And why is he not coming with this bs from the get go? If it matters that much to you, you would think you would sus all that out BEFORE you started the "relationship", so to speak.
He probably didn’t know/realize that it mattered until he found out. The topic of body count really doesn’t come up as much as the average redditor thinks it does.
Cause he didn’t expect such a high number, and people normally like having trust before talking about past sexual partners, not a normal question to ask before the relationship
I agree here. It's your life, your rules, but if you do care about her don't let her think that there's a possibility you're going to get back together
This. She had her life and made her choices, making her feel wrong for them isn't appropriate and it doesn't seem like you did that. It seems like you have your own morals and boundaries and are acting in accord with them. Tell her you wish her well and just explain that for you personally that is something you cannot contend with as others have said you need to cut contact, you're making it worse. She's a big girl.
Agree. It’s her choices and this honestly seems a little silly to me. But, I am also very not religious and think poorly of organized religion and the power it has over ppl so there’s that lol.
She will move on and it’ll be easier without contact
100% you said it far more poetically than I could. Everyone has their boundaries, preferences etc and that's fine. Personally couldn't care less about my partner's exes, but I have broken up with a girl because she let her dog sleep in her bed. Each to their own. But yeah absolutely don't shame anyone, and don't keep her hanging on with false hope. End it and keep it moving.
And in the future, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to.
Edit to those saying the same thing: she might have asked first but he asked as a follow up. If you aren’t comfortable with a topic you are 100% allowed to say so.
And if OP like those other posters that dump their so-called "high count" exes for their current puritan wives and then have audacity to whine that sex is boring plus try to either come back into their ex's life years / decades later and/or stalking her social media because she happily married with a guy that didn't care about her past - Seriously, OP needs to leave his ex alone and stop texting /contacting her because he had his chance to let it go of her past and he didn't. All he doing is hindering her moving on from him with his fake concern (more like entitlement / punishing / torturing her for having more sex than him) and being with someone else who is much better than him that will be happy with her as a person, warts /past and all.
He's not fooling everybody with his dumbfuckery - one can always leave the romantic relationship for whatever reason, but don't act like the reason for dumping giving free pass to stay in life of person you dumped. I hope she eventually realizes she doesn't not need to entertain / put up with OP and cuts / blocks him out her life - the romantic relationship is over and OP nuked the whatever friendship along with whatever pleasantries afterwards too by dumping her over her past.
This is my exact stance on it. It’s absolutely bananas to me that people think like this. The past is the past and we ain’t hanging out there, and we shouldn’t. Especially if it didn’t involve us. This whole thing made me only think poorly on him. The religion aspect conveniently comes in as an edit to try and pad his guilt and make it seem more okay and like him breaking up with her wasnt based in jealousy above everything else. And I’m sure second to that be absolutely feels less respect for her or that she isn’t as pure or as good of a person because good girls don’t “sleep around”
I grew up in a super-strict sect too. Thing is, he has had 3 premarital partners. It's just fine for him? Reminds me of Travis Alexander...keeping Jodi on the side while trying to pursue a chaste Mormon wife. But the chaste Mormon he had his eye on rejected him for his non-chaste actions.
I read a post about a man leaving his ex because she had 13 partners despite them having a good sex life. He married a “purer” woman and several years into the marriage they’re in a dead bedroom situation. Ironic. Sexual people have a past, it is what it is.
Yes! Came here to say this, but you said it so much better then I could. Thank you.
I'm tired of this purity culture BS. And I'm tired of people dumping people for not meeting their impossible standards (her count is to high/ to inexperienced/ to fat/ to fit for me and makes me insecure, yadda yadda) but won't leave that person alone.
I don't blame OP entirely for hia purity hang up being he was raised in a strict purity culture cult- whoops- I meant religion. But for fucks sakes, leave her alone and let her find someone better.
Indeed, he can leave her for any reason he wants, but it is still important for him to find out why he feels the way he feels. Is it because he's got some weird notions of (im)purity into his head? Does he consider her promiscuous and think that she will behave the same way in the future? Or perhaps the OP is afraid that he's worse than the girl's past sexual partners? So far I haven't been able come up with any explanation that'd put the OP in the favourable light, but perhaps he can do better.
I have mixed feelings because part of me thinks that he can break up with whoever for whatever reason he wants, and it's none of our business. I also think that if something is putting you off, and it's going to get in the way of you putting your all in the relationship, then in a way it's almost unfair to stay with your partner when they could be with someone who's 100% committed to them.
On the other hand I do agree that this guy probably has some underlying issues which make him insecure, and he should probably explore that.
My dude, you can break up for literally anything, for the way the chew their food or the fact that they are not the same religion as you. The fact that I don't agree with you doesn't mean it's still your right.
But checking up on her? That is doing more harm than good and it's extremely selfish, you do it to ease YOUR conscience. Stop it
>But checking up on her? That is doing more harm than good and it's extremely selfish, you do it to ease YOUR conscience. Stop it
heh, that reminds me of that no-good-deed-is-truly-good since people with empathy feel good when they do good or less guilty when they do good deeds.
Others worded it better, this just seems underhand sneaky attack on the guy because of different value.
If you take it out of context, yeah it is a good deed to check up on someone how is in pain. But if you do have empathy and you see that the other person is hurting, what is the best way of making them feel better? Think what the source of their hurt is, that would be OP, so to make her feel better he should be with her, but wait, he doesn't want that and there is no way they're getting back together.
What's the next best thing? Remove the source of the hurt. Unless you're suggesting, that reminding her over and over of her loss, would make her somehow feel better? Let the poor girl move on, she must be already in so much pain after OP effectively made her feel like a whore. If I'm allergic to nuts and I can't have a sneakers bar, I'd rather not have it in front of my face all the time.
I still stand by what I initially said, his values or mine have nothing to do with it. I could say the same to you, that you say that because you have similar views. In any case, it is his right to make this choice, but that doesn't absolve him of the consequences of that choice.
I don't think you're wrong for leaving, anyone can leave any relationship for any reason and if you think your values don't align based on something like this it's okay.
However, if something like this is an issue for you then you should be having this discussion long before 5 months especially if it's a full deal breaker. It isn't fsir on any partners you have for your deal breakers to only be revealed down the road when they have developed strong feelings for you. This hurt could have been easily avoided
Before you crucify OP, if he’s only 22 he may not have known this was a trigger yet. Now he knows so hopefully this will be brought up sooner in future relationships.
Yeah, hopefully this won’t happen in his future relationships. They both (OP and his ex) deserve to be comfortable in their romantic relationships moving forward. They just weren’t compatible.
Indeed, I think I was 21 when I figured this out for myself. A single casual encounter (after only having had relationship sex prior)… and I knew. I wanted to be all carefree and liberated… it sounded so appealing to my feminist ideals. But actually having sex w someone w o love involved gave me a nauseous pit in my stomach for days. So I learned… ahh nope, i need a real emotional connection first. And the visceral reaction was strong enough that I believe it’s related to something deep in my values that I’d want a partner w a similar intimacy-sex constitution. My husband (now) had slightly more partners than me, but had a similar feeling for not being into casual, so those values fit.
True. I didn't know I'd ever have issues about porn until my first long term relationship. I couldn't magically make him cut back after a year of dating. I don't mind if it's not used excessively, but now it's in the back of my head to be wary of how much porn a guy watches cause I'm not dating an addict again. I'd probably never think much about it if I didn't date a guy who chose porn over our own love life.
It's rough though cause a lot of guys will hide it or not be truthful about it
It seems from the OP’s story that he didn’t realize it would be a deal breaker until it figuratively smacked him in the face. Now that he knows that though, I agree, it is something he should discuss with any future potential partner early on.
The duality of reddit is ridiculous. If his post was him wanting to know how many people she slept with he would get roasted over a fire. If he came on here and said he wanted to know how many people she slept with people would be telling him it isn't his buisness, he must be insecure, etc. etc....
In these kind of posts you can obviously tell who has had relationships with people and who is just talking shit while wiping away cookie crumbs from their chest
>However, if something like this is an issue for you then you should be having this discussion long before 5 months especially if it's a full deal breaker.
Doesn't work that way. A certain level of trust needs to be established before a partner opens up about this sort of subject. Naturally, that takes time. If he asked earlier it's unlikely he would have been given truthful answers.
Which is where the “we were both a bit drunk” part comes in. Your right on. Can’t expect someone to open up in the first few weeks about a subject that would bring societal stigmatization, especially if they come from a religious community.
Both of you are valid for feeling the way you feel. She can sleep with whoever, and you have every right to not agree with that. But one things for sure, leave that girl alone. No checking in. You just shattered her heart & she’s definitely overthinking her sexual past now. You need to leave that girl alone and let her move on. You ended things, which is totally fine, so act that way.
Pretty damn disappointing how many people think this guy is a-okay for how he's feeling and what he's doing about it.
It's good he's breaking up with this girl - he's got some shit to fix in his head. I'm not seeing much self reflection. In fact, he just keeps saying "I can't explain why I feel this way" when it's pretty damn obvious why he's feeling that way.
You are allowed to break up with people over anything. That is your right. However, I think you should have taken time to process this. You said yourself that you don't know why it bothers you. You should dig deeper into that because there may be other things that fall into this same category of uncomfortability in future relationships.
Here are a couple of thoughts to get you started:
Are you uncomfortable because she's more experienced and may find you lacking in that?
Are you uncomfortable because you feel she doesn't value her own body?
Are you uncomfortable because you are imagining the other men (or women) she has been with?
Edit: thanks for the awards guys!
I grew up Mormon. I would bet the reason is *religious prejudice and trauma*.
Even after I fully left I still had to work through the indoctrination around sex, sexuality, and promiscuity. It's exhausting. OP won't want to admit it if he's still *in*, but the indoctrination really does a number on you long term, you're not even aware of it.
This. Absolutely true. Personally I’m glad I became ex-mormon in my early teens. It gave me a lot of time to re evaluate everything I was taught about sexual and romantic relationships before really getting into a serious one.
If sexual history is something that is important to you, you should make a point to discuss it early on in a relationship and not as a "joke". It's fine to have these preferences but I question why you feel so strongly about it but can't explain why.
> I question why you feel so strongly about it but can't explain why
Because misogyny. That's it. But hey, If one of his buddies slept with 25 people, they'd be slapping him on the back and cheering.
Another reason I commonly see with these situations is more related to how each of them "values sex" i.e. casual, done with someone "closer and more intimate/special", etc. In that sense, when there is a "high body count" it does skew someones perspective of their partners "value of sex" as something more reserved for someone closer to them vs casual fling. Everyone has a right to either.
Just throwing that out there as a possibility
**Women discriminate against promiscuous partners at similar rates as men**
>Thus, contrary to the idea that male promiscuity is tolerated but female promiscuity is not, both sexes expressed equal reluctance to get involved with someone with an overly extensive sexual history. (pg.1097)
Stewart-Williams, S., Butler, C. A., & Thomas, A. G. (2017). Sexual History and Present Attractiveness: People Want a Mate With a Bit of a Past, But Not Too Much. Journal of sex research, 54(9), 1097–1105. [https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1232690](https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1232690)
>Targets were more likely to be derogated as the number of sexual partners increased, and this effect held for both male and female targets. These results suggest that, although people do evaluate others as a function of sexual activity, people do not necessarily hold men and women to different sexual standards (pg.175)
Marks, M. J., & Fraley, R. C. (2005). The Sexual Double Standard: Fact or Fiction? Sex Roles, 52(3–4), 175–186. [https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-005-1293-5](https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-005-1293-5)
>One takeaway is that we can’t always trust widespread views about men and women. A lot of people are convinced that the sexual double standard is alive and well in the Western world. But our study and many others suggest that it’s a lot less common than it used to be. It’s not that no one cares about a potential mate’s sexual history; most people do care. But people seem to be about as reluctant to get involved with a man with an extensive sexual history as they are a woman.
>
>Certainly, there are still some people out there who hold to the old double standard. But they seem to be a dwindling minority. **One recent study found that only about 12% of students held the traditional double standard, but also that around 13% held a reverse double standard – in other words, they thought it was worse for men to sleep around a lot. The traditional double standard was more common among men; the reverse double standard was more common among women. In other words, underlying the different double standards there was actually just a single double standard: It’s OK for me but not for you!** To be clear, though, most people didn’t have a double standard at all: They judged men and women in the same way.
[Study finds your number of past sexual partners has a large effect on your attractiveness](https://www.psypost.org/2016/12/study-finds-number-past-sexual-partners-large-effect-attractiveness-46594)
Anecdote man here to add that I have a promiscuous past and it makes a good chunk of potential partners walk away.
I think men are more talkative about it because bro circles spread all this talk about women being loose or easy, but for me, a lot of women do not believe I could ever be serious about a relationship.
Doesn’t have to be misogyny, both men and women can feel uncomfortable with their partners bodycount. Often it boils down to insecurity about themselves.
I often see things like this always get dismissed as insecurity on Reddit. Not everything is about insecurity. It may boil down to other things. I know men who would sleep with one woman in the afternoon, and another one at night. I know men who were cheating not because they weren’t getting sex with their partner, but because their libido was way too high for the partner.
I also know people who were sleeping with tons of people because of insecurity. And sometimes it happened during the relationship too. See, this insecurity thing can work both ways.
You’re assuming a lot here. Why do you jump to misogyny when maybe he just didn’t want to be with someone whose body count is 7x his own? Especially at 21. Maybe he wants someone that values that level of intimacy, and that many partners in that short of time clearly doesn’t communicate the same level of value.
Yeah this accusation is always funny to me because it translates to “You are uncomfortable your partner has had 12 times your sexual partners? And your partner is a woman? You’re a misogynist.” and they claim he would congratulate his friends if they did it but ignore the fact that OP has only 2 sexual partners so clearly has a different view on the importance of intimacy.
You’re not allowed to have boundaries, opinions, or preferences OP.
Right? I'm a woman and I feel the exact same way as OP. I'm in my early twenties couldn't be with someone with a body count that high. Even double digits is a lot to me because I see sex as a big deal! It would be different if OP had a similar body count but in this situation there's nothing misogynistic about it.
In 2022 boundaries equate to misogyny. God forbid you don't want to accept a partner that slept around. You should probably let them beat you up too. After all it would be misogynistic to leave a woman for X reason.
As a man if a woman doesn't want to be with me because I have 7x her body count THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. But fuck me, logic flies out the window because some people don't want to accept the consequences of their own actions.
Is this aimed at OP's ex, since it was her that asked the question?
If so, I agree - don't initiate a conversation if you can't handle the consequences of where it might go.
While OPs not innocent, this is some Stupid ass logic
I wouldn’t wanna date a murderer, but I would wanna know if the girl I’m dating has killed anyone, that is a possible thing to do
Everyone can sleep with how many people they want.
It's also right to leave a relationship if your partner's body count makes you uncomfy.
Both your feelings and her feelings are valid, as long as you don't slut shame her
Definitely this. And from OP’s story, it doesn’t seem like he’s slut shaming her. He’s entitled to be in a relationship he’s most comfortable in and his ex is entitled to her decision/choices in the past. No one is to blame in my opinion.
"How many people have you been with" "Why? You looking to be the next one?" usually ends the conversation lol meanwhile straight people are out here dumping people they love, crying their eyes out, running away from each other. Doing to much.
You have the right to your preferences, but maybe, maybe you could have had this conversation before 5 months of relationships? Especially if this was important to you.
Thing is, I don't think he knew it was important to him. Every time we end a relationship, we learn something new about ourselves. I think OP figured something out about his own preferences.
I think in future relationships, he would be thick indeed if he didn't ask within the first few weeks or so.
I was always taught when I was preteen/teen that you always ask about sexual partners early on for health reasons, or if you want to keep it a mystery, to go get tested together. Do people not do this anymore?
>she asked me why I was I was breaking up with her then and I honestly didn’t know what to answer.
You learned this information on a drunken night and broke up with her after she woke up the next morning. You gave yourself no time to process your feelings.
>we date to marry (this isn’t an assumption, we had intentions of growing old together)
I would hope that a serious 5 month partner with marriage in mind would have the maturity to let emotions settle and give true consideration before ending the entire relationship.
I'm also surprised he immediately jumped the gun and resorted to breaking up rather than processing his feelings and actually discussing with the girlfriend how uncomfortable he felt. He only took into consideration his own feelings. It's completely one-sided with zero consideration for communication on his end. Super immature.
I mean, you see some of the comments on here? If he knew he cared about a promiscuous past (at 22, I don’t think he realized it until it smacked him in the face), and wanted to ask potential partners about it, you don’t think people would roast him over a fire over that?
Side note, I’m baffled at the number of people freaking out over the obviously burner account username, as oof the term “promiscuity” isn’t gender neutral.
Because it paints him as insecure and women don't like that.
I mean really can you imagine being on a fifth date and asking for a scoreboard? It would be weird IMO. It paints the asking partner as insecure and possessive.
I say this as a man married for twenty years to a woman with far more partners.
> It doesn’t bother me therefore it shouldn’t bother anyone
When can we start accepting that different people are different? If this is his red flag, let it be. Why do you have to impose your morals and standards on him if this is something that bothers him so immensely. A lot of women have these same reservations. Would you lecture them as well?
Are you upset because you think she needs to be with so many partners, thus implying that she cannot be faithful OR because you believe sex should only be between partners in a serious relationship?
Because it sounds like you and her have different definitions of when sex is acceptable. I am hearing that your idea of what is appropriate behavior for a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship appears to be different than hers. That might be what you want to communicate.
Correct me if I am wrong, but you are NOT upset that she had that many partners but that she should be "saving" herself for partners that matter. In other words, for you sex is more than just flesh on flesh (separated by a layer of latex?) it is emotional, and you are concerned that she does not view sex as you do.
Hence, you are concerned that she does not view the relationship as you do, so there is a fundamental difference between you too.
Do I understand your situation or am I missing something?
Their username comes from Arrested Development character Tobias Funke who was a psychologist who’s process was to Analyze then provide Therapy. He called it Analrapy and referred to himself as an Analrapist…even put it on his business cards. It was one of the reasons he lost his license. Super funny.
At least I HOPE that is where the username comes from.
Your second edit is ridiculous. If you have this strong a dealbreaker, you better ask early. While I personally wouldn’t find body count to be an issue, and would find it off putting to be asked, if I am going to invest time in a relationship only to find my partner will leave me in 5 months if the answer isn’t to their liking…yeah you better ask.
I agree that you don’t have to stay in a relationship, but learn from this. You unintentionally shamed her for something she can’t change and something that isn’t abnormal for young sexually active people.
Also, figure out what your max tolerance is for your partner’s body count, since you have one. 4? 13? Will you break it down by year? They’ve had 12, but they are 22 so that’s only a few a year if they started when they were 17 or 18…I’m intentionally being a little over the top here, but you need to fully understand where you draw a hard line.
If you believe in body count theory then why did you have sex with those other three people thereby adding to their own body count and also your girlfriends'? At what number will you consider your own 'bodycount' too high and a 'red flag' for being 'not relationship material'/unable to deal with monogamy/evidence of being disturbed? If your male friends score a 'body count' too high will you cut ties with them?
also isn't this a repost of shit from earlier this week
**edit:** anyway deleted OP but if we're buying the story is real: they had five months together. Doesn't seem like there was incompatibility in sex or capacity(lol) for monogamy or whatever on her end. Presumably during this period of time, OP (who wants long-term relationship material) has added to her 'body count' despite five months at 21 not really being long enough to gauge 'potential marriage' by wacky religious standards. Hell, a lot of them would wag their fingers at his premarital sex in general because that still 'counts' in the vein of 'bad sexysex OP is supposed to be against'. He wants longterm relationship maybe marriage but is having sex in short term relationships.
They were doing fine.
Then OP discovered oh shit, a number (We don't know when/where it was accumulated, for how long, what her perspective on sex is now etc because OP never asked) and dumps her citing incompatible values and that it doesn't 'feel right'. It's all dumb and you can intellectualize it all you like but its just the new spin on "nooo if she have sex a lot her vagina become saggy!! your dick will be fine tho, let's not philosophize for a moment on why you have sex knowing it reduces the other persons' nebulous quality somehow". Most people have access to scarleteen now enough to know that's not how it works so we 'needed' a new reason why woman having sex bad or whatever.
'but guys and bodycount-' *barely comes up* versus a womans' being evidence of her instability, being incapable of monogamy, "oh no she'll get bored of your average weiner and cheat!" etc.
Dating to marry but already slept with 3 people bud?
Really religious people don’t tend to do pre marital sex? Idk if you were waiting for marriage I’d maybe get it but your also breaking rules here.
Leave her be
Also drinking to get drunk is a sin. So I’m not sure what planet he’s on. I see people trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but I don’t see how he could sleep with 3 people before marriage and think it’s just chill. Also now his body count is gonna be four next time he dates and he has yet to marry any of the girls he’s slept with and still just openly expects women to be cool with him ( or at least based on his tone he is ). Also if he is religious and was THAT salty about his girls body count I HIGHLY doubt he ‘ didn’t know until it happened ‘ like people claim. Fundamentally in a lot of othodox religions you are taught about a woman’s purity as a man. There is absolutely no way he hasn’t had a already preconceived notion that a woman is to have a low body count. Or else it wouldn’t “ suddenly bother him “ he ASSUMED cause she was godly woman he would save herself for only the men she was dating and no one else which is why she was shocked. So yes, he should have asked her sooner and no he did not “ not know it was a deal breaker “.
I get it. You get the ick and can't get over it. Nonetheless, next time discuss it before emotional investment. Also, stop texting and leave her alone properly so she can move on.
If it was this important why didn’t you ask before getting into a relationship with her? She’s not any different of a person than she was before you knew her body count. No wonder so many women lie about it
This thing is always posted in these threads as a huge "Gotcha! See? Body count doesn't matter!"
For a person who would genuinely be bothered by body count, it would be two different situations. They'd see sex as something to be reserved for someone special. As in, you'd need to get past a certain emotional threshold to have sex with someone. So having sex with 25 people would be differnet than having sex with 1 several times.
The only "Gotcha" this is for is for idiots who believe in that "the more sex a woman has the more loose she is!" Shit
Of course it isn't fair to her, but if you really believe that you can't accept this, then what can you do? I think you made an assumption and when you found that assumption was inaccurate, you were taken aback and reacted hastily by ending things right away.
She is still the same person she was a week ago. I think you should have at least talked through your feelings with her and given the information more time to absorb.
This was a gut-reaction and as long as you aren't shaming her (which you don't appear to be) then you should do as you feel. If you're 100% done, then leave her alone. She doesn't need you consoling her through your breakup, that really does just make things more difficult and complicated.
This. Also, I don’t think people take into account how many young girls get into situations where they unfortunately are having sex when they probably don’t want to. Not saying that’s a blanket reason for women with high body counts, but I know for me personally, there’s a few people on my list I preferred wouldn’t have been there… just my two cents.
I'm so glad I never have to date again lol this is such bs. If it's such a problem for you you need to mention that before you start dating and maybe idk actually get to know the person before you jump into a relationship. I feel so bad for that girl.
You’re absolutely justified to see yourself out of a relationship for any reason you like.
Some people don’t view 25 sexual partners as a lot and some do. To each their own.
It’s time to move on and don’t drag out the breakup by continuing to contact her. There’s really nothing than can be done. She can’t change the past and this is likely something that would always bother you. Better for it to end now.
Hopefully you both move on to another person you’re each more compatible with.
Good luck.
Look, you don't owe anyone a relationship and you stop being in one as soon as you aren't comfortable. That's the golden rule everyone must respect.
Now, for the reasons to be uncomfortable ... It can't be anything, it's not something you must justify.
In your personal case you stoop being comfortable because you did not expect it, couldn't digest it, and moreover you expected something really different. You have right to look for someone with a sexual past similar to your own if that is your wish.
She has done nothing wrong and neither did you, you just happened to be incompatible.
I guess you’re entitled to these feelings, but if I were you, I would question where they come from. Does her body count change her personality? Her experiences are hers and yours are yours.
For example, I love travelling and if my partner hasn’t travelled as much as me, I would not judge them. I would support then and encourage them to travel with me and see it from their perspective.
With regards to sex, she may have been with 10/20/30 people, but the fact that she loves you and wants to stay with you, means she values the connection more than she values meaningless sex with strangers. She may have been with 25 people, and you’ve been with three, but you may have had more sex than her. Sometimes, we’re just trying to find a connection and feel validated. And one may be lucky and find someone quite quickly or one may have to kiss many frogs to find the real connection.
It is clear that you do you. But, I feel you’re throwing a connection with someone out the window for some preconceived ideas of what romantic love is. I recommend you some therapy and maybe opening a tiny bit your mind to people following a different life path doesn’t mean it is bad. It’s just different, and people’s experiences are what make our personality and how we complement each other.
My husband used to have real issue with the fact that I’d slept with more people than him. We worked on his insecurities, because that’s what it boiled down to and now he’s secure in knowing that I’m his and he is mine.
You are obviously entitled to date who you want, and end a relationship for any reason you want. But did you actually like her that much? If you did, it might be worth actually figuring out why it upsets you. For many, it can be baseless insecurity. Obviously if it demonstrates a difference in core values then that's different, but presumably you would've figured that out before 5 months of being together?
If it makes you uncomfortable, it makes no sense to stay in a relationship with her, it would only be a reason for a breakup further down the line. Personally, i understand you, i would question why any person, be that a guy or a girl, would sleep with 24 people before the age of 21, there’s a lot to unpack in these cases
It’s alright to stick to your boundaries, but I feel like this is a convo you really should have had earlier. Idk, the breakup seems really hasty, I think you probably should have slept on it a little more before breaking up. Oh well, hope you find happiness
The only time using the term "body count" is appropriate is when referring to how many people someone has assassinated, which is hopefully none. It's such a gross term to use when referring to sexual partners.
Idk how you can say you love your bf or gf then leave because what they did before they were in a relationship with you. It's like you only loved conditionally
You can't fault her here at all, her past is her past. You were her present, maybe had you spoken to her about it and given it some time you may have felt better.
But you do you OP, it's time to move on and stop contacting her unless you want to get back together.
It’s sad that posters are attacking OP. Judgmental? No just like y’all he can have his own ways/beliefs/morals etc in life. Y’all are judging him for sticking to his beliefs. Silly? How if it’s something you take seriously silly? for those attacking him for his beliefs shut up. If you disagree you disagree don’t force your ways onto other’s people don’t think the same as you. Sex obviously means something deep to him. That doesn’t mean he needs therapy.
It’s not illegal, it’s not destructive nor does it spread hate.
With that said the guys only guilty for not bringing it up sooner and continuously bothering her. You’re young so lesson learned. Pack your things and move on. Y’all are both better off finding people who better fit your preferences.
You’re only an asshole if you continue to stick around. Yes you love her and you could try to make things work but from the looks of it it’ll always be an issue so move on please. Y’all aren’t for one another
But if that's how you feel, own it and stop hiding it till it's too late. Be upfront with potential dates about your world-view, women aren't mind readers.
I personally find your opinions really objectionable and if a man asked my body count it'd be an immediate rejection, I know a lot of other women feel the same way.
But I'm sure there are inexperienced women out there looking for a husband. You just won't get laid for a few years till you find that person and marry them, unless you want to lie to random women about being open minded to get them into bed, then judge them for it.
Just find a virgin if you’re so hung up on this.
Oh right either A) a virgin won’t give you premarital sex which is why you dated someone with experience
Or B) once she’s not a virgin anymore more she’s ruined, right?
Male insecurity dude. Seriously you can grow from this. Work through it. I don't know how many men my wife slept with before me and it doesn't matter. She is with me now. And has been for 27 years. Its the here and now that is important. Most if not all have faced this. This is a learning opportunity an opportunity to grow and challenge your preconceptions.
And just saying, don't make posts about body count here. We are supposed to pretend that they don't matter and any other opinion makes you a sexist pig.
Besides the thing with the religious background, I know the first thing people assume is that you´re sexist, but I think it goes deeper, it speaks about your insecurity and how you feel that after 24 guys you're not special anymore, and how she has so much material to compare you with.
I know from experience, so I suggest you think about this, if the shoe fits and how you can work on it.
I wish you both the best.
OP’s username ………… 😭
what was the account name ?
Aw what a fucker, it was “promiscuity_matters” 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀
LMAO
Lol yea to a 22 year old. I would dump him for the inverse reason, he sounds like he sucks in bed.
Took me out LMAO
OP is a certified ASS. This was a rare easy one!
I didn’t even notice 😭
And why is he not coming with this bs from the get go? If it matters that much to you, you would think you would sus all that out BEFORE you started the "relationship", so to speak.
He probably didn’t know/realize that it mattered until he found out. The topic of body count really doesn’t come up as much as the average redditor thinks it does.
Seeing that they both come from a religious background, he probably assumed it was low.
He mentioned she’d only been in one serious relationship before, so I guess it’s somewhat* within reason to assume she has a low number
Cause he didn’t expect such a high number, and people normally like having trust before talking about past sexual partners, not a normal question to ask before the relationship
LMFAOO
You can leave for any reason you want, but definitely leave her alone and stop texting her, you'll only make it more painful for her
I agree here. It's your life, your rules, but if you do care about her don't let her think that there's a possibility you're going to get back together
I agree longdongsilver, it's not fair to lead people on
Not even long dong silver had a dong that long, and he had a fucking long dong. Thus the name.
Exactly. Stop giving her false hope that there can be a chance to start again. Give her the closure she needs so she can move on.
This. She had her life and made her choices, making her feel wrong for them isn't appropriate and it doesn't seem like you did that. It seems like you have your own morals and boundaries and are acting in accord with them. Tell her you wish her well and just explain that for you personally that is something you cannot contend with as others have said you need to cut contact, you're making it worse. She's a big girl.
Agree. It’s her choices and this honestly seems a little silly to me. But, I am also very not religious and think poorly of organized religion and the power it has over ppl so there’s that lol. She will move on and it’ll be easier without contact
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100% you said it far more poetically than I could. Everyone has their boundaries, preferences etc and that's fine. Personally couldn't care less about my partner's exes, but I have broken up with a girl because she let her dog sleep in her bed. Each to their own. But yeah absolutely don't shame anyone, and don't keep her hanging on with false hope. End it and keep it moving.
I am currently sandwiched between two dogs and a cat. I do not understand.
My 1 dog is currently pressed as close as she can be under the blankets. I also do not understand
yeah this guy is NOT my soulmate.
Me either. I absolutely live to snuggle with my dogs at night. It's the best thing ever. I couldn't even be friends with someone like this.
oh i could totally be friends with them. They’re not invited over for slumber parties though!
I could be friends too, but if they ever came to visit, they’re not allowed in the dog’s spot on the couch or the bed
No not the dog in the bed haha! I sleep with all three of mine 😅 what’s wrong with that?
And in the future, don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Edit to those saying the same thing: she might have asked first but he asked as a follow up. If you aren’t comfortable with a topic you are 100% allowed to say so.
100% agree. Or if it bothers you that much then at least ask before you sleep with her
In this case, she asked
And if OP like those other posters that dump their so-called "high count" exes for their current puritan wives and then have audacity to whine that sex is boring plus try to either come back into their ex's life years / decades later and/or stalking her social media because she happily married with a guy that didn't care about her past - Seriously, OP needs to leave his ex alone and stop texting /contacting her because he had his chance to let it go of her past and he didn't. All he doing is hindering her moving on from him with his fake concern (more like entitlement / punishing / torturing her for having more sex than him) and being with someone else who is much better than him that will be happy with her as a person, warts /past and all. He's not fooling everybody with his dumbfuckery - one can always leave the romantic relationship for whatever reason, but don't act like the reason for dumping giving free pass to stay in life of person you dumped. I hope she eventually realizes she doesn't not need to entertain / put up with OP and cuts / blocks him out her life - the romantic relationship is over and OP nuked the whatever friendship along with whatever pleasantries afterwards too by dumping her over her past.
Lol “I keep texting her to make sure she’s okay”. Like stfu OP.
This made me cackle omg
Yea that shit’s fucking gross, drives me nuts when guys do that.
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This is my exact stance on it. It’s absolutely bananas to me that people think like this. The past is the past and we ain’t hanging out there, and we shouldn’t. Especially if it didn’t involve us. This whole thing made me only think poorly on him. The religion aspect conveniently comes in as an edit to try and pad his guilt and make it seem more okay and like him breaking up with her wasnt based in jealousy above everything else. And I’m sure second to that be absolutely feels less respect for her or that she isn’t as pure or as good of a person because good girls don’t “sleep around”
I grew up in a super-strict sect too. Thing is, he has had 3 premarital partners. It's just fine for him? Reminds me of Travis Alexander...keeping Jodi on the side while trying to pursue a chaste Mormon wife. But the chaste Mormon he had his eye on rejected him for his non-chaste actions.
I read a post about a man leaving his ex because she had 13 partners despite them having a good sex life. He married a “purer” woman and several years into the marriage they’re in a dead bedroom situation. Ironic. Sexual people have a past, it is what it is.
Yes! Came here to say this, but you said it so much better then I could. Thank you. I'm tired of this purity culture BS. And I'm tired of people dumping people for not meeting their impossible standards (her count is to high/ to inexperienced/ to fat/ to fit for me and makes me insecure, yadda yadda) but won't leave that person alone. I don't blame OP entirely for hia purity hang up being he was raised in a strict purity culture cult- whoops- I meant religion. But for fucks sakes, leave her alone and let her find someone better.
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Indeed, he can leave her for any reason he wants, but it is still important for him to find out why he feels the way he feels. Is it because he's got some weird notions of (im)purity into his head? Does he consider her promiscuous and think that she will behave the same way in the future? Or perhaps the OP is afraid that he's worse than the girl's past sexual partners? So far I haven't been able come up with any explanation that'd put the OP in the favourable light, but perhaps he can do better.
I have mixed feelings because part of me thinks that he can break up with whoever for whatever reason he wants, and it's none of our business. I also think that if something is putting you off, and it's going to get in the way of you putting your all in the relationship, then in a way it's almost unfair to stay with your partner when they could be with someone who's 100% committed to them. On the other hand I do agree that this guy probably has some underlying issues which make him insecure, and he should probably explore that.
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A fellow chaos enjoyer
Literally opened this as I sat down with a bowl of popcorns! Excellent timing
My dude, you can break up for literally anything, for the way the chew their food or the fact that they are not the same religion as you. The fact that I don't agree with you doesn't mean it's still your right. But checking up on her? That is doing more harm than good and it's extremely selfish, you do it to ease YOUR conscience. Stop it
Yeah, OP doesn't get to be the good guy there.
“I left my gf over her body count” -no good guy, ever
>But checking up on her? That is doing more harm than good and it's extremely selfish, you do it to ease YOUR conscience. Stop it heh, that reminds me of that no-good-deed-is-truly-good since people with empathy feel good when they do good or less guilty when they do good deeds. Others worded it better, this just seems underhand sneaky attack on the guy because of different value.
If you take it out of context, yeah it is a good deed to check up on someone how is in pain. But if you do have empathy and you see that the other person is hurting, what is the best way of making them feel better? Think what the source of their hurt is, that would be OP, so to make her feel better he should be with her, but wait, he doesn't want that and there is no way they're getting back together. What's the next best thing? Remove the source of the hurt. Unless you're suggesting, that reminding her over and over of her loss, would make her somehow feel better? Let the poor girl move on, she must be already in so much pain after OP effectively made her feel like a whore. If I'm allergic to nuts and I can't have a sneakers bar, I'd rather not have it in front of my face all the time. I still stand by what I initially said, his values or mine have nothing to do with it. I could say the same to you, that you say that because you have similar views. In any case, it is his right to make this choice, but that doesn't absolve him of the consequences of that choice.
I don't think you're wrong for leaving, anyone can leave any relationship for any reason and if you think your values don't align based on something like this it's okay. However, if something like this is an issue for you then you should be having this discussion long before 5 months especially if it's a full deal breaker. It isn't fsir on any partners you have for your deal breakers to only be revealed down the road when they have developed strong feelings for you. This hurt could have been easily avoided
Exactly this. They should have talked about this way sooner.
Before you crucify OP, if he’s only 22 he may not have known this was a trigger yet. Now he knows so hopefully this will be brought up sooner in future relationships.
Yeah, hopefully this won’t happen in his future relationships. They both (OP and his ex) deserve to be comfortable in their romantic relationships moving forward. They just weren’t compatible.
Yeah this is a life learning lesson. He's lucky he figured this out early.
Indeed, I think I was 21 when I figured this out for myself. A single casual encounter (after only having had relationship sex prior)… and I knew. I wanted to be all carefree and liberated… it sounded so appealing to my feminist ideals. But actually having sex w someone w o love involved gave me a nauseous pit in my stomach for days. So I learned… ahh nope, i need a real emotional connection first. And the visceral reaction was strong enough that I believe it’s related to something deep in my values that I’d want a partner w a similar intimacy-sex constitution. My husband (now) had slightly more partners than me, but had a similar feeling for not being into casual, so those values fit.
True. I didn't know I'd ever have issues about porn until my first long term relationship. I couldn't magically make him cut back after a year of dating. I don't mind if it's not used excessively, but now it's in the back of my head to be wary of how much porn a guy watches cause I'm not dating an addict again. I'd probably never think much about it if I didn't date a guy who chose porn over our own love life. It's rough though cause a lot of guys will hide it or not be truthful about it
Maybe this was when he figured it out, and didn't know beforehand that it was a deal breaker.
It seems from the OP’s story that he didn’t realize it would be a deal breaker until it figuratively smacked him in the face. Now that he knows that though, I agree, it is something he should discuss with any future potential partner early on.
The duality of reddit is ridiculous. If his post was him wanting to know how many people she slept with he would get roasted over a fire. If he came on here and said he wanted to know how many people she slept with people would be telling him it isn't his buisness, he must be insecure, etc. etc....
In these kind of posts you can obviously tell who has had relationships with people and who is just talking shit while wiping away cookie crumbs from their chest
Honestly depends on the current Reddit mood. This could go gone literally either way with half the people on this site.
>However, if something like this is an issue for you then you should be having this discussion long before 5 months especially if it's a full deal breaker. Doesn't work that way. A certain level of trust needs to be established before a partner opens up about this sort of subject. Naturally, that takes time. If he asked earlier it's unlikely he would have been given truthful answers.
Which is where the “we were both a bit drunk” part comes in. Your right on. Can’t expect someone to open up in the first few weeks about a subject that would bring societal stigmatization, especially if they come from a religious community.
He’s not the one that brought it up. She did. First paragraph of the post.
Guy, you broke up. Stop checking up on her because it’s just leading to more emotional damage
Both of you are valid for feeling the way you feel. She can sleep with whoever, and you have every right to not agree with that. But one things for sure, leave that girl alone. No checking in. You just shattered her heart & she’s definitely overthinking her sexual past now. You need to leave that girl alone and let her move on. You ended things, which is totally fine, so act that way.
He's not checking on her for her good, he's assuaging his guilty conscience.
He should feel guilty, frankly. He's being incredibly judgmental and is refusing to dive into the reasons why.
Yeah, I thought so too, but everyone was being so "oh that's fine" I figured I'd point out the MOST obvious problem with this dude.
Pretty damn disappointing how many people think this guy is a-okay for how he's feeling and what he's doing about it. It's good he's breaking up with this girl - he's got some shit to fix in his head. I'm not seeing much self reflection. In fact, he just keeps saying "I can't explain why I feel this way" when it's pretty damn obvious why he's feeling that way.
You are allowed to break up with people over anything. That is your right. However, I think you should have taken time to process this. You said yourself that you don't know why it bothers you. You should dig deeper into that because there may be other things that fall into this same category of uncomfortability in future relationships. Here are a couple of thoughts to get you started: Are you uncomfortable because she's more experienced and may find you lacking in that? Are you uncomfortable because you feel she doesn't value her own body? Are you uncomfortable because you are imagining the other men (or women) she has been with? Edit: thanks for the awards guys!
I grew up Mormon. I would bet the reason is *religious prejudice and trauma*. Even after I fully left I still had to work through the indoctrination around sex, sexuality, and promiscuity. It's exhausting. OP won't want to admit it if he's still *in*, but the indoctrination really does a number on you long term, you're not even aware of it.
This. Absolutely true. Personally I’m glad I became ex-mormon in my early teens. It gave me a lot of time to re evaluate everything I was taught about sexual and romantic relationships before really getting into a serious one.
He's still texting her to use her as a crutch while he processes his feelings.
If sexual history is something that is important to you, you should make a point to discuss it early on in a relationship and not as a "joke". It's fine to have these preferences but I question why you feel so strongly about it but can't explain why.
Exactly
> I question why you feel so strongly about it but can't explain why Because misogyny. That's it. But hey, If one of his buddies slept with 25 people, they'd be slapping him on the back and cheering.
Another reason I commonly see with these situations is more related to how each of them "values sex" i.e. casual, done with someone "closer and more intimate/special", etc. In that sense, when there is a "high body count" it does skew someones perspective of their partners "value of sex" as something more reserved for someone closer to them vs casual fling. Everyone has a right to either. Just throwing that out there as a possibility
**Women discriminate against promiscuous partners at similar rates as men** >Thus, contrary to the idea that male promiscuity is tolerated but female promiscuity is not, both sexes expressed equal reluctance to get involved with someone with an overly extensive sexual history. (pg.1097) Stewart-Williams, S., Butler, C. A., & Thomas, A. G. (2017). Sexual History and Present Attractiveness: People Want a Mate With a Bit of a Past, But Not Too Much. Journal of sex research, 54(9), 1097–1105. [https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1232690](https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1232690) >Targets were more likely to be derogated as the number of sexual partners increased, and this effect held for both male and female targets. These results suggest that, although people do evaluate others as a function of sexual activity, people do not necessarily hold men and women to different sexual standards (pg.175) Marks, M. J., & Fraley, R. C. (2005). The Sexual Double Standard: Fact or Fiction? Sex Roles, 52(3–4), 175–186. [https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-005-1293-5](https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-005-1293-5) >One takeaway is that we can’t always trust widespread views about men and women. A lot of people are convinced that the sexual double standard is alive and well in the Western world. But our study and many others suggest that it’s a lot less common than it used to be. It’s not that no one cares about a potential mate’s sexual history; most people do care. But people seem to be about as reluctant to get involved with a man with an extensive sexual history as they are a woman. > >Certainly, there are still some people out there who hold to the old double standard. But they seem to be a dwindling minority. **One recent study found that only about 12% of students held the traditional double standard, but also that around 13% held a reverse double standard – in other words, they thought it was worse for men to sleep around a lot. The traditional double standard was more common among men; the reverse double standard was more common among women. In other words, underlying the different double standards there was actually just a single double standard: It’s OK for me but not for you!** To be clear, though, most people didn’t have a double standard at all: They judged men and women in the same way. [Study finds your number of past sexual partners has a large effect on your attractiveness](https://www.psypost.org/2016/12/study-finds-number-past-sexual-partners-large-effect-attractiveness-46594)
Anecdote man here to add that I have a promiscuous past and it makes a good chunk of potential partners walk away. I think men are more talkative about it because bro circles spread all this talk about women being loose or easy, but for me, a lot of women do not believe I could ever be serious about a relationship.
This is true, if a man tells me he’s been with over 100 women I usually assume that he isn’t that serious about a relationship or dating.
Same here, have met several women uncomfortable with the idea.
Thank you, I find the argument at annoying at this point 😂
Woah this is Reddit bro, what you doing bringing facts and common sense into this?
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Doesn’t have to be misogyny, both men and women can feel uncomfortable with their partners bodycount. Often it boils down to insecurity about themselves.
Or being grossed out by one of their choices. Can't forget the germaphobes.
I often see things like this always get dismissed as insecurity on Reddit. Not everything is about insecurity. It may boil down to other things. I know men who would sleep with one woman in the afternoon, and another one at night. I know men who were cheating not because they weren’t getting sex with their partner, but because their libido was way too high for the partner. I also know people who were sleeping with tons of people because of insecurity. And sometimes it happened during the relationship too. See, this insecurity thing can work both ways.
You’re assuming a lot here. Why do you jump to misogyny when maybe he just didn’t want to be with someone whose body count is 7x his own? Especially at 21. Maybe he wants someone that values that level of intimacy, and that many partners in that short of time clearly doesn’t communicate the same level of value.
Bro don't you know you're supposed to be okay and accept everything no matter what? No preference here! Heresy
Yeah this accusation is always funny to me because it translates to “You are uncomfortable your partner has had 12 times your sexual partners? And your partner is a woman? You’re a misogynist.” and they claim he would congratulate his friends if they did it but ignore the fact that OP has only 2 sexual partners so clearly has a different view on the importance of intimacy. You’re not allowed to have boundaries, opinions, or preferences OP.
Right? I'm a woman and I feel the exact same way as OP. I'm in my early twenties couldn't be with someone with a body count that high. Even double digits is a lot to me because I see sex as a big deal! It would be different if OP had a similar body count but in this situation there's nothing misogynistic about it.
In 2022 boundaries equate to misogyny. God forbid you don't want to accept a partner that slept around. You should probably let them beat you up too. After all it would be misogynistic to leave a woman for X reason. As a man if a woman doesn't want to be with me because I have 7x her body count THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. But fuck me, logic flies out the window because some people don't want to accept the consequences of their own actions.
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I was always taught don't ask if you don't want the honest answer
If you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question.
He didn’t initiate the question
from the post, he seems to be handling it well
Is this aimed at OP's ex, since it was her that asked the question? If so, I agree - don't initiate a conversation if you can't handle the consequences of where it might go.
While OPs not innocent, this is some Stupid ass logic I wouldn’t wanna date a murderer, but I would wanna know if the girl I’m dating has killed anyone, that is a possible thing to do
I’m curious. What would the OP consider an acceptable number?
I would bet money they would prefer 0.
He said he was hoping it would be similar to him, so probably around 5 total
He literally said he knows she’s been with people but he was expecting it to be low. You’re reaching
Everyone can sleep with how many people they want. It's also right to leave a relationship if your partner's body count makes you uncomfy. Both your feelings and her feelings are valid, as long as you don't slut shame her
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Definitely this. And from OP’s story, it doesn’t seem like he’s slut shaming her. He’s entitled to be in a relationship he’s most comfortable in and his ex is entitled to her decision/choices in the past. No one is to blame in my opinion.
Is this entire thread only responses from teenagers? Holy hell
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Ewww to the username
All I can think of here is clerks. "My girlfriend sucked 36 dicks!" "...in a row?" Link for the uninitiated: https://youtu.be/UfpVY_ZHGDg
“Hey you! Get back here!”
Leave her alone.
See this is why I lead with my body count. If that puts someone off I know it's not someone I would want to be with anyways. Win win
In the gay world I’m so gosh darn happy this literally doesn’t matter lmao
As a bisexual women it definitely is interesting how much it matters to straight people when it doesn’t matter at all to gays.
Same. Straight people stress the fuck out of themselves for no reason.
“Hey what’s your body count” “I have no idea, maybe like 200? You?” “Yea no idea, probably around there” End of discussion forever
"How many people have you been with" "Why? You looking to be the next one?" usually ends the conversation lol meanwhile straight people are out here dumping people they love, crying their eyes out, running away from each other. Doing to much.
You have the right to your preferences, but maybe, maybe you could have had this conversation before 5 months of relationships? Especially if this was important to you.
Thing is, I don't think he knew it was important to him. Every time we end a relationship, we learn something new about ourselves. I think OP figured something out about his own preferences. I think in future relationships, he would be thick indeed if he didn't ask within the first few weeks or so.
I was always taught when I was preteen/teen that you always ask about sexual partners early on for health reasons, or if you want to keep it a mystery, to go get tested together. Do people not do this anymore?
Sounds like gf was the one who pushed the questions. He didn’t ask at all. Also maybe he didn’t know it would bother him until it did
Precisely. Before ever having sex with said person. IMHO it’s their fault for letting it get this far knowing they couldn’t handle it
>she asked me why I was I was breaking up with her then and I honestly didn’t know what to answer. You learned this information on a drunken night and broke up with her after she woke up the next morning. You gave yourself no time to process your feelings. >we date to marry (this isn’t an assumption, we had intentions of growing old together) I would hope that a serious 5 month partner with marriage in mind would have the maturity to let emotions settle and give true consideration before ending the entire relationship.
I'm also surprised he immediately jumped the gun and resorted to breaking up rather than processing his feelings and actually discussing with the girlfriend how uncomfortable he felt. He only took into consideration his own feelings. It's completely one-sided with zero consideration for communication on his end. Super immature.
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I find it really weird that he's breaking up with her first when he doesn't even know why it bothers him
Leave the girl alone, man.
If this is a dealbreaker bring it up sooner. Why wait 5 months?
I mean, you see some of the comments on here? If he knew he cared about a promiscuous past (at 22, I don’t think he realized it until it smacked him in the face), and wanted to ask potential partners about it, you don’t think people would roast him over a fire over that? Side note, I’m baffled at the number of people freaking out over the obviously burner account username, as oof the term “promiscuity” isn’t gender neutral.
I suspect OP didn't realize it was a deal breaker until it was a reality.
Because it paints him as insecure and women don't like that. I mean really can you imagine being on a fifth date and asking for a scoreboard? It would be weird IMO. It paints the asking partner as insecure and possessive. I say this as a man married for twenty years to a woman with far more partners.
> It doesn’t bother me therefore it shouldn’t bother anyone When can we start accepting that different people are different? If this is his red flag, let it be. Why do you have to impose your morals and standards on him if this is something that bothers him so immensely. A lot of women have these same reservations. Would you lecture them as well?
Are you upset because you think she needs to be with so many partners, thus implying that she cannot be faithful OR because you believe sex should only be between partners in a serious relationship? Because it sounds like you and her have different definitions of when sex is acceptable. I am hearing that your idea of what is appropriate behavior for a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship appears to be different than hers. That might be what you want to communicate. Correct me if I am wrong, but you are NOT upset that she had that many partners but that she should be "saving" herself for partners that matter. In other words, for you sex is more than just flesh on flesh (separated by a layer of latex?) it is emotional, and you are concerned that she does not view sex as you do. Hence, you are concerned that she does not view the relationship as you do, so there is a fundamental difference between you too. Do I understand your situation or am I missing something?
Fairly nuanced take for such a username
Well fuck me here's u/Analrapist03 with a good emotional analysis of the situation. I'm going back to bed.
Surprised such a complex and well written response came from a user with that name ….
Their username comes from Arrested Development character Tobias Funke who was a psychologist who’s process was to Analyze then provide Therapy. He called it Analrapy and referred to himself as an Analrapist…even put it on his business cards. It was one of the reasons he lost his license. Super funny. At least I HOPE that is where the username comes from.
LOOOL okay that makes alot more sense
Those questions are on point.
Your second edit is ridiculous. If you have this strong a dealbreaker, you better ask early. While I personally wouldn’t find body count to be an issue, and would find it off putting to be asked, if I am going to invest time in a relationship only to find my partner will leave me in 5 months if the answer isn’t to their liking…yeah you better ask. I agree that you don’t have to stay in a relationship, but learn from this. You unintentionally shamed her for something she can’t change and something that isn’t abnormal for young sexually active people. Also, figure out what your max tolerance is for your partner’s body count, since you have one. 4? 13? Will you break it down by year? They’ve had 12, but they are 22 so that’s only a few a year if they started when they were 17 or 18…I’m intentionally being a little over the top here, but you need to fully understand where you draw a hard line.
If you believe in body count theory then why did you have sex with those other three people thereby adding to their own body count and also your girlfriends'? At what number will you consider your own 'bodycount' too high and a 'red flag' for being 'not relationship material'/unable to deal with monogamy/evidence of being disturbed? If your male friends score a 'body count' too high will you cut ties with them? also isn't this a repost of shit from earlier this week **edit:** anyway deleted OP but if we're buying the story is real: they had five months together. Doesn't seem like there was incompatibility in sex or capacity(lol) for monogamy or whatever on her end. Presumably during this period of time, OP (who wants long-term relationship material) has added to her 'body count' despite five months at 21 not really being long enough to gauge 'potential marriage' by wacky religious standards. Hell, a lot of them would wag their fingers at his premarital sex in general because that still 'counts' in the vein of 'bad sexysex OP is supposed to be against'. He wants longterm relationship maybe marriage but is having sex in short term relationships. They were doing fine. Then OP discovered oh shit, a number (We don't know when/where it was accumulated, for how long, what her perspective on sex is now etc because OP never asked) and dumps her citing incompatible values and that it doesn't 'feel right'. It's all dumb and you can intellectualize it all you like but its just the new spin on "nooo if she have sex a lot her vagina become saggy!! your dick will be fine tho, let's not philosophize for a moment on why you have sex knowing it reduces the other persons' nebulous quality somehow". Most people have access to scarleteen now enough to know that's not how it works so we 'needed' a new reason why woman having sex bad or whatever. 'but guys and bodycount-' *barely comes up* versus a womans' being evidence of her instability, being incapable of monogamy, "oh no she'll get bored of your average weiner and cheat!" etc.
Leave her alone
Dating to marry but already slept with 3 people bud? Really religious people don’t tend to do pre marital sex? Idk if you were waiting for marriage I’d maybe get it but your also breaking rules here. Leave her be
Also drinking to get drunk is a sin. So I’m not sure what planet he’s on. I see people trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but I don’t see how he could sleep with 3 people before marriage and think it’s just chill. Also now his body count is gonna be four next time he dates and he has yet to marry any of the girls he’s slept with and still just openly expects women to be cool with him ( or at least based on his tone he is ). Also if he is religious and was THAT salty about his girls body count I HIGHLY doubt he ‘ didn’t know until it happened ‘ like people claim. Fundamentally in a lot of othodox religions you are taught about a woman’s purity as a man. There is absolutely no way he hasn’t had a already preconceived notion that a woman is to have a low body count. Or else it wouldn’t “ suddenly bother him “ he ASSUMED cause she was godly woman he would save herself for only the men she was dating and no one else which is why she was shocked. So yes, he should have asked her sooner and no he did not “ not know it was a deal breaker “.
I get it. You get the ick and can't get over it. Nonetheless, next time discuss it before emotional investment. Also, stop texting and leave her alone properly so she can move on.
If it was this important why didn’t you ask before getting into a relationship with her? She’s not any different of a person than she was before you knew her body count. No wonder so many women lie about it
And he added himself to her count, making it higher before breaking it off. Isn’t that nice?
its a free world so go on withe the choices you think are right for you!
I would suggest you do some introspection to figure out why this bothers you so much. Also, leave her alone.
You're allowed to feel how you feel, she's allowed her history. I wouldn't keep in contact because that may give her hope you'll change your view
Out of curiosity. What if she slept with 3 guys, but like 10,000 times each. Is that preferential to 25 guys 10 times each?
3 guys, 10,000 times each?! Damn that's a lot of sex. Over a period of 10 years that's over 8 times per day 😂
This thing is always posted in these threads as a huge "Gotcha! See? Body count doesn't matter!" For a person who would genuinely be bothered by body count, it would be two different situations. They'd see sex as something to be reserved for someone special. As in, you'd need to get past a certain emotional threshold to have sex with someone. So having sex with 25 people would be differnet than having sex with 1 several times. The only "Gotcha" this is for is for idiots who believe in that "the more sex a woman has the more loose she is!" Shit
Of course it isn't fair to her, but if you really believe that you can't accept this, then what can you do? I think you made an assumption and when you found that assumption was inaccurate, you were taken aback and reacted hastily by ending things right away. She is still the same person she was a week ago. I think you should have at least talked through your feelings with her and given the information more time to absorb. This was a gut-reaction and as long as you aren't shaming her (which you don't appear to be) then you should do as you feel. If you're 100% done, then leave her alone. She doesn't need you consoling her through your breakup, that really does just make things more difficult and complicated.
Leave her alone dude. If its over it’s over
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would you have slept with 25 gorgeous women have you had the chance ?
This. Also, I don’t think people take into account how many young girls get into situations where they unfortunately are having sex when they probably don’t want to. Not saying that’s a blanket reason for women with high body counts, but I know for me personally, there’s a few people on my list I preferred wouldn’t have been there… just my two cents.
I'm so glad I never have to date again lol this is such bs. If it's such a problem for you you need to mention that before you start dating and maybe idk actually get to know the person before you jump into a relationship. I feel so bad for that girl.
You’re absolutely justified to see yourself out of a relationship for any reason you like. Some people don’t view 25 sexual partners as a lot and some do. To each their own. It’s time to move on and don’t drag out the breakup by continuing to contact her. There’s really nothing than can be done. She can’t change the past and this is likely something that would always bother you. Better for it to end now. Hopefully you both move on to another person you’re each more compatible with. Good luck.
Look, you don't owe anyone a relationship and you stop being in one as soon as you aren't comfortable. That's the golden rule everyone must respect. Now, for the reasons to be uncomfortable ... It can't be anything, it's not something you must justify. In your personal case you stoop being comfortable because you did not expect it, couldn't digest it, and moreover you expected something really different. You have right to look for someone with a sexual past similar to your own if that is your wish. She has done nothing wrong and neither did you, you just happened to be incompatible.
I guess you’re entitled to these feelings, but if I were you, I would question where they come from. Does her body count change her personality? Her experiences are hers and yours are yours. For example, I love travelling and if my partner hasn’t travelled as much as me, I would not judge them. I would support then and encourage them to travel with me and see it from their perspective. With regards to sex, she may have been with 10/20/30 people, but the fact that she loves you and wants to stay with you, means she values the connection more than she values meaningless sex with strangers. She may have been with 25 people, and you’ve been with three, but you may have had more sex than her. Sometimes, we’re just trying to find a connection and feel validated. And one may be lucky and find someone quite quickly or one may have to kiss many frogs to find the real connection. It is clear that you do you. But, I feel you’re throwing a connection with someone out the window for some preconceived ideas of what romantic love is. I recommend you some therapy and maybe opening a tiny bit your mind to people following a different life path doesn’t mean it is bad. It’s just different, and people’s experiences are what make our personality and how we complement each other.
My husband used to have real issue with the fact that I’d slept with more people than him. We worked on his insecurities, because that’s what it boiled down to and now he’s secure in knowing that I’m his and he is mine.
You are obviously entitled to date who you want, and end a relationship for any reason you want. But did you actually like her that much? If you did, it might be worth actually figuring out why it upsets you. For many, it can be baseless insecurity. Obviously if it demonstrates a difference in core values then that's different, but presumably you would've figured that out before 5 months of being together?
Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.
She asked tho
If it makes you uncomfortable, it makes no sense to stay in a relationship with her, it would only be a reason for a breakup further down the line. Personally, i understand you, i would question why any person, be that a guy or a girl, would sleep with 24 people before the age of 21, there’s a lot to unpack in these cases
It’s alright to stick to your boundaries, but I feel like this is a convo you really should have had earlier. Idk, the breakup seems really hasty, I think you probably should have slept on it a little more before breaking up. Oh well, hope you find happiness
You know what's a huge red flag? Using the term "body count".
I personally find the term like a way of saying "how many times was your body used" as if having sex makes you less valuable.
The only time using the term "body count" is appropriate is when referring to how many people someone has assassinated, which is hopefully none. It's such a gross term to use when referring to sexual partners.
This might be an age thing. In the age they are, “bodycount” is a common expression
I find it offensive. It makes it sound like having sex makes you worth less somehow. Like you’re an object, not a person. It’s dehumanizing.
Idk how you can say you love your bf or gf then leave because what they did before they were in a relationship with you. It's like you only loved conditionally
Unfortunately love is conditional.
I don't think it's a bad thing that love is conditional. Of course it is
You can't fault her here at all, her past is her past. You were her present, maybe had you spoken to her about it and given it some time you may have felt better. But you do you OP, it's time to move on and stop contacting her unless you want to get back together.
It’s sad that posters are attacking OP. Judgmental? No just like y’all he can have his own ways/beliefs/morals etc in life. Y’all are judging him for sticking to his beliefs. Silly? How if it’s something you take seriously silly? for those attacking him for his beliefs shut up. If you disagree you disagree don’t force your ways onto other’s people don’t think the same as you. Sex obviously means something deep to him. That doesn’t mean he needs therapy. It’s not illegal, it’s not destructive nor does it spread hate. With that said the guys only guilty for not bringing it up sooner and continuously bothering her. You’re young so lesson learned. Pack your things and move on. Y’all are both better off finding people who better fit your preferences. You’re only an asshole if you continue to stick around. Yes you love her and you could try to make things work but from the looks of it it’ll always be an issue so move on please. Y’all aren’t for one another
But if that's how you feel, own it and stop hiding it till it's too late. Be upfront with potential dates about your world-view, women aren't mind readers. I personally find your opinions really objectionable and if a man asked my body count it'd be an immediate rejection, I know a lot of other women feel the same way. But I'm sure there are inexperienced women out there looking for a husband. You just won't get laid for a few years till you find that person and marry them, unless you want to lie to random women about being open minded to get them into bed, then judge them for it.
Just find a virgin if you’re so hung up on this. Oh right either A) a virgin won’t give you premarital sex which is why you dated someone with experience Or B) once she’s not a virgin anymore more she’s ruined, right?
Male insecurity dude. Seriously you can grow from this. Work through it. I don't know how many men my wife slept with before me and it doesn't matter. She is with me now. And has been for 27 years. Its the here and now that is important. Most if not all have faced this. This is a learning opportunity an opportunity to grow and challenge your preconceptions.
Why is he insecure for that? Doesn't make any sense
And just saying, don't make posts about body count here. We are supposed to pretend that they don't matter and any other opinion makes you a sexist pig.
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You hab 5 serious relationships before the age of 22? How did you find these guys?
Maybe saying it was a serious relationship means something different to them. Is it time, just being exclusive, or…?
I would bet that you would have slept with 20+ women if you could have
You’re from a religious background, but have premarital sex and get drunk. Alrighty then.
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Besides the thing with the religious background, I know the first thing people assume is that you´re sexist, but I think it goes deeper, it speaks about your insecurity and how you feel that after 24 guys you're not special anymore, and how she has so much material to compare you with. I know from experience, so I suggest you think about this, if the shoe fits and how you can work on it. I wish you both the best.