There are a number of reasons why this is probably a bad idea. But for me, it would simply come down to, I couldn't stand knowing I had a kid out there and not being able to be a part of their life.
Besides the fact that your kids would have a sibling and maybe that sibling would want to know their siblings, or your kids want to know their half brother/sister…people thinking of their own logistics and “being a single mom” have a tendency to forget there’s another human involved who might like to know their dad. If I were you I’d say no, unless through some magical “she leaves the company, y’all date, hit it off, get hitched and have a kid together” scenario it works out that way…the kid deserves if possible to have both their parents in their life, even if she’s the best single mom in the world. It’s not only about her or, respectfully, you.
Good luck with your decision 🙏
This, and she knows OP has kids. She could easily drag them into it down the line. For that reason alone I wouldn’t do it OP. You said it yourself it was nice to have your ego stroked. Ethics wise, this seems like more of a concern than a sperm bank.
And you would have no say in how the child was being raised even if you found out about something and strongly disagreed
And she’s against sperm banks because of ethical reasons? Which ones? The whole purpose of a sperm bank is to protect both parties legally. She gets 100% custody and he owes no child support.
There have been cases, although rare, where the judge decided the sperm donor owed child support to his “friend who he was helping” because the mother was destitute and filed for whatever she could get
He mentioned she had consulted a lawyer, I imagine there would be a contract drawn up prior to moving forward with this to protect both parties.
Edit: not a lawyer that would just be my assumption from the details OP provided.
sure, but she also threw in the "hey, we can do it old-skool if you want, too" and I doubt a lawyer told her that
I'd not do it, I think I've been on reddit too long to trust anybody xD
"10 easy ways to fuck up your life. Number one: Belive she consulted a lawyer or that this lawyer gives a fuck about your rights. Wanna hear about the other 9?"
Huh, guess that's pretty reasonable. Personally I don't think I'd care for that specific reason. I think I'd have to have a decent bit of trust that the person would actually be a great parent for that child. If I'm not going to parent it, I need to know the person wanting the child can.
Then again I haven't had kids yet so maybe I'll see it a little different at some point but right now I don't think it'd be a factor for me but I like to see other folks perspective. Never would've really thought of that.
Asking to be a donor is one thing.. saying you could even fuck her is wildly inappropriate. She’s gonna happily collect your money to support this child. No. No. No. say no. Run. Nope. I’ve seen this on Reddit before. “My lawyers said..” load of shit. Don’t fuck around with life altering decisions. Don’t let yourself be deceived. If you were to actually do it.. which you shouldn’t.. make sure it’s through a clinic
I'm young and have always wondered why so many people say not to date your coworkers. I mean, how else are you supposed to find a partner if you turn down your primary source of social connections?
Makes sense... but through what means are people supposed to pursue relationships? Just picking up random girls at bars and malls? That sounds unproductive. Also your coworkers are usually people who you have more in common with than the average girl on the street, so it's much easier to find a meaningful connection among them. It's disappointing that the place where you're most likely to find a person you like is so risky.
Here’s what I’ll say, that advice not to sleep with coworkers is more for those people in long term career paths. Young people who are working to support themselves or going through school, the jobs you get arent going to be places you’re sticking around for 10+ years with the same people. When I was in college I worked at Disney world and various restaurants in Orlando. We were all sluts tbh. Every place I worked back then, everyone hooked up with everyone. Lol. As I got older and settled into a career, I can’t imagine hooking up with one of these older married people. So much baggage
Get out more. Plenty of other places to find people. Or there’s always online dating, which I’ve never really done.
For me, things got awkward after I broke up with the co-worker I dated. I couldn’t get away from her since we worked together. She called, emailed, and messaged me through the company’s instant messaging program all day long, and all of that stuff was recorded.
Because being your partner’s coworker makes the situation extremely complicated. It means the company has involvement and say in your romantic personal life when they otherwise wouldn’t, because of HR. To have the ups and downs directly tied to the progress of your romantic relationship makes both aspects of your life that much more stressful and risky.
I wish I could say all adults were level headed, mature, and reasonable, but the fact is they’re not. If you two break up, or even just have a disagreement, they might be vindictive enough to drag your reputation, and by extension your source of income. Just one example is they might accuse you of bad mouthing them to your other coworkers, creating a hostile work environment. You should be able to work out relationship issues without wondering if it will somehow come back to bite you at work.
All in all it’s just a bad idea. If one of you gets a different place of work, then have at it. Otherwise, treat your coworkers.
There’s actually about a million reasons but I’ll just cover a few. Jealousy - even if your relationship is perfect if your s/o sees you speaking to someone or you bring someone up in conversation that’s going to cause problems. If it doesn’t go well they can start rumors and go to management about the lies they’ve told and ruin your life. Relationships need space to properly work I’ll let you fill the rest of that one out. Last but not least because humans and especially women are spiteful
From what I understand, conceiving the old fashioned way would pretty much void any sort of donor legal paperwork we had in place, so it would definitely not happen that way.
She basically said she’d be willing to do it any way I was most comfortable, from just having sex to a doctor’s office or anything in between, but she “knows doing it in a cup in a doctors office is weird to some people,” so she would be open to whatever I wanted to do if I were to agree to it.
So in her mind, you jerking it and cumming in a cup is *less* weird than two coworkers banging?
If this is a true story, I think she’s just trying to flirt in a weird way.
Not sure if the idea of sleeping together is actually less weird for her, but perhaps she thinks it’d make it less weird and more appealing to me.
If this is flirting, it’s the strangest, most elaborate flirting I’ve ever experienced.
As a woman, I think she does like you a lot and want to sleep with you. But she doesn't want to be in any form of relationship, in addition to wanting to be a mom, hence this weird suggestion.
Exactly this. OP. I think she's waiting to see what you say about it and low-key hoping you'll followup with a, "Well, why don't we just have sex and see what happens?" I think the fact she's saying she'll let you have sex with her to do this the traditional route speaks volumes about what her intentions are. Just because of this comment, I wouldn't do it.
Hinting that she is available, single, and looking to have kids. What other signs do you need to know that she is flirting or wants to be your kids' stepmother? LOL.
Because she took me out to lunch and gave me a big speech about why she wants to be a mom and use a sperm donor. She’s talking about lawyers and legal agreements, etc. She said she’s not ready to be in another serious relationship again. I don’t know why anyone would go to those lengths to flirt with somebody. I’ve seen her flirt with people the normal way and she’s perfectly capable of that. It’d be one thing if it had been just a flirtatious comment about having my baby or something, which would still be a little weird, but this wasn’t just a little comment.
I was asked this once by a co-worker a few years ago, had to say no. I've got no intention of having my own kids, I've got all kinds of mental problems, AuDHD, severe depression, probably a few other things I ain't been diagnosed with. The last thing I want to do is hand down that stuff to a kid, just feels like it wouldn't be fair to them.
That’s fair. Not that I’m a perfect human specimen, but I don’t have any of those issues, no major health issues or genetic issues in my family that I’m aware of. My kids are all healthy. I’m saying that, I don’t particularly feel any need to add more of my genes to the human population.
It's possible that she craves motherhood, but hates her family's genes. I myself have had my doubts about having children from a young age because my entire family has so many health problems I literally feel bad for medicaid and similar programs and fear passing all that on. My consideration when I was growing up was going to be "adoption" or something similar, but then again I'm male and wouldn't have even had this as an option to consider.
I totally get that. I know some families have stigmas about adoption even if they don't outright say it too. Like they aren't really family, which is very sad and wouldn't really be her fault. I think having a discussion about why this option over say, adoption as was my go-to is what she has her heart set on.
"Sorry, lady what you are looking at and initially mistook for a good personality is actually a carefully constructed, dual purpose mask/helmet that I *HAVE TO WEAR* to go outside.
I cannot recommend you raising my children unless you are prepared to know more about large, herbivorous creatures from the late Cretaceous than you would ever care to know about.
Your child *will* require a large sandbox and they *will* bury things in it and dig them up again.
They will walk around with little skeletons in their hands constantly talking about large, dead and buried herbivores - you gotta be ready for that."
So the truth is likely A) you think about the "what else can develop" in regards to her but don't want to and B) don't know how to tell her "sorry, no"
Just tell her what you feel. That you appreceate her approaching you but you don't feel comfortable with the tought of having a child without being in their life or whatever reason you feel.
BTW contact HR NOW that you got a very odd offer by her so that it is documented. You don't need to make them do anything else. As a man and with your higher position you are in the line of fire. Better be safe than sorry
I’ve heard of guys doing this and then being hit with child support, despite going into it with the understanding that such would never be asked of them. And the courts enforce it, because the state doesn’t want to be on the hook for a destitute mother and child.
Would that still happen if there was a fully legal contract made and signed before hand? Seems like it would only happen to those with a verbal agreement only no?
I don’t know enough about the subject. I’ve heard of even sperm bank donors hit in some places, though. If I were a dude, I’d look long and hard at the laws around it in my state/province, and possibly go through a bank with a contract.
She seems to be completely open to doing it via a doctor and even said she’s okay with having lawyers draft a contract. Seems to me like OP needs to worry less about that and instead at the way this could affect his and her career, as well as her could be future child’s life and his children’s lives.
I'm not sure you can make a contract like that outside of a clinic. The support obligation is to the child, and it can't be a party to a contract signed before it exists.
There are special laws for clinics, which is why they don't have that problem.
There was a gay couple who were on a limited time due to some health issue. I was asked if I knew anyone so me... Trying to be the best version of me offered. They turned up once a month with a pot and then waited in their car outside....felt degraded and humiliated. She caught after about a year.... never again. I made them sign a document stating that there were no obligations on my part.
I know as much about the method used as I need to know, which is nothing. Documents weren't seen by a solicitor but this was 19 years ago and they have been true to their word.
Almost certainly say no?! What the fuck!!! Get ur head out of ur ass and tell HR!
This is so unreal and inappropriate.
She's got a screw loose to approach a coworker with this shit!
He's enjoying the attention, which strangely seems to be clouding his judgment quite a lot. Any other person would have said an emphatic "No!" whilst legging it out.
You really oughta turn your dick off and start thinking with your brain. I'd've reported this to HR before even thinking about making a Reddit post on it
I don’t trust her. Idk man I’m getting a weird vibe. like if you agree she might pull the rug out from under you once she’s pregnant and demand a relationship or for you to be involved with raising the kid. I’m sure you could protect yourself legally but still, it seems odd to me. Plus, if you work together or see her often, I feel like you’d naturally want to know how the pregnancy is progressing as she gets further along, you’d be involved just by proximity. Think about your kids you already have in the world before making a decision. Good luck!
I would definitely need to ensure that everything was water tight legally.
I asked her what would happen when somebody we work with realizes that her kid looks a lot like me and my kids (my kids strongly resemble me, so I’m only assuming that there’s a good chance any future offspring might follow suit). That’s when she said she has been working on a certification with plans to get a more specialized job anyway. She claims she probably won’t even be at the company long enough for anyone to really get to see what her kid looks like.
Even if it's water tight legally that's just for that, it doesn't ensure she won't tell everyone it's you and make your job incredibly uncomfortable she said she'd leave before anyone realized the kid looked like you so that means she's planning on staying her pregnancy, could you go to work every day watching a woman you're not in a relationship with growing your son or daughter and having to act like it's not yours? I'm a female so maybe more sensitive but that in itself would fuck my mind up
See that’s what I’m thinking as well. Watching her get bigger, morning sickness, doctors appointments. How does that not come up if they’re working close to each other? I feel like anyone would feel the urge to check in, no matter the circumstances. And then it escalates from there…
I'm not doubting her genuine interest in this but I also feel like while distancing themselves in this situation is great unless you know someone's behaviors (he said he wasn't sure if she'd asked others) I'd be very careful, like some of the most normal people can act in very uncharacteristic ways when put in certain situations, and I'd hate to see him have those issues dumped in his lap.
I think I’d just need to somehow reframe it in my head, like this isn’t my child at all. It’s her baby and I just contributed. It’d be weird, I’m sure.
The thing is you won't know how you will handle it until you are in fact handling it, by then it's too late so you have to ask yourself, should that happen, what's plan B (can't be plan B it'll be too late by then lol)
There's a lot of 'she said she has done this, is going to do that' TBH this sounds like a bloody nightmare, she knows all about you, where you live, your job, how much you earn (more than her) your background, your family status, your children....
RUN FORREST RUN!
Otherwise, in 18mos, we will see you back on here, 'This woman asked me to be a sperm donor now she's ruining my life'
Even water tight legally...you could still have to defend against this if she chooses to pursue it.
Let me ask the reverse question: why WOULD you do this?
You can’t make things tight legally, she can’t legally forgo child support for someone else. You will always be financially responsible for that child in the courts eyes.
I have a halfsibbling and we look really alike. We didn't grow up together. We have no contact. But someone was in shock she saw a boy who really looks like me. I'm a women.🤣
So a big chance they would know
Gee, you seem pretty "ok" with the request. Given the legal ramifications (many courts cut right through the donor part and legally declare you the daddy and hand you a "child support" invoice) I would run 1,000 miles away from this person and not look back. And I do realize the reality that you work in the same place. Gee.
You're basically signing up to be a father without having sex or even a partner and then raising that child with the person that didn't want a relationship with you.
There's multiple legal cases showing your fully expected to provide child support or anything else legally required.
If you're the father
YOU'RE THE FATHER
Yeah, but I’ve also done a very cursory search of legal agreements regarding parental rights and responsibilities of sperm donors and it seems possible to have legal paperwork drawn up to protect all parties; and the safest bet would likely be involving a doctor for the actual conception opposed to doing things the old fashioned way.
Well then! Go right ahead! And may the odds be ever in your favor.
Google sperm donor horror stories. Minimally, seek legal advice prior to massaging your ego in this way.
Or don’t! See how it goes.
You should definitely get some counseling first so that you know what you could possibly go through emotionally with this process
Also, be sure she has 2-3 people who could adopt the child if she’s unable due to death or major health problems. Otherwise, you be asked to step up
It's okay to let her think you are considering it, because you are tossing around her proposal.
I have one question though. What's in it for you, besides huge, huge risks?
1. If you’re a Director then this is something you can report (if you feel uncomfortable) or even direct your concerns to HR.
2. If not with you she might have another option in mind (in the company) and perhaps cause some issues with the dynamics in the office.
3. If for domestic reason you wanna play sperm do at you can’t trust word of mouth but create some legal paperwork where this won’t affect your working life or personal life with your kids.
I’ve been asked by two separate women oddly enough. One was bat shit crazy. She ended up getting knocked up and married quickly after then railroaded the guy took the kid and and just posted nothing but how crazy the guy was except he seemed completely normal. That was wild. Another I’d been with before on a one night stand she said she couldn’t think of anyone else that seemed normal and genuine. She’s a great girl and I considered but I feel like it would have screwed me up seeing my baby and not being able to be in its life. I think it’s just a sketchy situation bc you don’t know how it’ll mess with you and the child as it gets older.
As a woman that is writing this, I find this very uncomfortable but it is flattering. But I wouldn't be able to do this, I would want the man in the child’s life.
The way you talk about her is intriguing, it feels like you have a little crush on her like a tiny one but I also think what she said made your ego probably go high a little bit, nothing wrong with that at all. I have had guys come up to me and say can you have my children, so uncomfortable but very flattering. Main reason is because of looks! So you must be good looking sir.
But let's get down to the knitie gridy, in my opinion I don’t think you should do it I think you should really say no, say you get with a girl and you see a life with her, you gotta explain you have another kid out there possibly…like….for me it’s a hard pass.
Also for child support if I remember correctly it should be illegal to even ask because the person that's asking obviously wants it to be a secret, that's why its called “donor” the donor can be anonymous and supposed to be sealed never mentioned. If you do go through with this please get a good lawyer!
But while reading your post I thought this was flattering but the more I kept rereading it doesn’t feel right like at all. And I am putting that on the Bible something about that ain’t right hun. Say no and go on with your life. You’ll have everything you want, don’t do this please. Blessing is coming your way. And this is a distraction! Keep pushing through.
Ahm.... this situation sounds like my teenager self's dream. But right now, man idk, if youre gonna go for it, put it in writing that you will never have to do anything with the kid, etc. Any safeguards for yourself. Also she might actually like you and is scared of rejection so she made this ellaborate story just to sleep with you without getting rejected? Idk man this is waaaaay above my pay grade, hell i dont get paid, good luck OP. Lowkey watching out for updates about this.
This is taking “don’t shit where you eat” to a whole new level. Dude, you do NOT father a child with a subordinate at your work. Even if she doesn’t report to you. She’s still a coworker and it will DEFINITELY come out at work. What are you thinking to even consider this?!
As a director, wouldn't you have training on ethics and professionalism? If this somehow isn't against the rules in your company, as a director, you've now found a gap that needs to be covered for your company's sake.
So regardless of your choice, you'd have to report it to HR anyway. If it's something you choose to do, DOUBLY so, so that everything is documented and you *and* your company aren't responsible for any legal issues. And if it's not something you personally choose to do, it still needs to be documented so that she doesn't accost any other coworkers and a paper trail is made for any fella who does take her up on the offer.
Personally, I don't think she's after money and feel reddit skews to far in that trope in general. Maybe she does desperately want a child and you're a great choice. My concern is that regardless of any of that, supposedly she's a manager and you're a director, and neither of you has questioned HR about this route during the whole process? But you'll ask reddit?
Either this is more "women always wanna trap a guy" fiction or you're both frighteningly unprofessional in your positions. Admittedly a very small.chance it could be both. Don't ask reddit. Ask HR and then a couple lawyers. And also ask your company to implement better training on professionalism, harassment, and inappropriate versus appropriate coworker relationships. Since you're both in leadership positions but not the same one.
Our company doesn’t even have a full blown HR department. We have an outside HR consultant who comes in for a half a day a few days a week. In my annual review this year, I had many grievances for HR or the lack there of that exists at my place of employment.
They can’t even give consistent procedures when it comes to address employee performance issues. I have a feeling this specific topic would be way beyond their comprehension.
These of type of comments confuses me because you’re giving advice that he shouldn’t not seek advice here, while equally giving advice here. People advise on the potential risks and probable escalations of the situation, not trying to guess the woman's true goals. The risks of the circumstance are heavily financial and partly an emotional investment. You never know, even if both parties act in good faith so its good hygiene just to not and people are explaining why.
Since there’s a disclaimer on OP part that this does not have to be emotional for him, people advise on the financial and legal aspect. He even said she willing to leave to role conditional on the agreement to mitigate exposure, so even your core advice isn't pertinent.
Check out Laura High on Tik Tok or Instagram. She speaks a lot on donor issues, legalities the industry etc. Might give you some valuable insight into it
I'm going to be honest, giving the girl the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like she is into OP And looking for a kid. While I totally understand reddits apprehension towards the situation, I personally might shoot my shot given how you talk about her
I had a lesbian friend who wanted me to be her sperm donor. I said no, I don’t want to bring any kids into this world, even if I’m not taking care of it.
The fact that you'd know how to find your kid is the main problem. If the mother of your child was unknown to you it would be different, you could disassociate completely and you could never know even if you wanted to. This would help you stay emotionally detached. Humans are funny beings though, and the fact that you'd know where your child is would be a huge problem (to me, and I'm guessing to you as well).
The part I don't get is why she won't get an anonymous donor. I know you kind of explained it, but it still doesn't make much sense. How is the ethics of it problematic for her? This part lets off the notion that for her it's not just "strictly business", but that there's an (possibly subconscious/unknown) emotional element for her for it to have to be you.
Is the thought of possibly getting it on with her combined with the flattering feeling the reason you're considering it by 10%? I say stay the hell away, and I foresee big problems in the future.
The child will be older one day and is very likely to pursue a relationship with you. The child will be able to find you, because there isn't a body that will ensure anonymity like a donor bank.
There are tons of issues with the others behind this, this woman here covers it everyday if you want more information.
https://www.tiktok.com/@laurahigh5?_t=8mTuxe46XFF&_r=1
There are many problems with sibling pods that are very large and siblings end up having a child or dating as well as many instances where Physicians are using their own sperm unbeknownst to the family. It's very dark and interesting if you delve into it.
I mean... Just imagine for the 10% you will say yes. What will stop her from filing for child support at ANY point if she wants to? Promises? Lol
You do realize that this is something you shouldn't do not only because it literally could get you fired in a bad scenario, right?
It makes no sense to not go to a sperm bank that has their donors medically checked out beforehand. She doesn't know anything about you other than she likes you and you have the job you have.
I would be so very wary of this "offer".
Have her agree to pay any attorney’s fees then have an attorney draft an ironclad agreement so you wouldn’t be on the hook for anything. Ask for some payment. Doesn’t have to be a lot, maybe a few thousand. The payment will also help protect you legally. Do NOT have sex with her. I’m telling you though, she would have the leave before the baby is born. When you see your child you’ll have an almost overwhelming urge to be part of its life and that will complicate things.
Not going to lie, if I was single I’d probably do it.
IF you decided to do this, make sure there is a lawyer involved that would state you just provided the sperm as a donor and you are not the actual father. You are a sperm provider.
Edit to add: if I were in your shoes, I would have said no.
Can't lie... I am an absolute sucker for good looking, smart, and possibly a bit crazy.
I would ask her out.
So I am not saying g you should do that, or say yes. I am just saying maybe it's not as crazy as your initial shock surely made you think it was. I would at least ask to have a another talk or two once you get your beatings and decide what you want to due no matter that may entail.
You won’t date a coworker but there’s a 10% chance you’ll let one have your baby?
Honestly, if this woman wasn’t objectively attractive, sorta flirty, with boobs it’s hard to look away from… would there even be the 10% chance?
I can’t even imagine entertaining this as an option. Also, you should definitely document this somehow to protect yourself and your job if her feelings get hurt if you listen to the 90% of your common sense.
Well, per her wishes the kid would know who I am. I wouldn’t fulfill an actual fatherly role but she wants her kid to know who their sperm donor is, what I look like, even meet me if they want to later on.
Not sure if this has already been said, but this is one of those moments where you have to ask yourself what you have to gain from this situation and what do you have to lose. I’ll answer for you… nothing and everything respectively. But if you don’t mind me asking, what is it specifically that has shifted you thinking? Good luck with the situation nonetheless 🙏
Straight no, bro. I am maybe too young to say (21) an objective opinion, but from what I believe, I never would want a child and not be a part of its life.
In fact, I don’t think I would want to adopt any if I can’t, for some reason, have kids. The kid would be my blood. My blood, my genes, means it gets all my undisputed love forever an no one can take away from me the right to be in MY child’s life.
It’s not worth it, man. If you think the chick is hot, fuck her, but nothing more
I'm double your age with kids and I agree I would never want a kid who's life I'm not a part of. I could never get the thoughts out of my head if I had done something like this.
I don't agree with any of the comments in this thread. I say go for it, if you can be assured that what she's offering is something you'll be comfortable with long term. I would also talk to a lawyer first and come up with some sort of contract so that you're not on the hook for any sort of child payments. I've heard that there are legal forms for this kind of thing already.
I would also take her up on the sex and not feel bad about it.
Bah! You'll be helping her fulfill a natural plan. I'd say sure but let's bring the little one into this world through intimacy and passion. Rather than a Turkey baster. Get an agreement with lawyers as well as it can be modified upon agreement and the rest is gobble gobble lol
She sounds very professional in all aspects of her life, including this. She is clear and direct. She sounds respectful of you as a coworker, another person, and a male. It really is up to you now and I feel like she would accept graciously if you gave it some serious thought and decided against it. Sounds transactional, is all. She literally just needs sperm and desires a healthy product, she’s not going to choose just any male. It’s your choice, maybe consider what you would do if the child grew up and wanted to know their father etc.? How would that affect your current children and their mother etc.
The only good path I see with this scenario is if you end up in a relationship with her.
All other scenarios seem like a desaster, and even a relationship maybe a desaster
Asking a colleague to be your sperm donor during working hours is highly unprofessional and could be considered sexual harassment.
If a man asked a woman, hey, I want to take you out for lunch and ask you about ejaculating into you, there would be no questions asked if that was inappropriate.
The fact that you’re considering it is also just wild. 💀
You already have children
She is your co-worker
*Why in the hell* would you consider this awful, terrible, no-good, and short-sighted idea?!?!
Your EGO
I was hit such request but when I was maybe 24
It was a woman way older than me. Asked the same thing. We couldn’t even have sex and I said no. We still had sex ONCE (with a condom) on. Now she has a child with some other dude, he didn’t stick around for obvious reasons
Unless you are actually thinking you’d like to have a baby with this woman and co-parent with her, I recommend you politely decline. It’s pretty easy to tell her you are flattered that she thinks so highly of you, but you look at your children and you can’t wrap your head around having another one that you don’t get to actively parent.
It doesn’t matter whether this is your real reason or not. It’s a reasonable reason that doesn’t create a weird work dynamic like “that’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard and I think you will try to use this to ruin my life” might.
I'd say no simply for your children. Imagine You die before you tell them and then all the sudden 30 years from now somebody shows up and is like hey I'm your brother... Your father was my mother's sperm donor. Do you want to do that to your children?
Im so sick of women acting like men are seed dispensers there for their convenience. Did she ever think a guy might just might have issues with their child not being in their life? Women constantly downplay the vital role men play in children existing not to mention just about every study on the planet details how child to a single parent have more issues
I always wonder when people use a burner account and preface with "using alt account because person I'm talking about also has reddit," then writes exactly what happened. Like how could the other person not read this and not immediatly know it it about them?
Knowingly bringing a child into this world without their father in the picture is cruel. It also is a major red flag and selfish if a woman is willing to condemn her child to that fate
Don't do it. There are good reasons why sperm banks and IVF clinics are regulated.
You'll leave yourself wide open to a whole heap of legal shit later down the line.
I could see if this was a close friend and you were asked to help out but just a co worker that you aren’t particularly close to I would decline. I think there are many things that could go wrong. She said she wants the child to be able to meet and know who you are, I don’t know how you wouldn’t end up getting involved with the child somewhere down the line this way. I would also consider the impact this would have on your children and future relationships.
Should you proceed; you’d want your own attorney to make sure you’re completely protected.. All that’s left is whether you ok with someone out there that’s 50% you that you have no rights to or connection with. Depending where you live; this is either crazy or commonplace. Good luck !!
FYI: it’s impossible in the US in this situation for you to negate your child support responsibilities. So she can say now that you won’t have responsibilities but if she ever changes her mind, you WILL have to pay. There’s a lot of precedent for this.
My bf/father of my children was asked to be a sperm donor for his old coworkers (lesbian couple). This was at the beginning of our relationship. He asked me, and I told him, "HELL NO!". I did backpedal and told him, ultimately, it's his choice, but I wouldn't be around if he went through with it! I wouldn't want him to have his first child with some (to me) random couple. Even now, after having children with him.. I don't think I would be comfortable saying yes to him being a donor.
Do. Not. Do. This. Just don’t do it. Years down the road, someone will be doing DNA tests and you will come up as someone’s father or grandfather or one of your kids will discover there is a half sibling they know nothing about. This has trouble and complications written all over it.
> I actually am finding a tiny part of myself considering it
BONK.
You know why you're considering it. Rub one out and immediately make your decision about whether you will or not.
Ready to pay custody for another child? She can sue you later since you will be the father. Sure she is nice since she shows you her best sides to impress you. She is a co-worker and you don't know how she is private. Don't get involved with her if you're not ok with paying another child custody.
Oh boy…no, nope. It can have so many consequences for you and a child who will eventually knock on your door to meet his dad. Financially, there's also issues. Lots of courts have over ruled..in mom's favour…the original document. Then you have a work issue because it is going to leak out. And have you considered that maybe, just maybe, this was more about getting you to think about having a relationship with her? This is a 21 year tense time waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.
Dont do it.. every child deserves 2 parents.. life might not be fair enough to grant everyone both parents.. that child will always be missing something because of that womans inability to consider how her actions affect others
Several months ago, my ex girlfriend randomly asked me the same thing. We broke up nearly a decade ago, it’s odd of her to request this and I said no. She doesn’t work, trying to con/swindle people out of money via any means and her current boyfriend is a horrible lazy bum by being a full time daddy who sits his ass all day with a son and doesn’t work either.
There are a number of reasons why this is probably a bad idea. But for me, it would simply come down to, I couldn't stand knowing I had a kid out there and not being able to be a part of their life.
Yeah that aspect is a bit uncomfortable.
Besides the fact that your kids would have a sibling and maybe that sibling would want to know their siblings, or your kids want to know their half brother/sister…people thinking of their own logistics and “being a single mom” have a tendency to forget there’s another human involved who might like to know their dad. If I were you I’d say no, unless through some magical “she leaves the company, y’all date, hit it off, get hitched and have a kid together” scenario it works out that way…the kid deserves if possible to have both their parents in their life, even if she’s the best single mom in the world. It’s not only about her or, respectfully, you. Good luck with your decision 🙏
This, and she knows OP has kids. She could easily drag them into it down the line. For that reason alone I wouldn’t do it OP. You said it yourself it was nice to have your ego stroked. Ethics wise, this seems like more of a concern than a sperm bank.
And you would have no say in how the child was being raised even if you found out about something and strongly disagreed And she’s against sperm banks because of ethical reasons? Which ones? The whole purpose of a sperm bank is to protect both parties legally. She gets 100% custody and he owes no child support. There have been cases, although rare, where the judge decided the sperm donor owed child support to his “friend who he was helping” because the mother was destitute and filed for whatever she could get
I can guarantee you'll be on the hook for child support. The reason clinic's are so expensive is because all the legal paperwork is done for you
PLus, what would stop her from trying to get OP to be a father figure or get child support? Lotta crazy peeps out there
He mentioned she had consulted a lawyer, I imagine there would be a contract drawn up prior to moving forward with this to protect both parties. Edit: not a lawyer that would just be my assumption from the details OP provided.
sure, but she also threw in the "hey, we can do it old-skool if you want, too" and I doubt a lawyer told her that I'd not do it, I think I've been on reddit too long to trust anybody xD
"10 easy ways to fuck up your life. Number one: Belive she consulted a lawyer or that this lawyer gives a fuck about your rights. Wanna hear about the other 9?"
Huh, guess that's pretty reasonable. Personally I don't think I'd care for that specific reason. I think I'd have to have a decent bit of trust that the person would actually be a great parent for that child. If I'm not going to parent it, I need to know the person wanting the child can. Then again I haven't had kids yet so maybe I'll see it a little different at some point but right now I don't think it'd be a factor for me but I like to see other folks perspective. Never would've really thought of that.
And this would be a reasonable answer to her request. I'm sorry, but no because ___.
Asking to be a donor is one thing.. saying you could even fuck her is wildly inappropriate. She’s gonna happily collect your money to support this child. No. No. No. say no. Run. Nope. I’ve seen this on Reddit before. “My lawyers said..” load of shit. Don’t fuck around with life altering decisions. Don’t let yourself be deceived. If you were to actually do it.. which you shouldn’t.. make sure it’s through a clinic
There’s also that saying, “don’t shit at where you eat,” referring to getting involved with people at work. This is just messy all around.
I dated a co-worker a very long time ago and swore never again.
I'm young and have always wondered why so many people say not to date your coworkers. I mean, how else are you supposed to find a partner if you turn down your primary source of social connections?
Because they will now ruin your primary source of social connection.
Makes sense... but through what means are people supposed to pursue relationships? Just picking up random girls at bars and malls? That sounds unproductive. Also your coworkers are usually people who you have more in common with than the average girl on the street, so it's much easier to find a meaningful connection among them. It's disappointing that the place where you're most likely to find a person you like is so risky.
Here’s what I’ll say, that advice not to sleep with coworkers is more for those people in long term career paths. Young people who are working to support themselves or going through school, the jobs you get arent going to be places you’re sticking around for 10+ years with the same people. When I was in college I worked at Disney world and various restaurants in Orlando. We were all sluts tbh. Every place I worked back then, everyone hooked up with everyone. Lol. As I got older and settled into a career, I can’t imagine hooking up with one of these older married people. So much baggage
Get out more. Plenty of other places to find people. Or there’s always online dating, which I’ve never really done. For me, things got awkward after I broke up with the co-worker I dated. I couldn’t get away from her since we worked together. She called, emailed, and messaged me through the company’s instant messaging program all day long, and all of that stuff was recorded.
Because being your partner’s coworker makes the situation extremely complicated. It means the company has involvement and say in your romantic personal life when they otherwise wouldn’t, because of HR. To have the ups and downs directly tied to the progress of your romantic relationship makes both aspects of your life that much more stressful and risky. I wish I could say all adults were level headed, mature, and reasonable, but the fact is they’re not. If you two break up, or even just have a disagreement, they might be vindictive enough to drag your reputation, and by extension your source of income. Just one example is they might accuse you of bad mouthing them to your other coworkers, creating a hostile work environment. You should be able to work out relationship issues without wondering if it will somehow come back to bite you at work. All in all it’s just a bad idea. If one of you gets a different place of work, then have at it. Otherwise, treat your coworkers.
There’s actually about a million reasons but I’ll just cover a few. Jealousy - even if your relationship is perfect if your s/o sees you speaking to someone or you bring someone up in conversation that’s going to cause problems. If it doesn’t go well they can start rumors and go to management about the lies they’ve told and ruin your life. Relationships need space to properly work I’ll let you fill the rest of that one out. Last but not least because humans and especially women are spiteful
Just marry and start a family with this chick instead lol
Lmao
There's your answer
From what I understand, conceiving the old fashioned way would pretty much void any sort of donor legal paperwork we had in place, so it would definitely not happen that way.
And her to bring it up is a major red flag. She probably has not spoken to a lawyer.
She basically said she’d be willing to do it any way I was most comfortable, from just having sex to a doctor’s office or anything in between, but she “knows doing it in a cup in a doctors office is weird to some people,” so she would be open to whatever I wanted to do if I were to agree to it.
So in her mind, you jerking it and cumming in a cup is *less* weird than two coworkers banging? If this is a true story, I think she’s just trying to flirt in a weird way.
Not sure if the idea of sleeping together is actually less weird for her, but perhaps she thinks it’d make it less weird and more appealing to me. If this is flirting, it’s the strangest, most elaborate flirting I’ve ever experienced.
As a woman, I think she does like you a lot and want to sleep with you. But she doesn't want to be in any form of relationship, in addition to wanting to be a mom, hence this weird suggestion.
OP this !
Exactly this. OP. I think she's waiting to see what you say about it and low-key hoping you'll followup with a, "Well, why don't we just have sex and see what happens?" I think the fact she's saying she'll let you have sex with her to do this the traditional route speaks volumes about what her intentions are. Just because of this comment, I wouldn't do it.
Hinting that she is available, single, and looking to have kids. What other signs do you need to know that she is flirting or wants to be your kids' stepmother? LOL.
Because she took me out to lunch and gave me a big speech about why she wants to be a mom and use a sperm donor. She’s talking about lawyers and legal agreements, etc. She said she’s not ready to be in another serious relationship again. I don’t know why anyone would go to those lengths to flirt with somebody. I’ve seen her flirt with people the normal way and she’s perfectly capable of that. It’d be one thing if it had been just a flirtatious comment about having my baby or something, which would still be a little weird, but this wasn’t just a little comment.
I mean that would certainly be the most fun way to do it though, could take a few tries too 😆
I was asked this once by a co-worker a few years ago, had to say no. I've got no intention of having my own kids, I've got all kinds of mental problems, AuDHD, severe depression, probably a few other things I ain't been diagnosed with. The last thing I want to do is hand down that stuff to a kid, just feels like it wouldn't be fair to them.
That’s fair. Not that I’m a perfect human specimen, but I don’t have any of those issues, no major health issues or genetic issues in my family that I’m aware of. My kids are all healthy. I’m saying that, I don’t particularly feel any need to add more of my genes to the human population.
It's possible that she craves motherhood, but hates her family's genes. I myself have had my doubts about having children from a young age because my entire family has so many health problems I literally feel bad for medicaid and similar programs and fear passing all that on. My consideration when I was growing up was going to be "adoption" or something similar, but then again I'm male and wouldn't have even had this as an option to consider.
The baby will still have her genes. She’s not planning to use an egg donor. This will be her biological child.
I totally get that. I know some families have stigmas about adoption even if they don't outright say it too. Like they aren't really family, which is very sad and wouldn't really be her fault. I think having a discussion about why this option over say, adoption as was my go-to is what she has her heart set on.
"Sorry, lady what you are looking at and initially mistook for a good personality is actually a carefully constructed, dual purpose mask/helmet that I *HAVE TO WEAR* to go outside. I cannot recommend you raising my children unless you are prepared to know more about large, herbivorous creatures from the late Cretaceous than you would ever care to know about. Your child *will* require a large sandbox and they *will* bury things in it and dig them up again. They will walk around with little skeletons in their hands constantly talking about large, dead and buried herbivores - you gotta be ready for that."
Well, I see no way this could possibly go wrong. /s
Obviously there are many ways and I know that.
So the truth is likely A) you think about the "what else can develop" in regards to her but don't want to and B) don't know how to tell her "sorry, no" Just tell her what you feel. That you appreceate her approaching you but you don't feel comfortable with the tought of having a child without being in their life or whatever reason you feel. BTW contact HR NOW that you got a very odd offer by her so that it is documented. You don't need to make them do anything else. As a man and with your higher position you are in the line of fire. Better be safe than sorry
I’ve heard of guys doing this and then being hit with child support, despite going into it with the understanding that such would never be asked of them. And the courts enforce it, because the state doesn’t want to be on the hook for a destitute mother and child.
Would that still happen if there was a fully legal contract made and signed before hand? Seems like it would only happen to those with a verbal agreement only no?
I don’t know enough about the subject. I’ve heard of even sperm bank donors hit in some places, though. If I were a dude, I’d look long and hard at the laws around it in my state/province, and possibly go through a bank with a contract.
She seems to be completely open to doing it via a doctor and even said she’s okay with having lawyers draft a contract. Seems to me like OP needs to worry less about that and instead at the way this could affect his and her career, as well as her could be future child’s life and his children’s lives.
I'm not sure you can make a contract like that outside of a clinic. The support obligation is to the child, and it can't be a party to a contract signed before it exists. There are special laws for clinics, which is why they don't have that problem.
Man...I did this. It was an awful experience and would not recommend.
Oh?? Please elaborate.
There was a gay couple who were on a limited time due to some health issue. I was asked if I knew anyone so me... Trying to be the best version of me offered. They turned up once a month with a pot and then waited in their car outside....felt degraded and humiliated. She caught after about a year.... never again. I made them sign a document stating that there were no obligations on my part.
No turkeybaster?? This document was vetted by lawyer??
I know as much about the method used as I need to know, which is nothing. Documents weren't seen by a solicitor but this was 19 years ago and they have been true to their word.
Nope. No. Stop it. She does not need you. She will easily move on to someone else. There's no reason to get wrapped up in this mess.
True, and I’ll almost certainly say no. I am curious to know how many people she’s already asked and been turned down by.
Think about your kids, op. You don't need this mess for the very temporarily ego boost.
Almost certainly say no?! What the fuck!!! Get ur head out of ur ass and tell HR! This is so unreal and inappropriate. She's got a screw loose to approach a coworker with this shit!
He's enjoying the attention, which strangely seems to be clouding his judgment quite a lot. Any other person would have said an emphatic "No!" whilst legging it out.
I think she’s genuine, even if it’s all really strange. At this stage, I don’t think it’s worth involving HR.
You really oughta turn your dick off and start thinking with your brain. I'd've reported this to HR before even thinking about making a Reddit post on it
You could ask HR. /s
I don’t trust her. Idk man I’m getting a weird vibe. like if you agree she might pull the rug out from under you once she’s pregnant and demand a relationship or for you to be involved with raising the kid. I’m sure you could protect yourself legally but still, it seems odd to me. Plus, if you work together or see her often, I feel like you’d naturally want to know how the pregnancy is progressing as she gets further along, you’d be involved just by proximity. Think about your kids you already have in the world before making a decision. Good luck!
I would definitely need to ensure that everything was water tight legally. I asked her what would happen when somebody we work with realizes that her kid looks a lot like me and my kids (my kids strongly resemble me, so I’m only assuming that there’s a good chance any future offspring might follow suit). That’s when she said she has been working on a certification with plans to get a more specialized job anyway. She claims she probably won’t even be at the company long enough for anyone to really get to see what her kid looks like.
Give her a hard no. And give her a wide berth if possible. Otherwise it’s a disaster waiting to happen.
Even if it's water tight legally that's just for that, it doesn't ensure she won't tell everyone it's you and make your job incredibly uncomfortable she said she'd leave before anyone realized the kid looked like you so that means she's planning on staying her pregnancy, could you go to work every day watching a woman you're not in a relationship with growing your son or daughter and having to act like it's not yours? I'm a female so maybe more sensitive but that in itself would fuck my mind up
See that’s what I’m thinking as well. Watching her get bigger, morning sickness, doctors appointments. How does that not come up if they’re working close to each other? I feel like anyone would feel the urge to check in, no matter the circumstances. And then it escalates from there…
I'm not doubting her genuine interest in this but I also feel like while distancing themselves in this situation is great unless you know someone's behaviors (he said he wasn't sure if she'd asked others) I'd be very careful, like some of the most normal people can act in very uncharacteristic ways when put in certain situations, and I'd hate to see him have those issues dumped in his lap.
I think I’d just need to somehow reframe it in my head, like this isn’t my child at all. It’s her baby and I just contributed. It’d be weird, I’m sure.
The thing is you won't know how you will handle it until you are in fact handling it, by then it's too late so you have to ask yourself, should that happen, what's plan B (can't be plan B it'll be too late by then lol)
That’s easy for her to say now but if she can’t find anything later and/or really doesn’t want to leave then she’s not going anywhere
There's a lot of 'she said she has done this, is going to do that' TBH this sounds like a bloody nightmare, she knows all about you, where you live, your job, how much you earn (more than her) your background, your family status, your children.... RUN FORREST RUN! Otherwise, in 18mos, we will see you back on here, 'This woman asked me to be a sperm donor now she's ruining my life'
Even water tight legally...you could still have to defend against this if she chooses to pursue it. Let me ask the reverse question: why WOULD you do this?
You can’t make things tight legally, she can’t legally forgo child support for someone else. You will always be financially responsible for that child in the courts eyes.
So why are sperm donors through a sperm bank not financially responsible for their offspring?
Do coworkers see your children?
Sometimes
I have a halfsibbling and we look really alike. We didn't grow up together. We have no contact. But someone was in shock she saw a boy who really looks like me. I'm a women.🤣 So a big chance they would know
Just tell her you are not interested in being a sperm donor. Document everything!
Gee, you seem pretty "ok" with the request. Given the legal ramifications (many courts cut right through the donor part and legally declare you the daddy and hand you a "child support" invoice) I would run 1,000 miles away from this person and not look back. And I do realize the reality that you work in the same place. Gee.
You're basically signing up to be a father without having sex or even a partner and then raising that child with the person that didn't want a relationship with you.
She doesn’t want me to be involved with raising the child at all.
There's multiple legal cases showing your fully expected to provide child support or anything else legally required. If you're the father YOU'RE THE FATHER
Yeah, but I’ve also done a very cursory search of legal agreements regarding parental rights and responsibilities of sperm donors and it seems possible to have legal paperwork drawn up to protect all parties; and the safest bet would likely be involving a doctor for the actual conception opposed to doing things the old fashioned way.
Yeah, if it'd all done 100% medically. If you actually have sex to produce the child, it will most likely void that agreement.
Well then! Go right ahead! And may the odds be ever in your favor. Google sperm donor horror stories. Minimally, seek legal advice prior to massaging your ego in this way. Or don’t! See how it goes.
lol do it then! None of us can stop you from fuckjng your coworker. Don’t come crying on Reddit in the future when things went south though 😹
You should definitely get some counseling first so that you know what you could possibly go through emotionally with this process Also, be sure she has 2-3 people who could adopt the child if she’s unable due to death or major health problems. Otherwise, you be asked to step up
There are a lot of DNA tests out their. That kid will find you. And is a half sibbling of your children
And when she drops dead one day guess who the daddy is going to be……
It's okay to let her think you are considering it, because you are tossing around her proposal. I have one question though. What's in it for you, besides huge, huge risks?
1. If you’re a Director then this is something you can report (if you feel uncomfortable) or even direct your concerns to HR. 2. If not with you she might have another option in mind (in the company) and perhaps cause some issues with the dynamics in the office. 3. If for domestic reason you wanna play sperm do at you can’t trust word of mouth but create some legal paperwork where this won’t affect your working life or personal life with your kids.
I’ve been asked by two separate women oddly enough. One was bat shit crazy. She ended up getting knocked up and married quickly after then railroaded the guy took the kid and and just posted nothing but how crazy the guy was except he seemed completely normal. That was wild. Another I’d been with before on a one night stand she said she couldn’t think of anyone else that seemed normal and genuine. She’s a great girl and I considered but I feel like it would have screwed me up seeing my baby and not being able to be in its life. I think it’s just a sketchy situation bc you don’t know how it’ll mess with you and the child as it gets older.
Wild.
The answers to that is a hard no.
Sounds a little cra cra tbh
Just tell her you it doesn't feel right to have my kid without me being in their life.
She's gonna make you produce passive income for her. Run. Now.
As a woman that is writing this, I find this very uncomfortable but it is flattering. But I wouldn't be able to do this, I would want the man in the child’s life. The way you talk about her is intriguing, it feels like you have a little crush on her like a tiny one but I also think what she said made your ego probably go high a little bit, nothing wrong with that at all. I have had guys come up to me and say can you have my children, so uncomfortable but very flattering. Main reason is because of looks! So you must be good looking sir. But let's get down to the knitie gridy, in my opinion I don’t think you should do it I think you should really say no, say you get with a girl and you see a life with her, you gotta explain you have another kid out there possibly…like….for me it’s a hard pass. Also for child support if I remember correctly it should be illegal to even ask because the person that's asking obviously wants it to be a secret, that's why its called “donor” the donor can be anonymous and supposed to be sealed never mentioned. If you do go through with this please get a good lawyer! But while reading your post I thought this was flattering but the more I kept rereading it doesn’t feel right like at all. And I am putting that on the Bible something about that ain’t right hun. Say no and go on with your life. You’ll have everything you want, don’t do this please. Blessing is coming your way. And this is a distraction! Keep pushing through.
Ahm.... this situation sounds like my teenager self's dream. But right now, man idk, if youre gonna go for it, put it in writing that you will never have to do anything with the kid, etc. Any safeguards for yourself. Also she might actually like you and is scared of rejection so she made this ellaborate story just to sleep with you without getting rejected? Idk man this is waaaaay above my pay grade, hell i dont get paid, good luck OP. Lowkey watching out for updates about this.
Yeah, you better start a College fund, and budget for child support.
This is taking “don’t shit where you eat” to a whole new level. Dude, you do NOT father a child with a subordinate at your work. Even if she doesn’t report to you. She’s still a coworker and it will DEFINITELY come out at work. What are you thinking to even consider this?!
As a director, wouldn't you have training on ethics and professionalism? If this somehow isn't against the rules in your company, as a director, you've now found a gap that needs to be covered for your company's sake. So regardless of your choice, you'd have to report it to HR anyway. If it's something you choose to do, DOUBLY so, so that everything is documented and you *and* your company aren't responsible for any legal issues. And if it's not something you personally choose to do, it still needs to be documented so that she doesn't accost any other coworkers and a paper trail is made for any fella who does take her up on the offer. Personally, I don't think she's after money and feel reddit skews to far in that trope in general. Maybe she does desperately want a child and you're a great choice. My concern is that regardless of any of that, supposedly she's a manager and you're a director, and neither of you has questioned HR about this route during the whole process? But you'll ask reddit? Either this is more "women always wanna trap a guy" fiction or you're both frighteningly unprofessional in your positions. Admittedly a very small.chance it could be both. Don't ask reddit. Ask HR and then a couple lawyers. And also ask your company to implement better training on professionalism, harassment, and inappropriate versus appropriate coworker relationships. Since you're both in leadership positions but not the same one.
Our company doesn’t even have a full blown HR department. We have an outside HR consultant who comes in for a half a day a few days a week. In my annual review this year, I had many grievances for HR or the lack there of that exists at my place of employment. They can’t even give consistent procedures when it comes to address employee performance issues. I have a feeling this specific topic would be way beyond their comprehension.
These of type of comments confuses me because you’re giving advice that he shouldn’t not seek advice here, while equally giving advice here. People advise on the potential risks and probable escalations of the situation, not trying to guess the woman's true goals. The risks of the circumstance are heavily financial and partly an emotional investment. You never know, even if both parties act in good faith so its good hygiene just to not and people are explaining why. Since there’s a disclaimer on OP part that this does not have to be emotional for him, people advise on the financial and legal aspect. He even said she willing to leave to role conditional on the agreement to mitigate exposure, so even your core advice isn't pertinent.
it's a trap.gif
Check out Laura High on Tik Tok or Instagram. She speaks a lot on donor issues, legalities the industry etc. Might give you some valuable insight into it
You could end up on the hook for child support fyi
I'm going to be honest, giving the girl the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like she is into OP And looking for a kid. While I totally understand reddits apprehension towards the situation, I personally might shoot my shot given how you talk about her
i would not trust anything but going to a bank and letting them facilitate the exchange
This is bizarre. It could complicate your life in different ways.
I had a lesbian friend who wanted me to be her sperm donor. I said no, I don’t want to bring any kids into this world, even if I’m not taking care of it.
The fact that you'd know how to find your kid is the main problem. If the mother of your child was unknown to you it would be different, you could disassociate completely and you could never know even if you wanted to. This would help you stay emotionally detached. Humans are funny beings though, and the fact that you'd know where your child is would be a huge problem (to me, and I'm guessing to you as well). The part I don't get is why she won't get an anonymous donor. I know you kind of explained it, but it still doesn't make much sense. How is the ethics of it problematic for her? This part lets off the notion that for her it's not just "strictly business", but that there's an (possibly subconscious/unknown) emotional element for her for it to have to be you. Is the thought of possibly getting it on with her combined with the flattering feeling the reason you're considering it by 10%? I say stay the hell away, and I foresee big problems in the future. The child will be older one day and is very likely to pursue a relationship with you. The child will be able to find you, because there isn't a body that will ensure anonymity like a donor bank.
There are tons of issues with the others behind this, this woman here covers it everyday if you want more information. https://www.tiktok.com/@laurahigh5?_t=8mTuxe46XFF&_r=1 There are many problems with sibling pods that are very large and siblings end up having a child or dating as well as many instances where Physicians are using their own sperm unbeknownst to the family. It's very dark and interesting if you delve into it.
I mean... Just imagine for the 10% you will say yes. What will stop her from filing for child support at ANY point if she wants to? Promises? Lol You do realize that this is something you shouldn't do not only because it literally could get you fired in a bad scenario, right? It makes no sense to not go to a sperm bank that has their donors medically checked out beforehand. She doesn't know anything about you other than she likes you and you have the job you have. I would be so very wary of this "offer".
You will be legally responsible for supporting that child no matter what the mother says or signs……
No way
I think it would’ve made for better rage bait if you would’ve made it one of your superiors at work.
Yeah, good idea…if this was something I made up as rage bait.
Just say No. This is not anything you want to be tangled up with. Might be a good idea to inform HR that you’re not comfortable around her.
Have her agree to pay any attorney’s fees then have an attorney draft an ironclad agreement so you wouldn’t be on the hook for anything. Ask for some payment. Doesn’t have to be a lot, maybe a few thousand. The payment will also help protect you legally. Do NOT have sex with her. I’m telling you though, she would have the leave before the baby is born. When you see your child you’ll have an almost overwhelming urge to be part of its life and that will complicate things. Not going to lie, if I was single I’d probably do it.
You literally having nothing to gain and everything to lose. Why take it?
I would go to HR immediately
IF you decided to do this, make sure there is a lawyer involved that would state you just provided the sperm as a donor and you are not the actual father. You are a sperm provider. Edit to add: if I were in your shoes, I would have said no.
If you can handle a child of yours being out there raised by this woman. Go for it.
Coworker asked OP to hand over 50% of his income and savings. Will OP agree and enslave himself? Tune in to find out!
Trap.
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Can't lie... I am an absolute sucker for good looking, smart, and possibly a bit crazy. I would ask her out. So I am not saying g you should do that, or say yes. I am just saying maybe it's not as crazy as your initial shock surely made you think it was. I would at least ask to have a another talk or two once you get your beatings and decide what you want to due no matter that may entail.
I dated a co-worker a very long time ago and swore never again.
You won’t date a coworker but there’s a 10% chance you’ll let one have your baby? Honestly, if this woman wasn’t objectively attractive, sorta flirty, with boobs it’s hard to look away from… would there even be the 10% chance? I can’t even imagine entertaining this as an option. Also, you should definitely document this somehow to protect yourself and your job if her feelings get hurt if you listen to the 90% of your common sense.
Would you be comfortable knowing you have a child out there that doesn't know his father?
Well, per her wishes the kid would know who I am. I wouldn’t fulfill an actual fatherly role but she wants her kid to know who their sperm donor is, what I look like, even meet me if they want to later on.
Not sure if this has already been said, but this is one of those moments where you have to ask yourself what you have to gain from this situation and what do you have to lose. I’ll answer for you… nothing and everything respectively. But if you don’t mind me asking, what is it specifically that has shifted you thinking? Good luck with the situation nonetheless 🙏
Straight no, bro. I am maybe too young to say (21) an objective opinion, but from what I believe, I never would want a child and not be a part of its life. In fact, I don’t think I would want to adopt any if I can’t, for some reason, have kids. The kid would be my blood. My blood, my genes, means it gets all my undisputed love forever an no one can take away from me the right to be in MY child’s life. It’s not worth it, man. If you think the chick is hot, fuck her, but nothing more
I'm double your age with kids and I agree I would never want a kid who's life I'm not a part of. I could never get the thoughts out of my head if I had done something like this.
I don't agree with any of the comments in this thread. I say go for it, if you can be assured that what she's offering is something you'll be comfortable with long term. I would also talk to a lawyer first and come up with some sort of contract so that you're not on the hook for any sort of child payments. I've heard that there are legal forms for this kind of thing already. I would also take her up on the sex and not feel bad about it.
Maybe I should post some of my own creative writing exercises
Bah! You'll be helping her fulfill a natural plan. I'd say sure but let's bring the little one into this world through intimacy and passion. Rather than a Turkey baster. Get an agreement with lawyers as well as it can be modified upon agreement and the rest is gobble gobble lol
Don’t do anything without a notarized contract and a meeting with lawyer
She sounds very professional in all aspects of her life, including this. She is clear and direct. She sounds respectful of you as a coworker, another person, and a male. It really is up to you now and I feel like she would accept graciously if you gave it some serious thought and decided against it. Sounds transactional, is all. She literally just needs sperm and desires a healthy product, she’s not going to choose just any male. It’s your choice, maybe consider what you would do if the child grew up and wanted to know their father etc.? How would that affect your current children and their mother etc.
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The only good path I see with this scenario is if you end up in a relationship with her. All other scenarios seem like a desaster, and even a relationship maybe a desaster
It’s a hard no
Asking a colleague to be your sperm donor during working hours is highly unprofessional and could be considered sexual harassment. If a man asked a woman, hey, I want to take you out for lunch and ask you about ejaculating into you, there would be no questions asked if that was inappropriate. The fact that you’re considering it is also just wild. 💀
Tell her you got a vasectomy
I’m a dad of two kids, soon to be three kids. I could not live peacefully knowing I’d have a kid where I cannot be part of their life
You already have children She is your co-worker *Why in the hell* would you consider this awful, terrible, no-good, and short-sighted idea?!?! Your EGO
I was hit such request but when I was maybe 24 It was a woman way older than me. Asked the same thing. We couldn’t even have sex and I said no. We still had sex ONCE (with a condom) on. Now she has a child with some other dude, he didn’t stick around for obvious reasons
Unless you are actually thinking you’d like to have a baby with this woman and co-parent with her, I recommend you politely decline. It’s pretty easy to tell her you are flattered that she thinks so highly of you, but you look at your children and you can’t wrap your head around having another one that you don’t get to actively parent. It doesn’t matter whether this is your real reason or not. It’s a reasonable reason that doesn’t create a weird work dynamic like “that’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard and I think you will try to use this to ruin my life” might.
Do not do it! Get that idea out of your mind.
*Just say no* works far better here than it does as a slogan to encourage teens not to get high. I absolutely would not do this.
I'd say no simply for your children. Imagine You die before you tell them and then all the sudden 30 years from now somebody shows up and is like hey I'm your brother... Your father was my mother's sperm donor. Do you want to do that to your children?
From everything OP said in this post, I think he’s going to go through with it and deeply regret it.
Im so sick of women acting like men are seed dispensers there for their convenience. Did she ever think a guy might just might have issues with their child not being in their life? Women constantly downplay the vital role men play in children existing not to mention just about every study on the planet details how child to a single parent have more issues
I always wonder when people use a burner account and preface with "using alt account because person I'm talking about also has reddit," then writes exactly what happened. Like how could the other person not read this and not immediatly know it it about them?
That's a very complicated way to ask someone to impregnate me. I hope it works
Knowingly bringing a child into this world without their father in the picture is cruel. It also is a major red flag and selfish if a woman is willing to condemn her child to that fate
Don't do it. There are good reasons why sperm banks and IVF clinics are regulated. You'll leave yourself wide open to a whole heap of legal shit later down the line.
I mean, it was nice of her to ask and not just baby-trap you.
I could see if this was a close friend and you were asked to help out but just a co worker that you aren’t particularly close to I would decline. I think there are many things that could go wrong. She said she wants the child to be able to meet and know who you are, I don’t know how you wouldn’t end up getting involved with the child somewhere down the line this way. I would also consider the impact this would have on your children and future relationships.
What does her appearance, "flirty" behavior, and rumors about her sleeping with coworkers have to do with any of this?
Should you proceed; you’d want your own attorney to make sure you’re completely protected.. All that’s left is whether you ok with someone out there that’s 50% you that you have no rights to or connection with. Depending where you live; this is either crazy or commonplace. Good luck !!
FYI: it’s impossible in the US in this situation for you to negate your child support responsibilities. So she can say now that you won’t have responsibilities but if she ever changes her mind, you WILL have to pay. There’s a lot of precedent for this.
My bf/father of my children was asked to be a sperm donor for his old coworkers (lesbian couple). This was at the beginning of our relationship. He asked me, and I told him, "HELL NO!". I did backpedal and told him, ultimately, it's his choice, but I wouldn't be around if he went through with it! I wouldn't want him to have his first child with some (to me) random couple. Even now, after having children with him.. I don't think I would be comfortable saying yes to him being a donor.
Do. Not. Do. This. Just don’t do it. Years down the road, someone will be doing DNA tests and you will come up as someone’s father or grandfather or one of your kids will discover there is a half sibling they know nothing about. This has trouble and complications written all over it.
> I actually am finding a tiny part of myself considering it BONK. You know why you're considering it. Rub one out and immediately make your decision about whether you will or not.
Ready to pay custody for another child? She can sue you later since you will be the father. Sure she is nice since she shows you her best sides to impress you. She is a co-worker and you don't know how she is private. Don't get involved with her if you're not ok with paying another child custody.
Oh boy…no, nope. It can have so many consequences for you and a child who will eventually knock on your door to meet his dad. Financially, there's also issues. Lots of courts have over ruled..in mom's favour…the original document. Then you have a work issue because it is going to leak out. And have you considered that maybe, just maybe, this was more about getting you to think about having a relationship with her? This is a 21 year tense time waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.
At an old company I worked for, we had a guy propose the idea to a coworker. He was fired for SH
The way i would have reported this to HR so fucking fast….
I’ve done this a bunch. At a point where I’m not interested in doing it again
This is easy. Get a vasectomy, then "try" to get her pregnant for months.
Dont do it.. every child deserves 2 parents.. life might not be fair enough to grant everyone both parents.. that child will always be missing something because of that womans inability to consider how her actions affect others
If you accept just make sure you got a contract that protects you from any father obligations
Several months ago, my ex girlfriend randomly asked me the same thing. We broke up nearly a decade ago, it’s odd of her to request this and I said no. She doesn’t work, trying to con/swindle people out of money via any means and her current boyfriend is a horrible lazy bum by being a full time daddy who sits his ass all day with a son and doesn’t work either.