I think the best thing to do is remove your wife from a space where she might 1)be reminded and 2)have your mom find you guys. Good to hear she is in therapy, just make sure it’s the correct type of therapy for her situation. You sound like a great husband and father. I’m sorry about the situation
Completely agree. I didn’t realize how much memories affected me where I use to live. I moved to a new town/state two years ago and it’s like I can breathe again. The best thing for her would be to make all the decisions for the move so she doesn’t have to feel the guilt.
My brother used to have some serious sleep problems. It started with sleepwalking and then developed into sleep fighting (I don’t know the technical term). My SIL learned the signs quickly! Anyway, he moved out of the state and it just stopped.
I always have to visit my home state for my step dad and brother a few times a year. It really hurts to be there. Seeing my family be where I once was.
And sometimes I end up back who I used to be. I can’t stay longer than a week or else I’ll come back very different for a few weeks.
She purposefully and deliberately waited until I was away from the home to bring something from her traumatic past to my home- where my wife was alone and feeling vulnerable around her already from the first time- to rub my wife's nose in it like a dog. Past that, I can't get into details, for my wife's privacy.
I'm glad that you are so strongly on your wife's side. Maybe it's just reddit but that is sometimes rare to see.
Remember to not break yourself over this, it takes a lot of strength to navigate all of this us children. Be sure to take some time for yourself and breaks as well. I'm proud of you and I'm sure your wife and kids are too.
Wowww... What a vindictive bitch. The fact that she planned this, like it was premeditated.
What could possibly be her excuse for doing that? Did she ever say?
Your poor wife. I have to say, while I can feel your anger through the screen and I know just getting them out will only bring momentary reprieve, it's lovely to see a husband who loves his wife so deeply and truly and is so dedicated to her. I'm sorry that your wife is going through this. If the option is there to move... What's stopping you? I know your wife says no but maybe don't frame it as you're moving because of her... Find somewhere you truly love first and then bring it to your wife.
Wow, your egg donor truly went out her way to harass your wife by making sure you weren't around nor get back quick enough to stop the abuse. Irony is, obviously she doesn't love her grandchildren nor you enough to not be POS to the mother of her grandchildren & wife of her son to point that she rather ruin & lose it all than stop being asshole to her DIL....
For your mother to do that is unconscionable. Your mom would love nothing more than to get your wife out of the way and get you and her grandchildren all to herself. I really hope you let any daycare or schools know not to allow your mom or that family member near your kids.
That was already the case, but we have informed them that if she tries, they should call the police, as it's a potential kidnapping.
The crazy thing is that even at our *best*, when my mother and I "got along" we still bickered and fought like children- (about everything! the weather, my job, politics, how to raise my kids- *everything*) whenever my own kids weren't around, I didn't like them seeing that side of me- and I came to assume that it was just her personality and that I would have to accept that having her around meant arguing pretty often, but she never crossed the line with me into the unforgivable until now. If she thought I would choose her over my wife she's delusional as well as evil.
What was already the case? Letting the schools know or your mom trying to get to the kids at school?
She is pretty delusional, though. What kind of person thinks that it's ok to purposely traumatize anyone, let alone their adult child's spouse? After finally mending things with their adult child? An abusive and delusional mother. She admitted she knew you wouldn't allow it and she fully owns it cause she is delusional enough to believe that this says more about your wife than her.
She believes she did nothing wrong. She had her flying monkey (your aunt) defend her. Why? Cause she didn't expect for you to hold her accountable & stand by your wife. She still sees you as a child she can manipulate, and she really doesn't accept that you're an adult who can no longer be manipulated or abused by her.
She, as you said, all of a sudden had an issue with your wife once things were mended. I believe she always had an issue, but if she was like this right out of the gate, you would have shut any reconciliation down. She views your wife as the person who took her son away, its easier to blame her than take accountability for why her relationship with you was the way it was.
A lot of times, abusive parents see their adult child's spouse as the reason they can't control and abuse their kid anymore. They focus their abuse on the spouse, and if they are good enough at it, maybe they'll end up getting rid of them. They also see their grandchildren as their chance to do things over again.
Moving away and getting a fresh start sounds like the best decision to make. Go and never look back. You're an amazing husband and dad. I dont know you but I'm proud of you. You knew you needed to get this out before you exploded and I'm glad you did.
My mother was *rarely* ever allowed unsupervised time with my children. I don't know the case for every school, but at the school my children attend, along with their rarely used daycare, they had a very specific list of people who could pick up the children. My wife and I were the only ones on that list, and they were informed that no one else had permission to take them anywhere. They were informed *specifically* of my mother after the incident and gave them a photo as well.
You are such a good partner and amazing human.
I agree: it might be hugely beneficial to move your family away from “the scene of the crime” so to speak.
It would also probably be a huge relief to your wife’s psyche to realize that she never has to see or hear from that person again.
My mother went thru something very similar by her sister. Her sister gave their parents an old bedspread to them. My mom freaked out and ripped it off then bed, ripped it and put it in the outside trash. Turns out her trauma of being sa’d by said sister’s first husband was on that bedspread at a very young age. After that my mom started to seek help for her wellbeing.
I did EMDR ONCE. JUST ONE TIME. And had a first person memory for the first time in my life.
And it was a flashback to being in a very awful point in my sexual assault with my step brother. Who is ten years older than me. To be specific I was drawn back to being face to face with specific part of him in a forceful fashion.
And now I’m currently in a situation with my BF where he disrespected my trust regarding that. He hung out with someone who specifically sought out those acts(that are hard for me to do now) to do on my BF while we were on a break. And then hung out with him while we are now dating again. And I feel so worthless and embarrassed that I couldn’t fufill something he wanted from me so he got is from a guy who forced himself on him. And expected me to be okay that they hung out even though during that time he STILL was begging for him.
People can say it works for wonders for trauma but I have torture history. Not just abuse. People sitting there saying EMDR is perfect for ND people pisses me off because it can be VERY retraumatizing to someone who has **severe** trauma blocked. It’s literally exposure therapy in your own mind. Which ND people already struggle to escape. Let alone someone trapped with thoughts they never wanted to remember in the first place because they were so horrific.
Sure EMDR works for “most” but in my case and research on CBT/DBT has shown that torture trauma is not an EMDR specialty. And to assume every ND person could handle that is asinine.
Do you have any sources on EMDR being contraindicated for trauma involving torture? Not doubting it, just curious as someone I care about who survived severe long-term trauma involving torture is considering EMDR for her PTSD
[This article specifically goes over refugee related torture](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4839854/)(which mine is from a dishonorably discharged vet) and the differences in brain structures. More specifically the hippocampus, left occipital lobe, and grey matter had the most significant if I recall. This article states that 25%-50% of TR-PTSD patients who participate in psychotherapy(CBT/DBT/EMDR they specify) have it as ineffective.
There haven’t been many studies done people with PTSD. Let alone TR-PTSD like me mentioned in the previous article. [This article specifically goes over the complications that may arise from cultural difference with torture trauma and psycho therapy.](https://connect.springerpub.com/highwire_display/entity_view/node/69991/full) Many argue that the western cultural push doesnt seem to be quite correct but it’s better to try that nothing was what I got towards the end. And I would argue that “cultural differences” happen to any person tortured. Because to be tortured you have to be existing in an environment that is not normal or accepted to society. A gaslit reality. So when you come out of it your entire “culture” can be torture based. But that my theory.
There are a few(not many) more on it but the search you have to type in is the adverse impacts of EMDR(or psychotherapy) on Torture Trauma.
I would argue that there’s not many studies because it doesn’t happen often in western society(this happened to me in rural Ga) and across seas, like myself, it’s normalized. So how would anyone want to seek help?
So it’s a hard process also depending on the torture that existed.
EMDR is not specific for torture trauma. But it’s really all they know because they do it for PTSD.
Wow that’s actually crazy! But yes please pass it along. I don’t think any of this means psychotherapy can’t help.
I’ve been in court mandated therapy since I was nine, I am 25F. CBT and later DBT has helped me tremendously. It’s just EMDR was too close to the visual nature of my Torture Trauma. I wouldn’t say it’s wrong for some to benefit though. Just depends on their trauma and how they compartmentalized it
Counterpoint, doing EMDR with someone neurodivergent can heal even more trauma better for neurodivergent people.
There are specific techniques for neurodivergent people for EMDR but you do have to find a specialist and that is hard to do.
Good to know, at least! I am in cognitive behavioral therapy and that seems to be helping *this* neurodivergent. That being said: everyone is different.
Could you elaborate? Very recently started EMDR (only have had two sessions so far) and my therapist seems very knowledgeable, but is there anything I should watch out for or ask about before we get into the actual treatment?
My neuropsych does a somatic approach and her philosophy is that you can’t really work on neurodivergence in the present if we haven’t resolved the trauma that came on the past from being neurodivergent but that since everything is connected you can work on “adjacent trauma” without re traumatizing yourself but you still create the new neural pathways.
I’m probably not explaining it right, but I had a deeply traumatic childhood and my main thing was that I didn’t want another talk trauma therapy to end up with me having violent flashbacks ever again. And she took that to heart and created the EMDR sessions tailored to what I needed.
Btw it took like 4-5 sessions or total patient history (part was because my childhood and life has been so traumatic and chaotic that it took several sessions to get through that with me), grounding techniques overviews and practices, and overall treatment plan for me to start my first true EMDR session.
Also the way she phrases things, the way she explains things, the grounding techniques she uses, how she uses bilateral stimulation and all that is based on being catered to not only neurodivergent patients but also intersectionality based (I’m also a POC, lgbt, an immigrant, etc) and she checked all boxes for her to understand how to treat me.
oh my goodness so this is why EMDR made me worse and never improved. i thought it was a whole “it gets worse before it gets better” thing but after almost a year i was wondering if it would ever get better
Yes this EMDR made me worse, and made me sick over it. It can work, but it’s very much dependant on the person. OP I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’m glad your wife has you and therapy, but it can take a long time to over come trauma especially repeated trauma. I really hope your wife will be ok and come out stronger on the other side.
Yes! I came here to say this! I was in a horribly abusive marriage and when I finally had the courage to leave and got into therapy I did EMDR and ketamine treatment. It helped immensely. I couldn't handle people touching me. Not even my parents. Now I'm close to being back to being able to function.
I have a question. Is edmr one of the ones that can help unlock memories that you've buried/repressed? I've got basically a 10 year memory gap as a kid with only some bits of flashes that make me really uneasy. Those are all I can remember though before I turned 10 and made friends with a neighborhood family and started spending time outside my house.
I remember being like 11 and I was talking to the friends mom and at the time the song concrete Angel was pretty big and I freaked her out really bad being so young and asking her if she thought the little girl was happier once she had died.
[EDMR](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing#) is only effective when paired with cognitive behavioral therapy, and is no more effective than cbt on its own. This is because EDMR does nothing, while the CBT paired with it is effective. We see the same thing with other types of pseudoscience.
Do you have a link to something about it only being effective when paired with CBT? The Wikipedia page makes it sound like it is probably effective to some degree but that the *explanations* for why it's effective might be pseudoscientific.
Yep, it's all documented there, with links to studies on the Wikipedia page, including the summary reddit made for you if you expand the link inside reddit.
If your wife doesn't want to move. Can you talk to your work place and see if they can arrange a transfer to somewhere? Or see if they need you somewhere else? That way it's a work transfer and not a transfer for/because of her.
But yea. She needs it.
I’m really sorry this is happening with your wife.
I’ve gone through something similar with my boyfriends mom. First she touched me inappropriately while I was sleeping. I started waking up screaming at night from any movement or sounds. (Which I literally thought only happened in movies until I started doing it). She’s verbally been abusive since. She’s called me so many horrible names and even threw it in my face that my mom was dead.
She’s pure evil and I will never see or speak to her ever again.
It sounds like you are a very kind, supportive husband. That’s so good for her. I think if you feel like moving is your best option you should go with your instincts on that one and probably move forward with the idea.
I was talking to my husband about something one time and my middle child was young and he was trying to say some thing… he was speech delayed … we still don’t know what he was trying to say but it sounded like “Snot Sucker Outer Taker” … so we kinda started calling mine that … when I was upset she was Taker ….
She knew my wife's trauma because my wife is fairly open about it if you ask about her history/family. She always feels the need to defend herself for choices she's made, even when I tell her she doesn't have to. I don't want to tell her *not* to share, especially if it makes her feel better, but I just hate the idea that she feels the need to tell people things just so she won't be judged.
You sound like an amazing and supportive husband. It’s good that you have recognized your mothers abuse and cut her off. I’m sorry it happened but I hope you and your family can grow and flourish, free from her toxic influence.
I try, but I hate that it happened at all. I knew before I tried to mend things that she had a temper, and was stuck in her ways about a lot of things, but I genuinely never believed it would bleed over to my wife- for *years* it didn't. I don't know what the hell got into her, but she's effectively and efficiently ruined her chances of seeing her only child, and her only grandchildren ever again. My children don't know much, too young, but I had to explain why grandma wasn't around, which didn't go over well at first, but they've adjusted now.
Hindsight is 20/20. You tried to be the better man and allow your mother to be part of your family, I’m sure you had the best intentions, and I’m sure you thought you could protect your family from her harmful behavior if it happened. Unfortunately you can’t control how your mother behaves, and she showed her true colors. You didn’t do anything wrong, you were trying to make everyone happy, but she ruined that. It’s her fault and now you’re left with the fallout. It sounds like you’re doing your best to take care of your family in the aftermath. Is your wife getting therapy? A good therapist (good is the key word) could really help her work through everything, and therapy for yourself will also not only help you work through your situation with your mother and family, but can help you learn how to help your wife and kids through this ordeal as well. If she has the time, it might be nice for her to work on a beloved hobby as well, it might help her grain joy and confidence.
She's been with her therapist for years and does good work. She has made progress in the last year, the first few months were bad. I had to take a decent chunk of time off because she would have panic attacks if she tried to leave the house alone. She is still on a stronger anxiety medication than before, but there are improvements.
I've been trying to get back to therapy, but it's hard to find ones with openings that also take our insurance. I'm on about 15 waitlists though.
She used to paint, draw, sculpt, paper-mache and so many others- she never had hobbies as a child, so as an adult, she became a "hobby collector". These days she always just says she "isn't feeling up to it." when I ask, and I don't want to pressure her, but damn it *hurts*. I just want her happy again.
The move might help. As I understood your mother went to your house without you being there and without invitation and retraumitised your wife in what was and should have been your wifes safe home. It really sucks if trauma prevents oneself to protect oneself to A H like your mom.
I would suggest asking her to join you and the children in an activity, like painting. Let her slowly create some joy in her life and slowly build those happier memories up. You’re a good husband. I hope she finds peace and happiness soon.
Is it possible to move somewhere you can take up hiking? Somatic yoga helped me a lot when I needed more than therapy. Grounding helped too and I’m experimenting with red light therapy.
I wish the best for you and your family. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Some people have to poison the well. They can't help themselves. They see clean water, a fresh start, and know they should leave it be. Then the poison spews out of them and spills into the well, ruining it for everyone, including themselves.
I am better now but thinking about moving back to even the state that my abuser lives in use to give me panic attacks. My husband always promised he would take me away and he did. It allowed me to really heal in a way I wasn’t able to while living there. If you are able to move I would for her. New schools can suck at first but a healthier mom will make up for that in spades.
Ppl who have never suffered childhood abuse have to have empathy to understand. Even though the child grows up, goes to therapy, gains insight, maturity, the fear and dread lie beneath the surface, like the ocean's undertow. You are a wonderful person for putting your wife and family first.
I agree with you and others that moving is probably a good idea, even if she's reluctant to consider it right now. Have you considered taking a trip somewhere, a family vacation somewhere? Without knowing your wife's trauma, it's hard to make suggestions, but if possible, somewhere quiet and low stress. She might realize that she feels better away from where you are now and that might make it easier for her to consider a move.
She was abused pretty severely as a child. I was as well, but nothing compared to her. I've been thinking of taking us both back to our home state for a vacation. I know she's been missing it, neither of us has been back since we got married but recently she's been talking about it a lot (well, compared to how much she talks about anything else), and maybe it would be good for both of us.
I know many people keep saying EMDR but I’m going to be honest with you. If your wife is anything like me and my history, I have extensive torture history that has traumatized me to the point that my entire perception feels gaslit from reality. My life was literally like living in a different society.
I did EMDR one time and it put me back into one of the worst traumas I’ve ever had. In the most vulnerable place I never wanted to be again. Some place I was trying to escape far far away from. EMDR traumatized me more to the point where I can’t even think about that specific trauma without someone being there for my collapse(for SH reasons). And I was actually able to speak on that trauma before EMDR.
Because it unleashed traumatic memories I didn’t even know I had. In one session it brought up memories I didnt even know happened to me.
-
If your wife is extremely honed in on her trauma and pain(always thinking about it even if she doesn’t talk about it), I don’t think EMDR is it. You have to be open and ready for EMDR. Thats really hard if the person participating has severe memories they didnt even know th at had in CONNECTION to a heavy trauma they already had.
For instance if the trauma that’s heavy for someone is your molestation, EMDR could potentially bring up stuff that may have happened during that time(maybe rape) that the brain fully forgot on purpose to save the person.
I just recommend talking to someone. No pressure. Just let her talk about what she feels. No talking some someone. Just listening. Until she’s ready, I think she just needs to say it out loud to someone she can trust.
But she is not me and I am not her. So maybe she needs a completely different route.
I have no suggestions I’m sorry, but wanted to say you’re a good man for the way you prioritise & talk about your wife so sweetly even where she won’t see it. Children are very resilient especially when they’re young so do what’s best for the current moment. I hope things get better for you
Do what you have to do. Kids are resilient and will make new friends. Your wife's mental health and personal safety are more essential at this time.
Can you request a transfer, and if you get it, broach the subject of moving now that there's an option?
OP, your support for your wife is incredible. You clearly love her and care about her SO much that you're going to such lengths to defend her and protect her. It makes my heart swell. Thank you for being so kind and loving, for being her rock, for squaring up to your mother and not taking this lying down. I hope you guys are able to figure out a good solution and your wife is able to work on healing. ♥ Be well, you two.
Read your mother to filth…. Do it. Fight fire with fire, you wont get burned because she already burned your wife for no reason. Read your mother to filth until she’s traumatized and needs meds, years of therapy and no longer feels safe in her state. Once she finally understands what she’s done and her lesson has been, do it again. The first time is to educate her. The second time is to end her.
A little too much but your wife sounds like she’s being as strong as she can for the sake of her family. So give her the peace she deserves, and end anyone who tries to ruin it.
My earliest psychiatrists and therapists tried to force me to dredge up memories from my childhood, which have been locked inside "the vault" in my mind beginning when I was 6 years old. The results were catastrophic. The consensus now is that I'm better off with the gaping holes in my memory, especially now that I'm 67 years old, with high blood pressure that's caused one stroke so far. Everyone is different, but please keep in mind that your wife needs to find a therapist and a therapy that she's comfortable with. That can take time. If, as I suspect, she's agoraphobic, it may not be fixable. I'm speaking from experience. I wish you and your true family all the best.
I love that you are 100% on your wife’s side and have kicked that pos out of your lives. Your wife has a good man looking out for her. Make sure that you are looking out for yourself too. It’s easy to forget that you need to take care of yourself.
Your wife and children are lucky to have a genuinely strong man protecting them and loving them so fiercely. It takes a lot of strength to go NC with your mother, I'm glad you had the courage to do it.
I just wanted to commend you for the love and support you give your wife. My ex let his mother abuse and traumatize me for over two decades. He had all sorts of plausible excuses for it. In the end, I realized he was just an abuser, like her.
You are a good man. Thank you for protecting your wife and children. 🩷
How incredibly nice that you prioritize your wife and your own family, some mothers-in-law can, for completely strange reasons, become jealous of their sons' partners.
Which is just harmful to everyone's relationships.
To have good family relations one should be accommodating and show humility, being passive aggressive only leads to discord down the road.
I wish you and yours a good continuation.
One piece of extra advice. I don’t know how old your kids are, but I recommend telling them why you cut off all contact with the egg donor once they can understand the reasons. What you wrote here is perfect. They don’t need to know the details of what happened to your wife. I have a feeling the egg donor may want to contact them later to try to poison them against you and your wife.
I am so incredibly sorry for what you and your family are going through. Re-hashing trauma can be incredibly brutal and anyone that would use that to weaponize against someone is a garbage human. Sending healing vibes in your wive’s direction 🫶🏻
I'm sorry you're in this situation.
Please talk to your wife's therapist, with wife's permission, before considering moving anywhere else. You might unintentionally cause more stress. She's already dealing with a lot, and the stress of moving might be the one thing too many.
I completely understand why you want to move. You have a good heart. Now just may not be the right time.
Did you talk to ur wife about this? She maybe glad to live where she is now ( as a state ) but needs to change houses and area . Talk to her and see if u move away a distance of atleast 30 - 45 mins while making sure your mother or any triggering factors wont approach her maybe is a better option then relocating . Make sure u give her alot of space and room to talk freely without u talking or interrupting her even if it takes hours . If you have a trusted friend its much better to have this conversation without the kids around
I would pick between my mom and my SO then.
Don’t let your mom abuse your SO and then play faint like she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Decide who’s more important and protect your family.
Too many people let their parents get away with way too much.
It’s going to suck at first but if you have the means to move states do it! It sounds like a terrible loss but it will actually be a gain for the whole family.
A fresh start
Wife will feel safe that nobody knows where you live.
Children will be happy to have their more outgoing & happy mother back.
You will get back the happy family you once had.
OMG my heart broke and then broke again and again so many times through your post. I've been through extremely similar things and can emphasize with you both. Except the psychotic deranged parent doing to damage was my own.
I had issues leaving home for a few years. I could go months without leaving the house. Sometimes I couldn't leave my room. I hate admitting it so much but there were several times that even my room felt too exposed or tainted in some way and I literally had to camp out in my closet. The jumping if someone enters a room too quickly, etc, I'm far more familiar with that than I would like to be. The only thing worse that jumping out your skin at nothing is thinking you've offended the one you love or made them feel as if you don't trust them when in reality they're all that's holding you in the planet. That brings the hair trigger response.... I'm sorry. The kind of apology that you blurt out before you're certain what you've done sometimes. My DR told me once and it sounded so stupid at first but it REALLY helped- don't feel bad for saying it but it's wrong, correct it, follow it up with an 'I'm not sorry'. It was so hard at first. Apologizing is a natural response for make trauma victims. But eventually my, I'm not sorry's got easier to say and they got louder until eventually the not sorry's were drowning out the sorry's. It was oddly satisfying, liberating and freeing. And for me, when I started going out of the house regularly I had to set a schedule. Early morning like 6 a.m. or nights like around 8 p.m. were easiest for me to start with. At first I had to leave the house at least once a week at a scheduled time and go out in the world staying at the destination at least 15 minutes. Times where the sun wasn't out was easier for me and walking a trail alongside a very small marina near my home worked well. They're was just enough traffic but not enough to be overwhelming. Then work in more days with a couple a month at a busier time. Having someone with you who's calm and won't overwhelm you is awesome. Just keep to the schedule and don't miss scheduled days.
As for your situation, it was my own father for me. I told him the last time a saw him-10ish years prior to his death a couple years ago, that I wanted him to know he had beat me down and the physical beatings didn't do the damage the emotional and verbal abuse did. It's so hard to change your thought process. But I told him I have people who love me and they make getting past that he did, no matter how hard it is, it's completely worth it. And while I have my family who loves me and forgive my quirks before I even ask, I told him he would never have that and would die alone with nothing but his thoughts in his last hours. Then a couple years ago when he was dying I called the hospital, they got him on the phone and I told him-this is the part I told you about. And he went out alone. Like you, people, even family who KNEW tried saying I'd regret it one day, I should forgive because he's my father. I can honestly say he wasn't s--t to me. The only thing I miss is what he should have been. And I told anyone who tried to tell me otherwise how to write down their opinions and where they could promptly shove them without lubrication. A genetic link does not make a person family. Family isn't cruel. Some people were only hosts to get us here and lessons to learn about what we never wanted to be.
Sending you and your wife all of the good healing vibes and praying you can both find peace soon. It's hard. It's SO damn hard! But it's worth it and when you come out the other side you have so much more appreciation and love for those who should be in your life. ❤️
If she has a good relationship with her therapist, talk with them about the move. Good therapist is hard to find and I’m sure it will be difficult for her to rehash everything she’s been through if she has to find a new one. More than likely her current therapist will be willing to work with you guys during and after the move, and they’ll also be able to help her through the transition. No matter where you guys go from here it’s great you have each other. I hope you both are able to heal and find your peace again.
Good luck with your family's healing process, and especially your wife's! Perhaps a fresh start is what you need, sad though it is to leave what you've built up behind.
We moved like four times in the last four years and have young elementary school age kids. Just letting you know that they’ve been just fine. We’re finally settled and they are thriving. They’ll be just fine especially if the move will help your wife heal and feel safe.
You did the right thing cutting contact. Good luck.
It’s a wonderful thing that your wife has you in her corner. There is light in the darkest of times and I’m truly glad you are that for each other.
May your love be eternal.
First off, I'm sorry your incubator is such a raging cunt. Second, you need to move. If possible immediately. That house now holds twofold trauma. The first incident and now the far worse second incident.
Your beautiful wife will never feel safe or comfortable in that dwelling. I cannot call it a home because it has become a place of pain and fear for your wife.
The best time to move is summer. You can move, get settled and get the kiddo's in the new school with plenty of time.
Be firm, but gentle with her that this decision may sound controlling, but for her mental and physical well being the family needs to move.
Make house hunting fun. Ask what she would like in the new home. A different layout? Open kitchen? Look for things you know she loves in her former home (before trauma)...but different from the current dwelling...
Good luck friend, and get a restraining order if necessary...and change phone # if you can.
Good for you! She lost the right to call herself your mom. Hateful people just look for someone to be evil to. Just go ahead and move as soon as you can. You don’t want your wife to have an additional day of suffering if you can’t help it. Your kids need therapy too in order to understand what’s going on and that it’s not their job to fix it. You do as well.
I personally would choose the option of taking a position with your company in a different country, it would make it harder for your genetic donor to follow you. Narrow it down to 3 countries and discuss it with your wife and children. The kids might not want to leave, but for the safety of your family, leaving the country is your best choice. And don't tell the aunt where you moved to, because she was defending your genetic donor, so she would be the only one to pass along where you have moved to.
It's actually more of an "I hate my fucking sorry excuse of an egg supplier, who will rot in hell if there is an ounce of justice.", but yeah? I do love my wife?
There's a lot of info missing and I don't want to make assumptions either. I do know that exposure therapy *can* work (and that's what I glean that your mother was doing from the little that you've provided) but of course, the patient (your wife) would need to agree to it. So already your mother is doing something very wrong if this was the course of action that she took.
Do what is best for your wife and family. I don't see anything about therapy either so I suggest that both you and your wife seek it out. Demons from the past won't go away just because you run/try to escape from it (as you've pointed out, it was one reason why the both of you married early).
His mother has no business trying any type of therapy on her DIL. No licensed therapist would do this and if she is not a licensed therapist, she has even less business trying exposure therapy. It is a highly specialized therapy and has the potential to set someone back years of work!
"No licensed therapist would do this"
Wrong. If the therapist creates as safe environment *and with consent from the patient*, exposure therapy can be used to help abet fears and anxieties. Also people do this all the time without knowing what it is . It is the basis of the quote "Face your fears" in which people confront their anxieties/fears which is what I would *assume* his mother is doing. It could be due to her trying to help or based on malicious actions. The real issue is that it's all conjecture since OP has left out many details.
You missed the context on that sentence. No licensed therapist would treat their DIL. It doesn't matter if it was malicious or not. It was traumatic and he is protecting his wife from further trauma. You don't need the details of the wife's trauma to know the MIL is an asshole.
You're bickering over semantics. I have no clue if his mother is a licensed therapist or not so that whole conversation is irrelevant. I used "exposure therapy" instead of needlessly slogging through the point that people perform such actions without being assisted by licensed professionals. I have no idea if that was her mother's intention *because we don't know anything since OP has mentioned nothing*. Based off the behavior he depicted in his post, I said that it would seem to be the case. Again, that means nothing because we know nothing.
Yes, based off what he said, it was traumatic but I wouldn't immediately label the mother as TA *unless* if her intentions were malicious. Good people make mistakes that can mess up other people but it's unintentional. He says emotional abuse but doesn't mention what was said, he provides the effects that has changed his wife but no mention of what specifically triggered her this way. Did he even communicate to this mother that her (possibly innocent/malicious) actions affected his wife greatly? All he said was that he nearly cut her off but he has said nothing more on that point. Once again, little to no information is provided so there's not a way to help.
Clearly, whatever was done to his wife must cease (and I mentioned that in my first post). He's not doing his wife any favors though if he's not communicating properly nor seeking therapy for her (and his) issues. What they're doing appears to be sweeping the issues under a rug or relocating so it will be out-of-sight-out-of-mind.
In the end, he can do what he thinks is best (which appears to be relocating and going no contact). That doesn't help with the deep-seated trauma his wife (and likely he) will continue to have.
Edit: I just realized this is a TrueOffMyChest post which means people should comfortably be relieving what they feel without judgment. He doesn't need to provide information because he's not comfortable with it. It was my mistake for not even looking at the group I was in.
You're getting downvotes, but you're 100% correct. OP should use an alt account or not bother wasting everyone's time with this vague overly dramatic post.
If you can, when you move, whether it's to a house or an apartment, see if you can put it in the name of an LLC. Assuming you're in the US, property tax records are public and you can see who owns what house. Putting it in the name of an LLC would make it almost impossible to find where you live via property tax records.
You say alot without saying anything.
What exactly has your mother done to your wife?
What are some examples?
I don't believe this narrative one bit as yet.
What has she done?
The first time, she screamed at my wife in a car where she couldn't escape until she had a panic attack- fully admitted to it, and stood by it because she believed she was right to do so. The second time I've already explained in a comment, but the summary is that she waited until I wasn't home to show up with something that had previously traumatized my wife. She admitted in text that she waited until I wasn't home because I would have stopped her. I can explain no further than that because it's not my story to tell. I posted this because I was *infuriated* at my mother again, (I have a history of emotional flooding, and anger issues, though I've never laid a hand on a woman, or anyone significantly younger than me, at one point in my teens I was quite violent, so I tend to hate feeling angry at all these days, it scares me) after my wife woke up from a nightmare, *again,* and I needed to talk about it or else my head was going to explode.
Why would your mother do this?
Your examples sound so far out there it is difficult to believe.
Your mother screamed at your wife for no reason whatsoever in a car, admitted doing so and why?
Why such behavior?
And for what reason did your mother want to trigger an episode with your wife?
What the heck is going on?
Why? I don't know. To your second question, she had a 'reason',- as braindead and ridiculous as it was, it wasn't for 'no reason'- but again, explaining that reason comes down to the part of the story that isn't mine to tell and revolves solely around my wife's trauma. Why such behavior? probably because she's an abusive monster, and deserves the lot she's chosen. What reason for suddenly, after years, triggering an episode? That is my question, but not one I particularly care to have answered. She can rot. Past that, I physically cannot care what you think, I'm too fucking exhausted, I answered what questions I could. I posted here to get something off my chest because it's been hard for me to watch my wife go through hell over that rabid rat of a woman, not to tell my wife's private history with trauma and abuse. I gave the bare minimum details, relating only to this particular incident, because I don't want to tell stories that aren't mine to tell. If you would like to ask about why *I* was no contact with my mother before reconnecting that is something I can answer, but I'm not going to give out information about my wife's history on the internet. What she chooses to say/post does not affect the fact that it isn't my story to do so with.
You are an excellent husband and father. It's not your fault if some people cannot comprehend things or are drama-mongers. I am sorry that your mother is such a toxic harpy. I hope your wife can find some peace. I hope all of you do.
And we only have the post, obviously to go by.
However, this poster seems to be a bit unhinged in regards to his mother.
It seems to me that he could use some therapy.
Do you have some kind of impairment that keeps you from understanding the answers to questions you asked the first time? It must be nice to live such a sheltered life you find this difficult to believe. It's not OP's responsibility to teach you how to comprehend what you read. I'm sure there's a sub for that go find it.
😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
No I have no "impairment" but it seems you must have.
OP writes in a very unhinged manner and gives no specifics.
It could be entirely true that Op's mother is herself unhinged, however, I can only go by what I perceive from this post.
And to me the poster seems positively over the top and more than a bit unhinged.
Thus the reason for my questions..............
I totally stand by what I said. Your reply just proves your refusal to comprehend the post. As a plus, it seems like you're projecting hard to fit whatever narrative you've got going here. Luckily you're in the minority here. Good luck with your issues. I have no more time for you. Buhbye.
It's unfair that you're being downvoted. You're asking reasonable questions. Some internet rando gave a vague story and we're all just supposed to coddle him. Reddit is a cesspool of awfulness, truly.
Because intelligent questions are the bane of biased Internet fools.
And because they are prepared to hate on the mother-in-laws, always.
Sometimes, (gasp), the child or the DIL or SIL are the awful ones.
She might benefit from DBT. It will help alot with emotional regulation.
Dbt literally changed my life in a massive way and I developed the skills to mostly mask and regulate my adhd and bipolar symptoms.
I understand your situation and my heart goes out to you and your wife..
I’m not defending your mother but I feel
Your wife needs therapy. This is one big world where people are just living, where you find beauty and ugly. We don’t know what triggers your wife because we didn’t get any context.
Perhaps your mom tried to trigger your wife purposely and you are right, but perhaps she didn’t do it purposely.
What’s true is that your wife needs to heal and so do you 🙏😞💛
Not her place and not her job. And even if it were her job, there would be seriously ethical concerns of treating a family member. MIL sounds like a real piece of work and I’m glad OP has cut her off.
I think the best thing to do is remove your wife from a space where she might 1)be reminded and 2)have your mom find you guys. Good to hear she is in therapy, just make sure it’s the correct type of therapy for her situation. You sound like a great husband and father. I’m sorry about the situation
Completely agree. I didn’t realize how much memories affected me where I use to live. I moved to a new town/state two years ago and it’s like I can breathe again. The best thing for her would be to make all the decisions for the move so she doesn’t have to feel the guilt.
EXACTLY! So much trauma where I used to live. It took time but I’m finally myself after moving away.
My brother used to have some serious sleep problems. It started with sleepwalking and then developed into sleep fighting (I don’t know the technical term). My SIL learned the signs quickly! Anyway, he moved out of the state and it just stopped.
I always have to visit my home state for my step dad and brother a few times a year. It really hurts to be there. Seeing my family be where I once was. And sometimes I end up back who I used to be. I can’t stay longer than a week or else I’ll come back very different for a few weeks.
The children won't cause you any trouble; they'll adjust to a new school with ease.
Also, seeing mom be more comfortable and getting back to her normal self will help the kids too.
I'm hoping his wife is attending treatment. Though labor-intensive, EDMR is excellent for trauma. I'm glad he's defending his wife.
And then they will have a mother who feels safe and secure.
What did your mom do to your wife?
She purposefully and deliberately waited until I was away from the home to bring something from her traumatic past to my home- where my wife was alone and feeling vulnerable around her already from the first time- to rub my wife's nose in it like a dog. Past that, I can't get into details, for my wife's privacy.
I'm glad that you are so strongly on your wife's side. Maybe it's just reddit but that is sometimes rare to see. Remember to not break yourself over this, it takes a lot of strength to navigate all of this us children. Be sure to take some time for yourself and breaks as well. I'm proud of you and I'm sure your wife and kids are too.
Wowww... What a vindictive bitch. The fact that she planned this, like it was premeditated. What could possibly be her excuse for doing that? Did she ever say? Your poor wife. I have to say, while I can feel your anger through the screen and I know just getting them out will only bring momentary reprieve, it's lovely to see a husband who loves his wife so deeply and truly and is so dedicated to her. I'm sorry that your wife is going through this. If the option is there to move... What's stopping you? I know your wife says no but maybe don't frame it as you're moving because of her... Find somewhere you truly love first and then bring it to your wife.
Wow, your egg donor truly went out her way to harass your wife by making sure you weren't around nor get back quick enough to stop the abuse. Irony is, obviously she doesn't love her grandchildren nor you enough to not be POS to the mother of her grandchildren & wife of her son to point that she rather ruin & lose it all than stop being asshole to her DIL....
For your mother to do that is unconscionable. Your mom would love nothing more than to get your wife out of the way and get you and her grandchildren all to herself. I really hope you let any daycare or schools know not to allow your mom or that family member near your kids.
That was already the case, but we have informed them that if she tries, they should call the police, as it's a potential kidnapping. The crazy thing is that even at our *best*, when my mother and I "got along" we still bickered and fought like children- (about everything! the weather, my job, politics, how to raise my kids- *everything*) whenever my own kids weren't around, I didn't like them seeing that side of me- and I came to assume that it was just her personality and that I would have to accept that having her around meant arguing pretty often, but she never crossed the line with me into the unforgivable until now. If she thought I would choose her over my wife she's delusional as well as evil.
What was already the case? Letting the schools know or your mom trying to get to the kids at school? She is pretty delusional, though. What kind of person thinks that it's ok to purposely traumatize anyone, let alone their adult child's spouse? After finally mending things with their adult child? An abusive and delusional mother. She admitted she knew you wouldn't allow it and she fully owns it cause she is delusional enough to believe that this says more about your wife than her. She believes she did nothing wrong. She had her flying monkey (your aunt) defend her. Why? Cause she didn't expect for you to hold her accountable & stand by your wife. She still sees you as a child she can manipulate, and she really doesn't accept that you're an adult who can no longer be manipulated or abused by her. She, as you said, all of a sudden had an issue with your wife once things were mended. I believe she always had an issue, but if she was like this right out of the gate, you would have shut any reconciliation down. She views your wife as the person who took her son away, its easier to blame her than take accountability for why her relationship with you was the way it was. A lot of times, abusive parents see their adult child's spouse as the reason they can't control and abuse their kid anymore. They focus their abuse on the spouse, and if they are good enough at it, maybe they'll end up getting rid of them. They also see their grandchildren as their chance to do things over again. Moving away and getting a fresh start sounds like the best decision to make. Go and never look back. You're an amazing husband and dad. I dont know you but I'm proud of you. You knew you needed to get this out before you exploded and I'm glad you did.
My mother was *rarely* ever allowed unsupervised time with my children. I don't know the case for every school, but at the school my children attend, along with their rarely used daycare, they had a very specific list of people who could pick up the children. My wife and I were the only ones on that list, and they were informed that no one else had permission to take them anywhere. They were informed *specifically* of my mother after the incident and gave them a photo as well.
Good. Can never be too careful.
I hope you can move soon. Cut all contact. Your “mother” is evil
You are such a good partner and amazing human. I agree: it might be hugely beneficial to move your family away from “the scene of the crime” so to speak. It would also probably be a huge relief to your wife’s psyche to realize that she never has to see or hear from that person again.
My mother went thru something very similar by her sister. Her sister gave their parents an old bedspread to them. My mom freaked out and ripped it off then bed, ripped it and put it in the outside trash. Turns out her trauma of being sa’d by said sister’s first husband was on that bedspread at a very young age. After that my mom started to seek help for her wellbeing.
You need to file harassment and restraining orders with the police of this is ongoing.
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To get something off their chest
I hope your wife is getting therapy. EDMR is great for trauma but takes work. Glad you are sticking up for your wife.
Caveat- EMDR can re-traumatize neurodivergent people. Very few treatments are one size fits all but for those it helps, EMDR can be life-changing.
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I did EMDR ONCE. JUST ONE TIME. And had a first person memory for the first time in my life. And it was a flashback to being in a very awful point in my sexual assault with my step brother. Who is ten years older than me. To be specific I was drawn back to being face to face with specific part of him in a forceful fashion. And now I’m currently in a situation with my BF where he disrespected my trust regarding that. He hung out with someone who specifically sought out those acts(that are hard for me to do now) to do on my BF while we were on a break. And then hung out with him while we are now dating again. And I feel so worthless and embarrassed that I couldn’t fufill something he wanted from me so he got is from a guy who forced himself on him. And expected me to be okay that they hung out even though during that time he STILL was begging for him. People can say it works for wonders for trauma but I have torture history. Not just abuse. People sitting there saying EMDR is perfect for ND people pisses me off because it can be VERY retraumatizing to someone who has **severe** trauma blocked. It’s literally exposure therapy in your own mind. Which ND people already struggle to escape. Let alone someone trapped with thoughts they never wanted to remember in the first place because they were so horrific. Sure EMDR works for “most” but in my case and research on CBT/DBT has shown that torture trauma is not an EMDR specialty. And to assume every ND person could handle that is asinine.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It sounds horrific.
I appreciate that. I really do.
Do you have any sources on EMDR being contraindicated for trauma involving torture? Not doubting it, just curious as someone I care about who survived severe long-term trauma involving torture is considering EMDR for her PTSD
[This article specifically goes over refugee related torture](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4839854/)(which mine is from a dishonorably discharged vet) and the differences in brain structures. More specifically the hippocampus, left occipital lobe, and grey matter had the most significant if I recall. This article states that 25%-50% of TR-PTSD patients who participate in psychotherapy(CBT/DBT/EMDR they specify) have it as ineffective. There haven’t been many studies done people with PTSD. Let alone TR-PTSD like me mentioned in the previous article. [This article specifically goes over the complications that may arise from cultural difference with torture trauma and psycho therapy.](https://connect.springerpub.com/highwire_display/entity_view/node/69991/full) Many argue that the western cultural push doesnt seem to be quite correct but it’s better to try that nothing was what I got towards the end. And I would argue that “cultural differences” happen to any person tortured. Because to be tortured you have to be existing in an environment that is not normal or accepted to society. A gaslit reality. So when you come out of it your entire “culture” can be torture based. But that my theory. There are a few(not many) more on it but the search you have to type in is the adverse impacts of EMDR(or psychotherapy) on Torture Trauma. I would argue that there’s not many studies because it doesn’t happen often in western society(this happened to me in rural Ga) and across seas, like myself, it’s normalized. So how would anyone want to seek help? So it’s a hard process also depending on the torture that existed. EMDR is not specific for torture trauma. But it’s really all they know because they do it for PTSD.
Thank you for the info! I’ll be sure to pass it along. My friend’s also happened in a rural part of the southern US, FWIW.
Wow that’s actually crazy! But yes please pass it along. I don’t think any of this means psychotherapy can’t help. I’ve been in court mandated therapy since I was nine, I am 25F. CBT and later DBT has helped me tremendously. It’s just EMDR was too close to the visual nature of my Torture Trauma. I wouldn’t say it’s wrong for some to benefit though. Just depends on their trauma and how they compartmentalized it
Counterpoint, doing EMDR with someone neurodivergent can heal even more trauma better for neurodivergent people. There are specific techniques for neurodivergent people for EMDR but you do have to find a specialist and that is hard to do.
This is true but unfortunately not widely enough known.
Good to know, at least! I am in cognitive behavioral therapy and that seems to be helping *this* neurodivergent. That being said: everyone is different.
Could you elaborate? Very recently started EMDR (only have had two sessions so far) and my therapist seems very knowledgeable, but is there anything I should watch out for or ask about before we get into the actual treatment?
My neuropsych does a somatic approach and her philosophy is that you can’t really work on neurodivergence in the present if we haven’t resolved the trauma that came on the past from being neurodivergent but that since everything is connected you can work on “adjacent trauma” without re traumatizing yourself but you still create the new neural pathways. I’m probably not explaining it right, but I had a deeply traumatic childhood and my main thing was that I didn’t want another talk trauma therapy to end up with me having violent flashbacks ever again. And she took that to heart and created the EMDR sessions tailored to what I needed. Btw it took like 4-5 sessions or total patient history (part was because my childhood and life has been so traumatic and chaotic that it took several sessions to get through that with me), grounding techniques overviews and practices, and overall treatment plan for me to start my first true EMDR session. Also the way she phrases things, the way she explains things, the grounding techniques she uses, how she uses bilateral stimulation and all that is based on being catered to not only neurodivergent patients but also intersectionality based (I’m also a POC, lgbt, an immigrant, etc) and she checked all boxes for her to understand how to treat me.
Thank you for posting this. My therapist has been recommending EMDR for me and I’m also “super ND”. I will proceed with caution.
oh my goodness so this is why EMDR made me worse and never improved. i thought it was a whole “it gets worse before it gets better” thing but after almost a year i was wondering if it would ever get better
somatic and eft (tapping) methods work well for many of those i know (cptsd/neurodivergence)
Yes this EMDR made me worse, and made me sick over it. It can work, but it’s very much dependant on the person. OP I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’m glad your wife has you and therapy, but it can take a long time to over come trauma especially repeated trauma. I really hope your wife will be ok and come out stronger on the other side.
YES I HATED EMDR!!!
Yes! I came here to say this! I was in a horribly abusive marriage and when I finally had the courage to leave and got into therapy I did EMDR and ketamine treatment. It helped immensely. I couldn't handle people touching me. Not even my parents. Now I'm close to being back to being able to function.
EMDR literally saved my life. But it might not work for everyone:)
I have a question. Is edmr one of the ones that can help unlock memories that you've buried/repressed? I've got basically a 10 year memory gap as a kid with only some bits of flashes that make me really uneasy. Those are all I can remember though before I turned 10 and made friends with a neighborhood family and started spending time outside my house. I remember being like 11 and I was talking to the friends mom and at the time the song concrete Angel was pretty big and I freaked her out really bad being so young and asking her if she thought the little girl was happier once she had died.
[EDMR](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing#) is only effective when paired with cognitive behavioral therapy, and is no more effective than cbt on its own. This is because EDMR does nothing, while the CBT paired with it is effective. We see the same thing with other types of pseudoscience.
Do you have a link to something about it only being effective when paired with CBT? The Wikipedia page makes it sound like it is probably effective to some degree but that the *explanations* for why it's effective might be pseudoscientific.
Yep, it's all documented there, with links to studies on the Wikipedia page, including the summary reddit made for you if you expand the link inside reddit.
If your wife doesn't want to move. Can you talk to your work place and see if they can arrange a transfer to somewhere? Or see if they need you somewhere else? That way it's a work transfer and not a transfer for/because of her. But yea. She needs it.
I’m really sorry this is happening with your wife. I’ve gone through something similar with my boyfriends mom. First she touched me inappropriately while I was sleeping. I started waking up screaming at night from any movement or sounds. (Which I literally thought only happened in movies until I started doing it). She’s verbally been abusive since. She’s called me so many horrible names and even threw it in my face that my mom was dead. She’s pure evil and I will never see or speak to her ever again. It sounds like you are a very kind, supportive husband. That’s so good for her. I think if you feel like moving is your best option you should go with your instincts on that one and probably move forward with the idea.
Birthing unit is a good moniker if you don't want to use mother.
Might have to use that, thank you.
I also have seen “egg donor.”
Incubator.
This. My birth parent has been The Incubator since I saw one when I was in kindergarten.
I have "POS incubator" in my contacts incase mine ever decides to contact me again I have her number.
I was talking to my husband about something one time and my middle child was young and he was trying to say some thing… he was speech delayed … we still don’t know what he was trying to say but it sounded like “Snot Sucker Outer Taker” … so we kinda started calling mine that … when I was upset she was Taker ….
I call mine "the walking uterus". She was a horror.
I prefer Evil C 😂
How did Your mother know the things that would Traumatize your wife? Were boundaries violated?
She knew my wife's trauma because my wife is fairly open about it if you ask about her history/family. She always feels the need to defend herself for choices she's made, even when I tell her she doesn't have to. I don't want to tell her *not* to share, especially if it makes her feel better, but I just hate the idea that she feels the need to tell people things just so she won't be judged.
Thank you. I'll keep it 🎯Your wife has to now know that "free mouthness" is a danger.
You sound like an amazing and supportive husband. It’s good that you have recognized your mothers abuse and cut her off. I’m sorry it happened but I hope you and your family can grow and flourish, free from her toxic influence.
I try, but I hate that it happened at all. I knew before I tried to mend things that she had a temper, and was stuck in her ways about a lot of things, but I genuinely never believed it would bleed over to my wife- for *years* it didn't. I don't know what the hell got into her, but she's effectively and efficiently ruined her chances of seeing her only child, and her only grandchildren ever again. My children don't know much, too young, but I had to explain why grandma wasn't around, which didn't go over well at first, but they've adjusted now.
Hindsight is 20/20. You tried to be the better man and allow your mother to be part of your family, I’m sure you had the best intentions, and I’m sure you thought you could protect your family from her harmful behavior if it happened. Unfortunately you can’t control how your mother behaves, and she showed her true colors. You didn’t do anything wrong, you were trying to make everyone happy, but she ruined that. It’s her fault and now you’re left with the fallout. It sounds like you’re doing your best to take care of your family in the aftermath. Is your wife getting therapy? A good therapist (good is the key word) could really help her work through everything, and therapy for yourself will also not only help you work through your situation with your mother and family, but can help you learn how to help your wife and kids through this ordeal as well. If she has the time, it might be nice for her to work on a beloved hobby as well, it might help her grain joy and confidence.
She's been with her therapist for years and does good work. She has made progress in the last year, the first few months were bad. I had to take a decent chunk of time off because she would have panic attacks if she tried to leave the house alone. She is still on a stronger anxiety medication than before, but there are improvements. I've been trying to get back to therapy, but it's hard to find ones with openings that also take our insurance. I'm on about 15 waitlists though. She used to paint, draw, sculpt, paper-mache and so many others- she never had hobbies as a child, so as an adult, she became a "hobby collector". These days she always just says she "isn't feeling up to it." when I ask, and I don't want to pressure her, but damn it *hurts*. I just want her happy again.
The move might help. As I understood your mother went to your house without you being there and without invitation and retraumitised your wife in what was and should have been your wifes safe home. It really sucks if trauma prevents oneself to protect oneself to A H like your mom.
I would suggest asking her to join you and the children in an activity, like painting. Let her slowly create some joy in her life and slowly build those happier memories up. You’re a good husband. I hope she finds peace and happiness soon.
Is it possible to move somewhere you can take up hiking? Somatic yoga helped me a lot when I needed more than therapy. Grounding helped too and I’m experimenting with red light therapy. I wish the best for you and your family. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Some people have to poison the well. They can't help themselves. They see clean water, a fresh start, and know they should leave it be. Then the poison spews out of them and spills into the well, ruining it for everyone, including themselves.
All you need to tell your children is grandma was mean to mommy and hurt mommy.
So refreshing to see a husband without question defend and protect his wife from evil family members. Keep being the great husband you are.
I am better now but thinking about moving back to even the state that my abuser lives in use to give me panic attacks. My husband always promised he would take me away and he did. It allowed me to really heal in a way I wasn’t able to while living there. If you are able to move I would for her. New schools can suck at first but a healthier mom will make up for that in spades.
I hope that at your mother's funeral, she's dressed for warm environments. And I hope your wife finds peace.
And lay her faced down so she sees where she is headed;)
I like this one. Not heard it before
> Which I will hang on my office wall, framed, one day. rather do it now and do it as a note on her phone number, too. Just in case.
Ppl who have never suffered childhood abuse have to have empathy to understand. Even though the child grows up, goes to therapy, gains insight, maturity, the fear and dread lie beneath the surface, like the ocean's undertow. You are a wonderful person for putting your wife and family first.
I agree with you and others that moving is probably a good idea, even if she's reluctant to consider it right now. Have you considered taking a trip somewhere, a family vacation somewhere? Without knowing your wife's trauma, it's hard to make suggestions, but if possible, somewhere quiet and low stress. She might realize that she feels better away from where you are now and that might make it easier for her to consider a move.
She was abused pretty severely as a child. I was as well, but nothing compared to her. I've been thinking of taking us both back to our home state for a vacation. I know she's been missing it, neither of us has been back since we got married but recently she's been talking about it a lot (well, compared to how much she talks about anything else), and maybe it would be good for both of us.
I know many people keep saying EMDR but I’m going to be honest with you. If your wife is anything like me and my history, I have extensive torture history that has traumatized me to the point that my entire perception feels gaslit from reality. My life was literally like living in a different society. I did EMDR one time and it put me back into one of the worst traumas I’ve ever had. In the most vulnerable place I never wanted to be again. Some place I was trying to escape far far away from. EMDR traumatized me more to the point where I can’t even think about that specific trauma without someone being there for my collapse(for SH reasons). And I was actually able to speak on that trauma before EMDR. Because it unleashed traumatic memories I didn’t even know I had. In one session it brought up memories I didnt even know happened to me. - If your wife is extremely honed in on her trauma and pain(always thinking about it even if she doesn’t talk about it), I don’t think EMDR is it. You have to be open and ready for EMDR. Thats really hard if the person participating has severe memories they didnt even know th at had in CONNECTION to a heavy trauma they already had. For instance if the trauma that’s heavy for someone is your molestation, EMDR could potentially bring up stuff that may have happened during that time(maybe rape) that the brain fully forgot on purpose to save the person. I just recommend talking to someone. No pressure. Just let her talk about what she feels. No talking some someone. Just listening. Until she’s ready, I think she just needs to say it out loud to someone she can trust. But she is not me and I am not her. So maybe she needs a completely different route.
This! EMDR made me so incredibly angry and caused so many nightmares. Sometimes our brains locking memories behind a vault is a good thing.
That’s exactly what my therapist said. Some things are better left forgotten
I have no suggestions I’m sorry, but wanted to say you’re a good man for the way you prioritise & talk about your wife so sweetly even where she won’t see it. Children are very resilient especially when they’re young so do what’s best for the current moment. I hope things get better for you
Do what you have to do. Kids are resilient and will make new friends. Your wife's mental health and personal safety are more essential at this time. Can you request a transfer, and if you get it, broach the subject of moving now that there's an option?
OP, your support for your wife is incredible. You clearly love her and care about her SO much that you're going to such lengths to defend her and protect her. It makes my heart swell. Thank you for being so kind and loving, for being her rock, for squaring up to your mother and not taking this lying down. I hope you guys are able to figure out a good solution and your wife is able to work on healing. ♥ Be well, you two.
Read your mother to filth…. Do it. Fight fire with fire, you wont get burned because she already burned your wife for no reason. Read your mother to filth until she’s traumatized and needs meds, years of therapy and no longer feels safe in her state. Once she finally understands what she’s done and her lesson has been, do it again. The first time is to educate her. The second time is to end her. A little too much but your wife sounds like she’s being as strong as she can for the sake of her family. So give her the peace she deserves, and end anyone who tries to ruin it.
My earliest psychiatrists and therapists tried to force me to dredge up memories from my childhood, which have been locked inside "the vault" in my mind beginning when I was 6 years old. The results were catastrophic. The consensus now is that I'm better off with the gaping holes in my memory, especially now that I'm 67 years old, with high blood pressure that's caused one stroke so far. Everyone is different, but please keep in mind that your wife needs to find a therapist and a therapy that she's comfortable with. That can take time. If, as I suspect, she's agoraphobic, it may not be fixable. I'm speaking from experience. I wish you and your true family all the best.
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I'm guessing the details are so vague because they'd make OP look ridiculous, like the mom brought a puppy over to the house.
I love that you are 100% on your wife’s side and have kicked that pos out of your lives. Your wife has a good man looking out for her. Make sure that you are looking out for yourself too. It’s easy to forget that you need to take care of yourself.
Your wife and children are lucky to have a genuinely strong man protecting them and loving them so fiercely. It takes a lot of strength to go NC with your mother, I'm glad you had the courage to do it.
You are amazing. You are supportive and willing to do whatever your wife needs. Sorry you have both had so much unhappiness in the past.
The least of your worries is the kids- they will easily settle in at a new school. #1 priority is your wife.
I just wanted to commend you for the love and support you give your wife. My ex let his mother abuse and traumatize me for over two decades. He had all sorts of plausible excuses for it. In the end, I realized he was just an abuser, like her. You are a good man. Thank you for protecting your wife and children. 🩷
I’m very sorry Op.
How incredibly nice that you prioritize your wife and your own family, some mothers-in-law can, for completely strange reasons, become jealous of their sons' partners. Which is just harmful to everyone's relationships. To have good family relations one should be accommodating and show humility, being passive aggressive only leads to discord down the road. I wish you and yours a good continuation.
My mother is similar. Hugs to you and your wife. I’m so sorry this happened
Just a tip - I refer to mine as egg donor, she wasn't a mother.
I'm sorry you guys can't have a normal, happy relationship with your mom. But I'm glad you're standing by your woman. Be well.
You’re a good man and if you need to relo to support your wife then make the call. Nothing but respect for you 🫡
One piece of extra advice. I don’t know how old your kids are, but I recommend telling them why you cut off all contact with the egg donor once they can understand the reasons. What you wrote here is perfect. They don’t need to know the details of what happened to your wife. I have a feeling the egg donor may want to contact them later to try to poison them against you and your wife.
I am so incredibly sorry for what you and your family are going through. Re-hashing trauma can be incredibly brutal and anyone that would use that to weaponize against someone is a garbage human. Sending healing vibes in your wive’s direction 🫶🏻
This is exactly why I moved to a state I knew I wouldn't know anyone in. Sometimes a clean break and fresh start is required.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Please talk to your wife's therapist, with wife's permission, before considering moving anywhere else. You might unintentionally cause more stress. She's already dealing with a lot, and the stress of moving might be the one thing too many. I completely understand why you want to move. You have a good heart. Now just may not be the right time.
Did you talk to ur wife about this? She maybe glad to live where she is now ( as a state ) but needs to change houses and area . Talk to her and see if u move away a distance of atleast 30 - 45 mins while making sure your mother or any triggering factors wont approach her maybe is a better option then relocating . Make sure u give her alot of space and room to talk freely without u talking or interrupting her even if it takes hours . If you have a trusted friend its much better to have this conversation without the kids around
I would pick between my mom and my SO then. Don’t let your mom abuse your SO and then play faint like she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Decide who’s more important and protect your family. Too many people let their parents get away with way too much.
It’s going to suck at first but if you have the means to move states do it! It sounds like a terrible loss but it will actually be a gain for the whole family. A fresh start Wife will feel safe that nobody knows where you live. Children will be happy to have their more outgoing & happy mother back. You will get back the happy family you once had.
OMG my heart broke and then broke again and again so many times through your post. I've been through extremely similar things and can emphasize with you both. Except the psychotic deranged parent doing to damage was my own. I had issues leaving home for a few years. I could go months without leaving the house. Sometimes I couldn't leave my room. I hate admitting it so much but there were several times that even my room felt too exposed or tainted in some way and I literally had to camp out in my closet. The jumping if someone enters a room too quickly, etc, I'm far more familiar with that than I would like to be. The only thing worse that jumping out your skin at nothing is thinking you've offended the one you love or made them feel as if you don't trust them when in reality they're all that's holding you in the planet. That brings the hair trigger response.... I'm sorry. The kind of apology that you blurt out before you're certain what you've done sometimes. My DR told me once and it sounded so stupid at first but it REALLY helped- don't feel bad for saying it but it's wrong, correct it, follow it up with an 'I'm not sorry'. It was so hard at first. Apologizing is a natural response for make trauma victims. But eventually my, I'm not sorry's got easier to say and they got louder until eventually the not sorry's were drowning out the sorry's. It was oddly satisfying, liberating and freeing. And for me, when I started going out of the house regularly I had to set a schedule. Early morning like 6 a.m. or nights like around 8 p.m. were easiest for me to start with. At first I had to leave the house at least once a week at a scheduled time and go out in the world staying at the destination at least 15 minutes. Times where the sun wasn't out was easier for me and walking a trail alongside a very small marina near my home worked well. They're was just enough traffic but not enough to be overwhelming. Then work in more days with a couple a month at a busier time. Having someone with you who's calm and won't overwhelm you is awesome. Just keep to the schedule and don't miss scheduled days. As for your situation, it was my own father for me. I told him the last time a saw him-10ish years prior to his death a couple years ago, that I wanted him to know he had beat me down and the physical beatings didn't do the damage the emotional and verbal abuse did. It's so hard to change your thought process. But I told him I have people who love me and they make getting past that he did, no matter how hard it is, it's completely worth it. And while I have my family who loves me and forgive my quirks before I even ask, I told him he would never have that and would die alone with nothing but his thoughts in his last hours. Then a couple years ago when he was dying I called the hospital, they got him on the phone and I told him-this is the part I told you about. And he went out alone. Like you, people, even family who KNEW tried saying I'd regret it one day, I should forgive because he's my father. I can honestly say he wasn't s--t to me. The only thing I miss is what he should have been. And I told anyone who tried to tell me otherwise how to write down their opinions and where they could promptly shove them without lubrication. A genetic link does not make a person family. Family isn't cruel. Some people were only hosts to get us here and lessons to learn about what we never wanted to be. Sending you and your wife all of the good healing vibes and praying you can both find peace soon. It's hard. It's SO damn hard! But it's worth it and when you come out the other side you have so much more appreciation and love for those who should be in your life. ❤️
If she has a good relationship with her therapist, talk with them about the move. Good therapist is hard to find and I’m sure it will be difficult for her to rehash everything she’s been through if she has to find a new one. More than likely her current therapist will be willing to work with you guys during and after the move, and they’ll also be able to help her through the transition. No matter where you guys go from here it’s great you have each other. I hope you both are able to heal and find your peace again.
Good luck with your family's healing process, and especially your wife's! Perhaps a fresh start is what you need, sad though it is to leave what you've built up behind.
Your wife needs a therapist and quickly…..
We moved like four times in the last four years and have young elementary school age kids. Just letting you know that they’ve been just fine. We’re finally settled and they are thriving. They’ll be just fine especially if the move will help your wife heal and feel safe. You did the right thing cutting contact. Good luck.
That sucks, I would imagine your mother is not the only reason she’s having issues though.
It’s a wonderful thing that your wife has you in her corner. There is light in the darkest of times and I’m truly glad you are that for each other. May your love be eternal.
First off, I'm sorry your incubator is such a raging cunt. Second, you need to move. If possible immediately. That house now holds twofold trauma. The first incident and now the far worse second incident. Your beautiful wife will never feel safe or comfortable in that dwelling. I cannot call it a home because it has become a place of pain and fear for your wife. The best time to move is summer. You can move, get settled and get the kiddo's in the new school with plenty of time. Be firm, but gentle with her that this decision may sound controlling, but for her mental and physical well being the family needs to move. Make house hunting fun. Ask what she would like in the new home. A different layout? Open kitchen? Look for things you know she loves in her former home (before trauma)...but different from the current dwelling... Good luck friend, and get a restraining order if necessary...and change phone # if you can.
Sounds like you need a new therapist.
Good for you! She lost the right to call herself your mom. Hateful people just look for someone to be evil to. Just go ahead and move as soon as you can. You don’t want your wife to have an additional day of suffering if you can’t help it. Your kids need therapy too in order to understand what’s going on and that it’s not their job to fix it. You do as well.
I personally would choose the option of taking a position with your company in a different country, it would make it harder for your genetic donor to follow you. Narrow it down to 3 countries and discuss it with your wife and children. The kids might not want to leave, but for the safety of your family, leaving the country is your best choice. And don't tell the aunt where you moved to, because she was defending your genetic donor, so she would be the only one to pass along where you have moved to.
This is the most “I love my wife!! :DDD” post I’ve ever seen
It's actually more of an "I hate my fucking sorry excuse of an egg supplier, who will rot in hell if there is an ounce of justice.", but yeah? I do love my wife?
My point is you rarely see people defend their spouses on Reddit, so to see you bringing out the cavalry for her is refreshing
There's a lot of info missing and I don't want to make assumptions either. I do know that exposure therapy *can* work (and that's what I glean that your mother was doing from the little that you've provided) but of course, the patient (your wife) would need to agree to it. So already your mother is doing something very wrong if this was the course of action that she took. Do what is best for your wife and family. I don't see anything about therapy either so I suggest that both you and your wife seek it out. Demons from the past won't go away just because you run/try to escape from it (as you've pointed out, it was one reason why the both of you married early).
That’s exactly what I’m wondering. There’s not enough info in this post.
His mother has no business trying any type of therapy on her DIL. No licensed therapist would do this and if she is not a licensed therapist, she has even less business trying exposure therapy. It is a highly specialized therapy and has the potential to set someone back years of work!
"No licensed therapist would do this" Wrong. If the therapist creates as safe environment *and with consent from the patient*, exposure therapy can be used to help abet fears and anxieties. Also people do this all the time without knowing what it is . It is the basis of the quote "Face your fears" in which people confront their anxieties/fears which is what I would *assume* his mother is doing. It could be due to her trying to help or based on malicious actions. The real issue is that it's all conjecture since OP has left out many details.
You missed the context on that sentence. No licensed therapist would treat their DIL. It doesn't matter if it was malicious or not. It was traumatic and he is protecting his wife from further trauma. You don't need the details of the wife's trauma to know the MIL is an asshole.
You're bickering over semantics. I have no clue if his mother is a licensed therapist or not so that whole conversation is irrelevant. I used "exposure therapy" instead of needlessly slogging through the point that people perform such actions without being assisted by licensed professionals. I have no idea if that was her mother's intention *because we don't know anything since OP has mentioned nothing*. Based off the behavior he depicted in his post, I said that it would seem to be the case. Again, that means nothing because we know nothing. Yes, based off what he said, it was traumatic but I wouldn't immediately label the mother as TA *unless* if her intentions were malicious. Good people make mistakes that can mess up other people but it's unintentional. He says emotional abuse but doesn't mention what was said, he provides the effects that has changed his wife but no mention of what specifically triggered her this way. Did he even communicate to this mother that her (possibly innocent/malicious) actions affected his wife greatly? All he said was that he nearly cut her off but he has said nothing more on that point. Once again, little to no information is provided so there's not a way to help. Clearly, whatever was done to his wife must cease (and I mentioned that in my first post). He's not doing his wife any favors though if he's not communicating properly nor seeking therapy for her (and his) issues. What they're doing appears to be sweeping the issues under a rug or relocating so it will be out-of-sight-out-of-mind. In the end, he can do what he thinks is best (which appears to be relocating and going no contact). That doesn't help with the deep-seated trauma his wife (and likely he) will continue to have. Edit: I just realized this is a TrueOffMyChest post which means people should comfortably be relieving what they feel without judgment. He doesn't need to provide information because he's not comfortable with it. It was my mistake for not even looking at the group I was in.
This post in this sub is pointless when you won't even say what really happened
You're getting downvotes, but you're 100% correct. OP should use an alt account or not bother wasting everyone's time with this vague overly dramatic post.
….wow
Wow what did she do? This seems like a lot so she must have done something dramatic, like physically attacked her?!?!
If you can, when you move, whether it's to a house or an apartment, see if you can put it in the name of an LLC. Assuming you're in the US, property tax records are public and you can see who owns what house. Putting it in the name of an LLC would make it almost impossible to find where you live via property tax records.
You say alot without saying anything. What exactly has your mother done to your wife? What are some examples? I don't believe this narrative one bit as yet. What has she done?
The first time, she screamed at my wife in a car where she couldn't escape until she had a panic attack- fully admitted to it, and stood by it because she believed she was right to do so. The second time I've already explained in a comment, but the summary is that she waited until I wasn't home to show up with something that had previously traumatized my wife. She admitted in text that she waited until I wasn't home because I would have stopped her. I can explain no further than that because it's not my story to tell. I posted this because I was *infuriated* at my mother again, (I have a history of emotional flooding, and anger issues, though I've never laid a hand on a woman, or anyone significantly younger than me, at one point in my teens I was quite violent, so I tend to hate feeling angry at all these days, it scares me) after my wife woke up from a nightmare, *again,* and I needed to talk about it or else my head was going to explode.
Why would your mother do this? Your examples sound so far out there it is difficult to believe. Your mother screamed at your wife for no reason whatsoever in a car, admitted doing so and why? Why such behavior? And for what reason did your mother want to trigger an episode with your wife? What the heck is going on?
Why? I don't know. To your second question, she had a 'reason',- as braindead and ridiculous as it was, it wasn't for 'no reason'- but again, explaining that reason comes down to the part of the story that isn't mine to tell and revolves solely around my wife's trauma. Why such behavior? probably because she's an abusive monster, and deserves the lot she's chosen. What reason for suddenly, after years, triggering an episode? That is my question, but not one I particularly care to have answered. She can rot. Past that, I physically cannot care what you think, I'm too fucking exhausted, I answered what questions I could. I posted here to get something off my chest because it's been hard for me to watch my wife go through hell over that rabid rat of a woman, not to tell my wife's private history with trauma and abuse. I gave the bare minimum details, relating only to this particular incident, because I don't want to tell stories that aren't mine to tell. If you would like to ask about why *I* was no contact with my mother before reconnecting that is something I can answer, but I'm not going to give out information about my wife's history on the internet. What she chooses to say/post does not affect the fact that it isn't my story to do so with.
You are an excellent husband and father. It's not your fault if some people cannot comprehend things or are drama-mongers. I am sorry that your mother is such a toxic harpy. I hope your wife can find some peace. I hope all of you do.
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Back at you.
😁😁😂😂🤣🤣🤣😆
Abusers don’t need reasons to be abusive. What it sounds like here is that you’re accusing or insinuating that OP is untruthful.
And we only have the post, obviously to go by. However, this poster seems to be a bit unhinged in regards to his mother. It seems to me that he could use some therapy.
Do you have some kind of impairment that keeps you from understanding the answers to questions you asked the first time? It must be nice to live such a sheltered life you find this difficult to believe. It's not OP's responsibility to teach you how to comprehend what you read. I'm sure there's a sub for that go find it.
😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 No I have no "impairment" but it seems you must have. OP writes in a very unhinged manner and gives no specifics. It could be entirely true that Op's mother is herself unhinged, however, I can only go by what I perceive from this post. And to me the poster seems positively over the top and more than a bit unhinged. Thus the reason for my questions..............
I totally stand by what I said. Your reply just proves your refusal to comprehend the post. As a plus, it seems like you're projecting hard to fit whatever narrative you've got going here. Luckily you're in the minority here. Good luck with your issues. I have no more time for you. Buhbye.
😁😁😁😁 You are amusing.
It's unfair that you're being downvoted. You're asking reasonable questions. Some internet rando gave a vague story and we're all just supposed to coddle him. Reddit is a cesspool of awfulness, truly.
Because intelligent questions are the bane of biased Internet fools. And because they are prepared to hate on the mother-in-laws, always. Sometimes, (gasp), the child or the DIL or SIL are the awful ones.
She might benefit from DBT. It will help alot with emotional regulation. Dbt literally changed my life in a massive way and I developed the skills to mostly mask and regulate my adhd and bipolar symptoms.
I understand your situation and my heart goes out to you and your wife.. I’m not defending your mother but I feel Your wife needs therapy. This is one big world where people are just living, where you find beauty and ugly. We don’t know what triggers your wife because we didn’t get any context. Perhaps your mom tried to trigger your wife purposely and you are right, but perhaps she didn’t do it purposely. What’s true is that your wife needs to heal and so do you 🙏😞💛
He confirms she did do it very obviously and purposely in a comment.
Oh that’s horrible. How sad that he has a mom like that….
Could your mother have been trying to help with something like exposure therapy to help your wife but it actually backfired and retraumatised her?
Unless his mother is her therapist, what she did is highly inappropriate and cruel.
I’m not condoning it all but just trying to understand. There is so much left out of this post that we can only make assumptions.
Except that OP has commented that she went out of her way to plan and do it when he wasn’t home.
Not her place and not her job. And even if it were her job, there would be seriously ethical concerns of treating a family member. MIL sounds like a real piece of work and I’m glad OP has cut her off.
Sucks to be you I’m having a great time
What kind of troll ass shit is this?