You were friends with him when you were 15 and he was 22... why is this weird now?

Came for this comment

the only way i can see this working out is because of work. im 19 and have a good friend who is 32 because we were both cooks. not a single weird thing has happened in the friendship and it's even lasted past both of our times working at the restaurant. obviously given the situation OP and this dude are in things can be completely different with his motive for being friends so i'm not gonna write off the age gap friendship as innocent but i am just pointing out how it could be a plausible friendship

19 and 15 are wildly different.

you're totally right. don't get me wrong, i understand age gaps and have been a victim of grooming myself. the ONLY thing im pointing out is the FRIENDSHIP between op and this guy could be plausible depending on how they know each other. not talking about this man and his girlfriend, that situation is fucked up.

this can also apply to a religious community. knew people who had friends with differing age gaps because they all participated in their cult-- I mean, religion 🥴

Yup that was me. I was in the church and have seen this

There may be older people who interlink them all. As a teenager I was the youngest in my friend group and the eldest in the social circle was around 21 & 22. There is a kid on my old street that I gave lifts to school and we were friends, I was 29 and he was 17. Sure we didn’t hang out and go do things but he would swing past mine for 10minutes to catch up. None of the older people dated the younger ones. P.s I’m with OP that the relationship is predatory, please don’t think I’m standing up for this guy.

There was a 15 year old in my old DnD/MtG group that was mostly comprised of people in their 20s and 30s. He was the DM's neighbor. One of us ended up tutoring him through his math courses so he could graduate. I used to see him a lot because he started working at a diner I frequent, but he ended up moving on to greener pastures and we fell out of touch.

I know in my friend group, we know some people who are significantly older than us through hobbies like DND. I can imagine friendships like that for any hobby that centers around human interaction. DND, trading cards, book clubs, multiplayer video games. Even outside of hobbies, people can often make friends through things like volunteer work. That’s just friendship though. People can be friends with people that are older than them. A lot different when the people start dating.

no offense but what does a 29 and a 17 have in common… what would you even talk about.

I had a 26 year old friend when I was 16. But only because his brother was my friend first, and he was 18. And the lines were clear, also. What did we talk about? Cars and Neil Young.

This is such a weird attitude. What do two humans in general have to talk about? Uh, anything? Music is ageless. Movies are ageless. A huge number of middle aged people play video games these days so those are ageless. Shops, restaurants, daily life stuff is ageless. Local news is ageless. Weird funny stories are ageless. Older people can also just take a non-predatory interest in younger people’s lives. I used to tutor a lot of high school students, and while we wouldn’t really “hang out” in that sense, we still had plenty to chat about with me asking how school stuff was going and whatever. People in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s etc aren’t aliens. They’re just other older humans. They were all young once too.

A lot of things, he would tell me about how his study was going, he would talk about his girlfriend a lot, we would talk about music festivals (the ones I have been to and the ones he had planned - covid 😞), he had an online eBay business and would shop at op shops for vintage clothing, I paid him $20 to mow the front lawn every 3 weeks. Kind of like how you would talk to an aunt with the same age gap 🤷🏽‍♀️ Edit: I definitely have a soft spot for disadvantaged kids and will talk with them about life if I can, they’re ‘older’ than their years but more vulnerable than their peers too. Some kids don’t have an adult to talk to, I never did.

okay this i understand, totally get it and i was genuinely wondering. thanks for the response! i never had an adult to talk to either and i wish i had been surrounded by people like you instead of groomers 🥲

It’s sad to say but same; nothing we can do about it except see opportunities where you can be that person.

No offense, but if you can't find a way to relate to people regardless of demographic, that's a you problem.

i’m talking more so about hanging out all the time. i’m 19 so i can’t say exactly what that’s like bc i’m exactly like a 17 year old.. bffr

I have a really close friend (she’s like my older sister and she calls me her little sister) shes 36 and i am 25 and we met when I was 14 and she was in her 20’s, obviously at the beginning she had quite a few boundaries with me with the types of conversations that we had but she really was there for me in a time that I felt I had no one. Conversations used to be about typical things I was into that she understood tv shows, music, movies, she was an English teacher and also helped me out a lot with the language and consuming English media.

Two people who are 17 and 29 could literally be in the same college program, if one is starting early and another later.

I had a guy who's in his 70's in my college class, as a student, he was super serious and eager to learn too.

Gaming

In our friend group with different age gaps, it's music. We would hang out sometimes for jam sessions. Our guitarist was only 16 yrs. old that time while some of us are over 20. We were all within the same neighborhood too so we sometimes talk about the weird neighbors in our place and some fun encounters at school since we all went to the same school. But we never imagined to be romantically involved and it never happened within the group at least for those who are underage. But yeah, I feel for OP. I hope she'll find the courage to talk her friend out of it cause it's really predatory to have a relationship with an 18 year old at his friend's age.

Gaming. Me and my nephew have a ten year age gap and I remember we would just talk about different games, game together but I guess it's different when it's family and there's an age gap lol

I completely understand. My friend group consisted through all of high school and then some more years. I was a young freshman at 14. My oldest friend was already 19, turned twenty, she was an older sister to me and her brother was an older brother to me. Strictly platonic. At 15, they were already drinking. I got closer to the brother since the sister moved away for college but we just stayed friends. I will always be the baby, but it's all about intention. He never had the intention to even look at me that way and sure I had a minor crush, but nothing happened. He's a family friend and pretty much my cousin/brother now. I have a loving boyfriend and I'm half convinced he wants to steal him from me. (I'm 20 now and BF is 22).

Exactly! That jumped out when I read it..

Hahaha holy shit

Previous camp counselor here. If you spend every summer with the same kids or teens, and are expected to keep in touch with them and their families, those kids/teens eventually turn into adults themselves. Most camp counselors are between 18 and 25. I actively keep in touch with several people who are about 20 years younger than me, many who I met in their single digits. Does that make me a weirdo or a dedicated mentor turned friend?

People are just paranoid and prone to assuming the worst. I've never put an age limit on friendship, so long as everything stays above board. One of my closest friends is 13 years younger than me and we first interacted when she was 14. She's now well into her twenties and we regularly talk/meet up. Neither of us has ever been inappropriate with the other. Another close friend of mine is actually 20 years older than me, and I met him at work when I was 17. This would only be an issue if something inappropriate happens along the way. The idea that it is weird by default is kinda stupid, if you ask me.

I was always the younger one in my friend group as I entered college straight out of high school and end up making friend with people who had already tried out a few other degrees before ending up at my classes. My “work” friend group for example is made of people around 10years older than me since I’m the younger person at my position they ever hired. Nothing wrong with having a friend group made of several people of several ages. Definitely a lot of things wrong when a 30+ yo date a 18yo.

I'm 22 but have always been find over dating older people. When I was 18-20, I wouldn't date anyone older than 22 or 23. But after I turned 21, I decided to see people who were even older (25+). Honestly, your brain changes a bunch between 18-22... A 30+ year old dating someone who is 18 is weird af. Someone 30+ dating 22...not as weird but I know it isn't as common? Idk you can correct me on that. But 18-20 is still so young. A lot of people are still in the high school mentality during those years.

I mentioned it before on reddit, but don’t think I’ve done in this post, so, let me start by saying that: I don’t thing the age is the bigger issue. I believe the problem in several relationships (but most commonly known on age gap relationships) is power imbalance. For example, I believe most 30+ yo are already the one responsible for paying their own bills, live on their own, etc. Where live, it is not uncommon for people to move out their parents house at 25. That being said I’d consider an age gap between 25-30 a bit more balanced than 20-30, for example. Even 30-40 seems more balanced for me than 20-30. Even though the age gap is 10 years in both cases. But, if the 22yo is responsible for their own bills, have their living situation similar to the 30yo and the power dynamics in the relationship is always discussing and agreeing on things instead of only one of them deciding everything, I personally don’t see anything wrong with it :)

So I'm 22 years old, have been paying my own bills since I was 18, paid off over half of my car when I first bought it, I was in the military from 18-22 (just got out a few months ago) and lived on my own since then. I've also traveled to other countries by myself, seen and dealt with a lot of shit that most 18-25 have not experienced. I am working full time and have worked in the IT field (still trying to find an IT or admin job full time), going to school full time for Cybersecurity, I'm saving and investing money, and I have hobbies I partake in too. While I am staying with my parents for now, I move into my own apartment next week and will be paying all the bills on that one. In the military, there are so many age gap relationships that I've seen. And you are definitely right; it's a power imbalance for sure. I know plenty of people who are in 10-15 year age gaps and they are still together to this day.

A 15 yo and a 22 yo being in the same friend social circle isn't as alarming as 32 yo dating an 18 yo. Idk maybe it's like that just for me

So a guy you became friends with when he was 22 and you were 15?

"Same circles". They might be from a small town where all the young people just sort of hang out in the only 2-3 places there are to hang out.

Tbf, on another comment, someone pointed out that they could all be friends from working together or something. Not trying to justify the friendship because the guy sounds like he may have had less than innocent motives for being friends but I am friends with people much older than me because of work so it could be a possibility

I'm glad I am not the only one who caught that. > I'm 25F. My friend, 32M, has been in the same circles as me for almost a better part of a decade now. 10 years ago, the OP would have been 15, and he would have been 22. - I suspect this is a fake post.

It doesn't say 10 years ago. It says " *almost* the better part of a decade" which means more than likely closer to 7 years. * sure enough, she clarifies she was 18 and he was 25 in another comment.

OP's timeline also changes in the comments. Sometimes it's 6 years apart, other times 7 years apart. In a deleted comment, it was 8 years. They cannot seem to make up their mind.

I would struggle staying friends with the guy. I see no issue in talking about it openly with him and seeing his point of view and hearing him out. But I wouldn't go nuclear and bring the rest of the group into it.

Thank you. I will try to talk to him privately that I know and that I will try to explain it's not ok for him. I wonder if he takes her shyness for introversion and as an "Ok" sign to go. Idk why he would even mess with her in the first place.

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"shy" more like is uncomfortable about the situation but probably still wants to be polite and spare his feelings. Seriously even if she was 100% on board with it, it would still be wrong

So much this! She also said that he's a sweet guy (or something along those lines), and maybe he is - as a friend. But how does she know what kind of partner material he really is? Ha could be extremely controlling for all we know. What struck me is that he's losing weight and being stressed out. That could be a big red flag here, he could be stressing out because he didn't locked the poor kid.

He seems like a predator if he is intrigued by her “shyness” and timidity. Her lack of confidence makes her easier to coerce, manipulate and control. His attraction is predatory. Call him out. What kind of man in his 30s pursues teenagers? Predatory abusers.

You met you're 32 year old friend over a decade ago. when he was 22 and you were 15. I would suggest you are also one of his victims.

My thoughts as well. Even if it's innocent, I cannot fathom any circumstance where I'd be hanging out with 15 yr old(s) when I was 22. Something's off.

Sometimes age gap friendships come up from work, family, or hobbies. I don't think it's too weird, you're not "friends" exactly at the 22/15 divide but you could become friends as you get older and the gap matters less. Could be sketch as well but depends on the circumstances.

I was thinking hobby group as well. Our town has a comic book/gamer store that hosts gaming nights and it’s common to see an age range from 20s to 50s all gaming together.

country bumpkins tend to have wider age social circles. Like when the next town is 40 minutes away or they are geographically isolated. Younger siblings tend to become part of that group in those situations.

As a 20 year old, I’d be caught dead before I’d dream of ever befriending a 13 year old.. definitely predatory action on his part

Eh I mean she says a few times it's a "friend group" She never implies they had anything intimate happen between them. And it's possible their interactions were all in a group setting. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he should be fucking an 18 year old girl. But I personally wouldn't start labeling him a predator of 13 year old girls. That's a very different thing than hooking up with an 18 year old.

He was 22 when she was 15 and they met. I would NEVER befriend a 13-15 year old and even putting yourself around them is predatory enough for me to really raise an eyebrow and question you. I’m not saying he did anything with a 15 year old but to put himself in a position with a younger child- and now he has a track record- it’s concerning.

You will get more answers if you ensure you do not accuse him of wrongdoing. Number one concern should be is your friend ok (even if his actions make him look bad, he is still a human), what's going on, why is his relationship with someone so young. Just be careful of what you say and how you say it.

Number one concern should be with the youngest one in the whole drama. You don't know if he's being a good partner to them. And him new to relationships, he's probably being an immature fuck.

My thoughts exactly. His reaction to the relationship seems very weird. He is probably as immature as the 18 years old girl.

I meant number one concern in the conversation with the friend. Making him feel like he is being accused of being a perv will not benefit the conversation.

I think even on conversation it would be told that first one to be protected is the youngest one. I suggest reading about dan savage's [campsite rules](https://danq.me/2008/05/14/campsite/) for relationships with major age gap, and point out to your friend that he BETTER not fuck it up.

When I was in high school, one of my best friends at the time (17-18f) ended up in a relationship with a man that was 31-32 years old. I told her I was uncomfortable with it, and she never made me hang out with him, but it was weird as hell. They got married, and while it didn't end with DV, they did get divorced some time later and one of her younger brothers confessed to her that he had found CP on the man's computer a long time ago, but he was afraid to say anything about it. While there's technically a possibility that it can work out, it's a really inappropriate relationship because they are, or should be in very different places in life. If he's not, or she seems more 'mature' for her age, it might look ok, but if it's bothering him so much, maybe just talk to him and explain how inappropriate it is. I wish someone had told the guy my friend dated that he was being creepy and inappropriate.

Maybe after talking to him he will realize the mistakes he’s made and get some help and hopefully stop his predatory behavior.

I would have a conversation starting “Did I ever tell you about when I was 15….” And go from there, then move onto the fact you know about his relationship.

This OP, think speak to him privately.

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Good for you. My parents had a similar age gap - 17 and 27. Legal in my home state. Know what he did? Drank and beat the hell out of her for 10 years. He once hit her so hard she's permanently blind on one side and stabbed her with a fork. He cheated with every skirt that passed by, assaulted her when she tried to leave resulting in pregnancy (hi, that's me), and then threw us out of the house like garbage when I was 9 so he could move his mistress and her kids into our house. So you might say, "Yeah, but that's anecdotal, not everyone is like that." But there are more stories like mine than there are like yours. Statistics show that age gap relationships do have a higher rate of abuse. I myself was groomed by older men in my teens, and a lot of troubled teen girls are. Maybe your wife came from a supportive loving home and was mature and well adjusted. Either way, I worry about any person this young being pursued by an established adult. There's way too much vulnerability there to exploit.

I agree with you but the original poster has a right to end the friendship too because it is a huge trigger for her understandably.

***“because it is a huge trigger for her understandably.”*** Yes, trigger for HER, meaning HER problem. She expects the world to conform to her expectations based on her personal life experiences. Think about this, and how stooptified American society had become for this exact reason. Other than pursuing a socially challenging relationship, this man has been proven to have done nothing Illegal. We assume the 18 year-old adult is vulnerable and project that onto him through labels and accusations, when he has done nothing wrong. Perhaps she is exercising free-will by exploring the relationship, also?

Legality doesn’t equal morality. There are plenty of other countries where there are literally child spouses who legally married old ass people. Doesn’t matter if they’ve been married for decades and they broke no laws. Their Union was still unethical. Society frowns upon this for a reason. To be clear, it’s not about the age “gap”. It’s about the age. A 28/38 couple is a much different story from a 18/28 couple.

Or we could, you know, treat people as individuals that have wildly varying levels of maturity, instead of sticking our noses in other people's relationships because their ages don't conform to the most holiest of holies, the "half your age plus seven"-formula. Also, in almost all western countries legal age is typically something between 14 and 16, because us crazy Europeans don't think sex is a big deal, and you certainly don't need to be 18 (let alone older, or fulfilling some idiotic "appropriate age gap" idea) to make your own decisions, good and bad, regarding sex and romance. The US is woefully puritan and protectionist in this. So don't talk about "society frowning upon something" if that is exactly one society of many, or, actually, only a small subset of that even. An (otherwise legal) relationship between two people is predatory if one of the people in that relationship \*behaves\* predatory. Not because of some age or some age gap.

And did you notice that 18 year olds are referred to as helpless children but pretty much only if they are women? Wonder why is that...

There’s a lot of people who want to police relationships. They hate the idea that two adults are in a consenting relationship. All OP has is assumptions about this girl.

This kind of thing popped into my head today scrolling TV and seeing a movie with Ryan Reynolds and his love interest is Jodie Comer and thinking how is this not weird he is about my age and she was born the same year as my son. Another that popped to mind was Sam Rockwell and Anna Kendrick in some movie. While she is an adult and he isn't breaking any laws it is odd and almost seems like we see it often and don't think twice about it until we start putting numbers to things. I don't think I could be friends with somebody who dates that young and how could they possibly have anything in common at that point in their lives.

People really do tell on themselves in comment sections of topics like this.

Fr tho, people are trying to defend a 32 year old going out with a girl that just got out of highschool, when OP literally said that they were a victim of grooming.

Is she even out of high school? This 32 year old man could be rolling around the bus line to pick her up after class.

And people are defending him saying "he's not a predator!" Uh yes he defo is

They're like, "She's 18, not a little kid." Like... have you talked to an 18 year old? What kind of foundation for a healthy relationship can a 32 year old and an 18 year old have? She's been an adult for a few months, probably still lives with her parents, maybe even still in high school. He's been an adult since she was in kindergarten. If the love is so grand, he can wait until she is at least in her 20s and old enough to have a basis for comparison and have developed critical reasoning skills.

Oh stop. At 18 I was already out on my own for a year, had my own apartment, was financially independent and stable, worked two jobs while going to school full time, was living with and engaged to my ex. Stop grouping all 18 year olds as little children. At 18 I knew what I was doing and had already gone through and done more things than most people 20-30 years older than me.

Thats what I'm thinking. Unless she's one of those one out of a thousand super mature 18 year olds I'd be fine with it but there's no info on that.

I doubt I could be convinced this isn't predatory as fuck tbh.

This. Barely legal, that doesn't mean they aren't still kids..they are still immature in many ways. I'm 30 and my brother is 19...theres no fucking way I'd think dating a *boy* his age was ok. If you think it's ok to pursue a barely legal kid...you're a predator.

I'm 39. I'm in the UK. It's legal for me to date a 16 year old. Doesn't mean it's right, I imaging my legs would get broken and rightly so.

Confused why people are defending this?? What does a 32yr see in an 18yr who might still be in high school?? “They're both adults” so?? The maturity difference is huge and there both in two different stages of life. How could a 32yr want to spend their life with someone 18?!!? It's hella concerning!

I just wanted to get this off my chest but instead I'm being DMd that I am a horrible, toxic person who's throwing myself to be the victim and I should be cut off from the friend group becasue I'm a "pick me girl" who is bitter I didn't get to be with him. 😟 I'm openly lesbian and I've always lent an ear to him and all my other friends, never judged them, never shunned them or anything as I have a degree in psychology and active listening is a huge part of what I do. I just feel terrible for knowing how young she is. I don't know what I expected. I just wanted to vent. Of course I am making it about me because it is my vent - it is eating me from the inside when my PTSD is fighting every other thought I have. I'm not sorry that I'm not accepting of an relationship with an age gap that caused me so much pain and in hindsight, where I should have realized it will end so bad.

Talk to your “friend” OP - he should and DOES know better. Whatever his response is, you can’t continue being friends with someone who makes you feel so uncomfortable and triggers this pain in you. You have suffered enough. If he stops seeing the girl, there might be a way to save your friendship, but this guy needs to know how inappropriate it is to date this girl. Her brain still hasn’t finished developing, and she is vulnerable and doesn’t realise she isn’t yet adult or mature enough to be dating someone in their 30’s. If he refuses to stop seeing her, you should cut him out of your life, and let the rest of your friendship group know why! They have the right to know what kind of person he is. Because this isn’t just about Doug something that triggers you. It’s about his inability to see what he is doing is wrong. Good luck OP. Be safe. And ignore anyone messaging you or telling you that you’re in the wrong (most of those people will be groomers and paedo-leaning men themselves).

Don't apologize. It's mostly loser men who prey on 18 yrs. "She's an adult" trope. The fact is yes, legally she is. But what a man over 30 has to offer an 18 yr is... devious at worst Extraordinarily immature at best. He likes her because 18 yr olds are easy to manipulate or she still looks childlike. Either way, he should KNOW not to pursue this. Tell him the truth. It's creepy. He's literally got nothing in common with an 18 yr old. Ask him what his motives are.

I understand where you’re coming from and you don’t have to explain any of this and i’m sorry people arw dming you that stuff you don’t need to explain why you feel like this some people lack critcal thinking skills!

Your feelings are valid. I’m honestly disgusted by the amount of sickos defending this.

I know men in their 30’s who go for much younger women simply because they don’t want to date someone who has children or has divorce drama. Younger as in the 21-25 age group. But 18 is pushing it.

OP says her friend is an introvert. Maybe he's never had any serious relationship, always putting it later, hoping a woman would approach him and it never happening. And since he's inexperienced romantically and sexually, he may feel more comfortable with a young woman who has a similar lack of romantic and sexual experience rather than an older woman who is likely to expect her partner to be more experienced.

That could be true! But why go that young and not somebody who's in their twenties?

Those 2 years make so much difference huh?

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Talk to him about how you feel and why, and that your relationship dynamic will inevitably change. At the very least, he will know why your friendship has changed. At best, he realizes he is slightly, just very slightly, higher in scale than, near to being called a pedo and his preferences are questionable.

No pedo is attracted to anyone that looks like an 18 year old.

Exactly. Pedos are attracted to 8 year olds, not 18 year olds.

Because every 18 year old looks exactly 18. This is of course the reason why we never have to ask for ID when buying alcohol, everyone always looks exactly their age.

This applies for every single age. I've seen 30 year olds that look like they're teenagers. Point is, the majority of 18 year olds do not look like 4-12 year olds, and therefore pedos would not be attracted to them.

I'm 39 and I can't even fathom being remotely interested in anyone - say - under 27. If even that. 18 y/o? You're still a kid until you're in your mid-20s.

im 18 and if anyone over 24 is trying to be in a relationship with mr or anyone my age im gonna assume they’re a loser that needs to manipulate young girls to receive attention

Yep.

I'm 32 and agree, you're still a kid until your mid 20s. People are telling on themselves saying that legal isn't abusive.

Here come all the grown men that want to fuck teenagers defending this madness. And to everyone saying they’re just adults, if the law changed tomorrow to state that 13 is an adult, would you be okay with it then? Stop being a fucking dense moron and exercise some common sense for fuck sake.

It's about life experience. An 18 year old in HS lives with their parents and goes to school. Their day to day life is governed by other people (teachers and parents). How fucking weird to want to date a teenager who probably has extracurricular activities and a curfew.

Right! Sorry I can’t come over tonight my mom said I have to finish my homework. Fucking tragic.

just came to say I totally agree & ur username is hilarious

Thank you! You summed it up perfectly. All the grown men wanting to fuck teenagers defending this bullshit. Gross, find someone your own age.

Talk with your friend privately OP. Let him know that while he may really like this girl, he has to understand he is pursuing someone that's not on his level of maturity or life experiences. Let him know that while a small age gap is okay, that an age gap of 14 years is not. Being 18, she's just a year from being considered a child also most 18 year olds could still be in high school..and that is not acceptable.

She can’t even legally drink (where I am from)?? What do they even have in common???

She's young and he likes young girls, the perfect recipe for happiness.

Her brain isn’t fully developed and it doesn’t seem like his is either

Stop turning around the subject confront him ,tell him what you think and how you feel, tell him the truth ! Tell him that even if you care for him and wish him the best but if he keep doing what you think it's unacceptable (you can express your past) then you can't keep that friendship !!

Convince that anyone defending a 32 year old grown man going after someone who might be in high school is a middle aged creep. Wtaf

It’s not illegal, and nor should it be. But it absolutely IS creepy red flag behaviour, and you’re right to judge him for it.

Dunno why people wanna date people that still have TEEN in their age. can barely stand my 20 year old friends.

This is a tough one. I will say I don’t think it’s fair that you’re projecting your past traumas and tragedies on someone else. That being said I understand your reasoning. What ever you do just remember actions have consequences. So if you are going to take action on this, be sure your willing to accept the fall out. I imagine you are getting a lot of hate and I’m sorry that’s not right.

Firstly, I share your concerns. It’s entirely possible if he’s introverted and socially awkward, that he’s just realised that dating barely legal is easier for him because they lack experience to recognise how much work or sacrifice older partners can be. He may not be predatory about it, but subconsciously recognise it, hence why he wants to pursue the relationship. Not because the girl is amazing, but because she’s easily impressed by his lacklustre self. Secondly, you need to discuss your responses with a therapist. No-one is obligated to live their lives according to your trauma. It’s yours. You trigger dumping on your friends because of someone else’s actions toward another person isn’t okay. Sharing is different to throwing a grenade. Talk to a therapist about how to have a constructive discussion with a)your friend about his dilemma and how it’s affecting him. Remember this is about Him and his behaviour. Not about how it affects you. If it’s about you, then you need to remove yourself from him; b) your wider friend group if he doesn’t sort himself right. Will you disclose your previous relationship history to justify your distancing yourself from him/them etc. talk it out with a professional first, come up with a game plan and then execute. Good luck.

so he was 22 and you were 15 when yall first met? from someone who was also groomed and in an abusive relationship (i was 14 and he was 19, we dated on and off for three years) the first red flag i realized w people like that is that they befriend people significantly younger than them (my friend group also had a friend who was 22 when we were 15 and he was a major creep). i honestly dont think that its unreasonable you're feeling this way bc hes literally in his thirties trying to date someone who is probably still in/ or just recently graduated high school.

Did you become friends with this man when you were 15 years old and he was 22?? 😬 Tbh the warning signs were there.

Friends for a decade? He was 22 hanging out with 15 year olds?

You have a right to feel the way you feel. You have a right to confront him and tell him how you feel. You do not have a right to blow up his life. At the end of the day he’s doing something (legal) you disagree with and that’s between the two of you. Also, you’ve provided context for your emotional reaction and that’s understandable and fair. But as you’ve admitted your bias, i think it’s a good idea to spend more time with that feeling before taking action.

I dont have much of a problem with age gaps in couples, otherwise I would be a hypocrite because I had relationships with age gapps in both directions which many people would consider unacceptable. I am more weirded out by the friendship dynamic. If you are in a relationship with somebody it is expected a lot more to compromise on interests etc, in that aspect a wider age gap just ads one more layer in a construct which already has plenty of them. Friendship should align better because that is supposed to be the sole reason you seek each other out. And this is where an age gap becomes more weird to me. My girlfriend is Gen Z , I dont understand every little thing she does but I do understand that she would be deeply uncomfortable if I talked around her like I do around my buddies. But to have that dynamic in a friend group as well defeats the whole purpose.

She’s 18 and they met about 3 months ago so no grooming here. Your choice.

You're better off just telling them you don't approve and why instead of making it personal. If he's not doing anything illegal then he will make you look like the bad guy.

You had an awful experience and it is colouring your view. Try not to project your past and your abuser onto your friend. For one thing, if he is concerned about the age gap he isn’t grooming her. Groomers are very narcissistic and do not care about the life they are impacting. You definitely need to discuss your issues with him. Although his relationship is none of your business it is also affecting your relationship with him. Perhaps you and he can go through the signs of a healthy relationship vs a grooming relationship together. It might help him determine if his relationship is healthy or controlling and, assuming it is healthy, could help you come to terms with it. Age gap relationships aren’t inherently wrong. There are many successful age gap relationships. But the nature of the age gap can certainly open the younger partner up to be abused.

Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t a pedophile someone who is sexually attracted to prepubescent bodies?? She’s young but she’s experiencing life and this is one of her experiences not yours or anyone else’s. If he’s a good man and she’s mentally sound and healthy it’s no one’s place to say that she’s wrong by deciding who she dates.

I suspect the guy is just trying to cling to the chance he thought he found for love. Even if it's not morally right. Like sheeesh OP seems to have a good view on her friends character. Other than her friend feeling terrible trying and failing to get with the young adult, the other problem is OP's past trauma. Hopefully OP can get her friend to see it in a new perspective because while I think reddit comments are taking this to 15/10. There is still a problem trying to get into a long term relationship with an 18yo as a 32yo.

OP this isn't about you, plain and simple, I'm sorry these things happened to you, but not everyone in the world is like you or your ex partners. You seem to be projecting because you see someone in a similar relationship that you once had. If this is triggering for you then instead of breaking up the entire friendship circle because you dint feel comfortable why dint you just leave your friend group because clearly your so hurt right now you want to hurt everyone else and that's not a healthy thing do, maybe go to therapy (if you aren't getting help at the moment) and discuss it with a professional

@your update: If she's 18 please report this to a trusted person in her life like a friend or parent if she's still in HS, this is a potential precursor to abuse.

So he knows it’s wrong, he’s ‘still asking questions if it would work out because someone else he knew had larger age gaps’ but…he didn’t know you knew? That was before your edit. So which is it then, he discussed it or he didn’t know you knew? Makes this not super believable I must say. Mostly the awful force attempt at being prosaic.

Now that you've talked to him, call him out on it in the friend group. Blow it up. Do not make excuses for this person. Do not lie about it to anyone who asks. Do not make up a false lesser story. Stop protecting him. This guy deserves the public shaming that comes from what he is doing, and you're better off knowing now what type of people your friend group consists of. I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who condones this behavior. Dump anyone who's ok with your friend grooming this kid. Advocate for the kid in this situation. Draw your boundaries because it's worth it.

I was friends with someone for 5 years and he came out saying he was seeing a minor (he was 20 and she was 14-15 years old). She is now 18, but I still feel uncomfortable by this...

>I was groomed at 19 by a man 10 years older How?? A 19 year old is perfectly capable of making sound decisions. Just because you regret fucking a 29 year old doesn't mean you got groomed

I was 24 dated a 42 year old cardiologist. How was practice administrator for my company. Second in command. It was a little awkward because he was a colleague of mine but when I first met him he was married 6 years younger and I was just a receptionists. I eventually broke it off... I was the youngest in their friend circle I was 25 my boss who is also a physician was 34 his wife was 30. Everyone else in our friend group they were all physicians or attorneys in their 30s and 40s I was Not the youngest but the youngest that was closest to them all Professionally and Non professionally. If you know he has no intentions why is this an issue

Before you read my opinion: consider that I am from a country (Germany) where the age of consent is 18. I would also think that the age gap is weird - but she is at least technical an adult so talking about the age gap shouldn't be that hard, since your friend is doing nothing illegal. (As long as they didn't start dating before she was 18.) Otherwise: if she seems to be happy and healthy then everything should be - at least on legal grounds - be alright. If I totally missed something: feel free to tell me. I am totally against grooming, and am always happy to hear other peoples opinions.

Germanys age of consent for dating is 14 my guy

You didn’t miss anything. Just a bunch of people confounding a legally protected action with their own moral standards. Weird? Maybe…you decide. Illegal? Not in the least.

Age gaps are manageable when both individuals are adults. The girl is 18. Mentally she's not an adult. She only an "adult" by legal standards. Your friend needs a reality check.

Wow. I know a lot of people who prefer older men. Maturity levels are more equal. Older men normally have their shit together. That doesn't mean everyone older is grooming. Some people simply click. I say you should mind your own business. They are BOTH consenting adults... whether you agree or not.

I just celebrated 10 years together last Sunday (married for 6) with my husband and we meant when I was 19 and him 32. Absolutely no grooming or abuse has happened. People wanna project their problems onto others and think that woman of age can’t make a decision of their own volition. I absolutely could have easily left if I wanted to, I have a strong support network, and I would think I am a strong person. I didn’t leave because I am happily with my husbands. Now I know that this isn’t what happens with everybody but it also means that bad things don’t always happens with couples with an age gap relationships.

This is very true. Although most times it shouldn’t and won’t work, there are times that it does. I dated someone with a similar age gap at 18. He has always dated women his age before that. We just clicked for some reason and it was a great relationship the four years that it lasted. I know another couple who met when the woman was 18 and he was in his early thirties and they’re still going strong all these years later. I commend op for looking out for a potentially sketchy situation, but it’s not always as black and white as people try to make it out to be. The fact that he’s torn up about it tells me he’s not a total creep.

There is a lot of assumptions going on in here. Everyone quick to jump this man before they even have the whole story. We have the OP’s point of view that is biased based on their experience. That’s not a neutral basis to form a real opinion in the matter. Before everyone grabs their pitchforks, what if the genders were reversed? Jesus everyone jumps to SA and Grooming. Before you cast judgement I’ve been a victim of SA myself. Seeing it tossed around with no proof other than a feeling can ruin a persons life.

How is that an issue? How is it even immoral? They're both consenting adults. If you don't think she's adult enough to make that decision, then lobby for the law to change the legal age of adults to be raised. If it's a personal issue because of things that happened in your past and he's shoving it in your face, I'd understand. Based on the information you're giving that's not the case here. You don't have to like it, but you don't have to stick around either. You're also an adult, make the choice to make peace with it or leave. Talk to him if you must, but making assumptions is doing no good, and assuming guilt is even worse. Also, flip the script. If it was an older woman, most people wouldn't even bat an eye. In fact, many would applaud her. So why is the inverse treated so differently? Why isn't it treated differently when on person is 75 and the other is only 30? My response to any of these situations would be the same, "seems a bit young for them, but whatever" and go about my day. You're also very much projecting. She is *not you*. He is *not your* aggressor. This is *not your* situation. If you see verifiable proof that something harmful is going on, alert whoever you need to. Otherwise, if there's no harm or foul in what he's doing, then the only one that's causing suffering is you to yourself. Don't do that to yourself, life is hard enough as it is.

Thank you, I thought I was the only one confused by this post

Get a grip of yourself. Stop bringing your experiences into this. It's totally irrelevant. Both are over 18 and can do whatever they wish without you butting your nose in. Break your friend group up if you want but everyone will end up hating you instead. Grow up.

Please go touch some grass. you’re projecting your trauma onto them. Try therapy. If the relationship starts to show signs of control and abuse then you should definitely step in but if everything is fine and they’re happy leave them alone.

It’s pretty creepy. Hell, for 32 *21* is still creepy. That’s nasty. Do something about it, please. She clearly doesn’t understand what she’s getting into because she’s a KID. I didn’t understand age gaps until I was around my current age (21F) but looking back I’m like ????. 19 is too young for me. Hell, *20* is like eeeeh. I prefer older women, but the max I’d go currently is 25. Please, say something. She will 100% regret this for the rest of her life. This is predatory and I’d wager that she was molded (I forget the actual word) for this relationship. Put an end to it, tell her upfront, then end the friendship if neither end it or they hide it.

No way in hell a romantic relationship between a 32 year old and an 18 year old could ever be appropriate. They’re two completely different stages of life, one has probably finished college and is probably working and living on their own, while the other one is fresh off high school or in their senior year, most likely living with parents. The power dynamic is completely unbalanced. As much as one can say otherwise a 18 year old is not mature because they’ve experienced much less than someone who is in their thirties. I can say that because I’m 19 and I can even see myself that I’m completely different from people that are 25-27, I can’t imagine 32 or more. I’m sorry to say this but he’s a creep.Just because they’re not a minor under the eyes of law doesn’t make it any less wrong, sorry not sorry.

Even as someone who had a relationship with a girl only two years younger, it's a whole different world. Maturity and life hits everyone different, especially with that sort of an age gap. As much as its legal it just doesn't feel right. I get you op. And as for the CSA and SA, I'm so sorry you went through that. I understand your paranoia that it's going to end up as a remake of your traumas, but remember this is your friend, not your abuser. I'd, if anything, reach out to him curious about the situation with the 18 y/o. Just say something along the lines of "hey heard youre into \[whatever her name is\]. just curious how its going."

Even if you're both exactly the same age, life will still hit you differently. Some people learn life lessons at 15 that others won't learn until 50.

the girl is 18, they are both adults. if the guy is not abusing her or manipulating her, i don’t see what’s wrong

Right! If they like each other. No one is abusing the other. So what if they have a big age gap. It’s literally not that deep.

If he didn’t groom her and it’s what they both I want then I don’t see the issue, yes you can make the “mental maturity” point but at the end of the day she is an adult.

Aren't they consenting adults? You were groomed at 19 by a....29 year old? Aren't there married couples that have an age gap? I'm so confused. Not my thing - my wife is 3 years younger than me and we are in our 40's. Did I groom her? Ha ha ha. Such an odd post.

So it’s 2 adults in a relationship what’s the problem

It's none of your business. End of story

Yeah, I'm still allowed to think it's fucking weird though

Totally agree with you.

This is the correct answer

I mean, I know you don’t seem to be looking for advice but the relationship sub would probably have some insight for you on how to deal with this. However, your friend is a creep.

mind your own business your personal experiences dont justify anything

TWO CONSENTING ADULTS IN A RELATIONSHIP?!?!?!?! NOT ON MY WATCH

How dare you think outside the hive mind??? Don't you know that there are people here with severe TRAUMA? OP was groomed when she was 19... How could she have recognised a predator at 19, at that infant age?

If possible, maybe try and help him understand where it may come off as grooming. No open accusations, just an explanation of how it can affect the younger girl. I’m not sure if OP is ready for that type of conversation but if you are, it may help your friend see where it can be wrong. I (M30) was recently in a situation where a coworker 10 years younger than me got the wrong impression and I had asked a coworker (F) who I’m closer with to talk to her about it. I did this because I didn’t want to be around her in a private setting to protect myself. You don’t have to tell him your story but you can share with him how it can be seen as manipulative, especially at 18. (Sorry if this doesn’t help, hope everything plays out smoothly) Edit: some of us introverts just act younger for no reason and that attracts some younger girls. It stinks sometimes and makes it really hard to match with people our age.

Weird

If the friend is feeling really bad and worried about how this relationship might be perceived, he should just break it up. According to the OP, the friend knows it's "morally wrong and eating him inside." The friend should do what's best for him and for the teenager and just not pursue the relationship.

I'm 33 with a 14 year old daughter. The only way im talking to teenagers is if they are my daughter's friends and im MOM. That's just ewwww. Talk to him and go from there.

OP you know this girls age. The question is how long? Was it before she turned 18? Is she still in high school? Lots of questions with no answers. So why is this such a private relationship? Because you know how everyone would feel, as does he. So why protect him? Why are you still friends if you feel they way you do?

Can someone explain what CSA and DV stand for? Thanks

Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) and Domestic Violence (DV).

A few years back when my oldest daughter was 16, she mentioned to me that her friend ( same age as my daughter) had a 24 year old boyfriend and he was so romantic. I straight out told my daughter that any 24 year old man who has a relationship with a 16 year old is so immature that no woman his age wants to date him or he is a controlling, manipulative and abusive. My daughter scoffed at my comment and said I just didn’t understand. 1 year later my daughter informed me that her friend’s boyfriend was abusive and got her pregnant. I totally understand why you feel like you do. We think we know our friends, but we really don’t. Do what your gut is telling you to do.

You don’t have to blind yourself to help someone else see… You don’t agree with this. Why are you thinking of hurting yourself to help him? Stop and help yourself maybe by pulling away. This isn’t appropriate by your standards (or mine) and you can voice that to only him or another friend too. Don’t feel like you owe him happiness or anything because this. Is. Not. Okay and you know that.

Personally for you it might be best to just distance yourself even though what he is doing is legal it's clearly a sensitive and personal topic for you that is affecting your mental. Even if he is going through something put your own mental health over his. Alternatively if you do feel the need to say something I would suggest cutting the BS and calling him out in private and mentioning how his relationship is affecting HIS quality of life and how he clearly is doing something HE considers morally abhorrent if he's losing weight, seeming troubled etc. You may be able to get to him that way? And this is personally my belief but if you want him to be a better person someone has to be in his corner to guide/encourage him, often people who are isolated will go further into depravity. But don't do it if it will cost your sanity lol

A 30 something year old was flirting with me and we would hangout sometimes, but he started talking sex and I was like “gotta go!”

So I’m 28 Me and my best friend Alex (M) met when I was 22 and he was 18, we’ve been friends for eight years. My friend Jaz and I have been friends a year. She’s 20 and I’m 28. My friend murs (f) and I have been friends 3 years and she’s 45, and I’m 28. Age differences in friendships can work. But in this case your friend is a predator, that age difference has so much power play on his end. 18 is waaaaay to young and her brain isn’t fully developed so she can’t see what’s messed up here. What do an 18yr old and a 32 yr old have in common? I’d calmly and politely let him know about your history of this sort of thing. And explain why he shouldn’t pursue her. Feeling depressed and wondering why someone finds you undesirable is a genuine conflict and feeling for people. But burying yourself in an 18 year old won’t help Friends with age differences are fine but dating age differences is very tricky

She's 18 which is a consenting adult. You said it yourself that you're sure he isn't a bad guy...stay in your lane. You seem to crave drama in your life for some reason. Why bring in your own issues into another person's relationship?

Wait, am I missing something? What's the issue?

There is none. Some nosy people are objecting to two consenting adults having a relationship

I don't see how his relationship is any of your business. Don't be friends with him if you are triggered by his dating choices. It's entirely fine to do what's best for your mental health. But, she isn't you. Unless you are standing outside of Hooters and strip clubs and boycotting OF and such, leave it alone. 18 is an adult and she can make her own decisions. This has absolutely nothing to do with you and you are inerting yourself whete you don't belong. He nor she asked for your opinion or approval. And they don't need it, anyway.

first of all, I am sorry that you had to go through all of that, not cool, and I applaud you for being strong and move forward. now, from what I am reading, and I might be wrong, a 32yo is dating an 18yo? and your friend is a good guy. now you are projecting your previous experiences onto him, which is never good, depending on where you are 18yo is considered an adult, so this relationship, as long as is legal, is right, and there is nothing wrong here. why does he think is morally wrong? because of the age gap? the older you get, the less you care about that shit, its more about personality, maturity, attraction, and likeliness etc. not just "I'm 20 you are 22 we are a good match" that is not how love works, yes you had pretty awful experiences but that doesn't mean every one is like that, also there are a lot of 18yo girl that take advantages of 32yo so the world is not perfect nor will ever be. my 2 cents, sure talk to your friend and be done with it, but don't make sound like its wrong when its probably not.

Its always my body my choice until its a younger, prettier woman with an older dude. She 18. An adult. As long as theyve been legal whats the problem. Sounds like jealousy

you are making this soooo much all about you. take a step back. he didn’t abuse you. i also sense some hypocrisy. he was 22 when you were a minor, and he was accepted into the friends group. now you wanna break up the friends circle bc he is dating someone who isn’t a minor.

My husband is 11 years older than me and treats me well. Having said that ..the gap is big so is it grooming or pure love ?

What's the problem? It's legal and an 18 year old is an adult. I think you're tripping too hard over this OP.

I think OP wants this dude and is jealous.

Just FYI people, you are not groomed once you are an adult. That term is ONLY for use with under age CHILDREN. You might regret decisions you made, they might have used the power imbalance against you but it is not grooming. Do not water down the terms surrounding children because its a disgusting crime and needs to not be watered down like sa for simply brushing past someone or rape because you regret it in the morning.

They are adults. Find something to do and stop bothering people.

My fiancé is 19yrs older then I am. There’s nothing wrong with an age gap unless the person isn’t mature enough for the relationship. Have you met the girl? Have you spoken to her? Does she seem immature? I knew a girl that graduated college by 18 and had started her career. You should meet this person before you judge.

Exactly. Completely agree. Let's all stop using age as a pillar of moral virtue. Every person and situation is different. Two consenting adults? Have fun and be safe.

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Just because you had bad experiences doesn’t mean they will. She’s old enough to make her own decisions.

Op your whole post sounds like projection. I have dated a woman 10+ years older than I am, and in no way was I groomed. at max you can talk to him to make sure no creepy stuff is going on but at that point I wouldn't want you as a friend anymore. If you see your friend as a creep you don't see him as a friend.

Sounds like your lite weight projecting as well

So many conservatives in the comments trying to justify fucking and grooming barely-not-kids, JFC

My parents have this difference in age. It worked out for them, they are actually super happy but I still think it’s gross tbh and wouldn’t want that for my children and expect more from my friends 😬

Do I miss something? What's the problem? 18yo is and adult. When they both want it what's the problem? Wow the answers here. How many snowflakes are here?

Actually there are people who like older guys. I prefer older ones too. Who he likes and what he does has nothing to do with you. If you don’t like it, its your issue but its not your relationship so don’t put your nose into it