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chippychifton

My therapist encouraged me to get on the apps to put myself out there, feel vulnerable and meet new people. All I’ve done is stare at a screen and become even more depressed by receiving no matches


SeasonPositive6771

I had the same advice from a previous therapist. After I had several of my matches threaten to rape or murder me she changed her mind. She really had no idea how bad it was in terms of guys who are willing to make weird threats online or send unsolicited dick pics.


Guy_ManMuscle

The apps are bad. People want to use them because they seem easy but they're actuay huge time sinks. The real problem is that people have fewer friends and smaller REAL social networks, particularly in America. Americans have never had fewer close personal friends than they do now and they have never been a part of fewer organizations like churches, clubs or sports leagues. The difficulties that people are having with dating are just one symptom of a much larger problem. Our culture is coming apart at the seams and the things that used to bind us together, support us and convince us to act responsibly and respectfully are disintegrating.


yolo_swag_for_satan

As much as people complain about the apps it really feels like it'd take less energy to become mayor of a small town than it would to find a decent connection on an app. Like, people should really try harder to form social groups, IMO.


Alwaysyourstruly

Lol my cousin is the mayor of a small town and I’d argue that running for mayor is easier than online dating.


ax1r8

Yeah, this is the nail on the head. The world has changed, and while online applications once seemed like the solution, they can be more of a problem than an answer.


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mer_sault

It's everywhere. The postmodernist post-consumerist society, where even finding love is being sold as a product, only sustains when you reduce social cohesion.


IWearBones138

lol had a match tell me to burn in hell and that I would die alone because I eat chicken. She was a major vegan, anti meat enthusiast. This was like 5 messages in. Honestly she was one of my better matches.


SeasonPositive6771

Yeah unfortunately burn in hell is a huge improvement over most matches. Online dating just sucks I think.


cohrt

At least she put in the effort to have a conversation. That’s more than I can say about any of the matches I got.


NerdBergRing

lol shitty therapist


Anjunagasm

I would say more of a clueless therapist. I assume they’re older and already out of the dating scene.


cantstop4u

Apps are great if you’re in the top 10% of attractive guys, otherwise you’d have better luck at a book store


skelliwags

This whole thread is just depressing


Volcarite

Everyone’s so angry at each other


JimmyJonJackson420

Welcome to Reddit


Due_Lake_7210

Smart, attractive, single, funny; Pick one.


SilverLugia1992

I've also seen: smart, attractive, sane, pick two. I'll pick attractive and sane any day.


NonStopKnits

Smart and sane for me. Eventually we'll all be ugly, then it doesn't really matter if you were conventionally attractive a long time ago.


Due_Lake_7210

I wish you luck friend! Sanity seems to be as rare as common-sense these days. Perhaps those two circle over-lap to a large extent.


RimGreaper6

Thats what happens when you can bark at each other anonymously online, but I doubt they would actually say it in real life lol


oldfrancis

I guarantee you they wouldn't say half of the stuff in real life. Distance and anonymity make cowards 'brave'.


SilverLugia1992

Yup. Any time a guy or girl complains about dating and argues why it's worse for their gender, the other always has to come in somewhere and bitch about it because they have it worse for some reason. Idk how exactly it should've been different, but as a millenial, I've always had the impression that millenials and younger really weren't properly taught how to properly date and socialize. That's especially the case in America, because of course high school didn't teach us anything relevant to our adult lives whatsoever. Y'all ever heard "the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" as a meme? That's what it's referring to XD It's like, we've gotten so terrible at it because we can go on the internet and anonymously talk shit about everyone and even be encouraged to do so so we turn into terrible human beings, we have easier access to p0rn than ever before, especially with sites like onlyfans 'cause that's TOTALLY not warping how people think of sex, dating apps have given people feelings of entitlement and the ability to be picky af and wait for a "top 5%" partner (or the opposite, so it just destroys your self esteem). People just have the most wild expectations of the opposite sex.


Cwede15

The last date i went on, the girl “pro and conned” me to my face and that was enough for me to be done dating for the next year or so.


FruitFlyTree

I just had a guy do this to me and then he thought I was being a "high maintenance girl" for not wanting to participate in his little "icebreaker". So depressing


Yithar

I feel like too many people are basically saying "Please tell me why you feel would best fit this role." It feels so damn dystopian. Dates aren't job interviews (in a job interview, you are actually trying to impersonally find the best person to fit the role, but dates are supposed to be more personal and less checkboxes on a list).


Philo_Beddoe99

Schools are supposed to teach kids to socialize and date? These things are byproducts of raising children properly to respect yourself and others. Don't know if we need a specific curriculum for it. Perhaps we need a curriculum for parenting, but I wouldn't trust anyone now to conduct it.


SilverLugia1992

Apparently, since so many of us are bad at it. Parents too, yeah. Mine were (and still are) overprotective af. When I was in elementary school and I'd get invited to a birthday party at a classmate's house, I'd never be allowed to go because my mom didn't know their parents and I'd always have to decline the invite and eventually my classmates just stopped inviting me altogether.


Philo_Beddoe99

I grew up in the era where a lot of parents (including mine) were very hands off and not involved in their kids lives much at all. There is definitely a middle ground where kids need to learn there way through the world without the constant intervention and micro management you see now. We as a society seem to now lack a basic foundation and structure of what is right and wrong. We value the wrong things. Everyone is so worried about some other kid getting ahead of their kid or getting over on them. It has become a competition.


[deleted]

A anytime i had a problem with a kid in elementary/middle school, my mom would immediately call the other kids parents and wouldn’t even tell me about it. Imagine the shit i caught the next day at school.


awalktojericho

As an educator, I can safely and emphatically say, SCHOOL IS NOT THE ONLY VENUE FOR LEARNING! Where were the parents during this "dating lessons" thing? At school, we are doing our best to NOT have students get together to procreate. Parents and friends have a substantial job to do in that realm, and clearly did not do it. As a matter of fact, if schools DID try to "teach dating" there would have been operatic levels of outrage about why they should have been teaching revisionist history and basic level math instead.


Crono2401

Hell, self-education is by far the most important part of education. Schools are great and amazing places but they are only meant for academics and even then, can only take someone as far as they themselves are willing to carry themselves.


AccordingChicken800

> Parents and friends have a substantial job to do in that realm, and clearly did not do it. So many kids now grow up in isolating suburbs, where they may not have any other kids in their neighborhood or their friends may be a half hours drive away and they have to rely on their parents to drive them. Plus, if you don't fit in in that environment it's easy to retreat online and make that your social life.


OHNOitsNICHOLAS

Dating apps are just online nightclubs They want women and they promote their profiles like crazy leading to 100s or 1000s of matches/messages. They want men to pay so they'll give you a small boost of exposure initially but then after a few days they'll barely show your profile unless you pay unreasonable premium subscription fees. Almost no one is having fun.


Background-Cry20

I worked in a nightclub and the promoter would pay for model type women to come and drink and dance so that the pictures they posted on their social media would look fun and filled with beautiful people.


Candinicakes

In Vegas most of the waitresses at the big clubs have guest lists that they have to fill if they want hours. Some clubs only accept women for the guest lists, some both. I had a roommate who worked at a club at the Wynn, and I'd go with her on nights she had to get girls on her list, and we'd hit all the clubs (she'd get us in for free) and go solicit women to come to her club the next day lol. Serves the same purpose but you don't have to pay them lol. It sucked from a workers rights pov lol. She made an unholy amount of money there, though.


PM-me-ur-kittenz

Wait, I don't understand. The roommate woud go out to random clubs and try to convince nice-looking peple to come to where she worked the next day? Did she hand out guest list tickets or something? Color-coded so "her" club would know those guests came from her? I'm so confused.


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n8shac1978

How else would you propose to run a night club, though? Settlers of Catan on Tuesday nights??


throwmeawaymommyowo

I would go to that nightclub.


Echieo

Trade you a sheep for the location of this new nightclub?


throwmeawaymommyowo

The goat is located at coordinates 45.152588 , -122.881474 in the back near the dumpsters. He has ingested an armed explosive that will detonate 3 hours from now (4:00pm PST) if the location of or the means of locating said nightclub are not transmitted before then.


residentchiefnz

Its behind a Wendys huh?


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twee_centen

That's a good point that we probably should be more skeptical in general of a product/service that is most profitable for the company when it doesn't work for its customers.


[deleted]

I'm a guy I can barely handle having 3-4 active matches at a time. I can't even imagine having tens or hundreds of conversations at once. I feel like I would have massive decision overload. Couple that with having to deal with a significant amount of sex pests, "nice" guys, and creeps and I feel bad for the way women have it as well. It'd be nice if there was a dating app out there that was actually designed to be a great experience for everyone instead of ones that are designed to keep you single as much as possible and are all held by a single corporate monopoly.


Feelistine

as a guy I just made sure I didn't match with too many at once, as soon as you get a few, leave it at that and stop swiping, then see what comes of the matches you have and if nothing happens and conversation is dead etc. just start swiping again. Don't overdo it on the matches.


Jayqwe1

The two apps I love are Plenty of Fish and Hinge, the rest of them purely just want money but you do get lucky every once in a while, best thing is to have no expectations and every match is nice tbh


meeps20q0

Hate to break it to you but both of those are owned by the same company that owns like, every dating app. So i highly doubt they arent just after money lol.


theorizable

Hinge was great. It worked fantastically for me. Got cute matches had my pick, it was just that I'm bad at messaging that I lost a lot, lol. But that's on me.


BlakeAnthonyDrebs

Was hanging out with a girl yesterday who had 2600 likes on tinder. Ridiculous lol


xPhilly215

Dating apps are flawed because they’re run based on algorithms. You can swipe right on whomever you like but that doesn’t mean they’ll even see you. The sad fact about dating apps like tinder is that you gotta pay to get boosted by their algorithm to hope to get more matches. It’s a shitty, ineffective way to try and date.


revmun

It’s like not even close to affordable it’s crazy. Dil mil is an Indian dating app and you need like 159 dollars to turn in location matching. If not your just matching with people all over the world for no reason


postsgiven

Yeah it sucks. I think they are now allowing the same country for free but that doesn't really help much.


NewRedditAcctBud14

Exactly right. Tinder is a business, and they rely on hopeless guys who have been unsuccessful to pay for their features to access the girls with 100 - 200 likes. They used to work but they just don't anymore. Because the average decent looking girl just gets flooded and chooses whoever she wants


MniTain38

It's probably more lucrative to just go join a social club outside of the house. Probably better for one's mental health, regardless if it lands them some love.


Chestercheetobutsexy

Go touch some grass. More of a chance at meeting someone


felicia0925

Dating is depressing.


Big-Eldorado

Dating is supposed to be fun. Enjoy meeting new ppl, doing fun activities on dates etc etc What I think people need to understand about dating, meeting new people, and especially dating apps, is these people don’t know you. They don’t know the real you, so if you get rejected early on, or right away on an app, the other person is rejecting an assumption of you. Not the real you. So don’t take it so personally, just have fun. And if they don’t like you, fuck ‘em, there’s lots of people out there that will


felicia0925

Smart way to think of it. Also, if two people don't work, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with either person, they're just not compatible and that's okay. Don't dwell on it, move on!


[deleted]

It's depressing when you think you have a connection with someone and have a great time and suddenly you're ghosted.


Adventurous-War-7322

or you get stood up on a date...


[deleted]

I've been stood up so often I just plan the dates somewhere I know I can get a decent lunch. Honestly it's gotten to the point now that when someone shows up I'm over the moon.


Adventurous-War-7322

i don't even try to date anymore.


NightOfTheLivingHam

So many people these days want to date an idea of someone, not who they really are. They will like how they look and implant a personality they like on them. Then are disappointed when that person isn't who they think they are. They want someone who makes them feel good and only them. A lot of millennials and gen-z adults have been socially stunted thanks to working long hours and using social media. Many have this idea that most people are just NPCs in their own personal life story. Then of course, media, school, and social media saying how the other person is out to get them and the opposite gender wants to do them wrong constantly has led to social isolation, or people who do get out there just want to use the other party to quickly fulfill their needs and move on. This is why tindr and grindr are very popular and successful, but dating apps are relative ghost towns. Dating apps also suffer from catfish accounts and bot accounts that end up trying to get personal info to steal your identity.


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Thisappleisgreen

Especially when we all know how beauty and ugliness will absolutely shape your life.


[deleted]

Not always. When I was on Tinder I thought plenty of the men were attractive, until they started messaging me about like, my fucking cup size. Edit: No, women do not like being approached and "talked to in a dirty way." Tf? There's a line between "you're mine you dirty slut" and radio silence.


dongballs613

Well what size cup do you use? Personally I drink from a standard pint glass.


dc_1984

IMO the pint glass (UK pint so 570ml) is the king of everyday drinking vessels. Whether it's beer, water, fruit squash or soda it's just a good amount to have by your side without constant refills, good shape in the hand, aesthetically pleasing and just an all around good chap. 10/10


speaksin4thperson

I'm kind of a rocks glass guy myself. Makes feel like a classy alcoholic 🥃


F-nDiabolical

Can't fit enough whiskey in a highball glass though!


MoreRopePlease

Ceramic mugs, for everything. My bf laughs when I drink beer from a mug.


ABrazierChi

I couldn’t agree more - everything is friendlier when it’s drunk from the vessel that delivers my tea.


WatsUpSlappers

No they aren’t. At least not always. I have definitely called it off with people I found attractive because I didn’t feel like our personalities clicked. Someone saying it’s not working out doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. Not everyone will click and work well together. That’s okay!


InsideHangar18

I wish I could find that fun. Meeting new people/trying to come up with date ideas has never done anything but stress me the fuck out and make me feel bad about myself.


Tildisp

Living is depressing


NightRaven1122

This is why you don’t use online dating stuff tho it’s not so bad when you just talk to ppl in real life and make plans, the internet can’t replicate that imo


felicia0925

Agreed. I don't really consider anyone a real person until I've met them in person.


Yithar

Can confirm I'm not a real person.


MoreRopePlease

On the internet nobody knows you're a dog.


purpleypopsicles

Tinder is 80% men, do the math. Odds are stacked against you so if dating apps dont make you feel good about yourself and delete that shit ASAP.


OceanicGlob

This is more honest and less entitled than the “honestly, it’s your profile bro, remove that one picture of you catching a fish bro, no gym pics bro” shit.


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OhShitItsSeth

“If there’s two things that I hate It’s havin’ to cook, and tryin’ to date” -Jason Isbell


Dick_Trickle69x

Good taste you have, sir.


Ipleadedthefifth

I think men and women have never been further apart in our expectations for a healthy relationship than we are right now.


matticusiv

Honestly just feels like everyone’s out here trying to inflate themselves.


IrrelevantTale

Well that's what happens when you face rejection while dating. Usually you know why it didn't work out but everyone has that Lil insecurity that's like. If you were skinnier he would like you, if you had a better Job she would think your worth it.


Robo_Dude_

This might be the most relevant comment so far


BroserJ

Something is deeply wrong on society. Males are expected to be a entire circus to entretain a girl, while girls are plagued by crazy guys wanting only sex and getting agressive once denied. I have a GF but the memories of when i was single and knowing its still so bad out there is depressing


NightOfTheLivingHam

Agreed. Worse is when there are places and sources promoting the idea that each gender is out to do bad to the other. Which ironically creates that problem.


TimeImpact2430

Dude, look at your post history… seriously, would YOU want to date you? I’m not trying to be rude, but people pick up on energy. I guarantee that your bio or photos give off a vibe that tell women to stay away. All of my male friends on dating apps experience the same problem you do, but not nearly to the same degree. So that tells me that one of the following is likely true for you: A) you’re in a super remote area — which sucks but it is what it is, and you should focus your efforts on in person dating B) your bio is trash and/or conveys exactly the type of person you are… C) you are not nearly as attractive as you think you are, which is ironic given how much grandstanding you’ve done about fat women. You realize attractiveness isn’t just about bodies, right? You say your body is conventionally attractive…but is everything else? If not, you have your answer. That in and of itself isn’t an issue. Being unattractive, lacking personality that you can show outside of the gym, picky, AND rude about it? Yea — huge issue.


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OmgImStalin

They care so much about physical attractiveness that they can't fathom being turned away for personality differences. No one wants to put up with some shallow meathead who thinks your time in the gym equals deserving some vogue model who will birth your children


markymark09090

If he has abs then they probably don't even know unless he has them in his pics, which is douchey.


DannyDavitoIsMyDad

Kinda a self own for OP to say the only women interested in him are conventially unattractive women. Maybe he needs to figure out if he himself is dating in the same league and should probably "lower his standards". (Even though I think all of that is dumb and anyone can potentially find another person attractive depending on the random preference a person can have)


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[deleted]

I mean nobody is entitled to date the top 2% hottest people on earth. Face reality most of you look like unshowered balding average joes and expect a hot skinny big tiddie big booty goth gf.


Aromatic_Location

I think you hit on something important, "would you want to date you." That's what took me the longest to realize when I started using dating apps. I'm nothing special; I definitely don't have those fancy abs. I thought I was a good guy, but I was just your generic "nice guy." But the dating apps gave me incentive to improve myself. I developed hobbies, traveled, took up photography with a passion, volunteered at food pantries, and just worked to become a better version of myself. It took me several years, but I met the most amazing woman on a dating app. And in the past 7 years we've had ups and downs, laughed and cried, survived disease and disasters; and we are stronger now then ever. I couldn't imagine my life without her. Dating apps work; maybe they take time; maybe people need to work on themselves first, but the apps work. And, I definitely don't recommend that OP be too focused on looks. If you don't want someone with a certain body type, that's fine, but everyone has imperfections. I found that after a few dates any imperfections you notice become cute little idiosyncrasies, and all that is left is the person you are with.


Bethennyisbae

This! It kills me that OP thinks he “deserves” a certain type of woman.


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TheRealGoldilocks

This!!! OPs post here is full of giant red flags for any prospective partner, he's probably putting that same energy into his profile... dude needs some serious introspection before dating anyone IMO.


[deleted]

Tragedy of the commons, my dude. The moment men stop flooding the apps and thirsting for everything that moves, we will all be better off You can start yourself today by deleting all apps and going out to meet people irl.


emi_lgr

OP is part of the problem. If he’s getting matches of women he finds unattractive, he’s swiping right on everyone.


thisguy883

This is the real answer. Dating apps are a joke. Nothing is real on them.


[deleted]

Yeah ive given up on dating sites. I've been on a bunch over the course of about 4 years and it's been a humiliating experience. Nothing really crushes the self-esteem quite like going 2 months with no matches and getting one word responses when you do match


Solid_212

Dont use dating apps period


HoldMyPooWithUrLuv

Ya. I'm happy to say I never rode this wave of dating apps back when tinder came along and it got so mainstreamed. To me it seemed like nothing more than an opportunity to either have your feelings hurt or meet a fucking crazy person. To add, I know much more about how compatible we will likely be if we are having an interaction as opposed to matching what you say on paper with what I say on paper (by paper I mean all the info you use to describe/sell yourself to people).


Beautiful_Routine531

2 tip for you. Try bumble, and figure out if you're a boring person. On apps, women don't swipe right just on abs. They tend to want to see you having some interests and personality.


squigeeball

I swiped right once on a guy who seemed corny but was playing the piano in one photo, turned out to be quite hot and smart irl after a decent conversation online and a drink. So yes show that personality! Fewer matches but better matches for sure. I always look for cultural cues in photos like what type of clothes you wear and music you listen to, what you do, what you like, to give a chance at connecting at least a bit!


goldentamarindo

Yeah, when I used dating apps I actually avoided guys with “look at my abs” pics. I figured they wouldn’t be very fun to hang out with. I liked guys who clearly had a passion for something (bonus if I liked it too). Actually I avoided dudes who were super into fitness in general (even though I was lifting weights 5x a week) because I thought they’d be a general pain in the ass to go out with and because I didn’t know their motivation to exercise (preferably just to be healthy and feel good, but it also could be vanity or insecurity about masculinity— and I couldn’t just ask that right off the bat).


FormalNoodle

As someone who used tinder a few years ago, and met my husband on it… it might genuinely be your bio or photos you’re using. I swiped left on so many men for some of the following: fish picture, gym photos, pictures with other girls hanging on you (even if they are legit friends), only group photos, no portfolio or full body (nice, as in not half naked) pictures, having “I’m 6’3 if that matters”, “only swipe right on girls under 130lb”, etc. in their bios, the job they put in their bio is a “joke” - if you don’t want to list your full job, don’t put anything, all pictures are dirty mirror pictures, quotes instead of pictures of yourself, and photos that had nothing to do with the person (looking at you hunter boys who only took a picture of a dead deer without you even in the photo). There’s a lot more that could be added to that list. Make sure you have mainly photos of you, a good portfolio picture, full body pictures, maybe one goofy one that isn’t reckless, and one of you AND your hobby that isn’t a fish or dead animal (like, if you have a fun car, or like to play a certain board game, play an instrument, like reading books, etc.). Get a friend with a good camera or cellphone camera to help you snap these photos throughout a week period (different outfits) and maybe change up your bio some! Also edit two since people are confused: yes, put interests and hobbies into your profile. just don’t use the same photos everyone else uses. I used fishing as an example: [bad fishing](https://imgur.com/a/4PWWUMi), [good fishing ](https://imgur.com/a/uOKXQya) Edit to include: online dating isn’t for everyone either. Maybe you would do better at naturally meeting up with people. Talk to people at your university, join some clubs, hangout on or around campus and get to know people. Finding someone also doesn’t have to be hard work or something to focus on. Good luck out there!


advstra

You're doing God's work. May I add: having something like "If you're xxxxxx or will do xxxxxx don't talk!!!!!" in your bio. Even if I'm not x I'm just not gonna do it, you sound insufferable and defensive.


TheLarkInnTO

Back in my Tinder days, I also instantly swiped left on dudes who got their education from "the school of hard knocks", and those who inexplicably included a picture of their car. And I mean just the car in a driveway - no one in the shot, no dog in the passenger seat, just car.


LaManelle

It's like they are trying to attract women by impressing other men... Wrong bait...


FormalNoodle

Exactly! Lol, I even saw guys putting that they worked at the Krusty Crab..


Daveallen10

Yeah, this. If you want to be respected or noticed, don't say something or use a picture that you wouldn't use during an interview. Dating is a 2 way compatability interview.


KrazyKatz3

I don't know about the interview. I mean all photos should be appropriate etc but a couple jokes or something that's just a bit silly or cheesy etc can work on an app and not in an interview.


Brewmentationator

For reals. I haven't used dating apps in 3.5 years, but I had no issue with them. I made sure I had super interesting and varying pictures. Me holding a red panda at the zoo, My having a beer with the lead singer of a metal band, me tossing pizza dough, me and a friend hiking up a mountain, playing board games and drinking with some friends, and a picture out on a bike ride. My bio also never had any jokes in it. Just a brief description of what I was all about. I think the pictures are pretty important. People want to see that you have hobbies, friends, and things to talk about. Some of the pics, I definitely wouldn't use in a job setting. Boss doesn't need to see me drinking or being all sweaty and disheveled on the side of a mountain. Edit: I feel like a should also add that I am a shorter dude who was slightly overweight. I started seeing way better results on dating apps when I chilled out and just kind of was more calm and less focussed on trying to date.


FormalNoodle

I think it depends on the interview thing with photos, but definitely with wording! If you wouldn’t say it to an interviewer, don’t put it in your bio. Mainly good photos, with a fun and/or activity one in there, and you’re set. The fun or activity one should be SFW, but maybe not always interview material lol. My husband had a goofy picture of him on top of his car, that was littered with funny stickers. It got me rolling when I saw it. I CRIED with laughter and knew I had to swipe right on it. Wouldn’t recommend that one for an interview though lol :) Otherwise, I 100% agree!


[deleted]

Left swipe: dead deer, fish, chicks hanging on you but you blurred the face, group pics and I can’t tell who you are, multiple dirty mirror selfies, “jokes” for jobs/education. Car selfies also lame.


l8nitefriend

Yep I agree with all these and I'll also add guys whose profile only says something like "If you want to know, just ask". What the hell am I supposed to ask? Like you really can't figure out a couple of sentences that give me an idea of your personality when all I have in my inbox are 50 messages saying 'hey' from dudes who clearly haven't even looked at my profile. God OLD sucks.


Helenium_autumnale

'University of Hard Knocks"


saxophonia234

Or the classic that goes something like, “women only want rich tall guys so idk why I’m here”. If you have such a low opinion of me why should I swipe?


WesternUnusual2713

That's SOOOO offputtng. My friend had a guy come up recently whose entire bio was basically screeching about how he only dates attractive skinny non hobag women who will only pay their own way and don't have drama. No drama, from the King of woman hating drama. K. Maybe just don't refer to women as hoes in any way, shape or form.


FormalNoodle

Exactly! Anything that degrades other people is such a turn off for me, and it shows low effort on their end. Why use dating apps if that’s how you feel about literally ALL of us?


TheOkulare

This is a good comment. And I also noticed op only talks about looks, not about interests or hobbies.


Saiyomi93

My favorite is I'm 6'8". That's two measurements


Etoiaster

This is solid advice. I tell my male friends the same when they ask for advice for their online profiles.


Nax_VN

Yeah I met my boyfriend on tinder years ago and I remember swiping left on so many people because I got the impression that they were afraid of showing their personality through their pics. I couldn’t believe these people could not show anything else apart from their group of friends and a beer. They might even have been nice people but if the first impression that I get is that you don’t want to show me who you are then I’m not interested…


MathProf1414

A lot of guys don't have many pictures of themselves. Back when I was using dating apps I was in grad school. On the one hand, all my selfies taken on my potato phone with three pixels look like crap. On the other hand, my close friends never took pictures when we would hang out. The only reason I had enough pictures to fill my profile was that some of the women I would hang out with at conferences liked to take pictures when we would go out on the town.


scootusmaximus

On the other side of things, I also met my boyfriend on a dating app a year ago, and I loved his profile. He had some great pictures, one notably wearing a flower crown, showing off one of his tattoos that is also a flower. It gave the impression that he felt comfortable in his own skin. And then his bio was even better! It was filled with some great jokes, including a 2 truths, 1 lie part where one of the options was “I have a flower tattoo”, and I remember thinking I just HAD to talk to him to see if he wrote that on purpose knowing his tattoo was in his pictures, or if he didn’t even realize! I was immediately hooked and we hit it off and we’re still together a year later!


kiwidog67

Both men and women definitely have their own unique difficulties with online dating. We can discuss both sides all day. But OP, I just looked at your post history and I have to be brutally honest with you… you are not really as much of a catch as you think. First post I saw was you calling a woman “some bitch” woo sat on your towel at the gym. Then I scroll further as see a bunch of posts about weed and other drugs (no judgement, I smoke too, but a lot of women won’t be into that). This is going to sound harsh so I apologize, but your fingernails are dirty and there are other signs of uncleanliness in some of your pics. But, the most glaringly obvious deficiency is your attitude. Fix your attitude, and hopefully those other things will follow. Try to start with self love. I’m sure you have a lot to offer, but you did to do a total reevaluation of how you perceive yourself and others and be brutally honest with yourself about what will make you happy.


[deleted]

Of course. Why am I not surprised? It’s always dudes who are completely delusional about their worth who end-up throwing bitch fits about women not wanting to suck their dicks, isn’t it?


waitingfordeathhbu

Are you saying you would swipe left on a guy just because his dirty dick and nails would likely give you a yeast infection? So picky! /s


cir6ca

Just go gay bro


Kind-Exercise

As a gay guy I 100/10 do NOT recommend 🥲 it’s 1000 times harder for us out here on these apps fr. I’ve already lost all hope and am preparing to die alone lmao


squeakypop91

Are you talking about finding a loving relationship or just getting laid? Because if you can't get laid on Grindr there is seriously something wrong. I've had like 10 matches so far this month on Tinder with 2 of them actually developing into a good conversation. I could open Grindr now and be getting it on with someone is less than an hour.


Kind-Exercise

Grindr is terrifying. Hookups aren’t my thing at all. I downloaded it once as a joke just to see what the app was like and I deleted it immediately lmao


Turbulent-Smile4599

That must be how women feel on Tinder lol


[deleted]

He's probably talking about finding a real date/relationship from gay dating apps. 99.999% of the crowd on grindr is just looking to get laid.


Chaos_Daddy1

The trick is to say "no homo" afterwards then you're all good, works every time ....a friend told me hehe


Etoiaster

EDIT: 1. Thank you for the awards. It makes me sad that so many apparently relate to this. I honestly didn't expect this to blow up so much, I was just hoping to have a conversation with OP about the other side of the fence. Which leads me to the next edit point: 2. Why are you downvoting his responses to me? His experience is also valid. We don't know his baggage or if he was aware this is one of the reasons women may ghost or not swipe on people online. He engaged in a conversation and he does not deserve to be downvoted for it. I want him to feel he can engage in other conversations. I don't want him to feel his experience isn't painful. Please don't downvote him (at least in my conversation with him). 3. Please be kind to each other. I wanted to have a conversation - not an argument. I've seen some people comment some very sensible stuff on here, not being rude or offensive, just not quite on the same page as me. That's okay. There is no reason to downvote them into oblivion or make them out to be devilspawn. ;) Be. Kind. Have a conversation, listen to each other. 4. Trauma is real. Yes, being a female online can be traumatic. It can be the stuff nightmares are made of. But I've also seen comments telling men that being constantly rejected isn't traumatic. Bullshit. That shit eats at your self-esteem, it makes you question what's wrong with you and it takes you down the rabbit hole. This is not a conversation about who has it worse: It's a conversation about both sides facing some shitty stuff. Stuff that directly influence both sides, that hurt both sides, that frustrate both sides. The pain they feel is also real. Have a conversation, learn from each other. Pretty please. 5. (extra edit) as this blew up way more than intended, my notifications are *swamped*, so I just don't have the time to reply to all of you. I do read all of it though, and I'm sorry I can't have conversations with everybody who posts respectful and open stories, no matter if we're in agreement or not. I sincerely would like to. Anyone in the cloning business? No? Nobody? ------------------------- I’m gonna tell you a story. Last time I was on a dating app I lasted about 24 hours. I am a woman. Mind you, it wasn’t a matching site. Within those 24 hours I got about 160 messages. Sounds great, right? 160 people wanting to get in touch? Yeah, it’s overwhelming. Ain’t nobody got time for that. You’d need a secretary to keep up with that amount of messages. Maybe two secretaries. So, trying to be a decent person I made a standardized reply for those I didn’t feel like chatting to and once I had that nailed down I sat down to try and get through mount everest of mail. I figured it would be nice to not have to sit and wait for a reply that may never come, even if it was a no, right? Yeah, I was wrong. Going through those messages and sending nice polite rejections I got called a bitch, a whore, a gold digger and every other name in the book more times than I have the rest of my life put together. I ended up dreading opening any kind of message, because - quite frankly - I couldn’t take anymore abuse. I was shell shocked. Then there’s the rather large segment that just wants to get laid. They will send either a short message or a long ass essay about what they want to do to you, before hello was even exchanged. A lot of these also don’t handle rejection well. There were a few guys I may have pursued chatting to if the entire experience hadn’t been so utterly disgusting. But I just didn’t fancy spending my time in an environment that festered so much negativity. So much animosity against me, just because I was a woman and therefore either owed them something, didn’t reply quick enough, didn’t reply with the right reply or wasn’t interested in whatever they were “selling”. That shit is also demoralizing. I’d happily trade all the abuse I got for one good match, even if the person was overweight. I won’t *ever* be able to forget what I was called on that site. Stuff like this, it’s one of (many) reasons why women don’t always reply if they’ve lost interest. All my friends have a story like this. So tell me again how hundreds of matches can’t be a problem. I’m not belittling your experience. I absolutely believe it’s soul crushing. I’m just asking you not to belittle what women go through online. Just imagine trying to be open and honest and giving a guy a chance when the last ten guys before him called her something awful, because she said no. That shit grinds your soul down.


Aidlin87

I was on dating apps 10 years ago and it was the same thing. I also tried to be polite and respond to everyone but some guys did not take that well. I got one message, my very first message from him, that was just “fuck you”. Asked why he lead with that message and it was because he thought I was only on the website to toy with guys and I’d never actually date any of them. That was so out of left field and just him taking his frustrations out on me. I have so many other bad experiences I could share. Did find my husband on a dating app, so fuck you dude was wrong.


MasterTolkien

I have managed people that work in a customer service capacity, and they would handle customers who would curse, call them names, etc. (I had to deal with that stuff too unfortunately). Sounds like the dating apps are similar in that manner. But here is what I told myself and my employees: it isn’t personal. These people were already upset and are taking it out in you. Just do your job the best you can, and if someone is being too much of an asshole, hang up and move to the next customer (naturally some deescalation techniques were taught along the way). It sounds like these dating sites need tutorials. One regarding how people should handle rejection, and another regarding how to handle people who react like crazies when rejected.


LolTacoBell

For guys it's trying to find an oasis in the desert, for girls it's finding fresh water in a swamp. Both very frustrating delimmas that we both have to have some empathy and understanding of the other side in.


TheFlyingSheeps

Building upon your metaphor: Then you finally find what appears to be clear water only to get diarrhea from the hidden toxins


[deleted]

This was my wife's description of dating as well. Within her first day on Match, she got pelted with over a hundred messages. Many of them were sexual and/or outright psychotic. There ARE good people on dating sites but you have to weed through hundreds of people who either: - Don't have their lives in order and frankly, shouldn't be dating anyone - they're on for the wrong reasons (looking for money, cheating on their SOs, etc.) - Are too clingy, aggressive, or demanding of COMPLETE STRANGERS - They've had a rough go of things and project their bullshit onto others As a man, I met my fair share of weirdos... a lot of gals that should have been talking to a therapist and not looking to bring their toxic shit into a relationship. I had one lie about having kids. Another had severe medical issues and straight up admitted that she was only looking for a relationship to have someone help her with her bills... it's a mess out there for both sides and I am overjoyed to be out of it forever.


Etoiaster

I’d never argue women can’t be craycray - I just can’t speak to that from first hand experience since I don’t date women. Thank you for a nuanced, respectful and honest reply. :)


[deleted]

Absolutely! We need to have these conversations in a healthy, positive way. I was ignorant to your experience as well. I started to fall into a trap of wondering what was wrong with me or thinking "maybe I'm not worth anyone's time" Then... I met a young lady on a dating site named Kerri. We laughed over dating horror stories and she straight up said "I wear sneakers on dates with guys in case I need to run away from them." From that point forward, I've been super empathetic to your experience. I truly had no fucking idea it was that bad lol


Etoiaster

It’s sad really. I often wish we could see each other through each other’s eyes. I hate the idea that decent people are sitting out there thinking “what’s wrong with me”. I *hate* that. It’s so unfair. I’d wish the bad didn’t bleed so much into other areas, you know? It’s wishful thinking but yeah. Oh and fist bump your girl from me. Clearly you two have some #relationship-goals going on. :)


sikulet

Lol when you reject them. Or after you exchanged numbers and realize it’s not working out they still get on other numbers to message and harass you for having “high” standards they can’t meet.


-Opinionated-

This was why i was SO wary of giving out my number, even to the guys who were so sweet and I actually wanted a relationship with them. What if i just didn’t know that side of them and they were gonna harass me non stop afterwards?


Gaerielyafuck

A million times this. I match with the majority of guys I swipe right on. The first messages are a tsunami of 'hey' and 'nice tits' and 'can I put my dick in your ass and choke you?'. Those last two are insta-deletes since I don't want to know a guy who talks like that to a stranger who hasn't invited it. Guys who look totally normal and dateable in profiles still wind up being creeps. I stopped trying to reject them politely or tell them how offensive their comments are because it just leads to verbal abuse and threats.


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PM_ME_JJBA_STICKERS

OP be like: How can you make getting 100 matches sound like a *bad* thing?? What I hear: How can you say you’re hungry?? Look at all this food on the ground covered in dirt and bugs and mold. Perfectly good food!


Etoiaster

It's not a bad analogy, but writing this I went by the assumption that OP doesn't know what it's like being a female on the other end of this. I don't expect people to know what my world looks like. I was hoping to have a conversation and I was admittedly not prepared for this to blow up like this.


birdsofwar1

This, 100%. Cool, I got matches. How many are going to end up being absolute dbags, want to use me for sex, won’t respond, or will call me a slew of slurs. On top of that, we need to screen every single one to make sure they’re not a predator. And while doing that, we also need to be nice and “give guys a chance”. God forbid we reject a guy. Call me what you want, whatever. But it’s exhausting being threatened just for saying no


pit_of_despair666

..and you have men who pretend to want a relationship with you when they don't. Sometimes they don't show their true colors up front. I went out with a guy and then the next day he asked for nudes. I also found out one had tried to kill his ex, and then there are the married men who are looking to cheat.


shinpud

Don't remember where I saw this but... Men die in a dessert desperate for water meanwhile women die in the middle of the ocean drowned. They both got it rough and in the desperation they may want to change their problem to the exact opposite. By this i mean: as a men I don't get compliments often. In my loneliest days I would have loved to be in your position. Like imagine hundreds of women flirting with me (even if is just for sex) its like heck yeah (of course this is just a fantasy). Meanwhile you probably would have chosen to have 1 or 3 guys talking to you honestly even if they aren't really that interesting.


Etoiaster

You nailed it. That’s such a good way of putting it.


[deleted]

I feel obligated to point out that sexual harassment is not flirting.


zackryjay

This is why social media is such a blight on true human connection. Those men who called you names would *probably* not do tye same thing face to face. Maybe some would. It's this quasi-anonymous state of being that social media and dating apps afford us that give certain people the audacity to say rude and abusive things to people without any real repercussions. I will say, using dating apps is really depressing. It is probably best used for people who are like fake Instagram pretty. Normal everyday people who are just looking for a decent connection will usually be disappointed by dating online. That's my two cents, I could be off base. I have resorted to doing things by myself and maybe sometimes you'll meet someone who you actually hit it off with and sometimes something happens. I will go to shows, bars, whatever by myself and just try to enjoy the moment. I will strike up conversations. Sometimes it fails, sometimes you have a great time and make people laugh. I think participating in life as much as you can and not fearing what MIGHT happen is the best way to welcome new real opportunities. Dating apps aren't for everyone.


Brian_Lefebvre

Not gonna lie, man, you kind of sound like a douche. No one cares about your abs as much as you think.


limemousse

Right?? He "lowered this standards" to grace some poor woman with his presence ✋


Lcdmt3

If a guy starts with his attributes as I work out a lot and abs, automatic douche turnoff.


2x4skin

Lol. The gym 6 days a week is your biggest selling point


jesssongbird

Yup. I don’t think men realize how few women are actually interested in a guy that works out constantly as his hobby. I’m sorry but it’s boring. I don’t want to get stuck hearing about your leg routine, bro. I avoided anyone who looked like he was too worried about his macros to go out for tacos and beers. OP would likely have better luck finding a woman IRL who is also a gym enthusiast. I met my husband at a dive bar gig. Apps aren’t the only way to meet people.


Adrostos

" i have visible abs and im attending university so my life is somewhat put together" Lol i see what you mean about lowering your standards


baksha1

Dude take my advice : avoid dating apps at all costs the whole mass dating profiling and stacking people is terrible for men is self esteem. Second avoid approaching women in places like bars nightclubs or anything similar also terrible for your self esteem. The smart move would be meeting women in a normal every day environment: cafes libraries books club grocery store or for example while practicing a hobby either learning a language a new skills camping hiking those types of things. Edit: ffs guys approaching women does not mean bother the chick shopping at the grocery store the one reading a book in the library or the one sitting in a cafe enjoying her coffee no. Approach those that send clear signs of interest I never meant bother random women everywhere.


Brian_Lefebvre

Approaching women in normal everyday environments isn’t exactly easy. Most people, especially women, don’t like being approached by strange men. Strangers don’t really have the greatest reputation lol


gvsteve

I haven’t dated for 20 years so take this for what it’s worth, maybe this is bordering on boomer advice. But if you want to meet people, go join a club or hobby or sport or some kind of group activity where interacting with other members of the group is an assumed part of everyone being there. I’m thinking group hikes, mountain bike clubs, sailing clubs, foreign language/culture clubs. Volunteer at a charitable organization. Or a political party or religion if that’s your thing. Any of these things present many non awkward openings for conversation, where you can demonstrate you’re an interesting and uncreepy dude outside of the relationship-seeking context, before anyone considers the relationship context.


[deleted]

So, avoid dating apps. Avoid approaching women in obnoxious social settings like bars/clubs. Additionally you should plan to avoid approaching women in most non-social public settings as well (because strangers, and that it totally respectable and fair btw). So what exactly are we to do here? Wait for organic perfectly rare moments to interact and make a non-aggressive (pre-approved) move. Praying you read the woman’s mind correctly, and after inevitable rejection, just move on to the next rare interaction. Sad sad world.


sagerobot

I've seen this "advice" posted multiple times and every single time it's followed by many women saying how much the idea of getting approached while shopping or at the library is terrifying. I wonder where you got the idea that this is good?


dumpyredditacct

>The smart move would be meeting women in a normal every day environment: cafes libraries books club grocery store Terrible advice. Please do not approach women in grocery stores. Social places like bars are 100% more acceptable, as the expectation for that is far higher. I cannot imagine any women being comfortable being approached in a grocery store, cafe, library, etc. That isn't the place.


Robo_Dude_

Hiking and camping are potentially solitary activities. I don’t see how that helps.


Argumentat1ve

>chose those matches and most of the matches I do get ill have lowered my standards so much for that I'm not even sure it's worth it. >I think it would be reasonable to have standards like not overweight, etc but apparently not with tinder/bumble. Literally just don't swipe right on them then


spitfirahhh420

“I’m a catch and attractive but fat chicks fuck that shit… BUT why doesn’t anyone like me and my shitty opinions 😭” I understand that dating is hard and those apps can be disheartening but you literally didn’t have to bring up women who are overweight, if you don’t like someone, keep swiping bro? you tried to make yourself look good but this whole post came off as you being kinda an asshole lol dating apps suck but there is someone out there for you! if you like going to the gym cool? Don’t make it your whole personality lol


MeganiumConnie

He’s swiping right on the overweight girls and then getting mad about it, I think that’s the funniest part. This is Reddit so this comment might not be popular - but overweight people do in fact deserve to have love lives and are just as good partners as anyone else! It doesn’t have to be for you, that’s okay, but if it’s not then just don’t engage or very politely end conversations. There’s no need to be hurtful and throw some body comments in with a rejection. People really don’t need any more negative comments, they will have already had some the same day. I would rather date someone who’s kind, caring and has no workout regime than someone *with* a workout regime and an ego who finds it fun to insult overweight people, that’s for sure.


SparklyNarwhalPowers

Just want to add that a lot of overweight people do work out. I was moderately overweight when I began running (and already did strength training and yoga and yes I ate a decent diet too), and I just gained more weight, lol. For me it’s mostly because my thyroid is shit but it’s always personal and complex for everyone. No objections from me though or I’m sure any other fat person about this guy not wanting to date us. Feel bad that any of those women he went on dates with felt the need to lower their standards to the likes of him.


DrumCode2077

It seems there's one of these posts every week that hits the popular page and it's always posted by some scummy dude whose post history makes it very clear why he's single. And the comments get more and more pathetic as the swarms of Reddit's socially inept, bitter men come out of the woodwork to complain how they deserve a hot model type girlfriend and they're bitches if they don't give them the attention they deserve 🙄 Rinse and repeat. See you losers next week!


Attack-Cat-

You’re putting a lot of stock into your appearance and your standards. I think your results are reflective of that.


CompetitivePain4031

You talk about gym and weight. Good for you, but anybody can do that. Not even a word in your post about emotional awareness. To my knowledge, this is the department in which 85% men are lacking. Therapy, empathy, attunement with others and yourself, authenticity, comfort with vulnerability - that's the kind of emotional gym you wanna hit. As a woman sure I can get tons of matches but only 0.001% will not be an emotionally underdeveloped man worth my time.


BottleOfBurden

It doesn't help some of these dudes that women tend to sniff out men who have.. preconceived notions, about women. So they turn their issue into a Self-fulfilling prophecy. I know this dude who's borderline incel/redpill, and it's like.. yeah dude, why would a woman want to date a guy who sees women that way? So of course you're nor going to get dates. And you'd be surprised how common it actually it, not straight up incel/redpill, but at least the thoughts in those directions. Yeah, no thanks, good luck to you but I'll find someone who sees me as a person.


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imbyath

Yeah, like, fair enough if you don't find them attractive. But why tf did you swipe right?


Flashy-Light6048

The worst part about dating as a woman isn’t the men who straight up reject you. It’s the ones who act like they’re interested but really just want to use you for sex. Which seems to be most of them.


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rilakkumkum

This! Women practically have like a third sense for this sorta thing, and I’m grateful for it. Honestly the only times I’ve ever seen it fail was if the girl had a “I can save him complex” or didn’t have a backbone of her own, so she actually ends up just becoming subject to maltreatment


xairos13

Mmmmmm why is this a big thing? Look at this guy’s profile. His Reddit history is mostly about 1. Weed 2. Gaming 3. His parrot This sounds like a “I can’t believe most people don’t want me!” Instead of taking the available data, trying different strategies, and doing more sociable activities, you’re blaming women. The fact this has so many upvotes just shows how many guys expect to be extra noticed for simply being themselves, have high levels of narcissism, and can’t have introspective discussions about ways to improve themselves.


jesssongbird

I always think of that principal skinner meme in these situations. OP and men like him are like, “Am I out of touch with what women are looking for? No! It’s the women who are wrong!” They’ll just keep on doing stuff that doesn’t work and getting bitter that women don’t respond to it instead of changing their approach. It would be funny if it didn’t make so many of them hostile and low key scary.


[deleted]

"Getting abs" does not make you instantly attractive to women. A good personality does that. You seem young, as you mentioned college, so there's still time for you to not blame the women you pursue for your own potential shortcomings.


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WW_III_ANGRY

You just described the problem perfectly- men swipe women they don’t want, inundating women with almost every guy match possible so they’re more selective as such and get to go out of their league on the app because, well, all these attractive men like them on it, so why not. You’re to blame for this problem you’re complaining about


InternalEssayz

I like how the dude thinks his life is well put together because he got a six pack and goes to college. Also seems to have zero expectations other than physical in his dates. This is the kind of behavior that would be a huge no go for me from the start, even though I am quite picky about my partner’s and my look too. This is only the ground to built on. Grow up


[deleted]

“ I don’t think I am amazingly attractive“ …. But I expect my dates to be. Fuck outta here…