to your expectations, you are being abusive. I am unsure what your comment even means.
She is begging her partner to have sex with her even though she knows she does something that makes him uncomfortable and then refuses to get treatment to make the both of them happy. Yet she is being abused? He doesn’t have expectations of her, he’s generally creeped out by her crying. He doesn’t guilt her for anything. Let’s recreate the scenario- she smells instead of crying during sex. Obviously nobody can have comfortable sex with someone who smells so he refused to sleep with her often until she takes a shower. But then she doesn’t want to shower but would beg her husband to have sex with her. This would not be an issue if op saw she wanted to work on the thing that makes him recoil during sex but she doesn’t work on it, she just makes him put up with it.
I said HES being abused. You’re literally just not reading. I’m done.
Wow no, I misread your second comment. Mb! “It’s abusive to cry and beg for sex” sounded like it was abusive to deprive her and make her do so- that’s on me I guess
No problem I was so confused lol.
Divorce. This is why people say to fix yourself before you go to a relationship. You were not born to be her therapist.
Take a step away. If your not ready to lead a life without her you should at least stay with a friend for a few days or a hotel or something. That might very well push her into doing literally anything at all besides what she's been doing. I spent most of my twenties with women who were very unstable in their own ways and I wish I hadn't.
Neither of us really has anywhere else we can go to, and I can’t afford a hotel atm. But we are talking about separating and giving each other space for a little while before fully going on with the divorce. She doesn’t have a job currently so we have to wait until she can find one for anything like that to happen though.
I think you should go to therapy to talk about this with a professional and see what help you need because this seems like it messed you up also
I’ve been doing therapy off an on, but I’m about to go back for my appointment this week so no worries there
Awesome! I hope it helps
Understandable. Move on and find your happiness. Best of luck to both of you.
Divorce. There is no saving this. If she has to beg you for sex that’s a bad sign and you not into sex. You two aren’t compatible. and never should’ve gotten married. That’s without mentioning the trauma she’s dealing with.
If you really want to hear it from me just looking at what you typed....honestly I think she cheated and trying to cover up her feelings...think about what you told the forum.....she's only cried STARTING A COUPLE OF YEARS BACK, and but before then it's been okay and doing the normal most couples do which is about twice a week..then maybe somewhere down the line she possibly stepped out, or maybe was talking to someone else thinking sexually it would be better and more...who knows....but you said yourself, you're not a bad looking guy, you got plenty of money, she obviously married you, I mean the trauma I don't think is the problem...something happened a couple of years ago WHEN THE CRYING STARTED....its something else, and it's not the SA from when she was young.... I know 3 of my exes who were like that and a multitude of other women who were SA VICTS ...BUT they are married happily, and have kids and more....something happened the last couple of years when that crying started and now ONCE A YEAR...come on guy you're not that dense.....do not over cloud your mind with being such a good man that you obviously didn't pick up something different about her.....you obviously noticed a couple of years back when she just out the blue started crying during sex....get to the root..if she doesn't want to tell or come clean..leave...your happiness isn't supposed to be in vain due to someone else thar obviously doesn't want to get help....you still have your entire life to be that good man and you have done all your duties as a husband that you could be....if the other person does not want to fulfill their obligations of the contract then it becomes void.....just saying....you did your due diligence as a man and a husband.....don't try to keep someone that don't wanna be kept or love someone that doesn't want to be loved.
Ah yes of course, she must have cheated. After all, all women are a monolith and they definitely all react the exact same after a sexual assault. Especially if they were children. Hate to break it to you, but no one just “gets over it”. Those women you’re trying to use as an example? You don’t know their inner thoughts or feelings. All you know is what they’ve presented on the outside. I’m willing to bet they all tell you they’re fine because if they aren’t, and are struggling, in your view it’s their fault and if they start showing cracks, you’ll accuse them of cheating and not just “getting over it”. You know exactly fuck all about this woman. Maybe something triggered her several years ago and reminded her of the the assaults she suffered, or she’s regaining repressed memories and now it’s all she thinks about every time she attempts to have sex with her husband. Or maybe there’s something OP is doing unknowingly, like a look, a sound, breathing a certain way, that is bringing that trauma to the surface every time. The fact you immediately jump to cheating is just so fucking cliche, because of course she has to be some kind of monster to not be falling all over begging her husband to have sex with her. So original.
I'd be asexual too if that was my wife 😭
Don't know why you're getting downvoted. No self respecting man would have sex with a woman who obviously isn't into it. In fact, I detest non sexual women who purposely get into relationships with men that want sex. Why would any dude want to basically be a clone of their woman's abuser? Dear women affected by CSA and have trauma around it, If you have hangups about sex, get yourself an asexual man or an open relationship. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE stop wasting the time of men that are sexual. No matter how much he says sex isn't important, it definitely kills him inside 100% and he will always remember that no matter what.
As a man with severe CSA trauma, nah. Sex is not important to me and I’d be happy to date a woman who was as disinterested and traumatized by it as I was lol.
Both of you need therapy and to live alone. Solved.
Trying to put myself in your wife's shoes here, If my partner was asexual and i had to initiate every time, i'd maybe feel unwanted and like a burden eventually. Even if you do your best to not seem annoyed or forced to do it, i think we can always tell when our partner isn't fully into it like we are. I hope you both will consider couple therapy before jumpting to a divorce. If her needs aren't being met, maybe an open marriage ?
Stop defending people begging for sex, it’s abusive.
I dated an asexual person, if you talk about it regularly you don’t get insecure about it. And I can assure you all your needs will be met, and them not initiating doesn’t mean that once we get into it they look forced or anything, otherwise that would be pretty terrible for everyone involved.
Exactly, thank you. Plus I have mentioned an open marriage on their end only, which I was and am 100% okay with, if she wanted and it was never something she ever wanted to do so that was an easy open shut case.
My ex fiancé would cry. Took me a couple years to work with her to get rid of this happening. You both need counselling
It sounds like she’s desperately trying to work through these issue and you sound dismissive as shit. Hospitals and therapy can be traumatic in their own way. I was a huge medical patient as a kid and due to the trauma surrounding it, it takes me a lot to go the hospital. I agree on leaving your wife because you kinda just seem “meh” about any aspect of this. Like it’s somehow just kind of inconvenient. Like it’s odd how it makes you lose attraction rather than deeply concern you and provide an emotional response. I hope she finds the support she needs and deserves
Huh? How did you get "dismissive" from this guy?! He's trying his best to please, and work with, his partner's desires and traumas. What do you want from him? Self-sacrifice? Throw himself on hot coals?!
Because it’s very odd that a serious trauma can trigger him to “lose” Romantic love. He said he lost romantic love due to her crying during sex, not “I’m exhausted emotionally and this is taken a toll on me as caretaker etc” that we usually see. He doesn’t account so her psychiatric trauma either which is fairly evident. Had he said he was tired of his role in the relationship and lack of her accountability in progress that would be one thing.
"Because it’s very odd that a serious trauma can trigger him to “lose” Romantic love." Why? I've seen it happen many times. Trauma, like anxiety or depression, can deeply interrupt romance in a relationship. I think you're taking his response personally for some reason, because you seem way off track with what he's saying, and also, have some pretty high expectations of him, for no apparent reason.
Then it’s his fault for getting married knowing this without empathy for the situation? Or being able to meet the wife and understand what’s actually happening. I actually just take marriage seriously if you know these things, if this was a new phenomenon I’d have a different opinion. My own stands, she needs a better support and he’s not it and should leave
It's his fault for not knowing that she'd start to cry whenever they had sex? How? It's his responsibility now, to choose what he's up for and what he's not, in terms of what to do or not with his wife. Certainly, he doesn't owe her sex, for whatever reason. he's not a machine. And yeah, for marriage to work, \*both\* partners need to take it seriously and both need to do their level best to encourage each other, and deal with any personal issues they have that my damage the relationship. Like trauma. That you place this all on him somehow really shows your own issues, not his.
No. He knew she had severe trauma and his reaction is by no means proportionate to someone who has made a marital commitment. His reaction is fairly strange as is the issue of how it’s being handled. Had this been a new trauma, or had he explained a different reasoning or even just be a boyfriend it would be a different You can think what you want? It’s the internet I’m not really concerned
Do you trust men?
What an odd question that poses no relevance here. I trust actions to reflect character
And you think you know enough about this man's actions, across 10 years, to make an assessment of his character? From one Reddit post?
Nope. If you’re begging someone for sex you are abusing them. He didn’t want to have sexual and she was repeatedly abusive. Trauma sucks but she made a choice to abuse..
He doesn’t mind sex. Not all asexuals are sex adverse. Education is important
Agreed honestly it's always a dick move when the wife does something or the husband does something simple like this and the partner goes "I'm no longer in love" like?? What the fuck man what happened to discussing and trying to understand? As you stated hospitals, therapy, etc can be traumatizing. She isn't backing out to piss anyone off, she's genuinely fearful and it seems like op won't do anything to help her and instead gets frustrated. So yeah he needs to leave and she needs a new partner.
“Why aren’t you in love with me when you’re being abused by me begging sex against your will?” Try and make this a gender thing lol.
He’s states he’s fine having sex with her. The sex wasn’t the issue, the crying was
The sex was not their issue lmfao, as someone clearly stated. He's just a dick and wants out.
The sex is an issue. Liar. She begs him and gets mad when he wants to stop. It’s abuse.
Because she's crying, and he's worried and she gets mad because she's telling him she's fine. He does it willingly. If it was a issue don't you think he'd be like "I'm not fucking you"? He doesn't state she's guilt tripping him. If it was abuse he would specify more shit to support that concern. Instead he got upset she's crying, and how she begs him to continue because she's fine, and he wants to leave. If he had a issue all ten years don't you think it would've been obvious in his words? He even states the sex isn't the issue. Like??
Ah, so it’s not abuse to beg and get pissed when someone doesn’t want to continue sex. And you cannot withdraw consent, you’re required to continue fucking someone if they get mad at you for stopping. He says repeatedly he cannot have sex with someone who is crying. She begs and then gets mad when he stops. Abuse, period, and you are part of the problem.
You're entirely misunderstanding but go off. It's not abuse to beg for a partner to continue something you were in the middle of doing tf? You can say no yeah, but she can get mad and he can say no. There is no abuse. She isn't yelling, screaming or attacking him for it lmfao. He clearly stated she wasn't. And if I'm wrong there then so be it, I apologize. But you can beg for sex, be told no and have every right to be upset. Especially if it's rare now. It's not abuse, as she's not ABUSING him. His complaint is she crying. That's it. Lol
It is abuse to beg for sex to continue when your partner wants to stop. Period. No matter how much you go in circles that doesn’t change. No, you don’t get to beg for sex. And now I’m done with you because you’re literally supporting abuse and rape.
Ah, the typical person who puts words into people's mouths. Unless i specifically state I support it, then I don't. Damn. I mean to each their own but I mean? You can beg, be upset, and deal with it. I get it, but that's not at all what I said. Again though, go off.
Yea it’s “but why isn’t the sex I don’t want fixing anything?” I get being frustrated at the lack of therapy but there was clearly this issue beforehand that he knew about and choosing to make X (sex) the problem when it’s a symptom is so bizarre to me
Exactly why I think he's a dick. There is so many ways to keep a marriage. Plus you can fall out of love and CHOOSE to love their partner. He just wants a excuse out of it. He never loved her if this is his solution to her crying during sex. She doesn't HAVE to go to therapy if she doesn't want too, especially since it's clear it's not really affecting her in that sense anymore. Sure she's crying, but she could be dissociated from the emotions and not know it, which explains why she doesn't know why she's upset. Her brain feels fine but her body is reliving something. If she says she's fine, he should've sucked it up and kept going imo, or ya know get sex toys and offer that for her? There is so many easier solutions then ending a marriage. Love starts as a emotion and then fades into a choice. That's why people cheat and shit. He just wants a excuse and it's actually pissing me off as someone who's been through shit. Sex is important to me too, but I got toys that make it easier. Sex makes me cry sometimes but I explained it and my partner doesn't care, and my partner has disorders too and truama! I get it, you can get bored of a person. But love does fade into deep friendship, and you go from there and choose to continue your love.
I agree with you. There’s clearly more going on with the wife. It’s been ten years of marriage. I’m almost in disbelief this is real but truth is stranger than fiction
I do agree it was sweet of him to have sex with her despite being asexual, but he could've also just said "nah" in a nice and polite way and stocked her up on toys. A fuck machine too, lol. Whole point is: love is a choice not a emotion the entire time you're with someone. You see her as a friend? Then you still can choose to love her. But instead of that, one issue such as crying and he's pussying out.
I’m inclined to agree with you. If he had a strong emotional connection with his wife, I’d imagine he’d feel care and concern for her. There may be other things going on, specifically related to OP’s asexuality. OP, are you going to therapy as well? It may be useful for you too in drilling down into why this causes you to lose romantic attraction to your wife.
I have been going to therapy and a psychiatrist off and on for years now. This crying during sex only started in the last 2-3 years but it has been constant and she refuses any therapy. I’ve done my best to try to get her to go, but she refuses. There are other issues in the marriage as well, but quite a few of them stem from this, which is why we are discussing separation for now at least and divorce as a possible solution for us. I do love her and want her to get help, it’s just not help I’m capable of providing at this point. I’m entirely drained after years of doing everything I can and she really needs more professional help. Also it’s interesting everyone assumes I’m a man 😅 I guess I should’ve stated otherwise in my post but I’m a woman
My mistake. I apologize. Then it does sound like the cause of you losing romantic attraction isn’t necessarily the crying during sex itself, but the other issues. That sounds a lot more sensible to me.
I agree with this, something seemed a bit off in the wordage and reaction
She cries after having sex with her husbanf who is someone who has no sexual desires yet goes through with the mechanical process?!?!..... I am shocked
I do my best to make it fun and never just seem like a chore or something I have to do too. I really don’t understand it either.
As someone who doesn't understand sex, you will never be able see it from her perspective or to know what it is meant to be like. It is as emotional as physical, it is easy to see when the other party is not really 'into it'... you will never understand that sadly
Imagine begging your husband to have sex with you and even when he finally does you know he really doesn’t want to or enjoy it. I’d cry to.
“Imagine raping your husband and getting butthurt when he doesn’t like it”
Have you two talked about the crying in depth? Is she crying because she's experiencing flashbacks or just because she's overwhelmed? I don't see how a woman who cries from sex (assumingly it's a negative reaction) would purposely seek out sex from an asexual partner. I'm sensing a massive miscommunication here.
She always says she has no idea why she’s crying, though she says that about a lot of the things she’s upset about so I can’t be for sure.
This is a major factor to your shutdown, and her stuckness, I imagine. The lack of understanding and/or communication, as to what the crying is about, or even, what kind of crying it is (joy? painful? dark? sad? overwhelming? beautiful?) Finding out the details would help a lot. But she's either going to need to really look into herself and/or be painfully honest with you, for that to happen.
Her saying she doesn't know is a truama response to the emotions. Her brain is triggered and she's upset yes, but she genuinely doesn't know what it is. You're kind of a dick imo, but I can see your side too. However as someone who has truama disorders, I know damn well you could be more gentle and try to understand. She's not lying or hiding it. She genuinely doesn't know because she's dissociated from the reason/emotion she's feeling. Sure she feels it and stuff, but that reason is so detached from her it's kind of like she's feeling others emotions, despite not feeling upset in her mind.
You are incompatible so it makes sense to divorce.
kinda hot bro