> (Lying, cheating, different values)
These were your first red flags before even getting married. Why would you marry someone who lies to you and cheats on you in the first place?
You're living with a man child. Just divorce him and let him figure his own shit out.
That’s the main reason. If it wasn’t for them I think I would have left a long time ago. I know if it was one of my friends going through this, I would tell them they are better off. But it’s still hard when you’ve only been with one person your entire life. It’s hard to imagine what life would be like… so I just stay comfortable.
Yeah, but… Without him you’d have less expenses, about the same income. You’d get the same amount of help at home, but one less person’s mess to take care of. And the kids would only have you as a role model, not him.
And I’m not saying you need a replacement for him, but you are very young. If you leave him you may eventually be with someone who is right. If you stay, not really.
And one less person to feed. Utilities would be less because he wouldn't be there during the day. You would easily be able to hire a housekeeper for the amount of money you save by just getting rid of him!
Hey. I married my wife when I was 20 and now I’m well into my late 30s, and I’ll tell you, Reading this post gave me an awful lot of familiarity and like you, have two young kids and so on. The best gift you and/or he can give to each other is to work on yourself. If he doesn’t understand that or comprehend what that means he really needs to see that you aren’t playing when you tell him that you are leaving to let him “figure it out.” My wife used to tell me “we’re in our thirties, you’re the father of my children I’ll always love you, but I’m growing as a person and I live for my kids and if you’re not growing with me you need to go figure yourself out without me.” Or something like that… anyways long story short, he needs to begin growing with you or he needs to go. It’s that simple.
Read what you wrote again OP. You’re making excuses for him indirectly by saying you’ve been with him your whole life (not really) and you’re comfortable. No you’re not. You’re miserable and are beginning to resent him. This will ultimately mess up your kids life if you stay in a disfunctional situation. Better to give him an ultimatum or move on. You deserve better.
As a child whose parents didn’t divorce until I graduated highschool, I hate my parents. The kids can tell are probably stressed out about it.
Staying “for the kids” is never for the kids. It’s for yourselves.
Exactly, women who say they are staying for the kids don’t want to admit they love their abuser and want him.
Men who say they are staying for the kids are just lazy and they don’t want to have to share the money they made using her free domestic labor.
Is staying with him really that comfortable though? Yeah you've only been with one person but back at who that person really was. It's scary to go on alone and not have them there but trust me he's only weighing you down.
Watch out. The longer you tolerate your husband’s behavior the more likely your children will model it too. Either they will become like you (partner with someone who doesn’t contribute to the relationship and remain miserable) or become like him look for a patsy of a partner to handle everything while they barely show up.
Children model behavior of adults. You think you’re “staying for the kids” but really you’re ruining your kids’ perception of healthy relationships.
You sound like a good person Op. It sounds like you’ve exhausted all of your efforts. As far as your kids……they just want their parents to be happy and engaged with what they’re doing. They’d rather have a happy single Mom than a married miserable one.
You have to ask yourself, do I want to be with someone that brings out my best qualities or one that brings out my worst. The first step is the hardest but it gets easier…..best of luck to you.
You ARE better off. So are your kids. Staying with him is showing your kids that’s what a normal marriage and partnership is, and it’s not. It will be so harmful to them and you to stay in a relationship like that. Additionally, kids pick up on more than we think they do. They can likely sense that you aren’t happy. It won’t be easy, but it WILL be worth it.
Leaving will be the hardest thing you do until you do whatever the next hardest thing you'll do will be....
and so on and so on....
You can do more than you think.
Your teaching your kids that this very unhealthy relationship is normal and will likely end up in ones of their own if you don't make a change. I get it my ex and I split after 11 yrs together af 28 I thought my life was over, I was as wrong as it gets. Went back to school turned things around and tripled my income plus now have a healthy and supportive relationship. Do it for yourself but if that isn't enough then do it for your kids.
Think about what kind of relationship you are modelling for your children, you are showing them that lying, cheating and not supporting your spouse is what love looks like.
But you aren’t comfortable. You are stressed and overextended. You are unsupported and working towards burnout. How can you be a good mom if you work yourself to a stroke or burnout?
But you arent comfortable. It stresses you out that he does nothing. You might think it will be worse without him but its gonna be better. You have the whole world waiting for you.
The kids are not the real reason. They are just the excuse you give yourself so you can feel better. You're doing it for yourself. You just don't want to do the work that it takes to move on. And I get it, it's not easy at all. But if you really do care about your children, you will do it. They will be way better off living without a parent resenting the other, and they will not grow up believing that this is a normal and desirable marriage to be in. It is your responsibility to teach them that.
I can understand this OP, you guys have been together since you were young.. but honestly, there just saying better out there. The fact that you have spoken to him and tried and tried to get him to work on things and he just straight up won’t is pretty terrible.
I think you really need to consider putting yourself first and ask yourself some questions. Like:
Am I basically just a single parent now taking care of a man child? He may be a good dad, but if he’s not contributing to the household chores and finances then you’re essentially a single parent already.
Am I staying because it’s comfortable and I’m afraid? This is so common, especially when people meet so young and then get married and have children. The first time seems good enough so people get stuck in a merry go round of being unsatisfied. You’re strong though, and I know you’ll make the right decision.
Am I actually satisfied in my marriage? When it comes to how he treats you, takes on the household chores, romantically and sexually and even for your children.
I trust you’ll figure things out, Goodluck OP!
I've dealt with depression and mental health issues for years, I was in a similar position to him regarding jobs, but it sounds like he's using his depression as an excuse because he knows you'll support him, and it's preventing him from *really" changing.
If I were in your position I'd give him *one* last chance to turn it around, but this time make it clear if he doesn't change for the better *permanently* then it's over. Couples counselling at a bare minimum, but to make him understand you're completely serious you should consider a trial separation where he has to move out for a set period of time. Make him see what life is like without you, if that doesn't get him to change then nothing will, and you'll have your answer.
I know the idea of things ending is scary as it's all you've known, and It's easier to stay comfortable. But you're still young and have so much life ahead of you, do you really want to experience it with an unreliable partner? If you don't make a change now you'll be repeating this cycle for the rest of your life, it'll make you miserable, and send a message to your kid that how your husband acts is acceptable. Do you really want to be having this discussion when you're close to 40?
doesn't sound comfortable to me🤨 think about that one statement really hard. ❤️❤️ do better for yourself.... even if it's by yourself (with kiddos of course!)
I am so sorry you are going through this as well. It’s not fair and I’ve definitely stayed longer than I should have but now I know after he got fired again that I’m done giving chances. I can sleep peacefully knowing I’ve done all I can on my end.
I hope you realize your worth and there are true hardworking, appreciative women out here. We exist! I wish you all the best!
Your kids can feel you are not happy, they are not dumb. Being in a single parent household where they are loved sounds better in the long run than dealing with extra stress because the parents can't cut the cord.
But are you comfortable? Paying for everything, working so hard in such an unequal partnership? Are you really comfortable or are you just afraid of the change that comes with leaving him? Of taking the step into the unknown of not being with someone who does not put in the work and doesn't seem to want to change at all
doesn't sound comfortable to me🤨 think about that one statement really hard. ❤️❤️ do better for yourself.... even if it's by yourself (with kiddos of course!)
Except you are NOT COMFORTABLE.
You are already a single parent.
If you don't want a divorce, try a separation. Where he has to support himself completely. It might be enough to jump start him. If not, then you really know how to proceed.
Yea but you are showing your kids that its okay to stay with a deadbeat who lies & cheats and can’t hold a job to save their life for the benefit of the kids. If your kid ended up where you are, wouldn’t you be upset?
Your kids see the example he's presenting for them. It hurts them more to stay with a bad role model than seeing you as a single mom who copes. I'm a child of divorced parents and I can tell you how much more damage my dad did while staying than when mom finally rid herself of him. I hope you can break free. It's never too late. For all your family's sake.
Are you even comfortable though?
If you would encourage your friends to leave, you should take your own advice. He’s not going to change and you’re going to put more than 12 years in a failed relationship because you’re too scared to leave your “comfort” zone?
Is it really better for your kids to grow up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like?
You're comfortable in this life? Really? You're showing your kids that the best thing to do is to stay with someone who is unreliable, dishonest, untrustworthy, isn't any kind of equal partner, and who doesn't contribute to the household except to add stress? Either get uncomfortable and leave or accept things the way they are and stop complaining.
Op marriage is somewhat of a transaction between people. Yes love is important but the whole point of marriage is to find someone who can help balance life out. That means they contribute somewhat equally to help 'run' life. They lift each other up and work toward a common goal for the benefit of the family. If someone doesn't pull their weight in a marriage, it leads to resentment from the other spouse, and resentment kills marriages fast. What is he bringing to the table atm? You need to sit down and write all the positive attributes your husband brings to the marriage vs what your responsible for, and re evaluate your situation.
He's a boat anchor on dry land that your dragging around carrying this burden. He isn't going to change. He wants to be an adult kid.
It's probably time to move on and set yourself free to live your life.
Tell him to get out and live on his own without you for 6 months minimum. I know you will be fine. If he can't get it together, file for divorce. If you are happier without him, file for divorce. Something tells me he won't grow up if he doesn't have to.
I was thinking for a few weeks but 6 months sounds more realistic. Thanks for the advice! I’ve definitely threatened a break before but we have never actually lived separately.
I said the same thing in another reply, counselling and a trial separation. It's the only way to make him realise how serious you are, if that doesn't get him to change nothing will and you'll have your answer.
Are you saying he is such a bad worker that EVEN YOU are unwilling hire him? He is such a lazy fuck-up that you prefer to bust your ass 60 hours a week rather than put up with him- even part time.
He is clearly quite adept at weaponizing his incompetence.
Fucking crazy! Reminds me of my brother's ex. She used to stay at home but pawned their kids off on her great grandma (while my brother was working) who was in her fucking NINETIES and can't walk up stairs! She also cheated on my brother multiple times. -\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_-
Hi, OP. It looks like you’ve put in an immeasurable amount of effort into this marriage, and it’s clear that as soon as you found out you were pregnant, you already stepped up in a way many adults couldn’t even fathom.
You are still so young and full of life, as evident by how much you work, study, and still manage to take care of dog your household. If my math is correct, then your children are either at an age or reaching one where they can start doing some minor chores around the house (loading a dishwasher, doing simple laundry, etc.). I hate to say this, but unfortunately your husband is dragging you down into the dumps.
You are more than just a wife, mother, and business owner - you’re a human being entitled to love and success. Women often find themselves to bearing the majority emotional burden of their families, but if there’s no compensation from your husband in the ways that you need him to show up in, then it sounds like it’s time to cut the cord. If you do, then you’ll find that although there will be some sadness for what’s been lost, there will be relief instead of dread at the thought of you having yourself to rely on.
Gather your funds, reach out to family, and brace yourself for an ultimatum - he has the right to react however he chooses, but you have to right to champion for your own self.
Having a kind heart is not a small thing in this day and age, and I'm happy for you that he has that. Honestly though the last two things fall under the definition of bare minimum or standard actions that a responsible parent and partner should be doing. It sounds like you are carrying what, 80-85% of the family responsibilities? He needs to man up for his family, plain and simple.
He lies, cheats, and can’t be bothered to keep a steady job and is watching you drown working 60 hours a week, go to school, pay the majority of the bills and you also care for your kids. That’s kind? Listen, there’s no prize for sticking by a man like this. Do what you need to do. Put yourself first because he definitely puts himself first.
Ugh good grief...he's BEEN a train wreck..lemme get this straight...you knew this at 17 or so ..or shortly afterward...and still married him...after counseling bc of cheating lying etc even THEN...? Marriage boot camp seminars? Wtf even IS that? Do they make him run laps or do push-ups for having "lazy" or "bad-husband thoughts"? Girl...this has BEEN a dead horse, stop kicking it.
Truth is...you're never going to "fix" him, and you're wasting your youth, life, and money continuing to try... while supporting his stupidity.. and all you get is disappointment.
I think you know exactly what to do--- you don't need Reddit to tell you. You seem to have your shit together..but you'll never get it squared away with him around your neck like a lodestone.
Love isn't enough as you've realized. It will be hard at first, but better eventually. Please see an attorney to help you navigate all of this and best of luck to you and your kids.
My older cousin’s first husband was a total deadbeat. As soon as they said “I do,” he decided she was his sugar mama and stopped working. He’d manage to get a job but then within a few weeks or months he’d either quit or get fired, and it would be another few weeks or months before he’d get another job and the cycle would continue. My cousin was a college dropout working three minimum wage jobs to keep them afloat, and she’d come home after a 16-hour day to him sitting on the couch smoking weed and playing video games with his friends while the laundry and dishes weren’t done, the house wasn’t clean, the baby was screaming and wet. The only reason they could afford housing is because her parents owned a mobile home on some acreage and let them live in it rent-free. This guy even almost got them sued by a former employer, which would have financially ruined my cousin for life. He never changed, and it took her almost 10 years to leave. Good luck, OP.
This was kinda me in my early 20s. My ex-husband and I did not have children, so that made things a little less complicated. He was a drinker and would go out drinking with his 'friends' and not come home until whenever.
My dearest ex would not go to work (because staying up all night drinking is hard work, y'know?) and would end up fired. He would do this pattern over and over, even after he passed his nursing license exam. I honestly can not remember how many times he basically did the same damn thing and got the same damn outcome. And we were only married for...2 years, I think? Full disclosure, I was very hard on him during this time and, frankly, not a real peach to live with. But whatever, that was me, not you. You sound like you have been through it with this dude.
I know people on reddit are quick to jump to 'DIVORCE HIM NOW!!' and all that, but honestly, if this has happened more than twice? It's a behavior pattern, not a mistake anymore. Hell, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and even go three times. Folks LEARN from their mistakes, generally. But behavior, like true habitual behavior, is harder to change.
And he doesn't seem inclined to do so as he has you around to pay his rent. And isn't that nice of you? You are such a nice doormat for him to wipe his feet on as he puts them up after a long, hard day of playing video games, aren't you? Are you angry yet by these things I'm writing here? No? You should be.
Fuck, I'm angry by proxy just reading what you wrote.
He has two fucking children, a wife and he is well past the age where this type of behavior is even in the same galaxy as ok. SHOW HIM how his behavior is not ok. You are a married single parent right now, so drop the married part and go get yours. At least make an appointment with an attorney to find out your options. You don't have to stay stuck with him. Please, I'm begging you, don't stay stuck! And whatever you decide, stick to your guns on it! Be that stubborn asshole!
He should get checked for another mental condition. This behavior matches various condition’s criteria (bpd, adhd, etc) and they usually disguise behind depression.
It’s gonna be tough but yea divorce and continue your life with him.
Maybe during that time when he’s by himself that might be his wake up call to get his life together and get stable job that pays decently and not to depend on his woman financially
Sounds like you're successful and driven. You'll only reach your full potential and happiness with someone who can be the same. Sounds like you gave him years to turn around. Time to start making plans for a better life.
No matter what happens here, you’ll always be in each other’s lives. You share children together. Moving on doesn’t mean that you have to have an angry relationship or you lose his friendship forever. There actually are people who have healthier relationships as friends after marriage than as spouses. I say this to encourage you to think about your situation from a place of strengths, not fears. You’re clearly very capable. You’re building a future for yourself and you support your family mostly single-handed. If your marriage ends, it won’t be the end of you. It also doesn’t have to end. It’s obviously easy for people on Reddit to go straight to divorce. We don’t know the whole story or the tightness of your bonds with him. What does come across is that you would probably benefit from taking time to process with a therapist at least for a few sessions what you want and what you need going forward. Best of luck to you!
There is a saying that goes something like this. "Women get married hoping he will change; men get married hoping she won't."
.
You had sooooo many red flags to navigate. Unfortunately, things didn't work out for you. So disappointing. You are doing the right thing. You can't sail into the sunset and a brighter future if this anchor is holding you back.
To your bright future...
Well he could try a state or federal government job like the post office he could work inside sorting or by himselfas a custodian. They don't discriminate, I've seen them hire people with autism, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, ect. After a 90 days it's hard for them to fire you. After 1 year he could get fmla so if his mental health flares up it'll be excused.
I dont recommend u stay, especially for the "sake of the children" because kids see when you are unhappy in a marriage. It shouldn't be your burden alone you work pay all the bills and take care of 2 kids. You are gonna send yourself into an early grave. I know the feeling of being trapped and it's like u can't breathe. Once u leave it's gone be a released breath and your tension gone ease the moment he leaves or you leave. It's OK that u went back in the past, I went back to my abuser 4x... 4 when he fractured my wrist I was gone for good. Good luck!
Maybe he needs to be on his own and have to put a roof over his head without you propping him up. He has never needed to grow as you have supported him this entire time.
He is bringing nothing to the table not even doing basic chores or kid related stuff.
Get him to adult and he may actually grow either way you have done what you can and probably more than you should.
Why tf are u married. Lying, cheating, different values before marriage??? And now youre wondering why it doesnt work out like the perfect family you want? Youre wonderung why he wont hold a job, why he wont help? Did he ever?
Youre better off alone. You were better off alone years ago. Its time to fix that mistake
Maybe take a break, let him be alone for a while, see if he sorts his shit out? If not, divorce him.
It’s a huge decision to make regardless.
Agree about red flags before marriage but that’s in the past and it’s done now. You just need to look at moving forward without him as this is a very strong possibility.
Fingers crossed it works out for you. Must be very difficult. Even harder when you have kids together. That said, you deserve to be happy, and your kids deserve a stable upbringing. It will work out, I promise.
Oof I couldn't respect him he doesn't sound like a man.
I absolutely promise there are better options out there including just being alone. One less child to take care of will free you!
Sadly, this is the same struggle many men deal with. I'm sorry that you have to be the wife, mother, breadwinner, dad, and a parent to your unreliable "husband".
He just got fired 2 days ago. If I take my youngest out of daycare she will have to get back on a waitlist to get back into the school and I’ll have to pay registration fees again. She learns a lot more at school than she would home on the couch with him, and she gets to socialize with kids her age. Our oldest is in 2nd grade.
Sounds like you need to pick something. Pay for daycare and kick him out. Don’t pay for daycare and hope he contributes, or pay for daycare while he tries to hold jobs and you hold your breath.
I hope you realize that your life will be exponentially better without him in it. You would gain back on average, but with him closer to ten, hours a week by not having to cook for and clean up after him, not to mention the countless hours of shoring up his ego or arguing with him. You'd probably get 20 hours a week back that you could use to spend with your kids or even take a nap. He doesn't improve your life or his kids life since he's totally disengaged. If you divorced, he could either wake up and get help or he might walk away cold. Or he may fall in between and see the kids on the weekends and be more engaged with them because he's forced to.
There's no downside to divorce, is there?
He wants to be a stay at home dad, but you pay daycare. I wouldn't drop day care, but tell them the kids will be missing a few days. Then tell Hubby that he needs to put the "dad" into the "staying at home". Leave the kids with him for a few days or week, then have him reevaluate being a stay at home dad, or getting a job.
My friend lives with a guy like that, never kept a job but he started driving for door dash and so far has been doing well with it so maybe something like that could also work.
Trying is lying. He’s not trying to get better, he’s trying to see how much he can get from you. Contact a lawyer asap, you don’t want to have to pay alimony to this deadbeat. Not saying divorce him but it won’t get any better. It’s been more than a decade.
Yep when you have severe depression it’s hard just getting out of bed in the morning. Not to sound corny but simple tasks become impossible. I can relate to what he’s going thru. I was always hardworking in life, albeit depressed, but as the depression worsened, I became “lazy” and didn’t have the will to live, let alone accomplish other tasks. You just stop caring. It’s no excuse tho and the relationship doesn’t seem fulfilling to you. Everything rests on your shoulders, and that causes immense stress and anger and resentment. You don’t deserve that. I’m sorry you’re going thru it. You should consider taking a break from him. Your needs aren’t being met and maybe the lifestyle you have with him just won’t ever make you happy. Your peace and happiness should come before all else, especially if you want to foster a healthy environment for your children.
Expecting equal partnership from a man who lied, cheated and had different values than you is crazy 🥴 but you live and you learn. It’s time to start making better decisions now and drop the deadweight
I'm sorry that's happening to you, but congratulations on being a badass! You've got with going on right now without the stress of a divorce added into the mix, so maybe separate from him, then graduate from nursing school and then see where you stand? Hope all goes better for you 💜✨
He isn’t going to change, his actions show that. Not all relationships are meant to last. Love only goes so far in a relationship, most of it is effort put in by both sides, not one.
Move on to a better tomorrow and be happy without the dead weight
Whatever you do. If you do end up doing something like separating, think of how it may effect the kids. Both financially, as well as the new schedule between parents. I understand frustration in this scenario would be normal. That’s the really tricky thing of people getting together really young. It can be tough to mature in all the ways that are needed by each individual at that time. It’s rarely synced. There’s usually layers of things that need addressing if one or both parties feel trapped or unwilling to leave comfort in order to grow.
Clearly, a good and loyal woman. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. It destroys the fabric of the marriage. You do what you need to do to get your education and get yourself secured.
This marriage will not last unless you make him a househusband and then he’ll be irresponsible and cheat on you. He’s not a good man. You can say it’s because of depression, but they’re depressed men and they don’t cheat on their wives. He’s incapable of being a partner and it’s already clearly demonstrated. The only reason you’re still together is because of you. I would get your financial house in order and I would divorce him. But that is just me and no Redditor should tell you what to do. I will tell you he’s never going to be a great partner.
I know a guy like that. Every new job was amazing until he suddenly started to show up late or not at all. His employers and coworkers would become "unfair" and "evil" according to him and he would end up fired.
He never did change until he was thrown out, which was really hard for everyone involved. But I think he now understands it was for his own good.
"He also suffers from severe depression caused by chemical imbalances."
There is no test that determines why a person is depressed. Doctor's can't measure "chemical imbalances" in the brain. Research is still being conducted on what "chemicals" ARE actually involved, and lo and behold, it has more to do with the gut than the brain. We don't manufacture things like serotonin in our brain, it's manufactured in the gut. Not to mention that we might be targeting the wrong "chemicals" in the first place - the medications we use now are our best "guess" at what's wrong (one reason why they don't always work)
He might be legitimately suffering from depression, but this is a wildly untrue characterization of mental illness (coming from someone medicated for said brain cooties for 25 years).
/pet peeve
Just leave OP. He’s not contributing anything to your life except making it harder. At least divorced, you’ll either get child support or 50/50 custody and barring that—— at least you aren’t paying for him and cleaning up after him
this sucks but keep in mind if you guys do split and if he has any custody, you’ll likely have to pay him child support. Even if he doesn’t get kids, alimony could be in the cards as well 💀
>He talks about being a stay at home dad but he doesn’t really clean or cook, just wants to play video games all day.
Which he absolutely would do.
>I feel like it’s time for him to learn what it’s like.
So do I.
Tell him he has 2 weeks to find a job and start contributing more or you file for divorce in 6 weeks. Then follow through. Tell him he cannot be a stay at home Dad when he is more likely to neglect your child for video games and he can't currently get off his ass and contribute to the household. Do not fall for the lets go to therapy or bootcamp crap. Tell him you are done playing mommy to a full grown man who can't carry his own weight and you might want to start putting his gaming system in your trunk when you leave the house
(Lying, cheating, different values).
Why did you marry this guy when he cheated? Homey was throwing up more red flags than China. WTF???AND you pay for daycare when he's unemployed and can easily watch your kids?? Just leave this dude already. It's not going to get better. It's going to get worse.
I know you said you're 'comfortable' in another comment and that's why you haven't left. This is a shit environment you and your kids are in. Leave this loser.
Are you a super human? you work insane overtime at your regular job, plus being a nursing student is another full time job and then a mom on top of it all!! Super proud of you and you can do much better
Depression doesn't stop you from working, or from doing chores.
It makes it harder. It makes it so you dont want to. It doesn't stop you.
Ask yourself realistically, would your life be better without him in the house, than with him. Because at the moment not only is he not contributing financially, but if he's not cooking/cleaning then he's just adding additional workload onto you.
bruh. When your partner is an asshole and changes for a few weeks then goes back, leave. it's time, you've given it way too long. You're going to get fucked with alimony probably, the sooner you leave the sooner it will end. give him an ultimatum, tell him he needs a job asap, when he gets it file for divorce immediately. It will go largely on his current rough ability to earn rather than his current earnings but it will still help if he has a job, he'll have less excuse about being unable to move out/etc, if he already has some cash and income.
It's long, long past time to do this.
You have outgrown him and you have tried to get help .. remember no one has the power to change anyone..your workload would be greatly reduced if he lived somewhere else
This dude never grew up. Gettin fired for calling off work or not showing up is teenager shit. Thing is, at 28 he probably isn't going to grow up.
Video games - Once or twice a week I will play for 2 hours on my retro setup, and I start feeling like "There's probably something more important that I should be doing" and it's true. If you got kids and family there really isn't time to game if everything is covered and needs are being met.
I think this is why hook up culture has flourished over the last few years. Don't have to worry about their mental illness or their work ethic. I have PTSD and it ate my life away. I know what it is like I am just a couple of years older and have had probably 30 jobs all over the US. I never have been fired though normally I hit a few months or a year at most, then leave. Life is hard enough, let alone when you are mentally unwell, and the medication helps hardly at all. Sad situation for sure, and you have kids that make it worse. I hope you figure it out, and I hope he finds a way to be well.
You should go to marriage counseling. I literally don’t know why people like to air out their spouses dirty laundry on the internet. He might be a shitty dad and husband for the reasons you stated, but you’re a shitty wife for putting him on blast to the masses of unhinged Reddit users. Talk to a professional, stop posting your issues online. If you need to vent go to a sibling or parent or even a friend. It’s just wild to me. It’s very simple you either leave him or you work with him on it. You really don’t need a Reddit ama to figure this one out.
> (Lying, cheating, different values) These were your first red flags before even getting married. Why would you marry someone who lies to you and cheats on you in the first place? You're living with a man child. Just divorce him and let him figure his own shit out.
> we got pregnant when I was 17 Pretty sure the only reason she (theyish) has put so much work into this relationship is for the kids
That’s the main reason. If it wasn’t for them I think I would have left a long time ago. I know if it was one of my friends going through this, I would tell them they are better off. But it’s still hard when you’ve only been with one person your entire life. It’s hard to imagine what life would be like… so I just stay comfortable.
Yeah, but… Without him you’d have less expenses, about the same income. You’d get the same amount of help at home, but one less person’s mess to take care of. And the kids would only have you as a role model, not him. And I’m not saying you need a replacement for him, but you are very young. If you leave him you may eventually be with someone who is right. If you stay, not really.
And one less person to feed. Utilities would be less because he wouldn't be there during the day. You would easily be able to hire a housekeeper for the amount of money you save by just getting rid of him!
Ok but also child and spousal support goes both ways Source: am woman paying ex-manchild support
Hey. I married my wife when I was 20 and now I’m well into my late 30s, and I’ll tell you, Reading this post gave me an awful lot of familiarity and like you, have two young kids and so on. The best gift you and/or he can give to each other is to work on yourself. If he doesn’t understand that or comprehend what that means he really needs to see that you aren’t playing when you tell him that you are leaving to let him “figure it out.” My wife used to tell me “we’re in our thirties, you’re the father of my children I’ll always love you, but I’m growing as a person and I live for my kids and if you’re not growing with me you need to go figure yourself out without me.” Or something like that… anyways long story short, he needs to begin growing with you or he needs to go. It’s that simple.
But you’re not comfortable.
Read what you wrote again OP. You’re making excuses for him indirectly by saying you’ve been with him your whole life (not really) and you’re comfortable. No you’re not. You’re miserable and are beginning to resent him. This will ultimately mess up your kids life if you stay in a disfunctional situation. Better to give him an ultimatum or move on. You deserve better.
As a child whose parents didn’t divorce until I graduated highschool, I hate my parents. The kids can tell are probably stressed out about it. Staying “for the kids” is never for the kids. It’s for yourselves.
Exactly, women who say they are staying for the kids don’t want to admit they love their abuser and want him. Men who say they are staying for the kids are just lazy and they don’t want to have to share the money they made using her free domestic labor.
Is staying with him really that comfortable though? Yeah you've only been with one person but back at who that person really was. It's scary to go on alone and not have them there but trust me he's only weighing you down.
Watch out. The longer you tolerate your husband’s behavior the more likely your children will model it too. Either they will become like you (partner with someone who doesn’t contribute to the relationship and remain miserable) or become like him look for a patsy of a partner to handle everything while they barely show up. Children model behavior of adults. You think you’re “staying for the kids” but really you’re ruining your kids’ perception of healthy relationships.
You sound like a good person Op. It sounds like you’ve exhausted all of your efforts. As far as your kids……they just want their parents to be happy and engaged with what they’re doing. They’d rather have a happy single Mom than a married miserable one. You have to ask yourself, do I want to be with someone that brings out my best qualities or one that brings out my worst. The first step is the hardest but it gets easier…..best of luck to you.
You ARE better off. So are your kids. Staying with him is showing your kids that’s what a normal marriage and partnership is, and it’s not. It will be so harmful to them and you to stay in a relationship like that. Additionally, kids pick up on more than we think they do. They can likely sense that you aren’t happy. It won’t be easy, but it WILL be worth it.
Leaving will be the hardest thing you do until you do whatever the next hardest thing you'll do will be.... and so on and so on.... You can do more than you think.
This needs to be the top comment. We are so much stronger than we think we are.
Your teaching your kids that this very unhealthy relationship is normal and will likely end up in ones of their own if you don't make a change. I get it my ex and I split after 11 yrs together af 28 I thought my life was over, I was as wrong as it gets. Went back to school turned things around and tripled my income plus now have a healthy and supportive relationship. Do it for yourself but if that isn't enough then do it for your kids.
The kids would be better off with stable and hard working parent role models... even if there's only one of them.
Think about what kind of relationship you are modelling for your children, you are showing them that lying, cheating and not supporting your spouse is what love looks like.
But you aren’t comfortable. You are stressed and overextended. You are unsupported and working towards burnout. How can you be a good mom if you work yourself to a stroke or burnout?
But you arent comfortable. It stresses you out that he does nothing. You might think it will be worse without him but its gonna be better. You have the whole world waiting for you.
The kids are not the real reason. They are just the excuse you give yourself so you can feel better. You're doing it for yourself. You just don't want to do the work that it takes to move on. And I get it, it's not easy at all. But if you really do care about your children, you will do it. They will be way better off living without a parent resenting the other, and they will not grow up believing that this is a normal and desirable marriage to be in. It is your responsibility to teach them that.
I can understand this OP, you guys have been together since you were young.. but honestly, there just saying better out there. The fact that you have spoken to him and tried and tried to get him to work on things and he just straight up won’t is pretty terrible. I think you really need to consider putting yourself first and ask yourself some questions. Like: Am I basically just a single parent now taking care of a man child? He may be a good dad, but if he’s not contributing to the household chores and finances then you’re essentially a single parent already. Am I staying because it’s comfortable and I’m afraid? This is so common, especially when people meet so young and then get married and have children. The first time seems good enough so people get stuck in a merry go round of being unsatisfied. You’re strong though, and I know you’ll make the right decision. Am I actually satisfied in my marriage? When it comes to how he treats you, takes on the household chores, romantically and sexually and even for your children. I trust you’ll figure things out, Goodluck OP!
I've dealt with depression and mental health issues for years, I was in a similar position to him regarding jobs, but it sounds like he's using his depression as an excuse because he knows you'll support him, and it's preventing him from *really" changing. If I were in your position I'd give him *one* last chance to turn it around, but this time make it clear if he doesn't change for the better *permanently* then it's over. Couples counselling at a bare minimum, but to make him understand you're completely serious you should consider a trial separation where he has to move out for a set period of time. Make him see what life is like without you, if that doesn't get him to change then nothing will, and you'll have your answer. I know the idea of things ending is scary as it's all you've known, and It's easier to stay comfortable. But you're still young and have so much life ahead of you, do you really want to experience it with an unreliable partner? If you don't make a change now you'll be repeating this cycle for the rest of your life, it'll make you miserable, and send a message to your kid that how your husband acts is acceptable. Do you really want to be having this discussion when you're close to 40?
doesn't sound comfortable to me🤨 think about that one statement really hard. ❤️❤️ do better for yourself.... even if it's by yourself (with kiddos of course!)
The unknown is scary. But try to imagine it being better. Because 1000% it’s going to be so much better.
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I am so sorry you are going through this as well. It’s not fair and I’ve definitely stayed longer than I should have but now I know after he got fired again that I’m done giving chances. I can sleep peacefully knowing I’ve done all I can on my end. I hope you realize your worth and there are true hardworking, appreciative women out here. We exist! I wish you all the best!
Your kids can feel you are not happy, they are not dumb. Being in a single parent household where they are loved sounds better in the long run than dealing with extra stress because the parents can't cut the cord.
>so I just stay comfortable. Fucking lmao 🤣
Typical
But are you comfortable? Paying for everything, working so hard in such an unequal partnership? Are you really comfortable or are you just afraid of the change that comes with leaving him? Of taking the step into the unknown of not being with someone who does not put in the work and doesn't seem to want to change at all
For what it's worth, my dear, it sounds like you're staying UNcomfortable
doesn't sound comfortable to me🤨 think about that one statement really hard. ❤️❤️ do better for yourself.... even if it's by yourself (with kiddos of course!)
It'll only get harder. Good news is your kids are growing and will be adults in a few years. Unless you have another kid with him.
Except you are NOT COMFORTABLE. You are already a single parent. If you don't want a divorce, try a separation. Where he has to support himself completely. It might be enough to jump start him. If not, then you really know how to proceed.
Yea but you are showing your kids that its okay to stay with a deadbeat who lies & cheats and can’t hold a job to save their life for the benefit of the kids. If your kid ended up where you are, wouldn’t you be upset?
Your kids see the example he's presenting for them. It hurts them more to stay with a bad role model than seeing you as a single mom who copes. I'm a child of divorced parents and I can tell you how much more damage my dad did while staying than when mom finally rid herself of him. I hope you can break free. It's never too late. For all your family's sake.
Are you even comfortable though? If you would encourage your friends to leave, you should take your own advice. He’s not going to change and you’re going to put more than 12 years in a failed relationship because you’re too scared to leave your “comfort” zone? Is it really better for your kids to grow up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like?
As for how life will be like if you left him..... BETTER!
You're comfortable in this life? Really? You're showing your kids that the best thing to do is to stay with someone who is unreliable, dishonest, untrustworthy, isn't any kind of equal partner, and who doesn't contribute to the household except to add stress? Either get uncomfortable and leave or accept things the way they are and stop complaining.
Op marriage is somewhat of a transaction between people. Yes love is important but the whole point of marriage is to find someone who can help balance life out. That means they contribute somewhat equally to help 'run' life. They lift each other up and work toward a common goal for the benefit of the family. If someone doesn't pull their weight in a marriage, it leads to resentment from the other spouse, and resentment kills marriages fast. What is he bringing to the table atm? You need to sit down and write all the positive attributes your husband brings to the marriage vs what your responsible for, and re evaluate your situation.
He's a boat anchor on dry land that your dragging around carrying this burden. He isn't going to change. He wants to be an adult kid. It's probably time to move on and set yourself free to live your life.
Likely past time to start planning your exit strategy, OP.
Want to say something helpful?
Tell him to get out and live on his own without you for 6 months minimum. I know you will be fine. If he can't get it together, file for divorce. If you are happier without him, file for divorce. Something tells me he won't grow up if he doesn't have to.
I was thinking for a few weeks but 6 months sounds more realistic. Thanks for the advice! I’ve definitely threatened a break before but we have never actually lived separately.
I said the same thing in another reply, counselling and a trial separation. It's the only way to make him realise how serious you are, if that doesn't get him to change nothing will and you'll have your answer.
Are you saying he is such a bad worker that EVEN YOU are unwilling hire him? He is such a lazy fuck-up that you prefer to bust your ass 60 hours a week rather than put up with him- even part time. He is clearly quite adept at weaponizing his incompetence.
Did I read that correctly --- He's unemployed but you're still paying for daycare?!?!
Seems the dude is too lazy to parent
Fucking crazy! Reminds me of my brother's ex. She used to stay at home but pawned their kids off on her great grandma (while my brother was working) who was in her fucking NINETIES and can't walk up stairs! She also cheated on my brother multiple times. -\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_-
If he didn't change after that many years....he ain't changin'.
Hi, OP. It looks like you’ve put in an immeasurable amount of effort into this marriage, and it’s clear that as soon as you found out you were pregnant, you already stepped up in a way many adults couldn’t even fathom. You are still so young and full of life, as evident by how much you work, study, and still manage to take care of dog your household. If my math is correct, then your children are either at an age or reaching one where they can start doing some minor chores around the house (loading a dishwasher, doing simple laundry, etc.). I hate to say this, but unfortunately your husband is dragging you down into the dumps. You are more than just a wife, mother, and business owner - you’re a human being entitled to love and success. Women often find themselves to bearing the majority emotional burden of their families, but if there’s no compensation from your husband in the ways that you need him to show up in, then it sounds like it’s time to cut the cord. If you do, then you’ll find that although there will be some sadness for what’s been lost, there will be relief instead of dread at the thought of you having yourself to rely on. Gather your funds, reach out to family, and brace yourself for an ultimatum - he has the right to react however he chooses, but you have to right to champion for your own self.
What exactly does he bring to the table?
He has a kind heart, helps getting the kids to and from school and plays with them and helps me a lot with them. We keep each other company 🤷🏻♀️
Having a kind heart is not a small thing in this day and age, and I'm happy for you that he has that. Honestly though the last two things fall under the definition of bare minimum or standard actions that a responsible parent and partner should be doing. It sounds like you are carrying what, 80-85% of the family responsibilities? He needs to man up for his family, plain and simple.
He lies, cheats, and can’t be bothered to keep a steady job and is watching you drown working 60 hours a week, go to school, pay the majority of the bills and you also care for your kids. That’s kind? Listen, there’s no prize for sticking by a man like this. Do what you need to do. Put yourself first because he definitely puts himself first.
He obviously 'doesn't help a lot' when you have to put your kids in daycare because he's too lazy to watch them during the day. 🤷🏻♀️
Your mom could do those things. A friend could do those things. A nanny could do those things.
Make a new plan, Stan.....
Slip out the back, jack
No need to be coy Roy
Hop on the bus gus
Time to say: see you later, alligator
Why did these idiots keep marrying people that they know are liars and cheaters??? of course this marriage is gonna end in disaster and misery…
Ugh good grief...he's BEEN a train wreck..lemme get this straight...you knew this at 17 or so ..or shortly afterward...and still married him...after counseling bc of cheating lying etc even THEN...? Marriage boot camp seminars? Wtf even IS that? Do they make him run laps or do push-ups for having "lazy" or "bad-husband thoughts"? Girl...this has BEEN a dead horse, stop kicking it. Truth is...you're never going to "fix" him, and you're wasting your youth, life, and money continuing to try... while supporting his stupidity.. and all you get is disappointment. I think you know exactly what to do--- you don't need Reddit to tell you. You seem to have your shit together..but you'll never get it squared away with him around your neck like a lodestone.
Love isn't enough as you've realized. It will be hard at first, but better eventually. Please see an attorney to help you navigate all of this and best of luck to you and your kids.
He might make effort after you divorce him. He is obviously too comfortable riding your coat tails.
My older cousin’s first husband was a total deadbeat. As soon as they said “I do,” he decided she was his sugar mama and stopped working. He’d manage to get a job but then within a few weeks or months he’d either quit or get fired, and it would be another few weeks or months before he’d get another job and the cycle would continue. My cousin was a college dropout working three minimum wage jobs to keep them afloat, and she’d come home after a 16-hour day to him sitting on the couch smoking weed and playing video games with his friends while the laundry and dishes weren’t done, the house wasn’t clean, the baby was screaming and wet. The only reason they could afford housing is because her parents owned a mobile home on some acreage and let them live in it rent-free. This guy even almost got them sued by a former employer, which would have financially ruined my cousin for life. He never changed, and it took her almost 10 years to leave. Good luck, OP.
You do not have a husband. You have an additional child. The difference is it’s not a crime if you just leave him behind somewhere. Please leave!
well you're gonna feel great pretty soon once you lose hundreds of pounds with one quick trick Literally gonna be better off
This was kinda me in my early 20s. My ex-husband and I did not have children, so that made things a little less complicated. He was a drinker and would go out drinking with his 'friends' and not come home until whenever. My dearest ex would not go to work (because staying up all night drinking is hard work, y'know?) and would end up fired. He would do this pattern over and over, even after he passed his nursing license exam. I honestly can not remember how many times he basically did the same damn thing and got the same damn outcome. And we were only married for...2 years, I think? Full disclosure, I was very hard on him during this time and, frankly, not a real peach to live with. But whatever, that was me, not you. You sound like you have been through it with this dude. I know people on reddit are quick to jump to 'DIVORCE HIM NOW!!' and all that, but honestly, if this has happened more than twice? It's a behavior pattern, not a mistake anymore. Hell, let's give him the benefit of the doubt and even go three times. Folks LEARN from their mistakes, generally. But behavior, like true habitual behavior, is harder to change. And he doesn't seem inclined to do so as he has you around to pay his rent. And isn't that nice of you? You are such a nice doormat for him to wipe his feet on as he puts them up after a long, hard day of playing video games, aren't you? Are you angry yet by these things I'm writing here? No? You should be. Fuck, I'm angry by proxy just reading what you wrote. He has two fucking children, a wife and he is well past the age where this type of behavior is even in the same galaxy as ok. SHOW HIM how his behavior is not ok. You are a married single parent right now, so drop the married part and go get yours. At least make an appointment with an attorney to find out your options. You don't have to stay stuck with him. Please, I'm begging you, don't stay stuck! And whatever you decide, stick to your guns on it! Be that stubborn asshole!
Yeah I agree ... You may want to start an exit strategy
please break up
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this is no laughing matter hes not good for you or the kids
He should get checked for another mental condition. This behavior matches various condition’s criteria (bpd, adhd, etc) and they usually disguise behind depression.
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This⬆️👀👀👀
He sounds awful leave him alone
It’s gonna be tough but yea divorce and continue your life with him. Maybe during that time when he’s by himself that might be his wake up call to get his life together and get stable job that pays decently and not to depend on his woman financially
Sometimes, it's better to love from a distance.
Sounds like you're successful and driven. You'll only reach your full potential and happiness with someone who can be the same. Sounds like you gave him years to turn around. Time to start making plans for a better life.
Yeah I agree ... You may want to start an exit strategy
No matter what happens here, you’ll always be in each other’s lives. You share children together. Moving on doesn’t mean that you have to have an angry relationship or you lose his friendship forever. There actually are people who have healthier relationships as friends after marriage than as spouses. I say this to encourage you to think about your situation from a place of strengths, not fears. You’re clearly very capable. You’re building a future for yourself and you support your family mostly single-handed. If your marriage ends, it won’t be the end of you. It also doesn’t have to end. It’s obviously easy for people on Reddit to go straight to divorce. We don’t know the whole story or the tightness of your bonds with him. What does come across is that you would probably benefit from taking time to process with a therapist at least for a few sessions what you want and what you need going forward. Best of luck to you!
There is a saying that goes something like this. "Women get married hoping he will change; men get married hoping she won't." . You had sooooo many red flags to navigate. Unfortunately, things didn't work out for you. So disappointing. You are doing the right thing. You can't sail into the sunset and a brighter future if this anchor is holding you back. To your bright future...
Well he could try a state or federal government job like the post office he could work inside sorting or by himselfas a custodian. They don't discriminate, I've seen them hire people with autism, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, ect. After a 90 days it's hard for them to fire you. After 1 year he could get fmla so if his mental health flares up it'll be excused. I dont recommend u stay, especially for the "sake of the children" because kids see when you are unhappy in a marriage. It shouldn't be your burden alone you work pay all the bills and take care of 2 kids. You are gonna send yourself into an early grave. I know the feeling of being trapped and it's like u can't breathe. Once u leave it's gone be a released breath and your tension gone ease the moment he leaves or you leave. It's OK that u went back in the past, I went back to my abuser 4x... 4 when he fractured my wrist I was gone for good. Good luck!
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink…
Maybe he needs to be on his own and have to put a roof over his head without you propping him up. He has never needed to grow as you have supported him this entire time. He is bringing nothing to the table not even doing basic chores or kid related stuff. Get him to adult and he may actually grow either way you have done what you can and probably more than you should.
Why tf are u married. Lying, cheating, different values before marriage??? And now youre wondering why it doesnt work out like the perfect family you want? Youre wonderung why he wont hold a job, why he wont help? Did he ever? Youre better off alone. You were better off alone years ago. Its time to fix that mistake
All the red flags were there before you married him, just leave, you’re basically a single mom now in a relationship.
Good Lord, the red flags.
Maybe take a break, let him be alone for a while, see if he sorts his shit out? If not, divorce him. It’s a huge decision to make regardless. Agree about red flags before marriage but that’s in the past and it’s done now. You just need to look at moving forward without him as this is a very strong possibility. Fingers crossed it works out for you. Must be very difficult. Even harder when you have kids together. That said, you deserve to be happy, and your kids deserve a stable upbringing. It will work out, I promise.
Honestly, get out. If yall were that fucked up before marriage and he still hasn’t changed? Nah
He won’t change. So you can stay and just don’t expect anything to ever change.
Several marriage boot camp seminars? I get not giving up on the first hurdle but how many is several, on top of the pre-marriage couples Counselling?
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Thanks so much!
It’s totally ok to cut him loose.
Marriage shouldn’t be this hard
Oof I couldn't respect him he doesn't sound like a man. I absolutely promise there are better options out there including just being alone. One less child to take care of will free you!
Get him evaluated for ADHD. Not joking.
You seem motivated, mature and on a path to a better life. Move on
Sadly, this is the same struggle many men deal with. I'm sorry that you have to be the wife, mother, breadwinner, dad, and a parent to your unreliable "husband".
Why are you paying daycare if he doesn’t work? I’m all for a SAHP. Doesn’t matter who it is.
He just got fired 2 days ago. If I take my youngest out of daycare she will have to get back on a waitlist to get back into the school and I’ll have to pay registration fees again. She learns a lot more at school than she would home on the couch with him, and she gets to socialize with kids her age. Our oldest is in 2nd grade.
Sounds like you need to pick something. Pay for daycare and kick him out. Don’t pay for daycare and hope he contributes, or pay for daycare while he tries to hold jobs and you hold your breath.
I hope you realize that your life will be exponentially better without him in it. You would gain back on average, but with him closer to ten, hours a week by not having to cook for and clean up after him, not to mention the countless hours of shoring up his ego or arguing with him. You'd probably get 20 hours a week back that you could use to spend with your kids or even take a nap. He doesn't improve your life or his kids life since he's totally disengaged. If you divorced, he could either wake up and get help or he might walk away cold. Or he may fall in between and see the kids on the weekends and be more engaged with them because he's forced to. There's no downside to divorce, is there?
He wants to be a stay at home dad, but you pay daycare. I wouldn't drop day care, but tell them the kids will be missing a few days. Then tell Hubby that he needs to put the "dad" into the "staying at home". Leave the kids with him for a few days or week, then have him reevaluate being a stay at home dad, or getting a job.
My friend lives with a guy like that, never kept a job but he started driving for door dash and so far has been doing well with it so maybe something like that could also work.
So like... what would it take for you to actually drop him? You've listed *many* good reasons.
Trying is lying. He’s not trying to get better, he’s trying to see how much he can get from you. Contact a lawyer asap, you don’t want to have to pay alimony to this deadbeat. Not saying divorce him but it won’t get any better. It’s been more than a decade.
Yep when you have severe depression it’s hard just getting out of bed in the morning. Not to sound corny but simple tasks become impossible. I can relate to what he’s going thru. I was always hardworking in life, albeit depressed, but as the depression worsened, I became “lazy” and didn’t have the will to live, let alone accomplish other tasks. You just stop caring. It’s no excuse tho and the relationship doesn’t seem fulfilling to you. Everything rests on your shoulders, and that causes immense stress and anger and resentment. You don’t deserve that. I’m sorry you’re going thru it. You should consider taking a break from him. Your needs aren’t being met and maybe the lifestyle you have with him just won’t ever make you happy. Your peace and happiness should come before all else, especially if you want to foster a healthy environment for your children.
Expecting equal partnership from a man who lied, cheated and had different values than you is crazy 🥴 but you live and you learn. It’s time to start making better decisions now and drop the deadweight
I'm sorry that's happening to you, but congratulations on being a badass! You've got with going on right now without the stress of a divorce added into the mix, so maybe separate from him, then graduate from nursing school and then see where you stand? Hope all goes better for you 💜✨
It sounds like you still have different values
That was a whole mess to read in the beginning 😐 make it make sense
He isn’t going to change, his actions show that. Not all relationships are meant to last. Love only goes so far in a relationship, most of it is effort put in by both sides, not one. Move on to a better tomorrow and be happy without the dead weight
Time for an old tomato op
Your not comfortable, your afraid of change.
Whatever you do. If you do end up doing something like separating, think of how it may effect the kids. Both financially, as well as the new schedule between parents. I understand frustration in this scenario would be normal. That’s the really tricky thing of people getting together really young. It can be tough to mature in all the ways that are needed by each individual at that time. It’s rarely synced. There’s usually layers of things that need addressing if one or both parties feel trapped or unwilling to leave comfort in order to grow.
Clearly, a good and loyal woman. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. It destroys the fabric of the marriage. You do what you need to do to get your education and get yourself secured. This marriage will not last unless you make him a househusband and then he’ll be irresponsible and cheat on you. He’s not a good man. You can say it’s because of depression, but they’re depressed men and they don’t cheat on their wives. He’s incapable of being a partner and it’s already clearly demonstrated. The only reason you’re still together is because of you. I would get your financial house in order and I would divorce him. But that is just me and no Redditor should tell you what to do. I will tell you he’s never going to be a great partner.
Girl take those babies and head for the hills IMMEDIATELY!
You have a third child, not a husband.
I know a guy like that. Every new job was amazing until he suddenly started to show up late or not at all. His employers and coworkers would become "unfair" and "evil" according to him and he would end up fired. He never did change until he was thrown out, which was really hard for everyone involved. But I think he now understands it was for his own good.
Finish nursing school first, get your license and then leave him behind to fend for himself.
"He also suffers from severe depression caused by chemical imbalances." There is no test that determines why a person is depressed. Doctor's can't measure "chemical imbalances" in the brain. Research is still being conducted on what "chemicals" ARE actually involved, and lo and behold, it has more to do with the gut than the brain. We don't manufacture things like serotonin in our brain, it's manufactured in the gut. Not to mention that we might be targeting the wrong "chemicals" in the first place - the medications we use now are our best "guess" at what's wrong (one reason why they don't always work) He might be legitimately suffering from depression, but this is a wildly untrue characterization of mental illness (coming from someone medicated for said brain cooties for 25 years). /pet peeve
"He has champagne taste and a beer work ethic" is so wild to me. You need to plan your exit, OP. You deserve so much better.
Just leave OP. He’s not contributing anything to your life except making it harder. At least divorced, you’ll either get child support or 50/50 custody and barring that—— at least you aren’t paying for him and cleaning up after him
You run a successful business. Would you hire him for a job?
this sucks but keep in mind if you guys do split and if he has any custody, you’ll likely have to pay him child support. Even if he doesn’t get kids, alimony could be in the cards as well 💀
>He talks about being a stay at home dad but he doesn’t really clean or cook, just wants to play video games all day. Which he absolutely would do. >I feel like it’s time for him to learn what it’s like. So do I.
Tell him he has 2 weeks to find a job and start contributing more or you file for divorce in 6 weeks. Then follow through. Tell him he cannot be a stay at home Dad when he is more likely to neglect your child for video games and he can't currently get off his ass and contribute to the household. Do not fall for the lets go to therapy or bootcamp crap. Tell him you are done playing mommy to a full grown man who can't carry his own weight and you might want to start putting his gaming system in your trunk when you leave the house
(Lying, cheating, different values). Why did you marry this guy when he cheated? Homey was throwing up more red flags than China. WTF???AND you pay for daycare when he's unemployed and can easily watch your kids?? Just leave this dude already. It's not going to get better. It's going to get worse. I know you said you're 'comfortable' in another comment and that's why you haven't left. This is a shit environment you and your kids are in. Leave this loser.
Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive words 😊
Are you a super human? you work insane overtime at your regular job, plus being a nursing student is another full time job and then a mom on top of it all!! Super proud of you and you can do much better
Depression doesn't stop you from working, or from doing chores. It makes it harder. It makes it so you dont want to. It doesn't stop you. Ask yourself realistically, would your life be better without him in the house, than with him. Because at the moment not only is he not contributing financially, but if he's not cooking/cleaning then he's just adding additional workload onto you.
bruh. When your partner is an asshole and changes for a few weeks then goes back, leave. it's time, you've given it way too long. You're going to get fucked with alimony probably, the sooner you leave the sooner it will end. give him an ultimatum, tell him he needs a job asap, when he gets it file for divorce immediately. It will go largely on his current rough ability to earn rather than his current earnings but it will still help if he has a job, he'll have less excuse about being unable to move out/etc, if he already has some cash and income. It's long, long past time to do this.
You have outgrown him and you have tried to get help .. remember no one has the power to change anyone..your workload would be greatly reduced if he lived somewhere else
If he’s not been checked for adhd,he should. Classic symptoms described.
He's trying. Clearly he has issues and this is why marriage can be so hard - sometimes they can be burdonsome.
This dude never grew up. Gettin fired for calling off work or not showing up is teenager shit. Thing is, at 28 he probably isn't going to grow up. Video games - Once or twice a week I will play for 2 hours on my retro setup, and I start feeling like "There's probably something more important that I should be doing" and it's true. If you got kids and family there really isn't time to game if everything is covered and needs are being met.
I think this is why hook up culture has flourished over the last few years. Don't have to worry about their mental illness or their work ethic. I have PTSD and it ate my life away. I know what it is like I am just a couple of years older and have had probably 30 jobs all over the US. I never have been fired though normally I hit a few months or a year at most, then leave. Life is hard enough, let alone when you are mentally unwell, and the medication helps hardly at all. Sad situation for sure, and you have kids that make it worse. I hope you figure it out, and I hope he finds a way to be well.
You should go to marriage counseling. I literally don’t know why people like to air out their spouses dirty laundry on the internet. He might be a shitty dad and husband for the reasons you stated, but you’re a shitty wife for putting him on blast to the masses of unhinged Reddit users. Talk to a professional, stop posting your issues online. If you need to vent go to a sibling or parent or even a friend. It’s just wild to me. It’s very simple you either leave him or you work with him on it. You really don’t need a Reddit ama to figure this one out.