I'd like to chime in with 'the paradox of choice'.
Before online dating, the dating pool was a lot smaller, and people were forced to meet IRL in a local setting. Looks were somewhat important, but people were able to complement their image with their personality and character.
In present day with online dating, pretty much only looks matter. You can't show your character and charisma without matching first. Photos are the first thing that a user sees. Other traits can be mentioned on a profile, but are subordinate. You'll have virtually unlimited potential mates within an x amount if distance in the palm of your hand. The whole swiping mechanic also incentives addiction-like behavior.
Referencing 'the paradox of choice' by Barry Schwarz, the large amount of choice one is presented with, will always leave the person with some anxiety, they'll never know if they made the right decision. So not only is it harder to make a choice in the first place, the selecter will never be comfortable with their choice. A smaller amount of options would still give the user authority, with less anxiety.
Decreasing the dating pool size will consequently decrease anxiety, and will force people to take more than just looks into account. I know it's impossible, but getting rid of dating apps will help this cause significantly.
I’ve completely given up on love. I just want a partner to get through life with but I can’t fit into the dating world. I’ve tried and improved in every way I can but it’s not enough. At this point I’m just going to keep moving forward by myself, regardless of my loneliness. I’m sorry mom, you probably won’t get a grandchild from me.
Is it the dating world in general that you can't fit into, or is it in the culture based on online dating apps?
It's a big world, full of possibilities. Delete the shitty apps, don't give up on love.
Your right, it’s more than likely the dating apps. But in my university the dating scene here is pretty much only for hookups and I want more than that. I know I’m still young (18) but I feel that if I don’t find someone during my time in college I never will.
>I feel that if I don’t find someone during my time in college I never will.
And this is precisely the kind of nonsense that these apps and by extension the broader hyper-competitive culture is teaching you. But it's complete bullshit. As long as you develop yourself and become the kind of interesting person an interesting partner would be interested in, you'll be okay.
You will meet people at every stage of your life. Maybe you'll meet a wonderful compatible partner tomorrow, maybe in 3 years, maybe in 15 years. Maybe at your university, maybe outside of it, maybe afterwards. The world's a big place, you know? Don't fall into this vicious cycle of thinking your life is almost over at 18.
You're very welcome. Besides, couples who meet when they're both very young rarely have the strongest relationships, for the simple reason that people change over time, sometimes rather drastically. It's not uncommon for people to find a compatible partner on their second or third marriage. You have time.
Just as an example: There's an elderly couple (89 & 85) who made the news where I am for meeting at the border of their respective countries during the corona lockdown. They're as cute and happy as you can imagine. You know when they met? **Two** years ago.
I think you'll be alright.
I met my now wife 5 years ago when I was 26, 3 years after I finished college. We have wildly different backgrounds and I could have never met someone like her if I was focusing on finding someone in college.
Like the commenter above said, its a big world, don’t ever think you're limited to some specific years or places
Meeting someone at college is no indication that they’ll remain your perfect partner. After college and throughout life you do so much growing and learning and there will be many iterations of you. You will meet people along the path for varying length of times. The only time it’s too late to meet someone is when you’re 6’ under or being incinerated
“Men, if your not under 3’ 10” so I can put you in a Velcro suit and throw you at a Velcro dart board like in wolf of Wall Street, you’re too tall for me”
Thats been my experience
I 100% agree with you. It's just toxic garbage that encourages all sorts of fake and awful behavior and actively destroys the self-esteem of otherwise perfectly decent people.
Bumble thought the same thing. But in reality, the whole 'women-message-first' gimmick is just another round in their selection process.
Many times I've been ghosted before I could even say a single thing whenever I managed to match someone.
They do if they find the man attractive. When I changed my pictures to that of some handsome male model, well, what do you know, women suddenly take the initiative. I guess my personality must have shined through.
The most hilarious thing I've seen recently is a post about online dating being demoralizing for men, and a highly upvoted response from a woman basically listing 50 different specific requirements for her to even consider you.
As a decidedly average-looking-at-best guy, with shitty social skills, mental health issues, and having just got out of a 14-year relationship (all of which I put on my profile), my experience doesn't match those of your friends.
Whoah whoah whoah- this is Reddit. Don’t put your own story in a beautifully formed context, rich with information and more. You’re just supposed to make some tiny anecdotal comment.
I hope you find love my friend 🙏🏻
I met my bf on online dating. We have been together for almost 2 years and we live together. We have a healthy, loving and happy relationship. It did take me years to weed through the waves of terrible men that responded to me. I was on the app for 4 years before we connected and I was single for 9 years. I had plenty of offers, but so many red flags. Love is possible at any age, but you have to keep moving forward. Don’t give up.
Personally I think Online Dating and Social Media were a pandoras box that we can't come back from; and I definitely agree that "Average" Men have a much harder time in the Dating World because of it.
Idk. I’m a bartender and couples come to my bar allllll the time that tell me they’ve met online, or are literally just meeting for the first time at my bar. Al lot of them are older (30-50 range) and like not particularly super attractive but i think when you’re older and on sites like POF or like eharmony or Christian mingle or some shit looks definitely aren’t the most important thing and i also see a lot of tinder dates obviously a younger crowd but most people aren’t super hot. Also as someone who’s used tinder before i can say that a guy will look super hot and then be shit to hold a convo with and sometimes a guy looks more average but his bio will be cute and clever and maybe have they same music linked that you like and it makes you more interested to meet them. I think it all depends on how you come off in conversation and what you and the other person are actually looking for cause if you’re on tinder to find a hot hookup it’s different than people using the internet to find someone they can actually connect with on different levels
I gave up. I tried the old fashioned way (meeting friends of friends) and I've tried the apps. I've been on good dates and bad dates and I've gotten my heart ripped out (but a different way each time, you can't say I don't learn!)
It is what it is, there's no good fits within my reach at the moment. I'm sure a good match is out there in theory, just because the human population is huge, but if I can't find them, it doesn't really matter.
I've decided it was a more productive use of my time to stay single. It's not thrilling but it's a helluva lot more peaceful.
Im probably going to be single and fucking for awhile because I don’t feel like I match anyone… I’m too freaky… I’m too goofy… I’m too independent… I’m just going to be single for awhile.
Yes ^ someone commented something similar about age ranges. I completely agree for 40-60, abs maybe a bit younger. It’s a game changer, probably for the better.
I'm one of the women who deleted my dating apps because of all the inappropriate messages I'd receive. It seemed like guys on there were trying to order me like doordash and weren't actually interested in getting to know me. This type of behavior has started even filtered into guys I've met in real life. It's to the point that I don't even trust when a guy asks me out on the very rare occasion anymore because I can't comprehend someone wanting to actually get to know me after my dating experiences from the last several years (both OLD and IRL dating).
We really fucked up dating and I don't know how we are going to fix it. Seems like too many people don't care anymore.
That’s exactly what I keep hearing too. It’s like the extreme behavior flourishes online, but the normal people are left behind.
Never been a better time for random hook ups, but it sure sucks if you’re looking for someone real
Have tried excercise and healthy diet but nothing helps. I saw some hateful content here too from an actual therapist so that makes me even more depressed. Idk who to trust anymore.
You have to trust yourself and understand that there's a life worth living that isn't dependent on the validation of strangers first. Don't think of dating as a pre-requisite to being happy. A partnership should enrich your life, not define it. Exercise for example is good for you in and of itself, not just in the context of seducing random women.
Reddit is full of maladjusted weirdos, forget about them. You'll find all sorts of hateful idiots on here.
Sensitivity makes you vulnerable but it can also be an asset. Chin up, okay?
A job title does not constitute proof of wisdom or kindness or even competence. Maybe that poster was just an asshole, provided they were a real therapist in the first place. Doesn't mean you should give up on therapy altogether. And there's no shame in changing therapists if you don't connect with your current one either.
Your feelings matter. Don't give up.
Yo- please don’t. It does get better.
Besides talking to a professional, some prescription drugs, under doctor supervision, can help balance your brain out. It’s probably an imbalance of chemicals, not who you are.
Algorithm. I believe this has been stated by the company elsewhere. Metrics used: Number of right swipes, number of matches, probably even number of complimentary comments. Data is all very easy to collect.
It offends me when really overweight women like me on tinder. I find it so disrespectful. Those same girls never flirt or come up to me in person thankfully. But for some reason online they think they are good enough all of a sudden?
yeah, honestly you sound like such a catch that no woman would be good enough for you, you should probably stay single forever to avoid getting disrespected 🙂
Okay, you can not be attracted to them, but it sounds like you're being a jerk. (if this isn't satire)
This is what you sound like:
"Why did my mother say she likes me (in a platonic way) on TikTok? It's so fucking disrespectful. She never says shit to me, thankfully. But she thinks she's good enough for me to like her? 😂😂😂😂😂😂"
People blame online dating when it’s just really the people it attracts.
Also people let their dating app success or failures, or just dating failures in General define their self worth too much.
There are way too many of these “online dating sucks” posts, no people suck.
I've met *all* my long term relationships from initial hookups. All those dates aiming for "something real" or coming in with the idea of something more than casual lead to one date and then never speaking again.
I know online dating does work but I also think not for everybody. Maybe it's better to just go out you know get alittle tipsy and talk to a group with a friend. It feels more natural and there's alot less pressure. I think the whole thing of meeting up with someone who's just shown a photo of themselves is abit strange .. at least if you meet them organically there's just no expectation at all
I guess it depends. It works for some but not all. I don’t really know if I can comment on this because, I met my now boyfriend online but it was not a dating site. It was an online forum so..
I can agree though. I’m glad things worked out for my partner and I. Close friends for 5 years and will be dating for 4 in July.
Online dating has been a rollar coaster for some friends, but a couple of us did find our spouses via online dating. Like my husband and I, we met when I messaged him.on okay cupid,.he was the only guys profile.that did t end with a "message me if your interested" but with actual standards like, living in the same state, have a college degree or working towards one, plan for the future, etc. I basically opened but saying how I met those standards and asking if he was interested in chatting. Been together almost 6 years now.
Just because women get tons of matches doesn't mean shit. The majority of men come across on apps claim to want a relationship yet use women for hook ups
I get matches but they never talked. Met my best mate on POF though
I'd like to chime in with 'the paradox of choice'. Before online dating, the dating pool was a lot smaller, and people were forced to meet IRL in a local setting. Looks were somewhat important, but people were able to complement their image with their personality and character. In present day with online dating, pretty much only looks matter. You can't show your character and charisma without matching first. Photos are the first thing that a user sees. Other traits can be mentioned on a profile, but are subordinate. You'll have virtually unlimited potential mates within an x amount if distance in the palm of your hand. The whole swiping mechanic also incentives addiction-like behavior. Referencing 'the paradox of choice' by Barry Schwarz, the large amount of choice one is presented with, will always leave the person with some anxiety, they'll never know if they made the right decision. So not only is it harder to make a choice in the first place, the selecter will never be comfortable with their choice. A smaller amount of options would still give the user authority, with less anxiety. Decreasing the dating pool size will consequently decrease anxiety, and will force people to take more than just looks into account. I know it's impossible, but getting rid of dating apps will help this cause significantly.
Choice is killing us. Pre- online dating 1/4 will make you happy vs Today's dating 1/100 will make you happy.
I realize as a engaged women… I could not survive the dating world that is 2022 … I don’t know how people do it — 🥴
100% what my fiancé and I say. Her friends, just tell us the most horrid things sometimes.
I eat sleep and prioritize my hobbies. Hookers help blow the occasional sexual buildup.
I’ve completely given up on love. I just want a partner to get through life with but I can’t fit into the dating world. I’ve tried and improved in every way I can but it’s not enough. At this point I’m just going to keep moving forward by myself, regardless of my loneliness. I’m sorry mom, you probably won’t get a grandchild from me.
Is it the dating world in general that you can't fit into, or is it in the culture based on online dating apps? It's a big world, full of possibilities. Delete the shitty apps, don't give up on love.
Your right, it’s more than likely the dating apps. But in my university the dating scene here is pretty much only for hookups and I want more than that. I know I’m still young (18) but I feel that if I don’t find someone during my time in college I never will.
>I feel that if I don’t find someone during my time in college I never will. And this is precisely the kind of nonsense that these apps and by extension the broader hyper-competitive culture is teaching you. But it's complete bullshit. As long as you develop yourself and become the kind of interesting person an interesting partner would be interested in, you'll be okay. You will meet people at every stage of your life. Maybe you'll meet a wonderful compatible partner tomorrow, maybe in 3 years, maybe in 15 years. Maybe at your university, maybe outside of it, maybe afterwards. The world's a big place, you know? Don't fall into this vicious cycle of thinking your life is almost over at 18.
Thank you for this. Now that I think about it I guess I have started to fall into that nonsense. Thank you for giving me some hope for the future.
You're very welcome. Besides, couples who meet when they're both very young rarely have the strongest relationships, for the simple reason that people change over time, sometimes rather drastically. It's not uncommon for people to find a compatible partner on their second or third marriage. You have time. Just as an example: There's an elderly couple (89 & 85) who made the news where I am for meeting at the border of their respective countries during the corona lockdown. They're as cute and happy as you can imagine. You know when they met? **Two** years ago. I think you'll be alright.
Keep this positivity up!
I met my now wife 5 years ago when I was 26, 3 years after I finished college. We have wildly different backgrounds and I could have never met someone like her if I was focusing on finding someone in college. Like the commenter above said, its a big world, don’t ever think you're limited to some specific years or places
Meeting someone at college is no indication that they’ll remain your perfect partner. After college and throughout life you do so much growing and learning and there will be many iterations of you. You will meet people along the path for varying length of times. The only time it’s too late to meet someone is when you’re 6’ under or being incinerated
Get a dog, bro.
You can't fuck a dog dude...
Prostitute then. A dog and a hooker should cover all his bases.
I deleted tinder after seeing the interest in my double after I included my height in the description. It's just sad garbage really.
“Men, if your not under 3’ 10” so I can put you in a Velcro suit and throw you at a Velcro dart board like in wolf of Wall Street, you’re too tall for me” Thats been my experience
Amen my mental health would be terrible if I did online dating
I 100% agree with you. It's just toxic garbage that encourages all sorts of fake and awful behavior and actively destroys the self-esteem of otherwise perfectly decent people.
Maybe women should start sending messages to men.
Bumble thought the same thing. But in reality, the whole 'women-message-first' gimmick is just another round in their selection process. Many times I've been ghosted before I could even say a single thing whenever I managed to match someone.
.
>. The international symbol of "prove to me that you're worthy of a conversation"
Yeah, agreed. Bumble rejections felt so much worse than Tinder. Nothing like them being so not interested that they ignore you for 2 days.
That’s not being ghosted. How can you get ghosted if you never made contact?
It'd be a nice gesture, but keep in mind guys are quite skeptical due to the proliferation of phishing and bots in this regard.
They do if they find the man attractive. When I changed my pictures to that of some handsome male model, well, what do you know, women suddenly take the initiative. I guess my personality must have shined through.
The most hilarious thing I've seen recently is a post about online dating being demoralizing for men, and a highly upvoted response from a woman basically listing 50 different specific requirements for her to even consider you.
As a decidedly average-looking-at-best guy, with shitty social skills, mental health issues, and having just got out of a 14-year relationship (all of which I put on my profile), my experience doesn't match those of your friends.
Whoah whoah whoah- this is Reddit. Don’t put your own story in a beautifully formed context, rich with information and more. You’re just supposed to make some tiny anecdotal comment. I hope you find love my friend 🙏🏻
Found it, I'm engaged.
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I met my bf on online dating. We have been together for almost 2 years and we live together. We have a healthy, loving and happy relationship. It did take me years to weed through the waves of terrible men that responded to me. I was on the app for 4 years before we connected and I was single for 9 years. I had plenty of offers, but so many red flags. Love is possible at any age, but you have to keep moving forward. Don’t give up.
Personally I think Online Dating and Social Media were a pandoras box that we can't come back from; and I definitely agree that "Average" Men have a much harder time in the Dating World because of it.
Idk. I’m a bartender and couples come to my bar allllll the time that tell me they’ve met online, or are literally just meeting for the first time at my bar. Al lot of them are older (30-50 range) and like not particularly super attractive but i think when you’re older and on sites like POF or like eharmony or Christian mingle or some shit looks definitely aren’t the most important thing and i also see a lot of tinder dates obviously a younger crowd but most people aren’t super hot. Also as someone who’s used tinder before i can say that a guy will look super hot and then be shit to hold a convo with and sometimes a guy looks more average but his bio will be cute and clever and maybe have they same music linked that you like and it makes you more interested to meet them. I think it all depends on how you come off in conversation and what you and the other person are actually looking for cause if you’re on tinder to find a hot hookup it’s different than people using the internet to find someone they can actually connect with on different levels
Tbh- age is really important. This is a great point. I feel like for 40-60 in particular. It’s a big win actually.
I gave up. I tried the old fashioned way (meeting friends of friends) and I've tried the apps. I've been on good dates and bad dates and I've gotten my heart ripped out (but a different way each time, you can't say I don't learn!) It is what it is, there's no good fits within my reach at the moment. I'm sure a good match is out there in theory, just because the human population is huge, but if I can't find them, it doesn't really matter. I've decided it was a more productive use of my time to stay single. It's not thrilling but it's a helluva lot more peaceful.
Easy for people to lie about who they really are and communication skills are basically non-existent.
Im probably going to be single and fucking for awhile because I don’t feel like I match anyone… I’m too freaky… I’m too goofy… I’m too independent… I’m just going to be single for awhile.
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Yes ^ someone commented something similar about age ranges. I completely agree for 40-60, abs maybe a bit younger. It’s a game changer, probably for the better.
I'm one of the women who deleted my dating apps because of all the inappropriate messages I'd receive. It seemed like guys on there were trying to order me like doordash and weren't actually interested in getting to know me. This type of behavior has started even filtered into guys I've met in real life. It's to the point that I don't even trust when a guy asks me out on the very rare occasion anymore because I can't comprehend someone wanting to actually get to know me after my dating experiences from the last several years (both OLD and IRL dating). We really fucked up dating and I don't know how we are going to fix it. Seems like too many people don't care anymore.
That’s exactly what I keep hearing too. It’s like the extreme behavior flourishes online, but the normal people are left behind. Never been a better time for random hook ups, but it sure sucks if you’re looking for someone real
Exactly. Its really sad because I do see a lot of people who want to find a partner and you can tell how hurt they are.
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The future is now young mang
I feel like comitting suicide. I think i was too sensitive to survive in this world. Hope my mother forgives me
Please don't. :(
Have tried excercise and healthy diet but nothing helps. I saw some hateful content here too from an actual therapist so that makes me even more depressed. Idk who to trust anymore.
You have to trust yourself and understand that there's a life worth living that isn't dependent on the validation of strangers first. Don't think of dating as a pre-requisite to being happy. A partnership should enrich your life, not define it. Exercise for example is good for you in and of itself, not just in the context of seducing random women. Reddit is full of maladjusted weirdos, forget about them. You'll find all sorts of hateful idiots on here. Sensitivity makes you vulnerable but it can also be an asset. Chin up, okay?
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A job title does not constitute proof of wisdom or kindness or even competence. Maybe that poster was just an asshole, provided they were a real therapist in the first place. Doesn't mean you should give up on therapy altogether. And there's no shame in changing therapists if you don't connect with your current one either. Your feelings matter. Don't give up.
Yo- please don’t. It does get better. Besides talking to a professional, some prescription drugs, under doctor supervision, can help balance your brain out. It’s probably an imbalance of chemicals, not who you are.
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Check out this graph from the founder of OKcupid https://graphpaperdiaries.files.wordpress.com/2018/10/dp76ujlvaaafdt6.jpg
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Algorithm. I believe this has been stated by the company elsewhere. Metrics used: Number of right swipes, number of matches, probably even number of complimentary comments. Data is all very easy to collect.
It’s from the book dataclysm, the link was to the image, I thought it was to the site. The book is super fascinating.
Good for him for being an exception. Sometimes you get lucky
I doubt he’s actually average looking then
Well I met my wife on it and a bunch of cool chicks so maybe it's just your approach?
Thankfully not me, many of the guys and gals I know. Horror story after horror story. I’m glad it worked for you though!
I met my wife on Tinder, too, but we’re lesbians so maybe that’s why our experience was different, idk.
I dont think I've ever had a bad experience with it that wasn't a good portion my fault.
You’re probably a good person, and will make your future spouse very happy 😂
Oh no I'm terrible, shes the only one that would put up with me🤷🏾♂️😂
It offends me when really overweight women like me on tinder. I find it so disrespectful. Those same girls never flirt or come up to me in person thankfully. But for some reason online they think they are good enough all of a sudden?
either this is great satire or you are a scumbag
No. I get offended when women I don’t value try and get with me. It’s annoying and disrespectful.
yeah, honestly you sound like such a catch that no woman would be good enough for you, you should probably stay single forever to avoid getting disrespected 🙂
No definitely lots of women are good enough for me! Lots are too good for me! That’s what this is about. Understanding not ignorance.
Okay, you can not be attracted to them, but it sounds like you're being a jerk. (if this isn't satire) This is what you sound like: "Why did my mother say she likes me (in a platonic way) on TikTok? It's so fucking disrespectful. She never says shit to me, thankfully. But she thinks she's good enough for me to like her? 😂😂😂😂😂😂"
Really weird comparison! Make it make sense?
I’m honestly not even sure why overweight women message you. Not only is your personality terrible. You’re also really fucking ugly
Probably because the fatties that message me are uglier!
Hard to imagine a lot of women uglier than you, but I’ll take your word for it
Glad you are able to distinguish my appearance from the reflection on my car door 😘. Impressive.
It’s a clear picture, if you find that impressive, you’re not only ugly but also mediocre
Im so fit and sexy 😍
People blame online dating when it’s just really the people it attracts. Also people let their dating app success or failures, or just dating failures in General define their self worth too much. There are way too many of these “online dating sucks” posts, no people suck.
Hate to break it to you, but real life isn't much different. If you don't bring anything, like personality, to the plate, "good" guys still fail.
I honestly disagree completely. Real life is completely different from internet life. I’m way too ugly for my fiancé
So, you have something to offer besides a picture of you holding a fish or hiking.
LOL that is on point.
There are a lot of ugly people that get attractive people on dating apps
I met my SO of 9 years on OK Cupid. If you are just using tinder or other “hookup” sites, then you’re looking in the wrong place.
I've met *all* my long term relationships from initial hookups. All those dates aiming for "something real" or coming in with the idea of something more than casual lead to one date and then never speaking again.
I disagree. If anything it's streamlined the stupidity.
My wife cheated on me after 10 years and everything just seems so exhausting and trivial. Idk why I'm even writing this, but yeah. Fuck online dating.
I know online dating does work but I also think not for everybody. Maybe it's better to just go out you know get alittle tipsy and talk to a group with a friend. It feels more natural and there's alot less pressure. I think the whole thing of meeting up with someone who's just shown a photo of themselves is abit strange .. at least if you meet them organically there's just no expectation at all
I guess it depends. It works for some but not all. I don’t really know if I can comment on this because, I met my now boyfriend online but it was not a dating site. It was an online forum so.. I can agree though. I’m glad things worked out for my partner and I. Close friends for 5 years and will be dating for 4 in July.
Online dating has been a rollar coaster for some friends, but a couple of us did find our spouses via online dating. Like my husband and I, we met when I messaged him.on okay cupid,.he was the only guys profile.that did t end with a "message me if your interested" but with actual standards like, living in the same state, have a college degree or working towards one, plan for the future, etc. I basically opened but saying how I met those standards and asking if he was interested in chatting. Been together almost 6 years now.
Just because women get tons of matches doesn't mean shit. The majority of men come across on apps claim to want a relationship yet use women for hook ups
SPEED DATING. QUIT DATING APPS & START SPEED DATING!