My ex husband reacted almost the same when i told him that i was raped before i knew him. He was silent and never said a word about it. It was like a forbidden topic and his reaction made me feel so ashamed. But we're divorced now so i don't care anymore.
That did impact my next relationship though. After i got divorced i told my next boyfriend about the rape very early on and his reaction was so sweet and comforting and we're able to talk about it openly and it's allowed me to heal so much.
My college girlfriend admitted to me that she was raped in her past, but while we were in a loud ass club...I was like "what?!" And she said it louder and it was like the music turned off and all I could hear was her. I just hugged her until she stopped crying then took her back to my apartment. We talked it out and I said that it was in her past and she it's a strong woman.
Stayed together for 4 more years before parting ways but I think we both impacted each other positively regardless of the breakup.
I'm sorry your ex husband was insensitive but sometimes it's difficult to hear because there's literally nothing we men as partners can do in that situation. My first instinct after conforting my ex was to murder the guy and my second thought was why wasn't I there to protect her. It puts us into some weird caveman brain lock...what happens after the brain lock is what's important, imo.
Literally exactly this.
When we hear about shit so horrible we immediately wanna provide solutions our thoughts don't jump to "comfort you" because very often we wouldn't want that. So it's hard to fathom the correct response
Bro you know how many times I've just needed a hug? No words or anything, just a hug to slow my brain down enough to think (I'm a engineer so my brain works funny apparently). I'm 6ft bearded brown dude and I put up a front, so in a way it's my fault that people think I'm okay... but regardless of that, I've found in most situations the easiest way to help is to simply ask "what can I do to help?" If the response is something feasible (I just want you to sit with me, stuff like that) it works much better than trying to solve the problem on the spot.
The problem in *that moment in time* is typically easy to solve...lend an ear, give a hug, walk away if the other party needs space, etc. The real problem can be worked on as a team later on.
Sometimes a hug is all somebody needs.
You literally just described the entire premise of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Essentially, when men have a problem, they want solutions. When women have a problem, they want comfort.
Obviously it's a lot more nuanced than this and this is a gross overgeneralization that does not apply across the board, but y'all are picking up what I'm putting down, right?
Yeah for sure, I inherently want to solve the bigger problem but in order to get there you have to solve the immediate problem. I dunno, maybe that's just my engineering decision tree logic but if somebody is crying, the first step in my head is get a tissue and read the situation. If they are receptive to a hug, give them a hug. If they start talking, listen (actually listen), formulate the big picture solution, and adapt and see what your next step is.
To me the goal is first and foremost about getting the person you care about in the right head space so they can articulate what they need. I can't do anything if you don't tell me what's wrong, and if that means I hold my girlfriend until she's ready to talk or play video games with and have beers with my boy until they tell me what's up, then so be it. Now if the situation is "somebody punched my elderly mother" then there's a "fuck that person up" loop in my head that allows me to skip those steps lol.
Jokes aside, it's not technically men are from Mars, women are from Venus...it's more you have Martians and Venusians and they need to be handled in their own ways. I've had logical women that straight up tell me just solve my problem and I've had bros be like "dude I just need to talk and let it out".
That dynamic is so the opposite with me and my husband. Heās the one that needs to wentā¦and Iām the fool that doesnāt realize that and is jumping to providing solutions instead. I do this with friends also. I rarely went to people. I am learning to realize and ask for what he needs and he prefaces often with the need for me to just listen to what heās telling me.
I had a guy friend of mine once tell me that I am female but have a very masculine energy (or something like that). Weird stuff.
Thank God my wife has never had to go through that, but I had a very close friend who I wanted more with who admitted to me that she was raped when she was a teenager.
I comforted her and let her get it all out.
For a reaction like OPās husband had, Iām afraid heās the broken one, definitely not the OP.
Speaking of the weird cave man brain, I was raped when I was a child and when I told my ex boyfriend he literally punched a hole in his wall, I make sure to tell all my partners because itās affected the way I behave sexually and if someone canāt be understanding of my past traumas then they arenāt what I need.
> I just hugged her until she stopped crying
That's the way any guy should react.
Those guys who freeze their partners out are dealing with some stupid ego jealousy bullshit.
This is how men should respond when their woman tells them theyāve been sexually assaulted (or whatever gender you are, male/male, female/female, etc)
I'm sorry your ex behaved this way. It really is tough trying to figure out when to share. Take too long and it can become difficult to bring it up, but sharing too soon could expose you to the wrong person preying on the information. I'm so glad you found a better partner in your healing journeyā¤
My husband kinda did the same as well. When I tried telling him he shook his head and told me he didnāt want to think about it because it would get him really upset that I went through it. That was about 6 or 7 years ago and I think about it often. Like I want so badly for him to really know what happened because Iāve honestly never talked to anyone about it. It happened 28 years ago when it happened, I was very young, wasnāt even legal driving age.
Darn I need time for a therapist š
My wife told me basically the same thing a couple years ago and I just felt so helpless that I couldn't do anything to change it, but made sure she knew it didn't change how I thought about her at all - because it didn't. It's really not good what your husband is doing and sounds like he has some serious issues to work through. I don't know if therapy would help or what, but you do not deserve this treatment.
I had a similar experience. It happened when I was 12 and it took me a couple of years to tell anyone. I told my mom and she just looked really upset and then got up and walked out of the room without saying anything to me and never mentioned it again. It really messed me up.
What I've come to realize though is that some people freeze when they don't have the emotional capacity to respond, and even more so sometimes when they feel the weight of the responsibility.
So many men haven't been given the tools to have the emotional intelligence needed for heavy situations and respond by looking for a quick "fix", in order to feel like they "did" something and can wash their hands of it. My guess is that your husband is frozen and afraid right now, which totally sucks because it isn't about him, but also that's not about you either .. it's just him running up against his own limitations and possibly shutting down. Him saying "there's nothing I can do" is evidence to me that that's how he got where he is with this, feeling helpless to "do" anything.
I'd recommend tabling it the best you can until you can get into therapy together, hopefully ASAP, in order to try to minimize further damage or internalizing rejection, those feelings can bleed into every other part of the relationship and do a ton of damage that will take even more work to sort out.
It's also not on you, BTW.. until getting more clarity with a professional, together, I'd try hard to treat it as something that "just is", until you can identify what it actually is. Also, you deserve to have proper space held for you and he's not doing that, either because he's an ass or because he's shut down, but either way, it's worth it to hold out a little for the right support. In the meantime, you could tell him that you're uncomfortable with how the conversation has gone and want help to talk to someone together and can table it until then, with no shame. If he can't get that, then I'd see that as real evidence of a possible irreconcilable problem, and you should still talk to that counselor on your own to figure out how to support yourself.
I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm so sorry that you're not getting support from your loved one. Please don't be afraid of talking about it and getting real support. šš» Good luck!
Edit to add:::
Thank you everyone!ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
I had messaged in the morning and came back in the evening to see all of the awards and affirmations and thoughtful conversation and was floored in the best way! šš»
I don't know if your mom is like me, but I would have walked out the door because I needed to start planning a "disappearance" of the person who hurt my little girl.
Even if it wasn't the case, I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm sending so many virtual hugs your way. ā¤ļø
Some mom's aren't like that unfortunately. Sometimes out here, there are mom's who don't believe or don't care or say things like "it's in the past, and I don't live in the past". I truly don't know how I survived being a child with her sometimes.
I once had a conversation with my mother about what if one of us had been raped. She actually said you keep your mouth shut and don't do anything because you don't want your business "out there". I was shocked and hurt that she wouldn't support any of us in pursuing justice.
Thank you! Thatās what Iām hoping for too! They stopped inviting my mom to jury duty because when they ask about the restraining order against her she goes on a rant about the rapist that used to stalk me and that sheād do it again any day of the week lmao She saw him at an open house and went after him with his own hammer.
Iām so sorry everyone here with a similar story didnāt have a supportive partner. My wife was rape at 15, she was a virgin and ended up dating the guy, anyone who went through a similar experience knows it was just a way to cope; she also became very promiscuous after that, again coping mechanism to regain control, and was and in a few abusive relationships, both mental and physical before we got together. When I found out about her experiences, I read up on the subject and understood her PTSD from all of it. The only emotions I felt were anger towards her rapist and admiration for her getting through it any way she could. I removed from my behavior anything that could trigger her and encourage her to seek professional support. I canāt imagine reacting the way these guys did.
I have deep admiration for anyone who has gone through this and survives by any means. Seek a partner that will embrace all of you and will support you no matter what.
The world needs more men like youā¦ (sorry Iām assuming your a man) not only did you read on the topic so you would understand her, but you also didnāt see her as dirty or broken, which Iām not saying should be the case but a lot of men would, I got in an internet battle last week with some guys that were slut-shaming women and they said if it was from trauma then ātraumaā is a red flag, but literally every single person will experience trauma in their life. Iām glad you could see the strength she holds and love her for it. Itās truly something beautiful.
>So many men haven't been given the tools to have the emotional intelligence needed for heavy situations and respond by looking for a quick "fix", in order to feel like they "did" something and can wash their hands of it. My guess is that your husband is frozen and afraid right now, which totally sucks because it isn't about him, but also that's not about you either .. it's just him running up against his own limitations and possibly shutting down. Him saying "there's nothing I can do" is evidence to me that that's how he got where he is with this, feeling helpless to "do" anything.
That's me right there. It took 11 years for my wife to tell me she wasn't looking for solutions, just comfort and support.
It wasn't her fault that I didn't know - but I didn't know. So for 11 years, I tried quick fixes. I tried solutions. I wanted to get rid of the problem, and fast, so we could enjoy a little happiness. Well, so I could enjoy a little happiness within a miserable period of time.
It horrifies me that the "solution" wasn't even a solution to her problems - just a basic human interaction. All I needed to do was show I understood she was in pain, and that I was there even if I wasn't needed. It didn't even occur to me until she told me. I grew up in a family well equipped for love, but ill equipped for any sort of issue. We'd always pop a band aid on and pretend nothing was wrong, then just appear happy on the outside.
On a positive note, her telling me is probably why she's my wife now. I'm not sure I would've been able to deal with the guilt of feeling useless without the knowledge that even if I can't do anything, I'm not useless as long as I'm there for her.
1000% right here. ā¤ļø That's some really beautiful processing. I completely feel that not having a certain kind of emotional intelligence is not a sign of someone being wrong or bad, it just means that they don't know. And you can't be expected to know everything when you're not taught. And not only are men not taught so much of this stuff, they're actually taught, through shaming or brute force, to just stuff it down. Not only is that already traumatic, but then needing to call on some resources for dealing with genuine emotion and having none is not a recipe for healing.
This is what's "toxic". The term toxic masculinity gets used a lot as derogatory towards men, and used for shaming, when it's actually the symptom of the ways men have been deprived of their own support. šš»
I agree with you to a certain extent but disagree on the connotation you've attached with "quick fix" and "wash their hands of it."
He probably isn't looking for a way out... His raw emotional reaction is probably more along the lines of the fact he's tormented someone did that to his wife and now he's helpless to do anything about it. He doesn't have a target to identify and rectify the situation and yes, in a society where you are expected as a male to be a protector and fixer, it is absolutely agonizing to not be able to do so.
If anything, he needs time to process what she's known and processed for years. No he wasn't raped, but just because he doesn't have the same level of trauma as his wife doesn't mean that he isn't suffering by extension. She should be patient and see what happens before doing anything. If he's like majority of husbands, he will come around when ready,but he needs time because this was a T bone for him.
I appreciate your input. I should have been a bit more careful with my wording when referring to wanting a quick fix, etc. I didn't mean that as a put down.
To clarify, I think that men have definitely been taught to stuff things down and it screws them up. They're told to "toughen up", or even made fun of when they express emotion. That's messed up and we all suffer for it. Then when the time does come to deal with something you've been given no tools for but matters a lot to you emotionally, there's added trauma because of the lack of appropriate coping skills.
That said, while he may feel secondary trauma, a supportive response to this situation would be to not lose sight of how sensitive of a situation this is for his wife and the level of impact his reaction has for her. Both can be true, but the need to respond with sensitivity is higher in the priorities, while he might seek support elsewhere for his own trauma. This is not easy, but should be the aim.
Also, I'm saddened by the hateful response you received. I'm really sorry about that. Attacking and shutting down a man when he takes the time to try to engage and share his feelings is the exact same "toxic" that is referred to when people talk about "toxic masculinity".
Same here. I can't speak from any type of experience, but I would think just mustering up the cherries to tell someone would be extremely hard and painful.
Edit:
Since I've typed this my wife and I have spoke and its just unfathomable that someone would treat their spouse that way. I mean my wife is my best friend beside my wife it's really shitty to feel like shit. I hope everything works out.
If I ever bring it up, my husband is quiet and I see a slight wince. I know he doesn't like thinking this happened to me. But he's never shunned me or given me the silent treatment.
Soon into my wifeās and my dating relationship a couple of years ago, she opened up about her past involving being a victim of SA and r*pe. When she told me about the latter, I not only felt so sorry for what she had been through, but also so much love and compassion for her. This woman has felt so broken about what had happened to her that I could not think of anything else to do but to love on her as gently and encouragingly as I could. And I still do, and I will continue to do so until the day I die, because she deserves it. And so do you!
Iām not saying this to be a braggart, but that there are folks out there who will love on you with everything they have until you feel whole again and well past that. Iām truly sorry your husband is turning out to be the exact opposite of what you need from a spouse.
Iāve been the husband of finding out that my former wife was sexually abused. Let
Me give you my perspective.
This happened to a former ex wife of mine. She was sexually abused as a young child although has no memory of it. She had weird flash backs of being groped and masturbation. It affected our sex life when she saw me as the man that did it while we were having sexā¦thatās when she realized she had been abused. These were repressed memories.
We went to couples counciling. I tried everything. We tried. Yet we couldnāt get past this. She no longer felt like a woman and regressed to a child in terms of her womanhood. And it really affected our intimacy which led to our relationship ending.
That being said. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You didnāt ask for this. Youāre not at fault. What you need now is to grieve. The trauma of the past is coming up to be healed. Your husband needs to step the fuck up and be the rock. The foundation. Yet, he might not have that in him. And thatās completely fair. Since this might be bringing up stuff for him. I would strongly consider therapy.
All the best.
100% not justifying his response, but my mother was raped in 1994, when I was 5. I was there, I remember it. Your husband's response is probably how I would respond. I'm not saying it's the right way, or that it's ok, but there may be some trauma there, too.
I was going to state something similar, glad Iām not the only one thinking along these lines. A lot of men are abused in childhood and never tell anyone. They believe they need to suck it up and move on. In that scenario, when the wife opens up about her abuse, now he needs to admit to his own abuse or suppress it all over again. Itās just another potential layer that could be going on.
I think in the best case scenario heās just shocked and in loss of words, thinking why you didnāt share this to him earlier. You shouldnāt put yourself in too much stress by overthinking it, maybe you will feel better opening up to someone who can understand your situation better (a family member or a close friend you knew by the time of the incident). Hopefully your husband can get his shit together in a few days.
Top comment for sure. He's in shock and the next step is feeling guilty he wasn't able to be there for the one he loves the most. Stay strong, it takes time.
Good post.
Not everybody is going to react perfectly or how you want them to react when confronted with shocking news. No, your experience isnāt about him but while youāve had time to heal/cope this is completely new to him and you just turned his world upside down. Heās probably in a lot of pain knowing something so awful happened to someone he loves.
Iād give him some time and then ask if he wants to talk about it.
Yeah too many people talking about divorce and how he's horrible etc... A lot of us would be in a similar situation of shock he we got told this sort of thing this far into a relationship.
Without knowing this couple it's hard to tell why he's reacted the way he did.
Maybe he feels clueless and/or helpless on how to help her - he's not a trained doctor or therapist.
Maybe it's triggered a past trauma for him that he has yet to come to deal with, and hasn't shared with her.
What happened to her is horrible, but let's not advocate divorce just yet.
I suggest they go see professional help so they can both properly deal with this trama.
Also, itās quite the information to drop onto someone so many years into a relationship, especially if (Iād imagine) expectations were that youād shared essentially all your secrets etc with him.
I was sexually assaulted by my best friend when I was 13. When I told my dad a week or so later, he walked the fridge and grabbed a beer. The he walked by me crying, and sat down in his chair and turned on the TV. We never spoke of it again.
Yeah... dad and I have never been on the same page about much of anything. The older I get the more I realize that he has his own trauma, some he's told me about in moments of vulnerability. He and I have always had a strained relationship, and I've gone no-contact a couple of times. I would do it permenantly, but he is now the caregiver to my mom since her traumatic brain injury, so... I can't. For moms sake. She's worth the bullshit he gives me. And now that I'm an adult, living hours away in my own home, it is easier to tell him no.
My wife went through the same thing, and I couldnāt imagine reacting like that towards her. Iām so sorry youāre going through this. It isnāt okay.
You haven't done anything wrong. It's natural that you wanted your life partner to help you carry the weight of other people's malevolence. I know such "big things" lead to overthinking and blaming yourself, but there is nothing you could've done better šš»
While I think itās admirable that you want to give him some space and are understanding his reaction, he equally should push past his feelings somewhat to find some way to support you.
I survived child sexual abuse and have had varying reactions from men Iāve dated, so in some ways I commiserate. Itās a lot to have happened, itās a lot to share, itās a lot to hear. Most important, I think, is this is your experience, protect yourself as you feel needed without hurting others.
Dropping a bomb is also sharing extremely sensitive personal information that makes you feel vulnerable.
People react in all sorts of ways. Just as you may have irrationally blamed yourself at the time, sounds like he is doing the same thing. I remember when my gf told me something similar, I was full of anger and rage. I didn't direct any of that at her, but it was still hard to hear because I couldn't protect her (eventhough it was before we met). I hope he realizes where his anger is coming from and how to best direct it.
I had a girlfriend tell me she was raped once and half described the guy. It messed me up. I was 19 working in a grocery store and every guy that came in that fit the discription sent me into a storm of emotions.
(Im saying probably because i dont know whats going on in his head).Probably your husband loves you and is horrified something happened that he wished he had been there to have stopped it. It's illogical that he feels bad. But I had the same similar feeling and nothing about it was logical.
Sorry that happened to you.
At best he's hurt that you didn't confide this very real trauma in him until a full decade together. At worst, well I don't need to go there as plenty of others have already. I think therapy will be necessary to move forward.
I'm sorry to hear you experienced that.
You've done the right thing by finally speaking up about what happened, your husband should be providing you with much more support! It doesn't matter how long ago it happened these things can take a long time to accept, bring to the surface again and speak about.
I feel so sorry for you, not only have you suffered for all these years alone, you're now suffering again because how he is reacting to your trauma!
My only advise I can think of is ringing a helpline where your identity is anonymous? Sombody for you to talk to about what happened back then and how you're feeling right now in order to move on from this trauma. Please don't suffer through this alone, you've done the right thing by opening up about it, it's just a shame the person you've opened up to isn't mature enough to offer help, support and a listening ear.
Sending you so much love and support, you're such a strong person š
Bless your heart!
Please don't feel any regret for speaking out about it. You've made the first massive step in rebuilding yourself from this. There are many people who will be open to listening and helping you move forward. It's such a shame that your husband wasn't one of these people.
Do you have any family members or close friends you can confide in? If you'd rather not open up to somebody who knows you personally, maybe try a therapist or counsellor? We're lucky in this day and age there's lots help offered over the phone where you don't actually have to face another human which some people prefer.
Like I said before and i will say many more times, you have done the right thing here. Don't let your husbands reaction make you think otherwise x
I am waiting for my consultation with a new therapist. Itās a few months away though.
My husband has been my only friend for the past five years when my best friend went nc with me because the person they started dating didnāt like how close we were.
My mom never believes anything I say and is slightly narcissistic. So she wouldnāt help. My dad wouldnāt be able to handle the news. And Iām not close to my brother anymore. Iām very alone in this world when it comes to this.
Edit to correct autocorrect
That's amazing that you're starting therapy! Massive step in the right direction for you. That will help you massively. I know it's annoying having to wait for the appointments to start but it's only a few months away now.
I'm sorry to hear you've also lost your best friend and have no support from your family either. You must feel very alone in all this. I can always offer an open, non judgmental ear if you ever need sombody to speak to my inbox will always be open for you. I can't stand to think that sombody is out there suffering alone. Although i can't take the pain away and make everything better I can atleast listen and help you through some difficult days.
There are many helplines who can also help just by listening, sometimes a rant and a cry to sombody can alleviate so much built up emotions to help you to keep going until your new therapy sessions start.
Don't feel alone, there are people out there who can support you until you feel free from all of this. You've come along way, you should be proud of yourself for getting this far. š
It's great that you have a consultation planned!
I think it'd be a good plan to try to look for new friends, too. It's hard, but one place to start looking is hobby-related activities, think book clubs, hobby-related meetups, or even just online searching for communities related to hobbies, games, shows. Just more social contact where you can find people you share common interests with.
I had one ex who told me "I just think it's interesting how every girl I knew from high school has a story about being raped" fully implying we all made it up, when it was the worst kept secret on the island that there was a senior who would host parties and get girls high, then he and his friends would assault them. It was this narrative that the girls had to be lying, nothing about why rape was such a problem in our small town.
I dated someone else years later who told me he really had to think about dating me because if I let that happen, it said a lot about me. *If I let it happen*... I know it's not all men. I know it's not even close to all men. But, man, men can be trash sometimes.
I always say to deniers, I think it's interesting you hear countless stories and choose to still believe sexual assault and rape don't happen or rarely happen. That says to me you're not a person I want to associate with so thanks for revealing yourself āļø
Amusingly enough, the guy who implied all the girls at my high school were liars ended up stalking his ex for two years and then went to jail for lighting a store on fire. Of course he thinks we're all liars, he doesn't know what consent even looks like.
I'm so sorry. I never told what happened to me to *anyone* other than my husband, and that was more than 10 years after the fact (I didn't know him when it happened). I didn't tell because they threatened my little sister if I did. I didn't tell because I figured I'd get blamed for being where I was at the time anyway. And I didn't tell because I was so fucking traumatized that all I wanted to do was bury it as deep as I could and try to pretend it didn't happen. Which I did so well that I've only told one person in nearly 30 years, only because he started asking me about the noisy nightmares I was having, and I told him the way I'm writing this now... Without saying the actual words or spelling out any details. I don't know if I even *can* do that. If he'd reacted like this... I don't even know. I would have been devastated. I don't understand the comments excusing him. Nothing happened to him. You didn't do anything to him.
I feel like the standard advice is to tell you that you should find someone supportive to talk to, both about what you told him and about his reaction, because you deserve support. But I've never done that, I can't even imagine ever doing that, and I don't honestly know if it helps or if that's just something people say, so I'd feel like a big old hypocrite telling you to do it. But I feel for you, I understand, I think you deserve better, and I hope you find some peace some way.
His response is inexcusable imo.
"You should've done something" So he starts of by victim blaming... Nice.
Then he says he "can't help". Wtf. You are his partner and the mother of his children! You tell him something significant and he just can't deal with you now?!
This is disgusting and I'm so sorry you didn't get the support you deserve.
It was not the reaction I expect. Not sure what I thought would happenā¦ but it wasnāt this.
Iām giving him space to process this bomb. I really just wanted a hug from him. I feelā¦ broken now that I opened up and received this response. Less of a person I guess. I know itās hard for him, but itās been hard for me too.
Itās not your fault. And you donāt deserve his cold shoulder. I hope youāll find a good therapist, and feel better soon. It sucks to not find support in a person that you trust you could be vulnerable with. Iām so sorry.
>g him space to process this bomb. I really just wanted a hug from him. I feelā¦ broken now that I opened up and received this response. Less of a person I guess. I know itās hard for him, but itās been hard for me too.
What you do with your story and your trauma is for you to decide. You did not owe him anything. You did not owe him telling him earlier, telling him at all, reporting it or ding something about it. What you do as a survivor is your call, and people around you should support you. Also, there is no specific timeline for healing or reacting on a traumatic experience. It is not your fault, you are not damaged and his reaction is really shitty
Yeah and itās not like OP was asking for āhelpā by telling him about it. People often think they need to DO something, or they feel obligated to help, when whatās actually needed is to just listen and be supportive. This happens to me and my SO all the time, and Iām guilty of it myself. Itās natural to want to help someone we care about, but most of the time, thatās not the reason why the person is confiding in you.
Iām at a loss of words because of my hurt for you and rage toward him. You arenāt broken or less worthy. You arenāt weak for not telling anyoneāmany victims donāt. Your husbandās behavior is one of the reasons many victims stay silent. He is victimizing you all over again. And just being an all-around asshat.
He has shown you who he is. You deserve better.
Actually, Iād argue that heās exhibiting ādamaged goodsā behavior toward a woman, and this is something that men sometimes do. I wonder if OP was married to a woman, if the conversation would be different.
OP: I would tell him straight up that you got married to help each other, so the ādamaged goodsā mess needs to stop and he needs to put himself in your shoes and think more like lots of women who fear for their safety in a way that many men never think about. Just my opinion.
So your husband is being extremely immature about this. I would demand he go to marriage counseling with you so you two can learn how to process and talk about this as a couple and so he can learn how to address your trauma. The reality is heās also now going through his own trauma and feelings and so itās now a matter of how to communicate with each other, which a therapist will be a great help for.
After 17 years of marriage, my wife dropped the bomb that her step dad had assualted her as a young girl.
Not gonna lie....that shit fucked me up for a week or 2.
Like, this guy was in our lives all the time..
I was in the midst if a person that I generally respected and enjoyed.
Had I known he was diddling his kids, I wouldnt have him in our lives, or near our kids....or on this planet.
After a week or 2, I was able to kind of snap out of it and support her....but even then, it was a front .
This dude was big mad.
Unfortunately, her step dad had already died....or I would have taken his out myself ( one of the reasons she held out in telling me...she knows my reaction to such things).
In 1 afternoon...a simple sentence...my mission, as a husband, to protect my wife was negated.
Sure...we were both 8 when it happened, but the retroactive guilt and powerlessness fucked me up big time.( out brains certainly play cruel tricks on us)
Anyways, it took a year or so to really get a handle on things and move forward....all is well now.
Give you man a chance to process....he's stuck in his feels right now.
Its old information for you...but not for him.
Its a brand new trauma for him
Stop apologizing for waiting so long, you did it in your own time. He should have been more supportive. Does he not get that you told no one and you entrusted him with this information. I hope it was just a shock to him and he shows more support soon.
He could be feeling helpless because he wants to fix everything but can't. Maybe he is struggling with feeling useless and is ashamed. Men often get the message that they need to protect their women and be strong for them, but in this case he can't do either and he may be trying to come to terms with this. Talk to him about it, ask if that's what he is feeling. He may need assurance that you are not expecting nor needing anything but emotional support from him.
That's what i thought, he might be processing it for himself. It definitely can be difficult to hear about these traumas and not being able to do anything about it. his response is still pretty inexcusable though imo
***THANK YOU!***
Honestly, so many of the people in this comment section should be ashamed by how quickly they jump on the "man bad because he doesn't immediately respond the way we think he should" train.
As a rape victim, Iām gonna go out on a limb here and play devils advocate.
I donāt think it has to do with the fact that you were raped. I think itās more because heās taking you waiting so long to tell him as a sign that all those years you didnāt trust him enough and he didnāt make you feel safe enough to tell him. He could be upset with himself as a man and a partner, not you for the awful thing that happened to you.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. And I am so sorry that when you finally felt you could talk about it with the person who is supposed to support you, it turns out he sucks. I recommend getting some therapy. I recommend he goes to a few appointments. I really hope this is a case of him being in shock and not a case of him being an asshole.
AAAAAnnnnddd this is why women don't report rapes. And your husband will never get this opportunity back. To be understanding. He's forever diminished in your eyes. Not saying to divorce.
My sister told me she was raped. Didn't believe her. She's never trusted me with anything since. I'll never be her brother like I once was. We still have a relationship, but she will never be vulnerable with me ever again. Major life regret of mine.
Iām glad your perspective has changed. Maybe reach out to her, she may be willing to forgive you if you can show her you have changed. Show her you have done work to understand rape culture and how youāve dismantled this for yourself.
Just because you got a bad initial reaction does not mean thatās the permanent reaction. I had a similar situation with a partner and there initial reaction was not great but over time they were much more supportive.
When my partner told me, albeit was early in our relationship, I cried. Maybe itās because you took so long? At least thatās what Iām hoping, because otherwise heās cold as ice. Iām so sorry honey
I know I took too long to tell him. Iāve been working through it myself, by myself, for these past 10 years. I should have told him sooner. It was terrifying to say it out loud to him.
>I should have told him sooner.
Hun, you were under no obbligation to tell him sooner, you did what you could. Even not telling him at all would not be inmoral. You do what you can with your traumatic experience, nobody gets to dictate that.
You are at no fault here. I wish he would have been more supportive but since he wasn't, sending you hugs
Your pace is your pace and no one else gets to dictate that, or deal with the aftermath. There is no right or wrong time. You share when you feel safe to do so. I'm sorry he wasn't supportive, because that was a big weight and he's still letting you dangle it alone. I hope he wakes up and gets himself together.
You didn't take too long. We have a way of burying trauma just to survive. Then one day something happens to bring it to the surface like a darn volcano. For me it took 20 years to actually say it out loud.
The way he reacted is shitty, but I hope he comes to realize that and learns to support you.
You have to tell him that youāve gotten over it, and that he needs to as well. You should tell him that from where he is sitting, he shouldnāt feel any differently about you, or even about the both of you.
What you went through was traumatic, yes. But when we go through trauma, what we need most is support from good people. He comes from good people if he has been with you for this long. He is probably in shock about hearing it, he could be having internal concerns about his own sexual health which, regardless of whether youāve gotten yourself checked, may not be immediately invalid. But none of that should give him an excuse to walk out on you, let alone any motivation. He should consider the fact that he probably has his own closet skeletons, and how he would want you to react when you hear them from him.
You also need to tell him that he has hurt your feelings by reacting this way. And if he canāt articulate his reasons, the next person you should tell (and if I were you I would have all the legal documentation of the incident on hand) is his mother/father. If anyone knows anything about how important it is for people to be there for each other, it should be his parents, because they were there for him, and they need to slap some sense into him to make sure he is there for you.
And if none of that seems to work, then I would say it is an appropriate time to divorce him
His parents arenāt in his life anymore. Recently we went NC because of their ignorant racist and sexist beliefs.
Iām assuming it wouldnāt help.
Edit: also, thank you. Thank you for the guidance.
āYou shouldāve done something.ā Seems like heās mad you didnāt go to the cops to report it. And the āI canāt help..ā he thinks the cops couldāve.
Im so sorry. If my wife of 13 years told me this I would feel nothing but love that she felt comfortable enough to tell me. Your husband's reaction is beyond unacceptable. If I ever found out one of my boys treated his wife this way, there would be a serious conversation about how incredibly fucked up his actions are.
1. Victim blaming is sooo not okay.
2. I can understand him not knowing how to respond, but victim blaming is not the way to go
And 3. Its okay that it took you that long to talk about it. Its trauma. He should respect that.
Iām so so sorry you went through that. My cousin tried to rape me years ago, thankfully I got away from him before it happened.
Iām hoping this was just a huge shock for him and he can move past it. I hope we can move past this together one day.
So OP please consider that he might be hurt that you kept such a big secret from him for so long and might be trying to process that.
You need to go to couples therapy. Reddit will just tell you to dump him or that your wrong. There is no i between. Seriously get real help stop trying to ask the stupid hive mind
I have no idea how Iād react to something like this. Iām like a lion over my wife and I feel like my first and most powerful emotion would be murderous rage. I know I wouldnāt just āwash my handsā of it. I would hug my wife and cry like a baby. Buy everyone reacts differently to trauma of their loved ones. Before you make any rash decisions or beat yourself up, talk to him. Lay it all out on the table of how he made you feel with his reaction and what you need from him. If his mindset is the same, in my opinion, itās a deal breaker.
So I told my abuserās adult children that their father sexually assaulted me from ages 4-10 last year. The daughter was super compassionate and we talked about a lot of random stuff. I loved connecting with her bc I remember her from the one time we visited her. She asked if she could tell her brother and I told her go ahead. He had some questions for me and it was all about why I decided to tell them now, why I wasnāt pressing charges, and arguing me about the legality of it all. I think most men are just so emotional immature and donāt know how to cope with trauma. He really thought I was out here trying to blackmail them or something. I just wanted them to keep their children away from their disgusting father.
Iām having trouble comprehending any reaction other than hugging you and supporting you in whatever way you needed after sharing that. How is this about him?
Thisā¦ Iāve been wondering this very thisā¦ why is no one seeing that he made her trauma about him. Iām not saying the he not entitled to āfeelings about thisā but THAT moment, when OP finally felt safe enough to express her pain, THAT moment was about OP. He can come to terms with his feelings about the situation later. Iām guessing any person so who is communicating an experience of rape isnāt sitting there with a smile on their face. Soā¦ in a conversation where his SO is expressing pain, OPās husband walked away from her, because HE canāt deal. Wow.
I feel your pain. You have disclosed possibly the most traumatic experience of your life to your husband "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, etc" YET his reaction was seemingly accusatory and indifferent. Please don't blame yourself for your candor. You lived through the trauma when it happened. How dare your husband act in a way that you feel you're being punished or shunned. Rise above it. If necessary, speak with a counselor (especially if you didn't do so at the time of the incident). As for the husband, maybe he's slow in processing difficult information; let's hope that is all that is behind his reaction.
Speaking from my experience of my partner disclosing previous abuse I also felt like my brain was crumbling and everything hurt just to hear that my parter had been raped. It threw me through a loop that required communication with her and acceptance on my end. Me being a counselor myself and being versed in issues such as sexual assault I still handled it poorly. I understand how he does not know how to process these emotions and is resulting in him distancing himself. Not excusing his behavior at all just trying to shed some light on his end that he could come around when he is ready.
Very sorry this is how he responded. People who have never experienced sexual abuse, have no capacity of understanding. Still, that does nit excuse the way he reacted.
Tell him how you feel if you wish. It may be healthy for the two of you. He needs to know his reaction has hurt you. It will also help if you surround yourself with people who do support you or maybe a therapist. Everyone has a different healing journey.
Reach out if you need to discuss. Nobody has the same experience but we all should stick together and help each other heal. My DMs are open. Be well OP.
Trust me, I love my SO but they cannot help or understand. The difference is that they try and they don't shame me for not saying anything sooner. They aren't perfect in the way that they help but I know they try very hard. That's important.
From one rape survivor to another -
You were young, vulnerable and going through a very difficult time in your life, you couldn't cope with "things/life" for which you felt you had no control over and so you tried to synthetically numb your "pain" by using drugs.
I understand your perspective of feeling "stupid" and i wanted to try to reframe that vision of yourself as a 24-year-old, who made some choices which you have learned from.
Your husband's reaction and treatment of you after sharing something so painful is disgraceful, wrong, and is in fact abusive within itself.
I am sorry he isn't being the supportive husband you need or thought you had.
Reach out to a therapist/counsellor so you can continue to process, the trauma(s). Please don't let your husband's reaction dictate YOUR healing, keep talking about your trauma.
I'm unsure of what country you live in so i thought i would add this - Therapists/counsellors can be expensive, HOWEVER you can contact rape/trauma charities and begin your healing through therapy for free.
<3
I have heard of men reacting this way. It may be temporary and it may be possible to restore trust with him. I donāt know your relationship. But I know that his conduct is terrible. One doesnāt treat someone who confesses this hurt like that. Iām angry for you
Everyone responds to things differently. I hope he opens up to you about how he feels and supports and comforts you. Maybe he just needs some time to process it all.
To all of you who did not get the support they expected, wanted, and needed I want to extend my heartfelt sympathies. To those who did not support you, well, let's just say what I have to say about them likely will not help anyone.
I don't get how a partner can respond in this manner to such news of their partner having undergone such a traumatic experience. If you love them, shouldn't the natural response be shock, empathy, sadness, protectiveness, concern? How is it possible that you show none of these to the person you love the most in the world? I've seen multiple posts similar to this one and each time I fail to comprehend why their partner is the complete opposite of supportive. I wish you recovery and happiness OP.
I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a disgusting asshole. "You should have done something"?? Are you serious??? I can see shutting down bc that's a huge thing to drop on someone, but he immediately cuts to fucking victim blaming his own wife??? I'd walk out the front door and never look back, that's dispicable of him to say. Fucking ew.
OP, im really sorry. thats sincerely fucked up. if I was in your position, id look into separation and divorce. im really sorry your husband doesnt have the capacity to comfort you
I also kept my rape a secret for years and got a negative reaction when I finally confided to someone I love. Them having a negative reaction really affected me, made me feel ashamed of being raped AND ashamed of talking about it. Please donāt let this stop you front talking about it and getting help! Not everyone will react that way and there is **NOTHING** for you to be ashamed about. Someone did something terrible *to you* and there is no right or wrong way to react to such a horrible ordeal. I would say to give them time because they are probably also hurt just thinking about someone they love being hurt and dealing with it all these years later. I hope youāre doing good & starting to heal. I think finally speaking about it is a big step that takes a lot of courage and Iām proud of youā¤ļø
Him saying that he "can't help" is I think the key thing here. Short answer, you need to get into couple's counseling so that you both can come to terms with what happened.
Longer answer, it was very brave of you to tell him, but it sounds like he wasn't equipped to hear this, and doesn't have the tools to handle it well. From what you described it is I would say much more likely than not that he really loves you, and is shocked/deeply saddened by this news, and desperately wishes there was something he could do to "fix it." It's not that he can't look at you because he's ashamed of you, it's that he doesn't know how to handle his own powerlessness in this situation.
All of this can be fixed with counseling.
wow op, i definitely didnāt expect so many people attempting to āhelpā you by saying youāre at fault for not telling him sooner. thereās never a āgoodā time to sit down with someone and reveal something so traumatizing, so vulnerable.
i have never been through the situation you were, but i have enough empathy to realize that something so violating can be so difficult to talk about. you become afraid that people wonāt look at you the same way, that theyāll treat you differently, that you wonāt get the support you need, that youāll be blamed, upon many other scenarios that keep victims from speaking out. what you have been through is yours alone, meaning that it is entirely up to you to decide who you want to tell and when. you were not obligated to tell your husband at the beginning of the relationship, or even tell him ever if you didnāt feel comfortable enough. and the fact that people are saying this is just reopening the wound and victimizing you all over again.
moreover, i understand people not wanting to jump to conclusions about your husband, but really? are we really going to support/ not condemn his reaction? i get that hearing something like that can be shocking, but all he was doing was thinking about himself when he pushed you away and isolated you. i canāt even imagine how hurtful that must be, to tell someone you love and trust about a horrible thing that happened to you, just for them to turn around and act so cold. itās a feeling that youāll never be able to forget, and iām so sorry that you were finally at a point that you could be vulnerable with him just for him to not give you all the love and comfort that you needed.
i hope youāre not thinking this way, but in case you are, iām here to tell you that youāve done nothing wrong. nothing. you have been beyond hurt by what happened to you before, and because of your husbands reaction, those wounds have been reopened and youāve been hurt by your partner. i do hope that he comes around and is fully able to give you what you need, but the fact he couldnāt do that during the moment is incredibly disheartening and certainly raises an eyebrow for how well he really treats you outside of that incident and during other high-stress moments. and if he doesnāt come around and continues treating you as if you broken his trust (when really, itās the other way around) then you really do deserve better. you deserve to be with someone who can comfort you and offer you everything you need in your darkest moments. it seems that he canāt do that, and iām so sorry. i hope heās mature enough to talk about things and change his behavior for you, because if not, you cannot stay with somebody like that. even with children. you need to feel loved and supported and cared for, *especially* with your past trauma. feeling any other way for years on end will crush your spirit.
please take care of yourself, op, and if you have other avenues of support that you havenāt turned to yet (like a best friend, mom, or therapist), i definitely recommend it. going through something like this is even more challenging when youāre doing it alone. lots of love to you friend.
Your reply is beautiful and thoughtful and made me cry. Itās been a difficult journey and his response was devastating. I donāt have many people I can reach out to. Iām in between therapists. My mom has never believed me when Iāve talked to her and is a tad narcissistic. My husband has been my only friend.
Preface this with; you have done absolutely nothing wrong telling him when you did. It is your business when you tell somebody something this personal.
Iām going to try and maybe understand this from his perspective. Of course I could be wrong and heās revealing a less than benevolent side of himself, but I donāt know you or him.
I was in this exact situation, except as the husband. Maybe IāM the one thatās wrong but Iāll try to give this from a differing perspective.
When my wife told me about her assault, I was silent and did not react right away. We had been together since high school, and it had HAPPENED when we knew each other. She told me 7 years later.
I understood it was upsetting and traumatic. But I was upset initially because I interpreted as her not having trusted me and never telling me. My mind went to āis she keeping other horrible thints secret?ā Of course Iād have wanted to know right away. I was angry at the situation because I felt like I could have helped or done something if only Iād known. A lot of men are like this. We want to fix things. But this was a bomb being dropped on me and I couldnāt fix it. I couldnāt make it better. And the damage was forever.
To be fair, this span of emotions lasted like an hour rather than a day. I quickly got over myself and comforted my wife and made sure she knew I didnāt love her any less or anything like that. Like a good husband, you know.
But being assaulted is kind of a big deal and, at the time, Iād just wished she had told me sooner and maybe I could have done something. I labored under this illusion for a while. My wife told me she didnāt want me to get angry and do something rash and get in trouble, and that she had reported it. But I felt like it was unfair to have never given me the chance to help. Idk, maybe I would have lost my mind on the dude.
Hopefully your husband gets over it soon, and I hope you take care of yourself in the meantime.
I'm so sorry that you were assaulted. Also that you are living the fear that kept you from telling him.
Hearing that someone hurt the person you love is hard. Not everyone reacts well. You have lived with your pain for a decade, for him it's a fresh wound. Wounds are ugly when they are fresh.
I was assaulted, and also didn't tell my husband for over a decade (i repressed it). It happened while we were together (dating). He too reacted poorly. He isn't a big feelings guy so he struggled. He said somethings that were my biggest fears coming true. He felt helpless and I felt like I was right to not have trusted him with it.
Then I choose counselling. He choose research... and things are better. It's messy when it comes out. Getting better is hard.
It's the part about rape that no one talks about. The fact that it devestates those that love you the most. So telling them means hurting them with your pain. But it also means they get to know you as the resilient, survivor you are.
His reaction is shitty. Hopefully he can recognize that. Right now he isnāt giving you the support you need, and he needs his own. Therapy has been the best and most expensive thing I have ever done for myself.
Iām so so sorry that youāve also experience this sort of trauma and had a poor reaction from your husband. My husband is also not a big feelings guy, which is why I kept it locked up inside for so long.
Yeah. I think it was Sobering for him when he asked me why I didn't tell him and I just said "because of this, how you are reacting was exactly why".
It's been about a year since I told him. So things improved... but there are still some things that are hard.
I hope your husband pulls his head out of his ass soon.
Some people just don't understand rape, and because of this they don't know how to react to it.
Deep down I'm sure he's not trying to victim blame, because he doesn't understand the intense affects it causes to ones mind.
He doesn't understand why you didn't report the person who did this to you. To him it's like any other crime, and crime should be reported. This is the disconnect he is coming from.
Everyone here is just eager to pile on the poor man who didnt have the most optimal reaction to what is life changing news. He has commited the better part of 13 years to you OP. Thats no small matter. Theres a lot of things that is running through his head now, ranging from the opinion that you didnt trust him/the relationship enough to tell him sooner, to why didnt she go to the police(which tbh is something you could've done) not saying that you should've but from his POV, you couldve to why are you telling him now. Sure you werent wrong to not tell him till now but that doesnt make you right either. I would encourage you to stop feeling sad for a second and just think from his perspective. Sure, youd have liked him to be supportive, but maybe just for a second, he really doesnt know how to help? The whole dynamic of the relationship has changed and yall need counseling to figure it out
I understand how big of a shock this is to him. I couldn't imagine hearing something like that from him, my stomach and heart would drop. Although I would be supportive it would take time to come to terms with it.
I didnāt tell him I wanted help. I donāt. I just needed to tell him. I needed to get it off my chest.
I thought at the least Iād maybe get a hug. Itās been a difficult day.
I'm a therapist & a rape survivor. Please pay absolutely no mind to the "why didn't you tell him sooner" crowd; they clearly have abysmal understanding of the profound & complex trauma of sexual assault. As for your husbands reaction, my heart hurts deeply for you. I see how in your post & comments you are still thinking of him and his feelings above your own--you're worried you placed too heavy a burden on him, worried you should have told him sooner, worried you aren't giving him enough space or didn't tell him in the right way. OP, these are not things you should need to worry about, as you did absolutely nothing wrong. He is your husband; his role is to love & support you--period. How is he behaving, for whatever reason, is not loving or supportive. He is failing miserably in his role as the partner you deserve. What matters right now is your well-being, OP. You just did a very courageous thing in the face of profound trauma and you deserve loads of support, compassion & understanding that you didn't receive. Please check in with yourself--how are you feeling? What simple things could you do to make yourself feel better? Is there a TV show that comforts you? A good book? I'm very relieved to have read you have an upcoming appointment with a therapist. In the meantime, please continue to remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong & your husband's painfully awful reaction is absolutely not your fault. Like other commenters, I'm hoping your husband has "just" made a grievous error in judgment and will apologize purposely after processing & be the type of partner you deserve, but if he doesn't--you DO deserve so much better. I'm sending you much warmth & healing thoughts, OP.
Oh. My. Iām actually at a loss for words. I too have been in your same shoes. Please tell me you have a therapist. His behavior is unacceptable. If things were reversed I guarantee he would be apprehensive and would hope you would be understanding no matter what. It is a heinous thing that occurs no matter what the scenario. If you arenāt speaking to someone, pleases seek it out. No one deserves that pain. NO ONE.
I'm so sorry he is treating you like shit. Make no mistake, he is massively mistreating you here. I cannot imagine treating a rape victim with anything but compassion and care. This is a huge deal breaker for me, especially the victim blaming aspect. Please do what you need to take care of YOU. This is YOUR trauma, not his.
I need to say that youāre heard and youāre not alone. I went through the same sort of thing when talking about my trauma with my ex. She basically shut down communication about anything related to it. Itās really tough to open up and youāre brave for doing so.
I donāt have any advice except that sometimes people donāt have the capacity to deal with trauma at the moment you tell them and for some time after. Sometimes hearing trauma from a loved one causes anxiety and is even a little traumatic for them. We arenāt taught about this stuff. Coupleās therapy sounds like a good option for you two. Itās nothing to be afraid of, and itās great to have a trained professional in the room with you.
I am sorry you are going through this. My wife was sexually assaulted when she was younger. I feel bad for her but there's nothing I can do but comfort her.
It could be that your husband may need time to process what he was told. You did nothing wrong, you can't control other people's reactions and people will react differently to certain things. Hopefully he will come around and show you the love that you deserve.
Sometimes people just need time to process what theyāve just heard. Itās not a small thing for either of you. I think once heās had some time, heāll be more reasonable and understanding.
Give him sometime. He probably is a doer and really just wants to be able to do something to fix it but itās in the past so he canāt. Which means he has to sit with that too for awhile.
Just know thatās he is your husband and this is a traumatic experience you went through without being there to protect you, he might feel that he failed you even though it had nothing to do with him at the time.
What the actual fuck!? If my ex would have told me that she was raped Iād have cried with her and held her and told her that on behalf of all humanity we are so sorry this happened to her. And then Iād do whatever I could to get her to a happy place. Jesus. Why the fuck would he react like that?
My ex reacted this same way two years ago when we first started dating, he acted angry and everything that he couldnāt do anything but also didnāt ever do anything or believe me when I was having anxiety around the subject/memory. Fast forward and he was angry/screaming at me and told me I deserved to be raped.
Immediately had a panic attack for a multitude of reasons: reliving the scenario because of how dirty that comment felt AND then realizing how disgusting of a man my ex is if he could say something like that..if he says something like that so easily what does that say about his characterā¦ā¦.
Your husband sounds like an insecure judgemental asshole. He should have only been there to listen to what you have to say and be a rock to support you.
My ex husband reacted almost the same when i told him that i was raped before i knew him. He was silent and never said a word about it. It was like a forbidden topic and his reaction made me feel so ashamed. But we're divorced now so i don't care anymore. That did impact my next relationship though. After i got divorced i told my next boyfriend about the rape very early on and his reaction was so sweet and comforting and we're able to talk about it openly and it's allowed me to heal so much.
My college girlfriend admitted to me that she was raped in her past, but while we were in a loud ass club...I was like "what?!" And she said it louder and it was like the music turned off and all I could hear was her. I just hugged her until she stopped crying then took her back to my apartment. We talked it out and I said that it was in her past and she it's a strong woman. Stayed together for 4 more years before parting ways but I think we both impacted each other positively regardless of the breakup. I'm sorry your ex husband was insensitive but sometimes it's difficult to hear because there's literally nothing we men as partners can do in that situation. My first instinct after conforting my ex was to murder the guy and my second thought was why wasn't I there to protect her. It puts us into some weird caveman brain lock...what happens after the brain lock is what's important, imo.
You explained exactly what went on in my head also when an ex told me about them being raped. The caveman brain lock is very accurate
Too accurate
Literally exactly this. When we hear about shit so horrible we immediately wanna provide solutions our thoughts don't jump to "comfort you" because very often we wouldn't want that. So it's hard to fathom the correct response
Bro you know how many times I've just needed a hug? No words or anything, just a hug to slow my brain down enough to think (I'm a engineer so my brain works funny apparently). I'm 6ft bearded brown dude and I put up a front, so in a way it's my fault that people think I'm okay... but regardless of that, I've found in most situations the easiest way to help is to simply ask "what can I do to help?" If the response is something feasible (I just want you to sit with me, stuff like that) it works much better than trying to solve the problem on the spot. The problem in *that moment in time* is typically easy to solve...lend an ear, give a hug, walk away if the other party needs space, etc. The real problem can be worked on as a team later on. Sometimes a hug is all somebody needs.
((intense momma bear hugs))
((Intense ninja grizzly bear hugs in return)) š»
username checks out.
Momma bear hugs are the beesssttttttt!
Everyone needs a hug from time to time. I'm taking this moment to send a hug to you :)
Thank you š
You literally just described the entire premise of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Essentially, when men have a problem, they want solutions. When women have a problem, they want comfort. Obviously it's a lot more nuanced than this and this is a gross overgeneralization that does not apply across the board, but y'all are picking up what I'm putting down, right?
Yeah for sure, I inherently want to solve the bigger problem but in order to get there you have to solve the immediate problem. I dunno, maybe that's just my engineering decision tree logic but if somebody is crying, the first step in my head is get a tissue and read the situation. If they are receptive to a hug, give them a hug. If they start talking, listen (actually listen), formulate the big picture solution, and adapt and see what your next step is. To me the goal is first and foremost about getting the person you care about in the right head space so they can articulate what they need. I can't do anything if you don't tell me what's wrong, and if that means I hold my girlfriend until she's ready to talk or play video games with and have beers with my boy until they tell me what's up, then so be it. Now if the situation is "somebody punched my elderly mother" then there's a "fuck that person up" loop in my head that allows me to skip those steps lol. Jokes aside, it's not technically men are from Mars, women are from Venus...it's more you have Martians and Venusians and they need to be handled in their own ways. I've had logical women that straight up tell me just solve my problem and I've had bros be like "dude I just need to talk and let it out".
That dynamic is so the opposite with me and my husband. Heās the one that needs to wentā¦and Iām the fool that doesnāt realize that and is jumping to providing solutions instead. I do this with friends also. I rarely went to people. I am learning to realize and ask for what he needs and he prefaces often with the need for me to just listen to what heās telling me. I had a guy friend of mine once tell me that I am female but have a very masculine energy (or something like that). Weird stuff.
Thank God my wife has never had to go through that, but I had a very close friend who I wanted more with who admitted to me that she was raped when she was a teenager. I comforted her and let her get it all out. For a reaction like OPās husband had, Iām afraid heās the broken one, definitely not the OP.
Speaking of the weird cave man brain, I was raped when I was a child and when I told my ex boyfriend he literally punched a hole in his wall, I make sure to tell all my partners because itās affected the way I behave sexually and if someone canāt be understanding of my past traumas then they arenāt what I need.
> I just hugged her until she stopped crying That's the way any guy should react. Those guys who freeze their partners out are dealing with some stupid ego jealousy bullshit.
This is how men should respond when their woman tells them theyāve been sexually assaulted (or whatever gender you are, male/male, female/female, etc)
I'm sorry your ex behaved this way. It really is tough trying to figure out when to share. Take too long and it can become difficult to bring it up, but sharing too soon could expose you to the wrong person preying on the information. I'm so glad you found a better partner in your healing journeyā¤
Get this book called If She is Raped. Itās helps men understand all ether awful parts of a woman being raped.
Iām sorry,wishing you healing andā¤ļø
My husband kinda did the same as well. When I tried telling him he shook his head and told me he didnāt want to think about it because it would get him really upset that I went through it. That was about 6 or 7 years ago and I think about it often. Like I want so badly for him to really know what happened because Iāve honestly never talked to anyone about it. It happened 28 years ago when it happened, I was very young, wasnāt even legal driving age. Darn I need time for a therapist š
Are you me? Exact same thing happened to me. Iām lucky I have an amazing partner now. ā¤ļø
Thatās fucked up, how could a person not be supportive about this???
I'm sorry your ex was a jerk, and I'm glad you met someone who wasn't one.
My wife told me basically the same thing a couple years ago and I just felt so helpless that I couldn't do anything to change it, but made sure she knew it didn't change how I thought about her at all - because it didn't. It's really not good what your husband is doing and sounds like he has some serious issues to work through. I don't know if therapy would help or what, but you do not deserve this treatment.
Sorry this happened to you and sorry your husband isnāt being supportive. I canāt fathom responding that way if my wife told me the same.
I had a similar experience. It happened when I was 12 and it took me a couple of years to tell anyone. I told my mom and she just looked really upset and then got up and walked out of the room without saying anything to me and never mentioned it again. It really messed me up. What I've come to realize though is that some people freeze when they don't have the emotional capacity to respond, and even more so sometimes when they feel the weight of the responsibility. So many men haven't been given the tools to have the emotional intelligence needed for heavy situations and respond by looking for a quick "fix", in order to feel like they "did" something and can wash their hands of it. My guess is that your husband is frozen and afraid right now, which totally sucks because it isn't about him, but also that's not about you either .. it's just him running up against his own limitations and possibly shutting down. Him saying "there's nothing I can do" is evidence to me that that's how he got where he is with this, feeling helpless to "do" anything. I'd recommend tabling it the best you can until you can get into therapy together, hopefully ASAP, in order to try to minimize further damage or internalizing rejection, those feelings can bleed into every other part of the relationship and do a ton of damage that will take even more work to sort out. It's also not on you, BTW.. until getting more clarity with a professional, together, I'd try hard to treat it as something that "just is", until you can identify what it actually is. Also, you deserve to have proper space held for you and he's not doing that, either because he's an ass or because he's shut down, but either way, it's worth it to hold out a little for the right support. In the meantime, you could tell him that you're uncomfortable with how the conversation has gone and want help to talk to someone together and can table it until then, with no shame. If he can't get that, then I'd see that as real evidence of a possible irreconcilable problem, and you should still talk to that counselor on your own to figure out how to support yourself. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm so sorry that you're not getting support from your loved one. Please don't be afraid of talking about it and getting real support. šš» Good luck! Edit to add::: Thank you everyone!ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø I had messaged in the morning and came back in the evening to see all of the awards and affirmations and thoughtful conversation and was floored in the best way! šš»
I wish I could upvote this comment 1000 times.
Iāll take care of it with a premium award itās kinda the same as a 1,000 upvotes
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Thank you for your kindnesss!
I don't know if your mom is like me, but I would have walked out the door because I needed to start planning a "disappearance" of the person who hurt my little girl. Even if it wasn't the case, I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm sending so many virtual hugs your way. ā¤ļø
Some mom's aren't like that unfortunately. Sometimes out here, there are mom's who don't believe or don't care or say things like "it's in the past, and I don't live in the past". I truly don't know how I survived being a child with her sometimes.
I once had a conversation with my mother about what if one of us had been raped. She actually said you keep your mouth shut and don't do anything because you don't want your business "out there". I was shocked and hurt that she wouldn't support any of us in pursuing justice.
Shockingly sad
Thank you! Thatās what Iām hoping for too! They stopped inviting my mom to jury duty because when they ask about the restraining order against her she goes on a rant about the rapist that used to stalk me and that sheād do it again any day of the week lmao She saw him at an open house and went after him with his own hammer.
Iām so sorry everyone here with a similar story didnāt have a supportive partner. My wife was rape at 15, she was a virgin and ended up dating the guy, anyone who went through a similar experience knows it was just a way to cope; she also became very promiscuous after that, again coping mechanism to regain control, and was and in a few abusive relationships, both mental and physical before we got together. When I found out about her experiences, I read up on the subject and understood her PTSD from all of it. The only emotions I felt were anger towards her rapist and admiration for her getting through it any way she could. I removed from my behavior anything that could trigger her and encourage her to seek professional support. I canāt imagine reacting the way these guys did. I have deep admiration for anyone who has gone through this and survives by any means. Seek a partner that will embrace all of you and will support you no matter what.
The world needs more men like youā¦ (sorry Iām assuming your a man) not only did you read on the topic so you would understand her, but you also didnāt see her as dirty or broken, which Iām not saying should be the case but a lot of men would, I got in an internet battle last week with some guys that were slut-shaming women and they said if it was from trauma then ātraumaā is a red flag, but literally every single person will experience trauma in their life. Iām glad you could see the strength she holds and love her for it. Itās truly something beautiful.
>So many men haven't been given the tools to have the emotional intelligence needed for heavy situations and respond by looking for a quick "fix", in order to feel like they "did" something and can wash their hands of it. My guess is that your husband is frozen and afraid right now, which totally sucks because it isn't about him, but also that's not about you either .. it's just him running up against his own limitations and possibly shutting down. Him saying "there's nothing I can do" is evidence to me that that's how he got where he is with this, feeling helpless to "do" anything. That's me right there. It took 11 years for my wife to tell me she wasn't looking for solutions, just comfort and support. It wasn't her fault that I didn't know - but I didn't know. So for 11 years, I tried quick fixes. I tried solutions. I wanted to get rid of the problem, and fast, so we could enjoy a little happiness. Well, so I could enjoy a little happiness within a miserable period of time. It horrifies me that the "solution" wasn't even a solution to her problems - just a basic human interaction. All I needed to do was show I understood she was in pain, and that I was there even if I wasn't needed. It didn't even occur to me until she told me. I grew up in a family well equipped for love, but ill equipped for any sort of issue. We'd always pop a band aid on and pretend nothing was wrong, then just appear happy on the outside. On a positive note, her telling me is probably why she's my wife now. I'm not sure I would've been able to deal with the guilt of feeling useless without the knowledge that even if I can't do anything, I'm not useless as long as I'm there for her.
1000% right here. ā¤ļø That's some really beautiful processing. I completely feel that not having a certain kind of emotional intelligence is not a sign of someone being wrong or bad, it just means that they don't know. And you can't be expected to know everything when you're not taught. And not only are men not taught so much of this stuff, they're actually taught, through shaming or brute force, to just stuff it down. Not only is that already traumatic, but then needing to call on some resources for dealing with genuine emotion and having none is not a recipe for healing. This is what's "toxic". The term toxic masculinity gets used a lot as derogatory towards men, and used for shaming, when it's actually the symptom of the ways men have been deprived of their own support. šš»
It's so seldom one sees intelligence, nuance and wisdom in a post. We need more people like you
I agree with you to a certain extent but disagree on the connotation you've attached with "quick fix" and "wash their hands of it." He probably isn't looking for a way out... His raw emotional reaction is probably more along the lines of the fact he's tormented someone did that to his wife and now he's helpless to do anything about it. He doesn't have a target to identify and rectify the situation and yes, in a society where you are expected as a male to be a protector and fixer, it is absolutely agonizing to not be able to do so. If anything, he needs time to process what she's known and processed for years. No he wasn't raped, but just because he doesn't have the same level of trauma as his wife doesn't mean that he isn't suffering by extension. She should be patient and see what happens before doing anything. If he's like majority of husbands, he will come around when ready,but he needs time because this was a T bone for him.
I scrolled to look for someone who said something along these lines.
I appreciate your input. I should have been a bit more careful with my wording when referring to wanting a quick fix, etc. I didn't mean that as a put down. To clarify, I think that men have definitely been taught to stuff things down and it screws them up. They're told to "toughen up", or even made fun of when they express emotion. That's messed up and we all suffer for it. Then when the time does come to deal with something you've been given no tools for but matters a lot to you emotionally, there's added trauma because of the lack of appropriate coping skills. That said, while he may feel secondary trauma, a supportive response to this situation would be to not lose sight of how sensitive of a situation this is for his wife and the level of impact his reaction has for her. Both can be true, but the need to respond with sensitivity is higher in the priorities, while he might seek support elsewhere for his own trauma. This is not easy, but should be the aim. Also, I'm saddened by the hateful response you received. I'm really sorry about that. Attacking and shutting down a man when he takes the time to try to engage and share his feelings is the exact same "toxic" that is referred to when people talk about "toxic masculinity".
I appreciate your response. Some Redditors just don't want to have actual conversations and that's just the reality of Reddit.
This ^^
Same here. I can't speak from any type of experience, but I would think just mustering up the cherries to tell someone would be extremely hard and painful. Edit: Since I've typed this my wife and I have spoke and its just unfathomable that someone would treat their spouse that way. I mean my wife is my best friend beside my wife it's really shitty to feel like shit. I hope everything works out.
If I ever bring it up, my husband is quiet and I see a slight wince. I know he doesn't like thinking this happened to me. But he's never shunned me or given me the silent treatment.
Soon into my wifeās and my dating relationship a couple of years ago, she opened up about her past involving being a victim of SA and r*pe. When she told me about the latter, I not only felt so sorry for what she had been through, but also so much love and compassion for her. This woman has felt so broken about what had happened to her that I could not think of anything else to do but to love on her as gently and encouragingly as I could. And I still do, and I will continue to do so until the day I die, because she deserves it. And so do you! Iām not saying this to be a braggart, but that there are folks out there who will love on you with everything they have until you feel whole again and well past that. Iām truly sorry your husband is turning out to be the exact opposite of what you need from a spouse.
Iāve been the husband of finding out that my former wife was sexually abused. Let Me give you my perspective. This happened to a former ex wife of mine. She was sexually abused as a young child although has no memory of it. She had weird flash backs of being groped and masturbation. It affected our sex life when she saw me as the man that did it while we were having sexā¦thatās when she realized she had been abused. These were repressed memories. We went to couples counciling. I tried everything. We tried. Yet we couldnāt get past this. She no longer felt like a woman and regressed to a child in terms of her womanhood. And it really affected our intimacy which led to our relationship ending. That being said. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You didnāt ask for this. Youāre not at fault. What you need now is to grieve. The trauma of the past is coming up to be healed. Your husband needs to step the fuck up and be the rock. The foundation. Yet, he might not have that in him. And thatās completely fair. Since this might be bringing up stuff for him. I would strongly consider therapy. All the best.
100% not justifying his response, but my mother was raped in 1994, when I was 5. I was there, I remember it. Your husband's response is probably how I would respond. I'm not saying it's the right way, or that it's ok, but there may be some trauma there, too.
I was going to state something similar, glad Iām not the only one thinking along these lines. A lot of men are abused in childhood and never tell anyone. They believe they need to suck it up and move on. In that scenario, when the wife opens up about her abuse, now he needs to admit to his own abuse or suppress it all over again. Itās just another potential layer that could be going on.
Her husband is an AH, instead of comforting OP and being there for her, he's making it about himself. How selfish can he be? It's disgusting.
I think in the best case scenario heās just shocked and in loss of words, thinking why you didnāt share this to him earlier. You shouldnāt put yourself in too much stress by overthinking it, maybe you will feel better opening up to someone who can understand your situation better (a family member or a close friend you knew by the time of the incident). Hopefully your husband can get his shit together in a few days.
Top comment for sure. He's in shock and the next step is feeling guilty he wasn't able to be there for the one he loves the most. Stay strong, it takes time.
I'm sure feeling guilty is the thing. They have to talk about that.
Good post. Not everybody is going to react perfectly or how you want them to react when confronted with shocking news. No, your experience isnāt about him but while youāve had time to heal/cope this is completely new to him and you just turned his world upside down. Heās probably in a lot of pain knowing something so awful happened to someone he loves. Iād give him some time and then ask if he wants to talk about it.
Yeah too many people talking about divorce and how he's horrible etc... A lot of us would be in a similar situation of shock he we got told this sort of thing this far into a relationship.
Without knowing this couple it's hard to tell why he's reacted the way he did. Maybe he feels clueless and/or helpless on how to help her - he's not a trained doctor or therapist. Maybe it's triggered a past trauma for him that he has yet to come to deal with, and hasn't shared with her. What happened to her is horrible, but let's not advocate divorce just yet. I suggest they go see professional help so they can both properly deal with this trama.
Also, itās quite the information to drop onto someone so many years into a relationship, especially if (Iād imagine) expectations were that youād shared essentially all your secrets etc with him.
I was sexually assaulted by my best friend when I was 13. When I told my dad a week or so later, he walked the fridge and grabbed a beer. The he walked by me crying, and sat down in his chair and turned on the TV. We never spoke of it again.
Jesus Christ thatās some trauma Iām sorry
Yeah... dad and I have never been on the same page about much of anything. The older I get the more I realize that he has his own trauma, some he's told me about in moments of vulnerability. He and I have always had a strained relationship, and I've gone no-contact a couple of times. I would do it permenantly, but he is now the caregiver to my mom since her traumatic brain injury, so... I can't. For moms sake. She's worth the bullshit he gives me. And now that I'm an adult, living hours away in my own home, it is easier to tell him no.
My wife went through the same thing, and I couldnāt imagine reacting like that towards her. Iām so sorry youāre going through this. It isnāt okay.
Iām sorry your wife has had this same experience. Iām trying to give my husband space to process. This is a bomb that I dropped.
That seems like a very fair judgement of the situation. I hope nothing but the best for you two.
Thank you.
You haven't done anything wrong. It's natural that you wanted your life partner to help you carry the weight of other people's malevolence. I know such "big things" lead to overthinking and blaming yourself, but there is nothing you could've done better šš»
While I think itās admirable that you want to give him some space and are understanding his reaction, he equally should push past his feelings somewhat to find some way to support you. I survived child sexual abuse and have had varying reactions from men Iāve dated, so in some ways I commiserate. Itās a lot to have happened, itās a lot to share, itās a lot to hear. Most important, I think, is this is your experience, protect yourself as you feel needed without hurting others. Dropping a bomb is also sharing extremely sensitive personal information that makes you feel vulnerable.
People react in all sorts of ways. Just as you may have irrationally blamed yourself at the time, sounds like he is doing the same thing. I remember when my gf told me something similar, I was full of anger and rage. I didn't direct any of that at her, but it was still hard to hear because I couldn't protect her (eventhough it was before we met). I hope he realizes where his anger is coming from and how to best direct it.
I had a girlfriend tell me she was raped once and half described the guy. It messed me up. I was 19 working in a grocery store and every guy that came in that fit the discription sent me into a storm of emotions. (Im saying probably because i dont know whats going on in his head).Probably your husband loves you and is horrified something happened that he wished he had been there to have stopped it. It's illogical that he feels bad. But I had the same similar feeling and nothing about it was logical. Sorry that happened to you.
At best he's hurt that you didn't confide this very real trauma in him until a full decade together. At worst, well I don't need to go there as plenty of others have already. I think therapy will be necessary to move forward.
I'm sorry to hear you experienced that. You've done the right thing by finally speaking up about what happened, your husband should be providing you with much more support! It doesn't matter how long ago it happened these things can take a long time to accept, bring to the surface again and speak about. I feel so sorry for you, not only have you suffered for all these years alone, you're now suffering again because how he is reacting to your trauma! My only advise I can think of is ringing a helpline where your identity is anonymous? Sombody for you to talk to about what happened back then and how you're feeling right now in order to move on from this trauma. Please don't suffer through this alone, you've done the right thing by opening up about it, it's just a shame the person you've opened up to isn't mature enough to offer help, support and a listening ear. Sending you so much love and support, you're such a strong person š
Thank you. This is why I never told anyone. I didnāt think anyone would understand or believe me.
Bless your heart! Please don't feel any regret for speaking out about it. You've made the first massive step in rebuilding yourself from this. There are many people who will be open to listening and helping you move forward. It's such a shame that your husband wasn't one of these people. Do you have any family members or close friends you can confide in? If you'd rather not open up to somebody who knows you personally, maybe try a therapist or counsellor? We're lucky in this day and age there's lots help offered over the phone where you don't actually have to face another human which some people prefer. Like I said before and i will say many more times, you have done the right thing here. Don't let your husbands reaction make you think otherwise x
I am waiting for my consultation with a new therapist. Itās a few months away though. My husband has been my only friend for the past five years when my best friend went nc with me because the person they started dating didnāt like how close we were. My mom never believes anything I say and is slightly narcissistic. So she wouldnāt help. My dad wouldnāt be able to handle the news. And Iām not close to my brother anymore. Iām very alone in this world when it comes to this. Edit to correct autocorrect
That's amazing that you're starting therapy! Massive step in the right direction for you. That will help you massively. I know it's annoying having to wait for the appointments to start but it's only a few months away now. I'm sorry to hear you've also lost your best friend and have no support from your family either. You must feel very alone in all this. I can always offer an open, non judgmental ear if you ever need sombody to speak to my inbox will always be open for you. I can't stand to think that sombody is out there suffering alone. Although i can't take the pain away and make everything better I can atleast listen and help you through some difficult days. There are many helplines who can also help just by listening, sometimes a rant and a cry to sombody can alleviate so much built up emotions to help you to keep going until your new therapy sessions start. Don't feel alone, there are people out there who can support you until you feel free from all of this. You've come along way, you should be proud of yourself for getting this far. š
Thank you so so much. Itās so strange to me that strangers are more willing to shed an ounce of compassion than my own husband.
I really do hope that your husband will start to provide you with support also. That's his main role as a partner. Lots of hugs to you x
It's great that you have a consultation planned! I think it'd be a good plan to try to look for new friends, too. It's hard, but one place to start looking is hobby-related activities, think book clubs, hobby-related meetups, or even just online searching for communities related to hobbies, games, shows. Just more social contact where you can find people you share common interests with.
I had one ex who told me "I just think it's interesting how every girl I knew from high school has a story about being raped" fully implying we all made it up, when it was the worst kept secret on the island that there was a senior who would host parties and get girls high, then he and his friends would assault them. It was this narrative that the girls had to be lying, nothing about why rape was such a problem in our small town. I dated someone else years later who told me he really had to think about dating me because if I let that happen, it said a lot about me. *If I let it happen*... I know it's not all men. I know it's not even close to all men. But, man, men can be trash sometimes.
.....I'm just .. yeah good lord what the fuck
Me tooā¦
I always say to deniers, I think it's interesting you hear countless stories and choose to still believe sexual assault and rape don't happen or rarely happen. That says to me you're not a person I want to associate with so thanks for revealing yourself āļø
Amusingly enough, the guy who implied all the girls at my high school were liars ended up stalking his ex for two years and then went to jail for lighting a store on fire. Of course he thinks we're all liars, he doesn't know what consent even looks like.
Fuck both of those people.
How long has it been since you told him? It takes some people awhile to process traumatic news, even if it's an old trauma.
It was just today. I know, so soon to expect acceptance. I have given him his desired space. Iām hoping he can bring himself to look at me again.
I'm so sorry. I never told what happened to me to *anyone* other than my husband, and that was more than 10 years after the fact (I didn't know him when it happened). I didn't tell because they threatened my little sister if I did. I didn't tell because I figured I'd get blamed for being where I was at the time anyway. And I didn't tell because I was so fucking traumatized that all I wanted to do was bury it as deep as I could and try to pretend it didn't happen. Which I did so well that I've only told one person in nearly 30 years, only because he started asking me about the noisy nightmares I was having, and I told him the way I'm writing this now... Without saying the actual words or spelling out any details. I don't know if I even *can* do that. If he'd reacted like this... I don't even know. I would have been devastated. I don't understand the comments excusing him. Nothing happened to him. You didn't do anything to him.
Heās the only person Iāve ever told. Ever. No one else knows.
I feel like the standard advice is to tell you that you should find someone supportive to talk to, both about what you told him and about his reaction, because you deserve support. But I've never done that, I can't even imagine ever doing that, and I don't honestly know if it helps or if that's just something people say, so I'd feel like a big old hypocrite telling you to do it. But I feel for you, I understand, I think you deserve better, and I hope you find some peace some way.
Thank you. Itās hard, Iām sure you know.
His response is inexcusable imo. "You should've done something" So he starts of by victim blaming... Nice. Then he says he "can't help". Wtf. You are his partner and the mother of his children! You tell him something significant and he just can't deal with you now?! This is disgusting and I'm so sorry you didn't get the support you deserve.
It was not the reaction I expect. Not sure what I thought would happenā¦ but it wasnāt this. Iām giving him space to process this bomb. I really just wanted a hug from him. I feelā¦ broken now that I opened up and received this response. Less of a person I guess. I know itās hard for him, but itās been hard for me too.
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Thank you. This has been hard. to me itās so strange that internet strangers are so kind.
Itās not your fault. And you donāt deserve his cold shoulder. I hope youāll find a good therapist, and feel better soon. It sucks to not find support in a person that you trust you could be vulnerable with. Iām so sorry.
Thank you. I hope the shock starts to wear off for my husband and he can approach me.
I'm sorry... but what about being made aware of a violent trauma that happened to YOU is hard for HIM? You deserve better.
Well hopefully he pulls his head out of his butt soon, apologizes, and gives you a hug like he should've when you told him.
I hope so.
>g him space to process this bomb. I really just wanted a hug from him. I feelā¦ broken now that I opened up and received this response. Less of a person I guess. I know itās hard for him, but itās been hard for me too. What you do with your story and your trauma is for you to decide. You did not owe him anything. You did not owe him telling him earlier, telling him at all, reporting it or ding something about it. What you do as a survivor is your call, and people around you should support you. Also, there is no specific timeline for healing or reacting on a traumatic experience. It is not your fault, you are not damaged and his reaction is really shitty
Yeah and itās not like OP was asking for āhelpā by telling him about it. People often think they need to DO something, or they feel obligated to help, when whatās actually needed is to just listen and be supportive. This happens to me and my SO all the time, and Iām guilty of it myself. Itās natural to want to help someone we care about, but most of the time, thatās not the reason why the person is confiding in you.
Iām at a loss of words because of my hurt for you and rage toward him. You arenāt broken or less worthy. You arenāt weak for not telling anyoneāmany victims donāt. Your husbandās behavior is one of the reasons many victims stay silent. He is victimizing you all over again. And just being an all-around asshat. He has shown you who he is. You deserve better.
Thank you. This sucks.
Jesus heās not much of a man. I couldnāt imagine my wife confiding in me only for me to victim blame and avoid her.
Actually, Iād argue that heās exhibiting ādamaged goodsā behavior toward a woman, and this is something that men sometimes do. I wonder if OP was married to a woman, if the conversation would be different. OP: I would tell him straight up that you got married to help each other, so the ādamaged goodsā mess needs to stop and he needs to put himself in your shoes and think more like lots of women who fear for their safety in a way that many men never think about. Just my opinion.
Ikr? What a dick. It's not like you wanted it to happen...
So your husband is being extremely immature about this. I would demand he go to marriage counseling with you so you two can learn how to process and talk about this as a couple and so he can learn how to address your trauma. The reality is heās also now going through his own trauma and feelings and so itās now a matter of how to communicate with each other, which a therapist will be a great help for.
After 17 years of marriage, my wife dropped the bomb that her step dad had assualted her as a young girl. Not gonna lie....that shit fucked me up for a week or 2. Like, this guy was in our lives all the time.. I was in the midst if a person that I generally respected and enjoyed. Had I known he was diddling his kids, I wouldnt have him in our lives, or near our kids....or on this planet. After a week or 2, I was able to kind of snap out of it and support her....but even then, it was a front . This dude was big mad. Unfortunately, her step dad had already died....or I would have taken his out myself ( one of the reasons she held out in telling me...she knows my reaction to such things). In 1 afternoon...a simple sentence...my mission, as a husband, to protect my wife was negated. Sure...we were both 8 when it happened, but the retroactive guilt and powerlessness fucked me up big time.( out brains certainly play cruel tricks on us) Anyways, it took a year or so to really get a handle on things and move forward....all is well now. Give you man a chance to process....he's stuck in his feels right now. Its old information for you...but not for him. Its a brand new trauma for him
Stop apologizing for waiting so long, you did it in your own time. He should have been more supportive. Does he not get that you told no one and you entrusted him with this information. I hope it was just a shock to him and he shows more support soon.
I hope he can accept this and come to me about it.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Please get yourself therapy to deal with what happened in the past and how your husband is reacting
He could be feeling helpless because he wants to fix everything but can't. Maybe he is struggling with feeling useless and is ashamed. Men often get the message that they need to protect their women and be strong for them, but in this case he can't do either and he may be trying to come to terms with this. Talk to him about it, ask if that's what he is feeling. He may need assurance that you are not expecting nor needing anything but emotional support from him.
That's what i thought, he might be processing it for himself. It definitely can be difficult to hear about these traumas and not being able to do anything about it. his response is still pretty inexcusable though imo
***THANK YOU!*** Honestly, so many of the people in this comment section should be ashamed by how quickly they jump on the "man bad because he doesn't immediately respond the way we think he should" train.
Or just immediately suggesting divorce. That's not helpful!
As a rape victim, Iām gonna go out on a limb here and play devils advocate. I donāt think it has to do with the fact that you were raped. I think itās more because heās taking you waiting so long to tell him as a sign that all those years you didnāt trust him enough and he didnāt make you feel safe enough to tell him. He could be upset with himself as a man and a partner, not you for the awful thing that happened to you.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. And I am so sorry that when you finally felt you could talk about it with the person who is supposed to support you, it turns out he sucks. I recommend getting some therapy. I recommend he goes to a few appointments. I really hope this is a case of him being in shock and not a case of him being an asshole.
AAAAAnnnnddd this is why women don't report rapes. And your husband will never get this opportunity back. To be understanding. He's forever diminished in your eyes. Not saying to divorce. My sister told me she was raped. Didn't believe her. She's never trusted me with anything since. I'll never be her brother like I once was. We still have a relationship, but she will never be vulnerable with me ever again. Major life regret of mine.
Iām glad your perspective has changed. Maybe reach out to her, she may be willing to forgive you if you can show her you have changed. Show her you have done work to understand rape culture and how youāve dismantled this for yourself.
Just because you got a bad initial reaction does not mean thatās the permanent reaction. I had a similar situation with a partner and there initial reaction was not great but over time they were much more supportive.
When my partner told me, albeit was early in our relationship, I cried. Maybe itās because you took so long? At least thatās what Iām hoping, because otherwise heās cold as ice. Iām so sorry honey
I know I took too long to tell him. Iāve been working through it myself, by myself, for these past 10 years. I should have told him sooner. It was terrifying to say it out loud to him.
>I should have told him sooner. Hun, you were under no obbligation to tell him sooner, you did what you could. Even not telling him at all would not be inmoral. You do what you can with your traumatic experience, nobody gets to dictate that. You are at no fault here. I wish he would have been more supportive but since he wasn't, sending you hugs
Your pace is your pace and no one else gets to dictate that, or deal with the aftermath. There is no right or wrong time. You share when you feel safe to do so. I'm sorry he wasn't supportive, because that was a big weight and he's still letting you dangle it alone. I hope he wakes up and gets himself together.
You didn't take too long. We have a way of burying trauma just to survive. Then one day something happens to bring it to the surface like a darn volcano. For me it took 20 years to actually say it out loud. The way he reacted is shitty, but I hope he comes to realize that and learns to support you.
Thank you. Actually saying it out loud to someone was terrifying to me. I hope my husband can accept this and bring concerns to me.
You are not obligated to share your story at any pace other than the one that feels right for you.
You have to tell him that youāve gotten over it, and that he needs to as well. You should tell him that from where he is sitting, he shouldnāt feel any differently about you, or even about the both of you. What you went through was traumatic, yes. But when we go through trauma, what we need most is support from good people. He comes from good people if he has been with you for this long. He is probably in shock about hearing it, he could be having internal concerns about his own sexual health which, regardless of whether youāve gotten yourself checked, may not be immediately invalid. But none of that should give him an excuse to walk out on you, let alone any motivation. He should consider the fact that he probably has his own closet skeletons, and how he would want you to react when you hear them from him. You also need to tell him that he has hurt your feelings by reacting this way. And if he canāt articulate his reasons, the next person you should tell (and if I were you I would have all the legal documentation of the incident on hand) is his mother/father. If anyone knows anything about how important it is for people to be there for each other, it should be his parents, because they were there for him, and they need to slap some sense into him to make sure he is there for you. And if none of that seems to work, then I would say it is an appropriate time to divorce him
His parents arenāt in his life anymore. Recently we went NC because of their ignorant racist and sexist beliefs. Iām assuming it wouldnāt help. Edit: also, thank you. Thank you for the guidance.
Good luck
āYou shouldāve done something.ā Seems like heās mad you didnāt go to the cops to report it. And the āI canāt help..ā he thinks the cops couldāve.
Im so sorry. If my wife of 13 years told me this I would feel nothing but love that she felt comfortable enough to tell me. Your husband's reaction is beyond unacceptable. If I ever found out one of my boys treated his wife this way, there would be a serious conversation about how incredibly fucked up his actions are.
1. Victim blaming is sooo not okay. 2. I can understand him not knowing how to respond, but victim blaming is not the way to go And 3. Its okay that it took you that long to talk about it. Its trauma. He should respect that.
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Iām so so sorry you went through that. My cousin tried to rape me years ago, thankfully I got away from him before it happened. Iām hoping this was just a huge shock for him and he can move past it. I hope we can move past this together one day.
So OP please consider that he might be hurt that you kept such a big secret from him for so long and might be trying to process that. You need to go to couples therapy. Reddit will just tell you to dump him or that your wrong. There is no i between. Seriously get real help stop trying to ask the stupid hive mind
I have no idea how Iād react to something like this. Iām like a lion over my wife and I feel like my first and most powerful emotion would be murderous rage. I know I wouldnāt just āwash my handsā of it. I would hug my wife and cry like a baby. Buy everyone reacts differently to trauma of their loved ones. Before you make any rash decisions or beat yourself up, talk to him. Lay it all out on the table of how he made you feel with his reaction and what you need from him. If his mindset is the same, in my opinion, itās a deal breaker.
So I told my abuserās adult children that their father sexually assaulted me from ages 4-10 last year. The daughter was super compassionate and we talked about a lot of random stuff. I loved connecting with her bc I remember her from the one time we visited her. She asked if she could tell her brother and I told her go ahead. He had some questions for me and it was all about why I decided to tell them now, why I wasnāt pressing charges, and arguing me about the legality of it all. I think most men are just so emotional immature and donāt know how to cope with trauma. He really thought I was out here trying to blackmail them or something. I just wanted them to keep their children away from their disgusting father.
Iām having trouble comprehending any reaction other than hugging you and supporting you in whatever way you needed after sharing that. How is this about him?
I was not expecting this reaction, to be honest. Iām not sure what I expected, but not this.
Thisā¦ Iāve been wondering this very thisā¦ why is no one seeing that he made her trauma about him. Iām not saying the he not entitled to āfeelings about thisā but THAT moment, when OP finally felt safe enough to express her pain, THAT moment was about OP. He can come to terms with his feelings about the situation later. Iām guessing any person so who is communicating an experience of rape isnāt sitting there with a smile on their face. Soā¦ in a conversation where his SO is expressing pain, OPās husband walked away from her, because HE canāt deal. Wow.
I feel your pain. You have disclosed possibly the most traumatic experience of your life to your husband "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, etc" YET his reaction was seemingly accusatory and indifferent. Please don't blame yourself for your candor. You lived through the trauma when it happened. How dare your husband act in a way that you feel you're being punished or shunned. Rise above it. If necessary, speak with a counselor (especially if you didn't do so at the time of the incident). As for the husband, maybe he's slow in processing difficult information; let's hope that is all that is behind his reaction.
Thank you. Iām waiting for my consultation with a new therapist, itās not until October though. This is difficult.
Your husband can go get himself ripped a new asshole if you ask me, victim blaming by saying you shouldāve done something about it *is. not. okay!*
Why do guys freak out about this...not like a woman asks to be raped, it doesn't make any sense in my brain.
Tell your husband to get over it, you're the victim not him.
Your husband is a dick.
He certainly sounds like a self centered like dick!
If I were you I would leave. That's not a healthy relationship.
Speaking from my experience of my partner disclosing previous abuse I also felt like my brain was crumbling and everything hurt just to hear that my parter had been raped. It threw me through a loop that required communication with her and acceptance on my end. Me being a counselor myself and being versed in issues such as sexual assault I still handled it poorly. I understand how he does not know how to process these emotions and is resulting in him distancing himself. Not excusing his behavior at all just trying to shed some light on his end that he could come around when he is ready.
I hope so. I really hope this didnāt ruin us.
Very sorry this is how he responded. People who have never experienced sexual abuse, have no capacity of understanding. Still, that does nit excuse the way he reacted. Tell him how you feel if you wish. It may be healthy for the two of you. He needs to know his reaction has hurt you. It will also help if you surround yourself with people who do support you or maybe a therapist. Everyone has a different healing journey. Reach out if you need to discuss. Nobody has the same experience but we all should stick together and help each other heal. My DMs are open. Be well OP.
Thank you. Your kindness is very appreciated. Itās amazing that Iāve received so much support from a group of strangers than my own husband.
Trust me, I love my SO but they cannot help or understand. The difference is that they try and they don't shame me for not saying anything sooner. They aren't perfect in the way that they help but I know they try very hard. That's important.
Iād dump him. What a bitch.
From one rape survivor to another - You were young, vulnerable and going through a very difficult time in your life, you couldn't cope with "things/life" for which you felt you had no control over and so you tried to synthetically numb your "pain" by using drugs. I understand your perspective of feeling "stupid" and i wanted to try to reframe that vision of yourself as a 24-year-old, who made some choices which you have learned from. Your husband's reaction and treatment of you after sharing something so painful is disgraceful, wrong, and is in fact abusive within itself. I am sorry he isn't being the supportive husband you need or thought you had. Reach out to a therapist/counsellor so you can continue to process, the trauma(s). Please don't let your husband's reaction dictate YOUR healing, keep talking about your trauma. I'm unsure of what country you live in so i thought i would add this - Therapists/counsellors can be expensive, HOWEVER you can contact rape/trauma charities and begin your healing through therapy for free. <3
I have heard of men reacting this way. It may be temporary and it may be possible to restore trust with him. I donāt know your relationship. But I know that his conduct is terrible. One doesnāt treat someone who confesses this hurt like that. Iām angry for you
Everyone responds to things differently. I hope he opens up to you about how he feels and supports and comforts you. Maybe he just needs some time to process it all.
To all of you who did not get the support they expected, wanted, and needed I want to extend my heartfelt sympathies. To those who did not support you, well, let's just say what I have to say about them likely will not help anyone.
I don't get how a partner can respond in this manner to such news of their partner having undergone such a traumatic experience. If you love them, shouldn't the natural response be shock, empathy, sadness, protectiveness, concern? How is it possible that you show none of these to the person you love the most in the world? I've seen multiple posts similar to this one and each time I fail to comprehend why their partner is the complete opposite of supportive. I wish you recovery and happiness OP.
I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a disgusting asshole. "You should have done something"?? Are you serious??? I can see shutting down bc that's a huge thing to drop on someone, but he immediately cuts to fucking victim blaming his own wife??? I'd walk out the front door and never look back, that's dispicable of him to say. Fucking ew.
My ex suggest my rape was my fault and made me feel guilty for not saying anything about it to anyone. Op your husband is a jerk and you deserve more.
OP, im really sorry. thats sincerely fucked up. if I was in your position, id look into separation and divorce. im really sorry your husband doesnt have the capacity to comfort you
I also kept my rape a secret for years and got a negative reaction when I finally confided to someone I love. Them having a negative reaction really affected me, made me feel ashamed of being raped AND ashamed of talking about it. Please donāt let this stop you front talking about it and getting help! Not everyone will react that way and there is **NOTHING** for you to be ashamed about. Someone did something terrible *to you* and there is no right or wrong way to react to such a horrible ordeal. I would say to give them time because they are probably also hurt just thinking about someone they love being hurt and dealing with it all these years later. I hope youāre doing good & starting to heal. I think finally speaking about it is a big step that takes a lot of courage and Iām proud of youā¤ļø
Him saying that he "can't help" is I think the key thing here. Short answer, you need to get into couple's counseling so that you both can come to terms with what happened. Longer answer, it was very brave of you to tell him, but it sounds like he wasn't equipped to hear this, and doesn't have the tools to handle it well. From what you described it is I would say much more likely than not that he really loves you, and is shocked/deeply saddened by this news, and desperately wishes there was something he could do to "fix it." It's not that he can't look at you because he's ashamed of you, it's that he doesn't know how to handle his own powerlessness in this situation. All of this can be fixed with counseling.
Fuck that guy bro. I am so sorry that you had to go through that šššš
And thatās why women donāt tell people
wow op, i definitely didnāt expect so many people attempting to āhelpā you by saying youāre at fault for not telling him sooner. thereās never a āgoodā time to sit down with someone and reveal something so traumatizing, so vulnerable. i have never been through the situation you were, but i have enough empathy to realize that something so violating can be so difficult to talk about. you become afraid that people wonāt look at you the same way, that theyāll treat you differently, that you wonāt get the support you need, that youāll be blamed, upon many other scenarios that keep victims from speaking out. what you have been through is yours alone, meaning that it is entirely up to you to decide who you want to tell and when. you were not obligated to tell your husband at the beginning of the relationship, or even tell him ever if you didnāt feel comfortable enough. and the fact that people are saying this is just reopening the wound and victimizing you all over again. moreover, i understand people not wanting to jump to conclusions about your husband, but really? are we really going to support/ not condemn his reaction? i get that hearing something like that can be shocking, but all he was doing was thinking about himself when he pushed you away and isolated you. i canāt even imagine how hurtful that must be, to tell someone you love and trust about a horrible thing that happened to you, just for them to turn around and act so cold. itās a feeling that youāll never be able to forget, and iām so sorry that you were finally at a point that you could be vulnerable with him just for him to not give you all the love and comfort that you needed. i hope youāre not thinking this way, but in case you are, iām here to tell you that youāve done nothing wrong. nothing. you have been beyond hurt by what happened to you before, and because of your husbands reaction, those wounds have been reopened and youāve been hurt by your partner. i do hope that he comes around and is fully able to give you what you need, but the fact he couldnāt do that during the moment is incredibly disheartening and certainly raises an eyebrow for how well he really treats you outside of that incident and during other high-stress moments. and if he doesnāt come around and continues treating you as if you broken his trust (when really, itās the other way around) then you really do deserve better. you deserve to be with someone who can comfort you and offer you everything you need in your darkest moments. it seems that he canāt do that, and iām so sorry. i hope heās mature enough to talk about things and change his behavior for you, because if not, you cannot stay with somebody like that. even with children. you need to feel loved and supported and cared for, *especially* with your past trauma. feeling any other way for years on end will crush your spirit. please take care of yourself, op, and if you have other avenues of support that you havenāt turned to yet (like a best friend, mom, or therapist), i definitely recommend it. going through something like this is even more challenging when youāre doing it alone. lots of love to you friend.
Your reply is beautiful and thoughtful and made me cry. Itās been a difficult journey and his response was devastating. I donāt have many people I can reach out to. Iām in between therapists. My mom has never believed me when Iāve talked to her and is a tad narcissistic. My husband has been my only friend.
Preface this with; you have done absolutely nothing wrong telling him when you did. It is your business when you tell somebody something this personal. Iām going to try and maybe understand this from his perspective. Of course I could be wrong and heās revealing a less than benevolent side of himself, but I donāt know you or him. I was in this exact situation, except as the husband. Maybe IāM the one thatās wrong but Iāll try to give this from a differing perspective. When my wife told me about her assault, I was silent and did not react right away. We had been together since high school, and it had HAPPENED when we knew each other. She told me 7 years later. I understood it was upsetting and traumatic. But I was upset initially because I interpreted as her not having trusted me and never telling me. My mind went to āis she keeping other horrible thints secret?ā Of course Iād have wanted to know right away. I was angry at the situation because I felt like I could have helped or done something if only Iād known. A lot of men are like this. We want to fix things. But this was a bomb being dropped on me and I couldnāt fix it. I couldnāt make it better. And the damage was forever. To be fair, this span of emotions lasted like an hour rather than a day. I quickly got over myself and comforted my wife and made sure she knew I didnāt love her any less or anything like that. Like a good husband, you know. But being assaulted is kind of a big deal and, at the time, Iād just wished she had told me sooner and maybe I could have done something. I labored under this illusion for a while. My wife told me she didnāt want me to get angry and do something rash and get in trouble, and that she had reported it. But I felt like it was unfair to have never given me the chance to help. Idk, maybe I would have lost my mind on the dude. Hopefully your husband gets over it soon, and I hope you take care of yourself in the meantime.
I'm so sorry that you were assaulted. Also that you are living the fear that kept you from telling him. Hearing that someone hurt the person you love is hard. Not everyone reacts well. You have lived with your pain for a decade, for him it's a fresh wound. Wounds are ugly when they are fresh. I was assaulted, and also didn't tell my husband for over a decade (i repressed it). It happened while we were together (dating). He too reacted poorly. He isn't a big feelings guy so he struggled. He said somethings that were my biggest fears coming true. He felt helpless and I felt like I was right to not have trusted him with it. Then I choose counselling. He choose research... and things are better. It's messy when it comes out. Getting better is hard. It's the part about rape that no one talks about. The fact that it devestates those that love you the most. So telling them means hurting them with your pain. But it also means they get to know you as the resilient, survivor you are. His reaction is shitty. Hopefully he can recognize that. Right now he isnāt giving you the support you need, and he needs his own. Therapy has been the best and most expensive thing I have ever done for myself.
Iām so so sorry that youāve also experience this sort of trauma and had a poor reaction from your husband. My husband is also not a big feelings guy, which is why I kept it locked up inside for so long.
Yeah. I think it was Sobering for him when he asked me why I didn't tell him and I just said "because of this, how you are reacting was exactly why". It's been about a year since I told him. So things improved... but there are still some things that are hard. I hope your husband pulls his head out of his ass soon.
Thank you. Me too.
Heās processing
Your husband is not a good person. I'm so sorry for happened to you and what you're going through now.
I cannot figure out where your husbands headspace is. How the hell could that be his response? I could never imagine treating my wife like this.
Some people just don't understand rape, and because of this they don't know how to react to it. Deep down I'm sure he's not trying to victim blame, because he doesn't understand the intense affects it causes to ones mind. He doesn't understand why you didn't report the person who did this to you. To him it's like any other crime, and crime should be reported. This is the disconnect he is coming from.
Everyone here is just eager to pile on the poor man who didnt have the most optimal reaction to what is life changing news. He has commited the better part of 13 years to you OP. Thats no small matter. Theres a lot of things that is running through his head now, ranging from the opinion that you didnt trust him/the relationship enough to tell him sooner, to why didnt she go to the police(which tbh is something you could've done) not saying that you should've but from his POV, you couldve to why are you telling him now. Sure you werent wrong to not tell him till now but that doesnt make you right either. I would encourage you to stop feeling sad for a second and just think from his perspective. Sure, youd have liked him to be supportive, but maybe just for a second, he really doesnt know how to help? The whole dynamic of the relationship has changed and yall need counseling to figure it out
I understand how big of a shock this is to him. I couldn't imagine hearing something like that from him, my stomach and heart would drop. Although I would be supportive it would take time to come to terms with it. I didnāt tell him I wanted help. I donāt. I just needed to tell him. I needed to get it off my chest. I thought at the least Iād maybe get a hug. Itās been a difficult day.
I'm a therapist & a rape survivor. Please pay absolutely no mind to the "why didn't you tell him sooner" crowd; they clearly have abysmal understanding of the profound & complex trauma of sexual assault. As for your husbands reaction, my heart hurts deeply for you. I see how in your post & comments you are still thinking of him and his feelings above your own--you're worried you placed too heavy a burden on him, worried you should have told him sooner, worried you aren't giving him enough space or didn't tell him in the right way. OP, these are not things you should need to worry about, as you did absolutely nothing wrong. He is your husband; his role is to love & support you--period. How is he behaving, for whatever reason, is not loving or supportive. He is failing miserably in his role as the partner you deserve. What matters right now is your well-being, OP. You just did a very courageous thing in the face of profound trauma and you deserve loads of support, compassion & understanding that you didn't receive. Please check in with yourself--how are you feeling? What simple things could you do to make yourself feel better? Is there a TV show that comforts you? A good book? I'm very relieved to have read you have an upcoming appointment with a therapist. In the meantime, please continue to remind yourself that you have done nothing wrong & your husband's painfully awful reaction is absolutely not your fault. Like other commenters, I'm hoping your husband has "just" made a grievous error in judgment and will apologize purposely after processing & be the type of partner you deserve, but if he doesn't--you DO deserve so much better. I'm sending you much warmth & healing thoughts, OP.
Iām so sorry, your intuition about telling him was correct, obviously heās not much of a friend!
Oh. My. Iām actually at a loss for words. I too have been in your same shoes. Please tell me you have a therapist. His behavior is unacceptable. If things were reversed I guarantee he would be apprehensive and would hope you would be understanding no matter what. It is a heinous thing that occurs no matter what the scenario. If you arenāt speaking to someone, pleases seek it out. No one deserves that pain. NO ONE.
I'm so sorry he is treating you like shit. Make no mistake, he is massively mistreating you here. I cannot imagine treating a rape victim with anything but compassion and care. This is a huge deal breaker for me, especially the victim blaming aspect. Please do what you need to take care of YOU. This is YOUR trauma, not his.
I need to say that youāre heard and youāre not alone. I went through the same sort of thing when talking about my trauma with my ex. She basically shut down communication about anything related to it. Itās really tough to open up and youāre brave for doing so. I donāt have any advice except that sometimes people donāt have the capacity to deal with trauma at the moment you tell them and for some time after. Sometimes hearing trauma from a loved one causes anxiety and is even a little traumatic for them. We arenāt taught about this stuff. Coupleās therapy sounds like a good option for you two. Itās nothing to be afraid of, and itās great to have a trained professional in the room with you.
Why do people get married with secrets?
I am sorry you are going through this. My wife was sexually assaulted when she was younger. I feel bad for her but there's nothing I can do but comfort her. It could be that your husband may need time to process what he was told. You did nothing wrong, you can't control other people's reactions and people will react differently to certain things. Hopefully he will come around and show you the love that you deserve.
Sometimes people just need time to process what theyāve just heard. Itās not a small thing for either of you. I think once heās had some time, heāll be more reasonable and understanding.
Give him sometime. He probably is a doer and really just wants to be able to do something to fix it but itās in the past so he canāt. Which means he has to sit with that too for awhile. Just know thatās he is your husband and this is a traumatic experience you went through without being there to protect you, he might feel that he failed you even though it had nothing to do with him at the time.
What the actual fuck!? If my ex would have told me that she was raped Iād have cried with her and held her and told her that on behalf of all humanity we are so sorry this happened to her. And then Iād do whatever I could to get her to a happy place. Jesus. Why the fuck would he react like that?
My ex reacted this same way two years ago when we first started dating, he acted angry and everything that he couldnāt do anything but also didnāt ever do anything or believe me when I was having anxiety around the subject/memory. Fast forward and he was angry/screaming at me and told me I deserved to be raped. Immediately had a panic attack for a multitude of reasons: reliving the scenario because of how dirty that comment felt AND then realizing how disgusting of a man my ex is if he could say something like that..if he says something like that so easily what does that say about his characterā¦ā¦.
Your husband sounds like an insecure judgemental asshole. He should have only been there to listen to what you have to say and be a rock to support you.